When Sorry Doesn't Work | Jon Kidwell

Do you find yourself constantly saying "sorry" even when it’s unnecessary? This episode of the Leadwell Podcast tackles the delicate balance between apologizing and assertiveness in the workplace. Join us as we discuss how the habitual overuse of apologies can chip away at your credibility and self-worth. Drawing on expert insights from psychotherapist Beverly Engel and supporting data from various surveys, we shed light on the often-overlooked consequences of over-apologizing. We also share practical resources like "Redefine Your Servant Leadership" to guide you in refining your approach to leadership and communication.

Learn the art of effective communication by understanding when and how to apologize appropriately, focusing on the significant impact that avoiding unnecessary "sorries" can have on your professional relationships and self-respect. We cover strategies for reframing your contributions positively and setting clear boundaries, empowering you to confidently say no when needed. Through personal stories and actionable advice, this episode offers invaluable tools for fostering a more assertive and respected professional environment. Whether you're struggling to break free from people-pleasing habits or aiming to enhance your leadership skills, this episode is packed with tips and mutual support strategies to help you grow.

------------
Order your copy of Jon's book at RedefineYourServantLeadership.com, and don't forget to utilize the additional resources, or purchase access to the Workbook and Coaching Videos.

Send your Leadership and Business questions to Jon at [e-mail].

For more information visit https://leadwell.com

The Leadwell Podcast gives mission-driven leaders principled and practical advice to do just that, lead well.

In each episode, your host Jon Kidwell, interviews leaders with great stories, to share strategies that help leaders navigate complex, confusing, and often down-right challenging leadership, personal growth, business, and workplace culture situations.

Jon is a nonprofit executive turned coach, speaker, author, and CEO of a leadership development company. In working with nonprofits and businesses, big and small, he realized the unique challenges leaders face when they are committed to keeping the mission and people the top priority. Those leaders’ commitment to their principles and the people they lead, plus seeing the need for more leaders who strive to do the right thing, the right way, for the right reasons, is what inspired Jon to start a leadership development company dedicated to the success of mission-driven leaders and their organiza...

Episode Transcript

Jon Kidwell (00:03):
Can you imagine if we opened the podcast and said
hey, everybody, sorry to botheryou again this week, but we've
got a great episode for you, andsometimes we at work do things
like that.
So today we are talking aboutwhen we should and shouldn't say
sorry at work, and we're gonnawork our way through that.
Let's dive in.
Welcome to the Leadwell Podcast, the podcast for mission-driven

(00:28):
leaders, where we dive intowhat is important for you so
that you can lead your businessand your people.
Well, we are doing a summerseries.
It is short, meaning we're notgoing to do many of them, and
the episodes are going to beshort.
And I'm not going to apologizefor not having guests, because
today we're talking about whensorry doesn't work and that

(00:51):
would be a great example iswe're doing something that's
going to be great short summercontent, a short break from
guests and it is going to bewonderful for you all, for us,
for everybody listening.
There's no need to apologize.
And yet I still want to and I'mguessing that you have those
type of things as well, becauseyou are a people first leader.
You care about individuals, youwant to be kind and be well

(01:14):
thought of and be respected, andoftentimes there's that like
cordial like oh I'm sorry tobother you, oh I'm sorry to
bring this up, or I'm sorry tofollow up on X, y and Z, and the
problem with saying sorry,especially in things that we
can't control and that aretrivial and that aren't actually

(01:36):
our fault, is it moves very,very quickly from being
endearing to undermining us, ourcredibility, our leadership.
Let's dive into a couple ofsurveys and what they say.
There's an article from CNBCfrom a couple of years ago and
they pepper their way through abunch of different surveys, most
of them European.

