Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
Welcome to the
Hopeful Perspective Podcast.
I am your host, jason Hopkins.
This podcast is designed togive you a perspective of hope
that impacts your life in anauthentic and tangible way.
I have even utilized sixepisodes of the podcast to share
my life story, whichillustrates God's glory through
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my own experiences overcomingchild abuse and trauma, 26
foster homes and institutions,various diagnoses affecting me
throughout my life and aneventual brain tumor resulting
in multiple brain surgeries onmy brain stem.
I have moved from merely beinga surviving former victim to a
faithful and godly, thrivingvictor who is moving to help
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others discover hope.
Though my past was full of painand suffering, I have been
restored with purpose andsanctification.
I have been redeemed.
I have also been called tofollow Christ in my redemption,
and I now want to help you, too,to have a biblical and hopeful
perspective as you approachdifferent situations in your own
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life, from the delightful tothe difficult and everything in
between.
I want to take a moment tothank you for listening and, if
you have done so, taking thetime to download our episodes,
as when you download, along withrating our podcast with an
honest response, you help thealgorithm immensely to spread
our reach.
That said, our stats indicatethat, while thousands listened
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and streamed the HopefulPerspective, less than 10%
actually download our episodes.
Please consider helping tobridge the gap, to broaden that
reach for us.
In that reach for us, we havealso provided a few options to
either contact our show withyour direct feedback, as well as
to support the podcastfinancially.
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If you are called to partnerwith us in bringing hope to a
hurting world, just click theembedded links found on any
episode you are downloading onyour podcast platform.
This is the first upload in acouple of weeks, as I had my
first break since I beganrecording for the Hopeful
Perspective podcast.
I will get into the what and whyI decided this was the time for
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a break a bit later, but priorto the hiatus, we were in a
series entitled Jar of Clay,based on the book Living from
the Heart Jesus Gave you, onethat has deeply impacted my
personal journey as a broken jarof clay living with the trauma
that formed dissociativeidentity disorder within me.
As I have stated before, Istrongly urge you to grab the
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book Living from the Heart JesusGave you, written by Wilder,
friesen, kopke, berling andPoole, if you want to learn more
about trusting him with yourpast wounds so you, too, can
move into your future promises.
Though it is a quick read, itis a treasure chest full of
biblical nuggets for anyone whoneeds to move from past grief to
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future glory in Christ.
I have already heard from a fewof you who have not only been
impacted by the series but havebeen moved to get the book, and
this warms my heart that a toolthat helped bring me hope can be
forwarded to do the same foryou.
Today, though, if you wouldgrant me the grace and trust me
with the discernment to do so,we are going to break from the
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series as I do a special episodethat was birthed out of the
time.
I spent the last couple ofweeks praying and emptying
myself physically andspiritually.
Before we get started today, Iwant to compel you to grab your
favorite snack, hot or coldbeverage, get comfortable and
come on this journey with me, aswe get up close and personal,
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and I share some things the Lordhas put on my heart regarding
loss, life and legacy.
I am 17 episodes into thispodcasting journey and I cannot
believe we're this deep into it,and I'm finding that I'm
yearning to learn as much abouthow to be a podcaster almost as
much as I desire that you arelearning about hope as my
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listeners as much as I desirethat you are learning about hope
as my listeners and as any oneof us who does anything long
enough.
I know I am learning through mymistakes as effectively as I am
through my own successes.
You see, listening back throughmy podcasts, there have been
times where I felt the episodesran a little long or were too
heavy in content, and so Iadjusted accordingly.
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A little long or were too heavyin content, and so I adjusted
accordingly.
I then have felt that at times,certain episodes listening back
ran too short or stopped toosuddenly.
Like anyone else, I havecritiqued the sound of my own
voice or have been frustrated atmy cadence.
If you've been listening allthe way through, you know that,
due to my traumatic brain injury, I need to have notes and
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essentially have to read myepisode, notes that I've created
for the sake of quality content, and this has frustrated me
with how this can come offversus a lively conversational
tone.
All of this to say, there havebeen certain guidelines or goals
that I've tried to use alongthe way.
