Nationally recognized thought leader, Bernard Franklin, completed the Hoffman Process in June 2022.
As Bernard shares, he was a man who had blocked his emotions, feelings, and energy, and "all of those channels were ready to explode." He was shaky. He wasn't comfortable in his own skin. And having arrived at the world's best educational institution and at the height of his career, he found himself profoundly needing something he could not yet name. He found it at the Hoffman Process.
At Bernard's Process:
Bernard beautifully shares a story from the first night of his Process. In the first few hours, something did not sit right with him. Old childhood memories were triggered. At that moment, Bernard spoke up from his belly. He said what he couldn't say as a child. And at this moment, he was met by his Process teacher with kindness, gentleness, and the invitation to look deeper. Bernard stayed and had a profoundly transformative experience. His story is an example of how surrender to the Process does not imply or insist on acquiescence.
The recurring theme woven throughout this rich conversation with Bernard and Sharon is that of healing the wound left by a father who could not love his son in the way his son needed. Bernard takes us into the journey of healing his relationship with his father and in turn with his own masculinity.
Through his Process, Bernard was able to truly embrace the reality of his parents' lives as they were, not as he'd wished they'd been. In this embrace, he found a deep and lasting compassion for both his parents. Consequently, the direction of his life's work has changed. After integrating the work of the Process, Bernard realized he must follow a new path. He is now bringing his lifetime of work and his open, vulnerable heart to what he names "our world's toughest men."
Content Warning: This episode does mention abuse and might not be suitable for all audiences.
More about Bernard Franklin:
Dr. Bernard Franklin is a nationally recognized thought leader on issues confronting urban trauma and violence, mental health, resilience, boys' and mens' development, and K-12 and higher education issues. His 40-year career includes leadership at five higher education institutions and a Kansas City philanthropy.
In 2022, Bernard completed a Fellowship with Harvard’s Advanced Leadership Initiative focused on urban mental health research, specifically on violent and marginalized urban individuals. He is the Managing Director of Uncornered, a Boston-based organization transforming urban communities into violence-free neighborhoods.
Bernard earned an MS in Counseling and Behavioral Studies from the University of South Alabama. He obtained a Ph.D. in Counseling and Higher Education Administration, with an outside emphasis in family studies from Kansas State University. Bernard earned a master's Professional Training Certificate focused on the trauma/resilience theory model of Trust-Based Relational Intervention (TBRI) from Texas Christian University. He has been a speaker, taught courses, and consulted K-12 and higher education organizations on social-emotional teaching and learning, trauma, attachment disorder, resilience, and neuroscience. Bernard served as Chaplin and a member of the NFL Kansas City Chiefs professional counseling team. He is a member of the distinguished advisory board of The Center for Law, Brain & Behavior at Harvard.
Bernard is a widowed and proud father of a daughter and three sons; and has seven adorable grandchildren.
Discover more about and connect with Bernard on LinkedIn.
Among Bernard's many awards and honors:
Bernard was twice honored among the 100 Most Influential African Americans in Kansas City (1998, 2009). The Greater Kansas City Chamber of Commerce honored him with the Distinguished Leadership Award for contributions to urban education. The Kansas City Downtown Council awarded him “Urban Hero” for his urban public education work.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:02):
This is 1 of the most touching conversations
I have ever had.
It really showcases the profound impact a process
can have.
After taking the process, my guest, Bernard Franklin,
transformed what once felt like pain and agony
into a gift.
(00:22):
Not only was he able to love himself
and that little boy that he once was,
he was also able to find deep compassion
for his parents.
And when he went back out into the
world after the process.
He became an embodiment
of authentic balanced masculinity.
And with that embodiment,
(00:43):
he actively gives hope to what he calls
our world's toughest men.
This is a beautiful interview with a beautiful
man
prepare to be deeply moved.
Also please be aware this conversation does make
reference to abuse and therefore may not be
suitable for all audiences.
(01:06):
And
Welcome to Lu everyday radius. A podcast brought
to you by the Hoffman Institute.
My name is Sharon Moore, and I'm 1
of your hosts. And on this podcast, we
talked to Hoffman graduates
about how their courageous journey inward
(01:29):
impacted their personal lives, but also
how it impacted their community and the world
at large.
So tune in and listen in and hear
how our graduates authentic selves, how their love,
how their spirits
are making a positive impact on our world
today.
In other words, get to know their loves
(01:49):
everyday radius
Alright Bernard. Welcome to the show. Thank you.
It's great to be with you. Well, let's
start with the Hoffman process.
When did you take the process?
And what was it that led you there?
I took the process in June
(02:10):
of last year in Connecticut.
I remember pretty vividly
going to the website the first time.
And seeing the words
when you're serious about change,
I was a man who
had
blocked
lots of
emotions, lots of feelings,
(02:31):
lots of energy
and
all of those channels were ready
to explode.
To come on blue.
I was ready. I had no idea. Honestly,
I had no idea what I was getting
into
those words just penetrated me.
When you're ready for sirius james. It's like
(02:54):
okay.
I'm ready, but I don't know what I'm
getting into. So I went to Connecticut
talk about surrender. And when you went there,
were you aware that these channels were ready
to explode or you just knew something needed
to shift. I was really unsettled.
I don't know what a nervous breakdown feels
like,
(03:14):
but I was
I was shaky. I was,
I was not myself. I wasn't feeling comfortable
in my skin any longer.
I couldn't
pretend to be good and fine.
And well,
I had arrived at the world's best
(03:35):
educational
institution,
and
at the height of my life at the
height of my career,
here I was a month after arriving
feeling
that I I needed something, but I didn't
know exactly what I needed.
But I knew that
all of my cylinders
(03:55):
were
were off.
And what was the process like for you?
It was
excruciating to begin with.
I say that
and I have to interject. I have to
bring in
not just my mail in this, but my
being African American male,
(04:16):
I was
conscious,
probably hyper vigilant
of where I was going and what I
was doing.
I had an idea that going to rural
Connecticut would be all
white.
So I was
immediately
feeling
bad anxiety.
