February 2, 2024 • 36 mins
Brian Nicholas Hoeflinger was a beloved son, brother, and friend. He was a kind, intelligent, funny, and all around amazing human who was lost too soon. This episode is in memory of his life and who he was as a person.
Rest in peace Brian. We all love and miss you dearly.
12/28/1994 - 2/2/2013
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Today is the 11th anniversary of our son, brian's
death, and we thought we wouldtalk about how we've dealt with
that anniversary date over theyears and how that's evolved and
changed.
I think that whether you likeit or not, it's a special date
(00:22):
that you cannot ignore, youcannot forget and you can't make
it better.
You can't make it a special day.
In the beginning, I used to tryto have something special that
we did like right after he diddie, we had a special date where
we invited all the high schoolkids or anybody, friends and
family and everybody that wanted, anybody that wanted to come
(00:47):
and go bowling for Brian, justso we could all get together and
commemorate him and talk abouthim.
So that's what we did the firstyear and I remember, kevin, you
saying it to me.
I said how can I make this aspecial day?
And you said to me it's not aspecial day, it's a horrible day
.
Do you remember that?
Speaker 2 (01:09):
Not exactly, but no, I agree, because at first it's
almost just getting through it.
But it is where sometimes thereis nothing special to do, it's
kind of just sharing.
It's a way to, it's a goodmilestone, to remember him on
and share stories.
It's like what we're doing now,just keeping the memory of
Brian alive.
Speaker 3 (01:29):
Thinking about the past, I also think like I every
year since Brian is died.
I've always taken that day off,the day he died, from work, and
this year I have one smallsurgery in the morning but I
have the rest of the day off.
But I think it's a good day.
It's just a reminder in yourlife of what life is right and
that we reflect on Brian,everything that's happened and
(01:49):
how our lives have changed.
And I think it's a day to slowdown and not be so busy and
maybe just right to just kind ofthink about life and just enjoy
.
Maybe a reminder to enjoyyourself a little bit instead of
always striving so hard everyday to do all these things.
Maybe it's a day more just torelax and enjoy life.
Speaker 2 (02:07):
No, I think that's a good way to put it.
I mean because Brian's aconstant reminder to all of us
and we all have different minors.
But for me that's the biggestthing in my life where just to
slow down and to remember howfragile life is, how precious
life is, because it's easy tojust kind of not pay attention
to that stuff and just thinkyou're gonna live forever,
(02:28):
everyone around you will liveforever, and kind of shelter
yourself.
But another thing too about itis I think you guys would relate
to this Brian's birthday is onDecember 28th, so from Brian's
birthday through February 2nd.
He technically died right onthe first, the night of the
first, right before the second,but we always commemorate it
(02:49):
more so on the second.
But that like month in like aweek, is always probably the
toughest time and it coincideswith its winter.
It's cold in Ohio, it's dark,and so it all coincides a little
bit and it's gotten easier.
But that's always more of adifficult time.
So you kind of you don't worryin that period, it's just a
period to kind of get through.
(03:09):
Remember Brian, slow down, likedad said, and you don't need
you don't always need to bemaking massive progress or
anything else like that.
Speaker 3 (03:19):
And I think a couple things would be.
I mean, as my wife Cindy alwayssays, you know, we always talk
about you know why Brian died,but maybe she should comment on
it.
You know why Brian lived, youknow what was the purpose of his
life and how can he encouragepeople in the future.
And I think we should alsotouch upon how the positive
things that Brian's death hascome, how it's changed our lives
(03:41):
and what we're doing right nowthis is all a result of Brian,
and anything positive that we'vedone in social media and
drinking and driving, that's allbecause of Brian's death.
So death doesn't always have tobring horrible outcomes.
It can bring a lot ofpositivity too, I think.
But you know how you always say, cindy, how you know.
Why do you want to comment?
Speaker 1 (04:01):
I one time I said maybe the question isn't why did
Brian die, but why did Brianlive?
And he lived to bring uspositivity and hope.
And he served not all the timebecause he was human, but he
served as an example of how totreat people with respect, how
(04:23):
to, you know, bring positive tothe negative and maybe try to
have a positive outlook, and howyour mindset is so important
and he was living that.
Speaker 3 (04:36):
And I think we could give examples.
Maybe we could all take turnsgiving examples.
The example that stands out tome that might be good for
everybody here, is the littlethings in life make a difference
, and Brian was a good exampleof that, and we're all good
examples, we just don't know it.
But you know, brian died and wefound out.
But you know, at the funeral itwas our funeral was for the
showings were for two days andthere was, you know, people
(04:57):
would wait literally two tothree hours to come and see
Brian and talk to Cindy and I inline, and they would wait
outside the funeral home in thecold.
And so there was a gentleman, anelderly gentleman, who was a
starter at the golf course whereBrian's golf team would go to
practice, and he waited foralmost three hours to see us, to
tell us one thing, and we'venever met this gentleman before.
(05:18):
And he said I just want you toknow that your son, whenever he
would come to practice, he wasone of the few or only person
that would ever come up to meand ask me how my day was going
and ask me about my life.
And he said most of the otherkids wouldn't even, you know,
give me the time of day or lookat me.
And he said that really made adifference in my life.
And so he said I wanted to comehere, not knowing you people,
(05:40):
to let you know what your sondid and what a difference in my
life he made.
And so that little gesture ofkindness that Brian did every
week towards him made adifference in his life.
The heat stood three hours tocome and meet people he didn't
even know to let us know that.
So that's one thing that sticksin my mind.
You guys have any other thingslike that?
Speaker 2 (05:58):
Yeah, no, that always .
That one's a very powerfulexample and I think, with Brian,
what we learned too it's notthe exact same of what you were
talking about, but you touchedon a little bit is there's
everyone around us.
We don't realize the impactwe're having on people and we
don't realize the internal worldthat everyone has.
We all lead our own lives andonly you truly know yourself of.
(06:21):
After someone dies, like whenBrian died, you got insight and
access to all these things thatyou never knew about him.
You got to hear about thesepeople and how they thought
about your son, peers, elders,other people, his journals, his
writings all of these thingswhere we never get to really see
that with people.
(06:42):
Like a complete picture of that.
So I think that's just a hugetakeaway from Brian too is
Everyone has super complex livesgoing on, and that's why it's
almost better sometimes to leadwith kindness.
Or if someone's coming at you,you have no idea what's going on
in another person's life andall the struggles they might be
(07:03):
going through.
So sometimes just taking apause and Reflecting on that for
a second, before you knowsomeone cuts you off in traffic.
I always try to think like thatperson might be speeding to get
to the hospital.
You never you never know.
So it's just kind of a change inperspective sometimes, and
that's something for sure withBrian that With different things
we learned just that concept ofall what people are going
(07:25):
through or what people arethinking.
It's not what you may think.
Speaker 1 (07:30):
Yeah, I think that, um, like you said, we had the
privilege of finding out many ofthe Random acts of kindness and
different things that Brianwould do, like I heard you know
that he was always smiling,which I didn't know that because
you know.
You see him come home and hewas.
He looked like to yell at thedog and get Her tail wagging and
(07:50):
come up and slap her belly andbut you find out that there were
a lot of little random acts ofkindness that he was doing
because he wasn't coming homeand telling you right, because
he didn't do it, because hewanted somebody to know how
Grady was doing little randomacts of kindness.
He did these little random actsof kindness for people because
he wanted to brighten their dayand, um, and I think if you see
(08:14):
somebody doing something orSomebody's kid that you know,
you know from school, or yourwho's friends with your children
, and if you have it, I have anopportunity to tell their
parents or or just spread thatword along.
It's really pretty cool To do it, not because they died or
because something tragichappened, but do it because
(08:35):
nothing happened, that some kiddid something kind of cool or
random or a person.
You can be adults too and passthat word along to their wife or
their kids or their father ormother.
Brother, it's, it's pretty cool, neighbor.
Speaker 2 (08:50):
I also tell.
I mean, tell people, when you,if you're, when you're thinking
about someone or you Enjoysomeone made you smile.
Just tell them.
I mean there's not, there's noreason not to.
I think it makes everyone feelbetter.
Speaker 1 (09:02):
I'll text people randomly and say, hey, I was
thinking about you and Iremember some good times that we
had, or I appreciate you.
I appreciate you a co-worker.
Speaker 3 (09:12):
And you and you may not think it matters, but
there's another incident I know,after Brian died, that I think
all the kids in this class theyhad them right down what they
remember most about Brian andit's amazing.
And these are all independentthings, I mean they were just
given to us so nobody knew whatthe other person was writing.
