October 7, 2024 • 23 mins
Ever wondered how the ties you form in childhood shape your adult relationships? Join me, Jason Hopkins, as I unravel the complex web of fear bonds, often known as trauma bonds, that can bind us to patterns of control, codependency, and resentment. By understanding these formative connections, you'll learn to identify unhealthy emotional enmeshment and the ways in which self-worth becomes entangled with relationships. Discover how recognizing these dynamics can pave the way for healthier, love-based interactions that nurture true intimacy, peace, and authenticity.
Sharing my own journey from a challenging upbringing in foster care to finding faith-driven healing, I open up about the transformative power of faith and community. My experiences with trauma bonds illuminate the path from emotional wounds to redemption through trust in God’s plan. This episode is an invitation to seek help, dismantle protective barriers, and embrace genuine connections with others. Whether you are at the beginning or well along in your healing journey, you are encouraged to become a beacon of hope as you dismantle the barriers keeping you from ultimate freedom and fulfillment in your relationships with God and the important people in your life.
Are you inspired by what you hear today? Jason deeply appreciates his listeners taking their time to listening, downloading, and sharing The Hopeful Perspective Podcast. Please help me spread 'hope' to others by writing a review for the podcast making it reachable for all who need to be inspired, encouraged, and changed by hoping once again. Further, understand that downloading the podcast is a surefire way to help increase the algorithm thus the reach of The Hopeful Perspective, even if you delete the episode after listening so as to not affect your data storage. I have also provided a (Support the Show) link DIRECTLY ABOVE THIS PARAGRAPH to click on for those who have shared with me they are "all in" and feel called to financially support the mission and vision of The Hopeful Perspective. A special thank you to those who have made this humble step to financially support the podcast. Without you, there is no US!
Jason Hopkins can also be reached on Facebook as well as Instagram and Threads (jayhop9953). You can also follow 'The Hopeful Perspective' FB page; where you can find more information as well as learn about upcoming news and episodes on the The Hopeful Perspective Podcast.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Welcome to the Hopeful Perspective Podcast.
I am your host, jason Hopkins.
This podcast is designed togive you a perspective of hope
that impacts your daily life inan authentic and tangible way.
I have utilized the first sixepisodes of this podcast to
share my own personal life story, which illustrates God's glory.
(00:20):
Through experiences overcomingchild abuse and trauma, 26
foster homes and institutions,various diagnoses affecting me
throughout my life and aneventual brain tumor resulting
in multiple brain surgeries onmy brainstem, I have moved from
being merely a surviving victimto a faithful and thriving
(00:41):
victor who the Lord hasmotivated to help others
discover hope.
Though my past was full of painand suffering, I have been
restored with purpose andsanctification.
I have been redeemed and calledto follow Christ within that
redemption and renewedperspective, and I now want to
help you, too, to have abiblical and hopeful perspective
(01:01):
as you approach differingsituations in your own life,
from the delightful to thedifficult and everything in
between.
I want to take a moment tothank you for listening and, if
you have done so, taking thetime to download our episodes,
as when you download, along withrating our podcast with an
honest response, you help thealgorithm immensely to spread
(01:22):
our reach.
That said, our statsdemonstrate that, while
thousands listen and stream theHopeful Perspective, less than
10% actually download ourepisodes.
Please consider bridging thisgap.
To help broaden that reach forus, we have also provided a few
options to either contact ourshow with your direct feedback,
(01:42):
as well as to support thepodcast financially.
If you are called to partnerwith us in bringing hope to a
hurting world, just click theembedded links found on any
episode you are downloading onyour podcast platform.
Before we get started today, Iwant to compel you to grab your
favorite snack, hot or coldbeverage.
Get comfortable and come onthis journey with me as we delve
(02:05):
back into our series Jar ofClay and discuss how our
relationships are affected bydiffering kinds of bonds formed
in our youth and how we can berenewed within these bonds.
If you are listening for thefirst time, this series Jar of
Clay is based on the book Livingfrom the Heart Jesus Gave you.
(02:25):
We left off our last timewithin the series, discussing
the varying stages ofdevelopment and maturity and how
this affects our mental,emotional and spiritual
development.
Today, we discuss how thismaturity is built and we will
unpack how maturity isimpossible without forming bonds
between people.
The reciprocity in our bondsshapes our perspective and our
(02:50):
values.
There are two kinds of bondsthat affect our relationships
Fear bonds that energize us toavoid pain and feelings like
rejection, shame and humiliationetc.
And love bonds, which areformed around joy and motivate
people to live in intimacy,peace, truth and authenticity.
(03:10):
These two bonds we experienceduring our formative years,
depending on our upbringing,inevitably shape the way we
relate to one another.
While both can influence humanbehavior and interactions, their
underlying motivations andcharacteristics are markedly
different.
