April 7, 2025 • 24 mins
How do you rebuild your life when everything you thought defined you is suddenly stripped away? My journey through traumatic brain injury reveals the raw, unfiltered struggle of having to reinvent yourself while grieving who you once were.
Following brain tumor surgery that left me with permanent cognitive limitations and central pain syndrome, I found myself unable to work or function as the husband, father, and pastor I had always been. The neuropsychological evaluation one year post-surgery delivered devastating news: my brain simply couldn't sustain the stamina required for employment. This reality crushed me, sending me spiraling into the darkest depression of my life – sleeping for days straight, contemplating suicide, and seriously questioning my faith for the first time despite decades of ministry.
The physical pain was relentless – a constant burning sensation across the right side of my body that, at its worst, felt like someone drilling into my bones. But equally painful was the isolation. While support flowed freely immediately after surgery, people gradually disappeared from our lives. Only one spiritual mentor remained consistently present through my darkest days.
Everything changed through an extraordinary spiritual experience that occurred, surprisingly, during a late-night Xbox session. This profound encounter with what I can only describe as an angelic presence initiated my painful but transformative journey back to hope. It led me to implement life-changing spiritual disciplines, most importantly daily Scripture reading that revolutionized my relationship with God in ways my previous 25 years of ministry never had.
The most challenging part continues to be grieving the man I was before – with all his abilities, personality, and purpose. Yet through this ongoing process, I've discovered a new calling: sharing authentic hope with others facing their own seemingly impossible circumstances. I've learned that true strength isn't found in independence but in vulnerable surrender and that purpose can emerge from our deepest pain when we allow ourselves to be transformed by it.
Are you inspired by what you hear today? Jason deeply appreciates his listeners taking their time to listening, downloading, and sharing The Hopeful Perspective Podcast. Please help me spread 'hope' to others by writing a review for the podcast making it reachable for all who need to be inspired, encouraged, and changed by hoping once again. Further, understand that downloading the podcast is a surefire way to help increase the algorithm thus the reach of The Hopeful Perspective, even if you delete the episode after listening so as to not affect your data storage. I have also provided a (Support the Show) link DIRECTLY ABOVE THIS PARAGRAPH to click on for those who have shared with me they are "all in" and feel called to financially support the mission and vision of The Hopeful Perspective. A special thank you to those who have made this humble step to financially support the podcast. Without you, there is no US!
Jason Hopkins can also be reached on Facebook as well as Instagram and Threads (jayhop9953). You can also follow 'The Hopeful Perspective' FB page; where you can find more information as well as learn about upcoming news and episodes on the The Hopeful Perspective Podcast.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Welcome to the Hopeful Perspective Podcast.
I am your host, jason Hopkins.
This podcast is designed togive you a perspective of hope
that impacts your daily life inan authentic and tangible way.
I aspire to give you a glimpseof how my own life has been
impacted so tremendously, and soI chose to take six full
(00:20):
episodes and share with you myown personal life story, which
illustrates God's glory.
Through experiences overcomingchild abuse and trauma, 26
foster homes and institutions,various diagnoses affecting me
throughout my life and aneventual brain tumor resulting
in multiple brain surgeries onmy brainstem, I have moved from
merely a surviving victim to afaithful and thriving victor who
(00:45):
the Lord has motivated to helpothers discover hope.
Though my past was full of painand suffering, I have been
restored with purpose andsanctification.
I have been redeemed and calledto follow Christ within that
redemption and renewedperspective.
If you want to hear more ofthis transformation, I want to
encourage you to listen to thesefirst six episodes, if you have
(01:05):
not already.
If you have been able to, I nowwant to help you to develop and
deepen a biblical and hopefulperspective as you approach
differing situations in your ownlife, from the delightful to
the difficult and everything inbetween, I do want to thank you
for making the time to listenand, if you are able to, taking
the time to download our podcastepisodes, as when you download,
(01:28):
along with rating our podcastwith an honest response, you
help the algorithm immensely tospread our reach.
We have provided a few optionsto contact our show with your
direct feedback, as I absolutelyvalue your interaction.
You can do so on your favoritepodcast platform or even utilize
our Facebook page, simplyentitled the Hopeful Perspective
(01:50):
.
We would also invite you tosupport the podcast financially.
If you're called to partnerwith us in bringing hope to a
hurting world, just click theembedded links found on any
episode you are downloading onyour podcast platform.
Before we get started today, Iwant to compel you to grab your
favorite snack, hot or coldbeverage.
(02:11):
Get comfortable and come onthis journey with me as we
discuss my living with thetraumatic brain injury and the
impact it has had on me and mylife the past few years.
Though the journey has beendifficult at times, jesus has
been faithful to bring methrough all the valleys and has
grown so much fruit that I amexcited to share with you.
(02:32):
We left off the last episodewhere I had just discovered all
the results from my one-yearneuropsychological appointment
that all patients who have beendiagnosed with a TBI undergo.
