March 27, 2025 • 26 mins
Host Arthi is joined by guest Monika Malan, who discusses how different perspectives can lead to personal progress. Monika vulnerably shares a tragedy she experienced at a young age, in the loss of her sibling unexpectedly, and the impact this had on her. It was only when a colleague provided her feedback that she realized the full extent of that impact. This led Monika to take action and learn valuable lessons, including prioritizing family and mental health.
Monika is an advocate for women and is very passionate about supporting women throughout all stages, from young schoolgirls to fierce female leaders. Monika encourages women to identify their values and strengths and to lead confidently without sacrificing their authenticity. Monika shares her exciting new adventure of creating a community for female leaders to support each other and grow together.
Some wise words from Monika :
- “Women don't need to lead like men and to be successful.”
- "It's important to remember that you can't care for anyone else until you yourself are taken care of."
- "Work is work, but your family might not always be there."
Listen to the full episode for so many more insights and ideas offered by my excellent guest.
About Monika Malan:
Monika is a passionate leadership coach dedicated to helping emerging female leaders develop authentic confidence and thrive in their careers. With over 18 years of experience in the corporate and IT sectors, Monika has transformed her own journey through resilience, emotional intelligence, and a commitment to personal growth. She believes that women can be powerful leaders while embracing their unique strengths and authenticity without needing to conform to traditional, often male-dominated, leadership styles.
Connect with Monika here:
Do rate, write a review, and share with others.
Share, too, your insights from your journey based on themes from the episode - what has worked or hasn't worked for you. We can all learn from each other.
Connect with host Arthi here:
· Website
· YouTube
· IG
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Arthi Rabikrisson (00:15):
Hello everyone, and welcome to the
inspire your life podcast withme, your host, Arthi
Rabikrisson,I believe we find inspiration
all around us, especially fromthe stories that we all have in
(00:36):
us. My aim with the inspire yourlife podcast is to bring some of
those real stories to light.
Stories of my guests thatresonate with you and me. It's
by listening to these storiesthat we can be inspired and
motivate ourselves to overcome,find a new path and rise even
(01:02):
higher than we thought possible.
Joining me on the show today isMonika Malan, founder of she
leads boldly. Monika is apassionate leadership coach
dedicated to helping emergingfemale leaders develop authentic
(01:25):
confidence and thrive in theircareers. With over 18 years of
experience in the corporate andIT sectors, Monika has
transformed her own journeythrough resilience, emotional
intelligence and a commitment topersonal growth. She believes
that women can be powerfulleaders while embracing their
(01:45):
unique strengths andauthenticity without needing to
conform to traditional, oftenmale dominated leadership
styles. So today, Monika isjoining us to share a bit of her
own story of courage and growthin our episode that we're
calling perspective, createprogress. Monika, a very, very
(02:05):
warm welcome to the inspire yourlife podcast today.
Monika Malan (02:09):
Oh, thank you so very much for having me. I am so
excited to be here, and I'mlooking forward to our
conversation today.
Arthi Rabikrisson (02:17):
I can't tell you how forward I am looking to
this as well, because we've beenin conversation for a little
while now, and Monika, I've justbeen sharing a little bit so
high level about yourself. I'dlove it if you could actually
tell us a bit more about you.
Monika Malan (02:32):
Oh, gosh, I have been challenging myself lately
to not answer that type ofquestion with what I do for a
living, because I'm so much morethan my job, right? So,
Arthi Rabikrisson (02:43):
correct.
Monika Malan (02:44):
I am a toddler mom. My little boy is four. He's
almost turning five. I lovebuilding puzzles. I love
reading, and currently I am busylearning French.
Arthi Rabikrisson (02:56):
Oh, that's something we have in common. I'm
also in the process of learningFrench, so we must actually
confer a little bit around that.
Monika Malan (03:06):
yeah, that would be fun.
Arthi Rabikrisson (03:09):
Anything else? I mean, those are all
great things that you're in intoanything more that you want to
share with our listeners aboutyourself?
Monika Malan (03:16):
Well, I'm very passionate about supporting
women throughout all stages. Ireally get very emotional about,
you know, supporting girls inschool, especially when it comes
to, like, their feminine careand things like that, that often
really impacts their ability tobe present and to learn as much
as they could all the waythrough to women in the
(03:38):
workplace. And I get veryunhappy when I read or hear
about women feeling like they'renot being taken seriously in the
workplace. And then I also, youknow, just the recent Olympics
that have passed, just likewatching all those like fearless
females on the Olympic sportsfields was just so inspiring. So
(03:59):
I'm very passionate about womenand what we can achieve, and I
want to do my small little partin helping us all uplift each
other.
Arthi Rabikrisson (04:08):
I love that I can hear the passion in your
voice as well as you're speakingabout it. It's also an area
that's so close to my heart aswell Monika, so there's so much
that can be done, and I'm gladthat you're going to be sharing
a bit about what your expertiseand what your advice and things
like that can be to listen thatour listeners can actually
(04:28):
experience and benefit from aswell. And I know a lot of what
you're doing when we weretalking beforehand, was coming
from a place of your ownexperience, and you had shared
with me that, you know, when youwere still in your 20s, there
was quite a tragedy thathappened in your family and that
it completely rocked you to yourcore, and I wanted you know,
(04:50):
would you be willing to share alittle bit about that with us?
