Episode Transcript
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(00:01):
I want for my children and grandchildren
to be able to go to my funeral
and say, I really liked him a lot.
He was a good father. And I think
I've whatever time I've got, whether it's twenty
three
years or twenty three months or twenty three
days,
I think that I am now giving them
(00:22):
a different impression
of their grandfather
and father than they had before I went
to Hoffman.
And that's what counts.
Welcome, everybody. My name is Drew Horning, and
this podcast is called Love's Everyday Radius.
It's brought to you by the Hoffman Institute,
and it's stories and anecdotes
(00:44):
and people we interview
about their life post process and how it
lives in the world radiating love.
Hey, everybody. Welcome to the Hoffman podcast.
Rusty Duke, judge Rusty Duke, welcome. Thank you,
(01:04):
Drew. I'm glad to be here with you.
We're glad to have you. We're looking forward
to this conversation.
I just wanna introduce you a little bit.
You are a retired
trial judge.
You've been married for fifty two years. You
have three children, nine
grandchildren.
You live in Greenville, North Carolina.
You are counsel at a local law firm
(01:26):
after your retirement as a judge. How many
years were you a trial judge? A little
over twenty five. I would say twenty six
or seven, somewhere in there. And
in here, you also talk about
enjoying and visiting with your kids, your grandkids,
traveling,
and you enjoy being involved in community activities,
(01:48):
community service. You speak
to various local civic groups,
and you're caring for a local camp.
What does that mean? Well, we,
are interested in the facilities out there and
helping them to,
grow as a camp.
I see. And then
you just wrote and published your first book,
(02:09):
Call Your First Case,
My Stories.
Welcome, Rusty. We're we're psyched to have you.
Rusty,
you grew up in the South. How old
are you? Can I ask your age? I
know that's impolite in some circles.
No. It's not impolite in the South unless
it's a woman.
So I would say my age is 77.
(02:30):
I'll be 78 in August. How old were
you when you did the process?
It was last October, so I was, just
turned 77.
Okay. Well, how's a
77
year old Southerner
make his way
to Northern California
to do the Hoffman process?
(02:50):
My youngest son, who lives in Greensboro,
he went to Hoffman
in California
in August
of last year, and
he returned
very happy and much more connected,
I think, with his family.
And I didn't know that his he was
having any kind of happiness problems or whatever.
(03:13):
So
I was sitting on the porch
at our place at Bath with my
granddaughter,
Sarah, and we were swinging in the swing
and having a conversation. It was she was
11 at that time. I was talking with
her, and she said that this is something
she said that indicated that her parents sometime
(03:34):
would have, you know, disagreements or whatever.
Then I said, well, they don't ever argue
in front of you, do they, Sarah? And
I try not to ask the grandchildren
anything about what goes on in their homes.
I mean, they can tell me, but I
don't inquire or matter or anything.
And she said, oh, no, granddaddy, but we
know when they're not happy. And I said,
(03:57):
oh, okay.
She said, but you know, granddaddy
daddy has been happier since he went to
California.
And I said, well, good. Meaning, the trip
that he took to HOPWA.
And I said, Sarah, let me ask you.
Do you think granddaddy's happy? And she said,
oh, yes, granddaddy. I think you're happy,
but I think you'd be happier if you
(04:19):
went to California.
And so
that was on a Saturday afternoon.
And on Monday, I signed up to go
to Hoffman.
On the advice of your 12 year old
granddaughter.
Yes.
But she's very wise. She you know, a
lot of wisdom comes out of children. They're
very honest with you. And they're vulnerable. I
(04:39):
mean, they just tell you what they think.
Yeah.
So you sign up. You do the paperwork.
Take us there. Like, what happened
at the beginning?
I had absolutely
no clue about what Hoffman was or anything
about it. Never heard of it. Had not
really talked to my son about it. I
(05:01):
had noticed some change, but I I really
didn't have any conversation much with him except
that he had a good time and enjoyed
it and thought it was beneficial to him.
