Episode Transcript
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Mike (00:10):
all right.
So I just got back from rugbypractice and I am exhausted.
Plus, I had some things goingon this week with some
interviews and stuff, so Ididn't really have as much time
to prep as I would have liked.
But look at me still trying tomake some moves to try and
control some of the chaos that'sin my life, yet still showing
up for the poor souls whocontinue to listen to my
(00:32):
bullshit every week.
Thank you for doing that, but Iam sorry about this one.
It's probably going to run alittle bit shorter and I'll try
and make it up to you guys atsome point.
Okay, so anyways, this past weekthe Pope died.
I tried on a suit that smelledlike it had already been pulled
from his casket and I realizedmy life isn't looping like some
(00:55):
amusement park ride you can justget off of.
It's more like a riptide.
It pulls you under when youleast expect it and you gotta
know how to swim out.
But what kind of Catholic wouldI be if I didn't mention the
passing of Pope Francis?
Rest in peace to him.
I mean, popes aren't likepresidents in the sense that we
can kind of just forget who theyare right away, considering
(01:17):
it's not that fast of aturnaround time.
I mean, in my lifetime alonethere's only been three John
Paul II, the breakfast one,benedict and now Francis.
And even though he wasn'tItalian, that dude had some
serious Frankie energy.
Like Pope Francis was cool manStrutting around in a Black
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Sabbath t-shirt as a teen,probably bumping the devil's
music, maybe puffing a little ofthe devil's lettuce.
And I say that because in afaith that always claims to be
inclusive, they turn around andgate keeps the club.
But pope frankie was the guywho actually stood up and went.
You know what?
Maybe it's not a horrible thingfor people to be gay and the
(02:04):
cardinals around him wereprobably like bro, are you high
Clutching at their rosaries atthe thought.
But even though he didn'tchange the Catholic doctrine,
pope Francis was easily the mostcompassionate, the most with
the times Pope I think thatwe've had.
Because he actually said ifsomeone is gay and is searching
(02:25):
for the lord and has goodwill,who am I to judge?
And that's a powerful line, notjust because the pope proved he
was trying to be an ally at atime when people needed one, by
a figure who historicallypraised love for all, yet was
the head of a system who doggedon a specific group of people,
but because when you've beenliving in fear fear of judgment,
(02:51):
fear of failing, fear of notbeing enough hearing somebody in
power say you're still seen oryou're still loved, it shifts
something.
And maybe that's where I'm atright now trying to break out of
the loops that I've builtaround myself, trying to stop
feeding my fears and startshowing up, not just for God,
but for myself and for thepeople around me, because maybe
(03:11):
God's not punishing me, maybehe's just waiting on me to
finally show up.
We've all had those momentswhere fear dressed up like logic
, like it's not the right time.
I'm probably not good enoughfor that.
Better not risk.
Risk it, I'll just play it safeand I'll give you a personal
example.
I remember back in high schoolthere was this weird thing in my
(03:33):
school that if you got placedin advanced social studies, you
automatically had to be inhonors english class too, which
made zero sense.
Like just because I knowhistory doesn't mean I'm about
to be the next shakes.
And maybe you've been there.
Someone sees potential in youthat you can't even see yet.
Like my teacher wanted to pushme, but all I could think was
(03:54):
like dude, I can't even qualifyfor a fourth grade spelling.
Bee.
You want me writing high levelessays?
My vocab only extends to fourletter words.
Like the fuck is this?
But sometimes we say no tothings not because we can't do
them, but because we'veconvinced ourselves that we
can't.
That's fear talking.
(04:15):
And eventually I said screw it,and I took the classes.
And yeah, you know what?
I held my own.
I still found ways to cutcorners, like most of us did
Spark notes, stealing classroomdiscussion takes and passing
them off as if they were my own,tossing in random quotes from
pages that we barely skimmed,like yeah, I think I can make
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that work.
Anyone who thinks that I satthere and actually read romeo
and juliet you're out of yourmind.
Every couple days, when I wasin that class, the teacher would
hit us with one of those popquizzes that were fill in the
blank style, like if we'rereading shakespeare or something
right.
He would just write out theseviolet the lights have violent
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blank.
And I remember sitting therethinking, dude, I wouldn't even
pass this if I did read the damnbook.
So I'm sitting there like theseviolent delights have violent,
I don't know orgasms.
