April 8, 2025 • 44 mins
In this episode of the L3 Leadership Podcast, Doug Smith interviews Dr. Meg Meeker, a pediatrician and author who focuses on the critical role of fathers in parenting.
Dr. Meeker discusses the impact of fatherhood on children's mental health, the challenges fathers face, and the importance of strong father-child relationships. She offers practical advice for parents, including how to handle discipline, talk to kids about sex, and maintain connections after divorce. The conversation also covers healing father-child relationships and raising confident, well-adjusted children.
00:00 Introduction and Background
00:53 The Importance of Dads
01:28 Challenges and Cultural Shifts
02:24 NFL and Fatherhood
08:08 Encouragement for Single Fathers
11:03 Healing from Past Wounds
16:41 Reconciliation and Apologies
21:13 Coaching and Resources for Dads
22:18 Understanding Kids' Needs from Dads
23:35 Forming Strong Attachments in Early Childhood
27:34 Effective Discipline and Boundaries
30:27 Talking to Kids About Sexuality
34:59 Parenting Beyond Childhood
37:12 Raising Confident Kids
40:53 Final Thoughts and Encouragement for Dads
The L3 Leadership Podcast is sponsored by Andocia Marketing Solutions. Andocia exists to bring leaders' visions to life. Visit https://andocia.com to learn more.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
What's up, leader, and welcome to another episode
of the L three LeadershipPodcast, where we are obsessed
with helping you grow to yourmaximum potential and to
maximize the impact of yourleadership. My name is Doug
Smith, and I'm your host, andwe recorded this episode from
our Virgo Realty Studios. Ifyou're new to the podcast,
welcome, I'm so glad thatyou're here, and I hope that
you'll enjoy our content andbecome a subscriber so you can
tune in every week, and ifyou've been listening to us for
(00:21):
a while , it would mean theworld to me if you'd leave us a
rating. I review , if thathelps us to grow our audience.
So thank you in advance forthat. In this week's episode,
you're gonna hear myconversation with Dr. Meg Meer,
who I first heard about throughher amazing book called Strong
Father Strong Daughters, whichI'd highly recommend if you're
a dad with daughters. Um, butshe is an incredible, she is a
go-to resource for families,and that's exactly what we talk
(00:41):
about in the episode. We talkabout all things family, and
you're gonna love this episode.
And again, if you're notfollowing Dr. Meeker's work,
please do. And , uh, you'regonna love this episode. But
before we dive in, here's aword from our sponsor and Dosha
Marketing Solutions
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Speaker 1 (01:54):
And with all that said, let's dive right in.
Here's my conversation with Dr.
Meg Meer . Dr. Meg Meer .
You've been on my bucket listto interview, literally for
probably a decade, so I'm soglad that this , uh, is finally
happening. So much I want tocover today on parenting and,
and really focusing in on dads.
(02:15):
Um, but I really , I just wannastart by asking you, you've
given your life to investing inparents and specifically
investing in dads. Like, why doyou feel like that was so
important that you wanna giveyour life to it?
Speaker 3 (02:24):
You know, when I came outta my residency , um, I
knew I wanted to take care ofkids. And I learned very early
on, within the first fiveyears, if I wanted to take care
of kids, I had to help theirparents because parents are it
for kids, you know, I can tellkids what to do and I can tell
kids how to do this, butparents are really have all the
(02:45):
power. It isn't teachers, itisn't coaches, it isn't even
peers, it's parents. So then Ibegan to invest in parents, and
then as my practice went along,I saw that the kids whose dads
came in periodically with themon visits did much better as
far as getting over depression,anxiety, eating disorders. And
(03:08):
I was intrigued by that. So Istarted researching on the
impact of dads on their kids.
And one of the things thatdisturbed me is there's a lot
more research on moms and kids,but on dads and kids, there's,
there's, you know, it'sprobably five to one. And I
thought, wait a minute. Youknow, dads have this incredible
power and they don't know it.
(03:28):
Then our culture started tobash dads and to marginalized
dads, Homer Simpson, you know,Adam Sandler, find a great dad
on tv. It's kind of hard. Andso I , I saw disconnect. I
thought, wait a minute, youknow, dads are incredibly
important. I'm seeing it. Andyet dads are being told through
media and wherever that they'rereally not, that it's all about
(03:51):
mom. So I need to learn aboutdads. I need to tell dads what
their kids are saying aboutthem, and then I need to
communicate that. And so it'sreally been , um, once I
started forward, there was nogoing back because dad's
responses have been quitepositive because I've really
tried to just open their kids'hearts to them and their minds
(04:15):
and dads respond beautifully.
So it's really where I landed,you know, it's , it's really
where I landed probably sevenyears ago or so, somebody from
the NFL office called my , um,my assistant and said, we want
you to work off the NFL. And Isaid, no, they have the wrong
person. . You have amiddle-aged grandmother here,
(04:36):
it's not gonna work. And hesaid , okay. So about six
months later, they calledagain. I said, okay, I'll meet
with 'em . Very interestingly,these men , um, really wanted
to know how to communicate totheir kids, because many of
them didn't have dads growingup. And I said, okay, well, I'm
not a dad, but I can tell youwhat kids tell me they want
(05:00):
from their dads. And so once Itold them that, it's like a
light bulb went off. Wow . Andinterestingly enough, because
many grow up in a matriarchalculture, I became a surrogate ,
um, matriarch. I, I, I was ageneration ahead of them, and
so they would listen andabsorb, but they literally
(05:20):
said, we have all thisexpertise and power on the
field. We get paid millions ofdollars to do we know well, and
then we go home and we don'thave a clue what to do. Wow.
And so that's where I came in,and that's when the whole
father thing just began to takeshape. And so I talked to
fathers, I'll talk to any dadanywhere, anytime . So I just
(05:42):
love it. Plus there's nobody, Idon't know any other woman out
there doing it. And I thought,ladies, where are you? You
know, why aren't youencouraging men? And I think it
is because you almost feel thatif you're going to champion
women, you can't champion men.
Hmm . It's an either or , whichis ridiculous, but that's kind
of where we've come to.
Speaker 1 (06:03):
Yeah. I heard someone tell me once, you know,
well, one nationally, there's alocal conference here put on by
a nonprofit called Man Up , andit's encouraging men to be
better dads. And if you're be agreat dad to your kids, be a
great dad to other kids , uh,and so on and so forth. And
they just highlight the, theepidemic of fatherlessness in
our nation Yep . And thestatistics that go to that. I'd
be curious, just what's yourinsight into that and, and how
(06:26):
can we really put a dent inthat issue?
Speaker 3 (06:28):
Yeah, I think that's a great question. And I think
that we've arrived here from ,um, a lot of different , um,
factors at work at once. I ,uh, was in the heart of the
women's lib movement in the1970s. And at that point we
didn't have as muchfatherlessness. And, and I'm
not, I'm not blaming it all onfeminism. However, women were
(06:50):
taught through messages thatwent out to our culture, men
and women alike. We got it. Youknow? Um , at first we can be
better than you at yourcareers, and then we can be
better at you and your careersand parenting. Oh, and now
guess what? We don't evenreally need you. We have this
surge of women, particularly inHollywood, who are having
(07:11):
babies by themselves becausethey wanna be mothers. Well ,
what a horrible thing to do toa child. Wow. So we have the ,
we have the cultural messagesto Dad, just step aside, we
really don't need you. We havewomen, we have messages from
strong-willed women to say, youknow what? I got this. I even
found myself in my own homecommunicating to my husband.
(07:31):
Not overtly, but you know what?
You don't really know how totalk to girls. I got this. And
that's a terrible thing. Ithink that , um, di divorce,
the , uh, you know, theincreased amount of divorce,
and once a couple divorcesusually depends on your state.
Dads get the shaft , uh, momsget the kids through the week,
(07:51):
and dads get kids every otherweekend. So that pushes a dad
out of a child's life. Oncethat dad has been , um, I
pretty much outta the child'slife for five years, they've
shown, then dads just sort ofgive up and back away and go,
wow , you know, I'm , I'mreally not needed. And then, of
course, in different , um,socioeconomic levels , uh, in
(08:13):
our strata, in our culture, itdoesn't pay to be married. As a
single mom, you get a lot moremoney if you're a single mom
than you if you're married. Soa lot of these kids just really
kind of , um, the , the , thedads just kept pushed aside. So
it's social, I think it'spersonal relationships. I think
(08:34):
that divorce crushes dads, Ihad a , a dad expert tell me
one time this intriguing, everydivorced man should be
considered at higher risk forsuicide. Wow . And I said,
really? He said, yeah, becausewhat happens emotionally and
psychologically to a man rightafter divorce can be
devastating. And a big part ofthat is feeling like a failure
(08:58):
with your kids, because by andlarge, your kids are pulled
away from you. They're given tomom. And , um, that really
isn't fair.
Speaker 1 (09:07):
So I, I would be curious, just on that note, if
someone's listening to this andthey are a single father,
they've experienced divorce orfor whatever reason, what would
your your encouragement be tothem?
Speaker 3 (09:17):
Never, never, never give up on your kids. Even if
you see your kids every , um,you know, every other weekend,
what happens to a lot of dadsis they feel like failures.
They feel insecure in theirrelationships with their kids,
and they feel their kids don'twant them. Particularly if you
have an ex, a wife who'sbadmouthing you. Mm . Wow .
(09:37):
Dad's become very discouraged.
And I wanna say to those dads,your kid may for a while in the
teen years talk badly aboutyou, not wanna be with you, but
take the high rope , because Iwill guarantee you, once that
child hits 2021, they're gonnarecognize that you're a good
guy and they'll come right backto you. So if you can just hang
(09:58):
on, kids know in the depth oftheir heart that nothing
replaces a dad. Mom cannotreplace a dad. Moms don't like
to hear it, but it's true. Andso your child always, always
wants a deeper connection withyou, but you will feel like
they're going away. But holdon, and never give up and just
(10:20):
hang on during those reallytough years because you have
God willing , um, your childhits 20 and you have, you know,
decades ahead with your child.
So don't give up because you'refar more important to your kids
than you have any clue. Youknow, kids who don't have a
good relationship with theirdad hurt forever. They just
(10:42):
hurt forever. You know? And Ialways say, kids, men and men
and women, take one man totheir grave. It's your dad.