The first bond we will discussthat is formed in our youth is a
(03:31):
fear bond, often referred to asa trauma bond.
Fear bonds formed when we areunable to be protected or when
self-preservation fails duringour formative years.
When fear dominates our earlyrelationships and we feel we
can't escape trauma, then ourmain guidance system is governed
by pain avoidance, even when itis unnecessary.
(03:52):
Fear bonds are driven byfeelings of insecurity, anxiety
or dependency.
They may be formed as a resultof past trauma, fear of
abandonment or low self-esteem.
So how do we know if we tend tolive with fear or trauma bonds?
I'd say when we operate underfear, we live in a perpetual
(04:17):
state of anxiety, of shame,blame-shifting against others or
even blaming ourselves and wecan become emotionally paralyzed
.
Yet there are also a fewcharacteristics that one can
look for in relationships thatare governed by fear bonds or
trauma bonds, and they are theseNumber one control.
(04:40):
Fear bonds often involve a needto control or manipulate other
people in a relationship toalleviate the feelings of
personal insecurity.
Anyone who has been victimizedin abuse situations is,
unfortunately, familiar with howtrauma bonds and fear bonds are
formed between offender andvictim, regardless if the
offender is perpetratingphysical, mental, emotional,
(05:03):
sexual or other kinds of abuse.
The victim learns to concede toother people for their own
protection and futurerelationships, often trumping
their own basic needs to avoidconflict and to remain in
control themselves.
Victims of childhood abuse willspend much of their lives
formulating defense strategiesand coping mechanisms to remain
(05:25):
in their own control ofthemselves.
Outsiders will view thesemechanisms as unhealthy and
destructive and will find suchpeople difficult to bond with,
and this is often the case.
Yet we need to understand thatthese protective mechanisms have
nothing to do with youpersonally and everything to do
(05:46):
with them feeling safe andsecure, even when the methods
appear illogical.
This leads us to the secondcharacteristic, and that is
codependency.
Relationships marked by fearbonds may become overly reliant
on one another, leading tounhealthy emotional enmeshment.
(06:06):
This occurs when one of theparties of the relationship is
incapable of having their basicneeds met through healthy
alternatives, and so they filltheir void through the means of
a relationship.
The relationship becomes theireverything, and the person's own
value is based on therelationship.
Emotional enmeshment orcodependency is a common
(06:27):
expression of a trauma bond, asit can play out in marriages,
parent or kid relationships, etc.
And it can be justified as justmerely expressing love to their
family members.
As a result, people withincodependent relationships with
their spouse or family membersoften have a difficult time
acknowledging or recognizingthis dynamic of their
(06:50):
relationships.
Yet most often, people who haveput their spouse and or their
kid into the role of theireverything have very few, if any
, other, friends or outlets thatthey have healthy relationships
with, and this is often one ofthe diagnostic criteria of their
codependent relationships withtheir spouses or children, etc.
(07:13):
The third characteristic of atrauma bond is resentment.
Fear bonds can lead to feelingsof resentment, anger and
bitterness within relationships.
Often, people who have fear ortrauma bonds develop the defense
mechanism of keeping people atan arm's length, and they do
this with a critical spirit anda sharp tongue.
(07:34):
When we can find the negativein an individual or pinpoint the
issues another person has, wecan write them off and find
excuses to not bring them closerto us.
Then we remain safer.
I utilized anger for many yearsas a defense mechanism that
protected me in foster homeafter foster home, and though I
(07:55):
kept a wall up to keep theharmful people out, I also kept
the safe and loving people awayfrom me as well.
This defense mechanism ensuredthat I was lonely for many years
.
The fourth characteristic offear of trauma bonds is fear of
abandonment.
Individuals within trauma bondsat the very core have a very
(08:18):
deep-seated fear of abandonment,which can drive them to foster
or seek unhealthy relationshipsfrom a young age and carry this
tendency well into theiradulthood.
I have counseled domestic abusesurvivors who have all
attributed their fear ofabandonment as one of the
crucial reasons they remainedwithin their abusive situations.
(08:38):
Of course, as we've discussedearlier, trauma bonds are at the
core of any offender or victimrelationship, and the enemy
exploits this dynamic to keepthe victims imprisoned and
paralyzed.
As you can imagine, thesecharacteristics disable a person
from fulfilling their God-givenpotential.
Those who battle fear or traumabonds often maintain a
(09:01):
destructive pattern withinrelationships until they find
true and authentic freedom orbreakers of their chains.
The second bond we potentiallydevelop in our youth is referred
to as a love bond.
Love bonds are driven byaffection and admiration and are
rooted in a desire forconnection, intimacy and
(09:21):
reciprocated relationship.
Love bonds are built innurturing homes during the
developmental years, when ayoung person's basic needs are
sufficiently met.
The characteristics of a personwho primarily operates within
loving bonds are as follows.