Monika Malan (04:54):
Yeah, definitely.
I was 23 and I had just movedaway from home to finish my
studies. And then, while I wasbusy with my studies, because it
was part time, I got a full timejob as well. So I was away from
home, like in Cape Town,compared to Pretoria, which I
think is around 1500 kilometers,so it's quite far you it's not
(05:15):
easy to just go and visit andthen my brother unexpectedly
passed away. He was 18 at thetime, and he was in a car
accident, and it broke me, Imean, I was young. I was in a
strange place. I hadn't reallybuilt up a support network yet
in my new area, like all myvarsity and school friends were
(05:39):
in Pretoria. My family was inPretoria, and I really
struggled. I really struggled toprocess that loss. And yeah, it
was a long journey to get backfrom a very dark place I found
myself in, and it actuallyhappened round about the time
that I was first appointed to aleadership position. So it was a
(06:00):
really rocky start to my careeras a leader. But I feel my
journey of kind of findingmyself again and recovering from
that loss, the silver lining waskind of forced into emotional
maturity, you know, at a youngage, and it gave me a lot of
(06:20):
empathy, which I think is soimportant for a leader to have
empathy, and also just reallyforced me to be clear around my
boundaries and my values, whichany good leader should have. So
it really, I think, propelled mein that way. But it's not a
(06:43):
lesson I would want to wish onanyone. Or not the way I would
want anyone to learn thoselessons anyway.
Arthi Rabikrisson (06:51):
Oh, thank you so much for sharing that. And
you know, it is devastating tolose somebody that you know
you're close to family as well.
And, you know, I can onlyimagine what it must have been
like for you to just try andnavigate through this loss and
this tragedy and grief comes insuch cyclical kind of ways. You
(07:11):
know, you're good in one at onepoint, and then suddenly
something innocuous comes infront of you and you're just
overcome with so, you know,that's that devastating impact
that grief can have. And I mean,coupled with what you're saying
now in terms of this leadershiprole as well, that was also
happening at the time, where weneed to show up in a particular
(07:31):
way, and we're still, you know,battling with the different
emotions that are coming throughto you, you know, Monika. I'm so
curious, how did he actuallythen cope with this kind of
different waves of grief andneeding to be strong and so
forth during that time?
Monika Malan (07:50):
Yeah. I mean, looking back with my now
perspective, I don't actuallythink I coped that well, to be
honest, but at the time, yeah,but at the time, I did what I
could, and I think it was mybody, my brain, trying to
protect me. But I threw myselfinto my work, and I think I was
(08:13):
just not really at thebeginning, fully capable of
facing this loss and this grief,so I threw myself into my work,
but about six months later, at avery humbling experience where
my team member, one of my teammembers, came up to me and she
said, Monika, I can see you'renot okay. You're doing your
(08:35):
best, but I think you need help.
And to this day, I am sograteful she had the courage to
come and talk to me about thatbecause I didn't realize and I
think this is a trap a lot ofleaders fall into for one reason
or another. We think you can puton a front. You think you can
separate your personal and yourwork life, but it doesn't work
(08:59):
that way. And that was likequite a, you know, splash of
water in my face when shetalked, when she said that to
me. And so I took it to heart,and I started going to therapy.
I was lucky enough that myworkplace offered free
counseling sessions to staffmembers, and that's how I
(09:21):
started my therapy journey. Andit was, it was really intense.
So, I mean, I started seeing atherapist once a week, and it
was difficult. It was, it wasreally, really tough, I'm not
gonna lie. And it took me, Iwould say, probably, many years,
even before I was like, fullyrecovered, if you can ever fully
(09:43):
recover from something likethat, but I still, I still go to
therapy, not weekly, any longer,thankfully, it's no longer
necessary. But I do feel thatI've come to the understanding
that I feel therapy is soessential, and I would recommend
to everyone. I would shout itfrom the rooftops. I'm just it
makes such a big difference tohave someone impartial to speak
(10:04):
to. And, yeah, so I think interms of coping strategies, the
therapy played a large part inmy in my recovery.
Arthi Rabikrisson (10:17):
I hear you what you're saying about, you
know, having, you know, thatkind of a support, that
therapeutic support, to help youdeal with something like this.
And, you know, you're quiteright. It's not something that
you can, I mean, fully overcome,you know, again, because there's
always these moments and thesememories that will crop up Year
and Year, whether it's birthdaysor anniversaries, you know,
(10:39):
that's attached to your lovedone, where you always then cast
your mind back to what was andwhat could have been in that
time. So as I can fully imagine,you know how things must
continue to still take a tollonyou in different ways now. How
do you feel? You're coping now,though, are there still areas
(11:01):
that you feel? It's what hits mereally badly, and I worked
through that in therapy still,or do you feel, no, I look at it
a bit more fondly now, not withas much hurt or pain. Where are
you sitting at the moment withthis?
Monika Malan (11:15):
Yeah, I have definitely come a long way. So I
mean, there was a point where Icouldn't even mention my my
brother, let alone tell thestory I'm sharing today without
bursting into tears. So I'vecome a long way, but something
that a therapist early on sharedwith me, which has always stuck
with me, is she said there was astudy done where they had people
(11:35):
that had suffered loss draw apicture like a circle to
demonstrate how big the pain isin their life, and then draw a
second circle to demonstrate howmuch of this pain is a part of
their life. So if you couldimagine, it's like two circles,
one inside the the other, butthe distance between them is
(11:56):
very small, so meaning the griefis almost fully encompassing,
like it's taking you overcompletely.
