January 15, 2024 • 34 mins
Picture the most exhilarating yet daunting rollercoaster you've ever been on—that's the tale you're about to hear, but with the added twist of love's complexities and the shadows of addiction. Join me as I peel back the layers of a breakup that felt like a theme park ride gone awry, complete with sleep-deprived drives and a battle against hot sauce-induced pain to stay awake. The chaos didn't end there; I'll take you from the dizzying 'puppy love' stage to the soul-searching conversations with family that helped me navigate through the fog.
Our emotional landscape often hides the true extent of our struggles, like a silent undertow. This episode sees me confronting the real pressures that money and social media can exert on relationships. From the confined intimacy of a budget Airbnb escape to the eye-opening discussion with my aunt, I lay bare the financial and online habits that insidiously strain the ties that bind. As I share the jarring realization of these relationship tremors, feel the tension, the raw revelation, and the ultimate pursuit of balance that many of us wrestle with in our own lives.
Lastly, let's talk about the courage it takes to face our demons, particularly when they coil around our most vulnerable moments. I'm pulling back the curtain on the silent struggle with a porn addiction that many shy away from discussing. Alongside that, we'll explore the hustle of content creation on a dime, the relentless push for audience engagement, and the wild stories that I'm ready to share. If you're braced for a no-holds-barred conversation that mixes personal growth with gritty determination, then strap in—you're in the right place.
if you enjoyed the show be sure to check out my info:
https://app.wingcard.io/ROB3SA64
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Hello, hello everybody.
Sorry for the delay on posting.
I know I said I would.
Here I am, I'm uh, there's beena few things that came up, um,
a lot.
Actually.
I got hit, and hit pretty hard,on my birthday.
Um, I was helping my dad outTrimetry, so I was kind of out
of commission for a week andwhen I recorded the 2024 outline
(00:27):
I was still a little deliriousfrom the hit.
So, yeah, there was that Um in2023, I broke up with my ex Um.
That was one hell of a rollercoaster and I'll get into that a
little bit.
On this Um, it's uh, it's one ofthose I think talking about it
(00:49):
will help, maybe someone in thefuture listening, if not,
whatever.
And then a couple of um liketidbits, I guess.
So, uh, the first one isobviously the uh, the breakup
with my ex Um.
Actually, I attempted to breakup for three times.
That should have been mywarning.
(01:10):
The first and the second timeit's like, okay, you want to
leave this woman for some reason.
Um, but very, very lost over Um.
In the beginning it was love Uh,you could call it love bombing.
Uh, she was texting me, I wastexting her all the time.
(01:31):
I was like two twin flamesfinding each other and just like
, oh my God, friends, finally,um, but as time progressed, uh,
she slowly started showing whoshe was.
Well, I slowly started seeingwho she was.
I, I could see who she was andit wasn't like a mystery.
So that part, I just was deepin the puppy love stage.
(01:58):
Puffy love, um, yeah so.
But then there was the, theevident, the clear day, that
kind of was like the.
The point was um December, uh,december 14th to be exact, I was
going to Disneyland with her.
Her mom's friend got a works atDisneyland and got us some free
(02:20):
tickets.
So I didn't have to pay and, uh, I was getting whispers of I
was going to get hired for therailroad.
That's where I took my longbreak in 2023.
Um, and uh, yeah, so I, we wentto Disneyland and I was working
night shift at that time, so Istill had my body trained to go
(02:44):
to sleep by um 1pm, no matterwhat, even if I was off, just
1pm, you're asleep.
So I'm fighting going to sleep.
Um, we don't start heading hometo like five or 6pm, so that'd
be like me doing all nighter.
For a normal person, like your,bedtime's like 10, well, for
(03:04):
night shift, like every hour youmiss out of 30 minutes, kind of
thing.
So it was like 6, 7amequivalents for someone else.
Um, and near the end of being atDisneyland she started having
like just jealous fits.
Oh, you're looking at so and soyou wanting her more than me.
And I was like no, I was tryingto figure out why she's wearing
(03:29):
flat pink with neon green.
It wasn't quite match, but Imean, I guess it worked because
I'm looking at her and I think.
And then, um, uh, sheessentially started having an
existential crisis in theparking lot at Disneyland.
So we're sitting there for anhour trying to figure that out,
(03:51):
but I'm pretty much drunk fromnot sleeping.
We can't drive cause she'scrying.
So I said you know what?
I literally just took my hand,slapped the shoe on my face as
hard as I could in front of herand said, okay, uh, adrenaline
that should wake me up for aboutthe next 10, 20 minutes.
Then I looked at her and I'mlike then we're going to have to
(04:12):
go get some Tabasco from a7-Eleven.
And she looked at me and shelike hot sauce, why would you
need that?
Cause I'm.
I looked at her, I'm going topour that straight in my eyes.
That's a lot of pain, a lotmore adrenaline while I wake up.
So, instead of the paintreatment I gave myself, um, she
mildly pulled herself togetherand was more giving me, um,
(04:36):
nudges in the arm, saying, hey,you're drifting, wake up.
In that instance, well, it wasmore preserving her life.
She was really nice.
But when we got back, um, thisis back when I was still doing
edibles and weed and smoking alot, um, there's a whole thing
with me having paranoia andpanic attacks when I wasn't
(04:58):
smoking.
But essentially I took a like atwo milligram dose of THC
edible and then I was reallyscrewed up.
So I was taking 20 milligramsof melatonin.
So I told her hey, for here,I'm going to go in and take my
(05:18):
meds, I'll say goodbye to you,because it's like say goodbye to
her.
It was like a 40 minute to anhour episode even before this,
but I at first thought it wascute and it got annoying really
quick.
But I told her, I said, hey,I'm going to take this, I need
you to respect the fact that Itook this and I need to go to
(05:39):
sleep.
And she's like yeah, yeah, yeah, okay, okay, and I'll come back
.
And she's sitting there like alittle princess and it was all
cute and the big bushy eyes.
I said, all right, princess,got to go.
You ever kiss on the forehead?
And she grabs my arm andsuddenly she is just bawling,
lying and I sat there and Iliterally a voice in my head,
(06:06):
said, just go, just leave, damnit, just go.