And
I signed up, you know, to go
and was doing the preprocess
work, the answer to the questions,
and read the brochure about the quadratic.
(05:22):
It just was a very revealing process to
me. I thought it was very good. And
I have always
recognized
that in some way or another that people
are spirit
and that they are made up of a
body.
They have a brain that's divided
into two,
emotional and intellect.
I've recognized that. It reveals itself over a
(05:45):
period of years
in the job that I had.
So I felt very much at home and
very able to,
accept what the proposition was with Hoffman.
In your work as a
trial judge,
you know, you're in the in the courtroom
deciding
people's
(06:06):
fate in a lot of ways.
Did that idea of seeing people as
spirits, that there is a part of them
that is pure and authentic and innocent,
did that
show up?
I think it did, of course.
Everyone
has a different life as you know. They
have different experiences.
(06:28):
The number one experience
that people have had who end up in
a courtroom charged with a felony,
that number one experience that they've had in
life is that they have
had
no
significant relationship
with their biological
father,
and that is a huge impact on people.
(06:50):
So you saw that over the course of
your years in the courtroom.
You could trace
the people coming in charged with crimes and
then trace it back to
the fact that there wasn't
a bio father presence in the family growing
up. That's right. You know, I'll tell you
one very quick story that's in my book.
(07:12):
The defendant
came in. He was charged with felony possession
of heroin. The district attorney called the case
for trial. He did not have a lawyer,
so
I excused the jury pool and went over
his right with him that he has the
right to be represented by a lawyer. And
he continued to decline the lawyer, did not
(07:33):
want a lawyer, and he selected the jury.
We went through the trial.
He played guilty to an unrelated
felony possession of heroin, and I left the
jury in the courtroom to observe the sentencing
and the judgment and sentencing.
When everything was completed and just before I
would pronounce judgment
(07:53):
for sentencing
any defendant,
they would be given the right, given the
opportunity
to
address the court in any way they saw
fit.
I asked him, I said, where did you
grow up? And he said, well, I was
born in Kinston, and I grew up in
Baltimore.
And I said, do you have any brothers
and sisters? He said, I have a sister,
(08:14):
and I have a brother. My sister lives
in Baltimore. My brother is in jail in
Washington, DC.
And then I said, is your mother still
living? Yes.
This entire time, he's looking at me. This
is all very normal,
unusual
circumstances
involved, and and the attorney's looking at him,
turned to their left because they were sitting
(08:36):
to his right. And I said, well, tell
me about your father. And when I'd said
those words,
his face dropped. He looked up, and one
tear, just one tear, was coming down his
right cheek, very shiny tear,
very slowly. And the jury was just
they couldn't believe it. I'd seen it before,
(08:57):
so it didn't surprise me, but they just
were startled. And everything was very quiet. And
then he looked at me, and he said,
he gave me a dollar when I was
four.
The jury was just
very impacted by that statement
as I was too.
I've almost become emotional when I remember that
(09:19):
statement and tell that story. That's
just the heartbreak that you run into.
And as you look at your time at
Hoffman,
what does it do to that story and
stories like that that you've witnessed?
What
does your own
journey
(09:39):
inside of you?
One of the major principles
that Hoffman taught me
and that has
really give me a lot of freedom in
my relationships
and just thought processes
is that we are not
our patterns.
(10:01):
The Bible says we're born in sin.
To me, that now means
that we had sinful parents. They had sinful
parents. All these previous generations
were sinful people, and they had patterns.
And I have patterns.
I inherited those patterns mostly from my parents,
(10:23):
but they had patterns. And as you know
the process, you learn to
really
consider your parents,
how they live, what happened to them. And
you are very grateful for them, of course,
but you're very sympathetic or empathetic
for them. Let me ask you about that.
What did you learn, and what was that
(10:44):
experience like for you
in the exploration
of the patterns that your parents learned as
a result of the childhood
that they had?
