I’ve known Amber for a long time. She was an OG at SOS and back then I could sense something was off, but I didn’t know the full story. I didn’t know she was quietly fighting a battle with food, control, and over-exercise that was stealing so much more than just her energy—it was stealing her presence. Her joy. Her health. Her period.
It wasn’t until we recorded the Infertility Series that I learned the whole story—and damn, it hit me hard.
In this episode, Amber gets brutally honest about what it’s like to live inside the mental spiral of orthorexia and exercise addiction. We talk about how that level of control shows up in everyday life, how it impacts relationships, and what it takes to finally break free. Because this isn’t just about food or fitness. This is about being so consumed by the need to control, that you miss out on life itself.
She talks about:
- Losing her period for years—and why that was the wake-up call
- Hiding disordered habits behind “health”
- Why presence is the real flex
- The little moments that helped her start healing
- What it looks like to work out and eat because you love yourself, not because you hate your body
If you're listening and your stomach is turning a little, or you're recognizing something in yourself or someone you love—listen all the way through. Amber’s story is powerful, but more importantly, it’s proof that healing is possible.
You don’t have to stay stuck. There’s a way out. The door is open.
📩 DM me anytime @kericroftshow
📩 Or reach out to Amber—she’s a safe, judgment-free, badass resource
📩 And PLEASE share this with someone who needs it
You never know who needs to hear it today.
—
Mentioned in this episode:
- Boss Gal Beauty Bar
- Donaldson Plastic Surgery
- Panacea Luxury Spa Boutique
- The Fluff Laundry Service
- Headspace by Mia Santiago
—
Follow along:
Instagram: @kericroftshow
YouTube: The Keri Croft Show
Website: https://www.kericroft.com
#TheKeriCroftShow #OrthorexiaRecovery #BodyImageHealing #MentalHealthAwareness #DisorderedEating #StrongNotObsessed #PresenceOverPerfection #RealTalk
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 2 (00:03):
Hey there you beautiful badass.
Welcome to the Keri Croft Show.
I'm your host, keri Croft,delivering you stories that get
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That's better, okay, all right,amber my girl.
Hello, welcome back.
You know that's better.
Okay, all right, amber my girl,hello, welcome back.
Speaker 3 (01:28):
You know, you were just here in april, now it's may
.
I couldn't get enough of you.
I know I couldn't get enough ofyou.
I was like I have to reel her.
Speaker 2 (01:30):
I gotta put my pole back in the water and reel this
fish back in.
So glad you did.
You know so.
You and I were sitting down forthe infertility series yes, and
you were a you're a long timesos-er, so I've known you for a
very long time.
You're very near and dear to myheart, and you threw me for a
loop there for a minute duringthe infertility thing because
you started going into yourstory and your journey with food
(01:52):
and exercise and I was like, ohwow, like there's a lot to
unpack here.
Yeah, so my brain got tothinking like we need to hear
more about your story outside ofthe infertility journey,
because I know that a lot ofpeople go through this.
Yes, a lot.
Speaker 3 (02:08):
A lot of people and I think I knew a lot of people go
through it.
But after the infertilityseries aired, I heard from more
people than I imagined I wouldhear from, not only from
themselves but people they knewwhether it was the infertility,
but then so many people as wellthat struggle with those.
That situation that I did withover-exercising and you know,
(02:35):
controlling food and just tryingto control aspects of your life
.
Speaker 2 (02:38):
What would you diagnose?
Do you have a specificdiagnosis, like was it exercise?
What do they call exerciseaddiction?
Speaker 3 (02:44):
There's a name for it , so I was diagnosed with
amenorrhea and then that's justthe loss of period.
I knew from myself it wasorthorexia, overexercising,
controlling the things I wasputting into my body.
That never came out as anofficial diagnosis.
However, I know that's what myproblem was, I know that's what
(03:06):
I had and I knew that that'swhat my battle was in terms of
healing and, um, what I neededto overcome what about the food?
Speaker 2 (03:15):
were you anorexic?
Were you bulimic?
Were you just very?
Speaker 3 (03:19):
like I was very restrictive, I was just I would
control.
I would just control as peoplelike I only want to eat healthy
things, I only want to be likeprotein and vegetables and like
carbs that are, you know, onlysweet potatoes, like stupid,
stupid things.
But that I say stupid, but inthe, in the sense it's not right
(03:42):
.
It was just controlling thecaloric intake, right getting to
the point where I knew like,okay, this is where I feel good
and I'm full, and then I'm done,and then I won't eat this any
anything else let's talk aboutthat.
Speaker 2 (03:56):
Yeah, I mean, I have a fascination with this too,
because we all have our foodthings we all do.
You know I've had my own andstill watch certain things.
But when you are so in controlof your food, but you're still
human, like I know you havecravings, I know you want to eat
(04:17):
that pizza.
Or when you're socially out andpeople have nachos at the table
, like it has to bug you.
Did you play games withyourself?
Did you give yourself I canhave two chips?
Yep, I can have a day Like canyou walk through what that path?
And then I want to walk throughwhat it is to like how it's
changed.
Speaker 3 (04:33):
So at that time everything had to be very
planned.
So if I knew I had somethingcoming up, if I knew I had a
happy hour for work, we had aparty to go to, I would plan
around that.
And that was the part that wasreally difficult, because that's
what I would try to.
There was shame, there was alot of shame for me around that
(04:56):
Like, am I really doing this?
Am I really going to plan this?
But at the end of the day Iwould.
That's how I would get throughit.
And I'd be like okay, I'm goingto have a really light breakfast
and a really light lunch, andthat way A I want to enjoy
myself.
Was I really?
No, because I had other thingson my mind, but I didn't want
anyone else around me to thinkanything was wrong.
And so then I would like okay,be restrictive during the day,
(05:20):
so that I was not.
I could appear as if I was fineat night and indulge and be
okay with it.
But then the next morning Iwould feel terrible and I'd be
like I'll skip breakfast.
Speaker 2 (05:31):
When you say indulge though like my idea of indulging
and yours might be a little bitdifferent.
So like I'm going to give youan example If I go out to a
happy hour and there's like 12wings sitting there and some
nachos, I'm going to have myshare of that.
Like I'll probably have likefour wings and like a third of
the nachos.
Speaker 3 (05:50):
Yeah, so my, I would have a little bit of of, a
little bit of whatever wasaround typically in that
situation.
Let's say, I'd probably goafter some wings a little bit
more for, yeah, protein and um,but also for me, like the, the
alcohol, like I'd be like, oh,there's just, there's a lot of
(06:12):
calories in that.
It's a lot of.
You know, I just need to, Ineed to watch.
And then the other thing for mewas pizza, love pizza.
So I'd be like, well, I'm gonnahave a piece, but then that's
all I'm gonna have and twodrinks, and then I need to be
done.
But then the other piece ofthat too was I mean, you would
be smashed after two drinks whenyou're like you have nothing.
Speaker 2 (06:34):
So I guess let's get down to the.
You know, the part of this thatI think is truly sad and really
important to bring up is areyou ever really present?
You know, are you ever reallyin a moment where you're
enjoying your life and you'reenjoying like locking eyes with
someone, because your voice andyour head is constantly consumed
(06:57):
with pushing something aroundon your plate, Yep, and and
that's all you're focused on?
Speaker 3 (07:03):
Yeah, you know, as I learned in the infertility
series, now I'm able toverbalize and articulate these
things that for so long I wasn't, I wasn't being honest with
myself, I wasn't being honestwith the people that are nearest
and dearest to me.
I mean, so many of my closefamily and friends were like
what on earth is going on.
(07:23):
My husband got just slammedwith people asking him what is
wrong with her, what is going on?
She's not Amber Likesomething's very off and it was.
It was very off.
And, to be very honest with you,when I think back to those
times, a it's shameful because Ihate that.
I went through it and I was whoI was at that time, but at the
(07:46):
same time, I'm also proud of itbecause it's my story and I'm
and I'm, I've beat it and I'vecome through it.
It's also very hard for me toremember those times because I
was so not present and that'snot who I am.
And so I'll go back to thosetimes and think about events or
things that I was, I was at butmy soul wasn't there, like I
(08:10):
wasn't present, and I try tothink back to some of the
memories and high level stuff.
I'll remember, sure, butintricate things about
conversations, things that I I'ma through and through people
person, relationship builder.
That's who I am.