I didn't listen to it, but itsaved myself a lot of headaches,
so I stayed and if anyone knowswhat it's like to take a
melatonin and then resist it andstay awake, you just see some
shit.
And then I'm taking, I took asmall dose of edible, so I'm
(06:28):
really seeing and feeling shit.
And I had to pull myselftogether and she did a.
She was known for doing a loop.
So she'd say one thing, I'dcomment, ask a question.
She'd say another thing, I'dcomment, ask a question, say a
third thing, same thing.
And the fourth I'd say thecomment question, but then
(06:50):
somehow reset back to one.
It was really weird.
I'm sure I know what thetechnical psychology behind that
is, but I can't recall itoffhand Did that for three hours
.
It was like 45 minutes a cycle.
So finally I just told her I'mlike, hey, I just have to go.
The like saving grace was whenmom called and said hey, I see
(07:14):
you're at Josh's house still,what are you doing, baby girl?
Do you need me to come over andpick you up?
Are you too tired?
Kind of thing.
That was my saving grace.
So I got out, she called hermom, she drove home, kind of
thing.
Many, many, many months later,the mom that she told me she's
(07:34):
like yeah, I didn't realize howout of sorts my little girl was
until she came home and wascrying and we went to the
hospital.
I'm just like I messed up.
I messed up.
My, my Josh is going to leaveme.
Blah, blah, blah.
I was looking at the mombecause me and the mom had a
(07:56):
really good relationship, a nice, healthy one, like the one of
the few healthy relationshipsI've had.
Um, but I told her on my dude,I was really thinking of just
like man, I hate to tell her ather lowest point, but like this
is fucking disrespectful.
Like I want to go to sleep youknow I need to sleep Don't get
(08:19):
best sleep being a night shiftperson and it was just super
disrespectful.
Um, then there was me going tothe railroad, so I did get the
job and um, well, a little sidestory on my birthday weekend for
2023.
Um, 2022, into 2023.
(08:42):
Um, we essentially rented outAirbnb.
We found this cute little Asiancouples million dollar condo
and they were running a room outfor like 50 bucks an IPer and,
um, it was just, it was just abed.
Like, if you could fit three inthere, go for it 50 bucks, kind
of thing.
So, um, yeah, the the wholeplan was just like.
(09:06):
Her thing was like hey, I amyour gift.
Like I am, I am your gift toyou.
Yeah, grammar sucks right now.
Um, but so it was.
It was like use me as, as,however you want.
For the weekend.
I did ring that bell a lot.
Um, we pretty much just had sexsleep, eat, um, snuggle and
(09:30):
play some board games.
Rinse and repeat was one hellof a fun weekend, oh my gosh.
Um.
So then in February, when it wasconfirmed I was heading out to
Texas for the railroad, we didthe same thing.
Like, we rented out a bestWestern nearby.
She didn't want to do theAirbnb because I was ghetto, so
(09:51):
it was claiming oh, by the way,ever since the December 14th,
she became more and more, um,sassy, but also unlike, rude,
and a rude I've never seenbefore from her.
So she said the Airbnb is justtoo tacky, too cheap.
(10:12):
I'm better than this.
There was, it was just itsmelled funny and I was like,
yeah, yeah, someone else's houseis like, yeah, someone else's
house, of course it's gonnasmell different kind of thing.
So we rented out a best Western.
I was getting railroad money,so like a thousand bucks a week.
I knew it was coming, so wewent halfway, had whatever left
(10:35):
over from my previous check fromworking as a janitor night
shifts, and it was supposed tobe a repeat of birthday weekend,
not even close.
It was just her complaining andcomplaining and complaining.
I was in our red flag, didn'tcatch that one.
So then I take off to drive offto Texas.
(10:58):
Obviously my mom was all chokedup, my, my girl at the time,
the ex was all choked up.
My dad, he pretty much justcouldn't see me leave.
He, it was too hard for him.
So I take off and go drivingand where I was driving there
was a lot of dead zones so Icouldn't take calls.
(11:20):
But eventually I got a nicelong stretch, patch, long
stretch, patch, long area withsignal and called my apps and
again the complaining and thecomplaining and the complaining,
and catch it.
I was like I get it, I nervesanything.
(11:40):
I'm suddenly moving, I'mleaving, she's not useful, she's
not good with change, I thinktelling myself that.
So in Texas, when I got there,she kept asking about what, what
times do I have off, whatweekends, this and that, blah,
blah, blah.
And I told her I said, hey,well, pretty much any Saturday
(12:02):
or Sunday, unless somethingcomes up, kind of thing.
So she, she actually bought aticket and flew out.
That was really cool for her,like that.
I didn't expect until sheannounced it and I they brought
me my favorite food fromCalifornia, made me their
Christmas crack in February.
Um, oh my gosh, it was thegreatest.
(12:26):
Again at this point now she'sreally addicted to tick-tock,
like she's watching tick-tockobnoxiously and it's that's
actually was the kind of I waskind of getting insulted because
we're trying to show differentthings and she just watched
tick-tock and I was like, okay,trying to, didn't dismiss that
(12:47):
by.
That's weird.
So her claim on her, her videoson her tick-tock, is that she
flew out and I was really roughand rude with her, didn't give
her the praise and blah, blah,blah.
To be honest, she wanted to doit I guess one day.
(13:08):
So I said, okay, on lunch Icome home.
I got to do it, but I only have30 minutes.
If I'm late, I'm.
I could get in a lot of troubleand get fired before this game
even gets started, kind of thing.
Okay, babe, totally understand,come home, we try to do the
deed.
I know it was quite rude, notsettling afterwards, but I'm
(13:30):
like, hey, I have to go, like Ihave five minutes and it's a
five-minute drive, I'm reallygonna make it.
And I realized, yes, that wasvery rude, no settling
afterwards, but I needed to getto work, nothing.
So then I tried to make it upto her afterwards.
(13:50):
She just watched tick-tock thewhole weekend and I actually
asked her in person my hell, didyou fly yourself out here only
to watch tick-tock?
You just literally paid $340 towatch tick-tock in a bed in
Texas.
Go see your aunt, go see yourcousins, kind of thing.
I'm like don't be in herewatching tick-tock, go.
You have family out here, gosee them.
(14:10):
She'll, I'm here for you.
I'm like I'm busy, kind ofthing.
Yeah, I met her aunt.
