S6e5: Kurt “Big Boy” Alexander – Coming to Know Kurt

Kurt "Big Boy" Alexander, The Voice of L.A. and the host of the wildly successful “Big Boy’s Neighborhood," did the Hoffman Process in July of 2022. There are many themes in this beautiful conversation with Kurt and Drew. One theme is Kurt's realization that he knew very well who "Big Boy" is but didn't know who Kurt really is. He continues to be determined to do the deep work to come to know Kurt. Another theme is the power of coming to see the unconscious and compulsive patterns we adopt to navigate our family systems and survive the difficulties of childhood. Kurt never knew his father so logically it would make sense that he didn't even know where to begin to name the patterns he adopted from his dad. As you'll hear, the very nature of absence creates deep unconscious patterning. Kurt's story of how he came to see these patterns in his Process is poignant and tender. This conversation spirals through layers of understanding, echoing the nature of transformational work. As it goes deeper, the understanding Kurt shares about his life and who he is does, too. His generosity of Spirit shines through as his vulnerability gives us a glimpse into both his inner child and his Spiritual Self. More About Kurt "Big Boy" Alexander: “Big Boy” was born in Chicago and moved to California at the age of two. He became acquainted with the music world while DJing at parties.  Today, “Big Boy” is The Voice of L.A. and the host of the wildly successful “Big Boy’s Neighborhood,” every morning on iHeart Media’s Real 92.3 the home of Hip Hop music in Los Angeles.   He has dominated the ratings in all of the timeslots he has occupied ever since he first started his career in radio, from nights, afternoons, and mornings.  The National Association of Broadcasters has recognized “Big Boy”s exceptional talent with the Marconi Award, a very rare three times. He is also an awarded member of the Radio Hall of Fame. “Big Boy” has been featured on many television shows including “Keeping Up With The Kardashians” and “HBO’s Entourage.” He also debuted his own radio station in the wildly successful “Grand Theft Auto” video game and his YouTube channel, “BigBoyTV” has more than 200 million views of celebrity interviews. Along with various other charity work, “Big Boy” stepped up for his community during the COVID-19 pandemic. He fed hundreds of frontline essential workers at hospitals all over Los Angeles. As Mentioned in this Episode: Augie Johnson & Side Effect "Side Effect was an American disco and jazz-funk band that recorded between 1972 and 1982. The group was formed in Los Angeles, California in 1972 by Augie Johnson who became their leader." Rick Dees "Rigdon Osmond Dees III..., best known as Rick Dees, is an American entertainer, radio personality, comedian, actor, and voice artist, best known for his internationally syndicated radio show The Rick Dees Weekly Top 40 Countdown and for the 1976 satirical novelty song "Disco Duck". Scooter Braun "Scott Samuel "Scooter" Braun..., is an American record executive, talent agent, and entrepreneur. Known as the manager for artists such as Ariana Grande, Justin Bieber..." Listen to Scott 'Scooter' Braun on the Hoffman Podcast The Hoffman App The transformational journey to discovering your authentic self does not end after the completion of a Hoffman program. Rather, it is just beginning. That is why we created this app, full of guidance, practices, and visualizations to inspire and help you achieve your personal goals. We like to think of it as “Hoffman in your pocket. Version one of our app is only available in the iOS App Store for all devices, but the same 30-day integration program is available here, on a mobile-optimized page, for all operating systems. Coming off the hill... Kurt is referring to our beautiful new retreat site in Petaluma, California. Our center sits atop a hill on 180 acres. Surrounded by nature, Hoffman Process students spend their seven days held ...

Episode Transcript

(00:02):
Kurt Alexander, AKA big boy
is the guest today
I'm just so grateful
for people that come on grads, who come
on and tell their story,
share their childhood,
and
their present day life, talk about their process
and life after the process.

(00:24):
What a gift this
conversation is, and Kurt radio
So you'll hear his beautiful radio voice and
all the great radio verbiage he brings to
this
conversation rarely do. I talk people who are
in the same field, the podcasting radio world.
So enjoy this
episode with Kurt Alexander.

(00:46):
To
Welcome to Loves
everyday radius.
Podcast brought to you about the Hoffman
Institute. My name is Drew Horn.
And on this podcast, we catch up with
graduates of the process.
And have a conversation with them about how

(01:09):
their work in the process
is informing their life outside of the process.
How their spirit and how their love are
living in the world around them, their everyday
radius.
Everybody. Welcome to the Hoffman podcast, Kurt Alexander

(01:30):
AKA big boy is with us welcome
Big boy. Thank you for the welcome, Drew.
How are you doing, man? I'm doing great.
How are you? You know, I'm good. I'm
good, man. Good day. You know how I'm
in a good place, so I'm good. You're
ready for this conversation. Yeah. You know what?
I wouldn't be here if I if I
wasn't ready. Now if if, you know, we

(01:51):
were
planning to try to do this before. And,
you know, and I told you then, I
say, man, You know what? I don't think
I'm ready for that. And here we are
today. Yeah. So this is your field. You're
the guy usually asking the questions host of
big boys neighborhood. You have a star on
the Hollywood walk of fame. You've been in
movies and Tv shows.

(02:12):
Your big boys neighborhood is nationally
syndicated across the nation. And you've been in
this business for
almost 3 decades. Is that right? Yeah. Not
coming up on year 29 in, like,
think May, may July May and July is
my first actual contract that I got for
radio. Supposed to have been 1 night and

(02:33):
I stretched it. Well,
you mean your first contract was for 1
night. It wasn't even a contract. It was
just more of a... Would you like to
try a radio, and they were like we,
you know, come in, try it for 1
night, and we'll pay you 35 dollars an
hour for 4 hours, and I'm thinking okay.
Well, I'll go in and make, you know,
this 35 dollars for 4 hours and that
was gonna be my radio career. And, you

(02:54):
know, it... I traced it into almost 30
years now. I imagine you have had some
great
conversations. A lot of your stuff is up
on Youtube and now you you film and
video most of it, but what's it like
to be the guy asking the questions bringing
in great guests to
converse with? You know, it... It's good because

(03:17):
when I do an interview, it's not just
you know,
the new album,
and who produced it, the new movie? How
was it working with such and such? And
we get
into real conversations. You know, I have fun,
and we have... You know, it's light, but
we get into real
conversations as well. And what I've... I find

