October 17, 2024 • 29 mins
Rainie Howard is a bestselling author, speaker, and personal development leader with over 17 years of experience. As CEO of Love Book Store and InspiredFlow, she empowers individuals to embrace self-love, emotional healing, and purpose-driven living. Her latest book, The Love Habit, helps readers build healthier relationships through self-love. Featured on major networks like FOX, NBC, and ABC, Rainie is recognized for her expertise in emotional intelligence and spiritual growth. A dedicated wife, mother, and humanitarian, she continues to inspire others through her podcast, The Rainie Howard Show.
Celebrated author Renee joins us to share her transformative journey from a blogger to a renowned writer known for her insights on relationships and self-care. Renee reveals how she overcame the pitfalls of people-pleasing and the relentless chase for external validation by turning inward, embracing self-validation, and practicing self-care. She introduces her innovative LOVE technique—Listen, Optimize, Validate, and Experience—as a roadmap for nurturing oneself and fostering mental well-being. Learn how daily rituals like journaling and meditation have empowered her to clear emotional clutter and boost confidence, offering a compassionate guide for those yearning for inner peace and stronger self-love.
Ever wondered why being nice doesn't always yield the results we hope for in relationships? We tackle this misconception head-on, stressing the importance of setting firm boundaries while maintaining kindness. Through heartfelt anecdotes, we explore the dangers of ignoring red flags and the impact of energy and intention in social interactions. Discover how self-care can strengthen connections and transform your life. Plus, get a sneak peek at future collaborations and our commitment to spreading these empowering insights far and wide. Tune in for a dose of inspiration to craft happier, healthier relationships.
if you enjoyed the show be sure to check out my info:
https://app.wingcard.io/ROB3SA64
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Howdy everyone, how you doing?
So a little context to thissituation before we get into the
interview.
Me and Renee were having agreat chat and then we realized
her professional mic wasn'thooked up and it kind of became
a little debacle for about15-ish minutes and the boy
hasn't fully upgraded to premiumzoom, so he's only got 45
(00:22):
minutes.
So we got a solid like 25 30minutes in of talking, um.
So just a heads up it might bea little bumpy near the end, um,
but I plan on inviting reneeback and having her on without
limitations so we can actuallyget a better story and insights
(00:43):
on her knowledge.
So without further ado, let usbegin.
Tell me a little about yourselfand your backstory and what you
do.
Speaker 2 (00:53):
Yeah, so I am a best-selling author.
I've written nine books.
Really, what I do started withme writing, just writing a blog,
connecting with people onFacebook and just growing an
audience just from sharing amessage.
I actually started the blogback in, I want to say, like
(01:14):
2012.
And I shared, I was sharingstories and I shared
relationship advice and actuallyshared about my husband and I
and how we had been married.
I think around that time it wasabout 10 or 11 years, I can't
remember how many years, but Italked about our story and it
(01:36):
just went viral and I wasn'texpecting it.
It reached over a millionpeople and that led me to
writing relationship books andtalking about mental health and
talking about how our self-careand our lives impact our
relationships.
As a woman who actuallystruggled with people pleasing,
(02:00):
getting in differentrelationships, that wasn't
working out and and and Istarted resonating with other
people who could relate and so,yeah, so that's what led me, and
so this is my ninth book.
The Love Habit is what justdropped recently and yeah, so
(02:22):
that's what brought me to thispoint.
Speaker 1 (02:25):
That's awesome.
Can you tell me a little moreabout the love habit?
By the way, I love to cover arton that.
Speaker 2 (02:31):
Thank you, thank you, yes.
So the love habit is atechnique that I share, with the
acronym love L-O-V-E Listen,learn to listen to yourself,
listen to your body, your mind,your spirit, learn about
yourself.
And as you learn about yourselfand listen to yourself, you
want to begin to optimize, whichis the O for love optimize your
(02:57):
daily self-care routine.
That's going to help you tohave a happier life and
healthier relationships.
And then the V is all aboutvalidate.
You want to validate yourself,because a lot of times we seek
validation from other people,and we just got to learn to not
go after other people's approvalbut to know that we're enough
(03:21):
and to validate yourself.
And then, finally, the E is forexperience to experience the
love, the joy, the peace, thepositive emotions that you
desire in your life.
And so I teach techniques onhow to apply that in your life.
So, yeah, that's what led me.
I actually went through areally tough period in my life
(03:45):
years ago it was about like sixor seven years ago and it led me
to.
I ended up having depression,anxiety, panic attacks, just
going through a lot of things.
I had no idea what was going onbecause things were just
changing in my life, and Ilearned how self-care is really
(04:07):
the center of it all, and so Ibegan a practice, a daily
practice, which is what led meto write the Love Habit daily
self-care practices for ahappier life and healthier
relationship.
Speaker 1 (04:20):
That's wonderful.
One thing I want to touch onearlier that you mentioned, and
then we'll go into the dailyhabits, is the validation part,
especially.
You mentioned earlier being apeople pleaser and seeking
validation through others.
What did you do to validateyourself and get the same
satisfaction without having togo to others?
Speaker 2 (04:41):
You know, the more I began to pour into myself, the
more I began to make myself.
I noticed how my self-esteemincreased.
I gained more confidence and Ididn't need other people's
(05:15):
validation because I wasvalidating myself every day.
Actions were sending asubconscious message to my mind
that I'm enough, that I'm worthy, that I deserve to have the
things that I desire.
I deserve to put myself firstto know that I'm enough.
(05:39):
So it really started from thatprocess of learning that,
because I didn't know how to dothat at first, I will put
everybody before me as a motherand a wife and just, you know, a
career.
I was just so focused oneverything else and that led me
to feeling depleted and drainedand I didn't understand that.
(06:01):
It was a big reason why I wasstruggling so much with my
mental health.
Speaker 1 (06:08):
Now that resonates with me because that's exactly
what I'm struggling with.
