Who Would You Be If You Stopped Asking for Permission?

Have you been shrinking yourself to make others comfortable? Dimming your light to fit in? Saying yes when every part of your being screams no? You're not alone.

Welcome to the very first video episode of my podcast journey, where I'm pulling back the curtain on transformation and authenticity. For years, I served as a redesign coach, helping others navigate their journeys while silently struggling with my own. My turning point? Cutting off my locks after ten years—a physical manifestation of shedding the trauma, stress, and expectations I'd been carrying.

Your hair holds your story. Mine held marriages, career transitions, childbirth, and hardships. When I finally cut it all off, I didn't recognize myself—because I was meeting the person I was always meant to be. This journey taught me that authenticity isn't about never changing; it's about stopping the performance and embracing who you already are.

We've all been taught to perform rather than just be. Remember being called to sing or dance at family gatherings? Those moments trained us to seek validation through performance rather than presence. Over time, we edit ourselves until our truth feels like a threat. But what if being full of yourself isn't selfish, but sacred?

Today, I challenge you with homework: What parts of yourself have you been apologizing for? What would it feel like to stop? Who would you be if you stopped asking for permission? Take up space this week in one way that feels brave—speak up, launch the thing, wear the outfit. If your voice shakes, use it anyway. You are the permission you've been waiting for.

Subscribe and join me on this journey of showing up authentically, without editing, without perfect lighting or equipment—just real conversations about finding our way back to ourselves.

Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:03):
All right, youtube.
So we are going to try this outfor the first time.
You hear me.
I have been doing my podcastfor the last two years and it
has been audio only, and so youall are going to come along on
this journey with me as I figureout all of these things about

(00:25):
YouTube and the good thing aboutit is, as I figure things out,
I'm going to share it with you,because I feel like there are so
many of you all who havestories, have things that need
to be shared, have things thatneed to be shared, but you're

(00:49):
unsure how to start a podcast.
You're unsure about how even toput yourself out there enough
to start your own YouTubechannel, and when I say this is
indeed a stretch because, well,we'll get into that, all right.
So what I want to share with youall is just a little bit about

(01:12):
myself.
My name is Kiana Talena, andI'm here as a servant.
I'm here as your guide throughthis journey that we call life,
but I believe that we are all onthis journey together.
I believe that it is anadventure that we all are
traveling.

(01:33):
Some of us are further along,some of us have taken a break,
some of us don't feel liketraveling at all, and if any of
those are you, you're in theright place, because today I'm
going to talk about how we justhave to show up sometimes and be
the true and authentic versionof ourselves, regardless of who

(01:57):
may want to hear it.
Someone is waiting on yourtestimony, and so my story kind
of started with you know, Ithought it was my transition
from me going from a head fullof locks and at some point I
will share this picture with youall to cutting off my back and

(02:20):
sides, to completely justcutting it off and having my
natural hair.
Yes, I may have braids rightnow, but I cut my locks off
y'all.
And when I say that, my lockswere down my back for 10 plus
years.
But what I didn't realize isthat your hair holds a story.

(02:41):
Your hair has gone throughevery stress of life that you've
had, and so in that time spanI've had children, I had gone
through a transition at work, Iwas going through not the best
marriage, and so your hairbegins to tell that story.

(03:02):
And so your hair begins to tellthat story.
And a lot of people say that,oh, when a woman cuts her hair,
she's getting ready to shakesome things up.
And it was true, but I didn'trealize how true it was until I

(03:28):
actually sketched out mytimeline from when I cut my hair
to, or when I had my hair towhen I cut my back and sides, to
when I completely cut it off.
But what I also did not realizeis that in that process, before
I even cut my back and sides, itwas some years that I was
beginning to cry out and didn'teven realize it.
See, I wrote my first bookcalled 10 Steps to Breathe the
Life in your Redesign.
So as I was helping you allprocess and get through things

(03:52):
of life, there was a quietwhisper that was happening down
on the inside of me, a quietwhisper that was crying out for
help.
But I didn't know how to askfor help for myself.
I knew how to show up and bethe redesign coach at that time.
I knew how to get people fromwhere they were to where it was

(04:15):
that they were trying to go.
All the time I was the one thatneeded help.
Is there anyone else out there?
Who you are, regardless of whatyou may have been going through
in your life, you still found away to show up for everyone
else when you were the personthat needed the help.

(04:35):
You're in the right placebecause we're going to talk
about it.
We are going to talk about how,when there begins to be a
stirring down on the inside ofyou and know, that doesn't mean
for you to go even harder in whoyou are designed to help.
That means you're now theperson that needs to help or ask

(04:58):
for help, and you need to findthe language to know that it's
OK when you need help too.
So today, this is just theintroduction to me.
This is an introduction so thatyou realize that you are not

(05:19):
the only person who has gonethrough something.
Yes, I've gone throughbankruptcy.
Yes, I've gone throughrepossession.
Yes, I've gone through divorce.
Yes, I've gone through beinglaid off.
Yes, I've gone through mycredit being garbage.
Yes, I've gone through and hadthe opportunity to have my

(05:40):
credit score at 800.
I have gone through every stepof life and I sometimes question
God why did you have me to gothrough it?
And now I realized it's becauseI am brave enough to share
those moments that most of uswould hide from.