But wasn't there a common themein that?
Yeah there were so many commonallies that each person saw.
And Brian, his humor, hiskindness, how he always was
(09:34):
upbeat, how he'd always say goodmorning, and all those things
stuck, stuck in people's mindsand made a difference in their
lives, just like that gentlemanI told you about and so, um, he
would notice things.
Speaker 1 (09:44):
He would notice when other people were um, um like in
distress if they one um kid hadforgotten his calculator during
a math exam and he was gettingvery upset, according to his mom
, and Brian noticed and he saidhey, you know, I noticed.
You don't have any calculatorhere, use mine.
(10:07):
Um, if you can do things likethat for people, that really
makes a difference.
Or Maybe you see a co-workerstruggling or they seem really
angry, or maybe they're angrybecause they're upset, because
their mom's sick or theirchild's sick and they're worried
.
You know, hey, um, I'm going tograb lunch.
You want me to get yousomething?
Do you want a coffee?
Is there anything I can do tohelp you to make your day a
(10:27):
little better?
And you don't have to say itlike that do things where people
don't know Necessarily thatyou're doing something nice.
So then then later on or duringthe middle of it, they can
think, wow, I feel pretty good,that was really nice.
Speaker 2 (10:40):
Yeah well, I'm a common theme too.
I think is just there's alreadyenough negativity and sadness
and everything else in the world.
Add to the positive, add bekind, spread light, spread love
um.
Enjoy and laughter because it'sit's, it's really, it truly is.
It's just the small things,like holding the door open for
someone, that makes a difference.
And I think there's somethingwe've talked about is the, the
(11:03):
chain reaction of events.
You brighten one person's dayup, that may go Brighten another
person's day up, and so on andso forth.
You kind of start that positivestreak, which is a cool thing
to think about.
Speaker 3 (11:14):
One was that when I was at the hospital the day On
call on the weekend Um, this isoff of Brian, but I mean there's
, there's a lady who worked inthe operating room.
She's carrying these two reallyheavy carts down a long haul
and she was kind of looking atus and I just said you know, can
, can we help you?
And she goes yeah, be great ifyou would help me.
And she gave me the biggestgrin and so I pulled one of the
carts.
Why she pulled the other one.
And you know I probably pulledit for I don't know four to five
(11:37):
minutes and we went down anelevator to a whole nother area,
but she was going down to adifferent area in the operating
room.
But boy did she appreciate that.
And just the grin on her facethat somebody was willing to
help her, because it's so hardto pull these big carts with
each hand, you know.
And so just something as simpleas that, I mean, probably made
her day, you know.
Speaker 2 (11:53):
No, absolutely, and a lot of times, people, I mean
don't wait for someone to askyou, always try to take the the
first step, why not?
Speaker 1 (12:00):
and don't do it because you want somebody to
notice you or thank you.
Do it because it actually makesyou feel good to know that
you've done something insomebody else's life and you'll
find out it does.
Speaker 2 (12:11):
It makes you I mean it makes it always makes you
feel.
I guarantee if you do thesethings it makes you feel better
too.
And so all this comes frombrian and just kind of going
through life, I think, andhaving a different, losing
someone close to you but had itputs a different perspective on
life.
You look at life in a differentway.
So then you start seeing thingsdifferently.
I think was something withbrian, because it definitely
(12:35):
changes what you think isimportant in life.
Um, because I think so manypeople are are so they're so
worried about, um, advancingtheir career or making more
money or doing this or that andobviously there's a place for
all that, but some people, Ithink you hear the common
trapping some success.
(12:56):
Yeah of People say they'reworking hard to provide for
their family but they neverspend time with their family,
and you see, you see things likethat where it's contradictory.
So really, just Just pausingfor a second, like we said,
slowing down, thinking aboutwhat is important and making
sure what you're prioritizingwith your time and energy is
important.
Speaker 1 (13:16):
I just read something today about, um, matthew
McConaughey, um, and how he letgo of like his production
company or something, because hehad like eight Projects and
things that he was involved inand he decided he would
concentrate on his family, hisacting career and one other
thing.
And he said I'd rather get a'sand three subjects than b's and
(13:37):
five.
Yeah, I thought, wow, that's,that's a really insightful thing
, um, because there is that pushto do more, more, more, um, and
step back a little bit and anduh, yeah, so he talks a lot
about that.
Speaker 2 (13:52):
I mean, he goes into more depth in that in his book
green lights, which is a great.
Yeah, Matthew kind of hit his.
He released that in 2022.
It's his autobiography, oh okay.
That was a great book and, uh,he talks about that in terms of
you know, instead of just kindof you know, being par or
(14:13):
average in several areas, justreally excelling in a couple
areas that we really care about.
It's more important and you'llprobably do better anyways.
Instead of Shifting, you reallyhave so much focus and
attention to give to stuff.
So I think, yeah, it's.
Speaker 1 (14:27):
It's a great way of articulating it and I was going
to say about how our grief haschanged.
Like I think in the beginningyou're so restricting and so
shocked that really it's justtrying to get through it.
And it's sometimes hour by hour, minute by minute, because I
remember in the beginning we'dall just go to our rooms and it
(14:50):
would just be quiet.
It was so quiet.
Speaker 3 (14:52):
Well, so isolating, because you thought so, even
though everybody's in the house,we all were alone, like we were
all isolated from each otherand we didn't get together
usually and sit together.
I think we're processing ourown.
We all had to be in our ownspace and quiet.
Speaker 1 (15:05):
But we knew the other ones were there.
You know we felt them.
Speaker 2 (15:09):
And nighttime is definitely the worst.
It feels very, very alone.
You feel very alone, no matterhow big the world is.
You feel I don't know, there'san emptiness, you feel.
Speaker 1 (15:22):
And I think we're lucky because we had each other.
Speaker 2 (15:24):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (15:25):
What do you do if you don't have others?
Speaker 2 (15:28):
Hand in outlet, yeah, to talk to each other.
And still we're around tons ofpeople that knew of Brian,
because that kept Brian's memoryalive in a big way.
I think it's easy to try tolike not bring it up.
You don't want to face it, butthe more you talk about it, the
better you feel when you alsohang out every person's
recollection of Brian.
Speaker 3 (15:45):
You just hang on that because it's all you have left
right.
It's people's memories of him.
So every time somebody's sayinganything about Brian, we would
just incessantly listen, becausewe wanted to hear about him.
Yeah, and we would keep himalive.
Speaker 2 (15:58):
Well, the people for me, the friends I have.
There's a few friends that I'mstill very good friends with,
who were good friends I mean thetime, and they knew Brian
pretty well, those who always,when I hang out with them, it's
always a special place becausethey actually knew Brian.
We all hung out with him,whether it was playing
basketball or doing other things, and they grew up with us.
So there's there's a I don'tknow.
(16:20):
There's always a deeperconnection there for me, because
it just it makes Brian feelalive again and a different
presence.
It's kind of hard to explain.
Speaker 1 (16:30):
But I think also you know you wanted to get through
it and have it be good gettingthrough it.
But in the beginning I rememberthe whole week before I would
be disrupted and maybe it wouldsneak up on me that I didn't
realize why I felt so upset orangry or disoriented or whatnot.
And it used to be that it wasthe whole week before and the
(16:51):
whole week after.
I mean I remember, fromThanksgiving on through through
his death anniversary, alwaysbeing really hard because of all
the holidays his birthday,christmas, all the times that he
was a family are together andclose.
But it's gotten now.
So I feel like it's 11 years inand I feel like we can.
(17:13):
We can continue functioning andnot have to take huge chunks of
time to go sit alone in ourrooms to reflect, because I used
to spend time alone in his roomreflecting, and that's where I
had to be alone, and I don'tknow what I thought about, but I
would be have to be alone.
You needed that time to process,and I think that's one thing
(17:33):
that we did do pretty good is,we knew we needed to do it.
Speaker 3 (17:39):
Well, I think the funny thing is, I think people,
until you've been through it,like a lot of people kind of
indicate you like why don't youget over it?
It's been years now.
You know you need to move onwith your life and they don't.
They don't understand.
You can't just move on withyour life because your life is
different.
It's like it's like his room.
People want to, you know, theywonder why can you leave a room
with all the dead person'sclothes in it and everything?
(17:59):
Why don't you?
I mean that went on for a year.
We didn't change the room atall and we left Brian's backpack
just where he left it that dayHis backpack is in my bedroom
now.
But I mean, the last day he camehome we left all his shoes
under the bed and organized allhis clothes and we left that for
years because it's very hard tochange, to get rid of it.
