Episode Transcript
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Elizabeth (00:05):
Hey, hey, hey,
everyone.
Welcome back to another episodeof the in between podcast.
And I have such a special guestfor you all today.
You may remember a few monthsback.
I had the state introvertedpodcast hosts on the pod.
I know you do because I got lotsof great feedback from that.
Well, I have Steph Laffeyotherwise known as Steph Lafey
(00:25):
on the podcast today.
Uh, yes.
She's not joined by her partner,but that's also because she
hosts two other podcasts.
So yes, that is three in total.
I can't wait to find out howshe, how she manages that
mentally.
I just want to say, but any who,uh, Steph, you are somebody I
met on the internet and we'vebecome fast friends and I love
it.
So welcome to the in betweenagain.
(00:47):
And, uh, yeah.
This is Steph LaFay.
Steph (00:52):
It's an honor to be
invited back.
Thank you for having me again.
I'm so excited for aconversation.
Elizabeth (00:58):
I know.
I feel like not like so much hashappened since we last spoke,
but let's see, you turned 30,right?
You had your 30th birthday andthen, uh, welcome to the 30
club.
Honestly, it's a little bitbetter in my opinion than my
twenties because I know who Iam.
You know, like I'm moreconfident in who I am as a
person and like, I'm not likecomparing myself to everyone at
(01:21):
like I was kind of thing.
So it's great.
But then you also launched yourtwo other podcasts.
So you were already the host ofstay introverted, but then you
launched the Hey Bestie withyour best friend, right?
Steph (01:34):
Um, so my best, my online
bestie,
Elizabeth (01:36):
Online bestie.
Yes, yes, yes, yes.
and then the human AF, uh,podcasts, which that kind of
dives more into like the deeperlife things, kind of like the
stuff that we talk about, likewe did on, on our episodes
together.
So you've been busy girl.
Steph (01:51):
I have been busy, but you
know what's crazy is I don't
feel as anxious as I did when Iwas in my 20s.
It's like, I just feel like lifeis just, it's all coming
together.
It's all making sense.
Like all the pieces are clickingand I feel less anxious, less
stressed, less overwhelmed.
(02:12):
Like more like myself.
Elizabeth (02:15):
Love
Steph (02:15):
weird.
I'm like
Elizabeth (02:17):
It's very weird to be
happy.
Steph (02:19):
No, it's, I mean, I love
it.
I love this for me.
I hope it lasts.
I don't know if it will.
Life has a way of like, youknow, throwing me, in chaos
whenever I get used to it.
Um, but, I don't know.
I just feel like I'm just, Ihave a lot going on.
But also, I feel like I somehowhave less going on than most
(02:40):
people see on the outside.
If that makes sense.
Elizabeth (02:43):
No, I, I understand
that.
So you just kind of felt likeoverall, once you turn 30,
something was in the air, likeyou just kind of felt a
different level of, I don'tknow, maybe confidence, but just
like, I don't know, generaljudge of yourself, I guess.
Steph (02:58):
it was almost, the
anticipation of turning 30 was
freaking me out.
Like, I was like, oh my god, I'mgonna be 30 and now I have to
like, know all these things anddo all these things.
And then I turned 30 and Ididn't know anything else and I
was fine.
I didn't die.
Yeah.
Elizabeth (03:20):
So I mean, I'm going
to be 70 learning like new
things like, Oh, that's how youopen up a savings account.
No, I'm just kidding.
Just kidding.
Steph (03:27):
You know what?
I agree and I'm not kidding.
I will be 70 trying to figurethat out.
Elizabeth (03:33):
You know, maybe by
the time I'm 73, I would have
opened up a Roth IRA and I'msure all my finance people
listening are cringing so hardright now, but, uh, sorry about
it.
I have lots of strengths, butthat's not one of them.
Steph (03:44):
Yeah.
Me too, girl.
Elizabeth (03:47):
Oh gosh, well the
first thing I want to talk about
is how in the heck do you managethree podcasts as a host and
work a full time job andseemingly keep your, your shit
together?
Steph (04:02):
So, well, thank you.
So, that is a really goodquestion.
It's a question that I've had tothink about a lot because I get
that question a lot.
Um, cause people are like, areyou insane?
I'm like, yes.
Um, but also, I think it'sbecause I have a co host for
each one.
Elizabeth (04:21):
Ah, I could see
Steph (04:21):
And, we all have sort of
learned our strengths and
weaknesses when it comes to thepodcast.
For me, like, I have figured outthat my strengths are all the
behind the scenes stuff.
Elizabeth (04:34):
Got it.
Steph (04:35):
like, my co hosts do all
the front facing stuff, so,
like, the marketing andpromotion of it, and the social
media side, where I do, like,the outreach, the scheduling,
like, the building relationshipside.
And because those are mystrengths, and I get to lean
into them, it doesn't take methat long.
Elizabeth (04:57):
Right.
Steph (04:58):
And, yeah, like, same
with them.
I'm like, When we were trying toall do the things that, like,
weren't in our, in our strengthbox.
I don't know if that's theright,
Elizabeth (05:08):
I like it.
Strength box.
Steph (05:10):
Yeah, when we, when we
weren't doing our strength box,
we were, like, all struggling.
