The Dangers of Me-First Culture

Are we becoming workplace jerks in our quest for self-care? This provocative question frames our candid conversation about a troubling trend in modern self-help literature.

When bestsellers like "The Courage to Be Disliked" and "The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck" encourage readers to prioritize themselves, set rigid boundaries, and worry less about others' opinions, something valuable yet dangerous emerges. We unpack Emma Goldberg's thoughtful New York Times piece questioning whether these well-intentioned guides are fostering workplace selfishness.

The balance is delicate. There's tremendous value in speaking your truth and refusing to be a "Get-Along Gary" who sacrifices authenticity for harmony. Your perspective matters - both for your wellbeing and your organization's success. Yet there's a profound difference between healthy boundary-setting and dismissive self-centeredness that can destroy workplace relationships.

Perhaps most importantly, we explore the myth of solo success. Every one of us eventually needs support - whether during personal challenges or professional hurdles. If you've consistently prioritized only yourself, who will be there when you need help? As Tammy wisely observes, "None of us succeed on our own. We succeed because we're in a tribe."

Ready to navigate this complex terrain? Join us for an honest exploration of how to honor your needs without becoming the office jerk. Subscribe now and share your thoughts on finding that sweet spot between self-advocacy and genuine collaboration!

Episode Transcript

Karman (00:00):
Good morning Tammy and Scott.

Tammy (00:04):
Good morning sunshine.

Scott (00:06):
Well, hello there, Karman .

Karman (00:09):
You sound so formal, Scott.
Hello there.

Scott (00:14):
Sorry, there's a yeah, I can't say that in a recorded
podcast.

Tammy (00:19):
You say a lot of stuff, so it must be bad.
So we'll just let it.

Scott (00:23):
It's pretty risky yeah.

Karman (00:24):
And is it about me, we'll just it's, it's pretty
risky yeah and is it about me?

Scott (00:27):
no, it's uh, it's uh, it's uh.
I'm mimicking uh a part of amovie yeah, we'll just let it.

Karman (00:36):
Let it go Karman I was sort of picturing when you said
it like that, like you had a tophat.

Scott (00:43):
Oh yes, that is part of that movie.

Tammy (00:45):
Well, yep, you got it.
Karman Yep.
Now anybody who's a movie buffunderstands and it's
inappropriate.
So on to the next.

Scott (00:56):
Moving on.

Karman (00:59):
So I was reading a column, an article not a news
article, but like an opinionpiece the other day by an author
named Emma Goldberg, and shewas pointing out Emma.
Goldberg.
Do you know Emma Goldberg?

Scott (01:16):
No, I just was curious.
It was the.

Karman (01:19):
I mean, is there more than one?
Maybe, I do not know.

Scott (01:26):
Sorry.
What was the column about?
Karman?

Karman (01:29):
A business reporter covering workplace culture at
the New York Times.
She writes a lot of today'sself-help books that are focused
on like drawing boundaries,protecting your peace, worrying

(01:50):
less about what other peoplethink of.
You are basically turning usinto jerks.

Tammy (01:56):
I'm laughing so hard because I read that article this
morning before this podcastrecording.

Karman (02:04):
All right, well, so there we go.
So the question is like do youthink this is true, do you think
that there's, do you see thistrend, you know, toward
self-help?
That is about like, live your,you know, put yourself first.
And is it?

(02:25):
Is it a good thing for theworkplace, or are we all gonna
turn into jerks?

Scott (02:32):
what do you mean turn into I?

Tammy (02:35):
was gonna say scott's already there.
So in this space, in this space, you know, I think I think, in
all honesty, if we go back tothe article, she is actually
talking about a couple of books,right, and in this particular

(02:57):
space, the books that she istalking about is the Courage to
Be Disliked, the Subtle Art ofNot Giving a Bleep, right
Fawning.
These are kind of the booksthat are just hitting right now
and her message in that is quitbeing so.

(03:19):
I am going to appease others.
Okay, quit being so.
Just do what everybody says,get along with one another,
which was a message that, if wetake back and look back at other
generations, it was like getalong this thing is saying yeah,
yeah, Dale Carnegie, get along,make friends, influence people,
right Kind of a thing.

(03:41):
And the books now are sayingthis thing that says don't
appease.
Okay.
Now I think Emma in this spotwas being how do I want to say
it?
It's like she's picking onepiece out of these things and
saying, when you actually don'tappease, you end up being a jerk

(04:01):
.
And I'm not sure that I agreewith that particular premise.
Right, I think there is adifference between not appeasing
and being an asshole.
Okay, and so that's the piecein her article that I might
disagree with, because I think Ido.
I think it's important that weare not so worried about what

(04:21):
people think, that we don'tbring ourselves and our ideas to
the table.
Okay, how far do you take it?
Right, and I'm not sure thatthese books are saying take it
to the place where you stand upfront and say you're all
assholes and da, da, da, da, da,da, da da.
How you disagree, how you bringyour ideas to the table, how

(04:47):
you set boundaries.
That is all important.
And if you do it well, you arenot going to cause problems for
yourself or the organization.
Going to cause problems foryourself or the organization If
you do it in a selfish way, likeScott, pounding the table, you
know, and the stuff that hetalked about in the last podcast

(05:08):
.
The fact of the matter is thenwe will have jerks at work.
So I have no problem withhaving opinion, I have no
problem with bringing ideas tothe table.
I think it's the how you do itthat becomes important, and I
hope that these books and othersare not encouraging people to

(05:29):
not care about the how they dothat.

