S4E170 11 Reasons Why Empty Nesting Hasn't Been As Traumatic As We Thought It Would Be

In this final episode Bonnie joins me on one last episode in our series on Empty Nest Homesteading .  We expected this transition to be far more traumatic than it has been.  While we understand that everyone's journey is different, on this episode we share 11 Reasons why we think we've been able to make this transition so smoothly .

Enjoy!!
Brian

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Episode Transcript

Brian (00:02):
I'm your host, Brian Wells, and I'm a fourth
generation homesteader.
Since 2008, my family and I havebeen homesteading here in
beautiful upstate New York in2019, I launched the homestead
journey podcast to help peoplejust like you get started and
find success.
On their journey towards selfsufficiency, self reliance and

(00:24):
sustainability.
This is the Homestead Journey,and this is season four.
Well, hello everyone.
And welcome to another episodeof the Homestead Journey
podcast.
My name is Brian Wells.
I am coming to you from 3DFarming Homestead here in

(00:47):
beautiful upstate New York.
This is season four, and this isepisode number 170.
On today's episode, we're goingto be wrapping up our series on
empty nest homesteading that westarted a long time ago, way
back in the spring.

(01:08):
I think it was that we startedthat series and now here it is.
Bonnie and I are pros at thisempty nest thing.
We are eight weeks into it.
It's hard to believe, but it waseight weeks ago tomorrow that we
dropped our baby boy off to,college.
It's hard to believe that it'sbeen that long, but on this

(01:30):
episode, we're going to sharewith you 11 reasons why we
believe this transition was lesstraumatic than we thought it
would be.
And folks, this is certainly notthe episode that I thought we
were going to be doing.
When I had planned this out inmy head, I really thought that

(01:50):
we were going to be spendingsome time talking about how sad
and how bad and how lonely, wehave been and while we certainly
have missed him at times, andit's not always been easy, this
certainly has been a muchsmoother transition than Bonnie
and I ever believed Would takeplace.
And so we wanted to share withyou 11 reasons why we believe

(02:16):
it's been that way, hopefully tohelp those of you who are going
to become empty nesters and thenot too.
Distant future to help you havea smooth transition as well.
But before we head into that, Idid want to give you a little
bit of a podcast update.

(02:37):
So, thank you very much for yourpatience in there, not having
been an episode.
The last two weeks.
Now, two weeks ago, Bonnie and Iwere over at Gordon for parents
weekend.
And so that's why there was noepisode that weekend.
And then last weekend I went torecord it and I just had one of

(03:00):
the absolute worst migraineheadaches.
That I think I've ever had.
I would close my eyes and itwould almost look like there
were fireworks, uh, with my eyesclosed.
So, uh, certainly I was not inthe space to be able to put
together any kind of, uh,cohesive thoughts, even though

(03:20):
probably sometimes it appearsthat I'm struggling with that
even on the best of days.
But, uh, that certainly was thecase last weekend.
And so thank you very much foryour patience in that regard.
But the other thing I want tolet you know is to prepare you
for the end of season four.
So we're going to be releasingthis episode this week to wrap

(03:40):
up our series on empty nesthomesteading.
And then next week we are goingto release one final episode
here in season four to reallywrap up the season of change
that has been 2023 here on threeB farm and homestead.
And then on next week's episode,I'm also going to lay out for

(04:02):
you my vision for season five.
So I am planning on coming backfor another season next year.
It's going to look a littledifferent than what we've done.
Up to this point.
And so I hope that you willenjoy the content that I am
planning on providing startingnext year, but more about that

(04:23):
to come on next week's episode.
So with all of that said, let'sjump on over to this week's
homestead happenings, and I'llbring you up to speed with what
we've been doing here on 3Bfarm.
So in the last couple of weekshere on the homestead, much of

(04:49):
what we've been focused on hasbeen garden, garden, garden.
Now we are getting quickly tothe end of the gardening season
here in beautiful upstate NewYork.
In fact, our first average frostdate here is October 14th, and
it does look like the firstfrost may hold off for a little

(05:10):
bit that we still have some semiwarm temperatures here in the
horizon, but certainly we aremuch closer to the end than we
are to the beginning of thegardening season.
And so I have been Hmm.
Putting up some of the bountyfrom the garden, the main focus
the last several weeks has beenon the pepper harvest and the

(05:31):
pepper harvest.
Well, not great.
It certainly was much betterthan what I actually thought it
was going to be.
In fact, my jalapeno peppers didmuch better than I thought they
would.
And my green peppers did.
A little bit better than Ithought they would, although
certainly my yields were down alittle bit, but the last couple

(05:53):
of weeks I have been focused ondoing some fermented hot
peppers, and so I have somelacto fermented peppers in the
jars right now doing somehabaneros doing some jalapenos
and doing some Thai chilipeppers.
And so I've got those hot saucesfermenting right now and looking

(06:14):
forward to seeing how all ofthat turns out.
But then last weekend, I spentquite a bit of time just canning
up peppers.
I made some more of my pepperrelish, which came out very,
very good.
little zing to it because Ithrew a few habaneros in there,
not too many, but just enough togive it a nice heat.
But there's a sweetness to itwith this recipe that I really,

(06:36):
really like.
And so I was very happy with howthat turned out.
I also did another batch ofcowboy candy.
And then I did up severalbatches of pickled peppers.
And so very excited about that.
We also have been enjoying justeating right out of the garden.
So that purple cauliflower thatI've been telling you about, we

(06:57):
really have been enjoying thatso much this past week.
We made some cauliflower andchicken soup.
We've been enjoying roastedcauliflower.
We've been enjoying steamedcauliflower, just.
So many different ways that wehave been enjoying that.
Not only is it very, very prettywhen it grows, it's actually
kind of a very pretty,interesting, different color

(07:18):
vegetable than what you're usedto having on the table when you
cook it up, it kind of cooks upin this bluish purple type
thing.
And it's just very, veryinteresting, very pretty.
And so we've been enjoying thatquite a bit.
Also, I have had a few morecherry tomatoes come on and I
absolutely love this cherrytomato pasta dish.

(07:42):
It is very, very simple.
It's really just cherrytomatoes, garlic in olive oil.
You cook it down and you put itover pasta and it is.
Just so good, very, very simple,so easy to make, but it's so
tasty.
And so I have been making that.