(03:37):
myself, I find myself doing a lot is
having
conversations where not only am I talking to
that person,
but I'm talking to or talking to me.
You know what I'm saying? Like, like, I
I can never give someone some kind of
advice or speak with anyone
without saying, well, you know what? You need
to subscribe to that. You know, you need...
So when I'm having these conversations, it's it's

(04:00):
about them
but we get this 1 either a common
ground common chord we're just kinda just speaking
with each other. And I think that makes
the the best dialogue. It's not about product.
You know, it's about the person.
Beautiful. You. So so you're in there as
well learning, growing, using yourself. Oh, yeah. So,

(04:21):
you know, in your interim, we didn't even
talk about your
auto geography,
what's the name of it, big boys?
Yeah. It's called a big boy and l
life, staying big at half the size.
Big boy, an xl life staying big. At
half the size, which has sold lots of
copies and is very popular, lots of reviews,

(04:44):
good
stuff,
And so let's go there. There's... I'm so
excited for this conversation. Take us to your
childhood,
and the emergence
of big boy. What was it like for
you
growing up? Can you share a little bit
of context of your early
life as a as a little guy. Oh,

(05:04):
definitely.
I'm 1 of 7. I'm the 6
born
I have a baby sister about the name
of Nicole. But, yeah, It was... You know,
my mom I had a beautiful person and
single parent. And when I say single parent,
I mean,
totally single. You know, there wasn't a time
that I could remember, like, oh, you know,

(05:24):
my dad or my dad was there a
a voice of a image or smell
So just growing up, it was always us.
I don't have, like,
cousins
have 1 uncle, but it wasn't, like, I
or we weren't close to him. So when
we say to Alexander family the Alexander unit.
That was just us. It was us 8.

(05:46):
You know, it was my mom and and
7 kids in, you know, of course,
with of of single parent,
only 1 that's kinda bringing in money into
the household,
you did have a lot of, you know,
there wasn't a thing called extra money. It
was like, you know, you just kinda live
paycheck to paycheck, and it it wasn't a

(06:08):
lot of extras, even though at the time,
I didn't know
how so called broke we were or how,
you know, with our
financial grounding and standings were because
What we didn't have in money, I always
felt that we were so a affluent, so
rich in love. You know, with the hugs
in I love use and my mom was

(06:30):
very emotional. So growing up, we did have
a household full of love of love.
It was just a materialistic things. They weren't
there, we went through some bout of homelessness.
But as far as growing up, you know,
it wasn't what you have now. You know,
everybody didn't have a thousand streams and 500
satellite channels and, you know, multiple... Things that

(06:52):
could take you away. We entertained ourselves.
You know, I will put on talent shows
in the house. I was always
the kid,
that was that was talented. I knew that
I wanted to do something. I always told
my mom that I was gonna be famous.
You know? And I said that from
early as it's kindergarten 5 years of age.
I knew it. And so you became a

(07:15):
bit of the entertainer given there wasn't that
kind of rampant
social media and channels to choose from... It
was it was the big boy channel. Yeah.
It was like, you know, it it was
me. It was me. The entertainer. It was
me singing and dancing and telling jokes and,
you know, and I think that was like
a lot of my tuition into the school

(07:36):
of experience for what I do now. And
are there were there moments that that stand
out for you that were particularly painful around
poverty?
You know when you're going through it,
not as much. You know, because
you see your peers
are pretty much doing the same thing, and

(07:58):
and I didn't see a lot of
things that kind of.
Drew me into a different direction where it
was like, oh, was such and such has
this, and I don't. It... You know, of
course, it was times when if you wanted
a certain kind of shoe, you didn't get
that kind of shoe. You didn't you went
to Jc, and you got, you know, winners
instead of converse. You know what I'm saying?

(08:18):
And a lot of meals are at home.
It it wasn't like, when you look back
at it now, in your rearview view mirror,
you do kinda see a lot of things
that you grew up
without.
But at the moment,
it wasn't times I was like, I can't
believe that, you know, we're broke I can't
believe this. You know, it was just
the... As as a kid that's just how

(08:40):
I you rode with it? And so how
did the name big boy emerge? And
share a little bit about,
I guess you shared on the role of
being the entertainer,
but when did that nickname first come to
you? Well, big boy came about.
When I was about 15 years of age,
there was a gentleman by the name of

(09:01):
Argue Johnson rest in peace and Argue Johnson
was in a... A group called side effect.
And, Au would always tell me Drew, he
would say, man, man, you know Bro, gonna
be a star. You're gonna be a star.
You're gonna be a star,
and I didn't have a dad
that said, you're gonna be a star. And
I never looked at all as of father
figure because I didn't put people in that

(09:22):
position. But once I went to Hoffman,
and once I started doing the work I
was like damn. Yeah. All was like a
dad to me. He was a father figure
to me. He believed me. My mom believed
him me as well, but I never had...
Someone
outside of my household.
That believed
so much friends, buddies, everybody with, like, all,

(09:43):
Kurt you're gonna do alright, Kirk Kirk. You're
gonna be fine. But this was a guy
that took an interest in me.
And
he would always tell me, like, hey, man.
You're gonna be a star. You're gonna be
a star. So at that time, I had
a different rap name, a different Dj name
because I would... I did, like, mobile disc
jo, you know, the 2 turntable the mixer
and things of that nature.

(10:04):
And so I got this project through, Au
Johnson.
And I'm not sure if you're familiar with
a radio personality as well by the name
of Rick These.
Au worked with Rick d's.
So we got this project that we were
doing with Rick Deeds, but Argue would always
tell me like, man. We... We need to
record a record on you need to do
is you need to be an actor.
And so he said, man, we need to

(10:26):
start calling you Big boy. And I'm thinking
like, a big boy. You know what I'm
saying? Like, why? Big boy.
And he was, like, when someone walk into
a room, you want them to know exactly
who you are, brother. When they walk in
the room, you want them to know exactly
who you are. And so he just start
calling me Big boy. And when I did
the project,
I did the project under Kurt Big boy,

(10:46):
Alexander. So big boy, has been there since
I was 15 years of age.
I imagine that you took that on, and
it was in reference to your personality to
your... Size,
you you write a book about an excel
life.
There's a part of you that really claimed
this and stepped into this. Is that True.