Because, like, so, for example,I was doing social media for
Stay Introverted.
I hate, like, people don'trealize, I actually don't like
being on social media.
I just like the connections thatI've made.
So, like, like, Jay is reallygood at pumping out reels, for
(05:35):
example, and Jay is my co hoston the Staged Reader podcast so
for him, like, pumping out 5, 6,7 clips takes 45 minutes,
whereas for me, it takes me likean hour to make one.
Like, I just, I don't have that,like, ability.
But for him, listening to theepisode and Figuring out the
clip times and the show notes isreally difficult.
(06:00):
But that's easy for me.
Elizabeth (06:01):
Got it.
Steph (06:02):
So, once we like,
switched our roles, it was like,
it just all made sense.
And now, I would say, I was justtelling somebody today, cause
they were asking about like, howto start a podcast.
Um, I was telling them it reallyonly takes for all three
podcasts, maybe, I don't know,10 hours total a week, max?
Elizabeth (06:24):
Dang.
That is about what I do bymyself, but I'm by myself doing
everything.
So, but but that's, uh, that'sreally impressive.
And I just want to call out thatis like, not just impressive,
but you.
You didn't bring on the othertwo podcasts until you had a
better like I guess likemanagement of, all right, let's,
(06:45):
let's rick a rick a rewind here,Jay.
I think maybe we could flip,flip switch, and then like,
because of that, you're able totake on more responsibility,
push out more content, do morethings that fulfill your heart,
your soul, whatever, your, yourenergy, and not get burned out.
So that's super impressive.
Steph (07:01):
so I have to stop you
right there because I can't take
credit where credit is not due.
I started the other two podcastsbefore I figured out that I was
not doing things effectively andthen I was like, I did hit a
wall and I was like,
Elizabeth (07:16):
Then you crash and
burned.
Steph (07:18):
Yeah, this is not
working.
we need to rewind and like,figure out our roles here.
So I definitely, it was not likethis, like, six weeks ago.
But like, I had to hit that walland be like, this is not the
most effective way to runthings.
Like, let's do a littleswitcheroo.
Elizabeth (07:36):
but that's also
really, really impressive to
say, because then what you didwas you hit burnout and instead
of just like spiraling andinternalizing it, and maybe you
did a little bit, I don't wantto assume, but you were like,
okay, let's pivot.
And you know, what's so funny isI feel like here recently, like
the past several weeks, Pivotinghas been like a strong theme in
all my episodes and I don't evenmean for that.
(07:57):
It just keeps happening.
It's like pivoting and then thepower of starting and you are a
great example of, yep, I juststarted.
I brought on the other two andthen I realized, oh shit, crap,
you know, I am.
Steph (08:09):
Yes.
Elizabeth (08:10):
we pivot I just like
to call that out cause I know
there's lots of people wholisten who are creatives or
they're going to launch abusiness, this or that.
it's a good reminder thateveryone runs into walls and
hiccups And
Steph (08:22):
Oh yeah.
Elizabeth (08:23):
It doesn't make
everything crumble or fall to
pieces.
You just keep going, you adjust.
and it's easy for us to be in itand now know that lesson and be
like, oh yeah, that's just partof like the process.
I'm going to keep bee bopping.
But if you haven't started theprocess yet, that is very
overwhelming and like kind ofintimidating.
Steph (08:40):
Yeah.
when I remember like, when Jakefirst told me like, oh let's
start a podcast.
Like at the time, like I reallydidn't have anything going on.
that I could like say like, ohI, I, this is what I do in the
online space.
I was just kind of like, I don'tknow what I was doing at that
point.
Not really much.
But I was, the idea of startinga podcast stressed me out beyond
(09:04):
belief.
Elizabeth (09:05):
Yeah.
Steph (09:06):
And then I just did it.
And then it was fine.
Elizabeth (09:11):
Yeah, I remember when
I did my first episode.
It's like eight minutes long andI was scared.
I was so scared.
And I was like, um, Hi, this ismy first episode.
I don't know what I'm doing.
And then, but look, here we are.
Like, you just gotta start.
You just have to start.
to start and it may suck.
It may suck and that's okay.
That is okay.
Like you're not going to knowyou're not going to change or
(09:34):
evolve it, you know, until youtry.
So lots of development, itsounds like personal
development.
And I, I want to kind of callback to our episode when you and
Jay were on representing thestate introverted podcast, you
were talking about.
Like, we were talking about howyou, you two discovered
introversion.
Not like, discoveredintroversion like it's a thing,
(09:55):
but you know what
Steph (09:55):
We, we found it.
We were first.
Fuck off, Carl Jung.
Elizabeth (10:00):
ha! Right, right?
Oh god, we were just beboppingdown the street and we saw a
clerb.
I'm just kidding.
Uh, anyways.
I don't know why I said beboptwice now in the past five
minutes, but that's okay.
Steph (10:10):
word.
It's a new word.
Elizabeth (10:12):
My friend sent me
one.
She was like skedaddle.
I was like skedaddle.
I haven't heard that one in awhile.
So watch me use that hereshortly.
Um, but anyways, when you andJay were talking about like how
you found the term introvert orintroversion and you identified
with it.