That's why I asked, becauseit's like what were some of the
things you did?
So was it like meditation inthe morning, exercising and
stuff like that?
Speaker 2 (06:19):
Yeah, so with me, I learned that journaling really
helped to.
It was therapy for me, you know, just really getting out my
thoughts, writing it out andclearing it out my mind, Cause I
think a lot of times we hold onto a lot of the emotional pain
and and negative thoughts.
(06:41):
We just kind of just they justsit there and they just dwell in
our they.
They just it's like they theyset up house in our mind and
they just dwell there.
And it's like I had to learn toclear out a lot of those
thoughts and feelings andemotional baggage that was
holding me back.
And so, yeah, I I to begin to,meditation was major.
(07:10):
I'll say that Meditation was oneof the biggest things for me,
along with journaling, but justreally learning how to shut off
my thoughts, Because my thoughtswere getting in the way of what
I really desire.
You know, it was all thenegative thoughts was stopping
(07:31):
me from moving forward and thepositive things I desired, and
it's just, it's just, it's likejust being in this little doom
and gloom and I had to like pushmyself out of that.
You know, like I'm gonna justnot allow myself to dwell into
this.
Another thing that I noticedreally helped me is just to get
(07:54):
up early, earlier than I usuallydo, even though my body doesn't
want to get up.
But getting up early and movingit set something off in me,
just like whoa, we got somethings, we're doing, we're
shifting.
I don't know, it's somethingabout that getting up and that
just it puts you in a mindset oflike a fighter or somebody
(08:18):
that's boxing, getting ready fora championship, that's up early
in the morning, the crack ofdawn, and they're like going for
a run, like you're puttingyourself in this path, like I'm
worth it, I'm gonna go for itand I'm not gonna allow these
thoughts to keep me in thatplace yeah, I've noticed that
too.
Speaker 1 (08:37):
When I wake up early and then just go to the gym for
like 10 minutes at the sauna,that's like a like I'm in flow
state all day, but then yeahlike today.
I slept in and just groggy andI'm like why, why?
Speaker 2 (08:49):
do I even try, that's what happens.
I, I, I totally can relate.
Yeah, that's exactly whathappened cool, it's awesome.
Speaker 1 (08:59):
Yeah, that's one of my buddies I was talking to and
he said pretty much the samething in his own special way.
He's like meditation is corny,as everyone says it.
They don't fully explain it,but there's something about
meditation and just writing itout.
He's like it could bekindergarten level writing Just
get it out of your head, kind ofthing.
Speaker 2 (09:18):
Yes, it is, and you don't have to.
It's like they call it minddumping, like it doesn't have to
make sense and you don't haveto.
It's like they call it minddumping, like it doesn't have to
make sense If you, if you know,just getting it out, getting it
out, clearing your head is justyes, it is so freeing.
Speaker 1 (09:35):
It really is.
So tell me more about the habityou mentioned, with all that
getting in the habit and thestructure to writing your nine
books.
Could you tell me more aboutthat journey and how it got to
where it is?
Speaker 2 (09:49):
Yeah, so I first of all, I've I've been writing so
long because I've been a personthat loved to journal since I
was like in middle schoolallowed me to be transparent
(10:17):
with my writing and just torelease it and to also be open
to creativity and to listen tomy inner voice and to tap into
the wisdom that come intuitively.
So journaling was the beginningof the path and then, after I
started sharing my stories andhelping people and people were
(10:38):
reaching out for advice I wasjust inspired to write a book
and I was like I want to sharemy story.
So I started with my firstrelationship book was about my
personal life and my story onhow I end up meeting my husband.
It's called when God Sent myHusband Wisdoms for Capturing
(10:59):
and Keeping a Man's Heart, andit was just me just getting out
my story.
And then, after doing that, Ihad so many people reach out to
me because they were so inspiredby it.
But they were also strugglingwith toxic relationships, and so
that led me to doing moreresearch on why we get stuck in
(11:23):
toxic relationships, what istoxic love, addiction, which is
real, and how we can begin tofree ourselves of it.
And as I studied that more, didmore research on it.
It led me to write Addicted toPain, renew your Mind and Heal
your Spirit from a ToxicRelationship in 30 Days and I
(11:43):
can say my path to writing is.
It doesn't feel like work to mebecause it's like I have an idea
and I just start and I and Iorganize my chapters, what I
want to focus on and write about, and then what I do is I kind
of open my calendars for timefor writing, which me, my, I
(12:07):
enjoy writing early in themorning.
I feel like I'm more creative.
So when I'm on that in thatwriting season, I try to write
at least two hours a day andthen I'll just like give myself
the break on weekends andeverything.
But I spread it out and it'snot always consistent.
(12:28):
But this book was a lot becausethis was the first
traditionally published book.
All of my other books wereself-published.
So this one was me working witha publisher and I had a
deadline and I had to have atleast 40,000 words.
So it was more of a crunch time.
(12:49):
So I really had to focus in.
But I look back and say, say,how did I get it done?
Just a few days and they alladd up eventually yeah, and I
had a publisher like a it's.
Speaker 1 (13:05):
He's a new publishing company and that's where I
asked him about that and I saidhow do you, how do you get your
authors to do it?
He's like, like most creativesmiss their deadline, but we know
that kind of thing.
Yeah, but he said he's like,just show up.
He's like, even if you misslike two days, just show up at
least five days a week, like yousaid.
And he's like you will at leasthave the book decent enough and
(13:28):
we could probably fix it later,kind of thing.
Speaker 2 (13:30):
Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1 (13:38):
That's exactly exactly that's how it went.
But so what company, whatpublishing company did you go?
Speaker 2 (13:41):
with uh for the traditional route.
So I so first I had to, becauseit was just a whole different
process.