(08:04):
I think I've made that threetimes in the last, uh, three or
four weeks and just simple, butdelicious.
And one of the things that Ireally, really love about it,
and it didn't really sink intome until I think it was about
the second time that I made itand I was eating some leftovers
is how much it.
Reminds me of a dish, uh, aspaghetti based dish that we

(08:26):
used to get when we lived inBrazil.
It just really reminds me ofthat.
And so I mean, you know to kindof give you that throwback uh to
Fond memories of growing up inBrazil.
I certainly have been Enjoyingthat as well.
So that's what we've been up tohere on 3b farm and homestead

(08:47):
over the last several weeks Keepan eye on the weather.
I know that frost that firstfrost is right around the corner
And so when we see that for sureI'll be doing my annual run out
there at night with a headlampand pick everything that you can
pick and get it indoors Becausewell, that's just how I roll.

(09:08):
All right, that's it for thisweek's Homestead Happenings.
Let's jump on over to thisweek's Charting the Course.
podcast studio.
None other than my lovely bride,Bonnie.

(09:32):
Welcome back to the show.
Thank you.
It certainly has been a bit of ahot minute since you've been on
here, but that was by design.
We wanted to get into this emptynest thing a little bit.
And now that you and I are pros.
At this professional,professional, yes, absolutely.

(09:53):
Eight weeks in almost.
It's a long time.
It's a long time.
So we did want to share witheveryone, though, kind of what
we've discovered in the, in thisfirst eight weeks.
And when I had originallyenvisioned this episode, what I

(10:14):
had in my mind is much differentthan what we are going to talk
about.
Today, this transition for us,and I want to emphasize for us
has been much less traumaticthan what I think either one of
us thought it would be, right?

(10:36):
It has certainly not beenwithout its moments when you and
I have both missed Brian J.
That's certainly it's natural

Bonnie (10:45):
to

Brian (10:45):
miss him.
It is, but it has not been.
As traumatic, no, it's not beenas emotional, it's not been any
of the things I don't think thatyou and I thought it would be.
No, no.
Now, again, I do want toemphasize on this, that this has
been our experience andeveryone's transition into empty

(11:09):
nesting is probably going to bea little bit different.
There are a lot of things thatplay into this.
Whether or not it's your firstchild or your, your fifth child,
um, you know, everyone's familysituation.
Everyone's family dynamic isdifferent.
You as a parent may not be happywith the College that your son

(11:31):
or daughter has chosen toattend, and that would play into
it.
So there's a lot of things thatgo into this, but having said
that you and I have reflected onthis quite a bit, and we have, I
think, come up with 11 reasonswhy we believe that this

(11:51):
transition into empty nestinghas been much less traumatic
than what you and I boththought.
Would it would be.
And so today our goal is toshare that with everyone.
Hopefully you'll be able toglean something from this.
If you are a parent that isgetting ready to head into the

(12:14):
empty nesting thing, thenhopefully you'll be able to
learn from what we feel like wedid right.
And it will help you transitioninto the whole empty nest thing
in a much less traumatic waythan what.
Other people have experienced,and the other thing that we

(12:37):
would also challenge anyonethat's listening to, if you know
someone who has young Children,send this episode to them and
ask them to take a listen,because while we are going to
talk about some things that wedid in the past year that we
believe has helped us make thistransition much less
traumatically than we thought,but it would be, there are also

(13:00):
a number of things that you andI have done over the years
decisions that we made it.
Literally decades, almost twodecades ago.
I mean, it's hard to believehe's going to be 19 next week.
Um, but, but there are decisionsthat you and I have made over
the last almost 20 years thathave also played into this.

(13:23):
And so if.
If you do know someone who hasyoung children, I would
encourage you that you sharethis with them so that hopefully
they can glean a little bit fromus as well as far as some of the
decisions that we feel like wemade in a very positive way that
have led to them.

(13:44):
Thank you.
A, a, an easier transition thaneither one of us ever
anticipated.
So let's jump right into itwe're going to start by looking
at some of the things that wedid in really the last year,
decisions that we made, thingsthat we've done in the last year
that have really, I believe,helped us in this transition.

(14:06):
So the first thing that came tomy mind is that we were very
intentional.
About this process, you and Irecognized from probably about
the time that we visited Gordonfor the first time, Oh my
goodness, this emptiness thingis coming our way very, very
quickly.
And so we were very, veryintentional in this process as

(14:30):
we have gone through it, weidentified it as a major
transition and we have reallyput a lot of thought effort.
And I even think that talkingabout it on this podcast and
coming up with some of thoseepisodes really has helped us as
well as we've really processed.

(14:51):
I think both of us, um, some ofthe things that we thought would
come as a result of this emptynest thing.

Bonnie (14:59):
And just, putting it into words like he's going to be
going to college and we're goingto be here on the homestead, by
ourselves managing thehomestead, not having him living
with us on a full time basisanymore.
so just, identifying it, talkingabout it, that we're going to
be, empty nesters and, there'sgoing to be one less person in

(15:21):
the homestead to lend a hand.
That has helped us along theway.

Brian (15:25):
Yeah, definitely.
I really agree with that.
I think along with that, as wehave really tried to prepare for
this event, we really tried toavail ourselves of as much
information.
As, as we could, um, the collegethat Brian J went to Gordon had

(15:46):
a number of webinars over thesummer and we attended just
about every one in the ones thatwe weren't able to attend in
person, we went back and welistened and we took notes and
those webinars were, I think,helpful in helping us prepare
him, which I think took some ofthe The scariness of the whole

(16:08):
transition out of the, dynamicfor us, which made it a less of
a traumatic type thing, but theyalso, I think we're very good at
helping to prepare the parents.

Bonnie (16:20):
Yeah, helping, saying, you know, don't baby them, in
the process, start if youhaven't already started to teach
them to do things for themselvesand not holding their hand and,
not emailing the professors, notcontacting the college, all
those things, let them them.
Yeah.
Do it for themselves.

Brian (16:39):
Um, yeah, definitely.
There were a lot of things, alot of pointers that were given
that we really have tried toapply.
And I, and I think it has beenvery, very beneficial for both
him and for us in thistransition.
There's a website that Gordonintroduced us to called Grown

(17:00):
and Flown.
That is something that's beenvery helpful to you as well.

Bonnie (17:04):
Yes, it's helped me in the transitions like prepare for
the next step.
So the step was there andtelling me about, um, each step
at, before I got to it.
So it was preparing me for whatwas going to happen next and
different, um, parents sayingtheir experiences and it was

(17:25):
really helpful.

Brian (17:26):
The other thing as well is Gordon had a lot of in
person, sessions.
Except in students day and justa variety of different times
when we were over there.
and even a couple of weeks agowhen we were at the, Parents
weekend.
There was a session on, again,helping your child in this
transition.

(17:47):
And I think us attending all ofthose and leaning into those as
well and really trying to equipourselves as best we could has
all really, really aided inmaking this a success.
Thank you.
A much smoother transition thaneither one of us thought,
because we really have taken thetools that were given to us and

(18:10):
we've really tried to put theminto practice.
So not only were we intentionalabout it, and not only did we
really try to equip ourselves asbest we could, but we ran across
a concept in the midst of all ofthat, that was actually shared
by the president of Gordon.
Um, his wife shared a bookcalled.