(11:07):
What was that like? Oh, yeah. I was
I was big boy
proud.
I was, you know, that that was me.
I was the
I was the big guy. I was, you
know, and big boy,
it was, like big boy got big and
big and big. Big and bigger and bigger
and bigger and bigger and anybody that follow

(11:27):
my story which we're we're shared today, you
know, then it got to pretty much the
biggest boy and you know, I really kind
of
became
this big boy person,
and it started from this
15 year old doing a project with Rick
D, 15, 16 years of age and, you
know, dj n and do mobile parties to,

(11:48):
you know,
fast forward into radio, and then the big
boy thing just kinda took off.
And I felt like that was always
me.
And to this day, I'm still big boy
even though I've lost 300 pounds,
but big boy has always been me and
it's always been something that I felt.

(12:09):
Like, it was empowering to me. Until I
went and did a lot of work on
me as well. And I don't run from
Big boy.
But I also had to understand that at
1 point, you know, like, man, were you
as happy
as
you said or thought you were. And that
was a lot of the work that I

(12:30):
did, you know, with the process as well.
Yeah. So let's let's go there. So... Big
boy heads
into the process,
only
you're called Kurt. Right? Because that's your childhood
name.
Why did you take the process? What was
the pain point that brought you to the
work?
You know it was...

(12:51):
You know, for 1 thing you get so
comfortable in your skin, sometimes you you you
tell yourself you don't need the work.
But I started to peel off these layers.
When I first wrote my book. I peeled
off layers, And I thought I peeled off
layers where I was like, oh my god.
I'm saying in a whole lot.
And so whenever you arrive, you kinda arrived,

(13:11):
Like, when my mom passed away at the
age of 57,
I didn't get my health together. It was
1 of those things where everything is not
like an instant light switch. With me always
call it a dimmer.
And so with me, it was more of
that dimmer
started to
light up whatever it is. Not the room,
but light up Kurt lighten big boy putting

(13:32):
this light on where I'm starting to see
certain things. And I'm like, okay. You know
what? You can't handle all this by yourself.
Everything is not so called
okay. You know? And so I
was already kinda like looking and, you know,
doing
small bits of therapy and and talking to
myself and doing writings and 1 day, man.

(13:54):
I just had a meeting
with with scooter with scooter Braun.
And I took some guys over there from
Japan to meet with him
about some business venture. It wasn't even about
me and working on me.
If you know scooter, scooter doesn't waste any
time doing business. He did the business, and
we just started talking.

(14:15):
And he was talking about his life, and
I've known scooter for years. So scooter started
speaking up in his life and where he's
at on a so forth he start bringing
up half from an institute the process and
he doesn't
understand what he's
striking in me. He couldn't have known
how much attention I was paying

(14:36):
to his words and his dialogue and his
manner and his face in the way his
eyes looked in. He just looked so clear,
and it wasn't about scooter that, you know,
Taylor Swift and and Justin Bieber and Usher.
It wasn't about fat. It wasn't about this
professional guy with all these accolades. He looked
happy as Scott.

(14:58):
And that's what brought me into this conversation
even more so. So
I was like, ma'am. I gotta go. I
gotta go. I didn't have to think on
it hard because you just drew you just
know when something is good for your soul.
And I felt like
I
need

(15:18):
that. So I started, you know, doing some
research I kept in touch with scooter,
you know, went through the necessary, you know,
channels in the process of doing the process,
and
it was something that I just felt like
I had to do. And it's crazy too
drew because
sometimes,
you don't wanna meet yourself.

(15:40):
It was times when I was filling out
the, you know, just the application and... And
just everything.
Where there were times when I would have
to stop
and back away from
the questionnaire
and do it. And I was like, oh,
my God, You know, what's on the next
page?
That idea that sometimes
you don't really wanna actually even meet yourself

(16:03):
and that
homework, the pre you were doing,
sounds like it was
forcing
a meeting
between
you and you that was hard to take.
Yeah. You know, because I'm the happy guy.
And not that I'm sad or... But I'm
the happy guy. Do you know what I'm
saying? And and I think what we do
a lot

(16:24):
is we send the representative.
And for Hoffman Institute in the process,
I couldn't send the representative.
Say a little bit more about that, Kurt,
because I think you're onto to something. This
is really good.
Because I think all of us on some
level send that representative,
tell us about your representative

(16:45):
as it relate to who you really are.
You know,
my representative is
Kurt. It's big boy. It's the the funny
guys. The
everything is gonna be alright. You know, it's
the...
Everybody has problems, but I don't wanna put
my problems on you. It's like when you...
When someone goes to anything, your first

(17:07):
date and your few dates, your first job
and working somewhere,
you send this person in,
that's like, oh my god. This this person
is amazing.
And then you start after a while, you
start seeing the flaws, or you start seeing,
you know, character traits and things that had
nature that you didn't see before because the
representative was there, making sure

(17:28):
that everything
was pristine that everything was fine. You know,
almost almost exhausting
to send his representative in. So what I
meant by that is when I'm doing the
pre work, I'm like, okay, I've never
went this deep.
I've never had this conversation.
I've never been

(17:48):
so called, and I forced for a lack
of a better word, but I've never had
to
come to the realization of pulling my mom
off this pedestal
that I've had my mom on. You know?
So it was a lot that was going
on?
What's the next what's the next page?
What are these patterns?

(18:08):
That I have. You know? So doing that
pre work, I was, like, if this is
just the pre work?
What is the work?
You know, Saying like, oh my god.
But I just knew that and and and
to keep it real with you too, Drew.
There were times when I was, like,
Am I ready for this.
You know, Am I really gonna go do

(18:29):
this and not questioning that I would pull
myself out of it, but it was just
like,
Are you ready for this. Now,
5 years ago, definitely wasn't ready for it?
I was ready at that moment.
You know, when I went into the process
last July, July of 20 22, I was
ready. So let me ask you a question.
What do you think was different for you

(18:51):
5 years ago versus
July of 20 22.
You know what? I think that you know,
and it's not just with
age and wisdom and being wiser because there's...
You know, there's some dumbass. That's that's the
same age as I hope, but it was
just
It's like your graduation walk. You know? Or
it's like, okay. It's like school. If I

(19:12):
go to first grade, the next thing is
second, third, fourth fifth on and on. And
I just felt like
5 years ago, I wasn't
prepared for it because my representative was extremely
huge at that time.
My layers were
layered upon layered upon layered.
You know, so I wasn't ready

(19:33):
to
not only talk to anyone about it. I
wasn't ready
for me
to talk to myself about
growing up in obesity and happiness and, you
know, your addiction to food that I didn't
know I had and daddy issues that I
didn't know I had. So 5 years ago,
I was fine.