And so when I think back tothose times and I can't remember
those little moments, thoselittle pieces of people that to
(08:33):
me are cherished moments, that'swhat I love about getting to
know people now and meeting newpeople and building
relationships in my life.
I love knowing those littletrinkets about people.
And when I think back to thosetimes and I can't remember those
things, it kills me because itit just wasn't who I, who I am,
(08:55):
um and not being present, umright now.
When I think about it, it justkills me.
But it's like you'd have a newlease on life.
Speaker 2 (09:03):
100 you know, my gosh like that's.
That's the, I think too, withyou.
You have such a long life aheadof you, great life ahead of you
, and having gone through thatis going to, um, make your lens
that much more vibrant and aware.
I mean, that's the beauty ofthe hard and the darkness, yes,
is, if you allow it to, it willcolor you in a way that you're
(09:25):
like holy shit, like I would, Iwould, I would do this again
because, because, because of thepeople that I get to help, and
because I see life in such amore vivid and and like I'm just
sucking the nectar out of it.
Speaker 3 (09:38):
Who were.
Speaker 2 (09:39):
So you know, you really figure out who your true
friends are as you get older andas you go through things in
life.
And I'm not saying that peoplewho just didn't say anything to
you aren't true friends, becausesometimes true friends don't
know how to handle it.
But do you remember the peoplewho did say things to you that
cared enough to be like, look, Iknow, this is uncomfortable.
Speaker 3 (10:00):
Yeah.
Like who were those people.
It's funny because, as I hadmentioned, so many of the people
in my life did not come, yeah,like who were those people?
Often?
And they knew, they were verycareful with what they said to
(10:26):
me, but they knew.
And it was silly because, eventhough I thought I was hiding
things, they knew, they knewbetter and they would never call
me out, but they would saythings to me that would make me
ponder.
And I knew that they knew andthey knew that I knew.
(10:47):
But it took a while before wereally unpacked that situation
together.
It took time for both, for bothsides, for us to really be
honest about it.
The other person who, more thananyone, said things to me that
(11:08):
it was these little pieces thatmy father-in-law would drop to
me that.
I knew and it's funny because Iknew my parents cared so much,
but they did not know how totalk to me about it and my
father-in-law.
I know he knew, Everyone knew Ilooked different.
(11:32):
But he would drop these littlenuggets to me of just like it
was never anything like earthshattering, but it was small
offerings of help.
Speaker 1 (11:51):
And he is not earth side anymore.
Um, but he did so much for mein my healing and I never got to
thank him for that.
He's just an incredible humanand everyone who knew him loved
him and he would drop theselittle nuggets.
I'm trying to think of one.
Speaker 3 (12:11):
I'm trying to think of a just something, something
silly, like he might know that Iwould.
Everyone knew, right, I lovedworking out and this and that,
and he'd be like how about yougo on a?
Let's go on a walk, don't haveto, you don't have to go do that
today, let's go on a walk, likejust little things.
But the way that he would saythings to me, they were so
(12:34):
rooted in love, even though henever officially, like actually
said anything to me about it.
Again, he would drop theselittle nuggets that let me knew.
He knew and he was trying toalways catapult my healing and
everyone around me, I feel like,was doing that, but no one knew
(12:57):
how to talk to me about it.
Speaker 2 (12:59):
And.
Speaker 3 (12:59):
I didn't know how to talk to people about it.
Speaker 2 (13:02):
Yeah, I think when someone is actively in the space
you were in, it really isn't alot of times a matter of just
like directly shaking that.
I mean, if it was that easy, wewouldn't, yep.
And so there there are so many,there's a, there's a lot of
different balancing acts thathave to go into it and
ultimately the person in theactive situation has to be the
(13:22):
one to kind of see it, andthat's that's the beauty and the
curse of, I guess, the humanexperience.
Yeah, how did your husband likeI know you guys probably went
through some shit, yep, how didhe deal with you?
Because he's with you every dayand that veneer wears off, yeah
it does.
Speaker 3 (13:42):
He was amazing.
He's an amazing human.
He is the most compassionate,loyal just through and through.
An incredible person,incredible husband, incredible
dad, and he was so patient withme.
I look back and I'm like how onearth were you patient with me
(14:03):
for that long?
And he was just always patient,always supportive, every step
of the way.
It took us a long time beforewe really really deeply talked
about it, and it really wasn'tuntil we wanted to have a family
that we really tackled it tothe level where we were brutally
(14:24):
honest with each other.
How did he do that?
Speaker 2 (14:27):
Like so, because he's living with you and he's seeing
everything, and there was neverlike a comment or like a, I
mean.
Speaker 3 (14:34):
God love him.
I know he he would.
But again, I would like I wouldhide it.
I would try to be so I would.
I was eating and I was eatingand I was overexercising and I
was just very restrictive inwhat I was eating and he would.
There were times where I knowhe would get annoyed.
He'd be like, oh my God, justuse the salad dressing.
(14:57):
You know, like just sillylittle things, like okay, do you
need to use the tablespoon?
Like to measure the saladdressing, like for the love.
And I remember I actuallyremember this one time where we
went to a restaurant and Iordered.
We got appetizers, I got asalad, I got the dressing on the
(15:18):
side.
They brought it out.
The dressing wasn't on the sideand I almost lost my shit.
Like I look back now I'm like,oh my God, guess what happened
the other day?
I didn't get my dressing on theside and I ate it anyway.
But at the same time I'm likethis is growth, this is amazing.
I can't believe I was such anut earlier.
Speaker 2 (15:35):
Hey, listen, I'm a nut about my dressing on the
side too, so I feel you on that.
I do, I feel you on that.
Speaker 3 (15:45):
And he was.
I remember he was just like mygod, you're gonna send it back,
like are you serious?
Like can we just get over thisstuff by now?
Speaker 2 (15:49):
so there were moments , for sure, um, and he knew, and
I knew, and I mean did you havelike growing up, any eating,
exercise issues, you were justcompletely this kind of.
And then when you you became anadult, the job situation, all
of that, something just clickedYep.
Speaker 3 (16:10):
I never had anything.
I actually think back when Iwas in my challenging time.
I would think back to times inhigh school and playing sports
and I was like I can't believe Iused to do that.
Like I can't believe I used todo that.
We used to go to two-a-days inbasketball and then we'd all go
to Bob Evans and we wereshoveling our faces for three
hours Like we'd get soup and potroast and this and that, and I
(16:33):
would think back to that and I'dbe like, oh my God, I was
disgusting.
How did I do that?
Like I must've felt like totalshit with all that garbage in my
system, right, I also thought Ithink I was jealous of that
point too, because then I'm likebut I was always present, I was
always there with my friendsand I was just, I never cared
(16:56):
about that stuff.
And now I'm at this point whereI'm never present because all
I'm worried about is my mind thewhole time, like, oh my god,
how much, oh my, how manycalories are in that am I gonna
have?
How long am I gonna have to?
I'm gonna have to go for atleast a walk after this.
I can't handle like.
I can't just sit like, and itjust your mind it's on.
(17:18):
You're on hamster wheel allexhausting time.
Speaker 2 (17:21):
It's exhausting so eating today.
Now how do you cause?
I'm sure you still have some ofthat noise and you have to
manage it.
Yep, how do you?
What do you do Like?
What are your rules orpractices where you're like okay
, yeah?
Speaker 3 (17:37):
So I, I am still.
I still eat very healthy.
I want my kids to be.
You know, I'm still my, likeall of us, we are very health
conscious family and I want tobe, because we all know, you
know it's it pays right.
You gotta we want to enjoy thetime that we have here with, of
course, you gotta, live a littletoo.
(18:00):
I think the biggest thing thatchanged for me is I don't
restrict anything specific.
I have my voices, the thingsthat I love, and I have the
things that, like I'm not apotato chip person, never was.
I don't eat a potato chip butice cream, like yeah that's my
(18:20):
thing.
So what changed the biggest inthis whole journey for me is, I
know, the topic of intuitiveeating and listening to yourself
.
But my journey in generalthat's where I have kind of let
myself live and let myself growthe most is I just listen to my
body.
What do I want, what soundsgood, and I try not to like.
(18:44):
I eat till I'm full.
Now, that's hard sometimes,because sometimes shit's good
and you're like man and so, yeah, you overeat sometimes and you
feel like crap.
