June 11, 2025 • 55 mins
Dr. Greg Stewart opens up about his profound journey from emotional brokenness to inner strength in this candid, transformative conversation. Drawing from his background as a telehealth counselor with a PhD in counselor education and supervision, he shares how his personal struggles—including an emotional affair that ended his marriage—became the crucible for understanding negative emotions as pathways to growth rather than obstacles to avoid.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Chris Grainger (00:03):
Welcome to the Lion Within Us, a podcast
serving Christian men who arehungry to be the leaders God
intends you to be.
I'm your host, chris Granger.
Let's jump in.
All right, fellas, this is yourmeat episode.
Let's get right into it, okay?
So Scripture of the Week thisweek is in the book of Jeremiah,
chapter 20, verse 9.
It says but if I say I will notmention his word or speak any
(00:23):
more in his name, his word is inmy heart like a fire.
I fire, shut up in my bones.
I am weary of holding holdingit in, indeed, I cannot.
So, guys, beautiful scripture.
If you haven't had a chance, goback and listen to the
spiritual kickoff episode.
It'd be one episode back inyour podcast feed where we
really try to take this versehere and simplify and apply it
(00:47):
to your walk.
Okay, and again, we do thisevery day, monday through Friday
, within the Lion Within Uscommunity, big part of what we
do to try to encourage you inyour walks.
If you need some dailyencouragement, and you know you
do, head over to thelionwithinus, because that's how you get
connected with us.
Okay, guys, all right.
So we had a fun guy that'scoming in here.
Dr Greg Stewart lives inRockwall, texas.
(01:08):
He is a full-time telehealthcounselor, executive coach,
consultant.
Amazing guy, tons of experienceand background.
He actually has his PhD incounselor education and
supervision.
He's been to seminary.
It's just a fun story with him.
He talks about some of hisbooks.
(01:29):
He's writing around IQ, butreally talking about unlocking
the inner strength behind ournegative emotions.
And I don't know about you, butas a guy I struggle with this.
This is something that I'mconstantly working with the
negative emotions that just keepfestering and building up, and
building up, and building up.
You know what comes out?
It's usually lash.
It's not very good.
What comes out.
Dr Greg talks about this.
(01:49):
So it's a fun, fun conversation.
Hopefully you guys are going toenjoy this one with my friend,
dr Greg Stewart.
Well, greg, welcome to the LionWithin Us.
How are you doing today, sir?
Dr. Greg Stewart (02:01):
I'm doing great, sir, and how are?
Chris Grainger (02:03):
you doing, I was doing good.
It's a beautiful day, sowhere's home at?
Dr. Greg Stewart (02:06):
for you, rockwell Texas.
So if you know the I-30, i-30goes right downtown Dallas and
downtown Fort Worth.
So you take I-30 about half anhour outside of downtown Dallas,
right there in Rockwell Texas.
Beautiful area.
Chris Grainger (02:22):
I love it, love it, love it.
That's great.
Well, love to know, before wedive into anything heavy here,
what's something fun about youthat maybe not many people know
about.
Dr. Greg Stewart (02:34):
Something fun about me was I can go through
the story, but I was basicallywe're empty nesters and I just
had my first, our firstgrandchild, born on February 1st
.
Chris Grainger (02:44):
So that is beyond fun it was a little boy
or girl.
Dr. Greg Stewart (02:49):
Little boy, he's Dean Mylon Stewart, so my
son's son, and the middle nameMylon was named after my
grandson's great-grandfather, mygrandfather.
So, yeah, it's just beyondhonoring and beyond beautiful.
Chris Grainger (03:04):
Love it Legacy.
Are they close by?
Yeah?
Dr. Greg Stewart (03:09):
so, yeah, we're in Rockwell and then my
kids, like, live in Aubrey,Texas, which is north of Dallas.
Okay, but we're all in roughlythe same area.
My wife and I have seven kids.
Between the two of us We've gota few kids up in Arkansas, but
we've got one boy in Austin, butthe most of us we got a few
kids up in Arkansas, but we'vegot one boy in Austin, but the
most of us all of them are rightthere in the Dallas area.
So we're trying to get ourAustin boy up here, even though
(03:29):
he loves Austin.
No Arkansas kids down, butArkansas is beautiful too.
Chris Grainger (03:35):
That's really cool.
So it's a big family, soundslike.
Dr. Greg Stewart (03:43):
Yeah, my wife came in with four kiddos and I
came in with three.
Now people say, wow, seven kids.
But it's not like they're allpreschoolers running around.
I just basically her, my wife'syoungest daughter.
I was with her.
You raised her the last sixyears when she was like from 12
on.
So right, but really, and wehad some kids live with us for a
period of time here and there,but it's not like we had seven
preschoolers running around.
You know that'd been a bit much.
Chris Grainger (04:07):
Yeah, that would add to the stress, I'm sure.
Well, I'm excited.
Thank you so much for joiningus today.
You know you took a lot ofeffort in putting your book
together here about the innerstrength behind your negative
emotions.
Just curious what led you toeven wanting to venture down the
path of writing this.
Dr. Greg Stewart (04:24):
So I'll kind of give you the background story
, because at the end it leadsinto it, but it only takes a
minute or so.
So I became a Christian when Iwas a kiddo, like a lot of us
did in junior church.
I'm from Michigan originally,so go blue, yeah.
So my parents were going tochurch, which meant I quit going
(04:50):
to church and then did theproverbial party hearty teen
years and then suffer theconsequences from those years
and then recommit my life toChrist and then landed back at
the same church.
I became a Christian.
I was a kid.
Well, I felt called into theministry.
So I went on a summer longmissions trip in South America.
I went to a Bible institute fora year but then came back and
then I was back in the day, likein the 90s when the adult and
continuing education programstarted, like the adults of us
who had like 160 credit hoursbut no bachelor's degree.
(05:12):
So they say, hey, go one nighta week for a year and you'll get
a degree.
So I got my organizationalleadership.
So I needed a bachelor's degreebecause my plan is to go to
seminary and love the material.
But I wanted to get ontoseminary.
But my first semester inseminary, uh, was kind of like a
defining moment.
I took philosophy of counselingokay.
So my eyes were open on twothings.
(05:33):
One is how powerful thematerial could be used in
ministry.
But secondly I started torealize how many issues I had
right.
So I mainly mapped out a dualmaster's degree, got my, my MDiv
, in three years and then got onmy, got my MA in counseling.
But in between that and theyear 2000,.
Actually Y2K.
Another defining moment it'swhen I started number one
(05:54):
teaching as an adjunct professorin all the organizational
leadership courses I took in anundergrad and fell in love with
that topic.
Secondly, I came across thebook Emotional Intelligence by
Daniel Goleman, written back in95.
And that is the book thatpopularized EI.
But number three is I wasunderneath a pastor who loved
the Lord with all of his heart,prayed all the time, read the
(06:16):
Word of God.
But it was a crisis for mebecause it's like he, but he had
so many like emotionalstruggles and I couldn't
reconcile that.
So after I got my MA incounseling, I actually became
the senior pastor of the church.
So I was at the same church.
I got saved as a kid for 15years youth associate and senior
pastor.
It was just a blessing beyondblessing.
And then in 2005, I started myPhD.
(06:37):
So I got a PhD in countereducation and supervision, but I
did my dissertation on therelationship of emotional
intelligence with jobsatisfaction and organizational
commitment.
And then I moved from Michiganto Texas in 2012, and I was at a
company for three years flyingaround the country doing
organizational strategy, metwith senior leadership teams as
(06:58):
a consultant and coach, loved it.
But the company got bought outand about 80% of us got laid off
.
So if you've never been laidoff before, it's an incredible
experience, right Sarcastically.
But then I worked at aresidential treatment center.
Now, with all that success, mybook I've been wanting to write
for about 20 years.
But the actual the I cubedpiece I've been wanting to write
for about 25 years.
(07:19):
But out of all that success,chris, what the dark stain that
turned into God working was in2011, I have an emotional affair
Right, which simply means Ididn't do anything physically
with the guy, was just allemotional and my marriage never
recovered from that.
So I went through divorce.
At that point I began a 10 yearhealing process.
(07:39):
That's been.
There's a lot I talk a lot aboutin the book that's been.
There's a lot I talk a lotabout in the book.
But the book because I, aftermy in 2020, during COVID, I
transitioned from theresidential treatment center
working with teenagers to doingwhat I'm doing now, which is I
see, you know, all telehealthabout 40 clients a week or so
and do some executive coaching.
But it's really this book andmy second the book after that
(08:00):
was IQ for Couples came out ofthat journey and so it's just I
say to clients that this book isabout Greg, you know, along
with all my cycle, babble,techniques and stuff, walking
through my own journey, andthat's kind of where it
culminated and the Lord gave mea chance last year to write and
it came out in November.
Chris Grainger (08:20):
Wow Well, thank you so much for sharing I know
it's a lot.
Dr. Greg Stewart (08:23):
There's a lot there.
Chris Grainger (08:29):
There's a lot.
There's a lot there.
There's a lot there too, forsure.
I mean, I don't know whatyou're comfortable with sharing,
only only, uh, the emotion.
What did you say?
It was the the type of affair.
It wasn't a physical affair, itwas a emotional affair.
Is that emotion?
Dr. Greg Stewart (08:35):
just like relational, like I just like
fell emotionally and I you knowjust texting conversations and
different things.
It wasn't, it wasn't evensexual in the texting
conversations, it was justemotional and just a lot and
just completely inappropriatebecause I was a married man,
right.
So yeah, I talk about in thebook.
So on that whole healingprocess, um, and I work with a
lot of couples with you know,trying to heal from affairs and
(08:57):
stuff, and even with my divorceand stuff, and I wrote my book,
iq for couples, my marriagecounseling, and the
effectiveness of it has triplequadruple because you know I've
been there, I know what whatmakes a marriage like fall apart
.
So yeah, I mean I'm open tosharing because the goal is for
all of us, regardless of whatthe hurt is, is to be able to
say that I'm stronger now thanI've ever been.
(09:19):
Right, I wouldn't wish thatupon anybody.
I'm stronger now than I've everbeen.
So my journey with men, withcouples, is to give them hope,
like there's a lot of pain there, but the whole subtitle of the
book unlock the inner strengthbehind your negative emotions.
I said this is a journey, soyou've got to, you've got to
walk into those negativeemotions because that's where
the Lord wants to meet you.
(09:39):
Yeah Right To do the miracle.
Yeah Right To do the miracle,right.
So then your shirt says but God, so story, story, story.
But God, even though I was deadin my trespasses and sins.
But God, even though I had anemotional affair, my marriage
fell apart, but God, that's thestory.
Chris Grainger (09:57):
Love it.
Love it Because I know there'slots of guys I talk with Greg.
They flirt with that that sideof know.
Well, I'm not she, I'm notphysically doing anything, I'm
not cheating, you know, and theyjustify that with pornography
or or different areas as well,and I'm like, look, guys, it's
you have to be super carefulbecause you're opening up a can
of worms that you're notprepared to to deal with.
(10:18):
And so it's just.
I'm encouraged when guys likeyou are just bold enough to
share the truth of what actuallyhappened.
Dr. Greg Stewart (10:23):
Yeah, absolutely, and with all that
stuff, I hope guys inpornography too.
It's just as far as there's.
I think there's two decisionswe need to make as Christians.
One is the decision forsalvation, to accept the gift
right and it's a gift right.
Do you want salvation?
Believe in the blood of Jesus.
You're going to heaven.
I think that the second decisionwe need to make and I know
(10:45):
there's some theology here, butit's the decision for it to be a
disciple, the decision to makehim your first love, the
decision to leave all and followhim, because Jesus said you
need to first sit down and countthe cost of what this is.
So that's why I think it's asecond decision and in that
second decision of making himyour first love, it I think it's
(11:05):
a second decision and in thatsecond decision of making him
your first love, it's if you'relike the show of the chosen
that's out now.
That's just phenomenal.
If you're walking with the LordJesus like as one of those
disciples.