And then thosesame people, about two, three
Arthi Rabikrisson (12:06):
Yeah.
years later, they asked them todo the same thing. And the
interesting part was that thesize of the circle they drew
that represented their painremained the same size, but the
size, the circle thatrepresented their life, was
bigger. And so the takeawaythere is that, you know the pain
(12:29):
is still there, the pain willnever go away, but you learn to
live with it, and you learn tomove on. And so I have come a
long way. I still have momentswhere I miss him very much,
things like when I got marriedor at the birth of my son, but
(12:49):
you learn to accept and youlearn to move on.
And you know, you're saying it's about that
progress and moving forward. AndI love that you shared what the
therapist actually shared withyou about, you know, those two
circles and how things move. I'massuming such a powerful kind of
visual, but also perspective aswell, to kind of help you think
through rationally what's goingto kind of come and happen. But
(13:14):
of course, the emotional selfthat is something that's just
more and even like today, whenyou're talking about it. It just
hits you. It comes through tothe fore. So as much as you know
that things are going on andlife is healthy, your emotions
are still are still there, andit's still a part of that part
of your life that will alwaysthere. And of course, you know
(13:35):
how beautiful that you know, asyou said earlier, the
perspective that you got fromyour colleague that actually
then made you realize that dowant to get support here,
because it's clearly veryvisible. And these are the
things that I think willcontinue to help our listeners
to keep identifying what's keyin terms of potentially holding
(13:58):
us back, but potentially also inhelping us take those first
steps forward. So Monika and I'dlove to know what are some of
the lessons that you've takenaway over the years. That's, you
know, like we said, it's it'shelped you move forward. It's
shaping your journey. It'sbringing you to where you are
right now and today. What wouldyou want to share with our
(14:22):
listeners in terms of those?
Monika Malan (14:24):
Yeah, well, my main takeaway, and something I
strongly stand behind, is thatpeople are people first, and
they're your workers, your coworkers, your employees, second,
maybe even last, depending onwhat other roles they have. And
(14:45):
so something that I don't knowif preach is the right word, but
I always tell the people thatreport me, the people in my
team, I'm like, put your familyfirst. Work will be there. Work
is work, but your family mightnot always be there. And when my
brother was in the car accidentinitially, so he didn't pass
(15:05):
away on impact. He was actuallyin critical care for about a
week before he passed away. Andso at the time of the accident,
when my father notified me whathad happened, he was still
alive. And I mean, look, I wasyoung, but I debated for quite a
while as to whether I shouldjust come up to Pretoria to be
(15:27):
with my family. I wasn't, Imean, I was new. This was my
first job. Like, do I just tellthem I'm not coming to work like
this wasn't planned. I didn'treally know what to do. So it
took me a while to reach thedecision to come up to my family
and consequences be damned, I'mvery lucky that my manager was a
very caring and compassionateperson. So he stood behind me
(15:49):
100% and he accepted theunplanned leave, and I was with
my brother before he passedaway. And if I hadn't done that,
I would have regretted it forthe rest of my life. And so that
is a lesson that I want to teacheverybody else, especially now
that I'm a mom. It puts it in awhole new perspective, and like
(16:12):
my family comes first, it's oneof my core values, is family,
and I want that for everyoneelse as well. So if I don't want
you to hesitate when it comes toto your family, like choosing
between family and work, andthat's why I think it's so
important for people to knowwhat their values are, because
it will make these types ofdecisions a lot easier. So there
(16:36):
was that lesson and then youknow the obvious one, which is
that life is short. So I mean,if you are in a place in your
life where you are not happy, ifyou're not happy at your work,
if you are not happy in arelationship, then do something
about it, because life is shortand you should be enjoying it,
(16:57):
not hating life. So yeah,
Arthi Rabikrisson (17:00):
I think those are such beautiful, simple, but,
you know, very, very well saidas well, and so much of meaning
behind it too. And I can onlyimagine how this has coward you
to what you're doing now in thecoaching space. Do you want to
share a little bit about that,in terms of how this has sort of
catapulted you into the coachingspace, and you know, bringing
(17:22):
these lessons into what youoffer in your business.
Monika Malan (17:25):
Yeah, I, like I said, I feel women, especially,
have been conditioned from ayoung age to be people pleasers,
to put other people's needsahead of ourselves. And how that
translates in the workplace isthat we often take on more than
what we should more than what weare given credit for or
(17:50):
compensated for. And I'm talkingabout things like, you know, who
does the coffee runs, who doesthe meeting notes, who does the
team build planning? Who does Imean, unless that's your role,
you're not being compensated forthat. I mean, it's let's just be
brutally honest. And so I wantto help women identify their
(18:10):
values, identify theirstrengths, and then teach them
how to play to those strengthsand how to use their values to
make confident decisions and toimplement boundaries and to say
no when it's no, and not feelguilty about it, and not want to
just people please for the sakeof it, because it's a vicious
(18:31):
circle. So you want to peopleplease, and you want to not
cause a ruckus. You don't wantconflict, but then you get upset
because you're not treated withauthority, or you don't know how
to be confident, or people speakover you, or they don't respect
you, but it ultimately startswith yourself, and if you know
what you stand for and what yourvalues are, it just makes
(18:53):
navigating that type of dynamica lot easier.