First, I want this podcast tobe biblical and hermeneutically
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accurate as a hearer of the word, yet equally practical and
applicable to your life as adoer of the word.
Second, I want you, as thelistener, to walk away from each
podcast with the hope of thehope giver.
If I have not accomplished oneor both of these two elements,
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then I am not fulfilling themission and vision of the
hopeful perspective.
This is not to say thatepisodes defined outside these
criteria cannot be graded asquality content, or even as
godly or even biblical.
It's just that they are notfitting within the specific
mission that I have.
But why am I telling you all ofthis?
Well, first, I've always had aneye, ear and a heart for
accountability, even to anextreme where I can be
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hypercritical of myself.
Second, I have found that it isimportant to be accountable to
the people that I've been calledto serve, and in this case I
feel called to serve you, mylisteners.
And when you add up all theelements, I was becoming
increasingly self-aware ofsomething else.
Whereas the first 14 or soweeks I was full of joy and
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looking forward to creating andrecording episodes for the
podcast, the last few I hadbegan to feel a heavy burden, as
though I perhaps wasn't in factgood enough because of my brain
injury, because of myconsistencies and I knew I
needed to take a break to emptymyself before the Lord and to
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renew my spirit and the reasonthat I had felt Paul to the
podcast in the first place.
I had no idea the direction Iwas headed, nor the journey the
Holy Spirit was going to take meon in order to get there.
You see, to be honest andvulnerable, the enemy was
triggering me where I have beenvulnerable my entire life, where
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I have lived with what could becalled as the orphan spirit,
where I can struggle with a liethat I am not loved nor good
enough and my value is tied tomy performance.
For some reason, my mishaps orperceived mistakes with the
podcasts turned toward my mind.
Messing with these lies andfeeling further discouragement.
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I began toward a downwardspiral, one that was prone to
trigger my central pain syndromeon the right side of my body,
which was a whole red-hot mess.
I began to experience anintense flare-up that increased
in intensity by the day.
Then came September, the 10thSuicide Awareness Day.
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Initially, I thought littleabout the date itself until I
had my first body memory withPTSD and then my first flashback
, which was the phone call, thedreaded day the coroner called
me about my mother.
I will never forget thefeelings I had felt that day as
I processed the reality that thewoman who gave me life, albeit
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a difficult one, had now foundher way to death.
I had asked the coroner how shehad passed, and I learned that
she had overdosed the likeswhich is typically found in
either drug addicts or suicideattempts though they could not
be for certain which was hercause.
I can recall the mixture ofemotions and grief I was met
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with that day and for the weeksto come I had, only months
before my mother's passing, beenwith her in person and I had
felt the Lord press upon me toforgive her for the trauma and
the abuse that I was inflictedwith as a child.
And now she was just gone.
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I think in some way there wasthis idealistic portion of me
that always hoped my childrencould experience their
grandmother in a redemptivelight that I was unable to see
as a child myself, and this wasnot to be the case.
The hopeful part of me wished Ihad the chance to lead her in a
prayer to receive the love andforgiveness of Christ in her
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heart before she left us.
But I was never given thatchance and I am uncertain if she
knew the Lord and Savior at herdeath.
You see, the National Day ofSuicide is extremely personal
for me, not just for the storyof my mother, but also because
I've had good friends who losthope and, in their pain and
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desperation, felt like takingtheir lives was their only
option to end their pain.
And this day is triggering forme as I myself have made a
number of attempts on my ownlife as the pain became more
than I could bear along the way.
And the memory of my motheralso triggered a memory that I
had in the ICU during my lastsuicide attempt.
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I can recall awakening to tubescoming from various orifices of
my body, as one can onlyimagine, and I was still groggy
as the many drugs and alcohol Ihad overdosed on was still
within my system.
I recall seeing some of myfriends who were close to me
during that season surroundingmy hospital bed.
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Most clearly I recall the deeppain and shame I awoke feeling
with.
I remember wanting to escapethis feeling, which was exactly
what led me to attempting tooverdose and die in the first
place.
I was in the middle of dealingwith personal trauma from my
childhood and the variousprotective personalities within
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my dissociative identitydisorder, and I didn't want to
hurt any longer.
