May 8, 2025 • 43 mins
Kindness truly matters when it comes to supporting our LGBTQ+ loved ones - especially in today's climate of increasing anti-queer legislation. In this eye-opening conversation, Jennifer Boudrye, founder of Queer Allyship, shares her wisdom on how parents can navigate their child's coming out journey with compassion and understanding.
Jennifer's path to advocacy began through personal connections and compassion. After years in education witnessing the struggles of queer youth firsthand, she now dedicates her life to empowering parents who may feel unprepared when their child comes out. Her approach is refreshingly straightforward yet deeply empathetic: "If your religion is leading you to hate anyone, you're doing it wrong."
The most illuminating moments come when Jennifer breaks down complex concepts into relatable examples. She explains gender identity with a brilliant analogy—asking how someone knows they're right-handed. The answer? It simply feels natural. Gender identity works the same way. People know who they are because it feels right, not because of physical characteristics.
Jennifer skillfully dispels dangerous myths about transgender care for youth, clarifying that gender-affirming care for minors primarily involves social affirmation and, in some cases, reversible medical interventions—all under careful medical supervision. The heartbreaking reality that only 40% of LGBTQ+ youth feel safe in their own homes underscores why her work is so essential.
Whether you're a parent whose child has recently come out, an educator seeking to create safer spaces, or simply someone who wants to be a better ally, this conversation offers practical wisdom and compassionate guidance. As Jennifer reminds us, we all have the power to make our communities safer through understanding and acceptance.
Listen, learn, and join us in creating a world where kindness isn't just a concept—it's how we treat each other every day. How will you show up as an ally for the LGBTQ+ people in your life?
If you're looking for facts to counter your friends when they say hurtful things about the LGBTQ community and Trans kids here are a few.
Seven Facts about Transgender people you probably didn't know.
Mayo Clinic facts about being Transgender.
Facts about Transgender People playing school sports.
This podcast is a proud member of the Mayday Media Network. If you have an idea for a podcast and need some production assistance or have a podcast and are looking for a supportive network to join, check out maydaymedianetwork.com.
Like what you hear on the podcast? Follow our social media for more uplifting, inspirational and feel-good content.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Well, hello there and welcome.
You are listening to theKindness Matters podcast and I
am your host, mike Rathbun.
What is this podcast all about?
It's about kindness.
It's a pushback againsteverything negative that we see
in the news and on social mediatoday, and it's a way to
(00:20):
highlight people, organizationsthat are simply striving to make
their little corner of theworld a little better place.
If you want to join in on theconversation, feel free, Go
ahead and follow us on all ofyour social media feeds.
We're on Facebook, instagram,tiktok.
We're even on LinkedIn underMike Rathbun.
(00:43):
Check us out.
We're even on LinkedIn underMike Rathbun.
Check us out and, in themeantime, so sit back, relax,
enjoy and we'll get into theKindness Matters podcast.
Hello everybody, and welcome tothe Kindness Matters podcast.
I am your host, mike Rathbun.
Thank you so much for joiningus for this episode, for taking
(01:04):
a half hour out of your day tolisten to myself and my guest.
This episode is a rebroadcast ofan episode that I did in
February of 2024.
My guest is Jennifer Beaudry,who is the founder of Queer
(01:29):
Allyship.
Jennifer specializes incompassionately empowering
individuals to gain a deepawareness of LGBTQ plus
identities by providing specifictools and fostering
transformative mindset shifts.
She respectfully guides them ontheir journey to becoming the
affirming and empathetic alliesthat the queer community
rightfully deserves.
When this episode first cameout last February, there were a
(01:51):
few mentions of the queercommunity, and especially the
trans community, but as the yearmoved forward, that talk turned
ugly and pervasive Politicianslooking for a way to mobilize
their base made trans folks outto be the boogeyman, claiming
that so-called biological menI'm using air quotes there were
(02:15):
infiltrating girls' and women'ssports in high school and
college, despite the fact thatthe president of the NCAA,
charlie Baker, testified beforeCongress that he knew of less
than 10 trans student-athletesin college sports out of over
half a million athletes.
These days, you can't scrollthrough social media without
(02:37):
seeing someone bemoaning thepresence of again, air quotes
biological men in theirdaughter's locker room without
evidence.
While this episode is about theLGBTQIA community in general and
Jennifer's work helping parentsto come to grips with their
child coming out, I think it'san important reminder to all of
(02:59):
us that people in the queercommunity are human beings that
deserve the same love andrespect that we all ask for.
In the show notes of thisepisode, you'll find Jennifer's
links and also links to thetruth about trans people in
sports.
Let's spread truth and love,not hate and lies.
Enjoy the show.
(03:20):
So, jennifer, you as thefounder and CEO of Parent with
Care.
Your role is specificallyhelping parents.
I'm going to mess this up, Ijust know I am.
I want to say come to termswith their child coming out as
(03:43):
queer, it really is.
Speaker 2 (03:46):
So I talk about helping people to overcome their
misunderstanding and fear ofLGBTQ identity right.
Speaker 1 (03:58):
Yeah, okay, but you're there primarily
supporting parents, correct?
Speaker 2 (04:04):
I do.
Most of my work is supportingparents.
I also do work withorganizations and companies and
other folks a lot of people inthe education world, because we
are all living in a world where7% of our population is queer
and there are a lot of peoplewho don't understand, but my
focus is really, truly, is queer, and there are a lot of people
(04:27):
who don't understand, but my, myfocus is really, truly I, my
goal is to make the world safeand affirming for all people,
and when I find that peopleparents especially of lgbtq
folks don't understand, I'mgoing to start there, because it
starts at home yeah for sure.
Speaker 1 (04:42):
But now you you didn't always.
I mean, you didn't just wake upin your teens and go.
I'm gonna advocate for parentsof queer kids where, uh what?
What was your journey from tohere?
Speaker 2 (04:59):
every time I do this, I try to make it shorter and
I'm not being really successful.
Speaker 1 (05:04):
So take as long as you need.
Speaker 2 (05:06):
Go with it.
So a million years ago Istarted having my own children
and in 1996, I was the producerand host of a radio talk show
called Discovering Kids inWilmington, delaware, and I was
featuring community resourcesfor parents and families.
And then I moved back toMontgomery County, maryland,
(05:29):
which was my hometown, and thenI had three children trying to
figure out like where all thethings were for them to do, and
so I created a resourcedirectory called Family Net
Source, which I ran for severalyears.
And then there was this timewhere I realized like health
insurance and regular hours weregood when you had kids.
So I went back to school andgot a master's in library
(05:51):
science and worked as a schoollibrarian for 17 plus years.
Four of those years I was thedirector of library programs for
DC public schools.
And then I got to a point I wasworking public schools.
And then I got to a point um, Iwas working.
Uh, my children obviously hadgrown and gotten older.
(06:11):
Um, and I was working for anall girls boarding school.
Oh, the same as the director oflibrary.
Um, and then, at the same, timeyeah at the same time I was um
doing a lot of advocacy work inthe LGBTQ space world.
My own son is a very proudbisexual man and I'm also the
(06:32):
bonus mom to a trans man.
So I'd been working with alocal nonprofit doing a lot of
work on training and educatingand advocacy and, at the same
time, working in this all-girlsschool.
I had several students who wereno longer identifying as female
, so I became the go-to personwith all things DEI being around
LGBTQ plus and got to a pointwhere the school really couldn't
(06:59):
, wasn't comfortable placingthemselves, like defining what
is girl right.
So I ended up in a situationwhere I had a group of advisees,
as most educators do, and I hadone student who was not
identifying as female, and I hadanother student whose mother
was a very, very rabidanti-LGBTQ cross person.
(07:22):
And I just said I can't.
The cognitive dissonance wasjust too too painful.
So I stepped back and realizedI wanted to do something
different with the next chapterof my life and I literally
Googled because I'm a librarianIs parent coaching a thing?
Right?
Because, I thinking back to myentire career, everything had
(07:43):
always been about connectingpeople with information and
resources.
Parenting yeah, I'm verypassionate about trying to
parent, well, knowing that Idon't always, often.
Speaker 1 (07:57):
Who does really?