Arthi Rabikrisson (18:56):
Absolutely, and I can I can hear the
parallels as well. You know fromyour lessons that you were
talking about and how you'reworking with women in this
space, you know, it's, it's kindof like you're just allowing
women to, you know, just findtheir voices again. Would that
be accurate?
Monika Malan (19:11):
Yes, I like that.
Arthi Rabikrisson (19:14):
Because, as you're saying, there's just so
much that it's piled on us. Imean, not withstanding our own
sense of guilt around thingsthat we're doing and the
different roles that we play,and where we always feel is that
we should be doing more. Shedoes own so much that one of
them right? So in terms of, youknow, your your coaching
practice and and anything elsethat you might have, in terms of
(19:37):
the business, where, where doyou envision that going and
growing, and how do you want toget there?
Monika Malan (19:42):
I primarily want a community where women can get
together and support each otherand grow together. I want this
to be a global community,because I feel we can grow by
lifting each other up, and wewomen that are further along in
their leadership journey canhelp those that are just
starting. Because the sad truthis, is that in a lot of
(20:07):
workplaces, it's scary to askfor help with the people you
work from you don't like,depending on the culture,
there's a lot of backstabbing.
Not all women want to supporteach other, some step on each
other. So you may not feelcomfortable in your workplace to
ask for help. There may not beother female leaders that you
can turn to for help. So I wantto provide this community for
(20:27):
female leaders to grow andsupport each other. That really
is my ultimate goal, and I amlaunching a membership soon. I
don't I'm not entirely sure whenthis episode will air, but yes,
I'm launching the membershipsoon, which will help hopefully
plant the seeds of what thiscommunity could one day be. So I
(20:51):
am very excited about that.
Arthi Rabikrisson (20:56):
That does sound very, very exciting, and
especially the community piecetoo. I mean, I think you're
right. We do tend to feed offeach other, especially in a
supportive environments. I thinkthat's that's really beautiful,
and, of course, global as welltoo. That's great. Yeah. So what
would you offer then, Monika, interms of, you know, women were
feeling, you know, a bitstifled, or feeling like they're
(21:19):
running ragged, what would be acouple of tips that you could
offer them today?
Monika Malan (21:25):
Well, I want you to prioritize your mental
health. It's important toremember that you can't care for
anyone else until you yourselfare taken care of. So do
prioritize your mental healthand do some work to identify
your values. Like I said, mostof us have, like, a vague sense
(21:46):
of what we stand for, but youknow, we can't really articulate
it. So I would encourage thosewomen to dig deep and identify
like three to five core valuesand then use those values to
make your decisions, to set yourboundaries and stick to it, and
by sticking to those boundaries,by making values decisions that
(22:10):
align with your values, you arealso prioritizing your mental
health. And yeah, it's all likethis circle that just keeps on
reinforcing like a flywheel. Ilike the Stephen Covery
references.
Arthi Rabikrisson (22:23):
Yeah, no. I mean, they are great references
to the music too. Yeah.
Monika Malan (22:28):
So, yeah, it's this flywheel that just keeps on
going. And you know, once youhave prioritized your mental
health, you'll be in a positionto help other women. Again, it's
really this exponentialmovement. The more women you
help, the more women or beinghelped, which is, which is just
fantastic!
Arthi Rabikrisson (22:43):
No, absolutely. I mean, it's almost
like this paid forward type of asituation. But beyond that. You
know, we always say the impactis beyond just the person who's
receiving it. It actually goesso much further. So those are,
those are really, reallybeautiful tips. Monika, we're
coming to the end of what's beena really, really lovely
(23:04):
conversation today. I wouldreally, really enjoy it if you
could share something thatcontinues to inspire you. It
could be a poem, a quote,something spiritual, even a song
lyric, but you know, somethingthat really keeps you on your
journey of growth, both personaland professionally. What would
(23:24):
you want to share?
Monika Malan (23:25):
I recently over, I would say, over the last like
two, three years, have reallystarted digging deep into my
faith as a Christian, andsomething which is a lesson I
continuously need to learn, butit's really inspiring for me, is
that ultimately, God is incharge, and that it just kind of
gives me this ability to justaccept where I am, do what I
(23:47):
can, be kind to myself, and justtrust and have faith that
there's a higher power that'slooking out for me and that it
will all be okay in the end.
I've even got it as my my screenlock on my phone. This is a
little reminder that God is incharge.
Arthi Rabikrisson (24:03):
That's beautiful and, you know,
inspiring as well. Really,really inspiring. Monika, thank
you so much for joining me onthe podcast today. It's been
such a pleasure to have thisconversation with you.
Monika Malan (24:14):
Oh, thank you so much. This has been a really
good talk. Thank you so much forthis and for your kindness as
well.
Arthi Rabikrisson (24:21):
It's an absolute, absolute pleasure.
Thank you so much for joiningtoday.
Monika Malan (24:25):
Awesome.
Arthi Rabikrisson (24:26):
So remember listeners and subscribers, women
don't need to lead like men andto be successful. This is a key
thing that I think Monika hasactually shared with us today,
and it actually leads boldly.