(18:33):
With open hands, I, I can neverget there because there's a,
there's a book called openhands.
We actually bought the wrongbook, which we bought and it
actually, it actually was good.
It was very good.
It was

Bonnie (18:44):
along the same

Brian (18:45):
concept, very much along the same idea, but the book that
she was referencing.
was with open hands.
Now we are people of faith andand so this is going to come
from a perspective of faith.
But I think the concept ofhaving open hands with regards
to our Children really applieswhether or not you're someone

(19:08):
who adheres to Christianity oryou're someone who does not.
In this book that shereferenced, it really is a
posture of prayer that we areopening up our hands.
And that we're releasing thethings that we've clenched and
held on to tightly, and we'regiving those over to God.

(19:29):
We're just releasing thosethings into God's care,
understanding that these arethings that are of His
responsibility.
And so, in that vein, the ideais that up to this point, we've
taken very seriously the, thenurture.

(19:52):
Uh, of our child and trying toraise him up to be a young man
with morals and faith and, and,uh, character and respect and
yes, all of those things.
But now our job in that regardis done.
And so, and not that, not thatyour job as a parent has ever

(20:14):
done.
My mom and dad invested me tothis day and I'm almost 50 years
old.
My mom and dad still investedme.
Um, but that, that area ofresponsibility as being the
primary caregiver, that's over.
And now we're opening our handsand we're releasing this child

(20:34):
into God's care, into God'sprotection and saying, okay,
he's yours, God.
And not that he ever wasn't.
But it's just that idea of that,that releasing of him.
Now, if you're not somebody whois a person of faith, I still
think that concept still isvery, very valid that as

(20:55):
parents, we we've got to let ourkids go as much as we want to
hold on to them.
And as much as we want to keepthem, we've got to allow them
the opportunity to grow and toflourish and to be gone.
And, and to become theindividuals that they're meant
to be.
And, and so that releasing thatopening of the hands, that

(21:15):
thought of, okay, we've got tolet them go.
We've got to let the littlebirdie fly.
Yep.

Bonnie (21:21):
Open their wings and fly and practice or put into
practice all the, all the thingsthat we have taught them.

Brian (21:30):
Yeah, definitely.
Yeah, definitely.
And, and that is that, thatreally probably was the singular
most helpful.
Concept.
And I know it's a very, verysimple one, but sometimes it's
the simple things that can foundthe wise, making me feel like
I'm the wise one.
Uh, and I'm not, uh, as you wellknow, but, uh, that's neither

(21:53):
here nor there.
This, this concept that was sovery, very helpful to me that,
you know, we, we have to letthem go.
And, and we, as you said, we'vetried to invest in him, all of
that, the character, but nowit's up for him.
It's up to him to own that andto put that into practice.

(22:14):
And, and we understand that weknow full well that he's going
to make decisions, that he'sgoing to do things that we
wouldn't necessarily agree with.
Right.

Bonnie (22:22):
He's not a

Brian (22:23):
perfect kid.
No, he's going to make mistakes.
And sometimes the things thathe's going to do that we
wouldn't necessarily agree withare things that are going to
work out great for him.
But that's part of him becomingthe person that he was meant to
be.
And so that idea of, of openingup our hands and not clenching
onto that, I think has reallybeen very, very freeing.

(22:46):
In this transition and helpedmake this transition into being
empty nesters much lessdramatic.

Bonnie (22:53):
That was one of the first things I had trouble with
I had said to myself right afterwe had.
dropped him off or left him atcollege.
like, he's my child and I'msupposed to be taking care of
him.
But then I said, no, I need tolet him use his wings and fly.

(23:14):
I can't be there for every.
little thing anymore.
I'm not going to take him homewith me.
We're just going to have to,deal with this.

Brian (23:23):
Definitely.
And, you know, to be honest, wehave been in the process of
opening up our hands for awhile.
We just didn't realize it.
And I, and I don't think we hadthought of it in those terms.
And we're going to talk aboutthat here in a little bit, as we
talk through some of thedecisions that we've made a
while ago.
So I think that that process wasalready starting to happen, but

(23:49):
when we became more aware of it,more mindful of of that process,
it was just so Freeing to me,and I really have been very
appreciative of that.
Not only were we intentionalabout the process, not only did
we try to prepare, uh, as bestwe could, and not only have we

(24:09):
tried to have open hands, butanother key decision that we
made in a very intentionaldecision that we made was.
To establish boundaries as afamily, to sit down and really
have a conversation with regardsto what we were going to do and

(24:30):
what we were not going to do.
And I think that's beenbeneficial for him and for us.

Bonnie (24:38):
Yes.
Yes.
I'm one of the.
First things we had said to himis, we're not going to be
calling you when you startclasses to wake you up.
You have to figure out how toset the alarm, get yourself
across campus and to class ontime.
Because he's been known forgetting, squeaking in like three

(24:59):
minutes

Brian (24:59):
late.
Yeah, definitely.
His track record last yeargetting to school.
It wasn't that he never skippedschool.
He didn't, you know, it wasn'tlike he was showing up to school
a half hour late, but he reallystruggled to show up to school
on time.
Now we've since found out someof the reasons why.
And while I don't necessarilyagree with him showing up late,

(25:22):
I do understand why he showed uplate and, uh, and it is what it
is.
But yeah, we definitely said tohim, um, You've got to figure
out how to get to class.
We're not going to be doingthat.
You're going to have to figureout how to feed yourself.
We're not going to be makingsure that you went to lunch,
that you went to dinner, we'renot going to be making sure, you
know, that you've washed yourclothes and that you have combed

(25:45):
your hair and taken a shower.
Like you've got to figure outhow to manage all of those
things without mom and dadlooking over your shoulder.
And one of the things that hesaid to us.
When we were over there twoweeks ago for, um, parent day is
he said, mom and dad, thank youso much for giving me my space

(26:08):
and for giving me theindependence to figure this
stuff out on his own because hehas classmates that have not had
that opportunity, that theirparents have really been doing
the whole helicopter thing and,and he's seen, uh, first and
kind of how that's affected someof his classmates.

(26:28):
Yeah.
Not only that, but we alsoestablished some boundaries with
regards to communication.
So we're not calling him everyday.
Right.
You know, we text him every oncein a while, Hey, how's it going?
Check in here, check in there.
But we're not, you know, wedon't have life 360 on his
phone.
No, never did.
Never did.
But we don't now.
We don't track his everymovement.