Speaker 2 (07:59):
always try to, because nobody teaches us right.
So parent coaching is a thing.
So in in between, I had alsogotten a master's in educational
leadership.
So as an academic, I'm like Ineed another, you know,
certification, something.
So I went to the Jai Institutefor Parenting and became a
certified parent coach, startedworking as a parent coach and
(08:20):
realized that the folks that Iwas connecting with the most and
one of the greatest needs wasparents whose kids were coming
out, who may have been or mayhave felt that they were allies,
but didn't understand what thiswas, or were completely shocked
and taken aback by the factthat their child was now
identifying as queer.
(08:40):
Like what is this?
Speaker 1 (08:41):
yeah, because it's one thing to say you're an ally
and you can.
You can have those feelings,but it's kind of different when
it's your own child, isn't it?
Speaker 2 (08:50):
yeah, when it comes home it changes things you, you,
why, you know?
Speaker 1 (09:00):
um, you impress of me as one of those people and I
always admire people like this,because I am not one like that
who looks around the world andgoes what do we need?
Well, we need this.
Is there anybody doing that?
(09:21):
No, there is anybody doing that.
No, there is nobody doing that.
I'll do it.
Is that kind of describe howyou were?
Speaker 2 (09:30):
I happen to have a T-shirt I'm not wearing it today
, but I have a T-shirt that saysChangemaker and I often find
myself in situations where Iwill stand back and, you know,
throw the grenade and then watchthings blow up and figure out
how to help fix it.
Speaker 1 (09:46):
Some people just want to watch the world burn.
Speaker 2 (09:48):
Yeah, I don't want to watch it burn I want to fix it
before it burns.
Speaker 1 (09:53):
Right.
Speaker 2 (09:54):
And so, yeah, I really I do feel like this is a
part again as an ally.
Right, I am a cisgender,heterosexual white woman.
I can look at the world from aplace of privilege and recognize
that it's my job to help peoplewho are in a marginalized
(10:14):
scenario, to be able to educateand give space people, you know,
the space for people to feeltheir feelings about things and
explore why we have thesebeliefs and then, you know,
really truly shift people tobecoming enthusiastic allies
(10:35):
yeah it and I'm.
Speaker 1 (10:38):
I'm probably because I am also the parent of a trans
man and a gay man, and you know,I say I'm an ally.
I do my little posting onFacebook that says I'm an ally.
I've never been to a Prideevent.
(10:58):
So, not being like a Republicanin name only, I'm an ally in
name only, Ain't no, I don'tknow.
I love my kids and really Imean that's what it all boils
down to right, Absolutely.
Speaker 2 (11:15):
And I want to say not everyone.
Allyship is a verb, right, weare active allies.
For some people, that is beingthat active, supportive ally for
your child, and that can be allit is, and that is huge.
Other people are going to goout and, you know, wear rainbows
(11:35):
all the time and then blow itall up everywhere.
I am not.
I'm not, you know.
I wear a rainbow wristband onmy watch, but I am not dressed
top to bottom in rainbows.
Speaker 1 (11:49):
Right.
Speaker 2 (11:55):
And so I want everyone like there is no
specific way to be an ally forwhoever it is that is being
targeted, whether it's in aconversation or at your kid's
school there are ways to do itthat are within your comfort
level.
Speaker 1 (12:13):
So now do parents come to you as a coach and say,
okay, my kid is queer, or Ithink my kid is queer.
What can I do?
I'm not sure about this.
You have an amazing and I mayjust link.
There'll be a link in the shownotes to your website, but in
(12:37):
your blog you had a fantasticarticle and it was titled I
Don't Want my Kid to Be Queer,and it was so powerful to read
that I'm guessing that was areal client.
Yeah it was.
And just folks, if you everwanted to know what it looks
(12:59):
like to think your child isqueer and not know where to go
for help, to think your child isqueer and not know where to go
for help, and then to findsomebody who can walk you
through that and discover thesteps that need to be taken,
right, Because you had to gothrough.
Okay, what's your real fear?
(13:21):
What are you really afraid of?
And I'm not going to spoil thearticle because I think
everybody should read it, but itwas just fantastic.
So they come to you and theysay help, Are there a lot?
Speaker 2 (13:40):
Yeah, you know, you figure it is again.
7% of the population is queer.
It's not a small amount.
No, and the percentages aregreater for Gen Z right, and I
think one of the things that Iwant to make clear is it's not
that all of a sudden there areall of these queer kids right,
(14:01):
or that social media is makingthem queer.
I think, what's happening isthat we have a lot more language
to explain all of this.
We have a lot more visibilityof LGBTQ plus people in media
and other spaces.
So there is, in some places, alot more acceptance and
(14:23):
affirmation some places, a lotmore acceptance and affirmation,
right.
So in a lot more places, kidsfeel more free and right.
We are, as human animals, builtto put things in boxes and to
label things.
It makes us right, makes usknow how to operate in the world
, and I think there are a lot ofkids that are like you know
(14:45):
what.
I'm not really sure about thoseboxes I don't have any of these
boxes?
Maybe I make up my own right,and so I think there is it's
just a more of a freedom and Ihave an analogy that we get I'll
get to when we, when we discuss, like, maybe, if we get to,
what is gender identity and howdo they know?
(15:06):
But I think it is reallyimportant for people to realize
this is not a new thing.
It's just that we have moreawareness and unfortunately it's
become such a hot buttonpolitical issue, which it should
never be.
There's a lot more visibilityabout the whole topic I know,
(15:28):
and it does seem that especiallyokay.
Speaker 1 (15:31):
Let's take trans and transgenderism, for example.
When I was growing up, okay,boomer, you know nobody, nobody.
It was funny when Tom Hanks andPito Scolari dressed up as
girls to get into that apartment.
(15:53):
Nobody batted an eye, but thatwas.
It was comedy and it was donefor that, and we didn't maybe
even know anybody in our realworld who and weren't
transgender.
They did that for a specificperson.
They were dressing in drag.
I should say that.
But growing up I didn't knowanybody who was transgender.
(16:17):
And now it seems like and Ithink that's the key there it
seems like every time you turnaround, somebody's coming out as
another gender yeah, so I thinkit's important for folks to
understand that, from apsychological standpoint, kids
(16:37):
know their own gender by aboutage three.
Okay, that explains a lot, yeah.
Speaker 2 (16:44):
Then you get a lot of messaging right From the world
that says you're boy or girl?
Yes, and so kids are eithergoing to be supported if they're
, if they're born, if they'reidentified as one gender and
they believe that they are adifferent gender, they'll either
be supported in that or notright, they might vocalize it,
(17:05):
or they might not.
They'll either be supported inthat or not, right, they might
vocalize it, or they might not.
And so there is a lot of socialconditioning and I want to give
an example.
This is one of my stories thatI repeat, so if people have
heard me other places, they willhave heard this.
But, as I mentioned, I am themom bonus mom to a transgender
man and, first of all, he didnot transition and start his
(17:25):
transition until, I think, age26.
Speaker 1 (17:28):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (17:28):
Because he honestly didn't know that it was an
option, right?
So he's now 35, 34, 35, and ismarried and his wife and he have
a child and his wife is acisgender woman and when she was
pregnant she came back with thesonogram one day and he was so
excited to say it's a boy and myimmediate response was is it
(17:54):
Because, even as a transgenderman, he was automatically like
penis means boy, penis means boyand I think of all people you
know that that doesn'tnecessarily mean, and I think
this is where you know we haveto get into a little bit of the
definition.
I think of gender identityversus sexual identity, right?
(18:16):
So sexual identity is what thedoctor declares, it is, what is.
You know, what we see, thegenitalia and what you know, if
they do anything further andlooking at chromosomes and all
of that.
That's your sexual identity.
That is what you were assignedat birth.
Your gender identity is who youknow yourself to be.
And, mike, this is where I willask you know, the question I
(18:38):
ask when I'm explaining this isMike, are you left-handed or
right-handed?
Speaker 1 (18:44):
I'm right-handed.
Speaker 2 (18:45):
How do you know?
Speaker 1 (18:47):
Because I've always used my right hand.