I didn't want to hurt my wifeanymore.
I didn't want to risk hurtingmy younger children anymore.
Suicide is about not seeing anyother option to ease the pain
and feeling stuck between a rockand a hard place.
And I will tell you, havingchosen this route a few times
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and a few times having failed,that you face the aftermath of
the guilt and the shame havingto deal with, as well as the
trauma that has been inflictedupon your loved ones.
So here I am on a September,the 10th of this year,
experiencing a flare-up, havinga flashback of the morgue
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calling me about my mother, aflashback of my last time in the
ICU having attempting suicide.
And then I am triggered back tomy last time in the ICU at all,
having completed brain surgeryfor the second time and now
being treated for meningitis andstaphylococcus.
My life would never be the sameafter this, and little did I
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know to what extent that mypersonality, my profession of
which I would have to retire myministry, my family, friendships
and anything else would beforever changed, and so I would
have flashbacks to the verymoment before I would go under
the anesthesia for the surgery,as this was the last time that I
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would ever be my old self.
For years, following my surgery,I had to relearn how to walk,
to talk, to grieve, to acceptand to grasp the new me that you
are listening to today and now.
For whatever reason, I couldn'tunderstand why, on this
particular day, september 10th,I was flashing back here again.
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And then it hit me, or rather,the Lord revealed to me what I
was most fearful of overeverything else.
Worse than the daily pain Iexperienced, the lack of
physical or mental stamina Ionce possessed, or the change in
personal relationships, what Ifeared most of all is the legacy
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that I would not or could notleave my children.
You see, it hit me the nightbefore as I was watching my wife
peacefully sleep.
I have pondered my own mortality, having faced death storm many
times before and feeling like mytime clock is now moving faster
than most people's.
Now, this question was at theroot of my greatest fear what
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would I leave my children if Iwere to go, having been a pastor
who is now retired it was neverintended to be monetary, as
money was never a priority thatwe taught nor believed as a key
principle guiding our lives.
As a father, sharing my faithwith them is of primary
significance.
Scripture declares that weought to train our children in
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the way they go and when they'reolder they will not part from
it.
To be honest and vulnerable, mykids have faced their own set
of traumatic circumstances thatI pray haven't circumvented
their faith nor have nullifiedthe credibility of the patriarch
of their family teaching andleading them.
Though I have often feared thatmy having DID definitely
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created some fearful andtraumatic moments.
Though my wife and I are bothamazed and have given great
praise to the Lord for the waysin which my children were
protected.
Yet then having serious brainsurgery, not once but twice,
resulted in severe changes,created inconsistencies and
shifts within my own abilitiesto help, lead and to guide them
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as I once could, and so I hopeas listeners you can hear and
understand the depth of my cry,even if you do not get the full
rationale or the extent of it.
I am at a loss, or at leastbattling fears and, at worst,
lies of the enemy, that I am notleaving behind a legacy for my
children that they can carry onUntil I thought of my father,
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who was found murdered in ariver when I was 14 years old,
and you just heard the story ofmy mother.
My mother had me as a teen momwho became an addict and battled
mental illness her entire life,dying on the streets in this
state.
My father's fate wasn't muchbetter, and it was here where
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the Lord brought to me what itwas that he was leaving behind
for my children.
I have never blamed my parentsone day for anything that has
happened to me, nor made anexcuse for it.
I have strived to be the bestversion of me, the most healed
and restored version, and theLord adopted me as his own son
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once my parents could no longercare for me.
You see, jesus began writing anew story with my life and the
Hopkins family, and one that wasfull of redemption.
And in order for that power tobe perfected and made powerful,
there had to be deep pain.
As I sought restoration andtherapy, jesus' light was
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shining through this beautifuland broken jar of clay.
When I was married to abeautiful and faithful, bright,
shining light in my wife, a newchapter in the family was being
written and a family was born.
My children were the beginningof the next generation that was
born for new things andtherefore the generational
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curses that I was born underneeded to be broken.
And my children would be freeand be born under their safe and
warm covering of a householdthat truly loved them.