The first is they operate withmutual trust.
Love bonds are built on trustand the belief that the other
(09:43):
person has your best interestsat heart.
This does not mean that whenpeople open themselves up to
being hurt, that they are immuneto pain, just that their
primary function is to trusttheir loved ones and that they
return to joy once they haveexperienced pain or
disappointment at the hands of aloved one.
The second characteristic oflove bonds is that of mutual
(10:05):
respect.
Mutual respect is essential forhealthy love bonds, as it
fosters understanding andappreciation.
A person who respects anotheris able to put another person
above themselves in a healthymanner and move from being
egocentric to other-centric.
We have been called to love Godand to love others, and this,
(10:30):
being a respecter of persons, isa crucial aspect of this
calling.
The third characteristic of alove bond is one of mutual
support.
People operating in a love bondprovide practical support to
one another, and this entailssupporting one another
emotionally, physically,mentally, spiritually, etc.
(10:53):
We read in Romans 12 that, asbelievers, we are to rejoice
with one who rejoices and toweep with one who weeps.
This is a beautiful picture ofwhat it entails to support
someone in a mutuallyreciprocative manner, to provide
support whenever the situationcalls for it.
(11:18):
And the final characteristic ofa love bond is one of mutual
intimacy.
Love bonds are characterized bya sense of closeness that can
only be achieved when theparties in the relationship are
willing to be close.
People in love bonds tend torisk by sharing the most
difficult and the darkest truthsof their lives with their loved
(11:40):
ones, despite how they areportrayed or painted in the
process.
We cannot be intimate in ourrelationships if we are
unwilling to risk or to bevulnerable, and being intimate
is one of the most importantparts of any relationship that
we are to be a part of.
People operating in healthylove bonds foster strong,
(12:03):
reciprocated relationships thatare capable of being challenged
yet still persevere under thatpressure.
When we are motivated by love,we are not controlled by fear,
for, as the word says, perfectlove casts out all fear.
There is an additional primarydifference between trauma bonds
(12:24):
or fear bonds and that of lovebonds, and it has to do with how
they are weaponized.
The enemy of our souls attemptsto utilize fear and trauma in
relationships through the liesthat fear bonds say about us,
and we believe those lies in ourrelationships.
They start when we are younger.
(12:44):
We cannot live or survivewithout anger, anxiety,
self-protection, etc.
We will not make it withoutpushing others away.
As we grow older, we are sorooted in these false belief
systems that they seem to be asignificant part of who we are
until we began to experiencetrue, loving and genuine bonds
(13:07):
that teach us who we really areand what we are genuinely
capable of, that we can surviveby letting others into our world
, into our space, that, even ifwe are wounded, we really won't
die.
The truth is we have a pictureof a love story and a love bond
in the Bible so strong that Godso loved the world that he gave
(13:29):
up his only son so that you andI could inherit eternal life.
He saved us from spiritualdeath.
This is true.
And selfless love.
This is true and selfless love.
Fear bonds and trauma bonds areforms of manipulation and
control, whereas love bonds areunconditional and selfless love.
(13:51):
Jesus loves us withoutcondition, no matter what we do
or what we have ever done.
I want to take a look at a fewother relationships in the
scriptures that demonstratedifferent bonds.
Let's first take a look atAbraham and Isaac.
We see in Genesis 22 thatAbraham so trusted the Lord that
(14:13):
he followed his commands totake Isaac, his one and only son
, up the side of Mount Moriah tosacrifice him.
Yet we also see this story as atestament to the depth of
parental love.
As we know, the love bond thatAbraham had with his son.
Abraham's willingness tosacrifice his son, as commanded
(14:35):
by God, demonstrates theultimate act of love and
obedience with the Lord, and Iknow I can't imagine, as a
father of a son, what it musthave taken for Abraham to face
his fear all the while trustinghis love for Father God even
more.
The next story is that of Ruthand Naomi.
(14:55):
Now, this story is a beautifulexample of friendship and
loyalty.
Ruth's unwavering devotion toher mother-in-law, naomi, is a
symbol of selfless love andunconditional compassion.
This whole story, which Iencourage you to read, is a
beautiful depiction of a lovebond that models authentic
(15:18):
commitment, despite the factthat Ruth did not know what the
future held for her.
Yet she loved her mother-in-lawand she loved her Lord.
And the final story I want us tojust consider is that of Joseph
and his brothers.
This last relationship inscriptures has multiple layers
(15:39):
to it.
Despite being betrayed and soldinto slavery by his brothers,
joseph eventually forgives them.
His love for his familytriumphs over his pain and
resentment.
This narrative is particularlypowerful because we see the
beginning of the story, wheretrauma affects Joseph's life.
