November 7, 2023 • 33 mins
Imagine transforming your relationships into powerful tools for personal growth. That's exactly what we're going to do in this episode, where we unveil the art of nurturing and supporting relationships, particularly in midlife. We begin our journey by shedding light on how to switch from a judgment-based approach to a data-based one when handling conflicts. We also share 10 pivotal guidelines that will help you build and maintain flourishing relationships, and we delve into the power of connection and the significance of getting your needs met.
Do you find conflict resolution challenging? Well, we've got you covered! This episode is all about mastering the skill of effective communication in resolving conflicts. We'll show you how to truly listen, see things from the other person's perspective, and take ownership of your own emotions. We also discuss the importance of establishing boundaries and crafting resolutions that are mutually beneficial.
In the final part of our episode, we focus on owning our emotions and setting boundaries. We explore the subtle difference between boundaries and requests, and how recognizing our own feelings can lead to more nurturing and supportive relationships. We teach you how to use 'I' statements for effective and honest communication. By the end of this episode, you'll find yourself better equipped to handle brave and vulnerable conversations, manage relationships, and approach conflict in a way that is both respectful and honest. Join us on this transformative journey and turn your relationships into a source of personal growth and fulfillment.
Join us in the Modern Midlife Mentorship.
CONNECT with Inviting Shift on Social:
Email me and tell me what you think: christina@christina-smith.com
Tune in wherever you listen to podcasts:
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Christina Smith (00:00):
Hey, welcome back shifters.
I'm Christina, your host, andthis week I really want to talk
about relationships, and therelationships I want to talk
about are any kind ofrelationships.
They can be relationships withfamily, relationships with
friends, with your partner,whatever it is.
These are some really greattools I'm going to share with
(00:20):
you today in order to have thenurturing and supportive
relationships that we want.
I want to tell you that I didnot grow up with these skills.
These were skills that I had athome over time, because I had
to find more of my own power.
In relationships.
I used to sit like a victim,going, oh, they're doing this,
(00:42):
they're doing that, they'resaying this, they're doing that,
and I would just hope that theychanged.
Or I would try to, as my firstmarriage, try to shame them into
changing.
The same way, I would change myown behavior and I would try to
control them, instead ofcontrolling what is really
important, which is me and whatI expect in my perspective and
(01:04):
what I own.
We're going to talk about today, about relationships that are
nurturing and supportive,because it's one of the biggest
questions I get about havingfriends in midlife, having a
better relationship in midlife,maybe after the kids and all the
things and the jobs and thecareers.
You've kind of grown apart.
(01:24):
How do we get that nurturingand supportive part of our
relationships back?
The one thing I want you toknow that relationships are for
us.
They are a personal growth tool.
This has been so important.
The relationships I've had inthe last 15 years have taught me
a lot about myself, notnecessarily about how people are
(01:47):
or generalizing, but what is itthat I am learning about myself
by being in relationship?
Those are going to be some ofthe tools that we're going to
share today, because when Ilearn more about myself, I know
how to express myself better.
I know how to nurture andsupport other people.
I know how to build boundariesso that I am creating nurturing,
(02:09):
supporting relationships.
What I want you to know aboutrelationships whether it's
friends, partners, family noneof them are perfect.
I know that we have these fairytale dreams of we're going to
meet our prince charming andmagic.
Magic is going to happen andhappily ever after.
What Disney failed to tell youis how they actually build and
(02:31):
maintain that relationship overthe long haul, not just over
this.
Happily ever after, happilyever after doesn't work that way
, even with friendships.
Friendships have phases thatthey go through, and so there's
going to be some times where weare connected more than others.
That's okay.
(02:53):
But the tools I'm going toshare with you today I have
these 10 guidelines, orencouraged behaviors for
nurturing and supportiverelationships, and I want you to
remember of course we can'tchange the other person and
often we think it's the otherperson who needs to change.
We're going to discuss that.
But a lot can change in ourrelationships because if I
(03:17):
change the way that I'm reactingto you, you then have to change
how you're reacting to me.
If I make a boundary and I say,hey, this doesn't feel safe for
me, I'm going to walk away.
We can't still have thisconflict.
It can't just keep going backthe same cycle of yelling at
each other or whatever happens.
That can't stay the same.
(03:39):
So when one person changes inrelationship, it does change the
relationship for better orworse.
So let's go over these 10encouraged behaviors I have.
The first one that I want us toremember is even though we don't
like being in conflict,conflict happens.
We're different people.
We have different experiences.
We're going to experiencethings in a different way.
(04:01):
What I think is a greatintention for you, you might
take negatively or that I'minsulting you, and so we have to
remember that in conflict, weare on the same side, and this
is very different than ourculture.
Our culture is very competitive.
I have to be right, you have tobe right.
One of those has to happen, butthat's.
(04:22):
We're not on the opposite sidefrom this person, from this
relationship.
What is on the other side isthe conflict Me and my
relationship, me and my friend,my partner, my family member.
We're on the same side.
We want to figure this out sothat we can be in connection.
What's on the other side is theconflict, and so when we think
(04:43):
about it that way, we startapproaching the conflict and
taking apart the conflictinstead of approaching and
taking apart the other person,which isn't going to be helpful
in conflict.
So the first thing that Ireally want us to bring into our
every cell of our skin is thatwhen I'm in conflict with
another person, the conflict ison the other side.
(05:05):
That person is next to me, andwe're going to try to figure
this out so that we can both getour needs met.
That's the important thing,right?
The important thing is that weare in connection.
That's the intention of theconflict, of getting through the
conflict, is that we wanna beconnected, and so the conflict
(05:26):
is on the other side, and thenwe can start approaching it more
data-based rather thanjudgment-based, because when
there's somebody else on theother side, ooh, we wanna throw
judgments, we wanna think aboutthe judgments they might be
giving us, and all of that isbreaking down our relationship,
not building it.
The second one is and I'm sureyou've heard this before, but of
(05:46):
course I have to repeat itbecause it's so, so, so
important is that we arelistening to understand the
other person.
And when we're in a conflict,our ego comes up and all of a
sudden they're telling ussomething and our brain's going
oh well, I know what I'm gonnasay, I'm gonna say this and what
about that, and what about this?