The emotional fallout of thesefindings were unlike any other
that I had ever experienced.
And, mind you, this is comingfrom a guy who has previously
(02:54):
been diagnosed with the mostadvanced case of adolescent PTSD
ever diagnosed, and then laterdiagnosed with dissociative
identity disorder.
Accepting all that it meant tolive with the traumatic brain
injury topped even the intenseramifications of those previous
diagnosis, Realizing that mybrain would be incapable,
(03:16):
stamina-wise, of supporting ajob that could help to provide
for my family, ripped asignificant part of my core
purpose and what it means to bea husband and a father.
That next year I went into adeep and dark depression,
certainly another in what hasbeen a series of dark nights of
my soul.
I spent literal months in mybed in both emotional and even
(03:41):
physical pain.
You see, one of the issues formy TBI following surgery was
that I was dealing with pain onthe right side of my body, from
the top of my head to the tip ofmy toe, and it was as though
you could draw a line down thecenter of my body to separate
the half that experienced painfrom the half that was pain-free
(04:03):
.
My doctor was doing everythingto help me figure out the cause
of this issue, and it wasn'tuntil three years after brain
surgery and me dealing with thispain, that a neurologist was
finally able to diagnose me withwhat is called central pain
syndrome.
This occurs whenever a part ofthe central nervous system is
affected or damaged, in my casethe brain stem.
(04:25):
Having the tumor and thesubsequent surgery resulting in
the neurological dysfunction,there is no cure for central
pain syndrome.
At its minimum, I feel asthough I have a bad sunburn on
my skin on the right side of mybody.
At worst, I feel as thoughsomebody is drilling into my
bones and I have to behospitalized.
(04:47):
I am treated with differentnerve and pain medications, yet
ultimately, I have learned tolive with the disorder.
So the first year I was livingin physical and emotional pain
within my bed, sleeping as muchas I could, upwards of two to
three days straight, where mywife and children were waking me
(05:07):
up to make sure that I was evenalive the darkest truth of the
matter I was seriouslyconsidering taking my life, as I
could not see myself livinglike this for the next 40 to 50
years without purpose and in somuch emotional and physical pain
.
You see, whereas my family andI felt a lot of support the
(05:27):
first six months or so followingmy brain surgery, at about the
six-month mark it seemed likepeople just began to drift away.
Once I resigned my position atthe church as the one that had
provided so much pastoral careand counseling for so many
people for so many years was nowin need of his own care, and
there was really only one personwho was actually willing to
(05:50):
offer the level of care that Ineeded.
The irony this person, who Isee as a spiritual father and
who mostly operates in the roleof a pastor in whatever church
he has been a part of in hislife, from teaching to preaching
, to caring for people hedoesn't see himself in this role
.
Yet he is the one who livedthis out week to week after my
(06:11):
surgery, whenever I let him in,that is, and to this day is
faithful to hang out on aregular basis.
There will be more to come onthis man of God moving forward,
but in the dark night of my soul, the other people I once called
good friends seemed to vanquishthe couples my wife and I had
(06:34):
relied on to provide love andsupport even went silent.
We were struggling through thisnew reality where we were
experiencing isolation andloneliness as a couple.
I became confused, angry andsaddened with God, my faith took
a significant hit In processingeverything I had felt.
(06:55):
I had given so much to followChrist.
I had been so transparent in myjourney up to this point
through my transformation, onlyto have my life once again
turned upside down at 38 yearsold Now.
My purpose and calling werestripped, my personality and
livelihood forever altered.
(07:19):
When I was awake in bed, I beganconsuming atheistic content on
YouTube and it began fueling myanger and my confusion.
I was prepared to walkcompletely away from my faith in
Christ.
I wasn't even prepared toconfess this reality to my wife,
which I knew would further turnher world upside down.
(07:39):
At the same time I'mexperiencing this, I'm trying to
remain present in my children'slives.
Whereas I was once the coach ofmy son's basketball team, I am
now just one of the spectatingparents.
Whereas I was once aresponsible, level-headed and
respected member of the localcoaching fraternity, who you
(08:02):
could say was led by the fruitof the Spirit, I was now in the
stands with little self-controland getting into confrontations
with parents from the opposingteams over petty issues that I
would have never in my old role,in a million years and former
self, have gotten into.
My wife would find herself inthe role of peacemaker.
(08:25):
As well as trying to prepare meon the way to games to keep my
mind and my mouth clear andcontrolled, I witnessed the
stress of this mount over timeupon her.
This type of experiencemirrored the issues we had on
the home front with emotions andcommunication, and it further
drilled into my mind thefailures that I bore as a
(08:48):
husband and a father.
Such was this dark night of mysoul Deep and dreadful
depression, walking away from myfaith, obsessive and compulsive
thoughts regarding my failuresand losses as a husband and a
father.
(09:09):
Months in my bed, suicidalideation Something had to give
or else I literally wasn't goingto carry on much longer.