And I remember you specificallytalking about, you were always
trying to fit into these boxesthat really they weren't
fitting.
(10:32):
You were trying to make yourselffit into something that wasn't
designed for you.
And I remember you talked alittle bit about like partying,
not like you were like crazy,crazy, but
Steph (10:40):
Oh, I was crazy.
Elizabeth (10:42):
but you know, but
like, because you were trying to
kind of mask yourself.
And, um, since we recorded, Ihave done an episode with one of
my friends, that was talkingabout neurodiversity and she was
talking to me about masking and,I've heard that term before, but
like really, Like thinking aboutwhat that means.
And that's what you were doing.
And I'm sure a lot of us do itwhen we feel, I don't want, I
(11:04):
don't want to be super dramaticand say rejected by society, but
like, I'm sure a lot of us havefelt that way.
At least to some extent.
And so masking is what you dowhen you're like, well, I'm
going to try to fit, even thoughthis isn't who I am.
So I just kind of want to talkabout since you have found, Hey,
I'm an introvert.
This is what my energy levelsare like.
This is what fuels me.
This is what energizes me.
(11:26):
How has that changed your lifeand how like did, has that
started any more personaldevelopment?
Like how has that journeylooked?
Steph (11:34):
Oh, yeah.
So, I think for the longesttime, like, you know, I just
wanted to be, like, liked andaccepted and loved and, you
know, like, I wanted people to,to just like Steph.
But I didn't really know whatthat meant.
Like, what, like, who is stuff?
Like, How can they like me if Idon't even know who I am, I
(11:57):
guess?
Elizabeth (11:58):
Mmm.
Steph (11:59):
how can they like me if
I'm not even sure if I like me?
Because I'm not even sure who Iam.
So, I think that was Oh, I'mabout to get real deep.
Elizabeth (12:08):
Oh, that's got
goosebumps.
Steph (12:10):
too.
Uh oh.
So, I think That sort of openedup like this can of worms where
I was like, okay, well the firstthing that I know about myself
is that I'm an introvert.
So what does that mean to me?
Like, and then just going downthe rabbit hole and like asking
(12:30):
all these questions, what doesit mean to be an introvert?
well, it just means that I drawmy energy from within and I need
to recharge and I You know, liketo be with myself sometimes and,
and that's okay.
And just giving myselfpermission to ask more questions
and get really curious aboutlike what my introversion meant.
(12:54):
And then that opened up evenmore things like, okay, yes, I'm
an introvert, but I also have aquirky sense of humor.
What does that mean to me?
What does that mean to like, toshow it off to people?
What does that mean to allowthat to?
Kind of be the way that I talkand, and engage and whatever.
(13:15):
it just really allows me to godown all these different little
pathways in discovering like whoI am.
like another thing is I am verya DD and
Elizabeth (13:28):
I can relate to that.
Steph (13:29):
yeah.
And like all of these differentthings.
are just little parts of likethe whole of like who is stuff.
And so I kept getting reallycurious and like going down all
these tangents and rabbit holesand instead of trying to mask
them, as you were saying, orinstead of trying to deny them,
Elizabeth (13:51):
Mm hmm.
Steph (13:52):
I started to just allow
them to just be, you know?
It is what it is.
Bye.
And, the more that I justaccepted and held space for each
of these little parts of me thatmake me who I am, the more easy
it was to just not feel like itwas all these like little
(14:14):
fragmented pieces, but like, Iwas able to show up as like a
whole version of myself all thetime.
Um,
Elizabeth (14:26):
I just allow myself
to be, whatever this part of me
is.
I'm addressing.
What do you mean by that?
so if you are a really loudlaugher, I know that sounds
silly, but like, let's just gowith that.
Like you are a louder person.
Maybe that's more is better.
Are you saying like you wouldn'tlet maybe the intrusive negative
thought that's like, Ooh, maybeI'm being too much kind of,
(14:47):
you're just like, no, I'mallowing myself to take up
space.
Is that what you
Steph (14:50):
Right.
Like, I feel like I'm more awareof when those thoughts happen,
but I'm able to quickly be like,You know what?
I don't even know if thatprocess happens anymore where
it's like, I'll be sitting in aroom one day, and like, somebody
will say something funny, AndI'm pretty quick witted.
(15:11):
But I also have no filter.
And I like, like, I just saywhatever is on my mind and I
don't really filter myself.
In the past, I would mentally belike, no, don't say that.
But now, I'm like, just let itcome out if it's like the right
audience and the right,environment and the right
situation.
(15:31):
Like, I don't hold back anymore.
I'm just myself.
Elizabeth (15:35):
You know, the more I
work on myself and like, just, I
mean, I've been to this at thispoint for a while now, but I've
seen as all of this progressI've made, personal development
I've made, I can stop theintrusive thought.
Steph (15:51):
Mm hmm.
Elizabeth (15:51):
Before it even starts
before it even spirals.
So you're another personconfirming when you work on
yourself and you continue andit's hard But you you keep
making efforts and it's justyou're not gonna catch every
negative thought at first Butlike you try you try when they
happen and the more you do it Itwill start to actually pay off
(16:12):
and then boom Steph Lafay isover here sharing that it's
happening for her.
