December 22, 2024 • 30 mins
Have you ever felt like you're on a never-ending rollercoaster, oscillating between moments of profound peace and chaotic reality? Join me, Naomi, as I share my recent journey to Santa Fe, New Mexico, where a transformative retreat with my business partner, Cassie, not only rekindled my passion for self-care but also brought clarity to my future aspirations. Surrounded by the enchanting Tusuke Pueblo Village, I reconnected with my shamanic roots and embraced the inclusive atmosphere of Santa Fe, which resonated deeply with my indigenous heritage. This experience reaffirmed my purpose as a healer and set the stage for a journey of personal and professional growth.
However, the serene tranquility of the retreat quickly faded upon returning home, revealing the stark contrast between the peaceful retreat and the chaotic energy of everyday life. From a sudden flare-up of knee pain symbolizing deeper emotional wounds, to a tense encounter on a flight back to Florida, these challenges tested my emotional resilience. Navigating this whirlwind of emotions amidst the political tensions and stressors of daily life was no small feat, but it highlighted the importance of maintaining personal growth and positivity in the face of adversity.
Back home, the complexities of family dynamics and financial struggles added layers of stress and introspection to my life. With my father's early onset dementia and a strained relationship with my sister, the holiday season became a time of reflection and transformation. Through bioidentical hormone replacement therapy and a healthier lifestyle, I sought to navigate these challenges while grappling with anxiety, sleep issues, and the financial burdens of supporting my family. Despite these hardships, I am committed to sharing words of encouragement, reminding you of your worth and potential, and emphasizing the temporary nature of tough times. Trust, surrender, and an open heart remain my guiding principles, and I am here to reassure you that you are not alone on this journey.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Welcome back to another episode of the Joyful
Shaman.
I am Naomi, your host with themost, and I am so glad to be
back after taking a little bitof a break to do some self-care
and rest.
This is gonna be a two-partepisode because I wanna give you
an update as to what's beengoing on in my life, why I
(00:22):
needed the res, all thesechanges and upheavals, and then
what's coming up for me in 2025.
So part one, the last episodethat I had uploaded, and I
uploaded all of my episodesright before I went on to this
retreat in Santa Fe, new Mexico,at the end of October with my
(00:43):
business partner, cassie.
So I did do a lot of work in ashort amount of time so that I
wouldn't have to worry about nothaving an episode on a weekly
basis, even though I said I wasgoing to try to do that.
That didn't quite pan out, andso I went on this amazing,
(01:04):
amazing retreat in Santa Fe, newMexico, and I learned from my
first time experience being outthere that I motherfucking love
Santa Fe like fucking love it somuch I could totally see myself
moving out there.
I hope to move out there in theSouthwest within the next year
or so, but I love this fuckingcity.
(01:25):
I get there.
It's small, it's such aculturally diverse place.
Inclusivity as being a personof indigenous origin and a
minority being welcome andwanted in a community where it
is part of the active culturewas really, really healing for
(01:46):
me.
And the reason I went on thisretreat with Cassie was number
one to work through some mentalblocks that I've been having
about my business, my path as ashamanic healer and really like
what do I want?
What do I want for 2025?
How can I create more structurein my life to get to the places
(02:08):
that I want to be in, to createthe life that I desire?
Now don't get me wrong, I'm notquestioning myself as a shaman
or my spiritual path or anythinglike that, but I've just been
having this mental block andemotional block of what's next
for me and how do I create thatpath.
And with my Capricorn moon, Iam a logistical person.
(02:32):
I have to put things togetherto make it make sense for me.
And Cassie, you know I love herso much but she is a mother of
three children and has not had avacation or time away from her
kids in nine years since she hadthem and I felt that this would
be a good getaway to gotogether and enjoy something
(02:56):
together and be closer asbusiness partners and as
longtime friends.
And so when she said yes earlyon in the summer to go, I was so
excited.
So it had been like a countdownfor us to attend this retreat,
so I was really excited when Igot there.
We both are very much bohemianwild spirit souls and we are,
(03:23):
and we wanted to just simply bepresent, be present in sacred
land, be present with the smallgroup of women it was eight of
us that were going to this housein Tusuke Pueblo Village, so up
on the mountains, and you knowwe were.
I had no expectations, honestly.
(03:43):
I just really wanted amotherfucking vacation.
I invented two other retreats.
One was an experience that Ihad and I'm just going to leave
it at that.
The other one was supertransformative, powerful.
I did a lot of healing work inthe summer in Tulum and then New
Mexico.
I just needed a fucking break.
I have not had like a truevacation in probably seven years
(04:06):
and I it's been well overdueand I just wasn't in the
financial position to do that.
I really wasn't in thefinancial position to do that
this year.
But you know, I just I justtook a chance and I said you
know, if I'm going to gosomewhere and enjoy myself, I
want to do some healing work too.
So we get to New Mexico.
It's a five day, four nighttrip and Cassie and I are loving
(04:28):
it.
Coming from fucking Floridawhere it is so damn hot to a
place where it is fifties andsixties, I am thriving.
I am thriving.
I love cold weather very muchand she was just over the moon,
just being with the mountains,seeing that desert landscape.
There was just somethingmagical about being there as
(04:50):
soon as we walked out of thatlittle regional airport, just
seeing the Adobe style buildings.
Everything's so historicalthere, it's like the wild west
and I don't know.
It just brought back thisfeeling of nostalgia and comfort
for me and I was like I am homevery much and we wait for our
ride.
(05:11):
And it's actually the retreathost who come and picks us up
from the airport and anotherwoman that was attending and we
go immediately into the downtownarea into one of the best
Mexican restaurants that I'vebeen in in a long time.
It's called Pascual's.
If you have been to Santa Fe orare going, I highly, highly
(05:33):
recommend.
And we had a late brunch and itwas delicious, and we were just
walking around a little bit.
We went to our Airbnb, whichwas this beautiful, beautiful,
spiritual, shamanic house.
As soon as you walked in, allof the artwork, all of the
pottery, the jewelry thatrepresented so many indigenous
tribes all over the world andthe careful selection of
(05:56):
shamanic and spiritual itemseverywhere, I knew this house
was a fucking magical house andI was so grateful to be there up
on this mountain, staringacross the ridge, staring at the
desert landscape, and I justwas so grateful.
So we had a magical time.