Would you participate in any ofthis stuff?
Of course not Right.
So it kind of is a slam dunk onwhat is the right thing to do.
As far as purity Flee, alsoyouthful lusts.
Chris Grainger (11:25):
Yep, right, the discipleship piece is huge, greg
.
That's an area we talk about alot in the land because I feel
like that's just a stumblingblock for many churches not all
churches, but many just reallystruggle with that discipleship
component.
We're really worried aboutgetting to salvation, which is
obviously important, reallyworried about getting to
salvation, which is obviouslyimportant.
(11:46):
But walking with someone youknow, jesus talked to the masses
, you know, but he was he, hereally discipled his 12.
And just curious, from yourstandpoint, do you see, what can
we be doing to be leaning intothat discipleship you know more
intentionally, Right so.
Dr. Greg Stewart (12:01):
So if I may, I'm going to first approach it
from a from a counseling.
I was like using psychobabbleCause I.
So, if I may, I'm going tofirst approach it from a from a
counseling.
I was like using psychobabblebecause I get the that stuff,
especially when it comes to guys.
So in the first chapter of mybook I talk about that.
Everything we do is trying toachieve an emotional goal, right
?
So just let's not be afraid ofemotions.
We have them.
So the emotional goal is likeis good.
So there's micro emotionalgoals, and then there's macro.
(12:22):
The micro one is I, I feelmicro emotional goals.
And then there's macro.
The micro one is I, I feelthirsty, so I don't want to feel
thirsty, so I get a drink orfeel hungry, so arrested.
But it's really about the macroemotional goals, the macro
emotional goals that every human, this is good, it's it's good
and the way god created it is toincrease our quality of life in
three ways increase ourstandard of living, which is big
for us, live our values, valuesand fulfill destiny, calling
(12:46):
and purpose.
And those macro are always inour periphery.
So one is just to validate andjust recognize, build
self-awareness around theemotional goal we're trying to
achieve.
And for guys, the majoremotional goal we're trying to
achieve is significance, honor,respect and any synonym.
So number one it's we have toevaluate whether it be that or
(13:07):
something smaller, like I wantto relieve stress.
We have to evaluate the path wetake, the behavioral path, the
choices we take to achieve theemotional goal.
In simple business, we all knowthat if I'm trying to decrease
stress in my life and I take thepathway of drinking you know
it's five o'clock somewhere anddrinking alcohol every day, I
use the four words rational,healthy, wise and right.
(13:29):
So we have to kind of assesswhether our path fits those four
things rational, healthy, wiseand right.
Right.
So that's one analysis.
So we drink alcohol.
It's not rational or healthy,wise or right to take that path
to achieve a mental goal.
But secondly, and moreimportantly, is, when our
emotional goals are blocked,what's our response to it?
So I use this analogy of youknow, kind of picture, the house
(13:49):
of our heart behind us, andthis is every human in disguise,
and we're standing on the frontlawn of that yard, of our yard,
trying to guard our heart.
Right, we do this and in frontof us are all the things that
are triggering us with thenegative emotions, whether it be
our spouse, our kids, our job,whatever the case is.
So that's not again.
It's rational, meaning that,like, if you said something to
(14:10):
me, you insulted me or whatever,did your mama joke, whatever?
So on a scale of one to 10, howbig of a deal is that?
Well, most of the time it'slike a one or two, right?
But first thing I want guys tonotice is the inflation.
So most of the things that arecreating the negative emotions
whether it be, you know, anger,stress, whatever most of the
(14:31):
things are at a one or two.
But we are at a six, seven oreight of negative emotional
energy.
So if I'm upset with my spouse,then the one or two might be a
thing I need to address with her, burn that emotional energy to
address it with her.
But the six, seven or eightinflation is not her issue,
right?
So I have to turn around andwalk into the house of my heart
(14:53):
and all the rooms I use asemotions like.
The first room is insecurity.
Then there is anxiety, stress,anger, depression and so on.
So in that first room ofinsecurity for guys, I tell the
story when I was again fromMichigan.
I worked at a hamburger joint,like a lot of us did, when I was
14 years old, and we were allfriends there.
But, chris, I used to be asuper sarcastic teenage guy,
(15:16):
right, but you can tell I'vematured, right, just validate me
, right.
So one time I teased this girlso bad, I made her cry, and
while she's walking away cryingeven worse, I yell out.
You wouldn't get so ticked offif it wasn't true.
But right at that momentanother defining moment because
I turned it on myself and I said, oh my gosh, greg, every time
(15:42):
you get upset or defensive or,you know, ticked off, that
somebody insulted you, there'struth to it.
Then I started observingeverybody saying oh my gosh,
anytime we trash talk oneanother, there's got to be truth
to it, or else it won't work.
So good thing, guys, is that wehave insecurities, which means
what?
There's something we don't likeabout ourselves which is not
bad.
There's always thing, butthat's not the issue.
The issue is we don't want topoint out or exposed, right?
So that's the big deal.
(16:06):
So then, when it comes to threereasons for the inflation, one
is we believe lies.
We can believe a lie aboutourselves and, like I say satan.
You know satan's got one tool.
He doesn't have a toolbox, hehas a holster.
And those lies come in the formof me, he, we lies about myself
, lies about god or lies aboutour relationship ever since
genesis 3.
So the first step in decreasingnegative emotions is emotions
(16:27):
don't produce themselves.
They come from sentences ofinterpretation in our mind.
This is again for every person.
We've got to buildself-awareness around those lies
.
It could be something like I'llnever get a job or this will
never work out.
The second reason for theinflation is next, on the room
of insecurity, there's a doorwaythat goes into the basement and
this is huge.
And when we take thingspersonally, in the basement is
(16:52):
the machine of identity, valueand worth, and we take things
personally.
That negative experience isimpacting our value and worth.
I just had a session thismorning with a guy in Ohio that
just it was like this was anepiphany for him because he
didn't realize how angry he hasbeen towards his wife and family
.
And then over in the corner inthe cellar doors, the is the
(17:15):
door trauma.
I get big t trauma, little ttrauma.
Whether it be the big t and alittle like you know, veteran
stuff or little t trauma is justlike a lot of negative events.
We've been through that.
What happens is we go into asituation and our mental model
goes oh no, chris, here we goagain.
It scoops up that emotion fromthe past and dumps it.
So long answer to your question.
Basically, we have to be awareof recognizing we everything,
(17:37):
we're trying to achieve it as anemotional goal and guys, we're
big on success, we're big onsignificance.
And when those goals are, whenthat is blocked, whether it be
at work or with our spouse, weget inflated because we believe
lies about it, take itpersonally or it reminds us of
our past.
Chris Grainger (17:53):
Love it, love it , guys.
We're going to take our firstbreak and we'll come back.
Keep diving in.
With Dr Greg, I've gotsomething big to share.
We're making a major shiftbecause we know the battle is
real and it's time more men hadaccess to the support they need.
For too long, guys have beentrying to carry the weight alone
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(18:16):
world that demands strength butoffers no place to rest.
We see it, we've lived it, andthat's exactly why we built our
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It's a stronghold, a placewhere warriors can find rest,
truth and a band of brothersstanding beside them.
And starting now, we're makingit easier than ever to step in.
We've lowered the barrier tojust $15.99 a month.
(18:37):
That means, for less than thecost of a drive-thru lunch, you
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Inside you'll find access toour daily spiritual kickoffs
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, our Friday Forge gatheringsall that and so much more.
Every man needs a stronghold andyou don't have to fight alone.
If you've been waiting for theright time to jump in, this is
(19:00):
it.
Go to thelionwithinS and jointhe community and see for
yourself what happens when irontruly sharpens iron.
You know, one of the favoriteitems of the book that I read
was it says the issue isn't whatthey think of you.
The issue is what you think,what you think of you, and being
honest with ourselves anddigging in that vulnerability
(19:20):
and being honest with ourselvesand digging in that
vulnerability, man, that'sthat's.
That's hard, because you'retrying to rewrite that internal
story.
So how do you, how do you helpguys with that piece?
Right?
Dr. Greg Stewart (19:31):
So there's three things that are like on
the in the insecure checker.
And security is like anothergal.
Y'all remember this one when,when I wrote the story about one
gal says Dr Greg, she's pushingmy buttons and I said, well,
uninstall your buttons.
The issue isn't that she'spushing your buttons, the issue
is you have buttons to push.
Same thing there when there's aname calling that, um, dr Greg,
(19:52):
you know she called me thisname andI said, well, the issue
isn't that she called you thatname, the issue is that you
agree with her, but you didn'twant her to point it out.
Okay, so it's that recognitionof why do I have these negative
emotions?
And the big one isdefensiveness.
And and, and a big one for usguys, right, because when we get
defensive, like literally theonly reason, it's either you.
(20:16):
You're getting defensivebecause it's either true, but I
don't want to own it, or it'snot true, but I'm believing it
to be true, or or that somebodyis trash talking me and I'm
believing it to be true, or thatsomebody is trash talking me
and I'm worried about theinfluence.
So, again, what negativeemotion we have to label?
One is negative emotion isenergy Emotion is energy good or
bad or good or negative.
(20:37):
Secondly is to have the rightlabel.
So, like when guys have anger,realizing that anger is always a
result of fear, fear hurt.
So when I'm getting defensiveright, the issue is what I'm
thinking about me, right?
So I'm afraid of what otherpeople think about me, and so
you have to label it right.
It's because anger is focusedon the outside again, but fear
(20:58):
and hurts inside.
So it's a matter of justrecognizing one.
What negative emotion is whereI'm feeling?
So we walk into them and I saythis we got for, this is for
everybody.
We got to put down themicroscope and pick up the
mirror and all this is in.
Because number three is allnegative emotions exposing
something in me, and that soundsbad, but I keep trying to
(21:21):
convince people that thisactually gives you back the
power.
So my goal in the entire bookis to take all power away from
the environment and give it backto yourself, right?
So part of it is again, I wouldjust say the step is recognize
what emotional goal you'retrying to achieve.
Number two what path are youtaking and what path is being
blocked?
And then figure out thenegative emotions and is it
(21:42):
really lies I'm believing or isit that I'm taking it personally
?
It's impacting my value andworth, or is it because of a
past experience?
It's like, if I may get likereally deep in some theology, or
so, back in january, chris thelord said, um.
He told me, greg, you've neverlearned how to be a son, right,
and I knew it was him becausepeople hearing from God, you
(22:03):
know it's the Lord.
When you hear a phrase in yourmind that you would never say
Right, you know that's how youkind of know it's the spirit.
So the verse that came to mindthis is what just has been I've
just been chewing.
This is when it says in Hebrews,of Jesus as a son, he learned
obedience to the things that hesuffered.
Okay, now think about eachphrase.
(22:25):
Now, the things that hesuffered.
We mainly think of the cross,but it doesn't match the rest of
the verse, right?
So the suffering is not thecross, the suffering is his life
.
As a son, he learned process,obedience to the things that he
suffered.
The suffering is in all theseemotional goals, right?
So he has overcome the world.
What is the world?
The lust of the flesh, the lustof the eyes, the pride of life.
It's all an emotion.
(22:47):
What we want to feel, guys, andfor especially those of us who
are married, the number oneemotional goal we want to feel
is to be admired and sexuallydesired by our spouse, right and
when that goal is blocked.
So in our process and this iswhere I think, because I thought
okay, how, why did God createmarriage the way he did in the
family?
So you have father, son, holySpirit, and he duplicated that
(23:10):
in the family.
So I thought about to myself,as far as when the Lord says
you've never learned how to be ason, that I started to say OK,
as a son, I need to learnobedience to the things that I'm
suffering.
My suffering is in the realmsof a variety of emotions I want
to feel as far as significance,living my values, trying to
achieve destiny, calling andpurpose.
But the anchoring and this iswhat, so I'm praying to the
(23:32):
father, so the way it's supposedto work is in a healthy
father-son relationship, that mymorality is anchored out of
fear, honor and respect of myfather, both on earth and in
heaven.
