October 31, 2024 • 47 mins
Cory Britt was sober for four years before coming to the Hoffman Process in June of 2024. As Cory shares his life story and recovery story with Sharon, he touches on many painful parts of his life and many joyous ones, too. In a raw and detailed way, Cory leads us through his journey from addiction to freedom.
For two decades of alcoholism, Cory held incredibly poignant life dreams and aspirations while at the same time not knowing how to break free of addiction so he could follow them. His dreams terrified him because he had no idea if he would ever live them. He started drinking when he was twelve. This way of life was all he knew.
Like many students, Cory had to wait almost six months to attend the Process after enrolling because it is usually fully booked six months ahead. Cory knew the Proess was coming, which was a beacon of hope during his wait. He chose to utilize the many tools he'd learned to navigate a life of sobriety, to consciously dig deeper as he moved closer to his time in Petaluma.
Post-Process, Cory feels joy and excitement about his dreams and vision. He knows who he is and understands who he is. He is proud of who he is. His mind is quiet. There's space there. Cory is free now to live the life he dreamed about for all those years. As he says, "All that space I have in my head now, and all that free time in my head, all the amazing shit that I can do with it? That is the Hoffman pouring out of me every day."
**Be aware that this conversation contains explicit language and mentions substance abuse. Please use your discretion.
More about Cory Britt in his own words:
I'm a stay-at-home dad and full-time student, passionate about helping others. With a love for the outdoors, from trail running to hitting up the ski slopes, and working out in the gym, I seek the deeper meanings in conversation, while always enjoying the little moments in life.
Just over four and a half years ago, I was at the lowest point of my existence. The deepest and darkest holes you can imagine, with little to no light in sight. After crawling from the depths of my hell, I began to rid myself of demons and transform my lifestyle. I started by switching careers. I became a student and completely overhauled my daily nutrition, all while seeking refuge for my mental well-being.
In a couple of months, I'll have earned my degree in studies in education. I'm following this with a master's in secondary education, paving a potential path to educational leadership in the future. To say I am excited to be in the classroom full-time is a drastic understatement. My love for children begins at home, with my five-year-old son and two-year-old daughter. Watching them grow has been the greatest gift; the joy they bring me each day is unmeasurable.
Through many dark days, droves of discipline, and unwavering consistency, I have begun to build the life I always dreamed of. For so long I was merely drifting along in search of meaning, now I am living and loving the beautiful space I occupy on earth. I intend to use all my pain, suffering, and the reclaimed happiness and joy, to affect change and inspire those who may feel lost or need help on this journey we call life. Through love and peace, I will continually embody and radiate my light.
As mentioned in this episode:
The Rich Roll podcast
• Ken Rideout on the Rich Roll podcast
• Ken Rideout on Instagram
Ed McClune, Hoffman teacher and coach
• Listen to Ed on the Hoffman Podcast
"When there is no enemy within, the enemy on the outside can do you no harm." African Proverb
"Suck the bone marrow out of life." Words shared by Cory
Another quote about the marrow of life from Henry David Thoreau
"I wanted to live deep and suck out all the marrow of life, to live so sturdily and Spartan-like as to put to rout all that was not life, to cut a broad swath and shave close, to drive life into a corner, and reduce it to its lowest terms...”
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:01):
All these things that I've dreamed about for
20 years, more than 20 years,
suddenly it was like, I can do them.
I'm free.
I can do them. I was alive. It
was almost like it was damn near like
I was just born again. I mean, really.
Welcome to Love's Everyday Radius,
a podcast brought to you by the Hoffman
(00:22):
Institute.
I'm your host, Sharon Moore, and I hope
that you enjoy today's conversation
and that the stories shared by our graduates
impact,
move, and inspire you.
Please be aware that this episode references
substance abuse.
Please use your discretion.
(00:50):
My guest today is Corey Britt, a man
who has navigated addiction,
faced his demons head on,
and done the work to stay on the
path of sobriety.
He shattered his lifelong limiting belief statements
and confronted his patterns
all so that he can be his most
authentic self and do what he's always wanted
(01:11):
to do
to be a present father,
husband,
friend,
son, and brother,
and
to be a school teacher.
I hope you enjoy this inspiring episode.
Corey, welcome to the show. Hi, Sharon. Thanks
for having me. Well, Corey, let's let's start
from the beginning of Hoffman being in your
(01:33):
life.
When did you take the process and what
was going on in your life that brought
you to the Hoffman Institute?
I took the process,
at the beginning of June this year, so
in Petaluma, California.
I was
just
honestly feeling a little lost,
feeling like I needed a little bit more.
(01:53):
I get I probably should preface with, my
background. So
36 years old now,
but I spent most of my teenage years
and my twenties and, I mean,
almost damn near half my
life as an alcoholic.
Started when I was probably about 12 drinking
with some buddies, you know, just having fun,
(02:16):
or at least I thought I was having
fun. And that progressed
rapidly again through my teenage years in my
twenties. Turned into
a full blown alcoholism.
I hit it from almost everybody my entire
life. I,
really lost just kinda drifting through life
when I was 32. So July 26, 2020
(02:36):
actually was my,
breaking point, I guess you would call it,
and I've been sober ever since that day.
I did all this kind of on my
own.
I changed my lifestyle completely, really.
My diet,
my exercise routine,
going back to school in my thirties,
all this stuff happened
kind of abruptly. But I knew I needed
to change.
(02:57):
Didn't wanna do it with medications
or therapy sessions.
Not that those things aren't all great. And,
I mean, everybody kinda has their own thing,
you know? Do it your own way or
do what's best for you. And I told
myself throughout all those struggles that I survived
in my life that
I finally had this chance. And if I
was gonna do it, I wanna do it
my way. And I wanted to do it
(03:18):
as holistically as possible,
which I feel like I was doing a
great job at. I just needed something more.
And again, therapy was never never really my
route. I just didn't see the benefit in
it for myself.
One thing that was working for me very
well was just, like, I mean, reading all
the time or listening to podcasts.
(03:38):
And actually, I love listening to Rich Roll.
He's kind of a huge inspiration on me
listening to probably 100 at this point, 100
of his episodes.
I found relation in almost every single one
of them, no matter who the guest was,
whether it was a recovering addict themselves,
scientists, psychologists,
doctors,
an ultra marathon runner, whoever it was. I
(04:00):
seem to find this connection some way or
another.
With that being said, I was listening to
a,
podcast one day on ritual. His guest was
Ken Rideout. I had never heard of Ken
before. Still don't know a lot about him,
honestly. I'd love to meet the guy someday.
He was an ultra marathon runner, like I
kinda said. And I believe this is his
second stint on Rich's show, and he was
(04:20):
talking about a race he did. I believe
it was in Morocco, maybe. I don't wanna
say for sure. But in the, midst of
the podcast, he was talking about just kinda
some of the struggles he had in his
life, and there was some on-site workshops
in Tennessee, I believe, that he mentioned
he went to. And I just instantly I
was like, wow.
That sounds like me. That sounds like something
(04:42):
great, you know. Just, you know, busy guy,
2 young kids, back in school, like, really
just on this trajectory of life right now.
And
I don't have time for certain things, but
this just sounded great, you know? Go sit
me down somewhere. Lock me away. Let's just
hammer this out, you know? I did a
little research into it, and
the costs in Tennessee are pretty pricey. You
(05:03):
know, it's outweighing, you know, can my family
do this? Can we not? I mean, I
knew my life was important because without me
being
of the power of my full self, like,
that hurts everybody around me. So I was
like, well, I gotta take this seriously. So
I did some more research. I was like,
I just don't know if it's me. And
I started talking to my wife about it
and
she's like, you know, if we need to,
I mean, something we can consider.
(05:25):
I was like, I just don't know. And
she actually I'm not on a lot of
social media platforms, but
she reached out to Ken right out via
Instagram
without my knowledge. And
I guess he replied back to her within
an hour or 2.
And he said, you know, there's this place
called Hoffman that I
(05:46):
have had friends that I've went to and
I've heard a lot about. It's fairly similar
to these on-site workshops. Have him check it
out and, you know, see what he thinks.
And so I did. I immediately after she
told me that I was, a, floored that
she did it, and, b,
just floored that he replied back so graciously
and quickly.
And most of all, just
(06:06):
happy that he sent me Hoffman is kinda
how I look at it now today.
I did a little bit of research. I
mean, the best you can do. Right? Google,
check out your guys' website. I was like,
yes. I mean, this this is exactly what
I want right now, and this is this
is what I feel like I need right
now. So I called up. I wanna say,
actually, this is probably in January of
this year, so 2024.
(06:27):
Again, at this time, I almost I called
just like my first melt down in my
sobriety,
a couple weeks before my first intake call.
A lot of things melted and built up,
and I just kind of I went in
my basement and I just cried one day,
and I called my wife and I said,
can you please come home from work and
be with the kids? Like, I just I
don't know, I just went on overload that
(06:49):
day. And I think I've been trying to
carry too much and deal with too much.
I mean, that's been the story of my
life for a lot of it. Anyways, I
kinda had this breakdown moment and that's when
I kinda knew I needed to do something.
So I was explaining all this in my
intake phone call, and she's like, yeah. I
mean, I think you can you would get
a lot out of us. And I'm like,
well, how soon can I come? You know?
Tried to get in in spring last year,
(07:10):
and it just wasn't working with timing in
my schooling and stuff. And I said, you
know what? I can do this for another
6 months. I've I booked
a spot in June. And for those 6
months in between, I just kind of envisioned
my life
in that setting. Like, what was it gonna
be like? It kinda almost trained my mind
as something new to think about and something
(07:31):
like, there is help out there. There is
help. Like, it's coming, and it kind of
bought me some time. But it also
it totally made me circle back and just
go back to all the fundamental things that
I installed in myself. You know, just sitting
with yourself.
You know, just sitting with all that shit
that I suffered through for years years years
and
just really trying to understand how I am
(07:53):
the way I am, why I am the
way I am, what I do with those
things.
So it was like before I even went
to Hoffman, Hoffman, like, reset me. And those
6 months were still hard, but it was
almost like the sense relief. Like, there's I've
always been looking for something, and now it's
on my horizons.
(08:13):
I mean, that's that's kind of that story.
And then came June or the end of
May, actually, and California, here I come.
Well, let me let me pause at some
timeline points that you that you named. Let's
go back to the original breaking point. You
said you were 32 years old. It was
July 26,
2020.
What happened and why was this different than
(08:35):
the other 20 plus years of your life?
What was the flavor and and why was
it so different?
The flavors are still undescribable.
For all those years, I wanted to break
free from that lifestyle.
I was never quite sure how. I mean,
clearly, that was the addiction winning almost my
entire life.
But it was
(08:55):
these endless moments of just not knowing better,
not knowing what I would truly do on
the other side. Like, I had all these
aspirations and dreams, but I think I was
kinda terrified of them because I always told
myself, like, I couldn't chase these things down.
I can't do it when I'm a drunk.
I mean, partially, it's all I ever knew.
Right? I mean, I started when I was
12 and, you know, I mean, it wasn't
heavy in my teens and stuff, but it
(09:16):
was heavier than it should have been. And
throughout all those years too, I was told,
you know, you're you're such a great person.
You've got a big heart and all this
other stuff. And, I mean, I was part
of my community. It wasn't like I was
recluse. I wasn't hiding out. You know, I
was pretty out in the open. I mean,
I was a very high functioning alcoholic.