You know, there was some work.
We did a lot of meditation, alot of journeying, and for me, I
(06:20):
was just in this stillness.
I was just in this stillness.
I had not felt stillness, thefeeling of happiness, the
feeling of home, the feeling ofconnection to the universe and
to the land, ever in my life,not until I was in that house,
sitting up on that mountain,staring out of these huge open
(06:40):
windows, with these beautifulpanoramic views, that in my
heart, I was like this is mywork, this is where I should be,
this is what I need, this is mymedicine, and so I was just
completely present in New Mexico.
Cassie did a lot of profoundwork for herself and I was so
(07:01):
honored and privileged to beable to be a witness to her
journey and for her to do thework that she needed to do.
And you know, we did someshopping.
We ate amazing food.
The people there are soincredibly nice.
We bought a shit ton of jewelry.
Cassie and I are enablers ofeach other when it comes to
(07:21):
jewelry, art, food and memorableexperiences.
We will never say like, are yousure?
Maybe you should think aboutthat before you do it.
Like we see it.
I'm like do it, do it,screaming across like the
parking lot, do it.
You know, if we're holding upsomething, I'm like, oh, this
piece of jewelry is $500.
And I'm like buy it.
(07:42):
And we did, we bought thejewelry.
Jewelry is $500.
And I'm like buy it.
And we did, we bought thejewelry.
I had a backpack that I carry toall my retreats with all my
ceremonial things, because Ialways bring my altar with me, a
special cloth with my totemanimals, my oracle cards, my
crystals, and I set it up there,you know, to honor my ancestors
.
Why not?
This is profoundly shamanicland.
I am going to bring my stuff.
(08:03):
Well, that backpack ended upbeing all the foods that we
bought from the farmer's marketthere.
So much pottery, so muchjewelry, crystals it was so
heavy plus smaller instrumentsthat I brought because I always
travel with my sacredinstruments in case I'm called
to do a little bit of soundhealing.
So, overall, a super phenomenaltrip.
(08:25):
I was ready to come home becauseI had been sleeping on a
trundle bed and that fucked upmy back I'm not going to lie and
I was like goddamn, I'm tiredof eating beans.
My bowels, my body, I need togo home.
But it was such a profoundshift for me in a subtle way it
wasn't a very pronounced way ofbeing like in my face like my
(08:49):
other two retreats that I hadattended where we did huge
transformational, push beyondyour boundaries work.
This was subtle.
It was when we did a breathworkjourney on the Friday that it
was a different style ofbreathing for me.
It was the first time I've everdone a breathwork journey where
I did not see an animal, aspirit guide, zero
(09:11):
visualizations, but my body.
I was so conscious of what itfelt like in my body, the energy
moving through my body, that italmost scared me and after that
I just kind of in the void fora little bit and just really
being present and I got supercrystal clear I love working
(09:32):
with Cassie.
She is a wonderful healer inher own path and so I knew I
want to continue my work here inLakeland for whatever time is
left, and I didn't want to beSutton on wellness, I wanted to
just now incorporate everythingand be the joyful shaman and I
(09:53):
really want to carry that as myown entity, as my own business,
and support Cassie as her ownbusiness, separate but together.
And so I expressed that to herand you know we, we, we
understood that and so, you know, coming back to Florida, it was
bittersweet, you know it was.
It was hard to leave these,these people, and we made
(10:14):
connections, really deepconnections, with our casita
roommate.
We slept in a differentbeautiful casita and our
roommate was from up north and,you know, super sweet person and
you know we all follow eachother on social media and stuff
and see what we're doing andeverything.
And so we're coming back and assoon as we land in Florida,
(10:41):
this reoccurring pain that Ihave in my right knee, as soon
as I stood up from my seat,started immediately hurting
again, like it felt like my kneewas going to explode, like it
was so painful All my hamstrings, muscles of the back of my knee
like totally get jacked up andjust flare up.
(11:04):
This happened after I came backfrom North Carolina for the
first retreat.
Immediately happened when I gotto Chicago on an overnight
flight from Mexico before I flewback to Florida, and then as
soon as I landed in Florida, Istood up getting ready to walk
out to the aisle with Cassie thelineup before we get off the
(11:27):
plane and I'm like fuck my life,my knee is hurting again.
And when you experience pain inyour knee, it is related to
fear, fear of moving forward,and it's something that is a
deep, deep wounding with mebecause of things that have
happened in my life, with mybusiness, my personal
relationships, my relationshipwith my family.
It's just, it was a point.
(11:51):
That spirit was like you needto recognize that these are
going to be some areas ofhealing for you post-retreat.
And I was like okay, all right,I'm awake.
I'm aware.
Well, lo and behold on thefucking plane wake.
I'm aware.
Well, lo and behold, on thefucking plane.
There was a woman that wasacross from us in the aisle that
, unfortunately, was sufferingfrom some mental health issues
(12:14):
at that moment and she was onthe ground in her aisle and no
one had sat next to her.
She was the only person in heraisle.
So she got to fly from Dallasto Tampa with two empty seats,
which is extremely rare, and shewas like banging her hand on
the ground.
And you can hear below theplane that they've already
opened up the cargo door andthey're starting to unload all
(12:36):
of the luggage and I thoughtthis woman was looking for
something.
So I'm watching her but I can'tget like close to her because
I'm in a tight line.
She starts panicking, she startsbeing loud, she starts
aggressively speaking to anotherwoman on the plane Like she is
wanting to get off the plane.
Why?
Because she thinks that shehears babies screaming in the
(13:02):
cargo of the plane and isfreaking the fuck out and wants
to get off the plane.
Think, jesus, that the planeobviously is freaking the fuck
out and wants to get off theplane.
Thank Jesus that the planeobviously had stopped.
We were not in the air, we werenot moving, but she pushed her
way out onto me and almostclocked my face with her big,
oversized carry-on bag and Imean it would have been bad, I
(13:23):
would have probably beenconcussed.
And she tries to open up theemergency door, which is right
in front of us.
So we're all like, no, no, no,no, no, please stop, please stop
.
And she's like I want to getoff this fucking plane.
Let me off this plane.
And I'm just standing here likewhy the fuck am I here?
Why the fuck am I back inFlorida?
What is this showing me?
(13:44):
What is this showing me Like?
Right now, this is testing mylimits.