I had to, um, find an agentbecause I had, you know, I had
to first pitch myself todifferent agents that were in
the self-help category, whofocused on these type of books,
(14:04):
and so I had, I came up with alist of agents and I just
started sending out emails and Ihad this, um, it was like a
small book proposal that I wouldsend them with my bio and all
the things and the ideas aboutthe book.
So once I did, you know,interview with a few agents, I
end up picking and signing withan agent.
(14:24):
And once I signed with her, wehad to work on getting the book
proposal ready to pitch to thepublishers.
And so that was that took a fewmonths because I needed help
with that process.
I had never done a full bookproposal and I didn't really
know how it was and goingthrough that process was lengthy
(14:49):
.
And then, once the book proposalwas done, we started sending,
she started sending and pitchingthe book proposal to different
publishers, and that you knowyou get denied and you get like,
oh, and then it's people that'slike interested, and you have
interviews with them and thenthey pitch it to their team and
(15:10):
they're like, oh, we're going topass.
So you just going through thisemotional roller coaster and
you're just like, oh my God.
So finally the book sold toBroadleaf Books, which is the
publisher I'm with.
And yeah, and once the booksold, it was it was just working
(15:30):
with the editor.
So it was it was just workingwith the editor.
And so, yeah, finishing it up,and I think I had about six
months to complete everythingafter I, after I started with my
publisher and then I had tosend my draft and I think I
probably had, yeah, like five orsix months in my draft, final
(15:52):
draft, and then we went throughthe process of editing and all
of that stuff.
And yeah, and now it's here.
Speaker 1 (16:01):
Wonderful.
Speaker 2 (16:03):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (16:04):
You gave us the acronym for love.
What are some other topics thatyou delve into that really
resonate and are like touch onyour heart?
Speaker 2 (16:15):
You know, I have to say one of the things that I
talk about in the book and it'sactually in chapter two of the
book but I talk about yourpersonality and how our
personalities are defining notonly who we are, but it's
(16:37):
telling other people how totreat us, and so we don't always
know that there are certainpersonalities that can attract
toxic relationships.
Someone asks them to dosomething hey, can you babysit
for me?
And they're like, yeah, eventhough they don't want to.
(17:08):
You're basically teaching theother person that you might be a
pushover and they can get whatthey want from you because you
always say yes, you never say no, you never have boundaries, and
so these are just some of thepersonality habits that can
attract unhealthy relationships.
So I go through differentpersonality habits in the book
and just talk about how you canwork on not only being aware of
(17:32):
them, having more self-awareness, but learning how to have
better relationships throughyour personality, because we
teach people how to treat us byhow we show up and how how we
honor ourselves.
Speaker 1 (17:50):
Interesting.
So I'm just curious, as methinking, is there a section
within your personality for,like the nice guy or the nice
girl, kind of thing?
Speaker 2 (17:59):
within your personality for like the nice
guy or the nice girl kind ofthing.
I'm glad you said that becausechapter I might as well get into
it now.
Speaker 1 (18:07):
Let's do it.
Speaker 2 (18:07):
Chapter one is called Nice People Get Hurt Too.
Speaker 1 (18:13):
Okay.
Speaker 2 (18:13):
And the reason why is because people we often think,
oh, I'll have a greatrelationship.
And just this is an example forpeople dating or in romantic
relationships.
They may start off like, oh,I'm gonna have an amazing
relationship because I'm gonnatreat them so good, I'm gonna be
so nice, I'm gonna, you know,buy them this and take them here
(18:38):
and call them and share thingsand all of that stuff.
But nice people, just beingnice, doesn't mean you won't get
hurt, because a lot of timespeople think being nice is a
protection for them to havesomeone be nice back to them
when that's not.
Speaker 1 (18:57):
That's not always reality, unfortunately you're
more likely to get hurt becauseof that.
Speaker 2 (19:02):
Yeah, if it's.
I mean, if it's not, you know,it's not always going to happen.
So what I talk about is it'sbetter to be kind, but you also
want to be upfront and you wantto have some balance between um.
At times where you need to bedirect, you need to have the
hard conversations.
(19:23):
You may need to say no, I'm notavailable, but that doesn't
mean you're not interested inthat person.
You just have boundaries, and Ithink people are afraid of
boundaries because they don'twant other people to think that
you know kind of thing right,right, right.
(19:45):
I don't.
I don't want them to not likeme.
We want to be liked, and so Idon't want to hurt their
feelings, I don't want them tobe mad at me, but let me go
ahead and, you know, say yes andnot have any boundaries.
Speaker 1 (20:01):
Yeah, well, that was my last relationship.
I like I miss so many red flags.
Now, like with hindsightlooking at it, I'm like, dude,
there were so many in front ofyou, like, for example, when we
were first talking, I mean, likethe first two weeks I was just
nonstop texting back and forthand I was like, oh OK, this is
really, is really cool.
I was lonely.
(20:22):
I was working night shifts atthe time.
She didn't really have anyfriends, so I'm like all right,
so I'm like her weird friend.
But after like the two weekpoint I realized she
intentionally kept holding me up, like because I had to go to
sleep by one o'clock 1 pm andI'm like she knows I'm supposed
to go to sleep and she stillkeeps talking to me.
Okay, whatever kind of thing.
(20:43):
And then that was the biggestone I realized when I actually
set boundaries, she just freakedout.
Speaker 2 (20:50):
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1 (20:54):
Sorry, you go.
Speaker 2 (20:55):
No, yeah, that's so good.
I'm glad Thanks for sharingthat, because that's a great
example of what I talk about andI share with my clients,
because sometimes in thebeginning of the relationship
it's like you really want to,it's like you're excited because
it's a new person, but at thesame time you have your
(21:16):
boundaries and you can't youcater to all of their needs
right and so yeah, and so Ithink at the beginning is where
you really can like throw thoseboundaries out there just to
kind of see how far they'rewilling, like how much they like
you and are willing to invest,and say you know what, I'm gonna
(21:40):
honor your boundary so that youget your rest.
