Thank Your Setbacks: How Jason Tharp Turned a Stage 4 Diagnosis Into a Second Chance at Life

Send us a text

What do you do when someone tells you you’ve only got seven months to live?

If you’re Jason Tharp, you decide to do the exact opposite of giving up. You strip away the masks, you stop apologizing for who you are, and you start spreading joy in the most unexpected ways.

Jason is an author, artist, and cancer survivor who’s beating the odds every single day. In our chat, he shares how a Stage 4 brain cancer diagnosis became the thing that set him free — from self-loathing, from fear, from living small.

We get into:
⚡ The wild story of firing his doctor after being told he’d be dead in 7 months.
⚡ How he went from 400 pounds to reclaiming his health.
⚡ Why he started leaving handwritten notes of encouragement for strangers.
⚡ And the perspective shift that changed everything: cancer isn’t happening to him, it’s happening through him.

This one’s about survival, sure. But more than that, it’s about choosing to really live.

And Jason — if you’re reading this — thank you for sitting across from me and sharing your story so openly. You filled my cup (and then some), and I know you’ll do the same for everyone who listens.

Episode Transcript

Speaker 2 (00:03):
Hey there you beautiful badass.
Welcome to the Keri Croft Show.
I'm your host, keri Croft,delivering you stories that get
you pumped up and fling like theunstoppable savage that you are
.
So grab your coffee, put onyour game face and let's do this
thing, baby.
Face and let's do this thing,baby.

(00:31):
Avena Women's Care is acollective of 40 plus providers
that have been serving centralOhio communities with
comprehensive women's healthcare for decades.
They meet women where they are,in every phase of life.
From fertility services tomenopause care, annual checkups
to 3D mammography.
Avena provides robust servicesfor all.
So for the highest level ofindividualized women's health
care, there's one name toremember Avena Women's Care.

(00:53):
Go to wwwavenawomenscarecom torequest an appointment.
Be sure to tell them.
Carrie sent you Ready toelevate your self-care game.
Bosco Beauty Bar is a modern medspa offering everything from
cosmetic injectables, lasers andmicroneedling to medical-grade
facials and skin care,conveniently located in

(01:13):
Clintonville, grandview, powelland Easton.
Making self-care a priority hasnever been easier.
Use code KROFT for $25 off yourfirst visit.
Summer's coming in hot, but isyour skin summer ready?
Fine lines, sun damage, melasmaIf these are cramping your vibe
, the Moxie Laser at Donaldsonwill leave you glowing.

(01:34):
Nervous about lasering yourface.
I tried Moxie and it was quickand gentle, perfect for
first-timers and all skin types.
And my results 10 out of 10.
And if you're a first timer atDonaldson, mention the Keri
Croft Show for $100 off yourMoxie treatment.
Don't say I've never doneanything for you.
So these are just littleaffirmations.

Speaker 1 (01:56):
Yeah, pretty much yeah.

Speaker 2 (01:57):
When did you, when did you do this?

Speaker 1 (01:59):
When I was going through treatment yeah, cause I
was going to what happened was Iwas in treatment and I just was
like everybody looks sick but Idon't feel sick.
So maybe the way to heal myselfis that I could start like
passing the way I feel on thepeople, so I would write little
notes and it'd be like hey, Isee you here every day.
I just want you to know that,like you're doing really cool,

(02:21):
like you know I just want to letyou know.
I think it sucks that we gottago through this, but you just
kind of inspire me that you'realways here and you know all
this like that, and I would justI would hand them to people and
uh.
And then I just started likewriting them on cards and then
leaving them on cars.
And then my you know, like mybackground, I was just like why
don't I just turn this intosomething?

(02:42):
And then so I just startedmaking.
I just went to Vistaprint,found square cards, just
designed them up and then I wasmaking them, just started making
them in my house, and then Ifound, I think through Alibaba
or something like that, somebodythat made the boxes, and then I
just we made I think Iinitially sold like 800 packs of

(03:05):
them and we just I turned myliving room into basically a
warehouse and just sometimeslike I'll just leave a whole
deck on somebody's windshield orI'll just leave one on a door,
or when I'm at the grocery storeI'll have some in my pocket and
I'll just throw it insomebody's cart.
So the idea is it's like kindof surprise and delight.

(03:26):
So it kind of takes people wherethey don't.
They're not expecting something, or I'll leave them on, like go
to Starbucks, put it on thewindow like the mirror in the
bathroom, so there's like the QRcode that'll take people to my
site and stuff, so they see thestory behind it and like why
they're there.

Speaker 2 (03:40):
I'm fascinated that Like during a time you're
diagnosed with like was a stagefour.
Oh yeah, glioblastoma.

Speaker 1 (03:49):
It's bad.

Speaker 2 (03:50):
So so, but it's fascinating to me that you got a
diagnosis like that and you'rehere today, right, so you're,
you're beating odds, oh yeah,left and right.
So I don't know, does one thinghave to do with the other?

(04:14):
But like, I just find that tobe really incredible.
So, jason, yeah, welcome to theKeri Croft show.
Thank you, thank you.
It is my true honor to besitting with you.

Speaker 1 (04:24):
It's my pleasure.

Speaker 2 (04:25):
So let's pick one of these.
I just want to do a random card.
Did you write all theseyourself?

Speaker 1 (04:31):
I did.

Speaker 2 (04:31):
Sometimes the smallest step in the right
direction ends up being thebiggest.
You're doing great.
Do one more.
All right, I need these today.
Can you tell?

Speaker 1 (04:40):
Okay.

Speaker 2 (04:40):
Here we go.
You bring so much joy into theworld just by being.
You Never forget how amazingyou are.
Kate, I think you need one ofthese too, because you had a
little rough night.
Come over here and let's readone for Kate.
Kate had some anxiety lastnight.
This is part of being a part ofthe show.
Nothing is private.
Kate had anxiety last night,everybody.

(05:01):
Hey, all right, pick it andthen read it.
You're doing a fantastic job.
Life's tough, but you'retougher.
Oh right, kate, you're doing agood job, sweetie.

Speaker 1 (05:12):
You are.

Speaker 2 (05:12):
And if I haven't told you lately you're doing such a
great job, Am I the reason foryour anxiety last night?

Speaker 1 (05:17):
Let's get it out, let's have it out.

Speaker 2 (05:21):
So I have so many questions for you.

Speaker 1 (05:23):
Yes, let's go.

Speaker 2 (05:25):
But let's start with like, what are the most awkward
weird things people say to yousince you've been diagnosed with
cancer?
Like, do people just say I mean, they don't know what to say,
they feel like they have twoleft feet?

Speaker 1 (05:37):
The first thing is always I'm sorry, do you?

Speaker 2 (05:39):
hate that.

Speaker 1 (05:41):
Yeah, kind of a little bit, because I always.
My reaction always is like,well, don't be because you
didn't give it to me, and if youdid we should talk OK.
But you know, I think that Iget it 100 percent.
You don't really know what tosay when somebody says, yeah,
hey, so I was supposed to bedead in seven months, you know,
and I'm still here.

(06:01):
And or either people don't, youknow, because I wear the device
in my head, people don't knowwhat it is, so I'll get the
random thing because they thinkI'm going to camelback or they
think I'm rucking all time orwhatever.
And so they'll ask, they'll say, like what is that?
Is it a cooling device?
And I'm always like, boy, Iwish it was and I'll explain it.
And they're like like, oh mygod, I'm so sorry.

(06:22):
And it's like they'reembarrassed to ask the question
and it's like, no, it's actuallyreally cool technology.
And let me tell you about itlike and I think that so it's.
It's not, it's not annoying,it's just more so, like I feel
like we're always so afraid toask questions nowadays because

(06:42):
we're worried that we're goingto offend somebody, but
sometimes asking questionsactually builds a bridge to a
new friendship or a new whatever, because you never know.
I mean because there always isa bridge of something right.

Speaker 2 (06:54):
Yeah.

Speaker 1 (07:03):
And I think that a lot of times people assume too
much that you can't askquestions or you need to
apologize for asking questions,or you need to apologize for
being curious, but the truth is,is we all actually get to where
we want to go by finding thegoalposts out there, the people
out there that are doing stuffthat we would like to do, and
it's like for me, it's that'swhy I make those things, that's
why I'm willing to talk topeople, it's because that's what

(07:24):
I look at, like I am, I ambeyond beating odds, like with
as far as what I got diagnosedwith, and like I don't take a
single moment of that forgranted.
And it's like, you know, I'mstill here because there's some
work to do and I need to connectand I need to do this because
why else would I survive this,you know?