I would say it reinforced all my behaviors.
You know? I mean, I'm getting along great
(09:37):
with people. I'm fairly successful in my job.
I'm doing things that I want.
Mean, even though I felt like I was
drifting, society kind of viewed me as, like,
well, you're doing fine. You know?
I had a boss tell me once, like,
well, your 50% is better than most people's
90. And it's just like, well, shit. You
know, if I'm doing this in this lifestyle,
like, you know, I can't quit. If I'm
(09:58):
not, you know, drinking anymore or doing drugs
anymore, like, am I gonna be as good
of a person? And I think it just
snowballed throughout the years, really.
Looking back on it now, I mean, I
can definitely say I was using
alcohol as the solution,
and it's not the problem. Like, I was
treating alcohol like it was the problem. Like,
that was my big issue with alcohol. But,
(10:18):
really, I was just using alcohol as a
solution.
I never dealt
with those problems. People say, oh, you're treating
the symptoms. You're not treating the problem. And
that is that's most definitely what I did
throughout most of my life. And I think
I mean, to get down to the very
beginning, I mean, like I said, I started
drinking with my buddies from probably 12, 13
years old. And come to realize it coincided
(10:40):
very much with my parents' divorce, which happened
right around the same time. My parents were
both very young when they had me. My
mom was 15. My dad was 17.
Basically, we kinda grew up together. I never
really had those true parental figures. They were
always there in the sense of, you've got
a roof over your head. You've got food.
I mean, even though, you know, I was
fighting tooth and nail for food and keeping
(11:01):
the electricity on and stuff like that, but,
like, we had it. And so I always
grew up thinking, well, you know, I have
the greatest parents in the world because they
did this for me, which is true in
a sense. But, I mean, we all know,
you know, we need more as children. And
I didn't know all this at the time,
but I had this empty pit. And
when my mom left, my dad
(11:22):
did his best taking care of me and
my 3 younger sisters. But that led into,
I mean, so many different avenues. We can
go down here. It's just I think one
of the big ones was my dad, like
I said, treated me. We were like best
friends. And
it seems great on the surface, but I
needed that dad. You know, I needed that
guidance. And instead, I got somebody to chill
(11:42):
with and somebody to hang out with. And
honestly, he didn't really have many people either,
especially after this happened. He kinda shut himself
off, and I was his sounding board.
I heard everything and anything that I shouldn't
have. And I think that made me resent
my mother a little more.
It put me in these
very terrible situations, really. And again, at the
(12:04):
time, I didn't know any of this. I
mean, I thought this is just growing up.
I thought this is just the way it
was. I thought this is just who I
was. And I mean, it was in a
sense. These things kinda carried on throughout the
years. Our relationship stayed about the same as
far as me and my father. My mom
was in and out for most of my
life then after 12.
She did have a good stint for about,
(12:24):
I don't know, it's 8 to 10 years
when my youngest sister, so my half sister
was born. She was around a little more,
which gave everybody a little stability except especially
my younger sisters, you know. But then there
was me. I was living this life that
I thought was great, you know. Of course,
it's great to be raised by all else.
You can do whatever the hell you want
whenever you want and all those other stuff.
But I mean, you crash hard when that
happens, and you crash hard when you don't
(12:46):
have that system to rely on. And, I
mean, I have a big family, like, as
far as aunts and uncles.
Very loving family. Like, my mom and dad
love the shit out of us kids. It's
just not in the right ways or not
how we needed it, I guess, if that
makes sense. And so the I mean, this
carried out through, again, my teens, and my
drinking and partying got progressively
(13:08):
worse with my buddies.
I have 4 best friends, and we've been
best friends since we were 5. Kindergarten together.
Great school together. Middle school, high school. All
throughout still to this day, actually. We still,
hang out, which we'll probably get to here
in a little bit. So I'd say hit
my mid twenties, and some of them went
off to school. Actually, most of them did,
but one. And I stayed back home because
I didn't I didn't have any aspirations, you
(13:30):
know, college. And that was never talked about
in my house. It's kinda, you know, just
get a job. How can you make money?
How can you survive?
So that led then in my early twenties
to start hanging out with a little bit
of different crowd.
That's when the drugs happened. You know, I
dabbled in the cocaine, the ecstasy, the mushrooms,
just different stuff like that. I was just
always kind of trying to find a place,
I think. It's the way I see it
(13:50):
now. So I was just trying to find
a place to fit in, and I always
turned to those things because it's all I
seemingly knew, which I guess makes sense too.
The fact my mom's side was riddled with
alcohol and drug problems.
My dad's side, not so much, but they
definitely had some issues. But, yeah, as far
as my mom's side, I mean, loved my
mom's side. Grew up my grandparents, grew up
with my uncle, but I mean, like everybody,
(14:12):
everybody's got their shit and they had a
lot of it. And I saw that as
basically all that was or all that all
that there is in this world to offer.
So again, I think it just kinda became
part of my identity.
Not to belabor too much on these same
things, but that carried, I mean, again, through
my twenties. And it was just endless different
(14:33):
spots of like, you look back now and
you're like, well, do you have any regrets
or whatever? It's like the whole, yeah, I
live my life and it's why I am
where I am today. Like, I do get
that and I did believe in that, but
it's also like, yeah. I was having a
ton of fun, but
really to what extent? Like, you know, yeah,
I had a great 2 hours, but then,
like, I blacked out for 12 or 14
and woke up the next day and just
(14:54):
drifted through the day. And, oh, I thought
I was living and loving life, but, yeah,
I mean, far far far from it. I
was coaching basketball so much I love to
do working with kids. And
at this point, when I say football and
alcoholic, like, there I mean, it wasn't every
day I was going pounding the bottles. There's
definitely many days like that. There are some
days where it's just a beer or 2,
(15:15):
you know, at 9 o'clock at night just
to get me through and things like that.
So that's where, like, the managing this lifestyle
that I thought I wanted came into play.
And I'm like, well, I gotta do something
more with myself. So I got this new
job at this manufacturing plant because the girlfriend
I had at the time had family working
there. And, like, oh, this would be great,
you know. I'll get a job, make some
more money. I can do my business on
(15:36):
the side. I had started my own painting
and remodeling business. And I was like, this
is life. Right? Make a ton of money
and just
fuck around all day. Well, again, it was
great while it lasted, but I ended up
hating my job. It was just I mean,
I tried working on the floor, like the
factory part of it, the manufacturing part of
it. I tried dabbling in the management part
of it. I tried just all this stuff
and it just wasn't fulfilled. And at this
(15:57):
point, I should mention I met my wife.
I had that I held that job for
about 6 years, I believe, and I met
my wife 4 years into that.
It was again okay. Now I found somebody
that I care deeply about,
you know, could see myself
with
long term. So do I make any changes?
And I was still kinda like, you know?
I mean, I had girlfriends and whatnot, but
(16:19):
this is the first time, like, you know,
this might be a good idea, you know,
to choose a different route. I was like,
but she's a big girl, so, you know,
she can fend for herself. Like, you know,
I can still do my own thing and
whatever else.
But I went about a year, I think.
Getting up at 5 AM,
hungover as shit, going to work, just hating
the day and doing everything I could to
come home and forget it. And I mean,
(16:40):
I hid hid drinking from her. Again, I
hid it from my sisters, my friends. I
mean, again, nobody
nobody really knew. People knew I drank a
lot, but I don't nobody had any idea
that it was just this massive problem, like,
massive closet drinker, massive
just destroying myself every night. Like, if I
needed to hide it, I'd wait till 9
o'clock when she went to bed, and I
(17:01):
would go pound, you know, half liter of
vodka just to piss the day away and
get up at 5 in the morning and
go through the steps. And, again, I'd struggled
with these kind of things throughout,
but it was really just building up and
I could sense it. You know, I'm just
like, how much longer can I do this?
And July 2019
came, and
(17:21):
our our son was born.
And that that hit me like a train.
Like, you know, I've had this conversation with
people before and they're like, well, if you
were so bad, like, how did you care?
And I was like, you know, I don't
I don't I think it was just this
feeling, like, of always wanting to move on
with my life, always wanting to escape these,
you know, clutches and grips of this just
devilish
(17:42):
stuff. And you never wanna put it on
a child, but I mean, when he came,
my life was just like, woah. Now it's
not just me. You know, my wife was
a big girl. Like, this little human, like,
this is a whole
different world.
I struggled
for a good 6 to 9 months after
he was born. It was a new game
(18:03):
of chess then. You know? Not only was
it how do I function every day, how
do I make everybody else happy, how do
I
do all these things yet still get my
fix somewhere?
And now you have to add in, okay,
now I have to take care of this
little human on top of it and then,
like, you know, I get my fix. But
what if he's waking up in the middle
of the night? Or what if my wife
(18:23):
needs help? Or, like, what if the worst
case scenario, like, they both need help in
the middle of the night? Now I have
to drive. Like, it was just all these
things that just came rushing. And I think
that was I call it momentum now. I
think that was the momentum that was building
up inside of me.
So it's July through the summer and fall
of 2019, and then that thing that they
call COVID happened.
(18:44):
And I say it like that, and I
say it jokingly, and I don't mean it
because I know a lot of people have
went through just terrible, terrible times in COVID.
It was a travesty in many different ways.
But I can't lie about it and sit
here and say COVID wasn't the greatest thing
that ever happened to me because it, hands
down, was.
My job, they laid us all off for
a while just at the beginning because, I
(19:06):
mean, nobody knew what the hell is going
on. Right? And they're like, well, we can't
have people around each other. We can't do
this. Businesses are here shutting down, so it's
affecting our supply line. It's just
all this whatever. So they closed us down
for a little while.
So here I was. I'm like, okay. Well,
great. I got some time off. We've had
wanted to do some remodeling to our house.
And I was always doing little projects, but
(19:26):
we wanted to redo the bathroom. And I'm
like, well, I got some time now. And
I told my wife. I was like, what
do you think? You know, I can redo
the bathroom, you know? She's like, oh, yeah.
Sure. So her and Lincoln and my son,
Lincoln, they went and stayed at her parents
who live about 15 minutes from us. They
have a farm outside of
outside in the glares where we live. And
so they went and stayed there for the
week, basically, is what I was saying. I
was gonna tear up the bath, work all
(19:47):
hours, and I make a big mess. And
I think we got about 3, 4 days
in, and
I hadn't done a damn thing. Like, I
I mean, I thought I was doing stuff,
but, like, I was just drinking all day.
All night, I was like, man, I got
free rein here. You know, I'll get stuff
done. And, again, like I said, it was
about day 3 or 4. I kinda, like,
looked down the hallway, and I'm like, what
(20:07):
the fuck?
