April 7, 2024 • 52 mins
This week's episode of The Hidden Egg has us traversing through the emotions surrounding some specific relationship changes. Time affects all things, even our relationships with others. Come along as TAM and mortal talk about their thoughts.
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Episode Transcript
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(00:00):
Hi, I'm Tam.
(00:01):
And I'm Eternally Mortal.
And this is the Hidden Egg Podcast, where we talk about vulnerability.
And stuff and things.
And I have this new, well, it's not a new website, but I have revamped the MonsterAlley.com website.
I just wanted to put that early in so that people heard it before they clicked away.
(00:23):
That is all.
Yeah, check out the MonsterAlley.com.
It's been revamped a little bit, and it looks great.
Check it out.
It's awesome.
Okay, so first things first.
We're not able to do last week's episode for reasons.
(00:45):
But technically, if you're just following along on Spotify, you won't even notice, really,
I'm sure.
Yeah.
You know, if you come to it later.
If you're listening to us live, first of all, thanks, that's pretty awesome.
But yeah, we were off last week doing a little bit of self-care, taking care of ourselves
through a little bit of a downtime.
But we're back and gonna react to a couple of articles and showcase some vulnerability.
(01:10):
So are you ready for article number one?
Yeah.
Do you know which one that's gonna be?
Have you decided which one?
I have.
I have it.
Yeah.
I have an order for them.
Do you want me to surprise me or do you want me to guess?
I can just surprise you.
It's fine.
It's the I'm not attracted to my overweight wife anymore article.
(01:31):
Ah, yes.
Which is one of the few that don't have a picture that I am like, yeah, this is actually
pretty good.
I usually like a picture.
Everybody likes a good picture, you know?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
But this one didn't really need it in my opinion.
I don't know if we have up to this point, but do we want to just like shout out the name
(01:53):
of the writer?
Yeah.
This was written by Dr. Samantha Rodman-Whitin.
Or Whitten.
Is it Whitten?
It could be either one.
It could be Whitten.
AKA Dr. Psych Mom on medium.com.
Yeah.
And it seems like Dr. Psych Mom is kind of a social media presence for this person.
And so, you know, check them out.
(02:13):
This was a really interesting article that examined the vulnerability of someone else
actually.
Yeah.
So I already know how I feel about it.
And I've already talked with one of our mutual friends about how I feel about it.
I want to know what you think about it so that I don't taint your perspective.
Okay.
(02:35):
So I definitely had, I guess for context, in case you haven't read the article, of course,
there is a, it's an article.
It basically is a showcase of a, I don't know if it was a question letter or whatever, but
it was a man who is no longer attracted to his wife because she's gained weight.
(02:57):
And that's pretty clear from the title, I guess.
And I struggled with the idea of a person that you love, like losing that love, any
part of that love, any, like any little, like the lust part of that love, because of a change
in body structure.
But I know it certainly does happen.
(03:19):
It's a real thing that real people experience, certainly.
And this person, the writer, I can't remember her name anymore.
I just scrolled past it.
Dr. Psych Mom was really understanding in her response.
I thought it was amazing.
Truly.
In her response to it, should I just continue?
I feel like I should let you talk if I need to.
(03:40):
I was just going to say, Ben said something about that he's actually gone through that.
I assume you weren't the one that was overweight.
No offense.
You just don't look like a guy that's been overweight.
Maybe long, long ago, I guess that's always possible.
But yeah, I think there's been other people that have had similar experiences.
(04:07):
I'm not telling you my opinion on it just yet.
I want to get to the end of your thing.
But Ben's statement, basically, I wish beauty standards didn't get to me, but they do.
And I think that's pretty common.
It is.
If I'm being honest.
Like I fight myself to try and love everyone for who they are.
(04:29):
But I absolutely, like if I see a person that adheres to the beauty standards that just
live in my brain, then like I'm immediately attracted.
I immediately want to make them smile if I can't if I can have any chance of doing that.
So I think everybody to a certain extent does.
Just reading about it like through me for a little while.
(04:49):
But like I said, Dr. Psych Mom was really understanding.
And there's some I don't want to get too much in the weeds of like saying every aspect of
the article.
But like, you know, there's some trauma that led to that position for this gentleman.
And I got it.
And her response, I thought, was really well thought out and compassionate to both people.
(05:11):
I still feel like the the overweight wife might just feel attacked from some of this.
And so I worry about that sort of thing.
But it's not really like who gives a shit what I think, honestly.
That's why we're here is literally what we're listening to is what you think.
Yeah, I guess that's why we're here.
That's true.
(05:31):
Hey, how's it going?
But but yeah, I mean, I don't know that the overweight wife is going to read Dr. Psych
Mom's article to get any sort of reaction from it.
But like that's what I look at when I see it is is how it pertains to everybody.
You know what I mean?
(05:51):
And so yeah, we all had to pause.
So Ben said sometimes I feel like some people who say they're sapiosexual are lying to themselves
a little.
They're attracted to someone who's truly hideous from what I've seen.
And I would agree.
Are you finished with your opinion?
I don't want to like cut you off if you're still expressing.
(06:14):
I feel like I feel like I've expressed a good deal of the general feeling that I have for
the article.
Go ahead.
OK, because this is a good segue into mine.
And I think the doctor is 100 percent spot on.
And she's gotten a lot of flack for it.
Usually she was telling him that like he doesn't get to control what he's attracted to because
(06:34):
none of us control what we're attracted to.
It's it's one thing to say if he's like going out of his way to shame her, then yeah, that's
wrong.
But it's another thing entirely to suggest that if she gains weight, he has to somehow
change this fundamental part of who he is and what he's attracted to.
(06:56):
Regardless of the fact that she could just lose the weight.
And I'm not saying that she has to lose her the weight if she's happy with that, with
who she is in that body and that's what she wants to be more power to her.
But that does not give her the license to try to change him either.
Like, this might be a case where they now are no longer compatible.
(07:18):
Yeah.
And I think I read in there they're separated or whatever.
And maybe that is the right path.
Absolutely, because, you know, I do I would want people that are in a partnership of that
sort to be attracted to each other, you know, in multiple ways, including physically.
There's definitely like some people that I've seen that were over 80 and still loved holding
(07:40):
hands and cuddling with each other.
That's a physical intimacy that still exists, even though they're, you know, 80 and not
necessarily up to beauty standards of today.
Does that make sense?
Yeah.
I mean, I mean, I'm technically overweight.
Right.
So I don't I don't know if I'm obese.
I don't know that that's like if I am on like the very like percentage wise, I'm on the
(08:07):
very tip of it, maybe.
But I know I'm definitely overweight.
My doctors have been telling me I need to lose like 20 pounds or something.
So I it hits me in the same way that it would hit the wife.
I am terrified of somebody like my partner being like, yeah, I just don't find you attractive
(08:27):
anymore.
But I don't find that to be a him problem.
It's not like we we actually discussed this when we started dating where he had an obese
partner and she was abusive.
And even before her abuse, he had he like pushed himself to act like he was attracted
(08:48):
to her because he didn't want to feel like he was too superficial.
And like we talked in the beginning of our relationship, I'm like, if I ever get to that
point, we shouldn't be we shouldn't be having sex.
Like I should be working on whatever it is that's making me obese at that point.
(09:10):
It's not an us problem.
It's a me problem.
And that like that might if that breaks our relationship, then we'll try the best we can.
But like, never once did it occur to me to try to like, force him to just push through
it.
That doesn't that just doesn't make sense to me.
(09:31):
Right.
Right.
This guy did specifically mention that he was nice the first several times, but then
became not nice about it.
And so I wonder what that looks like.
That's fair.
That is a good point.
Like if he's gotten mean about it, then that might be that's definitely not OK.
But that might be because he had an obese mother that abused him.
(09:55):
And that could be him being triggered by her kind of kind of being in a body that reminds
him of his abusive mother, which isn't her fault.
Right.
And it's something that he would probably benefit from some therapy about.
But absolutely.
Assuming that he's not being like a complete dick about it.
(10:20):
I mean, he might just be upset because she's trying to push him to do something that it
says that they had talked about it before she gained the weight and that she used to
understand and then she gained the weight and now she's no longer understanding.
So like, I don't know what she's saying and doing either.
I'm not going to pick sides on who's being worse here.
(10:43):
But the issue about it, you know, the overweight sexuality attraction thing at its face value
for me might just be a deal breaker now.
Yeah, I agree.
It might be a deal breaker.
And you know, if it does break that deal, I do hope that they go and find other loves.
Excuse me a second.
(11:06):
Sure.
And in the letter, there was a lot of love expressed still for the person inside the
meat suit.
You know what I'm saying?
And so like, I'm glad to see that they seem to be like continuing the friendship.
I think that that's delightful.
But we actually don't hear a whole heck of a lot about her perspective for the majority
(11:30):
of that post or that letter that he wrote.
Because the beginning, it does indeed say that she knew that it was a trigger for him,
knew that he had been abused in this way and wanted to be conscientious of that and just
let me know, to quote unquote, just let me know.
And it didn't work out that way.
But we haven't heard what her responses to his pressure have been.
(11:55):
There's a lot of things we don't know in this.
And Dr. Psych Mom, I think, brings up a really good point in the article as well about how
you know, sometimes when someone feels pressured to do something from someone else, it completely
eradicates the ability and motivation to do that.
And when that pressure is alleviated, sometimes it can be a lot easier to work on it.
(12:18):
And she said that she's like, I don't know if this person, if your wife wants to work
on her weight or not.
But if she does, it might be a lot easier for her to do so if you were able to just
not pressure her about it, be as nice and comfortable and relaxed as you can be and
do the best you can to help her.