(07:44):
And so it's just kind of likeit's easy to lean into that side
of stuff.
So I've learned, really, reallyimportantly, how to kind of
thank that setback, you know,for what it revealed in me.
Like you know, for so long I Ireally had masks.
I had so many masks on.
Like you know, I've been withmy wife since I was 18.

(08:06):
So we've been together longerthan not and like guaranteed
anybody that knew me prior todiagnosis never, ever knew me,
including her and my kids.
But now people actually get tomeet me and it's like this is
all the stuff that I've beenholding inside, that I was too
afraid to tell everybody aboutbecause I was judged by it when

(08:27):
I was a kid, I was ridiculed forit, I was bullied a lot because
I always felt connected tosomething different, and so it
was like easier to suppress that, whereas, like when all the
excuses are stripped away, youcan't anymore.
Like you kind of unplug fromall this stuff and once you see
it, you can't un.
Like you kind of unplug fromall this stuff and once you see
it, you can't unsee it.

Speaker 2 (08:47):
Yeah.

Speaker 1 (08:47):
And so I just run with it now, and so yeah, what's
an cause?

Speaker 2 (08:51):
I don't like the.
I don't like when people sayI'm sorry either.

Speaker 1 (08:54):
Yes.

Speaker 2 (08:54):
So like I've got a completely different struggle
that I've had with infertilityand so that became sort of this
thing where everybody would belike oh, I'm sorry, and it
started to piss me off, but thenI want to be a part of the
solution, right?
So what would be something thatsomeone could say to you
alternatively to I'm sorry, thatwould maybe make you feel

(09:16):
better, like is there somethingsomeone has said where you're
like I kind of love.

Speaker 1 (09:20):
Yeah, I mean, I think the I think the easiest thing
would be like is there anythingthat you can tell me that I
could use for my life?
That would like help me?
Because I mean, you knoweverybody struggles, you know
Kate had anxiety last night,right it's always coming back to
Kate.
We all have stuff, and I thinkthat's the part.
It's like.
One of the things that I loveto tell people is that, like, my

(09:43):
goal in life is to wake you upbefore you have to have a
diagnosis like I had, right, soit's easier, I think.
So, ok, I'll use this as anexample.
So whenever I go to like someof these medical conferences and
stuff like that, I get to meetall these different you know
doctors or you knowpharmaceutical companies that

(10:03):
are working on cures for cancer.
So when I meet people, I'll saystuff like hey, I have brain
cancer, I want to live.
You got anything for me, right?
So you just ask the directquestion like how could you help
me?
Like, do you have a solutionthat would work in my life?
And I think that that's muchbetter than I'm sorry, like,

(10:25):
because I feel that are we'reall of us humans, are are
bubbles, right?
We're kind of floating aroundand we all bump into each other.
Like you know, this momentwe're having right now is never
going to repeat.
So we're like two bubbles thatare going to bounce and
sometimes, when bubbles bouncetogether, they form bigger
bubbles or sometimes they pop,right.

(10:46):
That's what we get to do everysingle day as people, we get to
bump into other bubbles and see,is there something in this
person's story that I couldactually use to help me get
further where I'm at?
Because the beauty is that we'reall out there floating around
trying to figure life out, outthere floating around trying to

(11:07):
figure life out, and the more wecan embrace that and just be
vulnerable with it and just saystuff like you know, hey, like
you know, boy, cancer sucks.
I think that's probably wouldbe the cool part, if people just
says that man, that would suck,because there's the acknowledge
of like yeah, it does suck.
Like you know, it's like mylife was completely normal and
then all of a sudden, somebodytold me I was going to be dead
in seven months.
Like it was, like there wasnothing wrong with me as far as

(11:30):
I knew.
And then the next day I knowI'm, I'm waking up with my shoes
off, I peed my pants and I'm inthe emergency room and they're
telling me that I'm going forMRI and they're going to cut my
head open and take out a tumor.

Speaker 2 (11:41):
Like yeah, so we're going to get.
We're going to get to that deadin seven months part Um.
I have some questions for thatdoctor.
No, um, so uh, just bedsidemanner.
But I get, I get it.
I get the diagnosis from a highlevel is like a fatal thing,
right, they're like you're youdon't want to hear that, but I

(12:02):
also get that like no one's Godand so like we'll get to that so
.
But you said something earlierabout how your wife never really
knew you, your kids neverreally knew you.
You you were masking and sojust going back and looking at
your story, you had someself-loathing from a very young
age.

Speaker 1 (12:18):
Oh, a hundred percent .

Speaker 2 (12:19):
And where did that stem from?
What specific thing, or wasthere one specific thing?

Speaker 1 (12:25):
Oh, there definitely was a lot of specific things.
So, like I think for me it kindof started where, when I was
little, I always felt like I wasconnected to something
different and then I was kind ofpulled into a Christian school,
a Christian school, and I wasmade to seem like there was

(12:50):
something wrong with me becauseI felt connected to something
different than what everybodyelse around me was telling me
was the way it was.

Speaker 2 (12:56):
Okay when you say you were, you felt connected to
something different.
But how does that?
How did you articulate that asa child?

Speaker 1 (13:04):
As a kid it was weird because I just knew people I
should be around and who Ishouldn't be around.
I had a really high intuitionof like, of emotions like I
could really tune into.
And I still I'm still that way.
Like you know, I cry all thefreaking time Like it's just.
It's just.
I was able to kind of channelinto those things and just trust
my gut when I was little andand then it just has gotten

(13:28):
sharper as I've gotten older.
And when you're a kid, peoplethink you're crazy because they
just call you a weird kid.
That's what they do, is theylabel.
They label things they don'tunderstand, you know.
And so just knowing when I waslittle, that I just felt
different and I knew, I knewwhat I wanted to do and what I
was going to be really, reallyearly in life and, um, when I

(13:49):
would share that with people,people would tell me all the
reasons why it would neverhappen and so, but you knew, I
just I just knew it was like.
You know, when I was like six,my parents bought a VCR.
You know, young, young peopleare going to have to Google that
.
And I loved Saturday morningcartoons.
But I loved the old cartoonslike the Woody Woodpecker and

(14:10):
Tom and Jerry and all the stufflike that.
And so what I would do is setthe timer to record them,
because those came on superearly because by the time we
were kids, like they wereselling us you know a team and
you know Knight Rider and allthe.
They were licensing us stuff.
You know A-Team and you knowKnight Rider and all the.
They were licensing us stufflike selling us licensed toys.
So when they said it early, Iwould just set the timer to

(14:30):
record and I'd go downstairs andI would start the cartoon when
my favorite character would comeon, I would pause this TV and I
would just tape.
You know, because you could dothat back then because the TV
screens were glass.
I'd just tape paper across thescreen and I would trace the
characters.
And I didn't know it then andknow it now.
I was teaching myself how todraw yeah and I'm one of my

(14:51):
parents I don't know who it was.
I'm sure to keep me quietbecause I talked all the time
just made in passing thiscomment of like you know, people
get paid to do that and I'mlike what?
And I make cartoons.
I was like holy cow, holy cow,that's a job.

Speaker 2 (15:04):
That's what I want to do.

Speaker 1 (15:05):
That's what I want to do.
I want to be a storytellerBecause when I was a kid, Sid
Hoff and Shel Silverstein werelike my best friends, and they
didn't even know it, becausethat was the first time I saw
myself reflected in a story.
Because it was like, oh my God,there's this book called by Sid
Hoff, who does Danny theDinosaur and Sammy the Seal, and
it's called Stanley.

(15:25):
It's about a caveman that isliving in a caveman world, but
he's obsessed with painting andbeing creative and he doesn't
want to do all the stuff cavemendo.
And that was me and I was like,oh my god, this, this guy gets
me.
So it was like there's peopleout there that actually
understand me.
And so it was like the more Isaw, the more I leaned into that

(15:45):
.
And then, as you grow up youknow, when you grow up and
things like that it was like I,you know vividly remember
telling my eighth grade guidancecounselor when he said what are
you gonna do with your life?
And I said I'm gonna be astoryteller.
He's like you're never gonnaamount to anything because all
you do is draw all overeverything.
And it was just like, yeah, Iknow, and that's what I did.