Speaker 2 (18:50):
It's just what comes naturally, right I can't write
legibly with my left hand.
You can't.
It would feel really weird if Iinsisted.
If you broke your right arm,you would feel really strange
trying to write with your lefthand.
Speaker 1 (19:00):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (19:01):
It is that innate sense.
You know yourself to beright-handed because it feels
(19:22):
right.
Gender identity is the same.
I would have to make a decisionof whether or not I'm going to
share that with anyone, or whatdoes that mean?
There's a whole process ofcoming to terms with that.
Speaker 1 (19:33):
Yeah, I guess I don't know my transgender son's
journey.
I mean, I do.
Obviously.
I was there for part of it, butI think a lot of it was hidden
from me.
I remember he hated to have hishair messed with Because in his
(19:54):
former life he would have tobrush the hair every day.
Or you know, here, put on thisdress, look cute, look like
something that you're not.
It basically is what it boileddown to, and he never really
expressed that to me until theday he came out, and he was 21
when he came out.
Speaker 2 (20:12):
Yeah, and he may not have had the language.
I have a good friend who cameout, who decided to transition
at age 55.
Speaker 1 (20:21):
Oh, my goodness.
Speaker 2 (20:22):
And, as a transgender female, she now looks back at
her entire life and it was like,oh well, duh right.
It was there, we just weren'tpaying attention.
And that's where I talk aboutthat social conditioning and
when working with parents, it'sreally it's again the messaging
that we give our kids and Ialways talk about.
(20:45):
I always start out with workingwith intrinsic bias, like what
are the beliefs that we havethat we aren't even aware we
have?
And when my son, my, my, my biguy, um, was growing up, he knew
, you know, I'm of that era ofpick a team right, you're either
gay or straight, I don't carewhat you are, you're fine.
Speaker 1 (21:05):
Love y'all.
Speaker 2 (21:07):
And he had that messaging on forever.
And when he was 19, he came outin an article or an op-ed for
his college newspaper inresponse to being called the F
slur on campus.
And in that article he came outas bisexual and I was like oh
what, I don't know what.
That is Right, he's now 27.
(21:29):
So clearly I've done some workand done some research and
learning and now I completelyunderstand it.
No-transcript.
Speaker 1 (22:13):
Yeah, and I've told this story and I've told it of
that year and I said probablyone of the most hateful things
(22:36):
you could say to somebody in hissituation.
I said, well, first of all Isaid I love you, which is a good
first step, and then Icompletely trashed all.
I said I love you, which is agood first step, and then I
completely trashed it when Isaid, great, now I've lost my
mother and my daughter.
Speaker 2 (22:53):
And even now saying it.
Speaker 1 (22:54):
It's just like I kind of want to you know and I
apologize later, obviously, andbut I think it still sticks with
him we make mistakes and I knowit was a mistake and I've
apologized for it but yeah.
Speaker 2 (23:12):
It's out there it is You're a human and this is you
know it is never, ever, ever toolate to repair Right.
The other person may not acceptit, but you can always go back
and explain.
You know, it's my Angela's.
Do the best you can until youknow better.
And when you know better, youdo better.
Speaker 1 (23:33):
Do better, right?
Yeah, for sure.
But this, this, what you do, Ithink Jennifer Takes on a lot
more importance these days.
Takes on a lot more importancethese days just because there
seems to be a lot more focus onthe community.
(23:58):
As my good friend, jillianAbbey author of what Damn it now
I'm not going to remember herbook, anyway she wrote a book oh
, Perfectly, queer is the nameof her book and I had her on
this show earlier last year andshe's a legit bit of qua and I
(24:20):
don't know.
Queer may be easier than that,but there is so much hate
focused on that community andmaybe specifically the trans
community and I.
So what you do is veryimportant and so needed these
(24:41):
days.
I mean how many.
I saw a stat, and I'm not goingto remember right now the
number of bills that wereintroduced just last year in all
over the United States.
Speaker 2 (24:55):
Just this year.
Okay, we're recording this inthe middle of February of 2024
and there have been over 500bills introduced.
Oh my gosh, in the first monthand a half of the new year.
And that it is.
Yeah, that's why I do this work.
Um, it is I.
(25:19):
I really have a hard timewrapping my head around the why
uh, yeah you know, and I I tellpeople and I I approach parents
and anyone where I'm havingthese conversations with you
know, starting out with help meunderstand how you came to this
belief Right.
Oftentimes, you know, and againit is that social conditioning
(25:41):
Right, and so I try to dismantleand pull apart as many of the
false beliefs as I can, part asmany of the false beliefs as I
can, and we often get to a placewhere it's, you know, people
will pull the religion card towhich I respond.
One of my daughters is aLutheran pastor and my
(26:07):
son-in-law, her husband, is aPresbyterian pastor and I have
it on their good authority andthey went to one of the most
prestigious seminaries in thecountry.
That God loves everyone.
Period the end.
Speaker 1 (26:17):
And we're supposed to do the same.
Speaker 2 (26:19):
Yep, yep.
Speaker 1 (26:21):
And I'm pretty sure that Go ahead.
Speaker 2 (26:25):
If your religion is leading you to hate anyone,
you're doing it wrong.
Speaker 1 (26:30):
Amen to that.
See, I don't have a t-shirt allover the place.
Is it a rainbow t-shirt?
Just a thought, okay.
So let's try to educate here.
Let's talk about some of themisinformation or lies that are
(26:55):
spread about the transgendercommunity.
Oftentimes you will hearsomebody say they're mutilating
the children, and that's nottrue.
Speaker 2 (27:08):
Nope.
So gender affirming care,especially when it comes to
children, there are differentaspects of gender affirming care
.
Okay, there is socialaffirmation, medical, legal and
surgical all separate things.
Okay, right.
So when you are, when we talkabout gender affirming care for
(27:30):
a child, we're talking aboutsocial, we're talking about
respecting the name that theyhave chosen, respecting the
pronouns that they have told youthat they are Right.
So it is believe who your childtells you that they are in this
moment, because it could change, right, so you have to go with
the flow.
Yes so no one is advocating forsurgery for children, period
(27:55):
zero.
Nobody is right when it comesto medical gender affirming.
Care right.
We're talking about, first ofall, puberty blockers.
Puberty blockers have literallyjust put a pause on puberty.
It's just a hold.
Speaker 1 (28:11):
Right.
Speaker 2 (28:13):
They have been used for decades on children who have
precocious puberty.
Children, you know, littlegirls, who are getting their
period at age seven, eight.
Speaker 1 (28:23):
Oh dear.
Speaker 2 (28:24):
So it's really early.
Speaker 1 (28:26):
I've never heard the phrase precocious puberty.
Speaker 2 (28:28):
Yeah, so it's.
It is literally just wait.
We're going to hold on for aminute because the rest of the
body and the brain has todevelop.
So the safety record for thesemedications is very, very well
established.
Speaker 1 (28:41):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (28:42):
All we're saying is if you have a child who
consistently and persistentlyhas identified as transgender
puberty blockersers, give youthat time okay for their brains
to develop.
Is this the correct path?
Then there is the possibilityof shifting into surgical
(29:05):
gender-affirming care when theyare of age, when they are adults
right, 18 or older 18 or older18 or older and the reason that
it's really super important forthe puberty blockers piece.
and in between there is hormonalcare.
So if you are identifying asmale, you may, at age 14, 16, be
(29:28):
given testosterone or, ifyou're a female, estrogen so
that you go through the correctgender puberty.
Because if you have I'm goingto stick with transgender female
if you have a transgenderfemale so assigned male at birth
and they go through a male,traditional, normal male puberty
, they're going to physicallychange right.
(29:50):
Their voice is going to changethe Adam's apple, the face
structure is going to change.
It is much more difficult forsomeone who has gone through
that puberty stage to transitionand feel completely comfortable
feeling as feminine as theywant to be right, so that the
puberty blockers just put apause on that development, so
(30:12):
that the person can continue todevelop as the gender that they
know themselves to be.
Speaker 1 (30:19):
Okay, so how long does that normally?
How long is that pause?
It can be indefinite, or itcould be.
Speaker 2 (30:27):
I mean, it's a few years you're going to want again
socially, right?