Wow. If you had a brokenrelationship, you want more
healing until he , until youdie. Really. If you had a good
relationship with your dad, youjust want more time. And so
most kids don't feel neutralabout their dads. Think about
(11:05):
it . You can feel neutral abouta teacher or a coach or friend
when it comes to your dad. Youeither adore him or you cry
when you hear his name . That'show, that's how, that's how
critically important dads are,even divorce dads. So,
Speaker 1 (11:21):
Wow. Well, thank you for encouraging it , and even
for me as a dad, greatlyencouraging you to know the
impact that we can have. Um, Iwant , you've given your life
this, and thank you forinvesting in dads. You've
written seven books. You offercoaching all these different
things to dads. Um, I heardsomeone say once, I think it
was Jeremy Pryor, he said, mostpeople only have one model of
what family should look like,and that's the family they grew
(11:43):
up in. Um, I'm just curious ifpeople have one model, and it
was a negative one mm-hmm . Before we can
really even start to thinkabout how can I be a great dad?
How can people overcome maybethe trauma or the wounds that
they experienced in theirchildhood and the family they
experienced before they caneven set a solid foundation to,
to be a great dad?
Speaker 3 (12:00):
That's a great question. Um, and I talk about
this with dads. Every fathercomes into parenting with a
preload. Okay? And your preloadis your experience as a child
with a dad, with a dad, orwithout a dad. Um, and
unfortunately, unless youaddress those major issues that
you experienced as a child, youwill bring that into your
(12:24):
parenting. And subconsciously,if dad was a yeller and you
thought, I can't wait to getaway from this guy, I can't
stand him, you have a prettygood chance of being a yeller
to your kids because that'swhat you know. So you default
to what you know. So here'swhat I encourage dads to do.
It's a painful experience. Yougotta take a, you know, a a
(12:46):
good friend who's a guy, acounselor, pastor, whatever.
And you need to walk backthrough to the, the deepest
pains that you experienced inyour family with your dad. And
you need to face them . And youneed, you may not resolve 'em
completely, but you know whatthey are. So that moving
forward, you can say, you knowwhat? It crushed me whenever my
(13:07):
dad yelled, or my dad hit, ormy dad never showed up. And so
I know that hurt terribly, butas I move forward, I will not
yell at my kids, even thoughI'm, I'm tempted to yell at my
kids. I won't. Even though I'mtempted to leave my kids like
my dad left me or not engagewith them, I, I won't. So you
(13:29):
can only change a behavior ifyou know what you're changing
from. So, you know, even justtackling one or two or your
deep pains in your childhood,and everybody has 'em , but
some are much deeper thanothers, fathers. And then they
realize how much it hurt, andthey are gonna make a big
effort not to bring 'em intotheir parenting. And that's
(13:52):
really where a lot of thehealing starts is in parenting.
Because if you had a dad whoyelled, you know, it hurt a
lot. You know how it hurt, whyit hurt when it hurt and you
move forward and you don't yellat your kids. You begin to
reestablish a healthyrelationship with a child. And
that begins to heal you as achild, if that makes any sense.
(14:16):
Yeah, absolutely. And soparenting can be such a rich,
healing, wonderful experiencefor dads, but if you go into it
not being willing to face whathappened in the past, it's, it
could be much more painful andit'll be more painful for your
kids.
Speaker 1 (14:33):
That's so powerful.
I remember now, I have a greatrelationship with my dad now,
but there were things, Iremember my early twenties that
I was, I was disappointed inthe way I was raised by and ,
and very frustrated with him.
And I was having devotions oneday, and I was reading Hebrews
12, and it talks about God asour father. Uh , and it said,
our earthly fathers disciplinedus for a while , and then it
just said , doing the best thatthey knew how. And I just felt
(14:55):
like God, God really healed methrough that and made me have
this revelation of like, Hey,my dad may not have had the
same equipping or sameknowledge that I have, you
know, at , at 20. And, but hedid the best he could and, you
know, given the circumstanceshe grew up with, like, which I
have no idea about. And it justgave me such a different
perspective on my dad and eventhe things that he neglected to
put in me. Uh, and man, it justmade me love him so much more.
(15:17):
And going to that place was sohealing. And I don't know if I
could be the dad I am today hadI not gone there. So thank you
for your encouragement there.
You
Speaker 3 (15:24):
Bet. You bet. And God, God, you know, God is so
magnificent because he is anincredible father. But a lot of
PE people , men and women whocarry father wounds have a hard
time relating to God becausethat father stumbling block.
Um, but you're absolutely rightto look at your dad and go, you
know, he carried his preloadinto parenting you, and so he
(15:48):
was putting onto you somethingthat was put onto him. Yeah.
And so he didn't mean to dothat. He didn't wanna do that.
It , it , it , it's just whatcame out because nobody's
schooled him. Nobody helpedhim. Like you're doing now with
the dads out there, probablynobody taught him.
Speaker 1 (16:05):
Yeah. Have you ever, have you ever seen the movie
The Shaq?
Speaker 3 (16:08):
Yes.
Speaker 1 (16:09):
Oh man. That, that for those listening ,
if you haven't seen it, it's ahard movie to watch, but it's
phenomenal. Mm-hmm . Uh , that scene
where he gets to see his dad inheaven. And then he got a
glimpse of what his dad'sexperience was with his dad.
Mm-hmm . And they hug and hesaid, I'm sorry, son. I didn't
know any better. I mean , Iwanna cry now. Oh , so
Speaker 3 (16:26):
Powerful. And so, and so many dads feel that way.
So many, I'll never forget, mydad died of Alzheimer's, and I
was very attached to my father,and he was not a man of many
words. But I'll never forget ,um, walking with him probably
in the last six months of hislife. Um, and he knew me, but
we would sort of shuffle aroundand he stopped dead in his
tracks. And he looked at me andhe said, Meg, am I forgiven?
(16:50):
And I said, well, dad, by whom?
He said, well, by you andmother and your brother and
sister. And I said, yes, youare. And then he said, but
because does God forgive me?
And I said, yes, he does. See,even in his broken mind, he
knew that he'd hurt everybody'cause he's human. But he
(17:10):
desperately wanted forgivenessso that we knew he didn't mean
it.
Speaker 1 (17:16):
Hmm .
Speaker 3 (17:17):
And, and that, I will tell you, my dad didn't, I
mean, you know, I had hurtsfrom my own dad too, but in
that moment, they were healedbecause I knew my dad meant it.
He wanted it, and he didn't domake his mistakes out of
choice. Hmm . They came fromsomewhere in him.
Speaker 1 (17:37):
So that brings me up, brings up another question.
If a dad is listening to the ,or mom for that matter, and
maybe they have grandkids now,or their kids are grown now the
house, and they're justoverwhelmed with regret, even
if they're still married, youknow, they didn't abandon their
kids. Maybe they just knowthings now that they wish they
could have done better. Maybethey have a broken relationship
with their child. What wouldyour encouragement be to them
(17:59):
in this stage of their life?
Speaker 3 (18:00):
Yeah, that's a great question because first of all ,
um, every child, adult, doesn'tmatter how old they are , wants
to reconcile with their moms,particularly your dad. So you
could be 7-year-old dad andyour kid is 50, they want
reconciliation. So this is whatyou do. You sit down and you
try to think about the thingsthat you did to your child that
(18:20):
may have been hurtful becauseyou weren't them. You don't
know. And then you face 'em andyou go, man, I really messed up
there. And then if you'rereally estranged, you haven't
talked to this kid in 10 years,you , you write a letter and
you say, I am so deeply sorryfor how I hurt you. I don't, I
don't blame you for, you know,disengaging with me . And then
(18:43):
your kid won't respond. Andthen you do it another month in
another month, in anothermonth. But here's the bottom
line. Over time, you gentlypursue that child, adult, or
five-year-old, and you go tothem and say, I am so sorry for
very specifically for yellingat you, but you don't stop
(19:03):
there. I am so sorry foryelling at you and for making
you feel so insignificant or so, um, badly or so sad. Because
what kids want to you to do isto recognize how you made them
feel. Yeah . And how, how muchthat hurt. So if you, you can't
(19:24):
go and say, I'm sorry for allthe bad things I did to you,
that's meaningless. Hmm . I'mso sorry for, and then, and
then, and then how that madeyou feel. And if, and if you
don't know how the kid felt,you say, I'm so sorry for
yelling at you. How did thatfeel? Wow. And you sit there
and listen because you can takeit, you take it on the chin,
but you can listen. That's theonly way you heal with your
(19:46):
child. Um, and if you don'tknow what you did that hurt
your child, you say to them,clearly, I hurt you deeply, and
I just am not understanding.
Please tell me what it was thatI did that hurt you so deeply.
And how did it make you feelwhen I did that? Hmm . And then
(20:08):
you sit there and you listenand your kid will probably
explode or cry or whatever, butthey'll be blown over it that
you said that and you meant it.
You know, I've seen, I've seenkids. Okay. I had two girls who
were sexually abused. Dad goesto prison. They still wanted to
communicate with their dad.
(20:29):
Why? Because even though hehurt them terribly, there's
this sort of gold thread thatruns from them to their dad.
He's still their dad. He'sstill their dad. And he was
very repentant. Um, thatdoesn't mean that they had,
could spend any time with him ,but, but what I'm saying is the
(20:49):
human heart is very, verycomplicated. And even
children's hearts are verycomplicated. So that's what I
encourage every dad to do. Facewhat you did, apologize, face
how you made your kids feel,apologize, ask for forgiveness
and then let it be. But a lotof it's gonna be listening and
just taking it on the chin andsitting there.
Speaker 1 (21:12):
Wow . What you just shared is pure gold. Uh , and I
would just encourage, ifsomeone's listening to this and
you're saying, I feel likeyou're speaking to me. I feel
like I'm supposed to do that,that's me. Please don't take
time to to act on this. Go homeand write the letter now. Make
the call now. Have theconversation now. Uh, 'cause if
you put it off, I , I just knowhow those things work. It'll
end up never happening. And soif you feel prompted, I just
(21:34):
wanna encourage anyonelistening to this to, to go for
that. Um, well , we covered alot of heavy stuff so far.