(01:56):
But here's why and what theysay we shouldn't say sorry for,
we shouldn't over-apologize forthings that we don't have
control over, because this iswhat happens Quickly people will
lose respect for us.
In the book the Power of anApology, psychotherapist Beverly

(02:21):
Engel says that it's not sodifferent from
over-complimenting, right, kindof that.
Like good feedback, like hey,good job for what?
When we say sorry and it's notdirectly related to a mistake, a
wrong, a fault, something wereally sincerely need to
apologize for, people start tolose respect for us.
That this one is like oh yeah,aha, it diminishes future

(02:43):
apologies.
If I'm saying sorry foreverything, then when I say
sorry for the real things, allof a sudden they just don't seem
to stick and that it becomesannoying or it kind of moving
from endearing to undermining.
And then this one reallysurprised me.
It's the European Journal ofPsychology and they said that
when we apologize for thingsthat we don't actually need to

(03:05):
apologize for, it lowers ourself-esteem, it makes us think
less of ourselves, almost like asubordination, that we go from
being equal as individuals andkind of subordining ourselves in
roles to thinking less ofourselves.
Not thinking less, not thinkingof ourselves, less humility,
but actually thinking less ofourselves.

(03:28):
And so we need to figure outwhen not to say sorry.
And honestly, this was a bigpart of my journey in figuring
out how to redefine my ownservant leadership.
And if you wanted to dive intothat, if you are a recovering
people pleaser, like I am, andthis is something that you're
like, ah, you're speaking mylanguage and I just want you to

(03:49):
get to the tips, what do I do?
Go check out, redefine yourServant Leadership.
You can get it atredefineyourservantleadershipcom
.
We talk about it as one of themyths.
We talk about kind ofboundaries and how I can come as
a positionally and emotionallymature individual.
So go check out the book.
But that is not to keep us awayfrom the fact that we're going
to dive into a couple of thingshere.

(04:10):
So again, when?
When should we avoid sayingsorry?
Well, we should avoid it whenit's something that we don't
control, when it's really kindof trivial or when it is just
it's our segue into getting intothe meat of the conversation.
And when should we actuallyapologize?

(04:31):
Well, we should apologize whenwe're at fault, when we've made
a mistake, when we need toconvey our wrongness and our
feeling of being wrong and thatwe want to repair that
relationship and we want torestore how we work well
together and showing that we'renot perfect and that we have

(04:58):
faults and flaws and that wewant to grow through that, and
that actually gives ourselvesand our teams that growth
mindset.
So it's something that I wrotedown.
That I'm thinking about is youknow, be polite, but don't
confuse assertion withinterruption, because that's a
big one for me.
So don't confuse assertion withinterruption.

(05:21):
We need to assert what's neededin situations.
None of us get mad when thebuilding's on fire and
somebody's just coming in andsaying you need to drop
everything and get out of thebuilding.
Nobody in those situations sayshey, I'm sorry to bother you, I
haven't noticed.
If you noticed that there'ssmoke around, but you need to
leave, right, it's just boom.

(05:42):
Sometimes an assertion isneeded.
So what are a couple of thingsthat we can do?
Here's the first one Apologizefor faults, not feeling bad
mistakes.

(06:02):
When there is a wrong, an errorthat needs to be corrected, a
relationship that has beenbroken.
Apologize for faults, not justfeeling bad.
I feel bad when I can't attendall the meetings, but I also
feel bad when I discredit theother priorities that I have,
and so, instead of saying I'msorry I can't attend the meeting

(06:24):
, I'm sorry that I just thankyou for considering me.
Thank you for including me.
I can't be a part of thismeeting.
Maybe next time it's justasserting that I've.
Also.
I just got a really great onewhere we invited somebody to be
a part of something and theycouldn't, and they just said
thank you so much for thinkingabout me because of, and they

(06:47):
laid out all of these otherpriorities that they have not
all like it was this big laundrylist, but a couple of them and
that was just it.
I'm not able to do this.
Thank you for considering me,and it was wonderful.
On the receiving end.
I was like great, theyunderstand their priorities and
I can allow them to focus onthose priorities as well.