Right, we don't wanna do that.
(06:09):
Let's take a moment, take abreath, bring the emotional
level down and really try totalk it out by listening, listen
, listen, listen, ask goodquestions and listen right,
because, again, we're notfighting this person.
We're listening so that we canunderstand the conflict deeper,
(06:29):
because the more we canunderstand the conflict, the
more we can unravel it andcreate solutions.
So, listening to understand.
I even heard people say listenmore than you talk, listen more
than you think about talking.
Right, so listening for thepoint of understanding, not for
responding.
(06:50):
The third tool I wanna talkabout today is to understand
from their perspective, notyours.
Again, we all have experiencesand wounds and all kinds of
triggers and stories we tellourselves.
Those are all ours, those areall ours.
(07:11):
So we wanna understand fromtheir experiences, from their
wounds, from their understandingwhere they're coming from, so
that we don't make assumptions,because assumptions are probably
one of the major reasons forconflict in the first place.
And so when we understand fromtheir perspective, it's gonna
(07:34):
look a little different.
Our behaviors, our reactionsmay look different than what we
think they do on our side.
The fourth one is if you'reholding a grudge, talk it out.
And this one is not easy if youare a people pleaser, because
if you're a people pleaseryou'll just go oh, I can deal
(07:55):
with that, that's no problem.
I don't wanna bring it up,don't wanna have a conflict or a
conversation about it.
I really just wanna get past it, sweep it under the rug.
But what happens with that iswe start sweeping a lot under
the rug, we keep ignoring theselittle things, these little
things, these little things, andeither not doing the work on it
(08:16):
ourselves or not bringing it tothe relationship to discuss is
a big struggle.
And I'm gonna talk about somemore tools, about how we have
these conversations.
Those are like the next fourskills, right?
So I just want you to reallysit with it, like, is this
something that you need to bringup?
(08:36):
Because in 10 years, if thishabit, this action, this way of
talking to you has escalated, itlike where do we stop it?
And what I've found is, when Istart having a little bit of a
problem, that's the best time tobring it up.
It doesn't mean that we'regonna be able to change them.
(08:56):
We're gonna talk about that toeither do the work within
ourselves and then bring outanything that we might need to
bring out in conversation.
It might be by the time we doour own work on it that we
realize it's really us and ourown judgments and there's really
nothing that they can do aboutit to change it.
It's just the way that we needto see it from a different
(09:21):
perspective or shift the waythat we are showing up so that
we get more of what we want.
The next one is ownership, andthis one is really challenging.
In fact, I used to have a wholeworkshop about whose problem is
it anyway, and that workshop isactually within the Confident,
connected and Impactful CoachingProgram.
(09:45):
It's a whole session on whoseproblem is it?
Because this is something thatwomen used to bring to me all
the time, like, oh, I'm havingthis problem with my husband or
my friend or whatever, and Idon't know if I'm doing
something wrong.
If they're doing somethingwrong, who needs to change their
behavior in this?
I don't even know, like, whoseproblem is this?
(10:05):
I feel like it's his problem,but I'm the one getting angry.
Well, if you're the one gettingangry or some kind of emotional
trigger, you are the one withthe problem.
The other person is probablyoff, not even knowing that this
is a problem or at leastunderstanding the degree to
which it is a problem for you.
So, starting to pull that apart, who's having the emotional
(10:28):
impact here?
If I'm getting angry, if I'mgetting furious, if I'm feeling
shame, if I'm feeling fear,that's all about me and I have
to start pulling that apart andseeing where am I disempowering
myself.
Right, where am I disempoweringmyself?
(10:49):
I do want to excuse extremeabusive relationships from this.
That's a whole differentpsychology.
These are for our regular,everyday kind of relationships.
But we do want to look at youknow.
If I'm the one feeling fear,what is it that's going on for
me?
Is there something I need toask from you?
Is it something a conversationwe need to have?
(11:10):
Am I just fearful because I'mnot creating good boundaries for
myself, that I haven't creatednon-negotiables for my
relationship, which can bereally important understanding
what I am and am not going todeal with in a relationship
Again, whether that's a partner,friendship or a family member,
but ownership and understanding.
(11:32):
How am I contributing to this?
And a lot of times it's we'rejust angry because we have to
create boundaries and we don'twant to.
We just want that other personto show up how we expect them to
, so that we don't have tochange anything, and that's very
disempowering.
That's a very much a woundedchild kind of energy where I
(11:55):
just want you to fix what'sgoing on and I'm not really
going to take part in it.
And even if the other personhas a serious problem let's say
addiction or mental health wecan still create boundaries.
In fact, that's what they'remade for.
It's for us to createboundaries.
We're going to talk aboutboundaries in a second, but
before we go there, if we aregoing to have a conversation
(12:18):
with someone, let's just say aconversation.
I want to explain to you what'shappening for me.
Let me repeat that Aconversation starts with I.
I want to share with you what'sgoing on with me, not what
you're doing, not what you'resaying, not how I perceive that
(12:39):
you're wrong.
Those are not ways to have aconversation.
What we want to advocate for isour own needs and wants.
Wow, when you say this, I starttelling myself all kinds of
stories about myself, about notbeing good enough or being too
much, or we can even get moregeneral than that.
(13:01):
When people tell me this, Istart telling myself all kinds
of stories.
I know that that's my problem,that's part of my wounds from my
past, that's my experience andthat's what happens for me.
I statements as much aspossible.
(13:22):
This is about me, how I feel,what I'm willing to deal with
and what I'm not willing to dealwith.
We have to be really clearabout that within ourselves.
Before we have thatconversation with someone, I
would love you to journal itdown and use all I statements
and see how it turns out,because it's going to feel a
(13:43):
little bit different when we'rein that wounded child having
conflict.
We automatically want to blameand shame everyone else because
we're not really empowered fromthat tiny part of ourselves.
We need to use a more adultarchetype within ourselves to
get to the point where this iswhat's not working for me.
(14:06):
This is not what's not workingfor me.
If I can get that out, here'swhat I would like.
You may not get what you want,but it's bringing up things that
bother us from a very honestthis is what happens for me kind
of situation, so important.