Mm-hmm . Uh , andI'll just say, Hey, if we're
caught up at the foundationnow, you've written again ,
several books. You latest onecalled Hero , uh, being the
Strong Father. Your ChildrenNeed , uh, probably your most
people's most favorite books ,strong Father, strong
Daughters. I wanna just diveinto just parenting , uh, and I
(21:55):
would encourage anyonelistening to this get all of
Dr. ER's books. And she's alsonow offering, I guess just ,
uh, mid commercial , uh, you'renow getting into coaching. And
so mm-hmm .
Fathers, if you're out therelistening to this, do you just
wanna give 'em a brief overviewof how they can connect you
with you there before we diveinto how we can start parenting
our kids better?
Speaker 3 (22:12):
You bet. I'm starting my coaching in April,
getting all geared up. Um, ifanybody's interesting , it's
gonna be all over my website,meek Your parenting.com. And
I'm gonna be doing via Zoomlive coaching , um, with small
groups, 25 men, and then 50 ,um, men. Um, men's wives can
come on. I'm not excludingwives at all. My point is to
(22:36):
help fathers understand howtheir kids see them, what they
want from them, and how theyfeel towards their dads.
Because that's the key inhaving a good relationship with
your kid. 'cause you're gonnatell you, I needed this and I
needed this, and I need to get'em to soccer. That's not what
kids kids want. Kids want theirdads, they want their dad's
heart . So I'm starting thecoaching and I do one-on-one
(22:59):
private coaching. Um, not tonsand tons of that. Um, but it's,
but the coaching that I'vedone, you know, so far just a
men's group bible study groupsor anything has been very, very
popular. So I just decided to,to make it legit. And I'm, I'm
really excited about thatbecause that's really my heart
seeing somebody on the screen.
(23:19):
What are you struggling with?
What's your problem? Noquestion is off limits. None.
Zero. I've heard everything. And I know you dads
because I've listened to yourkids. I've listened to
thousands of kids over 35years, talk about their dads.
So I can tell you exactly whatyour kids would say about you.
(23:41):
Because kids aren't all thatdifferent when it comes from
what they need from their dads.
Speaker 1 (23:46):
Hmm . And please take advantage of this. And ,
you know, I heard, I heardsomeone just tell me once that
the kids who have a troubledyouth, the number one way that
they can get out of toughsituations is having someone,
usually an another adult, showthem a different way of life.
And, you know, as I mentionedearlier, often we've only seen
one way model to family. So to, to be able to take advantage
of Dr. Meeker's years and yearsof experience , uh, could show
(24:08):
you a whole different way toparent than you never have.
Mm-hmm . So we'llinclude links to all of that in
the show notes. So make surethat you check that out. Uh,
and now I want to dive in'cause I , as we were
talking about before the show,I have four kids under seven
mm-hmm . And so Ihave all kind of questions, but
I thought it would be fun maybeto take the, you know, the
general age categories that Isee kids wrapped up in are zero
to five, five to 12, 13, 18,and 18 and beyond. Um, so I
(24:30):
would love to take that zero tofive, which is where three
outta my four kids are at. Sure, sure . What do parents and
dads and moms need to know atthis age to successfully lay a
great foundation for theirkids?
Speaker 3 (24:41):
Sure. Keep it simple. Very, very, very
simple. During the first fiveyears, these are the years
where you need to form strongattachments with your kids. You
know, we focus on mom attachingto the kids breastfeeding, the
skin to skin contact. But dadsneed to attach as well. And so
moms out there listening needto know, sometimes I need to
(25:03):
move aside and let dad attachto my child. So zero to one, if
you're breastfeeding your baby,you need to pump, you need to
put some in a bottle, and youneed to let dad rock and feed
the baby. That's a bigattachment time. Then, then
from one to five , um, kids arestill wanting to attach to
(25:24):
their dads. So the thing is,spend time with them. You don't
have to spend huge chunks oftime with them. 'cause you work
10 minutes here, 15 minuteshere, put your phone down, look
'em in the eyes, touch them,sit with them, color with them,
kick a ball with them. Becausewhen you spend time with your
kid doing anything, your kidfeels like, wow, I'm really
(25:48):
important because my dad's withme. See, they feel like it's
okay to have my mom with me,but my mom has to be with me.
This is just in a kid's mind.
Okay, this is what they tellme. , my mom says ,
this is what they tell me. Butwhen my dad chooses to sit down
and color with me or chooses totake me to , um, the grocery
store, I am something becausemy dad likes my company. Um,
(26:14):
and then show affection to yourkids. There's no better time
where your kids will receiveaffection from you during
those, those early years toabout eight. And then pre
puberty , it changes. So takeadvantage of that time because
the solid attachments that youform the , with your kids in
the first five years will setthem on a fabulous path, a
(26:35):
fabulous path. Because youknow, you are modeling to them
when you as a dad show yourkids what to expect from
maleness, from men. So if youprove in the first five years
of their life that they cantrust you because you're gonna
follow through and do what yousay , um, that they can receive
(26:57):
your love because it's there.
You're affectionate, you'reopen. If you withhold love,
then they think, well , youknow, kind of what's, what's
wrong with me? Everything thatanother male person does, as
they get older, they willcompare to you. Okay. So, so
you set that standard. If younever swear in the home and
(27:19):
they go to school and they'rein second grade and they hear
somebody swear in the hall,they're gonna go, you're a
Dumbo. My dad would never dothat. See what I mean? Yes.
Yeah. So you , you, you set thetemplate. Come on for how they
expect men to behave. Veryimportant for teen , for girls.
Because if it , every time theteenage girls goes out with a
(27:40):
boy, whether she's connected toyou or not, she compares that
guy to her dad. And if dadtakes the high road and dad is
cur courteous and he's politeand he's kind and he's
respectful, the minute she isdisrespected and a
relationship, something's gonnago off in her. And hopefully
(28:00):
she'll go get outta here. Hmm .
But , but in other words, you ,so you are setting a template
for what your kids movingforward can expect from a man.
So you wanna give them all goodthings. They can trust you,
they can be affectionate withyou, they can receive their
love. Um, they can , um, knowthat you're gonna be honest,
(28:22):
that you're, you know, mildtempered or whatever. Um, so
, that's how importantthe first five years are.
Speaker 1 (28:30):
I , and I , I would love to just hear your thoughts
'cause I'm in that season now .
What are your thoughts oncorrection and discipline in
that time? Like, what shouldthat look like? Or what have
you found is most effectiveand, and not leaving long-term
negative impact? Yeah,
Speaker 3 (28:42):
Yeah, yeah. Well, first of all, don't be afraid.
All kids need boundaries,period. That's all discipline
is all about. You know, Susie,you're too , you cannot , um,
cook with mom right now becausethe gas is on whatever. So you
have to have very clearboundaries. Yes, you can this
no, you can't do that. And youtell them to the kids very
(29:05):
simply, don't over speak toyour kids. 'cause a two and a
three and a 4-year-old probablyaren't gonna understand much
beyond you can't do this. Andso then you say, if you do
this, Susie , um, then you'regonna be in a timeout. Um, and
then if you do this, Johnnythen say he's five, then you
can't , um, you know, ride yourbike for three days or whatever
(29:29):
it is. The discipline has tosting. That doesn't mean you
have to be mean, but you haveto have to follow through. If
you have a two or year3-year-old, they do something
bad. You grab 'em , you put 'emin timeout, you don't even need
to really say anything. Theykick and scream and run outta
the chair. You pick 'em up, put'em back in the chair.
(29:49):
, if you need to sit there andhold 'em on your lap, that's
what you do. You train them forthe consequence so that they
start to realize eventuallythis isn't worth doing it. So
you have to have clearboundaries because you're
preparing them for life. Yeah.
You and I have clearboundaries. You know, Henry
Cloud wrote a whole book on itbecause adults are not really
(30:09):
good with boundaries. So , we have to teach our
kids those. Early on you in ourhome, you couldn't swear, you
couldn't yell, you couldn'tcall names and you couldn't
wreck anybody's stuff.
Speaker 1 (30:22):
. Right .
Speaker 3 (30:23):
So you
Speaker 1 (30:23):
That's a good
Speaker 3 (30:24):
One. My stuff,
Speaker 1 (30:26):
My stuff as
my kids were running through
the laundry last night. Yes.
Anyway. Yeah .
Speaker 3 (30:30):
You know, but with small children, because they
wanna do so many things wrong,you have to pick your battles.
Okay? Mm-hmm . So you, you, youpick things that are dangerous
to them. You know, if your3-year-old paints all over the
kitchen wall, they're nottrying to be a bad kid. That's
what kids do, . Okay.
But if you look at 'em and say,don't pick up that paintbrush,
(30:51):
and you walk outta the room andyou come back in and they
picked up the paintbrush, thenyou've declared war. Mm-hmm
. Like , daddytold you not to do that, now
you're in timeout or whatever.
Yeah. And so the earlier youestablish those clear
boundaries and clearconsequences, it's so much
easier that they get older.
Because if you don't get yourkids to listen to you and obey
you when they're five, whenthey're 16 and they have car
(31:14):
keys in their hand and they'rewalking out the door and you
say, no, you can't use the car,and they look at you and go,
yeah. Right. Dad, that's adangerous situation. Yeah.
Speaker 1 (31:24):
Yeah. Um, I don't know how far I'm jumping ahead
because I don't know that we'llget to all the age brackets,
but I would love to hear youtalk about when do you feel
like parents should introducesexuality or talking about sex
or at least sexual things tochildren? Uh, and what should
those conversations look like?
I mean, I feel like with theinternet today in schools, it's
becoming younger and younger.
(31:44):
Uh , and so yeah. I just wannahear you talk all about that.
Yeah ,
Speaker 3 (31:47):
Yeah . Um, well first of all, I wanna make a
plea, and I will beg everyfather not to give their
teenage girls a cell phone .
50% of the time girls see pornon social media. It's the
number one place that girls aresex trafficked. So please don't
give your girls cell phonesthat said, here's what I do.
(32:09):
And I wrote a whole course andwent through it on my website,
how to talk to your kids aboutsex and puberty. When your
child starts asking youquestions about babies and moms
and dads, or they hearsomething at school sometimes
at second, third, fourth grade,and they come and say, you
know, I heard this. I don'treally know what that means.
Then you sort of begin toanswer their question. And if
(32:31):
they just say, okay, thanks,and they run away, you're done.