So
Steph (16:18):
Um, no, but it's been
really good, so like, two things
just came out of what you justsaid.
So, one is, one thing that I'vebeen doing, this is kind of
random, this is like a, thiscould send us on another rabbit
hole.
But, something I've been doingfor the last like, probably two
or three months, is whenever Inotice a negative thought, like
(16:40):
it comes through, like, to myconscious level where I notice
it, I try to, whatever I'm,having a negative thought about
like let's say it's anotherperson in my spin class and i'm
like that person is Dancingright now and it's annoying me
like I don't know sometimes likeat 6 a.
(17:01):
m.
I don't want to see you dancing.
Whatever um Just freaking spin
Elizabeth (17:05):
Dead.
Steph (17:08):
so like if I have a
negative thought about that
person, uh, at 6 o'clock in themorning, I try to find three
positive things that I likeabout them.
And it's like, I don't letmyself move on from that
negative thought until I've sortof come up with three things
that are positive to counter it.
And now, Because it's soannoying to have to do that.
(17:31):
It's like a mental, it's mentalgymnastics.
I'm like for every Negativethought now I have to come up
three positive ones.
Like who wants to do that?
I feel like my brain now Justdoesn't even take on the
negative thought because I don'twant to do the work.
I'm like lazy It's not that i'mnice It's not that i'm nice or
(17:53):
positive.
It's that i'm freaking lazy andI don't want to do that
Elizabeth (17:56):
This.
Wow.
That's thank you so much forsharing.
That's so different.
So cool.
And like it just goes to showthere's not one way to like work
on this.
I mean, mine was not like that.
Mine was just constantly like.
When I'd have that intrusivethought I would like try to stop
myself and like at least Figureout where is this coming from?
Where is it stemming from?
Because mine was very anxietydriven, but I'm very impressed
(18:20):
with that So you were like trulytraining your brain like look
we're gonna work harder if weact this way Interesting, okay
and that might be easier forsomebody to kind of grasp on to
because it's like so like oneplus one equals two like it's
Very,
Steph (18:35):
Right.
Elizabeth (18:36):
I don't know what
we're looking for.
It's very visual in a way
Steph (18:40):
Yeah, and I
Elizabeth (18:40):
visual.
Steph (18:41):
a lot of it, I, like, the
spin example is probably one
that actually happened becausein spin, like, one thing that
I've been doing is, I've beentrying to not be on my phone at
all when I'm doing somethingthat doesn't require my phone.
Um, So, like in SPIN class, likeI intentionally put the phone
under the bike when I walk in.
(19:03):
So that I won't look at it.
but I feel like, if just bymaking like little changes to
like the way I talk, Like whatI'm doing, I'm opening up space
in my brain to think aboutthings like that and to work
through things like that.
So like, 45 minutes in a spinclass, I have nothing else to
think about but that negativethought.
(19:23):
So I might as well work on itwhile I'm riding my bike, you
know?
Elizabeth (19:29):
Right.
Interesting.
That's so impressive.
Okay, so you literally trainedyour brain.
So that helped with the negativeintrusive thought pattern.
Accepting all the pieces of youand not feeling shame, which is
a huge thing, I think, inpersonal development.
so I have a question.
(19:49):
Would you say, like, what wasthe, and there could be more
than one, Is there a moment thatmade you, like, I don't want to
say rock bottom, but maybe rockbottom, that made you want to
start pursuing some level ofpersonal development?
And or was it when youdiscovered the introversion
term, or was that part of likeyour personal development
(20:10):
journey?
Steph (20:11):
That so the introversion
was an I discovered that by
accident.
I think we talked about it onthe previous episode.
Like I was trying to figure outwhat to put in my instagram bio
and like somebody was like, oh,I think you're an introvert.
I was like, okay.
I think you might be right.
but the catalyst for this wholething was covid.
(20:32):
My wedding got canceled twice.
my husband had COVID and it waslike 10 days in and his
stepfather was like, I can't getsick.
So he pretty much like made usstay in the attic for two weeks,
just the two of us, we hadnothing to do, but like think
and like be with each other byday three I was like, don't talk
(20:57):
to me.
we had this little, like verysmall room to share and do
everything in for 14 days.
It was horrible.
Elizabeth (21:05):
sounds horrible.
Steph (21:07):
It was, yeah.
So I basically just made anInstagram about, at the time it
was about fitness because I washoping that my wedding was still
going to happen.
I was in denial.
Elizabeth (21:19):
Yeah.
I think a lot of us were.
Mine got canceled once.
Steph (21:22):
Okay.
Oh, it was brutal.
so I was kind of like, okay, allI'm eating right now is like the
cookies that my mother lovesbaking.
Uh, I need to be able to fitinto this dress and the only way
that I'm going to eat right isif I exercise.
So, I made an Instagrambasically to show people.
(21:43):
So, and this is like.
It's kind of embarrassing now inhindsight, but like I don't like
I don't know anything aboutfitness.
I just like to work out
Elizabeth (21:51):
Same.
Steph (21:52):
And I guess I do okay But
like I basically was using all
the things in the room like theobjects in the room to make
makeshift machines that we hadat the gym I was like showing it
on Instagram.
It was like a crackdown.
