February 25, 2025 • 24 mins
We explore the concept of applying relationship stages to our connection with ourselves, challenging listeners to discover where they are in their self-relationship journey and how to cultivate deeper self-love.
• The honeymoon phase isn't just for romantic relationships but can be applied to our relationship with ourselves
• We often get stuck seeing ourselves as fixed personalities rather than beings capable of continuous discovery
• The power struggle phase with ourselves involves confronting our perceived limitations and flaws
• What we observe about ourselves shapes our self-relationship through the observer effect
• Through all five relationship stages (honeymoon, power struggle, stability, commitment, co-creation/bliss), the key is right relationship to self
• Self-love means not requiring external validation to know your worth
• Taking a honeymoon with yourself means rediscovering who you truly are with curiosity and excitement
It is time for you to take a honeymoon with yourself. The true secret of happiness lies in taking a genuine interest in all the details of your own life.
You can reach Dr. James at https://www.jamesmellon.org/
Check out Dr. James Mellon's book, The 5 Questions, here on Amazon.
Learn more about Global Truth Center at https://www.globaltruthcenter.org
You can watch Dr. James' live weekly messages on Sunday at 10a PT at https://www.globaltruthcenter.org/sunday-livestream
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Dr. James Mellon (00:00):
So the title of my talk today, based on that
song, is the Honeymoon Stage.
It's actually the HoneymoonPhase and it's a real thing.
How many of you have ever foundyourself in the honeymoon phase
?
Right, isn't it wonderful, it'sjust like the best place.
Let me read for you what thehoneymoon phase is.
The honeymoon phase is theearly stage of a romantic
(00:23):
relationship, when everythingfeels new and exciting and
you're both happy.
Do you remember those times?
Everybody, yeah, during thisphase, couples experience
intense feelings of love,passion and connection.
Do you remember those phases?
(00:44):
No, okay, moving on.
It can last for weeks, monthsor even, like Kevin and I, years
, but tends to decline as therelationship progresses into
other stages.
So where are you in your ownlife in terms of this honeymoon
(01:08):
phase?
I love this.
Another, another quote everyday in the honeymoon phase is
filled with discovery andexcitement as you get more and
more entangled with your partnerand in each other's lives.
So, so let's just look at this.
I'm going to go through most ofthese phases.
(01:28):
So you meet someone, or you meetsomeone across a crowded room.
You see someone and somethingignites.
Do you ever have that feeling?
Anybody never have that feeling, nancy.
You're just remembering it?
Are you getting palpitations?
She's in the front row, likehaving an experience, yeah, I'll
(01:51):
have what she's having.
So there's that moment and yousee that person and you and you
feel it.
And then you meet them andyou're like, oh, my God.
And there's this whole.
It's very biological.
Your body, everything in you,the pheromones are at work, and
this happens and you fall inlove, so to speak, and I love
(02:13):
this.
Every day becomes filled withdiscovery because you got to
learn about them more and moreand more.
And do you notice, in thehoneymoon phase, even if they're
really behaving badly, it'scute.
Do you notice that, like, ifyou've fallen in love with a
control freak, it's cute atfirst.
Not you, of course, right?
(02:36):
So everything about them?
Oh, I love the way they leavecrumbs around the house when
they eat.
It's just so lovely when it'snot, and then you're out of the
honeymoon phase.
So what I want you to do herethis morning is not deal with
your partner and decide whetheror not which phase you're in.
But did you already figure thatout?
(02:59):
She's going to hit you.
Um, yeah, um.
I want you to find out whatphase you're in when it comes to
yourself.
Connie set me up for thisperfectly about self-love, like,
where are you in terms of whatphase are you in when it comes
(03:19):
to you, not your partner or yourhusband or your wife or your
friends, but you, merrilee, like, where are you with regard to
yourself?
Because when I look at this andI think every day is filled
with discovery and excitement,is it?
I know me, I know everythingabout me, I think, which is the
(03:41):
problem, I know me and I'm notso honeymooned anymore with me.
That's not true.
I can be, but I'm sure you'renot.
But what I really mean is howmuch discovery are you still
finding out about yourself?
Or are you stuck in thetrenches of who you think you
(04:01):
are, who you've been your wholelife?
Oh, I do this, I don't do that.
How many times do you hearyourself say yeah, I'm not that
type of person, I don't do thatsort of thing.
Why not, brad?
I see you laughing there.
But why not?
You know, why don't you do this?
Because you found out you don'tlike it.
But that was then.
This is now.
What could you possibly do ifyou met yourself again for the
(04:26):
first time?
So the question I have thismorning for you, the first
question I have is how committedare you to you?
How committed are you toyourself, to exploring yourself,
to exploring yourself, tofinding out who you are at the
(04:48):
base of your personality?
Putting your personality aside,how committed are you to maybe
finding something completelydifferent?