Yet Genesis 50-20 depicts whatmust have began as a fear bond
(16:04):
and a trauma bond turning into alove bond where Joseph declares
you intended to harm me, butGod intended it for good, to
accomplish what is now beingdone the saving of many lives.
Doesn't that just sound likeJesus today and the redemption
(16:25):
that he gives us and offers us?
Regardless how our own journeystarted or how the enemy
originally caused havoc in ourown life, jesus can take that
damage and trauma and now useits redemption for the saving of
so many other lives.
After all, that is how and whyyou are listening to this
(16:47):
podcast.
My own story is filled andmarred with trauma bonds
throughout as a result of thechildhood trauma, the ritual
abuse, the abandonment, theneglect, 26 foster homes, the
institutions, etc.
I had no idea how to trustanybody in my life when I first
entered foster care as an angryand broken nine-year-old child
(17:09):
and, as a result, myrelationships were all marred by
trauma bonds and fear bonds.
Jesus and the Holy Spirit hadto do a miraculous work on my
heart and my soul in order forme to come to a place to accept
and receive the help needed,that I could trust the
trustworthy people and to ceaseblocking their help in my life.
(17:31):
Though I had high walls thatwere built to keep the darkness
out, it also kept the light outas well, and as those walls
began to fall, his restorationand his redemptive work began to
take place.
I soon began to realize thatnot all people were looking to
manipulate and to gain an edgeand harm me, that there are
(17:55):
those who are genuinely good,kind and loving and they are
looking to share good, kind andloving acts with me, looking to
share good, kind and loving actswith me, though I was opening
myself to being hurt, and thoughI would indeed get hurt at
(18:15):
times, I learned how to bounceback and to recover from a place
of being victimized to being asurvivor and a victor, as you
hear me often say with pride onthis podcast.
I say this repetitiously due todecades of work that the Lord
has done on restoring this heartof mine, and I know that as I
sit here recording today, thereare many listening in that are
walking through this sameredemptive process at varying
(18:36):
places in your own walk.
Perhaps you are further back inthe process, more towards the
beginning of your journey, whereyou are still learning about
how trauma and pain has affectedthe bonds and the relationships
in your life and you nowrecognize that you need to seek
outside help of your own.
Or maybe you're further along,like I am, where you are now in
(19:00):
the role of a helper operatingin your calling, where the Lord
has taken what the enemy hadintended for destruction and
instead is now using you for thesaving of many other lives.
Regardless of where you are onthe journey, you are listening
today by design and by God'splan, and that, friends, is no
(19:20):
mistake.
I pray that as you arelistening, you are not just
undergoing informationtransference, but rather you are
sensing the Spirit talkingdirectly to you Because, friends
, in my experience the HolySpirit is deeply personal and
with Him there are no accidents,incidents, coincidences or
(19:41):
instances where he is notweaving His redemptive work
within your life.
Perhaps you are sensing theSpirit moving you toward him and
I would be remiss if we leftour time today without providing
an opportunity for us torespond.
And I want to pray and pray foranybody listening right now.
(20:01):
So all of you listening eitheragree with this prayer or join
me in lifting those up inintercession as we go on.
Lord Jesus, I repent of my sinsand I surrender my life to you
right now.
Wash me and cleanse me from allunforgiveness and all pride.
I believe that you are the Sonof God, that you died on the
(20:24):
cross for the forgiveness of mysins and that you rose again on
the third day for my victory.
I believe that in my heart, andI make confession with my mouth
that you, jesus, are my Lordand my Savior and that your
kingdom is forever.
I want to live my lifeaccording to your terms and I
want you to change my reliancefor myself and any other earthly
(20:47):
vessels that I have placed myhope and instead I want to trust
your plan and I ask you to putthe people, the processes, the
models, and I want to pursue therestoration that is needed in
my life.
I ask for you to reveal to mewhere I have neglected the needs
of those who are broken aroundme, where I have become
(21:07):
indifferent, incapable or I havebeen unable to prioritize those
that need to feel the hope ofChrist.
Show me where I am called, lord, and I trust you are equipping
those areas.
Thank you for being a God ofmercy, a God of healing and a
God of truth, a God of hope.
Might I become a beacon of hopeto the hurting.
(21:29):
May I be the one who shows andshares eternal life to those on
their way to spiritual death.
Show me your ways, lord.
Give us the spiritual eyes tosee on earth as it is in heaven,
and may our priorities begin toreflect your heart and your
kingdom.
Heaven, and may our prioritiesbegin to reflect your heart and
your kingdom.
It's in your name, jesus ofNazareth, that I pray Amen.
(21:55):
If you have today agreed withthis prayer from the depths of
your heart, I want to eitherwelcome you to the eternal
family of God or I want tocommend you in your return to
the faith.
I want to encourage you to finda church faith family who
worships the Lord passionatelyand is committed to the teaching
and the preaching of thescriptures, and one that is
committed to serving thecommunity and beyond.