But for the most part I'vegotten to a place in my life
where I just turned 40, whichyou know, hot damn, oh my God,
(19:07):
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Speaker 3 (21:01):
But I'm like okay, I've been on this journey, I was
able to be.
We were blessed with these twokids and my biggest factor for
them for now is that I wantmyself, my husband, our families
to be an amazing role model forthem.
I want them to know that we eathealthy, but we enjoy things.
(21:21):
We don't enjoy things all thetime, but we also enjoy things.
And I want to work out nowbecause I want my kids to know
that we're strong, we're capable, especially my daughter Like
you can do anything you want.
My daughter, like you can doanything you want.
Speaker 2 (21:34):
And my son you can do anything you want right.
Speaker 3 (21:36):
But I want to be able to carry my kids up and down
the stairs.
Do I still work out because itfeels good?
Yeah, absolutely, but it's notwhat's.
It's not what's running my mindanymore.
Do you give?
Speaker 2 (21:48):
yourself a limit too.
Do you say, okay, like I'm notgoing to work out for two hours
every day, or is there like athing in your mind where you're
kind of slowing not slowing thatdown, but evolving that a
little bit?
Speaker 3 (22:00):
Yep.
So my husband and I have made acommitment to each other with
our kids that we each get 60minutes every day.
That's it.
Either go to a class, run tothe gym, walk, whatever.
You get 60 minutes for yourselfeach day.
Both of us Like we cover thetime and that's it, and that's
(22:21):
all you need.
Speaker 2 (22:21):
That's all you need.
It's sometimes a little morethan what you need.
Speaker 3 (22:23):
Sometimes, you know, sometimes and it's amazing what
you learn.
I'm like what the hell was Idoing?
Speaker 2 (22:29):
Well, I do think too it comes with age and wisdom and
just different trends anddifferent um phases that you,
you go through in your life.
I don't know.
I just 45 minutes of goodstrength training for me right
now.
You know I'll go, I'll walk orI'll like take a jog here and
there, but like hammering myselfagainst the wall.
I mean I work out, I work outhard, but like it's a very like
(22:52):
45 minutes strength sauna.
Oh, these doubling up onclasses and people, you know,
class hopping and doing all that.
No it's crazy and what they'retelling, like what you're
finding out, is that it'sactually counterintuitive.
It's not good for you.
Your cortisol levels go throughthe roof, your joints I mean
everything gets fucked up,everything you know.
Somebody told me something andI one time I've never said it
(23:15):
out loud again, but I've neverbeen able to unhear it, and it's
always.
It always lives rent free in myhead.
I can't remember who it was orwhen it was, but there's this
philosophy have you ever heardof this?
That that some people havethat's kind of like the opposite
of like, so like someone whowas like addicted to exercise
and would do it as much as theycan.
There's other people who have aphilosophy that you're only
(23:37):
given a finite amount of energyin your lifetime for your body
and you're using it all Right,so that they're very like, and I
can't remember where I heard it.
That's interesting, but it isinteresting to think about that.
I don't know there's a lot ofdifferent interesting to think
about that.
Um, I don't know there's a lotof different ways to think about
it, but I do think our cultureis wacky.
(23:57):
Yeah, wacky totally you know, ifyou're working out two hours a
day, I'm gonna like, I wouldlike, to analyze your workout
and show you like, first of all,you're wasting a shitload of
time and, secondly, let's do itway more efficiently.
For like a half hour to 45minutes it is.
Speaker 3 (24:15):
And I did.
I used to spend at least twohours a day working out every
day and I look back on that andI'm like I missed out on so much
stuff, just things that likewhat was I doing for what?
Like I for for what?
Like?
It's just, and it was.
I actually feel like now, today, at 40, I am stronger, my body.
(24:40):
I'm super proud of just the waythat I I've I turned out like
I've had two kids.
I freaking love lifting weights.
I never loved it before.
I was like a cardio junkie Forwhat I mean.
Yeah, it's great every once ina while, of course.
Speaker 2 (24:57):
It is.
It is, but you don't neednearly as much as people think
you do.
Speaker 3 (24:59):
No you do not Like I feel best when I am like lifting
, when I have like I feel strong.
And now that I've been throughwhat I've been through, like the
things that run through my mindall the time are just my kids
Like that's all the time.
And it's funny, my dad, myparents, come down a fair amount
(25:22):
.
They're in Cleveland, and acouple weeks ago my parents came
down and they were here and I'mlike you know what?
I'm going to go out in thegarage just for like half an
hour or whatever and lift them.
Just I want to get a littlework at it before the day starts
.
My dad's like really, and I'mlike, yeah, it's kind of my time
, this is when I do it.
(25:42):
If I don't do it early morning,I don't do it and it's just my
time.
I center myself, you know.
And he's like, yeah, you knowwhatever.
So we go through the rest ofthe weekend.
He's always present, right, buthe's watching me with my two
kids all the time, here andthere and everywhere, and
(26:03):
lifting a mommy up and down, andthey just want to do the same
things all the time, both ofthem.
So that's what I'm doing andthat's all I really care about
I'm doing and that's that's allI really care about.
And when, before they left, hetook me to the side and he said
you know, I wanted to tell yousomething.
And I said yes.
And he said I totallyunderstand what you meant.
Now I paid more attention to itbecause of what you told me.
(26:24):
And he said now I watched youall weekend long and I get it
Like you're just trying to keepup with them and you want to be
down on the floor with them andyou want to be like you want to
be with them.
And I said yeah, and I'm 40,I'm not 28.
So if I'm not intentionallylike I, I what I do now is for
(26:49):
them.
Speaker 2 (26:50):
No, it's so great, it's so great.
What would you say to the Amberthat you were?
Who's listening right now?
And they're a little bothered,like they're not quite ready to
tell themselves, but they'refeeling a little uncomfy with
this conversation.
Speaker 3 (27:18):
You know that to be ahead with this issue or be just
going through it right now,what would I have been able to
say to myself, like what wouldhave been the thing that would
have made me listen and snap outof it, because I mean, it was
probably two years that I wasgoing through that journey.
(27:40):
So when I think about it nowand I think like coming head to
head with someone who's in thisright now and knowing what I
know about those elements ofyour life that are so important,
they're so important.
I think I was like what wouldhave impacted me and it's hard
because I think a lot of peopletried and a lot of people said
(28:01):
things to me and it didn't stick.
I think that, first andforemost, I could hopefully
reach someone only because I'vebeen there.
Like I think there would havebeen something to it if I would
have had a sit down, person toperson, face to face
conversation with someone whohad been through it, and I would
(28:23):
tell them the only thing inyour life that's constant is
change.
Like I know that this is whereyou're at right now and I also
know it's so important to youand I'm not going to say that
it's not okay because I've beenthere, but what I am going to
tell you is this is not whatlife's going to be like forever.
This is not permanent, it'stemporary, and the things that
(28:48):
are going to be important to you, they're going to change and
those are going to be temporarytoo.
But I'm telling you again, theonly thing that's constant is
change.
And what I don't want you everto do is to regret, because I
look back on those days where Iwasn't present and I can't even
remember some of the events orthings that I was doing because
(29:11):
I was too busy on the hamsterwheel in my mind about what I
was doing and the calories andthe intake.
And that's not what life'sabout.
Like, life's about presence,it's about connecting with other
people, it's about love, it'sabout joy and those things.
You're robbed of that when thisis the hamster wheel that
(29:33):
you're on all the time.
And if you were to die tomorrow, no one cares what size you are
, no one cares how many caloriesyou're burning or any of that.
They care about your heart,your soul.
That's what they want from youand hopefully I could get that
(29:53):
through to someone.
Speaker 2 (29:55):
Do you think that the Apple Watch is helpful or
hurtful?
Speaker 3 (29:58):
That's a good question For me.
I think it's helpful for mejust because I like to know what
I've got going on and what I'mdoing.
Because I like to know whatI've got going on and what I'm
doing.
But I will tell you that in myjourney, what I used to wear was
(30:25):
a Fitbit and I shed that andall the stuff that it had along
with it.
When I had all of these issues,all these stats and all this
stuff, I got rid of the watch, Ideleted the app and I don't
know any of those things anymore.
Speaker 2 (30:42):
Because it was real compulsive, right?
Yep, then not only are you onthe hamster wheel, now you're
watching, my God, yep.
Speaker 3 (30:49):
And that logged like six half marathons.
I did all this training, allthis stuff and I just said bye,
bye, bye and I don't know.