My knees in pain, my back's inpain, I have to walk all flared
up like this, and now this womanis having a complete meltdown
in front of me and I am justlike great, this is the energy
that we are fucking in, you know.
So it's the beginning ofNovember, cassie and I, we get
(14:09):
in our car, we're stuck in twoand a half hours in traffic in
Tampa on I-4 and 275, one of themost dangerous highways in the
United States.
And this is obviously beforethe elections.
And, of course, we see all ofthe super conservative flags
everywhere, you know, giantflags waving over the interstate
(14:29):
and the highways that these bigcorporate companies have paid
to put out and, um, you know Idon't talk politics on here and
I'm very middle of the road, um,but I just didn't want to be in
that energy.
So I'm sitting just fuminginternally in Cassie's car and
she's, you know, upset.
She's not super road ragey, butshe's like, oh, my God, this
(14:50):
sucks.
You know, we're both in thisenergy of like this is not the
way we want to come home.
And if you've ever attended aretreat, once you leave that
container in that space, ifyou've had a magical, amazing,
transformative time, reality isgoing to be a punch in the mouth
when you come back to energiesthat you can't control, to
(15:10):
people that you can't control,to situations that you can't
control, it sucks so hardbecause you're trying to just
come back into that and you'vealready shifted your energy to
the highest level, to thehighest vibration, cleared so
much shit, and now you're like,oh, I'm back in demon world, I'm
back with people, bullshit, I'mback with all of the other crap
(15:31):
that is not in my highest joyand I have to deal with it.
So my energy started like thatand by the time she took me home
and I get to my front door, Iam like furious, like I'm hungry
.
I'm very tired.
I had to get up, you know, at 5am and now it's 7 pm Eastern
time, so I've been up and youknow I was just.
(15:55):
I was happy to see my family,but I wasn't sure how I was
going to be received, because myenergy has shifted and my
mother and my sister are very,very sensitive to my energy.
After I do breath work, anytimeI do any type of profound
healing stuff, they get reallyirritated with me.
Why?
Because their fucking innerdemons don't like it and it's a
disruption for them.
(16:15):
I get it, I totally get it.
So I'm banging on the door.
My dad opens the door and he'slike, oh, where have you been?
And I'm like I've been gone fora week and it was sad because I
was like my father didn't evenknow I was gone for a week.
And, to kindly remind you, mydad has early onset dementia, so
(16:37):
I can't hold it against him.
You know he lives in his ownworld.
And so I get in the house andyou know my sister's awake.
She's in my mother's room Priorto me attending the retreat in
New Mexico.
I've not been speaking to mymother because of some shit that
went down a couple of weeks agoand I needed to protect my
peace.
So I go to my room and I'm justlike throw my shit on my bed
(16:57):
and I'm just like I'm so fuckingtired.
So I start taking out gifts andthings because I figured, let
me take out my stuff, gifts andthings.
Because I figured, let me takeout my stuff, let me, you know,
gift it to my family, let mejust share with them.
And, um, you know, I come out,my dad's in his normal routine
of watching the news on loop andwatching sports and stuff, like
lying down on the on the couch,and I bring him a shirt that I
(17:19):
got him and some other cutethings.
I got him this beautiful,delicious chocolate from an
amazing chocolate house that'sin Santa Fe and you know he was
really appreciative.
And I was trying to talk to mysister, you know, and she was
just very dismissive of me.
Like she was just like I don'tgive a fuck.
You know, like, okay, you'rehere, I don't care, like can I
(17:42):
talk to you later?
And I'm just like, okay, cool,I bought you like a whole bunch
of shit because I was reallyexcited and it's Christmas
coming up and you know I wantedto get you some special stuff.
You know I just wanted to sharethat moment with my sister but
it was totally ignored anddismissed by my family and that
really sucked for me.
(18:03):
Like that just really put me ina spiral.
That night I think of justexhaustion and hunger and just
like I don't want to be here.
This shit already happened onthe plane.
I'm not being made to feelwelcomed by my family.
You know, I got to get on UberEats and order some food and eat
quietly in my room becausethat's just the way it is.
So I mean, I did give my sistermy stuff and you know that I
(18:26):
got her and she really liked it.
And you know it's not about thethings, it was just I just
wanted to say hello and see howshe was and you know, try to get
my spirits up, but that didn'thappen.
Well, since the beginning ofNovember, I have fallen into a
deep, deep spiral of anxiety anddepression and deep
introspection and anger andfrustration, and it's been
(18:52):
really hard.
I'm not going to lie, I'm stillin it and I'm trying to
navigate and not repeat the samecycles.
I'm trying to go in the flow oftransformation and not be so
combative against it.
I'm also trying to let go ofold mindsets from the past,
(19:12):
working on self-confidence,working on self-doubt, working
on being seen, working onbelieving that the things that I
want to accomplish and do can'thappen.
So a lot of things got stirredup in a subtle way but in a deep
way.
So I've been working andnavigating through that.
But it took me about the entiremonth of November until the
beginning of December to finallyintegrate back into reality.
(19:36):
I didn't want to go to work.
I didn't want to see fuckingclients.
I was like no, I just want tosleep all the time and just not
deal with shit, and I was justtrying to process my thoughts
and my feelings and how I wantto move forward.
I've also started abioidentical hormone replacement
therapy and I started workingout and that really helped me a
(20:00):
lot to just getting active,eating super clean, cleaning up
my diet, getting my adjustments,fixing my low back pain, fixing
my sciatica, moving my body andthen being on progesterone and
estrogen, which hasn't been inmy body in 17 years.
That's been a journey too.
I've been feeling good overall,a lot calmer, I'm able to
(20:22):
process better, but I cannot,cannot sleep.
I have not slept well in eightweeks.
So if this podcast sounds likea little aggressive or a little
crazy, you know I'm sitting hereat midnight on my bed speaking
into my microphone because Ican't fucking sleep and I take
about 10 different supplementsto sleep and my brain wants to
(20:42):
stay up till 5 am, and so thatexacerbates my anxiety and my
depressive feelings as well.
So I have not had the desire orthe motivation to do podcasting
for several weeks.
I always say like I'm going todo it today, I'm going to do it
today, I'm going to do it today,and I don't and I don't, and
that's okay.
You know we're in the holidayseason.
(21:05):
It's a much slower time in mybusiness, which is a big trigger
for me.