And then slowly and I giveCindy the credit that means she
slowly started packing thingsaway, little by little clothes,
(18:23):
little by little.
But even when we moved out ofour house recently.
We still had some of hisclothes hanging in the closet,
but the room had been redone andKevin was using it as an office
.
So we, but you, have to do itvery slowly.
Speaker 1 (18:34):
When you're ready now anybody else is right.
Exactly Anybody tells you, andmaybe there were times when I
was ready and he wasn't.
Speaker 3 (18:40):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (18:41):
We currently we moved and I feel like that was
another step in our processingto let go of where we had all
the memories and where he waswhen, where we were when he died
.
But I know that in our basement, with all the other boxes,
there's probably eight to 10boxes of stuff of his and I had
(19:03):
told Brian that at some point weneed to consolidate and we need
to get rid of and let go ofthose things.
Speaker 3 (19:11):
But you know, for anybody out there listening, I
mean there's no, there's notimeline for grief and you don't
you have to ignore people whothink you should be over it or
move on, or things like that.
Speaker 1 (19:20):
I mean, you know it's one of the things You're never
over it.
Speaker 3 (19:21):
You're never over it and you have to be on your own
timeline, and when you're ready,you do it.
Speaker 1 (19:25):
And it can come back, and that may be a year or maybe
10 years, you know.
There was a lady in my mom'sassisted living.
She was probably 92.
And I don't know.
I went and talked to her onetime.
She lived across the hall, wewere talking and she told me she
had lost her son.
He was like 70 years old.
She had just lost him.
I mean, it never changes for aparent to lose a child or any
(19:49):
loved one, and she was cryingabout it.
I had a little special bondwith her because her and my mom
had both lost a child.
My mom had lost my brother whenhe was 49.
We had this little bond and Ialways kind of would make sure I
went over and said hi to herand everything Never changes.
Speaker 2 (20:11):
I think just something ingrained in us as
humans of you always want yourkid to out, you want the best
for your kid, you want toprovide everything in the world
for your kid and you want themto outlive you, I mean.
So I think it goes againsteverything that we are to have
to face that and see that youknow your offspring is dead.
So it and again, like we'vesaid, yeah, definitely
(20:34):
everything happens on your owntimeline and I think grief, like
we've talked about and touchedon, you can let bad things that
happen in your life destroy youand ruin you, or you can let
them help you reach new heightsand use it for positive.
Speaker 3 (20:53):
That's what I was going to say, definitely,
because that's what we've triedto do along, and I would
encourage anybody out therewho's going through a tragedy
with time to maybe try to turnthat into something positive,
because you can help so manypeople, even just with your
story, like putting your storyout there.
I think people are goingthrough this who feel
intimidated, will never talkabout it, or just need to hear
from somebody else that they'vebeen through it, that they agree
(21:15):
with them.
Speaker 2 (21:16):
I think we're all very positive thing.
I think we're all very specialwomen and we all have something
to offer this world.
I think your story, whether youknow it or not, always has
power by telling your truth,telling your story.
Speaker 1 (21:28):
There's always someone that's going to gain
something from it.
Speaker 2 (21:31):
You connect with so many people, whether it's just
in a coffee shop or whetheryou're putting it out on social
media or you're just talking toa friend, you never know what
they're going through, likewe've talked about earlier,
internally.
Maybe that's the perfect timethey need to hear something or
anything else.
I think there's power to all ofthat.
The other thing I was going tosay to touch back on your point,
that is, I think there's anenergy.
(21:51):
When someone dies or a tragedyhappens or a positive that
happens, there's all this energyand you need to channel it.
It needs to be used somehow,because the energy like we're
talking about, the energy can beused and it can self-destruct
you or, if you channel it andpush in something positive,
that's how you can turn tragedyinto hope and other things.
But you can't just let it sitthere.
Speaker 1 (22:13):
You have to face it in some way, but you can if you
need to for a little while.
Sometimes things have to sit sothat you can, so don't feel bad
about that.
At the end of the day, you wantto be moving forward.
Speaker 2 (22:26):
I would still say, even letting yourself sit with
the emotion, you're stillletting yourself.
To me, that's letting yourselffeel the emotion.
I think what's worse is to tryto suppress the emotion and not
ever say with Brian, never talkabout him, act like it never
happened.
I think that's the unhealthything to do.
I think, facing your emotions,feeling your emotions deeply,
(22:47):
which in the first multiple likefive years, that's still to me.
That is facing your grief andit's hard to know.
Speaker 3 (22:54):
Like I recently would talk to someone who the wife I
was talking to and she had toldme that after the death of their
son, the husband just kind ofcouldn't deal with it and lost
his job and started doingdrinking a lot and stuff.
Their life has just gone waydown for the worse.
(23:15):
Why does that happen with oneperson?
The next person will dosomething different.
I don't know.
I mean, we're all different.
Why did we do what we did andthe other person goes the other
way.
I don't know.
Speaker 2 (23:26):
So my thoughts there's definitely luck plays a
role, and then how strong yoursystem is.
We had each other, we have acommunity around us, families,
Brian's other friend, allBrian's friends, so I think a
very strong support system helpsa lot.
And there's so many things thatare out of your control that
(23:47):
you can't.
I think with mental health andother things, we've very much
realized nowadays that you can'tcontrol anything.
You can't just will your wayout of certain things.
Speaker 3 (23:56):
I think trying to stay around people and don't
isolate, the worst thing you cando is isolate yourself, even
though that's what you want todo.
That's your natural instinct.
To isolate yourself, I think isreally bad.
Speaker 1 (24:05):
And what you have to realize is that I remember how
many times we would.
I would try to go out and I'dget dressed up and maybe I'd
procrastinate, and then I wouldbe too late and I couldn't go,
because it did that on purpose.
Or maybe I got all dressed upand I was standing outside the
door of something I was going togo do and I had to turn around
and go home.
(24:25):
I remember one of the firsthomecomings we went to
somebody's house after watchingthe parade and we socialized and
we hung out with our friendsand it just hit me like a ton of
bricks and I had to go and Ihad to go now.
Speaker 3 (24:40):
Yeah, it hits you all of a sudden, it's weird, and
then you just got to go, like Ididn't work and I just got to go
.
Speaker 1 (24:44):
And we would.
We'd need to come home andreconnect.
But Brian and I were togetherand we get outside the door,
into the car and rarely do I soband I just start sobbing.
It's just, and you know, aftera fashion your friends quit,
asking you how you're doing andyou want them to quit.
I've said this before.
You want them not to alwayslook at you like, oh, poor Cindy
(25:07):
, poor Hufflingers, you don'twant that anymore.
You want them to move on.
You want to move on.
But then it's also sad andisolating because you have this
kind of like dissociation,because everybody's happy and
you're still sitting theremoping and mourning and wishing
that your loved one was thereand wishing your life was the
same.
Like I don't play tennisanymore, part of it's my
(25:31):
physical body.
I have some orthopedic issues,but mostly it's because it just
reminded me constantly of thehappy times and the life I had
before and I would cry behind mysunglasses and I finally quit
and they started playing golf.
Speaker 2 (25:49):
Not very good, but part of it is just remembering
certain times past, just likelooking back at childhood or
high school or college.
Sometimes there is just thatgolden era paradigm of it.
Just everything felt betterthan especially like, because
obviously I think we allprobably think about life before
and after Brian.
That's a huge moment because Imean I've lived 15 years before
(26:13):
Brian died and I've lived 11since and obviously the last 11
I remember better than the first15.
So it is very weird because insome ways it feels like Brian a
whole another life where Brianwas alive, but then in other
ways it feels like it was justyesterday, because around this
time, all of that time, like theweek before and then that first
(26:36):
month after, obviously it was awhirlwind of all this stuff
going on.
So all that just kind of comesto the surface and it comes back
strong, but just used to getmore used to it.
Speaker 1 (26:51):
I know in the beginning and for years I would
embrace the feelings and letmyself go into them, but I'm
more likely now to.
I've processed it, I've gonethrough it.
Unless there's something new, Ihonestly don't want to keep
reliving it and going back,because it just hurts too much.
Speaker 2 (27:10):
My blood always hurts .
Speaker 1 (27:12):
So I just try to.
I'll think about it.
Sometimes things will hit youout of nowhere.
There's a lot of goofy thingsthat he would do, or do you
remember he liked that one gum.
Speaker 2 (27:22):
What's it come?
Speaker 1 (27:23):
it was green and it was experiment or wintergreen or
sugar-free, and I just, I seethat gommer, I see those those
on cool ranch sunflower.
Speaker 2 (27:34):
Oh yeah.