So if you have a child, that'syou know.
Hopefully again you're workingvery closely with psychologists,
psychiatrists, medical doctors,right?
Nobody is.
Speaker 1 (30:39):
You can't go and can't go to CVS and get this
stuff happens without theparents being involved, a if
they're a minor, and medicaldoctors and psychologists.
It's all very closelycoordinated.
(31:00):
This is not just on a whim.
Some kid wakes up in themorning and goes I'm a girl,
nope, and we run down to CVS andpick up some meds for it.
Speaker 2 (31:13):
Yeah, it is a very long, very methodical, very well
supervised process.
Speaker 1 (31:21):
Yes.
Speaker 2 (31:21):
So ideally you're going to be working with your
gender affirming team beforeyour child begins puberty and
there's many ways that they candetermine whether that's
happened or not.
So you start puberty blockersand then you're watching to see
like when is when?
Are the peers starting to gothrough puberty?
When is the child emotionallyready to go through puberty?
Speaker 1 (31:45):
Right.
Speaker 2 (31:46):
And then you'll switch to, you know, the
hormonal therapy, and, and justso, you, you know.
So, if you have, if you have anadult who has gone through
puberty right in their 20s, 30s,50s.
If they start going throughgender affirming hormone therapy
, they're gonna go through asecond puberty for the people,
for that gender, and it you knowwhat puberty is not fun.
(32:06):
So how about we just noopy'snot fun, so how about we just no
, it's not fun for anybody,nobody.
Speaker 1 (32:13):
Yeah, I know my son.
Yeah, he at the time that hetold me again he was 21.
And he had just I think rightafter he told me he started on
(32:39):
testosterone and it was yearsbefore he had top surgery and
another many years before he hadhis hysterectomy.
He hasn't had any other kindsof surgery since then.
But I mean he finally last yearhe finally got his name changed
.
Yeah, and his sex changed onhis, on his driver's license.
I was so happy for him.
It's wonderful.
So it's all becoming real.
Speaker 2 (32:56):
It is and I think it's.
It's so important for people tounderstand how affirming that
is.
And and when I tell parents andI, I don't focus as too much on
the scary statistics, becausethey are terrifying, right and
so every parent it is is afraidfor their kid.
but knowing that you have theability to literally save a
(33:20):
kid's life by doing some verysimple things, I I don't
understand why anyone you know Ihave a hard time with the
cognitive dissonance of peoplewho say you know, we want to
protect children, we want to doeverything right for kids.
We're worried about kids'mental health but are advocating
(33:44):
for laws and legislation andpolicy that puts kids in direct
harm.
Speaker 1 (33:53):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (33:54):
It's hard for me to get my head around You're
absolutely right.
Speaker 1 (33:56):
That would drive me nuts, because I don't work in
your situation every day.
I can't even imagine how,hearing that day in and day out,
the cognitive dissonance woulddrive me nuts.
So if you were going to testifybefore a state legislature that
(34:21):
was considering a bill, I don'tknow, to ban students from
using a bathroom other thantheir assigned sex at birth,
what would you say?
Stop, succinct.
Well, right to the point, verynicely done.
Speaker 2 (34:43):
Just don't right.
I mean again, I think you haveto break down.
What is the actual intent ofsuch a law?
Right, it is to keep peoplesafe.
So looking at having to getpeople to understand that sexual
predators are a whole differentcategory than somebody's sex or
(35:05):
gender right, and so a femaleis no more at risk, by having a
(35:34):
transgender woman in the samerestroom as she is, of having
then have single person allgender bathrooms right.
Let everyone have their ownspace.
So we need to disconnect genderand gender identity from sexual
behavior.
They're very different things.
And recognizing.
When you do start to dig intothe statistics and you find that
the person who is transgenderis at much higher risk of harm
(35:58):
physical, verbal, emotional harmthan any cisgender person
walking on this earth, yes, youstart to see the folly of that
type of legislation, right?
Yeah, absolutely, I go ahead.
You cannot legislate peoplefrom existing, so you cannot you
(36:22):
try, you can try.
But having laws that deny peopleaccess, deny people rights,
does not mean that those peopleare going to go away.
It just means that you arechoosing to make the world less
safe.
Speaker 1 (36:37):
Yeah, I was just trying to find it and I can't
find it now.
The Trevor Project is anamazing resource for queer
people, especially queer kids,but they had a stat you probably
have it about how manytransgender, just LGBTQI kids
(37:04):
felt threatened on a daily basis, Either in their school yeah, I
believe it's close to 60%, Um,and that the really scary thing
and again the reason I'm doingthis work is only 40% of queer
kids feel that their own home issafe and welcoming.
Speaker 2 (37:27):
So when it.
Yeah, so when people, when weget into the conversation about
you know, do parents have theright to know?
Right, should kids?
That was something else Iwanted to bring up.
Yeah so, yeah, there's another,another uh state legislator that
is trying to force teachers toout kids and I did a whole
(37:47):
training for the school, theschool resource officers in my
local district and they had thesame fear, like right, we've got
to tell the kids, the parents,because the parents need to know
.
And my response was do you knowfor certain that that parent is
safe to know?
To know, because if you have achild that says to you, you know
(38:12):
, my parent is going to kill meor my parent is going to throw
me out, you need to take thatseriously.
That may be the actual truth.
Speaker 1 (38:27):
And so by letting that parent know you have
condemned that child to harm.
Yeah, because it's not like youknow a say oh, I wrecked the
car or I ding the car.
My dad's gonna kill me in thisparticular instance they may be.
Speaker 2 (38:40):
That might not be hyperbole, no, no, it is.
You know, a majority of thehome unhomed youth are queer and
are out there because parentshave rejected them.
Speaker 1 (38:51):
Because they are no longer welcome in their home.
Yep, because of who they are.
Speaker 2 (38:56):
Yeah, so I recommend.
So I'll just you know when wetalk about, when people share.
You know the kids share theinformation, and I think it's
important for educators to takea couple of steps.
One is to say thank you fortrusting me with this
information, right?
The second thing is who knowsand who can't know?
(39:18):
Right, you understand wherethat child is in their lives.
And then the third is what canI do to help you and support you
right now?
That child might need you to bethe one that helps them tell
their parent.
They might be the one that youknow they might need the
resources of you know, ahomeless shelter, so that they
(39:40):
feel they can tell their parentsand they can leave and be safe.
They might need you to keepthat a secret for now.
Right, there's a lot ofdifferent ways to approach it,
but I think for me, even whenworking with parents, the child
is the one that needs to beprotected and cared for.
Speaker 1 (40:01):
Yeah, and everybody says that, but not everybody's
doing it.
Yeah, and I'll tell you what ifyou are a teacher or an
educator of some sort and achild comes out to you, kudos to
you, because you must be doingsomething right.
Yeah, that they feel safeenough to do that with you.
(40:22):
Yeah, so, jennifer, I could goon and on and on.
I really could.
Speaker 2 (40:31):
I appreciate it.
Speaker 1 (40:32):
Because this is such an important topic and obviously
it's dear to my heart, I'm soglad that my kids did not have
well, I don't know about all ofthem, but at least the one I
don't think he may have beenquestioning at the time, but it
(40:52):
wasn't public knowledge, so anybullying he got at school was
regular old bullying, not Don'teven get me started.
Speaker 2 (41:02):
None of it's good yeah.
Speaker 1 (41:04):
Not about his, not about it, yeah, not about that.
So, but God bless you for whatyou do, jennifer.
I think it's so great and I'mso in.
Yeah, not about that, so, butGod bless you for what you do,
jennifer.
I think it's so great and I'mso in awe of you, and I so
appreciate you taking a fewminutes to come on and talk to
me about it.
I'm going to have you back, forsure.
Speaker 2 (41:23):
Oh, I love that.
I would love that Absolutely.
Speaker 1 (41:26):
Fantastic.
Thank you again.
I appreciate your time and Iappreciate what you do and keep
fighting the good fight.
Speaker 2 (41:35):
Thanks so much.
Speaker 1 (41:41):
I want to thank you for taking this time to listen
to this episode with my guest,jennifer Boudre.