Financial instability is one ofmy deepest triggers alongside
my family, and so I was justbeen.
It's been hard, it was good inSanta Fe.
I come back to Florida and I'mlike fuck my life so hard.
I hate this, I hate being here,all of this.
(21:27):
I'm just like what the fuck amI doing?
How do I shift this?
And so I've been navigatingthese feelings of anger and
sadness and withdrawal and justacceptance and making a plan for
the future.
Plus, my HRT program juststarted, like six weeks ago.
I'm sure things are going tohave to get adjusted in January
when I do new blood work again,but it's, it's been a wild
(21:50):
journey and so I'm, and that'swhere I'm at, you know, and
Cassie and I, when we came back,we work inside of our friend's
chiropractic office, who's beenkind and gracious to allow us to
work in a room that he hasbecause he's not quite ready to
bring in an x-ray machine for norent, for no rent, and it's
(22:12):
been a huge blessing.
Well, I think Cassie was stillin her heavy energies in her own
way, and the election time wasreally scary for her.
Me, I just kind of disconnectfrom all of that.
I don't really feed into all ofthat.
I'm just like it is what it isIntuitively, spiritually, I knew
(22:35):
the way it was going to go,because that's the way it needed
to go to usher in the age ofAquarius, with astrology and
everything else that's beenpointed and all practices and
beliefs of the shift in humanitythat's going to happen over the
next 20 years.
This was a huge moment for ourcountry and for people living in
this country.
That just needed to happen.
Well, cassie didn't see it thatway and we didn't talk about it,
(22:56):
but unfortunately my friend,the doctor whose office we work
in, is quite conservative andmade some comments, not to gloat
or anything like that, but madesome comments that really
affected Cassie.
And she was like I want toleave the office, I want to move
and I want to leave the officeand, honestly, I'm to leave the
(23:18):
office, I want to move and Iwant to leave the office and,
honestly, I'm not prepared forthat.
I'm not in a financial placethat I want to do that.
And then part two I'm going totalk about some new plans that
I've already taken out in motion, that I am so excited to start,
and I've already started, andI'll share all of that in part
(23:38):
two.
But I am not ready to leave theoffice and in the midst of me
trying to make myself feelbetter, not knowing how to tell
Cassie I don't want to fuckingmove.
We have something great and Iwant to stay here.
I don't want to pay rent.
I don't want to pay rentbecause of where I want to go.
I'm trying to save my moneybecause I want to move.
Cassie knows I want to leaveFlorida.
(24:01):
And so I said, okay, yeah, let'stake a look.
You know, she went and saw anoffice that I knew was not going
to be the right fit and shejust had to see it for herself.
But there is a historical homein my community that my friend,
who a longtime client wasclosing her law practice and
needed to sublease part of thehouse, and it's been a longtime
(24:24):
dream of mine.
We actually worked with aprofessional realtor for over a
year to try to move in to one ofthese over 120-year-old
historic homes, and it'simpossible unless someone leaves
or a business leaves and it'sleased, or the person dies or it
gets sold.
It's just extremely hard andrare to get into these spaces.
(24:45):
So I had let go of that.
Well, the opportunity came backand I reached out to my friend
and I said, hey, cassie and Iare looking for a new place to
go, and you know, is that roomstill available?
It's a conference room on theground floor of a two-story
bungalow craftsman.
And she's like, yeah, it is.
(25:06):
And I was just in the momentexcited and didn't think things
through and didn't tell Cassie,maybe we should go check out the
house again and make sure it'sgoing to work for our needs.
Then I was great, I'm going totalk to Cassie and then I'm
pretty sure we're going to signthe lease and that happened
relatively quickly and easy, noissues there, you know.
(25:30):
And then I started to have somedoubts of like what the fuck am
I really getting myself into.
Like my business has slowlybegun I don't want to say
crumble, but it's starting toreally, really really get small.
In Lakeland I stopped doingpublic massage therapy in
November.
I have only a handful ofprivate massage therapy clients
(25:52):
that I chose that are inalignment with me, and then no
one is booking energy healing.
I have tried for over threeyears to really get energy
healing to go and it's just notconsistent for me.
It's not consistent.
There is not enough demand inLakeland to have it be
consistent work, whether it'scost or interest or a
(26:14):
combination of both.
It's just not sustainable.
And so I went from earning somuch money to be able to pay all
my bills, all the businessexpenses, pay down my debt, to
now having, since November,starting to put things back on
credit cards again, repeatingthe cycle and less and less
people coming, and it's beenreally scary for me.
(26:34):
So when I made that decisionwith Cassie, I was like fuck,
you're repeating the cycle again, you are jumping the gun.
This is a negative copingmechanism that you recognize
that you're doing that isn'tserving you.
And yeah, I signed the leaseand we gave our money.
You know we gave a securitydeposit and we gave first month
(26:55):
rent and you know we're slatedto move into the house.
I'm going to start next weekand then at the end of January,
end of December, beginning ofJanuary, we should be in the new
house, and so this is the statethat I am in, and so I am
having to work through intensefears right now of the past.
(27:19):
November was not the best monthfinancially.
I scraped by.
December is worse.
I did not work for almost twoweeks, and that's never happened
in my almost 20 years of beinga licensed body worker.
So much so that I had to openup one more massage, my shamanic
healing massage, to the public,because I'm like, if this is
what I'm known for and I have tokeep doing this to get to where
(27:41):
I'm at like, at least let me dothe one massage that I actually
like doing, you know, and nobites.
And I guess it's not so much ofan issue for Cassie because
she's married and there'sanother income in her home.
It's a big issue for me as asingle person that has to help
their parents financiallybecause you owe them a lot of
money from past ventures, andit's trying not to put
(28:03):
themselves into massive amountsof debt again at the end of the
year and starting the new yearlike that.
So I'm in the fire.
I am in the fucking furnaceright now in my mind, in my
spirit, in my heart, and it'sbeen really hard for me to
regulate, and doing this podcasttonight is a way for me to
(28:27):
regulate.
So if this is one of thoseone-off episodes where you're
like, fuck, you know, evenhealers have a hard time and
need to express it, then letthat be that episode.
But that's where I'm at and I'mgoing to stop here because I
want to collect my thoughts andthen I'm going to continue part
(28:48):
two with a more positive andupbeat things, but also the
reality of stuff continuing inthe lessons that I'm learning
and the different things thatI'm trying to do to help me find
balance again.