Can I share a weird perspective that I just thought of?
(12:40):
Sure.
Well, let's let's let's look at you goods thing.
Yeah, is he meeting her expectations?
I wish we could get her angle, too.
I just don't think we're gonna get more than what we get.
Yeah.
And I mean, I'm in the weeds.
Go ahead.
You just might.
I just thought of this weird perspective that I have.
So you know how like there's heartthrob celebrities, right?
(13:04):
There's people that that society generally says are more attractive.
They put them at the 10.
So I'm going to name a name and you're going to know exactly what I'm talking about.
George Clooney.
Right.
Yeah.
I find him to be hideous.
I am not sexually attracted to that man at all.
(13:25):
Does he care?
No, of course not.
But my point is, I if I were in a relationship with a man that looked like George Clooney,
there'd be no point.
There's nothing I could do to force myself to be sexually attracted to him.
It's just not something I'm capable of, because that's how how attraction works.
(13:48):
You you get a certain statistics of what you want that you kind of have to work within.
Right.
Right.
Absolutely.
And you saying that is a perfect example because it helps me, you know, see the differences
and just perception.
Because like for me, George Clooney, as a person for the last 25 years, since he was
(14:12):
on what was it?
E.R.
Yeah.
What's the E.R.?
I think I think you're right.
But whatever he was on for that entire time, he has looked like a caricature, like like
someone drew a face and it wanted to make it look a little exaggerated and funny.
So I get what you're saying.
However, George Clooney has certainly delivered lines in a smooth and confident way that I've
(14:34):
been like, oh, hmm, come over here, Mr. Caricature.
I like his personality, but there's something about him physically I am just not attracted
to.
Yeah.
And I don't know what I couldn't tell you.
But I have no idea.
But I do know that it is a pretty regular thing that traditionally attractive men are
(14:54):
unattractive to me.
I am more attracted to people that are are statistically from society's view, less attractive
people than I am to the ones that are conventional tens.
Right.
And that's just preference.
Yeah.
Preference exists.
(15:15):
I know there are people that don't like to agree about that.
But preference exists.
We're all attracted to kind of weird or specific or quirky things.
And that's kind of what you good was saying.
It's the Riz.
You know, they just have a certain like pizzazz about their personality.
But even if even if a traditionally attractive man had that, like George Clooney, he has
(15:40):
he has that kind of pizzazz going on about him.
I just it's not it just doesn't do it for me.
So I can understand how weight has that same effect for people.
And it does for me, too.
At a certain point, it is beyond what I'm attracted to.
(16:00):
I think we all have limitations like that.
And some of us like they're all different.
Some people don't like skinny people.
So like it's not something that you can say people need to change.
It's something that if you are in that group that your husband or your partner is no longer
attracted to, it's it's now a lack of compatibility.
(16:23):
You just aren't compatible anymore.
And I think it might be time to move on.
Right.
Yeah.
I think I think that's probably the case, because like everybody I mean, I'm I'm I'm
I'm Polly.
I am a big believer and attributer of polyamory.
(16:45):
And so like I the whole there's the whole idea that there's one perfect person out
there for somebody, you know, and like I've just never really under there's been like
two or three dozen people that I've fallen head over heels in love with in my life.
And so it's just difficult for me to understand this whole like one person.
And it's like people change.
There's always going to be an evolution to people, both physically and mentally and emotionally.
(17:08):
I mean, beyond that, even you have limitations to what you're physically attracted to.
And I'm not going to out the one big glaring thing that I know about that you probably
are aware of also.
But I know that you have had trouble with being attracted to some people in the past.
(17:28):
Absolutely.
In ways that they cannot control.
Mm hmm.
That is absolutely the case.
I think when we try to tell people that they deserve to be loved and that they do not deserve
to be shamed, that does not include forcing everybody to be attracted to them.
No, of course not.
(17:49):
You can't force anybody to be attracted to anybody.
You know what I mean?
Right.
Well, I know I know that you kind of you kind of have the stance of that they should still
love their partner even though they gain some weight.
Yeah, originally.
Yeah.
Originally, I was when we were talking when I started talking about it.
(18:10):
Yeah, I did struggle with that when I first started thinking about this article.
But I guess I haven't also I don't think I've had the experience of somebody really changing
during a relationship because that's really the thing because like, you know, some things
that we don't are attracted to, we're not going to get into a relationship with somebody
and then they're going to turn into that.
(18:30):
No one that you start dating is going to turn into George Clooney.
Does that make sense?
Well, I mean, you don't know.
Maybe.
Right.
We get that celebrity facial reconstructive surgery that just is free.
But you could you could perspective might be spot on to that maybe the wife hates him
and either doesn't want to tell him or doesn't want to admit it herself.
(18:54):
And that might be the reason why she gained weight to like push him away.
It's funny that the last thing you mentioned was, you know, she birthed his kids and now
as a muffin top because because Dr. Psych Mom, the writer of this article specifically
called out that, you know, she's known that dudes that are like, I'm not attracted to
my wife anymore because she had kids.
(19:15):
And she's like, that's some bullshit.
I don't know what she said, but you know, that it's not cool.
But like, this is a this was a different situation entirely because there was, you know, childhood
abuse that really spurred this whole feeling.
Right.
But and I'm not sure that like we can ask him to just change his trauma because she
(19:36):
gained weight.
Like it's not her fault, but at the same time, it's not his either.
Like it's a situation that needs to be worked through and finding the faults or finding
the blame is really just distracting.
You know, at this point, right, they both are things that they need to work on.
Clearly just needs to work on his trauma for himself.
I don't know if that's going to make it to where he becomes a, you know, person that's
(19:58):
into larger women.
I have no idea if that's what would change for him at all, but like at least address
the trauma, regardless of what the outcome is.
And if she's gaining weight for negative reasons, the depressions or anxieties or agoraphobia
or any anything else that is going on that might be causing this weight gain, then those
(20:18):
things need to be addressed and the weight gain will come with it.
If that's a thing.
She's just even if it doesn't, even if the weight loss, like even if she doesn't lose
the weight through like getting therapy for these other things, she'll still be better
off and if the relationship's over, she'll definitely be way better off because she will
be kind of more secure in her own body.
(20:41):
Right.
And that's the goal for her.
We don't even know if that's what she might love her body.
And if she does more power to her, a fantastic, that's amazing.
Go for it.
But like that's really the goal at the end of the day is that whatever she's doing with
her body, as long as she loves it, in my opinion.
And yeah, a beast is subjective.
(21:02):
So we should we should probably move on to the next one if that's OK.
I don't want to like abruptly change topics, but I don't know if there's much more we can
say about this one.
No, no, no.
And you know, it got us into thinking about how we perceive life and we shared that.
That's amazing.
Let's move on.
OK.
The next one is by our native writer, You Good.
(21:27):
Hello monster fellow P. You Good.
I can feel her her cheeks burning now.
It's fine.
You Good wrote an article called To Celebrate a Lifetime of Being Fine, which I was delighted
to read twice, actually.
And do you want to do you want to launch into the early soliloquy this time or shall I do
(21:49):
it again?
Oh, did you do it last time?
I don't know.
I feel like I always do the things.
So I've been trying to like step aside so that I'm not always talking.
Well, you asked me what I felt about the previous article.
Yeah, that's true.
Well, that's because I didn't want to like.
Form my opinion.
(22:10):
Yeah.
And I feel like I changed your mind there in the middle.
So I feel like it was the right call.
Maybe.
Yeah, I can I can kind of go go over a little bit.
Yeah.
So I'm not going to go through all the specifics, but You Good was talking about something I
find very relatable in that like you reach 40, which I did last year.
(22:36):
She's turning 40 this year.
And you look at your life and you're just like.
What what's going on here?
Now, now her thing like it started out with with the possibility of a party.
And she started thinking about like, who would she even want at her party?
All of her friends just felt superficial.
(22:58):
And I don't know, she worked through the the like idea that, you know, I don't need a lot
of people.
I just need people that love me.
I need, you know, quality over quantity.
Real people.
Not that everybody not that anyone's really fake.
It's just that whether or not you are in relation to the relationship, you know what I mean?
(23:23):
Yeah.
And it's I'm sure that it is something that affects a lot of people out there because
like I feel like a lot of people in America or in first world countries or the Western
nations, whatever you want to say through their 20s, it's just this in teens, it's just
this wild like gathering people fest.
(23:43):
And some some of them are people that are have real connection to you.
Some of them are just ancillary or incidental because of who you happen to run into in certain
places.
And like, you know, really looking at some of those relationships and seeing them for
what how shallow they probably are is very difficult for people to see, I think, because
(24:04):
there's a there's potentially either a shame or a blame that's going to come along with
it.
Like I'm going to do a good enough job to make this relationship deeper or I'm going
to blame the other person for not doing good enough job to make this relationship deeper.
You know, I think that when people look at it like that, that's what comes up.
But well, if you can do you want to respond to that before I before I bought it?
(24:26):
I mean, I don't you can go ahead.
I have other things to say, but I don't know that they have to do with what you're talking
about.
So continue.
OK, right on.
I think that there's a different way to look at the relationships that we go through, you
know, like that they are the experiences that they are.
And I'm only saying this because I don't I don't feel like we should regret the time
that has gone by.
(24:47):
But I think that it's valuable and important to be able to realize where that what the
state of our current relationships are.
And you goods article.
I'm sorry, this would be a change in topics.
If you want to go next, you can.
But I was just going to say that you goods article was so much about about giving about
(25:07):
giving to people and not receiving in return.
Yeah.
About constantly just justifying anything that happened to her as being, you know, normal
or it's fine or it's whatever or it's something I can get through.