(22:15):
Also, devote yourself to thereading of the scriptures, as
there is so much to grow, tolearn and to be discipled in as
it pertains to new life andmaturity in Christ.
The Lord has so much in the wayof hope to show His children in
His love letters that he haswritten to them.
And Hopeful family.
(22:36):
This has been my pleasure inspending the morning, the
afternoon, the evening orwhatever time of day.
It is growing and learning withyou and I already look forward
to tuning in next time on thehopeful perspective podcast.
But until then, I want to thankyou for joining me along this
journey today, allowing me toshare from my heart and, if
(22:57):
you'd be so kind to follow,subscribe and, most importantly,
to rate and write a review forothers on your platform who may
need the hopeful perspective intheir life.
Did you know that you can alsocontribute monetarily by
pressing our support the showlink that is embedded on your
platform in the episodedescriptions.
If you believe in what we do, Iwould cherish your prayers as
(23:22):
well as considering giving toour cause.
I want to shout out mygratitude to the donors we have
who have made this commitment tosupport the podcast financially
.
Without you, it would not bepossible to reach as many people
with the messages we do oranyone who needs to be reminded
that hope is real.
So thank you so much in advanceand until next time, remember
(23:48):
you are loved.
Welcome to the Hopeful Perspective Podcast.
I am your host, jason Hopkins.
This podcast is designed togive you a perspective of hope
that impacts your daily life inan authentic and tangible way.
I have utilized the first sixepisodes of this podcast to
share my own personal life story, which illustrates God's glory.
(00:20):
Through experiences overcomingchild abuse and trauma, 26
foster homes and institutions,various diagnoses affecting me
throughout my life and aneventual brain tumor resulting
in multiple brain surgeries onmy brainstem, I have moved from
being merely a surviving victimto a faithful and thriving
(00:41):
victor who the Lord hasmotivated to help others
discover hope.
Though my past was full of painand suffering, I have been
restored with purpose andsanctification.
I have been redeemed and calledto follow Christ within that
redemption and renewedperspective, and I now want to
help you, too, to have abiblical and hopeful perspective
(01:01):
as you approach differingsituations in your own life,
from the delightful to thedifficult and everything in
between.
I want to take a moment tothank you for listening and, if
you have done so, taking thetime to download our episodes,
as when you download, along withrating our podcast with an
honest response, you help thealgorithm immensely to spread
(01:22):
our reach.
That said, our statsdemonstrate that, while
thousands listen and stream theHopeful Perspective, less than
10% actually download ourepisodes.
Please consider bridging thisgap.
To help broaden that reach forus, we have also provided a few
options to either contact ourshow with your direct feedback,
(01:42):
as well as to support thepodcast financially.
If you are called to partnerwith us in bringing hope to a
hurting world, just click theembedded links found on any
episode you are downloading onyour podcast platform.
Before we get started today, Iwant to compel you to grab your
favorite snack, hot or coldbeverage.
Get comfortable and come onthis journey with me as we delve
(02:05):
back into our series Jar ofClay and discuss how our
relationships are affected bydiffering kinds of bonds formed
in our youth and how we can berenewed within these bonds.
If you are listening for thefirst time, this series Jar of
Clay is based on the book Livingfrom the Heart Jesus Gave you.
(02:25):
We left off our last timewithin the series, discussing
the varying stages ofdevelopment and maturity and how
this affects our mental,emotional and spiritual
development.
Today, we discuss how thismaturity is built and we will
unpack how maturity isimpossible without forming bonds
between people.
The reciprocity in our bondsshapes our perspective and our
(02:50):
values.
There are two kinds of bondsthat affect our relationships
Fear bonds that energize us toavoid pain and feelings like
rejection, shame and humiliationetc.
And love bonds, which areformed around joy and motivate
people to live in intimacy,peace, truth and authenticity.
(03:10):
These two bonds we experienceduring our formative years,
depending on our upbringing,inevitably shape the way we
relate to one another.
While both can influence humanbehavior and interactions, their
underlying motivations andcharacteristics are markedly
different.
The first bond we will discussthat is formed in our youth is a
(03:31):
fear bond, often referred to asa trauma bond.
Fear bonds formed when we areunable to be protected or when
self-preservation fails duringour formative years.
When fear dominates our earlyrelationships and we feel we
can't escape trauma, then ourmain guidance system is governed
by pain avoidance, even when itis unnecessary.
(03:52):
Fear bonds are driven byfeelings of insecurity, anxiety
or dependency.
They may be formed as a resultof past trauma, fear of
abandonment or low self-esteem.
So how do we know if we tend tolive with fear or trauma bonds?
I'd say when we operate underfear, we live in a perpetual
(04:17):
state of anxiety, of shame,blame-shifting against others or
even blaming ourselves and wecan become emotionally paralyzed
.