(16:07):
I mean, I did not care whereperiods and commas and all that
bullshit went.
All I wanted to do was tellstories.
I spent all my time as anelementary school in the hallway
writing over and over againthat I will not talk in class
because I would get an idea inmy head and I just stand up and
start telling you Like I didn'tcare, like it was just, like
it's, it's there, it's got tocome out.
And so I'm not good withauthority, I'm not good with

(16:28):
people telling me that I can'tdo stuff, you know, and all
those things.
So it's just, it just becamelike the natural path for me and
I don't know if that's whereall this stuff has led to like
it's hard to explain, but yeah,it was just.

Speaker 2 (16:41):
Do you remember Sister for Sale by Shel
Silverstein lane?
But yeah, it was just.
Do you remember sister for saleby shell silverstein?
Oh yeah, sister for sale.
Sister for sale one whiningcrying whatever sister, that
that one, oh, I mean, I thoughthe was like I still have like
his books, but yeah, I totallyget it.
You, it was like you could justlike see yourself in these
little quips and poems and likeit's so, so fantastic.

(17:03):
So okay.
So then you end up you at onetime weighed 400 pounds, which
is wild to me that the photo ofyou on your website where you
have the happiness as a state ofmind and you're, like, looking
anything but happy I mean thatthat tells a story right there.
So it was because you didn'tfeel accepted.
You started to eat yourfeelings.

(17:23):
Next thing you know you're 400pounds.

Speaker 1 (17:24):
Yeah.
So I met my wife.
I was 175 pounds.
Two years later, when shemarried me which I'm still
shocked by I was 400 pounds.
Yeah, and what happened was shehad like we'd done laundry.
We were like you know we werepoor college kids.
So it was like she did laundry,dried, dried my pants, and I
couldn't leave the house becauseI couldn't button them because

(17:45):
the cotton, you know, shrinks alittle and I think she had to go
, we had to go buy to likewalmart and buy like some
sweatpants so I could leave orsomething.
And uh, it was like just wasthe rock bottom moment.
It was like the embarrassing,like what am I?
What have I done to myself?

Speaker 2 (18:01):
so wait, you do that within two years oh yeah so what
was the?
Was there like a specific thing, like because that's a, that's
a pretty?
Taco bell no, not, we'll getwe'll get.
We'll get to the food thing,but like that's a very specific
space and time to all of asudden go from like what?
175, yeah, to 400 pounds.
Was there a specific eventwhere you were like I'm just

(18:22):
going to start eating all thetime like where did you go into
a depression Like I?

Speaker 1 (18:25):
just hated myself, like I just really didn't care
about anything about me, like itwas just like this weird it's
hard to explain where I justdidn't find any value in me.
It was like I kind of lost allhope in like what I was trying
to do, cause it was just like itfelt like as far as life was

(18:47):
going, it felt like no matterhow hard I worked or how hard I
tried, it just was spinning inmud.
And there was only so much thatI could take and when I've had a
lifetime of people telling meall the reasons why I would
never succeed at something, itjust felt easier to just eat my
feelings versus deal withactually do it plus.
I mean too, like guys, my age,you know, 49 we don't talk about

(19:11):
that stuff like it's we weretaught by our parents to
suppress because it's easierlike it's easier to not deal
with your feelings than it is.
You know, and you know love mydad to death, but he definitely
was not good at like teaching mehow to express myself or any of
those types of things.
It was more like you kind ofyou know, you kind of man up, so
to speak.
You know, and it's like and yeahand that's, and you, when you

(19:34):
play sports, especially at thatage, it was like you never
complained.
It was always about you had thetoughest guy.
It was like it was so toxic.
If you ever said anything, itwas just like, yeah, you didn't
have feelings, you just kind oflike yes sir, no sir, whatever,
and just you know, it was alwaysabout how tough, can you be?

Speaker 2 (19:51):
yeah, so you started making a run for the border.

Speaker 1 (19:54):
Oh yeah, taco bell was taco bell's the best seven
layer burritos man, those thingswill just so, was it?

Speaker 2 (20:00):
was it like, really so you had?
Like, what's your wife's name?
Becky, becky, I would love I'm.
I mean, I'm fascinated at theamount of time, the fact that
you are 175 pounds.
Next thing you know, she'slooking at you and you're four.
That is true love, yes, cause Iwould have been like, look,
buddy, you need to either getthe jump rope out and some
weights, like what the fuck?

(20:21):
That's not like 10 pounds, sookay, so how?
Like let's just walk, just formy own sick curiosity.
Like what were you?
Like?
Think about, like, your dailyroutine, like what were you
doing to gain that amount ofweight?

Speaker 1 (20:34):
Yeah, I mean, I actually remember.
I want details.
You want to know what I wouldorder.
Yeah, Like I want to know fromthe best of your ability.
Yeah, what were you doing so?

Speaker 2 (20:41):
from the best of your ability.
What were you doing?
You had to try.

Speaker 1 (20:44):
Oh yeah, I would do so.
I was at the time I was workingrent to own kind of stuff and I
was kind of like the repo guy,yeah.
So I drove the truck and wouldgo take people's stuff if they
didn't pay their rent and so itwas always just sitting on my
butt.
It wasn't doing like activity,you know, and I would go to taco

(21:09):
bell and order like three beanburritos, three soft tacos,
nachos, bel grande mexican pizza, the little churro things, and
then you know the giant soda,because you know sugar wasn't
bad then and uh, and then umtost, and then also the little
nachos too.

Speaker 2 (21:28):
Okay.

Speaker 1 (21:28):
Yeah.
Just to pick up the scraps andyou remember how cheap Taco Bell
was back then.
My total would be like $30 backthen.
So to people nowadays thatdon't remember, Taco Bell used
to be like $0.49 a taco.
It was like nothing and so,yeah, it was just, it was daily
and you know, if it wasn't, tacoBell would be like another fast

(21:50):
food place and so very much Ican identify with when I when
you see some of those likeobsessed TLC shows and stuff
like that of people just kind ofgoing through the drive through
and just getting bags and justjust eating like crazy.

Speaker 2 (22:04):
Yeah, I can, I can relate to that for sure what
else was there during the day,but that was like one sitting
that was one setting, yeah andthen what else would you do?

Speaker 1 (22:10):
like you're, like, oh , I'm hungry for like, just
whatever was around, just youjust keep eating stuff candy
bars, reese cups, like you knowany of that stuff.

Speaker 2 (22:18):
So did becky say anything to you, like let's say
like halfway through, like let'ssay you're getting up to like
250 300?
She's like she never saidanything no, I mean it was.

Speaker 1 (22:27):
There was never like.
I mean there was never like awhat are you doing to yourself,
kind of thing.
I think now definitely would belike.
You know, it's like because,like now it's funny, is that
because I'm on the stairway?
I'm on right now?
I mean, we were talking itright before it Water retention.
I'll be like man, I'm feelingpretty fluffy right now.

(22:49):
You're fit.
She's like well, your face atleast isn't wrinkled.
Right now there's no wrinklesin your face.
That is more like she'sagreeing with me, I think,
whereas back then I was so denseto it that and it happened I
mean, it obviously happened veryquick where, when I was in high

(23:12):
school, I was playing baseballand football and I was always
active and I went from alwaysactive to not and I think
there's this weird thing thathappens where you kind of forget
to look in a mirror and realizethat, like whoa dude, like what
are you doing, you know?
and it's like, and I think thatwas where it kind of forget to
look in a mirror and realizethat like whoa dude, like what
are you doing, you know?
And it's like and I think thatwas where it kind of started,
and it was when the pants driedfor whatever reason and you

(23:32):
can't leave and you hit thatrock bottom.
That's when it was like oh mygod, what did I do?
So then I jumped to the extremeof it.
I joined world gym that wasright over in worthington at the
time.
Those were were like where allof the Arnold guys were working
out and I'm like I'm going tojump into that fire because that
there will be accountability,because I'm intimidated as hell

(23:53):
to go in here because thesedudes are all like just jacked,
massive guys.
And so initially all I did wasI just started going to the gym.
I just show up, I kind of walkin the door and walk right back
out.
It's like let's start the habitof just going.
And then it was like you know,you re, you have to unlearn and
rebuild, right, and that's whatI had to do.