(26:49):
You know, we don't, we don'tworry about that.
We have a semi.
Establish time for a phone callonce

Bonnie (26:57):
a week.
Yeah, I mean, that was one ofthe things we had.
That was the boundariesexpectations.
And because I'm not going to betexting you every day, calling
you every day, I do at leastwant to hear from you like once
a week, that's, that's the leastof my expectations.
Um, that's, you could give methat much or Fill me in

Brian (27:22):
exactly.
And it, and it's not that duringthat call, it's the grand
inquisition, you know, we, Hey,how's it going?
How are things going?
You know, yada, yada, yada,yada, but it's not like we grill
him.
What grade did you get on yourtest and, you know, how did you
do on your quiz and, and allthose kinds of things.
I mean, we'll ask himgenerically, but it's not like,
yeah, yeah, no, we're not doingthat.
It's, it's, you know, we'reinterested in your life and,

(27:45):
we've made it very clear to him.
If he has problems, he canalways reach out to us.
He can always let us know thatwe're, we're here for him.
Um, but we've also tried toencourage him to advocate for
himself.
That was one of the things thatthey were very, very, um,

(28:05):
pointed on during the wholeprocess is that your child needs
to learn how to advocate forthemselves.
If they have an issue with aprofessor as a parent, you don't
contact the professor, if theydon't know how to.
You know, reach out to theprofessor, help them draft an
email, certainly, but you don'temail the professor as a parent,

(28:28):
um, you know, understanding whatresources are available for them
if, if he's, you know,struggling with depression,
there's counseling available,there's the, the chaplains that
are available, there, there areRAs.
So one of the things that theyhad, they were very, very, uh,
pointed in is, is making sure.

(28:51):
That you don't jump in and tryto fix everything for your, your
student, but that you allow themthe opportunity to, to do those
things and to develop thoseskills.
And so I think reallyestablishing those boundaries as
we sat down as a family and wesaid, we're not contacting your

(29:11):
professor, there have been a fewtimes when there's been some
issues.
And he's, he's talked to usabout it and we said, okay, so
what have you done to fix it?
Um, and he had reached out tothe professors and he's reached
out to this one or that onewhen, when he's needed to.
And, and it's awesome to seethat as a parent.
And I think that also plays intothis being less of a traumatic

(29:33):
transition because you can seeyour child really starting to,
to grow and to flourish.
as an individual.

Bonnie (29:50):
It's almost like a chain of command, if you would want to
refer to it as that.
if your child should haveissues, this is where, they
should go.
This is how they go about, um,approaching their personal
issues.
But if you as a parent feel likethey are having issues and
they're not resolving them, andyou as a parent feel like you

(30:12):
need to step in, don't...
Do it for them.
This is the person that youcontact.
They have a, a liaison for theparents.
And you try to work it out withthem, like unbeknownst to your
child.
and then after that, they havewellness checks and they were
very intentional.
Don't do it for your child orwhatever.
You need to contact somebody,this is who you contact.

(30:34):
Oh, and then also for, you know,the students.
This is what you tell yourstudent to do.
Um, It's to enable them to dothings on their own,

Brian (30:43):
right?
So for if there's academicissues, this is where they
should go.
If there are, you know, um,personal issues, you know,
personal conflicts, this iswhere they should go.
If they're having a mentalhealth crisis, this is where
they should go.
Uh, and, and so making parentsaware of the resources, but the

(31:04):
idea is that you, instead ofdoing it for your, your son or
your daughter, you.
Encourage them to do it forthemselves.
Now, certainly if there is somekind of a safety concern,
that's, that's somethingtotally, totally different.
It's not that they're saying,Oh, you know, your, your, your
child's suicidal.

(31:25):
We'll tell them to go figure itout.
No, no, no, no, no.
That's not it at all.
But In the vast majority ofsituations, that's not what
we're talking about, right?
We're talking about things thatthe kids can resolve themselves.
And so you, you establish thoseboundaries and you've really
encouraged them almost insist.

(31:45):
And dare I say, force them.
Yeah, to do it themselves.
And I, I certainly think thatthat has been very, very
beneficial for us.
So not only were we intentionalin the process, not only did we
try to prepare as best we could,not only have we tried to have
open hands and establishboundaries, but one of the other

(32:06):
things that we've done.
Is we've kept busy and I don'tthink we've kept too busy and I
don't think that we have justgone hog wild overboard with
just okay.
We've got all this free time.
We've got to fill up everyminute of it.
I don't think that's been thecase at all, but the weekend
that we dropped him off was theweekend just before the fair.

(32:28):
And initially I was very, veryupset about that, but having the
fair that next week.
We were so busy with the fair,we didn't have time to really
miss him.
I mean, it really was that.

Bonnie (32:39):
You couldn't help but miss him because since he's been
four, he's been going to thefair with us.
But yeah, it kept, it kept usbusy first, you know, first
going into the chicken bar.
And I'm like, yeah, I wasapproaching and I'm like, I
don't know if I can do this.
I don't know if I want us.
Hang out here all week longwithout him, but you know as I
did it I did my initial walkthrough whatever it you know I

(33:03):
was okay Yes, that initial am Igoing to want to be here without
him.

Brian (33:09):
Yeah, I think I think that's fair, But I also think
that, you know, just thebusyness of the fair and so many
of the things that we wereinvolved in, I think also really
helped contributed to that.
And then the weekend after thatwas Labor Day weekend.
And we did some things together.
You and I, the weekend afterthat was homesteaders of New
England.
The weekend after that, I was ata men's retreat.

(33:30):
And so there were really a lotof things through that.
That really just kept us busy.
And I think kept our focus offof, Oh my goodness, the bedroom
at the end of the hall is empty.
You know, uh, community choirstarted back up both in you and
I sing in the community choirfor, for Christmas program.
Uh, your Bible study startedback up.
So there were a lot of thingslike that, that I think have

(33:53):
helped contribute to us.
Um, having a much smoothertransition, not that we were
trying to fill the void andavoid our feelings, right?
That wasn't it at all to yourpoint at the fair.
We walk into the chicken barnfor the first time.
He's not there It's like oh mygoodness.
I feel that You know, we went tothe 4 h building and you know,

(34:15):
he none of his stuff was inthere, you know Oh, you feel
that we went to the pig barn.
None of our pigs were there.
You feel that and so You know, Ithink it's it's very important
to Own your feelings and to feelthe feelings And it's not that
I'm suggesting that we've filledup all of our time so that we

(34:36):
didn't have to deal with that,right?
But instead of us sitting aroundin navel gazing, you know, just
being in the molly grubs,

Bonnie (34:48):
right?
All, you know, all the time inthe molly grubs, forget the
navel gazing.