You know those people.
They call them midlife crises,when people have a midlife
crisis and they just throweverything out and they just
start all over again.
Not such a bad idea, and Idon't know why it's relegated to
midlife.
It should happen at all times.
(05:10):
We should all take a look atourselves and go.
You know what I need to startover?
I need to discover myself again, because I look back and I
think I remember I moved to NewYork when I was 19 years old.
To New York City.
Now that sounds like a bigthing to do, but I did live in
Philadelphia, so it was only anhour and a half train ride to
get back to my house if I neededto.
(05:31):
So moved to New York.
Those were amazing days, sofilled with discovery.
New York City for someone thathad never even been there,
really, and then Broadway andall the people and the auditions
, and then traveling across thecountry to Colorado on my first
plane.
Lots of discovery when you're inyour early 20s or when you're
(05:54):
about to turn 21.
And then what happens?
You start to learn more andmore and more about yourself and
the reason why they call thatthe honeymoon phase, because
that can happen at any time, butit's about someone else and
more and more about yourself.
And the reason why they callthat the honeymoon phase,
because that can happen at anytime, but it's about someone
else.
It's about that other personand you kind of lose yourself
and you start getting involvedin the other person.
(06:15):
You want to know more and moreand more about them.
But I'd like us to roll thatback and ask ourselves how about
learning more and more and moreabout me, about myself, right?
So this month is called Love inAction, so I'd like to end this
month with this idea ofself-love in action.
(06:35):
Right, self-love in action.
What would that look like,robbie?
What would it look like if youreally focused on loving
yourself?
And I don't mean in theethereal way, I mean like really
realistically?
What would you do differentlyIf everything that came out of
your mouth, everything that cameinto your mind, was supporting
(06:58):
you, because you have justfallen in love with a new you.
What would you find out?
What would you discover?
What could you?
So the second stage, after thehoneymoon phase, is power
struggle, two elephants fightingit out.
(07:22):
Power struggle, the adjustmentphase.
So you're in a relationship,right?
I fell madly in love with KevinBailey the minute I met him and
we had a very tumultuousrelationship at first, seeing
where we wanted to go and all,and finally, still in the
honeymoon phase, still in thatpink cloud, everything he did
(07:43):
was amazing, except bowling.
Everything he did, bowlingscores, because we score bowling
differently.
He's right, he thinks I'm right, I think, and we come to the
same number at the end.
He's right, he thinks I'm right, I think, and we come to the
same number at the end.
So who's right?
Really, don't say it.
So there's a power strugglestage, it's the adjustment stage
(08:05):
.
So, kevin and I, when we decidedto commit to being a couple, I
was already an established actorin New York City with a
nine-room apartment on the UpperWest Side Three bedrooms, three
bathrooms, living room, diningroom, piano room, kitchen, foyer
if anybody knows what a foyeris a maid's room, I mean an
amazing apartment.
So Kevin moved into myapartment and I've told this
(08:27):
story before that, I gave him ahalf of a closet to fill in this
nine-room apartment, a half ofa closet to fill in this
nine-room apartment, and Ithought that was very generous
because I'd been living therefor a number of years and those
closets were filled with mythings, so he should come in and
fit his life into that half ofa closet that I actually, very,
(08:48):
with a lot of energy, emptiedout.
At which point we started thesecond phase of our relationship
power struggle where I lost.
I gave in, I totally gave in.
He was like james, don't youunderstand?
We now share this apartment,therefore I should have half of
the closets.
I was half of the closets.
(09:09):
I said next, you want to wanthalf of the closets.
I said next year you want towant half of the medicine
cabinet.
And so I gave in and I emptiedout a closet in our bedroom and
gave him a full closet insteadof a half a closet.
And before long the adjustmentphase continued and I adjusted
(09:35):
to the fact that I had to giveup all of it, the whole house.
I had to give up my identity, Ihad to give up who I thought I
was to this relationship, but inthe long run.
It gave me an opportunity tofind out who am I.
That honeymoon phase lasted avery long time and we still pop
(09:56):
in and out of it.
So the honeymoon phase I meanthe power struggle After the
honeymoon phase relationshipstypically transition into a
phase known as power struggle oradjustment phase.
During this time, couples oftenstart to see each other's
imperfections and differencesmore clearly each other's
imperfections and differencesmore clearly, which can lead to
(10:17):
conflicts and misunderstandings.
So now turn that around toyourself.
There's a power struggle andadjustment phase in who you know
yourself to be.
You see your mistakes.
You see all the things youdon't do well, that you don't
get right.
Sometimes you see them and yougive over to them.
You're just like that's justwho I am.
I'm lazy or whatever.
Whatever comes out of you, Iprocrastinate.
(10:39):
Oh well, that's just who I am.
No, it's not.
That's the thing.