But if they sit there and sortof say, I just don't
understand, I don't understand,then you need need to sit down
and talk with them. And youdon't need to get into the
nitty gritty early on. What youwanna do is, is talk about,
it's very important when whatthat this is between a mom and
a dad. And that love isexchanged through physical
(32:55):
touch and lying down together.
And then you can even go, youknow, talk to them about
intercourse and everything. Um,whenever you do it , your kid's
gonna hate it. They're gonna beshocked even if they're 16
because dad shouldn't knowanything about it. Right. And
they don't wanna hear about itbecause they're two people on
earth. They're not sexuallyactive and you're one of, so
(33:16):
no, no kid wants to hear fromdad or mom . However,
it's important that you be theone to tell, because you wanna
tell it in the context. It'spositive and it's always
couched in love and acommitment committed
relationship. So start theconversation when you feel
they've heard something they'rethinking and they have
questions. Also, depending onthe school that your kids are
(33:40):
in, they may be getting anearful in kindergarten. They
may be getting an earful infifth grade. So always ask your
kids what they're talking aboutat school. For instance, my
granddaughter's 10 , she's in apublic school and I pump her
all the time. Mm-hmm . You know, have
you , are there any kids inyour class, your school that
(34:01):
like girls who think, oh, it'dbe so cool to be a boy or a boy
who thinks it'd be so cool ,cool to be a girl. Mm-hmm .
What I'm asking is, are youhearing about transgender? And
she goes, no. What are youtalking about? She's, she's
set, but if I ask , and shesaid, yeah, I would with her
parents' permission, talk herthrough that. Um, and so you
(34:21):
say, do you hear your friendstalk about kissing and dating
and moms and dads doing things?
Or where babies are born? Andyou'll know by looking in their
eyes whether they've heardsomething or not. And if you
think they've heard something,then you, then you need to, to,
to talk about it will beuncomfortable. It'll be
uncomfortable for you. Butthat's okay. Once you get the
(34:43):
first sort of conversationover, it's not a one and done.
You have to continue to talkabout it. You know, how are
things going? And you know, youhave a freshman in high school
and you know, I know that a lotof kids this age are thinking
about having sex or any of yourfriends sexually active. Don't
ask your kid, ask about theirfriends. Mm . Because usually
(35:03):
what their friends are doing,maybe what they're doing. Wow.
. So you what I'msaying, if you , if your
daughter has five friends andthree are sexually active, 50
50 that she is , so Yeah . Yeah, yeah. So, but you gotta be on
, you gotta be on top of it.
Don't be scared and don't,don't be frightened, but, but
(35:23):
your kids wanna hear what theywanna know. What you think
about them being sexuallyactive as they get older. Does
my dad think it's okay or doeshe think it's not okay? You
know, my ne my dad never saiddon't, but man, I knew that I
had to be careful about theboys I dated even in college
because he wanted to know aboutthem and what they were up to.
(35:47):
And if they said, even if I washome on the weekend from
college, I was gonna be in at1:00 AM he stayed awake.
Speaker 1 (35:53):
Hmm .
Speaker 3 (35:53):
And if , and if , yeah.
Speaker 1 (35:55):
This is huge. I'm curious your, your , uh,
insight on this. Um, JeremyPryor, he runs an organization
called Family Teams. He made a, a post the other day. It was
beautiful. He said , uh,unpopular opinion. I think
parenting is more importantfrom 18 to 30 than I think he
said, like five to 12. Um , andI think so many parents just
think, oh my kid's 18 now.
Which anyway. And I , it'scrazy. But do , do you feel, I
(36:16):
mean, I know you're a parentforever, but do you feel like,
like that 18 to 30 isabsolutely just as essential
as, as childhood teenage years,et cetera?
Speaker 3 (36:25):
It is. And I'll tell you why. First of all, they're
developing really maturethinking so they can, all the
brain cells hopefully are inplace in the early twenties of
frontal lobe development. Okay.
And now you have very deepconversations about very
important things like yourchildhood , um, behaviors,
(36:45):
faith, God, it is no longer youjust telling them and sort of
pouring all of your informationand feelings and beliefs into
them. Now you're at a pointwhere you can actually discuss
them and tell them why and tellthem why you did what you did
and why your faith is the wayit is. And, and then, and then
they start dating and they haveserious relationships and so
(37:08):
forth so you can help themnavigate that. Um, 'cause
there's gonna be a lot of painthere. So you're absolutely
right. I found, you know, in myexperience, those are critical
years because often kids aren'tmarried. They're trying to
figure out what they wanna do,what their life is all about,
why they're on the earthanyway. Um, and so a lot of
(37:28):
deep things come up. And if youhave a good relationship, it
doesn't have to be perfect,good relationship . Your kids
will come to you and ask thequestions and that's what you
want. You wanna raise your kidsin a way that when they're 18
and 20 and beyond, you are thepoint person
Speaker 1 (37:44):
That's so
Speaker 3 (37:45):
Good, right? You're the point person. And if you
are cruel to your kids ordistant from your kids or you
bail on your kids because yourwife is beating you up and
you're never allowed to havesee these kids 'cause you're
divorced, divorced , you're notthe point person. So maintain
connection all through the ,those years and you can become
(38:06):
or reestablish yourself as thepoint person.
Speaker 1 (38:09):
So, good. We only have a few minutes left. I did
wanna hit on, on raisingconfident kids. And you know, I
know you talk a lot aboutstrong father strong daughters
raising , uh, women to beconfident and not have , uh,
girls to not have body imageissues. And I'm sure with guys
it's having confidence andsecurity. What are your best
tips on raising confident kidswho are confident who they are
?
Speaker 3 (38:28):
Well, I think first of all, you have to model it.
Um, you have to model that youknow your truth , your yes is
yes. And your no is no. So thatyou mean what you say because
words are important and youhave, and speech is all about,
you have to have integrity inyour speech. Hmm . So you model
that. You have to model goodcharacter , um, second, and you
(38:49):
wanna model integrity and youwanna be truthful and you want
to be compassionate and, youknow, there's a lot, a lot of
fruits and spirit. Then youwant to compliment your kids on
character. This is something wenever do. We're all about
clapping at them. If they makea goal or if they get straight
(39:10):
A's , my kid is great, you're,I'm so proud of you, I'm so
proud of you. No, you tell yourchild that you're proud of
them. When they missed thegoal, they lost the game, but
they were out there giving ittheir best. Yeah . You give 'em
a big hug out the field andsay, I am so proud of you. What
are you talking about dad?
Because you gave it your all oror your , your , your , your
(39:33):
daughter's playing with yourdaughter and one is five and
one is three, and yourfive-year-old wants to just
blow up at the three-year-old.
But she doesn't, she's patient.
I am so proud of you that youwere so patient with your
sister. I'm so proud of youthat you persevere through your
algebra even though it's reallyhard for you. Who cares that
you get a C ? Whatreally matters is that you go
(39:56):
at it and add it and add it,and that's gonna what , that's
what's gonna make you a winnerin the end. So if you help your
kids , um, grow solid character, um, in them, they're gonna be
very confident. Don't talkabout their weight, don't talk
that much about how they look,don't talk about their
performance, talk about theircharacter, applaud them for it
(40:17):
and let them know very clearly, um, that no matter what they
do, and I'll tell kids this,even if you sit in a closet for
the rest of your life , I willlove you just the same. I'll
knock on the door to ask you tocome out. But if you don't,
it's okay. Because a lot ofkids today, Christian kids, any
(40:37):
kids, they all feel so muchpressure that if they don't A,
B and C, their parents are notgonna love them. And you think
about the way we interact withour kids, we unwittingly or
subconsciously communicate thatto them. Yeah . We coach their
games and clap, clap, clap. Um,and then we tell 'em how great
(40:58):
they are at this and this andthis. Kids get the message. I
have to continue to be great atthat to get my dad's attention
because the only time I eversee my dad really happy is when
I'm doing well in school or ina sport. Ouch. So be very, very
careful. Um, don't show up attheir practices, please. Unless
(41:19):
you're their coach. Let him let him , let 'em be,
let them be, you know, anddon't talk about it all the
time because that, that kids sodesperately wanna please their
parents, particularly theirdad, that if they see that
you're happy with somethingthey're doing mm-hmm . They'll
keep doing it. Wow . They'llkeep doing it even if they hate
it. And then they'll burn outsophomore year in high school.
(41:40):
That's when it happens.
Speaker 1 (41:43):
Oh , Dr. Meg , this conversation did di not
disappoint and I'll just leavethis open-ended as we close
anything you want to talk aboutor leave our leaders listening
to this with,
Speaker 3 (41:51):
You know, I, I would encourage dads , um, to just,
even though there are times youwanna give up, don't. Hmm . Um,
if there , if there are timesyou've made mistakes and , um,
you're discouraged about 'em ,apologize to your kids and ask
God to help you lean on God.
You know , um, think about, wealways feel like failures and
(42:14):
um, and, and we feel like, ohmy gosh, my, my kids are, you
know, I'm gonna fail my kids,fail my kids. Well, we can't
judge our parenting on ourkids' failure success. Look at
God. I mean, he's the perfectparent and he's got a lot of
messed up kids.. So, soyou can be a perfect parent and
your kids are still gonna dowhat they do . So just give it
(42:36):
your best and love 'em andapologize. And you're the ,
keep it simple. Keep it, yourkids don't want the stuff you
want to give them. Just keep itsimple.
Speaker 1 (42:50):
Well , Dr. Meeker , thank you for your faithfulness
that God's call on your life toinvesting in parents and dads.
I know it's made a tremendousdifference and you're not done
yet. And so we'll include linksto, I know you talked about the
link to the course on talkingto your kids about sex. Yeah .
We talked about your coachingand all the other ways that
people could connect with you.
We'll put in the show notes and, uh, just thank you again for
the conversation. It was apleasure.
Speaker 3 (43:09):
Thank you.
Speaker 1 (43:10):
Well, hey, leader , thank you so much for listening
to my conversation with Dr.
Meer. I hope that you enjoyedit as much as I did. You can
find ways to connect with herand links to everything that we
discussed in the shownotes@lthreeleadership.org
slash four 16 . I also wannathank our sponsor again and
Dosha Marketing Solutions.
They're the producers of thispodcast. They're great friends.
And if you were looking forhelp with anything related to
(43:31):
marketing in your organization,I cannot recommend them enough.