And
I was just like, you know, this is
you know, sums up. And I kinda called
my wife, and
I honestly don't remember exactly what I said,
but something along the lines of, like, you
know, something's wrong. You know, I'm not getting
anything done. I think we should talk. So
that was the first time I ever flat
out told anybody
what was really going on with me and
(20:29):
how I was functioning or what not functioning
and just what was going on. And she
was shell shocked. I mean, she
floored. She had no idea. I mean, she
handled it like a champ. I said, just
I don't know. She was so graceful and
it all. But that was my beginning of
the coming up party, I guess, you could
say. So she came after work one day,
and she's she's like, yeah. You know, I
(20:51):
was kinda wondering, and my mom was wondering
because, again, my son was 10, 15 minutes
away. So if I'm just working, you know,
during the day or whatever, I would've went
out to the farm for dinner and, like,
seen my son, like, all this stuff, and
I was nothing. I would shut myself off
pretending like I was fixing this bathroom. That's
all I could do. That was the first
time, like, red flags were going off. Like,
my sister sister stopped by to pick something
(21:12):
up, and I just put it out in
the driveway for for her and her husband
to pick up, which is something I would
never have done. Like and I didn't notice
any of this at the time, but looking
back on it now, I'm like, woah. It
was that bad.
So are you saying that that week
was uncharacteristically
more intense
(21:32):
of you kind of drinking and being disconnected?
Like, it was this culminating point.
Yes. It was what I was doing on
most days for a very short period of
time. Some nights, I'd bury myself at 9
and drink for an hour. I mean, yeah,
I'd binge drink, but, like, it was only
for an hour or 2. I mean, there's
definitely days where I just cut off, you
(21:53):
know, 2, 3 in the afternoon, like, see
you later. But this was like I feel
like I woke up and I was living,
eating, drinking,
breathing alcohol.
I mean, I'd had those days. I'd had
benders in my life but this was just
different. This was just like
whoosh, like everything coming head on. So it
was kinda like the standstill then. Okay. Well,
(22:13):
what do we do, you know? Like, what
do I do? My wife, I don't think
really knew. And then I instantly
the addiction was still winning and it wasn't
like I truly broke free. I wasn't ready
to be done yet. I was letting people
know, but I definitely wasn't done yet.
From March on, I kind of pretended.
You know, I can just socially drink when
(22:34):
we're out to out at the farm or
out with friends. You know, I can have
a couple drinks and be fine. Yeah. I
have this problem and that was a really
big problem, but I can fix it. And
these are stuff I told myself for years,
but, you know, this is now
out loud to people, out loud to my
wife, out loud to everybody.
They all thought, okay. Well, you know, we're
we're shocked that this is even going on
(22:54):
or this is real life. So if he
says he's got it under control, then he
must have it under control. Right? He didn't.
It spiraled. It continued spiraling for,
a couple months.
Then came my son's first birthday,
and I left that night just thinking, like,
he's 1 now. Time's gonna just keep going,
you know. It's it's not stopping for me.
I have to fix this. Lo and behold,
(23:16):
a couple of days later, I've had I've
had back problems most of my life. And
my back was acting up my disc, and
I just couldn't really move. And
my mind is, you know, just tough and
I'll get through it because I've been through
it with my wife. Like, no way. You
know, I'm taking into the doctors. I'm like,
I know what they're gonna do and whatever.
She's like, well, so let's go. And I'm
like, well, they're gonna hot me up on
painkillers and they're gonna tell me to do
(23:36):
physical therapy and they're gonna say, are you
doing your stretches? Are you doing this? Which
I, you know, I wasn't doing any of
that. And it's a part of me that
had dabbled in painkillers for multiple years in
my early twenties. Like, I knew better especially
the amount of alcohol I was drinking. I
was like, just bad recipe, bad recipe.
I was like, well, I guess I'll bring
it for a few days because my wife's
gonna make me go to the doctor and,
you know, so here come the painkillers, which
(23:57):
was
fine because I was just gonna get another
high in a different way. So I was
like, okay. Great. So I remember going to
the urgent care and just laying on their
floor in the basement.
Probably looked absolutely ridiculous. But, I mean, I
was withdrawing
and I mean, my back was in extreme
pain, so it's just a culmination of all
this stuff.
I didn't put it all together at the
time, but so I started taking these painkillers.
(24:20):
And I went home that night
and
I mean, I was
shaking
visibly, like, vomiting and just just wrong, just
just not good. And then the guy went
through small withdrawal symptoms here and there, but
this was like full bore just body shutting
down. And again, it was another, like, I
feel bad because my wife thinks she just
had no idea. You know, she I kept
(24:40):
telling her, I'll just get
through it. And I know she wanted help
but she had no idea how. And put
my son to bed that night and
I went in our spare bedroom and I
just I mean, I was shaking
and screaming and just not good that night.
And
she kinda came in to control me a
little bit and like, you know, is there
anything I can do? And I just kinda
(25:00):
said, No. And I laid there and contemplated,
you know, like, Okay.
How are you gonna get this through this
one? What the fuck are you gonna do
this time, Corey? How are you gonna pull
this off? You know, you've done this thousands
of times,
but how are you gonna do this one?
Because this just felt different. And a couple
hours went by and, man, this is vivid,
like reliving this. I don't do this often.
(25:22):
So I went back into our bedroom and
I laid on the bed, and
I kept dozing in and out and closing
my eyes and just still sweating and shaking.
And I just remember closing my eyes once.
I honestly felt like I was never gonna
wake up again. I never had that feeling
before. I kept opening my eyes. They told
myself, don't keep them closed. Like, I was
(25:43):
terrified. Like, to this day, that's the only
thing I when I think of death, like,
that's what I think is that's how it's
gonna feel. Our bed was right next to
the air conditioner, the the venting unit for
the air and the heat. So you mean
your air conditioning in the middle of July,
Wisconsin at least. So you're it's kicking on
probably every, you know, 15, 20 minutes, whatever
it is. And I just remember trying to
fight to keep my eyes open. And, of
(26:05):
course, I couldn't. Every time the air would
kick on,
I would wake up. And it was almost
like it jump started my heart. Like, I
would give this
gasp.
And I just it was so intense. I
just remember this.
And I was, like, alive again. And I
was like, oh, shit. Like, this then now
is the feeling. Like, don't close your eyes.
(26:25):
And then, of course, it was probably, you
know, 15, 20 minutes.
You know, every time that air kicked in,
I was like, wow. Like, I mean, still
to this day, I like I look at
my air conditioner and it's like this odd
relationship we have. Like, you saved my life.
If it wouldn't have kicked in, would I
have woke up? I don't know. It's just
it's wild. But
so this went on, I mean, into the
early morning then on 26th. I I wanna
(26:45):
say 1 or 2 AM. I can't say
for sure, but I finally just I asked
myself again, like, what the hell are you
gonna do? What are you gonna do? Like,
you can't escape this one, you know. And
I yelled to my wife. I said,
just do it. And she's like, what? Do
what? What are you talking about? I said,
just call the fucking ambulance.
Just call them and bring them here. And
(27:06):
so she did. I mean, I wasn't thinking
about at the time. But on the ride
and even in the hospital, the first thing
I'm worrying about, my god, we live in
a small town, 2,000 people. Like, I know
the empty like, this is just there's no
getting out of this one. But that is
exactly, I think, what my head needed.
Like, I needed that. And in that moment,
I knew I was done. Like, when I
(27:28):
yelled to her, call the ambulance, like, I
was 100%
done. Never in my life before that
in 32 years at the time, like, was
I ever just, like, done? I was like,
yeah. I wanna be done. Yeah. It could
be done. Well, I'm done for the day
or I'm done for a week, but, you
know, I'm fine. This was like, nope. 100%.
Fuck it. I'm done.
(27:49):
They took me to the hospital and took
me, I mean, in the emergency room, did
a whole bunch of tests. I told them
as much as I could. And reading the
reports, I I was pretty accurate. You know,
I told them. I was like, yeah. I
drink all this and yeah. Yeah. It's been
years years years. And apparently, I mean, I
don't remember, but the condition I mean, they
put me right in the ICU.
They thought the worst was yet to come.
(28:10):
So they started me on all these different
meds and IVs. And so that went through
that night.
Throughout the next day, I mean, different doctors,
different counselors. I mean, the county
health services were in there just counseling, just,
you know, asking me questions and kinda, you
know, trying to, you know, see what I
was about and what I, you know, know,
what I was there for, what my story
(28:31):
was, what I was gonna do next. And
I just looked down on those.
I didn't give him the time of day.
And
I say that, like, I don't feel like
I was disrespectful,
but I just I was like, nah. No.
Sorry. And
I did that because, I mean, I was
so stubborn. Still, I'm stubborn, but
when I was drinking I mean, as stubborn
as you could be. And I was like,
no. You know, I got this. And I
(28:51):
just kinda had that mentality. And they all
looked at me like, okay. You know, we'll
try again later. And so that kinda happened
for the next few hours again. And then
I had this nurse. She was my nurse
overnight,
both nights. I vividly remember my first night
there. I call it night there even though
I showed up in the middle of morning
or night. But and she came back on
the following day, and I had her through
the night. She was just this great person,
(29:13):
a real human being. She wasn't like the
counselors and the doctors and the whatever whatever.
She was just like straight up, sit down,
tell you some stories. I wanna hear your
stories. And I'm like, yes. You are my
kind of people. Like, I was laying in
this hospital bed in the darkest moment of
my life all along. So, of course, I
was searching for something, like, she was just
this perfect fit. And I've actually I've reached
out to her, like, I think a year
(29:35):
or 2 ago, I reached out to her
and just told her. She's like, I'm so
happy to hear that. You know, I was
trying to keep tabs on you and it's
just like, it's just this mutual, like, bonding
moment. It was just awesome. So I had
her, and we, like, continue these conversations. She
just told me told me stories about her
brother and his struggles and all this other
stuff. And so we got into the next
morning, and I'm like, I saw us there
(29:55):
maybe not even 36 hours. And I was
like, I need to walk. What's gonna get
me out of here? And she's like, get
you out of here. And I said, yeah.
Get me out of here. She's like, oh,
no. It's a long process. You know, doctors
I didn't know any better. I was not
even. I'm like, I'm better now. You guys
give me some meds. Give me out here.
And she's like, no. No. No. No. But
she let me try and walk. You know,
I grabbed my IV thing and I was
walking around in circles. I mean, it looks
(30:17):
like a baby giraffe, I think, just stumbling
around.
But I'm like, you know, I'm doing it.
She's like, yeah, you are. I mean, 12
hours ago, we couldn't even roll you in
a bed. And I'm just like, what?
So the doctor came in a short bit
later and I'm like, I gotta leave tomorrow
morning first thing. And she's like, I'm sorry.
You know, we can't do that. You know,
there's so much to happen yet. You know,
(30:39):
we have serious medications we wanna give you.
Like, the worst is still coming, like, your
seizures and all sort of stuff. You know,
we gotta be on the lookout for all
of this stuff. And I'm like, no. You
know, I just kept telling her I got
this. I got this. I got this. And
she's like, let's rest on it. So I
slept
and woke up the next morning. I had
my bags packed. And they all came in
just looking at me like I'm crazy. And
(30:59):
I said, no. I gotta go. I just
I need and she sat down. And again,
she was doing her job and I I
hated her. I hated this doctor in the
moment.
But I look back on it and and
she was definitely just doing her job. I
mean, she's looking out for me. She was
doing what a doctor should and I was
just not giving her the time of day.
But on the same token,
(31:21):
she
gave me that chip. That was just one
of those chips I needed on my shoulder
when she told me, well, what's your plan
for when you come back here?
And I said, excuse me?
She's just like, what's your plan for when
you come back here? And I'm like, well,
I'm not coming back. And she's probably like
she's laughing like, okay. You fucking idiot. I've
heard that a 1000 times. And I'm just
(31:42):
like, no. I'm not I'm not coming back.