But if you are listening to thistrust that you are an amazing
human being, you are a beautifulsoul, you have a purpose, there
(29:13):
is a destiny for you, youcreate the reality that you want
and you can achieve anything,even when you are experiencing
dark nights of the soul,upheaval, change, transformation
, transitions like myself.
It is all temporary, but it isall meant to elevate you and
take you and align you to whereyou need to be.
(29:34):
So, as hard as it is for meright now to trust and surrender
trust and surrender of what'shappening in your life, what has
happened and what's coming foryou Keep your heart open and
know that you are not alone inthe walk and that you always
have a friend here with me.
If you need someone to talk toreach out to me.
(29:54):
My contact information's inthis podcast.
But until we meet again, bewell, sat Nam friend.
Welcome back to another episode of the Joyful
Shaman.
I am Naomi, your host with themost, and I am so glad to be
back after taking a little bitof a break to do some self-care
and rest.
This is gonna be a two-partepisode because I wanna give you
an update as to what's beengoing on in my life, why I
(00:22):
needed the res, all thesechanges and upheavals, and then
what's coming up for me in 2025.
So part one, the last episodethat I had uploaded, and I
uploaded all of my episodesright before I went on to this
retreat in Santa Fe, new Mexico,at the end of October with my
(00:43):
business partner, cassie.
So I did do a lot of work in ashort amount of time so that I
wouldn't have to worry about nothaving an episode on a weekly
basis, even though I said I wasgoing to try to do that.
That didn't quite pan out, andso I went on this amazing,
(01:04):
amazing retreat in Santa Fe, newMexico, and I learned from my
first time experience being outthere that I motherfucking love
Santa Fe like fucking love it somuch I could totally see myself
moving out there.
I hope to move out there in theSouthwest within the next year
or so, but I love this fuckingcity.
(01:25):
I get there.
It's small, it's such aculturally diverse place.
Inclusivity as being a personof indigenous origin and a
minority being welcome andwanted in a community where it
is part of the active culturewas really, really healing for
(01:46):
me.
And the reason I went on thisretreat with Cassie was number
one to work through some mentalblocks that I've been having
about my business, my path as ashamanic healer and really like
what do I want?
What do I want for 2025?
How can I create more structurein my life to get to the places
(02:08):
that I want to be in, to createthe life that I desire?
Now don't get me wrong, I'm notquestioning myself as a shaman
or my spiritual path or anythinglike that, but I've just been
having this mental block andemotional block of what's next
for me and how do I create thatpath.
And with my Capricorn moon, Iam a logistical person.
(02:32):
I have to put things togetherto make it make sense for me.
And Cassie, you know I love herso much but she is a mother of
three children and has not had avacation or time away from her
kids in nine years since she hadthem and I felt that this would
be a good getaway to gotogether and enjoy something
(02:56):
together and be closer asbusiness partners and as
longtime friends.
And so when she said yes earlyon in the summer to go, I was so
excited.
So it had been like a countdownfor us to attend this retreat,
so I was really excited when Igot there.
We both are very much bohemianwild spirit souls and we are,
(03:23):
and we wanted to just simply bepresent, be present in sacred
land, be present with the smallgroup of women it was eight of
us that were going to this housein Tusuke Pueblo Village, so up
on the mountains, and you knowwe were.
I had no expectations, honestly.
(03:43):
I just really wanted amotherfucking vacation.
I invented two other retreats.
One was an experience that Ihad and I'm just going to leave
it at that.
The other one was supertransformative, powerful.
I did a lot of healing work inthe summer in Tulum and then New
Mexico.
I just needed a fucking break.
I have not had like a truevacation in probably seven years
(04:06):
and I it's been well overdueand I just wasn't in the
financial position to do that.
I really wasn't in thefinancial position to do that
this year.
But you know, I just I justtook a chance and I said you
know, if I'm going to gosomewhere and enjoy myself, I
want to do some healing work too.
So we get to New Mexico.
It's a five day, four nighttrip and Cassie and I are loving
(04:28):
it.
Coming from fucking Floridawhere it is so damn hot to a
place where it is fifties andsixties, I am thriving.
I am thriving.
I love cold weather very muchand she was just over the moon,
just being with the mountains,seeing that desert landscape.
There was just somethingmagical about being there as
(04:50):
soon as we walked out of thatlittle regional airport, just
seeing the Adobe style buildings.
Everything's so historicalthere, it's like the wild west
and I don't know.
It just brought back thisfeeling of nostalgia and comfort
for me and I was like I am homevery much and we wait for our
ride.
(05:11):
And it's actually the retreathost who come and picks us up
from the airport and anotherwoman that was attending and we
go immediately into the downtownarea into one of the best
Mexican restaurants that I'vebeen in in a long time.
It's called Pascual's.
If you have been to Santa Fe orare going, I highly, highly
(05:33):
recommend.
And we had a late brunch and itwas delicious, and we were just
walking around a little bit.
We went to our Airbnb, whichwas this beautiful, beautiful,
spiritual, shamanic house.
As soon as you walked in, allof the artwork, all of the
pottery, the jewelry thatrepresented so many indigenous
tribes all over the world andthe careful selection of
(05:56):
shamanic and spiritual itemseverywhere, I knew this house
was a fucking magical house andI was so grateful to be there up
on this mountain, staringacross the ridge, staring at the
desert landscape, and I justwas so grateful.
So we had a magical time.
You know, there was some work.
We did a lot of meditation, alot of journeying, and for me, I
(06:20):
was just in this stillness.
I was just in this stillness.
I had not felt stillness, thefeeling of happiness, the
feeling of home, the feeling ofconnection to the universe and
to the land, ever in my life,not until I was in that house,
sitting up on that mountain,staring out of these huge open
(06:40):
windows, with these beautifulpanoramic views, that in my
heart, I was like this is mywork, this is where I should be,
this is what I need, this is mymedicine, and so I was just
completely present in New Mexico.
Cassie did a lot of profoundwork for herself and I was so
(07:01):
honored and privileged to beable to be a witness to her
journey and for her to do thework that she needed to do.
And you know, we did someshopping.
We ate amazing food.
The people there are soincredibly nice.
We bought a shit ton of jewelry.