I hope you're able to takesomething positive from the time
you spent with us.
As a reminder, all ofJennifer's links and some
factual links will be availablein the show notes.
If you took something positive,something inspiring, please
(42:05):
share it with your family andfriends.
It would mean the world to me.
I'm always striving to offeryou a better podcast, so give me
some feedback.
Let me know how you think I'mdoing.
You can email me, leave me amessage on my socials.
Feel free to follow us on allof our socials like Facebook,
instagram, linkedin and TicketyTalk and tickety-tock.
(42:31):
This podcast is part of theMayday Media Network.
If you have an idea for apodcast and need some production
assistance, or have a podcastor are looking for a supportive
network to join, check outmaydaymedianetworkcom and check
out the many different shows,like Afrocentric Spoil, my Movie
Generation Mixtape In a Pickleradio show, wake Up and Dream
(42:54):
with D'Anthony Palin, staxo, paxand the Time Pals.
We'll be back again next weekwith a new episode and we would
be honored if you would join us.
You've been listening to theKindness Matters podcast.
I'm your host, mike Rathbun.
Have a fantastic week you.
Well, hello there and welcome.
You are listening to theKindness Matters podcast and I
am your host, mike Rathbun.
What is this podcast all about?
It's about kindness.
It's a pushback againsteverything negative that we see
in the news and on social mediatoday, and it's a way to
(00:20):
highlight people, organizationsthat are simply striving to make
their little corner of theworld a little better place.
If you want to join in on theconversation, feel free, Go
ahead and follow us on all ofyour social media feeds.
We're on Facebook, instagram,tiktok.
We're even on LinkedIn underMike Rathbun.
(00:43):
Check us out.
We're even on LinkedIn underMike Rathbun.
Check us out and, in themeantime, so sit back, relax,
enjoy and we'll get into theKindness Matters podcast.
Hello everybody, and welcome tothe Kindness Matters podcast.
I am your host, mike Rathbun.
Thank you so much for joiningus for this episode, for taking
(01:04):
a half hour out of your day tolisten to myself and my guest.
This episode is a rebroadcast ofan episode that I did in
February of 2024.
My guest is Jennifer Beaudry,who is the founder of Queer
(01:29):
Allyship.
Jennifer specializes incompassionately empowering
individuals to gain a deepawareness of LGBTQ plus
identities by providing specifictools and fostering
transformative mindset shifts.
She respectfully guides them ontheir journey to becoming the
affirming and empathetic alliesthat the queer community
rightfully deserves.
When this episode first cameout last February, there were a
(01:51):
few mentions of the queercommunity, and especially the
trans community, but as the yearmoved forward, that talk turned
ugly and pervasive Politicianslooking for a way to mobilize
their base made trans folks outto be the boogeyman, claiming
that so-called biological menI'm using air quotes there were
(02:15):
infiltrating girls' and women'ssports in high school and
college, despite the fact thatthe president of the NCAA,
charlie Baker, testified beforeCongress that he knew of less
than 10 trans student-athletesin college sports out of over
half a million athletes.
These days, you can't scrollthrough social media without
(02:37):
seeing someone bemoaning thepresence of again, air quotes
biological men in theirdaughter's locker room without
evidence.
While this episode is about theLGBTQIA community in general and
Jennifer's work helping parentsto come to grips with their
child coming out, I think it'san important reminder to all of
(02:59):
us that people in the queercommunity are human beings that
deserve the same love andrespect that we all ask for.
In the show notes of thisepisode, you'll find Jennifer's
links and also links to thetruth about trans people in
sports.
Let's spread truth and love,not hate and lies.
Enjoy the show.
(03:20):
So, jennifer, you as thefounder and CEO of Parent with
Care.
Your role is specificallyhelping parents.
I'm going to mess this up, Ijust know I am.
I want to say come to termswith their child coming out as
(03:43):
queer, it really is.
Speaker 2 (03:46):
So I talk about helping people to overcome their
misunderstanding and fear ofLGBTQ identity right.
Speaker 1 (03:58):
Yeah, okay, but you're there primarily
supporting parents, correct?
Speaker 2 (04:04):
I do.
Most of my work is supportingparents.
I also do work withorganizations and companies and
other folks a lot of people inthe education world, because we
are all living in a world where7% of our population is queer
and there are a lot of peoplewho don't understand, but my
focus is really, truly, is queer, and there are a lot of people
(04:27):
who don't understand, but my, myfocus is really, truly I, my
goal is to make the world safeand affirming for all people,
and when I find that peopleparents especially of lgbtq
folks don't understand, I'mgoing to start there, because it
starts at home yeah for sure.
Speaker 1 (04:42):
But now you you didn't always.
I mean, you didn't just wake upin your teens and go.
I'm gonna advocate for parentsof queer kids where, uh what?
What was your journey from tohere?
Speaker 2 (04:59):
every time I do this, I try to make it shorter and
I'm not being really successful.
Speaker 1 (05:04):
So take as long as you need.
Speaker 2 (05:06):
Go with it.
So a million years ago Istarted having my own children
and in 1996, I was the producerand host of a radio talk show
called Discovering Kids inWilmington, delaware, and I was
featuring community resourcesfor parents and families.
And then I moved back toMontgomery County, maryland,
(05:29):
which was my hometown, and thenI had three children trying to
figure out like where all thethings were for them to do, and
so I created a resourcedirectory called Family Net
Source, which I ran for severalyears.
And then there was this timewhere I realized like health
insurance and regular hours weregood when you had kids.
So I went back to school andgot a master's in library
(05:51):
science and worked as a schoollibrarian for 17 plus years.
Four of those years I was thedirector of library programs for
DC public schools.
And then I got to a point I wasworking public schools.
And then I got to a point um, Iwas working.
Uh, my children obviously hadgrown and gotten older.
(06:11):
Um, and I was working for anall girls boarding school.
Oh, the same as the director oflibrary.
Um, and then, at the same, timeyeah at the same time I was um
doing a lot of advocacy work inthe LGBTQ space world.
My own son is a very proudbisexual man and I'm also the
(06:32):
bonus mom to a trans man.
So I'd been working with alocal nonprofit doing a lot of
work on training and educatingand advocacy and, at the same
time, working in this all-girlsschool.
I had several students who wereno longer identifying as female
, so I became the go-to personwith all things DEI being around
LGBTQ plus and got to a pointwhere the school really couldn't
(06:59):
, wasn't comfortable placingthemselves, like defining what
is girl right.
So I ended up in a situationwhere I had a group of advisees,
as most educators do, and I hadone student who was not
identifying as female, and I hadanother student whose mother
was a very, very rabidanti-LGBTQ cross person.
(07:22):
And I just said I can't.
The cognitive dissonance wasjust too too painful.
So I stepped back and realizedI wanted to do something
different with the next chapterof my life and I literally
Googled because I'm a librarianIs parent coaching a thing?
Right?
Because, I thinking back to myentire career, everything had
(07:43):
always been about connectingpeople with information and
resources.
Parenting yeah, I'm verypassionate about trying to
parent, well, knowing that Idon't always, often.
Speaker 1 (07:57):
Who does really?
Speaker 2 (07:59):
always try to, because nobody teaches us right.
So parent coaching is a thing.
So in in between, I had alsogotten a master's in educational
leadership.
So as an academic, I'm like Ineed another, you know,
certification, something.
So I went to the Jai Institutefor Parenting and became a
certified parent coach, startedworking as a parent coach and
(08:20):
realized that the folks that Iwas connecting with the most and
one of the greatest needs wasparents whose kids were coming
out, who may have been or mayhave felt that they were allies,
but didn't understand what thiswas, or were completely shocked
and taken aback by the factthat their child was now
identifying as queer.
(08:40):
Like what is this?
Speaker 1 (08:41):
yeah, because it's one thing to say you're an ally
and you can.
You can have those feelings,but it's kind of different when
it's your own child, isn't it?
Speaker 2 (08:50):
yeah, when it comes home it changes things you, you,
why, you know?
Speaker 1 (09:00):
um, you impress of me as one of those people and I
always admire people like this,because I am not one like that
who looks around the world andgoes what do we need?
Well, we need this.
Is there anybody doing that?