Monika coaches ambitious femaleleaders to embrace their unique
strengths, to command the roomwith confidence and to advance
in their careers withoutsacrificing who they are. So if
(24:47):
you're ready to own yourleadership style, feel free to
book a free strategy call withMonika on her website,
www.sheleadsboldly.com/book Takecare. Everyone. Bye for now.
(25:10):
Thank you so much for joining meon this episode today. If you
like what you heard, rate theepisode and podcast and feel
free to write a review, plus, ofcourse, share with others too. I
love talking around topics likethese, so if you like my
perspective or insight on thesubject close to your heart or
(25:31):
something that you're grapplingwith, reach out to me in your
comments, or send me an emailvia my website, or connect with
me via LinkedIn, Instagram orFacebook all my social media is
on the podcast, information, ifit's important to you, then it's
important to you. So happylistening to the inspire your
(25:51):
life podcast and catch you soonon the next episode. Bye.
You.
Hello everyone, and welcome to the
inspire your life podcast withme, your host, Arthi
Rabikrisson,I believe we find inspiration
all around us, especially fromthe stories that we all have in
(00:36):
us. My aim with the inspire yourlife podcast is to bring some of
those real stories to light.
Stories of my guests thatresonate with you and me. It's
by listening to these storiesthat we can be inspired and
motivate ourselves to overcome,find a new path and rise even
(01:02):
higher than we thought possible.
Joining me on the show today isMonika Malan, founder of she
leads boldly. Monika is apassionate leadership coach
dedicated to helping emergingfemale leaders develop authentic
(01:25):
confidence and thrive in theircareers. With over 18 years of
experience in the corporate andIT sectors, Monika has
transformed her own journeythrough resilience, emotional
intelligence and a commitment topersonal growth. She believes
that women can be powerfulleaders while embracing their
(01:45):
unique strengths andauthenticity without needing to
conform to traditional, oftenmale dominated leadership
styles. So today, Monika isjoining us to share a bit of her
own story of courage and growthin our episode that we're
calling perspective, createprogress. Monika, a very, very
(02:05):
warm welcome to the inspire yourlife podcast today.
Monika Malan (02:09):
Oh, thank you so very much for having me. I am so
excited to be here, and I'mlooking forward to our
conversation today.
Arthi Rabikrisson (02:17):
I can't tell you how forward I am looking to
this as well, because we've beenin conversation for a little
while now, and Monika, I've justbeen sharing a little bit so
high level about yourself. I'dlove it if you could actually
tell us a bit more about you.
Monika Malan (02:32):
Oh, gosh, I have been challenging myself lately
to not answer that type ofquestion with what I do for a
living, because I'm so much morethan my job, right? So,
Arthi Rabikrisson (02:43):
correct.
Monika Malan (02:44):
I am a toddler mom. My little boy is four. He's
almost turning five. I lovebuilding puzzles. I love
reading, and currently I am busylearning French.
Arthi Rabikrisson (02:56):
Oh, that's something we have in common. I'm
also in the process of learningFrench, so we must actually
confer a little bit around that.
Monika Malan (03:06):
yeah, that would be fun.
Arthi Rabikrisson (03:09):
Anything else? I mean, those are all
great things that you're in intoanything more that you want to
share with our listeners aboutyourself?
Monika Malan (03:16):
Well, I'm very passionate about supporting
women throughout all stages. Ireally get very emotional about,
you know, supporting girls inschool, especially when it comes
to, like, their feminine careand things like that, that often
really impacts their ability tobe present and to learn as much
as they could all the waythrough to women in the
(03:38):
workplace. And I get veryunhappy when I read or hear
about women feeling like they'renot being taken seriously in the
workplace. And then I also, youknow, just the recent Olympics
that have passed, just likewatching all those like fearless
females on the Olympic sportsfields was just so inspiring. So
(03:59):
I'm very passionate about womenand what we can achieve, and I
want to do my small little partin helping us all uplift each
other.
Arthi Rabikrisson (04:08):
I love that I can hear the passion in your
voice as well as you're speakingabout it. It's also an area
that's so close to my heart aswell Monika, so there's so much
that can be done, and I'm gladthat you're going to be sharing
a bit about what your expertiseand what your advice and things
like that can be to listen thatour listeners can actually
(04:28):
experience and benefit from aswell. And I know a lot of what
you're doing when we weretalking beforehand, was coming
from a place of your ownexperience, and you had shared
with me that, you know, when youwere still in your 20s, there
was quite a tragedy thathappened in your family and that
it completely rocked you to yourcore, and I wanted you know,
(04:50):
would you be willing to share alittle bit about that with us?
Monika Malan (04:54):
Yeah, definitely.
I was 23 and I had just movedaway from home to finish my
studies. And then, while I wasbusy with my studies, because it
was part time, I got a full timejob as well. So I was away from
home, like in Cape Town,compared to Pretoria, which I
think is around 1500 kilometers,so it's quite far you it's not
(05:15):
easy to just go and visit andthen my brother unexpectedly
passed away. He was 18 at thetime, and he was in a car
accident, and it broke me, Imean, I was young. I was in a
strange place. I hadn't reallybuilt up a support network yet
in my new area, like all myvarsity and school friends were
(05:39):
in Pretoria. My family was inPretoria, and I really
struggled. I really struggled toprocess that loss. And yeah, it
was a long journey to get backfrom a very dark place I found
myself in, and it actuallyhappened round about the time
that I was first appointed to aleadership position. So it was a
(06:00):
really rocky start to my careeras a leader. But I feel my
journey of kind of findingmyself again and recovering from
that loss, the silver lining waskind of forced into emotional
maturity, you know, at a youngage, and it gave me a lot of
(06:20):
empathy, which I think is soimportant for a leader to have
empathy, and also just reallyforced me to be clear around my
boundaries and my values, whichany good leader should have. So
it really, I think, propelled mein that way. But it's not a
(06:43):
lesson I would want to wish onanyone. Or not the way I would
want anyone to learn thoselessons anyway.