I've recommended them to manypeople who use them and they've
all given the thumbs up and areso happy with the work that
they've done. You can learnmore about and dosha and
dosha.com, that's A-N-D-O-C-Ia.com . And as always, I like
to end every episode with aquote. And today I'll quote
David McKee who said this, hesaid, no other success can
compensate for failure in thehome. So true. David, thank
(43:53):
you. That's gonna wrap up ourpodcast for today. As always,
the leader, remember this,don't quit. Keep leading the
world desperately needs yourleadership. We'll talk to you
next episode.
What's up, leader, and welcome to another episode
of the L three LeadershipPodcast, where we are obsessed
with helping you grow to yourmaximum potential and to
maximize the impact of yourleadership. My name is Doug
Smith, and I'm your host, andwe recorded this episode from
our Virgo Realty Studios. Ifyou're new to the podcast,
welcome, I'm so glad thatyou're here, and I hope that
you'll enjoy our content andbecome a subscriber so you can
tune in every week, and ifyou've been listening to us for
(00:21):
a while , it would mean theworld to me if you'd leave us a
rating. I review , if thathelps us to grow our audience.
So thank you in advance forthat. In this week's episode,
you're gonna hear myconversation with Dr. Meg Meer,
who I first heard about throughher amazing book called Strong
Father Strong Daughters, whichI'd highly recommend if you're
a dad with daughters. Um, butshe is an incredible, she is a
go-to resource for families,and that's exactly what we talk
(00:41):
about in the episode. We talkabout all things family, and
you're gonna love this episode.
And again, if you're notfollowing Dr. Meeker's work,
please do. And , uh, you'regonna love this episode. But
before we dive in, here's aword from our sponsor and Dosha
Marketing Solutions
Speaker 2 (00:54):
And Dosha, we help transform visions into results.
What does that mean? We oftenwork with companies who are
doing amazing things, that haveincredible products and
services, but fail tocommunicate what they do
properly and market themselveseffectively. We passionately
serve entrepreneurs, businessleaders, and visionaries to see
what's in their heart and theirvisions for the future come to
(01:14):
life. We do that by providingfractional marketing,
leadership, and creativeexecution all in one. That's
what we call VCMO. With VCMO,you get a marketing director
and a team of creativeprofessionals to help execute
all of your marketing needs,all for one monthly cost. How
do we do all this? We do itthree ways. Number one, we get
your vision, we get excitedabout your mission and your
(01:36):
trajectory as a company, andcome alongside to see you go
further faster. Two, we have ateam of talented strategists
and creatives to get all of thework done. And three, we flat
out work freaking hard for youand your company. Reach out
today. Let's start aconversation.
Speaker 1 (01:54):
And with all that said, let's dive right in.
Here's my conversation with Dr.
Meg Meer . Dr. Meg Meer .
You've been on my bucket listto interview, literally for
probably a decade, so I'm soglad that this , uh, is finally
happening. So much I want tocover today on parenting and,
and really focusing in on dads.
(02:15):
Um, but I really , I just wannastart by asking you, you've
given your life to investing inparents and specifically
investing in dads. Like, why doyou feel like that was so
important that you wanna giveyour life to it?
Speaker 3 (02:24):
You know, when I came outta my residency , um, I
knew I wanted to take care ofkids. And I learned very early
on, within the first fiveyears, if I wanted to take care
of kids, I had to help theirparents because parents are it
for kids, you know, I can tellkids what to do and I can tell
kids how to do this, butparents are really have all the
(02:45):
power. It isn't teachers, itisn't coaches, it isn't even
peers, it's parents. So then Ibegan to invest in parents, and
then as my practice went along,I saw that the kids whose dads
came in periodically with themon visits did much better as
far as getting over depression,anxiety, eating disorders. And
(03:08):
I was intrigued by that. So Istarted researching on the
impact of dads on their kids.
And one of the things thatdisturbed me is there's a lot
more research on moms and kids,but on dads and kids, there's,
there's, you know, it'sprobably five to one. And I
thought, wait a minute. Youknow, dads have this incredible
power and they don't know it.
(03:28):
Then our culture started tobash dads and to marginalized
dads, Homer Simpson, you know,Adam Sandler, find a great dad
on tv. It's kind of hard. Andso I , I saw disconnect. I
thought, wait a minute, youknow, dads are incredibly
important. I'm seeing it. Andyet dads are being told through
media and wherever that they'rereally not, that it's all about
(03:51):
mom. So I need to learn aboutdads. I need to tell dads what
their kids are saying aboutthem, and then I need to
communicate that. And so it'sreally been , um, once I
started forward, there was nogoing back because dad's
responses have been quitepositive because I've really
tried to just open their kids'hearts to them and their minds
(04:15):
and dads respond beautifully.
So it's really where I landed,you know, it's , it's really
where I landed probably sevenyears ago or so, somebody from
the NFL office called my , um,my assistant and said, we want
you to work off the NFL. And Isaid, no, they have the wrong
person.
(04:36):
it's not gonna work. And hesaid , okay. So about six
months later, they calledagain. I said, okay, I'll meet
with 'em . Very interestingly,these men , um, really wanted
to know how to communicate totheir kids, because many of
them didn't have dads growingup. And I said, okay, well, I'm
not a dad, but I can tell youwhat kids tell me they want
(05:00):
from their dads. And so once Itold them that, it's like a
light bulb went off. Wow . Andinterestingly enough, because
many grow up in a matriarchalculture, I became a surrogate ,
um, matriarch. I, I, I was ageneration ahead of them, and
so they would listen andabsorb, but they literally
(05:20):
said, we have all thisexpertise and power on the
field. We get paid millions ofdollars to do we know well, and
then we go home and we don'thave a clue what to do. Wow.
And so that's where I came in,and that's when the whole
father thing just began to takeshape. And so I talked to
fathers, I'll talk to any dadanywhere, anytime . So I just
(05:42):
love it. Plus there's nobody, Idon't know any other woman out
there doing it. And I thought,ladies, where are you? You
know, why aren't youencouraging men? And I think it
is because you almost feel thatif you're going to champion
women, you can't champion men.
Hmm . It's an either or , whichis ridiculous, but that's kind
of where we've come to.
Speaker 1 (06:03):
Yeah. I heard someone tell me once, you know,
well, one nationally, there's alocal conference here put on by
a nonprofit called Man Up , andit's encouraging men to be
better dads. And if you're be agreat dad to your kids, be a
great dad to other kids , uh,and so on and so forth. And
they just highlight the, theepidemic of fatherlessness in
our nation Yep . And thestatistics that go to that. I'd
be curious, just what's yourinsight into that and, and how
(06:26):
can we really put a dent inthat issue?
Speaker 3 (06:28):
Yeah, I think that's a great question. And I think
that we've arrived here from ,um, a lot of different , um,
factors at work at once. I ,uh, was in the heart of the
women's lib movement in the1970s. And at that point we
didn't have as muchfatherlessness. And, and I'm
not, I'm not blaming it all onfeminism. However, women were
(06:50):
taught through messages thatwent out to our culture, men
and women alike. We got it. Youknow? Um , at first we can be
better than you at yourcareers, and then we can be
better at you and your careersand parenting. Oh, and now
guess what? We don't evenreally need you. We have this
surge of women, particularly inHollywood, who are having
(07:11):
babies by themselves becausethey wanna be mothers. Well ,
what a horrible thing to do toa child. Wow. So we have the ,
we have the cultural messagesto Dad, just step aside, we
really don't need you. We havewomen, we have messages from
strong-willed women to say, youknow what? I got this. I even
found myself in my own homecommunicating to my husband.
(07:31):
Not overtly, but you know what?
You don't really know how totalk to girls. I got this. And
that's a terrible thing. Ithink that , um, di divorce,
the , uh, you know, theincreased amount of divorce,
and once a couple divorcesusually depends on your state.
Dads get the shaft , uh, momsget the kids through the week,
(07:51):
and dads get kids every otherweekend. So that pushes a dad
out of a child's life. Oncethat dad has been , um, I
pretty much outta the child'slife for five years, they've
shown, then dads just sort ofgive up and back away and go,
wow , you know, I'm , I'mreally not needed. And then, of
course, in different , um,socioeconomic levels , uh, in
(08:13):
our strata, in our culture, itdoesn't pay to be married. As a
single mom, you get a lot moremoney if you're a single mom
than you if you're married. Soa lot of these kids just really
kind of , um, the , the , thedads just kept pushed aside. So
it's social, I think it'spersonal relationships. I think
(08:34):
that divorce crushes dads, Ihad a , a dad expert tell me
one time this intriguing, everydivorced man should be
considered at higher risk forsuicide. Wow . And I said,
really? He said, yeah, becausewhat happens emotionally and
psychologically to a man rightafter divorce can be
devastating. And a big part ofthat is feeling like a failure
(08:58):
with your kids, because by andlarge, your kids are pulled
away from you. They're given tomom. And , um, that really
isn't fair.
Speaker 1 (09:07):
So I, I would be curious, just on that note, if
someone's listening to this andthey are a single father,
they've experienced divorce orfor whatever reason, what would
your your encouragement be tothem?
Speaker 3 (09:17):
Never, never, never give up on your kids. Even if
you see your kids every , um,you know, every other weekend,
what happens to a lot of dadsis they feel like failures.
They feel insecure in theirrelationships with their kids,
and they feel their kids don'twant them. Particularly if you
have an ex, a wife who'sbadmouthing you. Mm . Wow .
(09:37):
Dad's become very discouraged.
And I wanna say to those dads,your kid may for a while in the
teen years talk badly aboutyou, not wanna be with you, but
take the high rope , because Iwill guarantee you, once that
child hits 2021, they're gonnarecognize that you're a good
guy and they'll come right backto you. So if you can just hang
(09:58):
on, kids know in the depth oftheir heart that nothing
replaces a dad. Mom cannotreplace a dad. Moms don't like
to hear it, but it's true. Andso your child always, always
wants a deeper connection withyou, but you will feel like
they're going away. But holdon, and never give up and just
(10:20):
hang on during those reallytough years because you have
God willing , um, your childhits 20 and you have, you know,
decades ahead with your child.
So don't give up because you'refar more important to your kids
than you have any clue. Youknow, kids who don't have a
good relationship with theirdad hurt forever. They just
(10:42):
hurt forever. You know? And Ialways say, kids, men and men
and women, take one man totheir grave. It's your dad.