(14:27):
This is what happens for me,because then we're getting
vulnerable.
If we come right out the doorwith the accusations, who wants
to respond to a bunch ofaccusations?
No one.
We get defensive, our ego getsup and all of a sudden, all we
want to do is like compete andfight, and that's losing that
(14:47):
first rule of nurturing andsupportive relationships that we
went over, which is we are noton the opposite sides, we are
together and the problem is onthe other side.
And so all I'm doing isspeaking from my side.
What's happening for me, whatI'm experiencing, what's going
on, and I want to go over thefact that the other person is
(15:11):
not making you, they're notmaking you angry, they're not
making you frustrated, they'renot making you sad, they're not
making you fearful, they're notmaking you feel shame.
That's all what's going onwithin ourselves.
This is the hardest point I everhad to get through with
relationships, and havingnurturing and supportive ones is
that I have to take ownershipfor what is mine, and what is
(15:35):
mine are my feelings and thereason those feelings are coming
up.
Let's just say it may notbother another person what you
just said to me, but to me itreally bothers me, and the
reason is because I have all ofthese experiences.
I have all of these wounds, allof these old triggers, all of
(15:58):
these ego struggles right, allthese emotional stories that I
tell myself.
That's all mine.
That's all mine.
I could easily ignore what youjust said or, you know, brush it
off, if I didn't have all ofthose triggers and experiences.
So when I say that relationshipsare personal growth, this is
(16:21):
the part when we start owningwhat's ours our wounds, our
triggers, our old experiencesthat we've gathered up to tell
ourselves that we're not enoughor too much.
That's all me.
That's mine to own.
You can't make me feel anyway.
You can say something and thenmy brain can make up stories
(16:43):
from the past and fill in gapsand make assumptions about why
it is that you're doing orsaying whatever you're doing.
But those are just.
That's not data, that's just mebeing assumptive that if you're
in a bad mood it must be aboutme.
It could have nothing to dowith me.
But the reason I'm gettingtriggered is because of all this
(17:03):
stuff that I have in mybackpack that I've been walking
around with all the time.
So we want to really look atthat.
The other person isn't makingyou, but what we can learn from
that is coming out with thoseeye statements that, wow, I'm
getting really angry when hesays that.
Why?
Why am I getting really angrywhen he says that?
(17:23):
And understanding what Ibelieve the implications of that
statement was right, ratherthan you know, asking the other
person clearly, hey, I'm notunderstanding what was the
intent behind that.
How are you hoping I wouldreact to that and then being
(17:44):
able to have that conversation?
Because here's what's happeningfor me and owning it for
ourselves.
These are my wounds, my stories.
I'm the one torturing myself.
It's a stories that create allthat uncomfortable emotions.
I don't call them negative, Icall them uncomfortable.
It's the stories that I'mtelling myself in my head about
(18:06):
what you're doing and sayingthat is actually creating that.
Rather than saying I don'tbelieve you, that's not what I
do, we're standing up forourselves or even owning it and
saying, yeah, sometimes I showup like a jerk and the fact that
you just pointed out, oh, Icould feel that emotion coming
on.
I'm starting to feel a littleshame.
But it's not you that's makingme feel shame.
(18:29):
It's the stories I'm tellingmyself about what you said.
It's very, very hard.
So if you have any questionsabout this or you're going
through something hard, I'dreally love you to reach out and
let's have a conversation aboutwhat is yours and what is not
yours.
Okay, the next thing I want totalk about is this huge
(18:51):
difference between boundariesand requests.
Okay, so let's start withboundaries, because I think
it'll make requests a lotclearer later.
But boundaries often peoplethink that boundaries are like I
don't like you smoking, so Idon't want you to smoke around
(19:12):
me.
Well, that's a request.
A boundary is what I'm gonna dofor me to keep me safe.
So if I don't like smoking orI'm allergic to cigarette smoke.
When I see you light up, I'mgonna walk away.
That's what I'm gonna do, right?
It's not making the other personchange anything.
(19:32):
We don't have control of theiractions for what they say.
We can simply make a boundaryfor ourselves, and I would say,
80% of the time, that's all weneed to do.
The reason we don't do it isbecause we don't like to, we
don't want to do the work.
If the other person would justshow up the way that we expect
(19:53):
them to, the right way right,according to us, the right way,
meaning our way then I wouldn'thave to put up boundaries.
Well, good luck on that.
We're all human beings.
We tramps over each other'sboundaries because we don't
really know where other people'sboundaries are.
I probably have boundarieswhere you don't, and vice versa.
So boundaries are about me.
(20:15):
It's what I'm going to do tokeep myself safe in this
situation.
Right?
It might be that if we're gonnaraise our voices or call names
call each other names then we'regonna end the argument until
we've cooled down and we cantalk with a clearer point of
view in a regular conversation,right?
(20:38):
So it might be something likethat, but it's not controlling
the other person because wecan't do that.
What we can do and I believethis is number eight what we can
do is make a request, and arequest can be vulnerable
because again, we're coming fromthe I statements.
When we had that conversationthe other day, man, I was
(21:02):
feeling here's what happened forme, here's the triggers and the
stories that came up for me.
And what I really love is, ifwe didn't call each other names
when we got in arguments, thatif we didn't raise our voices
when we get in arguments, that'sa request.
Can we agree to not go to theseparts?
(21:24):
Can we agree on that?
Can you try to commit to that?
Because we know even we breakour own commitments sometimes.
So can we try to commit to thisas a way of being?
That's a request and it takesvulnerability.
Normally people pleasers we wantto sweep that right under the
(21:45):
rug and go.
I can just get over it.
I can just get over it.
But in order to have reallynurturing supportive
relationships, this is the kindof information we want to share.
We want to share vulnerablestuff because it helps us get
more connected and any conflictthat I've ever seen in a good
relationship often ends upmaking that relationship so much
(22:07):
stronger, having these hardconversations, making these hard
requests, it actually cancreate more connection within us
, because we're being vulnerable.
We are showing the other personthat I really want to be in
connection with you instead ofjust ghosting you, right?
(22:28):
Because that's the new thing isthat if I have a problem with
you, I'll just go find anotherfriend, another partner, another
whatever, and so we don't keepworking through these things.