Yeah.
And man, was that real?
(25:29):
My goodness.
I feel a lot of the underlying like I don't know that maybe she did spell it out and I
just forgot, but I don't know if she did or not.
But it feels like this sort of Keeping Up with the Joneses sort of thing, where all
of the friend groups around, you know, middle age, everybody's still so busy trying to make
(25:54):
sure that they have or appear like they have the things you're supposed to have and that
you're doing the things you're supposed to be doing.
And so the the friendships end up somewhat transactional.
You could like 100 percent.
And so instead of being real, instead of having meaning to the friendships, it's sort of like
(26:15):
checking off the box of, you know, I went to this person's birthday party.
I went I saw these people at the holiday mixer or, you know, you know what I mean?
And it was kind of in the background that was that she was like really trying to connect
with these people.
It wasn't about the status or making sure to check the box to her.
(26:36):
It was more about are we friends?
Like this is a time like this is what friends are supposed to do and we're supposed to build
more.
But they weren't interested in connecting.
And her way of kind of getting through that was like it's it's fine until it wasn't fine.
Yeah.
And that's a it's a big moment.
(26:57):
And it's a it's a growing moment.
It's a it's a moment that you you evolve a little bit as a person into something that
knows a little bit more.
But it's painful, certainly.
I I remember fondly all of my friends from high school because when I moved at the very
(27:22):
end of middle school, I chose to reinvent myself and I made what I felt were very close
friends in high school.
And like, you know, we like pledged loyalty to each other in certain regards, me and several
of them in various ways.
One of them I was supposed to get married to if we both turned 30 and neither one of
(27:43):
us were married.
Like I cared deeply about those relationships.
And when I look back, I still very much care about all of those people.
But I certainly didn't put in myself.
I didn't put in enough effort to maintain those communications.
And I can certainly look back and be like, I maintained a lot of those communications
(28:05):
for as long as they did last.
And it was there was no effort put in from the other people, too.
And it's it's sad.
It's really reading you reading you goods article.
Like I kind of felt a little seen and I appreciate that greatly.
You remember my my like late 20s, early 30s like that.
(28:25):
That was like my whole life.
All of the friends that I had that I thought that they were the true ones because they
had lasted through so much already.
They just fell away.
And I was just like constantly just like I need some frickin friends.
I'm going insane here.
And I had to learn to live without having friends.
(28:45):
Like I just didn't have them anymore.
It was it was really painful.
We appreciate the hugs you good.
Yep.
Yep.
I don't know whether it's a natural part of growing up to leave groups of people behind
(29:06):
and that learning how to deal with that grief is some, you know, natural human evolution.
I certainly know people that have been friends with their best friends since freaking kindergarten.
My dad's best friend was somebody he went to high school with.
I do have a friend that I've had since I was 10.
(29:26):
Yeah, that's right.
Yeah, that's a good.
That's a good friend.
My god, amazing.
But they're few and far between.
Those are like some super gems.
And we fell out like not not that we had a like falling out necessarily, but we didn't
talk for like a decade.
Yeah.
(29:47):
And I thought I had lost her forever.
So you know, sometimes sometimes you lose the friends and then you find them again.
Yeah.
And you could says think of how many just stay in superficial relationships their whole
lives, though.
So many of them just accept it and don't care maybe.
And maybe we care more than most.
(30:09):
So my family seems to be like that.
And from what I've gathered from my family, not my chosen family, I mean, the ones that
I came from in childhood, roughly, they they seem to not believe that what friendships
I have are even real.
They don't believe them.
(30:30):
It's like I'm telling them about unicorns, literal unicorns.
I me talking about my my friendships, they sound like they listen to it with the same
kind of belief as you would listen to a five year old talking about playing with dragons
(30:51):
in the backyard.
They literally do not believe that it is possible.
They think I'm delusional and a little bit insane, but that that makes me happy.
And so they're fine with it.
Cute.
And it's really just that people don't understand different experiences.
There's a lot of people.
(31:12):
Maybe it's just people around this area.
Maybe the Midwest is rife with this.
But there's a lot of people that are just like, I can't trust others.
I'm not there's no there's no chance I'm going to share who I really am with other
people because then they'll have power over me.
And it's like that's that's the good stuff.
Yeah, I think that the the missing link there is that the right people don't abuse that
(31:36):
power over you.
No, they nurture it.
They give you more power by knowing that shit.
Right.
If you give people the right people power over you, you will know they're the right
people because they don't hurt you with it.
At least not intentionally.
They may accidentally get everybody hurts everybody into accidentally, but they don't
(31:59):
purposefully go out of their way to undermine you to to hurt you to abuse you to take the
things that you have.
You don't have to worry about being vulnerable with them because that's the point of finding
the right ones.
Right.
And when they do hurt you, they care that they hurt you.
(32:20):
Right.
But it takes a lot of courage for people that have been hurt so many times in the past to
put themselves out there enough to allow another person to hurt them.
And I guess I get that.
I mean, I guess I understand it in a certain regard, but it's just it's it's so worth
the risk to me.
And I don't.
(32:40):
Of course, I'm not really like reaching out in my local community to make new friends
or whatever.
I feel so socially overwhelmed that maybe I shouldn't be talking about this.
Well, actually, that's a good place to segue because I don't want to like ruin the end
of the article.
I want people to go to You Goods article and read it, but it actually does have a really
uplifting solution to me.
(33:01):
The place where she goes with this this realization of kind of digging into all of this history
of like, are these people really friends and like understanding her own experience of the
loss of those friendships at the very end of this tunnel is a bright silver lining and
a rainbow that's I just I think it's wonderful.
(33:24):
And I think that anybody that reads it, if you're dealing with something like this right
now, go go and read it and see where she went and see if that resonates with you, because
I think it might it might be really helpful.
Of course.
Thank you.
Thank you.
I loved this article.
It was wonderful.
(33:45):
It was delightful.
I enjoyed it a lot.
So usually the third article is the uplifting one.
And the second article ended up being kind of both a little bit of the abused stuff and
hopeful.
So for this particular episode, I am I'm using this slot for the third article to be about
(34:09):
my new submission guidelines for Abuse Road.
Because I want people to write for that particular publication and it I don't I don't know.
I don't know what to say about it.
I just want to talk about it and see if maybe people are interested in writing for Abuse
Road.
(34:30):
Right.
And so you've posted your submission guidelines somewhere.
Is that correct?
Yes.
Yes.
They're on Medium in Abuse Road.
Did you want me to send you the link?
Did you need to find it?
No, no, no, I can find it.
I mean, I'm currently on You Good's article, so I can just click on the pub there.
(34:52):
But but yeah, so when I feel a little bit bad about that, sorry, before you start up,
I feel a little bit bad about it because I published this after I published You Good's
story and You Good used a portrait picture instead of a landscape orientation picture.
I'm going to be a little stickler from here out, but I wasn't for that particular one.
(35:18):
No, it's fine.
You didn't do anything wrong.
You good.
I didn't think about it when I published it.
So that was completely on me.
But then I put it in the submission guidelines so that from here on, please make it the landscape
because it looks better on the actual publication.
No, you don't have to edit it.
(35:38):
It's fine.
No, unless you want to only do it if you want to.
The picture you put on there, You Good is just fantastic.
It's perfect for that.
Perfect for that.
Yeah, you're a lot of elements that article that I really like, but I don't want to call
out every single one of them because everyone should check out the article.
Yeah.
(35:59):
And you can check out through abuse road.
So yeah, so what I want what I want abuse road to be is hard for me to really put into
words, which is ironic.
But basically, we're kind of going to kind of going to feel this out together.
I want it to be about abuse, but I don't want it to get traumatic.
(36:23):
Right.
I want I want people to be able to go here, whether they have been abused or have abused
others and they're looking for change.
They're looking to understand.
I want both people to have a place to meet here in the middle as a sort of truce area,
(36:48):
you know, on the edge of abusers and the abused to to meet and talk about why these things
are happening and what we want things how we want things to be different, because I
believe more people that are abusive can be rehabilitated to no longer be abusive than
(37:10):
we are really giving credit to.
And I think doing that would help people that are being abused be less abused in the long
run.
Absolutely.
Not in the past, obviously.
Sorry.
Right.
Because and I think that the difficulty is going to be about, you know, dealing with
(37:31):
abuse deals with the abuse of the past.
And so those emotions are going to be coming up at the same time.
But but I love your intention to, you know, bring all of these people together and to
communicate, to try and really openly communicate about what happened to be able to move forward
with that.
There's so many there's so many like mythologies and philosophies out there that talk about
(37:57):
how harming someone harms the self.
You know, like and the it's really talking about abuse.
It's really easy to see that that is definitely the case in abuse.
And you can see it very easily in the fact that the abused oftentimes become abusers.
They call that abusive self-defense.
(38:17):
If you want if anybody listening wants to know more about abuse from a reputable source,
the hotline.org is where I get everything.
I double check if I'm calling something an abuse, I will double check it through that
website because they have all these different ways of saying, you know, this is this is
what abuse looks like.
(38:38):
This is how you can tell that it is abuse.
It all it all basically comes down to control.
But people who have been abused were put in that power struggle and they might very often
actually end up feeling very insecure about what they are allowed to control, what they
have control over.
(39:00):
And sometimes they overcorrect when they get out of the situation where they're being abused.
And then they become abusive because they've overcorrected and taken more control than
they should because they are still unhealed.
And so they tip the scales from being abused into being an abuser.
And I don't want to demonize people that are going through that struggle as if that's all
(39:24):
they can ever be.
Right.
Because change and growth is so important to realize.
And there's no reason to continue.