It's not who you are, it's whoyou've decided to be okay with.
But underneath that thereperhaps is something way more,
and maybe you're procrastinativebecause you're not excited
about the life you're living, soyou just don't really get
(10:59):
involved too much in it.
So you just take your time.
I'll do that later because Idon't really want to do it in
the first place.
These are the things we need todiscover.
What are you excited about?
What do you want to do in yourlife?
Are you willing to put theenergy into whatever that is?
So we teach here the observereffect what you focus on is
(11:20):
affected by your observation.
So what you look at in yourlife is affected by what you are
looking at and what you arelooking at.
By the way, what you observe,you are in relationship with
Whatever that is, even yourself.
As you start observing yourselfand asking yourself questions
about yourself, you are now inrelationship to yourself, which
(11:44):
is really what I want to talkabout today Our relationship to
ourselves.
So the observer effect is notjust about me thinking out there
and making things happen, butthe observer effect is also
about what do I think aboutmyself?
What do I focus on when I thinkabout who I am, what I am?
So what you are in relationshipwith defines the life you are
(12:08):
living.
So how is your relationship toyourself?
Not to your partner, not toyour friends.
How is your relationship toyourself, not to your partner,
not to your friends?
How is your relationship toyourself?
What do you observe aboutyourself.
Is it positive?
Are you expanding positivethings?
I loved Connie being up here,watching Connie observe her own
(12:32):
success, watching her observehow she has changed.
You know that when Connie firsthad to get up on stage in NoHo
and talk on stage with me, I hadto hold her hand because she
just was like this bundle ofnerves and she was so nervous.
Now she just gets up there andpushes me aside, which is where
(12:52):
she should be because I canhandle myself right.
So what do you observe aboutyourself?
So I want to want you to lookat this deepak chopra quote the
soul is the observer whointerprets and makes choices in
a confluence of relationships.
These relationships provide thebackground setting characters
(13:12):
and events that shape thestories of our lives.
Every relationship you are in isshaping the life you are living
, which means pay attention,figure it out.
What are you in relationship to?
Who are you in relationshipwith?
Where are you in relationship,and are these relationships
(13:33):
giving you the life you want tolive?
It's all energy, that's all itis.
So what you put your attentionon, what you observe, what you
are in relationship with, isaffecting the way your life is
being lived, and the prime oneis you yourself?
How are you in relationship toyourself?
(13:55):
I think the more we start tolove ourselves, the more we make
choices that bring ourhappiness to the forefront of
what we want in our lives,because your happiness is primal
, it is the most important thing.
I can't tell you how many timesI have counseled couples who are
(14:17):
only together for the childrenand I say to them I say you know
, probably be better if youbroke up for the children so
they could get a healthy view ofwhat someone really loving
themselves looks like, asopposed to looking at the view
of what two people who don'tlike each other look like.
So many children are brought upin families like that, in homes
(14:41):
like that, which give people awarped sense of what
relationships are, what love is.
So where do you need to get adivorce from yourself?
Where do you need to stop beingin relationship in your life
with some aspect of yourself?
So I call this part phase in,phase out.
(15:02):
So the honeymoon phase, thatpink cloud phase, it comes and
it goes.
There are moments I look atKevin and I'm like I just feel
this overwhelming love, for forall these 37 years we have been
together.
And then there are times I lookat Kevin and I feel other
things For these 37 years wehave been together and it phases
(15:23):
in, it phases out, and I'm okaywith that Because I understand
it's all up to me, it's reallyup to me.
I said to him the other nightand I think it confused him for
a minute I just looked at him, Igave him a hug and I said you
know what I need to love youmore?
And he just looked at me andwent what?
(15:44):
Remember that?
Yeah, all I meant was I wasaware in that moment I hadn't
spent enough time that day beingin love with him, having that
love that we have, and it's soeasy to forget it and it's so
easy to get involved in otherthings that things go away, and
I'm not willing to have thathappen.
(16:06):
So I want to read you.
So there's the honeymoon phase,and then there's the power
struggle phase.
Then there's the stabilitystage.
How many of you are in thestability stage?
Yeah, the stability stage meansyou've accepted everything the
way it is.
Okay, we're stable, we're good.
It's the stability stage, right?
The other name for that is theboring stage.
(16:27):
Then there's the commitmentstage.
Okay, so there's five of them.
Everything's in fives, you evernotice.
The fourth stage is thecommitment stage.
That's when you decide to getmarried and have children.
Right, kevin and I knew we weregonna have kids, even though two
gay men not biologicallypossible, but we knew there was
(16:49):
a way.
We knew we were gonna have kidsthe minute we met.
We both wanted kids and andthen we got married.
We got married before any gaycouples were getting married.
We threw a gigantic wedding inSouthampton, new York, gigantic
wedding for his family, myfamily, all of our friends
Sunrise wedding, just like allthe Catholic weddings I've been
(17:10):
to all my life.