And as we drove from the train
(04:38):
riding in an Uber
deeper into rural Connecticut
the fear and the anxiety continued to rise.
So we arrive, and I get out and
met by the staff and so forth it
make my way to my room and it's
(04:58):
What can I say? It's it's a lonely
space
because you don't know you're in a strange
place.
You don't know anyone. And so you settle
in and
trust that the universe has a plan and
a purpose for you,
but you don't know. So
you surrender to where you're at and surrender
(05:19):
to those moments.
And
I was red I mean, I what more
can I say? I I was ready, though
it was
painfully awkward.
And so you said excruciating to begin with,
and then did that
evolve into something else?
Well, yes. So we get to the first
event.
(05:40):
And
how how do I say
I arrive in the room, and the room
is set up
with chairs
and
with our name tag or name plate on
the chair
and
my chair is at the end of the
first row
(06:01):
in the back.
I had
an immediate visceral
reaction of being back in middle school
whereas
an
advanced African American
in this a middle school, all of my
class
rooms had
(06:22):
franklin
at the end of the first row
in the back.
The only black hit, and you look at
it back and you think no, why did
my teachers say to themselves?
How do we integrate this boy? How do
we bring this boy into the culture and
the community?
It wasn't so thin,
(06:44):
but to get to it years later and
the still the same
positioned the same culture
happens again,
I remember saying to myself kind of processing
that sitting there
you were a boy once, and you didn't
say anything.
You're a man now, and it's time for
(07:05):
you to speak up.
And so I went to my teacher, and
I I can't stay here.
I this is this is...
This is... I can't do this. III
need to go,
and
my teacher was just calm. Just just a
sweet man just
(07:27):
recognize recognized that I was in pain, and
I was frustrated
and
said, well,
maybe there's something more here. Maybe there's something
more to the story. Maybe
maybe there's a there's something to unfold here.
Would you trust the process?
And everything in me said wanted to say,
(07:47):
hell, no. I'm not trusting in this process.
So I'm gonna... I'm gonna leave I'm gonna
get out of here, but I think it
was the manner and the way that my
teacher engaged me.
That touched my humanity touched my heart and
touched that spot that said, wait. Wait. Wait.
There might be something more here
(08:08):
that you need to
process.
And so I went back to my room
and I stayed
stayed overnight.
And you mentioned that
1 of the inner conversations you had with
yourself was,
you know, you were once a boy and
you didn't speak up You're now a man.
It's time to speak up.
(08:29):
Would you say that was 1 of the
first times you spoke up
in that way?
And that way, yes.
And to be honest with you, I I'm
not quite sure
why I did other than
maybe
being hyper vigilant being so aware,
it brought me to that place. But, yes,
(08:49):
there just times when I've been
more compliant, kinda role with the culture role
with where I've been,
having grown up with a very demanding father
who did not
provide me opportunities to express myself.
Very cold, very calculating,
(09:10):
very dismissive,
didn't receive love from his father,
and was incapable of showing me love.
I didn't have that so. I lived under
a tight rule
went through school pretty much that same way.
So, yes, I'd lived a pretty compliant life
fall in line, do what's required do what's
(09:32):
necessary to get ahead,
but I don't know if this was a
moment where
I just couldn't do that
to and I spoke out of my belly.
I spoke out of my stomach. I spoke
out of that inner part of me that
said,
This is time for you to speak up.
This is time for you
to
express how you feel.
(09:53):
It's interesting because you say, I don't know.
You know, why I did it,
but I did.
And what I heard you say earlier was
when you felt like you were ready,
you
had a surrender. You you you said I'm
going to surrender when a surrender to the
moments I'm gonna a surrender to this.
And maybe in that surrender was what guided
(10:14):
you to
to speak up in this way? That's a
good point. It is j the position. If
you look at it, if you're ready to
change
why not just sit through it?
Why not just say, well, these are circumstances,
but I'm... I won't change so bad. I'll
do whatever it takes to to get there.
(10:35):
My position was, what if this is what
I have to go through to get to
change, I'm not saying it,
which was this this strange
push and pull
just the position of of saying,
I want change, but this is uncomfortable
to be the only black in this room
and at the back of the room, and
(10:56):
I'm leaving.
But to have someone who was skilled enough
to say,
But, yeah, there could be something more here.
You had that experience. You spoke up, you
were held and seen by your teacher you
stayed.
And then what what happened in the process
for you?
(11:16):
Well, then we talked about... We introduced ourselves
and I made the introduction that how uncomfortable
it was for me to be in this...
Base and in present and to be the
only 1.
And again, I'm saying this in ways that
I... That's not typically how I handle
(11:37):
race and culture. I've been 1 to
ride with it and just smooth it over.
But for whatever reason, I couldn't and I
have to interject because I want our listeners
to understand
this is being said, I love
and out of where I am out of
my position and out of my place.
(11:58):
I think there were some in my group
who heard other words or other things and
perhaps took offense or were wounded by those
words, but that was not my intent.
My intent was coming out of my own
story coming out of my own experience of
being
the only kid, the left out kid, the
kid that no 1 talks to the kid
(12:20):
that no 1 interacts with
or the kid that's working really hard to
get good grades and to be
you know, this the smart kid, but still
always on the outside.
And so that's that's what I was attempting
to say is I think I wanna grow
up. I want a tutor, I wanna be...
I wanna say how I feel
(12:42):
and own that feeling.
And has that
stayed with you this this ability to
not just feel the feelings, but also
express what you're feeling in your life post
process?
Yes. Yes, it has. It has stayed.
There was a little boy
before
who was so submissive,
(13:04):
so broken,
not
given
compassion.
Not told he was enough. He was good
enough. He was present.
I wasn't seen by my dad. I wasn't
loved by my dad. I wasn't encouraged by
my dad.
My dad said I would never amount to
(13:24):
anything. I wasn't worth a nickel.
So through my process,
of course, you know, we spent time with
my mom, spent time with my dad.
And I had done some of that work
before, but I think I came into a
deeper place of recognizing
my dad gave me all he had
my parents were share. They picked cotton.