It looks crazy, but likewhatever
Elizabeth (22:10):
what we were all
doing back during COVID.
Steph (22:13):
exactly.
Like I had like a stick that Igot from outside I had like a,
like a rubber band, a giantrubber band or whatever.
And I was using it to make likea lat machine.
It was very creative.
Um,
Elizabeth (22:26):
very creative.
I'm so impressed.
Steph (22:28):
yeah, it was crazy, but I
was so bored.
So that is kind of what startedthis whole thing.
And then over time, like overthe course of like the pandemic.
I just, I went from like fitnessto like mental health and like,
I really had nowhere to go butinward because there was really
nothing going on.
(22:50):
So, it was just this likeongoing cycle of like asking
more questions, getting morecurious, finding answers,
getting more curious, goingdeeper inwards.
And the first, I would say thefirst two years of that was, Me
just going closer and closer andcloser to like rock bottom.
(23:12):
and like it was very lonely andvery overwhelming I just, I felt
like everybody thought I wascrazy.
I felt crazy.
and it was just this like neverending like dark hole.
It's like, when is this gonnaend?
Elizabeth (23:28):
hmm.
Man, I feel that.
I feel that.
Steph (23:30):
But then, like, something
happened in March 2022, so about
two years in.
I basically stopped taking myADD meds.
and everything started, like,one day at a time, things
started getting better.
Like, I, like, finally, like,saw the light at the end of the
tunnel.
Elizabeth (23:48):
Wow.
Steph (23:49):
I stopped taking them
cold turkey, which, in
hindsight, probably wasn't verysafe.
But Those, I think, were thereason that I felt so alone and
so confused and so overwhelmedbecause I didn't even know who I
was anymore at that point.
it was like, I wasoverprescribed, overmedicated, I
was like a robot, like a zombie.
(24:11):
I wasn't sleeping, I had no,like my creativity was zero.
Elizabeth (24:16):
Yeah.
Steph (24:17):
And I could barely, like,
talk.
I don't know how I held on to myjob the whole time, honestly.
but I guess I was working reallyhard because I was over
prescribed to that medication.
Elizabeth (24:29):
but say you're hyper
focused.
Steph (24:30):
Yeah.
like, hyper focused.
but once I, like, let go of themedication, I was able to slowly
heal myself, and I think that iswhen the healing really began
because I started to haveemotions again.
Like, I started to have, like,an emotional connection to
myself again.
yeah.
And, like, once I started toexplore my feelings, instead of
(24:53):
just I don't think I hademotions, for, like, a while.
or at least I wasn't aware ofthem.
which is a very bizarre place tobe in, in hindsight.
And then, for about a year Iwent from literally not
emotional at all, like having noemotions, to being the most
(25:14):
emotional person you would evermeet.
Like, it was like, six years ofhaving like, no emotions or
having them like, disappear overthe course of six years.
All of a sudden I was having allthe feelings.
Elizabeth (25:28):
it all bubbled up to
the top and it was like a
volcano.
Steph (25:31):
And then last summer, I
started to learn, I would say
around July, we got home from atrip to Myrtle Beach, or yeah,
we went to Myrtle Beach withsome friends.
I partied very hard in MyrtleBeach.
And it's like, not really aparty, it's like a very low key
beach, so.
(25:52):
Was I okay?
I don't know.
Um, I'm okay now.
she's good now.
but we got back from there, andI was like, okay.
Something's gotta give again.
Like, something's gotta change.
I started learning how to notjust feel my feelings, because I
was clearly very good at that atthat point.
(26:14):
I started learning how to speakto them, manage them, talk about
them, cope with them, without,like, drinking or doing other
things.
And through that, I, like overthe course of a couple months,
like I stopped drinking liquor,I stopped really doing anything.
(26:34):
I just learned how to be realabout what I was feeling and
since then, like I would saysince last November or so,
Things have really been clickinginto place.
It's like milestone aftermilestone after milestone and I
feel like I've become a wholeperson because I'm able to speak
(26:55):
to my emotion.
That was a total rant.
I don't know if any of that madesense
Elizabeth (27:00):
made all the sense
and it was not a rant.
It was a story.
It was, it was,
Steph (27:05):
There come the negative
thoughts.
See, I'm not immune to them.
Bye.
Elizabeth (27:08):
yeah, there, there
you are in real time.
See everybody.
We can still have our shittogether, but I have those
moments.
you know, you no longer have tomask.
You are authentically you.
Um.
Hmm.
Thank you for speaking to thatbecause sometimes like tapping
into your emotions andunderstanding them for whatever
reason is scary to some peopleor, or, or maybe it's not scary,
(27:30):
but people don't, and I know I'mgeneralizing here, but people
don't understand, like, like, Ifeel like they dismiss it.
Like, oh, that's what it's like.
No, no, no.
Like, it's actually importantfor you to understand how you're
feeling, especially knowing thatthere's more than just sad,
happy, angry.
Like, there's levels to those.
There's levels to fear.
Then there's like where thosetwo kind of intersect.
(27:51):
Like, there's different, there'sscared, fear, anxiety.
Then there's like anger drivenanxiety.
Like, there's different, I don'tknow.
Knowledge is power.