I know those things now, butthose numbers, those stats, for
me, like that it was.
Speaker 2 (31:08):
It was very freeing, but you know how many steps you
take a day though I do and youhave a number, don't you Cause
that's, that's what.
But a lot of people do that.
Yeah, like so, and then youknow, I think it's, I think it's
a good thing, yeah, it'sdefinitely a good thing for a
certain person, right?
And then it and then it goesand it tips over for some people
where you're like holdingyourself accountable and then
(31:29):
like, oh, I got 10,000.
Well, fuck 10,000, I'm gonnaget 12,000, then I'm gonna get
30, so it's like holy shit yeah,it can be.
Speaker 3 (31:37):
Um, I do.
I pay attention to what I'mdoing, but I also like part of
it too is another aspect ofhealing for me, because I'm not,
I'm not obsessed with itanymore, right, that's that's,
that's the whole difference, youknow, because these tools are
all helpful and healthy and it'slike anything.
Speaker 2 (31:56):
It's like when you're , when you're in moderation with
it, you know.
But then when you, when youalready have this issue, and
then this is like throwing, youknow, fuel on the fire, kind of
thing.
But I, I think about people whoare living like this.
You know where their number one, two and three focus in their
day is what I'm going to eat,how much I'm going to eat and
(32:17):
how much I'm going to move, andit's like that.
That's that quote that I love.
We're all living in cages withthe door wide open.
There's never anything moreappropriate for a person like
that.
No, you are living in a cageand the door is right there,
it's open to get out.
Yep, it is.
You are living in a cage andthe door is right there, it's
open to get out.
Yep, it is.
You know.
I mean, there's a better,there's a better.
I know this is such a big dealfor people.
(32:38):
You know, I've dabbled in myown things, unfortunately for me
.
I just really the food and thealcohol and all that shit laying
around always wins.
I don't know what's wrong withme, but I get it to an extent,
but I don't.
I don't understand.
You know where you werespecifically, but I can only
imagine how horrible, horrible.
(33:01):
So if you are, if you're outthere and you're feeling that
way, I mean I just think youcould be such a great
nonjudgmental safe resource agreat, nonjudgmental, safe,
absolutely resource uh, 100 Iwould be.
Speaker 3 (33:21):
I didn't have that at all.
Like I said, I think when Ireally think about what would
have influenced me to be able tostep out and start healing um,
it would have been to be able tosit down with someone who's
been through it, and it is ashameful thing.
It's something when I think atthe moment, like I knew I was
hiding, I knew I was lying, Iknew I was trying to avoid going
(33:43):
to different things because Ididn't want to have to be faced
with a bunch of junk and alcoholand this and that and I would
not go Like it's.
I think about it now.
Speaker 2 (33:53):
It makes me so sad didn't you ever just want,
though, like, like, I would justbe so sad.
Speaker 3 (33:59):
Like I just would want the like, the Tommy's pizza
, oh, oh, carrie, there were afew times that I went and when I
did go, like so youoverindulged, and then I would
overindulge and I would feellike absolute garbage the next
day and I would totallyoverindulge.
That happened a couple of times, never to the point where I got
(34:20):
sick or made myself sick oranything like that.
I would just feel like crap andthen I'd be like I'm not eating
breakfast today.
I definitely can't Not afterthat.
Speaker 2 (34:30):
But that's what it leads to, right?
Because I do think that, like,no matter what, we're all human
beings you know you have tosatisfy certain things in your
life and if you don't, and youkeep putting that in this little
container, eventuallysomething's going to break and
then you're going to just gocompletely the opposite
direction.
Then, unfortunately, somepeople do purge because they
can't handle that.
(34:51):
Yeah, absolutely.
Now you're just spin, spin inthis crazy direction of just
nothing good, no it's nothinggood, and that's my now looking
back.
Speaker 3 (34:59):
Such a fear is with my kids, and specifically my
daughter.
Like I'm, like I, that runsthrough my head all the time
that I don't want her to have toexperience that and I want her
to be able to.
I don't want fear of any sortof food or anything.
I just and restrictive.
(35:20):
I will do anything to not havethat with with my daughter, with
my friends, daughters, you know, like I know it, it, it lives
in males too.
Speaker 2 (35:30):
It's not just females , it's.
It's a problem, and I know itlives in males too, it does.
Speaker 3 (35:33):
It's not just females it's a problem, and I know a
handful of males that it hasbeen a problem.
Speaker 2 (35:38):
But, once again, for the men it's harder to talk
about because it's like oh wait,this is for women.
It's emasculating, and so it'sharder for a man to step forward
, 100%, you know.
But of course it's a humanthing, it's a human condition.
Speaker 3 (35:50):
But of course, it's a human thing, it's a human
condition.
And now, the biggest thing Ithink I don't know why this just
popped into my head, but Ithink we were talking about the
Apple Watch, and I think aboutall of this now and actually
something that someone said tome after the infertility series
came out was someone I knowapproached me and said oh my
(36:13):
gosh, I had no idea that you'vedealt with that.
I, I'm so sorry, I'm so likethank you for sharing your story
, you know, and they were likeyou really lost your period,
like for a long time.
And I'm like, yes, for years,for years.
And now it's so funny becausepeople are like, oh shit, I got
(36:37):
my period.
I am overjoyed every time I getmy period, like I'm so happy.
I'm so happy because I'm likethat's just another piece that
I'm like I we good, yeah, wewent through it, we did it, we
(36:58):
did it girl.
Speaker 2 (36:59):
Yeah, we did it again Like we're.
We're doing it.
It's like a reminder, it is.
Speaker 3 (37:03):
And it just happened last week, which is why I was
like yeah, good for you.
And I'm like I love it and I'lltell my husband like I got my
period and I'm like I love itand I'll tell my husband like I
got my period, I'm sorry.
Speaker 2 (37:13):
He's like yeah, I know, I knew that a week ago.
Speaker 3 (37:15):
Honey, they're on to the PMS and he actually was like
yeah, but it's like for me now,like it, it brings me so much
joy.
I welcome the cramps, it's fine, no.
Speaker 2 (37:32):
I know I feel you, I totally feel you.
Well, I just again you're verybrave.
Thank you.
I'm so, so happy that you camein.
Thank, you.
And, like we talked aboutbefore, you know, with SOS, we
knew, yeah, and we'd had lots ofdiscussions I think maybe
Courtney might have even reachedout to you because we were
always very caring and aware ofthe clients and what they were
(37:55):
going through.
So that's why I had a littlemeltdown in here.
Yeah, it hit me in like a verystrange way, like I wasn't
expecting.
Speaker 3 (38:04):
Well, I actually remember really vividly when
Courtney reached out to me andagain I hid, that's what I did I
was like, oh, it's who knowswhat.
You know, courtney, man, she'sa good one, she's a real one,
yeah, but I will say that thosethose things like again little
(38:28):
nuggets, right, like they allstarted adding up, and between
that and I would think back like, okay, like I had this in
exchange with this person.
I had this exchange with thisperson and even somebody at work
like my old boss, who he's aboss, but he, you know,
(38:51):
sometimes you have a manager,that's a friend and he was going
through some shit at the sametime that I was and we knew we
were both going through someshit.
Um, and we had this really bigdinner for work and it was when
I was starting to heal and I waspretty honest with him about
what was going on and he knewand it's really silly, it sounds
(39:17):
really silly but the next daywe came into work and he came
into my office and he shut thedoor and he knew what I was
going through and he was likeI'm so proud of you, like you
just were present last night andyou had dinner, and you, I
could tell like you were justyou're working on it And'm like
I am, and that was hard, but I'mmaking progress.
And he was like I see it.
I saw it like you're doing sowell, and so those are the
(39:41):
things that they build upon, um,and then, once this you know
piece started with trying tohave kids.
That's just what did it for me.
Speaker 2 (39:55):
Well, amber, I love you.
Yeah, I too am very proud ofyou.
I think this is remarkable,that you have come on here again
, and it's a vulnerable, scarything to share.
But man, so badass, thank you,so badass.
And if you're out there andyou're, you know, listening and
you've got an issue, or you knowsomeone who has an issue,
whatever is going on, if this iskind of making your stomach
(40:18):
turn a little bit or maybelighting some kind of fire
inside of you, you can reach out.
Reach out to me, dm me.
I promise you it's a safe space.
No one's got to know.
Nope, I'm like a vault and Ican get you to the right person.