Scott (05:30):
Scott, what do you think, yeah, I've not read this
article, so I'm going to besoundbite, steve, for just a
moment.
And right, so I'm hearing kindof the headline and I think, and
right, so I'm hearing kind ofthe headline and and I think,
tammy, I, what you're saying Icompletely agree with.
There's a second part thatKarman I think hinted at or I
heard in her question is youknow, is it okay to put yourself

(05:53):
first?
Like are the self-help books?
And I think there is this howdo you take care of yourself so
that you can bring your bestself to the table?
I think that is reasonable.
I think that is something manypeople don't do.

(06:14):
Well, are they taking the timeto recharge and build their
resilience and those elements?
I think that's super important.
And if I do that and it causes,I'm going to say, harm, pain,
suffering to others or theorganization no, that just isn't

(06:37):
okay.
And it's this whole concept andyou can listen to the podcast of
last week and you can listen toour podcast about work-life
balance is bullshit from.
You know, I think that was lastyear, a couple years ago, at
the to me at the end I'm at anorganization, I'm drawing a

(06:59):
salary or I'm getting paid to doa job, assuming that is
reasonable.
Reasonable Like I need to be agood employee, or I need to be a
good leader and support peopleto be able to take vacation.
So I think there is this yes,people need decompression and
self-help, whatever that is,which could be I'm going to go

(07:19):
meditate.
It could be I'm going to takevacation.
It could be you know, whateverfloats your boat.
Yes, please do that and makethat a priority for sure.
And if you use that, frankly,as an excuse to not execute, to
not get outcomes, to not be agood team member, no, sorry.

Tammy (07:41):
Well, the piece about that, Scott and I'm glad you
brought it up, because here'sthe deal If I am so
self-interested, it's about me,and what I need, it's about me,
and what I want, it's about me,it's about me, it's about me,
it's about me, okay, where Iwill say that that's Emma in her
article is like I think theseauthors are trying to say make

(08:02):
it about you, okay.
Now again, I'm not completelysure that that's the intent of
these authors, but if that's themessage, People interpret it
that way.
Yeah, right, yeah, many peoplecould interpret that way when
they read these books.
They might interpret.
You know, I need to take careof me.
I need to put me first, okay.

Scott (08:23):
Or my boss is evil, or my company is evil because they
don't give me blah, blah, blah.
You know everything and it'slike.
Well, like this will probablysound like I'm too pro company.
Maybe for some it is the humanbusiness model.
You don't get everything.

Tammy (08:37):
Well, no, not if we're going to be successful, and
that's the other piece of this.
So, if it's about me and it'sabout me, and it's about me and
it's about me, please understandthat there will come a time
period that you will needsupport, okay, and you will need
support from the organization.
You know, times are tough,right, and I need the

(09:01):
organization to support me bygiving me a raise.
I need the organization tosupport me by letting me have
time off because this thing'shappening with my family.
I need support from my coworkerbecause I can't do this without
their help, right?
There comes a time period ineverybody's life that you are
going to need more than yourselfto get from here to there.

(09:25):
And if you have done all thisstuff, it's about me, it's about
me and it's about me and youhave not been willing to give to
others, whether that is theorganization, your co-workers,
your friends or your family,please understand, you're going
to be on an island, because ifyou're not willing to give, why

(09:45):
will anybody give to you?
So, this piece of reallyunderstanding that none of us
succeed on our own.
We succeed because we're in atribe and in that space, if that
tribe supports us, that persondoes this thing that I'm not
good at.
This person over here does thisthing that I'm not good at.

(10:08):
This person over here does thatthing that I'm not good at and
I do this thing that none ofthose people are good at.
This person over here does thatthing that I'm not good at and
I do this thing that none ofthose people are good at.
We together are better.
So if somebody reads into this,you know just like take care of
you, take care of you, takecare of you.
You're going to miss out onunderstanding and might have a
terrible consequence of weoftentimes cannot win on our own

(10:33):
.
We oftentimes cannot expand andlevel up and be all that we
could be on our own.
And if you're not a good friend, if you're not a good employee,
if you're not a good co-worker,they are going to exclude you
as well, because you've excludedthem in that space.
And so, yeah, read these books,by the way, those books that we

(10:55):
talked about.
I mean, they're bestsellers.
It's out there, it is a message, but don't get lost in it,
right?
I do think appeasing is notgreat.
I do think, not speaking up andsharing your perspective, we
lose out on another point ofview, I don't think saying yes
and being a get along, gary goback to our recent book right,

(11:20):
being a get along Gary is nothelpful for you, nor is it
helpful for the organization,nor is it helpful for your
friends.
Your perspective has value,okay, and please know, don't
take it to the point where it'sall about me.
It is about us, and I think,unfortunately, we're missing

(11:41):
that in today's culture, whereit's like I am doing all this
stuff for me and we've forgottenthat it takes more than you to
win.