(09:21):
No, there is anybody doing that.
No, there is nobody doing that.
I'll do it.
Is that kind of describe howyou were?
Speaker 2 (09:30):
I happen to have a T-shirt I'm not wearing it today
, but I have a T-shirt that saysChangemaker and I often find
myself in situations where Iwill stand back and, you know,
throw the grenade and then watchthings blow up and figure out
how to help fix it.
Speaker 1 (09:46):
Some people just want to watch the world burn.
Speaker 2 (09:48):
Yeah, I don't want to watch it burn I want to fix it
before it burns.
Speaker 1 (09:53):
Right.
Speaker 2 (09:54):
And so, yeah, I really I do feel like this is a
part again as an ally.
Right, I am a cisgender,heterosexual white woman.
I can look at the world from aplace of privilege and recognize
that it's my job to help peoplewho are in a marginalized
(10:14):
scenario, to be able to educateand give space people, you know,
the space for people to feeltheir feelings about things and
explore why we have thesebeliefs and then, you know,
really truly shift people tobecoming enthusiastic allies
(10:35):
yeah it and I'm.
Speaker 1 (10:38):
I'm probably because I am also the parent of a trans
man and a gay man, and you know,I say I'm an ally.
I do my little posting onFacebook that says I'm an ally.
I've never been to a Prideevent.
(10:58):
So, not being like a Republicanin name only, I'm an ally in
name only, Ain't no, I don'tknow.
I love my kids and really Imean that's what it all boils
down to right, Absolutely.
Speaker 2 (11:15):
And I want to say not everyone.
Allyship is a verb, right, weare active allies.
For some people, that is beingthat active, supportive ally for
your child, and that can be allit is, and that is huge.
Other people are going to goout and, you know, wear rainbows
(11:35):
all the time and then blow itall up everywhere.
I am not.
I'm not, you know.
I wear a rainbow wristband onmy watch, but I am not dressed
top to bottom in rainbows.
Speaker 1 (11:49):
Right.
Speaker 2 (11:55):
And so I want everyone like there is no
specific way to be an ally forwhoever it is that is being
targeted, whether it's in aconversation or at your kid's
school there are ways to do itthat are within your comfort
level.
Speaker 1 (12:13):
So now do parents come to you as a coach and say,
okay, my kid is queer, or Ithink my kid is queer.
What can I do?
I'm not sure about this.
You have an amazing and I mayjust link.
There'll be a link in the shownotes to your website, but in
(12:37):
your blog you had a fantasticarticle and it was titled I
Don't Want my Kid to Be Queer,and it was so powerful to read
that I'm guessing that was areal client.
Yeah it was.
And just folks, if you everwanted to know what it looks
(12:59):
like to think your child isqueer and not know where to go
for help, to think your child isqueer and not know where to go
for help, and then to findsomebody who can walk you
through that and discover thesteps that need to be taken,
right, Because you had to gothrough.
Okay, what's your real fear?
(13:21):
What are you really afraid of?
And I'm not going to spoil thearticle because I think
everybody should read it, but itwas just fantastic.
So they come to you and theysay help, Are there a lot?
Speaker 2 (13:40):
Yeah, you know, you figure it is again.
7% of the population is queer.
It's not a small amount.
No, and the percentages aregreater for Gen Z right, and I
think one of the things that Iwant to make clear is it's not
that all of a sudden there areall of these queer kids right,
(14:01):
or that social media is makingthem queer.
I think, what's happening isthat we have a lot more language
to explain all of this.
We have a lot more visibilityof LGBTQ plus people in media
and other spaces.
So there is, in some places, alot more acceptance and
(14:23):
affirmation some places, a lotmore acceptance and affirmation,
right.
So in a lot more places, kidsfeel more free and right.
We are, as human animals, builtto put things in boxes and to
label things.
It makes us right, makes usknow how to operate in the world
, and I think there are a lot ofkids that are like you know
(14:45):
what.
I'm not really sure about thoseboxes I don't have any of these
boxes?
Maybe I make up my own right,and so I think there is it's
just a more of a freedom and Ihave an analogy that we get I'll
get to when we, when we discuss, like, maybe, if we get to,
what is gender identity and howdo they know?
(15:06):
But I think it is reallyimportant for people to realize
this is not a new thing.
It's just that we have moreawareness and unfortunately it's
become such a hot buttonpolitical issue, which it should
never be.
There's a lot more visibilityabout the whole topic I know,
(15:28):
and it does seem that especiallyokay.
Speaker 1 (15:31):
Let's take trans and transgenderism, for example.
When I was growing up, okay,boomer, you know nobody, nobody.
It was funny when Tom Hanks andPito Scolari dressed up as
girls to get into that apartment.
(15:53):
Nobody batted an eye, but thatwas.
It was comedy and it was donefor that, and we didn't maybe
even know anybody in our realworld who and weren't
transgender.
They did that for a specificperson.
They were dressing in drag.
I should say that.
But growing up I didn't knowanybody who was transgender.
(16:17):
And now it seems like and Ithink that's the key there it
seems like every time you turnaround, somebody's coming out as
another gender yeah, so I thinkit's important for folks to
understand that, from apsychological standpoint, kids
(16:37):
know their own gender by aboutage three.
Okay, that explains a lot, yeah.
Speaker 2 (16:44):
Then you get a lot of messaging right From the world
that says you're boy or girl?
Yes, and so kids are eithergoing to be supported if they're
, if they're born, if they'reidentified as one gender and
they believe that they are adifferent gender, they'll either
be supported in that or notright, they might vocalize it,
(17:05):
or they might not.
They'll either be supported inthat or not, right, they might
vocalize it, or they might not.
And so there is a lot of socialconditioning and I want to give
an example.
This is one of my stories thatI repeat, so if people have
heard me other places, they willhave heard this.
But, as I mentioned, I am themom bonus mom to a transgender
man and, first of all, he didnot transition and start his
(17:25):
transition until, I think, age26.
Speaker 1 (17:28):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (17:28):
Because he honestly didn't know that it was an
option, right?
So he's now 35, 34, 35, and ismarried and his wife and he have
a child and his wife is acisgender woman and when she was
pregnant she came back with thesonogram one day and he was so
excited to say it's a boy and myimmediate response was is it
(17:54):
Because, even as a transgenderman, he was automatically like
penis means boy, penis means boyand I think of all people you
know that that doesn'tnecessarily mean, and I think
this is where you know we haveto get into a little bit of the
definition.
I think of gender identityversus sexual identity, right?
(18:16):
So sexual identity is what thedoctor declares, it is, what is.
You know, what we see, thegenitalia and what you know, if
they do anything further andlooking at chromosomes and all
of that.
That's your sexual identity.
That is what you were assignedat birth.
Your gender identity is who youknow yourself to be.
And, mike, this is where I willask you know, the question I
(18:38):
ask when I'm explaining this isMike, are you left-handed or
right-handed?
Speaker 1 (18:44):
I'm right-handed.
Speaker 2 (18:45):
How do you know?
Speaker 1 (18:47):
Because I've always used my right hand.
Speaker 2 (18:50):
It's just what comes naturally, right I can't write
legibly with my left hand.
You can't.
It would feel really weird if Iinsisted.
If you broke your right arm,you would feel really strange
trying to write with your lefthand.
Speaker 1 (19:00):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (19:01):
It is that innate sense.
You know yourself to beright-handed because it feels
(19:22):
right.
Gender identity is the same.
I would have to make a decisionof whether or not I'm going to
share that with anyone, or whatdoes that mean?
There's a whole process ofcoming to terms with that.
Speaker 1 (19:33):
Yeah, I guess I don't know my transgender son's
journey.
I mean, I do.
Obviously.
I was there for part of it, butI think a lot of it was hidden
from me.
I remember he hated to have hishair messed with Because in his
(19:54):
former life he would have tobrush the hair every day.
Or you know, here, put on thisdress, look cute, look like
something that you're not.
It basically is what it boileddown to, and he never really
expressed that to me until theday he came out, and he was 21
when he came out.
Speaker 2 (20:12):
Yeah, and he may not have had the language.
I have a good friend who cameout, who decided to transition
at age 55.