Amber, you know, you can reachout to her directly but, we are
here to, you know, add value andto make people feel less alone
(40:38):
and to really bring out theultimate badassery inside of you
.
Everybody's got one,everybody's got one, and
sometimes life and shit andcircumstances kind of covers it
up a little bit.
But I'll be damned if we're notgoing to mine for it together
and get that badass like back onthe track.
Back on track, so just considerus a resource and again, just
(41:01):
reach out.
Thank you, you're the best wecome back.
I want you to be a cameo, yeah.
And then I'll see you at thislittle Bohindi gathering we got
going on, you're the best, soare this little bohindi
gathering we got.
Going on, you're the best, soare you.
Thank you, and if you're stillout there following your girl,
follow me on youtube, spotify,apple or wherever you get your
podcast.
And until next time, keepmoving, baby.
I'm telling you you're gonnahelp a lot of people.
It's gonna happen.
(41:22):
I mean, you already are.
Hey there you beautiful badass.
Welcome to the Keri Croft Show.
I'm your host, keri Croft,delivering you stories that get
you pumped up and feeling likethe unstoppable savage that you
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Don't say I've never doneanything for you.
That's better, okay, all right,amber my girl.
Hello, welcome back.
You know that's better.
Okay, all right, amber my girl,hello, welcome back.
Speaker 3 (01:28):
You know, you were just here in april, now it's may
.
I couldn't get enough of you.
I know I couldn't get enough ofyou.
I was like I have to reel her.
Speaker 2 (01:30):
I gotta put my pole back in the water and reel this
fish back in.
So glad you did.
You know so.
You and I were sitting down forthe infertility series yes, and
you were a you're a long timesos-er, so I've known you for a
very long time.
You're very near and dear to myheart, and you threw me for a
loop there for a minute duringthe infertility thing because
you started going into yourstory and your journey with food
(01:52):
and exercise and I was like, ohwow, like there's a lot to
unpack here.
Yeah, so my brain got tothinking like we need to hear
more about your story outside ofthe infertility journey,
because I know that a lot ofpeople go through this.
Yes, a lot.
Speaker 3 (02:08):
A lot of people and I think I knew a lot of people go
through it.
But after the infertilityseries aired, I heard from more
people than I imagined I wouldhear from, not only from
themselves but people they knewwhether it was the infertility,
but then so many people as wellthat struggle with those.
That situation that I did withover-exercising and you know,
(02:35):
controlling food and just tryingto control aspects of your life
.
Speaker 2 (02:38):
What would you diagnose?
Do you have a specificdiagnosis, like was it exercise?
What do they call exerciseaddiction?
Speaker 3 (02:44):
There's a name for it , so I was diagnosed with
amenorrhea and then that's justthe loss of period.
I knew from myself it wasorthorexia, overexercising,
controlling the things I wasputting into my body.
That never came out as anofficial diagnosis.
However, I know that's what myproblem was, I know that's what
(03:06):
I had and I knew that that'swhat my battle was in terms of
healing and, um, what I neededto overcome what about the food?
Speaker 2 (03:15):
were you anorexic?
Were you bulimic?
Were you just very?
Speaker 3 (03:19):
like I was very restrictive, I was just I would
control.
I would just control as peoplelike I only want to eat healthy
things, I only want to be likeprotein and vegetables and like
carbs that are, you know, onlysweet potatoes, like stupid,
stupid things.
But that I say stupid, but inthe, in the sense it's not right
(03:42):
.
It was just controlling thecaloric intake, right getting to
the point where I knew like,okay, this is where I feel good
and I'm full, and then I'm done,and then I won't eat this any
anything else let's talk aboutthat.
Speaker 2 (03:56):
Yeah, I mean, I have a fascination with this too,
because we all have our foodthings we all do.
You know I've had my own andstill watch certain things.
But when you are so in controlof your food, but you're still
human, like I know you havecravings, I know you want to eat
(04:17):
that pizza.
Or when you're socially out andpeople have nachos at the table
, like it has to bug you.
Did you play games withyourself?
Did you give yourself I canhave two chips?
Yep, I can have a day Like canyou walk through what that path?
And then I want to walk throughwhat it is to like how it's
changed.
Speaker 3 (04:33):
So at that time everything had to be very
planned.
So if I knew I had somethingcoming up, if I knew I had a
happy hour for work, we had aparty to go to, I would plan
around that.
And that was the part that wasreally difficult, because that's
what I would try to.
There was shame, there was alot of shame for me around that
(04:56):
Like, am I really doing this?
Am I really going to plan this?
But at the end of the day Iwould.
That's how I would get throughit.
And I'd be like okay, I'm goingto have a really light breakfast
and a really light lunch, andthat way A I want to enjoy
myself.
Was I really?
No, because I had other thingson my mind, but I didn't want
anyone else around me to thinkanything was wrong.
And so then I would like okay,be restrictive during the day,
(05:20):
so that I was not.
I could appear as if I was fineat night and indulge and be
okay with it.
But then the next morning Iwould feel terrible and I'd be
like I'll skip breakfast.
Speaker 2 (05:31):
When you say indulge though like my idea of indulging
and yours might be a little bitdifferent.
So like I'm going to give youan example If I go out to a
happy hour and there's like 12wings sitting there and some
nachos, I'm going to have myshare of that.
Like I'll probably have likefour wings and like a third of
the nachos.
Speaker 3 (05:50):
Yeah, so my, I would have a little bit of of, a
little bit of whatever wasaround typically in that
situation.
Let's say, I'd probably goafter some wings a little bit
more for, yeah, protein and um,but also for me, like the, the
alcohol, like I'd be like, oh,there's just, there's a lot of
(06:12):
calories in that.
It's a lot of.
You know, I just need to, Ineed to watch.
And then the other thing for mewas pizza, love pizza.
So I'd be like, well, I'm gonnahave a piece, but then that's
all I'm gonna have and twodrinks, and then I need to be
done.
But then the other piece ofthat too was I mean, you would
be smashed after two drinks whenyou're like you have nothing.
Speaker 2 (06:34):
So I guess let's get down to the.
You know, the part of this thatI think is truly sad and really
important to bring up is areyou ever really present?
You know, are you ever reallyin a moment where you're
enjoying your life and you'reenjoying like locking eyes with
someone, because your voice andyour head is constantly consumed
(06:57):
with pushing something aroundon your plate, Yep, and and
that's all you're focused on?
Speaker 3 (07:03):
Yeah, you know, as I learned in the infertility
series, now I'm able toverbalize and articulate these
things that for so long I wasn't, I wasn't being honest with
myself, I wasn't being honestwith the people that are nearest
and dearest to me.
I mean, so many of my closefamily and friends were like
what on earth is going on.
(07:23):
My husband got just slammedwith people asking him what is
wrong with her, what is going on?
She's not Amber Likesomething's very off and it was.
It was very off.
And, to be very honest with you,when I think back to those
times, a it's shameful because Ihate that.
I went through it and I was whoI was at that time, but at the
(07:46):
same time, I'm also proud of itbecause it's my story and I'm
and I'm, I've beat it and I'vecome through it.
It's also very hard for me toremember those times because I
was so not present and that'snot who I am.
And so I'll go back to thosetimes and think about events or
things that I was, I was at butmy soul wasn't there, like I
(08:10):
wasn't present, and I try tothink back to some of the
memories and high level stuff.
I'll remember, sure, butintricate things about
conversations, things that I I'ma through and through people
person, relationship builder.
That's who I am.
And so when I think back tothose times and I can't remember
those little moments, thoselittle pieces of people that to
(08:33):
me are cherished moments, that'swhat I love about getting to
know people now and meeting newpeople and building
relationships in my life.
I love knowing those littletrinkets about people.
And when I think back to thosetimes and I can't remember those
things, it kills me because itit just wasn't who I, who I am,
(08:55):
um and not being present, umright now.
When I think about it, it justkills me.
But it's like you'd have a newlease on life.
Speaker 2 (09:03):
100 you know, my gosh like that's.
That's the, I think too, withyou.
You have such a long life aheadof you, great life ahead of you
, and having gone through thatis going to, um, make your lens
that much more vibrant and aware.
I mean, that's the beauty ofthe hard and the darkness, yes,
is, if you allow it to, it willcolor you in a way that you're
(09:25):
like holy shit, like I would, Iwould, I would do this again
because, because, because of thepeople that I get to help, and
because I see life in such amore vivid and and like I'm just
sucking the nectar out of it.