(19:53):
You don't either fine or frightened. It was
1 of those efforts.
I was fine or frightened, but
when it came down to
doing the process last year of 20 22
in July.
It was just 1 of those things that
I just I just knew.
That I couldn't go on

(20:14):
without this work.
I knew that I could not, and I
knew that it was it was time.
For me to take this this pivot. So
Kurt take us to your process because all
that stuff is beginning to to fall away
all those old
understanding those old stories, those old patterns

(20:35):
take us to your process. What was that
like for you
to
navigate
all this change and learning that was happening
so intensely
during your process.
You know, when when I did the pre
work.
And
when I was on my way driving up
to the process, I didn't know

(20:55):
as far as getting to Hoffman,
how I was gonna come out of there
because
I've never shared
that much with anyone let alone a group
of so called strangers who are now like,
man, the... That's like my family now.
But just getting there and filling in the

(21:15):
nature, the staff that was beautiful, and everyone
was there.
Because
something
brought in there.
Everybody had their own
situation problem agenda deem is whatever it was,
everyone had their own.
And
day 1,

(21:36):
You just don't know what's happened in day
1.
You know, there's literally times and you know
Drew, you go to breakfast and you'll come
back and the room is set different. You're
like, wait. What the hell is going on
now. And I remember speaking with you 1
day, and it was
surrender and submit. Wait where we we learned
the difference between that.

(21:56):
You know, And if... Am am I saying
that correct, Drew? You are. Surrender and submission.
But it's great that you still remember that?
What impact did it have on you? You
know what? It was more so where you
just like, you know what? Just do it.
Do the work.
Don't worry about what you look like. And
there's gonna be so many people that's going

(22:17):
to hoffman and doing a process that don't
wanna take a lot of people
into
the room because I didn't have that a
lot of things came to me as a
surprise.
But there's just times where you just gotta
say, do it, man, do it. You know
what I'm saying? Hit the pillow, do this,
Do that, You know, and I'll just say,
you know what? You're here for this,

(22:39):
and you'll be discounting
yourself.
If you didn't put it all in. And
I'm telling you, man, I I felt like
I put it all in, and there's nothing
that I could say when I drove off
for that that hill.
That I was like, man, I wish I
would have. Only thing I did, man was
it just made me wanna continue.

(23:00):
This this journey that I'm on now. Beautiful.
So is there a moment in time in
your process whereas you now look back
some
678
months later that you can remember. Oh, yeah.
Oh my god. True. Yes, man. Like, for
1, I always knew everyone knows knows their

(23:20):
patterns. And, you know, my patterns... I mean,
I have many, but, you know,
procrastination.
Being an enabler, you know, just just a
lot. And so
going in,
I was able to write down
loads of patterns that I have. I I
deal with patterns every day. I've put patterns
on my kids that I that I know

(23:42):
I've put on my kids,
but
it was crazy, man because when I did
the process at Hoffman.
You think that you're ahead. Like, okay. I
got this. I got that. I'm doing fine.
My mom was great. I'm not really tripping
off of my dad. My dad wasn't there.
So I was... Let me deal with this.

(24:02):
But the daddy issues... I don't have daddy
issues.
Never thought I did
until as a...
52 year old man or 51 at the
time. I'm sitting there, and we're doing an
an assignment.
And this assignment has to do with your...
You know, for me, it was my mom.
It was, you know, my dad. And I

(24:23):
never said all sperm donor? And dude, I
didn't have those kind of hang ups because
remember, I didn't have daddy issues. My mom
did an an amazing job
would raise Kurt Alexander into a man. So
I didn't have oh, my dad was it
there. I didn't have I didn't have anger
like that drew. I didn't have We were
home is because you weren't here. You weren't

(24:45):
this. You weren't that. My mom didn't speak
bad about my dad, so I didn't have
daddy issues.
Until I went to Hoffman,
and I learned
what my patterns are. And what kind of
daddy issues I really had. And I remember
drew we were doing an exercise. And in
this decides we had to write a certain

(25:07):
amount of things down so on and so
forth. And those have been to the... Through
the process they know. And so I had
to write a certain amount, a number of
things from Mama hard, but easier to do.
You know?
And then,
you told me you said take twin... You
know, take a certain amount of cards for
your mom and a certain amount of cards
for your dad. And so I took my
mom.

(25:28):
The a certain amount, and you were like,
oh, you know, take some for your dad,
and I was like well, I don't know
my dad. I don't know about my dad.
I have nothing to write about my dad,
and you said, take the ones for your
dad.
And so I'm seeing here
and I'm writing my mom out, and I
get to my dad, and I'm like, I
don't have anything that I I don't know
this man.

(25:48):
I don't have no patterns or issues or
hate this that and the other. I'm not
gonna play like, I'm gonna write something just
to get past these index cards.
And at 1 point you came and you
sat with me drew.
And we had a brief
conversation,
and I just started writing
and I was like, oh my god.

(26:11):
I do have daddy issues.
I do have certain patterns
from my dad. And when I say patterns
from my dad drew into everyone that's listening.
I'm not talking about patterns They say, oh,
that's from your dad.
But then when I realized, I have a
son now. Right?
And I noticed by the way I
parent my daughter and my son.