(07:08):
And so, number one apologize forfaults, not just for feeling
bad.
Number two flip the script,like sometimes we say things
like oh, I'm sorry for bringingthis up, and then we bring up
something that's reallyimportant, right.
However, we've just discreditedand kind of made it feel like

(07:32):
oh, yes, this is an absoluteintrusion to the progress of the
meeting or to whatever ideas wehad, and yet it was thoughtful,
it was considerate, it's needed.
It brings a differentperspective.
So, instead of saying sorry forbringing this up, just say
something important for us toconsider or something else that

(07:55):
we may want to think about.
And all of a sudden, itreframes it from an intrusion to
an assertion.
It reframes it from anobligatory oh, we've got to go
here too.
No, this is a valid and realthing that we need to look at,
and especially for all of usthat are thinking about people

(08:17):
and business and the work thatwe do and why it matters.
Those are wonderful assertionsand contributions, because it's
not just what, but it's why andit's how.
And those aren't anything toapologize for.
They're something to bring andto celebrate and to make sure
are included.
So flip the script.
I'm sorry to bother you isanother one, and we can flip the

(08:38):
script on that by saying is nowa good time to, and then put in
the actual important thing Isnow a good time to review what
we talked about yesterday.
Is now a good time for me toget clarification on your
expectations around this project.
Is now a good time for us totalk about the proposal that I

(09:00):
sent to you two weeks ago.
It's just it's asking aquestion, which is really what
we're doing, and it's still apolite way to bring up the thing
that we really need to talkabout.
So apologize for faults, notfor just feeling bad.
Flip the script.
And then the last one that wecan forego sorry, because it

(09:21):
doesn't work all the time is wecan get comfortable saying no.
We don't have to say I'm sorry.
No, we can just say no.
No is a very clear, veryspecific, wonderfully beautiful
short sentence and it's okay.
Sometimes we just need to sayno.

(09:41):
And the beautiful thing aboutsaying no is it actually
releases us to say yes on otherthings, saying no to too many
obligations and then actuallyhaving to apologize for breaking
commitments.
Saying no on the front endallows us to say yes to those
obligations, those priorities,so that we don't have to

(10:02):
apologize in the future for anactual warranted apology.
Saying no also sets some of thatboundary.
Saying no gives permission toother people to also not have to
overcompensate andover-apologize for things that
are merely just endearing andkind of rote ways that we handle

(10:24):
it and not actually keepingthings focused on what is most
important apologizing for faults.
So a couple of just thingsgoing through wrapping it up
here when sorry doesn't work iswhen it moves from endearing
overuse to actually underminingus, our leadership, people's

(10:45):
respect for us and the validityof a true apology.
And a couple of things that wecan do is we can apologize for
faults but not just for feelingbad.
That we can flip the scriptfrom I'm sorry to bother to is
now a good time, or just movinginto something else for us to

(11:06):
consider.
And the last one is gettingcomfortable with saying no, and
we need to be aware and mindfulof our priorities and all of
those things so that we can sayno.
But getting comfortable withsaying no allows us to say yes
and to say sorry when sorry isthe most appropriate thing.

(11:26):
So, as we go, something for you.
Think about one of these areas,kind of the I'm sorry to bother
you, the apologizing for faults,not feeling bad, or where maybe
you need to say no, send me amessage on social media and then
the other thing to do is thisis hard and it takes somebody to

(11:46):
walk alongside you with becauseyou're going to be changing
behavior.
So take this episode.
Think about somebody you workwith where you all have already
been having this conversationaround oh, we do this too much.
We need to get better at this.
Share this episode with thatperson.
So now you have a compadre,somebody that can be a you know

(12:07):
sorry, not sorry check-in friend, so that you all can do this
together and support each otherin being assertive, being
apologetic when needed, but notoverly apologizing and
undermining what you are tryingto do at work and the type of
individual and character you aretrying to portray.
Thanks so much for being heretoday.

(12:28):
I hope you got a lot out of it.
I hope that you can moveforward with even more
confidence and focus on leadingthe business and the people well
and I am not sorry about that.
You are going to go, do greatthings, get after it, be well,
god bless and lead on my friends.