Speaker 1 (27:35):
And it'll just freakin hit me.
Speaker 2 (27:37):
I remember it was old house, like I Just remember
there be that from one time.
So I was asking me, like what'sthis mark on your door?
The one time my brother and gothome from school and then he
you know he slapped happy makesa lot of noise when you come
home from school and then hejust he tried to open my door.
It was closed and he like hidinto it and he like messed it up
a bit.
And I remember asking me becausehe tried to open it when it
(28:01):
wasn't, when it was locked, andit was funny you just be kind of
slap happy sometimes and hewanted to spread that energy to
other people.
Speaker 1 (28:07):
He had a lot of energy.
Speaker 2 (28:09):
He loved I mean some other things.
I mean that we can all rememberwhen the article is live and
just any the dogs and justpeople like or himself.
He loved clapping.
He loved making a clappingnoise of coughing, cuss, being
his hand and finding a crevice.
Like I'm making it really loud,making it really so that I
think a lot of people and justhis claps or everyone knew him
(28:29):
like it's the clap, as someonewho clap really loud in
different ways, because Iremember the one shirt fraud
with hills I was made for almostlike keep clapping yeah so
exactly.
Obviously, it's just thosethings like that where you.
I bet he never even wouldrealize that everyone remember
him for his clapping.
Speaker 3 (28:45):
I don't think he was funny because he loved the clap.
Then remember, at the funeralthere's like I mean at the yeah,
I asked in, the church isprobably twelve hundred thirteen
our people there and the priestsaid you know, brian, I always
clap for everybody else and lovethe clap, but do we ever clap
for him?
And all everybody in thatchurch start clapping.
Speaker 1 (29:00):
It was he said why don't we, why don't we clap for
Brian that?
Speaker 3 (29:03):
was something and you could just feel it.
Speaker 1 (29:05):
It was incredible, and that dog though he would, he
had a nickname for and he'dscream that name.
Rikroup, he'd call her Ricky.
Speaker 2 (29:14):
He was good at coming up with nicknames, he nicknamed
.
Speaker 1 (29:16):
You'd have several and he'd come in and go Ricky,
he'd just scream and he'd startclapping and he'd run, walk the
dog who weighed Probably 120pounds, and he'd slap her out,
or she'd she'd roll over and puther belly up and he'd he'd tap
around the belly and it would beloud because he knew he could
tell she also not a cut to.
Speaker 2 (29:38):
Really was not a cut, but she loved.
She loves belly rubs in thatshe loved that too.
Speaker 1 (29:42):
She was allowed and she.
She would smack her tail Reallyloud down the ground when she
because she was so enthusedwhenever- she sat up at the top
of the stairs for a month afterhe died, and then, when he
didn't come up, she finallystopped going upstairs.
Speaker 2 (30:00):
Well, I think I think our animals definitely,
especially pads dogs, there's aspecial bond in cat.
I think they definitely knowsomething different at times.
My, so it's probably.
I can't imagine what it is forthem that they just one day
someone's not there.
Speaker 3 (30:14):
It would other three then how long do they remember
as a thing?
Speaker 1 (30:18):
Yeah, I don't know, but the other two that we had at
the time Would come in with meto Brian's room and it's almost
like they knew I was grieving.
Well they, I had to have sensedthe green.
I think dogs can sense ouremotions for like they sense
when you're sad, and just likethey can sense a lot of time
they can sense natural disastersor come up that they.
Speaker 2 (30:36):
I can't remember what it is, but they have some.
Speaker 3 (30:38):
I mean, as they know, when you're sick and not
feeling good, they always hangwith you, you know, and they can
tell, yeah.
But I mean, so that's kind ofwhat we do On our anniversary
now, as we just kind of take theday to reflect a little bit, I
think yeah, I think it's justgood always to keep You're still
alive at that person.
Speaker 2 (30:59):
People remember how you made them feel and I think
there is no reason that you haveto, not Just because someone's
gone.
You move, like we've said, youcan move on with life, but also
still honor them and think ofhow they've impacted you, and
it's just a way to to shareBrian's life and continue.
And you know, and we talk aboutit a lot.
Speaker 3 (31:20):
People probably think well, they just talk about
death and Brian a lot.
But you know it's a part of ourlife.
And Brian was a huge part of ourlife.
You know he's our son and soFor anybody out there who's
going to, so I don't feel bad.
I mean it don't ever not talkabout your, your loved one,
because you feel bad about it.
I mean it's a part of your lifeand you should be able to talk
(31:41):
about it.
You don't want to talk about it, sesame, but I mean and if you
have a friend that doesn't wantto hear they're not.
You're right, yeah, 100%.
Speaker 2 (31:47):
So I'm not your friend, so don't you know, I
should always talk about well,just because the premise life's
not all happiness, you canexperience Insane joy and pure
happiness because you've beenthrough deep sadness.
So I mean, life isn't justconstant, it's up and downs and
I think you should be able toshare both and there's I mean
(32:10):
there's balance.
But you have to do what's trueto yourself.
You have to be authentic toyourself, where you're always
gonna feel you Not gonna feelthe best because you're being
inauthentic.
Speaker 1 (32:19):
I think having had the grief allows you to be a
little more Able, to beintuitive to other people, maybe
, and their pain, and maybelisten a little bit better to
others or, like you said, helpthat lady.
You know that's be so stuck inour own heads, in our own world,
and and be Considerate ofothers.
(32:42):
It's helpful, I mean.
I mean we all.
Speaker 2 (32:44):
I'm definitely go to that, but we all are at times of
just getting into.
It's so easy to get intoautopilot on life and just Do
your daily routine and otherthings, but sometimes just to
pause and really like be awarein the moment what's going on
around you, how yourinteractions.
One thing I I read the otherday I was listening to a podcast
of you might not realize howbig of an impact it is.
(33:07):
Say you come home from workevery single day and you're
super stressed and you just yourkids come up to you or someone
else comes up to you and youkind of chew them off or you're
you snap at them because youYou're so stressed from work.
That's that makes that such alasting, huge impact on another
person.
Where, trying to the oppositeeven if you had a bad day at
(33:28):
work or you're very stressed out, just trying to be positive, it
has a huge impact on people.
So trying to sometimes not letyourself get in that autopilot
moment and kind of live in eachmoment so you can be present and
have the impact you want tohave on other people, yeah, so I
(33:48):
think I mean that's.
That's remembering Brian, and,like my dad said, we do talk
about it a lot, but he is amassive family.
Yeah, he's a massive part of ourlife and he has led to.
A lot of the stuff we've doneis a direct refraction of of
Brian dying and it's lying toand I think my dad's talked
about this before of lying to dothe things he can no longer do.
(34:10):
We all know Brian would havedone, been a very positive force
in the world and done a lot ofthings in his life.
So it's just us kind of payingthat forward for him of carrying
out the mission that he was cutshort on and for anyone out
there who is going through griefor other bad events.
Speaker 1 (34:36):
Just, you know, obviously the people around you
use your support system andDon't be afraid to take support
from something, a source thatyou wouldn't typically think of.
Take your resources fromanywhere you can get them.
Yeah, and also you know I meanwe've been through it.
Speaker 3 (34:55):
So I mean the early days and months, you know, can
be horrible, you know, andthat's the hardest time to get
through, but you know there is.
I mean people should tell usthis.
We didn't believe it.
I mean there is a light at theend of the tunnel to someone.
I mean, as time goes on, thingsdo get better.
The pain lessons you don'tforget, but at least you can
function, you're not hurting asbad every day, and then
(35:15):
eventually you start to havehappiness again a little bit.
I mean it comes slowly, but wehave happy times now and we
never thought we would.
So hang in there.
I mean it's going to happen, itjust takes time.
But don't, don't, don't dosomething that you regret
because you got to get throughthat period where you're where
you're really in.
Speaker 1 (35:32):
I know my mom.
Speaker 2 (35:33):
Mom says a lot, but finding the new normal sometimes
I mean it does it can take along time, but you will.
You will find a new way ofliving.
Speaker 1 (35:42):
You can, you have to, you have to.
Speaker 2 (35:44):
But I think the biggest thing I think about, too
, is the person you lost.
They would want you to be happy, they would want you to keep
living I know Brian would, forall of us.
So it's.
It's easy to say that at timesit's hard to follow, but I
always try to think about thatof you keep living, to honor
(36:04):
them in that way.
Speaker 1 (36:06):
So the most important message is hold your loved ones
close, maybe a little closertoday.
Just remember that how specialthey are to you, and maybe even
let them know.
Speaker 3 (36:18):
And you know I mean stay strong, I mean things will
get better and just take yourtime at your own pace and you'll
get through this.