(26:35):
When my son,
I had to teach my son how to
stand up in urinate
because my dad didn't teach me that.
I have to be the guy that tells
my son, this that and a third and
my daughter because my dad didn't tell me
that. I sometimes
over parent,
over given the pattern enabler because I didn't

(26:57):
receive those things from my dad.
I gotta be the man of the household
even more so and not tyra ruler, but
I gotta be present. I go to all
the basketball games. I go to all even
the, you know, the cheer leading. Even when
my my wife says, baby. You don't have
to go to this. No. I have to
go. And that is a pattern drew

(27:19):
because I didn't have my dad show up
to a basketball game, a football game.
Apparent night. You know? So
I started to realize like, bro, Yeah. You
do have for good, bad, whatever. You do
have these these issues, and I never knew
that
until

(27:39):
I opened up
at Hoffman during the process,
and
understood
that there's a different
definition that applies to
each
individual, and I didn't have my definition of
what that meant until then. And so what
was that like to
have a sense of the power of his

(28:02):
absence.
What happened in your process as you
came
to
understand that the absence of your dad
was where the pattern was. What happened for
you? You know what? It was
it was lightning. And I brought up the
dimmer. That was a light switch for me,
Bro. It wasn't a dimmer. It was like

(28:23):
bam, and I just was, like, oh my
god.
Like I understand this. And it made my
writings
drew where I I'll go back and I'll
look at something and I'm looking and I'm,
like, dude.
Who wrote this
because
you just flow and you just opened and
I and I I continue to write to
this day.
It was 1 thing, you know, I could

(28:43):
sit and say, I didn't know my dad
and my dad wasn't there and, you know,
big ups and all praises to my mom's
on and so forth. So
1 of my assignments when I sat to
write, it felt like something else
to control of.
My heart,
my mind, my body, my soul, my right
hand at health of pain. It felt like

(29:05):
something else took control.
Because at that moment, when you say oh,
you know, well, my dad wasn't there and
not in a in an angry way, But
my dad wasn't there. My dad is. My
dad that
And then I started writing,
and I was like, wow. What if he
didn't know
that my mom was pregnant with?

(29:25):
Or what if my mom is the 1
that towed him,
don't come around
anymore.
What if those were things that I didn't
know,
and I built up this whole wall.
Around me
that no 1 could penetrate, and I built
this Fort safe zone. But when I put

(29:48):
it into his perspective, and not that it
was a a total forgiveness in this than
the third because I I don't know if
I have to forgive him, but I understood.
At that moment.
I understood.
So it was very enlighten. It opened up
a lot more
questions and a lot more homework

(30:10):
and a lot more dialogue. My mom passed
in 19 99. So I couldn't go to
my mom and have a lot of this
dialogue
about who I am and who the the
family so on and so forth.
So I continue to do this work. You
know? And that's why even now I'm like,
okay, I'll share a lot
but it's impossible to share it all because

(30:32):
I'm still I'm still learning. It's trying to,
man I I'm under the construction. You know?
Still figuring it out.
When you say I still continue to do
this work. What does the work
look like for you. You've referenced writing
I'm imagining you're talking about journal? Yes. I
I journal
journal with, you know, in a book. I

(30:54):
have an app that journal. I do... I'm
I'm on the Hoffman app it's constant, and
it's not over bearing constant. Where it's like,
oh my god. But, you know, there's some
days when I gotta I gotta attach myself
a little bit more. And then there's other
days where I can use my extension cord
and not tap in as close,
but I feel that it's always gonna be

(31:17):
something. You know, even with with with the
patterns that I have, Drew, it makes you
recognize
your patterns even more and you gotta learn
how to
control your patterns.
And by that, I mean, not your patterns
go away, but even to the point where
I'm like,
Okay. That's a pattern.
Alrighty. And you can't be the... I can't

(31:38):
be paranoid of of my patterns. I just
recognize them.
And I try my best to work on
them. You know? And the 1 thing that
I love about about hoffman in the process
as well, man is that when I speak
about patterns,
it's me. I'm not the pattern police.
I can't say what's going on what my
wife, my kids, my c because my buddies

(32:00):
and so on and so forth. I got
a lot of work to do on me.
And so I I recognize
those patterns. I saw some
new ones.
You know, there's some that's not at the
surface as much anymore, but I welcome every
day every moment, man. I I love
I love this work that I'm doing. On

(32:20):
me. I was talking with a friend of
mine today. You know, he's going through some
therapy as well. And he was like, man.
I wish sure what it did this earlier
and I said, no You don't be. It's
like now
now you're ready for it. And that's the
same way with me. I was ready for
it and now that I found it, I
love to continue this work on it. Like
the process being at Hoffman, it didn't scare

(32:41):
me. You know, a lot of people do
have regrets
about wishing they had taken the process earlier
if only
or having started the work earlier, and yet
you're saying they opposite. Can you share more
about that? Yeah. You know, I found it
when I found it. You know what I'm
saying, I you know I could sit in
here and say, oh, I wish I would've

(33:02):
have got this earlier,
but I didn't.
I didn't get it early. I got it
at God's timing,
my timing and my wheel, you know, soul.
I can't sit and say and then who's
to say that if I would've sat with
anyone 5 years ago, that I would've said,

(33:22):
oh, yeah. I need to check that out.
I probably would just heard them out and
said, okay That's fine. I don't know what
I would've have done. I just know that
at that time.
That it was the right time for me.
Sun moon stars, whatever that connection was, it
was the right time for me. I can't
have never been, but I tried not to
be the person that say,

(33:44):
You know, oh I wish I woulda did
this fight 5 years ago. I wish I
would've bought that house 10 years ago, I
wish I would've... Because I didn't.
And I'm not gonna beat myself up. 5
because I didn't make a decision that I
didn't know about prior.
So I'm here. I've
Arrived, and I'll I'll continue my journey I
hear self compassion in that. Is that an

(34:07):
emotion that helps you not look forward or
backward, but be more present?
Yeah. It it helps. And and it's it's
wow too Drew because my mom, like I
said, she passed in 19 99.
My mom was 57 years of age when
she passed. Right?
And I could sit here and say, man,
I wish Had more time when my mom.

(34:28):
I didn't.
Man I wish I would've went on more
vacations with my mom. I didn't.
There's so many things that I could say
about my mom's death in my mom's life.
That
could either hurt me or
take me down, you know, a rabbit hole
of emotions and it's not that it's thing
of, I got emotions of steel. I'm a

(34:49):
very emotional person. I just know that...
It doesn't help me to say
I wish when I didn't.
And
there's nothing that I can do about it.
I can't. When my mom was sick drew.
That's when I realized
at a certain point.