Speaker 3 (09:38):
Who were.
Speaker 2 (09:39):
So you know, you really figure out who your true
friends are as you get older andas you go through things in
life.
And I'm not saying that peoplewho just didn't say anything to
you aren't true friends, becausesometimes true friends don't
know how to handle it.
But do you remember the peoplewho did say things to you that
cared enough to be like, look, Iknow, this is uncomfortable.
Speaker 3 (10:00):
Yeah.
Like who were those people.
It's funny because, as I hadmentioned, so many of the people
in my life did not come, yeah,like who were those people?
Often?
And they knew, they were verycareful with what they said to
(10:26):
me, but they knew.
And it was silly because, eventhough I thought I was hiding
things, they knew, they knewbetter and they would never call
me out, but they would saythings to me that would make me
ponder.
And I knew that they knew andthey knew that I knew.
(10:47):
But it took a while before wereally unpacked that situation
together.
It took time for both, for bothsides, for us to really be
honest about it.
The other person who, more thananyone, said things to me that
(11:08):
it was these little pieces thatmy father-in-law would drop to
me that.
I knew and it's funny because Iknew my parents cared so much,
but they did not know how totalk to me about it and my
father-in-law.
I know he knew, Everyone knew Ilooked different.
(11:32):
But he would drop these littlenuggets to me of just like it
was never anything like earthshattering, but it was small
offerings of help.
Speaker 1 (11:51):
And he is not earth side anymore.
Um, but he did so much for mein my healing and I never got to
thank him for that.
He's just an incredible humanand everyone who knew him loved
him and he would drop theselittle nuggets.
I'm trying to think of one.
Speaker 3 (12:11):
I'm trying to think of a just something, something
silly, like he might know that Iwould.
Everyone knew, right, I lovedworking out and this and that,
and he'd be like how about yougo on a?
Let's go on a walk, don't haveto, you don't have to go do that
today, let's go on a walk, likejust little things.
But the way that he would saythings to me, they were so
(12:34):
rooted in love, even though henever officially, like actually
said anything to me about it.
Again, he would drop theselittle nuggets that let me knew.
He knew and he was trying toalways catapult my healing and
everyone around me, I feel like,was doing that, but no one knew
(12:57):
how to talk to me about it.
Speaker 2 (12:59):
And.
Speaker 3 (12:59):
I didn't know how to talk to people about it.
Speaker 2 (13:02):
Yeah, I think when someone is actively in the space
you were in, it really isn't alot of times a matter of just
like directly shaking that.
I mean, if it was that easy, wewouldn't, yep.
And so there there are so many,there's a, there's a lot of
different balancing acts thathave to go into it and
ultimately the person in theactive situation has to be the
(13:22):
one to kind of see it, andthat's that's the beauty and the
curse of, I guess, the humanexperience.
Yeah, how did your husband likeI know you guys probably went
through some shit, yep, how didhe deal with you?
Because he's with you every dayand that veneer wears off, yeah
it does.
Speaker 3 (13:42):
He was amazing.
He's an amazing human.
He is the most compassionate,loyal just through and through.
An incredible person,incredible husband, incredible
dad, and he was so patient withme.
I look back and I'm like how onearth were you patient with me
(14:03):
for that long?
And he was just always patient,always supportive, every step
of the way.
It took us a long time beforewe really really deeply talked
about it, and it really wasn'tuntil we wanted to have a family
that we really tackled it tothe level where we were brutally
(14:24):
honest with each other.
How did he do that?
Speaker 2 (14:27):
Like so, because he's living with you and he's seeing
everything, and there was neverlike a comment or like a, I
mean.
Speaker 3 (14:34):
God love him.
I know he he would.
But again, I would like I wouldhide it.
I would try to be so I would.
I was eating and I was eatingand I was overexercising and I
was just very restrictive inwhat I was eating and he would.
There were times where I knowhe would get annoyed.
He'd be like, oh my God, justuse the salad dressing.
(14:57):
You know, like just sillylittle things, like okay, do you
need to use the tablespoon?
Like to measure the saladdressing, like for the love.
And I remember I actuallyremember this one time where we
went to a restaurant and Iordered.
We got appetizers, I got asalad, I got the dressing on the
(15:18):
side.
They brought it out.
The dressing wasn't on the sideand I almost lost my shit.
Like I look back now I'm like,oh my God, guess what happened
the other day?
I didn't get my dressing on theside and I ate it anyway.
But at the same time I'm likethis is growth, this is amazing.
I can't believe I was such anut earlier.
Speaker 2 (15:35):
Hey, listen, I'm a nut about my dressing on the
side too, so I feel you on that.
I do, I feel you on that.
Speaker 3 (15:45):
And he was.
I remember he was just like mygod, you're gonna send it back,
like are you serious?
Like can we just get over thisstuff by now?
Speaker 2 (15:49):
so there were moments , for sure, um, and he knew, and
I knew, and I mean did you havelike growing up, any eating,
exercise issues, you were justcompletely this kind of.
And then when you you became anadult, the job situation, all
of that, something just clickedYep.
Speaker 3 (16:10):
I never had anything.
I actually think back when Iwas in my challenging time.
I would think back to times inhigh school and playing sports
and I was like I can't believe Iused to do that.
Like I can't believe I used todo that.
We used to go to two-a-days inbasketball and then we'd all go
to Bob Evans and we wereshoveling our faces for three
hours Like we'd get soup and potroast and this and that, and I
(16:33):
would think back to that and I'dbe like, oh my God, I was
disgusting.
How did I do that?
Like I must've felt like totalshit with all that garbage in my
system, right, I also thought Ithink I was jealous of that
point too, because then I'm likebut I was always present, I was
always there with my friendsand I was just, I never cared
(16:56):
about that stuff.
And now I'm at this point whereI'm never present because all
I'm worried about is my mind thewhole time, like, oh my god,
how much, oh my, how manycalories are in that am I gonna
have?
How long am I gonna have to?
I'm gonna have to go for atleast a walk after this.
I can't handle like.
I can't just sit like, and itjust your mind it's on.
(17:18):
You're on hamster wheel allexhausting time.
Speaker 2 (17:21):
It's exhausting so eating today.
Now how do you cause?
I'm sure you still have some ofthat noise and you have to
manage it.
Yep, how do you?
What do you do Like?
What are your rules orpractices where you're like okay
, yeah?
Speaker 3 (17:37):
So I, I am still.
I still eat very healthy.
I want my kids to be.
You know, I'm still my, likeall of us, we are very health
conscious family and I want tobe, because we all know, you
know it's it pays right.
You gotta we want to enjoy thetime that we have here with, of
course, you gotta, live a littletoo.
(18:00):
I think the biggest thing thatchanged for me is I don't
restrict anything specific.
I have my voices, the thingsthat I love, and I have the
things that, like I'm not apotato chip person, never was.
I don't eat a potato chip butice cream, like yeah that's my
(18:20):
thing.
So what changed the biggest inthis whole journey for me is, I
know, the topic of intuitiveeating and listening to yourself
.
But my journey in generalthat's where I have kind of let
myself live and let myself growthe most is I just listen to my
body.
What do I want, what soundsgood, and I try not to like.
(18:44):
I eat till I'm full.
Now, that's hard sometimes,because sometimes shit's good
and you're like man and so, yeah, you overeat sometimes and you
feel like crap.
But for the most part I'vegotten to a place in my life
where I just turned 40, whichyou know, hot damn, oh my God,
(19:07):
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Speaker 3 (21:01):
But I'm like okay, I've been on this journey, I was
able to be.
We were blessed with these twokids and my biggest factor for
them for now is that I wantmyself, my husband, our families
to be an amazing role model forthem.
I want them to know that we eathealthy, but we enjoy things.
(21:21):
We don't enjoy things all thetime, but we also enjoy things.
And I want to work out nowbecause I want my kids to know
that we're strong, we're capable, especially my daughter Like
you can do anything you want.
My daughter, like you can doanything you want.
Speaker 2 (21:34):
And my son you can do anything you want right.
Speaker 3 (21:36):
But I want to be able to carry my kids up and down
the stairs.
Do I still work out because itfeels good?
Yeah, absolutely, but it's notwhat's.
It's not what's running my mindanymore.
Do you give?
Speaker 2 (21:48):
yourself a limit too.