We had the rehearsal dinner thenight before the breakfast, the
ceremony, the wedding breakfast.
We all took a nap.
Then we had the reception, justlike my aunts, just like all my
family, had their weddings.
We mimed everything exactly theway it was done by the
Catholics, without the priest,obviously.
And then, 20 years later, 30years later, 20 years later, we
(17:34):
got married again, the sunsetwedding in Malibu, which many of
you were at because it waslegal and we could get married.
And then we had a minister whobought his minister's license
online the night before.
Marry us, right.
So we, we are very good withthe commitment level.
After the commitment phase comesthe co-creation bliss phase.
(17:58):
How many of you are in theco-creation bliss phase?
How many of you are in theco-creation bliss phase?
See, you don't even know it.
Caressa's trying to raise herhand.
She's like I might be.
No, you are.
You two are Co-creation.
You do things together.
You create things together.
We've been in the co-creationbliss phase forever.
We do everything together andwe create together.
(18:20):
Right, we make things happentogether.
We're partners.
To arrive at bliss, you have tobe in right relationship to
yourself.
That's the key.
So here are all these phases ofrelationships.
They're mostly aimed at therelationship you have with one
another, your partner.
But if you turn it around toyourself, are you?
(18:41):
Let's look at these again.
Are you still in the honeymoonphase?
Are you still discoveringthings about yourself?
Are you adjusting to all thepower struggles that come along
in the life that you're living?
Are you adjusting to that in ain a comfortable way?
Are you accepting yourself?
Do you accept who you are inthis acceptance phase and are
(19:02):
you committed?
Are you committed to everysingle day waking up and saying
I don't know what today's goingto be like, but I am ready for
whatever wants to come for me,what's wants to come through me.
Are you committed to that?
Are you married to yourself?
And then that bliss phase.
(19:22):
So Oscar Wilde said this tolove oneself is the beginning of
a lifelong romance.
Isn't that a great quote?
And I picked that picturebecause I want to ask you when's
the last time you took a bath,not hygienically, I mean, when's
the last time you took a bathNot hygienically, I mean when's
(19:47):
the last time you got into a tubwith some cucumbers on your
eyes and just laid there andloved yourself?
When's the last time you didsomething amazing for yourself?
I don't know about you, butthere are times when I just I
take a nap and there's a part ofme that still feels guilty,
like I should be doing somethingelse.
Anybody else Like you dosomething for yourself.
You're like I should be working, I should be writing something,
(20:10):
I should be doing something,but no, maybe I should be laying
on the damn bed, relaxing andlooking at the gorgeous oak tree
outside my window, right?
So?
And this one I love this onefrom the Buddha you yourself, as
much as anybody in the entireuniverse, deserve your love and
affection, right, you deservethat, and you know what the
(20:33):
other part of this is.
In this love in action, don'tmake it someone else's
responsibility to let you knowhow great you are.
Don't depend on other people totell you how amazing you are.
You need to be able to stand inyour own body and say I know
who I am, I know how great I amand I am an asset to anyone who
(20:55):
wants to be in relationship withme.
Sounds egotistical, but it'snot.
It's just the truth, right?
That's what we need to bewilling to do.
And then I love this last slidebecause it's by Anonymous, one
of the best writers in the world.
Love yourself first, andeverything else falls into line.
(21:17):
How do you feel about that?
So, when we leave this month oflove in action, it's time to
take action.
Dr Liza, right To lovingyourself.
You're a good example of that.
You do love yourself.
Yes, you do.
It doesn't matter what your hairis doing, because I don't know.
(21:37):
I say that as a joke because Ialways kid Liza about her hair.
Liza's hair has its own zipcode.
It's like it's this stand up,show them what your hair's doing
today.
No, really, it looks amazing.
Look at it.
Yeah, I love her hair right,but there are days when I'm
having a bad hair day thatactually affects me.
(21:58):
I'm like, oh, my hair looks sobad today.
You know what.
I've gotten to a point now.
I just don't care.
Haven't you seen me now withbad hair days?
No, you haven't.
And there you have it.
So that was a trick question.
If someone was going to say yes, I'd be like no, you have not.
(22:18):
He's seen my bad hair days.
But you know what, if you catchme at Ralph's, I often have bad
hair days at Ralph's.
I just don't care anymore whatthe supermarket lady thinks
about my hair.
All joking aside, Love yourselffirst, and everything else
falls into line.
It is time for you to take ahoneymoon with yourself.
(22:39):
It is time for you to take ahoneymoon with yourself.
It is time for you.
The true secret of happinesslies in taking a genuine
interest in all the details ofyour own life.
So are you ready to beinterested in you, more
interested in you?
And that doesn't mean you'reless interested in James, it
(23:03):
just means you're moreinterested in yourself.