This is Jesus as a son, helearned obedience.
Once that anchoring happens,that keeps our hearts anchored
(23:55):
in morality, guys, that, as theLord, as we pursue destiny,
calling and purpose andsignificance.
It's done in a healthy way andwe all hate the phrase and I get
it, but the whole toxicmasculinity comes from what it
comes from that your heart isnot anchored in morality.
And in your pursuit ofsignificance and success you're
(24:18):
seeking all these otherunhealthy paths like competition
Like I can drink more beersthan you can drink.
You get in competition withyour spouse Honor me, I want to
be respected.
You get in competition withyour son, your children, like
you insult them, like you'rejust a boy, right.
So that's all a result of notbeing anchored in morality and
(24:40):
pursuing a healthy way.
But if it's healthy, then Ipursue the significance where
I'm secure in my identity, valueand worth.
And so once I'm secure there,then when I become a father,
just like the father did withhis son, then all glory goes to
my son.
So I have twin boys who are 25and I'm secure enough in my
(25:00):
identity, value and worth thatall I just, all exaltation.
I help them fulfill theirdestiny, calling and purpose.
And here's the other key.
The holy spirit, guys, is ourwife.
It's she's in the home as wifeand mother and she talks to us
and she's ever present.
(25:21):
Right, just like Jesus saidthat we don't know where the
wind blows in the spirit, wedon't know, right.
And so we, we hear now I tellwives, you gotta be careful,
ladies, because they arediscerning, right.
Women, they, I, they, how aboutyou, chris?
They scare me Like it's like somany wives just sense it, they
just know, can't tell you.
Like you know, I just I've beensensing something, so I just
(25:42):
checked his phone, right, it'slike, how do you guys know it?
Right, well, I have a reasonfor that.
But so, but, guys, when ourwives, a spirit of discernment
getting over to a spirit of fear, is a spirit of suspicion, now
that's what they have to workthrough.
But healthy wives, they throwout to us when we get defensive
(26:03):
because we feel like they'retrying to control us or attack
us.
No, so, just like the spirit,don't quench the spirit in your
home, don't grieve the spirit.
That's her gift and her numberone goal is security.
So all this plays in together,even theologically, that when it
comes to our negative emotions,our identity, value and worth
(26:24):
and what God wanted to create inthe home.
That's why we're a Satan attackin the family, fatherless homes
, and then we have sons tryingto gain significance right in
just all these horrible ways.
And if you were saying, whatwould you do?
And it's trying to go after theheart of a man, making him
(26:46):
insecure, to make him seeksecurity through competition and
through control and power.
John Eldredge wrote, while theheart said that our strength is
supposed to be on our strengthon behalf of others, versus
toxic masculinity, is we'reusing our strength to overpower
others.
Chris Grainger (27:07):
Right, and that's the weakness.
Do you think that the wholetoxic masculinity narrative you
know, do you see that gettingpushed more and more,
particularly within the church,as this?
If you just look across thelandscape of culture, man, it's
out there.
I just see that the next bigattack it seems to be old men.
Dr. Greg Stewart (27:26):
Right, and it's kind of like a strength a
good thing, or a strength takentoo far becomes an extreme.
So, out of the very legitimatething, trying to take away toxic
masculinity, which iseverything on the negative side,
like strength to overpowerothers, which is healthy then
they just eradicate all the goodcomponents of masculinity.
(27:46):
Right and it's just.
But we can't do, baby, we can'trespond to an extreme with an
extreme Right.
So it's, yes, there is such athing as call it whatever you
want, but it's not Christlike tooverpower others.
So we have to make sure that.
And again, christian guys Imean, once they get settled in
it, they're good.
And again, it's only in theextreme side of the church and
(28:09):
stuff that we, you know, weappreciate the Holy Spirit in
our home.
Again, they're one.
But we are still men who want topursue and seek significance,
which we should right, like thefather and the son, but we have
to do it in an anchored way.
That's the key.
Yeah, but yeah, no, we no, I'ma.
I'm a man and I want to be aman.
(28:29):
I want to be significant, andthere's a lot of good aspects of
that, that I'm not going toeradicate my masculinity in
order to to honor femininity.
That's ridiculous.
I want to honor femininitywhile still being masculine,
that's right.
But I want to do it in ahealthy, mature way.
Chris Grainger (28:46):
I'm super curious for the guys that you've
worked with and just from yourexperiences out there, you know
what is the number one negativeemotion for men that they
struggle with, and is there acommon lie that's that's
attached to it, that that?
Dr. Greg Stewart (28:59):
you hear, yeah , the number one, a negative
emotion.
Well, it gets displayed asanger, right, all right, and
whether it be externalized orinternalized, it's.
It's an anger because you know,they use power, right, they use
power in order like, and that'swhat anger is.
Anger is a very powerfulnegative emotion that we use to
(29:19):
immediately change the situation, right, so, but it's really, as
I'm saying, it's all anger as aresult of fear.
Right, there's, and I've hadguys push back.
I said, give me one example,outside of God, of course, that
is the anger is not a result offear, right, it's always fear.
So it's fear in what?
(29:40):
So, you're, we get angrybecause we have these block
goals, right, and the lie, thelie, is that the thing that
we're angry at, that it's all ornothing, right.
So, and we don't realize thatit's not about what we're angry
at, it's that it's blocking anemotional goal too.
(30:00):
And the issue is not thenegative emotion.
Negative emotion is not bad.
There is stress in the Gardenof Eden.
The issue is the quantity, theinflation, right.
So all these emotionsinsecurity, anxiety, fear, worry
, anger, depression, depressionare good, healthy emotion
because they're emotional goals.
The issue is not the negativeemotion, because in my book I
(30:22):
put down get to the point ofsaying nothing bothers me unless
it should.
Because what we try and do islike we get up to a eight, nine
or ten as far as negativeemotion.
We try and pull it back.
I said try and you know, takeout, you know, uninstall your
buttons on it, start withnothing bothers me, but unless
it should.
So I'm not talking aboutpassivity, I'm talking about the
right amount of negativeemotions.
(30:43):
So we burn the energy.
That's the way God created usRight amount of negative
emotional energy to address it.
But when it gets inflated, alot of times for guys it taking
it personally and it's hittingour value and worth.
Chris Grainger (31:00):
That's what I think it is.
Got it, got it.
Hey guys, we'll take our secondbreak.
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You know, dr Greg, you talk alot about.
You know, emotion is energyitself and for guys, I just know
, for me, at the end of the day,if it's been an emotional day,
(32:23):
it just wears you out.
It's just like you go runningfor you know a 10K or something.
It wears you at that point.
But how can guys redirect thatenergy towards productivity
instead of being destructive,right towards productivity
instead of being destructive?
Dr. Greg Stewart (32:37):
Right.
So the best way to do it issimply, again, once you
recognize when you're negativeemotion, it's, think to yourself
okay, I have a block goal, likeeven somebody that cuts me off
on the road.
There's a block goal.
But what's my block emotionalgoal?
(32:59):
Honestly, when somebody cuts meoff, it's I want to feel like I
can relax on the road and I cando what I want on the road.
Right, that's literally what itis.
I want autonomy andindependence.
That's the emotional goal,right.
So when it comes to our wives,you know saying something like,
you know criticizing about videogames or or our jobs or
(33:23):
whatever it is, again, it's ablocked goal.
But what's the blockedemotional goal?
All right, then it's once yourecognize that, then you can
pinpoint it to what should bedifferent.
So what am I?
And then what pathway am Itaking to try and achieve it?
Right?
So our I always like when, whenour wives, like, ask us how
(33:43):
we're feeling and most guysdon't have a clue how to answer.
That I always encourage wivesask your husbands what is their
opinion, all right, then theycan tell you what they're
feeling.
So just recognize it as I havean opinion and then you can talk
about emotion, right, but whenyou feel like your wife is
criticizing you about videogames and you're defending video
(34:04):
games, what's her?
So, after we do this, recognizewhat other people's emotional
goals are with our wives.
It's not about the video games,guys, it's she wants more time
with you.
So don't defend video games,don't defend sports.
Don't defend video games.
You don't defend sports.
You don't defend march madness,it's she's not.
Well, we often attack theobstacle to our goal, right, so
it's not about the video games,or golf or sports or whatever it
(34:26):
is, or work, it's just shewants to achieve her goal
because she has an emotionalgoal too.
That's valid achieve heremotional goals.
So, just recognizing that thesenegative emotions are pointing
to something, and recognize itas rational, healthy, wise or
right, right, right, be rational, be logical, be wise, be right.
And the biggest thing I can sayis just don't let yourself off
(34:49):
the hook, cause when I wentthrough this exercise myself
again, everything in there is.
I said okay, greg, what's beingexposed in you?
Right, why are you angry?
Or then I focus on what I'mangry about, but the next time,
wait, greg, don't let yourselfoff the hook.
Why are you so angry?
Right, it's that it's like butyeah, I get it because we just
(35:10):
bring all this energy on theexternal party.
But why am I so angry?
It's because there's somethingthat it's exposing Right, and
that's exactly right.
So it's exposing something elsethat, like one time, the Lord
revealed to me.
It's like, greg, you have envy,and I mean, none of us ever
think we've got envy, right, butit is what it is.
(35:33):
We do.
And when you're honest and openand just don't let yourself off
the hook, because that's exactlylike we say, we just want to
get the stuff out of the way sowe can pursue our goal and the
Lord's saying, nope, I want youto scoop that up and plop it
right between us, because thisis where the miracle happens.
And it's hard for guys becausewe don't like exposure, because
(35:54):
it makes us feel lesssignificant.
But I cannot emphasize enoughwhen I put down that microscope,
picked up the mirror and Iwalked into it and I would not
let myself up the hook on theother side, I have never felt so
significant, I've never felt soconfident, I've never felt so
(36:14):
secure.
And it's so much easier for mejust to own it or agree that
yeah, you're right.
I mean, it's easy and thatpiece I have of confidence,
because confidence is the numberone character trait that
attracts one human being toanother, and that confidence
means that I have just secure.
(36:35):
I say confidence is actuallyarrogance plus humility, right,
so right, it's a paradox, right,but I have confidence that I'm
very secure in who I am andwhatever.
But I have humility because inmy mental model this is like the
chapter on the mental model Ihave security that I'm blind in
areas.
Right, right, right, going topeople saying, hey, how can I
(36:56):
grow?
Where am I blind?
I don't know if it's true, it'strue, I'm never, I'm not afraid
of truth anymore, because ifit's, you know, the truth shall
set you free.
I've never been more freebecause the truth shall set you
free.
Because when you're thatconfident, then the things well,
my spouse needs to grow too, ormy boss needs to grow too, or
(37:19):
my boss needs to grow okay.
Well, the only way to achievethat is that you're secure
enough and you model it beforeyour wife and family in that
security and confidence, whenyou say, hey, you're, you're,
we're safe, like I mean, isthere anything I need to own?
Right, right, because you'veasked it so many times, right,
and then that kind of forcesthem to own it too.
So you can achieve that goalthrough the modeling of owning
it yourself.
Chris Grainger (37:39):
Okay, you know lots of guys get a chance to
talk with them on a regularbasis, but many guys feel stuck
and when you're stuck, maybeit's anxiety, fear, anger,
whatever it may be.
You know, a practical gettingstarted can seem so audacious.
So how do you help the guys whojust you know what I am, what I
(38:00):
am and this is this.
Dr. Greg Stewart (38:01):
Just there's no fixing this right one is um,
and I got this actually through.
There's a program called um, uh, the journey course, and it has
to do like, because I I tookthe course myself to help guys
with sexual addiction stuff.
So can we just use the phrasethat we're all broken, even even
like we never are not broken,and because, again, we don't
(38:27):
want to think we're broken,because if we're broken that
means we're whateverinsignificant.
I mean, it always comes back tothat significance thing, right?
So it's just like look, I ambroken.
Like Romans, chapter 7, theapostle Paul says I don't
understand what I do, what Iwant to do, I do not do, what I
hate I do.