Speaker 1 (20:21):
Oh, my goodness.
Speaker 2 (20:22):
And, as a transgender female, she now looks back at
her entire life and it was like,oh well, duh right.
It was there, we just weren'tpaying attention.
And that's where I talk aboutthat social conditioning and
when working with parents, it'sreally it's again the messaging
that we give our kids and Ialways talk about.
(20:45):
I always start out with workingwith intrinsic bias, like what
are the beliefs that we havethat we aren't even aware we
have?
And when my son, my, my, my biguy, um, was growing up, he knew
, you know, I'm of that era ofpick a team right, you're either
gay or straight, I don't carewhat you are, you're fine.
Speaker 1 (21:05):
Love y'all.
Speaker 2 (21:07):
And he had that messaging on forever.
And when he was 19, he came outin an article or an op-ed for
his college newspaper inresponse to being called the F
slur on campus.
And in that article he came outas bisexual and I was like oh
what, I don't know what.
That is Right, he's now 27.
(21:29):
So clearly I've done some workand done some research and
learning and now I completelyunderstand it.
No-transcript.
Speaker 1 (22:13):
Yeah, and I've told this story and I've told it of
that year and I said probablyone of the most hateful things
(22:36):
you could say to somebody in hissituation.
I said, well, first of all Isaid I love you, which is a good
first step, and then Icompletely trashed all.
I said I love you, which is agood first step, and then I
completely trashed it when Isaid, great, now I've lost my
mother and my daughter.
Speaker 2 (22:53):
And even now saying it.
Speaker 1 (22:54):
It's just like I kind of want to you know and I
apologize later, obviously, andbut I think it still sticks with
him we make mistakes and I knowit was a mistake and I've
apologized for it but yeah.
Speaker 2 (23:12):
It's out there it is You're a human and this is you
know it is never, ever, ever toolate to repair Right.
The other person may not acceptit, but you can always go back
and explain.
You know, it's my Angela's.
Do the best you can until youknow better.
And when you know better, youdo better.
Speaker 1 (23:33):
Do better, right?
Yeah, for sure.
But this, this, what you do, Ithink Jennifer Takes on a lot
more importance these days.
Takes on a lot more importancethese days just because there
seems to be a lot more focus onthe community.
(23:58):
As my good friend, jillianAbbey author of what Damn it now
I'm not going to remember herbook, anyway she wrote a book oh
, Perfectly, queer is the nameof her book and I had her on
this show earlier last year andshe's a legit bit of qua and I
(24:20):
don't know.
Queer may be easier than that,but there is so much hate
focused on that community andmaybe specifically the trans
community and I.
So what you do is veryimportant and so needed these
(24:41):
days.
I mean how many.
I saw a stat, and I'm not goingto remember right now the
number of bills that wereintroduced just last year in all
over the United States.
Speaker 2 (24:55):
Just this year.
Okay, we're recording this inthe middle of February of 2024
and there have been over 500bills introduced.
Oh my gosh, in the first monthand a half of the new year.
And that it is.
Yeah, that's why I do this work.
Um, it is I.
(25:19):
I really have a hard timewrapping my head around the why
uh, yeah you know, and I I tellpeople and I I approach parents
and anyone where I'm havingthese conversations with you
know, starting out with help meunderstand how you came to this
belief Right.
Oftentimes, you know, and againit is that social conditioning
(25:41):
Right, and so I try to dismantleand pull apart as many of the
false beliefs as I can, part asmany of the false beliefs as I
can, and we often get to a placewhere it's, you know, people
will pull the religion card towhich I respond.
One of my daughters is aLutheran pastor and my
(26:07):
son-in-law, her husband, is aPresbyterian pastor and I have
it on their good authority andthey went to one of the most
prestigious seminaries in thecountry.
That God loves everyone.
Period the end.
Speaker 1 (26:17):
And we're supposed to do the same.
Speaker 2 (26:19):
Yep, yep.
Speaker 1 (26:21):
And I'm pretty sure that Go ahead.
Speaker 2 (26:25):
If your religion is leading you to hate anyone,
you're doing it wrong.
Speaker 1 (26:30):
Amen to that.
See, I don't have a t-shirt allover the place.
Is it a rainbow t-shirt?
Just a thought, okay.
So let's try to educate here.
Let's talk about some of themisinformation or lies that are
(26:55):
spread about the transgendercommunity.
Oftentimes you will hearsomebody say they're mutilating
the children, and that's nottrue.
Speaker 2 (27:08):
Nope.
So gender affirming care,especially when it comes to
children, there are differentaspects of gender affirming care
.
Okay, there is socialaffirmation, medical, legal and
surgical all separate things.
Okay, right.
So when you are, when we talkabout gender affirming care for
(27:30):
a child, we're talking aboutsocial, we're talking about
respecting the name that theyhave chosen, respecting the
pronouns that they have told youthat they are Right.
So it is believe who your childtells you that they are in this
moment, because it could change, right, so you have to go with
the flow.
Yes so no one is advocating forsurgery for children, period
(27:55):
zero.
Nobody is right when it comesto medical gender affirming.
Care right.
We're talking about, first ofall, puberty blockers.
Puberty blockers have literallyjust put a pause on puberty.
It's just a hold.
Speaker 1 (28:11):
Right.
Speaker 2 (28:13):
They have been used for decades on children who have
precocious puberty.
Children, you know, littlegirls, who are getting their
period at age seven, eight.
Speaker 1 (28:23):
Oh dear.
Speaker 2 (28:24):
So it's really early.
Speaker 1 (28:26):
I've never heard the phrase precocious puberty.
Speaker 2 (28:28):
Yeah, so it's.
It is literally just wait.
We're going to hold on for aminute because the rest of the
body and the brain has todevelop.
So the safety record for thesemedications is very, very well
established.
Speaker 1 (28:41):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (28:42):
All we're saying is if you have a child who
consistently and persistentlyhas identified as transgender
puberty blockersers, give youthat time okay for their brains
to develop.
Is this the correct path?
Then there is the possibilityof shifting into surgical
(29:05):
gender-affirming care when theyare of age, when they are adults
right, 18 or older 18 or older18 or older and the reason that
it's really super important forthe puberty blockers piece.
and in between there is hormonalcare.
So if you are identifying asmale, you may, at age 14, 16, be
(29:28):
given testosterone or, ifyou're a female, estrogen so
that you go through the correctgender puberty.
Because if you have I'm goingto stick with transgender female
if you have a transgenderfemale so assigned male at birth
and they go through a male,traditional, normal male puberty
, they're going to physicallychange right.
(29:50):
Their voice is going to changethe Adam's apple, the face
structure is going to change.
It is much more difficult forsomeone who has gone through
that puberty stage to transitionand feel completely comfortable
feeling as feminine as theywant to be right, so that the
puberty blockers just put apause on that development, so
(30:12):
that the person can continue todevelop as the gender that they
know themselves to be.
Speaker 1 (30:19):
Okay, so how long does that normally?
How long is that pause?
It can be indefinite, or itcould be.
Speaker 2 (30:27):
I mean, it's a few years you're going to want again
socially, right?
So if you have a child, that'syou know.
Hopefully again you're workingvery closely with psychologists,
psychiatrists, medical doctors,right?
Nobody is.
Speaker 1 (30:39):
You can't go and can't go to CVS and get this
stuff happens without theparents being involved, a if
they're a minor, and medicaldoctors and psychologists.
It's all very closelycoordinated.
(31:00):
This is not just on a whim.
Some kid wakes up in themorning and goes I'm a girl,
nope, and we run down to CVS andpick up some meds for it.
Speaker 2 (31:13):
Yeah, it is a very long, very methodical, very well
supervised process.
Speaker 1 (31:21):
Yes.
Speaker 2 (31:21):
So ideally you're going to be working with your
gender affirming team beforeyour child begins puberty and
there's many ways that they candetermine whether that's
happened or not.
So you start puberty blockersand then you're watching to see
like when is when?
Are the peers starting to gothrough puberty?
When is the child emotionallyready to go through puberty?
Speaker 1 (31:45):
Right.
Speaker 2 (31:46):
And then you'll switch to, you know, the
hormonal therapy, and, and justso, you, you know.