Cassie and I are enablers ofeach other when it comes to
(07:21):
jewelry, art, food and memorableexperiences.
We will never say like, are yousure?
Maybe you should think aboutthat before you do it.
Like we see it.
I'm like do it, do it,screaming across like the
parking lot, do it.
You know, if we're holding upsomething, I'm like, oh, this
piece of jewelry is $500.
And I'm like buy it.
(07:42):
And we did, we bought thejewelry.
Jewelry is $500.
And I'm like buy it.
And we did, we bought thejewelry.
I had a backpack that I carry toall my retreats with all my
ceremonial things, because Ialways bring my altar with me, a
special cloth with my totemanimals, my oracle cards, my
crystals, and I set it up there,you know, to honor my ancestors
.
Why not?
This is profoundly shamanicland.
I am going to bring my stuff.
(08:03):
Well, that backpack ended upbeing all the foods that we
bought from the farmer's marketthere.
So much pottery, so muchjewelry, crystals it was so
heavy plus smaller instrumentsthat I brought because I always
travel with my sacredinstruments in case I'm called
to do a little bit of soundhealing.
So, overall, a super phenomenaltrip.
(08:25):
I was ready to come home becauseI had been sleeping on a
trundle bed and that fucked upmy back I'm not going to lie and
I was like goddamn, I'm tiredof eating beans.
My bowels, my body, I need togo home.
But it was such a profoundshift for me in a subtle way it
wasn't a very pronounced way ofbeing like in my face like my
(08:49):
other two retreats that I hadattended where we did huge
transformational, push beyondyour boundaries work.
This was subtle.
It was when we did a breathworkjourney on the Friday that it
was a different style ofbreathing for me.
It was the first time I've everdone a breathwork journey where
I did not see an animal, aspirit guide, zero
(09:11):
visualizations, but my body.
I was so conscious of what itfelt like in my body, the energy
moving through my body, that italmost scared me and after that
I just kind of in the void fora little bit and just really
being present and I got supercrystal clear I love working
(09:32):
with Cassie.
She is a wonderful healer inher own path and so I knew I
want to continue my work here inLakeland for whatever time is
left, and I didn't want to beSutton on wellness, I wanted to
just now incorporate everythingand be the joyful shaman and I
(09:53):
really want to carry that as myown entity, as my own business,
and support Cassie as her ownbusiness, separate but together.
And so I expressed that to herand you know we, we, we
understood that and so, you know, coming back to Florida, it was
bittersweet, you know it was.
It was hard to leave these,these people, and we made
(10:14):
connections, really deepconnections, with our casita
roommate.
We slept in a differentbeautiful casita and our
roommate was from up north and,you know, super sweet person and
you know we all follow eachother on social media and stuff
and see what we're doing andeverything.
And so we're coming back and assoon as we land in Florida,
(10:41):
this reoccurring pain that Ihave in my right knee, as soon
as I stood up from my seat,started immediately hurting
again, like it felt like my kneewas going to explode, like it
was so painful All my hamstrings, muscles of the back of my knee
like totally get jacked up andjust flare up.
(11:04):
This happened after I came backfrom North Carolina for the
first retreat.
Immediately happened when I gotto Chicago on an overnight
flight from Mexico before I flewback to Florida, and then as
soon as I landed in Florida, Istood up getting ready to walk
out to the aisle with Cassie thelineup before we get off the
(11:27):
plane and I'm like fuck my life,my knee is hurting again.
And when you experience pain inyour knee, it is related to
fear, fear of moving forward,and it's something that is a
deep, deep wounding with mebecause of things that have
happened in my life, with mybusiness, my personal
relationships, my relationshipwith my family.
It's just, it was a point.
(11:51):
That spirit was like you needto recognize that these are
going to be some areas ofhealing for you post-retreat.
And I was like okay, all right,I'm awake.
I'm aware.
Well, lo and behold on thefucking plane wake.
I'm aware.
Well, lo and behold, on thefucking plane.
There was a woman that wasacross from us in the aisle that
, unfortunately, was sufferingfrom some mental health issues
(12:14):
at that moment and she was onthe ground in her aisle and no
one had sat next to her.
She was the only person in heraisle.
So she got to fly from Dallasto Tampa with two empty seats,
which is extremely rare, and shewas like banging her hand on
the ground.
And you can hear below theplane that they've already
opened up the cargo door andthey're starting to unload all
(12:36):
of the luggage and I thoughtthis woman was looking for
something.
So I'm watching her but I can'tget like close to her because
I'm in a tight line.
She starts panicking, she startsbeing loud, she starts
aggressively speaking to anotherwoman on the plane Like she is
wanting to get off the plane.
Why?
Because she thinks that shehears babies screaming in the
(13:02):
cargo of the plane and isfreaking the fuck out and wants
to get off the plane.
Think, jesus, that the planeobviously is freaking the fuck
out and wants to get off theplane.
Thank Jesus that the planeobviously had stopped.
We were not in the air, we werenot moving, but she pushed her
way out onto me and almostclocked my face with her big,
oversized carry-on bag and Imean it would have been bad, I
(13:23):
would have probably beenconcussed.
And she tries to open up theemergency door, which is right
in front of us.
So we're all like, no, no, no,no, no, please stop, please stop
.
And she's like I want to getoff this fucking plane.
Let me off this plane.
And I'm just standing here likewhy the fuck am I here?
Why the fuck am I back inFlorida?
What is this showing me?
(13:44):
What is this showing me Like?
Right now, this is testing mylimits.
My knees in pain, my back's inpain, I have to walk all flared
up like this, and now this womanis having a complete meltdown
in front of me and I am justlike great, this is the energy
that we are fucking in, you know.
So it's the beginning ofNovember, cassie and I, we get
(14:09):
in our car, we're stuck in twoand a half hours in traffic in
Tampa on I-4 and 275, one of themost dangerous highways in the
United States.
And this is obviously beforethe elections.
And, of course, we see all ofthe super conservative flags
everywhere, you know, giantflags waving over the interstate
(14:29):
and the highways that these bigcorporate companies have paid
to put out and, um, you know Idon't talk politics on here and
I'm very middle of the road, um,but I just didn't want to be in
that energy.
So I'm sitting just fuminginternally in Cassie's car and
she's, you know, upset.
She's not super road ragey, butshe's like, oh, my God, this
(14:50):
sucks.