That's important to you.
I'm going to call you back, butsome people can be very clingy
and you know that could be a bigred flag, you know.
But I love that Just knowinghow to put those boundaries out
there and let them know I haveyou know.
(22:00):
I think it's good to say upfront hey, just a heads up,
these are the best times for usto talk because I'm doing this.
And then, once you test it andthey start, you know, you know,
like you said, she just wentoverboard once you start
implementing it, because she wasso used to being able to get
(22:21):
what she want.
Speaker 1 (22:24):
So yeah, Now that was the biggest one.
With like hindsight, my dude,you were lonely and, frankly, a
little horny.
You should not have justtolerated that kind of thing.
Speaker 2 (22:34):
That is the because, listen, when you're in a place
where you're kind of, whereyou're desperate, where you're
just like I'm, I really need arelationship.
Other people can sense that andthey can.
They can pick up on that energy, and so that that's another
thing I talk about in the bookis that you know you may not be
(22:57):
aware of this, but people canread your vibes and your energy
without you even saying thewords.
So just knowing that, knowingthat you in a place and where
you are right now emotionally,energetically, physically that's
going to influence therelationship.
Speaker 1 (23:16):
Yeah, I learned.
I actually learned that byaccident after I broke it off
from my ex and I was this verynice lady at one of the sites I
work at and I noticed she worked, put a lot of effort, with like
a hot pink sweater with thismatching hot pink shoe.
So I was like I remember frommy ex, I'm like okay, if they're
matching like that, they reallyput a lot of thought into their
(23:37):
outfit.
But they're going to say'regonna say no, no, no, this
little thing, I just slapped ittogether, kind of thing.
So I said, hey, that's a reallynice outfit.
And she's like oh, thank you,this little thing I just slapped
together and like so she wouldput a lot of thought into it.
When it's like, all right,we'll have a good one, went
about my day and it was just oneof those, literally, because I
just cut it off quickly.
She actually came back and waslike so started talking to me
(23:57):
and it's like hey, you.
So I was only like guysapproach girls, how does this
work?
Speaker 2 (24:08):
is it because I left her so quickly?
Speaker 1 (24:12):
it was just one of those yeah yeah, that, that.
Speaker 2 (24:16):
That is.
That is something, because it'slike you gave her a compliment
and that probably made her dayyou know you don't, you don't
even realize some people thatcould be all they need to hear
and and that probably opened herup to say, hey, I'm kind of
interested, you know?
(24:37):
So, yeah, I can see that, yeahwell, it was just.
Speaker 1 (24:41):
It was interesting.
I mean it was a hot mess, itcould be a whole freaking
podcast for that one, butessentially a lot of things
unraveled.
But I was.
I always remembered.
I'm like, wow, I just gave acompliment, a simple compliment,
and this beautiful womanactually asked me for my number
and I think Wow, yeah, that'sall it takes.
(25:06):
One.
Yeah, it was someone else toldme like apparently, apparently I
don't know if this is true ornot, uh, but a lot of women are
not getting the same amount ofcompliments as they used to, I
think yeah, you know, I think Ithink a lot of men, um,
especially now in society,because with with social media,
(25:26):
with all of the virtualdistractions, aren't as they're
not approaching women as much asyou know.
Speaker 2 (25:37):
I think it should be, it should be more of that, it
should be more in person.
I think a lot of people arecomfortable hiding behind the
dating app and doing, you know,long distance there's more long
distance relationships andthings like that, but I do think
the in-person complimentsmatter, you know, and it could
(25:58):
be that simple, you know, yeah.
Yeah, I think, and especiallywhen you're polite, you're not
just.
You know, hey how do you?
Know you're being polite aboutit, then it makes.
It makes a difference right,yeah, I agree.
Speaker 1 (26:17):
Um, just a heads up, though, with the debacle in the
beginning.
Uh, we only got like fiveminutes left, do you?
Speaker 2 (26:22):
want.
Okay, no problem, do you?
Want to do like a reschedule tocontinue this oh, um, we're
good, we can what go with theflow.
Speaker 1 (26:31):
We can wrap it up if you want or however you want to
do it I just don't want to beawkward halfway through a
conversation no, that's okay,I'm I'm all.
Speaker 2 (26:40):
I'm all for it.
I understand, I think we did.
I lost track of time.
I think it did say 45 minutesor something like that.
Speaker 1 (26:46):
Yeah it's, it's all good.
Yeah, I agree with thecompliment part.
We're wrapping it up real quick.
Tell us more about what you'redoing, current campaigns where
they can reach out to you.
They want to stuff like that.
Speaker 2 (27:00):
Yeah, yeah, so I'm available on social media under
Rainy Howard.
You can also go to my websiteat rainyhowardcom.
The book, the Love Habit, isavailable.
You can look up any of my books.
They're available anywherebooks are sold.
You can get it on Amazon.
They're shipping out prettyfast, so just search the Love
(27:22):
Habit by Rainy Howard on Amazon.
But also I have a podcast, theRainy Howard Show, which is
available as well on YouTube andother podcast platforms.
But this conversation I thinkit's really good to know that
you know, when it comes to ourdaily self-care practices, it
(27:48):
can impact not only our livesand bring more happiness, but
also our relationships.
So I just want to encourageeveryone who's tuning in to
apply the daily techniques inyour life and you'll see
transformation.
Speaker 1 (28:04):
Perfect.
Well, I just bought the audibleversion of it, so I'm looking
forward to hearing you talkabout it.
Speaker 2 (28:08):
I see that you read it, oh, thank you Awesome.
Speaker 1 (28:12):
Thank you.
Now, this has been really good.
I probably will reach out toyou again to get an air calling,
because you definitely have alot of knowledge and it would be
very valuable to me, but alsoto everyone else listening too.
Speaker 2 (28:25):
Yeah, let me know.