Knowledge is freedom.
So being able to speak to howyou're feeling and then because
if you understand how you'refeeling, then you're owning how
you're feeling and then you'regoing to be confident in that.
So not a rant at all.
A very important life lessonthat I think a lot of us still
(28:13):
struggle to learn or or we likeagain, we just dismiss it as
something not important.
Steph (28:19):
Right.
Yeah, and I think the otherthing too is like, you know,
throughout all of this, therewere very high highs, and not
just because of my ADD meds orwhatever other shit I was doing,
there were like moments thatwere really good throughout all
of this.
Like, I got married in the midstof all
Elizabeth (28:38):
Right, right, right,
Steph (28:39):
of my life.
and I had like so many greattimes with my friends.
And like, I got promotions inthe middle of this.
Started my podcast.
a lot of good things werehappening.
And, I would have a lot of gooddays.
Even though a lot of it was likerough.
And nowadays, like, it sort offlips.
I'm having mostly good days, butI still have my fuckin bad days.
(29:03):
Like, it's, and I think you'renever gonna get rid of, like,
the bad days or the bad moments.
It's just, you know, how youdeal with them.
Elizabeth (29:12):
no, absolutely agree.
I mean, I still have momentslike where I, I don't want to
say I'm embarrassed.
Like, like talking about owning.
So you own who you are, you ownthe emotions, you own the
feelings.
I think there's also growth whenyou can own like, okay, we've
made all this progress, all thisdevelopment, but like, we're
human human AF.
We still get jealous or we stillget grumpy.
(29:33):
We still get irritated.
I snap because I'm hungry.
Like, gosh, hang hanger is athing for Liz Cheney.
I'll tell you that right.
The fuck
Steph (29:40):
Me too.
Same for Steph Lafay.
Well, actually, no.
Steph Laffy.
Steph Laffy Laffy is perfect.
Ha
Elizabeth (29:49):
Hollywood star fame,
you know?
but I, Hold on one second.
I'm so
Steph (29:54):
Yeah, no, you're fine.
You're fine.
Elizabeth (29:57):
So sorry.
My husband's being very annoyingright now.
He knew I'm recording and he'slike, there's only two crab
cakes at the store.
I'm like, you called me tointerrupt my recording about
crab cakes.
What?
Oh my God.
Steph (30:09):
That's totally worth it.
Elizabeth (30:10):
sorry about that.
Yes.
So back to where we're talkingabout.
So when I was saying like owninglike hanger, all of that, right?
The work I've done like when inthose moments where I'm not
being the nicest version ofmyself, you know, or I'm being a
little bit of a brat, a bitch,you know what I mean?
Steph (30:26):
Right.
Elizabeth (30:27):
I can own that more
now and not just own it more,
but I don't.
Also, spiral into like, well,you're, you suck, you're a
loser, you're a piece of shit.
Why would you act that way?
No, no, no, no.
Like very, like always thesevery dramatic, harsh, inner
negative, like thought patterns.
So with self development, notonly do you get to own who you
are and understand who you areand be able to communicate who
(30:48):
you are, you also accept you Forevery version of you, every
level of you, when you'rehangry, when you're just being a
bitch because you're annoyed,when you're super happy and
hyper, and maybe everyone elseis like, can you come down like
four notches?
And you're like, no, I'm justhappy.
Like, I just, I'm just trying tospeak to knowing you, who you
are, and it's just the mostimportant thing that you can do.
(31:11):
And that leads to what's myfavorite two letter, two letter.
I did that again.
What's my two favorite words?
Self love, but, but, butseriously, it is like
essentially ultimate self loveand knowing who you are and
accepting who you are andmeeting yourself where you are.
Steph (31:29):
Absolutely.
I mean, I had a freaking, I hada meltdown, on Sunday.
Like, a fucking meltdown.
We were walking to Whole Foods.
But what was cool was, in thepast, like a year ago, two years
ago, that meltdown would havetaken, I don't know, three weeks
for me to stop.
(31:50):
But Yeah, I was, it was like, Ohno, this bitch is a melting.
Elizabeth (31:56):
Right.
Steph (31:56):
but we were all, we were
walking the whole food, just
about a 20 minute walk from myapartment.
And I just got so upset.
We went out the night before myhusband, like just got on my
nerves I was hangry andhungover, really bad combo.
and he said something and I waslike, Oh, you're fucking kidding
me.
(32:17):
By the time we got to WholeFoods, we were like lovey dovey,
Miss, like, Steph and Sean.
like, he even commented, Thatwas the fastest you've ever,
like, stopped and, like, taken apause.
literally, it was not even fiveminutes.
So, it, like, it still happens,but I was able to take a deep
(32:38):
breath and say, Wait.
Am I actually mad at him?
does he deserve this?
And really, no.
I don't know if he ever reallydeserved that kind of like, I
hate you! But, you know, I wasable to take a deep breath and
recognize, like, am I really madat him?
(32:58):
Or am I just hungry andhungover?
Elizabeth (33:00):
Right.
Right.
Steph (33:01):
And, as it turned out, I
was just hungry and hungover.
and hangry, whatever, a lot ofthings.
And I wasn't actually really madat like what he said, I was just
mad.