Do you say, okay, like I'm notgoing to work out for two hours
every day, or is there like athing in your mind where you're
kind of slowing not slowing thatdown, but evolving that a
little bit?
Speaker 3 (22:00):
Yep.
So my husband and I have made acommitment to each other with
our kids that we each get 60minutes every day.
That's it.
Either go to a class, run tothe gym, walk, whatever.
You get 60 minutes for yourselfeach day.
Both of us Like we cover thetime and that's it, and that's
(22:21):
all you need.
Speaker 2 (22:21):
That's all you need.
It's sometimes a little morethan what you need.
Speaker 3 (22:23):
Sometimes, you know, sometimes and it's amazing what
you learn.
I'm like what the hell was Idoing?
Speaker 2 (22:29):
Well, I do think too it comes with age and wisdom and
just different trends anddifferent um phases that you,
you go through in your life.
I don't know.
I just 45 minutes of goodstrength training for me right
now.
You know I'll go, I'll walk orI'll like take a jog here and
there, but like hammering myselfagainst the wall.
I mean I work out, I work outhard, but like it's a very like
(22:52):
45 minutes strength sauna.
Oh, these doubling up onclasses and people, you know,
class hopping and doing all that.
No it's crazy and what they'retelling, like what you're
finding out, is that it'sactually counterintuitive.
It's not good for you.
Your cortisol levels go throughthe roof, your joints I mean
everything gets fucked up,everything you know.
Somebody told me something andI one time I've never said it
(23:15):
out loud again, but I've neverbeen able to unhear it, and it's
always.
It always lives rent free in myhead.
I can't remember who it was orwhen it was, but there's this
philosophy have you ever heardof this?
That that some people havethat's kind of like the opposite
of like, so like someone whowas like addicted to exercise
and would do it as much as theycan.
There's other people who have aphilosophy that you're only
(23:37):
given a finite amount of energyin your lifetime for your body
and you're using it all Right,so that they're very like, and I
can't remember where I heard it.
That's interesting, but it isinteresting to think about that.
I don't know there's a lot ofdifferent interesting to think
about that.
Um, I don't know there's a lotof different ways to think about
it, but I do think our cultureis wacky.
(23:57):
Yeah, wacky totally you know, ifyou're working out two hours a
day, I'm gonna like, I wouldlike, to analyze your workout
and show you like, first of all,you're wasting a shitload of
time and, secondly, let's do itway more efficiently.
For like a half hour to 45minutes it is.
Speaker 3 (24:15):
And I did.
I used to spend at least twohours a day working out every
day and I look back on that andI'm like I missed out on so much
stuff, just things that likewhat was I doing for what?
Like I for for what?
Like?
It's just, and it was.
I actually feel like now, today, at 40, I am stronger, my body.
(24:40):
I'm super proud of just the waythat I I've I turned out like
I've had two kids.
I freaking love lifting weights.
I never loved it before.
I was like a cardio junkie Forwhat I mean.
Yeah, it's great every once ina while, of course.
Speaker 2 (24:57):
It is.
It is, but you don't neednearly as much as people think
you do.
Speaker 3 (24:59):
No you do not Like I feel best when I am like lifting
, when I have like I feel strong.
And now that I've been throughwhat I've been through, like the
things that run through my mindall the time are just my kids
Like that's all the time.
And it's funny, my dad, myparents, come down a fair amount
(25:22):
.
They're in Cleveland, and acouple weeks ago my parents came
down and they were here and I'mlike you know what?
I'm going to go out in thegarage just for like half an
hour or whatever and lift them.
Just I want to get a littlework at it before the day starts
.
My dad's like really, and I'mlike, yeah, it's kind of my time
, this is when I do it.
(25:42):
If I don't do it early morning,I don't do it and it's just my
time.
I center myself, you know.
And he's like, yeah, you knowwhatever.
So we go through the rest ofthe weekend.
He's always present, right, buthe's watching me with my two
kids all the time, here andthere and everywhere, and
(26:03):
lifting a mommy up and down, andthey just want to do the same
things all the time, both ofthem.
So that's what I'm doing andthat's all I really care about
I'm doing and that's that's allI really care about.
And when, before they left, hetook me to the side and he said
you know, I wanted to tell yousomething.
And I said yes.
And he said I totallyunderstand what you meant.
Now I paid more attention to itbecause of what you told me.
(26:24):
And he said now I watched youall weekend long and I get it
Like you're just trying to keepup with them and you want to be
down on the floor with them andyou want to be like you want to
be with them.
And I said yeah, and I'm 40,I'm not 28.
So if I'm not intentionallylike I, I what I do now is for
(26:49):
them.
Speaker 2 (26:50):
No, it's so great, it's so great.
What would you say to the Amberthat you were?
Who's listening right now?
And they're a little bothered,like they're not quite ready to
tell themselves, but they'refeeling a little uncomfy with
this conversation.
Speaker 3 (27:18):
You know that to be ahead with this issue or be just
going through it right now,what would I have been able to
say to myself, like what wouldhave been the thing that would
have made me listen and snap outof it, because I mean, it was
probably two years that I wasgoing through that journey.
(27:40):
So when I think about it nowand I think like coming head to
head with someone who's in thisright now and knowing what I
know about those elements ofyour life that are so important,
they're so important.
I think I was like what wouldhave impacted me and it's hard
because I think a lot of peopletried and a lot of people said
(28:01):
things to me and it didn't stick.
I think that, first andforemost, I could hopefully
reach someone only because I'vebeen there.
Like I think there would havebeen something to it if I would
have had a sit down, person toperson, face to face
conversation with someone whohad been through it, and I would
(28:23):
tell them the only thing inyour life that's constant is
change.
Like I know that this is whereyou're at right now and I also
know it's so important to youand I'm not going to say that
it's not okay because I've beenthere, but what I am going to
tell you is this is not whatlife's going to be like forever.
This is not permanent, it'stemporary, and the things that
(28:48):
are going to be important to you, they're going to change and
those are going to be temporarytoo.
But I'm telling you again, theonly thing that's constant is
change.
And what I don't want you everto do is to regret, because I
look back on those days where Iwasn't present and I can't even
remember some of the events orthings that I was doing because
(29:11):
I was too busy on the hamsterwheel in my mind about what I
was doing and the calories andthe intake.
And that's not what life'sabout.
Like, life's about presence,it's about connecting with other
people, it's about love, it'sabout joy and those things.
You're robbed of that when thisis the hamster wheel that
(29:33):
you're on all the time.
And if you were to die tomorrow, no one cares what size you are
, no one cares how many caloriesyou're burning or any of that.
They care about your heart,your soul.
That's what they want from youand hopefully I could get that
(29:53):
through to someone.
Speaker 2 (29:55):
Do you think that the Apple Watch is helpful or
hurtful?
Speaker 3 (29:58):
That's a good question For me.
I think it's helpful for mejust because I like to know what
I've got going on and what I'mdoing.
Because I like to know whatI've got going on and what I'm
doing.
But I will tell you that in myjourney, what I used to wear was
(30:25):
a Fitbit and I shed that andall the stuff that it had along
with it.
When I had all of these issues,all these stats and all this
stuff, I got rid of the watch, Ideleted the app and I don't
know any of those things anymore.
Speaker 2 (30:42):
Because it was real compulsive, right?
Yep, then not only are you onthe hamster wheel, now you're
watching, my God, yep.
Speaker 3 (30:49):
And that logged like six half marathons.
I did all this training, allthis stuff and I just said bye,
bye, bye and I don't know.
I know those things now, butthose numbers, those stats, for
me, like that it was.
Speaker 2 (31:08):
It was very freeing, but you know how many steps you
take a day though I do and youhave a number, don't you Cause
that's, that's what.
But a lot of people do that.
Yeah, like so, and then youknow, I think it's, I think it's
a good thing, yeah, it'sdefinitely a good thing for a
certain person, right?
And then it and then it goesand it tips over for some people
where you're like holdingyourself accountable and then
(31:29):
like, oh, I got 10,000.
Well, fuck 10,000, I'm gonnaget 12,000, then I'm gonna get
30, so it's like holy shit yeah,it can be.
Speaker 3 (31:37):
Um, I do.
I pay attention to what I'mdoing, but I also like part of
it too is another aspect ofhealing for me, because I'm not,
I'm not obsessed with itanymore, right, that's that's,
that's the whole difference, youknow, because these tools are
all helpful and healthy and it'slike anything.