And that's when I had anexperience I had never before
and haven't ever had since, andit was during one of my
(09:29):
late-night gaming sessions thatI am prone to have.
Yes, one of the most powerfulspiritual experiences of my life
happened while I was playingXbox.
So, to set the stage, I was inour game room playing in the
middle of the night, due to thefact that I was having one of my
central pain syndrome flare-ups, which disable me from sleeping
(09:51):
.
As I was immersed in my game, Iall of a sudden had a vision
that appeared on my wall.
The most bright light I hadever seen, with some sort of
being appeared.
I was absolutely blown away, asI have never been one to
(10:12):
receive visions.
The being identified himself asan angel of the Lord.
What transpired was aconversation regarding
existential topics such as thepurpose of hell, clearly
addressing my recent fascinationwith atheism and my own
teetering with my faith.
I'm sure at some point I willdo another podcast series where
(10:33):
I address this topic of hell,where I had undergone a score of
research following this angelicexperience of sorts, but until
then, let's talk about what hadoccurred.
And what transpired is difficultto put into words.
All that I can say is I wastaken on a journey with the
(10:57):
assistance of this angelic being, where I was put into the form
of the most microscopic beingThink like a single cell
organism.
Where I was taken across timeand space dimensions over
several millennia, mind you whenI was shown just a sliver of
(11:20):
the mighty power of God, theFather and the Creator and what
he possessed.
Yet it's where I ended up.
That was the most remarkable.
I ended up in the arms of theFather, and this light was
brighter than the first.
He embraced me close to Hisheart, and the euphoria and the
(11:43):
warmth I felt was unlikeanything I'd ever experienced.
He then spoke into my heart thepurpose even of my recent pain
and my suffering.
The words I give you now doabsolutely no justice to this
experience, specifically how Iam describing it this many years
(12:05):
later.
But just know, my friends, thisvision and conversation changed
my life, and out of it I wasgiven a whole new purpose that
led me out of the dark night ofmy soul and into the new purpose
that the Lord had for me.
Furthermore, I can say thatthis experience led to the
(12:27):
formation of this very podcast,and even its name the Hopeful
Perspective.
I do not want to get ahead ofmyself, though.
In order to be certain I wasable to fully come out of the
dark cave I had found myself inthe past few years, a number of
changes needed to be made, andthis applied to my daily routine
(12:50):
.
I began taking notes as to whatthe Spirit was now downloading.
To me, the most significantchange was I needed to get into
the Word daily.
Now this is my opportunity tocome clean and set some
presumptions straight that somepeople may have about pastors,
(13:11):
or at least I can tell you aboutthis pastor in specific.
You see, as a shepherd, I haveled people through God's word
the entirety of my ministry for20 plus years.
But as for my own devotionallife, I have to admit that this
wavered to and fro throughout mylife.
I attempted several times to dothe daily devotions where I
(13:35):
could read God's word in a yearand somehow I'd miss a day and
instead of getting back on thehorse, I'd end up giving up 50
to 100 days in.
I would always be jealous ofthe pastors I know who showed
discipline in their spirituallife and, quite frankly, I felt
(13:59):
like I would be found a fraud ifpeople knew how inconsistent
that I was in my own time in theWord.
Don't get me wrong.
I loved God my entire ministry,yet I always knew there was a
passion and a level to lovingHim that I was never reaching,
and so it was after this visionin the dark night of my soul
that I knew I truly needed tospend time with Him daily in the
(14:24):
word.
I truly needed to spend timewith Him daily in the Word, and
so the next day I started doingjust that.
The first year of my journey, Imissed 11 days.
The second year, I missed three.
I am now on year number threeand what I can tell you is,
since I started being in HisWord daily, my faith has never
(14:46):
been the same.
I am only saddened for the 25to almost 30 years of my faith
in Jesus where I missed out onthe deep and vibrant faith and
opportunity to go through theBible that many times and to be
with the author of these loveletters to me and to you.
(15:08):
The second change I needed tomake was to eliminate all of the
atheistic content I wasconsuming that was causing me to
pull away and to rather pour incontent that was honoring to
the Lord.
I sought out biblical contenton YouTube and actually even
found debates where Christiansand atheists went head to head,
(15:30):
which served to edify my faith.
I listened to pastors onYouTube who spoke truth and life
, who pastored me for the nextcouple years.
And, third, I leaned into thatman of God, the one who had
already been there the pastseven years since my brain
surgery.
Beyond that seven yearsactually he was present all
(15:54):
throughout the times when itseemed no one else was.
He had heard me crying out andeven shouting out in anger to
God.
He was there during the darknight of my soul.
I had shut him out for a timeduring my depression, but he was
the one I turned to and isstill here during this day, even
(16:14):
as I prepare this recording.
He will be coming over to meetin an hour to talk about my
family, my marriage, and he isexcited to hear about how this
podcast is going.