You know, we're both in thisenergy of like this is not the
way we want to come home.
And if you've ever attended aretreat, once you leave that
container in that space, ifyou've had a magical, amazing,
transformative time, reality isgoing to be a punch in the mouth
when you come back to energiesthat you can't control, to
(15:10):
people that you can't control,to situations that you can't
control, it sucks so hardbecause you're trying to just
come back into that and you'vealready shifted your energy to
the highest level, to thehighest vibration, cleared so
much shit, and now you're like,oh, I'm back in demon world, I'm
back with people, bullshit, I'mback with all of the other crap
(15:31):
that is not in my highest joyand I have to deal with it.
So my energy started like thatand by the time she took me home
and I get to my front door, Iam like furious, like I'm hungry
.
I'm very tired.
I had to get up, you know, at 5am and now it's 7 pm Eastern
time, so I've been up and youknow I was just.
(15:55):
I was happy to see my family,but I wasn't sure how I was
going to be received, because myenergy has shifted and my
mother and my sister are very,very sensitive to my energy.
After I do breath work, anytimeI do any type of profound
healing stuff, they get reallyirritated with me.
Why?
Because their fucking innerdemons don't like it and it's a
disruption for them.
(16:15):
I get it, I totally get it.
So I'm banging on the door.
My dad opens the door and he'slike, oh, where have you been?
And I'm like I've been gone fora week and it was sad because I
was like my father didn't evenknow I was gone for a week.
And, to kindly remind you, mydad has early onset dementia, so
(16:37):
I can't hold it against him.
You know he lives in his ownworld.
And so I get in the house andyou know my sister's awake.
She's in my mother's room Priorto me attending the retreat in
New Mexico.
I've not been speaking to mymother because of some shit that
went down a couple of weeks agoand I needed to protect my
peace.
So I go to my room and I'm justlike throw my shit on my bed
(16:57):
and I'm just like I'm so fuckingtired.
So I start taking out gifts andthings because I figured, let
me take out my stuff, gifts andthings.
Because I figured, let me takeout my stuff, let me, you know,
gift it to my family, let mejust share with them.
And, um, you know, I come out,my dad's in his normal routine
of watching the news on loop andwatching sports and stuff, like
lying down on the on the couch,and I bring him a shirt that I
(17:19):
got him and some other cutethings.
I got him this beautiful,delicious chocolate from an
amazing chocolate house that'sin Santa Fe and you know he was
really appreciative.
And I was trying to talk to mysister, you know, and she was
just very dismissive of me.
Like she was just like I don'tgive a fuck.
You know, like, okay, you'rehere, I don't care, like can I
(17:42):
talk to you later?
And I'm just like, okay, cool,I bought you like a whole bunch
of shit because I was reallyexcited and it's Christmas
coming up and you know I wantedto get you some special stuff.
You know I just wanted to sharethat moment with my sister but
it was totally ignored anddismissed by my family and that
really sucked for me.
(18:03):
Like that just really put me ina spiral.
That night I think of justexhaustion and hunger and just
like I don't want to be here.
This shit already happened onthe plane.
I'm not being made to feelwelcomed by my family.
You know, I got to get on UberEats and order some food and eat
quietly in my room becausethat's just the way it is.
So I mean, I did give my sistermy stuff and you know that I
(18:26):
got her and she really liked it.
And you know it's not about thethings, it was just I just
wanted to say hello and see howshe was and you know, try to get
my spirits up, but that didn'thappen.
Well, since the beginning ofNovember, I have fallen into a
deep, deep spiral of anxiety anddepression and deep
introspection and anger andfrustration, and it's been
(18:52):
really hard.
I'm not going to lie, I'm stillin it and I'm trying to
navigate and not repeat the samecycles.
I'm trying to go in the flow oftransformation and not be so
combative against it.
I'm also trying to let go ofold mindsets from the past,
(19:12):
working on self-confidence,working on self-doubt, working
on being seen, working onbelieving that the things that I
want to accomplish and do can'thappen.
So a lot of things got stirredup in a subtle way but in a deep
way.
So I've been working andnavigating through that.
But it took me about the entiremonth of November until the
beginning of December to finallyintegrate back into reality.
(19:36):
I didn't want to go to work.
I didn't want to see fuckingclients.
I was like no, I just want tosleep all the time and just not
deal with shit, and I was justtrying to process my thoughts
and my feelings and how I wantto move forward.
I've also started abioidentical hormone replacement
therapy and I started workingout and that really helped me a
(20:00):
lot to just getting active,eating super clean, cleaning up
my diet, getting my adjustments,fixing my low back pain, fixing
my sciatica, moving my body andthen being on progesterone and
estrogen, which hasn't been inmy body in 17 years.
That's been a journey too.
I've been feeling good overall,a lot calmer, I'm able to
(20:22):
process better, but I cannot,cannot sleep.
I have not slept well in eightweeks.
So if this podcast sounds likea little aggressive or a little
crazy, you know I'm sitting hereat midnight on my bed speaking
into my microphone because Ican't fucking sleep and I take
about 10 different supplementsto sleep and my brain wants to
(20:42):
stay up till 5 am, and so thatexacerbates my anxiety and my
depressive feelings as well.
So I have not had the desire orthe motivation to do podcasting
for several weeks.
I always say like I'm going todo it today, I'm going to do it
today, I'm going to do it today,and I don't and I don't, and
that's okay.
You know we're in the holidayseason.
(21:05):
It's a much slower time in mybusiness, which is a big trigger
for me.
Financial instability is one ofmy deepest triggers alongside
my family, and so I was justbeen.
It's been hard, it was good inSanta Fe.
I come back to Florida and I'mlike fuck my life so hard.
I hate this, I hate being here,all of this.
(21:27):
I'm just like what the fuck amI doing?
How do I shift this?
And so I've been navigatingthese feelings of anger and
sadness and withdrawal and justacceptance and making a plan for
the future.
Plus, my HRT program juststarted, like six weeks ago.
I'm sure things are going tohave to get adjusted in January
when I do new blood work again,but it's, it's been a wild
(21:50):
journey and so I'm, and that'swhere I'm at, you know, and
Cassie and I, when we came back,we work inside of our friend's
chiropractic office, who's beenkind and gracious to allow us to
work in a room that he hasbecause he's not quite ready to
bring in an x-ray machine for norent, for no rent, and it's
(22:12):
been a huge blessing.