I had already forgiven them pretty much. I
I thought I had, but it brings forth
forgiveness.
They're human just like I am. I would
(11:04):
want forgiveness.
I very easily and very readily
forgave them, although they're gone now. I was
reconciled
to them. Although I'd really never had any
problems with it, we never had many conflicts
at all. I grew up a very happy
child
or thought I was very happy.
I never thought about the fact that I
(11:26):
have these patterns, and Hoffman identified them for
me. And it's been very helpful in my
life, in my happiness.
It's a weird sort of paradox, isn't it?
We're gonna spend a lot of time identifying
these patterns,
tracing them to your parents,
but, ultimately,
you are not your patterns.
(11:46):
I think one of the secrets about Hoffman
is that there's no condemnation.
There's no judgment.
And as a result,
you accept the pattern. You see the patterns.
You can see them clearly.
One of the patterns is guilt, and you
can recognize guilt.
I am not my pattern, and I'm gonna
(12:07):
recycle that pattern. I'm gonna get rid of
that pattern. I'm gonna replace that pattern. I'm
spirit,
and the Bible teaches everybody that they're spirit.
Most Sunday schools and churches
don't approach the situation,
life's situation, the way Hoffman has for me.
And so given your son had gone before
you,
(12:27):
did you think about him during the week
and wondered what it was like for him
and realized that he was
doing the same work on you as you
were doing on your mom and dad? Yes.
I did. And when I received a letter
from him, a card,
expressing forgiveness,
expressing
love for me, I then realized where that
(12:49):
impetus for writing that letter came from, and
I was very thankful for it. What was
that like to read
a handwritten letter? Not something that you get
very often nowadays.
A handwritten letter that came in the mail
from your son
telling you how much he loves you.
Well, of course, it was wonderful.
(13:11):
And his mother received a a letter just
like that, and it was very wonderful to
her. We we probably raised our children.
They were reared in a home that was
probably more, I would say, formal or more
I hate to use the word unforgiving because
I really feel like I have forgiven my
(13:31):
children for any trespasses that they may have
made, but we didn't have a close
intentional
relationship with our children like we should have.
That was purple.
We were parenting
in the same way that we were taught
by our parents.
We were going through the same motion
that they went through.
(13:53):
Take us to
your process.
Kinda bring us along with you, if you
would, to a moment in time. Where are
you? What's happening
as you're in this
Northern California
experience
called the Hoffman process. What's happening?
Well, it all is just one
(14:14):
process. I lost track of time. It was
a Tuesday,
but I thought it was a Wednesday.
And our teacher,
we had a small group meeting, and she
says, well, we're halfway through the process.
And I said, well, you know, really, we're
we're well over halfway.
(14:35):
She said, no. This is the midpoint today
at lunch.
I said,
I guess.
And she said, what day do you think
it is?
I said, well, it's Wednesday.
She said, no. It's Tuesday.
That was an experience. I just couldn't believe
it.
I had really
become immersed in the whole process to the
(14:57):
point that I lost track of time.
And the other thing, in that small group,
we wrote down
characteristics
of the people
who were in our small group.
It was quite a process.
We had no idea that they would be
shared.
By that time, we had become
(15:19):
really good friends with the people in our
process.
It was one of the most
friendly weeks,
one of the most
friend making weeks I've ever experienced.
They gave me a copy of what the
people had written down as what they appreciated
and saw in me.
(15:40):
They said all this. I wrote it down,
and I have it pasted in front of
me right now.
It's very encouraging.
I put down at the bottom of this
list of what they appreciated me. I put
down that they
told me this.
They wrote what they appreciated them before
they knew I was a judge.
(16:00):
See, as a judge, you
you get used to people praising you all
the time. And you have to remember, they
may not necessarily be being truthful with
you. These people were very truthful, and I
couldn't believe it when I read these things.