I'm sorry, there's no way to just give people the reason to dehumanize people and saying
this is an abuser so we don't have to care about them.
Right.
And it's like, that's not going to help anything.
Because there's so many abusers out there that when they were abused was when they were
(39:49):
kids.
And so it wasn't just that they were being abused, they were also learning how to treat
other people.
And learning how to live.
Yeah.
Like they were learning from their parents how you're supposed to treat other people
to live a life.
So they were learning how to protect themselves and abuse others.
That's what they learned because that's the example that they were given.
(40:11):
And then they turn into abusers.
But that doesn't mean that that's who they have to be their whole life.
A lot of them, a lot of people that have been abusing people for decades are not going to
believe it.
But like you can get to a point where you no longer just feel angry at everybody for
ruining your life all the time.
I am a count, I can say that is 100% true.
(40:32):
Not everybody will get to that point.
But I was like that.
That was me.
I was abusive.
I was angry at everything and everyone for making me and my life the way it was.
And one day I woke up and I wasn't angry anymore.
It didn't happen like that.
There was a lot of work put into it.
But I'm just saying that time can come.
(40:53):
Yeah.
It's a gradual change and an evolution of spirit.
And anyone that thinks that our spirit doesn't evolve over time is incorrect.
I apologize.
I read somewhere and I don't remember where because it was years ago.
But I read somewhere somebody talking about the biggest difficulty with abuse in our society
(41:15):
is that we don't feel comfortable.
The people who are being abusive don't do it.
We can't come out and say, yes, I screwed up.
That was abusive.
I'm sorry.
Because as soon as you admit that you have been abusive, you're automatically labeled
as an abuser and nobody wants to talk to you.
And therefore, that person who was an abuser can't heal as an abused person.
(41:40):
They were almost invariably abused into that behavior.
But they aren't they aren't allowed to heal because no, you abuse somebody else.
We're not even going to listen to what happened to you because who cares?
And so when people try to talk about, oh, well, we need to focus on healing people who
have been abused.
They don't mean abusers.
(42:02):
And I find that to be an oversight at the least because it doesn't just on one hand,
you can look at it as they were abused.
And so you're cutting out all of these people who were also abused and saying that they
somehow aren't allowed to heal.
But on the other hand, you're saying to all the people who have been abused and didn't
(42:26):
turn into abusers that these are these people over here that did turn into abusers.
You have to defend yourself against them indefinitely because they'll never change.
Right.
And you're telling people who have never been abused, hey, watch out for these people because
they're never going to change.
So you just have to watch out and never get affected by them.
(42:48):
And that makes no sense to me when I know not all of them, not every abuser can be rehabilitated.
But I don't think that it's our job to determine which ones can and can't.
I believe as a society, it is our job to determine what we're going to do to help and let people
help themselves as best as they can.
(43:10):
And they'll filter themselves out accordingly.
Yeah.
And that's what I want from writers.
I want people that understand that perspective and want to write from that place.
Right.
And I do want to chime in because there's always a possibility that someone's going
to come in and be like, oh, you're going to protect abusers, huh?
And it's like, we're going to protect all of the abused.
(43:34):
I'm not protecting anybody.
I want to give them all representation and give them human decency.
I'm going to treat them all like they're all human beings.
And if anybody has a problem with that, I'm really not sure what you want out of this
world.
Sure.
Absolutely.
(43:54):
But we do absolutely care about the experiences and the feelings of the people that have been
abused.
That's a thing that's happened to many, many, many people.
And being able to share that is important as well.
So we get that.
But that's a lot of places that are, I mean, there's whole government programs set up to
(44:17):
help people that have been abused in certain ways.
You know what I mean?
And there are places where people fall through the cracks.
So I'm not going to say that's a perfect system, but this is something nobody's doing.
Right.
At least not that we've seen.
Not in a big enough area to make a dent in it.
So we're going to be a tiny corner of the internet that maybe starts trying to make
(44:38):
it happen too.
It'd be nice, you know, just to put a voice out there saying, let's not dehumanize people.
Right.
For the best of our ability.
Obviously, people who have been abused can still write.
I'm not saying that that's not allowed.
I'm just saying I don't want it to be the usual like, oh, I was abused.
(44:59):
How horrible is this kind of story?
I want it to be a thoughtful piece about this was what it was.
Like maybe they'll take the spin of it being difficult to know that this was abuse and
then realizing, oh, this is abuse.
And understanding that that might be somewhat difficult to see as an abuse, which even if
(45:23):
you're just taking it from the abuse side, an abuser will read that and be like, you're
right.
I didn't notice that was abuse either, even though I'm doing it to other people.
I've had that response personally.
And so like that's okay.
That's fine.
But like, I don't want somebody just to be all like, oh, abuse abusers are so terrible.
(45:45):
I saw this one writer, I don't remember her name, but she was very opinionated against
narcissists to the point where she decided that they were incapable of change.
And she lumped abusers and narcissists in the same category and was pretty much just
(46:06):
angrily labeling anybody who had even one tiny like narcissistic trait as being just
irredeemable.
And I'm like, I don't want that.
I know that that's a popular opinion on some places.
That is not what I want.
(46:27):
Right.
Because look, if you've been abused so often that you're like, I just need to have a box
that I can shove people into that I can then ignore those people because I can't be hurt.
I can't allow myself to be hurt anymore.
I get it.
I get it.
(46:47):
I get that that's what you're doing.
Abuse road is not the place for you.
You need an abuse parkway.
Sure.
Exactly.
But yeah, but it's not it's not okay to just hate on people.
It's okay to express what you've experienced trying not to be too traumatic or not to be
too traumatic to the reader about that, of course.
(47:09):
Right.
Am I correct in that?
Right.
Yeah.
If traumas need to be revisited, I'm going to be reading them and making sure that like,
is this necessary to traumatize the reader with for the message?
So that's going to be on a case by case basis.
I'm not going to say that you're not allowed to talk about the things that have happened
to you.
(47:30):
But if there's not a point to it, I'm going to say that it needs to be removed or downplayed
or hinted at, maybe made more vague.
You get the gist.
Yeah.
Yeah.
There's all kinds of there's all kinds.
I'm sorry to say it.
There's all kinds of like abuse porn out there that you can go and read about how absolutely
(47:52):
horrible somebody was to somebody else.
And it's like, I'm very I like some pretty dark media out there.
It has its place.
I'm not saying that it's bad.
I'm just saying that's not what I want for abuse.
You can find it if you want it, but it's not going to be on abuse road.
Right.
That's it.
(48:12):
That's really the insight there is not to is not to overwhelm readers.
It's to help people to think about what goes into it and to try and just help people abuse
less.
Yeah.
Because that's the way we get there is to notice what abuse even is.
Right.
Because if I'm being honest, that's that's at least half of the problem on both sides
(48:34):
behind on the side of being abused and on the side of being abusive.
Half the problem is that you don't even know what abuse is.
And then the other half is not knowing what you could do instead.
Knowledge knowledge information sharing, which is what I'm hoping for.
(48:58):
Walking this abuse road will help us all with.
Yep.
That's my intent.
We'll see.
We'll see how it goes.
I hope I hope I can convince myself to to write some reactions to some of the asshole
Reddit posts like you did at the beginning.
Me too.
And make it as interesting as the ones you did, if not more, if I can get there.
(49:19):
But like, yeah, I hope I get that because I'm really it seems like an interesting thing
because I like to look at perspectives of all perspectives and sort of the thing that
we used to do all the time.
Anything else you want to say about Abuse Road and your new guidelines?
Go read the guidelines for yourself.
We were kind of all over the place.
I have all over the place talking about them, but go check them out.
(49:42):
I have a specific way for people to submit to being new writers.
You have to read the article to find out.
I will.
It's not in here yet, but I do plan on putting a free Friendlink version at the top so that
people that aren't members can be writers for Abuse Road also, even if they're not
(50:08):
members of medium.
I just haven't done it yet.
I it's been a week or take your time.
Do what you got to do by the time this gets put out, which I think we now do on Monday.
So it'll be almost a week from now.
I will definitely have done it.
So yeah.
(50:30):
Final thoughts?
No.
Bye.
You good.
Thank you for joining.
Bye.
We appreciate your time.
Talk about final thoughts.
Right.
Mostly just, you know, trying to redirect people to themonsterali.com.
Yep.
(50:51):
And if you have stories, write, submit to be a writer for Abuse Road.
Yes, yes, yes.
And you can you can find the link to Abuse Road on the website as well, which isn't currently
set up, but it will by the time this comes out.
Right.
So I'm working on stuff, but most of the stuff I'm working on that I'm talking about right
(51:17):
now will be finished by the time this goes live.
Very confusing.
I know.
Oh, I'm so disorganized because we're releasing these on Mondays now.
Is that correct?
I believe so.
Yeah.
Sunday or Monday.
I don't know.
Which one do you want to do?
I think probably Sunday because I don't want to I don't want to work on it on Monday.
(51:40):
I just want to hit the button on a day that I'm off work.
You know what I'm saying?
Yeah, yeah.
So Sundays, maybe evening.
I don't know.
What time do you want to say?
I'm just going to let you determine that.
We'll just say Sunday evenings for now and then maybe we'll get more direct later.
But yeah, we've made that decision.
(52:01):
That way we don't push ourselves to overwhelm ourselves to do the editing and everything
to get it set up.
So yeah.
Yep.
Well, I want to thank you good and Ben Ulanci for popping by and hanging out with us in
our chat for a little while.
Both of them had to leave at this point, but we always appreciate you stopping by and taking
(52:22):
the time.
I'm eternally mortal and I hope you find smiles this day.
And I'm the accidental monster.
You can find us both on medium.com.