Elizabeth (33:15):
Right.
You're just irritable.
Steph (33:16):
I
Elizabeth (33:17):
it happens.
It happens.
And then you, we get over it andit's like, ah, sorry, babe.
Like, I don't hold on to mypride or who's right or who has
the last word anymore.
It's like, okay.
Because nine and a half timesout of ten, the fights or the
arguments are over stupid shit,you know, or just whatever.
It's not the real, what reallymatters.
So see, and look at that.
(33:38):
It's just, I'm just all aboutpersonal development and growth
because it is fun and it's verylike looking in the mirror.
You're going to look in themirror and like look at the ugly
parts of yourself.
But like the thing about it isyou will learn that the ugly
parts are actually beautiful.
Steph (33:54):
Yeah, how do I love that?
Absolutely.
And like, what's really funny islike, the first two years of my
personal development thing,because I was like, like, my co
host of the Human AF podcastalways says, you're spiraling
upward, and even though it seemslike you're dealing with the
(34:14):
same issue over and over andover and over, and it's like
you're not making progress, youactually are, but you're just
seeing it from like a higherlevel.
And So,
Elizabeth (34:24):
a good way to look at
it.
Steph (34:26):
yeah, it bothers my mom
when she talks
Elizabeth (34:28):
I love that.
Spiraling upward.
Steph (34:30):
Yeah, so like, even if it
feels like you're spiraling,
like, you're spiraling, you'reactually just reaching another
level.
And because it's just, it's sucha big topic or issue or
whatever,
Elizabeth (34:44):
Yeah.
Steph (34:44):
because you're dealing
with it again, it feels like a
lot, it feels exhausting, butreally you're just, you're just
growing, and it's growing pain.
Elizabeth (34:53):
I
Steph (34:53):
Um, right?
I was like, Steph, her name isSteph also, she's awesome.
Elizabeth (34:58):
know so many steps.
Steph (34:59):
I, I, oh my god, yes, we
had an episode of the Stay
Intubated podcast with anotherSteph Waffy,
Elizabeth (35:05):
That's what I was
about to say.
I saw that the other day, ortoday I think, or yesterday.
Steph (35:09):
Yeah, crazy.
but I think that like, because Iwas constantly spiraling, And I
was just so fixated on fixingthis and then fixing that and it
was so many big like hugeoverwhelming issues.
Everybody was like, shut thehell up with the personal
development.
Like, it doesn't seem likeyou're getting any better.
(35:32):
This isn't fun for anybody.
Now, I don't know if they wereactually saying that or if that
was just my negative self talk.
But, yeah.
But
Elizabeth (35:40):
the negative talk.
Steph (35:41):
yeah.
But like, Now that you canliterally see on the outside
looking in you could see that Ireally am growing and I am
evolving.
I think it's fun for everybodyelse, too
Elizabeth (35:54):
Yeah, I think, I
mean, I've had my friends, like,
comment on my development, like,I am so proud of you, I see the
growth you've made, wow, like, Imean, I don't know, I've always
been the kind of person to,like, people come to for advice,
and this and this, I've alwaysbeen, like, kind of a hyper,
like, theater kid, but, Tomanage that with grace and on
(36:14):
top of like my anxiety and allthe shit that I went through
after my car accident, and thengetting through my personal rock
bottom, which was like majordepression in 2021.
And I also want to say like, toyou, like there were some good
moments.
I got married in that processtoo, but I was not okay.
I was at my, at my rock bottom.
And it was after my wedding thatI realized it because.
(36:35):
I was
Steph (36:36):
are we the same person?
Elizabeth (36:37):
yeah, it was bad.
It was like three months, fourmonths afterward.
Um, but
Steph (36:42):
Same.
Elizabeth (36:42):
yeah, I, it is fun
for them cause they see it.
And then like you, then what'scool is you see the ripple
effect your growth has taught onthe people around you.
So they don't just recognize it,but then you're helping them as
well.
Like, I truly think that I'vehelped a lot of people and I
don't mean that in a braggy wayat all.
It, I, I mean, I mean it from away of like, Because I am
(37:03):
comfortable sharing myvulnerability, sharing my
authenticity, I think that helpsbecause we need real, we need
real, real.
Steph (37:12):
We do, yeah.
And I think that like, you'releading yourself and in turn
you're, you're showing peoplewhat's possible when they do it
too.
Like, I don't freaking know whatthe hell I'm doing.
I'm making it up as I go everysingle
Elizabeth (37:25):
I'm just trying to be
more at peace.
What, what is my mental peace?
And that, and I don't mean, Idon't mean like I'm always like,
Oh, no mistake.
I mean like, Oh, intrusivethought.
What is affecting my, my, mypeace right now?
Why am I having a negativethought pattern?
This just came from nowhere.
Get the fuck out of my head.
And then boom, I'm, it's out ofmy head now.
Like it's all about making me atpeace and, and, and so I can do
(37:48):
the thousand frigging things I'mtrying to do at any given
moment.
You know,
Steph (37:51):
Exactly.
Elizabeth (37:52):
God, I'm hard enough.
Like with the shit I try tojuggle anyway, I don't need my,
my anxiety and brain trying tolike, you know, fuck it up too.