Because you know you have to bethe one to live your life out
loud.
And you know what If you liveyour life out loud and people
have a hard time with theloudness of your life.
Highest and furthest.
Those people deserve to go findtheir own people that they're
(23:24):
comfortable with.
Don't ever take yourself downto their comfort level.
Right, speak out, sing out,louise, be your true, authentic
self.
But today I want you to reallydecide to start discovering who
that is.
Marty Right, start discoveringwhat's in there.
(23:44):
Start discovering being excitedby being engaged with, and then
do something about living lifeto the fullest, from the fullest
as the fullest, because that'swho you are.
Namaste.
So the title of my talk today, based on that
song, is the Honeymoon Stage.
It's actually the HoneymoonPhase and it's a real thing.
How many of you have ever foundyourself in the honeymoon phase
?
Right, isn't it wonderful, it'sjust like the best place.
Let me read for you what thehoneymoon phase is.
The honeymoon phase is theearly stage of a romantic
(00:23):
relationship, when everythingfeels new and exciting and
you're both happy.
Do you remember those times?
Everybody, yeah, during thisphase, couples experience
intense feelings of love,passion and connection.
Do you remember those phases?
(00:44):
No, okay, moving on.
It can last for weeks, monthsor even, like Kevin and I, years
, but tends to decline as therelationship progresses into
other stages.
So where are you in your ownlife in terms of this honeymoon
(01:08):
phase?
I love this.
Another, another quote everyday in the honeymoon phase is
filled with discovery andexcitement as you get more and
more entangled with your partnerand in each other's lives.
So, so let's just look at this.
I'm going to go through most ofthese phases.
(01:28):
So you meet someone, or you meetsomeone across a crowded room.
You see someone and somethingignites.
Do you ever have that feeling?
Anybody never have that feeling, nancy.
You're just remembering it?
Are you getting palpitations?
She's in the front row, likehaving an experience, yeah, I'll
(01:51):
have what she's having.
So there's that moment and yousee that person and you and you
feel it.
And then you meet them andyou're like, oh, my God.
And there's this whole.
It's very biological.
Your body, everything in you,the pheromones are at work, and
this happens and you fall inlove, so to speak, and I love
(02:13):
this.
Every day becomes filled withdiscovery because you got to
learn about them more and moreand more.
And do you notice, in thehoneymoon phase, even if they're
really behaving badly, it'scute.
Do you notice that, like, ifyou've fallen in love with a
control freak, it's cute atfirst.
Not you, of course, right?
(02:36):
So everything about them?
Oh, I love the way they leavecrumbs around the house when
they eat.
It's just so lovely when it'snot, and then you're out of the
honeymoon phase.
So what I want you to do herethis morning is not deal with
your partner and decide whetheror not which phase you're in.
But did you already figure thatout?
(02:59):
She's going to hit you.
Um, yeah, um.
I want you to find out whatphase you're in when it comes to
yourself.
Connie set me up for thisperfectly about self-love, like,
where are you in terms of whatphase are you in when it comes
(03:19):
to you, not your partner or yourhusband or your wife or your
friends, but you, merrilee, like, where are you with regard to
yourself?
Because when I look at this andI think every day is filled
with discovery and excitement,is it?
I know me, I know everythingabout me, I think, which is the
(03:41):
problem, I know me and I'm notso honeymooned anymore with me.
That's not true.
I can be, but I'm sure you'renot.
But what I really mean is howmuch discovery are you still
finding out about yourself?
Or are you stuck in thetrenches of who you think you
(04:01):
are, who you've been your wholelife?
Oh, I do this, I don't do that.
How many times do you hearyourself say yeah, I'm not that
type of person, I don't do thatsort of thing.
Why not, brad?
I see you laughing there.
But why not?
You know, why don't you do this?
Because you found out you don'tlike it.
But that was then.
This is now.
What could you possibly do ifyou met yourself again for the
(04:26):
first time?
So the question I have thismorning for you, the first
question I have is how committedare you to you?
How committed are you toyourself, to exploring yourself,
to exploring yourself, tofinding out who you are at the
(04:48):
base of your personality?
Putting your personality aside,how committed are you to maybe
finding something completelydifferent?
You know those people.
They call them midlife crises,when people have a midlife
crisis and they just throweverything out and they just
start all over again.
Not such a bad idea, and Idon't know why it's relegated to
midlife.
It should happen at all times.
(05:10):
We should all take a look atourselves and go.
You know what I need to startover?
I need to discover myself again, because I look back and I
think I remember I moved to NewYork when I was 19 years old.
To New York City.
Now that sounds like a bigthing to do, but I did live in
Philadelphia, so it was only anhour and a half train ride to
get back to my house if I neededto.
(05:31):
So moved to New York.
Those were amazing days, sofilled with discovery.