You can also go to the monster alley.com and learn about other stuff that we do like the
publications on medium that we read from on these episodes and follow yourself always.
Hi, I'm Tam.
(00:01):
And I'm Eternally Mortal.
And this is the Hidden Egg Podcast, where we talk about vulnerability.
And stuff and things.
And I have this new, well, it's not a new website, but I have revamped the MonsterAlley.com website.
I just wanted to put that early in so that people heard it before they clicked away.
(00:23):
That is all.
Yeah, check out the MonsterAlley.com.
It's been revamped a little bit, and it looks great.
Check it out.
It's awesome.
Okay, so first things first.
We're not able to do last week's episode for reasons.
(00:45):
But technically, if you're just following along on Spotify, you won't even notice, really,
I'm sure.
Yeah.
You know, if you come to it later.
If you're listening to us live, first of all, thanks, that's pretty awesome.
But yeah, we were off last week doing a little bit of self-care, taking care of ourselves
through a little bit of a downtime.
But we're back and gonna react to a couple of articles and showcase some vulnerability.
(01:10):
So are you ready for article number one?
Yeah.
Do you know which one that's gonna be?
Have you decided which one?
I have.
I have it.
Yeah.
I have an order for them.
Do you want me to surprise me or do you want me to guess?
I can just surprise you.
It's fine.
It's the I'm not attracted to my overweight wife anymore article.
(01:31):
Ah, yes.
Which is one of the few that don't have a picture that I am like, yeah, this is actually
pretty good.
I usually like a picture.
Everybody likes a good picture, you know?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
But this one didn't really need it in my opinion.
I don't know if we have up to this point, but do we want to just like shout out the name
(01:53):
of the writer?
Yeah.
This was written by Dr. Samantha Rodman-Whitin.
Or Whitten.
Is it Whitten?
It could be either one.
It could be Whitten.
AKA Dr. Psych Mom on medium.com.
Yeah.
And it seems like Dr. Psych Mom is kind of a social media presence for this person.
And so, you know, check them out.
(02:13):
This was a really interesting article that examined the vulnerability of someone else
actually.
Yeah.
So I already know how I feel about it.
And I've already talked with one of our mutual friends about how I feel about it.
I want to know what you think about it so that I don't taint your perspective.
Okay.
(02:35):
So I definitely had, I guess for context, in case you haven't read the article, of course,
there is a, it's an article.
It basically is a showcase of a, I don't know if it was a question letter or whatever, but
it was a man who is no longer attracted to his wife because she's gained weight.
(02:57):
And that's pretty clear from the title, I guess.
And I struggled with the idea of a person that you love, like losing that love, any
part of that love, any, like any little, like the lust part of that love, because of a change
in body structure.
But I know it certainly does happen.
(03:19):
It's a real thing that real people experience, certainly.
And this person, the writer, I can't remember her name anymore.
I just scrolled past it.
Dr. Psych Mom was really understanding in her response.
I thought it was amazing.
Truly.
In her response to it, should I just continue?
I feel like I should let you talk if I need to.
(03:40):
I was just going to say, Ben said something about that he's actually gone through that.
I assume you weren't the one that was overweight.
No offense.
You just don't look like a guy that's been overweight.
Maybe long, long ago, I guess that's always possible.
But yeah, I think there's been other people that have had similar experiences.
(04:07):
I'm not telling you my opinion on it just yet.
I want to get to the end of your thing.
But Ben's statement, basically, I wish beauty standards didn't get to me, but they do.
And I think that's pretty common.
It is.
If I'm being honest.
Like I fight myself to try and love everyone for who they are.
(04:29):
But I absolutely, like if I see a person that adheres to the beauty standards that just
live in my brain, then like I'm immediately attracted.
I immediately want to make them smile if I can't if I can have any chance of doing that.
So I think everybody to a certain extent does.
Just reading about it like through me for a little while.
(04:49):
But like I said, Dr. Psych Mom was really understanding.
And there's some I don't want to get too much in the weeds of like saying every aspect of
the article.
But like, you know, there's some trauma that led to that position for this gentleman.
And I got it.
And her response, I thought, was really well thought out and compassionate to both people.
(05:11):
I still feel like the the overweight wife might just feel attacked from some of this.
And so I worry about that sort of thing.
But it's not really like who gives a shit what I think, honestly.
That's why we're here is literally what we're listening to is what you think.
Yeah, I guess that's why we're here.
That's true.
(05:31):
Hey, how's it going?
But but yeah, I mean, I don't know that the overweight wife is going to read Dr. Psych
Mom's article to get any sort of reaction from it.
But like that's what I look at when I see it is is how it pertains to everybody.
You know what I mean?
(05:51):
And so yeah, we all had to pause.
So Ben said sometimes I feel like some people who say they're sapiosexual are lying to themselves
a little.
They're attracted to someone who's truly hideous from what I've seen.
And I would agree.
Are you finished with your opinion?
I don't want to like cut you off if you're still expressing.
(06:14):
I feel like I feel like I've expressed a good deal of the general feeling that I have for
the article.
Go ahead.
OK, because this is a good segue into mine.
And I think the doctor is 100 percent spot on.
And she's gotten a lot of flack for it.
Usually she was telling him that like he doesn't get to control what he's attracted to because
(06:34):
none of us control what we're attracted to.
It's it's one thing to say if he's like going out of his way to shame her, then yeah, that's
wrong.
But it's another thing entirely to suggest that if she gains weight, he has to somehow
change this fundamental part of who he is and what he's attracted to.
(06:56):
Regardless of the fact that she could just lose the weight.
And I'm not saying that she has to lose her the weight if she's happy with that, with
who she is in that body and that's what she wants to be more power to her.
But that does not give her the license to try to change him either.
Like, this might be a case where they now are no longer compatible.
(07:18):
Yeah.
And I think I read in there they're separated or whatever.
And maybe that is the right path.
Absolutely, because, you know, I do I would want people that are in a partnership of that
sort to be attracted to each other, you know, in multiple ways, including physically.
There's definitely like some people that I've seen that were over 80 and still loved holding
(07:40):
hands and cuddling with each other.
That's a physical intimacy that still exists, even though they're, you know, 80 and not
necessarily up to beauty standards of today.
Does that make sense?
Yeah.
I mean, I mean, I'm technically overweight.
Right.
So I don't I don't know if I'm obese.
I don't know that that's like if I am on like the very like percentage wise, I'm on the
(08:07):
very tip of it, maybe.
But I know I'm definitely overweight.
My doctors have been telling me I need to lose like 20 pounds or something.
So I it hits me in the same way that it would hit the wife.
I am terrified of somebody like my partner being like, yeah, I just don't find you attractive
(08:27):
anymore.
But I don't find that to be a him problem.
It's not like we we actually discussed this when we started dating where he had an obese
partner and she was abusive.
And even before her abuse, he had he like pushed himself to act like he was attracted
(08:48):
to her because he didn't want to feel like he was too superficial.
And like we talked in the beginning of our relationship, I'm like, if I ever get to that
point, we shouldn't be we shouldn't be having sex.
Like I should be working on whatever it is that's making me obese at that point.
(09:10):
It's not an us problem.
It's a me problem.
And that like that might if that breaks our relationship, then we'll try the best we can.
But like, never once did it occur to me to try to like, force him to just push through
it.
That doesn't that just doesn't make sense to me.
(09:31):
Right.
Right.
This guy did specifically mention that he was nice the first several times, but then
became not nice about it.
And so I wonder what that looks like.
That's fair.
That is a good point.
Like if he's gotten mean about it, then that might be that's definitely not OK.
But that might be because he had an obese mother that abused him.
(09:55):
And that could be him being triggered by her kind of kind of being in a body that reminds
him of his abusive mother, which isn't her fault.
Right.
And it's something that he would probably benefit from some therapy about.
But absolutely.
Assuming that he's not being like a complete dick about it.
(10:20):
I mean, he might just be upset because she's trying to push him to do something that it
says that they had talked about it before she gained the weight and that she used to
understand and then she gained the weight and now she's no longer understanding.
So like, I don't know what she's saying and doing either.
I'm not going to pick sides on who's being worse here.
(10:43):
But the issue about it, you know, the overweight sexuality attraction thing at its face value
for me might just be a deal breaker now.
Yeah, I agree.
It might be a deal breaker.
And you know, if it does break that deal, I do hope that they go and find other loves.
Excuse me a second.
(11:06):
Sure.
And in the letter, there was a lot of love expressed still for the person inside the
meat suit.
You know what I'm saying?
And so like, I'm glad to see that they seem to be like continuing the friendship.
I think that that's delightful.
But we actually don't hear a whole heck of a lot about her perspective for the majority
(11:30):
of that post or that letter that he wrote.
Because the beginning, it does indeed say that she knew that it was a trigger for him,
knew that he had been abused in this way and wanted to be conscientious of that and just
let me know, to quote unquote, just let me know.
And it didn't work out that way.
But we haven't heard what her responses to his pressure have been.
(11:55):
There's a lot of things we don't know in this.
And Dr. Psych Mom, I think, brings up a really good point in the article as well about how
you know, sometimes when someone feels pressured to do something from someone else, it completely
eradicates the ability and motivation to do that.
And when that pressure is alleviated, sometimes it can be a lot easier to work on it.
(12:18):
And she said that she's like, I don't know if this person, if your wife wants to work
on her weight or not.
But if she does, it might be a lot easier for her to do so if you were able to just
not pressure her about it, be as nice and comfortable and relaxed as you can be and
do the best you can to help her.
Can I share a weird perspective that I just thought of?
(12:40):
Sure.
Well, let's let's let's look at you goods thing.
