The Horror Virgin

“I would stay in a dumpster overnight with you.”

This week’s all-too-real horror movie is The Purge: Anarchy. This film has everything: Dumpster survival strategies, rich psychos in cocktail attire, and a Frank Castle stand-in that just can't shake these "hangers on." If you love movies that sound like they were written by the lyrics to a Rage Against The Machine song, this episode’s for you.

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“If your daughter’s in a drawer, it’s too late.”

This week’s horniest horror movie is… Silent Hill. This film has everything: A giant sexy demon that just can't wait to rip everything off you. A cop whose clearly not dressed for the day she's having. And a mom thats just asking if we could tell her how to get, how to get to Silent Hill. If you love horny cosplay, questionable law enforcement fashion, and children’s theme so...

"It's only car chase I can describe as dialogue-heavy."

This week’s scariest movie is... Death Proof. This film has everything: A scar that somehow makes it hotter that he’s murdering you, foot close-ups, and a theory that will have kit marlowe scratching Shakespeare's head. If you love Snake Plissken thirst, feet you didn’t consent to seeing, and the cursed brilliance of #Sorkentino, this episode’s for you!

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"Is this just Fight Club in the 80s?"

This week’s most unhinged highway horror is The Hitcher (1986). This film has everything: Gas station explosions, Tyler Durden cosplay, and a Swedish-American shoulder-width that brings all the Pages to the yard. If you love shoulder theories, not know if Rutger Hauer wants to kill or fuck you, and cops doing the absolute least, this episode’s for you!

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"Have you never had a boba pee?"

This week’s scariest road trip movie is... Wrong Turn 2: Dead End. This film has everything: A reality show where the prize is dying first. A muscle-bound host with drill sergeant energy who shoves dynamite in a dude’s overalls just to watch him pop. And a final girl redemption arc so meaty, you’ll swear this movie was funded by NAMI. If you love chainsaws, carnivore propaganda, and Papa R...

This week’s scariest movie is... Friday the 13th (2009).

This film has everything: an underground tunnel empire straight out of Gummy Bears, using a machete to hack away at a public library keyboard, and a burial comparison you will not see coming.

If you love quick tunnels, blunt trauma, and silent killers typing with bladed weapons, this episode’s for you!

What did you all think of our episode on Friday the 13th (2009)?

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“It’s an R&B Blade.”

This week’s coolest horror movie is... Sinners. This film has everything: A team up so legend Nick Fury would be jealous, Uncles reminding the nephew to eat, and both Michael A, and B Jordan's doing their best to protect their culture. If you love demon-slaying jazz clubs, delightful doormen named after bread, and learning that the clitoris is not in the glovebox, this episode’s for you!

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“The monkey is basically Tommy Lee, and I'm sick of pretending not to notice.”

This week’s most unhinged horror movie is... The Monkey. This film has everything: An electric detonation, A stripper face reveal that will blow your mind, and a haunted toy chimp that was just following orders. If you love flamethrower pawn shops, placenta-fueled twin rage, and Planet of the Apes energy with zero restraint, this episode’s for yo...

“He's made of knife.”

This week’s slimiest horror movie is... Terminator 2: Judgment Day. This film has everything: a corrupted Windows version of Gollum, a reality where John Connor skips leading the resistance and just lives his best life frothing lattes at a Glendale café, and a robot so anatomically gifted he can slice a sandwich with his knife-dick like he’s the deli manager at Skynet Whole Foods. If you love liquid m...

"Psytopics is like R&B Dianetics."

This week’s most unapologetically anti-fascist horror movie is... Freaky Tales. This film has everything: A Scott Pilgrim-style street brawl between punks and Nazis, a soft-spoken supervillain who can make a lisp sound menacing, and Sleepy Floyd, a samurai warrior who dunks on racists AND slices them in half. If you love magical realism, anarchist justice, and movies that ask, “What if...

“You have the right to remain charming. Anything you say can and will be used to make me blush.”

This week’s most romantically unhinged horror movie is... Heart Eyes. This film has everything: A vineyard that produces a very bloody red, A killer throuple, And a masked maniac who forces a DTR mid-murder. If you love rom-com tropes, blood-soaked meet-cutes, and horror villains who demand emotional clarity, this episode’s for ...

“Clyde is like child Hitler.”

This week’s most unhinged horror movie is… Pet Sematary 2. This film has everything: A stepdad who swings between “respect your mother” and “shoot the family dog” energy, a cat lover who will go full Liam Neeson on anyone who touches her pet, and Anthony Edwards navigating a love scene that takes a hard left into beastial nightmare territory. If you love dead pets, unhinged dads, and movies tha...

"It's like watching a commercial for the board game Mouse Trap."

This week’s craziest horror movie is… Final Destination 3. This film has everything: a Rube Goldberg Grim Reaper, the strangest public transportation premonition to date, and the best porn name outside of porn ever... Full Stop. If you love improbable physics, theme parks with anatomically correct devil statues, and a franchise that leans in to elaborate kills...

"She got hit so hard with a volleyball, she got sent into the ghost realm."

This week’s most unhinged horror movie is... Hello Mary Lou: Prom Night 2.

This film has everything: A Pandora’s box hidden in a room full of capes, The most haunted art class ever, And a ghost kiss so terrible, it blows up her headstone. If you love chaotic prom energy, haunted horses, and movies that answer the question “who packed this much evil i...

"You can't breathe through your butthole."

This week’s scariest horror movie is... A Quiet Place Part II. This film has everything: A baby in a Moses basket with a scuba mask, Emily Blunt flooding yet another basement like it’s her post-apocalyptic hobby, And a pirate radio station broadcasting nothing but Bobby Darin. If you love soundproof babies, damp trauma, and end-of-the-world DJs with a flair for the dramatic, this e...

"Tell me more about the time you used the dildo medicinally.”

This week’s scariest movie is... Smile 2. This movie has everything: A Flatliners-style shock therapy plan that says “trauma, but make it crispy,” proof that Voss Water that might actually be a sinister organization, And a setup for Smile 3 where a stadium full of cursed teenage girls starts the smilepocalypse. If you love movies that fake you out with Pizza...

"If your husband comes back from the woods with a virus, just pack a bag and go."

This week’s slimiest horror movie is... Slither. This film has everything: a man so nice they infected him twice, A small-town countdown to deer season, and a "Backter" reveal that will blow your mind. If you love parasitic slugs, small-town chaos, and family values warped by alien hive minds, this episode’s for you!

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"If you want it to be less formal, you’re gonna have to take off the fucks-edo."

This weeks scariest movie is... Night of the Comet. This movie has everything. A retail uprising led by Stockboy Willie, the patron saint of mall trauma, Survivors who were clearly chosen by Zordon for their teenage attitude and excellent hair, and a sexy comet that turns everyone into glittery Himalayan sea salt. If you love post-apocalyptic m...

"What if we turn on the death machine that gives us boners?"

This week’s horniest horror movie is... From Beyond. This film has everything: a scientist who accidentally builds a machine that unlocks the horny dimension, a sentient nut sack villain with a brain-dick, and Ken Foree fighting interdimensional monsters… in nothing but a Speedo. If you love cosmic horror, body horror, and movies that make you say, "Wait, doe...