Really nice lady.
She's like the mom Really cool.
Essentially, me and the aunt gottalking about different things
(14:36):
and essentially she told me shewas the first I think that was
the first domino to actuallyregister that the set is falling
.
I said how are you and Sabridoing?
My ex is Sabrina, by the way,so they would call her Sabri and
I said, oh yeah, me and Sabriare doing, we're doing okay.
And I just finished an argumentwith her and no one won, by the
(15:01):
way.
And she's like you look tiredand worn out, kind of thing.
And she gave me a big hug andlike we just met, kind of thing.
And she's saying this to me.
And that's when I registered.
I'm like, oh, something's wrong, something's really wrong, kind
(15:21):
of thing.
So, as some time passes and I goback in California trying to do
my job, and essentially thesame thing, she was constantly
calling me, calling me about herday.
Oh, and after December 14th,another thing she started doing,
on top of watching more TikTok,was um, emphasizing that men
(15:44):
are stupid, men are neanderthals, men are disgusting and
dangerous.
And so she would say, oh, themen at work.
And I was like, oh, the men aretraglodytes, kind of thing.
Oh, the men just only want youfor your body.
Oh, the men this like jokingback and I said, well, you do
(16:07):
realize like I am a man too,like oh, no, no, no, no, no, no,
you're an exception, you'reokay, you're cute and I like you
.
I'm like, yeah, I mean this isinternal.
I'm like yeah, but the way youtreat me doesn't say that at all
.
Um, so when I get back, I getfired from the railroad and I
(16:28):
call the first person.
I thought the car was where mygirlfriend and I said hey, baby
girl, I'm sorry I'm, I have tobe home by the end of the day
and I don't know what to do.
Listen that.
Her first comment.
So I asked question was not ifwhat happened?
(16:49):
Are you?
What's going on?
No, it's.
Oh darn, I guess we were notgoing to get a place to rent now
.
That was her first question andI was like what the fuck?
So I told her.
I said, hey, I need to go tellmy mom, my uncle.
I was going to ask my dad seeif I can get a job at Staters
(17:14):
again.
Mind you, I worked my ass offbefore heading off to Texas with
a grocery store I was at wasworking at as a night shift
janitor.
Me and the manager were tight.
So I said hey, a body for bodyis not a janitor for a janitor,
but at least a body for a body.
I called him.
(17:34):
He did all the paperworkthrough some time.
Eventually I had to turn downthe offer the day I was offered
it, which is my uncle needed myhelp, which I'm going to find
out.
That was the most smartestthing I ever did.
But yeah, then I became a poolguy and I really like the pool
(17:55):
guy stuff.
I don't really get bothered.
I can't even call here andthere when something weird
happens and I was the last guythere, but those don't happen
that often.
My ex realized she could call meand not get in trouble, so
she'd call me the moment shewakes up until the moment she
(18:16):
goes to work and she'd come on abreak.
Then she'd just start havingpanic attacks during work and
would call me during panicattacks.
I was getting called like sixto eight hours a day and then I
had to see her for hours inperson.
That's essentially the firstattempt.
(18:37):
I was like, hey, I'm just goingto, we're breaking up, kind of
thing.
She's like oh, I'll do better,I'll do better, I'll change.
No, I even said that no, you'renot going to change.
She's like well, you changed,you became less this, you did
this, I can do it too, butyou're going to have to give me
time.
I was like fine, fine, yes,okay.
(18:57):
Second attempt, which, july 4th,eventually, I actually just
sent it.
I was going to be a chickenshit and just do it over the
phone and be like we're done.
Essentially, she, she like,meet me in person, just meet me
in person, halfway, let's talkat target kind of thing.
Off to target.
(19:18):
And then tricked me intostaying with her.
Okay, I mean, she guilted meinto it.
I guess I could be considered atrick but saying, oh, you did
this, you did that, you don'teven consider my feelings, blah,
blah, blah.
So I go buy some hot dogs andhot dog buns long for for July.
(19:43):
Surprisingly, walmart had it.
I was really surprised,actually.
And we're having a cookout fire, this and that.
Questions are just where doesall get out?
And my mom at this point isreally worried about me because
my stress has just gotten to abad point.
I'm stressed from heat, I'mstressed from work, I'm stressed
(20:04):
from Sabrina, I'm stressed withlife.
It's not in a good spot.
I was not in a good spot sonear the end, when the sun was
setting, I sent my ex homesaying, hey, you need to get
going.
Once the fireworks start, thedrugs are going to start driving
, kind of thing.
(20:26):
As I say that, one of the hillscatch me fire nearby and I'm
like, oh my gosh.
And that's when she's allcomplaining like no, I can't go,
I can't leave you, I can't dothis, I just can't.
And she sees the fire and she'slike, oh, yeah, okay, for a
different reason, I can't go.
And I just know when, yellingat her well, just well, it'll be
(20:49):
fine, kind of thing.
Yeah, the fire went out, by theway, it was pretty quick.
The fire team nearby wasspot-on, they were good, yeah.
Then even the mom of my ex wastexting me saying, hey, if you
need a place to stay for a while, it's your house burns.
(21:09):
We got you.
Blah, blah, blah, never need totake that offer.
And so then, september 11th, Iknow another one of those.
Wow, josh, you couldn't havepicked a better day to do it.
Um, had her show up to a localmall.
(21:29):
Like I planned it out, we hadit.
So it was the 9th or the 10th.
Me and her had a terribleargument like at this point.
Since the July 4th to theSeptember area, the arguing has
gotten to the point we're justgoing for the emotional jugular,
(21:49):
like we're just seeing whocould believe the hardest.
And this point I'm pretty muchpretty much on deaf's door.
I'm so emotionally drained thething that made me confirm it
because after the argument Icalled the mom again.
I had never really texted orinterfered with the mom, my ex,
(22:10):
I just this one.
I had a caller and I was likeyou heard what happened last
night, who's in the wrong?
And I think I said I know youhave Sabrina in your best
interest.
You also heard the wholeargument and she said you were
100% correct and the way youhandle it was more than stellar.
(22:32):
She's like she was the immatureone.
And then I was like I'm soscared of this.
And that's where she likepaused and I could hear her like
having something to fidget withand said Josh, one thing we've
been needing to tell you but wejust never get around to it was
(22:53):
we look like are you okay?