Brian (34:53):
No, but it really wasn't.
And so I think that's been, beenvery, very beneficial because if
we were just to sit at home andmope.
Right.
And, and, and just focus on, youknow, all of the empty room,
the, the, the lack of a plate atthe table and so on and so
forth.
It, it would have been, I think,a much different transition than

(35:13):
it has been.
And so I definitely think thatthat's something that, um, is
beneficial as well.
But I would also say don't gettoo

Bonnie (35:24):
busy.
Right.
Or even, you know, I mean, Trynew things because you don't,
you're not taking your, maybeyour child to a sporting event.
Your whole schedule doesn'trevolve around your child as
much.
You might have things you go toat college, but you know, even,
you know, try new

Brian (35:43):
things.
Yeah, definitely.
That's one of the things thathas been, uh, I, I certainly
have found this whole processvery, very freeing.
Just not.
You know, quite frankly, it'sone less schedule that we have
to work around and for the last18 years, our schedules pretty
much ever revolved around himand his activities in an

(36:04):
intentional way.
And we'll talk about that herein a moment.
But now, all of a sudden, wedon't have that schedule.
I mean, we do, you know,there's, there's a little bit of
that, but it's certainly not tothe extent as to what it was.
So those are the things that wedid within the last year that I
believe helped us in thistransition and help this
transition to be a lot lesstraumatic than we thought it

(36:26):
was.
But there are some gooddecisions that I believe that
we've made in the last.
18, almost 20 years that I thinkhave also contributed to this.
And I really strongly believethat we are reaping what we've
sown in the last almost 20years.

(36:46):
The first thing that comes tomind.
Is that from a very, very youngage with our son, we established
boundaries, we establishedexpectations, um, and we tried
to instill in him character,morals, respect, uh, and so on
and so forth.
And as a result of that, Ireally, really believe that

(37:08):
that's helped us in thistransition because.
Those things have taken

Bonnie (37:14):
right.
And he has shown us that he canhandle the independence and that
he is respectful.
Um, and we don't have to worryabout, at least I don't.
I mean, God forbid, I hope he'snot bamboozling me.
I don't think he is.
Um, or he would have startedthat a long time ago.

(37:37):
Um, But I don't lay awake atnight wondering, you know, like,
what time did he go to bed?
Is he out doing something dumb?

Brian (37:46):
And, and, and to be frank, he may be out doing dumb
stuff, and my, my guess is heprobably has done some dumb,
dumb stuff.
Just don't text me and tell meyou did.
Well, exactly.
Um, but, but that's not evennecessarily the point.
Uh, you know, whether or nothe's out late or he's, you know,
he's, he's young, he's, I mean,this past summer, there were
some nights when he didn't gethome until ridiculous hours and

(38:07):
we're like, come on, bud, thisis just nonsense.
but I, I do think the, the levelof respect that he has, the
character, the morals, uh, thefaith that he has, um, all now
to your point earlier.
He has to take that stuff as hisown, and he has to live that
out.

(38:28):
we can only provide that to himso much, and then it's a matter
of, okay, you've got to takethis and carry it on.
So I really strongly believethat a big part of the reason
why we've had a, a smoothertransition here goes back to
some of the boundaries, theexpectations that we established

(38:50):
when he was young and thecharacter and the morals, um,
that we instilled in him alongthe way

Bonnie (38:57):
and the way we were intentional about, um, uh,
manhood.
Um, having other people in hislife, give him the opportunities
to spend time with hisgrandparents and being with
other people in the communitythat we respected and he could
look up to.
Being in Boy Scouts, um,definitely going to church, um,

(39:20):
going to Young Life, lettingthem speak into his life.
Because there comes a pointwhere they don't hear you.
And then somebody else thatspeaks into their life, whether
it be a relative, their pastor,Youth pastor, they say it and
it's like a whole new thing.

(39:40):
Like you never even said it

Brian (39:43):
100 percent and that that great segue to kind of the next
point here is that we tried toput him in positions where other
people could speak into his lifeand that really has paid huge
dividends.
We have been very, very blessedwith people throughout his life
who were willing to invest inhim.
Who were willing to take aninterest in him, but we were

(40:05):
also very intentional aboutputting him in positions where
those people had the opportunityto speak into his life we
understood to your point, thereare times when they just do not
hear from mom and dad.
And the fact that he's at Gordonright now is a great example of

(40:26):
that.
I had, when he first started thecollege search, I had suggested
him, Hey, there's this collegeover north of, of, uh, Boston
called Gordon.
Uh, why don't you check it out?
Now, Gordon is a sister collegeto Gordon, the, uh, Gordon
Conwell theological seminary,which is actually the seminary
from which our former pastorSteve graduated.

(40:49):
And so.
I had suggested Brian take alook at it, and it was just kind
of like, yeah, yeah, yeah,whatever, and it was kind of
like in one ear, out the other.
At that point, he was focused onRobert's Westland over in
Rochester.
He sat down with our pastor.
And he comes home and he was allexcited.
He said, dad, dad, I was talkingto pastor Brian and pastor Brian

(41:11):
told me about this college northof Boston that, uh, pastor Steve
graduated from the theologicalseminary there.
I think check it out.
It's called Gordon.
I was like, Oh, it is really.
Well, I think, you know what?
I think that's maybe you shouldcheck that out.
He had never heard me say it.

(41:32):
But because we had put him inpositions where there were
people that could have influenceand impact on his life in a very
positive way, I really believethat's why he's at Gordon today
and

Bonnie (41:46):
we, and we had to make some really tough decisions
early on, um, when he wasgetting into his teenage years.
Are we going to, um, you know,stay in a church where there are
no other young people, no youthgroup, or are we going to switch

(42:07):
to a church where there is younglife?
Um, and that was by no means aneasy decision, but where we
ended up, it was the best thingwe could do for him and for our

Brian (42:20):
family.
Yeah, definitely.
And for those of you who aren'tfamiliar, Young Life is a, uh, a
national, might be even aninternational youth program, a
youth group program, churchbased youth, youth group
program.
And there's a Young Life groupthat meets at our church.
But that, that's a great, thatreally is a great, a great point
is that we made some very, verydifficult, emotionally taxing,

(42:46):
um, decisions, uh, in order tobe able to ensure that Brian J
was in a place.
Where he would have, um,friends, his age, uh, positive
influences in his life and, uh,and that certainly I believe has
paid off so not only did weestablish boundaries a long time

(43:06):
ago, and not only did we try toput him in two positions, uh,
where other people would haveimpact in his life, but we also.
Um, tried very, very hard not tohelicopter parent him, um, from
really, as, as he startedgrowing up, we really did try to

(43:27):
start opening up our hands.
Um, and as, as he got older, wegave him more areas of
responsibility and greaterindependence and.
With that certainly came and asense of responsibility and he
didn't always make the rightdecisions You know, he didn't
always do the right thing But weallowed him to face the

(43:51):
repercussions and theconsequences and the
consequences of his actions AndI believe that that is something
else that really has helped Thisbe a smoother transition because
we did not do that helicopterparenting thing.

