Episode 27 - Blind Grabs from r/advice

In the search for more people to help, I found a subreddit dedicated to people requesting advice and read some for the first time live on the show. It went better than I could have hoped.

To see me squirm while trying to answer them, head over to youtube.com/couldhelp

Episode Transcript

(00:00):
Greetings and salutations, firsters and seconders, and welcome back to the

(00:06):
Laughing Matters Podcast Presents This Could Help. Yeah, yeah, that's right. Got a
lot of channel crossover right now and things are gonna get weird. Maybe. I don't know.
Anyways, if you saw the last episode, you saw that I decided first submission be
damned. I was going to go ahead and do my first advice episode. And thank you so

(00:31):
much for watching that. Unfortunately, I had had a hard time finding submissions
from people seeking advice, which was triggering flashbacks to my own barren
inbox at willhelpmail.com. Anyways, I have stumbled across a not only
bountiful source, but a somewhat pre-sorted one. Start by saying that I

(00:56):
have a very specific reason that I've used Reddit in the past, so I don't want
to hear all the moaning about the toxicity of so many of their user base. I
go to very specific Reddits where I have a very specific question that I would
like to take to people who are knowledgeable on the subject. And that's
where a lot of the experts hang out. So I go to r slash Samsung for stuff about my

(01:22):
phone or r slash lightsabers for any help that I need. And then I hear everybody
out, which is brilliant in its own right. Because typically if someone gives a
wrong answer, that makes the rest of them way more likely to post a response calling
it out. So it's pretty easy to spot a wrong answer. It's not cancel culture.

(01:44):
It's correcting culture. Yes. So if you haven't figured out yet, I went to r slash
advice and then I sorted by top of the year. So we're gonna try some of these
out. And again, a heads up, I have not pre-read any of these or read any of the

(02:05):
advice that was given on the website. I just unfocused my eyes a bit and
selected the bold text, copy and pasted it into a notepad file and haven't looked
since. So this is still 100% I'm seeing for the first time. New to me, new to you.
Let's go. So without further ado, blind selections from r slash advice.

(02:32):
Let's get it. My relationship right now is on the rocks. Okay. My boyfriend and I
are always fighting because of small things and and we can admit that we are

(02:52):
now both toxic. His family didn't like me at all because they think that I am the
reason why he is being like that. Toxic, I guess. They didn't know that he had
anger issues even before. Ah, I'm fairly well versed in anger issues. Mike got you

(03:19):
on this one. He easily gets mad and he's throwing a temper whenever he's mad.
That's not good. There are times that he almost hurt himself and me as well. But
once we calmed down, we could talk about what happened and we kept apologizing to
each other. I'm not sure what to do anymore. Is this still worth continuing?

(03:47):
How can we improve our relationship? Going further in this relationship makes
me happy and sad. Thank you for your help.
Okay, man. I didn't realize it was gonna be this hard to give advice. Like there

(04:14):
were gonna be so many moments where I'm just torn on things. But you came for
advice. Let's give you advice. Let's give you as good of advice as we can. Okay, so
out of the gate you talk about you guys are toxic for each other. Like you bring

(04:36):
out the toxicness in each other, which is basically saying that you guys bring
out maybe the worst in each other. But you definitely bring out stuff that you
would rather not have out. Things that aren't good for the relationship. Things
that aren't good for either of you. Toxic. So yeah, that immediately puts me

(04:59):
up on, well, if this is the first thing you're introducing the relationship as,
that might be telling enough on its own. But I want to give you the tools to
deal with whatever you choose to do. And maybe some helpful ways to figure it out.
But I'm not gonna tell you whether or not you should stay in this relationship.

(05:19):
God's a big proponent of free will. I am too. These are your decisions to make.
However, maybe I'll help you see a side of it that wasn't totally clear before.
Or we'll see where we get with this. So anger. The problem with passion in a

(05:42):
relationship is that in some it lights and fuels other fires. Like anger. And
anger becomes easy because something that they really care about is on the
line. We'll come back to that in a moment. But one of the key components of love

(06:02):
between partners is that you become emotionally tethered. If your partner
isn't happy, you in turn find yourself incapable of being happy. It's one of the
reasons you see that hollow smile from people that are nursing their partners

(06:25):
through terminal illnesses. It's also a big part of when they say when a
heart breaks, no it don't break even. When there's a breakup that's one-sided.
What am I supposed to do when the best part of me was always with you?
Right, when there's a breakup that's I'm falling to pieces. When there's a breakup

(06:52):
that's one-sided. That person still clutching the emotional tether is no
longer getting love from it. Affection from it. Purpose from it. And they now
have no one to send these to either. And their happiness, their happiness keeps

(07:12):
waiting for that emotional signal that says it's okay to be happy again. It's
particularly hard on the heart if they find out that the exes moved on happily
before they realize that their happiness will have to take its cues from
themselves for the time being. They don't really seem to understand how that

(07:36):
person can be happy when they themselves are still unhappy and the brain can't
really rationalize why they feel this way. Now some people that are fresh out
of a breakup rebound in an effort to hand that tether to somebody else for a
while. But they aren't the ones that made up half of the tether in the first place

(07:59):
so it just it doesn't feel right. Now there's a lot that I don't know from
your letter. I don't know if you're if you are in love with him or if your
happiness is dependent on his. I don't know the thickness and thoroughness of
your tether. And as I said before, I don't know if you should stay with him.
Now if you want the ultimate, quickest, most direct answer, if you believe in