But these are the true skillsof relationships and I can't
imagine that there's many reallylong connected, loving
(22:49):
friendships or partnerships thatdon't go through these
conflicts and sometimes have tomake requests.
So the other thing withrequests is you may not get what
you want.
Even if the other person couldpromise that or wants to promise
that, it doesn't mean thatthey're able.
So there's many reasons whypeople can't fulfill our
(23:10):
requests.
One of them could be they don'twant to.
Another one might be they don'tfeel like they need to change
the way that they are, and oneof them is that they may not be
capable.
My husband's got a terriblememory.
He's constantly forgettingthings.
We could have just discussed anhour ago what we were doing
(23:33):
tonight for dinner and inanother hour he'll ask me again
and this stuff can reallyirritate me, right, it can
really irritate me that it'slike I'm all ready to go out to
dinner and he's like what'sgoing on?
I'm making dinner and I'm likeI thought we just said right,
and so I used to get reallyfrustrated.
Well, I could request that heremember more stuff, but it's
(23:57):
not going to happen.
We've tried it many times.
There are some things I can doto help him remember things, but
I can't force him to remember,just like I couldn't force
myself to run a four-minute mile.
Okay, it's just not going tohappen in my life.
And so we can only expect thatthey can say yes to the things
(24:19):
that they are capable andwilling to commit to.
And it still may not be perfect, so we may not always get what
we want, but then what we do iswe take care of ourselves, we
create those boundaries.
Well, great, then what?
Here's the thing If we say thatwe're going to go to dinner
with Joneses at 6 pm, I'm goingto be ready at 6 pm.
(24:41):
If he's not ready at 6 pm, I'llgo to the restaurant.
He can meet me there, right?
That's a boundary I can makefor myself.
If I really hate being late.
I can also say I'm going to tryto help him remember by telling
him 20 minutes in advance.
But that's for me, right?
Some people are like I don'twant to care, take the other
person, then don't.
But one of the ways that I knowmy husband's going to remember
(25:04):
is if I tell him 15 to 20minutes in advance.
That's about the expanse of hismemory sometimes, and so if I
make practical boundaries likethat for myself, that I'm going
to, hey, I'm going to remind himonce a day.
That's for me.
So I feel comfortable.
Just so we're clear I'm notdoing that for him, I'm not
(25:24):
caretaking him, I don't have todo it.
It's not something I promised.
So, knowing the differencebetween requests and boundaries,
we always can make boundaries,we always can make requests, but
with requests we may not getwhat we want.
So sometimes, doing the workwithin ourselves to be like,
well, what is it that I actuallyneed out of the situation?
How can I get that?
(25:46):
How can I make a boundary sothat I can ensure that I am
getting what I need?
Okay, two more.
One of them is that I want youto start celebrating each other
Something so silly when I waslittle is that women or girls
were discouraged from boastingor showing off or celebrating
(26:07):
their good stuff, because whatif their friends were not having
the same luck?
What if their friends didn'thave anything to celebrate?
I think that's BS.
I think that when we giveourselves a chance to celebrate
ourselves and others, we'remodeling it for other people.
We're modeling how to be reallyhappy for somebody.
Compersion is a term that I gethappy when you're happy, right,
(26:32):
that's like a true love is thatwhen something good is going on
for you, even if it's not goingon for me, I feel good about it
.
I feel happy for your happy,and so celebrating each other a
lot, I think is so important.
The last one I want to talkabout is have the conversation.
(26:53):
You would be surprised how manytimes that we choose not to
have that conversation and thenwhat happens is either we
distance ourselves from thatperson with fewer calls or fewer
connections, or we do thisother thing where we just start
(27:13):
having a generic relationshipwith them, not really nurturing
or supporting, kind of justdealing with each other because
I have so many judgments aboutyou and I haven't talked about
them and what they do for me.
Right, we're not talking aboutour judgments of them.
But what's behind that judgment?
Usually behind that judgment isthey're not doing it the way
(27:35):
that I wanted it.
I'm not getting what I wantbecause I haven't asked for what
I want.
You know what I mean, thosekinds of things.
And so when we get into midlife, I hope that we can just let go
of ghosting, because even ifyou don't want to continue a
relationship with this personpartner, friend or family it's
(27:56):
still the best to get it out inthe air.
We honor our relationships bybeing honest with them.
Hey look, I can't really befriends with you anymore.
I'm doing all this personalgrowth work and you always seem
so negative and every time Ibring up something exciting
about me, you just poop all overit.
(28:17):
So that may not be arelationship that you want to
have, but it's always good topractice those hard
conversations because you knowwhat.
Your friend or your husband maynot even know that he's doing
it, they're doing it right.
They may think everything'sfine, and then all of a sudden
you're gone.
And of course you can do thatif you want.
(28:40):
There's no rule against itother than my encouraged
behaviors.
But I think even if therelationship doesn't work out.
It'll help you practice havingthose very vulnerable
conversations, having thosereally soft conversations, using
those eye statements, makingrequests if you need to but
boundaries when you have toright.
(29:01):
So relationships are not Disneyfairy tale stories,
unfortunately, and they're evenmore beautiful than that.
Every time I've had a conflictwith my husband, we have worked
through it and you know whathappens is I trust him more.
I know that if we have anotherconflict he's not going to get
(29:22):
up and leave.
I trust him to have theconversations, the really hard,
authentic, vulnerableconversations with me and
because of that I trust thathe's going to be here.
I trust that he doesn't haveill intentions for me, because
all of the times in the past Ithought he had ill intentions.
We talked it out, I got to seeit from his perspective and I
(29:46):
was like I was making someassumptions about your behavior
or your words and that's notreally where you were coming
from.
And I think so manyrelationships we skip this step
and we don't have thatvulnerable conversation, we
don't seek to understand what'sgoing on for the other person
and we have completely differentperspectives over what's going
(30:07):
on where, if we just worked itout, we could then approach the
problem together rather thanagainst each other, and when we
can do that, I can speak myneeds in once, you can speak
your needs in once and we candecide how it is that we can be
in connection with each otherand get our needs met.
It's so important.
(30:29):
I hope that you'll try some ofthese out.