(13:46):
And at that time,
their lives weren't about family systems or healthy
families. They about survival.
They did enough to keep us alive and
to keep the family moving forward but it
wasn't about learning how to be a good
loving father.
My mother learning how to be a good
(14:06):
loving mother. I mean, it was it was
about survival. So looking back on it. I
could look back and and say, they gave
me what they had.
And so my process
at Hoffman was really around accepting that and
really embracing that really, really deeply
and saying,
that black family did what they could with
(14:28):
what they had.
Yeah. So almost going through that, you landed
in a deeper place
compassion like you say, you accepted it, but
really, really embrace it deeply. It's a different
level of acceptance than you may have had
before. Yes.
Yes much deeper.
And coming to the place, I think,
in a realistic way where I could love
(14:49):
my dad
and love my mom.
You know, even parts of this,
even now is hard to express, but my
dad came back from the Korean war, heroin
addicted
and
they married. And I think what really happened
was it trapped my dad.
And my dad didn't wanna be married. But
(15:11):
now all of a sudden he's married, having
come back from the war, your hair addicted,
you had If you could say a great
time a wartime,
he described how the Korean women really loved
African American men.
And so he had... I think this kind
of fascination of maybe,
and probably some Suave,
(15:32):
he would be this single guy that would
have fun, and
it didn't quite work out that way. And
then here I come and
that's not what he wanted. So
My childhood was really a lot of that
resentment and a lot of his
anger toward me.
Lot of abuse, lots of
(15:54):
lots of abuse, I I'll I'll say it
that way. So
Hoffman was a way to really go deep
into that space
and really own a lot of that pain
that I hadn't expressed
and really clean it out
and begin to let the little boy who
wasn't seen wasn't heard.
Now finally have an opportunity.
(16:17):
To be heard to be seen.
How was all of this
unfolded in your life, you went back to
this?
You mentioned you were at, you know, the
height of this career and 1 of the
best universities and suddenly hitting this cross of.
I can't go on something needs to change.
You have this powerful experience at the process
what's it like when you go back home
(16:38):
to your life?
It continues.
The unfolding continues
Because now
it's not about
trying to look good or
if we were to
describe it in terms of
places and positions just
extraordinary
(16:58):
the things that I've done, and it's amazing
that looking back even now, but especially at
my my site,
how in the world I survived
worked really hard
ballot torn of my high school,
first African American student body president,
all this enormous stuff therapists for an Nfl
(17:22):
football team just enormous,
but it wasn't
who
I really am
And so after Hoffman,
I went to visit friends to
really begin to integrate the process.
And in integrating, I realized that there
(17:43):
was work for me to do
to take my authentic self.
To broken men in the streets who
haven't had a role model, who haven't had
a father, who haven't had a man. So
I wrestled with
do I remain
with my mask on
a man who appears to be successful
(18:05):
but doesn't show his scars or doesn't show
his wounds,
and I couldn't do that anymore.
It felt like it was time for me
to
not hide anymore. How I grew up
my pain, my difficulties.
It was time for me to own this
(18:26):
journey.
And so I did, literally, I went and
cried the whole week because this integration was,
you need to set aside this false pretense
tenths of a man
and take on this
broken man who is now
being integrated into wholeness.
(18:47):
And let that be the man you are
and the man you show the world. And
are you able to touch into or share
with us
what has that been like? So
you set aside the false pretense tense, you
put away the mask, You show your real
self
What's happened as a result?
It's not all easy.
(19:09):
I think I have looked for an army
of other men
to come alongside and
affirming me.
But I've had to learn how to stand
in my own shoes and stand in my
own masculinity
and allow
that new man
(19:30):
to work and breathe
without approval
I needed my father's approval. I needed other
men's approval, but where I'm at now
and where I am as, I've integrated Hoffman
is
it's okay
for me to feel feelings and how feelings
and have emotions,
(19:51):
but I don't need be affirmed
I can be this man who shows up
in his broken ness.
I can be this man who shows up
in his pain.
And I can be a role model for
other men
about how
to work through their own grief and their
own trauma,
(20:13):
And
what it means
to
be authentic in that space.
You mentioned
show up as this role model in my
pain and allow other men to work through
their grief and their trauma
have you noticed
how do they respond to seeing this
version of you, this real version of you,
(20:35):
how what's the impact on them?
They are moved
because many of them have not had an
opportunity to engage
male authenticity.
Our culture has
so
brutal
masculinity.
And has so
(20:57):
depicted masculinity
as being tough
and
emotion
And so for me to walk into a
room
and for me to share my story.
In it's full
authentic,
masculine
humanity
is for some men, the first time they've
(21:18):
heard it. And the first time they've seen
it.
So
it is very enriching
and
well received well received.
With men that I never thought.
I would have
favor with or interaction with
you're talking about some of
(21:39):
America's
toughest
men who have shot and killed and named
people. Who suddenly said in a room
and listen to my story and find hope
in that.
There have been extraordinary moments. Let's just say.
I mean, what I hear is
our world needs this. Our feminine and masculine
(22:00):
need this. We need to see this
version of masculinity
It's your personal story,
but wow. What a collective impact is having.
Yeah. It is. I would have never thought.
That would come out of my hoffman experience.
I...
There's parts of me that thought
I would,
join an equity firm.
(22:22):
Or I would lead some extraordinary university or
college
that I never thought my hoffman
experience
I I just never thought my
my experience would take me
in in an authentic way
(22:43):
to men who most needed it. And so
I'm thankful
these tears now are not that I'm not
thankful.
I'm so thankful.
I heard at some point because I think
Why wasn't I able to be authentic years
before? Why couldn't not have it embraced this
year's before? But
I can't go back and look at that
(23:04):
all I can do now is learn to
live in the present
and respond to situations in the present.
And learn how
to speak
with
authenticity
integrate it with masculinity?
I can't think of a better way of
describing it right now, but how do we
(23:25):
bring that
authentic mountains that authentic masculinity
yet integrated and balanced with femininity
to some of the toughest places in America.