Well, I think Cassie was stillin her heavy energies in her own
way, and the election time wasreally scary for her.
Me, I just kind of disconnectfrom all of that.
I don't really feed into all ofthat.
I'm just like it is what it isIntuitively, spiritually, I knew
(22:35):
the way it was going to go,because that's the way it needed
to go to usher in the age ofAquarius, with astrology and
everything else that's beenpointed and all practices and
beliefs of the shift in humanitythat's going to happen over the
next 20 years.
This was a huge moment for ourcountry and for people living in
this country.
That just needed to happen.
Well, cassie didn't see it thatway and we didn't talk about it,
(22:56):
but unfortunately my friend,the doctor whose office we work
in, is quite conservative andmade some comments, not to gloat
or anything like that, but madesome comments that really
affected Cassie.
And she was like I want toleave the office, I want to move
and I want to leave the officeand, honestly, I'm to leave the
(23:18):
office, I want to move and Iwant to leave the office and,
honestly, I'm not prepared forthat.
I'm not in a financial placethat I want to do that.
And then part two I'm going totalk about some new plans that
I've already taken out in motion, that I am so excited to start,
and I've already started, andI'll share all of that in part
(23:38):
two.
But I am not ready to leave theoffice and in the midst of me
trying to make myself feelbetter, not knowing how to tell
Cassie I don't want to fuckingmove.
We have something great and Iwant to stay here.
I don't want to pay rent.
I don't want to pay rentbecause of where I want to go.
I'm trying to save my moneybecause I want to move.
Cassie knows I want to leaveFlorida.
(24:01):
And so I said, okay, yeah, let'stake a look.
You know, she went and saw anoffice that I knew was not going
to be the right fit and shejust had to see it for herself.
But there is a historical homein my community that my friend,
who a longtime client wasclosing her law practice and
needed to sublease part of thehouse, and it's been a longtime
(24:24):
dream of mine.
We actually worked with aprofessional realtor for over a
year to try to move in to one ofthese over 120-year-old
historic homes, and it'simpossible unless someone leaves
or a business leaves and it'sleased, or the person dies or it
gets sold.
It's just extremely hard andrare to get into these spaces.
(24:45):
So I had let go of that.
Well, the opportunity came backand I reached out to my friend
and I said, hey, cassie and Iare looking for a new place to
go, and you know, is that roomstill available?
It's a conference room on theground floor of a two-story
bungalow craftsman.
And she's like, yeah, it is.
(25:06):
And I was just in the momentexcited and didn't think things
through and didn't tell Cassie,maybe we should go check out the
house again and make sure it'sgoing to work for our needs.
Then I was great, I'm going totalk to Cassie and then I'm
pretty sure we're going to signthe lease and that happened
relatively quickly and easy, noissues there, you know.
(25:30):
And then I started to have somedoubts of like what the fuck am
I really getting myself into.
Like my business has slowlybegun I don't want to say
crumble, but it's starting toreally, really really get small.
In Lakeland I stopped doingpublic massage therapy in
November.
I have only a handful ofprivate massage therapy clients
(25:52):
that I chose that are inalignment with me, and then no
one is booking energy healing.
I have tried for over threeyears to really get energy
healing to go and it's just notconsistent for me.
It's not consistent.
There is not enough demand inLakeland to have it be
consistent work, whether it'scost or interest or a
(26:14):
combination of both.
It's just not sustainable.
And so I went from earning somuch money to be able to pay all
my bills, all the businessexpenses, pay down my debt, to
now having, since November,starting to put things back on
credit cards again, repeatingthe cycle and less and less
people coming, and it's beenreally scary for me.
(26:34):
So when I made that decisionwith Cassie, I was like fuck,
you're repeating the cycle again, you are jumping the gun.
This is a negative copingmechanism that you recognize
that you're doing that isn'tserving you.
And yeah, I signed the leaseand we gave our money.
You know we gave a securitydeposit and we gave first month
(26:55):
rent and you know we're slatedto move into the house.
I'm going to start next weekand then at the end of January,
end of December, beginning ofJanuary, we should be in the new
house, and so this is the statethat I am in, and so I am
having to work through intensefears right now of the past.
(27:19):
November was not the best monthfinancially.
I scraped by.
December is worse.
I did not work for almost twoweeks, and that's never happened
in my almost 20 years of beinga licensed body worker.
So much so that I had to openup one more massage, my shamanic
healing massage, to the public,because I'm like, if this is
what I'm known for and I have tokeep doing this to get to where
(27:41):
I'm at like, at least let me dothe one massage that I actually
like doing, you know, and nobites.
And I guess it's not so much ofan issue for Cassie because
she's married and there'sanother income in her home.
It's a big issue for me as asingle person that has to help
their parents financiallybecause you owe them a lot of
money from past ventures, andit's trying not to put
(28:03):
themselves into massive amountsof debt again at the end of the
year and starting the new yearlike that.
So I'm in the fire.
I am in the fucking furnaceright now in my mind, in my
spirit, in my heart, and it'sbeen really hard for me to
regulate, and doing this podcasttonight is a way for me to
(28:27):
regulate.
So if this is one of thoseone-off episodes where you're
like, fuck, you know, evenhealers have a hard time and
need to express it, then letthat be that episode.
But that's where I'm at and I'mgoing to stop here because I
want to collect my thoughts andthen I'm going to continue part
(28:48):
two with a more positive andupbeat things, but also the
reality of stuff continuing inthe lessons that I'm learning
and the different things thatI'm trying to do to help me find
balance again.
But if you are listening to thistrust that you are an amazing
human being, you are a beautifulsoul, you have a purpose, there
(29:13):
is a destiny for you, youcreate the reality that you want
and you can achieve anything,even when you are experiencing
dark nights of the soul,upheaval, change, transformation
, transitions like myself.
It is all temporary, but it isall meant to elevate you and
take you and align you to whereyou need to be.
(29:34):
So, as hard as it is for meright now to trust and surrender
trust and surrender of what'shappening in your life, what has
happened and what's coming foryou Keep your heart open and
know that you are not alone inthe walk and that you always
have a friend here with me.
If you need someone to talk toreach out to me.
(29:54):
My contact information's inthis podcast.
But until we meet again, bewell, sat Nam friend.
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