What was that like for you to let
in
these classmates of yours
(16:23):
were seeing qualities in you
that were beautiful and wonderful and powerful
and naming them out loud to you. What
was that like for you? One of the
things that I learned at Hoffman is it's
very difficult
to love other people,
to really truly love other people if you
don't love yourself.
(16:44):
I never really thought about loving myself.
You just don't hear that. I've never heard
a sermon. I've never heard anybody stand up
and say, you need to love yourself.
A foreign concept, something you hadn't even heard
before.
It was.
And so I began to see
that these other people
(17:04):
really I mean, it was we had close
relationships.
They loved me, and I was being told
that I need to love myself.
And I was beginning to cross that bridge
where I I could enter into a different
relationship with myself, I guess, is what I'm
saying. I don't have these voices in my
head any longer.
(17:26):
When I left Hoffman,
I left all the negative voices that would
come in my head all the time.
They're gone.
And I think
that mainly
they're gone because
I have a different relationship with myself. It's
a relationship of love rather than condemnation
and judgment.
(17:47):
This boy is saying, oh, that was a
dumb thing to do, a dumb thing to
say, or you just just say it all
the time.
Rusty, what's that like to live from that
place post process
where you're living from a place of love
and kindness and compassion for yourself, not condemnation?
What do you notice? Well, you notice that
(18:09):
your relationships with other people are different.
You notice that you're smiling more.
You notice that you have a little extra
zip in your step. You notice a difference
in life
and your appreciation for life. Another thing is
I never had a lot of experience drinking
alcohol or doing drugs or whatever. You know?
(18:31):
Alcohol is an
accepted
controlled substance, I guess, what you'd say. And
after Hoffman, I noticed that I really didn't
have any desire for it. I had my
own spirit. I didn't need a bottled
spirit.
It's been very
liberating
and freer now than I ever have been.
(18:52):
And I could say things to people that
I wouldn't have ordinarily said.
Like, what's an example of that?
Well, just speaking with people and then and
asking people how they're doing and inquiring into
their life and
enjoying their responses
and laughing and talking with them
(19:13):
and being more of a human being with
people, I guess, is what you'd say. I
thought I had done that in the past,
but not like I do now.
Do you notice
people reacting and responding to you differently? Do
you see it in
their meeting you when you do that? Well,
of course, they're friendlier,
and they're much more open.
(19:33):
Yeah. I would say so. I really don't
pay a lot of attention to that.
I feel like they always have treated me
very nicely.
Rusty, I wanna ask a question about your
age and when you did the process. Sometimes
as people experience change,
they can often
experience some
(19:54):
regret or remorse
or
some sort
of reflection back of,
I wish I'd done this earlier.
Why didn't I find this thing earlier? If
it's so helpful now, what would have my
life have been like had I done it
when I was younger?
And so I just wanna ask you about
(20:14):
that. Do you
at 77,
did you
wish you had done it earlier, or did
it feel like, you know, this is actually
the right time?
Really?
I don't.
I think that that's that would be
sort of that voice
that's now gone.
That voice would say, well, you should've done
this a long time ago. You should've done
(20:36):
this. You ought to do this, or you
you are dumb not to found out about
this earlier.
You know what I mean? So I just
that voice is gone.
I want for my children and grandchildren
to be able to go to my funeral
and say, you know, I really liked him
a lot. He was a good father. And
(20:58):
I think I've whatever time I've got, whether
it's twenty three years or twenty three months
or twenty three days,
I think that I am now giving them
a different impression
of their grandfather
and father than they had before I went
to Hoffman.
And that's what counts.
It's the future. I I'm concentrating
(21:20):
on the future.
So how has it
been? I think I asked you this earlier
when we talked about
your marriage.
You kinda have an established
way of connecting with someone over the course
of thirty plus years.
You said thirty. It's
fifty. Did I say thirty? I meant fifty.
(21:41):
Five decades, Rusty, of being together.