So that's my challenge, and
I owe it to my Hoffman experience,
allowing the true man to come forward
and to be
(23:46):
be in this space, be with you now
and be in this space.
I have a
belief that
when we do this kind of work
on ourselves,
find ourselves back in the world
members of our community, members of the collective,
(24:07):
more communal focused
and your story is another expression of that.
If I'm hearing it correctly,
it was this thing that you couldn't touch
all your life and maybe you even kept
it secret like you said a mask,
and you kept moving forward and moving forward
and becoming extraordinary in your career and your
(24:28):
profession.
And here's this thing, the source of shame
broke open in the process.
And now it is
continuing to break open, like you said, here
I am still,
it is still unfolding. The work is still
taking place.
But you are touching into 1 of the
hardest parts of our societies
(24:49):
and inspiring them and giving them hope. With
that story that you were maybe once hiding
Most of your life.
E. Yeah. Even to me, pretty extraordinary, I
would have never expected it.
Would have never even
anticipated it, but it also says just how
broken
(25:09):
a part of our culture is, and how
we have marginalized
a group of people that we've labeled
super predators
and they are no different than me
who
are looking for some
affirmation. Someone to say they're good enough. And
when they don't hear that, did they create
(25:30):
their own community, they create their own family,
and that family is so broken, so desperate
partly broken, but they don't know any other
way. And so I can come in and
I can say yes, but there is another
way partly so much of neuroscience today says
that broken
traumatic brains can heal
(25:52):
and broken traumatic people can change
their mindset.
So I can bring Hoffman, though, I don't
specifically say hoffman.
I do talk about how
significant broken
traumatic experiences,
don't have to continue to define us,
(26:13):
that we can change. We can turn.
We can find a whole other direction. And
walked therein in.
I'm moved
by you,
bringing this to this
population. And like you said, I was thinking
an equity firm or a professor in a
college or all these other options, and
something... Was this was this also a surrender
(26:35):
what? What steer you in this direction of
this is how I'm gonna show up in
my authentic mail?
When I went away to some friends in
Oregon
and literally in my integration
I sensed
that this was my purpose,
(26:57):
and this was my opportunity.
I had come in contact with an organization
in Boston,
that worked with this population. And as wendell
ser d moment, when the universe
brings us together for lunch. And as they
were talking,
I felt
my inside, say,
(27:19):
your authentic self will show up here,
and your authentic self will be welcomed here.
You will feel purpose here.
But I have to admit even in that
integration period I fought it because this is
not who I thought I was supposed to
grow up to be.
I thought I was gonna put on this
successful mask. And so I had to turn
(27:40):
around what a success
success is living out of our true
identity,
success is living out of our purpose.
Success is living with purpose and with passion,
And so these guys give me purpose and
passion.
They give me the sense that all have
I've been through
all of that hell
(28:02):
all of that stuff was for purpose
that I can use this truth of my
experience
to say I've been there.
I have felt that.
I know what it feels like to have
a father who doesn't speak to you out
of love and care. I know what that
feels like.
But at the same time,
(28:22):
I can tell them there is
transformation.
There is hope
we can change
we can find another direction to live.
Amazing bernard.
So, yeah. So that's what Hoffman
was for me was
to
allow me to dig deep
to find
(28:43):
that little boy
mature that boy
into masculinity
and manhood
and to say all of that past is
a gift.
That I can give away to other men.
And so I completely turned it around. What
what I once thought was a hell
(29:03):
up upbringing a hell ish life,
pain,
suffering.
I say now those are my gifts.
Those are what I give away.
It it was my training and Hoffman brought
it all together. I I can't say enough
of my experience,
even the parts of
(29:24):
playing
was allowing that little boy
who didn't have
fun
to all of a sudden now have fun.
So it's this week of full
integration of emotion. And feelings and grabbing a
whole of stuff that
you didn't have an opportunity you or life
wouldn't give you perspective
(29:46):
about how to bring it all together.
Suddenly, you have this week and it comes
together.
And we're talking you did this you know,
a little over a year ago. Nope. Not
even almost a year ago.
Almost a year. So within a year,
you experienced this incredible
cracking open
(30:07):
and then
transformation and then a continuous unfolding, and then
having this incredible impact on this group of
people all within a year.
I was ready.
Less than a year. I was ready. Yeah.
You ready. And
I also think there's...
You know, you mentioned a couple things that
(30:28):
I that I have this visual of
little crossroads along the way
where
you had to make the choice conscious or
unconscious
to stay the course.
You know, you said I was looking for
an army of men. That didn't happen. You
still stayed the course. I thought I was
gonna do the success thing. That didn't happen.
(30:48):
You still stayed the course. And that's probably
2 of a hundred examples
of the little crossroads along the way
that
Again, I get this hit of surrender that
that your spirit or you're something kept telling
you move forward, keep going this direction.
Yeah. I do A
check
(31:09):
every day
so that I can have balance
with my intellect, my body
my emotions
and to get a good solid
word for my spirit.
I need that. That is what has kept
me focus
and moving forward.
And I look back in even as you
(31:30):
say, I look back and say,
amazing, how much has happened
in less than a year.
But I was ready,
and I've gotten in touch with a process
that helps me understand
when I'm entering a pattern
how I release that pattern?
How I that goal of
(31:51):
and surrender
and then begin to embrace
my adult masculinity
and say, okay, this is the proper thinking
or this is the proper feeling or are
emotion let's move in that.
Let's settle it that. And so for me,
doing a daily car is
almost my daily
essential
(32:11):
element.
I need to check With Bernard. And make
sure all of Bernard is ready to take
on the day. Yeah. Exactly.
My, Bernard
what a
courageous
and beautiful
story
that you live. That is your life and
(32:32):
what a beautiful
expression
of what happens when when you go into
the work ready and willing.
Agree. I think
none of us can say
we've had
too much
of a painful past
or too much
(32:53):
abuse
or too much trauma.
I hope I can say. I hope I
can speak
to even those who feel they had
no love or no focus certain no family
that there's life on the other side
that when you're ready to change, there is
a process.