It's just, it's okay and theLord knows that we're broken and
(38:48):
and that.
So this is another key piece.
So I'm trying to get.
I know I'm hitting foundational.
On the practical side.
It's like I've said, it's justday to day, negative emotions
aren't bad.
And then why is it inflated?
So that never is going tochange.
Go after the inflation.
The inflation is going to belies, taking it personally, or
bad past experiences, and yougot to walk into that stuff and
(39:10):
fix it.
So that's on a practical basis.
There's your answer on apractical basis.
What do you do?
That's what you do.
Right, you've got to walk intoit.
Right Now I'm trying to go upto the undercurrent stuff of
what the Lord sees us as,because it's what.
Like you said, the issue isn'twhat your wife thinks of you.
The issue isn't what your wifethinks of you.
(39:30):
The issue is not what your bossthinks of you.
The issue is what you think ofyou.
You got to go after that.
Identity, value and worth, andbasically the identity is facts
about yourselves and we assign avalue and worth.
But there's a triangle I talkabout in the book where your
relationship with the Lord is atthe top, because it should be
so.
Identity, value and worth,basically is this Every human
being ever gets their value andworth originally from pursuit by
(39:52):
their parents.
I mean every human being.
It's unavoidable and again,that's the way that God created
it, which is supposed to be good.
So pursuit by our parentssimply means that our parents,
like unconditional love, right,helped us recover from failure
and taught us how to besuccessful.
Because it's like every childis like mom and dad.
I have no freaking clue how tobe successful, because it's like
every child is like mom and dad.
I have no freaking clue how todo this right, right, right,
(40:13):
right.
So so, but if it's healthy,it's a powerful, like our pastor
said that you know, our ceilingis supposed to be our
children's floor.
That every generation right.
So that's good.
But obviously when it's anunhealthy process, it's messy.
That's what we say of kids.
They have a low value worth.
So then what gets added to thatformula are peers, and then
(40:33):
significant others, bosses,coaches, and then it culminates
with their spouse.
So I say we have to removeevery other human being from
that formula.
That's crucial.
So I don't need my wife topursue or validate me.
I don't need her.
I want her to right and basedon our marriage covenant, she
needs to and I need to pursueher.
Cool, so it doesn't changeexpectations.
What it changes is a degree ofnegative impact.
It doesn't happen.
(40:53):
So I tell guys, you've got toremove every other human being,
and they immediately go to well,I don't need to repeat it to
pursue me.
So they take it from need andthey include the want in there.
No, it's, you can't do all ornothing.
You still want other people topursue you.
That's okay, right, it's justyou don't need them to, because
that's what relationshiprelationship is about.
That it's like look, I, I, Iwant note to know that chris,
(41:14):
you know, liked my book, right,if he didn't talk to me about it
, right?
So I want that.
She's like I don't care whatchris thinks.
No, I, I do care what christhinks.
Don't go to the extreme.
So we do think what otherpeople are, but it just doesn't
impact my value and worth.
So we, we try and just like, wejust don't ever want to feel
insecure again.
So we, just I don't care whatpeople think.
(41:34):
Well, that's not healthy either, yeah, and it's.
And there's a tension, man, you, you gotta exist with being
comfortable negative emotions.
I do care what you think, chris, right now my value and worth
is not bathed in it.
But if, if you tell me truth,that truth I need to add to my
mental model because it'll onlymake me better.
(41:54):
Right, see, see how this works.
It's, it's, we have, it's thatdeeper stuff.
And I I give a lot oftechniques in the book on how to
deal with the negative emotions, but this book is really
especially.
My book is the iq for couples.
I'm gonna hold it up here iqfor couples facing our negative
emotions to build intimacy.
And we just have to, because inour culture, guys, if you get
(42:16):
tired of the pansy, whatever youwant to call it in our culture,
we have got to model before ourculture, because so many people
in our culture, especially onthe liberal left, they base,
base, they want like, no, wegotta, you know, change the
environment.
So this person feels loved,accepted.
Oh my gosh, it's death.
(42:37):
It is death the environment.
So if we want to say, thendon't make the environment be
the master of your negativeemotions.
We've got, I'm on a mission tochange this in our culture.
It's deadly right.
So, in order, we have to modelit, because in my introduction I
talked about that quote fromWe've got, I mean, I'm on a
mission to change this in ourculture.
It's deadly right.
So, in order, we have to modelit.
Because in my introduction Italk about that quote from Bill
Johnson we cannot impart we donot possess.
(42:58):
If you don't want your childrento, you know, base their
emotional state on theenvironment.
Then they're looking at you as,as dad, is your emotional state
contingent upon the environment?
Like how well we obey, or dowhat you want, or how well mom,
this, or like what is, how isyour emotional intelligence pops
(43:20):
Right.
So, guys, strength right, it'snot external, it's internal
strength is maturity.
Internal strength isself-awareness.
Internal strength is maturity.
Internal strength isself-awareness.
Internal strength is resiliency.
Internal strength is impulsecontrol.
Internal strength is confidenceand security.
(43:41):
Right, that will give you theequipping to have the right
amount of negative emotions onthe outside.
Chris Grainger (43:49):
Love it, love it .
Guys.
We're.
We'll take our last break.
We'll be right back with DrGreg.
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Well, dr Gray, this has beenphenomenal.
We always enjoy at the LionWithin us a lightning round
towards the end of ourconversations, just a fun way
(44:52):
for our listeners to know you alittle bit more.
Are you willing to jump in andhave a little fun with us?
Dr. Greg Stewart (44:56):
Let's do it.
Yeah, spontaneous, hit me.
Chris Grainger (44:58):
That's it.
So what's something that youenjoy doing for fun?
Do you have any hobbies?
Golf Golfer, okay.
Dr. Greg Stewart (45:04):
Golf Yep, it's golf, right.
So I didn't go for like 10years and my, my pops passed
away and we used to golf all thetime together.
So I made it a mission todecrease my amount of work
honestly and then start golfingsome more, Cause it's not.
I mean, I'm never going to be aprofessional right, so I'm not
going to believe that lie.
But the the scenery out therewhen it's green, I can't wait
(45:27):
for the masters, Just it'soutdoors, it's quiet and it's
just that, that feeling.
So golf Yep, Golf's my thing.
Chris Grainger (45:34):
Love it, Love it .
How about favorite food?
What do you?
What do you enjoy?
Dr. Greg Stewart (45:38):
Uh favorite food would be a filet mignon
with a crab topping.
Oh man, that's a go, I knowright, I just made your mouth
water, didn't.
Chris Grainger (45:47):
I, that's it.
That's it.
If you could have a superpower,dr Greg, which superpower would
?
Dr. Greg Stewart (45:56):
you pick and how would you use it If I had a
superpower?
Read minds.
If I could read minds, Iwouldn't use it for my selfish
gain.
I'd read people's minds to helpthem be honestly, help them be
free.
I'm not being help them be free.
There you go.
That's it.
Chris Grainger (46:14):
That's it.
If you looked at the last yearof your life, Dr Greg, what
would you spend too much timedoing?
Anything come to mind?
Dr. Greg Stewart (46:27):
Boring, yeah, yeah.
So there here, here's theauthor's hypocrisy.
Right?
So, because I wrote the book,the lord, like, led to write the
books and that that's just thesuccess of the books, right?
So just my, you know, I'vethere's always exposure of
having my, my significance tiedto success.
(46:47):
Right, so it's that?
Because I can't tell you realquick, chris, how many guys come
to me.
They are trying to figure outtheir mission, destiny, calling
and purpose Significance andthey're trying to figure out
their paths to it Mine too,right?
So I'm still looking forsignificance and I can't
interpret the Lord's blessing oranything based on significance,
because this is the path I wantLord you significance, because
(47:11):
I, this is the path I want Lordyou to bless for me to feel
significant.
And we got to be, we got to beopen about the paths anyway.
So so, yeah, I spent too muchtime tying, worrying about the
success of the books being tiedto my significance.
There you go, okay any newhabits?
Chris Grainger (47:21):
you started recently are we always looking
for tips for guys, just anythingthat it's you find useful.
Dr. Greg Stewart (47:27):
Yeah, so I would say the that got back into
believe it or not.
Finding some ways like eitherlike audio books, yeah, when I
work out, okay, right, sospending when I work out, listen
to audio books, not music oranything, and I've been
smuggling through books.
Chris Grainger (47:43):
Yep, I'm curious , do you listen to one time
speed?
Do you speed it up or like what?
No, I speed it up.
Right, I try it like one and ahalf.
One and a half, that's my sweetspot too, yeah, yeah.
Dr. Greg Stewart (47:53):
Yeah, one, one speed, one is just too slow and
it's just like oh my gosh,let's go Cause I mean, based on
how quickly we talk, I think wetalk and we can, you know,
absorb, that's it, that's it.
Chris Grainger (48:07):
Yeah, it's very simple but deep question here
what's your favorite thing aboutgod?
Dr. Greg Stewart (48:13):
um, his goodness and I I say that
because it's so much faith doesnot believe.
I actually believe faith doesnot believe in that god is
powerful.
It's believing that he is good,right, and then somebody else,
like he's always in a good mood,right, that when we approach
him, seeing him as like, as he'sgood, and that he's in a good
(48:36):
mood, he's, he's like theperfect fiance, like he's he's
the perfect person.
That when we walk into hispresence, he's excited to see us
, right, right, he's excited,like he goes, let's talk.
It's never guilt andcondemnation.
He wants, he's ready to forgiveand he wants to bless us.
Now he's guys, he's holding onto our next blessing and just
(48:57):
like a dad, he can't wait togive it to us.
But if he gave it to us rightnow it hurt us.
He wants us to mature.
So he is good.
He's a great, great dad.
That's it.
Chris Grainger (49:08):
That's it now.
Let's flip it 180.
What's your least favoritething about the evil?
One Least favorite thing?
Dr. Greg Stewart (49:14):
about the evil one, how selfish he is.
He's just so bent on takingglory from God Because you see
that selfishness in our culture.
They're so emotional and soselfish that they just want to
be right.
It's just selfish man.
Chris Grainger (49:34):
That's it.
That's it.
The last question for ourlightning round is what do you
hope the guys remember the mostfrom our conversation, dr Greg?
Dr. Greg Stewart (49:43):
Put down the microscope and pick up the
mirror.
Chris Grainger (49:46):
That's it.
That's a line right there.
That is awesome.
Where do you want to send theguys to get a copy of your books
to connect with you?
I don't know if you have anysocial media platforms or
anything like that.
Dr. Greg Stewart (49:56):
Yeah, it's all connected to drgregstewartcom.
I mean my books, social medialinks, all that jazz.
So it'sD-R-G-R-E-G-S-T-E-W-A-R-T, all
one word DrGregStewartcom.
Everything's there, all right.
Chris Grainger (50:10):
And we'll make sure that stuff is synced up in
the show notes for you listenersout there.
So, Greg, this has been aphenomenal conversation.
Thank you for coming over andsharing.
Dr. Greg Stewart (50:22):
Anything else you'd like to share today, Just
that I'll be going on a cruisewith my wife in a couple weeks
and my next book is IQ forLeaders.
So I have iCubed, iCubed forCouples next book coming out,
hopefully this fall is iCubedfor Leaders.
Chris Grainger (50:30):
Awesome, awesome .
Well, enjoy the cruise.
Dr. Greg Stewart (50:32):
Hopefully the writing goes well.
Chris Grainger (50:34):
And thank you so much for your time.
Dr. Greg Stewart (50:36):
My honor sir.
Thank you so much, chris.
Yes, sir.
Chris Grainger (50:41):
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All right, guys, that was a funone.
(51:25):
I told you for sure, dr Greg,he goes deep.
He's just a super intelligentguy.
Hopefully you were sure, drGreg, he goes deep, he's just a
super intelligent guy.
Hopefully you were encouragedby that Question of the week.
This week is what's burning inyour heart that you've been too
afraid to say Because he talksso much about the mirror.