But stay close to friends andfamily and, and you know again,
have a support system, becauseit gets the most important thing
.
Don't isolate yourself.
Today is the 11th anniversary of our son, brian's
death, and we thought we wouldtalk about how we've dealt with
that anniversary date over theyears and how that's evolved and
changed.
I think that whether you likeit or not, it's a special date
(00:22):
that you cannot ignore, youcannot forget and you can't make
it better.
You can't make it a special day.
In the beginning, I used to tryto have something special that
we did like right after he diddie, we had a special date where
we invited all the high schoolkids or anybody, friends and
family and everybody that wanted, anybody that wanted to come
(00:47):
and go bowling for Brian, justso we could all get together and
commemorate him and talk abouthim.
So that's what we did the firstyear and I remember, kevin, you
saying it to me.
I said how can I make this aspecial day?
And you said to me it's not aspecial day, it's a horrible day
.
Do you remember that?
Speaker 2 (01:09):
Not exactly, but no, I agree, because at first it's
almost just getting through it.
But it is where sometimes thereis nothing special to do, it's
kind of just sharing.
It's a way to, it's a goodmilestone, to remember him on
and share stories.
It's like what we're doing now,just keeping the memory of
Brian alive.
Speaker 3 (01:29):
Thinking about the past, I also think like I every
year since Brian is died.
I've always taken that day off,the day he died, from work, and
this year I have one smallsurgery in the morning but I
have the rest of the day off.
But I think it's a good day.
It's just a reminder in yourlife of what life is right and
that we reflect on Brian,everything that's happened and
(01:49):
how our lives have changed.
And I think it's a day to slowdown and not be so busy and
maybe just right to just kind ofthink about life and just enjoy
.
Maybe a reminder to enjoyyourself a little bit instead of
always striving so hard everyday to do all these things.
Maybe it's a day more just torelax and enjoy life.
Speaker 2 (02:07):
No, I think that's a good way to put it.
I mean because Brian's aconstant reminder to all of us
and we all have different minors.
But for me that's the biggestthing in my life where just to
slow down and to remember howfragile life is, how precious
life is, because it's easy tojust kind of not pay attention
to that stuff and just thinkyou're gonna live forever,
(02:28):
everyone around you will liveforever, and kind of shelter
yourself.
But another thing too about itis I think you guys would relate
to this Brian's birthday is onDecember 28th, so from Brian's
birthday through February 2nd.
He technically died right onthe first, the night of the
first, right before the second,but we always commemorate it
(02:49):
more so on the second.
But that like month in like aweek, is always probably the
toughest time and it coincideswith its winter.
It's cold in Ohio, it's dark,and so it all coincides a little
bit and it's gotten easier.
But that's always more of adifficult time.
So you kind of you don't worryin that period, it's just a
period to kind of get through.
(03:09):
Remember Brian, slow down, likedad said, and you don't need
you don't always need to bemaking massive progress or
anything else like that.
Speaker 3 (03:19):
And I think a couple things would be.
I mean, as my wife Cindy alwayssays, you know, we always talk
about you know why Brian died,but maybe she should comment on
it.
You know why Brian lived, youknow what was the purpose of his
life and how can he encouragepeople in the future.
And I think we should alsotouch upon how the positive
things that Brian's death hascome, how it's changed our lives
(03:41):
and what we're doing right nowthis is all a result of Brian,
and anything positive that we'vedone in social media and
drinking and driving, that's allbecause of Brian's death.
So death doesn't always have tobring horrible outcomes.
It can bring a lot ofpositivity too, I think.
But you know how you always say, cindy, how you know.
Why do you want to comment?
Speaker 1 (04:01):
I one time I said maybe the question isn't why did
Brian die, but why did Brianlive?
And he lived to bring uspositivity and hope.
And he served not all the timebecause he was human, but he
served as an example of how totreat people with respect, how
(04:23):
to, you know, bring positive tothe negative and maybe try to
have a positive outlook, and howyour mindset is so important
and he was living that.
Speaker 3 (04:36):
And I think we could give examples.
Maybe we could all take turnsgiving examples.
The example that stands out tome that might be good for
everybody here, is the littlethings in life make a difference
, and Brian was a good exampleof that, and we're all good
examples, we just don't know it.
But you know, brian died and wefound out.
But you know, at the funeral itwas our funeral was for the
showings were for two days andthere was, you know, people
(04:57):
would wait literally two tothree hours to come and see
Brian and talk to Cindy and I inline, and they would wait
outside the funeral home in thecold.
And so there was a gentleman, anelderly gentleman, who was a
starter at the golf course whereBrian's golf team would go to
practice, and he waited foralmost three hours to see us, to
tell us one thing, and we'venever met this gentleman before.
(05:18):
And he said I just want you toknow that your son, whenever he
would come to practice, he wasone of the few or only person
that would ever come up to meand ask me how my day was going
and ask me about my life.
And he said most of the otherkids wouldn't even, you know,
give me the time of day or lookat me.
And he said that really made adifference in my life.
And so he said I wanted to comehere, not knowing you people,
(05:40):
to let you know what your sondid and what a difference in my
life he made.
And so that little gesture ofkindness that Brian did every
week towards him made adifference in his life.
The heat stood three hours tocome and meet people he didn't
even know to let us know that.
So that's one thing that sticksin my mind.
You guys have any other thingslike that?
Speaker 2 (05:58):
Yeah, no, that always .
That one's a very powerfulexample and I think, with Brian,
what we learned too it's notthe exact same of what you were
talking about, but you touchedon a little bit is there's
everyone around us.
We don't realize the impactwe're having on people and we
don't realize the internal worldthat everyone has.
We all lead our own lives andonly you truly know yourself of.
(06:21):
After someone dies, like whenBrian died, you got insight and
access to all these things thatyou never knew about him.
You got to hear about thesepeople and how they thought
about your son, peers, elders,other people, his journals, his
writings all of these thingswhere we never get to really see
that with people.
(06:42):
Like a complete picture of that.
So I think that's just a hugetakeaway from Brian too is
Everyone has super complex livesgoing on, and that's why it's
almost better sometimes to leadwith kindness.
Or if someone's coming at you,you have no idea what's going on
in another person's life andall the struggles they might be
(07:03):
going through.
So sometimes just taking apause and Reflecting on that for
a second, before you knowsomeone cuts you off in traffic.
I always try to think like thatperson might be speeding to get
to the hospital.
You never you never know.
So it's just kind of a change inperspective sometimes, and
that's something for sure withBrian that With different things
we learned just that concept ofall what people are going
(07:25):
through or what people arethinking.
It's not what you may think.
Speaker 1 (07:30):
Yeah, I think that, um, like you said, we had the
privilege of finding out many ofthe Random acts of kindness and
different things that Brianwould do, like I heard you know
that he was always smiling,which I didn't know that because
you know.
You see him come home and hewas.
He looked like to yell at thedog and get Her tail wagging and
(07:50):
come up and slap her belly andbut you find out that there were
a lot of little random acts ofkindness that he was doing
because he wasn't coming homeand telling you right, because
he didn't do it, because hewanted somebody to know how
Grady was doing little randomacts of kindness.
He did these little random actsof kindness for people because
he wanted to brighten their dayand, um, and I think if you see
(08:14):
somebody doing something orSomebody's kid that you know,
you know from school, or yourwho's friends with your children
, and if you have it, I have anopportunity to tell their
parents or or just spread thatword along.
It's really pretty cool To do it, not because they died or
because something tragichappened, but do it because
(08:35):
nothing happened, that some kiddid something kind of cool or
random or a person.
You can be adults too and passthat word along to their wife or
their kids or their father ormother.
Brother, it's, it's pretty cool, neighbor.
Speaker 2 (08:50):
I also tell.
I mean, tell people, when you,if you're, when you're thinking
about someone or you Enjoysomeone made you smile.
Just tell them.
I mean there's not, there's noreason not to.
I think it makes everyone feelbetter.
Speaker 1 (09:02):
I'll text people randomly and say, hey, I was
thinking about you and Iremember some good times that we
had, or I appreciate you.
I appreciate you a co-worker.
Speaker 3 (09:12):
And you and you may not think it matters, but
there's another incident I know,after Brian died, that I think
all the kids in this class theyhad them right down what they
remember most about Brian andit's amazing.
And these are all independentthings, I mean they were just
given to us so nobody knew whatthe other person was writing.
But wasn't there a common themein that?
Yeah there were so many commonallies that each person saw.