You know? I'm not coming back. And so
we had those conversations,
multiple conversations. And she's like, well, you need
to get picked up. And I said, it's
okay. My wife can be here. And we
have to decide to sign a whole bunch
of paperwork, you know, basically just for them
to let me free. And
they did. I left the ass. I think,
again, I think it was a grand total,
(32:02):
maybe 36 hours I was there, which is
nowhere near enough. I mean, it was enough
because here I am today, but I mean,
I should've finished whatever process they had for
me. But point of the story is, like,
I left that hospital that day. In my
mind, like, I was done. Like, I got
the help I needed because, I mean, I
needed the fluids. I needed some of that
medication. There's no doubt about it. I probably
(32:23):
did need more, but it would've made my
following week probably easier. But
the big part was I left that day
just knowing I'm done.
I'm done. This was my I escaped that
life. Like, I finally, like, just felt like
I escaped that life. And leaving that hospital
that day, like,
that was my moment. And honestly,
(32:46):
may I say I never looked back, but,
I mean, I look back and reminisce. But
in a larger sense, like, I've never looked
back since that day.
Wow.
And,
you know, you're you're you're still living life
with challenges
and kids and school and stress.
What do you think keeps you on that
path? How do you overcome
(33:07):
the demon that is addiction?
Yeah. And this is
this is that question. And it's like
I have had so many people reach out
to me and ask me this. I wished
there was like a sentence or 2 I
could say, like, these magical words that could
solve everybody's problem, but it's just
it's not there.
(33:28):
And actually, in the last couple weeks, I
read this book and they just talk about
these
I wouldn't say phenomena, but these things, these
innate things in life that just
they just happen.
And there doesn't necessarily
have to be a reason. And that can
depend on the kind of person you are
and different things you believe or how you
wanna look at stuff and I understand that.
(33:50):
But, like, to me
and this is just couple weeks ago. That
to me was like, wow, you know, I
don't need a reason or there may not
be a reason for this.
I say that because, like, all along, I've
tried to come up with that reason and
I think it's just there are so many
things that have went into this.
Everyday was a struggle.
Everyday is still a struggle in a sense.
(34:11):
Like, it's definitely it's not all like fucking
rainbows and unicorns. Like, there are
hard hard days.
It's that sitting with yourself,
that
believing in yourself, that figuring yourself out. That
journey
really inspired me from the beginning.
And it's also the fact of
(34:33):
I had a young marriage. I mean, I'm
in my thirties, but I had a young
marriage. I had
a young child. I have 2 now, but
at the time, I only had one child.
So, like, I had his life ahead of
me.
Me being a parent,
I had all these aspirations that I talked
before. I've always wanted to teach, you know.
I've always wanted to coach. I've always wanted
to run marathons. I've always wanted to do
(34:54):
ultra marathons. I've always I've never in my
life had
a real, like,
exercise workout routine, like, all these things that
I've dreamed about
for
20 years, more than 20 years. Like, suddenly,
it was like,
I can do them,
you know. I'm free.
(35:15):
I can do them.
I was alive. It was almost like it
was damn near like I was just born
again. I mean, really,
I had this, like,
permission
to chase all this down. And
honestly,
like, those things
are
what
catapulted this, I guess, you could say. I
definitely
(35:36):
bit off more than I like, most people
would say, don't bite off horn. You could
chew. Like, I did it all. Like, I
spent the 1st couple of months just simply
navigating life sober. Like, I mean, I had
no idea. Still to this day, I'm still
figuring out what it's like to navigate life
sober, you know, four and a half years
in because it's a whole new world, a
whole new
world. So I mean, doing that for a
couple of months and then, like I kinda
(35:57):
mentioned at the beginning, like, I wanted that
workout routine. So my sister-in-law talked me into
this local gym and I started doing these
boot camps every day or every other day,
and I just felt great. And went to
this plant based eating lifestyle, like,
it was just this accumulation of all this
stuff. And it's like, well, I can go
back to school now and I could chase
those dreams. So spent my days as a
(36:19):
stay at home dad just loving my kid
and, like, enjoying that freedom and, like, growing.
And then at night, I could just escape.
And instead of that dark dungeon like escape,
I was burying my head in books
and just, like, research
and all this other stuff, and it was
just all these amazing things that, like, I'd
(36:39):
always wanted. Those are the kind of things
that built me up. And then I remember
telling myself I wanna say it was before
my first day
of class actually. And this is before Hoffman.
This is before I even really knew what
a pattern or behavior was.
I told myself
that I'd seen these unhealthy patterns, these unhealthy
behaviors, like, I had seen all these unhealthy
(37:01):
shit my entire life. And I told myself
that stops with me. It is not
going on to my son or my future
children or anybody else. And, like, I have
held true to those words
ever since that day. I was like, this
stuff stops with me. And it sounds
it sounds simplistic sometimes but, like,
(37:23):
just repeating those words to you, like, it
can give you a jolt in the darkest
moments on the darkest days. And then all
you need sometimes is just that smallest catalyst
and that opens, like, all those different neural
pathways. Like,
oh, yeah. Like, let's go here. Let's go
there. Let's go here. Let's go here. You
know, like, we don't have to go backwards.
(37:44):
We don't have to go down into that
dark hole, you know. And even when we're
in that dark hole, sometimes we do just
need to sit in it.
But while we're sitting in it, understanding
again why we're there.
Why are we here?
How did we get here? Why are we
here? And what are we gonna do to
get out of it? And I've just continued
to get better at that amongst many other
(38:05):
things. And,
honestly, I think it's giant bowl of fruit.
I don't know how else to say it.
It's just this giant bowl of fruit that
I keep plucking from. So it's not just
like one magical sentence or, you know, a
couple magical words. Like, it's
just this plethora of fruit. Well, let me
ask you this.
Yeah. We're gonna go with this metaphor. Let
let me ask you this. In that bowl
(38:27):
of fruit,
how has
the fruit of the Hoffman process
continued to further you on this path?
I ask this a little bit as a
as a closer,
just because I I know the interview has
to come to an end soon, but I'd
be curious to hear
how you know, you've told the story.
You have done so much of this on
(38:49):
your own with very little help and stayed
the path even in the darkest moments. I
I love how you paint that it's not
all rosy
and it's not that I don't feel the
darkness, but when I feel the darkness,
I have this bowl of fruit. I have
options
that I get to choose from on how
I'm going to navigate this and how I'm
going to get to the other side.
(39:10):
And you mentioned, you know, after it sounds
like about a couple years of sobriety,
you wanted a little more and you went
to the Hoffman process. So I'm curious how
that helps you in day to day life
today.
Mildly speechless,
just because
sometimes I mean, words are hard like with
Hoffman. It's just it's hard. Hard in the
best way possible, if that makes sense.
(39:31):
For starters,
being able to feel good,
just being able to truly feel good. And
on on the flip side, being able to
truly feel bad
and just feel like shit, like, those dark
times that I described,
half the reason I could never get out
of them is because I don't think I
was truly even feeling them. Like, I was
so just monotone.
(39:52):
And Hoffman has given me this release to
truly, like,
live the highs and live the lows. You
know, you hear people say it, like, you
don't enjoy the good without the bad, and
that's so fucking true.
Hoffman,
for sure,
has given me I keep calling it permission,
but it's like it did like, I gave
myself permission after Hoffman just to feel, and
(40:13):
it's amazing. It's
so amazing.
A big thing I struggled with was imposter
syndrome. So now, here I am navigating this
world sober and doing all these great things,
you know,
rebooting my life, like, on this great path,
you know. My professors at school and, like,
the schools I work in and my family
(40:35):
and just everything is just great.
But
I always
felt
like it wasn't me, like, what am I
doing here? This is a joke. I don't
deserve this. This should be somebody I don't
belong here. Like, that imposter syndrome.
I don't have that anymore. And again, I
wish I had those few magical words to
sum it up. I mean, those that are
(40:56):
listening that have been Hoffman can relate a
lot more. But even though it's haven't, it's
just like it's this just this amazing
feeling
of
knowing who I am,
understanding
who I am, and being
so authentically
proud of that person
and just living
(41:16):
that person.
I understand that is me. I am him.
I can do this. Like, just having that
feeling, that aura around me, that light that
light, that was my vow at Hoffman. I
will authentically
just spread my light with love. And, I
mean, Hoffman,
I I, like, left there in this magic
flow state. I put it, like, you get
(41:38):
out of Hoffman.
You get out of it what you put
into it. And, like, I got exactly what
I needed out of it and what I
set out for. Another great moment that we
were in one of the classroom sessions, and
Ed was speaking. And we were we had
our eyes closed, and we're just
doing work. And he just stops. He pauses.
(41:58):
He says, now does everybody hear that? And
I remember
looking around inside my head because my eyes
were closed. But I'm like, hear what? And
but that was the point.
And he said, nothing.
Nothing.
You hear nothing.
Even in the moment, I was like, oh,
wow. Yeah. Wow. Like, I do hear nothing.
That was, like, overlooked
(42:20):
at the time because
I started to think
days after I left, weeks after I left,
I didn't even realize it at first.
Holy shit. I don't have voices in my
head all the time.
That was half the reason I feel like
I drank and tried to escape the world
because my brain never shut off. I was
always dealing with somebody else's problem or my
own problem or living in the past or
(42:41):
trying to solve something that couldn't be solved.
Just all these, like,
conversations and banter and arguments just back and
forth in my head. It was all in
my head. And that and I as I
sit here and talk to you tonight, like,
those aren't there.
It was scary as hell. My life was
built around chaos. That's how I knew to
survive was chaos. So it was scary to
not have those voices. It was almost like
(43:02):
a comma, like a little blankie for a
little kid. They were my thing. You know?
If nothing else, I could go to the
voices and, like, solve a problem that didn't
need to be solved.
Actually, owning and realizing and understanding,
like, all that space I have in my
head now and all that free time in
my head,
all the amazing shit that I can do
with it, that is the Hoffman pouring out
(43:24):
of me every day. That's how I look
at it. I love what you said about
it's almost like the chaos
that was your coping. That was it wasn't
just all you knew. It was what you
thought was how you survive.
That quiet
is such a gift, but in the beginning,
it was overwhelming and scary.
I think that's really important for us to
(43:44):
hear whether we've done the process or not
to know that the other side is not
all unicorns and rainbows, and it's scary.
But, man,
you know, to your point, you suddenly can
feel.
You can feel good and bad, but you
can feel. 100%.
Actually, I wrote down a quote to that
(44:05):
feeling.
It said,
when there is no enemy within, the enemy
outside cannot do any harm. That's another thing
that just stuck with me. This constant battle
with yourself
and all this stuff in the past and
all this just just nonsense.
When we as humans, we can look inside,
and we're not gonna be a 100% satisfied
(44:27):
with everything.
But when we cannot fight with ourselves, when
we cannot agonize over stuff,
nobody
nobody can hurt you.
I feel like when you're good with you,
nobody can truly hurt you. Oh, I love
that. Can you say the quote again? When
there's no enemy within, the enemy outside
cannot do any harm. And that is why
(44:49):
we do what we do.
Beautiful place to pause. And I say pause
because I feel like there is so much
more, and I'd love to hear more. But
for right now, we do need to pause
for the sake of the interview.