I'm like well, I'm alive, myheart's beating.
She's like no, do you feelempty and tired?
I'm like, yeah, like you looklike you're dying.
Every day you show up to makemy baby girl feel better.
You look like you're only,you're a step away from death
(23:15):
and I was like what that's?
When I realized I'm like Ican't, you can't continue this.
So it was like three or fourdays later is when I did, when
that all played out and sheguilted me into staying with her
.
Just friends, just friends.
The next day I woke up and I hadI get a lot of vivid dreams
(23:39):
when I'm processing stuff and Iactually remember and the dream
was essentially her sitting inmy my fuck, it's an old
neighborhood, but it wasessentially where this old
neighborhood was and it was likeme driving on this white
concrete that my martial artsinstructor and martial arts
buddy, lord.
(24:00):
What they said, oh, it's okay,but no excuses, you're a man,
kind of thing.
If you can't handle it either,leave her man up, kind of thing.
And I get back in the truckafter feeling bad about their
work and they fix it, kind ofthing.
And I look over at my ex andshe has these big, glowing red
eyes and super sharp, pointyteeth, her face is super
(24:22):
stretched out and she's growlinglike a freaking wolf.
And I look at her and go whatthe fuck are you doing kind of
thing, and she's like, oh, now Iwoke up and I couldn't go back
to sleep and that's when Irealized I'm Mike.
That's going to be therelationship.
(24:42):
That is the summary of myrelationship with her.
If I continue as friends, shewill make it a point to hurt me.
I mean, I'm a contact heranytime I see her.
She will hurt me and she willalways hurt me.
So I sent her a voice message.
She called me, wanted to tellme a few things via phone.
(25:07):
So fallout after September 12was pretty rough.
I mean, I was essentiallyemotionally whipsawed,
manipulated, trauma-bond,whatever you want to say went
through the ringer.
The first month was hard.
I did break my promise.
(25:28):
I did see her in person once.
That actually worked out prettywell.
I would text her once or twicea week and then finally it got
awkward and I completely blockedher after sending her a TikTok
video about how this was a dudein a truck saying, hey, I wish
(25:50):
you could see the way I see you.
I wish you could understandwhat I've been through.
But you can't, and that's okay.
What kind of thing.
So, yeah, pateroff completelywent cold.
Turkey deleted her on all mysocial media stuff and not gonna
(26:11):
lie, now in it's January 15,2024, 5 pm that I'm recording
this.
I don't really think about herthat much anymore, other than
them, because I did a lot withher for a year.
So, other than comments like,oh yeah, me and Sabrina did this
, or Sabrina said that, like Idon't pine for her anymore,
(26:36):
that's big.
The one thing, though, now thereal fallout from this and I'm
still struggling with it is theJanuary 4 until the breakup in
September, and even afterwards Ireally had a bit of a mild porn
addiction that, but it was likethey had Sabrina.
(26:59):
I was like, oh, I don't need itthat much, kind of thing.
And yeah, that after leavingher because she was like really
curvy, thick Latina, likegorgeous, plump and everything
and they go all the right places, so little dude, the little
(27:21):
soldier, kept standing atattention and would just be like
let's go, I think.
And chun, after leaving her, Igot super hornies.
I was like, so I was watching alot of porn just to alleviate
the stress.
It worked for like I don't knowtwo weeks.
(27:41):
And then suddenly I'm like, oh,this is like genuine.
This is after the breakup, butthat's we're saying like January
4.
January, no, july 4.
Wow, sorry if I confused youJuly 4, september 12.
Um so, from July 4, I wasstruggling.
(28:05):
I was using porn more often tocope with the stress and after
September 12, I really used it.
I tapered off a little bit likethe late October November area,
and but then it just kicked upand I also didn't help myself in
(28:31):
any situation.
I got a boy essentially, and soSwiss, from one method to
another, made it morepleasurable and more addictive.
I was really thought well,thought through.
So, after getting hit in thehead on my birthday, having to
go to the yard pretty muchconfused for like a week, they
(28:56):
used again porn and masturbationas a like pain killer.
Like I was in a very stressfulsituation.
I'm like I know dopamine canhelp in a short term of pain,
but it also misses up my abilityto process other stuff.
I think it was after watching acertain video I was just like,
why am I doing this kind ofthing?
(29:17):
I was like, why did I go downto this path?
And it was like somethingsnapped in my heart, it was like
a rope, and suddenly I felt arush and I realized I'm like no,
I am full fledged addictedright now, like I am literally,
metaphorically, balls deep intothis and so I tried giving it up
(29:43):
, relapsed, relapsed again andrelapsed again.
But um, how I realized I had aproblem is I couldn't get up
unless I fired up my phone andlooked up a certain hentai comic
and yeah, suddenly little dudeshad attention, rock hard and
(30:07):
everything, and I kind of liketoday's reason why I'm recording
it and posting it today and I'mnot even going to try to clean
up all those blunders.
I realized I'm like, oh my God,I'm still addicted.
So I downloaded all these pornfilter apps and trackers and all
that.
So I'm trying to get my shittogether.
(30:29):
Getting addicted to porn around11, being an on again, off again
relationship, I think this isgoing to be one of the hardest
fights in my life because that'sa lot of bitchy pattern.
So just kind of wanted to saythat.
I know usually Mondays I talkabout business or whatever, but
(30:51):
just wanted to get that off mychest.
Hopefully I helped someone.
I will try to figure out how tomake this a video.
I'm trying to short on cash soI can't afford your video
editing software and stuff likethat.
So I'm using Audacity andOpenShot video editor, so I'm
(31:12):
going to try different methodsof posting videos.
I'm also working on differentthumbnails and how to use them
for a little better impressionsand click through, but also just
what works and what doesn't.
I just talked about my pornaddiction, but I'm like I wonder
(31:34):
if big booby anime girls getpeople to click, or is it more
like a mysterious classy, fullycovered when a guy or gal works
Like what's this, who's this?
Mysterious man kind of thing,and so I'm going to play with
around with that.
I made two dummy accounts, soif one of them gets in trouble,
(32:00):
it's not my intention to makemoney off it anyways, but I'm
also going to try differentcontent on them.