(24:14):
And you know.
So, the same, the same effortthat I took to go to Taco Bell,
I would take to go to the gym.
And then eventually I got braveenough to get on the elliptical
and you know, back then I tooka fedra which that stuff no
longer, but it works, yeah, andI would take that crap.
And then it was like and thenyou get results like quickly.
It was like the biggest loser,I would be dropping so much

(24:36):
weight, the reverse of what Iwas gaining yeah, I was dropped.
I was dropping it equally fast.
But what I did a little trickmentally, what I I did was I
never changed what I wore.
I wore the exact samesweatshirt and sweatpants that I
started at the gym with.
So what ended up happening bythe end?
I mean, this stuff was justhanging on me and it was just

(24:58):
like I refused to buy newclothes because I felt like
that's how I knew every time Iput them on, that I was making
progress.
Yeah, because I wasn't weighingmyself how I knew every time
I'd put them on, that I wasmaking progress.

Speaker 2 (25:04):
Yeah.

Speaker 1 (25:05):
You know, because I wasn't weighing myself, I wasn't
doing all that stuff like that.

Speaker 2 (25:08):
That's interesting yeah.

Speaker 1 (25:10):
Because I wasn't interested in that part of it
for whatever reason.
It wasn't like the goal wasn'tto drop a ton of weight.
It wasn't until, I think, I hit100 pounds on my own and I
plateaued, and that's when Ifinally weighed myself and kind
of looked at you know what wasgoing on.
And then I had a couple of thosedudes that were in Arnold like

(25:33):
come over to me and just say,hey, we've seen you in here all
the time doing all this work,congratulations and for whatever
reason.
Like you know, when I waslittle for sure, I mean because
being a chubby kid and all thatstuff like that, like pro
wrestlers and bodybuilders andall those guys, that was like
they were superheroes.
So when you hear this guy,these guys, come over and say
that stuff to me, it felt like,ok, cool, I'm doing something

(25:54):
right.
And then one of the guys waslike I told him I plateaued and
he offered to do a diet for meand so it was like a six week,
his cutting diet that he does,and I followed that thing
religiously and then I ended uplike for the first time ever my
life, getting like abs, and thatwas like, oh my god like
there's stuff there.

(26:15):
It's like underneath all thatfluff that was there and um, you
know, now it's just like youknow, now the diet's easy
because it's survival, so it'sit's not.
Uh, yeah, yeah, it's so stayingfit.
Now a piece of cake, becauseit's just like you know, now the
diet's easy because it'ssurvival, so it's it's not, uh,
yeah.
Yeah, it's so staying fit.
Now a piece of cake, becauseit's like the alternative is way
, way worse.

Speaker 2 (26:31):
Is your?
Are you super like, justpristine, with what you put in
your body?

Speaker 1 (26:34):
Oh, yeah, yeah, big time.
Basically, I do a carnivoreevery day Everything's pasture
raised, everything's grass fed,everything's.
You know tons of supplements.
You know really.
You know mindfulness, likespend a lot of time making sure
that anything going into my bodyand my brain is all serving the
purpose of survival.

Speaker 2 (26:52):
You say though do you , do you feel like when you were
diagnosed that that's the firsttime you really were able to be
like wait a minute and shedkind of this, I mean hatred for
yourself?
Um, so, in a weird way, thishorrible diagnosis sort of broke
like, helps you to break freeand break through.

Speaker 1 (27:13):
It's so wild well, it's what I think.
What it is is like.
What happens when everything isstripped away is the real.
You gets revealed to yourselfand you get to choose.
I mean I say when I do keynotesall the time, like I wish I
would have paid attention to theawakening when I lost all the
weight, but I ignored itcompletely, 100%, never paid

(27:33):
attention to like what wasactually involved in there,
because the best way I candescribe it is when I was a kid,
probably around like third,fourth grade.
I feel like that's when Icreated two different versions
of myself, in addition to the,the main character right, where
it's like if you think about,like if you're walking down the
road and you have a kid on eachhand, and in my right hand was

(27:56):
the kid that was the noisy kid,he was the one that was like
screaming all the stuff that wasinsecure about right, you're
not good enough, like you'rewhatever.
And then in the left hand waslove.
It was like all the stuff thatI wished that I would have heard
, or wished that I would tellmyself.
And so what I felt likehappened during diagnosis was

(28:17):
Throughout my life I had beenpaying so much attention to the
kid in the right hand that I letgo of the left hand.
And when I was diagnosed I feltcompletely alone, kind of in
the woods with this kid, that Ididn't want to be around anymore
, and I decided to explore andfigure out.

(28:38):
Where in the hell did the otherkid go?
And then all of a sudden it waslike I found these breadcrumbs
and they all led back to thislittle dude, little broken
version of me that was sittingthere like going, like hey, man,
where you been?
I've been looking for you, likeyou ready to live your life now
.
And that's where the rebuildstarted.
That was where it all began,where I started really diving

(28:59):
into writing to that kid,apologizing to that kid,
explaining my situation, where Ifelt like from that perspective
of what it felt like to be thekid that was drowning that whole
situation, and then writing toit, basically explaining myself
like to it.
But what was beautiful aboutthat whole process was, during

(29:19):
that whole time I learned how torediscover myself and then I
started sharing the story withother people and then hearing
that other people felt the sameway, you realize that, like holy
shit, all the stuff that I wasafraid of is the thing that has
set me free.
And and then I try to explainto people.
Now it's like you know, there'sa good chance that everything

(29:41):
that you want in life is hiddenbehind all the stuff you're
afraid to face.
But if you just face it and Ithink, more importantly, like,
ask a better question, that'sthe big one is, like you know,
instead of why is this happeningto me?
Like, what is this version ofme that's trying to come out of
this?
You'd be surprised.
On like what you've, whatyou'll see is everything you've

(30:04):
been looking for.
Like you're searching forsomething that everybody thinks
it's out there, like they're all.
Everybody wants to go on avision quest and go out and find
, you know, go ride the snakeand they want to go drink the
teas and they want to go do it,but it's not out there.
Like you're going to find, evenwhen you go do all that stuff
you didn't go anywhere.
Like it's all inside.
You know, and basically what Idid was I did a trip with myself

(30:27):
where I really sat down and gottough, tough questions.
You know with myself Stuff Ididn't want to talk about, stuff
I didn't want, you know, stuffthat I was like you know, nobody
gives a shit about that.
Like you know, it was at onepoint in time to an extent when
I would go to a school and doschool visits, you know, and
there's there's lots of kidsthere where I would have some

(30:48):
moments with kids, that I wouldbe talking to kids in the
classroom.
And I remember a couple oftimes where I was at a school,
one in particular where thisteacher asked me to come talk to
this young girl and I went intoher room and was talking with
her and she was really intodrawing and what she was

(31:10):
explaining.
The teacher was explaining whatshe does.
That's what I did when I was akid.
So I sat down with her and Iwas like you know, do you draw
to forget?
She's like yeah, I'm like oh, Isaid isn't it cool that you can
make up any world that you want?
And I said do you ever feellike you actually go into your

(31:31):
page, like when you draw?
And she just kind of shook herhead yes.
And then there was like recessand she like hugged me and the
teachers were crying and I'mlike what's the deal?
Recess?
And she like hugged me and theteachers were crying and I'm
like what?
What's the deal she goes.
She hasn't talked to anybody forsix months because her mom just
left one night and like she'sjust stuck with her dad and like
the dad's desperate because hecan't figure out how to connect

(31:52):
with her.
You know all this like that.
And she's like not only did youget her to talk to you, she
actually communicated with you.
That's the first time she'sever done that.
Well, that's wonderful, right?
That's that weird gift that Ifeel like I've always had.
But then that version of mewould get in the car and say
nobody gives a shit.
Like they just tell you thatstuff to make you feel good

(32:13):
about yourself that it was neverallowing myself to have any
wins.
So it was just like it was mucheasier to do that than it was
to accept the fact that like wow, I'm actually good at this
stuff.

Speaker 2 (32:27):
You call that your foe.

Speaker 1 (32:28):
Oh, a hundred percent , yeah, and that's the stuff
that I feel like kind of that'swhat the brain tumor had to do
to eradicate for my life.
And that's where I say thankyour setback.
Like it's like like withoutthat I wouldn't be who I am
today and that's what I'm sograteful for.
Um, and you know, and that'sthe mission now is to to explain

(32:52):
that to everybody else and helpother people wake up to life.
Like it's.
You know, I don't.
I don't necessarily want to be aguru and like I'm, I need to
learn how to teach everybody.
Like this is the stuff I'velearned.
It's not as easy because, truthbe told, it's not easy to do.
It's easy for me to explain,but the real work it's not easy

(33:13):
to do.
You got to really want tochange and I think that was the
part was I don't think I everwanted to change until it was
forced on me, same as the weightstuff, right.
Like it's amazing what you'lldo when nothing is around and
you are trying to figure out howto survive life.
You know, and you have nothingto blame anymore.