But thank you,
Corey, for for sharing
so much of your
truth of your story,
of your humility
(45:10):
of your journey,
and
showing us how the layers continue to unfold.
There was that one pivotal moment in July
of 2020,
but then there was another moment. I think
you called it your first kind of breakdown,
first meltdown in sobriety.
And then there was Hoffman coming into your
world, and then there's still unknown layers that
(45:32):
are going to happen, but there is no
question
that you are going to be able to
look it in the eye and get to
the other side.
Absolutely.
And that is beautiful.
As my great teacher said, suck the bone
marrow out of life. Even in the biggest
realms of life, we can travel, we can
do all these extraordinary things, but just
sucking the bone marrow out of the simplest
(45:53):
things, simplest things in life,
I think that's it's something awesome to hold
on to. Beautiful.
Well, thank you, Corey, so much. That was,
so touching and inspirational.
And thank you for sharing with the the
two quotes towards the end and for your
presence.
Thank you for having me. This is this
is great.
(46:23):
Thank you for listening to our podcast. My
name is Liza Ingrassy.
I'm the CEO and president of Hoffman Institute
Foundation.
And I'm Razi Ingrassi,
Hoffman teacher and founder of the Hoffman Institute
Foundation.
Our mission is to provide people greater access
to the wisdom and power of love. In
themselves,
in each other, and in the world.
(46:44):
To find out more, please go to hompaninstitute.org.
All these things that I've dreamed about for
20 years, more than 20 years,
suddenly it was like, I can do them.
I'm free.
I can do them. I was alive. It
was almost like it was damn near like
I was just born again. I mean, really.
Welcome to Love's Everyday Radius,
a podcast brought to you by the Hoffman
(00:22):
Institute.
I'm your host, Sharon Moore, and I hope
that you enjoy today's conversation
and that the stories shared by our graduates
impact,
move, and inspire you.
Please be aware that this episode references
substance abuse.
Please use your discretion.
(00:50):
My guest today is Corey Britt, a man
who has navigated addiction,
faced his demons head on,
and done the work to stay on the
path of sobriety.
He shattered his lifelong limiting belief statements
and confronted his patterns
all so that he can be his most
authentic self and do what he's always wanted
(01:11):
to do
to be a present father,
husband,
friend,
son, and brother,
and
to be a school teacher.
I hope you enjoy this inspiring episode.
Corey, welcome to the show. Hi, Sharon. Thanks
for having me. Well, Corey, let's let's start
from the beginning of Hoffman being in your
(01:33):
life.
When did you take the process and what
was going on in your life that brought
you to the Hoffman Institute?
I took the process,
at the beginning of June this year, so
in Petaluma, California.
I was
just
honestly feeling a little lost,
feeling like I needed a little bit more.
(01:53):
I get I probably should preface with, my
background. So
36 years old now,
but I spent most of my teenage years
and my twenties and, I mean,
almost damn near half my
life as an alcoholic.
Started when I was probably about 12 drinking
with some buddies, you know, just having fun,
(02:16):
or at least I thought I was having
fun. And that progressed
rapidly again through my teenage years in my
twenties. Turned into
a full blown alcoholism.
I hit it from almost everybody my entire
life. I,
really lost just kinda drifting through life
when I was 32. So July 26, 2020
(02:36):
actually was my,
breaking point, I guess you would call it,
and I've been sober ever since that day.
I did all this kind of on my
own.
I changed my lifestyle completely, really.
My diet,
my exercise routine,
going back to school in my thirties,
all this stuff happened
kind of abruptly. But I knew I needed
to change.
(02:57):
Didn't wanna do it with medications
or therapy sessions.
Not that those things aren't all great. And,
I mean, everybody kinda has their own thing,
you know? Do it your own way or
do what's best for you. And I told
myself throughout all those struggles that I survived
in my life that
I finally had this chance. And if I
was gonna do it, I wanna do it
my way. And I wanted to do it
(03:18):
as holistically as possible,
which I feel like I was doing a
great job at. I just needed something more.
And again, therapy was never never really my
route. I just didn't see the benefit in
it for myself.
One thing that was working for me very
well was just, like, I mean, reading all
the time or listening to podcasts.
(03:38):
And actually, I love listening to Rich Roll.
He's kind of a huge inspiration on me
listening to probably 100 at this point, 100
of his episodes.
I found relation in almost every single one
of them, no matter who the guest was,
whether it was a recovering addict themselves,
scientists, psychologists,
doctors,
an ultra marathon runner, whoever it was. I
(04:00):
seem to find this connection some way or
another.
With that being said, I was listening to
a,
podcast one day on ritual. His guest was
Ken Rideout. I had never heard of Ken
before. Still don't know a lot about him,
honestly. I'd love to meet the guy someday.
He was an ultra marathon runner, like I
kinda said. And I believe this is his
second stint on Rich's show, and he was
(04:20):
talking about a race he did. I believe
it was in Morocco, maybe. I don't wanna
say for sure. But in the, midst of
the podcast, he was talking about just kinda
some of the struggles he had in his
life, and there was some on-site workshops
in Tennessee, I believe, that he mentioned
he went to. And I just instantly I
was like, wow.
That sounds like me. That sounds like something
(04:42):
great, you know. Just, you know, busy guy,
2 young kids, back in school, like, really
just on this trajectory of life right now.
And
I don't have time for certain things, but
this just sounded great, you know? Go sit
me down somewhere. Lock me away. Let's just
hammer this out, you know? I did a
little research into it, and
the costs in Tennessee are pretty pricey. You
(05:03):
know, it's outweighing, you know, can my family
do this? Can we not? I mean, I
knew my life was important because without me
being
of the power of my full self, like,
that hurts everybody around me. So I was
like, well, I gotta take this seriously. So
I did some more research. I was like,
I just don't know if it's me. And
I started talking to my wife about it
and
she's like, you know, if we need to,
I mean, something we can consider.
(05:25):
I was like, I just don't know. And
she actually I'm not on a lot of
social media platforms, but
she reached out to Ken right out via
without my knowledge. And
I guess he replied back to her within
an hour or 2.
And he said, you know, there's this place
called Hoffman that I
(05:46):
have had friends that I've went to and
I've heard a lot about. It's fairly similar
to these on-site workshops. Have him check it
out and, you know, see what he thinks.
And so I did. I immediately after she
told me that I was, a, floored that
she did it, and, b,
just floored that he replied back so graciously
and quickly.
And most of all, just
(06:06):
happy that he sent me Hoffman is kinda
how I look at it now today.
I did a little bit of research. I
mean, the best you can do. Right? Google,
check out your guys' website. I was like,
yes. I mean, this this is exactly what
I want right now, and this is this
is what I feel like I need right
now. So I called up. I wanna say,
actually, this is probably in January of
this year, so 2024.
(06:27):
Again, at this time, I almost I called
just like my first melt down in my
sobriety,
a couple weeks before my first intake call.
A lot of things melted and built up,
and I just kind of I went in
my basement and I just cried one day,
and I called my wife and I said,
can you please come home from work and
be with the kids? Like, I just I
don't know, I just went on overload that
(06:49):
day. And I think I've been trying to
carry too much and deal with too much.
I mean, that's been the story of my
life for a lot of it. Anyways, I
kinda had this breakdown moment and that's when
I kinda knew I needed to do something.
So I was explaining all this in my
intake phone call, and she's like, yeah. I
mean, I think you can you would get
a lot out of us. And I'm like,
well, how soon can I come? You know?
Tried to get in in spring last year,
(07:10):
and it just wasn't working with timing in
my schooling and stuff. And I said, you
know what? I can do this for another
6 months. I've I booked
a spot in June. And for those 6
months in between, I just kind of envisioned
my life
in that setting. Like, what was it gonna
be like? It kinda almost trained my mind
as something new to think about and something
(07:31):
like, there is help out there. There is
help. Like, it's coming, and it kind of
bought me some time. But it also
it totally made me circle back and just
go back to all the fundamental things that
I installed in myself. You know, just sitting
with yourself.
You know, just sitting with all that shit
that I suffered through for years years years
and
just really trying to understand how I am
(07:53):
the way I am, why I am the
way I am, what I do with those
things.
So it was like before I even went
to Hoffman, Hoffman, like, reset me. And those
6 months were still hard, but it was
almost like the sense relief. Like, there's I've
always been looking for something, and now it's
on my horizons.
(08:13):
I mean, that's that's kind of that story.
And then came June or the end of
May, actually, and California, here I come.
Well, let me let me pause at some
timeline points that you that you named. Let's
go back to the original breaking point. You
said you were 32 years old. It was
July 26,
2020.
What happened and why was this different than
(08:35):
the other 20 plus years of your life?
What was the flavor and and why was
it so different?
The flavors are still undescribable.
For all those years, I wanted to break
free from that lifestyle.
I was never quite sure how. I mean,
clearly, that was the addiction winning almost my
entire life.
But it was
(08:55):
these endless moments of just not knowing better,
not knowing what I would truly do on
the other side. Like, I had all these
aspirations and dreams, but I think I was
kinda terrified of them because I always told
myself, like, I couldn't chase these things down.
I can't do it when I'm a drunk.
I mean, partially, it's all I ever knew.
Right? I mean, I started when I was
12 and, you know, I mean, it wasn't
heavy in my teens and stuff, but it
(09:16):
was heavier than it should have been. And
throughout all those years too, I was told,
you know, you're you're such a great person.
You've got a big heart and all this
other stuff. And, I mean, I was part
of my community. It wasn't like I was
recluse. I wasn't hiding out. You know, I
was pretty out in the open. I mean,
I was a very high functioning alcoholic.
I would say it reinforced all my behaviors.
You know? I mean, I'm getting along great
(09:37):
with people. I'm fairly successful in my job.
I'm doing things that I want.
Mean, even though I felt like I was
drifting, society kind of viewed me as, like,
well, you're doing fine. You know?
I had a boss tell me once, like,
well, your 50% is better than most people's
90. And it's just like, well, shit. You
know, if I'm doing this in this lifestyle,
like, you know, I can't quit. If I'm
(09:58):
not, you know, drinking anymore or doing drugs
anymore, like, am I gonna be as good
of a person? And I think it just
snowballed throughout the years, really.
Looking back on it now, I mean, I
can definitely say I was using
alcohol as the solution,
and it's not the problem. Like, I was
treating alcohol like it was the problem. Like,
that was my big issue with alcohol. But,
(10:18):
really, I was just using alcohol as a
solution.
I never dealt
with those problems. People say, oh, you're treating
the symptoms. You're not treating the problem. And
that is that's most definitely what I did
throughout most of my life. And I think
I mean, to get down to the very
beginning, I mean, like I said, I started
drinking with my buddies from probably 12, 13
years old. And come to realize it coincided
(10:40):
very much with my parents' divorce, which happened
right around the same time. My parents were
both very young when they had me. My
mom was 15. My dad was 17.
Basically, we kinda grew up together. I never
really had those true parental figures. They were
always there in the sense of, you've got
a roof over your head. You've got food.