Let me know, I'll try to put iton the schedule, definitely.
So where can I hear the podcast?
When it's available, you'llsend it to me, or?
Speaker 1 (28:36):
Yeah, I have your email and stuff like that.
I'll send you the link and allthat information.
Speaker 2 (28:41):
Okay, perfect, and I'll share it with on my
platform too.
Speaker 1 (28:45):
Wonderful.
Thank you, it's been anabsolute honor and a pleasure.
Speaker 2 (28:48):
Well, thank you so much.
Howdy everyone, how you doing?
So a little context to thissituation before we get into the
interview.
Me and Renee were having agreat chat and then we realized
her professional mic wasn'thooked up and it kind of became
a little debacle for about15-ish minutes and the boy
hasn't fully upgraded to premiumzoom, so he's only got 45
(00:22):
minutes.
So we got a solid like 25 30minutes in of talking, um.
So just a heads up it might bea little bumpy near the end, um,
but I plan on inviting reneeback and having her on without
limitations so we can actuallyget a better story and insights
(00:43):
on her knowledge.
So without further ado, let usbegin.
Tell me a little about yourselfand your backstory and what you
do.
Speaker 2 (00:53):
Yeah, so I am a best-selling author.
I've written nine books.
Really, what I do started withme writing, just writing a blog,
connecting with people onFacebook and just growing an
audience just from sharing amessage.
I actually started the blogback in, I want to say, like
(01:14):
2012.
And I shared, I was sharingstories and I shared
relationship advice and actuallyshared about my husband and I
and how we had been married.
I think around that time it wasabout 10 or 11 years, I can't
remember how many years, but Italked about our story and it
(01:36):
just went viral and I wasn'texpecting it.
It reached over a millionpeople and that led me to
writing relationship books andtalking about mental health and
talking about how our self-careand our lives impact our
relationships.
As a woman who actuallystruggled with people pleasing,
(02:00):
getting in differentrelationships, that wasn't
working out and and and Istarted resonating with other
people who could relate and so,yeah, so that's what led me, and
so this is my ninth book.
The Love Habit is what justdropped recently and yeah, so
(02:22):
that's what brought me to thispoint.
Speaker 1 (02:25):
That's awesome.
Can you tell me a little moreabout the love habit?
By the way, I love to cover arton that.
Speaker 2 (02:31):
Thank you, thank you, yes.
So the love habit is atechnique that I share, with the
acronym love L-O-V-E Listen,learn to listen to yourself,
listen to your body, your mind,your spirit, learn about
yourself.
And as you learn about yourselfand listen to yourself, you
want to begin to optimize, whichis the O for love optimize your
(02:57):
daily self-care routine.
That's going to help you tohave a happier life and
healthier relationships.
And then the V is all aboutvalidate.
You want to validate yourself,because a lot of times we seek
validation from other people,and we just got to learn to not
go after other people's approvalbut to know that we're enough
(03:21):
and to validate yourself.
And then, finally, the E is forexperience to experience the
love, the joy, the peace, thepositive emotions that you
desire in your life.
And so I teach techniques onhow to apply that in your life.
So, yeah, that's what led me.
I actually went through areally tough period in my life
(03:45):
years ago it was about like sixor seven years ago and it led me
to.
I ended up having depression,anxiety, panic attacks, just
going through a lot of things.
I had no idea what was going onbecause things were just
changing in my life, and Ilearned how self-care is really
(04:07):
the center of it all, and so Ibegan a practice, a daily
practice, which is what led meto write the Love Habit daily
self-care practices for ahappier life and healthier
relationship.
Speaker 1 (04:20):
That's wonderful.
One thing I want to touch onearlier that you mentioned, and
then we'll go into the dailyhabits, is the validation part,
especially.
You mentioned earlier being apeople pleaser and seeking
validation through others.
What did you do to validateyourself and get the same
satisfaction without having togo to others?
Speaker 2 (04:41):
You know, the more I began to pour into myself, the
more I began to make myself.
I noticed how my self-esteemincreased.
I gained more confidence and Ididn't need other people's
(05:15):
validation because I wasvalidating myself every day.
Actions were sending asubconscious message to my mind
that I'm enough, that I'm worthy, that I deserve to have the
things that I desire.
I deserve to put myself firstto know that I'm enough.
(05:39):
So it really started from thatprocess of learning that,
because I didn't know how to dothat at first, I will put
everybody before me as a motherand a wife and just, you know, a
career.
I was just so focused oneverything else and that led me
to feeling depleted and drainedand I didn't understand that.
(06:01):
It was a big reason why I wasstruggling so much with my
mental health.
Speaker 1 (06:08):
Now that resonates with me because that's exactly
what I'm struggling with.
That's why I asked, becauseit's like what were some of the
things you did?
So was it like meditation inthe morning, exercising and
stuff like that?
Speaker 2 (06:19):
Yeah, so with me, I learned that journaling really
helped to.
It was therapy for me, you know, just really getting out my
thoughts, writing it out andclearing it out my mind, Cause I
think a lot of times we hold onto a lot of the emotional pain
and and negative thoughts.
(06:41):
We just kind of just they justsit there and they just dwell in
our they.
They just it's like they theyset up house in our mind and
they just dwell there.
And it's like I had to learn toclear out a lot of those
thoughts and feelings andemotional baggage that was
holding me back.
And so, yeah, I I to begin to,meditation was major.
(07:10):
I'll say that Meditation was oneof the biggest things for me,
along with journaling, but justreally learning how to shut off
my thoughts, Because my thoughtswere getting in the way of what
I really desire.
You know, it was all thenegative thoughts was stopping
(07:31):
me from moving forward and thepositive things I desired, and
it's just, it's just, it's likejust being in this little doom
and gloom and I had to like pushmyself out of that.
You know, like I'm gonna justnot allow myself to dwell into
this.