Yeah, is he meeting her expectations?
I wish we could get her angle, too.
I just don't think we're gonna get more than what we get.
Yeah.
And I mean, I'm in the weeds.
Go ahead.
You just might.
I just thought of this weird perspective that I have.
So you know how like there's heartthrob celebrities, right?
(13:04):
There's people that that society generally says are more attractive.
They put them at the 10.
So I'm going to name a name and you're going to know exactly what I'm talking about.
George Clooney.
Right.
Yeah.
I find him to be hideous.
I am not sexually attracted to that man at all.
(13:25):
Does he care?
No, of course not.
But my point is, I if I were in a relationship with a man that looked like George Clooney,
there'd be no point.
There's nothing I could do to force myself to be sexually attracted to him.
It's just not something I'm capable of, because that's how how attraction works.
(13:48):
You you get a certain statistics of what you want that you kind of have to work within.
Right.
Right.
Absolutely.
And you saying that is a perfect example because it helps me, you know, see the differences
and just perception.
Because like for me, George Clooney, as a person for the last 25 years, since he was
(14:12):
on what was it?
E.R.
Yeah.
What's the E.R.?
I think I think you're right.
But whatever he was on for that entire time, he has looked like a caricature, like like
someone drew a face and it wanted to make it look a little exaggerated and funny.
So I get what you're saying.
However, George Clooney has certainly delivered lines in a smooth and confident way that I've
(14:34):
been like, oh, hmm, come over here, Mr. Caricature.
I like his personality, but there's something about him physically I am just not attracted
to.
Yeah.
And I don't know what I couldn't tell you.
But I have no idea.
But I do know that it is a pretty regular thing that traditionally attractive men are
(14:54):
unattractive to me.
I am more attracted to people that are are statistically from society's view, less attractive
people than I am to the ones that are conventional tens.
Right.
And that's just preference.
Yeah.
Preference exists.
(15:15):
I know there are people that don't like to agree about that.
But preference exists.
We're all attracted to kind of weird or specific or quirky things.
And that's kind of what you good was saying.
It's the Riz.
You know, they just have a certain like pizzazz about their personality.
But even if even if a traditionally attractive man had that, like George Clooney, he has
(15:40):
he has that kind of pizzazz going on about him.
I just it's not it just doesn't do it for me.
So I can understand how weight has that same effect for people.
And it does for me, too.
At a certain point, it is beyond what I'm attracted to.
(16:00):
I think we all have limitations like that.
And some of us like they're all different.
Some people don't like skinny people.
So like it's not something that you can say people need to change.
It's something that if you are in that group that your husband or your partner is no longer
attracted to, it's it's now a lack of compatibility.
(16:23):
You just aren't compatible anymore.
And I think it might be time to move on.
Right.
Yeah.
I think I think that's probably the case, because like everybody I mean, I'm I'm I'm
I'm Polly.
I am a big believer and attributer of polyamory.
(16:45):
And so like I the whole there's the whole idea that there's one perfect person out
there for somebody, you know, and like I've just never really under there's been like
two or three dozen people that I've fallen head over heels in love with in my life.
And so it's just difficult for me to understand this whole like one person.
And it's like people change.
There's always going to be an evolution to people, both physically and mentally and emotionally.
(17:08):
I mean, beyond that, even you have limitations to what you're physically attracted to.
And I'm not going to out the one big glaring thing that I know about that you probably
are aware of also.
But I know that you have had trouble with being attracted to some people in the past.
(17:28):
Absolutely.
In ways that they cannot control.
Mm hmm.
That is absolutely the case.
I think when we try to tell people that they deserve to be loved and that they do not deserve
to be shamed, that does not include forcing everybody to be attracted to them.
No, of course not.
(17:49):
You can't force anybody to be attracted to anybody.
You know what I mean?
Right.
Well, I know I know that you kind of you kind of have the stance of that they should still
love their partner even though they gain some weight.
Yeah, originally.
Yeah.
Originally, I was when we were talking when I started talking about it.
(18:10):
Yeah, I did struggle with that when I first started thinking about this article.
But I guess I haven't also I don't think I've had the experience of somebody really changing
during a relationship because that's really the thing because like, you know, some things
that we don't are attracted to, we're not going to get into a relationship with somebody
and then they're going to turn into that.
(18:30):
No one that you start dating is going to turn into George Clooney.
Does that make sense?
Well, I mean, you don't know.
Maybe.
Right.
We get that celebrity facial reconstructive surgery that just is free.
But you could you could perspective might be spot on to that maybe the wife hates him
and either doesn't want to tell him or doesn't want to admit it herself.
(18:54):
And that might be the reason why she gained weight to like push him away.
It's funny that the last thing you mentioned was, you know, she birthed his kids and now
as a muffin top because because Dr. Psych Mom, the writer of this article specifically
called out that, you know, she's known that dudes that are like, I'm not attracted to
my wife anymore because she had kids.
(19:15):
And she's like, that's some bullshit.
I don't know what she said, but you know, that it's not cool.
But like, this is a this was a different situation entirely because there was, you know, childhood
abuse that really spurred this whole feeling.
Right.
But and I'm not sure that like we can ask him to just change his trauma because she
(19:36):
gained weight.
Like it's not her fault, but at the same time, it's not his either.
Like it's a situation that needs to be worked through and finding the faults or finding
the blame is really just distracting.
You know, at this point, right, they both are things that they need to work on.
Clearly just needs to work on his trauma for himself.
I don't know if that's going to make it to where he becomes a, you know, person that's
(19:58):
into larger women.
I have no idea if that's what would change for him at all, but like at least address
the trauma, regardless of what the outcome is.
And if she's gaining weight for negative reasons, the depressions or anxieties or agoraphobia
or any anything else that is going on that might be causing this weight gain, then those
(20:18):
things need to be addressed and the weight gain will come with it.
If that's a thing.
She's just even if it doesn't, even if the weight loss, like even if she doesn't lose
the weight through like getting therapy for these other things, she'll still be better
off and if the relationship's over, she'll definitely be way better off because she will
be kind of more secure in her own body.
(20:41):
Right.
And that's the goal for her.
We don't even know if that's what she might love her body.
And if she does more power to her, a fantastic, that's amazing.
Go for it.
But like that's really the goal at the end of the day is that whatever she's doing with
her body, as long as she loves it, in my opinion.
And yeah, a beast is subjective.
(21:02):
So we should we should probably move on to the next one if that's OK.
I don't want to like abruptly change topics, but I don't know if there's much more we can
say about this one.
No, no, no.
And you know, it got us into thinking about how we perceive life and we shared that.
That's amazing.
Let's move on.
OK.
The next one is by our native writer, You Good.
(21:27):
Hello monster fellow P. You Good.
I can feel her her cheeks burning now.
It's fine.
You Good wrote an article called To Celebrate a Lifetime of Being Fine, which I was delighted
to read twice, actually.
And do you want to do you want to launch into the early soliloquy this time or shall I do
(21:49):
it again?
Oh, did you do it last time?
I don't know.
I feel like I always do the things.
So I've been trying to like step aside so that I'm not always talking.
Well, you asked me what I felt about the previous article.
Yeah, that's true.
Well, that's because I didn't want to like.
Form my opinion.
(22:10):
Yeah.
And I feel like I changed your mind there in the middle.
So I feel like it was the right call.
Maybe.
Yeah, I can I can kind of go go over a little bit.
Yeah.
So I'm not going to go through all the specifics, but You Good was talking about something I
find very relatable in that like you reach 40, which I did last year.
(22:36):
She's turning 40 this year.
And you look at your life and you're just like.
What what's going on here?
Now, now her thing like it started out with with the possibility of a party.
And she started thinking about like, who would she even want at her party?
All of her friends just felt superficial.
(22:58):
And I don't know, she worked through the the like idea that, you know, I don't need a lot
of people.
I just need people that love me.
I need, you know, quality over quantity.
Real people.
Not that everybody not that anyone's really fake.
It's just that whether or not you are in relation to the relationship, you know what I mean?
(23:23):
Yeah.
And it's I'm sure that it is something that affects a lot of people out there because
like I feel like a lot of people in America or in first world countries or the Western
nations, whatever you want to say through their 20s, it's just this in teens, it's just
this wild like gathering people fest.
(23:43):
And some some of them are people that are have real connection to you.
Some of them are just ancillary or incidental because of who you happen to run into in certain
places.
And like, you know, really looking at some of those relationships and seeing them for
what how shallow they probably are is very difficult for people to see, I think, because
(24:04):
there's a there's potentially either a shame or a blame that's going to come along with
it.
Like I'm going to do a good enough job to make this relationship deeper or I'm going
to blame the other person for not doing good enough job to make this relationship deeper.
You know, I think that when people look at it like that, that's what comes up.
But well, if you can do you want to respond to that before I before I bought it?
(24:26):
I mean, I don't you can go ahead.
I have other things to say, but I don't know that they have to do with what you're talking
about.
So continue.
OK, right on.
I think that there's a different way to look at the relationships that we go through, you
know, like that they are the experiences that they are.
And I'm only saying this because I don't I don't feel like we should regret the time
that has gone by.
(24:47):
But I think that it's valuable and important to be able to realize where that what the
state of our current relationships are.
And you goods article.
I'm sorry, this would be a change in topics.
If you want to go next, you can.
But I was just going to say that you goods article was so much about about giving about
(25:07):
giving to people and not receiving in return.
Yeah.
About constantly just justifying anything that happened to her as being, you know, normal
or it's fine or it's whatever or it's something I can get through.
Yeah.
And man, was that real?
(25:29):
My goodness.