Wow. If you had a brokenrelationship, you want more
healing until he , until youdie. Really. If you had a good
relationship with your dad, youjust want more time. And so
most kids don't feel neutralabout their dads. Think about
(11:05):
it . You can feel neutral abouta teacher or a coach or friend
when it comes to your dad. Youeither adore him or you cry
when you hear his name . That'show, that's how, that's how
critically important dads are,even divorce dads. So,
Speaker 1 (11:21):
Wow. Well, thank you for encouraging it , and even
for me as a dad, greatlyencouraging you to know the
impact that we can have. Um, Iwant , you've given your life
this, and thank you forinvesting in dads. You've
written seven books. You offercoaching all these different
things to dads. Um, I heardsomeone say once, I think it
was Jeremy Pryor, he said, mostpeople only have one model of
what family should look like,and that's the family they grew
(11:43):
up in. Um, I'm just curious ifpeople have one model, and it
was a negative one mm-hmm
really even start to thinkabout how can I be a great dad?
How can people overcome maybethe trauma or the wounds that
they experienced in theirchildhood and the family they
experienced before they caneven set a solid foundation to,
to be a great dad?
Speaker 3 (12:00):
That's a great question. Um, and I talk about
this with dads. Every fathercomes into parenting with a
preload. Okay? And your preloadis your experience as a child
with a dad, with a dad, orwithout a dad. Um, and
unfortunately, unless youaddress those major issues that
you experienced as a child, youwill bring that into your
(12:24):
parenting. And subconsciously,if dad was a yeller and you
thought, I can't wait to getaway from this guy, I can't
stand him, you have a prettygood chance of being a yeller
to your kids because that'swhat you know. So you default
to what you know. So here'swhat I encourage dads to do.
It's a painful experience. Yougotta take a, you know, a a
(12:46):
good friend who's a guy, acounselor, pastor, whatever.
And you need to walk backthrough to the, the deepest
pains that you experienced inyour family with your dad. And
you need to face them . And youneed, you may not resolve 'em
completely, but you know whatthey are. So that moving
forward, you can say, you knowwhat? It crushed me whenever my
(13:07):
dad yelled, or my dad hit, ormy dad never showed up. And so
I know that hurt terribly, butas I move forward, I will not
yell at my kids, even thoughI'm, I'm tempted to yell at my
kids. I won't. Even though I'mtempted to leave my kids like
my dad left me or not engagewith them, I, I won't. So you
(13:29):
can only change a behavior ifyou know what you're changing
from. So, you know, even justtackling one or two or your
deep pains in your childhood,and everybody has 'em , but
some are much deeper thanothers, fathers. And then they
realize how much it hurt, andthey are gonna make a big
effort not to bring 'em intotheir parenting. And that's
(13:52):
really where a lot of thehealing starts is in parenting.
Because if you had a dad whoyelled, you know, it hurt a
lot. You know how it hurt, whyit hurt when it hurt and you
move forward and you don't yellat your kids. You begin to
reestablish a healthyrelationship with a child. And
that begins to heal you as achild, if that makes any sense.
(14:16):
Yeah, absolutely. And soparenting can be such a rich,
healing, wonderful experiencefor dads, but if you go into it
not being willing to face whathappened in the past, it's, it
could be much more painful andit'll be more painful for your
kids.
Speaker 1 (14:33):
That's so powerful.
I remember now, I have a greatrelationship with my dad now,
but there were things, Iremember my early twenties that
I was, I was disappointed inthe way I was raised by and ,
and very frustrated with him.
And I was having devotions oneday, and I was reading Hebrews
12, and it talks about God asour father. Uh , and it said,
our earthly fathers disciplinedus for a while , and then it
just said , doing the best thatthey knew how. And I just felt
(14:55):
like God, God really healed methrough that and made me have
this revelation of like, Hey,my dad may not have had the
same equipping or sameknowledge that I have, you
know, at , at 20. And, but hedid the best he could and, you
know, given the circumstanceshe grew up with, like, which I
have no idea about. And it justgave me such a different
perspective on my dad and eventhe things that he neglected to
put in me. Uh, and man, it justmade me love him so much more.
(15:17):
And going to that place was sohealing. And I don't know if I
could be the dad I am today hadI not gone there. So thank you
for your encouragement there.
You
Speaker 3 (15:24):
Bet. You bet. And God, God, you know, God is so
magnificent because he is anincredible father. But a lot of
PE people , men and women whocarry father wounds have a hard
time relating to God becausethat father stumbling block.
Um, but you're absolutely rightto look at your dad and go, you
know, he carried his preloadinto parenting you, and so he
(15:48):
was putting onto you somethingthat was put onto him. Yeah.
And so he didn't mean to dothat. He didn't wanna do that.
It , it , it , it's just whatcame out because nobody's
schooled him. Nobody helpedhim. Like you're doing now with
the dads out there, probablynobody taught him.
Speaker 1 (16:05):
Yeah. Have you ever, have you ever seen the movie
The Shaq?
Speaker 3 (16:08):
Yes.
Speaker 1 (16:09):
Oh man. That, that
if you haven't seen it, it's ahard movie to watch, but it's
phenomenal. Mm-hmm
where he gets to see his dad inheaven. And then he got a
glimpse of what his dad'sexperience was with his dad.
Mm-hmm . And they hug and hesaid, I'm sorry, son. I didn't
know any better. I mean , Iwanna cry now. Oh , so
Speaker 3 (16:26):
Powerful. And so, and so many dads feel that way.
So many, I'll never forget, mydad died of Alzheimer's, and I
was very attached to my father,and he was not a man of many
words. But I'll never forget ,um, walking with him probably
in the last six months of hislife. Um, and he knew me, but
we would sort of shuffle aroundand he stopped dead in his
tracks. And he looked at me andhe said, Meg, am I forgiven?
(16:50):
And I said, well, dad, by whom?
He said, well, by you andmother and your brother and
sister. And I said, yes, youare. And then he said, but
because does God forgive me?
And I said, yes, he does. See,even in his broken mind, he
knew that he'd hurt everybody'cause he's human. But he
(17:10):
desperately wanted forgivenessso that we knew he didn't mean
it.
Speaker 1 (17:16):
Hmm .
Speaker 3 (17:17):
And, and that, I will tell you, my dad didn't, I
mean, you know, I had hurtsfrom my own dad too, but in
that moment, they were healedbecause I knew my dad meant it.
He wanted it, and he didn't domake his mistakes out of
choice. Hmm . They came fromsomewhere in him.
Speaker 1 (17:37):
So that brings me up, brings up another question.
If a dad is listening to the ,or mom for that matter, and
maybe they have grandkids now,or their kids are grown now the
house, and they're justoverwhelmed with regret, even
if they're still married, youknow, they didn't abandon their
kids. Maybe they just knowthings now that they wish they
could have done better. Maybethey have a broken relationship
with their child. What wouldyour encouragement be to them
(17:59):
in this stage of their life?
Speaker 3 (18:00):
Yeah, that's a great question because first of all ,
um, every child, adult, doesn'tmatter how old they are , wants
to reconcile with their moms,particularly your dad. So you
could be 7-year-old dad andyour kid is 50, they want
reconciliation. So this is whatyou do. You sit down and you
try to think about the thingsthat you did to your child that
(18:20):
may have been hurtful becauseyou weren't them. You don't
know. And then you face 'em andyou go, man, I really messed up
there. And then if you'rereally estranged, you haven't
talked to this kid in 10 years,you , you write a letter and
you say, I am so deeply sorryfor how I hurt you. I don't, I
don't blame you for, you know,disengaging with me . And then
(18:43):
your kid won't respond. Andthen you do it another month in
another month, in anothermonth. But here's the bottom
line. Over time, you gentlypursue that child, adult, or
five-year-old, and you go tothem and say, I am so sorry for
very specifically for yellingat you, but you don't stop
(19:03):
there. I am so sorry foryelling at you and for making
you feel so insignificant or so, um, badly or so sad. Because
what kids want to you to do isto recognize how you made them
feel. Yeah . And how, how muchthat hurt. So if you, you can't
(19:24):
go and say, I'm sorry for allthe bad things I did to you,
that's meaningless. Hmm . I'mso sorry for, and then, and
then, and then how that madeyou feel. And if, and if you
don't know how the kid felt,you say, I'm so sorry for
yelling at you. How did thatfeel? Wow. And you sit there
and listen because you can takeit, you take it on the chin,
but you can listen. That's theonly way you heal with your
(19:46):
child. Um, and if you don'tknow what you did that hurt
your child, you say to them,clearly, I hurt you deeply, and
I just am not understanding.
Please tell me what it was thatI did that hurt you so deeply.
And how did it make you feelwhen I did that? Hmm . And then
(20:08):
you sit there and you listenand your kid will probably
explode or cry or whatever, butthey'll be blown over it that
you said that and you meant it.
You know, I've seen, I've seenkids. Okay. I had two girls who
were sexually abused. Dad goesto prison. They still wanted to
communicate with their dad.
(20:29):
Why? Because even though hehurt them terribly, there's
this sort of gold thread thatruns from them to their dad.
He's still their dad. He'sstill their dad. And he was
very repentant. Um, thatdoesn't mean that they had,
could spend any time with him ,but, but what I'm saying is the
(20:49):
human heart is very, verycomplicated. And even
children's hearts are verycomplicated. So that's what I
encourage every dad to do. Facewhat you did, apologize, face
how you made your kids feel,apologize, ask for forgiveness
and then let it be. But a lotof it's gonna be listening and
just taking it on the chin andsitting there.
Speaker 1 (21:12):
Wow . What you just shared is pure gold. Uh , and I
would just encourage, ifsomeone's listening to this and
you're saying, I feel likeyou're speaking to me. I feel
like I'm supposed to do that,that's me. Please don't take
time to to act on this. Go homeand write the letter now. Make
the call now. Have theconversation now. Uh, 'cause if
you put it off, I , I just knowhow those things work. It'll
end up never happening. And soif you feel prompted, I just
(21:34):
wanna encourage anyonelistening to this to, to go for
that. Um, well , we covered alot of heavy stuff so far.