I hope that you'll have a braveconversation this week.
If you do reach out, I'd loveto hear about it and hear how it
goes.
I'd love to chat you up andfigure out how you can approach
these harder conversations.
Let's work it out so you feelreally good and confident about
(30:49):
having these really sensitive,vulnerable conversations.
I hope this has been helpful.
I hope you have a great weekand I'll talk to you all later.
Hey, welcome back shifters.
I'm Christina, your host, andthis week I really want to talk
about relationships, and therelationships I want to talk
about are any kind ofrelationships.
They can be relationships withfamily, relationships with
friends, with your partner,whatever it is.
These are some really greattools I'm going to share with
(00:20):
you today in order to have thenurturing and supportive
relationships that we want.
I want to tell you that I didnot grow up with these skills.
These were skills that I had athome over time, because I had
to find more of my own power.
In relationships.
I used to sit like a victim,going, oh, they're doing this,
(00:42):
they're doing that, they'resaying this, they're doing that,
and I would just hope that theychanged.
Or I would try to, as my firstmarriage, try to shame them into
changing.
The same way, I would change myown behavior and I would try to
control them, instead ofcontrolling what is really
important, which is me and whatI expect in my perspective and
(01:04):
what I own.
We're going to talk about today, about relationships that are
nurturing and supportive,because it's one of the biggest
questions I get about havingfriends in midlife, having a
better relationship in midlife,maybe after the kids and all the
things and the jobs and thecareers.
You've kind of grown apart.
(01:24):
How do we get that nurturingand supportive part of our
relationships back?
The one thing I want you toknow that relationships are for
us.
They are a personal growth tool.
This has been so important.
The relationships I've had inthe last 15 years have taught me
a lot about myself, notnecessarily about how people are
(01:47):
or generalizing, but what is itthat I am learning about myself
by being in relationship?
Those are going to be some ofthe tools that we're going to
share today, because when Ilearn more about myself, I know
how to express myself better.
I know how to nurture andsupport other people.
I know how to build boundariesso that I am creating nurturing,
(02:09):
supporting relationships.
What I want you to know aboutrelationships whether it's
friends, partners, family noneof them are perfect.
I know that we have these fairytale dreams of we're going to
meet our prince charming andmagic.
Magic is going to happen andhappily ever after.
What Disney failed to tell youis how they actually build and
(02:31):
maintain that relationship overthe long haul, not just over
this.
Happily ever after, happilyever after doesn't work that way
, even with friendships.
Friendships have phases thatthey go through, and so there's
going to be some times where weare connected more than others.
That's okay.
(02:53):
But the tools I'm going toshare with you today I have
these 10 guidelines, orencouraged behaviors for
nurturing and supportiverelationships, and I want you to
remember of course we can'tchange the other person and
often we think it's the otherperson who needs to change.
We're going to discuss that.
But a lot can change in ourrelationships because if I
(03:17):
change the way that I'm reactingto you, you then have to change
how you're reacting to me.
If I make a boundary and I say,hey, this doesn't feel safe for
me, I'm going to walk away.
We can't still have thisconflict.
It can't just keep going backthe same cycle of yelling at
each other or whatever happens.
That can't stay the same.
(03:39):
So when one person changes inrelationship, it does change the
relationship for better orworse.
So let's go over these 10encouraged behaviors I have.
The first one that I want us toremember is even though we don't
like being in conflict,conflict happens.
We're different people.
We have different experiences.
We're going to experiencethings in a different way.
(04:01):
What I think is a greatintention for you, you might
take negatively or that I'minsulting you, and so we have to
remember that in conflict, weare on the same side, and this
is very different than ourculture.
Our culture is very competitive.
I have to be right, you have tobe right.
One of those has to happen, butthat's.
(04:22):
We're not on the opposite sidefrom this person, from this
relationship.
What is on the other side isthe conflict Me and my
relationship, me and my friend,my partner, my family member.
We're on the same side.
We want to figure this out sothat we can be in connection.
What's on the other side is theconflict, and so when we think
(04:43):
about it that way, we startapproaching the conflict and
taking apart the conflictinstead of approaching and
taking apart the other person,which isn't going to be helpful
in conflict.
So the first thing that Ireally want us to bring into our
every cell of our skin is thatwhen I'm in conflict with
another person, the conflict ison the other side.
(05:05):
That person is next to me, andwe're going to try to figure
this out so that we can both getour needs met.
That's the important thing,right?
The important thing is that weare in connection.
That's the intention of theconflict, of getting through the
conflict, is that we wanna beconnected, and so the conflict
(05:26):
is on the other side, and thenwe can start approaching it more
data-based rather thanjudgment-based, because when
there's somebody else on theother side, ooh, we wanna throw
judgments, we wanna think aboutthe judgments they might be
giving us, and all of that isbreaking down our relationship,
not building it.
The second one is and I'm sureyou've heard this before, but of
(05:46):
course I have to repeat itbecause it's so, so, so
important is that we arelistening to understand the
other person.
And when we're in a conflict,our ego comes up and all of a
sudden they're telling ussomething and our brain's going
oh well, I know what I'm gonnasay, I'm gonna say this and what
about that, and what about this?
Right, we don't wanna do that.
(06:09):
Let's take a moment, take abreath, bring the emotional
level down and really try totalk it out by listening, listen
, listen, listen, ask goodquestions and listen right,
because, again, we're notfighting this person.
We're listening so that we canunderstand the conflict deeper,
(06:29):
because the more we canunderstand the conflict, the
more we can unravel it andcreate solutions.
So, listening to understand.
I even heard people say listenmore than you talk, listen more
than you think about talking.
Right, so listening for thepoint of understanding, not for
responding.
(06:50):
The third tool I wanna talkabout today is to understand
from their perspective, notyours.
Again, we all have experiencesand wounds and all kinds of
triggers and stories we tellourselves.
Those are all ours, those areall ours.
(07:11):
So we wanna understand fromtheir experiences, from their
wounds, from their understandingwhere they're coming from, so
that we don't make assumptions,because assumptions are probably
one of the major reasons forconflict in the first place.
And so when we understand fromtheir perspective, it's gonna
(07:34):
look a little different.