(06:01):
I'm brave enough to share that.
Guilt is not going to hold mytongue.
Shame is not going to hold mytongue, that it is my time and
your time too.
So, if any of this is beginningto resonate with you, I have a

(06:22):
question for you, and thatquestion is what does it mean to
be?
You See, let's start with thetruth.
Y'all See, most of us weretaught to perform, but we never
learned how to just be.

(06:43):
Remember when families wouldall get together and maybe come
on out here and sing that song,come on out here and do that
dance.
Those were beginning to be thetimes where we were learning to

(07:04):
perform through life and notjust be who we were called to be
and not just be who we werecalled to be.
And so we learned how to shrink, we learned how to code switch,
we learned how to silence ourideas.
We were told that we were tooloud, too emotional, too much or
not enough.
Am I the only person that would?

(07:26):
In class, they would say, oh,kiana's a great student, she
does talk too much.
And so that was considered tobe a bad thing.
And now here I am, using myvoice as a weapon, using my

(07:46):
voice to help transform lives,using my voice to go to places
that I have never been before.
Because some of you all aregoing to hear me, and I'm in the
United States and you're goingto be in countries and
continents that I have neverstepped foot on yet, but that is

(08:08):
also a sign for you thatsomeone is needing your
testimony.
So, over time, we begin to editourselves until the truth felt
like a threat.
But what if I told you, beingfull of yourself isn't selfish,

(08:33):
it's sacred, it's your offeringto a world, it's your birthright
.
Will you make the decision thatyou will begin to show up as
who you were called to be, thatyou will begin to show up as who

(08:55):
you were called to be?
Like I said, for me it didn'tresonate until a couple of weeks
ago, if I'm being completelyhonest, what that transformation
process was of me cutting myhair.
It was shedding all of thosethings that I thought I needed
to be, how I needed to show up,all of the trauma that took
place in my life, that was nowliving in my locks.

(09:17):
And so, yes, it took some timefor me to even recognize my own
self when I cut my hair, becausewhen you've had something for
so long, you begin to live withthat.
That becomes your identity, andso being able to cut it all off

(09:41):
and for a while it was justblack, and then I went to some
color and then at some point Iended up getting my hair blown
out.
But it was through theseprocesses that I was realizing
that I was trying to come backhome to the person that I was
called to be.
And so when you hear me sayKiana, talena, kiana is my first

(10:03):
name, talena is my middle name,kiana meaning God's gracious
gift, and Talena meaning a placewhere treasure is kept.
So I'm realizing that I amuniquely made.
I'm realizing that all of theseyears, when I was trying to fit
into a box of what people wantedme to be, there was this cry

(10:27):
for help that I didn't realizethat I needed to say that I
needed help too, just as I wastrying to help everyone else.
Is this just for me, or is thisresonating with you as well?
So the beginning of that crywas me writing that book.

(10:50):
Yes, it helped so many otherpeople, but I needed to hear
that for myself.
So I wrote the first book 10Steps to Breathe Life into your
Redesign.
I wrote the second book, whichwas Nightly Reminders, and then
my third book I just recentlyreleased, which is a children's

(11:12):
book, which is called Dear God,will you Be my Friend?
And I'll get into that as Ibegin to peel back some of these
layers to you all so that youunderstand how I've gotten to
this place and how your healingprocess is going to look

(11:34):
different.
Each version of you is going tohave a different healing that
is going to take place for youto get to the next level.
So your healing never stops,because your journey never stops
as long as you have breath inyour body.
You are going through a healingprocess.

(11:54):
So you being authentic doesn'tmean you never grow.
It means you stop hiding whoyou already are, who you already

(12:15):
are.
And so sometimes you will hearpeople say you know, write your
letter of who you need toapologize to.
Can I share with you that thevery first person you need to
write the letter to is toyourself, because you have to
apologize for you not showing upfor you.
I still have to talk to thelittle Kiana on the inside of me

(12:37):
when I can feel her beginningto rev up.
So you have to recognize in youthat you have to apologize to
you for not knowing there weresome things that we just did out
of habit.
There were some patterns thatwe were just going through life.

(12:59):
But when you know better, youdo better.
So, as we're going on thisjourney together, I need you to
get real with you.
And so, apologizing for who youare, it doesn't always sound

(13:21):
like I'm sorry.
It sounds like shrinking inrooms where you should have
stood tall.
Shrinking in rooms where youshould have stood tall.
It looks like you dimming yourown joy so that others feel, so

(13:41):
that others don't feeluncomfortable.
It could be you not postingthat idea or that video because
you were afraid of being judged,laughing at jokes that you
didn't find fun, or saying yeswhen every part of your body was
screaming no See, we do thisbecause we've internalized the

(14:01):
idea that our truth isinconvenient, that we're the
only one who doesn't get achance to say no.
Because if we say no, then whatis?
What are they going to thinkabout me?
Then maybe they won't want tohang around me anymore, maybe
they won't want me to come, andbut if I show up and do more and

(14:24):
give more and be more, thenthen I'm going to fit in, and
then, when you realize that yousit down, you are completely
exhausted and burnt out.
So I want to speak this overyou today, that your voice

(14:46):
doesn't need permission, yourtruth isn't too much and your
presence is not up fornegotiation.
Y'all we are here, and when Isay y'all because we are all
going through this processtogether.
None of us have arrived, and ifanyone tells you anything
different, they're lying tothemselves.