(33:13):
And when you wanna find your true self,
there is a way,
and you can connect
with that part of you
that the universe
wants you to connect with. I hope I
can say that to people.
But all you you just did and you
do
in your life.
It's beautiful.
Thank you.
(33:35):
Bernard, thank you so much for being here
and for opening up and for inspiring
all the ears that this lands on and
I
hope it lands on
so many years because this is really
powerful.
And if you ask me what our world
needs
So thank you so much for being here
and for letting us in and for opening
(33:56):
up. I appreciate it. I I would say
as as we close for all of those
who
would like to find a way to support
this work
that they would
set aside whatever funds or efforts that they
can.
Our world needs a process like this.
And I hope we can generate more ways.
(34:18):
And I'm I'm being specific, but I know
all of us needed, but my community,
my desperate community of African American men, who
are so broken.
My heart, my goal, my passion is to
figure out how I take off and deeper
into broken urban communities.
So thank you for this time. I appreciate
(34:39):
it. How lucky our world is to have
you
caring and doing what you're doing.
I'm grateful.
Well, thank you. You filled my heart and
filled many and inspired us all, so thank
you again for bernard my pleasure.
Thank you for listening to our podcast. My
name is Liza and Rossi. I'm the Ceo
(35:00):
and President of Hoffman Institute Foundation.
And I'm Asking Rossi,
Often teacher and founder of the Hop Institute
Foundation.
Our mission is to provide people greater access
to the wisdom and power of love. In
themselves in each other and in the world.
To find out more, please go to Hop
institute. Dot org.
This is 1 of the most touching conversations
I have ever had.
It really showcases the profound impact a process
can have.
After taking the process, my guest, Bernard Franklin,
transformed what once felt like pain and agony
into a gift.
(00:22):
Not only was he able to love himself
and that little boy that he once was,
he was also able to find deep compassion
for his parents.
And when he went back out into the
world after the process.
He became an embodiment
of authentic balanced masculinity.
And with that embodiment,
(00:43):
he actively gives hope to what he calls
our world's toughest men.
This is a beautiful interview with a beautiful
man
prepare to be deeply moved.
Also please be aware this conversation does make
reference to abuse and therefore may not be
suitable for all audiences.
(01:06):
And
Welcome to Lu everyday radius. A podcast brought
to you by the Hoffman Institute.
My name is Sharon Moore, and I'm 1
of your hosts. And on this podcast, we
talked to Hoffman graduates
about how their courageous journey inward
(01:29):
impacted their personal lives, but also
how it impacted their community and the world
at large.
So tune in and listen in and hear
how our graduates authentic selves, how their love,
how their spirits
are making a positive impact on our world
today.
In other words, get to know their loves
(01:49):
everyday radius
Alright Bernard. Welcome to the show. Thank you.
It's great to be with you. Well, let's
start with the Hoffman process.
When did you take the process?
And what was it that led you there?
I took the process in June
(02:10):
of last year in Connecticut.
I remember pretty vividly
going to the website the first time.
And seeing the words
when you're serious about change,
I was a man who
had
blocked
lots of
emotions, lots of feelings,
(02:31):
lots of energy
and
all of those channels were ready
to explode.
To come on blue.
I was ready. I had no idea. Honestly,
I had no idea what I was getting
into
those words just penetrated me.
When you're ready for sirius james. It's like
(02:54):
okay.
I'm ready, but I don't know what I'm
getting into. So I went to Connecticut
talk about surrender. And when you went there,
were you aware that these channels were ready
to explode or you just knew something needed
to shift. I was really unsettled.
I don't know what a nervous breakdown feels
like,
(03:14):
but I was
I was shaky. I was,
I was not myself. I wasn't feeling comfortable
in my skin any longer.
I couldn't
pretend to be good and fine.
And well,
I had arrived at the world's best
(03:35):
educational
institution,
and
at the height of my life at the
height of my career,
here I was a month after arriving
feeling
that I I needed something, but I didn't
know exactly what I needed.
But I knew that
all of my cylinders
(03:55):
were
were off.
And what was the process like for you?
It was
excruciating to begin with.
I say that
and I have to interject. I have to
bring in
not just my mail in this, but my
being African American male,
(04:16):
I was
conscious,
probably hyper vigilant
of where I was going and what I
was doing.
I had an idea that going to rural
Connecticut would be all
white.
So I was
immediately
feeling
bad anxiety.
And as we drove from the train
(04:38):
riding in an Uber
deeper into rural Connecticut
the fear and the anxiety continued to rise.
So we arrive, and I get out and
met by the staff and so forth it
make my way to my room and it's
(04:58):
What can I say? It's it's a lonely
space
because you don't know you're in a strange
place.
You don't know anyone. And so you settle
in and
trust that the universe has a plan and
a purpose for you,
but you don't know. So
you surrender to where you're at and surrender
(05:19):
to those moments.
And
I was red I mean, I what more
can I say? I I was ready, though
it was
painfully awkward.
And so you said excruciating to begin with,
and then did that
evolve into something else?
Well, yes. So we get to the first
event.
(05:40):
And
how how do I say
I arrive in the room, and the room
is set up
with chairs
and
with our name tag or name plate on
the chair
and
my chair is at the end of the
first row
(06:01):
in the back.
I had
an immediate visceral
reaction of being back in middle school
whereas
an
advanced African American
in this a middle school, all of my
class
rooms had
(06:22):
franklin
at the end of the first row
in the back.
The only black hit, and you look at
it back and you think no, why did
my teachers say to themselves?
How do we integrate this boy? How do
we bring this boy into the culture and
the community?
It wasn't so thin,
(06:44):
but to get to it years later and
the still the same
positioned the same culture
happens again,
I remember saying to myself kind of processing
that sitting there
you were a boy once, and you didn't
say anything.
You're a man now, and it's time for
(07:05):
you to speak up.
And so I went to my teacher, and
I I can't stay here.
I this is this is...