(35:10):
That. I I realized what mattered.
I realized that it wasn't about the ratings
that I get on radio.
It wasn't about
a bi weekly check or signing an autograph
or doing a Tv show or going to
a concert,
none of that stuff because there was nothing
that I could do.
That would have kept my mom alive for

(35:31):
another year.
I couldn't pay
something and say, hey, make this heart disease
and make this know, stressing her, high blood
pressure make all that go away and here's
a million dollars.
Couldn't do it.
You know, there was nothing that I could
do, so that made me at at that
time, Drew, not knowing the work that I
that was ahead of me.

(35:52):
That made me at that moment
understand
how precious life is. And then you know,
you still get lessons because when my mom
passed, I was still, you know, 500 pounds,
and it wasn't like my mom passed and
and all of a sudden, I... Got my
health together. And like I said, it it
was a dimmer as opposed to a light
switch, but it opened me up to what

(36:13):
was import. And it sounds like when you
describe not being able to do anything
to help her live longer.
There's a there's some surrender,
in that as well surrendering
to the powerless of being able to keep
her alive. Right? Correctly.
So you complete the process. You come down

(36:34):
the hill, you head off into life.
I'm curious about how this work
is living inside you. How is it
changing
your work, your professional life in radio?
But also your relationships. What do you notice,
Kurt. Ned Drew, can I tell you something
real quick? Right?

(36:55):
Drew, when I first came off the off
the hill, but coming out of the,
off.
Not only was I there for the 7
days,
then, you know, our path integration are 2
days after
I couldn't find my voice.
And when I say I couldn't find my
voice when I'm on radio,
it's like, I have a certain octave, Y'all.

(37:16):
What up y'all big boy big boys neighborhood
that kind of thing. Right? And that's me.
That is me.
But when I came off the hill.
That 7 to 9 days
was not draining,
but it was so beautiful for me. That
I almost came out, and I was like,
dude. I don't think I can do this

(37:37):
radio thing anymore.
You know? I don't need this phone
I don't... You know... And and you come
out and then that's when you think.
That's when you know that
the real...
Work begins. Because I'm telling you, man, like,
7 days at hoffman, I could've did a
month. You know what I'm saying? But at

(37:57):
some point, I had to come out and
say,
okay,
You gotta deal with this meeting. You gotta
deal with this email. You gotta deal with
this person. You gotta be a dad. You
gotta be a husband. You gotta be, you
know, a business owner it everything. So how
do you make this work in your real
world?
In the real world that you knew you
had to come back to. And so

(38:20):
getting home
It was like, man, I thought I went
up to Hoffman
with a great tool bill.
And coming home,
it was like, I had extra notches to
put this tool in so much different ammo
and a different screwdriver and a different hammer
head, and and I was... I had... I
came home with so much

(38:42):
that I could apply
to
rebuilding or rein introducing our
starting to know
who Kurt Alexander is. Because big boy, I
got big boy.
I got... I I got big boy all
day, and we had a conversation
before Drew, where I was like,

(39:03):
Big boy. I got it. I know big
boy. I know big boy.
I needed to know
Kurt Alexander.
That's who I went to
work with and work on and get an
understanding.
When I went to Hoffman.
I didn't need someone at Hoffman to tell
me how to... Not tell me, but help

(39:23):
me be big boy. Help me know how
to take a picture, help me sign an
autograph. Help me turn on a microphone and
push my volume up. I know I know
all that how to carry myself in public
as a public figure in I know that.
I went to go work on Kurt Alexander.
And that's who I continue to work on.
Big boy. That's my job. That's me. I

(39:45):
don't run from it, but I know how
to do Big boy.
I'm knowing how to do
this human being called Kurt Alexander, and that's
always. As you get to know him,
is he younger because you haven't been in
contact with him? Or does he feel like
an adult? Or

(40:06):
what's that process like of
becoming intimate with
the kurt underneath Big boy. You know what's
wow. When we talk about, like, your spiritual
self at this that in the third,
I always see. And I just... I just
had this conversation with my buddy Jose when
we were driving home. And I told him
I said, man, He said he's doing some

(40:26):
work now. And he didn't think I understood,
like I see myself as a kid, and
I'm shaking my head, like, broke, not in
my head, like, you don't understand how much
I overs understand
what you're talking about. And so with me
Drew,
I'm always between
9 and 12.
I know my little a that I had.

(40:47):
I know the puff ness in my face
for some reason.
I'm always between 9 and 12 years of
age
when I think about that.
Curt, what he feel as he goes through
his day as he scared?
Yeah. And and, you know, I would say,
like, yeah, scared is is an emotion. Yeah.

(41:07):
I could sit here and say, oh, he's
happy. He's Jolly. Yeah. He's that, but he's
also
where are we gonna live at tonight?
That's a lot. My kids
are my son be 16,
and my daughter's 14. They don't want... I
don't think that they've ever thought.
Where am I gonna live tonight?

(41:27):
Where
is my next meal coming from?
How am I gonna get to school tomorrow?
Thank god they don't have to think about
those things? And Kurt thought about those things
every day. Every day, especially when we were
homeless. You know what I'm saying? Like, going
from motel to motel, and it wasn't like
we were homeless and here's another pattern protect

(41:48):
my mom and put my mom on the
pedestal store.
My mom didn't smoke she didn't drink she
and didn't have a drug habit. It's 7
kids, and you get this slippery slope,
financially. That's what happened to us. So we
had to move into a motel.
And not a hotel. I'm talking about a
mode tail
with
probably 300 square feet if that, you know?

(42:10):
Because I know what the 04:50
motel and hotel rooms look like, So this
had to be what, 300 square feet if
that, and that's 8 people in there. So
those were... Those are the things that when
I think about the younger me when you
asked was was scary.
Yeah. It was.
You know, because
a child,

(42:31):
You think all kids don't think about those
things. Kids know. And as I got older,
I knew wow.
That was scary for you. It was probably
scary her or more
hurtful to my mom because she was the
adult and she knows.
The feelings of kids being
displaced and not having a home to come

(42:52):
home to. But, yeah, I remember all that
drew. I remember
walking from school and telling my buddies on
about to go to this way. All, church.
You live that way. Yeah. Out. I cut
a different way, and they'll walk their away,
and then I turn back to run through
the Alley and go to the motel. And
we did have motel friends because families stayed
there. But for the better part,

(43:13):
a lot of people didn't know that you
lived in a motel or that you lived
in, place in Santa monica called the Sunlight
mission in with with your family?
You know, so you you knew those kind
of things. You know, even at an early
age,
you knew
that you didn't have a home.
You know, that's why it pattern wise I...