The fuck do I know I didn'tpass, but at least I gotta laugh
.
But looking back, how often dowe operate like that now, still
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playing the same game, stilljust trying to pass, not to grow
, not to show up fully, just toget by?
And lately I've been askingwhat if we stopped aiming for
bare minimum survival andactually tried to our own
potential?
But, given that I'm at the endof my unemployment, these past
six months have given me a lotof time to think and I'm
(05:39):
wondering where the hesitationto move on to the next phase
actually comes from in any areaof my life.
Like where does this hesitationcome from?
Why do we stall when it's timeto level up?
Why do we wait until we're outof time before we act like it
matters?
It's kind of like when momtells you to go take the chicken
out of the freezer and eventhough she's gone all day, you
(05:59):
wait until she pulls into thedriveway running in underwater,
like why is it still frozen?
I don't know.
I took it out when you told meto it's a little wet, so it must
have thawed somewhat.
Right, we act like effort inthe final five seconds counts
for the full game, and I used totell myself it was because I
(06:19):
wasn't ready, but now I thinkit's because I don't believe
that I deserve the next phaseyet, like, somehow, the version
of me right now hadn't earned it.
So, instead of moving forward,I looped Same habits, same
excuses, same prayers, if I'mbeing honest, and they were all
based on selfishness, like, ohgod, help me with this, help me
(06:39):
with that.
But then I discovered the songProdigy by Idola I think that's
how you pronounce it, and Iheard this line, so you think I
really deserve it, even thoughI'm not the man I used to be.
Well, I found a new sense ofpurpose, and it's in something
that you can't see.
When I show up at the gates ofhell, I'm going to walk up to
the fallen star and take hishorns.
First of all, shakespearecouldn't have written anything
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like that.
I'll tell you that right now.
But hearing those lyrics, I'mlike damn, that's not someone
who's scared of what's next.
That's someone walking straightinto the fire, like I know who
I am, and even if I'm not thefinished product, I'm showing up
anyways.
That's what faith looks like tome right now, too.
It's not about perfection, it'snot about confidence.
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It's about courage, justshowing up in the mess, in the
fog, the unknown, because maybeGod isn't waiting for me to be
fearless, maybe he's justwaiting for me to stop hiding.
Because also in that song,prodigy, the pre-chorus kind of
hits like a spiritual gut punch.
The pre-chorus goes you want tobe somebody else, you want to
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run from all this hell.
You ain't got no spine.
Let's be honest, how many of ushave felt that, wanting to
escape the version of ourselvesthat we're stuck in, thinking
maybe if we could just besomebody else, this part of life
just wouldn't feel so damn hard?
But then there's another versethat says you want to blame all
your pain on things you can'teven explain.
You're so weak and dying out.
(08:05):
That hit me hard, because howoften do we do that?
We sit in the mess and justpoint fingers at everything but
ourselves, at the past, atcircumstances, at timing.
We blame the fog instead oftrying to walk through it.
But that line doesn't just callyou out.
I think it calls you up becauseit's saying you can either stay
stuck and justify it or you canshow up anyway, even if you're
(08:27):
still healing and you're justtrying to figure it out.
And it ties into this idea thatmaybe God will help you find
the path, but he's not going towalk it for you.
And I'll be honest, I'm guiltyof waiting for that, of asking
for help with every little thing, even the mundane, even when it
doesn't come to God, just withthe people in my life.
But to me that lyric is sayingyou want to be someone, stop
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asking and start acting.
You don't get better by wishingyou grow, walking through it,
even if it hurts.
But you can't keep asking forchange while choosing the same
cycle.
If there's anything that shouldbe stuck in a cycle, it's those
fucking clothes.
At men's warehouse I got fittedfor the two weddings I got this
summer.
Because the suit they gave meHoly shit, it smelled like it
(09:11):
had already gone through its owneulogy Deadass.
It had that Seinfeld BO episodeenergy Legit.
I thought that funk just stuckon me.
It was just like like this ishome now.
But don't be like that suit.
Don't let fear cling to you solong it becomes your default
setting, because you're notlaundry.
(09:31):
You don't belong in the sameloop forever.
You gotta step out, swim out,show up.
Even if you're literallyemerging in a funk, you just
show up anyways.
And while we're being honest,there's always going to be
something you fear that you needto face.
Show up, even if you'reliterally emerging in a funk,
you just show up anyways.
And while we're being honest,there's always going to be
something you fear that you needto face.