Bonnie (44:09):
No, as I mean Did I want to yes, was it natural to
helicopter?
Yes But what I did what was bestfor him and to help him gain a
sense of independence and Senseof consequences for his actions,

Brian (44:31):
right?
And, and, and obviously thoseconsequences go both positive
and negative.
You know, there are times whenyou do the right thing and you,
and there are positive outcomesand there are times when you
show up late consistently forschool and you end up with lunch
detentions on a weekly basis.
I mean, you know, and he neverseemed to learn, learn his
lesson there.
But we, we really did try tomake sure that we, you know, we

(44:54):
allowed him to fail, failsafely.
But to fail and to learn fromthose mistakes so that as he,
you know, goes into college,there's going to be times when
there's going to be failure, youknow, he's probably going to
flunk some tests.
He may even fail some classes.
Who knows?
But hopefully, the fact thatwe've given him a sense of, Um,

(45:17):
what, what it means to gothrough those things and how to
move on and to carry on and tobounce back and to have
resilience in your life, I thinkcertainly has aided in this
smoother transition, um, forboth him and for us.

Bonnie (45:35):
And I think, you know, the independence with, if you
can accept the responsibility ofthe independence, we give you
more independence, um, even, youknow, when he first got his car.
Um, if you can res, uh, acceptthe responsibility of having a
car and you're not going todrive fast, you're not going to

(45:57):
stay out all hours of the nightwhen you're supposed to be
getting up for school in themorning, um.
You get, you know, you build thetrust and you get more
independence.

Brian (46:08):
Yeah, definitely.
And with great power comes greatresponsibility.
And, and, and hopefully that haspaid off.
It, I, it certainly seems.
And certainly six weeks or eightweeks, whatever, eight weeks, I
guess we're eight weeks intothis, um, it's a small sample
size, but already when we wereover there two weeks ago for

(46:31):
parent weekend, he articulatedto us how much he appreciated
the independence that we hadgiven him and how much he felt
like it had prepared him forthis transition.
There

Bonnie (46:45):
was thank you for, you know, getting me into young
life.
And.
You know, I had the opportunityto be do training for young
life.
I was going to do that, but itjust didn't fit in my schedule
right now.
So, you know, it was, it wasgood to hear that.
You know, your adult child feelslike, you know, you did
something, right?

Brian (47:06):
Yeah, definitely.
So not only did we establishboundaries, not only did we try
to put him in positions whereother people could speak into
his life, not only did we trynot to helicopter parent him,
and not only did we increasinglygive him independence, but we
really...
Spent time with him and what Imean by that is we don't sit
here now with regrets lookingback and saying, I wish I would

(47:29):
have spent less time at theoffice and more time with him.
I wish I would have instead ofgoing on that guy's weekend, I
would have gone to his ballgame.
We really did our dead levelbest to spend time as much as we
could with him and.
I want to be careful here,because I understand, number

(47:51):
one, We only had one child.
When you have a lot, when youhave many kids, there are times
when you have to make toughdecisions.
And you have to divide andconquer.
And there are times when therecan be hard feelings as a
result.
And I experienced that myselfgrowing up.
Um, where, you know, my mom anddad couldn't come to, when I was

(48:14):
running cross country, theycouldn't come to many of my
cross country meets.
When my brother Keith wasplaying basketball, they went to
every basketball game.
For a long time, I harboredsome, I don't know if you'd say
bitterness, animosity, because Ididn't understand the situation.
Now, I understand why mom anddad couldn't come to all of my

(48:38):
cross country meets, and whythey had the time available to
go to my brother's basketballgames.
But in that moment, I didn'tunderstand that.
So I say all of that to simplysay the fact that we were able
to be available was in partbecause we only had one child
and so we weren't being pulledin multiple directions.

(49:00):
But I would also say that thereason why we were able to be
available and present wasbecause we were very intentional
about being available andpresent and we made sacrifices
in order to be available andpresent.
You.
Quit teaching so that you couldbe a stay at home mom so that
you would be available andpresent in this

Bonnie (49:21):
life.
And not that everyone is goingto do that or want to do that.
You know, if you don't want todo it that way, you know, that's
fine, but that's a choice that Imade that we made and made
sacrifices for it so I could bewith my son.
And I think it goes back to.

(49:42):
It was, my mom did the samething with me, um, and I didn't,
I felt like I never had to comehome to an empty house, and I
didn't want that for my son.

Brian (49:56):
Yeah.
So that was something that wasvery, very important to both
Bonnie and I was the same way.
My mom, um, for the most part,uh, was a stay at home mom the
entire time I grew up.
Um, but along with that comescertain sacrifices that you
make.
You know, financially you makesacrifices, you know, we didn't

(50:16):
go on a spring break vacationand a summer vacation and this
vacation and that vacationbecause we couldn't afford to do
it.
And I'm not saying that to crythe blues.
It's just the reality of it thatwe made certain sacrifices along
the way to ensure that we wereable to be.
Together as a family that wecould spend time with him and

(50:39):
invest in his life.
And I really honestly believethat that's also paid dividends
in this transition because we'renot sitting here saying, Oh my
goodness, life passed us by.
I missed out on so much becauseI was too busy working.
I was too busy this.
I was too busy that I was toobusy.
The other

Bonnie (50:57):
thing.

Brian (50:57):
And we together made a lot of decisions like that.
And these are choices that wemade, decisions that we made,
sacrifices, some might say.
Now, I don't look at it as asacrifice because I, I sleep
well at night knowing that Imade memories with my boy, that

(51:19):
we made memories together as afamily.
And no amount of money wouldever, ever be able to give that
time back or to replace thosememories.
Um, and so I am at, at peacewith the decisions that I've
made.

(51:39):
Um, but I also believe thatthose decisions that we made,
those sacrifices that we made asa family, as a couple, uh,
certainly have.
Helped make this transition muchless traumatic.
Definitely.
The last thing that, I want tosuggest that helped make this

(52:00):
transition much less traumaticis that you and I stayed
connected as a couple.
Now, that's not to say that wewere as intentional with regards
to taking date nights as weshould have been.
That was,

Bonnie (52:13):
in part, my fault.
Because I...
I had a hard time leaving BrianJ.
Um, Um, but you know, I did, um,and I got used to doing that and
it was a good thing.
And I learned the importance ofhim spending time with his
family.
And, and it was definitelyimportant for us to spend time

(52:36):
together and go out on dates andmake connections.
But at first I, at our time withit.