(43:33):
You know, my home is
imma. And I don't mean by size or
furniture in this than the other. It's just
what we built here where my kids don't
have to worry about that. And being the
enabler that I am
before I went to the process and even
know more so. Now, none of my family
have to worry about that.
Because I knew I know what that feels

(43:55):
like. And I imagine that feeling
it's a cellular
feeling of being homeless.
And it just keeps you wear
at the moment
you're living it.
And whatever
anyone's
particular problem this and the other, those things
live with you for life.

(44:15):
It could tear you down. It could build
you up. It can make you stronger. It
can make you weaker. Whatever it is, man,
when you have so called a traumatic
experience or just things that's not so beautiful.
You hold onto those things. And when I
started thinking about patterns,
when we were in the motel
living,
you know, we're in a motel for about
a year, our first bout of homelessness.

(44:36):
To this day, Drew, if you came to
my home,
you would look and in my pantry,
you'll see paper plates,
plastic cups.
And we have all the the silverware and
all that stuff for real.
But what what I eat out of every
everyday, paper plates,
paper forks,
red cups.
Because when we're were in the in the

(44:58):
motel,
You didn't have plates.
You didn't have silverware.
You didn't have glasses.
That's the way I ate
as a probably a 10 year old.
And to this day, I still do that.
I go to Costco and I buy
thousands of forks in spoons. And now that

(45:20):
pattern,
out of convenience my kids probably I think
is convenient.
My kids have that now.
I've put that pattern
on my kids as well and my wife.
You know, And it's a convenience party to
them, but I had to tell them where
that came from.
That's just 1 other thing you know, we

(45:41):
didn't have... When you're in a motel motel,
they used to give you these pink soaps.
And it was these little
square little rectangle soaps that you couldn't even
do 1 shower where let alone 8 people.
And you come to my home now?
I have a drawer. You're looking there, You'll
probably count a hundred bars of soap, but
that's the pattern from what I didn't have

(46:03):
back then.
You know, And like when I say things
affect you that is so true that they
affect you, Bro.
As you think about your work,
I imagine that your
conversations with your guests are deeper. Are you
more impatient with superficial stuff, Do you dig
in
quicker, harder earlier on in the conversation. What's

(46:25):
the impact of Hoffman
on your radio work.
You know, prior to going Hoffman, we had
what I felt was great conversations beforehand.
But now I feel that there's...
Greater
conversations.
And not that
I came from Hoffman, and I have this
different

(46:45):
understanding
you just have more of a
of a compassion. And
I talk for a living,
but I listen
very well.
Sometimes
people don't wanna, you know, if somebody are
going to a story, and all I need
to do is say, man, explain what you
mean by that. And then that person goes

(47:07):
in even more so. So 1 thing that
I've learned also since Hoffman
is it taught me how to listen even
more.
And what you do with
the tone of your voice,
looking people an eye, not that I didn't
have this before.
But it made me more conscious.

(47:28):
Of,
how I
receive this person and how this person receives
me. When you say that how I receive
this person, and how this person receives me
is a is almost like a definition of
presence, what it means to be present.
Yeah. You're just just really in the moment.
And and it's wild, man, because even on

(47:49):
my end with a whole big boy thing.
And when we were talking about my book
as well.
I was like, man, oh, I wrote my
book. I wrote my book. And
I did write a book. Big boy in
Xl life thing big at half the size.
Right?
I wanted my kids
to read my book. My kids still haven't
read my book You know what I'm saying?

(48:09):
They have questions about their dad. And at
some point, I was like, man.
I'm wanna have them read my books hold,
these questions could be answered. And as I
talk to you today, Drew.
Now I don't want my kids to read
my book. Not that book. The reason why
I say that Drew is because
I wrote my book,
but

(48:29):
That's not the book.
It it did well, and people enjoyed the
story because I let them in.
I let them in a little bit more
than this guy that you heard through your
speakers. I didn't know that about big boy,
but I felt now
that
I didn't write the right book. So There's
nothing I could do about the book that's
out.

(48:49):
But if I had written that book today
with what I've learned
about me,
and I was still protective when when I
wrote that book.
I was still protective. I was still
shielding kurt, and
writing and big boy. You know, and and
I let you in,
but the layers
weren't as

(49:11):
removed as they are today, and that was
a moment in time at that time, that's
the book I wrote. And and I'm and
I'm gonna tell you the truth too. I
knew at some points that I was holding
back. And but
let's do it. Let's let's let's put it
out.
And now that I sit here today,
I like, man. There's so much more.

(49:32):
You know, and not just fast forward because
of, you know, hoffman in the process and
being older and, you know, being more vulnerable,
It's just I knew then, like, man you're
not writing the book. Not even knowing what
that meant, but I felt it.
Does that feel like you're ready to write
another book where

(49:53):
you do share those things that maybe where
you held back. Oh, yeah. I'm I'm writing
now. I'm, you know, I'm I'm doing my
notes. How has the process
helped you write?
A more honest
book.
Man, I don't know. I don't know how
to answer that. I don't know if if
it's in words, if it's in percentages, it

(50:13):
it's just
I don't know if I would've even
arrived
at saying.
Because I knew I wanted to write another
book. But I don't know if I would
have arrived at the book that I'm writing
if I didn't go to the process.
You know, what I had wrote a fluff

(50:33):
book like, oh, you know, my best interviews
and, you know, and that'll be in there.
You know what I'm saying? All my best
interviews. Oh, when I left the station that
I was at for 21 years and went
to a new station and built this and
built that, like, that's big boy. You know
what I'm saying? That's that's that's big boy.
I wrote the big boy book.
I gotta write the Kurt Alexander Book, like

(50:54):
for real for real. Like, that's the book.
That I'm writing right now. People come to
me all the time.
Drew and they say, man I read your
booking and really help me. Our listen to
your radio show every day and it really
helped me. My radio show has helped a
lot of people and has helped me go
through through a lot as well. Helped me
through a lot.
But,
man, what I give you on the next

(51:15):
we're not even trying to sell a book
or anything, but I'm giving you more, I'm
giving you me.
You know? And I think that not that
the public deserves that, I think I owe
that to myself. Now that's beautiful.
I owe it to myself. Yeah. And, you
know, and and even with
with Big boy, you know, and and just
briefly...