(33:33):
Like it's.
Like you know, the doctor toldme that there's no genetic
things that say whether or notyou're going to get a
glioblastoma.
And I remember thinking I, Ihate that comment Because the
first thing, you see, iseverybody always puts that F
cancer on everything right, andI would see that when I was
first diagnosed and I just waslike, no, that is, I will never,

(33:56):
ever, ever wear a shirt thatsays that.
And of course, when I got I goteverybody give me those shirts
and, like you know, hate tospoil everybody's thing I
donated all of them because itwas just like when the doctor
told me that I thought, oh, andI remember going into my
oncologist.
The second one, the first onegot fired immediately, but the

(34:17):
second one, my new one, he'samazing.
And I told him I said you know,I really hate that idea of
fighting cancer.
And he was just like well, whatdo you mean?
I said, well, you told me thatthere's no genetic markers,
which means I made it.
And if I made it I also couldbe the person that makes sure it
doesn't come back.

(34:38):
And I said so.
When you're saying that I oughtto wake up every day and fight
cancer, that means I need towake up every day and fight
myself.
I've been doing that my wholelife.
I said that's all I've done.
I said, instead I'm choosing tolive now.
I've never done that and I'mlike now we'll see what happens.
And that shifted everything.
It was like once I reallybought into that part, because

(35:01):
the addictive part I'm sure Ihave, because once I decide I'm
all in on something, I'm all inon something, there's no kind of
like.
Yeah, let's see, you know, it'slike no once.
Once the vision, kind of youknow, clicks and I, and more
importantly, once my like, thefeeling of it clicks, then it's
like I'm all in, like I can'tunsee it and I just run that way

(35:23):
and just keep going.
So, yeah, I think that's thecore of it.

Speaker 2 (35:29):
Do you believe that your self-loathing and the way
that you sort of manifestedthese internal thoughts that
that's what caused this Stressand inflammation, take a toll on
your body and your wellness?
Relax, restore and rejuvenateat Panacea Luxury Spa Boutique.
Book any service of $100 ormore and enjoy two hours in our

(35:53):
luxury amenities.
Unwind in our Himalayan saltsaunas, recharge in our wet
retreat space with a eucalyptussteam room, hot hydrotherapy
pool and cold plunge, then driftinto deep relaxation with our
hanging loungers.
What's your panacea?
We'll help you find it.
Listen, nobody loves laundryday but thanks to the fluff,

(36:17):
laundry is officially off yourto-do list.
Just schedule your pickup onthe fluff app.
Toss your dirty clothes in anybag you've got and leave it on
your front porch.
The fluff handles the rest.
Returning your laundry freshfolded and in our reusable vinyl
bag in just 24 to 48 hours.
Flat rate pricing means youstuff the bag full and, yes,

(36:38):
pickup and delivery are totallyfree.
In Central Ohio, use promo codeCARRIE for 20% off your first
order.
Ps, ask about our monthlysubscription to keep life simple
and your laundry done.
Who says you need a specialoccasion to feel like a celeb?
I mean, stress is real, life isbusy and your scalp?
Yeah, it deserves some love too.

(36:58):
That's where Headspace by MiaSantiago comes in.
Treat yourself or someone whodeserves it to a luxurious scalp
treatment and a killer blowoutor cut.
Because nothing says maincharacter energy honey like a
fresh style from celebritystylist Mia and her team.
And because we love a good deal, mention the Keri Croft Show
and get 20% off your service orany gift card for somebody in

(37:21):
your life that you love.
Headspace by Mia Santiagobecause great hair days
shouldn't be rare.

Speaker 1 (37:30):
Oh, 100%.
Yeah, Oddly enough, I used tobe working.
Another weird story about thatwould I would be working in my
office.
I have a studio much like thiswhere I used to be working.
Another weird story about thatwould I would be working in my
office.
I had a studio much like thiswhere I would be like working
and stuff, and um, funny thingis I'd never had headaches
before.
And there's another funny thingeven after, I've literally
never had a headache in the fouryears since all of this.

(37:53):
And you would think I would,but I've never had one yet.
Um, which I hope to never get.
And um, but I would be, I wasworking and I would text Becky
and I would say like hey, haveyou ever had a cause?
She gets headaches.
And I'm like you ever had aheadache where it felt like
somebody stuck a screwdriver inyour head and pulled it out real
quick and she's like well, notreally, but maybe like a quick

(38:16):
little tension headache orsomething like that, and I was
like, oh Well, what I didn'ttell her or anybody else was I
would obsess for like hourswhile I was working of like holy
shit, there's a tumor growingthere.
And that's exactly where thetumor was, was in that spot and
I would just obsess over it,like, and it was just like and
you know, if I'm somebody that Ithink about, I bring about

(38:37):
right and that's definitelywhere I buy into like I think
there is, there is a plausibleanswer that, like I, probably I
could have, becky and I have atheory of.
There's two things that couldhave happened is like one when I
started healing myself, Istarted shrinking the tumor and
then the seizure and all thatstuff, like that was what needed
to happen in order for it toget out of me.

(38:58):
Or like I created it the wholetime.
Like it's the only other thing Icould think of, because I, you
know, I believe that stuff istrue.
For sure.

Speaker 2 (39:06):
Yeah, let's talk about this doctor yeah so he was
fired, or why do I always thinkit's a he?

Speaker 1 (39:11):
it was a she she?

Speaker 2 (39:12):
yes, see, I was wrong yeah so she was fired by me me,
oh, by you.

Speaker 1 (39:17):
By me.
No, no, no, not by you.

Speaker 2 (39:19):
Okay, I was going to say, because I feel like there's
a balance of like being honestabout a prognosis but also
delivering it.
In a way, I just I mean, Ican't imagine having to deliver
that message, so I'm going tosay that and give that person
some grace.
But, man, is there someschooling?
Is there something we can addto the like?

(39:39):
The bedside manner?
Tell me about that.

Speaker 1 (39:43):
Well.
So it was weird because youknow, I don't know if it's
everybody's case, but like withat least with mine, like I had,
I had the surgery, and then itwas like six weeks later before
I still didn't know what it was,and so you kind of go on back
between like well, technicallyit's cut out, so I don't have
whatever it was, and you'retrying not to think that it was

(40:06):
cancer.
And before I went to theoncologist it was like and then,
on top of I should add to that,the insurance company denied
all my coverage, so like it wasnot only going through surgery,
five minutes before I went intosurgery the doctor came in and
said hey, just want to let youknow your insurance company's

(40:27):
denying it, but we're doing itanyway because we're confident
we can get it all and we'll dealwith it later.

Speaker 2 (40:32):
I'm like okay great.

Speaker 1 (40:33):
I'm high as a kite on all this stuff anyway.
So I didn't even know what washappening.
So I'm like awesome, like let'sdo it.
And um, so six weeks later Ifinally get into um this
oncologist, and luckily I had myfirst appointment with my
radiation oncologist first andhe was awesome.

(40:54):
And so you kind of think, okay,this is going to be great.
And he was awesome.
And so you kind of think, okay,this is going to be great.
Then I go down to theneuro-oncologist and it was like
they, they got the test resultsin front of me rather than
doing the million things theycould have done.
Hey, I need to step out for asecond, I need to whatever.
They started reading it infront of me and she goes boy,

(41:16):
this is bad.
They started reading it infront of me and she goes boy,
this is bad.
And I go okay.
Now, mind you, I don't evenknow what the hell this is.
She goes well, it's stage fouror grade four, sorry, and glial
by stone as they go by grades.
It was grade four and I said, oh, okay, and I'm I tip typically
use lean towards levity to kindof make it better.
I was like, oh, rocky IV is thebest Rocky movie and she's like

(41:38):
Sylvester Stallone's a horribleactor, and I'm like Jesus, okay
.
And then it was like then therewas a couple other things that
was said and I said but you know, I said here's the thing though
I'm like you're using statsfrom the beginning of time, like
that doesn't mean anything tome, like because to me I'm me,
like I'm not any of those thingsthat are on, all of those

(42:01):
things that you're puttingtogether.
And then she just jumpsstraight to like I don't think
you understand, you're going tobe dead in seven months, and
then looks at Becky and says andyou're going to have to figure
out what your limit is, becauseeventually he'll end up like
kind of pooping and peeing onhimself and all that stuff like
that, and you're going to haveto understand how much you want
to put up with.