Brian (52:41):
And, and even, even beyond that, even as he got
older and when he could, youknow, kind of maybe stay home by
himself we still probablyweren't as intentional in that
area as what we could have beenor should have been.
But having said that we did.
A lot of things together as afamily, we did a lot of things
together as a couple, and Ithink homesteading was one of

(53:05):
those things.
You know, the, uh, the familythat grows food together, stays
together, the family

Bonnie (53:09):
that skis together, stays

Brian (53:12):
together, stays together.
They got me on board.
That's right.
Well, we got you on skis, not ona board.
You weren't, you weren't womanenough to handle a snowboard.
So no, but we did all of that tosay that there are a lot of
people when they're, they'reeither their first child or the
last child goes off to collegeand they're empty nesters.

(53:33):
They look across the living roomand they say, who in the world
is this person that I'm marriedto?
And you and I don't feel thatway.
I don't.
Okay.
Well, I don't feel that way.
No.
I

Bonnie (53:47):
don't feel that

Brian (53:47):
way.
No.
And you know, we, I, I certainlyhave enjoyed spending more time
with you.
I certainly have enjoyed doingthings with you and I anticipate
that that will continue.
It's, it's been a lot of funagain, going back to the fact
that this has been a bit of afreeing thing where you and I,
Oh, Hey, let's go out forbreakfast Saturday morning.

(54:08):
Oh, we can do that.
We don't have to feel guilty.
We don't have to worry aboutanybody else's schedule.
Don't need to worry about whereBrian J is.
We just go out for breakfast.
Oh, hey! Let's go kayaking.
Okay, we'll go kayaking.
Oh, hey! Let's go to a yardsale.
Okay, we go to a ya Hey! Let'sgo to a estate sale.
It's, like, it's just, uh, let'sstay home.
And we do that.
Um, and so I really think thatstaying together, connected

(54:31):
together as a couple has really,really paid dividends and helped
this to be less of a traumatic,uh, transition because we were
intentional, not as intentionalas we should have been.
But we still were intentional,but

Bonnie (54:47):
yeah, thank goodness we are still friends and we, we
know each other.
I mean, there's always things tolearn, surprise each other and,
you know, um, but you know, westill are friends.

Brian (55:00):
We are.
Yes.
And, and so for that, I'm very,very grateful now.
That's not to say that we havenot missed Brian J.
That's not to say that therehaven't been moments when we've
been sad, when we've cried.
We've experienced that.
So I'm not saying that thistransition has been, uh, without

(55:21):
it's emotional, the emotionalrollercoaster.
It's not like this has been easystreet.
Um, that's not it at all.
You know, there have beenseveral moments.
There are three moments thatcome to my mind where it really
just hit me in the face thatBrian J wasn't here.
The first was a couple of weeksago when I was out in the yard
with the pullets and I'm lookingdown at, we've got a cockerel

(55:45):
there in the chicken yard.
And I'm thinking.
Frankie, our rooster, he's alittle long on a tooth.
I think we've had him for aboutthree years.
Maybe it's time for us to movehim on.
And this new cockerel might beable to take his place.
Well, in the past that thenaming of our chickens has
always been Brian Jay'sresponsibility.
And now all of a sudden I'mstanding in the chicken yard,

(56:07):
looking at this cockerel saying,okay, well, what's your name
going to be there, buddy?
You've got to have a name.
If you're staying around, you'vegot to have a name, but I have
never named a chicken before.
I don't think I've ever named achicken.
We don't name our food.
We don't name our food, but wename our breeding stock.
So he's potentially might bebreeding stock.
And so as I'm looking at him, Ithinking about it, I really was
missing Brian J in that momentbecause in the past he's been

(56:29):
the one that's done that.
And so.
There was kind of like thissense of sadness that came over
me as I'm standing there lookingat this cockerel thinking, I
really need to keep you and Ineed to come up with a name, but
this really should be Brian Jdoing this.
I powered on through it.
I'm trying to think, okay, well,we've got Frankie, which is
short for Franklin.

(56:49):
I'm thinking, well, what elsecould go with Franklin?
I thought, ah, BenjaminFranklin.
I thought, well, what if weshorten it to Benny?
And then that song.
That Elton John hit Benny andthe Jets.
And I'm like, Benny, Benny,Benny and his hands.

(57:11):
And so we have Benny now, butyeah, uh, I will quit my day
job, but certainly Brian Jay,not being here to name him.
I felt it in that moment.
Now, uh, I've also felt that atchurch, you know, Brian Jay has
played saxophone with me on theworship team now for.
Um, probably five years, sixyears, something like that, been

(57:34):
a long time.
And so not having him next to meplaying a saxophone every Sunday
morning has certainly been atime when I really, really
missed him.
And then a time when you and Ireally, really missed him was
last weekend when we went up toAunt Vanessa's house.
Yeah.

Bonnie (57:50):
Yeah.
Yeah, when his, I mean his chairwas not there, there wasn't that
extra seat for him, there wasn'tthe place sitting there, and I
think that was one of the veryfirst times we've like ever been
there, besides a visit, likesitting down for a meal that he
hasn't been there with us.

Brian (58:08):
Yeah, and I think the reason why that was so...
I hate to use the termtraumatic, but it was so in your
face versus us sitting down todinner here at the house is
because over the summer he wasworking two jobs.
And so we would go many, manydays without us sitting down and

(58:28):
eating dinner with him becausehe would have to eat before he
left.
And that was before I got homefrom work.
And so it wasn't as a parent.
Now for us here at home sittingdown to a meal and him not being
here as it was there when wewere so used to Us going to Aunt
Nessa's having dinner and therebeing a place setting for Brian

(58:51):
Jay And now this time therewasn't.
And so certainly that wasanother moment where it was
like, wow, I really miss thisguy.
But for me, those really havebeen the three key times when I
feel like I've, I've missed him.
And not to say that I don't misshim on a daily basis.
I certainly do, but it's notbeen that sharp kind of in your

(59:16):
face.
Kind of thing like those threesituations were for me any other
ones come to your mind as far aswhen you've really missed him

Bonnie (59:25):
Yeah, when um, I think it was the week It was about a
week after he had been gone, um,and we went antiquing, um, at
his favorite antique shop, andit was where he'd gotten all of
his records and, or most of hisrecords.
It was really, it was reallyhard to go there without him.

(59:46):
Yeah.
But we made it.
We made

Brian (59:48):
it.
Got through it.
We got through it.