I feel a lot of the underlying like I don't know that maybe she did spell it out and I
just forgot, but I don't know if she did or not.
But it feels like this sort of Keeping Up with the Joneses sort of thing, where all
of the friend groups around, you know, middle age, everybody's still so busy trying to make
(25:54):
sure that they have or appear like they have the things you're supposed to have and that
you're doing the things you're supposed to be doing.
And so the the friendships end up somewhat transactional.
You could like 100 percent.
And so instead of being real, instead of having meaning to the friendships, it's sort of like
(26:15):
checking off the box of, you know, I went to this person's birthday party.
I went I saw these people at the holiday mixer or, you know, you know what I mean?
And it was kind of in the background that was that she was like really trying to connect
with these people.
It wasn't about the status or making sure to check the box to her.
(26:36):
It was more about are we friends?
Like this is a time like this is what friends are supposed to do and we're supposed to build
more.
But they weren't interested in connecting.
And her way of kind of getting through that was like it's it's fine until it wasn't fine.
Yeah.
And that's a it's a big moment.
(26:57):
And it's a it's a growing moment.
It's a it's a moment that you you evolve a little bit as a person into something that
knows a little bit more.
But it's painful, certainly.
I I remember fondly all of my friends from high school because when I moved at the very
(27:22):
end of middle school, I chose to reinvent myself and I made what I felt were very close
friends in high school.
And like, you know, we like pledged loyalty to each other in certain regards, me and several
of them in various ways.
One of them I was supposed to get married to if we both turned 30 and neither one of
(27:43):
us were married.
Like I cared deeply about those relationships.
And when I look back, I still very much care about all of those people.
But I certainly didn't put in myself.
I didn't put in enough effort to maintain those communications.
And I can certainly look back and be like, I maintained a lot of those communications
(28:05):
for as long as they did last.
And it was there was no effort put in from the other people, too.
And it's it's sad.
It's really reading you reading you goods article.
Like I kind of felt a little seen and I appreciate that greatly.
You remember my my like late 20s, early 30s like that.
(28:25):
That was like my whole life.
All of the friends that I had that I thought that they were the true ones because they
had lasted through so much already.
They just fell away.
And I was just like constantly just like I need some frickin friends.
I'm going insane here.
And I had to learn to live without having friends.
(28:45):
Like I just didn't have them anymore.
It was it was really painful.
We appreciate the hugs you good.
Yep.
Yep.
I don't know whether it's a natural part of growing up to leave groups of people behind
(29:06):
and that learning how to deal with that grief is some, you know, natural human evolution.
I certainly know people that have been friends with their best friends since freaking kindergarten.
My dad's best friend was somebody he went to high school with.
I do have a friend that I've had since I was 10.
(29:26):
Yeah, that's right.
Yeah, that's a good.
That's a good friend.
My god, amazing.
But they're few and far between.
Those are like some super gems.
And we fell out like not not that we had a like falling out necessarily, but we didn't
talk for like a decade.
Yeah.
(29:47):
And I thought I had lost her forever.
So you know, sometimes sometimes you lose the friends and then you find them again.
Yeah.
And you could says think of how many just stay in superficial relationships their whole
lives, though.
So many of them just accept it and don't care maybe.
And maybe we care more than most.
(30:09):
So my family seems to be like that.
And from what I've gathered from my family, not my chosen family, I mean, the ones that
I came from in childhood, roughly, they they seem to not believe that what friendships
I have are even real.
They don't believe them.
(30:30):
It's like I'm telling them about unicorns, literal unicorns.
I me talking about my my friendships, they sound like they listen to it with the same
kind of belief as you would listen to a five year old talking about playing with dragons
(30:51):
in the backyard.
They literally do not believe that it is possible.
They think I'm delusional and a little bit insane, but that that makes me happy.
And so they're fine with it.
Cute.
And it's really just that people don't understand different experiences.
There's a lot of people.
(31:12):
Maybe it's just people around this area.
Maybe the Midwest is rife with this.
But there's a lot of people that are just like, I can't trust others.
I'm not there's no there's no chance I'm going to share who I really am with other
people because then they'll have power over me.
And it's like that's that's the good stuff.
Yeah, I think that the the missing link there is that the right people don't abuse that
(31:36):
power over you.
No, they nurture it.
They give you more power by knowing that shit.
Right.
If you give people the right people power over you, you will know they're the right
people because they don't hurt you with it.
At least not intentionally.
They may accidentally get everybody hurts everybody into accidentally, but they don't
(31:59):
purposefully go out of their way to undermine you to to hurt you to abuse you to take the
things that you have.
You don't have to worry about being vulnerable with them because that's the point of finding
the right ones.
Right.
And when they do hurt you, they care that they hurt you.
(32:20):
Right.
But it takes a lot of courage for people that have been hurt so many times in the past to
put themselves out there enough to allow another person to hurt them.
And I guess I get that.
I mean, I guess I understand it in a certain regard, but it's just it's it's so worth
the risk to me.
And I don't.
(32:40):
Of course, I'm not really like reaching out in my local community to make new friends
or whatever.
I feel so socially overwhelmed that maybe I shouldn't be talking about this.
Well, actually, that's a good place to segue because I don't want to like ruin the end
of the article.
I want people to go to You Goods article and read it, but it actually does have a really
uplifting solution to me.
(33:01):
The place where she goes with this this realization of kind of digging into all of this history
of like, are these people really friends and like understanding her own experience of the
loss of those friendships at the very end of this tunnel is a bright silver lining and
a rainbow that's I just I think it's wonderful.
(33:24):
And I think that anybody that reads it, if you're dealing with something like this right
now, go go and read it and see where she went and see if that resonates with you, because
I think it might it might be really helpful.
Of course.
Thank you.
Thank you.
I loved this article.
It was wonderful.
(33:45):
It was delightful.
I enjoyed it a lot.
So usually the third article is the uplifting one.
And the second article ended up being kind of both a little bit of the abused stuff and
hopeful.
So for this particular episode, I am I'm using this slot for the third article to be about
(34:09):
my new submission guidelines for Abuse Road.
Because I want people to write for that particular publication and it I don't I don't know.
I don't know what to say about it.
I just want to talk about it and see if maybe people are interested in writing for Abuse
Road.
(34:30):
Right.
And so you've posted your submission guidelines somewhere.
Is that correct?
Yes.
Yes.
They're on Medium in Abuse Road.
Did you want me to send you the link?
Did you need to find it?
No, no, no, I can find it.
I mean, I'm currently on You Good's article, so I can just click on the pub there.
(34:52):
But but yeah, so when I feel a little bit bad about that, sorry, before you start up,
I feel a little bit bad about it because I published this after I published You Good's
story and You Good used a portrait picture instead of a landscape orientation picture.
I'm going to be a little stickler from here out, but I wasn't for that particular one.
(35:18):
No, it's fine.
You didn't do anything wrong.
You good.
I didn't think about it when I published it.
So that was completely on me.
But then I put it in the submission guidelines so that from here on, please make it the landscape
because it looks better on the actual publication.
No, you don't have to edit it.
(35:38):
It's fine.
No, unless you want to only do it if you want to.
The picture you put on there, You Good is just fantastic.
It's perfect for that.
Perfect for that.
Yeah, you're a lot of elements that article that I really like, but I don't want to call
out every single one of them because everyone should check out the article.
Yeah.
(35:59):
And you can check out through abuse road.
So yeah, so what I want what I want abuse road to be is hard for me to really put into
words, which is ironic.
But basically, we're kind of going to kind of going to feel this out together.
I want it to be about abuse, but I don't want it to get traumatic.
(36:23):
Right.
I want I want people to be able to go here, whether they have been abused or have abused
others and they're looking for change.
They're looking to understand.
I want both people to have a place to meet here in the middle as a sort of truce area,
(36:48):
you know, on the edge of abusers and the abused to to meet and talk about why these things
are happening and what we want things how we want things to be different, because I
believe more people that are abusive can be rehabilitated to no longer be abusive than
(37:10):
we are really giving credit to.
And I think doing that would help people that are being abused be less abused in the long
run.
Absolutely.
Not in the past, obviously.
Sorry.
Right.
Because and I think that the difficulty is going to be about, you know, dealing with
(37:31):
abuse deals with the abuse of the past.
And so those emotions are going to be coming up at the same time.
But but I love your intention to, you know, bring all of these people together and to
communicate, to try and really openly communicate about what happened to be able to move forward
with that.
There's so many there's so many like mythologies and philosophies out there that talk about
(37:57):
how harming someone harms the self.
You know, like and the it's really talking about abuse.
It's really easy to see that that is definitely the case in abuse.
And you can see it very easily in the fact that the abused oftentimes become abusers.
They call that abusive self-defense.
(38:17):
If you want if anybody listening wants to know more about abuse from a reputable source,
the hotline.org is where I get everything.
I double check if I'm calling something an abuse, I will double check it through that
website because they have all these different ways of saying, you know, this is this is
what abuse looks like.
(38:38):
This is how you can tell that it is abuse.
It all it all basically comes down to control.
But people who have been abused were put in that power struggle and they might very often
actually end up feeling very insecure about what they are allowed to control, what they
have control over.
(39:00):
And sometimes they overcorrect when they get out of the situation where they're being abused.
And then they become abusive because they've overcorrected and taken more control than
they should because they are still unhealed.
And so they tip the scales from being abused into being an abuser.
And I don't want to demonize people that are going through that struggle as if that's all
(39:24):
they can ever be.
Right.
Because change and growth is so important to realize.
And there's no reason to continue.
I'm sorry, there's no way to just give people the reason to dehumanize people and saying
this is an abuser so we don't have to care about them.
Right.
And it's like, that's not going to help anything.