(08:24):
some version of God, ask God. That's the only one with the inside track of how
every path plays out. If you need a yes or no to the question, should I stay with
him? God's the only one that you can get that correct answer from. Otherwise you
are going to have to decide that one for yourself. Now if you decide to stay with

(08:46):
him, I would recommend speaking with him about how his anger frightens you. But
coming at it from a point of saying that you want to be the person that helps to
quiet the storm that rages within, make him understand that ultimately he's the

(09:08):
one that's gonna have to do the heaviest lifting here. But let him know that you
want to be the cooled cloth to his feverish brow, the beauty that soothes
this savage for him. It's been my experience that guys that are quick to
rage, they hate that about themselves, but also they have a tendency to be

(09:32):
proud of said rage, their ability to rage, their fiercfulness. So treating it with
some a monochrome of respect will go far. But at the same time, no, it's not okay
for him to behave like this. You know, between you and me, not okay. But let's

(09:55):
approach this in a way that's appealing to him. And one of the ways to help calm
that storm that I myself have used because I may not look like it, but I had
very serious anger control issues when I was growing up. I wasn't even a short
fuse person. I was a an ember sitting on on just like open black powder, waiting

(10:19):
for somebody to just go, it was bad. That was bad. But I've spent a lifetime working on
that and I am a very calm, still very passionate person. My anger will always
be dangerous. My anger will always be a problem, but it's one that I've learned
to work through. So I'm gonna give you this to help with that. I call it the

(10:44):
kindergartner method. When you see his anger rising about something and it
would be helpful to let him know that this is gonna happen before he's
actually angry about something, lay out the game plan for this one so he knows
the game we're playing when this happens. But when he rages point-blank, ask him
what can I do to help you right now? If he says nothing, gently extend the offer

(11:09):
to listen without rebuttal, but be okay with leaving him alone too. I explain to
him that if you see him becoming angry or irritated that you're going to ask
him why he's angry. When he replies, you're going to ask, okay, but why does
that make you angry? Let him know this is probably gonna piss him off more, but

(11:36):
that's his anger trying to protect itself from him because it knows that
he's about to find a way out of its grip. If he keeps honestly answering the
question, okay, but why did that make you angry? He will reach the core of what is
generating all that anger. I call it the kindergartner method because you're just

(11:59):
constantly asking why. In the 15 years that I've been using this method on
myself, in every single instance looking that core in the eye and naming it out
loud either dissipated almost all of my anger or all of it, but that's got to be

(12:20):
something that he's willing to do. Famous stand-up comedian Chris Rock once said,
okay people say, oh relationships are tough. No they're not. They're only tough when one
person's working on it. That's right. Two people can move a couch real easy. One

(12:41):
person can't move it at all. So he's got to be willing to throw in with you on
this. I would say that's a gonna be a great indicator because his response
is his willingness to give that a shot should tell you where it give you an
idea of the depth of his commitment to this. If he's willing to go out for you,

(13:05):
if he's willing to be better for you, awesome. Let's see if that's a
possibility. And lastly, if you are going for it, I do want to give you a breaking
case of emergency kind of thing. This one's kind of an interesting fail-safe,
but it isn't one time you stop him in his tracks option. I don't know if you

(13:29):
know this, but music has proven to be an excellent trigger neurologically. It can
make you remember all sorts of emotions tied to what you felt and thought. So sit

(13:52):
down with him when he's nice and calm and neutral and give him a very happy
memory. However, you see best to do so and while you make this memory with him,
sing or hum a certain song of your choosing. Not one that you'll sing to
yourself while cleaning up or on a walk or whatever, but a song that will only be

(14:19):
sung with one purpose. When there's a truly happy moment between the two of
you, sing a line or two jokingly or hum it, but sing the song in some way,
playfully or just so you know even if it's in a silly voice, but tie it to
these lovely moments between you two. Let your love grow roots throughout this

(14:46):
song's melody. Never identify it to him as you know this is my happy song or I
sing it when we're happy. Just start doing it and keep doing it. It'll most
likely, you know, come off as a lovable quirk, but if all other methods fail and

(15:09):
you sincerely fear for your safety, you start singing that song. It should
disrupt his emotional storming enough to get away. If that doesn't feel safe, then
you wait until he's all the way down and then you get out of there. That really is

(15:32):
a last resort move that should serve as an absolute signal that it is time to
end the relationship. Past that point, yeah, the relationship is doomed to
almost certain failure, but not just that. You're in danger. I want to be clear

(15:52):
that the only reason that I'm giving you advice on how to work on this is because
you've said he almost hurt himself and me as well, which leads me to believe that
he did, he did, he scared you, but he didn't hurt you. If he had hurt you, get
the hell out of there. Sorry, man. That's... nope. Mm-mm. Don't stick around for that,

(16:18):
because the kind of guys that hurt women are the kind of guys that know how to
keep hurting women, and you don't...
I've seen that too many times, and I've seen where that leads. Don't be there for

(16:42):
that, please. If he starts hurting you, you get out, as he's not gonna stop. He may
stop for the moment, but in the long haul, no, he's not gonna stop.

(17:02):
But if you can get out in front of his anger, if you can be the beauty that
tames the savage in him, okay. I can also go way wrong, so please, please be
careful.

(17:25):
And no one enough is enough.
Time for the rest of you. Be good to them, be good for them, and you're gonna be
fantastic. I'm WS Walker. You're the Fantastic You. Bye, everybody.