I mean, even though, you know, I was
fighting tooth and nail for food and keeping
(11:01):
the electricity on and stuff like that, but,
like, we had it. And so I always
grew up thinking, well, you know, I have
the greatest parents in the world because they
did this for me, which is true in
a sense. But, I mean, we all know,
you know, we need more as children. And
I didn't know all this at the time,
but I had this empty pit. And
when my mom left, my dad
(11:22):
did his best taking care of me and
my 3 younger sisters. But that led into,
I mean, so many different avenues. We can
go down here. It's just I think one
of the big ones was my dad, like
I said, treated me. We were like best
friends. And
it seems great on the surface, but I
needed that dad. You know, I needed that
guidance. And instead, I got somebody to chill
(11:42):
with and somebody to hang out with. And
honestly, he didn't really have many people either,
especially after this happened. He kinda shut himself
off, and I was his sounding board.
I heard everything and anything that I shouldn't
have. And I think that made me resent
my mother a little more.
It put me in these
very terrible situations, really. And again, at the
(12:04):
time, I didn't know any of this. I
mean, I thought this is just growing up.
I thought this is just the way it
was. I thought this is just who I
was. And I mean, it was in a
sense. These things kinda carried on throughout the
years. Our relationship stayed about the same as
far as me and my father. My mom
was in and out for most of my
life then after 12.
She did have a good stint for about,
(12:24):
I don't know, it's 8 to 10 years
when my youngest sister, so my half sister
was born. She was around a little more,
which gave everybody a little stability except especially
my younger sisters, you know. But then there
was me. I was living this life that
I thought was great, you know. Of course,
it's great to be raised by all else.
You can do whatever the hell you want
whenever you want and all those other stuff.
But I mean, you crash hard when that
happens, and you crash hard when you don't
(12:46):
have that system to rely on. And, I
mean, I have a big family, like, as
far as aunts and uncles.
Very loving family. Like, my mom and dad
love the shit out of us kids. It's
just not in the right ways or not
how we needed it, I guess, if that
makes sense. And so the I mean, this
carried out through, again, my teens, and my
drinking and partying got progressively
(13:08):
worse with my buddies.
I have 4 best friends, and we've been
best friends since we were 5. Kindergarten together.
Great school together. Middle school, high school. All
throughout still to this day, actually. We still,
hang out, which we'll probably get to here
in a little bit. So I'd say hit
my mid twenties, and some of them went
off to school. Actually, most of them did,
but one. And I stayed back home because
I didn't I didn't have any aspirations, you
(13:30):
know, college. And that was never talked about
in my house. It's kinda, you know, just
get a job. How can you make money?
How can you survive?
So that led then in my early twenties
to start hanging out with a little bit
of different crowd.
That's when the drugs happened. You know, I
dabbled in the cocaine, the ecstasy, the mushrooms,
just different stuff like that. I was just
always kind of trying to find a place,
I think. It's the way I see it
(13:50):
now. So I was just trying to find
a place to fit in, and I always
turned to those things because it's all I
seemingly knew, which I guess makes sense too.
The fact my mom's side was riddled with
alcohol and drug problems.
My dad's side, not so much, but they
definitely had some issues. But, yeah, as far
as my mom's side, I mean, loved my
mom's side. Grew up my grandparents, grew up
with my uncle, but I mean, like everybody,
(14:12):
everybody's got their shit and they had a
lot of it. And I saw that as
basically all that was or all that all
that there is in this world to offer.
So again, I think it just kinda became
part of my identity.
Not to belabor too much on these same
things, but that carried, I mean, again, through
my twenties. And it was just endless different
(14:33):
spots of like, you look back now and
you're like, well, do you have any regrets
or whatever? It's like the whole, yeah, I
live my life and it's why I am
where I am today. Like, I do get
that and I did believe in that, but
it's also like, yeah. I was having a
ton of fun, but
really to what extent? Like, you know, yeah,
I had a great 2 hours, but then,
like, I blacked out for 12 or 14
and woke up the next day and just
(14:54):
drifted through the day. And, oh, I thought
I was living and loving life, but, yeah,
I mean, far far far from it. I
was coaching basketball so much I love to
do working with kids. And
at this point, when I say football and
alcoholic, like, there I mean, it wasn't every
day I was going pounding the bottles. There's
definitely many days like that. There are some
days where it's just a beer or 2,
(15:15):
you know, at 9 o'clock at night just
to get me through and things like that.
So that's where, like, the managing this lifestyle
that I thought I wanted came into play.
And I'm like, well, I gotta do something
more with myself. So I got this new
job at this manufacturing plant because the girlfriend
I had at the time had family working
there. And, like, oh, this would be great,
you know. I'll get a job, make some
more money. I can do my business on
(15:36):
the side. I had started my own painting
and remodeling business. And I was like, this
is life. Right? Make a ton of money
and just
fuck around all day. Well, again, it was
great while it lasted, but I ended up
hating my job. It was just I mean,
I tried working on the floor, like the
factory part of it, the manufacturing part of
it. I tried dabbling in the management part
of it. I tried just all this stuff
and it just wasn't fulfilled. And at this
(15:57):
point, I should mention I met my wife.
I had that I held that job for
about 6 years, I believe, and I met
my wife 4 years into that.
It was again okay. Now I found somebody
that I care deeply about,
you know, could see myself
with
long term. So do I make any changes?
And I was still kinda like, you know?
I mean, I had girlfriends and whatnot, but
(16:19):
this is the first time, like, you know,
this might be a good idea, you know,
to choose a different route. I was like,
but she's a big girl, so, you know,
she can fend for herself. Like, you know,
I can still do my own thing and
whatever else.
But I went about a year, I think.
Getting up at 5 AM,
hungover as shit, going to work, just hating
the day and doing everything I could to
come home and forget it. And I mean,
(16:40):
I hid hid drinking from her. Again, I
hid it from my sisters, my friends. I
mean, again, nobody
nobody really knew. People knew I drank a
lot, but I don't nobody had any idea
that it was just this massive problem, like,
massive closet drinker, massive
just destroying myself every night. Like, if I
needed to hide it, I'd wait till 9
o'clock when she went to bed, and I
(17:01):
would go pound, you know, half liter of
vodka just to piss the day away and
get up at 5 in the morning and
go through the steps. And, again, I'd struggled
with these kind of things throughout,
but it was really just building up and
I could sense it. You know, I'm just
like, how much longer can I do this?
And July 2019
came, and
(17:21):
our our son was born.
And that that hit me like a train.
Like, you know, I've had this conversation with
people before and they're like, well, if you
were so bad, like, how did you care?
And I was like, you know, I don't
I don't I think it was just this
feeling, like, of always wanting to move on
with my life, always wanting to escape these,
you know, clutches and grips of this just
devilish
(17:42):
stuff. And you never wanna put it on
a child, but I mean, when he came,
my life was just like, woah. Now it's
not just me. You know, my wife was
a big girl. Like, this little human, like,
this is a whole
different world.
I struggled
for a good 6 to 9 months after
he was born. It was a new game
(18:03):
of chess then. You know? Not only was
it how do I function every day, how
do I make everybody else happy, how do
I
do all these things yet still get my
fix somewhere?
And now you have to add in, okay,
now I have to take care of this
little human on top of it and then,
like, you know, I get my fix. But
what if he's waking up in the middle
of the night? Or what if my wife
(18:23):
needs help? Or, like, what if the worst
case scenario, like, they both need help in
the middle of the night? Now I have
to drive. Like, it was just all these
things that just came rushing. And I think
that was I call it momentum now. I
think that was the momentum that was building
up inside of me.
So it's July through the summer and fall
of 2019, and then that thing that they
call COVID happened.
(18:44):
And I say it like that, and I
say it jokingly, and I don't mean it
because I know a lot of people have
went through just terrible, terrible times in COVID.
It was a travesty in many different ways.
But I can't lie about it and sit
here and say COVID wasn't the greatest thing
that ever happened to me because it, hands
down, was.
My job, they laid us all off for
a while just at the beginning because, I
(19:06):
mean, nobody knew what the hell is going
on. Right? And they're like, well, we can't
have people around each other. We can't do
this. Businesses are here shutting down, so it's
affecting our supply line. It's just
all this whatever. So they closed us down
for a little while.
So here I was. I'm like, okay. Well,
great. I got some time off. We've had
wanted to do some remodeling to our house.
And I was always doing little projects, but
(19:26):
we wanted to redo the bathroom. And I'm
like, well, I got some time now. And
I told my wife. I was like, what
do you think? You know, I can redo
the bathroom, you know? She's like, oh, yeah.
Sure. So her and Lincoln and my son,
Lincoln, they went and stayed at her parents
who live about 15 minutes from us. They
have a farm outside of
outside in the glares where we live. And
so they went and stayed there for the
week, basically, is what I was saying. I
was gonna tear up the bath, work all
(19:47):
hours, and I make a big mess. And
I think we got about 3, 4 days
in, and
I hadn't done a damn thing. Like, I
I mean, I thought I was doing stuff,
but, like, I was just drinking all day.
All night, I was like, man, I got
free rein here. You know, I'll get stuff
done. And, again, like I said, it was
about day 3 or 4. I kinda, like,
looked down the hallway, and I'm like, what
(20:07):
the fuck?
And
I was just like, you know, this is
you know, sums up. And I kinda called
my wife, and
I honestly don't remember exactly what I said,
but something along the lines of, like, you
know, something's wrong. You know, I'm not getting
anything done. I think we should talk. So
that was the first time I ever flat
out told anybody
what was really going on with me and
(20:29):
how I was functioning or what not functioning
and just what was going on. And she
was shell shocked. I mean, she
floored. She had no idea. I mean, she
handled it like a champ. I said, just
I don't know. She was so graceful and
it all. But that was my beginning of
the coming up party, I guess, you could
say. So she came after work one day,
and she's she's like, yeah. You know, I
(20:51):
was kinda wondering, and my mom was wondering
because, again, my son was 10, 15 minutes
away. So if I'm just working, you know,
during the day or whatever, I would've went
out to the farm for dinner and, like,
seen my son, like, all this stuff, and
I was nothing. I would shut myself off
pretending like I was fixing this bathroom. That's
all I could do. That was the first
time, like, red flags were going off. Like,
my sister sister stopped by to pick something
(21:12):
up, and I just put it out in
the driveway for for her and her husband
to pick up, which is something I would
never have done. Like and I didn't notice
any of this at the time, but looking
back on it now, I'm like, woah. It
was that bad.
So are you saying that that week
was uncharacteristically
more intense
(21:32):
of you kind of drinking and being disconnected?
Like, it was this culminating point.
Yes. It was what I was doing on
most days for a very short period of
time. Some nights, I'd bury myself at 9
and drink for an hour. I mean, yeah,
I'd binge drink, but, like, it was only
for an hour or 2. I mean, there's
definitely days where I just cut off, you
(21:53):
know, 2, 3 in the afternoon, like, see
you later. But this was like I feel
like I woke up and I was living,
eating, drinking,
breathing alcohol.
I mean, I'd had those days. I'd had
benders in my life but this was just
different. This was just like
whoosh, like everything coming head on. So it
was kinda like the standstill then. Okay. Well,
(22:13):
what do we do, you know? Like, what
do I do? My wife, I don't think
really knew. And then I instantly
the addiction was still winning and it wasn't
like I truly broke free. I wasn't ready
to be done yet. I was letting people
know, but I definitely wasn't done yet.
From March on, I kind of pretended.
You know, I can just socially drink when
(22:34):
we're out to out at the farm or
out with friends. You know, I can have
a couple drinks and be fine. Yeah. I
have this problem and that was a really
big problem, but I can fix it. And
these are stuff I told myself for years,
but, you know, this is now
out loud to people, out loud to my
wife, out loud to everybody.