One might be more just likeradical and Shapiro or Jordan
Peterson saying, hey, you got todo this, I don't care what the
others fucking say, you got todo this.
And then one might just be likethe stereotypical SEO If you
(32:25):
want to get over this, youshould do this, and here's why
Pay attention to the end.
So yeah, I'm going to work onthose and figure out this video.
Yeah, this is a bit of a hotmess, hot take.
Hopefully it's helpful and ifyou have any other topics you
(32:49):
want to hear or talk about.
I have a lot of like coolstories in my head and shit I've
gone through.
I mean, my ability to not seered flags is amazing and I've
gotten myself into some fuckingcrazy stories.
So if you want to hear some ofthose, give me a holler.
(33:10):
Yeah, other than that, have agood one, everybody, and see you
next time.
Hello, hello everybody.
Sorry for the delay on posting.
I know I said I would.
Here I am, I'm uh, there's beena few things that came up, um,
a lot.
Actually.
I got hit, and hit pretty hard,on my birthday.
Um, I was helping my dad outTrimetry, so I was kind of out
of commission for a week andwhen I recorded the 2024 outline
(00:27):
I was still a little deliriousfrom the hit.
So, yeah, there was that Um in2023, I broke up with my ex Um.
That was one hell of a rollercoaster and I'll get into that a
little bit.
On this Um, it's uh, it's one ofthose I think talking about it
(00:49):
will help, maybe someone in thefuture listening, if not,
whatever.
And then a couple of um liketidbits, I guess.
So, uh, the first one isobviously the uh, the breakup
with my ex Um.
Actually, I attempted to breakup for three times.
That should have been mywarning.
(01:10):
The first and the second timeit's like, okay, you want to
leave this woman for some reason.
Um, but very, very lost over Um.
In the beginning it was love Uh,you could call it love bombing.
Uh, she was texting me, I wastexting her all the time.
(01:31):
I was like two twin flamesfinding each other and just like
, oh my God, friends, finally,um, but as time progressed, uh,
she slowly started showing whoshe was.
Well, I slowly started seeingwho she was.
I, I could see who she was andit wasn't like a mystery.
So that part, I just was deepin the puppy love stage.
(01:58):
Puffy love, um, yeah so.
But then there was the, theevident, the clear day, that
kind of was like the.
The point was um December, uh,december 14th to be exact, I was
going to Disneyland with her.
Her mom's friend got a works atDisneyland and got us some free
(02:20):
tickets.
So I didn't have to pay and, uh, I was getting whispers of I
was going to get hired for therailroad.
That's where I took my longbreak in 2023.
Um, and uh, yeah, so I, we wentto Disneyland and I was working
night shift at that time, so Istill had my body trained to go
(02:44):
to sleep by um 1pm, no matterwhat, even if I was off, just
1pm, you're asleep.
So I'm fighting going to sleep.
Um, we don't start heading hometo like five or 6pm, so that'd
be like me doing all nighter.
For a normal person, like your,bedtime's like 10, well, for
(03:04):
night shift, like every hour youmiss out of 30 minutes, kind of
thing.
So it was like 6, 7amequivalents for someone else.
Um, and near the end of being atDisneyland she started having
like just jealous fits.
Oh, you're looking at so and soyou wanting her more than me.
And I was like no, I was tryingto figure out why she's wearing
(03:29):
flat pink with neon green.
It wasn't quite match, but Imean, I guess it worked because
I'm looking at her and I think.
And then, um, uh, sheessentially started having an
existential crisis in theparking lot at Disneyland.
So we're sitting there for anhour trying to figure that out,
(03:51):
but I'm pretty much drunk fromnot sleeping.
We can't drive cause she'scrying.
So I said you know what?
I literally just took my hand,slapped the shoe on my face as
hard as I could in front of herand said, okay, uh, adrenaline
that should wake me up for aboutthe next 10, 20 minutes.
Then I looked at her and I'mlike then we're going to have to
(04:12):
go get some Tabasco from a7-Eleven.
And she looked at me and shelike hot sauce, why would you
need that?
Cause I'm.
I looked at her, I'm going topour that straight in my eyes.
That's a lot of pain, a lotmore adrenaline while I wake up.
So, instead of the paintreatment I gave myself, um, she
mildly pulled herself togetherand was more giving me, um,
(04:36):
nudges in the arm, saying, hey,you're drifting, wake up.
In that instance, well, it wasmore preserving her life.
She was really nice.
But when we got back, um, thisis back when I was still doing
edibles and weed and smoking alot, um, there's a whole thing
with me having paranoia andpanic attacks when I wasn't
(04:58):
smoking.
But essentially I took a like atwo milligram dose of THC
edible and then I was reallyscrewed up.
So I was taking 20 milligramsof melatonin.
So I told her hey, for here,I'm going to go in and take my
(05:18):
meds, I'll say goodbye to you,because it's like say goodbye to
her.
It was like a 40 minute to anhour episode even before this,
but I at first thought it wascute and it got annoying really
quick.
But I told her, I said, hey,I'm going to take this, I need
you to respect the fact that Itook this and I need to go to
(05:39):
sleep.
And she's like yeah, yeah, yeah, okay, okay, and I'll come back
.
And she's sitting there like alittle princess and it was all
cute and the big bushy eyes.
I said, all right, princess,got to go.
You ever kiss on the forehead?
And she grabs my arm andsuddenly she is just bawling,
lying and I sat there and Iliterally a voice in my head,
(06:06):
said, just go, just leave, damnit, just go.
I didn't listen to it, but itsaved myself a lot of headaches,
so I stayed and if anyone knowswhat it's like to take a
melatonin and then resist it andstay awake, you just see some
shit.
And then I'm taking, I took asmall dose of edible, so I'm
(06:28):
really seeing and feeling shit.
And I had to pull myselftogether and she did a.
She was known for doing a loop.
So she'd say one thing, I'dcomment, ask a question.
She'd say another thing, I'dcomment, ask a question, say a
third thing, same thing.
And the fourth I'd say thecomment question, but then
(06:50):
somehow reset back to one.
It was really weird.
I'm sure I know what thetechnical psychology behind that
is, but I can't recall itoffhand Did that for three hours
.
It was like 45 minutes a cycle.
So finally I just told her I'mlike, hey, I just have to go.