Steph (38:00):
Exactly.
Oh my god, like, my brain onanxiety is like, I might as well
just like, sleep or stay thereat the wall.
Like, it's useless.
So like, what do I need to doright now I don't know.
To get those anxious thoughts toturn off so that I can focus on
whatever I'm trying to do.
And if that's like, stop doingwhat you're doing, and just go
(38:22):
to bed, or just leave the officeearly, or just go for a walk or
take a deep breath, then that'swhat I need to do.
Elizabeth (38:29):
Yep.
Yep.
And the world will not crumble.
It will not catch on fire.
Despite what your head tellsyou.
Steph (38:34):
Exactly.
Elizabeth (38:35):
that's something you
have to learn as well.
Well, I know we are running lowon time.
We're running out of time here.
So I just want to say beforeyou, you drop all your Instagram
handles and podcasts, do youhave any last words that you'd
like to give the audience whomaybe they're on their own
personal development journey?
Maybe they need to start andthey're scared or, or just in
general.
Steph (38:56):
Yeah, so I think the big
thing is, you're going to want
to focus on all the differentthings.
Especially if, like, you're atthe start.
You're going to notice a lot ofthings that you need to change
about yourself.
And I say that in air quotesbecause there's nothing that you
need to change.
Elizabeth (39:13):
I love that.
Steph (39:15):
Um, but I think you're
going to want to change a
million and gajillion things atonce.
Focus on one thing at a time andI think a lot of things will
self correct without you evenrealizing.
So,
Elizabeth (39:29):
Perfect.
Steph (39:30):
really quick example, a
really quick example of this is
I used to chew gum like apsychopath.
Like, I, I literally chewed twopacks a day, like it was like a
stick of, yeah, it was crazy.
Um, I was a gum chewer and Atthe same time, I was also
obsessively organizing my to dolist, and I was on social media
(39:53):
way too much.
so, rather than try to fix thegum chewing, which I tried many
times, I started focusing onfixing my relationship with
social media and my to do list.
And, by accident, I stoppedchewing gum, because I was no
longer using those two things toavoid my life.
(40:15):
And so, the tension in my jawdisappeared, and I don't need
gum anymore.
So, focus on one or two things,and other things will resolve
just by accident.
Elizabeth (40:27):
Agreed.
That's, uh, that's a good callout.
That's, uh, that was actuallyvery well said.
Thank you, Steph, for, fordropping that.
So, alright everyone, where canthey find Steph LaFay?
And otherwise known as StephLaffy.
Steph (40:42):
So my, like, kind of
catch all Instagram is probably
the easiest.
So it's at introspectiveunderscore AF.
there you will find allpodcasts.
so I have the Stay Introvertedpodcast, the Becoming Human AF
podcast, and the Hey Bestiepodcast.
I'm mostly on threads.
(41:03):
I'm like super unhinged over
Elizabeth (41:05):
so good.
You are, I'm like, damn.
I post on threads once a bluemoon, and you're just over there
like constantly.
Steph (41:11):
It's my journal.
I, I forget that it's public.
I genuinely like, I'm like, uhoh.
Like, did I just post that?
Uh oh.
Elizabeth (41:19):
I would love to do
it.
I would love to like think ofevery intrusive thought I have
or like stupid comment I'm like,oh, that'd be funny.
But yeah
Steph (41:25):
I, so I don't think about
it, I just post it.
yeah, you guys can find all myclips, like, from all my
podcasts on there.
the trick is, I don't make them,I don't post them.
I just look like I do.
So, yeah.
But, uh, yeah, follow me onIntrospective AF and you can
either listen to all threepodcasts or you can pick your
poison and choose one.
Elizabeth (41:45):
Yeah, I think you
should listen to all three.
You're going to get a differentvibe from all three.
That's for sure.
Steph (41:50):
exactly.
Elizabeth (41:51):
Oh, well, that's
great.
Thank you so much, Steph.
And you and I, Missy, get tosee, get to meet each other in
just a short few months.
So I'm super excited about that.
Your girl is going to New YorkCity.
And I told Steph that she had nochoice but to hang out with me
at one point.
So
Steph (42:07):
excited it's gonna happen
and I get to meet your mom I
think,
Elizabeth (42:10):
yes, you do get to
meet my mom.
Um, so
Steph (42:12):
Maybe I'll have my mom
come, too.
Elizabeth (42:14):
okay.
Well, we're going to talk aboutthis because I actually kind of
love this idea that we'rebuilding.
So we'll make that happen.
Okay.
Well, thank you so much untilnext time.
And for those listening, ifyou're not doing this already,
you can follow me at in dotbetween pod and Elizabeth Cheney
underscore on Instagram and thein between podcast on YouTube,
which this episode will be thereand tick tock.
So until then, I will see youlater.
And me and Steph just want youto, uh, what is it?
(42:36):
Personal development yourself.
That was a really bad way to saythat.
Steph (42:42):
I
Elizabeth (42:42):
Let me try that one
more time.
We want you to love you becauseyou are worth the love.
That's a better way to say it.
Steph (42:49):
Love it.
Elizabeth (42:51):
Oh gosh.
Well, thank you so much, Steph.
Steph (42:53):
Thank you.