Speaker 2 (42:20):
Did Becky say I watched this man gain?
I'm still back on.
Hey, forget about the cancer.
I'm still back on the weightgauge.
She's like honey, I can doanything.

Speaker 1 (42:29):
What the fuck?
Yeah, so then she finallyrealizes that she shook me a
little bit right, and she kindof put her hand on my knee and
said, like, do you need me tostep out?
And I, and I said I said areyou going to come back?
A different fucking person?
And she goes well, I'm tryingto be thorough.
I said no.
I said you are an asshole.
I said so you just need to dumpit.
I said here's the beauty part ofit.
I said I have really strongshoulders so you clearly have

(42:52):
had a crappy day.
I said so you can dump all yourproblems on me.
I said because I will never seeyou again, and like, so if you
feel the need, dump it, leave itand go.
And and then it was just like,kept sick, sorry, excuse me,
kept saying like I want, youknow I'm no, I'm trying to be,
I'm like, no, no, no, like, youdon't have to keep digging.

(43:13):
Like, I'm, like, I'm, I mean it, like, we're done, like, but I,
you know, and you know thebeauty of it is is that she's
gonna have to review the MRIstoo, and so I knew that I was
going to be okay, like, and it'slike, so you kind of go all
right.
Well, like you'll see and um.
But I mean it didn't change thefact that every time I went

(43:34):
into an appointment I was alwaysafraid that I would run, you
know, cross paths or whatever.

Speaker 2 (43:38):
But I guess, though I know we're all human and I know
that some doctors I mean somedoctors are just doing their
doctoring thing they don't have.
They're so smart on one endwhich you want that Right they
just don't have the capacity,but that is just a lack of
humanity.
Yes, I want to punch thisperson, you might.

(44:01):
I'm seriously like a dark alleytype shit yeah, I'll tell you.

Speaker 1 (44:04):
So let me put a good, a good spin on it now too.
So, so, as you can imagine,during the whole thing she says
to me she's trying to go throughall the stuff and then she goes
well, there's this thing calledoptune, which is the device I
wear, and she goes, but Iwouldn't wear this thing called
Optune, which is the device Iwear, and she goes, but I
wouldn't wear it because youhave to shave your head.
And I said, why would I carewhat you're going to do?

(44:24):
I'm like, and besides, I'malready bald.
So, like steps solved, you know, and so finally ended up
leaving, and then so I don'tsleep, you know, this whole time
, and then on top of the factthat, like my two boys, like
one's off to college and one'sin the house, so I can't tell
them separate from each other,and the younger of the two of

(44:45):
them, he and I, are close, soit's like we're I'm seeing him,
and it was like I had never, I'mpretty sure growing up.
Depression was normal, like I.
Just it was like kind of homebase, but I didn't know what
anxiety was, definitely didn'tknow what panic attacks were,
and so every time I'd see him.
I'd be like Becky, we got towalk and we would just walk.

(45:08):
I don't know how many miles weprobably walked that first week,
but the first like four days Ididn't sleep.
And then the radiationoncologist I told you about that
was awesome.
By Thursday I hadn't slept stilland I just called and talked to
his fellow and explained that Iwanted a second opinion.
And he called me back andexplained to me all the reasons
why that was stupid.
And I agreed and I said that'snot really why I was calling.

(45:29):
I was kind of I felt like Ineed to tell you a little bit
about what was said after ourmeeting and he was like you've
got to be kidding me.
And I was like no, and so we'redoing what I think most people
do is try to escape.
So that weekend we went to allthese different friends' houses

(45:51):
and on Sunday we were at myfriend's house he and his wife
and Becky and I and trying toescape the whole thing and my
phone's ringing.
I look down, it's Ohio StateMedical Center.
And I was like oh damn, they'renot calling with good news on
Sunday.
And I answer it and it was myradiation oncologist and he said
do you have a minute.
I was like sure.

(46:12):
And he said first thing I needto do is I need you to breathe.
And he said first thing I needto do is I need you to breathe,
because I don't believe it.
And this amazing human spent anhour and a half on the phone
with me, explaining to me why hebecame a doctor, why he felt my
case was different, and told methat he thought that I was

(46:32):
going to be okay.
And here I am on a bike path atBuckeye Lake I'm sure they're
Becky and my friends arewatching, thinking I'm having a
breakdown because I'm literallyon my knees sobbing, and I told
him I was like I don't know whyyou called me today, but I said
you saved my life.
I was like I will be the bestpatient you have ever seen and
it was like that's where allthis stuff came from.

(46:54):
It was just like if I can goand be a light for somebody else
in this worst shit that I havegone through, then this is going
to save me.
And I have good people aroundme now and I am allowed to be me
finally around good people, andit's like that little moment of
humanity and empathy that heshowed me it let go.

(47:18):
So in a weird way, the shittydoctor, she did me a huge favor
because that whole week, all ofthe trauma I had held in my
whole life, was choking me.
I mean, it was literally aroundmy throat.
His phone call released it.
I felt it leave me, and it wasjust like you know, it was like
when they talk about when you'regoing through trauma and it
feels like something reaches inyou and rips it out.

(47:40):
That's what.
That's what it felt like, wasjust this like you know, and
it's like one of I can tell you.
I mean, if you want to go intothe weird, unexplainable stories
that I've been through, thatproved to me that I'm going to
be okay, I'm happy to go therewith.
You'll probably start crying ona couple of them, but they're
good, that's always my goal.

Speaker 2 (48:00):
You just gave me a softball let's go go deep.

Speaker 1 (48:05):
I have always had an affinity for the Foo Fighters
song Walk and it's always beenkind of like my lifeline.
Anytime shit's falling apart ifI listen to that song and the
line where he talks about Inever want to die like that.
That hook and it's really like,was always been my lifeline.
So the last day of treatment,you know, I've I've had friends.

(48:26):
I mean, that's the part it'slike radiation six, it's six
weeks, every single day.
So you had different friendstaking me and all this stuff
like that.
And then the last day becky'sgonna take me and so we get.
We get there and and she's nota huge foo fighter fan as I am,
but I go get the mail and I getback in the car and she had put
it on like the apple foofighters radio or whatever.

(48:47):
And um, I was like, oh, that'sreally cool.
And then when we got to thejames and we pulled in, she goes
to take the ticket and asliterally as soon as she takes
the ticket out, it switches towalk.
And I go, holy shit, did you dothat?
She's like why would I do thatto you?
And I'm like I don't know and Iwas like we have to hurry up

(49:07):
and get out of the car.
And then this was during COVIDwas when I was going through all
my stuff and you would just goand get a mask and go get
radiation, like, but forwhatever reason that day there
was like a little mini symphonyin the lobby.
Well, like, my son playsbassoon at ohio state, so it's

(49:27):
like he he's in a symphony.
So it was kind of like at thetime it was like this is, this
is kind of trippy.
And and then there was a couplenurses that had found me on
instagram, that had a couplecards and they realized it was
my last day of treatment andthey gave me like some cards,
right.
So it was just like these weirdlittle things kind of lined up.
And then um, becky, um, thatnext week said we're gonna go on

(49:53):
a trip, just pack bag.
And she's not a huge surpriseperson, so it was kind of weird.
And then she like so we go packbags.
She's like just get in the car,we're going to drive, and we're
driving.
Because that's the unfortunatepart about having seizures you
can't drive for six months.
So I have no choice.

(50:14):
I got to get in the car and Igot to go wherever people take
me.
You know, it's like that's whatI'm doing right now.
It's like my, my rides are allasking my 18 year old now hey,
can you give me a ride to thestore?
And so we're, we're driving andI still don't have a clue where
we're going.
And then we get off at the exitfor Asheville, north Carolina,
and I was like, oh, wow, cool,like we're going to go to

(50:35):
Asheville.
She's like, yeah, and we hadtalked about going there, you
know driving to Florida andstuff like that with over the
years, with the boys and stuff,and just never had went.
And what we did not know aboutAsheville is that it's like a
brewery per person.
Like we didn't know it was justa beer town and so, like I'm

(50:58):
not drinking, so becky out ofyou know, just solidarities is
not drinking either, and sothere's nothing to do.
And we were sitting there goinglike, well, we could just go
sit in a bar and get some water.
He's like what fun is that?
Like just to sit and watchpeople have beers.
But uh, so we ended up.
She's like there's arbrium.
I don't know if I'm saying thatcorrect or not, but like, is it
arbrium?