Our behaviors, our reactionsmay look different than what we
think they do on our side.
The fourth one is if you'reholding a grudge, talk it out.
And this one is not easy if youare a people pleaser, because
if you're a people pleaseryou'll just go oh, I can deal
(07:55):
with that, that's no problem.
I don't wanna bring it up,don't wanna have a conflict or a
conversation about it.
I really just wanna get past it, sweep it under the rug.
But what happens with that iswe start sweeping a lot under
the rug, we keep ignoring theselittle things, these little
things, these little things, andeither not doing the work on it
(08:16):
ourselves or not bringing it tothe relationship to discuss is
a big struggle.
And I'm gonna talk about somemore tools, about how we have
these conversations.
Those are like the next fourskills, right?
So I just want you to reallysit with it, like, is this
something that you need to bringup?
(08:36):
Because in 10 years, if thishabit, this action, this way of
talking to you has escalated, itlike where do we stop it?
And what I've found is, when Istart having a little bit of a
problem, that's the best time tobring it up.
It doesn't mean that we'regonna be able to change them.
(08:56):
We're gonna talk about that toeither do the work within
ourselves and then bring outanything that we might need to
bring out in conversation.
It might be by the time we doour own work on it that we
realize it's really us and ourown judgments and there's really
nothing that they can do aboutit to change it.
It's just the way that we needto see it from a different
(09:21):
perspective or shift the waythat we are showing up so that
we get more of what we want.
The next one is ownership, andthis one is really challenging.
In fact, I used to have a wholeworkshop about whose problem is
it anyway, and that workshop isactually within the Confident,
connected and Impactful CoachingProgram.
(09:45):
It's a whole session on whoseproblem is it?
Because this is something thatwomen used to bring to me all
the time, like, oh, I'm havingthis problem with my husband or
my friend or whatever, and Idon't know if I'm doing
something wrong.
If they're doing somethingwrong, who needs to change their
behavior in this?
I don't even know, like, whoseproblem is this?
(10:05):
I feel like it's his problem,but I'm the one getting angry.
Well, if you're the one gettingangry or some kind of emotional
trigger, you are the one withthe problem.
The other person is probablyoff, not even knowing that this
is a problem or at leastunderstanding the degree to
which it is a problem for you.
So, starting to pull that apart, who's having the emotional
(10:28):
impact here?
If I'm getting angry, if I'mgetting furious, if I'm feeling
shame, if I'm feeling fear,that's all about me and I have
to start pulling that apart andseeing where am I disempowering
myself.
Right, where am I disempoweringmyself?
(10:49):
I do want to excuse extremeabusive relationships from this.
That's a whole differentpsychology.
These are for our regular,everyday kind of relationships.
But we do want to look at youknow.
If I'm the one feeling fear,what is it that's going on for
me?
Is there something I need toask from you?
Is it something a conversationwe need to have?
(11:10):
Am I just fearful because I'mnot creating good boundaries for
myself, that I haven't creatednon-negotiables for my
relationship, which can bereally important understanding
what I am and am not going todeal with in a relationship
Again, whether that's a partner,friendship or a family member,
but ownership and understanding.
(11:32):
How am I contributing to this?
And a lot of times it's we'rejust angry because we have to
create boundaries and we don'twant to.
We just want that other personto show up how we expect them to
, so that we don't have tochange anything, and that's very
disempowering.
That's a very much a woundedchild kind of energy where I
(11:55):
just want you to fix what'sgoing on and I'm not really
going to take part in it.
And even if the other personhas a serious problem let's say
addiction or mental health wecan still create boundaries.
In fact, that's what they'remade for.
It's for us to createboundaries.
We're going to talk aboutboundaries in a second, but
before we go there, if we aregoing to have a conversation
(12:18):
with someone, let's just say aconversation.
I want to explain to you what'shappening for me.
Let me repeat that Aconversation starts with I.
I want to share with you what'sgoing on with me, not what
you're doing, not what you'resaying, not how I perceive that
(12:39):
you're wrong.
Those are not ways to have aconversation.
What we want to advocate for isour own needs and wants.
Wow, when you say this, I starttelling myself all kinds of
stories about myself, about notbeing good enough or being too
much, or we can even get moregeneral than that.
(13:01):
When people tell me this, Istart telling myself all kinds
of stories.
I know that that's my problem,that's part of my wounds from my
past, that's my experience andthat's what happens for me.
I statements as much aspossible.
(13:22):
This is about me, how I feel,what I'm willing to deal with
and what I'm not willing to dealwith.
We have to be really clearabout that within ourselves.
Before we have thatconversation with someone, I
would love you to journal itdown and use all I statements
and see how it turns out,because it's going to feel a
(13:43):
little bit different when we'rein that wounded child having
conflict.
We automatically want to blameand shame everyone else because
we're not really empowered fromthat tiny part of ourselves.
We need to use a more adultarchetype within ourselves to
get to the point where this iswhat's not working for me.
(14:06):
This is not what's not workingfor me.
If I can get that out, here'swhat I would like.
You may not get what you want,but it's bringing up things that
bother us from a very honestthis is what happens for me kind
of situation, so important.
(14:27):
This is what happens for me,because then we're getting
vulnerable.
If we come right out the doorwith the accusations, who wants
to respond to a bunch ofaccusations?
No one.
We get defensive, our ego getsup and all of a sudden, all we
want to do is like compete andfight, and that's losing that
(14:47):
first rule of nurturing andsupportive relationships that we
went over, which is we are noton the opposite sides, we are
together and the problem is onthe other side.
And so all I'm doing isspeaking from my side.
What's happening for me, whatI'm experiencing, what's going
on, and I want to go over thefact that the other person is
(15:11):
not making you, they're notmaking you angry, they're not
making you frustrated, they'renot making you sad, they're not
making you fearful, they're notmaking you feel shame.
That's all what's going onwithin ourselves.
This is the hardest point I everhad to get through with
relationships, and havingnurturing and supportive ones is
that I have to take ownershipfor what is mine, and what is
(15:35):
mine are my feelings and thereason those feelings are coming
up.
Let's just say it may notbother another person what you
just said to me, but to me itreally bothers me, and the
reason is because I have all ofthese experiences.