I'm sure he is eager to talkabout the last episode, as I'm
certain he's listened to it.
Everybody needs a mentor who isas present as this man of God
(16:36):
is in my own life.
The last thing I want to discusstoday isn't so much a daily
routine or discipline that Iadded on to deepen my
spirituality, but it wassomething that I had to do in
order to move forward in myfaith and also to be further
transformed for my family as ahusband and a father, and it was
(16:59):
a process that literally took anumber of years and trusting in
the Lord to accomplishliterally took a number of years
and trusting in the Lord toaccomplish.
What I am talking about is thatI had to grieve and to let go
of the man that I was prior tobrain surgery, with all of his
purpose, his gifts, talents, hisministry, his personality, how
(17:22):
his wife and his kids viewed him, etc.
If you recall, I rememberclearly all of what this was
like, and the most difficultaspect was comparing myself
today with who I was before,comparing the way that I talk,
laugh, smile, argue.
(17:44):
I used to feel so much shamenot being able to provide for my
family and, to be completelyhonest, I still am triggered
with that shame by voices of theenemy here and there.
I am going through therapy tothis day to continue grieving
the man that I once was, so thatI can fully accept the man that
(18:08):
the Lord has called me to betoday for my family, a man that
doesn't have to be super butneeds to be present, faithful to
God, accountable, a man thathas been called to bring hope to
a world that is in need.
Now, my friends, regardless ofwhere you are on your spiritual
(18:31):
journey as it pertains tofollowing Christ, I pray that,
as you are listening, you arenot undergoing mere information
transference, but rather you aresensing the Spirit talking
directly to you Because, friends, in my experience, the Holy
Spirit is deeply personal andwith Him there are no accidents,
(18:52):
incidents, coincidences orinstances where he is not
weaving His redemptive work inyour life.
Rather, as we are joinedtogether right now on a podcast,
as Jesus declared 2,000 yearsago from his hillside sermon, we
have an opportunity to join thekingdom of heaven.
You have reason to havesignificant hope in your life
(19:15):
right now.
Perhaps you are sensing theSpirit moving you toward him
today throughout even thispodcast, and I would be remissed
if we left our time todaywithout providing an opportunity
for us to respond.
And I want to pray for youright now.
So, for anyone listening, Iwant you and your spirit to
either agree with this prayerand lift those up, praying it
(19:38):
for the first time to the Lordto be blessed and to be drawn to
Him for the first time.
To the Lord to be blessed andto be drawn to him.
Lord Jesus, I sense you drawingme in.
I hear your whispers and yourbeckoning and, though I do not
understand them all, I want toacknowledge you in them.
Now, for some of you, you'venever said yes to Christ.
(19:59):
This may be what you aresensing and I want to pray with
you right now.
Jesus, I repent of my sins andI surrender my life to you.
Wash me and cleanse me from allunforgiveness and pride that
has blocked me before.
I believe that you are theMessiah and the one true God.
You are the Son of God.
(20:19):
I believe that you died on thecross for the forgiveness of my
sins and you rose again on thethird day for my victory.
I believe that in my heart, andI make confession with my mouth
, that you, jesus, are my Lordand my Savior and that the
kingdom of heaven is both nowand forever.
I want to live my life accordingto your terms and I want you to
(20:41):
change my reliance from myselfand any earthly vessels or vices
in which I have previouslyplaced hope.
Instead, I want to trust yourplan and ask for you to put the
people, the processes and theplans to pursue forgiveness,
restoration and recovery in mylife.
Where I am still feeling brokeninside.
(21:01):
I ask for you to reveal to mewhere I have neglected the needs
of those around me who arebroken, where I have become
indifferent, incapable or havebeen unable to prioritize the
people in my life who need tofeel the hope of Christ.
Make me sensitive and lovingfor their story.
Show me where I am called to bea part of your mission, and I
(21:24):
entrust myself to your equippingand sending, as you will.
Thank you for being a God ofmercy, a God of healing and a
God of truth, a God of hope.
Might I become a beacon of hopeto the hurting.
May I be one who shows andshares eternal life with those
on their way to spiritual death.
(21:44):
Make me your salt.
Help me to be your light.
Show me your ways, lord, giveus the spiritual eyes to see on
earth as it is in heaven.
May our priorities begin toreflect your heart and your
kingdom, for it's in your name,jesus, that we pray these things
.
Amen.
(22:06):
If you have today agreed withthis prayer from the depths of
your heart, I either welcome youto the eternal family of God or
perhaps you felt Jesuscompelling you to return to him.
You have been maybe gone awayfrom the fellowship and
restoration of the Lord and youhear Him calling you back today.
Whether you are new to thefamily or returning, I say
(22:29):
welcome home.
And now I want to encourage youto find a church faith family
who worships the Lordpassionately, is committed to
the teaching and preaching ofthe scriptures and is committed
to serving the community andbeyond.