They all thought, okay. Well, you know, we're
we're shocked that this is even going on
(22:54):
or this is real life. So if he
says he's got it under control, then he
must have it under control. Right? He didn't.
It spiraled. It continued spiraling for,
a couple months.
Then came my son's first birthday,
and I left that night just thinking, like,
he's 1 now. Time's gonna just keep going,
you know. It's it's not stopping for me.
I have to fix this. Lo and behold,
(23:16):
a couple of days later, I've had I've
had back problems most of my life. And
my back was acting up my disc, and
I just couldn't really move. And
my mind is, you know, just tough and
I'll get through it because I've been through
it with my wife. Like, no way. You
know, I'm taking into the doctors. I'm like,
I know what they're gonna do and whatever.
She's like, well, so let's go. And I'm
like, well, they're gonna hot me up on
painkillers and they're gonna tell me to do
(23:36):
physical therapy and they're gonna say, are you
doing your stretches? Are you doing this? Which
I, you know, I wasn't doing any of
that. And it's a part of me that
had dabbled in painkillers for multiple years in
my early twenties. Like, I knew better especially
the amount of alcohol I was drinking. I
was like, just bad recipe, bad recipe.
I was like, well, I guess I'll bring
it for a few days because my wife's
gonna make me go to the doctor and,
you know, so here come the painkillers, which
(23:57):
was
fine because I was just gonna get another
high in a different way. So I was
like, okay. Great. So I remember going to
the urgent care and just laying on their
floor in the basement.
Probably looked absolutely ridiculous. But, I mean, I
was withdrawing
and I mean, my back was in extreme
pain, so it's just a culmination of all
this stuff.
I didn't put it all together at the
time, but so I started taking these painkillers.
(24:20):
And I went home that night
and
I mean, I was
shaking
visibly, like, vomiting and just just wrong, just
just not good. And then the guy went
through small withdrawal symptoms here and there, but
this was like full bore just body shutting
down. And again, it was another, like, I
feel bad because my wife thinks she just
had no idea. You know, she I kept
(24:40):
telling her, I'll just get
through it. And I know she wanted help
but she had no idea how. And put
my son to bed that night and
I went in our spare bedroom and I
just I mean, I was shaking
and screaming and just not good that night.
And
she kinda came in to control me a
little bit and like, you know, is there
anything I can do? And I just kinda
(25:00):
said, No. And I laid there and contemplated,
you know, like, Okay.
How are you gonna get this through this
one? What the fuck are you gonna do
this time, Corey? How are you gonna pull
this off? You know, you've done this thousands
of times,
but how are you gonna do this one?
Because this just felt different. And a couple
hours went by and, man, this is vivid,
like reliving this. I don't do this often.
(25:22):
So I went back into our bedroom and
I laid on the bed, and
I kept dozing in and out and closing
my eyes and just still sweating and shaking.
And I just remember closing my eyes once.
I honestly felt like I was never gonna
wake up again. I never had that feeling
before. I kept opening my eyes. They told
myself, don't keep them closed. Like, I was
(25:43):
terrified. Like, to this day, that's the only
thing I when I think of death, like,
that's what I think is that's how it's
gonna feel. Our bed was right next to
the air conditioner, the the venting unit for
the air and the heat. So you mean
your air conditioning in the middle of July,
Wisconsin at least. So you're it's kicking on
probably every, you know, 15, 20 minutes, whatever
it is. And I just remember trying to
fight to keep my eyes open. And, of
(26:05):
course, I couldn't. Every time the air would
kick on,
I would wake up. And it was almost
like it jump started my heart. Like, I
would give this
gasp.
And I just it was so intense. I
just remember this.
And I was, like, alive again. And I
was like, oh, shit. Like, this then now
is the feeling. Like, don't close your eyes.
(26:25):
And then, of course, it was probably, you
know, 15, 20 minutes.
You know, every time that air kicked in,
I was like, wow. Like, I mean, still
to this day, I like I look at
my air conditioner and it's like this odd
relationship we have. Like, you saved my life.
If it wouldn't have kicked in, would I
have woke up? I don't know. It's just
it's wild. But
so this went on, I mean, into the
early morning then on 26th. I I wanna
(26:45):
say 1 or 2 AM. I can't say
for sure, but I finally just I asked
myself again, like, what the hell are you
gonna do? What are you gonna do? Like,
you can't escape this one, you know. And
I yelled to my wife. I said,
just do it. And she's like, what? Do
what? What are you talking about? I said,
just call the fucking ambulance.
Just call them and bring them here. And
(27:06):
so she did. I mean, I wasn't thinking
about at the time. But on the ride
and even in the hospital, the first thing
I'm worrying about, my god, we live in
a small town, 2,000 people. Like, I know
the empty like, this is just there's no
getting out of this one. But that is
exactly, I think, what my head needed.
Like, I needed that. And in that moment,
I knew I was done. Like, when I
(27:28):
yelled to her, call the ambulance, like, I
was 100%
done. Never in my life before that
in 32 years at the time, like, was
I ever just, like, done? I was like,
yeah. I wanna be done. Yeah. It could
be done. Well, I'm done for the day
or I'm done for a week, but, you
know, I'm fine. This was like, nope. 100%.
Fuck it. I'm done.
(27:49):
They took me to the hospital and took
me, I mean, in the emergency room, did
a whole bunch of tests. I told them
as much as I could. And reading the
reports, I I was pretty accurate. You know,
I told them. I was like, yeah. I
drink all this and yeah. Yeah. It's been
years years years. And apparently, I mean, I
don't remember, but the condition I mean, they
put me right in the ICU.
They thought the worst was yet to come.
(28:10):
So they started me on all these different
meds and IVs. And so that went through
that night.
Throughout the next day, I mean, different doctors,
different counselors. I mean, the county
health services were in there just counseling, just,
you know, asking me questions and kinda, you
know, trying to, you know, see what I
was about and what I, you know, know,
what I was there for, what my story
(28:31):
was, what I was gonna do next. And
I just looked down on those.
I didn't give him the time of day.
And
I say that, like, I don't feel like
I was disrespectful,
but I just I was like, nah. No.
Sorry. And
I did that because, I mean, I was
so stubborn. Still, I'm stubborn, but
when I was drinking I mean, as stubborn
as you could be. And I was like,
no. You know, I got this. And I
(28:51):
just kinda had that mentality. And they all
looked at me like, okay. You know, we'll
try again later. And so that kinda happened
for the next few hours again. And then
I had this nurse. She was my nurse
overnight,
both nights. I vividly remember my first night
there. I call it night there even though
I showed up in the middle of morning
or night. But and she came back on
the following day, and I had her through
the night. She was just this great person,
(29:13):
a real human being. She wasn't like the
counselors and the doctors and the whatever whatever.
She was just like straight up, sit down,
tell you some stories. I wanna hear your
stories. And I'm like, yes. You are my
kind of people. Like, I was laying in
this hospital bed in the darkest moment of
my life all along. So, of course, I
was searching for something, like, she was just
this perfect fit. And I've actually I've reached
out to her, like, I think a year
(29:35):
or 2 ago, I reached out to her
and just told her. She's like, I'm so
happy to hear that. You know, I was
trying to keep tabs on you and it's
just like, it's just this mutual, like, bonding
moment. It was just awesome. So I had
her, and we, like, continue these conversations. She
just told me told me stories about her
brother and his struggles and all this other
stuff. And so we got into the next
morning, and I'm like, I saw us there
(29:55):
maybe not even 36 hours. And I was
like, I need to walk. What's gonna get
me out of here? And she's like, get
you out of here. And I said, yeah.
Get me out of here. She's like, oh,
no. It's a long process. You know, doctors
I didn't know any better. I was not
even. I'm like, I'm better now. You guys
give me some meds. Give me out here.
And she's like, no. No. No. No. But
she let me try and walk. You know,
I grabbed my IV thing and I was
walking around in circles. I mean, it looks
(30:17):
like a baby giraffe, I think, just stumbling
around.
But I'm like, you know, I'm doing it.
She's like, yeah, you are. I mean, 12
hours ago, we couldn't even roll you in
a bed. And I'm just like, what?
So the doctor came in a short bit
later and I'm like, I gotta leave tomorrow
morning first thing. And she's like, I'm sorry.
You know, we can't do that. You know,
there's so much to happen yet. You know,
(30:39):
we have serious medications we wanna give you.
Like, the worst is still coming, like, your
seizures and all sort of stuff. You know,
we gotta be on the lookout for all
of this stuff. And I'm like, no. You
know, I just kept telling her I got
this. I got this. I got this. And
she's like, let's rest on it. So I
slept
and woke up the next morning. I had
my bags packed. And they all came in
just looking at me like I'm crazy. And
(30:59):
I said, no. I gotta go. I just
I need and she sat down. And again,
she was doing her job and I I
hated her. I hated this doctor in the
moment.
But I look back on it and and
she was definitely just doing her job. I
mean, she's looking out for me. She was
doing what a doctor should and I was
just not giving her the time of day.
But on the same token,
(31:21):
she
gave me that chip. That was just one
of those chips I needed on my shoulder
when she told me, well, what's your plan
for when you come back here?
And I said, excuse me?
She's just like, what's your plan for when
you come back here? And I'm like, well,
I'm not coming back. And she's probably like
she's laughing like, okay. You fucking idiot. I've
heard that a 1000 times. And I'm just
(31:42):
like, no. I'm not I'm not coming back.
You know? I'm not coming back. And so
we had those conversations,
multiple conversations. And she's like, well, you need
to get picked up. And I said, it's
okay. My wife can be here. And we
have to decide to sign a whole bunch
of paperwork, you know, basically just for them
to let me free. And
they did. I left the ass. I think,
again, I think it was a grand total,
(32:02):
maybe 36 hours I was there, which is
nowhere near enough. I mean, it was enough
because here I am today, but I mean,
I should've finished whatever process they had for
me. But point of the story is, like,
I left that hospital that day. In my
mind, like, I was done. Like, I got
the help I needed because, I mean, I
needed the fluids. I needed some of that
medication. There's no doubt about it. I probably
(32:23):
did need more, but it would've made my
following week probably easier. But
the big part was I left that day
just knowing I'm done.
I'm done. This was my I escaped that
life. Like, I finally, like, just felt like
I escaped that life. And leaving that hospital
that day, like,
that was my moment. And honestly,
(32:46):
may I say I never looked back, but,
I mean, I look back and reminisce. But
in a larger sense, like, I've never looked
back since that day.
Wow.
And,
you know, you're you're you're still living life
with challenges
and kids and school and stress.
What do you think keeps you on that
path? How do you overcome
(33:07):
the demon that is addiction?
Yeah. And this is
this is that question. And it's like
I have had so many people reach out
to me and ask me this. I wished
there was like a sentence or 2 I
could say, like, these magical words that could
solve everybody's problem, but it's just
it's not there.
(33:28):
And actually, in the last couple weeks, I
read this book and they just talk about
these
I wouldn't say phenomena, but these things, these
innate things in life that just
they just happen.
And there doesn't necessarily
have to be a reason. And that can
depend on the kind of person you are
and different things you believe or how you
wanna look at stuff and I understand that.
(33:50):
But, like, to me
and this is just couple weeks ago. That
to me was like, wow, you know, I
don't need a reason or there may not
be a reason for this.