And Brian, his humor, hiskindness, how he always was
(09:34):
upbeat, how he'd always say goodmorning, and all those things
stuck, stuck in people's mindsand made a difference in their
lives, just like that gentlemanI told you about and so, um, he
would notice things.
Speaker 1 (09:44):
He would notice when other people were um, um like in
distress if they one um kid hadforgotten his calculator during
a math exam and he was gettingvery upset, according to his mom
, and Brian noticed and he saidhey, you know, I noticed.
You don't have any calculatorhere, use mine.
(10:07):
Um, if you can do things likethat for people, that really
makes a difference.
Or Maybe you see a co-workerstruggling or they seem really
angry, or maybe they're angrybecause they're upset, because
their mom's sick or theirchild's sick and they're worried
.
You know, hey, um, I'm going tograb lunch.
You want me to get yousomething?
Do you want a coffee?
Is there anything I can do tohelp you to make your day a
(10:27):
little better?
And you don't have to say itlike that do things where people
don't know Necessarily thatyou're doing something nice.
So then then later on or duringthe middle of it, they can
think, wow, I feel pretty good,that was really nice.
Speaker 2 (10:40):
Yeah well, I'm a common theme too.
I think is just there's alreadyenough negativity and sadness
and everything else in the world.
Add to the positive, add bekind, spread light, spread love
um.
Enjoy and laughter because it'sit's, it's really, it truly is.
It's just the small things,like holding the door open for
someone, that makes a difference.
And I think there's somethingwe've talked about is the, the
(11:03):
chain reaction of events.
You brighten one person's dayup, that may go Brighten another
person's day up, and so on andso forth.
You kind of start that positivestreak, which is a cool thing
to think about.
Speaker 3 (11:14):
One was that when I was at the hospital the day On
call on the weekend Um, this isoff of Brian, but I mean there's
, there's a lady who worked inthe operating room.
She's carrying these two reallyheavy carts down a long haul
and she was kind of looking atus and I just said you know, can
, can we help you?
And she goes yeah, be great ifyou would help me.
And she gave me the biggestgrin and so I pulled one of the
carts.
Why she pulled the other one.
And you know I probably pulledit for I don't know four to five
(11:37):
minutes and we went down anelevator to a whole nother area,
but she was going down to adifferent area in the operating
room.
But boy did she appreciate that.
And just the grin on her facethat somebody was willing to
help her, because it's so hardto pull these big carts with
each hand, you know.
And so just something as simpleas that, I mean, probably made
her day, you know.
Speaker 2 (11:53):
No, absolutely, and a lot of times, people, I mean
don't wait for someone to askyou, always try to take the the
first step, why not?
Speaker 1 (12:00):
and don't do it because you want somebody to
notice you or thank you.
Do it because it actually makesyou feel good to know that
you've done something insomebody else's life and you'll
find out it does.
Speaker 2 (12:11):
It makes you I mean it makes it always makes you
feel.
I guarantee if you do thesethings it makes you feel better
too.
And so all this comes frombrian and just kind of going
through life, I think, andhaving a different, losing
someone close to you but had itputs a different perspective on
life.
You look at life in a differentway.
So then you start seeing thingsdifferently.
I think was something withbrian, because it definitely
(12:35):
changes what you think isimportant in life.
Um, because I think so manypeople are are so they're so
worried about, um, advancingtheir career or making more
money or doing this or that andobviously there's a place for
all that, but some people, Ithink you hear the common
trapping some success.
(12:56):
Yeah of People say they'reworking hard to provide for
their family but they neverspend time with their family,
and you see, you see things likethat where it's contradictory.
So really, just Just pausingfor a second, like we said,
slowing down, thinking aboutwhat is important and making
sure what you're prioritizingwith your time and energy is
important.
Speaker 1 (13:16):
I just read something today about, um, matthew
McConaughey, um, and how he letgo of like his production
company or something, because hehad like eight Projects and
things that he was involved inand he decided he would
concentrate on his family, hisacting career and one other
thing.
And he said I'd rather get a'sand three subjects than b's and
(13:37):
five.
Yeah, I thought, wow, that's,that's a really insightful thing
, um, because there is that pushto do more, more, more, um, and
step back a little bit and anduh, yeah, so he talks a lot
about that.
Speaker 2 (13:52):
I mean, he goes into more depth in that in his book
green lights, which is a great.
Yeah, Matthew kind of hit his.
He released that in 2022.
It's his autobiography, oh okay.
That was a great book and, uh,he talks about that in terms of
you know, instead of just kindof you know, being par or
(14:13):
average in several areas, justreally excelling in a couple
areas that we really care about.
It's more important and you'llprobably do better anyways.
Instead of Shifting, you reallyhave so much focus and
attention to give to stuff.
So I think, yeah, it's.
Speaker 1 (14:27):
It's a great way of articulating it and I was going
to say about how our grief haschanged.
Like I think in the beginningyou're so restricting and so
shocked that really it's justtrying to get through it.
And it's sometimes hour by hour, minute by minute, because I
remember in the beginning we'dall just go to our rooms and it
(14:50):
would just be quiet.
It was so quiet.
Speaker 3 (14:52):
Well, so isolating, because you thought so, even
though everybody's in the house,we all were alone, like we were
all isolated from each otherand we didn't get together
usually and sit together.
I think we're processing ourown.
We all had to be in our ownspace and quiet.
Speaker 1 (15:05):
But we knew the other ones were there.
You know we felt them.
Speaker 2 (15:09):
And nighttime is definitely the worst.
It feels very, very alone.
You feel very alone, no matterhow big the world is.
You feel I don't know, there'san emptiness, you feel.
Speaker 1 (15:22):
And I think we're lucky because we had each other.
Speaker 2 (15:24):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (15:25):
What do you do if you don't have others?
Speaker 2 (15:28):
Hand in outlet, yeah, to talk to each other.
And still we're around tons ofpeople that knew of Brian,
because that kept Brian's memoryalive in a big way.
I think it's easy to try tolike not bring it up.
You don't want to face it, butthe more you talk about it, the
better you feel when you alsohang out every person's
recollection of Brian.
Speaker 3 (15:45):
You just hang on that because it's all you have left
right.
It's people's memories of him.
So every time somebody's sayinganything about Brian, we would
just incessantly listen, becausewe wanted to hear about him.
Yeah, and we would keep himalive.
Speaker 2 (15:58):
Well, the people for me, the friends I have.
There's a few friends that I'mstill very good friends with,
who were good friends I mean thetime, and they knew Brian
pretty well, those who always,when I hang out with them, it's
always a special place becausethey actually knew Brian.
We all hung out with him,whether it was playing
basketball or doing other things, and they grew up with us.
So there's there's a I don'tknow.
(16:20):
There's always a deeperconnection there for me, because
it just it makes Brian feelalive again and a different
presence.
It's kind of hard to explain.
Speaker 1 (16:30):
But I think also you know you wanted to get through
it and have it be good gettingthrough it.
But in the beginning I rememberthe whole week before I would
be disrupted and maybe it wouldsneak up on me that I didn't
realize why I felt so upset orangry or disoriented or whatnot.
And it used to be that it wasthe whole week before and the
(16:51):
whole week after.
I mean I remember, fromThanksgiving on through through
his death anniversary, alwaysbeing really hard because of all
the holidays his birthday,christmas, all the times that he
was a family are together andclose.
But it's gotten now.
So I feel like it's 11 years inand I feel like we can.
(17:13):
We can continue functioning andnot have to take huge chunks of
time to go sit alone in ourrooms to reflect, because I used
to spend time alone in his roomreflecting, and that's where I
had to be alone, and I don'tknow what I thought about, but I
would be have to be alone.
You needed that time to process,and I think that's one thing
(17:33):
that we did do pretty good is,we knew we needed to do it.
Speaker 3 (17:39):
Well, I think the funny thing is, I think people,
until you've been through it,like a lot of people kind of
indicate you like why don't youget over it?
It's been years now.
You know you need to move onwith your life and they don't.
They don't understand.
You can't just move on withyour life because your life is
different.
It's like it's like his room.
People want to, you know, theywonder why can you leave a room
with all the dead person'sclothes in it and everything?
(17:59):
Why don't you?
I mean that went on for a year.
We didn't change the room atall and we left Brian's backpack
just where he left it that dayHis backpack is in my bedroom
now.
But I mean, the last day he camehome we left all his shoes
under the bed and organized allhis clothes and we left that for
years because it's very hard tochange, to get rid of it.
And then slowly and I giveCindy the credit that means she
slowly started packing thingsaway, little by little clothes,
(18:23):
little by little.
But even when we moved out ofour house recently.