Speaker 2 (31:56):
It's like when you're , when you're in moderation with
it, you know.
But then when you, when youalready have this issue, and
then this is like throwing, youknow, fuel on the fire, kind of
thing.
But I, I think about people whoare living like this.
You know where their number one, two and three focus in their
day is what I'm going to eat,how much I'm going to eat and
(32:17):
how much I'm going to move, andit's like that.
That's that quote that I love.
We're all living in cages withthe door wide open.
There's never anything moreappropriate for a person like
that.
No, you are living in a cageand the door is right there,
it's open to get out.
Yep, it is.
You are living in a cage andthe door is right there, it's
open to get out.
Yep, it is.
You know.
I mean, there's a better,there's a better.
I know this is such a big dealfor people.
(32:38):
You know, I've dabbled in myown things, unfortunately for me
.
I just really the food and thealcohol and all that shit laying
around always wins.
I don't know what's wrong withme, but I get it to an extent,
but I don't.
I don't understand.
You know where you werespecifically, but I can only
imagine how horrible, horrible.
(33:01):
So if you are, if you're outthere and you're feeling that
way, I mean I just think youcould be such a great
nonjudgmental safe resource agreat, nonjudgmental, safe,
absolutely resource uh, 100 Iwould be.
Speaker 3 (33:21):
I didn't have that at all.
Like I said, I think when Ireally think about what would
have influenced me to be able tostep out and start healing um,
it would have been to be able tosit down with someone who's
been through it, and it is ashameful thing.
It's something when I think atthe moment, like I knew I was
hiding, I knew I was lying, Iknew I was trying to avoid going
(33:43):
to different things because Ididn't want to have to be faced
with a bunch of junk and alcoholand this and that and I would
not go Like it's.
I think about it now.
Speaker 2 (33:53):
It makes me so sad didn't you ever just want,
though, like, like, I would justbe so sad.
Speaker 3 (33:59):
Like I just would want the like, the Tommy's pizza
, oh, oh, carrie, there were afew times that I went and when I
did go, like so youoverindulged, and then I would
overindulge and I would feellike absolute garbage the next
day and I would totallyoverindulge.
That happened a couple of times, never to the point where I got
(34:20):
sick or made myself sick oranything like that.
I would just feel like crap andthen I'd be like I'm not eating
breakfast today.
I definitely can't Not afterthat.
Speaker 2 (34:30):
But that's what it leads to, right?
Because I do think that, like,no matter what, we're all human
beings you know you have tosatisfy certain things in your
life and if you don't, and youkeep putting that in this little
container, eventuallysomething's going to break and
then you're going to just gocompletely the opposite
direction.
Then, unfortunately, somepeople do purge because they
can't handle that.
(34:51):
Yeah, absolutely.
Now you're just spin, spin inthis crazy direction of just
nothing good, no it's nothinggood, and that's my now looking
back.
Speaker 3 (34:59):
Such a fear is with my kids, and specifically my
daughter.
Like I'm, like I, that runsthrough my head all the time
that I don't want her to have toexperience that and I want her
to be able to.
I don't want fear of any sortof food or anything.
I just and restrictive.
(35:20):
I will do anything to not havethat with with my daughter, with
my friends, daughters, you know, like I know it, it, it lives
in males too.
Speaker 2 (35:30):
It's not just females , it's.
It's a problem, and I know itlives in males too, it does.
Speaker 3 (35:33):
It's not just females it's a problem, and I know a
handful of males that it hasbeen a problem.
Speaker 2 (35:38):
But, once again, for the men it's harder to talk
about because it's like oh wait,this is for women.
It's emasculating, and so it'sharder for a man to step forward
, 100%, you know.
But of course it's a humanthing, it's a human condition.
Speaker 3 (35:50):
But of course, it's a human thing, it's a human
condition.
And now, the biggest thing Ithink I don't know why this just
popped into my head, but Ithink we were talking about the
Apple Watch, and I think aboutall of this now and actually
something that someone said tome after the infertility series
came out was someone I knowapproached me and said oh my
(36:13):
gosh, I had no idea that you'vedealt with that.
I, I'm so sorry, I'm so likethank you for sharing your story
, you know, and they were likeyou really lost your period,
like for a long time.
And I'm like, yes, for years,for years.
And now it's so funny becausepeople are like, oh shit, I got
(36:37):
my period.
I am overjoyed every time I getmy period, like I'm so happy.
I'm so happy because I'm likethat's just another piece that
I'm like I we good, yeah, wewent through it, we did it, we
(36:58):
did it girl.
Speaker 2 (36:59):
Yeah, we did it again Like we're.
We're doing it.
It's like a reminder, it is.
Speaker 3 (37:03):
And it just happened last week, which is why I was
like yeah, good for you.
And I'm like I love it and I'lltell my husband like I got my
period and I'm like I love itand I'll tell my husband like I
got my period, I'm sorry.
Speaker 2 (37:13):
He's like yeah, I know, I knew that a week ago.
Speaker 3 (37:15):
Honey, they're on to the PMS and he actually was like
yeah, but it's like for me now,like it, it brings me so much
joy.
I welcome the cramps, it's fine, no.
Speaker 2 (37:32):
I know I feel you, I totally feel you.
Well, I just again you're verybrave.
Thank you.
I'm so, so happy that you camein.
Thank, you.
And, like we talked aboutbefore, you know, with SOS, we
knew, yeah, and we'd had lots ofdiscussions I think maybe
Courtney might have even reachedout to you because we were
always very caring and aware ofthe clients and what they were
(37:55):
going through.
So that's why I had a littlemeltdown in here.
Yeah, it hit me in like a verystrange way, like I wasn't
expecting.
Speaker 3 (38:04):
Well, I actually remember really vividly when
Courtney reached out to me andagain I hid, that's what I did I
was like, oh, it's who knowswhat.
You know, courtney, man, she'sa good one, she's a real one,
yeah, but I will say that thosethose things like again little
(38:28):
nuggets, right, like they allstarted adding up, and between
that and I would think back like, okay, like I had this in
exchange with this person.
I had this exchange with thisperson and even somebody at work
like my old boss, who he's aboss, but he, you know,
(38:51):
sometimes you have a manager,that's a friend and he was going
through some shit at the sametime that I was and we knew we
were both going through someshit.
Um, and we had this really bigdinner for work and it was when
I was starting to heal and I waspretty honest with him about
what was going on and he knewand it's really silly, it sounds
(39:17):
really silly but the next daywe came into work and he came
into my office and he shut thedoor and he knew what I was
going through and he was likeI'm so proud of you, like you
just were present last night andyou had dinner, and you, I
could tell like you were justyou're working on it And'm like
I am, and that was hard, but I'mmaking progress.
And he was like I see it.
I saw it like you're doing sowell, and so those are the
(39:41):
things that they build upon, um,and then, once this you know
piece started with trying tohave kids.
That's just what did it for me.
Speaker 2 (39:55):
Well, amber, I love you.
Yeah, I too am very proud ofyou.
I think this is remarkable,that you have come on here again
, and it's a vulnerable, scarything to share.
But man, so badass, thank you,so badass.
And if you're out there andyou're, you know, listening and
you've got an issue, or you knowsomeone who has an issue,
whatever is going on, if this iskind of making your stomach
(40:18):
turn a little bit or maybelighting some kind of fire
inside of you, you can reach out.
Reach out to me, dm me.
I promise you it's a safe space.
No one's got to know.
Nope, I'm like a vault and Ican get you to the right person.
Amber, you know, you can reachout to her directly but, we are
here to, you know, add value andto make people feel less alone
(40:38):
and to really bring out theultimate badassery inside of you
.
Everybody's got one,everybody's got one, and
sometimes life and shit andcircumstances kind of covers it
up a little bit.
But I'll be damned if we're notgoing to mine for it together
and get that badass like back onthe track.
Back on track, so just considerus a resource and again, just
(41:01):
reach out.
Thank you, you're the best wecome back.
I want you to be a cameo, yeah.
And then I'll see you at thislittle Bohindi gathering we got
going on, you're the best, soare this little bohindi
gathering we got.
Going on, you're the best, soare you.
Thank you, and if you're stillout there following your girl,
follow me on youtube, spotify,apple or wherever you get your
podcast.
And until next time, keepmoving, baby.
I'm telling you you're gonnahelp a lot of people.
It's gonna happen.
(41:22):
I mean, you already are.
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