I have all of these wounds, allof these old triggers, all of
(15:58):
these ego struggles right, allthese emotional stories that I
tell myself.
That's all mine.
That's all mine.
I could easily ignore what youjust said or, you know, brush it
off, if I didn't have all ofthose triggers and experiences.
So when I say that relationshipsare personal growth, this is
(16:21):
the part when we start owningwhat's ours our wounds, our
triggers, our old experiencesthat we've gathered up to tell
ourselves that we're not enoughor too much.
That's all me.
That's mine to own.
You can't make me feel anyway.
You can say something and thenmy brain can make up stories
(16:43):
from the past and fill in gapsand make assumptions about why
it is that you're doing orsaying whatever you're doing.
But those are just.
That's not data, that's just mebeing assumptive that if you're
in a bad mood it must be aboutme.
It could have nothing to dowith me.
But the reason I'm gettingtriggered is because of all this
(17:03):
stuff that I have in mybackpack that I've been walking
around with all the time.
So we want to really look atthat.
The other person isn't makingyou, but what we can learn from
that is coming out with thoseeye statements that, wow, I'm
getting really angry when hesays that.
Why?
Why am I getting really angrywhen he says that?
(17:23):
And understanding what Ibelieve the implications of that
statement was right, ratherthan you know, asking the other
person clearly, hey, I'm notunderstanding what was the
intent behind that.
How are you hoping I wouldreact to that and then being
(17:44):
able to have that conversation?
Because here's what's happeningfor me and owning it for
ourselves.
These are my wounds, my stories.
I'm the one torturing myself.
It's a stories that create allthat uncomfortable emotions.
I don't call them negative, Icall them uncomfortable.
It's the stories that I'mtelling myself in my head about
(18:06):
what you're doing and sayingthat is actually creating that.
Rather than saying I don'tbelieve you, that's not what I
do, we're standing up forourselves or even owning it and
saying, yeah, sometimes I showup like a jerk and the fact that
you just pointed out, oh, Icould feel that emotion coming
on.
I'm starting to feel a littleshame.
But it's not you that's makingme feel shame.
(18:29):
It's the stories I'm tellingmyself about what you said.
It's very, very hard.
So if you have any questionsabout this or you're going
through something hard, I'dreally love you to reach out and
let's have a conversation aboutwhat is yours and what is not
yours.
Okay, the next thing I want totalk about is this huge
(18:51):
difference between boundariesand requests.
Okay, so let's start withboundaries, because I think
it'll make requests a lotclearer later.
But boundaries often peoplethink that boundaries are like I
don't like you smoking, so Idon't want you to smoke around
(19:12):
me.
Well, that's a request.
A boundary is what I'm gonna dofor me to keep me safe.
So if I don't like smoking orI'm allergic to cigarette smoke.
When I see you light up, I'mgonna walk away.
That's what I'm gonna do, right?
It's not making the other personchange anything.
(19:32):
We don't have control of theiractions for what they say.
We can simply make a boundaryfor ourselves, and I would say,
80% of the time, that's all weneed to do.
The reason we don't do it isbecause we don't like to, we
don't want to do the work.
If the other person would justshow up the way that we expect
(19:53):
them to, the right way right,according to us, the right way,
meaning our way then I wouldn'thave to put up boundaries.
Well, good luck on that.
We're all human beings.
We tramps over each other'sboundaries because we don't
really know where other people'sboundaries are.
I probably have boundarieswhere you don't, and vice versa.
So boundaries are about me.
(20:15):
It's what I'm going to do tokeep myself safe in this
situation.
Right?
It might be that if we're gonnaraise our voices or call names
call each other names then we'regonna end the argument until
we've cooled down and we cantalk with a clearer point of
view in a regular conversation,right?
(20:38):
So it might be something likethat, but it's not controlling
the other person because wecan't do that.
What we can do and I believethis is number eight what we can
do is make a request, and arequest can be vulnerable
because again, we're coming fromthe I statements.
When we had that conversationthe other day, man, I was
(21:02):
feeling here's what happened forme, here's the triggers and the
stories that came up for me.
And what I really love is, ifwe didn't call each other names
when we got in arguments, thatif we didn't raise our voices
when we get in arguments, that'sa request.
Can we agree to not go to theseparts?
(21:24):
Can we agree on that?
Can you try to commit to that?
Because we know even we breakour own commitments sometimes.
So can we try to commit to thisas a way of being?
That's a request and it takesvulnerability.
Normally people pleasers we wantto sweep that right under the
(21:45):
rug and go.
I can just get over it.
I can just get over it.
But in order to have reallynurturing supportive
relationships, this is the kindof information we want to share.
We want to share vulnerablestuff because it helps us get
more connected and any conflictthat I've ever seen in a good
relationship often ends upmaking that relationship so much
(22:07):
stronger, having these hardconversations, making these hard
requests, it actually cancreate more connection within us
, because we're being vulnerable.
We are showing the other personthat I really want to be in
connection with you instead ofjust ghosting you, right?
(22:28):
Because that's the new thing isthat if I have a problem with
you, I'll just go find anotherfriend, another partner, another
whatever, and so we don't keepworking through these things.
But these are the true skillsof relationships and I can't
imagine that there's many reallylong connected, loving
(22:49):
friendships or partnerships thatdon't go through these
conflicts and sometimes have tomake requests.
So the other thing withrequests is you may not get what
you want.
Even if the other person couldpromise that or wants to promise
that, it doesn't mean thatthey're able.
So there's many reasons whypeople can't fulfill our
(23:10):
requests.
One of them could be they don'twant to.
Another one might be they don'tfeel like they need to change
the way that they are, and oneof them is that they may not be
capable.
My husband's got a terriblememory.
He's constantly forgettingthings.
We could have just discussed anhour ago what we were doing
(23:33):
tonight for dinner and inanother hour he'll ask me again
and this stuff can reallyirritate me, right, it can
really irritate me that it'slike I'm all ready to go out to
dinner and he's like what'sgoing on?
I'm making dinner and I'm likeI thought we just said right,
and so I used to get reallyfrustrated.
Well, I could request that heremember more stuff, but it's
(23:57):
not going to happen.