(15:07):
Just the note that you have tolie to yourself first before you
can even lie to anyone else.
So just think about that.
Even when you are beginning topart your lips to say a lot, you
got a lot of you first.

(15:32):
So I need you to choose yourauthenticity.
I need you to figure out whatit looks like to live
unapologetically, out what itlooks like to live
unapologetically.
And here are going to be yoursteps to kind of help you.
The very first thing is you'regoing to have to know your

(15:54):
values, and when you're clear onwhat matters to you, it's
easier to say no without guiltand yes without regret.
Number two practice yourself-validation.
Stop waiting for others to clapfor you and affirm you.
Affirm you first.
Stand in the mirror and say toyourself I am not here to shrink
to fit, I am not here toperform, I am here to be.

(16:21):
This is going to be a big one.
Take up space.
Take up space, as much space asyou need on purpose.
You don't have to walk in theroom to be anyone else except
for you, but you do have to takeup space.

(16:42):
So that idea that you've beensitting on, share it, that part
of yourself that you've beenhiding, reveal it, that opinion
you're scared to say speak it.
Number four let go of theoutcome.
You're not going to know howthe story ends.

(17:04):
Let it go.
Just be in your moments.
I like to say, be where yourfeet are, enjoy every moment.
And not everyone willunderstand your becoming, and
that's okay.
Not everyone will understandwhen you say no, and that's okay

(17:25):
.
Not everyone will understandyour purpose, because they were
not there when God gave it toyou, and that's okay, because
authenticity isn't aboutpleasing the room, it's about
honoring your soul.
Yeah, I'm so excited that Ipressed play today.
I'm so excited that you getthis opportunity to see the real

(17:49):
, the raw version of how thischannel is going to become.
Yes, you have so many people whowill send this out to be edited
and, just like my podcast, I donot edit, and the same thing
will apply here.
So you will see me trying tofind the words.

(18:09):
You may hear me stumble everynow and then.
You may hear a um and a uhevery now and then, because in
real life, you do not have theopportunity to edit.
Yes, you can go forward and saywhat you may have wished, that
you said, but to go back and totake something out and to add

(18:36):
something in and to do no, we'renot doing that Because, see,
most of the time when you getinto all of the nuances of why
you're not telling your story,is because you feel like you
don't have the right camera, youdon't have the right audio, you
don't have the right lighting,you don't have all of these
grandiose things that so manyothers may have, and you can

(18:59):
work up to that point, but untilthen, press play.
Work up to that point, but untilthen, press play.
Just what I'm doing.
I sat down on my couch, I setup this tripod, I have my laptop
here with my notes and I'm heretalking to you.

(19:22):
So here's your homework, and Ineed you to get a journal
because we do homework here, wedon't just get and spend time
with each other, and you listento my voice and all of now,
we're going to do work Because,in order for the true and
authentic version of us to showup, there are going to be some

(19:44):
things that we have to unlearn,there are going to be some
mindset shifts that are going tohave to take place, and there's
going to have to be some workthat needs to be done when this
episode is finished.
So, the very first thing is Ineed you to, in your journal,
write what parts of yourselfhave you been apologizing for?

(20:08):
That's one.
Number two what would it feellike to stop?
Number three who would you beif you stopped asking for
permission?
We're no longer doing that.
We're not asking for permissionto show up to be who we were

(20:28):
already called to be, and thatperson is absolutely amazing.
Okay, got it.
So y'all, I'm excited.
I'm excited that you get achance to see this version of me
.
I'm excited that you get achance to come along on this

(20:49):
journey with me, and as episodesbegin to, more and more
episodes come out, you'll beginto see and hear how I got to
this place and why this is soimportant for me.
Yes, I'm beginning to tear up,because I decided to bet on me

(21:15):
today, I had to get out of myhead and say that enough is
enough, that, yes, I was stillhiding from me.
So, yeah, thank you for showingup for you.
Thank you for being the bestversion of you today.

(21:36):
Thank you for showing up evenwhen you felt heavy.
Thank you for showing up evenwhen the tears fell.
Thank you for showing up evenwhen the tears fail.
Thank you, and I need you toknow that you don't owe anyone
an explanation for being who youare.
You owe yourself the chance tofinally be so.

(22:02):
This week, I challenge you totake up space, and that's one
way, in one way that feels braveto you.
Speak up, say no, wear thething, launch the thing, share
the story, and if your voiceshakes, that's OK, use it anyway
, because you, my love, you arethe permission.
All right, until next time.

(22:24):
Bye.