Yet there are also a fewcharacteristics that one can
look for in relationships thatare governed by fear bonds or
trauma bonds, and they are theseNumber one control.
(04:40):
Fear bonds often involve a needto control or manipulate other
people in a relationship toalleviate the feelings of
personal insecurity.
Anyone who has been victimizedin abuse situations is,
unfortunately, familiar with howtrauma bonds and fear bonds are
formed between offender andvictim, regardless if the
offender is perpetratingphysical, mental, emotional,
(05:03):
sexual or other kinds of abuse.
The victim learns to concede toother people for their own
protection and futurerelationships, often trumping
their own basic needs to avoidconflict and to remain in
control themselves.
Victims of childhood abuse willspend much of their lives
formulating defense strategiesand coping mechanisms to remain
(05:25):
in their own control ofthemselves.
Outsiders will view thesemechanisms as unhealthy and
destructive and will find suchpeople difficult to bond with,
and this is often the case.
Yet we need to understand thatthese protective mechanisms have
nothing to do with youpersonally and everything to do
(05:46):
with them feeling safe andsecure, even when the methods
appear illogical.
This leads us to the secondcharacteristic, and that is
codependency.
Relationships marked by fearbonds may become overly reliant
on one another, leading tounhealthy emotional enmeshment.
(06:06):
This occurs when one of theparties of the relationship is
incapable of having their basicneeds met through healthy
alternatives, and so they filltheir void through the means of
a relationship.
The relationship becomes theireverything, and the person's own
value is based on therelationship.
Emotional enmeshment orcodependency is a common
(06:27):
expression of a trauma bond, asit can play out in marriages,
parent or kid relationships, etc.
And it can be justified as justmerely expressing love to their
family members.
As a result, people withincodependent relationships with
their spouse or family membersoften have a difficult time
acknowledging or recognizingthis dynamic of their
(06:50):
relationships.
Yet most often, people who haveput their spouse and or their
kid into the role of theireverything have very few, if any
, other, friends or outlets thatthey have healthy relationships
with, and this is often one ofthe diagnostic criteria of their
codependent relationships withtheir spouses or children, etc.
(07:13):
The third characteristic of atrauma bond is resentment.
Fear bonds can lead to feelingsof resentment, anger and
bitterness within relationships.
Often, people who have fear ortrauma bonds develop the defense
mechanism of keeping people atan arm's length, and they do
this with a critical spirit anda sharp tongue.
(07:34):
When we can find the negativein an individual or pinpoint the
issues another person has, wecan write them off and find
excuses to not bring them closerto us.
Then we remain safer.
I utilized anger for many yearsas a defense mechanism that
protected me in foster homeafter foster home, and though I
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kept a wall up to keep theharmful people out, I also kept
the safe and loving people awayfrom me as well.
This defense mechanism ensuredthat I was lonely for many years
.
The fourth characteristic offear of trauma bonds is fear of
abandonment.
Individuals within trauma bondsat the very core have a very
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deep-seated fear of abandonment,which can drive them to foster
or seek unhealthy relationshipsfrom a young age and carry this
tendency well into theiradulthood.
I have counseled domestic abusesurvivors who have all
attributed their fear ofabandonment as one of the
crucial reasons they remainedwithin their abusive situations.
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Of course, as we've discussedearlier, trauma bonds are at the
core of any offender or victimrelationship, and the enemy
exploits this dynamic to keepthe victims imprisoned and
paralyzed.
As you can imagine, thesecharacteristics disable a person
from fulfilling their God-givenpotential.
Those who battle fear or traumabonds often maintain a
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destructive pattern withinrelationships until they find
true and authentic freedom orbreakers of their chains.
The second bond we potentiallydevelop in our youth is referred
to as a love bond.
Love bonds are driven byaffection and admiration and are
rooted in a desire forconnection, intimacy and
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reciprocated relationship.
Love bonds are built innurturing homes during the
developmental years, when ayoung person's basic needs are
sufficiently met.
The characteristics of a personwho primarily operates within
loving bonds are as follows.
The first is they operate withmutual trust.
Love bonds are built on trustand the belief that the other
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person has your best interestsat heart.
This does not mean that whenpeople open themselves up to
being hurt, that they are immuneto pain, just that their
primary function is to trusttheir loved ones and that they
return to joy once they haveexperienced pain or
disappointment at the hands of aloved one.
The second characteristic oflove bonds is that of mutual
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respect.
Mutual respect is essential forhealthy love bonds, as it
fosters understanding andappreciation.
A person who respects anotheris able to put another person
above themselves in a healthymanner and move from being
egocentric to other-centric.
We have been called to love Godand to love others, and this,
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being a respecter of persons, isa crucial aspect of this
calling.
The third characteristic of alove bond is one of mutual
support.