Bonnie (59:50):
Yeah, but yeah, we, I did miss

Brian (59:51):
him.
Yeah.
And so, and I'm sure there willbe other moments like that,
that, that will pop up.
I mean, it's certainly, youmentioned going into the chicken
barn at the fair.
And him not being there, us nothaving chickens there, going to
the pig barn, not having pigsthere and so forth.
So certainly there have beenthose moments where we've...
Um, it's kind of been thatintense, that intense thing, but

(01:00:12):
by and large, um, it has beenmuch less of that than I thought
there would be.
Now I wanted to wrap this up bycoming back to the homestead and
just really talking a little bitabout how him being gone has
impacted our homestead.
And I think there's really threemain areas where it has

(01:00:33):
impacted.
What we're doing here on 3B Farmand Homestead, besides just
naming chickens.

Bonnie (01:00:39):
Just sitting around all day naming chickens, or,

Brian (01:00:41):
yeah.
The first thing is, is that itreally is going to affect, and
it already has startedaffecting, the quantity of food
that we raise and grow on our,on our homestead.

Bonnie (01:00:51):
Yeah, when you have one less person there, it's, you're
going to want to reduce theamount of, you know, animals you
raise, um, food you grow, um,you don't need quite as much.
Of course he's going to comehome on breaks and things, but
it's, we're not feeding.
We don't have another mouth to

Brian (01:01:10):
feed.
Yeah, definitely.
I think the other thing that, aswell as it's really, um.
Caused us to reevaluate ourpriorities right now.
And, you know, there were somethings that we were doing and
that we have done because heenjoyed them because he liked
them, uh, and, and because ofhis involvement at the fair, um,

(01:01:32):
so, you know, the way that Ibred pigs.
To make sure that I had pigs inthe spring for him to show at
the fair, uh, how we haveordered chickens, the types of
chickens that we have ordered,the quantity of chickens that we
have ordered.
Um, a lot of that has been.
As a direct result of hisinvolvement in the homestead.

(01:01:55):
And so, you know, that reallyhas caused us to reevaluate some
of those things.
Obviously we've gotten rid ofthe pigs for more reasons than
just the fact that Brian Jay wasleaving.
We talked about that on anotherepisode, but as we've thought
about next year and thinkingabout the chickens that we're
going to order.

(01:02:15):
You know, are we going to get,uh, turkeys, you know, just
different things like that.
Um, it's really caused us toreevaluate our priorities.

Bonnie (01:02:26):
Yeah.
And you will.
I mean, anyone who doesn't haveanother, uh, that mouth to feed
or where you're not, um, youdon't have that person there.
There's, we're down to two nowinstead of three and you're,
you're going to, um, you mightnot need as many chickens.

Brian (01:02:42):
The last way that it's affecting our homestead is that
we're really trying to keepthings simple right now.
And what I mean by that is, we,we're trying to keep things on
the homestead such that if weneed to go to Gordon for a
concert, uh, or an emergency, Wewill have that freedom to be

(01:03:03):
able to do so.
That was a part of the reasonwhy we got rid of the pigs is
because that nailed us down somuch that if we needed to head
over there, like we're going tohave to this weekend and next
weekend because of his carsituation, um, then we would be
able to do so and not have toworry about So, yeah.

(01:03:24):
being home at a particular timeor having people come in and
care for our animals or docertain things.
So definitely, I thinksimplifying our homestead, at
least for the near term.
Has been another way that thishas affected us here on the

Bonnie (01:03:41):
homestead.
And as you, you've already said,like, we are enjoying the
freedom when we want to enjoythat freedom some more.
Like, let's face it, this is thefirst time in our lives we've
had, you know, all this time onour hands.
And, you know, we want to beable to be spontaneous with that
time for the first time in ourlives or in our married lives.

Brian (01:04:04):
Yeah, definitely.
It will, will, you know, nextyear we're hoping to do a little
bit more camping than that we'vebeen able to do, uh, in the, in
the, you know, not too distantpast.
And so that probably means thatwe will continue to keep things
simple or simpler here on thehomestead.
Um, Whether or not we get meatbirds and turkeys next year,

(01:04:26):
time will tell, but definitelywe will continue to keep things,
I think, a little bit more onthe simple side, at least for
this first year as we're gettingadjusted to this and we're
really trying to, even thoughwe've maintained that
connectedness, really trying toreconnect together as a couple
and trying to really understandwhat it is that we want.

(01:04:49):
From life moving forward, andcertainly it's not that we're
leaving homesteading behind thehomesteading is a part of who we
are raising and growing foodwill always be a part of who we
are, but it's just a matter ofat what scale are we going to do
that right now and then as wemove forward in the future, how
is that going to look?

(01:05:10):
So hopefully you found thishelpful.
Let me just run through one moretime the 11 reasons why we
believe this transition has beenless traumatic than what we
thought it would be.
The first is we were veryintentional about the process.
The second, we tried to prepareas best we could.
The third is that we've tried toreally lean into that concept of

(01:05:32):
having open hands and allowingBrian J that freedom to grow
into who he needs to be.
The fourth, we establishedboundaries as a family.
Number five, we've stayed busysince he has headed off to
college.
And then thinking about the morelong term decisions that we

(01:05:53):
made.
Number six, we establishedboundaries and Establish
expectations and try to instillin him character and values,
morals, respect from a veryyoung age.
Number seven, we tried to puthim in positions where other
people could speak into hislife.
Number eight, we did nothelicopter parent him.

(01:06:14):
Number nine, we increasinglygave him more independence.
Number ten, we spent timetogether with him.
And as a family and number 11,we stayed connected as a couple.
Now again, I want to be very,very clear on this, that
everyone's transition is goingto be different.

(01:06:37):
And if you go through a moreemotional transition than what
Bonnie and I have, I, I don'twant anybody to go away from
this episode thinking thatsomehow you did something wrong.
No, I mean,

Bonnie (01:06:49):
it's.
Everyone's different.
It's normal.
Like, feel the feelings.

Brian (01:06:55):
But, I also do want you...
To set yourself up for as muchsuccess as you can.
And so if you're closer to theend than you are to the
beginning, maybe you can't dosome of the more long term stuff
that we've done.
But you certainly can try toequip yourself as best you can.
You can really try to beintentional about the process.

(01:07:17):
You can really lean into openingup your hands and allowing your
child to grow and to flourish.
There are so many things thatyou can do that I think can help
set you up for success as youtransition into the empty nest,
uh, stage of life.
If you are somebody whosuccessfully made the transition

(01:07:39):
into empty nesting, I would loveto hear what worked for you and
kind of what you believe helpedcontribute to your success.
And if you're somebody who maybedidn't have as successful of a
transition, I'd also love tohear your story as well.
Reach out to me, brian at thehomesteadjourney.
net is my email address or youcan find us via all of our

(01:08:02):
social media accounts.
The links are in the descriptionbelow.
Before we sign off.
Anything else that you'd like tosay, Bonnie?
I think I'm all set.
Well, then I'm all set untilnext time.
Everybody keep up the good work.