So, if you have, if you have anadult who has gone through
puberty right in their 20s, 30s,50s.
If they start going throughgender affirming hormone therapy
, they're gonna go through asecond puberty for the people,
for that gender, and it you knowwhat puberty is not fun.
(32:06):
So how about we just noopy'snot fun, so how about we just no
, it's not fun for anybody,nobody.
Speaker 1 (32:13):
Yeah, I know my son.
Yeah, he at the time that hetold me again he was 21.
And he had just I think rightafter he told me he started on
(32:39):
testosterone and it was yearsbefore he had top surgery and
another many years before he hadhis hysterectomy.
He hasn't had any other kindsof surgery since then.
But I mean he finally last yearhe finally got his name changed
.
Yeah, and his sex changed onhis, on his driver's license.
I was so happy for him.
It's wonderful.
So it's all becoming real.
Speaker 2 (32:56):
It is and I think it's.
It's so important for people tounderstand how affirming that
is.
And and when I tell parents andI, I don't focus as too much on
the scary statistics, becausethey are terrifying, right and
so every parent it is is afraidfor their kid.
but knowing that you have theability to literally save a
(33:20):
kid's life by doing some verysimple things, I I don't
understand why anyone you know Ihave a hard time with the
cognitive dissonance of peoplewho say you know, we want to
protect children, we want to doeverything right for kids.
We're worried about kids'mental health but are advocating
(33:44):
for laws and legislation andpolicy that puts kids in direct
harm.
Speaker 1 (33:53):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (33:54):
It's hard for me to get my head around You're
absolutely right.
Speaker 1 (33:56):
That would drive me nuts, because I don't work in
your situation every day.
I can't even imagine how,hearing that day in and day out,
the cognitive dissonance woulddrive me nuts.
So if you were going to testifybefore a state legislature that
(34:21):
was considering a bill, I don'tknow, to ban students from
using a bathroom other thantheir assigned sex at birth,
what would you say?
Stop, succinct.
Well, right to the point, verynicely done.
Speaker 2 (34:43):
Just don't right.
I mean again, I think you haveto break down.
What is the actual intent ofsuch a law?
Right, it is to keep peoplesafe.
So looking at having to getpeople to understand that sexual
predators are a whole differentcategory than somebody's sex or
(35:05):
gender right, and so a femaleis no more at risk, by having a
(35:34):
transgender woman in the samerestroom as she is, of having
then have single person allgender bathrooms right.
Let everyone have their ownspace.
So we need to disconnect genderand gender identity from sexual
behavior.
They're very different things.
And recognizing.
When you do start to dig intothe statistics and you find that
the person who is transgenderis at much higher risk of harm
(35:58):
physical, verbal, emotional harmthan any cisgender person
walking on this earth, yes, youstart to see the folly of that
type of legislation, right?
Yeah, absolutely, I go ahead.
You cannot legislate peoplefrom existing, so you cannot you
(36:22):
try, you can try.
But having laws that deny peopleaccess, deny people rights,
does not mean that those peopleare going to go away.
It just means that you arechoosing to make the world less
safe.
Speaker 1 (36:37):
Yeah, I was just trying to find it and I can't
find it now.
The Trevor Project is anamazing resource for queer
people, especially queer kids,but they had a stat you probably
have it about how manytransgender, just LGBTQI kids
(37:04):
felt threatened on a daily basis, Either in their school yeah, I
believe it's close to 60%, Um,and that the really scary thing
and again the reason I'm doingthis work is only 40% of queer
kids feel that their own home issafe and welcoming.
Speaker 2 (37:27):
So when it.
Yeah, so when people, when weget into the conversation about
you know, do parents have theright to know?
Right, should kids?
That was something else Iwanted to bring up.
Yeah so, yeah, there's another,another uh state legislator that
is trying to force teachers toout kids and I did a whole
(37:47):
training for the school, theschool resource officers in my
local district and they had thesame fear, like right, we've got
to tell the kids, the parents,because the parents need to know
.
And my response was do you knowfor certain that that parent is
safe to know?
To know, because if you have achild that says to you, you know
(38:12):
, my parent is going to kill meor my parent is going to throw
me out, you need to take thatseriously.
That may be the actual truth.
Speaker 1 (38:27):
And so by letting that parent know you have
condemned that child to harm.
Yeah, because it's not like youknow a say oh, I wrecked the
car or I ding the car.
My dad's gonna kill me in thisparticular instance they may be.
Speaker 2 (38:40):
That might not be hyperbole, no, no, it is.
You know, a majority of thehome unhomed youth are queer and
are out there because parentshave rejected them.
Speaker 1 (38:51):
Because they are no longer welcome in their home.
Yep, because of who they are.
Speaker 2 (38:56):
Yeah, so I recommend.
So I'll just you know when wetalk about, when people share.
You know the kids share theinformation, and I think it's
important for educators to takea couple of steps.
One is to say thank you fortrusting me with this
information, right?
The second thing is who knowsand who can't know?
(39:18):
Right, you understand wherethat child is in their lives.
And then the third is what canI do to help you and support you
right now?
That child might need you to bethe one that helps them tell
their parent.
They might be the one that youknow they might need the
resources of you know, ahomeless shelter, so that they
(39:40):
feel they can tell their parentsand they can leave and be safe.
They might need you to keepthat a secret for now.
Right, there's a lot ofdifferent ways to approach it,
but I think for me, even whenworking with parents, the child
is the one that needs to beprotected and cared for.
Speaker 1 (40:01):
Yeah, and everybody says that, but not everybody's
doing it.
Yeah, and I'll tell you what ifyou are a teacher or an
educator of some sort and achild comes out to you, kudos to
you, because you must be doingsomething right.
Yeah, that they feel safeenough to do that with you.
(40:22):
Yeah, so, jennifer, I could goon and on and on.
I really could.
Speaker 2 (40:31):
I appreciate it.
Speaker 1 (40:32):
Because this is such an important topic and obviously
it's dear to my heart, I'm soglad that my kids did not have
well, I don't know about all ofthem, but at least the one I
don't think he may have beenquestioning at the time, but it
(40:52):
wasn't public knowledge, so anybullying he got at school was
regular old bullying, not Don'teven get me started.
Speaker 2 (41:02):
None of it's good yeah.
Speaker 1 (41:04):
Not about his, not about it, yeah, not about that.
So, but God bless you for whatyou do, jennifer.
I think it's so great and I'mso in.
Yeah, not about that, so, butGod bless you for what you do,
jennifer.
I think it's so great and I'mso in awe of you, and I so
appreciate you taking a fewminutes to come on and talk to
me about it.
I'm going to have you back, forsure.
Speaker 2 (41:23):
Oh, I love that.
I would love that Absolutely.
Speaker 1 (41:26):
Fantastic.
Thank you again.
I appreciate your time and Iappreciate what you do and keep
fighting the good fight.
Speaker 2 (41:35):
Thanks so much.
Speaker 1 (41:41):
I want to thank you for taking this time to listen
to this episode with my guest,jennifer Boudre.
I hope you're able to takesomething positive from the time
you spent with us.
As a reminder, all ofJennifer's links and some
factual links will be availablein the show notes.
If you took something positive,something inspiring, please
(42:05):
share it with your family andfriends.
It would mean the world to me.
I'm always striving to offeryou a better podcast, so give me
some feedback.
Let me know how you think I'mdoing.
You can email me, leave me amessage on my socials.
Feel free to follow us on allof our socials like Facebook,
instagram, linkedin and TicketyTalk and tickety-tock.
(42:31):
This podcast is part of theMayday Media Network.
If you have an idea for apodcast and need some production
assistance, or have a podcastor are looking for a supportive
network to join, check outmaydaymedianetworkcom and check
out the many different shows,like Afrocentric Spoil, my Movie
Generation Mixtape In a Pickleradio show, wake Up and Dream
(42:54):
with D'Anthony Palin, staxo, paxand the Time Pals.
We'll be back again next weekwith a new episode and we would
be honored if you would join us.
You've been listening to theKindness Matters podcast.
I'm your host, mike Rathbun.
Have a fantastic week you.
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