We still had some of hisclothes hanging in the closet,
but the room had been redone andKevin was using it as an office
.
So we, but you, have to do itvery slowly.
Speaker 1 (18:34):
When you're ready now anybody else is right.
Exactly Anybody tells you, andmaybe there were times when I
was ready and he wasn't.
Speaker 3 (18:40):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (18:41):
We currently we moved and I feel like that was
another step in our processingto let go of where we had all
the memories and where he waswhen, where we were when he died
.
But I know that in our basement, with all the other boxes,
there's probably eight to 10boxes of stuff of his and I had
(19:03):
told Brian that at some point weneed to consolidate and we need
to get rid of and let go ofthose things.
Speaker 3 (19:11):
But you know, for anybody out there listening, I
mean there's no, there's notimeline for grief and you don't
you have to ignore people whothink you should be over it or
move on, or things like that.
Speaker 1 (19:20):
I mean, you know it's one of the things You're never
over it.
Speaker 3 (19:21):
You're never over it and you have to be on your own
timeline, and when you're ready,you do it.
Speaker 1 (19:25):
And it can come back, and that may be a year or maybe
10 years, you know.
There was a lady in my mom'sassisted living.
She was probably 92.
And I don't know.
I went and talked to her onetime.
She lived across the hall, wewere talking and she told me she
had lost her son.
He was like 70 years old.
She had just lost him.
I mean, it never changes for aparent to lose a child or any
(19:49):
loved one, and she was cryingabout it.
I had a little special bondwith her because her and my mom
had both lost a child.
My mom had lost my brother whenhe was 49.
We had this little bond and Ialways kind of would make sure I
went over and said hi to herand everything Never changes.
Speaker 2 (20:11):
I think just something ingrained in us as
humans of you always want yourkid to out, you want the best
for your kid, you want toprovide everything in the world
for your kid and you want themto outlive you, I mean.
So I think it goes againsteverything that we are to have
to face that and see that youknow your offspring is dead.
So it and again, like we'vesaid, yeah, definitely
(20:34):
everything happens on your owntimeline and I think grief, like
we've talked about and touchedon, you can let bad things that
happen in your life destroy youand ruin you, or you can let
them help you reach new heightsand use it for positive.
Speaker 3 (20:53):
That's what I was going to say, definitely,
because that's what we've triedto do along, and I would
encourage anybody out therewho's going through a tragedy
with time to maybe try to turnthat into something positive,
because you can help so manypeople, even just with your
story, like putting your storyout there.
I think people are goingthrough this who feel
intimidated, will never talkabout it, or just need to hear
from somebody else that they'vebeen through it, that they agree
(21:15):
with them.
Speaker 2 (21:16):
I think we're all very positive thing.
I think we're all very specialwomen and we all have something
to offer this world.
I think your story, whether youknow it or not, always has
power by telling your truth,telling your story.
Speaker 1 (21:28):
There's always someone that's going to gain
something from it.
Speaker 2 (21:31):
You connect with so many people, whether it's just
in a coffee shop or whetheryou're putting it out on social
media or you're just talking toa friend, you never know what
they're going through, likewe've talked about earlier,
internally.
Maybe that's the perfect timethey need to hear something or
anything else.
I think there's power to all ofthat.
The other thing I was going tosay to touch back on your point,
that is, I think there's anenergy.
(21:51):
When someone dies or a tragedyhappens or a positive that
happens, there's all this energyand you need to channel it.
It needs to be used somehow,because the energy like we're
talking about, the energy can beused and it can self-destruct
you or, if you channel it andpush in something positive,
that's how you can turn tragedyinto hope and other things.
But you can't just let it sitthere.
Speaker 1 (22:13):
You have to face it in some way, but you can if you
need to for a little while.
Sometimes things have to sit sothat you can, so don't feel bad
about that.
At the end of the day, you wantto be moving forward.
Speaker 2 (22:26):
I would still say, even letting yourself sit with
the emotion, you're stillletting yourself.
To me, that's letting yourselffeel the emotion.
I think what's worse is to tryto suppress the emotion and not
ever say with Brian, never talkabout him, act like it never
happened.
I think that's the unhealthything to do.
I think, facing your emotions,feeling your emotions deeply,
(22:47):
which in the first multiple likefive years, that's still to me.
That is facing your grief andit's hard to know.
Speaker 3 (22:54):
Like I recently would talk to someone who the wife I
was talking to and she had toldme that after the death of their
son, the husband just kind ofcouldn't deal with it and lost
his job and started doingdrinking a lot and stuff.
Their life has just gone waydown for the worse.
(23:15):
Why does that happen with oneperson?
The next person will dosomething different.
I don't know.
I mean, we're all different.
Why did we do what we did andthe other person goes the other
way.
I don't know.
Speaker 2 (23:26):
So my thoughts there's definitely luck plays a
role, and then how strong yoursystem is.
We had each other, we have acommunity around us, families,
Brian's other friend, allBrian's friends, so I think a
very strong support system helpsa lot.
And there's so many things thatare out of your control that
(23:47):
you can't.
I think with mental health andother things, we've very much
realized nowadays that you can'tcontrol anything.
You can't just will your wayout of certain things.
Speaker 3 (23:56):
I think trying to stay around people and don't
isolate, the worst thing you cando is isolate yourself, even
though that's what you want todo.
That's your natural instinct.
To isolate yourself, I think isreally bad.
Speaker 1 (24:05):
And what you have to realize is that I remember how
many times we would.
I would try to go out and I'dget dressed up and maybe I'd
procrastinate, and then I wouldbe too late and I couldn't go,
because it did that on purpose.
Or maybe I got all dressed upand I was standing outside the
door of something I was going togo do and I had to turn around
and go home.
(24:25):
I remember one of the firsthomecomings we went to
somebody's house after watchingthe parade and we socialized and
we hung out with our friendsand it just hit me like a ton of
bricks and I had to go and Ihad to go now.
Speaker 3 (24:40):
Yeah, it hits you all of a sudden, it's weird, and
then you just got to go, like Ididn't work and I just got to go
.
Speaker 1 (24:44):
And we would.
We'd need to come home andreconnect.
But Brian and I were togetherand we get outside the door,
into the car and rarely do I soband I just start sobbing.
It's just, and you know, aftera fashion your friends quit,
asking you how you're doing andyou want them to quit.
I've said this before.
You want them not to alwayslook at you like, oh, poor Cindy
(25:07):
, poor Hufflingers, you don'twant that anymore.
You want them to move on.
You want to move on.
But then it's also sad andisolating because you have this
kind of like dissociation,because everybody's happy and
you're still sitting theremoping and mourning and wishing
that your loved one was thereand wishing your life was the
same.
Like I don't play tennisanymore, part of it's my
(25:31):
physical body.
I have some orthopedic issues,but mostly it's because it just
reminded me constantly of thehappy times and the life I had
before and I would cry behind mysunglasses and I finally quit
and they started playing golf.
Speaker 2 (25:49):
Not very good, but part of it is just remembering
certain times past, just likelooking back at childhood or
high school or college.
Sometimes there is just thatgolden era paradigm of it.
Just everything felt betterthan especially like, because
obviously I think we allprobably think about life before
and after Brian.
That's a huge moment because Imean I've lived 15 years before
(26:13):
Brian died and I've lived 11since and obviously the last 11
I remember better than the first15.
So it is very weird because insome ways it feels like Brian a
whole another life where Brianwas alive, but then in other
ways it feels like it was justyesterday, because around this
time, all of that time, like theweek before and then that first
(26:36):
month after, obviously it was awhirlwind of all this stuff
going on.
So all that just kind of comesto the surface and it comes back
strong, but just used to getmore used to it.
Speaker 1 (26:51):
I know in the beginning and for years I would
embrace the feelings and letmyself go into them, but I'm
more likely now to.
I've processed it, I've gonethrough it.
Unless there's something new, Ihonestly don't want to keep
reliving it and going back,because it just hurts too much.
Speaker 2 (27:10):
My blood always hurts .
Speaker 1 (27:12):
So I just try to.
I'll think about it.
Sometimes things will hit youout of nowhere.
There's a lot of goofy thingsthat he would do, or do you
remember he liked that one gum.
Speaker 2 (27:22):
What's it come?
Speaker 1 (27:23):
it was green and it was experiment or wintergreen or
sugar-free, and I just, I seethat gommer, I see those those
on cool ranch sunflower.
Speaker 2 (27:34):
Oh yeah.
Speaker 1 (27:35):
And it'll just freakin hit me.
Speaker 2 (27:37):
I remember it was old house, like I Just remember
there be that from one time.
So I was asking me, like what'sthis mark on your door?