People operating in a love bondprovide practical support to
one another, and this entailssupporting one another
emotionally, physically,mentally, spiritually, etc.
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We read in Romans 12 that, asbelievers, we are to rejoice
with one who rejoices and toweep with one who weeps.
This is a beautiful picture ofwhat it entails to support
someone in a mutuallyreciprocative manner, to provide
support whenever the situationcalls for it.
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And the final characteristic ofa love bond is one of mutual
intimacy.
Love bonds are characterized bya sense of closeness that can
only be achieved when theparties in the relationship are
willing to be close.
People in love bonds tend torisk by sharing the most
difficult and the darkest truthsof their lives with their loved
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ones, despite how they areportrayed or painted in the
process.
We cannot be intimate in ourrelationships if we are
unwilling to risk or to bevulnerable, and being intimate
is one of the most importantparts of any relationship that
we are to be a part of.
People operating in healthylove bonds foster strong,
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reciprocated relationships thatare capable of being challenged
yet still persevere under thatpressure.
When we are motivated by love,we are not controlled by fear,
for, as the word says, perfectlove casts out all fear.
There is an additional primarydifference between trauma bonds
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or fear bonds and that of lovebonds, and it has to do with how
they are weaponized.
The enemy of our souls attemptsto utilize fear and trauma in
relationships through the liesthat fear bonds say about us,
and we believe those lies in ourrelationships.
They start when we are younger.
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We cannot live or survivewithout anger, anxiety,
self-protection, etc.
We will not make it withoutpushing others away.
As we grow older, we are sorooted in these false belief
systems that they seem to be asignificant part of who we are
until we began to experiencetrue, loving and genuine bonds
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that teach us who we really areand what we are genuinely
capable of, that we can surviveby letting others into our world
, into our space, that, even ifwe are wounded, we really won't
die.
The truth is we have a pictureof a love story and a love bond
in the Bible so strong that Godso loved the world that he gave
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up his only son so that you andI could inherit eternal life.
He saved us from spiritualdeath.
This is true.
And selfless love.
This is true and selfless love.
Fear bonds and trauma bonds areforms of manipulation and
control, whereas love bonds areunconditional and selfless love.
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Jesus loves us withoutcondition, no matter what we do
or what we have ever done.
I want to take a look at a fewother relationships in the
scriptures that demonstratedifferent bonds.
Let's first take a look atAbraham and Isaac.
We see in Genesis 22 thatAbraham so trusted the Lord that
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he followed his commands totake Isaac, his one and only son
, up the side of Mount Moriah tosacrifice him.
Yet we also see this story as atestament to the depth of
parental love.
As we know, the love bond thatAbraham had with his son.
Abraham's willingness tosacrifice his son, as commanded
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by God, demonstrates theultimate act of love and
obedience with the Lord, and Iknow I can't imagine, as a
father of a son, what it musthave taken for Abraham to face
his fear all the while trustinghis love for Father God even
more.
The next story is that of Ruthand Naomi.
(14:55):
Now, this story is a beautifulexample of friendship and
loyalty.
Ruth's unwavering devotion toher mother-in-law, naomi, is a
symbol of selfless love andunconditional compassion.
This whole story, which Iencourage you to read, is a
beautiful depiction of a lovebond that models authentic
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commitment, despite the factthat Ruth did not know what the
future held for her.
Yet she loved her mother-in-lawand she loved her Lord.
And the final story I want us tojust consider is that of Joseph
and his brothers.
This last relationship inscriptures has multiple layers
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to it.
Despite being betrayed and soldinto slavery by his brothers,
joseph eventually forgives them.
His love for his familytriumphs over his pain and
resentment.
This narrative is particularlypowerful because we see the
beginning of the story, wheretrauma affects Joseph's life.
Yet Genesis 50-20 depicts whatmust have began as a fear bond
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and a trauma bond turning into alove bond where Joseph declares
you intended to harm me, butGod intended it for good, to
accomplish what is now beingdone the saving of many lives.
Doesn't that just sound likeJesus today and the redemption
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that he gives us and offers us?
Regardless how our own journeystarted or how the enemy
originally caused havoc in ourown life, jesus can take that
damage and trauma and now useits redemption for the saving of
so many other lives.
After all, that is how and whyyou are listening to this
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podcast.
My own story is filled andmarred with trauma bonds
throughout as a result of thechildhood trauma, the ritual
abuse, the abandonment, theneglect, 26 foster homes, the
institutions, etc.
I had no idea how to trustanybody in my life when I first
entered foster care as an angryand broken nine-year-old child
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and, as a result, myrelationships were all marred by
trauma bonds and fear bonds.
Jesus and the Holy Spirit hadto do a miraculous work on my
heart and my soul in order forme to come to a place to accept
and receive the help needed,that I could trust the
trustworthy people and to ceaseblocking their help in my life.