This is... I can't do this. III
need to go,
and
my teacher was just calm. Just just a
sweet man just
(07:27):
recognize recognized that I was in pain, and
I was frustrated
and
said, well,
maybe there's something more here. Maybe there's something
more to the story. Maybe
maybe there's a there's something to unfold here.
Would you trust the process?
And everything in me said wanted to say,
(07:47):
hell, no. I'm not trusting in this process.
So I'm gonna... I'm gonna leave I'm gonna
get out of here, but I think it
was the manner and the way that my
teacher engaged me.
That touched my humanity touched my heart and
touched that spot that said, wait. Wait. Wait.
There might be something more here
(08:08):
that you need to
process.
And so I went back to my room
and I stayed
stayed overnight.
And you mentioned that
1 of the inner conversations you had with
yourself was,
you know, you were once a boy and
you didn't speak up You're now a man.
It's time to speak up.
(08:29):
Would you say that was 1 of the
first times you spoke up
in that way?
And that way, yes.
And to be honest with you, I I'm
not quite sure
why I did other than
maybe
being hyper vigilant being so aware,
it brought me to that place. But, yes,
(08:49):
there just times when I've been
more compliant, kinda role with the culture role
with where I've been,
having grown up with a very demanding father
who did not
provide me opportunities to express myself.
Very cold, very calculating,
(09:10):
very dismissive,
didn't receive love from his father,
and was incapable of showing me love.
I didn't have that so. I lived under
a tight rule
went through school pretty much that same way.
So, yes, I'd lived a pretty compliant life
fall in line, do what's required do what's
(09:32):
necessary to get ahead,
but I don't know if this was a
moment where
I just couldn't do that
to and I spoke out of my belly.
I spoke out of my stomach. I spoke
out of that inner part of me that
said,
This is time for you to speak up.
This is time for you
to
express how you feel.
(09:53):
It's interesting because you say, I don't know.
You know, why I did it,
but I did.
And what I heard you say earlier was
when you felt like you were ready,
you
had a surrender. You you you said I'm
going to surrender when a surrender to the
moments I'm gonna a surrender to this.
And maybe in that surrender was what guided
(10:14):
you to
to speak up in this way? That's a
good point. It is j the position. If
you look at it, if you're ready to
change
why not just sit through it?
Why not just say, well, these are circumstances,
but I'm... I won't change so bad. I'll
do whatever it takes to to get there.
(10:35):
My position was, what if this is what
I have to go through to get to
change, I'm not saying it,
which was this this strange
push and pull
just the position of of saying,
I want change, but this is uncomfortable
to be the only black in this room
and at the back of the room, and
(10:56):
I'm leaving.
But to have someone who was skilled enough
to say,
But, yeah, there could be something more here.
You had that experience. You spoke up, you
were held and seen by your teacher you
stayed.
And then what what happened in the process
for you?
(11:16):
Well, then we talked about... We introduced ourselves
and I made the introduction that how uncomfortable
it was for me to be in this...
Base and in present and to be the
only 1.
And again, I'm saying this in ways that
I... That's not typically how I handle
(11:37):
race and culture. I've been 1 to
ride with it and just smooth it over.
But for whatever reason, I couldn't and I
have to interject because I want our listeners
to understand
this is being said, I love
and out of where I am out of
my position and out of my place.
(11:58):
I think there were some in my group
who heard other words or other things and
perhaps took offense or were wounded by those
words, but that was not my intent.
My intent was coming out of my own
story coming out of my own experience of
being
the only kid, the left out kid, the
kid that no 1 talks to the kid
(12:20):
that no 1 interacts with
or the kid that's working really hard to
get good grades and to be
you know, this the smart kid, but still
always on the outside.
And so that's that's what I was attempting
to say is I think I wanna grow
up. I want a tutor, I wanna be...
I wanna say how I feel
(12:42):
and own that feeling.
And has that
stayed with you this this ability to
not just feel the feelings, but also
express what you're feeling in your life post
process?
Yes. Yes, it has. It has stayed.
There was a little boy
before
who was so submissive,
(13:04):
so broken,
not
given
compassion.
Not told he was enough. He was good
enough. He was present.
I wasn't seen by my dad. I wasn't
loved by my dad. I wasn't encouraged by
my dad.
My dad said I would never amount to
(13:24):
anything. I wasn't worth a nickel.
So through my process,
of course, you know, we spent time with
my mom, spent time with my dad.
And I had done some of that work
before, but I think I came into a
deeper place of recognizing
my dad gave me all he had
my parents were share. They picked cotton.
(13:46):
And at that time,
their lives weren't about family systems or healthy
families. They about survival.
They did enough to keep us alive and
to keep the family moving forward but it
wasn't about learning how to be a good
loving father.
My mother learning how to be a good
(14:06):
loving mother. I mean, it was it was
about survival. So looking back on it. I
could look back and and say, they gave
me what they had.
And so my process
at Hoffman was really around accepting that and
really embracing that really, really deeply
and saying,
that black family did what they could with
(14:28):
what they had.
Yeah. So almost going through that, you landed
in a deeper place
compassion like you say, you accepted it, but
really, really embrace it deeply. It's a different
level of acceptance than you may have had
before. Yes.
Yes much deeper.
And coming to the place, I think,
in a realistic way where I could love
(14:49):
my dad
and love my mom.
You know, even parts of this,
even now is hard to express, but my
dad came back from the Korean war, heroin
addicted
and
they married. And I think what really happened
was it trapped my dad.
And my dad didn't wanna be married. But
(15:11):
now all of a sudden he's married, having
come back from the war, your hair addicted,
you had If you could say a great
time a wartime,
he described how the Korean women really loved
African American men.
And so he had... I think this kind
of fascination of maybe,
and probably some Suave,
(15:32):
he would be this single guy that would
have fun, and
it didn't quite work out that way. And
then here I come and
that's not what he wanted. So
My childhood was really a lot of that
resentment and a lot of his
anger toward me.