The like saving grace was whenmom called and said hey, I see
(07:14):
you're at Josh's house still,what are you doing, baby girl?
Do you need me to come over andpick you up?
Are you too tired?
Kind of thing.
That was my saving grace.
So I got out, she called hermom, she drove home, kind of
thing.
Many, many, many months later,the mom that she told me she's
(07:34):
like yeah, I didn't realize howout of sorts my little girl was
until she came home and wascrying and we went to the
hospital.
I'm just like I messed up.
I messed up.
My, my Josh is going to leaveme.
Blah, blah, blah.
I was looking at the mombecause me and the mom had a
(07:56):
really good relationship, a nice, healthy one, like the one of
the few healthy relationshipsI've had.
Um, but I told her on my dude,I was really thinking of just
like man, I hate to tell her ather lowest point, but like this
is fucking disrespectful.
Like I want to go to sleep youknow I need to sleep Don't get
(08:19):
best sleep being a night shiftperson and it was just super
disrespectful.
Um, then there was me going tothe railroad, so I did get the
job and um, well, a little sidestory on my birthday weekend for
2023.
Um, 2022, into 2023.
(08:42):
Um, we essentially rented outAirbnb.
We found this cute little Asiancouples million dollar condo
and they were running a room outfor like 50 bucks an IPer and,
um, it was just, it was just abed.
Like, if you could fit three inthere, go for it 50 bucks, kind
of thing.
So, um, yeah, the the wholeplan was just like.
(09:06):
Her thing was like hey, I amyour gift.
Like I am, I am your gift toyou.
Yeah, grammar sucks right now.
Um, but so it was.
It was like use me as, as,however you want.
For the weekend.
I did ring that bell a lot.
Um, we pretty much just had sexsleep, eat, um, snuggle and
(09:30):
play some board games.
Rinse and repeat was one hellof a fun weekend, oh my gosh.
Um.
So then in February, when it wasconfirmed I was heading out to
Texas for the railroad, we didthe same thing.
Like, we rented out a bestWestern nearby.
She didn't want to do theAirbnb because I was ghetto, so
(09:51):
it was claiming oh, by the way,ever since the December 14th,
she became more and more, um,sassy, but also unlike, rude,
and a rude I've never seenbefore from her.
So she said the Airbnb is justtoo tacky, too cheap.
(10:12):
I'm better than this.
There was, it was just itsmelled funny and I was like,
yeah, yeah, someone else's houseis like, yeah, someone else's
house, of course it's gonnasmell different kind of thing.
So we rented out a best Western.
I was getting railroad money,so like a thousand bucks a week.
I knew it was coming, so wewent halfway, had whatever left
(10:35):
over from my previous check fromworking as a janitor night
shifts, and it was supposed tobe a repeat of birthday weekend,
not even close.
It was just her complaining andcomplaining and complaining.
I was in our red flag, didn'tcatch that one.
So then I take off to drive offto Texas.
(10:58):
Obviously my mom was all chokedup, my, my girl at the time,
the ex was all choked up.
My dad, he pretty much justcouldn't see me leave.
He, it was too hard for him.
So I take off and go drivingand where I was driving there
was a lot of dead zones so Icouldn't take calls.
(11:20):
But eventually I got a nicelong stretch, patch, long
stretch, patch, long area withsignal and called my apps and
again the complaining and thecomplaining and the complaining,
and catch it.
I was like I get it, I nervesanything.
(11:40):
I'm suddenly moving, I'mleaving, she's not useful, she's
not good with change, I thinktelling myself that.
So in Texas, when I got there,she kept asking about what, what
times do I have off, whatweekends, this and that, blah,
blah, blah.
And I told her I said, hey,well, pretty much any Saturday
(12:02):
or Sunday, unless somethingcomes up, kind of thing.
So she, she actually bought aticket and flew out.
That was really cool for her,like that.
I didn't expect until sheannounced it and I they brought
me my favorite food fromCalifornia, made me their
Christmas crack in February.
Um, oh my gosh, it was thegreatest.
(12:26):
Again at this point now she'sreally addicted to tick-tock,
like she's watching tick-tockobnoxiously and it's that's
actually was the kind of I waskind of getting insulted because
we're trying to show differentthings and she just watched
tick-tock and I was like, okay,trying to, didn't dismiss that
(12:47):
by.
That's weird.
So her claim on her, her videoson her tick-tock, is that she
flew out and I was really roughand rude with her, didn't give
her the praise and blah, blah,blah.
To be honest, she wanted to doit I guess one day.
(13:08):
So I said, okay, on lunch Icome home.
I got to do it, but I only have30 minutes.
If I'm late, I'm.
I could get in a lot of troubleand get fired before this game
even gets started, kind of thing.
Okay, babe, totally understand,come home, we try to do the
deed.
I know it was quite rude, notsettling afterwards, but I'm
(13:30):
like, hey, I have to go, like Ihave five minutes and it's a
five-minute drive, I'm reallygonna make it.
And I realized, yes, that wasvery rude, no settling
afterwards, but I needed to getto work, nothing.
So then I tried to make it upto her afterwards.
(13:50):
She just watched tick-tock thewhole weekend and I actually
asked her in person my hell, didyou fly yourself out here only
to watch tick-tock?
You just literally paid $340 towatch tick-tock in a bed in
Texas.
Go see your aunt, go see yourcousins, kind of thing.
I'm like don't be in herewatching tick-tock, go.
You have family out here, gosee them.
(14:10):
She'll, I'm here for you.
I'm like I'm busy, kind ofthing.
Yeah, I met her aunt.
Really nice lady.
She's like the mom Really cool.
Essentially, me and the aunt gottalking about different things
(14:36):
and essentially she told me shewas the first I think that was
the first domino to actuallyregister that the set is falling
.
I said how are you and Sabridoing?
My ex is Sabrina, by the way,so they would call her Sabri and
I said, oh yeah, me and Sabriare doing, we're doing okay.
And I just finished an argumentwith her and no one won, by the
(15:01):
way.
And she's like you look tiredand worn out, kind of thing.
And she gave me a big hug andlike we just met, kind of thing.
And she's saying this to me.
And that's when I registered.
I'm like, oh, something's wrong, something's really wrong, kind
(15:21):
of thing.