Also devote yourself to thereading of the scriptures, as
there is so much to grow, learnand be discipled in as it
(22:50):
pertains to new life andmaturity in Christ.
The Lord has so much in the wayof hope to show His children in
His love letters that he haswritten to them Hopeful family.
This has been my absolutepleasure to spend the morning,
afternoon or evening, whichevertime of day it is for you,
growing and learning with you.
(23:12):
I look forward to tuning in nexttime on the Hopeful Perspective
, where we continue discussingmy journey dealing with the TBI
and the lessons that you canpersonally use to draw near
Christ and his kingdom throughit all, and the lessons that you
can personally use to draw nearChrist and his kingdom through
it all.
Until then, I want to thank youfor joining me along this
journey, allowing me to sharefrom my heart today and, if
(23:33):
you'd be so kind as to follow,subscribe and, most importantly,
rate and write a review for theothers on your podcasting
platform, others who may needthe hopeful perspective in their
life?
And again, did you know thatyou could contribute financially
to our show by pressing oursupport the show link that is
embedded on your platform in theepisode descriptions?
If you believe in what we do, Iwould cherish your prayerful
(23:57):
giving to the cause.
I want to shout out mygratitude to the multiple new
donors who have already madethis commitment to support the
podcast financially.
Without you, it would not bepossible to reach as many people
with the messages we do, oranyone who needs to be reminded
that hope is real.
(24:18):
So thank you so much in advanceand until next time time,
remember you are loved.
Welcome to the Hopeful Perspective Podcast.
I am your host, jason Hopkins.
This podcast is designed togive you a perspective of hope
that impacts your daily life inan authentic and tangible way.
I aspire to give you a glimpseof how my own life has been
impacted so tremendously, and soI chose to take six full
(00:20):
episodes and share with you myown personal life story, which
illustrates God's glory.
Through experiences overcomingchild abuse and trauma, 26
foster homes and institutions,various diagnoses affecting me
throughout my life and aneventual brain tumor resulting
in multiple brain surgeries onmy brainstem, I have moved from
merely a surviving victim to afaithful and thriving victor who
(00:45):
the Lord has motivated to helpothers discover hope.
Though my past was full of painand suffering, I have been
restored with purpose andsanctification.
I have been redeemed and calledto follow Christ within that
redemption and renewedperspective.
If you want to hear more ofthis transformation, I want to
encourage you to listen to thesefirst six episodes, if you have
(01:05):
not already.
If you have been able to, I nowwant to help you to develop and
deepen a biblical and hopefulperspective as you approach
differing situations in your ownlife, from the delightful to
the difficult and everything inbetween, I do want to thank you
for making the time to listenand, if you are able to, taking
the time to download our podcastepisodes, as when you download,
(01:28):
along with rating our podcastwith an honest response, you
help the algorithm immensely tospread our reach.
We have provided a few optionsto contact our show with your
direct feedback, as I absolutelyvalue your interaction.
You can do so on your favoritepodcast platform or even utilize
our Facebook page, simplyentitled the Hopeful Perspective
(01:50):
.
We would also invite you tosupport the podcast financially.
If you're called to partnerwith us in bringing hope to a
hurting world, just click theembedded links found on any
episode you are downloading onyour podcast platform.
Before we get started today, Iwant to compel you to grab your
favorite snack, hot or coldbeverage.
(02:11):
Get comfortable and come onthis journey with me as we
discuss my living with thetraumatic brain injury and the
impact it has had on me and mylife the past few years.
Though the journey has beendifficult at times, jesus has
been faithful to bring methrough all the valleys and has
grown so much fruit that I amexcited to share with you.
(02:32):
We left off the last episodewhere I had just discovered all
the results from my one-yearneuropsychological appointment
that all patients who have beendiagnosed with a TBI undergo.
The emotional fallout of thesefindings were unlike any other
that I had ever experienced.
And, mind you, this is comingfrom a guy who has previously
(02:54):
been diagnosed with the mostadvanced case of adolescent PTSD
ever diagnosed, and then laterdiagnosed with dissociative
identity disorder.
Accepting all that it meant tolive with the traumatic brain
injury topped even the intenseramifications of those previous
diagnosis, Realizing that mybrain would be incapable,
(03:16):
stamina-wise, of supporting ajob that could help to provide
for my family, ripped asignificant part of my core
purpose and what it means to bea husband and a father.
That next year I went into adeep and dark depression,
certainly another in what hasbeen a series of dark nights of
my soul.
I spent literal months in mybed in both emotional and even
(03:41):
physical pain.
You see, one of the issues formy TBI following surgery was
that I was dealing with pain onthe right side of my body, from
the top of my head to the tip ofmy toe, and it was as though
you could draw a line down thecenter of my body to separate
the half that experienced painfrom the half that was pain-free
(04:03):
.
My doctor was doing everythingto help me figure out the cause
of this issue, and it wasn'tuntil three years after brain
surgery and me dealing with thispain, that a neurologist was
finally able to diagnose me withwhat is called central pain
syndrome.