Lot of abuse, lots of
(15:54):
lots of abuse, I I'll I'll say it
that way. So
Hoffman was a way to really go deep
into that space
and really own a lot of that pain
that I hadn't expressed
and really clean it out
and begin to let the little boy who
wasn't seen wasn't heard.
Now finally have an opportunity.
(16:17):
To be heard to be seen.
How was all of this
unfolded in your life, you went back to
this?
You mentioned you were at, you know, the
height of this career and 1 of the
best universities and suddenly hitting this cross of.
I can't go on something needs to change.
You have this powerful experience at the process
what's it like when you go back home
(16:38):
to your life?
It continues.
The unfolding continues
Because now
it's not about
trying to look good or
if we were to
describe it in terms of
places and positions just
extraordinary
(16:58):
the things that I've done, and it's amazing
that looking back even now, but especially at
my my site,
how in the world I survived
worked really hard
ballot torn of my high school,
first African American student body president,
all this enormous stuff therapists for an Nfl
(17:22):
football team just enormous,
but it wasn't
who
I really am
And so after Hoffman,
I went to visit friends to
really begin to integrate the process.
And in integrating, I realized that there
(17:43):
was work for me to do
to take my authentic self.
To broken men in the streets who
haven't had a role model, who haven't had
a father, who haven't had a man. So
I wrestled with
do I remain
with my mask on
a man who appears to be successful
(18:05):
but doesn't show his scars or doesn't show
his wounds,
and I couldn't do that anymore.
It felt like it was time for me
to
not hide anymore. How I grew up
my pain, my difficulties.
It was time for me to own this
(18:26):
journey.
And so I did, literally, I went and
cried the whole week because this integration was,
you need to set aside this false pretense
tenths of a man
and take on this
broken man who is now
being integrated into wholeness.
(18:47):
And let that be the man you are
and the man you show the world. And
are you able to touch into or share
with us
what has that been like? So
you set aside the false pretense tense, you
put away the mask, You show your real
self
What's happened as a result?
It's not all easy.
(19:09):
I think I have looked for an army
of other men
to come alongside and
affirming me.
But I've had to learn how to stand
in my own shoes and stand in my
own masculinity
and allow
that new man
(19:30):
to work and breathe
without approval
I needed my father's approval. I needed other
men's approval, but where I'm at now
and where I am as, I've integrated Hoffman
is
it's okay
for me to feel feelings and how feelings
and have emotions,
(19:51):
but I don't need be affirmed
I can be this man who shows up
in his broken ness.
I can be this man who shows up
in his pain.
And I can be a role model for
other men
about how
to work through their own grief and their
own trauma,
(20:13):
And
what it means
to
be authentic in that space.
You mentioned
show up as this role model in my
pain and allow other men to work through
their grief and their trauma
have you noticed
how do they respond to seeing this
version of you, this real version of you,
(20:35):
how what's the impact on them?
They are moved
because many of them have not had an
opportunity to engage
male authenticity.
Our culture has
so
brutal
masculinity.
And has so
(20:57):
depicted masculinity
as being tough
and
emotion
And so for me to walk into a
room
and for me to share my story.
In it's full
authentic,
masculine
humanity
is for some men, the first time they've
(21:18):
heard it. And the first time they've seen
it.
So
it is very enriching
and
well received well received.
With men that I never thought.
I would have
favor with or interaction with
you're talking about some of
(21:39):
America's
toughest
men who have shot and killed and named
people. Who suddenly said in a room
and listen to my story and find hope
in that.
There have been extraordinary moments. Let's just say.
I mean, what I hear is
our world needs this. Our feminine and masculine
(22:00):
need this. We need to see this
version of masculinity
It's your personal story,
but wow. What a collective impact is having.
Yeah. It is. I would have never thought.
That would come out of my hoffman experience.
I...
There's parts of me that thought
I would,
join an equity firm.
(22:22):
Or I would lead some extraordinary university or
college
that I never thought my hoffman
experience
I I just never thought my
my experience would take me
in in an authentic way
(22:43):
to men who most needed it. And so
I'm thankful
these tears now are not that I'm not
thankful.
I'm so thankful.
I heard at some point because I think
Why wasn't I able to be authentic years
before? Why couldn't not have it embraced this
year's before? But
I can't go back and look at that
(23:04):
all I can do now is learn to
live in the present
and respond to situations in the present.
And learn how
to speak
with
authenticity
integrate it with masculinity?
I can't think of a better way of
describing it right now, but how do we
(23:25):
bring that
authentic mountains that authentic masculinity
yet integrated and balanced with femininity
to some of the toughest places in America.
So that's my challenge, and
I owe it to my Hoffman experience,
allowing the true man to come forward
and to be
(23:46):
be in this space, be with you now
and be in this space.
I have a
belief that
when we do this kind of work
on ourselves,
find ourselves back in the world
members of our community, members of the collective,
(24:07):
more communal focused
and your story is another expression of that.
If I'm hearing it correctly,
it was this thing that you couldn't touch
all your life and maybe you even kept
it secret like you said a mask,
and you kept moving forward and moving forward
and becoming extraordinary in your career and your
(24:28):
profession.
And here's this thing, the source of shame
broke open in the process.
And now it is
continuing to break open, like you said, here
I am still,
it is still unfolding. The work is still
taking place.
But you are touching into 1 of the
hardest parts of our societies
(24:49):
and inspiring them and giving them hope. With
that story that you were maybe once hiding
Most of your life.
E. Yeah. Even to me, pretty extraordinary, I
would have never expected it.
Would have never even
anticipated it, but it also says just how
broken
(25:09):
a part of our culture is, and how
we have marginalized
a group of people that we've labeled
super predators
and they are no different than me
who
are looking for some
affirmation. Someone to say they're good enough. And
when they don't hear that, did they create
(25:30):
their own community, they create their own family,
and that family is so broken, so desperate
partly broken, but they don't know any other
way. And so I can come in and
I can say yes, but there is another
way partly so much of neuroscience today says
that broken
traumatic brains can heal
(25:52):
and broken traumatic people can change
their mindset.
So I can bring Hoffman, though, I don't
specifically say hoffman.