Another thing that I noticedreally helped me is just to get
(07:54):
up early, earlier than I usuallydo, even though my body doesn't
want to get up.
But getting up early and movingit set something off in me,
just like whoa, we got somethings, we're doing, we're
shifting.
I don't know, it's somethingabout that getting up and that
just it puts you in a mindset oflike a fighter or somebody
(08:18):
that's boxing, getting ready fora championship, that's up early
in the morning, the crack ofdawn, and they're like going for
a run, like you're puttingyourself in this path, like I'm
worth it, I'm gonna go for itand I'm not gonna allow these
thoughts to keep me in thatplace yeah, I've noticed that
too.
Speaker 1 (08:37):
When I wake up early and then just go to the gym for
like 10 minutes at the sauna,that's like a like I'm in flow
state all day, but then yeahlike today.
I slept in and just groggy andI'm like why, why?
Speaker 2 (08:49):
do I even try, that's what happens.
I, I, I totally can relate.
Yeah, that's exactly whathappened cool, it's awesome.
Speaker 1 (08:59):
Yeah, that's one of my buddies I was talking to and
he said pretty much the samething in his own special way.
He's like meditation is corny,as everyone says it.
They don't fully explain it,but there's something about
meditation and just writing itout.
He's like it could bekindergarten level writing Just
get it out of your head, kind ofthing.
Speaker 2 (09:18):
Yes, it is, and you don't have to.
It's like they call it minddumping, like it doesn't have to
make sense and you don't haveto.
It's like they call it minddumping, like it doesn't have to
make sense If you, if you know,just getting it out, getting it
out, clearing your head is justyes, it is so freeing.
Speaker 1 (09:35):
It really is.
So tell me more about the habityou mentioned, with all that
getting in the habit and thestructure to writing your nine
books.
Could you tell me more aboutthat journey and how it got to
where it is?
Speaker 2 (09:49):
Yeah, so I first of all, I've I've been writing so
long because I've been a personthat loved to journal since I
was like in middle schoolallowed me to be transparent
(10:17):
with my writing and just torelease it and to also be open
to creativity and to listen tomy inner voice and to tap into
the wisdom that come intuitively.
So journaling was the beginningof the path and then, after I
started sharing my stories andhelping people and people were
(10:38):
reaching out for advice I wasjust inspired to write a book
and I was like I want to sharemy story.
So I started with my firstrelationship book was about my
personal life and my story onhow I end up meeting my husband.
It's called when God Sent myHusband Wisdoms for Capturing
(10:59):
and Keeping a Man's Heart, andit was just me just getting out
my story.
And then, after doing that, Ihad so many people reach out to
me because they were so inspiredby it.
But they were also strugglingwith toxic relationships, and so
that led me to doing moreresearch on why we get stuck in
(11:23):
toxic relationships, what istoxic love, addiction, which is
real, and how we can begin tofree ourselves of it.
And as I studied that more, didmore research on it.
It led me to write Addicted toPain, renew your Mind and Heal
your Spirit from a ToxicRelationship in 30 Days and I
(11:43):
can say my path to writing is.
It doesn't feel like work to mebecause it's like I have an idea
and I just start and I and Iorganize my chapters, what I
want to focus on and write about, and then what I do is I kind
of open my calendars for timefor writing, which me, my, I
(12:07):
enjoy writing early in themorning.
I feel like I'm more creative.
So when I'm on that in thatwriting season, I try to write
at least two hours a day andthen I'll just like give myself
the break on weekends andeverything.
But I spread it out and it'snot always consistent.
(12:28):
But this book was a lot becausethis was the first
traditionally published book.
All of my other books wereself-published.
So this one was me working witha publisher and I had a
deadline and I had to have atleast 40,000 words.
So it was more of a crunch time.
(12:49):
So I really had to focus in.
But I look back and say, say,how did I get it done?
Just a few days and they alladd up eventually yeah, and I
had a publisher like a it's.
Speaker 1 (13:05):
He's a new publishing company and that's where I
asked him about that and I saidhow do you, how do you get your
authors to do it?
He's like, like most creativesmiss their deadline, but we know
that kind of thing.
Yeah, but he said he's like,just show up.
He's like, even if you misslike two days, just show up at
least five days a week, like yousaid.
And he's like you will at leasthave the book decent enough and
(13:28):
we could probably fix it later,kind of thing.
Speaker 2 (13:30):
Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1 (13:38):
That's exactly exactly that's how it went.
But so what company, whatpublishing company did you go?
Speaker 2 (13:41):
with uh for the traditional route.
So I so first I had to, becauseit was just a whole different
process.
I had to, um, find an agentbecause I had, you know, I had
to first pitch myself todifferent agents that were in
the self-help category, whofocused on these type of books,
(14:04):
and so I had, I came up with alist of agents and I just
started sending out emails and Ihad this, um, it was like a
small book proposal that I wouldsend them with my bio and all
the things and the ideas aboutthe book.
So once I did, you know,interview with a few agents, I
end up picking and signing withan agent.
(14:24):
And once I signed with her, wehad to work on getting the book
proposal ready to pitch to thepublishers.
And so that was that took a fewmonths because I needed help
with that process.
I had never done a full bookproposal and I didn't really
know how it was and goingthrough that process was lengthy
(14:49):
.
And then, once the book proposalwas done, we started sending,
she started sending and pitchingthe book proposal to different
publishers, and that you knowyou get denied and you get like,
oh, and then it's people that'slike interested, and you have
interviews with them and thenthey pitch it to their team and
(15:10):
they're like, oh, we're going topass.
So you just going through thisemotional roller coaster and
you're just like, oh my God.
So finally the book sold toBroadleaf Books, which is the
publisher I'm with.
And yeah, and once the booksold, it was it was just working
(15:30):
with the editor.
So it was it was just workingwith the editor.