The one time my brother and gothome from school and then he
you know he slapped happy makesa lot of noise when you come
home from school and then hejust he tried to open my door.
It was closed and he like hidinto it and he like messed it up
a bit.
And I remember asking me becausehe tried to open it when it
(28:01):
wasn't, when it was locked, andit was funny you just be kind of
slap happy sometimes and hewanted to spread that energy to
other people.
Speaker 1 (28:07):
He had a lot of energy.
Speaker 2 (28:09):
He loved I mean some other things.
I mean that we can all rememberwhen the article is live and
just any the dogs and justpeople like or himself.
He loved clapping.
He loved making a clappingnoise of coughing, cuss, being
his hand and finding a crevice.
Like I'm making it really loud,making it really so that I
think a lot of people and justhis claps or everyone knew him
(28:29):
like it's the clap, as someonewho clap really loud in
different ways, because Iremember the one shirt fraud
with hills I was made for almostlike keep clapping yeah so
exactly.
Obviously, it's just thosethings like that where you.
I bet he never even wouldrealize that everyone remember
him for his clapping.
Speaker 3 (28:45):
I don't think he was funny because he loved the clap.
Then remember, at the funeralthere's like I mean at the yeah,
I asked in, the church isprobably twelve hundred thirteen
our people there and the priestsaid you know, brian, I always
clap for everybody else and lovethe clap, but do we ever clap
for him?
And all everybody in thatchurch start clapping.
Speaker 1 (29:00):
It was he said why don't we, why don't we clap for
Brian that?
Speaker 3 (29:03):
was something and you could just feel it.
Speaker 1 (29:05):
It was incredible, and that dog though he would, he
had a nickname for and he'dscream that name.
Rikroup, he'd call her Ricky.
Speaker 2 (29:14):
He was good at coming up with nicknames, he nicknamed
.
Speaker 1 (29:16):
You'd have several and he'd come in and go Ricky,
he'd just scream and he'd startclapping and he'd run, walk the
dog who weighed Probably 120pounds, and he'd slap her out,
or she'd she'd roll over and puther belly up and he'd he'd tap
around the belly and it would beloud because he knew he could
tell she also not a cut to.
Speaker 2 (29:38):
Really was not a cut, but she loved.
She loves belly rubs in thatshe loved that too.
Speaker 1 (29:42):
She was allowed and she.
She would smack her tail Reallyloud down the ground when she
because she was so enthusedwhenever- she sat up at the top
of the stairs for a month afterhe died, and then, when he
didn't come up, she finallystopped going upstairs.
Speaker 2 (30:00):
Well, I think I think our animals definitely,
especially pads dogs, there's aspecial bond in cat.
I think they definitely knowsomething different at times.
My, so it's probably.
I can't imagine what it is forthem that they just one day
someone's not there.
Speaker 3 (30:14):
It would other three then how long do they remember
as a thing?
Speaker 1 (30:18):
Yeah, I don't know, but the other two that we had at
the time Would come in with meto Brian's room and it's almost
like they knew I was grieving.
Well they, I had to have sensedthe green.
I think dogs can sense ouremotions for like they sense
when you're sad, and just likethey can sense a lot of time
they can sense natural disastersor come up that they.
Speaker 2 (30:36):
I can't remember what it is, but they have some.
Speaker 3 (30:38):
I mean, as they know, when you're sick and not
feeling good, they always hangwith you, you know, and they can
tell, yeah.
But I mean, so that's kind ofwhat we do On our anniversary
now, as we just kind of take theday to reflect a little bit, I
think yeah, I think it's justgood always to keep You're still
alive at that person.
Speaker 2 (30:59):
People remember how you made them feel and I think
there is no reason that you haveto, not Just because someone's
gone.
You move, like we've said, youcan move on with life, but also
still honor them and think ofhow they've impacted you, and
it's just a way to to shareBrian's life and continue.
And you know, and we talk aboutit a lot.
Speaker 3 (31:20):
People probably think well, they just talk about
death and Brian a lot.
But you know it's a part of ourlife.
And Brian was a huge part of ourlife.
You know he's our son and soFor anybody out there who's
going to, so I don't feel bad.
I mean it don't ever not talkabout your, your loved one,
because you feel bad about it.
I mean it's a part of your lifeand you should be able to talk
(31:41):
about it.
You don't want to talk about it, sesame, but I mean and if you
have a friend that doesn't wantto hear they're not.
You're right, yeah, 100%.
Speaker 2 (31:47):
So I'm not your friend, so don't you know, I
should always talk about well,just because the premise life's
not all happiness, you canexperience Insane joy and pure
happiness because you've beenthrough deep sadness.
So I mean, life isn't justconstant, it's up and downs and
I think you should be able toshare both and there's I mean
(32:10):
there's balance.
But you have to do what's trueto yourself.
You have to be authentic toyourself, where you're always
gonna feel you Not gonna feelthe best because you're being
inauthentic.
Speaker 1 (32:19):
I think having had the grief allows you to be a
little more Able, to beintuitive to other people, maybe
, and their pain, and maybelisten a little bit better to
others or, like you said, helpthat lady.
You know that's be so stuck inour own heads, in our own world,
and and be Considerate ofothers.
(32:42):
It's helpful, I mean.
I mean we all.
Speaker 2 (32:44):
I'm definitely go to that, but we all are at times of
just getting into.
It's so easy to get intoautopilot on life and just Do
your daily routine and otherthings, but sometimes just to
pause and really like be awarein the moment what's going on
around you, how yourinteractions.
One thing I I read the otherday I was listening to a podcast
of you might not realize howbig of an impact it is.
(33:07):
Say you come home from workevery single day and you're
super stressed and you just yourkids come up to you or someone
else comes up to you and youkind of chew them off or you're
you snap at them because youYou're so stressed from work.
That's that makes that such alasting, huge impact on another
person.
Where, trying to the oppositeeven if you had a bad day at
(33:28):
work or you're very stressed out, just trying to be positive, it
has a huge impact on people.
So trying to sometimes not letyourself get in that autopilot
moment and kind of live in eachmoment so you can be present and
have the impact you want tohave on other people, yeah, so I
(33:48):
think I mean that's.
That's remembering Brian, and,like my dad said, we do talk
about it a lot, but he is amassive family.
Yeah, he's a massive part of ourlife and he has led to.
A lot of the stuff we've doneis a direct refraction of of
Brian dying and it's lying toand I think my dad's talked
about this before of lying to dothe things he can no longer do.
(34:10):
We all know Brian would havedone, been a very positive force
in the world and done a lot ofthings in his life.
So it's just us kind of payingthat forward for him of carrying
out the mission that he was cutshort on and for anyone out
there who is going through griefor other bad events.
Speaker 1 (34:36):
Just, you know, obviously the people around you
use your support system andDon't be afraid to take support
from something, a source thatyou wouldn't typically think of.
Take your resources fromanywhere you can get them.
Yeah, and also you know I meanwe've been through it.
Speaker 3 (34:55):
So I mean the early days and months, you know, can
be horrible, you know, andthat's the hardest time to get
through, but you know there is.
I mean people should tell usthis.
We didn't believe it.
I mean there is a light at theend of the tunnel to someone.
I mean, as time goes on, thingsdo get better.
The pain lessons you don'tforget, but at least you can
function, you're not hurting asbad every day, and then
(35:15):
eventually you start to havehappiness again a little bit.
I mean it comes slowly, but wehave happy times now and we
never thought we would.
So hang in there.
I mean it's going to happen, itjust takes time.
But don't, don't, don't dosomething that you regret
because you got to get throughthat period where you're where
you're really in.
Speaker 1 (35:32):
I know my mom.
Speaker 2 (35:33):
Mom says a lot, but finding the new normal sometimes
I mean it does it can take along time, but you will.
You will find a new way ofliving.
Speaker 1 (35:42):
You can, you have to, you have to.
Speaker 2 (35:44):
But I think the biggest thing I think about, too
, is the person you lost.
They would want you to be happy, they would want you to keep
living I know Brian would, forall of us.
So it's.
It's easy to say that at timesit's hard to follow, but I
always try to think about thatof you keep living, to honor
(36:04):
them in that way.
Speaker 1 (36:06):
So the most important message is hold your loved ones
close, maybe a little closertoday.
Just remember that how specialthey are to you, and maybe even
let them know.
Speaker 3 (36:18):
And you know I mean stay strong, I mean things will
get better and just take yourtime at your own pace and you'll
get through this.
But stay close to friends andfamily and, and you know again,
have a support system, becauseit gets the most important thing
.
Don't isolate yourself.
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