I do talk about how
significant broken
traumatic experiences,
don't have to continue to define us,
(26:13):
that we can change. We can turn.
We can find a whole other direction. And
walked therein in.
I'm moved
by you,
bringing this to this
population. And like you said, I was thinking
an equity firm or a professor in a
college or all these other options, and
something... Was this was this also a surrender
(26:35):
what? What steer you in this direction of
this is how I'm gonna show up in
my authentic mail?
When I went away to some friends in
Oregon
and literally in my integration
I sensed
that this was my purpose,
(26:57):
and this was my opportunity.
I had come in contact with an organization
in Boston,
that worked with this population. And as wendell
ser d moment, when the universe
brings us together for lunch. And as they
were talking,
I felt
my inside, say,
(27:19):
your authentic self will show up here,
and your authentic self will be welcomed here.
You will feel purpose here.
But I have to admit even in that
integration period I fought it because this is
not who I thought I was supposed to
grow up to be.
I thought I was gonna put on this
successful mask. And so I had to turn
(27:40):
around what a success
success is living out of our true
identity,
success is living out of our purpose.
Success is living with purpose and with passion,
And so these guys give me purpose and
passion.
They give me the sense that all have
I've been through
all of that hell
(28:02):
all of that stuff was for purpose
that I can use this truth of my
experience
to say I've been there.
I have felt that.
I know what it feels like to have
a father who doesn't speak to you out
of love and care. I know what that
feels like.
But at the same time,
(28:22):
I can tell them there is
transformation.
There is hope
we can change
we can find another direction to live.
Amazing bernard.
So, yeah. So that's what Hoffman
was for me was
to
allow me to dig deep
to find
(28:43):
that little boy
mature that boy
into masculinity
and manhood
and to say all of that past is
a gift.
That I can give away to other men.
And so I completely turned it around. What
what I once thought was a hell
(29:03):
up upbringing a hell ish life,
pain,
suffering.
I say now those are my gifts.
Those are what I give away.
It it was my training and Hoffman brought
it all together. I I can't say enough
of my experience,
even the parts of
(29:24):
playing
was allowing that little boy
who didn't have
fun
to all of a sudden now have fun.
So it's this week of full
integration of emotion. And feelings and grabbing a
whole of stuff that
you didn't have an opportunity you or life
wouldn't give you perspective
(29:46):
about how to bring it all together.
Suddenly, you have this week and it comes
together.
And we're talking you did this you know,
a little over a year ago. Nope. Not
even almost a year ago.
Almost a year. So within a year,
you experienced this incredible
cracking open
(30:07):
and then
transformation and then a continuous unfolding, and then
having this incredible impact on this group of
people all within a year.
I was ready.
Less than a year. I was ready. Yeah.
You ready. And
I also think there's...
You know, you mentioned a couple things that
(30:28):
I that I have this visual of
little crossroads along the way
where
you had to make the choice conscious or
unconscious
to stay the course.
You know, you said I was looking for
an army of men. That didn't happen. You
still stayed the course. I thought I was
gonna do the success thing. That didn't happen.
(30:48):
You still stayed the course. And that's probably
2 of a hundred examples
of the little crossroads along the way
that
Again, I get this hit of surrender that
that your spirit or you're something kept telling
you move forward, keep going this direction.
Yeah. I do A
check
(31:09):
every day
so that I can have balance
with my intellect, my body
my emotions
and to get a good solid
word for my spirit.
I need that. That is what has kept
me focus
and moving forward.
And I look back in even as you
(31:30):
say, I look back and say,
amazing, how much has happened
in less than a year.
But I was ready,
and I've gotten in touch with a process
that helps me understand
when I'm entering a pattern
how I release that pattern?
How I that goal of
(31:51):
and surrender
and then begin to embrace
my adult masculinity
and say, okay, this is the proper thinking
or this is the proper feeling or are
emotion let's move in that.
Let's settle it that. And so for me,
doing a daily car is
almost my daily
essential
(32:11):
element.
I need to check With Bernard. And make
sure all of Bernard is ready to take
on the day. Yeah. Exactly.
My, Bernard
what a
courageous
and beautiful
story
that you live. That is your life and
(32:32):
what a beautiful
expression
of what happens when when you go into
the work ready and willing.
Agree. I think
none of us can say
we've had
too much
of a painful past
or too much
(32:53):
abuse
or too much trauma.
I hope I can say. I hope I
can speak
to even those who feel they had
no love or no focus certain no family
that there's life on the other side
that when you're ready to change, there is
a process.
(33:13):
And when you wanna find your true self,
there is a way,
and you can connect
with that part of you
that the universe
wants you to connect with. I hope I
can say that to people.
But all you you just did and you
do
in your life.
It's beautiful.
Thank you.
(33:35):
Bernard, thank you so much for being here
and for opening up and for inspiring
all the ears that this lands on and
I
hope it lands on
so many years because this is really
powerful.
And if you ask me what our world
needs
So thank you so much for being here
and for letting us in and for opening
(33:56):
up. I appreciate it. I I would say
as as we close for all of those
who
would like to find a way to support
this work
that they would
set aside whatever funds or efforts that they
can.
Our world needs a process like this.
And I hope we can generate more ways.
(34:18):
And I'm I'm being specific, but I know
all of us needed, but my community,
my desperate community of African American men, who
are so broken.
My heart, my goal, my passion is to
figure out how I take off and deeper
into broken urban communities.
So thank you for this time. I appreciate
(34:39):
it. How lucky our world is to have
you
caring and doing what you're doing.
I'm grateful.
Well, thank you. You filled my heart and
filled many and inspired us all, so thank
you again for bernard my pleasure.
Thank you for listening to our podcast. My
name is Liza and Rossi. I'm the Ceo
(35:00):
and President of Hoffman Institute Foundation.
And I'm Asking Rossi,
Often teacher and founder of the Hop Institute
Foundation.
Our mission is to provide people greater access
to the wisdom and power of love. In
themselves in each other and in the world.
To find out more, please go to Hop
institute. Dot org.
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