And so, yeah, finishing it up,and I think I had about six
months to complete everythingafter I, after I started with my
publisher and then I had tosend my draft and I think I
probably had, yeah, like five orsix months in my draft, final
(15:52):
draft, and then we went throughthe process of editing and all
of that stuff.
And yeah, and now it's here.
Speaker 1 (16:01):
Wonderful.
Speaker 2 (16:03):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (16:04):
You gave us the acronym for love.
What are some other topics thatyou delve into that really
resonate and are like touch onyour heart?
Speaker 2 (16:15):
You know, I have to say one of the things that I
talk about in the book and it'sactually in chapter two of the
book but I talk about yourpersonality and how our
personalities are defining notonly who we are, but it's
(16:37):
telling other people how totreat us, and so we don't always
know that there are certainpersonalities that can attract
toxic relationships.
Someone asks them to dosomething hey, can you babysit
for me?
And they're like, yeah, eventhough they don't want to.
(17:08):
You're basically teaching theother person that you might be a
pushover and they can get whatthey want from you because you
always say yes, you never say no, you never have boundaries, and
so these are just some of thepersonality habits that can
attract unhealthy relationships.
So I go through differentpersonality habits in the book
and just talk about how you canwork on not only being aware of
(17:32):
them, having more self-awareness, but learning how to have
better relationships throughyour personality, because we
teach people how to treat us byhow we show up and how how we
honor ourselves.
Speaker 1 (17:50):
Interesting.
So I'm just curious, as methinking, is there a section
within your personality for,like the nice guy or the nice
girl, kind of thing?
Speaker 2 (17:59):
within your personality for like the nice
guy or the nice girl kind ofthing.
I'm glad you said that becausechapter I might as well get into
it now.
Speaker 1 (18:07):
Let's do it.
Speaker 2 (18:07):
Chapter one is called Nice People Get Hurt Too.
Speaker 1 (18:13):
Okay.
Speaker 2 (18:13):
And the reason why is because people we often think,
oh, I'll have a greatrelationship.
And just this is an example forpeople dating or in romantic
relationships.
They may start off like, oh,I'm gonna have an amazing
relationship because I'm gonnatreat them so good, I'm gonna be
so nice, I'm gonna, you know,buy them this and take them here
(18:38):
and call them and share thingsand all of that stuff.
But nice people, just beingnice, doesn't mean you won't get
hurt, because a lot of timespeople think being nice is a
protection for them to havesomeone be nice back to them
when that's not.
Speaker 1 (18:57):
That's not always reality, unfortunately you're
more likely to get hurt becauseof that.
Speaker 2 (19:02):
Yeah, if it's.
I mean, if it's not, you know,it's not always going to happen.
So what I talk about is it'sbetter to be kind, but you also
want to be upfront and you wantto have some balance between um.
At times where you need to bedirect, you need to have the
hard conversations.
(19:23):
You may need to say no, I'm notavailable, but that doesn't
mean you're not interested inthat person.
You just have boundaries, and Ithink people are afraid of
boundaries because they don'twant other people to think that
you know kind of thing right,right, right.
(19:45):
I don't.
I don't want them to not likeme.
We want to be liked, and so Idon't want to hurt their
feelings, I don't want them tobe mad at me, but let me go
ahead and, you know, say yes andnot have any boundaries.
Speaker 1 (20:01):
Yeah, well, that was my last relationship.
I like I miss so many red flags.
Now, like with hindsightlooking at it, I'm like, dude,
there were so many in front ofyou, like, for example, when we
were first talking, I mean, likethe first two weeks I was just
nonstop texting back and forthand I was like, oh OK, this is
really, is really cool.
I was lonely.
(20:22):
I was working night shifts atthe time.
She didn't really have anyfriends, so I'm like all right,
so I'm like her weird friend.
But after like the two weekpoint I realized she
intentionally kept holding me up, like because I had to go to
sleep by one o'clock 1 pm andI'm like she knows I'm supposed
to go to sleep and she stillkeeps talking to me.
Okay, whatever kind of thing.
(20:43):
And then that was the biggestone I realized when I actually
set boundaries, she just freakedout.
Speaker 2 (20:50):
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1 (20:54):
Sorry, you go.
Speaker 2 (20:55):
No, yeah, that's so good.
I'm glad Thanks for sharingthat, because that's a great
example of what I talk about andI share with my clients,
because sometimes in thebeginning of the relationship
it's like you really want to,it's like you're excited because
it's a new person, but at thesame time you have your
(21:16):
boundaries and you can't youcater to all of their needs
right and so yeah, and so Ithink at the beginning is where
you really can like throw thoseboundaries out there just to
kind of see how far they'rewilling, like how much they like
you and are willing to invest,and say you know what, I'm gonna
(21:40):
honor your boundary so that youget your rest.
That's important to you.
I'm going to call you back, butsome people can be very clingy
and you know that could be a bigred flag, you know.
But I love that Just knowinghow to put those boundaries out
there and let them know I haveyou know.
(22:00):
I think it's good to say upfront hey, just a heads up,
these are the best times for usto talk because I'm doing this.
And then, once you test it andthey start, you know, you know,
like you said, she just wentoverboard once you start
implementing it, because she wasso used to being able to get
(22:21):
what she want.
Speaker 1 (22:24):
So yeah, Now that was the biggest one.
With like hindsight, my dude,you were lonely and, frankly, a
little horny.
You should not have justtolerated that kind of thing.
Speaker 2 (22:34):
That is the because, listen, when you're in a place
where you're kind of, whereyou're desperate, where you're
just like I'm, I really need arelationship.
Other people can sense that andthey can.
They can pick up on that energy, and so that that's another
thing I talk about in the bookis that you know you may not be
(22:57):
aware of this, but people canread your vibes and your energy
without you even saying thewords.
So just knowing that, knowingthat you in a place and where
you are right now emotionally,energetically, physically that's
going to influence therelationship.