Arthi Rabikrisson (06:51):
Oh, thank you so much for sharing that. And
you know, it is devastating tolose somebody that you know
you're close to family as well.
And, you know, I can onlyimagine what it must have been
like for you to just try andnavigate through this loss and
this tragedy and grief comes insuch cyclical kind of ways. You
(07:11):
know, you're good in one at onepoint, and then suddenly
something innocuous comes infront of you and you're just
overcome with so, you know,that's that devastating impact
that grief can have. And I mean,coupled with what you're saying
now in terms of this leadershiprole as well, that was also
happening at the time, where weneed to show up in a particular
(07:31):
way, and we're still, you know,battling with the different
emotions that are coming throughto you, you know, Monika. I'm so
curious, how did he actuallythen cope with this kind of
different waves of grief andneeding to be strong and so
forth during that time?
Monika Malan (07:50):
Yeah. I mean, looking back with my now
perspective, I don't actuallythink I coped that well, to be
honest, but at the time, yeah,but at the time, I did what I
could, and I think it was mybody, my brain, trying to
protect me. But I threw myselfinto my work, and I think I was
(08:13):
just not really at thebeginning, fully capable of
facing this loss and this grief,so I threw myself into my work,
but about six months later, at avery humbling experience where
my team member, one of my teammembers, came up to me and she
said, Monika, I can see you'renot okay. You're doing your
(08:35):
best, but I think you need help.
And to this day, I am sograteful she had the courage to
come and talk to me about thatbecause I didn't realize and I
think this is a trap a lot ofleaders fall into for one reason
or another. We think you can puton a front. You think you can
separate your personal and yourwork life, but it doesn't work
(08:59):
that way. And that was likequite a, you know, splash of
water in my face when shetalked, when she said that to
me. And so I took it to heart,and I started going to therapy.
I was lucky enough that myworkplace offered free
counseling sessions to staffmembers, and that's how I
(09:21):
started my therapy journey. Andit was, it was really intense.
So, I mean, I started seeing atherapist once a week, and it
was difficult. It was, it wasreally, really tough, I'm not
gonna lie. And it took me, Iwould say, probably, many years,
even before I was like, fullyrecovered, if you can ever fully
(09:43):
recover from something likethat, but I still, I still go to
therapy, not weekly, any longer,thankfully, it's no longer
necessary. But I do feel thatI've come to the understanding
that I feel therapy is soessential, and I would recommend
to everyone. I would shout itfrom the rooftops. I'm just it
makes such a big difference tohave someone impartial to speak
(10:04):
to. And, yeah, so I think interms of coping strategies, the
therapy played a large part inmy in my recovery.
Arthi Rabikrisson (10:17):
I hear you what you're saying about, you
know, having, you know, thatkind of a support, that
therapeutic support, to help youdeal with something like this.
And, you know, you're quiteright. It's not something that
you can, I mean, fully overcome,you know, again, because there's
always these moments and thesememories that will crop up Year
and Year, whether it's birthdaysor anniversaries, you know,
(10:39):
that's attached to your lovedone, where you always then cast
your mind back to what was andwhat could have been in that
time. So as I can fully imagine,you know how things must
continue to still take a tollonyou in different ways now. How
do you feel? You're coping now,though, are there still areas
(11:01):
that you feel? It's what hits mereally badly, and I worked
through that in therapy still,or do you feel, no, I look at it
a bit more fondly now, not withas much hurt or pain. Where are
you sitting at the moment withthis?
Monika Malan (11:15):
Yeah, I have definitely come a long way. So I
mean, there was a point where Icouldn't even mention my my
brother, let alone tell thestory I'm sharing today without
bursting into tears. So I'vecome a long way, but something
that a therapist early on sharedwith me, which has always stuck
with me, is she said there was astudy done where they had people
(11:35):
that had suffered loss draw apicture like a circle to
demonstrate how big the pain isin their life, and then draw a
second circle to demonstrate howmuch of this pain is a part of
their life. So if you couldimagine, it's like two circles,
one inside the the other, butthe distance between them is
(11:56):
very small, so meaning the griefis almost fully encompassing,
like it's taking you overcompletely.
And then thosesame people, about two, three
Arthi Rabikrisson (12:06):
Yeah.
years later, they asked them todo the same thing. And the
interesting part was that thesize of the circle they drew
that represented their painremained the same size, but the
size, the circle thatrepresented their life, was
bigger. And so the takeawaythere is that, you know the pain
(12:29):
is still there, the pain willnever go away, but you learn to
live with it, and you learn tomove on. And so I have come a
long way. I still have momentswhere I miss him very much,
things like when I got marriedor at the birth of my son, but
(12:49):
you learn to accept and youlearn to move on.