Now, there's one thing aboutpulling a mirror out.
There's another thing toactually look into the doggone
thing, right.
So I'd encourage you, if you'restruggling with knowing you know
(51:47):
what, really what to do next,connect with us at the Lion
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Thelionwithinus is where you doit at All right, so come back
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And look, just keep unleashingthe lion within.
Welcome to the Lion Within Us, a podcast
serving Christian men who arehungry to be the leaders God
intends you to be.
I'm your host, chris Granger.
Let's jump in.
All right, fellas, this is yourmeat episode.
Let's get right into it, okay?
So Scripture of the Week thisweek is in the book of Jeremiah,
chapter 20, verse 9.
It says but if I say I will notmention his word or speak any
(00:23):
more in his name, his word is inmy heart like a fire.
I fire, shut up in my bones.
I am weary of holding holdingit in, indeed, I cannot.
So, guys, beautiful scripture.
If you haven't had a chance, goback and listen to the
spiritual kickoff episode.
It'd be one episode back inyour podcast feed where we
really try to take this versehere and simplify and apply it
(00:47):
to your walk.
Okay, and again, we do thisevery day, monday through Friday
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If you need some dailyencouragement, and you know you
do, head over to thelionwithinus, because that's how you get
connected with us.
Okay, guys, all right.
So we had a fun guy that'scoming in here.
Dr Greg Stewart lives inRockwall, texas.
(01:08):
He is a full-time telehealthcounselor, executive coach,
consultant.
Amazing guy, tons of experienceand background.
He actually has his PhD incounselor education and
supervision.
He's been to seminary.
It's just a fun story with him.
He talks about some of hisbooks.
(01:29):
He's writing around IQ, butreally talking about unlocking
the inner strength behind ournegative emotions.
And I don't know about you, butas a guy I struggle with this.
This is something that I'mconstantly working with the
negative emotions that just keepfestering and building up, and
building up, and building up.
You know what comes out?
It's usually lash.
It's not very good.
What comes out.
Dr Greg talks about this.
(01:49):
So it's a fun, fun conversation.
Hopefully you guys are going toenjoy this one with my friend,
dr Greg Stewart.
Well, greg, welcome to the LionWithin Us.
How are you doing today, sir?
Dr. Greg Stewart (02:01):
I'm doing great, sir, and how are?
Chris Grainger (02:03):
you doing, I was doing good.
It's a beautiful day, sowhere's home at?
Dr. Greg Stewart (02:06):
for you, rockwell Texas.
So if you know the I-30, i-30goes right downtown Dallas and
downtown Fort Worth.
So you take I-30 about half anhour outside of downtown Dallas,
right there in Rockwell Texas.
Beautiful area.
Chris Grainger (02:22):
I love it, love it, love it.
That's great.
Well, love to know, before wedive into anything heavy here,
what's something fun about youthat maybe not many people know
about.
Dr. Greg Stewart (02:34):
Something fun about me was I can go through
the story, but I was basicallywe're empty nesters and I just
had my first, our firstgrandchild, born on February 1st
.
Chris Grainger (02:44):
So that is beyond fun it was a little boy
or girl.
Dr. Greg Stewart (02:49):
Little boy, he's Dean Mylon Stewart, so my
son's son, and the middle nameMylon was named after my
grandson's great-grandfather, mygrandfather.
So, yeah, it's just beyondhonoring and beyond beautiful.
Chris Grainger (03:04):
Love it Legacy.
Are they close by?
Yeah?
Dr. Greg Stewart (03:09):
so, yeah, we're in Rockwell and then my
kids, like, live in Aubrey,Texas, which is north of Dallas.
Okay, but we're all in roughlythe same area.
My wife and I have seven kids.
Between the two of us We've gota few kids up in Arkansas, but
we've got one boy in Austin, butthe most of us we got a few
kids up in Arkansas, but we'vegot one boy in Austin, but the
most of us all of them are rightthere in the Dallas area.
So we're trying to get ourAustin boy up here, even though
(03:29):
he loves Austin.
No Arkansas kids down, butArkansas is beautiful too.
Chris Grainger (03:35):
That's really cool.
So it's a big family, soundslike.
Dr. Greg Stewart (03:43):
Yeah, my wife came in with four kiddos and I
came in with three.
Now people say, wow, seven kids.
But it's not like they're allpreschoolers running around.
I just basically her, my wife'syoungest daughter.
I was with her.
You raised her the last sixyears when she was like from 12
on.
So right, but really, and wehad some kids live with us for a
period of time here and there,but it's not like we had seven
preschoolers running around.
You know that'd been a bit much.
Chris Grainger (04:07):
Yeah, that would add to the stress, I'm sure.
Well, I'm excited.
Thank you so much for joiningus today.
You know you took a lot ofeffort in putting your book
together here about the innerstrength behind your negative
emotions.
Just curious what led you toeven wanting to venture down the
path of writing this.
Dr. Greg Stewart (04:24):
So I'll kind of give you the background story
, because at the end it leadsinto it, but it only takes a
minute or so.
So I became a Christian when Iwas a kiddo, like a lot of us
did in junior church.
I'm from Michigan originally,so go blue, yeah.
So my parents were going tochurch, which meant I quit going
(04:50):
to church and then did theproverbial party hearty teen
years and then suffer theconsequences from those years
and then recommit my life toChrist and then landed back at
the same church.
I became a Christian.
I was a kid.
Well, I felt called into theministry.
So I went on a summer longmissions trip in South America.
I went to a Bible institute fora year but then came back and
then I was back in the day, likein the 90s when the adult and
continuing education programstarted, like the adults of us
who had like 160 credit hoursbut no bachelor's degree.
(05:12):
So they say, hey, go one nighta week for a year and you'll get
a degree.
So I got my organizationalleadership.
So I needed a bachelor's degreebecause my plan is to go to
seminary and love the material.
But I wanted to get ontoseminary.
But my first semester inseminary, uh, was kind of like a
defining moment.
I took philosophy of counselingokay.
So my eyes were open on twothings.
(05:33):
One is how powerful thematerial could be used in
ministry.
But secondly I started torealize how many issues I had
right.
So I mainly mapped out a dualmaster's degree, got my, my MDiv
, in three years and then got onmy, got my MA in counseling.
But in between that and theyear 2000,.
Actually Y2K.
Another defining moment it'swhen I started number one
(05:54):
teaching as an adjunct professorin all the organizational
leadership courses I took in anundergrad and fell in love with
that topic.
Secondly, I came across thebook Emotional Intelligence by
Daniel Goleman, written back in95.
And that is the book thatpopularized EI.
But number three is I wasunderneath a pastor who loved
the Lord with all of his heart,prayed all the time, read the
(06:16):
Word of God.
But it was a crisis for mebecause it's like he, but he had
so many like emotionalstruggles and I couldn't
reconcile that.
So after I got my MA incounseling, I actually became
the senior pastor of the church.
So I was at the same church.
I got saved as a kid for 15years youth associate and senior
pastor.
It was just a blessing beyondblessing.
And then in 2005, I started myPhD.
(06:37):
So I got a PhD in countereducation and supervision, but I
did my dissertation on therelationship of emotional
intelligence with jobsatisfaction and organizational
commitment.
And then I moved from Michiganto Texas in 2012, and I was at a
company for three years flyingaround the country doing
organizational strategy, metwith senior leadership teams as
(06:58):
a consultant and coach, loved it.
But the company got bought outand about 80% of us got laid off
.
So if you've never been laidoff before, it's an incredible
experience, right Sarcastically.
But then I worked at aresidential treatment center.
Now, with all that success, mybook I've been wanting to write
for about 20 years.
But the actual the I cubedpiece I've been wanting to write
for about 25 years.
(07:19):
But out of all that success,chris, what the dark stain that
turned into God working was in2011, I have an emotional affair
Right, which simply means Ididn't do anything physically
with the guy, was just allemotional and my marriage never
recovered from that.
So I went through divorce.
At that point I began a 10 yearhealing process.
(07:39):
That's been.
There's a lot I talk a lot aboutin the book that's been.
There's a lot I talk a lotabout in the book.
But the book because I, aftermy in 2020, during COVID, I
transitioned from theresidential treatment center
working with teenagers to doingwhat I'm doing now, which is I
see, you know, all telehealthabout 40 clients a week or so
and do some executive coaching.
But it's really this book andmy second the book after that
(08:00):
was IQ for Couples came out ofthat journey and so it's just I
say to clients that this book isabout Greg, you know, along
with all my cycle, babble,techniques and stuff, walking
through my own journey, andthat's kind of where it
culminated and the Lord gave mea chance last year to write and
it came out in November.
Chris Grainger (08:20):
Wow Well, thank you so much for sharing I know
it's a lot.
Dr. Greg Stewart (08:23):
There's a lot there.
Chris Grainger (08:29):
There's a lot.
There's a lot there.
There's a lot there too, forsure.
I mean, I don't know whatyou're comfortable with sharing,
only only, uh, the emotion.
What did you say?
It was the the type of affair.
It wasn't a physical affair, itwas a emotional affair.
Is that emotion?
Dr. Greg Stewart (08:35):
just like relational, like I just like
fell emotionally and I you knowjust texting conversations and
different things.
It wasn't, it wasn't evensexual in the texting
conversations, it was justemotional and just a lot and
just completely inappropriatebecause I was a married man,
right.
So yeah, I talk about in thebook.
So on that whole healingprocess, um, and I work with a
lot of couples with you know,trying to heal from affairs and
(08:57):
stuff, and even with my divorceand stuff, and I wrote my book,
iq for couples, my marriagecounseling, and the
effectiveness of it has triplequadruple because you know I've
been there, I know what whatmakes a marriage like fall apart
.
So yeah, I mean I'm open tosharing because the goal is for
all of us, regardless of whatthe hurt is, is to be able to
say that I'm stronger now thanI've ever been.
(09:19):
Right, I wouldn't wish thatupon anybody.
I'm stronger now than I've everbeen.
So my journey with men, withcouples, is to give them hope,
like there's a lot of pain there, but the whole subtitle of the
book unlock the inner strengthbehind your negative emotions.
I said this is a journey, soyou've got to, you've got to
walk into those negativeemotions because that's where
the Lord wants to meet you.
(09:39):
Yeah Right To do the miracle.
Yeah Right To do the miracle,right.
So then your shirt says but God, so story, story, story.
But God, even though I was deadin my trespasses and sins.
But God, even though I had anemotional affair, my marriage
fell apart, but God, that's thestory.
Chris Grainger (09:57):
Love it.
Love it Because I know there'slots of guys I talk with Greg.
They flirt with that that sideof know.
Well, I'm not she, I'm notphysically doing anything, I'm
not cheating, you know, and theyjustify that with pornography
or or different areas as well,and I'm like, look, guys, it's
you have to be super carefulbecause you're opening up a can
of worms that you're notprepared to to deal with.
(10:18):
And so it's just.
I'm encouraged when guys likeyou are just bold enough to
share the truth of what actuallyhappened.
Dr. Greg Stewart (10:23):
Yeah, absolutely, and with all that
stuff, I hope guys inpornography too.
It's just as far as there's.
I think there's two decisionswe need to make as Christians.
One is the decision forsalvation, to accept the gift
right and it's a gift right.
Do you want salvation?
Believe in the blood of Jesus.
You're going to heaven.
I think that the second decisionwe need to make and I know
(10:45):
there's some theology here, butit's the decision for it to be a
disciple, the decision to makehim your first love, the
decision to leave all and followhim, because Jesus said you
need to first sit down and countthe cost of what this is.
So that's why I think it's asecond decision and in that
second decision of making himyour first love, it I think it's
(11:05):
a second decision and in thatsecond decision of making him
your first love, it's if you'relike the show of the chosen
that's out now.
That's just phenomenal.
If you're walking with the LordJesus like as one of those
disciples.
Would you participate in any ofthis stuff?
Of course not Right.
So it kind of is a slam dunk onwhat is the right thing to do.