They would have parents thatcould stay together despite the
hardships that were faced andthere were several hardships and
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severe hardships but the Lordkept them and he was with them.
And since the Lord was with us,he is with my children, and
that is the legacy that I amgiven my kids.
They shall have the Lord astheir father.
They shall choose to follow himor not to follow him.
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They will have the ability tolook to our heavenly father
during their hardships, theirdark times and the moments they
think they too cannot carry onany longer.
You see, I have been so fearfulthat my value is tied to my own
performance that I had forgottenthat my value is in Christ, and
he has already done it.
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My legacy is in Him, sotherefore it is that of my
children's.
My hope is in Him, and so isthe hope of my kids.
Jesus gave me life, and now Ihave life to the full.
Jesus gave me hope and now Ican share that hope with others.
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And Jesus has given my lifemeaning a legacy that I can pass
down for generations to mychildren and their children and
so on, and that comes from love,life and legacy.
And that is so.
The Lord, our God.
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And maybe some of you arelistening and you have never
made a decision to follow JesusChrist as your Lord and your
Savior before today.
Perhaps you are sensing theSpirit moving you toward Him,
and I would be remissed if weleft our time today without
providing that opportunity foryou to respond, and I want to
pray for you right now.
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So all of you listening eitheragree with this prayer or lift
those up in intercession rightnow.
Lord Jesus, I repent of my sinsand I surrender my life to you.
Wash me and cleanse me from allunforgiveness and pride.
I believe that you are the Sonof God, that you died on the
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cross for the forgiveness of mysins and you rose again on the
third day for my victory.
I believe that in my heart andI make confession with my mouth
that you, jesus, are my Lord andmy Savior and that your kingdom
is indeed forever.
I want to live my life accordingto your terms and I want you to
change my reliance for myselfand any earthly vessels that I
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have placed my hope, and insteadI want to trust your plan and
ask for you to put the peopleand the processes and the models
to pursue restoration into mylife.
I ask for you to reveal to mewhere I have neglected the needs
of those who are broken aroundme, where I've become
indifferent, incapable or havebeen unable to unprioritize
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those that need to feel the hopeof Christ.
Thank you for being a God ofmercy, a God of healing and a
God of truth, a God of hope.
Might I become a beacon of hopeto the hurting.
May I be one who shows andshares eternal life to those on
their way to spiritual death.
Show me your ways, lord.
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Give us the spiritual eyes tosee on earth as it is in heaven,
and may our priorities begin toreflect your heart and your
kingdom, for it's in your name,jesus, christ of Nazareth, that
I pray Amen.
If you have today agreed withthis prayer from the depths of
your heart, then I welcome youto the eternal family of God and
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I commend you in your return toyour faith, if that is what
you've chosen to do today.
I want to encourage you to finda church faith family who
worships the Lord passionately,is committed to the teaching and
preaching of the scriptures,and one that is committed to
serving the community and beyond.
Also, devote yourself to thereading of scriptures, as there
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is much to grow, to learn and tobe discipled in as it pertains
to new life and maturity inChrist.
The Lord is so much in the wayof hope to show his children in
his love letters that he haswritten to them.
And next time, on the HopefulPerspective podcast, we will
pick back up our series Jars ofClay podcast.
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We will pick back up our seriesJars of Clay.
So I am looking forward tobeing with you next time as we
meet together on the HopefulPerspective.
Until then, I want to thank youfor joining me along this
journey, allowing me to sharefrom my heart today and, if you
would be so kind to follow,subscribe and, most importantly,
to rate and write a review forothers on your platform who may
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need the hopeful perspective intheir life.
Did you know that you cancontribute monetarily by
pressing our support the showlink that is embedded on your
platform in the episodedescriptions, if you believe in
what we do, I would cherish yourprayers as well as considering
giving to our cause we do.
I would cherish your prayers aswell as considering giving to
our cause.
I want to shout out mygratitude to the multiple new
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donors who already have madethis commitment to support the
podcast financially.
Without you, it would not bepossible to reach as many people
with the messages that we do oranyone who needs to be reminded
that hope is real.
So thank you so much in advanceand until next time, remember
you are loved.