How has your Hoffman work
what happens
when you came home
and you're now with your wife?
Well, she went too.
I came home in October, and she went
in January.
I think that we are happier.
This renewed
(22:02):
our spirit
of being,
like, maybe newlyweds
sort of. I'm very excited to be married
to her. Nice. It's fun.
Is it a little bit of a rebirth
of how you wanna be in the world,
how you wanna be together in your marriage?
Yeah.
That's not to say that we don't have
our times.
(22:23):
And mainly because of me, but,
you know, we we have a better spirit
about it. Yeah. I love that comment about
I don't need
spirits
because I have my own spirit.
A spirit as an alcoholic drink, I have
my own spirit.
Rusty, I wanna wanna circle back here
to where we started
(22:45):
and checking in with that
on the porch,
that eleven year old who
thought it might be a good idea to
give her granddaddy some advice that maybe he
should go to Hoffman.
What was it like when you connected back
with her
post process, now 12 year old?
What happened
(23:06):
in that connection?
Well,
I really love my grandchildren, and we have
what we call cousins camp.
My wife and I have our eight grandchildren.
The ninth one, he doesn't qualify yet. You
have to be four years old and diaper
trained to go to this camp. But we
have a fairly close relationship with our grandchildren,
(23:28):
I would say.
And it's just renewed that, and I enjoyed
remembering that
swing conversation
that day with Sarah.
It was not unusual
for her to be
very conversive and very, open,
sweet, sweet child.
(23:48):
I thought I was very easy with my
granddaughter before, but now I feel very, very
close to all of them.
Anything else you wanna share
that we didn't get to?
One of the things I would say about
HOPWA
is the support
that it has given me, really, basically, just
free of charge.
(24:09):
It's an amazing
app.
You have the opportunity
to go deeper. You have the opportunity to
listen to visualizations
and relax and continuing
in the renewal of your life.
It has visualizations.
It has quad check, of course, and the
appreciation of gratitude,
(24:30):
recycling and rewiring and
visioning and
all those things that they provide for you
to encourage you and to enable
you to not lose
memory of how you felt when you left
the process center there in California.
If it's a one time experience and you
(24:51):
don't have this continual
post process
encouragement and help and assistance,
you could easily forget what an wonderful experience
it was
and begin to slide back into your old
life.
If you keep up the daily quadrant, which
I do, and I try to remember
each evening, I have it on my calendar
(25:12):
to do the appreciation of gratitude.
I think more than anything else in life,
gratitude
is a secret.
And to sit and be encouraged to just
consider
your breath and what a gift it is,
it makes you stop and be thankful.
That is a very important thing to carry
(25:34):
in life. Yeah. I just wanna make sure
I got that
correctly, and that is that
were
you not to continue the tools using the
app,
this would be a kind of one off.
But the fact that you're on the app
doing the practices, the tools
keeps it alive, keeps the those feelings, especially
(25:56):
the feeling you felt when you left on
Friday,
keeps it as an ongoing thing in your
life. And so the shelf life is extended.
Yeah. And extended as long as you want
as you take the time
to extend it. It's your responsibility.
Another thing that I really learned in at
Hoffman,
(26:17):
and I have shared this with other people
without referring to Hoffman, without really proselytizing
or whatever,
we have a responsibility
to live life
responsibly
and to respond
to people
and respond to events
and not react
to people and what they say and not
(26:39):
react
to events, but think.
That's really important.
Well, if you do that, then you have
this app that also
encourages
that kind of living, that kind of responsibility.
And you think, well,
appreciation and gratitude, how does that help you
to respond? I think it helps a lot
(27:01):
because I think that you sit and consider
the blessings that you have.
It's inside
those blessings. It's in a life of blessings
that you respond to people. You have that
attitude
of appreciation.
And it encourages you also to appreciate what
(27:21):
aspects of yourself
do you appreciate.