As far as purity Flee, alsoyouthful lusts.
Chris Grainger (11:25):
Yep, right, the discipleship piece is huge, greg
.
That's an area we talk about alot in the land because I feel
like that's just a stumblingblock for many churches not all
churches, but many just reallystruggle with that discipleship
component.
We're really worried aboutgetting to salvation, which is
obviously important, reallyworried about getting to
salvation, which is obviouslyimportant.
(11:46):
But walking with someone youknow, jesus talked to the masses
, you know, but he was he, hereally discipled his 12.
And just curious, from yourstandpoint, do you see, what can
we be doing to be leaning intothat discipleship you know more
intentionally, Right so.
Dr. Greg Stewart (12:01):
So if I may, I'm going to first approach it
from a from a counseling.
I was like using psychobabbleCause I.
So, if I may, I'm going tofirst approach it from a from a
counseling.
I was like using psychobabblebecause I get the that stuff,
especially when it comes to guys.
So in the first chapter of mybook I talk about that.
Everything we do is trying toachieve an emotional goal, right
?
So just let's not be afraid ofemotions.
We have them.
So the emotional goal is likeis good.
So there's micro emotionalgoals, and then there's macro.
(12:22):
The micro one is I, I feelmicro emotional goals.
And then there's macro.
The micro one is I, I feelthirsty, so I don't want to feel
thirsty, so I get a drink orfeel hungry, so arrested.
But it's really about the macroemotional goals, the macro
emotional goals that every human, this is good, it's it's good
and the way god created it is toincrease our quality of life in
three ways increase ourstandard of living, which is big
for us, live our values, valuesand fulfill destiny, calling
(12:46):
and purpose.
And those macro are always inour periphery.
So one is just to validate andjust recognize, build
self-awareness around theemotional goal we're trying to
achieve.
And for guys, the majoremotional goal we're trying to
achieve is significance, honor,respect and any synonym.
So number one it's we have toevaluate whether it be that or
(13:07):
something smaller, like I wantto relieve stress.
We have to evaluate the path wetake, the behavioral path, the
choices we take to achieve theemotional goal.
In simple business, we all knowthat if I'm trying to decrease
stress in my life and I take thepathway of drinking you know
it's five o'clock somewhere anddrinking alcohol every day, I
use the four words rational,healthy, wise and right.
(13:29):
So we have to kind of assesswhether our path fits those four
things rational, healthy, wiseand right.
Right.
So that's one analysis.
So we drink alcohol.
It's not rational or healthy,wise or right to take that path
to achieve a mental goal.
But secondly, and moreimportantly, is, when our
emotional goals are blocked,what's our response to it?
So I use this analogy of youknow, kind of picture, the house
(13:49):
of our heart behind us, andthis is every human in disguise,
and we're standing on the frontlawn of that yard, of our yard,
trying to guard our heart.
Right, we do this and in frontof us are all the things that
are triggering us with thenegative emotions, whether it be
our spouse, our kids, our job,whatever the case is.
So that's not again.
It's rational, meaning that,like, if you said something to
(14:10):
me, you insulted me or whatever,did your mama joke, whatever?
So on a scale of one to 10, howbig of a deal is that?
Well, most of the time it'slike a one or two, right?
But first thing I want guys tonotice is the inflation.
So most of the things that arecreating the negative emotions
whether it be, you know, anger,stress, whatever most of the
(14:31):
things are at a one or two.
But we are at a six, seven oreight of negative emotional
energy.
So if I'm upset with my spouse,then the one or two might be a
thing I need to address with her, burn that emotional energy to
address it with her.
But the six, seven or eightinflation is not her issue,
right?
So I have to turn around andwalk into the house of my heart
(14:53):
and all the rooms I use asemotions like.
The first room is insecurity.
Then there is anxiety, stress,anger, depression and so on.
So in that first room ofinsecurity for guys, I tell the
story when I was again fromMichigan.
I worked at a hamburger joint,like a lot of us did, when I was
14 years old, and we were allfriends there.
But, chris, I used to be asuper sarcastic teenage guy,
(15:16):
right, but you can tell I'vematured, right, just validate me
, right.
So one time I teased this girlso bad, I made her cry, and
while she's walking away cryingeven worse, I yell out.
You wouldn't get so ticked offif it wasn't true.
But right at that momentanother defining moment because
I turned it on myself and I said, oh my gosh, greg, every time
(15:42):
you get upset or defensive or,you know, ticked off, that
somebody insulted you, there'struth to it.
Then I started observingeverybody saying oh my gosh,
anytime we trash talk oneanother, there's got to be truth
to it, or else it won't work.
So good thing, guys, is that wehave insecurities, which means
what?
There's something we don't likeabout ourselves which is not
bad.
There's always thing, butthat's not the issue.
The issue is we don't want topoint out or exposed, right?
So that's the big deal.
(16:06):
So then, when it comes to threereasons for the inflation, one
is we believe lies.
We can believe a lie aboutourselves and, like I say satan.
You know satan's got one tool.
He doesn't have a toolbox, hehas a holster.
And those lies come in the formof me, he, we lies about myself
, lies about god or lies aboutour relationship ever since
genesis 3.
So the first step in decreasingnegative emotions is emotions
(16:27):
don't produce themselves.
They come from sentences ofinterpretation in our mind.
This is again for every person.
We've got to buildself-awareness around those lies
.
It could be something like I'llnever get a job or this will
never work out.
The second reason for theinflation is next, on the room
of insecurity, there's a doorwaythat goes into the basement and
this is huge.
And when we take thingspersonally, in the basement is
(16:52):
the machine of identity, valueand worth, and we take things
personally.
That negative experience isimpacting our value and worth.
I just had a session thismorning with a guy in Ohio that
just it was like this was anepiphany for him because he
didn't realize how angry he hasbeen towards his wife and family
.
And then over in the corner inthe cellar doors, the is the
(17:15):
door trauma.
I get big t trauma, little ttrauma.
Whether it be the big t and alittle like you know, veteran
stuff or little t trauma is justlike a lot of negative events.
We've been through that.
What happens is we go into asituation and our mental model
goes oh no, chris, here we goagain.
It scoops up that emotion fromthe past and dumps it.
So long answer to your question.
Basically, we have to be awareof recognizing we everything,
(17:37):
we're trying to achieve it as anemotional goal and guys, we're
big on success, we're big onsignificance.
And when those goals are, whenthat is blocked, whether it be
at work or with our spouse, weget inflated because we believe
lies about it, take itpersonally or it reminds us of
our past.
Chris Grainger (17:53):
Love it, love it , guys.
We're going to take our firstbreak and we'll come back.
Keep diving in.
With Dr Greg, I've gotsomething big to share.
We're making a major shiftbecause we know the battle is
real and it's time more men hadaccess to the support they need.
For too long, guys have beentrying to carry the weight alone
pressure at work, tension athome, wounds from the past in a
(18:16):
world that demands strength butoffers no place to rest.
We see it, we've lived it, andthat's exactly why we built our
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It's a stronghold, a placewhere warriors can find rest,
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And starting now, we're makingit easier than ever to step in.
We've lowered the barrier tojust $15.99 a month.
(18:37):
That means, for less than thecost of a drive-thru lunch, you
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Inside you'll find access toour daily spiritual kickoffs
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, our Friday Forge gatheringsall that and so much more.
Every man needs a stronghold andyou don't have to fight alone.
If you've been waiting for theright time to jump in, this is
(19:00):
it.
Go to thelionwithinS and jointhe community and see for
yourself what happens when irontruly sharpens iron.
You know, one of the favoriteitems of the book that I read
was it says the issue isn't whatthey think of you.
The issue is what you think,what you think of you, and being
honest with ourselves anddigging in that vulnerability
(19:20):
and being honest with ourselvesand digging in that
vulnerability, man, that'sthat's.
That's hard, because you'retrying to rewrite that internal
story.
So how do you, how do you helpguys with that piece?
Right?
Dr. Greg Stewart (19:31):
So there's three things that are like on
the in the insecure checker.
And security is like anothergal.
Y'all remember this one when,when I wrote the story about one
gal says Dr Greg, she's pushingmy buttons and I said, well,
uninstall your buttons.
The issue isn't that she'spushing your buttons, the issue
is you have buttons to push.
Same thing there when there's aname calling that, um, dr Greg,
(19:52):
you know she called me thisname andI said, well, the issue
isn't that she called you thatname, the issue is that you
agree with her, but you didn'twant her to point it out.
Okay, so it's that recognitionof why do I have these negative
emotions?
And the big one isdefensiveness.
And and, and a big one for usguys, right, because when we get
defensive, like literally theonly reason, it's either you.
(20:16):
You're getting defensivebecause it's either true, but I
don't want to own it, or it'snot true, but I'm believing it
to be true, or or that somebodyis trash talking me and I'm
believing it to be true, or thatsomebody is trash talking me
and I'm worried about theinfluence.
So, again, what negativeemotion we have to label?
One is negative emotion isenergy Emotion is energy good or
bad or good or negative.
(20:37):
Secondly is to have the rightlabel.
So, like when guys have anger,realizing that anger is always a
result of fear, fear hurt.
So when I'm getting defensiveright, the issue is what I'm
thinking about me, right?
So I'm afraid of what otherpeople think about me, and so
you have to label it right.
It's because anger is focusedon the outside again, but fear
(20:58):
and hurts inside.
So it's a matter of justrecognizing one.
What negative emotion is whereI'm feeling?
So we walk into them and I saythis we got for, this is for
everybody.
We got to put down themicroscope and pick up the
mirror and all this is in.
Because number three is allnegative emotions exposing
something in me, and that soundsbad, but I keep trying to
(21:21):
convince people that thisactually gives you back the
power.
So my goal in the entire bookis to take all power away from
the environment and give it backto yourself, right?
So part of it is again, I wouldjust say the step is recognize
what emotional goal you'retrying to achieve.
Number two what path are youtaking and what path is being
blocked?
And then figure out thenegative emotions and is it
(21:42):
really lies I'm believing or isit that I'm taking it personally
?
It's impacting my value andworth, or is it because of a
past experience?
It's like, if I may get likereally deep in some theology, or
so, back in january, chris thelord said, um.
He told me, greg, you've neverlearned how to be a son, right,
and I knew it was him becausepeople hearing from God, you
(22:03):
know it's the Lord.
When you hear a phrase in yourmind that you would never say
Right, you know that's how youkind of know it's the spirit.
So the verse that came to mindthis is what just has been I've
just been chewing.
This is when it says in Hebrews,of Jesus as a son, he learned
obedience to the things that hesuffered.
Okay, now think about eachphrase.
(22:25):
Now, the things that hesuffered.
We mainly think of the cross,but it doesn't match the rest of
the verse, right?
So the suffering is not thecross, the suffering is his life
.
As a son, he learned process,obedience to the things that he
suffered.
The suffering is in all theseemotional goals, right?
So he has overcome the world.
What is the world?
The lust of the flesh, the lustof the eyes, the pride of life.
It's all an emotion.
(22:47):
What we want to feel, guys, andfor especially those of us who
are married, the number oneemotional goal we want to feel
is to be admired and sexuallydesired by our spouse, right and
when that goal is blocked.
So in our process and this iswhere I think, because I thought
okay, how, why did God createmarriage the way he did in the
family?
So you have father, son, holySpirit, and he duplicated that
(23:10):
in the family.
So I thought about to myself,as far as when the Lord says
you've never learned how to be ason, that I started to say OK,
as a son, I need to learnobedience to the things that I'm
suffering.
My suffering is in the realmsof a variety of emotions I want
to feel as far as significance,living my values, trying to
achieve destiny, calling andpurpose.
But the anchoring and this iswhat, so I'm praying to the
(23:32):
father, so the way it's supposedto work is in a healthy
father-son relationship, that mymorality is anchored out of
fear, honor and respect of myfather, both on earth and in
heaven.
This is Jesus as a son, helearned obedience.