And you know, you're saying it's about that
progress and moving forward. AndI love that you shared what the
therapist actually shared withyou about, you know, those two
circles and how things move. I'massuming such a powerful kind of
visual, but also perspective aswell, to kind of help you think
through rationally what's goingto kind of come and happen. But
(13:14):
of course, the emotional selfthat is something that's just
more and even like today, whenyou're talking about it. It just
hits you. It comes through tothe fore. So as much as you know
that things are going on andlife is healthy, your emotions
are still are still there, andit's still a part of that part
of your life that will alwaysthere. And of course, you know
(13:35):
how beautiful that you know, asyou said earlier, the
perspective that you got fromyour colleague that actually
then made you realize that dowant to get support here,
because it's clearly veryvisible. And these are the
things that I think willcontinue to help our listeners
to keep identifying what's keyin terms of potentially holding
(13:58):
us back, but potentially also inhelping us take those first
steps forward. So Monika and I'dlove to know what are some of
the lessons that you've takenaway over the years. That's, you
know, like we said, it's it'shelped you move forward. It's
shaping your journey. It'sbringing you to where you are
right now and today. What wouldyou want to share with our
(14:22):
listeners in terms of those?
Monika Malan (14:24):
Yeah, well, my main takeaway, and something I
strongly stand behind, is thatpeople are people first, and
they're your workers, your coworkers, your employees, second,
maybe even last, depending onwhat other roles they have. And
(14:45):
so something that I don't knowif preach is the right word, but
I always tell the people thatreport me, the people in my
team, I'm like, put your familyfirst. Work will be there. Work
is work, but your family mightnot always be there. And when my
brother was in the car accidentinitially, so he didn't pass
(15:05):
away on impact. He was actuallyin critical care for about a
week before he passed away. Andso at the time of the accident,
when my father notified me whathad happened, he was still
alive. And I mean, look, I wasyoung, but I debated for quite a
while as to whether I shouldjust come up to Pretoria to be
(15:27):
with my family. I wasn't, Imean, I was new. This was my
first job. Like, do I just tellthem I'm not coming to work like
this wasn't planned. I didn'treally know what to do. So it
took me a while to reach thedecision to come up to my family
and consequences be damned, I'mvery lucky that my manager was a
very caring and compassionateperson. So he stood behind me
(15:49):
100% and he accepted theunplanned leave, and I was with
my brother before he passedaway. And if I hadn't done that,
I would have regretted it forthe rest of my life. And so that
is a lesson that I want to teacheverybody else, especially now
that I'm a mom. It puts it in awhole new perspective, and like
(16:12):
my family comes first, it's oneof my core values, is family,
and I want that for everyoneelse as well. So if I don't want
you to hesitate when it comes toto your family, like choosing
between family and work, andthat's why I think it's so
important for people to knowwhat their values are, because
it will make these types ofdecisions a lot easier. So there
(16:36):
was that lesson and then youknow the obvious one, which is
that life is short. So I mean,if you are in a place in your
life where you are not happy, ifyou're not happy at your work,
if you are not happy in arelationship, then do something
about it, because life is shortand you should be enjoying it,
(16:57):
not hating life. So yeah,
Arthi Rabikrisson (17:00):
I think those are such beautiful, simple, but,
you know, very, very well saidas well, and so much of meaning
behind it too. And I can onlyimagine how this has coward you
to what you're doing now in thecoaching space. Do you want to
share a little bit about that,in terms of how this has sort of
catapulted you into the coachingspace, and you know, bringing
(17:22):
these lessons into what youoffer in your business.
Monika Malan (17:25):
Yeah, I, like I said, I feel women, especially,
have been conditioned from ayoung age to be people pleasers,
to put other people's needsahead of ourselves. And how that
translates in the workplace isthat we often take on more than
what we should more than what weare given credit for or
(17:50):
compensated for. And I'm talkingabout things like, you know, who
does the coffee runs, who doesthe meeting notes, who does the
team build planning? Who does Imean, unless that's your role,
you're not being compensated forthat. I mean, it's let's just be
brutally honest. And so I wantto help women identify their
(18:10):
values, identify theirstrengths, and then teach them
how to play to those strengthsand how to use their values to
make confident decisions and toimplement boundaries and to say
no when it's no, and not feelguilty about it, and not want to
just people please for the sakeof it, because it's a vicious
(18:31):
circle. So you want to peopleplease, and you want to not
cause a ruckus. You don't wantconflict, but then you get upset
because you're not treated withauthority, or you don't know how
to be confident, or people speakover you, or they don't respect
you, but it ultimately startswith yourself, and if you know
what you stand for and what yourvalues are, it just makes
(18:53):
navigating that type of dynamica lot easier.
Arthi Rabikrisson (18:56):
Absolutely, and I can I can hear the
parallels as well. You know fromyour lessons that you were
talking about and how you'reworking with women in this
space, you know, it's, it's kindof like you're just allowing
women to, you know, just findtheir voices again. Would that
be accurate?
Monika Malan (19:11):
Yes, I like that.
Arthi Rabikrisson (19:14):
Because, as you're saying, there's just so
much that it's piled on us. Imean, not withstanding our own
sense of guilt around thingsthat we're doing and the
different roles that we play,and where we always feel is that
we should be doing more. Shedoes own so much that one of
them right? So in terms of, youknow, your your coaching
practice and and anything elsethat you might have, in terms of
(19:37):
the business, where, where doyou envision that going and
growing, and how do you want toget there?