Because there's so many abusers out there that when they were abused was when they were
(39:49):
kids.
And so it wasn't just that they were being abused, they were also learning how to treat
other people.
And learning how to live.
Yeah.
Like they were learning from their parents how you're supposed to treat other people
to live a life.
So they were learning how to protect themselves and abuse others.
That's what they learned because that's the example that they were given.
(40:11):
And then they turn into abusers.
But that doesn't mean that that's who they have to be their whole life.
A lot of them, a lot of people that have been abusing people for decades are not going to
believe it.
But like you can get to a point where you no longer just feel angry at everybody for
ruining your life all the time.
I am a count, I can say that is 100% true.
(40:32):
Not everybody will get to that point.
But I was like that.
That was me.
I was abusive.
I was angry at everything and everyone for making me and my life the way it was.
And one day I woke up and I wasn't angry anymore.
It didn't happen like that.
There was a lot of work put into it.
But I'm just saying that time can come.
(40:53):
Yeah.
It's a gradual change and an evolution of spirit.
And anyone that thinks that our spirit doesn't evolve over time is incorrect.
I apologize.
I read somewhere and I don't remember where because it was years ago.
But I read somewhere somebody talking about the biggest difficulty with abuse in our society
(41:15):
is that we don't feel comfortable.
The people who are being abusive don't do it.
We can't come out and say, yes, I screwed up.
That was abusive.
I'm sorry.
Because as soon as you admit that you have been abusive, you're automatically labeled
as an abuser and nobody wants to talk to you.
And therefore, that person who was an abuser can't heal as an abused person.
(41:40):
They were almost invariably abused into that behavior.
But they aren't they aren't allowed to heal because no, you abuse somebody else.
We're not even going to listen to what happened to you because who cares?
And so when people try to talk about, oh, well, we need to focus on healing people who
have been abused.
They don't mean abusers.
(42:02):
And I find that to be an oversight at the least because it doesn't just on one hand,
you can look at it as they were abused.
And so you're cutting out all of these people who were also abused and saying that they
somehow aren't allowed to heal.
But on the other hand, you're saying to all the people who have been abused and didn't
(42:26):
turn into abusers that these are these people over here that did turn into abusers.
You have to defend yourself against them indefinitely because they'll never change.
Right.
And you're telling people who have never been abused, hey, watch out for these people because
they're never going to change.
So you just have to watch out and never get affected by them.
(42:48):
And that makes no sense to me when I know not all of them, not every abuser can be rehabilitated.
But I don't think that it's our job to determine which ones can and can't.
I believe as a society, it is our job to determine what we're going to do to help and let people
help themselves as best as they can.
(43:10):
And they'll filter themselves out accordingly.
Yeah.
And that's what I want from writers.
I want people that understand that perspective and want to write from that place.
Right.
And I do want to chime in because there's always a possibility that someone's going
to come in and be like, oh, you're going to protect abusers, huh?
And it's like, we're going to protect all of the abused.
(43:34):
I'm not protecting anybody.
I want to give them all representation and give them human decency.
I'm going to treat them all like they're all human beings.
And if anybody has a problem with that, I'm really not sure what you want out of this
world.
Sure.
Absolutely.
(43:54):
But we do absolutely care about the experiences and the feelings of the people that have been
abused.
That's a thing that's happened to many, many, many people.
And being able to share that is important as well.
So we get that.
But that's a lot of places that are, I mean, there's whole government programs set up to
(44:17):
help people that have been abused in certain ways.
You know what I mean?
And there are places where people fall through the cracks.
So I'm not going to say that's a perfect system, but this is something nobody's doing.
Right.
At least not that we've seen.
Not in a big enough area to make a dent in it.
So we're going to be a tiny corner of the internet that maybe starts trying to make
(44:38):
it happen too.
It'd be nice, you know, just to put a voice out there saying, let's not dehumanize people.
Right.
For the best of our ability.
Obviously, people who have been abused can still write.
I'm not saying that that's not allowed.
I'm just saying I don't want it to be the usual like, oh, I was abused.
(44:59):
How horrible is this kind of story?
I want it to be a thoughtful piece about this was what it was.
Like maybe they'll take the spin of it being difficult to know that this was abuse and
then realizing, oh, this is abuse.
And understanding that that might be somewhat difficult to see as an abuse, which even if
(45:23):
you're just taking it from the abuse side, an abuser will read that and be like, you're
right.
I didn't notice that was abuse either, even though I'm doing it to other people.
I've had that response personally.
And so like that's okay.
That's fine.
But like, I don't want somebody just to be all like, oh, abuse abusers are so terrible.
(45:45):
I saw this one writer, I don't remember her name, but she was very opinionated against
narcissists to the point where she decided that they were incapable of change.
And she lumped abusers and narcissists in the same category and was pretty much just
(46:06):
angrily labeling anybody who had even one tiny like narcissistic trait as being just
irredeemable.
And I'm like, I don't want that.
I know that that's a popular opinion on some places.
That is not what I want.
(46:27):
Right.
Because look, if you've been abused so often that you're like, I just need to have a box
that I can shove people into that I can then ignore those people because I can't be hurt.
I can't allow myself to be hurt anymore.
I get it.
I get it.
(46:47):
I get that that's what you're doing.
Abuse road is not the place for you.
You need an abuse parkway.
Sure.
Exactly.
But yeah, but it's not it's not okay to just hate on people.
It's okay to express what you've experienced trying not to be too traumatic or not to be
too traumatic to the reader about that, of course.
(47:09):
Right.
Am I correct in that?
Right.
Yeah.
If traumas need to be revisited, I'm going to be reading them and making sure that like,
is this necessary to traumatize the reader with for the message?
So that's going to be on a case by case basis.
I'm not going to say that you're not allowed to talk about the things that have happened
to you.
(47:30):
But if there's not a point to it, I'm going to say that it needs to be removed or downplayed
or hinted at, maybe made more vague.
You get the gist.
Yeah.
Yeah.
There's all kinds of there's all kinds.
I'm sorry to say it.
There's all kinds of like abuse porn out there that you can go and read about how absolutely
(47:52):
horrible somebody was to somebody else.
And it's like, I'm very I like some pretty dark media out there.
It has its place.
I'm not saying that it's bad.
I'm just saying that's not what I want for abuse.
You can find it if you want it, but it's not going to be on abuse road.
Right.
That's it.
(48:12):
That's really the insight there is not to is not to overwhelm readers.
It's to help people to think about what goes into it and to try and just help people abuse
less.
Yeah.
Because that's the way we get there is to notice what abuse even is.
Right.
Because if I'm being honest, that's that's at least half of the problem on both sides
(48:34):
behind on the side of being abused and on the side of being abusive.
Half the problem is that you don't even know what abuse is.
And then the other half is not knowing what you could do instead.
Knowledge knowledge information sharing, which is what I'm hoping for.
(48:58):
Walking this abuse road will help us all with.
Yep.
That's my intent.
We'll see.
We'll see how it goes.
I hope I hope I can convince myself to to write some reactions to some of the asshole
Reddit posts like you did at the beginning.
Me too.
And make it as interesting as the ones you did, if not more, if I can get there.
(49:19):
But like, yeah, I hope I get that because I'm really it seems like an interesting thing
because I like to look at perspectives of all perspectives and sort of the thing that
we used to do all the time.
Anything else you want to say about Abuse Road and your new guidelines?
Go read the guidelines for yourself.
We were kind of all over the place.
I have all over the place talking about them, but go check them out.
(49:42):
I have a specific way for people to submit to being new writers.
You have to read the article to find out.
I will.
It's not in here yet, but I do plan on putting a free Friendlink version at the top so that
people that aren't members can be writers for Abuse Road also, even if they're not
(50:08):
members of medium.
I just haven't done it yet.
I it's been a week or take your time.
Do what you got to do by the time this gets put out, which I think we now do on Monday.
So it'll be almost a week from now.
I will definitely have done it.
So yeah.
(50:30):
Final thoughts?
No.
Bye.
You good.
Thank you for joining.
Bye.
We appreciate your time.
Talk about final thoughts.
Right.
Mostly just, you know, trying to redirect people to themonsterali.com.
Yep.
(50:51):
And if you have stories, write, submit to be a writer for Abuse Road.
Yes, yes, yes.
And you can you can find the link to Abuse Road on the website as well, which isn't currently
set up, but it will by the time this comes out.
Right.
So I'm working on stuff, but most of the stuff I'm working on that I'm talking about right
(51:17):
now will be finished by the time this goes live.
Very confusing.
I know.
Oh, I'm so disorganized because we're releasing these on Mondays now.
Is that correct?
I believe so.
Yeah.
Sunday or Monday.
I don't know.
Which one do you want to do?
I think probably Sunday because I don't want to I don't want to work on it on Monday.
(51:40):
I just want to hit the button on a day that I'm off work.
You know what I'm saying?
Yeah, yeah.
So Sundays, maybe evening.
I don't know.
What time do you want to say?
I'm just going to let you determine that.
We'll just say Sunday evenings for now and then maybe we'll get more direct later.
But yeah, we've made that decision.
(52:01):
That way we don't push ourselves to overwhelm ourselves to do the editing and everything
to get it set up.
So yeah.
Yep.
Well, I want to thank you good and Ben Ulanci for popping by and hanging out with us in
our chat for a little while.
Both of them had to leave at this point, but we always appreciate you stopping by and taking
(52:22):
the time.
I'm eternally mortal and I hope you find smiles this day.
And I'm the accidental monster.
You can find us both on medium.com.
You can also go to the monster alley.com and learn about other stuff that we do like the
publications on medium that we read from on these episodes and follow yourself always.
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