Once that anchoring happens,that keeps our hearts anchored
(23:55):
in morality, guys, that, as theLord, as we pursue destiny,
calling and purpose andsignificance.
It's done in a healthy way andwe all hate the phrase and I get
it, but the whole toxicmasculinity comes from what it
comes from that your heart isnot anchored in morality.
And in your pursuit ofsignificance and success you're
(24:18):
seeking all these otherunhealthy paths like competition
Like I can drink more beersthan you can drink.
You get in competition withyour spouse Honor me, I want to
be respected.
You get in competition withyour son, your children, like
you insult them, like you'rejust a boy, right.
So that's all a result of notbeing anchored in morality and
(24:40):
pursuing a healthy way.
But if it's healthy, then Ipursue the significance where
I'm secure in my identity, valueand worth.
And so once I'm secure there,then when I become a father,
just like the father did withhis son, then all glory goes to
my son.
So I have twin boys who are 25and I'm secure enough in my
(25:00):
identity, value and worth thatall I just, all exaltation.
I help them fulfill theirdestiny, calling and purpose.
And here's the other key.
The holy spirit, guys, is ourwife.
It's she's in the home as wifeand mother and she talks to us
and she's ever present.
(25:21):
Right, just like Jesus saidthat we don't know where the
wind blows in the spirit, wedon't know, right.
And so we, we hear now I tellwives, you gotta be careful,
ladies, because they arediscerning, right.
Women, they, I, they, how aboutyou, chris?
They scare me Like it's like somany wives just sense it, they
just know, can't tell you.
Like you know, I just I've beensensing something, so I just
(25:42):
checked his phone, right, it'slike, how do you guys know it?
Right, well, I have a reasonfor that.
But so, but, guys, when ourwives, a spirit of discernment
getting over to a spirit of fear, is a spirit of suspicion, now
that's what they have to workthrough.
But healthy wives, they throwout to us when we get defensive
(26:03):
because we feel like they'retrying to control us or attack
us.
No, so, just like the spirit,don't quench the spirit in your
home, don't grieve the spirit.
That's her gift and her numberone goal is security.
So all this plays in together,even theologically, that when it
comes to our negative emotions,our identity, value and worth
(26:24):
and what God wanted to create inthe home.
That's why we're a Satan attackin the family, fatherless homes
, and then we have sons tryingto gain significance right in
just all these horrible ways.
And if you were saying, whatwould you do?
And it's trying to go after theheart of a man, making him
(26:46):
insecure, to make him seeksecurity through competition and
through control and power.
John Eldredge wrote, while theheart said that our strength is
supposed to be on our strengthon behalf of others, versus
toxic masculinity, is we'reusing our strength to overpower
others.
Chris Grainger (27:07):
Right, and that's the weakness.
Do you think that the wholetoxic masculinity narrative you
know, do you see that gettingpushed more and more,
particularly within the church,as this?
If you just look across thelandscape of culture, man, it's
out there.
I just see that the next bigattack it seems to be old men.
Dr. Greg Stewart (27:26):
Right, and it's kind of like a strength a
good thing, or a strength takentoo far becomes an extreme.
So, out of the very legitimatething, trying to take away toxic
masculinity, which iseverything on the negative side,
like strength to overpowerothers, which is healthy then
they just eradicate all the goodcomponents of masculinity.
(27:46):
Right and it's just.
But we can't do, baby, we can'trespond to an extreme with an
extreme Right.
So it's, yes, there is such athing as call it whatever you
want, but it's not Christlike tooverpower others.
So we have to make sure that.
And again, christian guys Imean, once they get settled in
it, they're good.
And again, it's only in theextreme side of the church and
(28:09):
stuff that we, you know, weappreciate the Holy Spirit in
our home.
Again, they're one.
But we are still men who want topursue and seek significance,
which we should right, like thefather and the son, but we have
to do it in an anchored way.
That's the key.
Yeah, but yeah, no, we no, I'ma.
I'm a man and I want to be aman.
(28:29):
I want to be significant, andthere's a lot of good aspects of
that, that I'm not going toeradicate my masculinity in
order to to honor femininity.
That's ridiculous.
I want to honor femininitywhile still being masculine,
that's right.
But I want to do it in ahealthy, mature way.
Chris Grainger (28:46):
I'm super curious for the guys that you've
worked with and just from yourexperiences out there, you know
what is the number one negativeemotion for men that they
struggle with, and is there acommon lie that's that's
attached to it, that that?
Dr. Greg Stewart (28:59):
you hear, yeah , the number one, a negative
emotion.
Well, it gets displayed asanger, right, all right, and
whether it be externalized orinternalized, it's.
It's an anger because you know,they use power, right, they use
power in order like, and that'swhat anger is.
Anger is a very powerfulnegative emotion that we use to
(29:19):
immediately change the situation, right, so, but it's really, as
I'm saying, it's all anger as aresult of fear.
Right, there's, and I've hadguys push back.
I said, give me one example,outside of God, of course, that
is the anger is not a result offear, right, it's always fear.
So it's fear in what?
(29:40):
So, you're, we get angrybecause we have these block
goals, right, and the lie, thelie, is that the thing that
we're angry at, that it's all ornothing, right.
So, and we don't realize thatit's not about what we're angry
at, it's that it's blocking anemotional goal too.
(30:00):
And the issue is not thenegative emotion.
Negative emotion is not bad.
There is stress in the Gardenof Eden.
The issue is the quantity, theinflation, right.
So all these emotionsinsecurity, anxiety, fear, worry
, anger, depression, depressionare good, healthy emotion
because they're emotional goals.
The issue is not the negativeemotion, because in my book I
(30:22):
put down get to the point ofsaying nothing bothers me unless
it should.
Because what we try and do islike we get up to a eight, nine
or ten as far as negativeemotion.
We try and pull it back.
I said try and you know, takeout, you know, uninstall your
buttons on it, start withnothing bothers me, but unless
it should.
So I'm not talking aboutpassivity, I'm talking about the
right amount of negativeemotions.
(30:43):
So we burn the energy.
That's the way God created usRight amount of negative
emotional energy to address it.
But when it gets inflated, alot of times for guys it taking
it personally and it's hittingour value and worth.
Chris Grainger (31:00):
That's what I think it is.
Got it, got it.
Hey guys, we'll take our secondbreak.
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(32:02):
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You know, dr Greg, you talk alot about.
You know, emotion is energyitself and for guys, I just know
, for me, at the end of the day,if it's been an emotional day,
(32:23):
it just wears you out.
It's just like you go runningfor you know a 10K or something.
It wears you at that point.
But how can guys redirect thatenergy towards productivity
instead of being destructive,right towards productivity
instead of being destructive?
Dr. Greg Stewart (32:37):
Right.
So the best way to do it issimply, again, once you
recognize when you're negativeemotion, it's, think to yourself
okay, I have a block goal, likeeven somebody that cuts me off
on the road.
There's a block goal.
But what's my block emotionalgoal?
(32:59):
Honestly, when somebody cuts meoff, it's I want to feel like I
can relax on the road and I cando what I want on the road.
Right, that's literally what itis.
I want autonomy andindependence.
That's the emotional goal,right.
So when it comes to our wives,you know saying something like,
you know criticizing about videogames or or our jobs or
(33:23):
whatever it is, again, it's ablocked goal.
But what's the blockedemotional goal?
All right, then it's once yourecognize that, then you can
pinpoint it to what should bedifferent.
So what am I?
And then what pathway am Itaking to try and achieve it?
Right?
So our I always like when, whenour wives, like, ask us how
(33:43):
we're feeling and most guysdon't have a clue how to answer.
That I always encourage wivesask your husbands what is their
opinion, all right, then theycan tell you what they're
feeling.
So just recognize it as I havean opinion and then you can talk
about emotion, right, but whenyou feel like your wife is
criticizing you about videogames and you're defending video
(34:04):
games, what's her?
So, after we do this, recognizewhat other people's emotional
goals are with our wives.
It's not about the video games,guys, it's she wants more time
with you.
So don't defend video games,don't defend sports.
Don't defend video games.
You don't defend sports.
You don't defend march madness,it's she's not.
Well, we often attack theobstacle to our goal, right, so
it's not about the video games,or golf or sports or whatever it
(34:26):
is, or work, it's just shewants to achieve her goal
because she has an emotionalgoal too.
That's valid achieve heremotional goals.
So, just recognizing that thesenegative emotions are pointing
to something, and recognize itas rational, healthy, wise or
right, right, right, be rational, be logical, be wise, be right.
And the biggest thing I can sayis just don't let yourself off
(34:49):
the hook, cause when I wentthrough this exercise myself
again, everything in there is.
I said okay, greg, what's beingexposed in you?
Right, why are you angry?
Or then I focus on what I'mangry about, but the next time,
wait, greg, don't let yourselfoff the hook.
Why are you so angry?
Right, it's that it's like butyeah, I get it because we just
(35:10):
bring all this energy on theexternal party.
But why am I so angry?
It's because there's somethingthat it's exposing Right, and
that's exactly right.
So it's exposing something elsethat, like one time, the Lord
revealed to me.
It's like, greg, you have envy,and I mean, none of us ever
think we've got envy, right, butit is what it is.
(35:33):
We do.
And when you're honest and openand just don't let yourself off
the hook, because that's exactlylike we say, we just want to
get the stuff out of the way sowe can pursue our goal and the
Lord's saying, nope, I want youto scoop that up and plop it
right between us, because thisis where the miracle happens.
And it's hard for guys becausewe don't like exposure, because
(35:54):
it makes us feel lesssignificant.
But I cannot emphasize enoughwhen I put down that microscope,
picked up the mirror and Iwalked into it and I would not
let myself up the hook on theother side, I have never felt so
significant, I've never felt soconfident, I've never felt so
(36:14):
secure.
And it's so much easier for mejust to own it or agree that
yeah, you're right.
I mean, it's easy and thatpiece I have of confidence,
because confidence is the numberone character trait that
attracts one human being toanother, and that confidence
means that I have just secure.
(36:35):
I say confidence is actuallyarrogance plus humility, right,
so right, it's a paradox, right,but I have confidence that I'm
very secure in who I am andwhatever.
But I have humility because inmy mental model this is like the
chapter on the mental model Ihave security that I'm blind in
areas.
Right, right, right, going topeople saying, hey, how can I
(36:56):
grow?
Where am I blind?
I don't know if it's true, it'strue, I'm never, I'm not afraid
of truth anymore, because ifit's, you know, the truth shall
set you free.
I've never been more freebecause the truth shall set you
free.
Because when you're thatconfident, then the things well,
my spouse needs to grow too, ormy boss needs to grow too, or
(37:19):
my boss needs to grow okay.
Well, the only way to achievethat is that you're secure
enough and you model it beforeyour wife and family in that
security and confidence, whenyou say, hey, you're, you're,
we're safe, like I mean, isthere anything I need to own?
Right, right, because you'veasked it so many times, right,
and then that kind of forcesthem to own it too.
So you can achieve that goalthrough the modeling of owning
it yourself.
Chris Grainger (37:39):
Okay, you know lots of guys get a chance to
talk with them on a regularbasis, but many guys feel stuck
and when you're stuck, maybeit's anxiety, fear, anger,
whatever it may be.
You know, a practical gettingstarted can seem so audacious.
So how do you help the guys whojust you know what I am, what I
(38:00):
am and this is this.
Dr. Greg Stewart (38:01):
Just there's no fixing this right one is um,
and I got this actually through.
There's a program called um, uh, the journey course, and it has
to do like, because I I tookthe course myself to help guys
with sexual addiction stuff.
So can we just use the phrasethat we're all broken, even even
like we never are not broken,and because, again, we don't
(38:27):
want to think we're broken,because if we're broken that
means we're whateverinsignificant.
I mean, it always comes back tothat significance thing, right?
So it's just like look, I ambroken.
Like Romans, chapter 7, theapostle Paul says I don't
understand what I do, what Iwant to do, I do not do, what I
hate I do.
It's just, it's okay and theLord knows that we're broken and
(38:48):
and that.