Monika Malan (19:42):
I primarily want a community where women can get
together and support each otherand grow together. I want this
to be a global community,because I feel we can grow by
lifting each other up, and wewomen that are further along in
their leadership journey canhelp those that are just
starting. Because the sad truthis, is that in a lot of
(20:07):
workplaces, it's scary to askfor help with the people you
work from you don't like,depending on the culture,
there's a lot of backstabbing.
Not all women want to supporteach other, some step on each
other. So you may not feelcomfortable in your workplace to
ask for help. There may not beother female leaders that you
can turn to for help. So I wantto provide this community for
(20:27):
female leaders to grow andsupport each other. That really
is my ultimate goal, and I amlaunching a membership soon. I
don't I'm not entirely sure whenthis episode will air, but yes,
I'm launching the membershipsoon, which will help hopefully
plant the seeds of what thiscommunity could one day be. So I
(20:51):
am very excited about that.
Arthi Rabikrisson (20:56):
That does sound very, very exciting, and
especially the community piecetoo. I mean, I think you're
right. We do tend to feed offeach other, especially in a
supportive environments. I thinkthat's that's really beautiful,
and, of course, global as welltoo. That's great. Yeah. So what
would you offer then, Monika, interms of, you know, women were
feeling, you know, a bitstifled, or feeling like they're
(21:19):
running ragged, what would be acouple of tips that you could
offer them today?
Monika Malan (21:25):
Well, I want you to prioritize your mental
health. It's important toremember that you can't care for
anyone else until you yourselfare taken care of. So do
prioritize your mental healthand do some work to identify
your values. Like I said, mostof us have, like, a vague sense
(21:46):
of what we stand for, but youknow, we can't really articulate
it. So I would encourage thosewomen to dig deep and identify
like three to five core valuesand then use those values to
make your decisions, to set yourboundaries and stick to it, and
by sticking to those boundaries,by making values decisions that
(22:10):
align with your values, you arealso prioritizing your mental
health. And yeah, it's all likethis circle that just keeps on
reinforcing like a flywheel. Ilike the Stephen Covery
references.
Arthi Rabikrisson (22:23):
Yeah, no. I mean, they are great references
to the music too. Yeah.
Monika Malan (22:28):
So, yeah, it's this flywheel that just keeps on
going. And you know, once youhave prioritized your mental
health, you'll be in a positionto help other women. Again, it's
really this exponentialmovement. The more women you
help, the more women or beinghelped, which is, which is just
fantastic!
Arthi Rabikrisson (22:43):
No, absolutely. I mean, it's almost
like this paid forward type of asituation. But beyond that. You
know, we always say the impactis beyond just the person who's
receiving it. It actually goesso much further. So those are,
those are really, reallybeautiful tips. Monika, we're
coming to the end of what's beena really, really lovely
(23:04):
conversation today. I wouldreally, really enjoy it if you
could share something thatcontinues to inspire you. It
could be a poem, a quote,something spiritual, even a song
lyric, but you know, somethingthat really keeps you on your
journey of growth, both personaland professionally. What would
(23:24):
you want to share?
Monika Malan (23:25):
I recently over, I would say, over the last like
two, three years, have reallystarted digging deep into my
faith as a Christian, andsomething which is a lesson I
continuously need to learn, butit's really inspiring for me, is
that ultimately, God is incharge, and that it just kind of
gives me this ability to justaccept where I am, do what I
(23:47):
can, be kind to myself, and justtrust and have faith that
there's a higher power that'slooking out for me and that it
will all be okay in the end.
I've even got it as my my screenlock on my phone. This is a
little reminder that God is incharge.
Arthi Rabikrisson (24:03):
That's beautiful and, you know,
inspiring as well. Really,really inspiring. Monika, thank
you so much for joining me onthe podcast today. It's been
such a pleasure to have thisconversation with you.
Monika Malan (24:14):
Oh, thank you so much. This has been a really
good talk. Thank you so much forthis and for your kindness as
well.
Arthi Rabikrisson (24:21):
It's an absolute, absolute pleasure.
Thank you so much for joiningtoday.
Monika Malan (24:25):
Awesome.
Arthi Rabikrisson (24:26):
So remember listeners and subscribers, women
don't need to lead like men andto be successful. This is a key
thing that I think Monika hasactually shared with us today,
and it actually leads boldly.
Monika coaches ambitious femaleleaders to embrace their unique
strengths, to command the roomwith confidence and to advance
in their careers withoutsacrificing who they are. So if
(24:47):
you're ready to own yourleadership style, feel free to
book a free strategy call withMonika on her website,
www.sheleadsboldly.com/book Takecare. Everyone. Bye for now.
(25:10):
Thank you so much for joining meon this episode today. If you
like what you heard, rate theepisode and podcast and feel
free to write a review, plus, ofcourse, share with others too. I
love talking around topics likethese, so if you like my
perspective or insight on thesubject close to your heart or
(25:31):
something that you're grapplingwith, reach out to me in your
comments, or send me an emailvia my website, or connect with
me via LinkedIn, Instagram orFacebook all my social media is
on the podcast, information, ifit's important to you, then it's
important to you. So happylistening to the inspire your
(25:51):
life podcast and catch you soonon the next episode. Bye.
You.
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