(17:31):
Though I had high walls thatwere built to keep the darkness
out, it also kept the light outas well, and as those walls
began to fall, his restorationand his redemptive work began to
take place.
I soon began to realize thatnot all people were looking to
manipulate and to gain an edgeand harm me, that there are
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those who are genuinely good,kind and loving and they are
looking to share good, kind andloving acts with me, looking to
share good, kind and loving actswith me, though I was opening
myself to being hurt, and thoughI would indeed get hurt at
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times, I learned how to bounceback and to recover from a place
of being victimized to being asurvivor and a victor, as you
hear me often say with pride onthis podcast.
I say this repetitiously due todecades of work that the Lord
has done on restoring this heartof mine, and I know that as I
sit here recording today, thereare many listening in that are
walking through this sameredemptive process at varying
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places in your own walk.
Perhaps you are further back inthe process, more towards the
beginning of your journey, whereyou are still learning about
how trauma and pain has affectedthe bonds and the relationships
in your life and you nowrecognize that you need to seek
outside help of your own.
Or maybe you're further along,like I am, where you are now in
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the role of a helper operatingin your calling, where the Lord
has taken what the enemy hadintended for destruction and
instead is now using you for thesaving of many other lives.
Regardless of where you are onthe journey, you are listening
today by design and by God'splan, and that, friends, is no
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mistake.
I pray that as you arelistening, you are not just
undergoing informationtransference, but rather you are
sensing the Spirit talkingdirectly to you Because, friends
, in my experience the HolySpirit is deeply personal and
with Him there are no accidents,incidents, coincidences or
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instances where he is notweaving His redemptive work
within your life.
Perhaps you are sensing theSpirit moving you toward him and
I would be remiss if we leftour time today without providing
an opportunity for us torespond.
And I want to pray and pray foranybody listening right now.
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So all of you listening eitheragree with this prayer or join
me in lifting those up inintercession as we go on.
Lord Jesus, I repent of my sinsand I surrender my life to you
right now.
Wash me and cleanse me from allunforgiveness and all pride.
I believe that you are the Sonof God, that you died on the
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cross for the forgiveness of mysins and that you rose again on
the third day for my victory.
I believe that in my heart, andI make confession with my mouth
that you, jesus, are my Lordand my Savior and that your
kingdom is forever.
I want to live my lifeaccording to your terms and I
want you to change my reliancefor myself and any other earthly
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vessels that I have placed myhope and instead I want to trust
your plan and I ask you to putthe people, the processes, the
models, and I want to pursue therestoration that is needed in
my life.
I ask for you to reveal to mewhere I have neglected the needs
of those who are broken aroundme, where I have become
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indifferent, incapable or I havebeen unable to prioritize those
that need to feel the hope ofChrist.
Show me where I am called, lord, and I trust you are equipping
those areas.
Thank you for being a God ofmercy, a God of healing and a
God of truth, a God of hope.
Might I become a beacon of hopeto the hurting.
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May I be the one who shows andshares eternal life to those on
their way to spiritual death.
Show me your ways, lord.
Give us the spiritual eyes tosee on earth as it is in heaven,
and may our priorities begin toreflect your heart and your
kingdom.
Heaven, and may our prioritiesbegin to reflect your heart and
your kingdom.
It's in your name, jesus ofNazareth, that I pray Amen.
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If you have today agreed withthis prayer from the depths of
your heart, I want to eitherwelcome you to the eternal
family of God or I want tocommend you in your return to
the faith.
I want to encourage you to finda church faith family who
worships the Lord passionatelyand is committed to the teaching
and the preaching of thescriptures, and one that is
committed to serving thecommunity and beyond.
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Also, devote yourself to thereading of the scriptures, as
there is so much to grow, tolearn and to be discipled in as
it pertains to new life andmaturity in Christ.
The Lord has so much in the wayof hope to show His children in
His love letters that he haswritten to them.
And Hopeful family.
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This has been my pleasure inspending the morning, the
afternoon, the evening orwhatever time of day.
It is growing and learning withyou and I already look forward
to tuning in next time on thehopeful perspective podcast.
But until then, I want to thankyou for joining me along this
journey today, allowing me toshare from my heart and, if
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you'd be so kind to follow,subscribe and, most importantly,
to rate and write a review forothers on your platform who may
need the hopeful perspective intheir life.
Did you know that you can alsocontribute monetarily by
pressing our support the showlink that is embedded on your
platform in the episodedescriptions.
If you believe in what we do, Iwould cherish your prayers as
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well as considering giving toour cause.
I want to shout out mygratitude to the donors we have
who have made this commitment tosupport the podcast financially
.
Without you, it would not bepossible to reach as many people
with the messages we do oranyone who needs to be reminded
that hope is real.
So thank you so much in advanceand until next time, remember
(23:48):
you are loved.
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