So this is another key piece.
So I'm trying to get.
I know I'm hitting foundational.
On the practical side.
It's like I've said, it's justday to day, negative emotions
aren't bad.
And then why is it inflated?
So that never is going tochange.
Go after the inflation.
The inflation is going to belies, taking it personally, or
bad past experiences, and yougot to walk into that stuff and
(39:10):
fix it.
So that's on a practical basis.
There's your answer on apractical basis.
What do you do?
That's what you do.
Right, you've got to walk intoit.
Right Now I'm trying to go upto the undercurrent stuff of
what the Lord sees us as,because it's what.
Like you said, the issue isn'twhat your wife thinks of you.
The issue isn't what your wifethinks of you.
(39:30):
The issue is not what your bossthinks of you.
The issue is what you think ofyou.
You got to go after that.
Identity, value and worth, andbasically the identity is facts
about yourselves and we assign avalue and worth.
But there's a triangle I talkabout in the book where your
relationship with the Lord is atthe top, because it should be
so.
Identity, value and worth,basically is this Every human
being ever gets their value andworth originally from pursuit by
(39:52):
their parents.
I mean every human being.
It's unavoidable and again,that's the way that God created
it, which is supposed to be good.
So pursuit by our parentssimply means that our parents,
like unconditional love, right,helped us recover from failure
and taught us how to besuccessful.
Because it's like every childis like mom and dad.
I have no freaking clue how tobe successful, because it's like
every child is like mom and dad.
I have no freaking clue how todo this right, right, right,
(40:13):
right.
So so, but if it's healthy,it's a powerful, like our pastor
said that you know, our ceilingis supposed to be our
children's floor.
That every generation right.
So that's good.
But obviously when it's anunhealthy process, it's messy.
That's what we say of kids.
They have a low value worth.
So then what gets added to thatformula are peers, and then
(40:33):
significant others, bosses,coaches, and then it culminates
with their spouse.
So I say we have to removeevery other human being from
that formula.
That's crucial.
So I don't need my wife topursue or validate me.
I don't need her.
I want her to right and basedon our marriage covenant, she
needs to and I need to pursueher.
Cool, so it doesn't changeexpectations.
What it changes is a degree ofnegative impact.
It doesn't happen.
(40:53):
So I tell guys, you've got toremove every other human being,
and they immediately go to well,I don't need to repeat it to
pursue me.
So they take it from need andthey include the want in there.
No, it's, you can't do all ornothing.
You still want other people topursue you.
That's okay, right, it's justyou don't need them to, because
that's what relationshiprelationship is about.
That it's like look, I, I, Iwant note to know that chris,
(41:14):
you know, liked my book, right,if he didn't talk to me about it
, right?
So I want that.
She's like I don't care whatchris thinks.
No, I, I do care what christhinks.
Don't go to the extreme.
So we do think what otherpeople are, but it just doesn't
impact my value and worth.
So we, we try and just like, wejust don't ever want to feel
insecure again.
So we, just I don't care whatpeople think.
(41:34):
Well, that's not healthy either, yeah, and it's.
And there's a tension, man, you, you gotta exist with being
comfortable negative emotions.
I do care what you think, chris, right now my value and worth
is not bathed in it.
But if, if you tell me truth,that truth I need to add to my
mental model because it'll onlymake me better.
(41:54):
Right, see, see how this works.
It's, it's, we have, it's thatdeeper stuff.
And I I give a lot oftechniques in the book on how to
deal with the negative emotions, but this book is really
especially.
My book is the iq for couples.
I'm gonna hold it up here iqfor couples facing our negative
emotions to build intimacy.
And we just have to, because inour culture, guys, if you get
(42:16):
tired of the pansy, whatever youwant to call it in our culture,
we have got to model before ourculture, because so many people
in our culture, especially onthe liberal left, they base,
base, they want like, no, wegotta, you know, change the
environment.
So this person feels loved,accepted.
Oh my gosh, it's death.
(42:37):
It is death the environment.
So if we want to say, thendon't make the environment be
the master of your negativeemotions.
We've got, I'm on a mission tochange this in our culture.
It's deadly right.
So, in order, we have to modelit, because in my introduction I
talked about that quote fromWe've got, I mean, I'm on a
mission to change this in ourculture.
It's deadly right.
So, in order, we have to modelit.
Because in my introduction Italk about that quote from Bill
Johnson we cannot impart we donot possess.
(42:58):
If you don't want your childrento, you know, base their
emotional state on theenvironment.
Then they're looking at you as,as dad, is your emotional state
contingent upon the environment?
Like how well we obey, or dowhat you want, or how well mom,
this, or like what is, how isyour emotional intelligence pops
(43:20):
Right.
So, guys, strength right, it'snot external, it's internal
strength is maturity.
Internal strength isself-awareness.
Internal strength is maturity.
Internal strength isself-awareness.
Internal strength is resiliency.
Internal strength is impulsecontrol.
Internal strength is confidenceand security.
(43:41):
Right, that will give you theequipping to have the right
amount of negative emotions onthe outside.
Chris Grainger (43:49):
Love it, love it .
Guys.
We're.
We'll take our last break.
We'll be right back with DrGreg.
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(44:10):
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Well, dr Gray, this has beenphenomenal.
We always enjoy at the LionWithin us a lightning round
towards the end of ourconversations, just a fun way
(44:52):
for our listeners to know you alittle bit more.
Are you willing to jump in andhave a little fun with us?
Dr. Greg Stewart (44:56):
Let's do it.
Yeah, spontaneous, hit me.
Chris Grainger (44:58):
That's it.
So what's something that youenjoy doing for fun?
Do you have any hobbies?
Golf Golfer, okay.
Dr. Greg Stewart (45:04):
Golf Yep, it's golf, right.
So I didn't go for like 10years and my, my pops passed
away and we used to golf all thetime together.
So I made it a mission todecrease my amount of work
honestly and then start golfingsome more, Cause it's not.
I mean, I'm never going to be aprofessional right, so I'm not
going to believe that lie.
But the the scenery out therewhen it's green, I can't wait
(45:27):
for the masters, Just it'soutdoors, it's quiet and it's
just that, that feeling.
So golf Yep, Golf's my thing.
Chris Grainger (45:34):
Love it, Love it .
How about favorite food?
What do you?
What do you enjoy?
Dr. Greg Stewart (45:38):
Uh favorite food would be a filet mignon
with a crab topping.
Oh man, that's a go, I knowright, I just made your mouth
water, didn't.
Chris Grainger (45:47):
I, that's it.
That's it.
If you could have a superpower,dr Greg, which superpower would
?
Dr. Greg Stewart (45:56):
you pick and how would you use it If I had a
superpower?
Read minds.
If I could read minds, Iwouldn't use it for my selfish
gain.
I'd read people's minds to helpthem be honestly, help them be
free.
I'm not being help them be free.
There you go.
That's it.
Chris Grainger (46:14):
That's it.
If you looked at the last yearof your life, Dr Greg, what
would you spend too much timedoing?
Anything come to mind?
Dr. Greg Stewart (46:27):
Boring, yeah, yeah.
So there here, here's theauthor's hypocrisy.
Right?
So, because I wrote the book,the lord, like, led to write the
books and that that's just thesuccess of the books, right?
So just my, you know, I'vethere's always exposure of
having my, my significance tiedto success.
(46:47):
Right, so it's that?
Because I can't tell you realquick, chris, how many guys come
to me.
They are trying to figure outtheir mission, destiny, calling
and purpose Significance andthey're trying to figure out
their paths to it Mine too,right?
So I'm still looking forsignificance and I can't
interpret the Lord's blessing oranything based on significance,
because this is the path I wantLord you significance, because
(47:11):
I, this is the path I want Lordyou to bless for me to feel
significant.
And we got to be, we got to beopen about the paths anyway.
So so, yeah, I spent too muchtime tying, worrying about the
success of the books being tiedto my significance.
There you go, okay any newhabits?
Chris Grainger (47:21):
you started recently are we always looking
for tips for guys, just anythingthat it's you find useful.
Dr. Greg Stewart (47:27):
Yeah, so I would say the that got back into
believe it or not.
Finding some ways like eitherlike audio books, yeah, when I
work out, okay, right, sospending when I work out, listen
to audio books, not music oranything, and I've been
smuggling through books.
Chris Grainger (47:43):
Yep, I'm curious , do you listen to one time
speed?
Do you speed it up or like what?
No, I speed it up.
Right, I try it like one and ahalf.
One and a half, that's my sweetspot too, yeah, yeah.
Dr. Greg Stewart (47:53):
Yeah, one, one speed, one is just too slow and
it's just like oh my gosh,let's go Cause I mean, based on
how quickly we talk, I think wetalk and we can, you know,
absorb, that's it, that's it.
Chris Grainger (48:07):
Yeah, it's very simple but deep question here
what's your favorite thing aboutgod?
Dr. Greg Stewart (48:13):
um, his goodness and I I say that
because it's so much faith doesnot believe.
I actually believe faith doesnot believe in that god is
powerful.
It's believing that he is good,right, and then somebody else,
like he's always in a good mood,right, that when we approach
him, seeing him as like, as he'sgood, and that he's in a good
(48:36):
mood, he's, he's like theperfect fiance, like he's he's
the perfect person.
That when we walk into hispresence, he's excited to see us
, right, right, he's excited,like he goes, let's talk.
It's never guilt andcondemnation.
He wants, he's ready to forgiveand he wants to bless us.
Now he's guys, he's holding onto our next blessing and just
(48:57):
like a dad, he can't wait togive it to us.
But if he gave it to us rightnow it hurt us.
He wants us to mature.
So he is good.
He's a great, great dad.
That's it.
Chris Grainger (49:08):
That's it now.
Let's flip it 180.
What's your least favoritething about the evil?
One Least favorite thing?
Dr. Greg Stewart (49:14):
about the evil one, how selfish he is.
He's just so bent on takingglory from God Because you see
that selfishness in our culture.
They're so emotional and soselfish that they just want to
be right.
It's just selfish man.
Chris Grainger (49:34):
That's it.
That's it.
The last question for ourlightning round is what do you
hope the guys remember the mostfrom our conversation, dr Greg?
Dr. Greg Stewart (49:43):
Put down the microscope and pick up the
mirror.
Chris Grainger (49:46):
That's it.
That's a line right there.
That is awesome.
Where do you want to send theguys to get a copy of your books
to connect with you?
I don't know if you have anysocial media platforms or
anything like that.
Dr. Greg Stewart (49:56):
Yeah, it's all connected to drgregstewartcom.
I mean my books, social medialinks, all that jazz.
So it'sD-R-G-R-E-G-S-T-E-W-A-R-T, all
one word DrGregStewartcom.
Everything's there, all right.
Chris Grainger (50:10):
And we'll make sure that stuff is synced up in
the show notes for you listenersout there.
So, Greg, this has been aphenomenal conversation.
Thank you for coming over andsharing.
Dr. Greg Stewart (50:22):
Anything else you'd like to share today, Just
that I'll be going on a cruisewith my wife in a couple weeks
and my next book is IQ forLeaders.
So I have iCubed, iCubed forCouples next book coming out,
hopefully this fall is iCubedfor Leaders.
Chris Grainger (50:30):
Awesome, awesome .
Well, enjoy the cruise.
Dr. Greg Stewart (50:32):
Hopefully the writing goes well.
Chris Grainger (50:34):
And thank you so much for your time.
Dr. Greg Stewart (50:36):
My honor sir.
Thank you so much, chris.
Yes, sir.
Chris Grainger (50:41):
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(51:25):
I told you for sure, dr Greg,he goes deep.
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Hopefully you were sure, drGreg, he goes deep, he's just a
super intelligent guy.
Hopefully you were encouragedby that Question of the week.
This week is what's burning inyour heart that you've been too
afraid to say Because he talksso much about the mirror.
Now, there's one thing aboutpulling a mirror out.
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So I'd encourage you, if you'restruggling with knowing you know
(51:47):
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