Mm-hmm
caught up at the foundationnow, you've written again ,
several books. You latest onecalled Hero , uh, being the
Strong Father. Your ChildrenNeed , uh, probably your most
people's most favorite books ,strong Father, strong
Daughters. I wanna just diveinto just parenting , uh, and I
(21:55):
would encourage anyonelistening to this get all of
Dr. ER's books. And she's alsonow offering, I guess just ,
uh, mid commercial , uh, you'renow getting into coaching. And
so mm-hmm
Fathers, if you're out therelistening to this, do you just
wanna give 'em a brief overviewof how they can connect you
with you there before we diveinto how we can start parenting
our kids better?
Speaker 3 (22:12):
You bet. I'm starting my coaching in April,
getting all geared up. Um, ifanybody's interesting , it's
gonna be all over my website,meek Your parenting.com. And
I'm gonna be doing via Zoomlive coaching , um, with small
groups, 25 men, and then 50 ,um, men. Um, men's wives can
come on. I'm not excludingwives at all. My point is to
(22:36):
help fathers understand howtheir kids see them, what they
want from them, and how theyfeel towards their dads.
Because that's the key inhaving a good relationship with
your kid. 'cause you're gonnatell you, I needed this and I
needed this, and I need to get'em to soccer. That's not what
kids kids want. Kids want theirdads, they want their dad's
heart . So I'm starting thecoaching and I do one-on-one
(22:59):
private coaching. Um, not tonsand tons of that. Um, but it's,
but the coaching that I'vedone, you know, so far just a
men's group bible study groupsor anything has been very, very
popular. So I just decided to,to make it legit. And I'm, I'm
really excited about thatbecause that's really my heart
seeing somebody on the screen.
(23:19):
What are you struggling with?
What's your problem? Noquestion is off limits. None.
Zero. I've heard everything
because I've listened to yourkids. I've listened to
thousands of kids over 35years, talk about their dads.
So I can tell you exactly whatyour kids would say about you.
(23:41):
Because kids aren't all thatdifferent when it comes from
what they need from their dads.
Speaker 1 (23:46):
Hmm . And please take advantage of this. And ,
you know, I heard, I heardsomeone just tell me once that
the kids who have a troubledyouth, the number one way that
they can get out of toughsituations is having someone,
usually an another adult, showthem a different way of life.
And, you know, as I mentionedearlier, often we've only seen
one way model to family. So to, to be able to take advantage
of Dr. Meeker's years and yearsof experience , uh, could show
(24:08):
you a whole different way toparent than you never have.
Mm-hmm
the show notes. So make surethat you check that out. Uh,
and now I want to dive in'cause I
talking about before the show,I have four kids under seven
mm-hmm
I thought it would be fun maybeto take the, you know, the
general age categories that Isee kids wrapped up in are zero
to five, five to 12, 13, 18,and 18 and beyond. Um, so I
(24:30):
would love to take that zero tofive, which is where three
outta my four kids are at. Sure, sure . What do parents and
dads and moms need to know atthis age to successfully lay a
great foundation for theirkids?
Speaker 3 (24:41):
Sure. Keep it simple. Very, very, very
simple. During the first fiveyears, these are the years
where you need to form strongattachments with your kids. You
know, we focus on mom attachingto the kids breastfeeding, the
skin to skin contact. But dadsneed to attach as well. And so
moms out there listening needto know, sometimes I need to
(25:03):
move aside and let dad attachto my child. So zero to one, if
you're breastfeeding your baby,you need to pump, you need to
put some in a bottle, and youneed to let dad rock and feed
the baby. That's a bigattachment time. Then, then
from one to five , um, kids arestill wanting to attach to
(25:24):
their dads. So the thing is,spend time with them. You don't
have to spend huge chunks oftime with them. 'cause you work
10 minutes here, 15 minuteshere, put your phone down, look
'em in the eyes, touch them,sit with them, color with them,
kick a ball with them. Becausewhen you spend time with your
kid doing anything, your kidfeels like, wow, I'm really
(25:48):
important because my dad's withme. See, they feel like it's
okay to have my mom with me,but my mom has to be with me.
This is just in a kid's mind.
Okay, this is what they tellme.
this is what they tell me. Butwhen my dad chooses to sit down
and color with me or chooses totake me to , um, the grocery
store, I am something becausemy dad likes my company. Um,
(26:14):
and then show affection to yourkids. There's no better time
where your kids will receiveaffection from you during
those, those early years toabout eight. And then pre
puberty , it changes. So takeadvantage of that time because
the solid attachments that youform the , with your kids in
the first five years will setthem on a fabulous path, a
(26:35):
fabulous path. Because youknow, you are modeling to them
when you as a dad show yourkids what to expect from
maleness, from men. So if youprove in the first five years
of their life that they cantrust you because you're gonna
follow through and do what yousay , um, that they can receive
(26:57):
your love because it's there.
You're affectionate, you'reopen. If you withhold love,
then they think, well , youknow, kind of what's, what's
wrong with me? Everything thatanother male person does, as
they get older, they willcompare to you. Okay. So, so
you set that standard. If younever swear in the home and
(27:19):
they go to school and they'rein second grade and they hear
somebody swear in the hall,they're gonna go, you're a
Dumbo. My dad would never dothat. See what I mean? Yes.
Yeah. So you , you, you set thetemplate. Come on for how they
expect men to behave. Veryimportant for teen , for girls.
Because if it , every time theteenage girls goes out with a
(27:40):
boy, whether she's connected toyou or not, she compares that
guy to her dad. And if dadtakes the high road and dad is
cur courteous and he's politeand he's kind and he's
respectful, the minute she isdisrespected and a
relationship, something's gonnago off in her. And hopefully
(28:00):
she'll go get outta here. Hmm .
But , but in other words, you ,so you are setting a template
for what your kids movingforward can expect from a man.
So you wanna give them all goodthings. They can trust you,
they can be affectionate withyou, they can receive their
love. Um, they can , um, knowthat you're gonna be honest,
(28:22):
that you're, you know, mildtempered or whatever. Um, so
Speaker 1 (28:30):
I , and I , I would love to just hear your thoughts
'cause I'm in that season now .
What are your thoughts oncorrection and discipline in
that time? Like, what shouldthat look like? Or what have
you found is most effectiveand, and not leaving long-term
negative impact? Yeah,
Speaker 3 (28:42):
Yeah, yeah. Well, first of all, don't be afraid.
All kids need boundaries,period. That's all discipline
is all about. You know, Susie,you're too , you cannot , um,
cook with mom right now becausethe gas is on whatever. So you
have to have very clearboundaries. Yes, you can this
no, you can't do that. And youtell them to the kids very
(29:05):
simply, don't over speak toyour kids. 'cause a two and a
three and a 4-year-old probablyaren't gonna understand much
beyond you can't do this. Andso then you say, if you do
this, Susie , um, then you'regonna be in a timeout. Um, and
then if you do this, Johnnythen say he's five, then you
can't , um, you know, ride yourbike for three days or whatever
(29:29):
it is. The discipline has tosting. That doesn't mean you
have to be mean, but you haveto have to follow through. If
you have a two or year3-year-old, they do something
bad. You grab 'em , you put 'emin timeout, you don't even need
to really say anything. Theykick and scream and run outta
the chair. You pick 'em up, put'em back in the chair.
(29:49):
, if you need to sit there andhold 'em on your lap, that's
what you do. You train them forthe consequence so that they
start to realize eventuallythis isn't worth doing it. So
you have to have clearboundaries because you're
preparing them for life. Yeah.
You and I have clearboundaries. You know, Henry
Cloud wrote a whole book on itbecause adults are not really
(30:09):
good with boundaries. So
kids those. Early on you in ourhome, you couldn't swear, you
couldn't yell, you couldn'tcall names and you couldn't
wreck anybody's stuff.
Speaker 1 (30:22):
Speaker 3 (30:23):
So you
Speaker 1 (30:23):
That's a good
Speaker 3 (30:24):
One. My stuff,
Speaker 1 (30:26):
My stuff
the laundry last night. Yes.
Anyway. Yeah .
Speaker 3 (30:30):
You know, but with small children, because they
wanna do so many things wrong,you have to pick your battles.
Okay? Mm-hmm . So you, you, youpick things that are dangerous
to them. You know, if your3-year-old paints all over the
kitchen wall, they're nottrying to be a bad kid. That's
what kids do,
But if you look at 'em and say,don't pick up that paintbrush,
(30:51):
and you walk outta the room andyou come back in and they
picked up the paintbrush, thenyou've declared war. Mm-hmm
you're in timeout or whatever.
Yeah. And so the earlier youestablish those clear
boundaries and clearconsequences, it's so much
easier that they get older.
Because if you don't get yourkids to listen to you and obey
you when they're five, whenthey're 16 and they have car
(31:14):
keys in their hand and they'rewalking out the door and you
say, no, you can't use the car,and they look at you and go,
yeah. Right. Dad, that's adangerous situation. Yeah.
Speaker 1 (31:24):
Yeah. Um, I don't know how far I'm jumping ahead
because I don't know that we'llget to all the age brackets,
but I would love to hear youtalk about when do you feel
like parents should introducesexuality or talking about sex
or at least sexual things tochildren? Uh, and what should
those conversations look like?
I mean, I feel like with theinternet today in schools, it's
becoming younger and younger.
(31:44):
Uh , and so yeah. I just wannahear you talk all about that.
Yeah ,
Speaker 3 (31:47):
Yeah . Um, well first of all, I wanna make a
plea, and I will beg everyfather not to give their
teenage girls a cell phone .
50% of the time girls see pornon social media. It's the
number one place that girls aresex trafficked. So please don't
give your girls cell phonesthat said, here's what I do.
(32:09):
And I wrote a whole course andwent through it on my website,
how to talk to your kids aboutsex and puberty. When your
child starts asking youquestions about babies and moms
and dads, or they hearsomething at school sometimes
at second, third, fourth grade,and they come and say, you
know, I heard this. I don'treally know what that means.
Then you sort of begin toanswer their question. And if
(32:31):
they just say, okay, thanks,and they run away, you're done.
But if they sit there and sortof say, I just don't
understand, I don't understand,then you need need to sit down
and talk with them. And youdon't need to get into the
nitty gritty early on. What youwanna do is, is talk about,
it's very important when whatthat this is between a mom and
a dad. And that love isexchanged through physical
(32:55):
touch and lying down together.