So, as some time passes and I goback in California trying to do
my job, and essentially thesame thing, she was constantly
calling me, calling me about herday.
Oh, and after December 14th,another thing she started doing,
on top of watching more TikTok,was um, emphasizing that men
(15:44):
are stupid, men are neanderthals, men are disgusting and
dangerous.
And so she would say, oh, themen at work.
And I was like, oh, the men aretraglodytes, kind of thing.
Oh, the men just only want youfor your body.
Oh, the men this like jokingback and I said, well, you do
(16:07):
realize like I am a man too,like oh, no, no, no, no, no, no,
you're an exception, you'reokay, you're cute and I like you
.
I'm like, yeah, I mean this isinternal.
I'm like yeah, but the way youtreat me doesn't say that at all
.
Um, so when I get back, I getfired from the railroad and I
(16:28):
call the first person.
I thought the car was where mygirlfriend and I said hey, baby
girl, I'm sorry I'm, I have tobe home by the end of the day
and I don't know what to do.
Listen that.
Her first comment.
So I asked question was not ifwhat happened?
(16:49):
Are you?
What's going on?
No, it's.
Oh darn, I guess we were notgoing to get a place to rent now
.
That was her first question andI was like what the fuck?
So I told her.
I said, hey, I need to go tellmy mom, my uncle.
I was going to ask my dad seeif I can get a job at Staters
(17:14):
again.
Mind you, I worked my ass offbefore heading off to Texas with
a grocery store I was at wasworking at as a night shift
janitor.
Me and the manager were tight.
So I said hey, a body for bodyis not a janitor for a janitor,
but at least a body for a body.
I called him.
(17:34):
He did all the paperworkthrough some time.
Eventually I had to turn downthe offer the day I was offered
it, which is my uncle needed myhelp, which I'm going to find
out.
That was the most smartestthing I ever did.
But yeah, then I became a poolguy and I really like the pool
(17:55):
guy stuff.
I don't really get bothered.
I can't even call here andthere when something weird
happens and I was the last guythere, but those don't happen
that often.
My ex realized she could call meand not get in trouble, so
she'd call me the moment shewakes up until the moment she
(18:16):
goes to work and she'd come on abreak.
Then she'd just start havingpanic attacks during work and
would call me during panicattacks.
I was getting called like sixto eight hours a day and then I
had to see her for hours inperson.
That's essentially the firstattempt.
(18:37):
I was like, hey, I'm just goingto, we're breaking up, kind of
thing.
She's like oh, I'll do better,I'll do better, I'll change.
No, I even said that no, you'renot going to change.
She's like well, you changed,you became less this, you did
this, I can do it too, butyou're going to have to give me
time.
I was like fine, fine, yes,okay.
(18:57):
Second attempt, which, july 4th,eventually, I actually just
sent it.
I was going to be a chickenshit and just do it over the
phone and be like we're done.
Essentially, she, she like,meet me in person, just meet me
in person, halfway, let's talkat target kind of thing.
Off to target.
(19:18):
And then tricked me intostaying with her.
Okay, I mean, she guilted meinto it.
I guess I could be considered atrick but saying, oh, you did
this, you did that, you don'teven consider my feelings, blah,
blah, blah.
So I go buy some hot dogs andhot dog buns long for for July.
(19:43):
Surprisingly, walmart had it.
I was really surprised,actually.
And we're having a cookout fire, this and that.
Questions are just where doesall get out?
And my mom at this point isreally worried about me because
my stress has just gotten to abad point.
I'm stressed from heat, I'mstressed from work, I'm stressed
(20:04):
from Sabrina, I'm stressed withlife.
It's not in a good spot.
I was not in a good spot sonear the end, when the sun was
setting, I sent my ex homesaying, hey, you need to get
going.
Once the fireworks start, thedrugs are going to start driving
, kind of thing.
(20:26):
As I say that, one of the hillscatch me fire nearby and I'm
like, oh my gosh.
And that's when she's allcomplaining like no, I can't go,
I can't leave you, I can't dothis, I just can't.
And she sees the fire and she'slike, oh, yeah, okay, for a
different reason, I can't go.
And I just know when, yellingat her well, just well, it'll be
(20:49):
fine, kind of thing.
Yeah, the fire went out, by theway, it was pretty quick.
The fire team nearby wasspot-on, they were good, yeah.
Then even the mom of my ex wastexting me saying, hey, if you
need a place to stay for a while, it's your house burns.
(21:09):
We got you.
Blah, blah, blah, never need totake that offer.
And so then, september 11th, Iknow another one of those.
Wow, josh, you couldn't havepicked a better day to do it.
Um, had her show up to a localmall.
(21:29):
Like I planned it out, we hadit.
So it was the 9th or the 10th.
Me and her had a terribleargument like at this point.
Since the July 4th to theSeptember area, the arguing has
gotten to the point we're justgoing for the emotional jugular,
(21:49):
like we're just seeing whocould believe the hardest.
And this point I'm pretty muchpretty much on deaf's door.
I'm so emotionally drained thething that made me confirm it
because after the argument Icalled the mom again.
I had never really texted orinterfered with the mom, my ex,
(22:10):
I just this one.
I had a caller and I was likeyou heard what happened last
night, who's in the wrong?
And I think I said I know youhave Sabrina in your best
interest.
You also heard the wholeargument and she said you were
100% correct and the way youhandle it was more than stellar.
(22:32):
She's like she was the immatureone.
And then I was like I'm soscared of this.
And that's where she likepaused and I could hear her like
having something to fidget withand said Josh, one thing we've
been needing to tell you but wejust never get around to it was
(22:53):
we look like are you okay?
I'm like well, I'm alive, myheart's beating.
She's like no, do you feelempty and tired?
I'm like, yeah, like you looklike you're dying.
Every day you show up to makemy baby girl feel better.
You look like you're only,you're a step away from death
(23:15):
and I was like what that's?
When I realized I'm like Ican't, you can't continue this.
So it was like three or fourdays later is when I did, when
that all played out and sheguilted me into staying with her
.
Just friends, just friends.
The next day I woke up and I hadI get a lot of vivid dreams
(23:39):
when I'm processing stuff and Iactually remember and the dream
was essentially her sitting inmy my fuck, it's an old
neighborhood, but it wasessentially where this old
neighborhood was and it was likeme driving on this white
concrete that my martial artsinstructor and martial arts
buddy, lord.