We've tried it many times.
There are some things I can doto help him remember things, but
I can't force him to remember,just like I couldn't force
myself to run a four-minute mile.
Okay, it's just not going tohappen in my life.
And so we can only expect thatthey can say yes to the things
(24:19):
that they are capable andwilling to commit to.
And it still may not be perfect, so we may not always get what
we want, but then what we do iswe take care of ourselves, we
create those boundaries.
Well, great, then what?
Here's the thing If we say thatwe're going to go to dinner
with Joneses at 6 pm, I'm goingto be ready at 6 pm.
(24:41):
If he's not ready at 6 pm, I'llgo to the restaurant.
He can meet me there, right?
That's a boundary I can makefor myself.
If I really hate being late.
I can also say I'm going to tryto help him remember by telling
him 20 minutes in advance.
But that's for me, right?
Some people are like I don'twant to care, take the other
person, then don't.
But one of the ways that I knowmy husband's going to remember
(25:04):
is if I tell him 15 to 20minutes in advance.
That's about the expanse of hismemory sometimes, and so if I
make practical boundaries likethat for myself, that I'm going
to, hey, I'm going to remind himonce a day.
That's for me.
So I feel comfortable.
Just so we're clear I'm notdoing that for him, I'm not
(25:24):
caretaking him, I don't have todo it.
It's not something I promised.
So, knowing the differencebetween requests and boundaries,
we always can make boundaries,we always can make requests, but
with requests we may not getwhat we want.
So sometimes, doing the workwithin ourselves to be like,
well, what is it that I actuallyneed out of the situation?
How can I get that?
(25:46):
How can I make a boundary sothat I can ensure that I am
getting what I need?
Okay, two more.
One of them is that I want youto start celebrating each other
Something so silly when I waslittle is that women or girls
were discouraged from boastingor showing off or celebrating
(26:07):
their good stuff, because whatif their friends were not having
the same luck?
What if their friends didn'thave anything to celebrate?
I think that's BS.
I think that when we giveourselves a chance to celebrate
ourselves and others, we'remodeling it for other people.
We're modeling how to be reallyhappy for somebody.
Compersion is a term that I gethappy when you're happy, right,
(26:32):
that's like a true love is thatwhen something good is going on
for you, even if it's not goingon for me, I feel good about it
.
I feel happy for your happy,and so celebrating each other a
lot, I think is so important.
The last one I want to talkabout is have the conversation.
(26:53):
You would be surprised how manytimes that we choose not to
have that conversation and thenwhat happens is either we
distance ourselves from thatperson with fewer calls or fewer
connections, or we do thisother thing where we just start
(27:13):
having a generic relationshipwith them, not really nurturing
or supporting, kind of justdealing with each other because
I have so many judgments aboutyou and I haven't talked about
them and what they do for me.
Right, we're not talking aboutour judgments of them.
But what's behind that judgment?
Usually behind that judgment isthey're not doing it the way
(27:35):
that I wanted it.
I'm not getting what I wantbecause I haven't asked for what
I want.
You know what I mean, thosekinds of things.
And so when we get into midlife, I hope that we can just let go
of ghosting, because even ifyou don't want to continue a
relationship with this personpartner, friend or family it's
(27:56):
still the best to get it out inthe air.
We honor our relationships bybeing honest with them.
Hey look, I can't really befriends with you anymore.
I'm doing all this personalgrowth work and you always seem
so negative and every time Ibring up something exciting
about me, you just poop all overit.
(28:17):
So that may not be arelationship that you want to
have, but it's always good topractice those hard
conversations because you knowwhat.
Your friend or your husband maynot even know that he's doing
it, they're doing it right.
They may think everything'sfine, and then all of a sudden
you're gone.
And of course you can do thatif you want.
(28:40):
There's no rule against itother than my encouraged
behaviors.
But I think even if therelationship doesn't work out.
It'll help you practice havingthose very vulnerable
conversations, having thosereally soft conversations, using
those eye statements, makingrequests if you need to but
boundaries when you have toright.
(29:01):
So relationships are not Disneyfairy tale stories,
unfortunately, and they're evenmore beautiful than that.
Every time I've had a conflictwith my husband, we have worked
through it and you know whathappens is I trust him more.
I know that if we have anotherconflict he's not going to get
(29:22):
up and leave.
I trust him to have theconversations, the really hard,
authentic, vulnerableconversations with me and
because of that I trust thathe's going to be here.
I trust that he doesn't haveill intentions for me, because
all of the times in the past Ithought he had ill intentions.
We talked it out, I got to seeit from his perspective and I
(29:46):
was like I was making someassumptions about your behavior
or your words and that's notreally where you were coming
from.
And I think so manyrelationships we skip this step
and we don't have thatvulnerable conversation, we
don't seek to understand what'sgoing on for the other person
and we have completely differentperspectives over what's going
(30:07):
on where, if we just worked itout, we could then approach the
problem together rather thanagainst each other, and when we
can do that, I can speak myneeds in once, you can speak
your needs in once and we candecide how it is that we can be
in connection with each otherand get our needs met.
It's so important.
(30:29):
I hope that you'll try some ofthese out.
I hope that you'll have a braveconversation this week.
If you do reach out, I'd loveto hear about it and hear how it
goes.
I'd love to chat you up andfigure out how you can approach
these harder conversations.
Let's work it out so you feelreally good and confident about
(30:49):
having these really sensitive,vulnerable conversations.
I hope this has been helpful.
I hope you have a great weekand I'll talk to you all later.
Popular Podcasts
Dateline NBC
Current and classic episodes, featuring compelling true-crime mysteries, powerful documentaries and in-depth investigations. Follow now to get the latest episodes of Dateline NBC completely free, or subscribe to Dateline Premium for ad-free listening and exclusive bonus content: DatelinePremium.com
24/7 News: The Latest
The latest news in 4 minutes updated every hour, every day.
Therapy Gecko
An unlicensed lizard psychologist travels the universe talking to strangers about absolutely nothing. TO CALL THE GECKO: follow me on https://www.twitch.tv/lyleforever to get a notification for when I am taking calls. I am usually live Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays but lately a lot of other times too. I am a gecko.