This occurs whenever a part ofthe central nervous system is
affected or damaged, in my casethe brain stem.
(04:25):
Having the tumor and thesubsequent surgery resulting in
the neurological dysfunction,there is no cure for central
pain syndrome.
At its minimum, I feel asthough I have a bad sunburn on
my skin on the right side of mybody.
At worst, I feel as thoughsomebody is drilling into my
bones and I have to behospitalized.
(04:47):
I am treated with differentnerve and pain medications, yet
ultimately, I have learned tolive with the disorder.
So the first year I was livingin physical and emotional pain
within my bed, sleeping as muchas I could, upwards of two to
three days straight, where mywife and children were waking me
(05:07):
up to make sure that I was evenalive the darkest truth of the
matter I was seriouslyconsidering taking my life, as I
could not see myself livinglike this for the next 40 to 50
years without purpose and in somuch emotional and physical pain
.
You see, whereas my family andI felt a lot of support the
(05:27):
first six months or so followingmy brain surgery, at about the
six-month mark it seemed likepeople just began to drift away.
Once I resigned my position atthe church as the one that had
provided so much pastoral careand counseling for so many
people for so many years was nowin need of his own care, and
there was really only one personwho was actually willing to
(05:50):
offer the level of care that Ineeded.
The irony this person, who Isee as a spiritual father and
who mostly operates in the roleof a pastor in whatever church
he has been a part of in hislife, from teaching to preaching
, to caring for people hedoesn't see himself in this role
.
Yet he is the one who livedthis out week to week after my
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surgery, whenever I let him in,that is, and to this day is
faithful to hang out on aregular basis.
There will be more to come onthis man of God moving forward,
but in the dark night of my soul, the other people I once called
good friends seemed to vanquishthe couples my wife and I had
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relied on to provide love andsupport even went silent.
We were struggling through thisnew reality where we were
experiencing isolation andloneliness as a couple.
I became confused, angry andsaddened with God, my faith took
a significant hit In processingeverything I had felt.
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I had given so much to followChrist.
I had been so transparent in myjourney up to this point
through my transformation, onlyto have my life once again
turned upside down at 38 yearsold Now.
My purpose and calling werestripped, my personality and
livelihood forever altered.
(07:19):
When I was awake in bed, I beganconsuming atheistic content on
YouTube and it began fueling myanger and my confusion.
I was prepared to walkcompletely away from my faith in
Christ.
I wasn't even prepared toconfess this reality to my wife,
which I knew would further turnher world upside down.
(07:39):
At the same time I'mexperiencing this, I'm trying to
remain present in my children'slives.
Whereas I was once the coach ofmy son's basketball team, I am
now just one of the spectatingparents.
Whereas I was once aresponsible, level-headed and
respected member of the localcoaching fraternity, who you
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could say was led by the fruitof the Spirit, I was now in the
stands with little self-controland getting into confrontations
with parents from the opposingteams over petty issues that I
would have never in my old role,in a million years and former
self, have gotten into.
My wife would find herself inthe role of peacemaker.
(08:25):
As well as trying to prepare meon the way to games to keep my
mind and my mouth clear andcontrolled, I witnessed the
stress of this mount over timeupon her.
This type of experiencemirrored the issues we had on
the home front with emotions andcommunication, and it further
drilled into my mind thefailures that I bore as a
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husband and a father.
Such was this dark night of mysoul Deep and dreadful
depression, walking away from myfaith, obsessive and compulsive
thoughts regarding my failuresand losses as a husband and a
father.
(09:09):
Months in my bed, suicidalideation Something had to give
or else I literally wasn't goingto carry on much longer.
And that's when I had anexperience I had never before
and haven't ever had since, andit was during one of my
(09:29):
late-night gaming sessions thatI am prone to have.
Yes, one of the most powerfulspiritual experiences of my life
happened while I was playingXbox.
So, to set the stage, I was inour game room playing in the
middle of the night, due to thefact that I was having one of my
central pain syndrome flare-ups, which disable me from sleeping
(09:51):
.
As I was immersed in my game, Iall of a sudden had a vision
that appeared on my wall.
The most bright light I hadever seen, with some sort of
being appeared.
I was absolutely blown away, asI have never been one to
(10:12):
receive visions.
The being identified himself asan angel of the Lord.
What transpired was aconversation regarding
existential topics such as thepurpose of hell, clearly
addressing my recent fascinationwith atheism and my own
teetering with my faith.
I'm sure at some point I willdo another podcast series where
(10:33):
I address this topic of hell,where I had undergone a score of
research following this angelicexperience of sorts, but until
then, let's talk about what hadoccurred.
And what transpired is difficultto put into words.
All that I can say is I wastaken on a journey with the
(10:57):
assistance of this angelic being, where I was put into the form
of the most microscopic beingThink like a single cell
organism.