New York City for someone thathad never even been there,
really, and then Broadway andall the people and the auditions
, and then traveling across thecountry to Colorado on my first
plane.
Lots of discovery when you're inyour early 20s or when you're
(05:54):
about to turn 21.
And then what happens?
You start to learn more andmore and more about yourself and
the reason why they call thatthe honeymoon phase, because
that can happen at any time, butit's about someone else and
more and more about yourself.
And the reason why they callthat the honeymoon phase,
because that can happen at anytime, but it's about someone
else.
It's about that other personand you kind of lose yourself
and you start getting involvedin the other person.
(06:15):
You want to know more and moreand more about them.
But I'd like us to roll thatback and ask ourselves how about
learning more and more and moreabout me, about myself, right?
So this month is called Love inAction, so I'd like to end this
month with this idea ofself-love in action.
(06:35):
Right, self-love in action.
What would that look like,robbie?
What would it look like if youreally focused on loving
yourself?
And I don't mean in theethereal way, I mean like really
realistically?
What would you do differentlyIf everything that came out of
your mouth, everything that cameinto your mind, was supporting
(06:58):
you, because you have justfallen in love with a new you.
What would you find out?
What would you discover?
What could you?
So the second stage, after thehoneymoon phase, is power
struggle, two elephants fightingit out.
(07:22):
Power struggle, the adjustmentphase.
So you're in a relationship,right?
I fell madly in love with KevinBailey the minute I met him and
we had a very tumultuousrelationship at first, seeing
where we wanted to go and all,and finally, still in the
honeymoon phase, still in thatpink cloud, everything he did
(07:43):
was amazing, except bowling.
Everything he did, bowlingscores, because we score bowling
differently.
He's right, he thinks I'm right, I think, and we come to the
same number at the end.
He's right, he thinks I'm right, I think, and we come to the
same number at the end.
So who's right?
Really, don't say it.
So there's a power strugglestage, it's the adjustment stage
(08:05):
.
So, kevin and I, when we decidedto commit to being a couple, I
was already an established actorin New York City with a
nine-room apartment on the UpperWest Side Three bedrooms, three
bathrooms, living room, diningroom, piano room, kitchen, foyer
if anybody knows what a foyeris a maid's room, I mean an
amazing apartment.
So Kevin moved into myapartment and I've told this
(08:27):
story before that, I gave him ahalf of a closet to fill in this
nine-room apartment, a half ofa closet to fill in this
nine-room apartment, and Ithought that was very generous
because I'd been living therefor a number of years and those
closets were filled with mythings, so he should come in and
fit his life into that half ofa closet that I actually, very,
(08:48):
with a lot of energy, emptiedout.
At which point we started thesecond phase of our relationship
power struggle where I lost.
I gave in, I totally gave in.
He was like james, don't youunderstand?
We now share this apartment,therefore I should have half of
the closets.
I was half of the closets.
(09:09):
I said next, you want to wanthalf of the closets.
I said next year you want towant half of the medicine
cabinet.
And so I gave in and I emptiedout a closet in our bedroom and
gave him a full closet insteadof a half a closet.
And before long the adjustmentphase continued and I adjusted
(09:35):
to the fact that I had to giveup all of it, the whole house.
I had to give up my identity, Ihad to give up who I thought I
was to this relationship, but inthe long run.
It gave me an opportunity tofind out who am I.
That honeymoon phase lasted avery long time and we still pop
(09:56):
in and out of it.
So the honeymoon phase I meanthe power struggle After the
honeymoon phase relationshipstypically transition into a
phase known as power struggle oradjustment phase.
During this time, couples oftenstart to see each other's
imperfections and differencesmore clearly each other's
imperfections and differencesmore clearly, which can lead to
(10:17):
conflicts and misunderstandings.
So now turn that around toyourself.
There's a power struggle andadjustment phase in who you know
yourself to be.
You see your mistakes.
You see all the things youdon't do well, that you don't
get right.
Sometimes you see them and yougive over to them.
You're just like that's justwho I am.
I'm lazy or whatever.
Whatever comes out of you, Iprocrastinate.
(10:39):
Oh well, that's just who I am.
No, it's not.
That's the thing.
It's not who you are, it's whoyou've decided to be okay with.
But underneath that thereperhaps is something way more,
and maybe you're procrastinativebecause you're not excited
about the life you're living, soyou just don't really get
(10:59):
involved too much in it.
So you just take your time.
I'll do that later because Idon't really want to do it in
the first place.
These are the things we need todiscover.
What are you excited about?
What do you want to do in yourlife?
Are you willing to put theenergy into whatever that is?
So we teach here the observereffect what you focus on is
(11:20):
affected by your observation.
So what you look at in yourlife is affected by what you are
looking at and what you arelooking at.
By the way, what you observe,you are in relationship with
Whatever that is, even yourself.