(51:35):
For those that do know or don't know,
you know, I was over 500 pounds.
I got gastric bypass surgery,
20 years ago,
And even then, I was, like, I'm happy
in my skin.
I could so call beat accommodate being 500
pounds.
You know, if I needed a...
To fly. I could, you know, get a
first class bigger seat if I needed a

(51:57):
car. I can get a bigger car to
drive in if I needed a suit. I
could have somebody make me 1
I can accommodate being this 500 pound guy.
And then you just... I just got to
a point where I was like, man. You're
gonna die.
You're gonna die, and I'm not, you know,
I'm not 1 of the people all, nervous
hypo. I'm not none of that bro, but

(52:18):
I felt in my soul. That I was
gonna be dead in a year. If I
didn't do anything
to take over my health. And as I
was writing the book happy, big boy happy
big boy, but then, you know, you start
doing the work and you say you know
what, man?
How happy were you?
And I can sit here, Drew, and I
can tell you I was happy. But how

(52:40):
happy were you for real?
Now at my biggest,
on the scale, I was 511
pounds.
And when I got my surgery date, they
told me they said just lose as much
weight as you can.
So I'm pretty sure in that little bit
of time, I was over 550 pounds, but
when I got on the scale was 511
pounds.
Now, I'm happy.

(53:01):
Oh, I'm now I'm happy. I'm happy. Now
if there was a button in front of
me that said 511
pounds,
and a button that said 200 pounds, was
I so happy
that I wouldn't have pushed that 200 pound,
but
I would have pushed it in the heartbeat.
So it made me think about how
happy were you? Maybe I was happy. Maybe

(53:22):
I'm just happier. I am so grateful for
this conversation. Kurt.
How do you feel after talking and telling
your story? I feel good, Bro, you know,
I feel good because
like I said, I'm I'm not talking to
the people that's that's listening just to the
people that's listening.
I'm talking to me.

(53:44):
You know what I'm talking to me isn't
and it's not a pep talk.
You know, it's a step talk. It's like,
man step up, continue to do what you're
doing. So it's good for me. Well, I'm
excited to read this new book that comes
out whenever it does.
I know shame is in there ming in
there with weight and fear

(54:04):
was big boy a way of managing
the shame that Kurt was feeling. You know
what? That's a great question.
Because as I'm sitting here,
I don't know. It was big boy to
protector
was big boy, the 1 at, you know,
that knew how to smile now. And also,
man, like, growing up, I'm not the guy
that people

(54:25):
talked about and, you know, it was fat
jokes and this jokes like
I'm not that guy. I've never been that
guy. I've always been the guy where
I protected myself. I wasn't the guy that
you know, you just bullied and, you know,
I sock you in your mouth. You know?
And and and I don't mean to sound
crazier or anything, but I wasn't that guy.

(54:46):
I wasn't the butt of your choke. I
wasn't
the 1 that you pull my shirt up
and expose my stomach and all that stuff.
Like, I was so called the coolest fat
big guy that you knew. That's why I
also,
I didn't have a lot of the so
called problems and issues,
that other

(55:06):
people that was my size would have, and
that helps you.
Either hurts or help you get your life
together as well.
I didn't have that. I was just I
was just cool. I was just cool. But
now when when you start to think of
it, big boy did
remove.
Or shield you from that shame. It's crazy

(55:27):
because
I was so called so good in my
skin that
I didn't even recognize a lot of the
shame. If we went out to go eat,
I would
walk in and I would have to make
sure that the chairs didn't have arms on
it.
Or that the tables
were
adjustable, not in in a booth.

(55:47):
When I would fly, I would have to
fly with a
seat belt extension. And then I would have
to buy the seat next to me. And
I didn't feel a lot of shame in
that But now
we're not looking to rearview mirror,
I didn't feel a lot of the shame.
Right?
But I see
that there was shame there.

(56:10):
I see now that I wasn't
as comfortable
is what I thought I was. And now
and not being judgmental,
but I see it in other people.
I see
them
and I see
through them.

(56:31):
Because I know what it feels and felt
like.
Like, I'll see people. Right?
And I'll see them celebrating something something. I'm
like, Okay. That's real. I did that.
And now that I'm here, I'm like,
I wasn't totally happy.
So not putting mine on them, but I'm
like, I... You can't be. You can't be

(56:51):
that happy. And maybe it's because I wasn't.
There was some shame there of sitting in
a chair and just making sure, like, is
it steady.
You know, when I used to go do,
like, live broadcast
they would have these white flimsy chairs that
they would bring out for the air talent,
and they had... They knew in the paperwork
of when you would pack up the speakers

(57:13):
and the turn turntable in the microphone and
promo pictures for big boy, you had to
bring a steel or a solid chair for
Big Boy to sit in. Data is shaming
that. How could it not be? You know
what I'm saying? Like, how could it not
be? I just didn't really
trip off of it then. But, yeah, Definitely,
so. Did I go home and cry, nah.

(57:35):
But now that I know yeah.
You know, I didn't know that I had
an addiction and a love affair food. How
could you be 500 pounds and not know
that?
You know, Like, come on, man,
Like, how much of an emotional eater are
you not how not was,
You know, I I would celebrate
with a meal?

(57:56):
I would have a meeting with a meal.
I would be sad with a meal. Every
for every
emotion,
it was celebrated
or it was comforted
by
food.
So, yeah, I continue to work on and
broke continue every day.
And with the gastric bypass,
it doesn't take away the wants knees the

(58:17):
yearning force and and things of that nature,
it took me 10 years until still till
today to even just learn nutrition to learn
if that 1 must have been emotional, and
I'm still an emotional eater. I know when
I have my next lunch meeting and what
I'm gonna have, III can recognize those things
even more so now. I'm just inspired them

(58:38):
and I love
what you're saying. That's so honest, Kurt and
real.
Thank you for your time.
Man, thank you, bro.
Thank you for listening to our podcast. My
name is Liza and Rossi. I'm the Ceo
and President of
Institute Foundation. And I'm Rising Rossi,

(59:00):
Often teacher and founder of the Hop Institute
Foundation.
Our mission is to provide people greater access
to the wisdom and power of love. In
themselves in each other and in the world.
To find out more, please go to hop
institute dot org.