Where I was taken across timeand space dimensions over
several millennia, mind you whenI was shown just a sliver of
(11:20):
the mighty power of God, theFather and the Creator and what
he possessed.
Yet it's where I ended up.
That was the most remarkable.
I ended up in the arms of theFather, and this light was
brighter than the first.
He embraced me close to Hisheart, and the euphoria and the
(11:43):
warmth I felt was unlikeanything I'd ever experienced.
He then spoke into my heart thepurpose even of my recent pain
and my suffering.
The words I give you now doabsolutely no justice to this
experience, specifically how Iam describing it this many years
(12:05):
later.
But just know, my friends, thisvision and conversation changed
my life, and out of it I wasgiven a whole new purpose that
led me out of the dark night ofmy soul and into the new purpose
that the Lord had for me.
Furthermore, I can say thatthis experience led to the
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formation of this very podcast,and even its name the Hopeful
Perspective.
I do not want to get ahead ofmyself, though.
In order to be certain I wasable to fully come out of the
dark cave I had found myself inthe past few years, a number of
changes needed to be made, andthis applied to my daily routine
(12:50):
.
I began taking notes as to whatthe Spirit was now downloading.
To me, the most significantchange was I needed to get into
the Word daily.
Now this is my opportunity tocome clean and set some
presumptions straight that somepeople may have about pastors,
(13:11):
or at least I can tell you aboutthis pastor in specific.
You see, as a shepherd, I haveled people through God's word
the entirety of my ministry for20 plus years.
But as for my own devotionallife, I have to admit that this
wavered to and fro throughout mylife.
I attempted several times to dothe daily devotions where I
(13:35):
could read God's word in a yearand somehow I'd miss a day and
instead of getting back on thehorse, I'd end up giving up 50
to 100 days in.
I would always be jealous ofthe pastors I know who showed
discipline in their spirituallife and, quite frankly, I felt
(13:59):
like I would be found a fraud ifpeople knew how inconsistent
that I was in my own time in theWord.
Don't get me wrong.
I loved God my entire ministry,yet I always knew there was a
passion and a level to lovingHim that I was never reaching,
and so it was after this visionin the dark night of my soul
that I knew I truly needed tospend time with Him daily in the
(14:24):
word.
I truly needed to spend timewith Him daily in the Word, and
so the next day I started doingjust that.
The first year of my journey, Imissed 11 days.
The second year, I missed three.
I am now on year number threeand what I can tell you is,
since I started being in HisWord daily, my faith has never
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been the same.
I am only saddened for the 25to almost 30 years of my faith
in Jesus where I missed out onthe deep and vibrant faith and
opportunity to go through theBible that many times and to be
with the author of these loveletters to me and to you.
(15:08):
The second change I needed tomake was to eliminate all of the
atheistic content I wasconsuming that was causing me to
pull away and to rather pour incontent that was honoring to
the Lord.
I sought out biblical contenton YouTube and actually even
found debates where Christiansand atheists went head to head,
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which served to edify my faith.
I listened to pastors onYouTube who spoke truth and life
, who pastored me for the nextcouple years.
And, third, I leaned into thatman of God, the one who had
already been there the pastseven years since my brain
surgery.
Beyond that seven yearsactually he was present all
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throughout the times when itseemed no one else was.
He had heard me crying out andeven shouting out in anger to
God.
He was there during the darknight of my soul.
I had shut him out for a timeduring my depression, but he was
the one I turned to and isstill here during this day, even
(16:14):
as I prepare this recording.
He will be coming over to meetin an hour to talk about my
family, my marriage, and he isexcited to hear about how this
podcast is going.
I'm sure he is eager to talkabout the last episode, as I'm
certain he's listened to it.
Everybody needs a mentor who isas present as this man of God
(16:36):
is in my own life.
The last thing I want to discusstoday isn't so much a daily
routine or discipline that Iadded on to deepen my
spirituality, but it wassomething that I had to do in
order to move forward in myfaith and also to be further
transformed for my family as ahusband and a father, and it was
(16:59):
a process that literally took anumber of years and trusting in
the Lord to accomplishliterally took a number of years
and trusting in the Lord toaccomplish.
What I am talking about is thatI had to grieve and to let go
of the man that I was prior tobrain surgery, with all of his
purpose, his gifts, talents, hisministry, his personality, how
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his wife and his kids viewed him, etc.
If you recall, I rememberclearly all of what this was
like, and the most difficultaspect was comparing myself
today with who I was before,comparing the way that I talk,
laugh, smile, argue.
(17:44):
I used to feel so much shamenot being able to provide for my
family and, to be completelyhonest, I still am triggered
with that shame by voices of theenemy here and there.
I am going through therapy tothis day to continue grieving
the man that I once was, so thatI can fully accept the man that
(18:08):
the Lord has called me to betoday for my family, a man that
doesn't have to be super butneeds to be present, faithful to
God, accountable, a man thathas been called to bring hope to
a world that is in need.