As you start observing yourselfand asking yourself questions
about yourself, you are now inrelationship to yourself, which
(11:44):
is really what I want to talkabout today Our relationship to
ourselves.
So the observer effect is notjust about me thinking out there
and making things happen, butthe observer effect is also
about what do I think aboutmyself?
What do I focus on when I thinkabout who I am, what I am?
So what you are in relationshipwith defines the life you are
(12:08):
living.
So how is your relationship toyourself?
Not to your partner, not toyour friends.
How is your relationship toyourself, not to your partner,
not to your friends?
How is your relationship toyourself?
What do you observe aboutyourself.
Is it positive?
Are you expanding positivethings?
I loved Connie being up here,watching Connie observe her own
(12:32):
success, watching her observehow she has changed.
You know that when Connie firsthad to get up on stage in NoHo
and talk on stage with me, I hadto hold her hand because she
just was like this bundle ofnerves and she was so nervous.
Now she just gets up there andpushes me aside, which is where
(12:52):
she should be because I canhandle myself right.
So what do you observe aboutyourself?
So I want to want you to lookat this deepak chopra quote the
soul is the observer whointerprets and makes choices in
a confluence of relationships.
These relationships provide thebackground setting characters
(13:12):
and events that shape thestories of our lives.
Every relationship you are in isshaping the life you are living
, which means pay attention,figure it out.
What are you in relationship to?
Who are you in relationshipwith?
Where are you in relationship,and are these relationships
(13:33):
giving you the life you want tolive?
It's all energy, that's all itis.
So what you put your attentionon, what you observe, what you
are in relationship with, isaffecting the way your life is
being lived, and the prime oneis you yourself?
How are you in relationship toyourself?
(13:55):
I think the more we start tolove ourselves, the more we make
choices that bring ourhappiness to the forefront of
what we want in our lives,because your happiness is primal
, it is the most important thing.
I can't tell you how many timesI have counseled couples who are
(14:17):
only together for the childrenand I say to them I say you know
, probably be better if youbroke up for the children so
they could get a healthy view ofwhat someone really loving
themselves looks like, asopposed to looking at the view
of what two people who don'tlike each other look like.
So many children are brought upin families like that, in homes
(14:41):
like that, which give people awarped sense of what
relationships are, what love is.
So where do you need to get adivorce from yourself?
Where do you need to stop beingin relationship in your life
with some aspect of yourself?
So I call this part phase in,phase out.
(15:02):
So the honeymoon phase, thatpink cloud phase, it comes and
it goes.
There are moments I look atKevin and I'm like I just feel
this overwhelming love, for forall these 37 years we have been
together.
And then there are times I lookat Kevin and I feel other
things For these 37 years wehave been together and it phases
(15:23):
in, it phases out, and I'm okaywith that Because I understand
it's all up to me, it's reallyup to me.
I said to him the other nightand I think it confused him for
a minute I just looked at him, Igave him a hug and I said you
know what I need to love youmore?
And he just looked at me andwent what?
(15:44):
Remember that?
Yeah, all I meant was I wasaware in that moment I hadn't
spent enough time that day beingin love with him, having that
love that we have, and it's soeasy to forget it and it's so
easy to get involved in otherthings that things go away, and
I'm not willing to have thathappen.
(16:06):
So I want to read you.
So there's the honeymoon phase,and then there's the power
struggle phase.
Then there's the stabilitystage.
How many of you are in thestability stage?
Yeah, the stability stage meansyou've accepted everything the
way it is.
Okay, we're stable, we're good.
It's the stability stage, right?
The other name for that is theboring stage.
(16:27):
Then there's the commitmentstage.
Okay, so there's five of them.
Everything's in fives, you evernotice.
The fourth stage is thecommitment stage.
That's when you decide to getmarried and have children.
Right, kevin and I knew we weregonna have kids, even though two
gay men not biologicallypossible, but we knew there was
(16:49):
a way.
We knew we were gonna have kidsthe minute we met.
We both wanted kids and andthen we got married.
We got married before any gaycouples were getting married.
We threw a gigantic wedding inSouthampton, new York, gigantic
wedding for his family, myfamily, all of our friends
Sunrise wedding, just like allthe Catholic weddings I've been
(17:10):
to all my life.
We had the rehearsal dinner thenight before the breakfast, the
ceremony, the wedding breakfast.
We all took a nap.
Then we had the reception, justlike my aunts, just like all my
family, had their weddings.
We mimed everything exactly theway it was done by the
Catholics, without the priest,obviously.
And then, 20 years later, 30years later, 20 years later, we
(17:34):
got married again, the sunsetwedding in Malibu, which many of
you were at because it waslegal and we could get married.
And then we had a minister whobought his minister's license
online the night before.
Marry us, right.
So we, we are very good withthe commitment level.