I say that because, like, all along, I've
tried to come up with that reason and
I think it's just there are so many
things that have went into this.
Everyday was a struggle.
Everyday is still a struggle in a sense.
(34:11):
Like, it's definitely it's not all like fucking
rainbows and unicorns. Like, there are
hard hard days.
It's that sitting with yourself,
that
believing in yourself, that figuring yourself out. That
journey
really inspired me from the beginning.
And it's also the fact of
(34:33):
I had a young marriage. I mean, I'm
in my thirties, but I had a young
marriage. I had
a young child. I have 2 now, but
at the time, I only had one child.
So, like, I had his life ahead of
me.
Me being a parent,
I had all these aspirations that I talked
before. I've always wanted to teach, you know.
I've always wanted to coach. I've always wanted
to run marathons. I've always wanted to do
(34:54):
ultra marathons. I've always I've never in my
life had
a real, like,
exercise workout routine, like, all these things that
I've dreamed about
for
20 years, more than 20 years. Like, suddenly,
it was like,
I can do them,
you know. I'm free.
(35:15):
I can do them.
I was alive. It was almost like it
was damn near like I was just born
again. I mean, really,
I had this, like,
permission
to chase all this down. And
honestly,
like, those things
are
what
catapulted this, I guess, you could say. I
definitely
(35:36):
bit off more than I like, most people
would say, don't bite off horn. You could
chew. Like, I did it all. Like, I
spent the 1st couple of months just simply
navigating life sober. Like, I mean, I had
no idea. Still to this day, I'm still
figuring out what it's like to navigate life
sober, you know, four and a half years
in because it's a whole new world, a
whole new
world. So I mean, doing that for a
couple of months and then, like I kinda
(35:57):
mentioned at the beginning, like, I wanted that
workout routine. So my sister-in-law talked me into
this local gym and I started doing these
boot camps every day or every other day,
and I just felt great. And went to
this plant based eating lifestyle, like,
it was just this accumulation of all this
stuff. And it's like, well, I can go
back to school now and I could chase
those dreams. So spent my days as a
(36:19):
stay at home dad just loving my kid
and, like, enjoying that freedom and, like, growing.
And then at night, I could just escape.
And instead of that dark dungeon like escape,
I was burying my head in books
and just, like, research
and all this other stuff, and it was
just all these amazing things that, like, I'd
(36:39):
always wanted. Those are the kind of things
that built me up. And then I remember
telling myself I wanna say it was before
my first day
of class actually. And this is before Hoffman.
This is before I even really knew what
a pattern or behavior was.
I told myself
that I'd seen these unhealthy patterns, these unhealthy
behaviors, like, I had seen all these unhealthy
(37:01):
shit my entire life. And I told myself
that stops with me. It is not
going on to my son or my future
children or anybody else. And, like, I have
held true to those words
ever since that day. I was like, this
stuff stops with me. And it sounds
it sounds simplistic sometimes but, like,
(37:23):
just repeating those words to you, like, it
can give you a jolt in the darkest
moments on the darkest days. And then all
you need sometimes is just that smallest catalyst
and that opens, like, all those different neural
pathways. Like,
oh, yeah. Like, let's go here. Let's go
there. Let's go here. Let's go here. You
know, like, we don't have to go backwards.
(37:44):
We don't have to go down into that
dark hole, you know. And even when we're
in that dark hole, sometimes we do just
need to sit in it.
But while we're sitting in it, understanding
again why we're there.
Why are we here?
How did we get here? Why are we
here? And what are we gonna do to
get out of it? And I've just continued
to get better at that amongst many other
(38:05):
things. And,
honestly, I think it's giant bowl of fruit.
I don't know how else to say it.
It's just this giant bowl of fruit that
I keep plucking from. So it's not just
like one magical sentence or, you know, a
couple magical words. Like, it's
just this plethora of fruit. Well, let me
ask you this.
Yeah. We're gonna go with this metaphor. Let
let me ask you this. In that bowl
(38:27):
of fruit,
how has
the fruit of the Hoffman process
continued to further you on this path?
I ask this a little bit as a
as a closer,
just because I I know the interview has
to come to an end soon, but I'd
be curious to hear
how you know, you've told the story.
You have done so much of this on
(38:49):
your own with very little help and stayed
the path even in the darkest moments. I
I love how you paint that it's not
all rosy
and it's not that I don't feel the
darkness, but when I feel the darkness,
I have this bowl of fruit. I have
options
that I get to choose from on how
I'm going to navigate this and how I'm
going to get to the other side.
(39:10):
And you mentioned, you know, after it sounds
like about a couple years of sobriety,
you wanted a little more and you went
to the Hoffman process. So I'm curious how
that helps you in day to day life
today.
Mildly speechless,
just because
sometimes I mean, words are hard like with
Hoffman. It's just it's hard. Hard in the
best way possible, if that makes sense.
(39:31):
For starters,
being able to feel good,
just being able to truly feel good. And
on on the flip side, being able to
truly feel bad
and just feel like shit, like, those dark
times that I described,
half the reason I could never get out
of them is because I don't think I
was truly even feeling them. Like, I was
so just monotone.
(39:52):
And Hoffman has given me this release to
truly, like,
live the highs and live the lows. You
know, you hear people say it, like, you
don't enjoy the good without the bad, and
that's so fucking true.
Hoffman,
for sure,
has given me I keep calling it permission,
but it's like it did like, I gave
myself permission after Hoffman just to feel, and
(40:13):
it's amazing. It's
so amazing.
A big thing I struggled with was imposter
syndrome. So now, here I am navigating this
world sober and doing all these great things,
you know,
rebooting my life, like, on this great path,
you know. My professors at school and, like,
the schools I work in and my family
(40:35):
and just everything is just great.
But
I always
felt
like it wasn't me, like, what am I
doing here? This is a joke. I don't
deserve this. This should be somebody I don't
belong here. Like, that imposter syndrome.
I don't have that anymore. And again, I
wish I had those few magical words to
sum it up. I mean, those that are
(40:56):
listening that have been Hoffman can relate a
lot more. But even though it's haven't, it's
just like it's this just this amazing
feeling
of
knowing who I am,
understanding
who I am, and being
so authentically
proud of that person
and just living
(41:16):
that person.
I understand that is me. I am him.
I can do this. Like, just having that
feeling, that aura around me, that light that
light, that was my vow at Hoffman. I
will authentically
just spread my light with love. And, I
mean, Hoffman,
I I, like, left there in this magic
flow state. I put it, like, you get
(41:38):
out of Hoffman.
You get out of it what you put
into it. And, like, I got exactly what
I needed out of it and what I
set out for. Another great moment that we
were in one of the classroom sessions, and
Ed was speaking. And we were we had
our eyes closed, and we're just
doing work. And he just stops. He pauses.
(41:58):
He says, now does everybody hear that? And
I remember
looking around inside my head because my eyes
were closed. But I'm like, hear what? And
but that was the point.
And he said, nothing.
Nothing.
You hear nothing.
Even in the moment, I was like, oh,
wow. Yeah. Wow. Like, I do hear nothing.
That was, like, overlooked
(42:20):
at the time because
I started to think
days after I left, weeks after I left,
I didn't even realize it at first.
Holy shit. I don't have voices in my
head all the time.
That was half the reason I feel like
I drank and tried to escape the world
because my brain never shut off. I was
always dealing with somebody else's problem or my
own problem or living in the past or
(42:41):
trying to solve something that couldn't be solved.
Just all these, like,
conversations and banter and arguments just back and
forth in my head. It was all in
my head. And that and I as I
sit here and talk to you tonight, like,
those aren't there.
It was scary as hell. My life was
built around chaos. That's how I knew to
survive was chaos. So it was scary to
not have those voices. It was almost like
(43:02):
a comma, like a little blankie for a
little kid. They were my thing. You know?
If nothing else, I could go to the
voices and, like, solve a problem that didn't
need to be solved.
Actually, owning and realizing and understanding,
like, all that space I have in my
head now and all that free time in
my head,
all the amazing shit that I can do
with it, that is the Hoffman pouring out
(43:24):
of me every day. That's how I look
at it. I love what you said about
it's almost like the chaos
that was your coping. That was it wasn't
just all you knew. It was what you
thought was how you survive.
That quiet
is such a gift, but in the beginning,
it was overwhelming and scary.
I think that's really important for us to
(43:44):
hear whether we've done the process or not
to know that the other side is not
all unicorns and rainbows, and it's scary.
But, man,
you know, to your point, you suddenly can
feel.
You can feel good and bad, but you
can feel. 100%.
Actually, I wrote down a quote to that
(44:05):
feeling.
It said,
when there is no enemy within, the enemy
outside cannot do any harm. That's another thing
that just stuck with me. This constant battle
with yourself
and all this stuff in the past and
all this just just nonsense.
When we as humans, we can look inside,
and we're not gonna be a 100% satisfied
(44:27):
with everything.
But when we cannot fight with ourselves, when
we cannot agonize over stuff,
nobody
nobody can hurt you.
I feel like when you're good with you,
nobody can truly hurt you. Oh, I love
that. Can you say the quote again? When
there's no enemy within, the enemy outside
cannot do any harm. And that is why
(44:49):
we do what we do.
Beautiful place to pause. And I say pause
because I feel like there is so much
more, and I'd love to hear more. But
for right now, we do need to pause
for the sake of the interview.
But thank you,
Corey, for for sharing
so much of your
truth of your story,
of your humility
(45:10):
of your journey,
and
showing us how the layers continue to unfold.
There was that one pivotal moment in July
of 2020,
but then there was another moment. I think
you called it your first kind of breakdown,
first meltdown in sobriety.
And then there was Hoffman coming into your
world, and then there's still unknown layers that
(45:32):
are going to happen, but there is no
question
that you are going to be able to
look it in the eye and get to
the other side.
Absolutely.
And that is beautiful.
As my great teacher said, suck the bone
marrow out of life. Even in the biggest
realms of life, we can travel, we can
do all these extraordinary things, but just
sucking the bone marrow out of the simplest
(45:53):
things, simplest things in life,
I think that's it's something awesome to hold
on to. Beautiful.
Well, thank you, Corey, so much. That was,
so touching and inspirational.
And thank you for sharing with the the
two quotes towards the end and for your
presence.
Thank you for having me. This is this
is great.
(46:23):
Thank you for listening to our podcast. My
name is Liza Ingrassy.
I'm the CEO and president of Hoffman Institute
Foundation.
And I'm Razi Ingrassi,
Hoffman teacher and founder of the Hoffman Institute
Foundation.
Our mission is to provide people greater access
to the wisdom and power of love. In
themselves,
in each other, and in the world.
(46:44):
To find out more, please go to hompaninstitute.org.
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Current and classic episodes, featuring compelling true-crime mysteries, powerful documentaries and in-depth investigations. Follow now to get the latest episodes of Dateline NBC completely free, or subscribe to Dateline Premium for ad-free listening and exclusive bonus content: DatelinePremium.com
The Clay Travis and Buck Sexton Show
The Clay Travis and Buck Sexton Show. Clay Travis and Buck Sexton tackle the biggest stories in news, politics and current events with intelligence and humor. From the border crisis, to the madness of cancel culture and far-left missteps, Clay and Buck guide listeners through the latest headlines and hot topics with fun and entertaining conversations and opinions.