Now, my friends, regardless ofwhere you are on your spiritual
(18:31):
journey as it pertains tofollowing Christ, I pray that,
as you are listening, you arenot undergoing mere information
transference, but rather you aresensing the Spirit talking
directly to you Because, friends, in my experience, the Holy
Spirit is deeply personal andwith Him there are no accidents,
(18:52):
incidents, coincidences orinstances where he is not
weaving His redemptive work inyour life.
Rather, as we are joinedtogether right now on a podcast,
as Jesus declared 2,000 yearsago from his hillside sermon, we
have an opportunity to join thekingdom of heaven.
You have reason to havesignificant hope in your life
(19:15):
right now.
Perhaps you are sensing theSpirit moving you toward him
today throughout even thispodcast, and I would be remissed
if we left our time todaywithout providing an opportunity
for us to respond.
And I want to pray for youright now.
So, for anyone listening, Iwant you and your spirit to
either agree with this prayerand lift those up, praying it
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for the first time to the Lordto be blessed and to be drawn to
Him for the first time.
To the Lord to be blessed andto be drawn to him.
Lord Jesus, I sense you drawingme in.
I hear your whispers and yourbeckoning and, though I do not
understand them all, I want toacknowledge you in them.
Now, for some of you, you'venever said yes to Christ.
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This may be what you aresensing and I want to pray with
you right now.
Jesus, I repent of my sins andI surrender my life to you.
Wash me and cleanse me from allunforgiveness and pride that
has blocked me before.
I believe that you are theMessiah and the one true God.
You are the Son of God.
(20:19):
I believe that you died on thecross for the forgiveness of my
sins and you rose again on thethird day for my victory.
I believe that in my heart, andI make confession with my mouth
, that you, jesus, are my Lordand my Savior and that the
kingdom of heaven is both nowand forever.
I want to live my life accordingto your terms and I want you to
(20:41):
change my reliance from myselfand any earthly vessels or vices
in which I have previouslyplaced hope.
Instead, I want to trust yourplan and ask for you to put the
people, the processes and theplans to pursue forgiveness,
restoration and recovery in mylife.
Where I am still feeling brokeninside.
(21:01):
I ask for you to reveal to mewhere I have neglected the needs
of those around me who arebroken, where I have become
indifferent, incapable or havebeen unable to prioritize the
people in my life who need tofeel the hope of Christ.
Make me sensitive and lovingfor their story.
Show me where I am called to bea part of your mission, and I
(21:24):
entrust myself to your equippingand sending, as you will.
Thank you for being a God ofmercy, a God of healing and a
God of truth, a God of hope.
Might I become a beacon of hopeto the hurting.
May I be one who shows andshares eternal life with those
on their way to spiritual death.
(21:44):
Make me your salt.
Help me to be your light.
Show me your ways, lord, giveus the spiritual eyes to see on
earth as it is in heaven.
May our priorities begin toreflect your heart and your
kingdom, for it's in your name,jesus, that we pray these things
.
Amen.
(22:06):
If you have today agreed withthis prayer from the depths of
your heart, I either welcome youto the eternal family of God or
perhaps you felt Jesuscompelling you to return to him.
You have been maybe gone awayfrom the fellowship and
restoration of the Lord and youhear Him calling you back today.
Whether you are new to thefamily or returning, I say
(22:29):
welcome home.
And now I want to encourage youto find a church faith family
who worships the Lordpassionately, is committed to
the teaching and preaching ofthe scriptures and is committed
to serving the community andbeyond.
Also devote yourself to thereading of the scriptures, as
there is so much to grow, learnand be discipled in as it
(22:50):
pertains to new life andmaturity in Christ.
The Lord has so much in the wayof hope to show His children in
His love letters that he haswritten to them Hopeful family.
This has been my absolutepleasure to spend the morning,
afternoon or evening, whichevertime of day it is for you,
growing and learning with you.
(23:12):
I look forward to tuning in nexttime on the Hopeful Perspective
, where we continue discussingmy journey dealing with the TBI
and the lessons that you canpersonally use to draw near
Christ and his kingdom throughit all, and the lessons that you
can personally use to draw nearChrist and his kingdom through
it all.
Until then, I want to thank youfor joining me along this
journey, allowing me to sharefrom my heart today and, if
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you'd be so kind as to follow,subscribe and, most importantly,
rate and write a review for theothers on your podcasting
platform, others who may needthe hopeful perspective in their
life?
And again, did you know thatyou could contribute financially
to our show by pressing oursupport the show link that is
embedded on your platform in theepisode descriptions?
If you believe in what we do, Iwould cherish your prayerful
(23:57):
giving to the cause.
I want to shout out mygratitude to the multiple new
donors who have already madethis commitment to support the
podcast financially.
Without you, it would not bepossible to reach as many people
with the messages we do, oranyone who needs to be reminded
that hope is real.
(24:18):
So thank you so much in advanceand until next time time,
remember you are loved.
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