After the commitment phase comesthe co-creation bliss phase.
(17:58):
How many of you are in theco-creation bliss phase?
How many of you are in theco-creation bliss phase?
See, you don't even know it.
Caressa's trying to raise herhand.
She's like I might be.
No, you are.
You two are Co-creation.
You do things together.
You create things together.
We've been in the co-creationbliss phase forever.
We do everything together andwe create together.
(18:20):
Right, we make things happentogether.
We're partners.
To arrive at bliss, you have tobe in right relationship to
yourself.
That's the key.
So here are all these phases ofrelationships.
They're mostly aimed at therelationship you have with one
another, your partner.
But if you turn it around toyourself, are you?
(18:41):
Let's look at these again.
Are you still in the honeymoonphase?
Are you still discoveringthings about yourself?
Are you adjusting to all thepower struggles that come along
in the life that you're living?
Are you adjusting to that in ain a comfortable way?
Are you accepting yourself?
Do you accept who you are inthis acceptance phase and are
(19:02):
you committed?
Are you committed to everysingle day waking up and saying
I don't know what today's goingto be like, but I am ready for
whatever wants to come for me,what's wants to come through me.
Are you committed to that?
Are you married to yourself?
And then that bliss phase.
(19:22):
So Oscar Wilde said this tolove oneself is the beginning of
a lifelong romance.
Isn't that a great quote?
And I picked that picturebecause I want to ask you when's
the last time you took a bath,not hygienically, I mean, when's
the last time you took a bathNot hygienically, I mean when's
(19:47):
the last time you got into a tubwith some cucumbers on your
eyes and just laid there andloved yourself?
When's the last time you didsomething amazing for yourself?
I don't know about you, butthere are times when I just I
take a nap and there's a part ofme that still feels guilty,
like I should be doing somethingelse.
Anybody else Like you dosomething for yourself.
You're like I should be working, I should be writing something,
(20:10):
I should be doing something,but no, maybe I should be laying
on the damn bed, relaxing andlooking at the gorgeous oak tree
outside my window, right?
So?
And this one I love this onefrom the Buddha you yourself, as
much as anybody in the entireuniverse, deserve your love and
affection, right, you deservethat, and you know what the
(20:33):
other part of this is.
In this love in action, don'tmake it someone else's
responsibility to let you knowhow great you are.
Don't depend on other people totell you how amazing you are.
You need to be able to stand inyour own body and say I know
who I am, I know how great I amand I am an asset to anyone who
(20:55):
wants to be in relationship withme.
Sounds egotistical, but it'snot.
It's just the truth, right?
That's what we need to bewilling to do.
And then I love this last slidebecause it's by Anonymous, one
of the best writers in the world.
Love yourself first, andeverything else falls into line.
(21:17):
How do you feel about that?
So, when we leave this month oflove in action, it's time to
take action.
Dr Liza, right To lovingyourself.
You're a good example of that.
You do love yourself.
Yes, you do.
It doesn't matter what your hairis doing, because I don't know.
(21:37):
I say that as a joke because Ialways kid Liza about her hair.
Liza's hair has its own zipcode.
It's like it's this stand up,show them what your hair's doing
today.
No, really, it looks amazing.
Look at it.
Yeah, I love her hair right,but there are days when I'm
having a bad hair day thatactually affects me.
(21:58):
I'm like, oh, my hair looks sobad today.
You know what.
I've gotten to a point now.
I just don't care.
Haven't you seen me now withbad hair days?
No, you haven't.
And there you have it.
So that was a trick question.
If someone was going to say yes, I'd be like no, you have not.
(22:18):
He's seen my bad hair days.
But you know what, if you catchme at Ralph's, I often have bad
hair days at Ralph's.
I just don't care anymore whatthe supermarket lady thinks
about my hair.
All joking aside, Love yourselffirst, and everything else
falls into line.
It is time for you to take ahoneymoon with yourself.
(22:39):
It is time for you to take ahoneymoon with yourself.
It is time for you.
The true secret of happinesslies in taking a genuine
interest in all the details ofyour own life.
So are you ready to beinterested in you, more
interested in you?
And that doesn't mean you'reless interested in James, it
(23:03):
just means you're moreinterested in yourself.
Because you know you have to bethe one to live your life out
loud.
And you know what If you liveyour life out loud and people
have a hard time with theloudness of your life.
Highest and furthest.
Those people deserve to go findtheir own people that they're
(23:24):
comfortable with.
Don't ever take yourself downto their comfort level.
Right, speak out, sing out,louise, be your true, authentic
self.
But today I want you to reallydecide to start discovering who
that is.
Marty Right, start discoveringwhat's in there.
(23:44):
Start discovering being excitedby being engaged with, and then
do something about living lifeto the fullest, from the fullest
as the fullest, because that'swho you are.
Namaste.
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