Speaker 1 (23:16):
Yeah, I learned.
I actually learned that byaccident after I broke it off
from my ex and I was this verynice lady at one of the sites I
work at and I noticed she worked, put a lot of effort, with like
a hot pink sweater with thismatching hot pink shoe.
So I was like I remember frommy ex, I'm like okay, if they're
matching like that, they reallyput a lot of thought into their
(23:37):
outfit.
But they're going to say'regonna say no, no, no, this
little thing, I just slapped ittogether, kind of thing.
So I said, hey, that's a reallynice outfit.
And she's like oh, thank you,this little thing I just slapped
together and like so she wouldput a lot of thought into it.
When it's like, all right,we'll have a good one, went
about my day and it was just oneof those, literally, because I
just cut it off quickly.
She actually came back and waslike so started talking to me
(23:57):
and it's like hey, you.
So I was only like guysapproach girls, how does this
work?
Speaker 2 (24:08):
is it because I left her so quickly?
Speaker 1 (24:12):
it was just one of those yeah yeah, that, that.
Speaker 2 (24:16):
That is.
That is something, because it'slike you gave her a compliment
and that probably made her dayyou know you don't, you don't
even realize some people thatcould be all they need to hear
and and that probably opened herup to say, hey, I'm kind of
interested, you know?
(24:37):
So, yeah, I can see that, yeahwell, it was just.
Speaker 1 (24:41):
It was interesting.
I mean it was a hot mess, itcould be a whole freaking
podcast for that one, butessentially a lot of things
unraveled.
But I was.
I always remembered.
I'm like, wow, I just gave acompliment, a simple compliment,
and this beautiful womanactually asked me for my number
and I think Wow, yeah, that'sall it takes.
(25:06):
One.
Yeah, it was someone else toldme like apparently, apparently I
don't know if this is true ornot, uh, but a lot of women are
not getting the same amount ofcompliments as they used to, I
think yeah, you know, I think Ithink a lot of men, um,
especially now in society,because with with social media,
(25:26):
with all of the virtualdistractions, aren't as they're
not approaching women as much asyou know.
Speaker 2 (25:37):
I think it should be, it should be more of that, it
should be more in person.
I think a lot of people arecomfortable hiding behind the
dating app and doing, you know,long distance there's more long
distance relationships andthings like that, but I do think
the in-person complimentsmatter, you know, and it could
(25:58):
be that simple, you know, yeah.
Yeah, I think, and especiallywhen you're polite, you're not
just.
You know, hey how do you?
Know you're being polite aboutit, then it makes.
It makes a difference right,yeah, I agree.
Speaker 1 (26:17):
Um, just a heads up, though, with the debacle in the
beginning.
Uh, we only got like fiveminutes left, do you?
Speaker 2 (26:22):
want.
Okay, no problem, do you?
Want to do like a reschedule tocontinue this oh, um, we're
good, we can what go with theflow.
Speaker 1 (26:31):
We can wrap it up if you want or however you want to
do it I just don't want to beawkward halfway through a
conversation no, that's okay,I'm I'm all.
Speaker 2 (26:40):
I'm all for it.
I understand, I think we did.
I lost track of time.
I think it did say 45 minutesor something like that.
Speaker 1 (26:46):
Yeah it's, it's all good.
Yeah, I agree with thecompliment part.
We're wrapping it up real quick.
Tell us more about what you'redoing, current campaigns where
they can reach out to you.
They want to stuff like that.
Speaker 2 (27:00):
Yeah, yeah, so I'm available on social media under
Rainy Howard.
You can also go to my websiteat rainyhowardcom.
The book, the Love Habit, isavailable.
You can look up any of my books.
They're available anywherebooks are sold.
You can get it on Amazon.
They're shipping out prettyfast, so just search the Love
(27:22):
Habit by Rainy Howard on Amazon.
But also I have a podcast, theRainy Howard Show, which is
available as well on YouTube andother podcast platforms.
But this conversation I thinkit's really good to know that
you know, when it comes to ourdaily self-care practices, it
(27:48):
can impact not only our livesand bring more happiness, but
also our relationships.
So I just want to encourageeveryone who's tuning in to
apply the daily techniques inyour life and you'll see
transformation.
Speaker 1 (28:04):
Perfect.
Well, I just bought the audibleversion of it, so I'm looking
forward to hearing you talkabout it.
Speaker 2 (28:08):
I see that you read it, oh, thank you Awesome.
Speaker 1 (28:12):
Thank you.
Now, this has been really good.
I probably will reach out toyou again to get an air calling,
because you definitely have alot of knowledge and it would be
very valuable to me, but alsoto everyone else listening too.
Speaker 2 (28:25):
Yeah, let me know.
Let me know, I'll try to put iton the schedule, definitely.
So where can I hear the podcast?
When it's available, you'llsend it to me, or?
Speaker 1 (28:36):
Yeah, I have your email and stuff like that.
I'll send you the link and allthat information.
Speaker 2 (28:41):
Okay, perfect, and I'll share it with on my
platform too.
Speaker 1 (28:45):
Wonderful.
Thank you, it's been anabsolute honor and a pleasure.
Speaker 2 (28:48):
Well, thank you so much.
Popular Podcasts
Dateline NBC
Current and classic episodes, featuring compelling true-crime mysteries, powerful documentaries and in-depth investigations. Follow now to get the latest episodes of Dateline NBC completely free, or subscribe to Dateline Premium for ad-free listening and exclusive bonus content: DatelinePremium.com
24/7 News: The Latest
The latest news in 4 minutes updated every hour, every day.
Therapy Gecko
An unlicensed lizard psychologist travels the universe talking to strangers about absolutely nothing. TO CALL THE GECKO: follow me on https://www.twitch.tv/lyleforever to get a notification for when I am taking calls. I am usually live Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays but lately a lot of other times too. I am a gecko.