(24:00):
What they said, oh, it's okay,but no excuses, you're a man,
kind of thing.
If you can't handle it either,leave her man up, kind of thing.
And I get back in the truckafter feeling bad about their
work and they fix it, kind ofthing.
And I look over at my ex andshe has these big, glowing red
eyes and super sharp, pointyteeth, her face is super
(24:22):
stretched out and she's growlinglike a freaking wolf.
And I look at her and go whatthe fuck are you doing kind of
thing, and she's like, oh, now Iwoke up and I couldn't go back
to sleep and that's when Irealized I'm Mike.
That's going to be therelationship.
(24:42):
That is the summary of myrelationship with her.
If I continue as friends, shewill make it a point to hurt me.
I mean, I'm a contact heranytime I see her.
She will hurt me and she willalways hurt me.
So I sent her a voice message.
She called me, wanted to tellme a few things via phone.
(25:07):
So fallout after September 12was pretty rough.
I mean, I was essentiallyemotionally whipsawed,
manipulated, trauma-bond,whatever you want to say went
through the ringer.
The first month was hard.
I did break my promise.
(25:28):
I did see her in person once.
That actually worked out prettywell.
I would text her once or twicea week and then finally it got
awkward and I completely blockedher after sending her a TikTok
video about how this was a dudein a truck saying, hey, I wish
(25:50):
you could see the way I see you.
I wish you could understandwhat I've been through.
But you can't, and that's okay.
What kind of thing.
So, yeah, pateroff completelywent cold.
Turkey deleted her on all mysocial media stuff and not gonna
(26:11):
lie, now in it's January 15,2024, 5 pm that I'm recording
this.
I don't really think about herthat much anymore, other than
them, because I did a lot withher for a year.
So, other than comments like,oh yeah, me and Sabrina did this
, or Sabrina said that, like Idon't pine for her anymore,
(26:36):
that's big.
The one thing, though, now thereal fallout from this and I'm
still struggling with it is theJanuary 4 until the breakup in
September, and even afterwards Ireally had a bit of a mild porn
addiction that, but it was likethey had Sabrina.
(26:59):
I was like, oh, I don't need itthat much, kind of thing.
And yeah, that after leavingher because she was like really
curvy, thick Latina, likegorgeous, plump and everything
and they go all the right places, so little dude, the little
(27:21):
soldier, kept standing atattention and would just be like
let's go, I think.
And chun, after leaving her, Igot super hornies.
I was like, so I was watching alot of porn just to alleviate
the stress.
It worked for like I don't knowtwo weeks.
(27:41):
And then suddenly I'm like, oh,this is like genuine.
This is after the breakup, butthat's we're saying like January
4.
January, no, july 4.
Wow, sorry if I confused youJuly 4, september 12.
Um so, from July 4, I wasstruggling.
(28:05):
I was using porn more often tocope with the stress and after
September 12, I really used it.
I tapered off a little bit likethe late October November area,
and but then it just kicked upand I also didn't help myself in
(28:31):
any situation.
I got a boy essentially, and soSwiss, from one method to
another, made it morepleasurable and more addictive.
I was really thought well,thought through.
So, after getting hit in thehead on my birthday, having to
go to the yard pretty muchconfused for like a week, they
(28:56):
used again porn and masturbationas a like pain killer.
Like I was in a very stressfulsituation.
I'm like I know dopamine canhelp in a short term of pain,
but it also misses up my abilityto process other stuff.
I think it was after watching acertain video I was just like,
why am I doing this kind ofthing?
(29:17):
I was like, why did I go downto this path?
And it was like somethingsnapped in my heart, it was like
a rope, and suddenly I felt arush and I realized I'm like no,
I am full fledged addictedright now, like I am literally,
metaphorically, balls deep intothis and so I tried giving it up
(29:43):
, relapsed, relapsed again andrelapsed again.
But um, how I realized I had aproblem is I couldn't get up
unless I fired up my phone andlooked up a certain hentai comic
and yeah, suddenly little dudeshad attention, rock hard and
(30:07):
everything, and I kind of liketoday's reason why I'm recording
it and posting it today and I'mnot even going to try to clean
up all those blunders.
I realized I'm like, oh my God,I'm still addicted.
So I downloaded all these pornfilter apps and trackers and all
that.
So I'm trying to get my shittogether.
(30:29):
Getting addicted to porn around11, being an on again, off again
relationship, I think this isgoing to be one of the hardest
fights in my life because that'sa lot of bitchy pattern.
So just kind of wanted to saythat.
I know usually Mondays I talkabout business or whatever, but
(30:51):
just wanted to get that off mychest.
Hopefully I helped someone.
I will try to figure out how tomake this a video.
I'm trying to short on cash soI can't afford your video
editing software and stuff likethat.
So I'm using Audacity andOpenShot video editor, so I'm
(31:12):
going to try different methodsof posting videos.
I'm also working on differentthumbnails and how to use them
for a little better impressionsand click through, but also just
what works and what doesn't.
I just talked about my pornaddiction, but I'm like I wonder
(31:34):
if big booby anime girls getpeople to click, or is it more
like a mysterious classy, fullycovered when a guy or gal works
Like what's this, who's this?
Mysterious man kind of thing,and so I'm going to play with
around with that.
I made two dummy accounts, soif one of them gets in trouble,
(32:00):
it's not my intention to makemoney off it anyways, but I'm
also going to try differentcontent on them.
One might be more just likeradical and Shapiro or Jordan
Peterson saying, hey, you got todo this, I don't care what the
others fucking say, you got todo this.
And then one might just be likethe stereotypical SEO If you
(32:25):
want to get over this, youshould do this, and here's why
Pay attention to the end.
So yeah, I'm going to work onthose and figure out this video.
Yeah, this is a bit of a hotmess, hot take.
Hopefully it's helpful and ifyou have any other topics you
(32:49):
want to hear or talk about.
I have a lot of like coolstories in my head and shit I've
gone through.
I mean, my ability to not seered flags is amazing and I've
gotten myself into some fuckingcrazy stories.
So if you want to hear some ofthose, give me a holler.
(33:10):
Yeah, other than that, have agood one, everybody, and see you
next time.
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