Because otherwise, you wouldn't think about it. You
would just wouldn't stop and say, well, you
know, I appreciate
this about me.
That wouldn't happen
except for extraordinary people who might do that.
But I learned that at Hoffman.
Rusty,
who's loving himself and having compassion
(27:43):
for himself,
maybe for the first time in his 77.
You know, I may have had compassion. I
may have loved myself, but I certainly never
thought about it
Without any thought about it, I know that
it had an impact because that voice is
gone, the voices
of condemnation and judgment.
(28:04):
So something happened
because that's that is gone.
You moving out of the South to Northern
California?
I love California. I love this entire country.
I love the whole world, everywhere I've traveled.
You wouldn't be able to do your cousin's
camp down in North Carolina. They must love
(28:25):
that. They love it. We do it on
themes.
One of the themes was,
of Blackbeard the Pirate. And Blackbeard the Pirate
legend
tells he had a treasure chest which was
lost.
And is full of gold. So we had
a a cousin's camp that was
more or less centered on
(28:45):
Blackbeard.
And so we went through this three days.
And one of those days, we went on
a picnic
to
the beach,
which is very near where the ruins of
Blackbeard's
house is.
He died 1718.
Well, the day before,
I buried this little chest of plastic money
(29:06):
in the sand where they could find it.
And and one my oldest grandson,
he just went crazy. He said, granddaddy, I
found
Blackbeard's treasure.
All the grandchildren
rushed around. Everybody was just very excited. Of
course, it was plastic,
(29:26):
but he was very possessive of it. And
his father had read the Lord of the
Rings to him. So he the more possessive
he got, the more I noticed that. And
I said, Jonathan,
is this your ring?
Is this your precious?
Well, he was convicted then, you know, and
he decided he'd share a little bit of
the bounty. Well, the next year, the youngest
(29:49):
grandchild,
little
Eleanor,
we had Indian theme
of local Algonquin Indian tribes that settled along
here on the coast.
The,
university here in Greenville has this lab and
had these thousand year old canoes,
dugouts.
One four thousand years old and another they
(30:12):
have somewhere else that's 10,000 years old. Well,
walking out of that laboratory, they had an
exhibit there of Blackbeard because they had found
his ship near Beaufort, North Carolina, and it
had sunk out there and been scuttled.
The guy gives us a little background on
Blackbeard, not knowing that we had studied Blackbeard
the summer before. And we get in the
(30:34):
car, and little Eleanor looks at my wife,
and she says, grandmommy,
we should've told him that we found that
Blackbeard's treasure.
It really made an impression on her.
And she thought she had found Blackbeard's treasure
and that we should reveal it to the
authorities.
(30:54):
It was real life to her.
Rusty, what's that like to sort of reflect
on your life and your time at Hoffman
and to
be in the experience of you
before, during, and after your process and talk
about it? You know, I thought I was
happy before,
and I think I maybe was a little
(31:15):
happy, but I'm very happy now.
And I've enjoyed talking about it.
I think that
you almost have to have been to Hoffman
to understand
how it can affect you and how it
helps to give you a more real
impression of
(31:36):
life.
It just brings a reality to your life,
really.
It helps you it encourages you to stop
and listen
and consider
where you are and who you are and
what you are.
The,
body,
soul,
that is the intellect and the emotion,
(31:59):
and your spirit.
I'm much better off post process
than I was preprocess.
Rusty, thank you for your time,
for sharing your stories,
for being with us today.
Thank you. Well, I enjoyed being with you,
Drew.
It's very
(32:24):
nice. Thank you for listening to our podcast.
My name is Liza Ingrassi. I'm the CEO
and president of Hoffman Institute Foundation.
And I'm Rassie Grasse,
Hoffman teacher and founder of the Hoffman Institute
Foundation.
Our mission is to provide people greater access
to the wisdom and power of love. In
themselves, in each other, and in the world.
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To find out more, please go to hompaninstitute.org.