And then you can even go, youknow, talk to them about
intercourse and everything. Um,whenever you do it , your kid's
gonna hate it. They're gonna beshocked even if they're 16
because dad shouldn't knowanything about it. Right. And
they don't wanna hear about itbecause they're two people on
earth. They're not sexuallyactive and you're one of, so
(33:16):
no, no kid wants to hear fromdad or mom
it's important that you be theone to tell, because you wanna
tell it in the context. It'spositive and it's always
couched in love and acommitment committed
relationship. So start theconversation when you feel
they've heard something they'rethinking and they have
questions. Also, depending onthe school that your kids are
(33:40):
in, they may be getting anearful in kindergarten. They
may be getting an earful infifth grade. So always ask your
kids what they're talking aboutat school. For instance, my
granddaughter's 10 , she's in apublic school and I pump her
all the time. Mm-hmm
you , are there any kids inyour class, your school that
(34:01):
like girls who think, oh, it'dbe so cool to be a boy or a boy
who thinks it'd be so cool ,cool to be a girl. Mm-hmm .
What I'm asking is, are youhearing about transgender? And
she goes, no. What are youtalking about? She's, she's
set, but if I ask , and shesaid, yeah, I would with her
parents' permission, talk herthrough that. Um, and so you
(34:21):
say, do you hear your friendstalk about kissing and dating
and moms and dads doing things?
Or where babies are born? Andyou'll know by looking in their
eyes whether they've heardsomething or not. And if you
think they've heard something,then you, then you need to, to,
to talk about it will beuncomfortable. It'll be
uncomfortable for you. Butthat's okay. Once you get the
(34:43):
first sort of conversationover, it's not a one and done.
You have to continue to talkabout it. You know, how are
things going? And you know, youhave a freshman in high school
and you know, I know that a lotof kids this age are thinking
about having sex or any of yourfriends sexually active. Don't
ask your kid, ask about theirfriends. Mm . Because usually
(35:03):
what their friends are doing,maybe what they're doing. Wow.
daughter has five friends andthree are sexually active, 50
50 that she is , so Yeah . Yeah, yeah. So, but you gotta be on
, you gotta be on top of it.
Don't be scared and don't,don't be frightened, but, but
(35:23):
your kids wanna hear what theywanna know. What you think
about them being sexuallyactive as they get older. Does
my dad think it's okay or doeshe think it's not okay? You
know, my ne my dad never saiddon't, but man, I knew that I
had to be careful about theboys I dated even in college
because he wanted to know aboutthem and what they were up to.
(35:47):
And if they said, even if I washome on the weekend from
college, I was gonna be in at1:00 AM he stayed awake.
Speaker 1 (35:53):
Hmm .
Speaker 3 (35:53):
And if , and if , yeah.
Speaker 1 (35:55):
This is huge. I'm curious your, your , uh,
insight on this. Um, JeremyPryor, he runs an organization
called Family Teams. He made a, a post the other day. It was
beautiful. He said , uh,unpopular opinion. I think
parenting is more importantfrom 18 to 30 than I think he
said, like five to 12. Um , andI think so many parents just
think, oh my kid's 18 now.
Which anyway. And I , it'scrazy. But do , do you feel, I
(36:16):
mean, I know you're a parentforever, but do you feel like,
like that 18 to 30 isabsolutely just as essential
as, as childhood teenage years,et cetera?
Speaker 3 (36:25):
It is. And I'll tell you why. First of all, they're
developing really maturethinking so they can, all the
brain cells hopefully are inplace in the early twenties of
frontal lobe development. Okay.
And now you have very deepconversations about very
important things like yourchildhood , um, behaviors,
(36:45):
faith, God, it is no longer youjust telling them and sort of
pouring all of your informationand feelings and beliefs into
them. Now you're at a pointwhere you can actually discuss
them and tell them why and tellthem why you did what you did
and why your faith is the wayit is. And, and then, and then
they start dating and they haveserious relationships and so
(37:08):
forth so you can help themnavigate that. Um, 'cause
there's gonna be a lot of painthere. So you're absolutely
right. I found, you know, in myexperience, those are critical
years because often kids aren'tmarried. They're trying to
figure out what they wanna do,what their life is all about,
why they're on the earthanyway. Um, and so a lot of
(37:28):
deep things come up. And if youhave a good relationship, it
doesn't have to be perfect,good relationship . Your kids
will come to you and ask thequestions and that's what you
want. You wanna raise your kidsin a way that when they're 18
and 20 and beyond, you are thepoint person
Speaker 1 (37:44):
That's so
Speaker 3 (37:45):
Good, right? You're the point person. And if you
are cruel to your kids ordistant from your kids or you
bail on your kids because yourwife is beating you up and
you're never allowed to havesee these kids 'cause you're
divorced, divorced , you're notthe point person. So maintain
connection all through the ,those years and you can become
(38:06):
or reestablish yourself as thepoint person.
Speaker 1 (38:09):
So, good. We only have a few minutes left. I did
wanna hit on, on raisingconfident kids. And you know, I
know you talk a lot aboutstrong father strong daughters
raising , uh, women to beconfident and not have , uh,
girls to not have body imageissues. And I'm sure with guys
it's having confidence andsecurity. What are your best
tips on raising confident kidswho are confident who they are
?
Speaker 3 (38:28):
Well, I think first of all, you have to model it.
Um, you have to model that youknow your truth , your yes is
yes. And your no is no. So thatyou mean what you say because
words are important and youhave, and speech is all about,
you have to have integrity inyour speech. Hmm . So you model
that. You have to model goodcharacter , um, second, and you
(38:49):
wanna model integrity and youwanna be truthful and you want
to be compassionate and, youknow, there's a lot, a lot of
fruits and spirit. Then youwant to compliment your kids on
character. This is something wenever do. We're all about
clapping at them. If they makea goal or if they get straight
(39:10):
A's , my kid is great, you're,I'm so proud of you, I'm so
proud of you. No, you tell yourchild that you're proud of
them. When they missed thegoal, they lost the game, but
they were out there giving ittheir best. Yeah . You give 'em
a big hug out the field andsay, I am so proud of you. What
are you talking about dad?
Because you gave it your all oror your , your , your , your
(39:33):
daughter's playing with yourdaughter and one is five and
one is three, and yourfive-year-old wants to just
blow up at the three-year-old.
But she doesn't, she's patient.
I am so proud of you that youwere so patient with your
sister. I'm so proud of youthat you persevere through your
algebra even though it's reallyhard for you. Who cares that
you get a C
(39:56):
at it and add it and add it,and that's gonna what , that's
what's gonna make you a winnerin the end. So if you help your
kids , um, grow solid character, um, in them, they're gonna be
very confident. Don't talkabout their weight, don't talk
that much about how they look,don't talk about their
performance, talk about theircharacter, applaud them for it
(40:17):
and let them know very clearly, um, that no matter what they
do, and I'll tell kids this,even if you sit in a closet for
the rest of your life , I willlove you just the same. I'll
knock on the door to ask you tocome out. But if you don't,
it's okay. Because a lot ofkids today, Christian kids, any
(40:37):
kids, they all feel so muchpressure that if they don't A,
B and C, their parents are notgonna love them. And you think
about the way we interact withour kids, we unwittingly or
subconsciously communicate thatto them. Yeah . We coach their
games and clap, clap, clap. Um,and then we tell 'em how great
(40:58):
they are at this and this andthis. Kids get the message. I
have to continue to be great atthat to get my dad's attention
because the only time I eversee my dad really happy is when
I'm doing well in school or ina sport. Ouch. So be very, very
careful. Um, don't show up attheir practices, please. Unless
(41:19):
you're their coach. Let him
let them be, you know, anddon't talk about it all the
time because that, that kids sodesperately wanna please their
parents, particularly theirdad, that if they see that
you're happy with somethingthey're doing mm-hmm . They'll
keep doing it. Wow . They'llkeep doing it even if they hate
it. And then they'll burn outsophomore year in high school.
(41:40):
That's when it happens.
Speaker 1 (41:43):
Oh , Dr. Meg , this conversation did di not
disappoint and I'll just leavethis open-ended as we close
anything you want to talk aboutor leave our leaders listening
to this with,
Speaker 3 (41:51):
You know, I, I would encourage dads , um, to just,
even though there are times youwanna give up, don't. Hmm . Um,
if there , if there are timesyou've made mistakes and , um,
you're discouraged about 'em ,apologize to your kids and ask
God to help you lean on God.
You know , um, think about, wealways feel like failures and
(42:14):
um, and, and we feel like, ohmy gosh, my, my kids are, you
know, I'm gonna fail my kids,fail my kids. Well, we can't
judge our parenting on ourkids' failure success. Look at
God. I mean, he's the perfectparent and he's got a lot of
messed up kids.
your kids are still gonna dowhat they do . So just give it
(42:36):
your best and love 'em andapologize. And you're the ,
keep it simple. Keep it, yourkids don't want the stuff you
want to give them. Just keep itsimple.
Speaker 1 (42:50):
Well , Dr. Meeker , thank you for your faithfulness
that God's call on your life toinvesting in parents and dads.
I know it's made a tremendousdifference and you're not done
yet. And so we'll include linksto, I know you talked about the
link to the course on talkingto your kids about sex. Yeah .
We talked about your coachingand all the other ways that
people could connect with you.
We'll put in the show notes and, uh, just thank you again for
the conversation. It was apleasure.
Speaker 3 (43:09):
Thank you.
Speaker 1 (43:10):
Well, hey, leader , thank you so much for listening
to my conversation with Dr.
Meer. I hope that you enjoyedit as much as I did. You can
find ways to connect with herand links to everything that we
discussed in the shownotes@lthreeleadership.org
slash four 16 . I also wannathank our sponsor again and
Dosha Marketing Solutions.
They're the producers of thispodcast. They're great friends.
And if you were looking forhelp with anything related to
(43:31):
marketing in your organization,I cannot recommend them enough.
I've recommended them to manypeople who use them and they've
all given the thumbs up and areso happy with the work that
they've done. You can learnmore about and dosha and
dosha.com, that's A-N-D-O-C-Ia.com . And as always, I like
to end every episode with aquote. And today I'll quote
David McKee who said this, hesaid, no other success can
compensate for failure in thehome. So true. David, thank
(43:53):
you. That's gonna wrap up ourpodcast for today. As always,
the leader, remember this,don't quit. Keep leading the
world desperately needs yourleadership. We'll talk to you
next episode.
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