For me, that's unemployment,not being successful or falling
(09:53):
behind.
I just told you that I had afitting for two weddings that
I'm in this summer, because Ihave one for my sister and I
have another one for my friend.
Meanwhile, I'm just foreveralone.
So you don't think that I feellike I'm getting left behind
while everyone else around me issuiting up for their next
chapter.
I talked about that a coupleweeks ago.
Feel free to go check thatepisode out.
But while we're talking aboutfear, let's talk rugby, because
(10:16):
I also just got back from it.
I realized that I've beenplaying scared Not all the time,
but enough to notice and I knowthat I talked about this a
couple weeks ago too.
But the idea remains I'll gointo a hit and I'll pull up last
second, not because I can't doit, but because there's a part
of me that's still holding back.
I'm still playing with one footout the door, and I didn't
(10:38):
realize it until recently.
I'm not afraid of getting hurt.
I'm afraid of committing to thehit and it not working.
Like what if I go full forceand still get leveled?
Or what if I give it everythingI've got and it still isn't
enough?
But isn't that the same mindsetthat keeps us stuck in
everything else relationships,jobs, passions you don't think I
(10:59):
question every fucking episodethat I do of this thing.
We don't always fear the fall.
We fear what it'll mean aboutus if we fall after giving it
everything.
So we hesitate and we secondguess.
We live life like we're bracingfor impact instead of creating
it.
And you know what that mindsetended up doing?
(11:20):
Because I was thinking aboutwhat I said in that episode
where I talked about this, eventhough in the moment I made it
my goal to try and make contact,I was still playing scared, and
playing scared is ultimatelywhat fucked up my arm.
I attempted to commit, but Ididn't fully do it.
And you're probably thinking,oh, you're just a typical
meathead making a sports analogyabout life.
(11:42):
But if it's what this episodehas taught us, is that if you're
going to do something, fuckingactually commit to doing it
without the fear.
And it's so funny because insome areas of my life, like
losing weight and gettingtattooed, I go all in.
I didn't say I'm going to getin shape.
I said I'm going to get intothe best possible shape that I
(12:02):
can.
I didn't just get a tattoo myfirst one, I got one that
covered a whole surface area.
My whole thought process was gobig or go home.
If I'm going to do it, I'mgoing to fucking do it.
So externally, that's how Iexpress myself, but internally
I'm just in a cycle of doubt.
And why can't I go big?
(12:23):
And it brings me back to thesong prodigy, because they also
said I can't imagine what it'slike to always call it quits,
passing judgment like you ain'ta fucking straight up bitch.
My bravado knows no bounds,it's why they call me a king.
But you can barely talk.
What makes you think you cansing?
It's not about playing it safe.
It's about following througheven when you don't think you're
sing.
It's not about playing it safe.
It's about following througheven when you don't think you're
capable of something.
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Committing to the hit, notbecause you know you'll win, but
because you know you can takeit and maybe even come out
stronger on the other side.
Which brings me back to PopeFrancis.
That dude had mercy at thecenterpiece of his papacy.
It wasn't about control or fear, it was about mercy.
And maybe that's the reallesson in all of this.
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From suits to spiritual loops,to song lyrics, to sideline hits
, we've all just got to startshowing mercy on ourselves.
We can't keep score on theamount of times that we looped
into the same cycle.
We just got to think about thetimes that we had the guts to
step out of the cycle.
I feel like a lot of us,including myself, always think
about times where we failed, butwe don't acknowledge the times
(13:28):
where we actually did commit.
So you know what?
Fuck it.
Go walk up to that fallen starand take his horns.
Just don't do it at men'swarehouse.
That's tension, that's eternal.
So all right, this one is alittle bit shorter than usual.
I mean between interviews, thewedding suit fittings and trying
not to die during rugbypractice time just got away from
me this week, but I didn't wantto skip, so I figured I'd still
(13:50):
show up.
Because, honestly, if I did tryto stretch this episode out
just to hit a word count, thenI'd be like that kid in class
bullshit in the last paragraphof their essay with.
In conclusion, I conclude thatmy conclusion is conclusive and
nobody wants that.
So, even though it's not reallya full-length episode, I'll try
to make it up to you.
I'll do maybe a longer one nextweek, probably by oversharing,
(14:12):
like usual.
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Okay, everybody, thanks forlistening and we will catch up
next week.