(51:18):
I think it is yeah, I don't.

Speaker 2 (51:19):
You're asking the wrong.

Speaker 1 (51:22):
We know what you mean okay, so the guy that uh did
the biltmore, all thelandscaping right, and she's
like, well, that's open to likeeight.
Do you want to go to do that?
Like sure, so we go do that,pay our toll to get in there,
and then uh, park and there'slike a handful of cars in a
parking lot and so we go throughit and it's, I think, around
that time was October, november,yeah, so it's getting dark

(51:44):
earlier and we're in a mountain,so it gets a little colder,
right.
So by the time we're walkingthrough there, we both noticed
that there's nobody working inthis place and it was just
really, really weird.
It was like there's, there'snobody, nobody working, and by
the time we get to the back ofit it's pitch black, like I'm
talking, like you can't even seeyour hand in front of your face

(52:06):
.
And when we like looked around,there was like one strand of
christmas lights and I'm likemaybe that's the way out.
So we walk over that way andthere's like that classic like
three, like you know, column ofhigh trees with the you know,
the sidewalk down the middle ofthem, and so we're walking down
the far right when we get abouthalfway and all of a sudden this

(52:29):
voice goes isn't it a wonderfulnight?
And I like kind of turn andlook at becky and she looks at
me and I'm like what?
What was that, I don't know.
So we get to the end and thislike little lady comes out of
nowhere and it's moonlight, likeso she's got this kind of wild
hair, like kind of like curlyhair all over, and she goes.

(52:52):
She goes isn't it an awesomenight?
And I'm like yeah, it's alittle cold.
And she's like I'm just outhere grounding and I go huh.
And then she goes into thiswhole thing about brain
radiation and she's talking tome about brain radiation and all

(53:13):
that stuff like that.
And in mid story she goes Ishould probably stop and tell
you that I'm going to be okayand I you know I'm getting
goosebumps now retelling it, butlike it's, you know, you sit
there and go like holy shit,like what is this, you know?
And?
And so she's keeps talking.
And then she gets a littlenutty with some of the stuff she

(53:35):
says and I said it's reallyweird that you talked about
brain radiation.
I said I just finished lastweek and she just goes oh, then
you know what I'm talking about.
And she turns and skips offinto the woods and I'm like, so
we're walking out and I said,look at Becky, I go.
Did that really happen?
Like if you were alone you'dquestion your sanity.

(53:56):
I would have thought I was nuts,like yeah, it would have
definitely been like no way.
But she was with me and I justasked her last week.
I was like that really didhappen, right.
I don't want to like go on apodcast and talk about this
stuff and it was bullshit, shegoes.
No, it definitely happened.
So you would think that whenyou would get because Because
we're way away from people,right that there'd be at least
another car in the parking lot,but when we got to the parking

(54:19):
lot, it was just our car.
That was it.
So this person or thing orwhatever just disappeared, right
.
And so it's like one of thosethings where I've had so many of
those unexplainable thingshappen that not going all in on
sharing this story would bewrong on so many levels.

Speaker 2 (54:40):
Yeah.

Speaker 1 (54:41):
Because it's like, I mean, I feel like in a weird way
, that there was, there's areason why I'm still here, that
I'm uncovering.
Still, you know, like what itis and you know, and I think
that there's definitelysomething at play.
You know, it feels like it atleast, and you know, but yeah, I
, I think that I don't know.
It's just.
I think people have that happento them all the time in their

(55:04):
life, but we ignore it.
I definitely know that that waswhat I ignored.
All my whole life was is havingthose moments where I would
have that idea, not some personshow up tell me what I was doing
, but it would happen in my headof like just this intuition of
like this is what you'resupposed to be doing, yeah, but
when I was little it was, it wasa bad thing, you know.

Speaker 2 (55:26):
So now it's just like well, no, it's not a bad thing,
now it's this is likeconfirmation, kind of thing well
, you're saying cancer ishappening through you yeah, not
to you, and that when I readthat I was like holy shit yeah
that's just that, that onelittle tweak yeah of one tiny
word yeah means so much.

Speaker 1 (55:45):
It's happening through you yeah, I mean it's,
it's revealing stuff to you.
It's you know.
It's like if you took out apiece of paper and you wrote
down everything that everhappened to you in your life
every flaw, every you knowbullshit story you've told
yourself about yourself, everywhatever.
You wrote it all down and youreally had that full list in

(56:07):
front of you and people could dothis right.
And you looked at that andrealized that you survived all
of that.
And you're going to tell methat you can't do hard stuff
Like it doesn't make sense.
So when hard stuff happens,realize it's not happening to
you, it's happening through you.
It's part of who you are, it'sjust part of your story and we

(56:30):
all have.
Probably one of the shittiestthings about being human is good
and bad days are completelynormal.
We all want good days, but baddays are just as normal as good
days and the more that we canunderstand that, like just
because you have bad daysdoesn't make you a bad person or
a terrible person, or justbecause you make mistakes

(56:51):
doesn't mean you are a mistake,you know.
It just means that you're humanand you just need to be
graceful for yourself andrealize that, like you're not
doing anything wrong, likeeverybody is navigating this
thing that we don't know whatthe hell the end of it is.

Speaker 2 (57:08):
So let's talk about, like, the reality of the
situation now.
So you were diagnosed in 2021,according to this bee that I'm
going you know, I'm going totake her down.
According to her, you're deadin seven months.
It is now how many years I meanyou I'm over four now so that
is insane it's insane, yeah thetumor is completely gone yep,

(57:28):
well the spot.

Speaker 1 (57:29):
So I've had.
So I had a small reoccurrencein october so I had a lit
procedure.
It just basically the exactsame tumor, just moved a little
bit forward.
So I had another procedure andI've been dealing with like
inflammation from that since,and so for people that don't
know, like a lip procedure isbasically like kind of like a

(57:51):
biopsy, but a little different,where they go and actually put a
laser in my head and cook itfrom the inside out.
Essentially is what they did.
And then I had radiation afterthat and so from the radiation
you get inflammation, so edemia,it's like fluid on the brain
basically, um, and so youcontrol it through like steroids
.
So that's what we've been tryingto do is get it down so that

(58:12):
way I can go to unc for a CAR Ttherapy trial.
So we've been trying to get itdown and every time we get it
down it kind of spikes back up,so it's like it's right.
Like today I have another MRIat 3 o'clock, so you know it's
always a full time job.
It's a full time job.
Yeah, I mean, it is a.

(58:33):
You know, survival of this isnot something to take light.
I mean it's not.
You know, I get a lot ofmessages from people, as you
could probably imagine, of youknow, what do you do?
And I'm like, well, like Idon't know, and I have things
like do you eat sugar?
Do you drink, do you, you know?
And I'm like, yeah, and I'mlike, can you get rid of all

(58:54):
that?
And they're like can you getrid of all that?
And they're like probably not.
And I'm like I don't know whatto tell you because those are
all the things that are feedingthis thing.
So you've got to figure it out.
Like what's more important, youknow, and I think that that's
the unfortunately, like it's oneof those things where, you know
, with this diagnosis, you see aside of People like I really

(59:19):
why I don't take it for grantedis because there are plenty of
people that have had thisdiagnosis that are walking with
canes.
They're, you know, they arehaving trouble like functioning.
I don't have any of those issues, I mean you know, I still go to
the gym and I still heave heavyweight and I still do all the
stuff that I did before.
Now I don't know if that wasjust sheer, like I'm not letting

(59:43):
this thing define me and I'mgoing to push through it, kind
of stuff, or if it really was.
You know where I'm at, whereyou know the.
The beauty is where the tumorwas and it's not near like any
motor skill stuff, so it's kindof in a safe zone, so to speak.
Even the new spot is kind of ina safe zone, so to speak.
Even the new spot is kind of ina safe zone.

(01:00:03):
The only part that sucks aboutit is the inflammation is
sitting on where your emotionalcenter is for your brain and
executive function.
So like I really likeirrational thoughts, like all
that crap.
So it was the first time whereI had like panic attack again.
You know, since this like itwas, like you know since the

(01:00:24):
first doc like this was thefirst time that I had dealt with
that.
And you know when.
You know I was told sevenmonths.
This happened when my youngestkid was in eighth grade.
So you know graduation was, waslike the goal.
I'm going to see him graduate.
That was like you know and onpaper, everywhere you look,
there's nobody saying thatthat's going to see him graduate
.
That was like you know.
And on paper, everywhere youlook, there's nobody saying that
that's going to happen.

(01:00:44):
And so funny enough was he justgraduated.
It wasn't may or whatever.
And um, literally a week beforeto the day, I was at the gym
and I all of a sudden startedseeing um, oris, and that's the
sign of a seizure, and like, andI didn't know it because I

(01:01:07):
never had any side effects yet,and so, um, I ended up having a
seizure at the gym, not the same, but more.
I have a focal was what theywould call it like, where it
kind of like if you rememberthose like little kaleidoscopes
you look through as a kid itlooks like dancing snakes, so
like, if you know, it's likeeverything's sparkly and
glittery.
That's when I know stuff'sabout to go sideways.

(01:01:28):
And and I had that like a weekbefore and it was amazing, after
all of this mental trainingI've been doing for four years,
I literally went straight to allI have to do is live till
Friday because he graduatesFriday.
And then I thought, literallythought I was going to die

(01:01:49):
Friday night and ruin everythingfrom him, and it was like, then
I had to deal with that shit.
And then it was like and soyou're.
It is a constant like, just whenyou think you own it, it
reminds you kind of thing.
And I think it's a greatanalogy for our lives.
It's like we just don't realizeit.
Like, just when you think youown stuff, it'll.

(01:02:10):
You know.
I always say that what it feelslike is like.
If you can imagine like you'resitting and staring forward and
you see these creepy hands kindof sneak up behind you and they
just kind of come in yourperipheral and they cover your
eyes and they just kind ofwhisper guess who that's?
Fear, that's all it is.
Our lives are made up of loveand fear.
Period, end of story.
And that's what fear does to us.

(01:02:31):
Is it it the trauma or whateverit is will sneak up behind us
and it'll cover our eyes andjust remind us.
But if we realize that all ofthis, the shit we've been
through, prepares us for thatmoment.
And it was like you know, and Ihad a really good friend of
mine, we were walking throughthe grocery store and he just he

(01:02:51):
made this comment to me he'slike, he's like, dude, get over
yourself.
And I was kind of like what?
And he goes, he was friday's aperiod for him.
It's just a comma for you.
You have to keep writing.
And it's like, and all of asudden it just clicked.
It was like, oh okay, I get you.

Speaker 2 (01:03:05):
But you put so much mental.
That was like your you know,it's like.
I mean I can, only I haveirrational fears all the time.
I can't imagine the irrationalfears that you have.
Oh, yeah, it's insane.
Yeah, let's go have peoplereaching out to you who have
been diagnosed with variousforms of cancer or whatever and
you say to them, could you giveup alcohol or sugar?

(01:03:26):
And they're just still like Idon't know if I can like.
Isn't that insane?
The grip oh the.

Speaker 1 (01:03:31):
I think the thing that is the craziest part to me
was going into radiation andyou're going, I'm going, walking
into the james and the amountof people smoking oh, oh, right
Just all down through.
I mean everybody's smoking.

Speaker 2 (01:03:45):
I'm like really.

Speaker 1 (01:03:48):
You're outside the cancer hospital.
It's been proven Cigarettescause cancer.
But people just puffing awaylike crazy and the vape pens and
all that stuff like that, andyou're like the vape pens and
all that stuff like that andyou're like you're, it's like
this, it's wild, like do theysay that cancer and like so
sugar in general for any kind ofcancer?

(01:04:09):
That's what they say.
You know, I don't I don'treally know too much about other
ones Like I just really kind ofthere's there's lots of doctors
out there that do research on.
The unfortunate part of it isthat there's not a lot of
research on our diet, how itaffects it.
But there are some doctors outthere for GBMs which is what I
had that do research on all ofthose things.

(01:04:32):
In particular, gbms, they kindof feed off of glucose and
glutamine.
Those are the two big things.
So I can suppress glucose bynot, you know, eating.
You know, like if I, if I, wereto take some sort of glucose
suppressant, it might cause harmto the rest of my body.
So, like I can't really do that,Um, but I can eliminate sugars,

(01:04:55):
you know, and that's that's whyI don't, you know, I would love
, I mean, I would love to slaysome Taco Bell.
Well, my next question is goingto be like, do you?

Speaker 2 (01:05:04):
still, you're like God damn it.

Speaker 1 (01:05:06):
I really would love to have like a like I still, I
will have those moments whereI'm like we'll go out to dinner
and I'm like, okay, I'm just onebite, it's not going to kill me
.
You kind of like you get to thepoint where you go like man,
you have to enjoy life.
I still have to enjoy life.
I can't just like always, youknow.
But there's so many goodalternatives now.
Like that I wish were aroundwhen I was 400 pounds.

(01:05:28):
like Rebel Ice Cream, like Idon't know who invented that
stuff, but that stuff is likeglorious because it is ice cream
you know, but yeah, no, I thinkthat you know if people would
understand that, like the stuffwe put in your body it's feeding

(01:05:48):
your body and if you do havesomething like cancer in there,
you're feeding that too.
Like it's not like all of asudden, like it just vanishes.
You know, it's like you got tokind of take care of all your
stuff, like you know whetherit's just like.
You know whether or not you'regoing to go to the gym or you're
going to work on therapy oryou're going to do whatever.
Understand all of it affectsthe whole Like, and I think that

(01:06:13):
you know something as simple aslike just a walk.
You know like it's.
You know writing letters toyourself, like the stuff that
you actually get out of thatit's, it's so healing and it'll
set you free, like literally setyou free.
And I think that's the thingthat, if I were to sum up a lot
of what I think a majority ofthe messages are that I get it's

(01:06:38):
from people that feel stuck,like how did you unstuck
yourself?
It's from people that feel stuck, Like how did you unstuck
yourself?
And I'm like, well, you know,like I took everything that I
felt and I flipped it on itshead.

Speaker 2 (01:06:48):
Yeah.

Speaker 1 (01:06:49):
And it's like you know, in a weird way you like
you do have to thank all of thatstuff.
Like the thing about this tumorthat took a while to understand
was how I can hate this thingso much but I can be so grateful

(01:07:09):
for it at the exact same time,because without it, I'm telling
you like you wouldn't be likewhy am I talking to this guy
right now?
But because of it I can totallyfeel the vibe going back and
forth between us.
Yep, that's feeling.
That's what I've always felt mywhole life, but I thought it
was wrong.
I don't feel that anymore andthat's what connects people now.

(01:07:30):
Like that's what brings peopleinto your orbit.
And the funniest damn thing isthat what I would tell your
people listening is that, like,everything that you're judging
yourself on is exactly whatsomebody else that's stuck needs
to get through their shit.
And instead of you thinkingit's a bad thing, be brave
enough to share it with yourneighbor or tell somebody hey,
this is what I'm struggling with.
Like, do you have anything thatcould help me with it?

(01:07:51):
Have you ever dealt with that?
Like those little things, likethat even the person in the
grocery line in front of youlike you could make some little
off comment about.
Like, like their shoes.
Tell them, for Christ's sake,spread joy and let people know
that they're like.
You know, we were leaving inKroger last night and there was
a girl in front and I had neverseen somebody do this before.

(01:08:12):
She was like probably like 17.
She went out of her way to tellthe girl next to her that she
was pretty and that girl gotthis huge grin on her face.
Now I will say this girl hadsome funky pants on, so she was
owning her quirkiness, and Ilooked at her and, go like man,
that's inspiring.
Like to be able to do that andnot worry about, because think

(01:08:37):
about most people would be likeGod I don't want her to think
I'm thinking weird, like youknow, whatever, whatever.
She just was like you're reallypretty and this girl it just
made her day.
You could see it and you couldfeel it.
And I think that if peopleleaned into that stuff we would
the world would be differentright now you know, um, so I
love it.

Speaker 2 (01:08:53):
I need one of those hats.

Speaker 1 (01:08:54):
Yeah, yeah, this is my logo.
Yeah, I love it.

Speaker 2 (01:08:57):
It's really great.

Speaker 1 (01:08:59):
Awesome, thank you, you have filled my cup.
And then some.
No, seriously, I mean, this isfascinating, this is awesome.
This has been a blast and Ireally appreciate you.
I could do this stuff all daylong, you can come back.

Speaker 2 (01:09:08):
Yeah, if you're still out there following your girl,
follow me on YouTube, spotify,apple or wherever you get your
podcasts.
And until next time, go followJason.
I'm gonna kick that one.