June 30, 2025 • 36 mins
"Mom Rage." That sensation of heat rising through your body—the infamous mom rage—happens to even the most mindful among us, regardless of how many meditation apps we use or self-care practices we maintain.
This raw conversation dives into why midlife women experience intense emotional responses despite having tools to manage them. We explore the hormone fluctuations that influence our reactions, the frustration of having our feelings dismissed as "just hormonal," and the particular triggers that set us off—like having to ask three times for someone to pick up their water bottle before they finally do it.
We examine the challenges of modern parenting approaches, questioning whether extremely gentle parenting might actually leave children unprepared for adult realities. There's a crucial difference between sheltering children from all discomfort and teaching them resilience through witnessing how we handle our own struggles. When children see us navigate difficult emotions—even rage—they learn valuable lessons about emotional regulation that textbooks can't teach.
Perhaps most importantly, we reframe emotions as "places we visit rather than places we live." This perspective allows us to experience the full range of human feelings without shame or fear of becoming permanently defined by our momentary reactions. By showing our children that emotions are normal, manageable aspects of being human, we give them permission to honor their own emotional experiences while developing healthy coping strategies.
Next time rage bubbles up, remember you're teaching your children something valuable about being human. The question isn't whether you'll experience difficult emotions—it's how you'll navigate them and what you'll learn along the way. What emotional visits have taught you the most about yourself?
Please be sure to checkout our website for previous episodes, our psych-approved resource page, and connect with us on social media! All this and more at www.thelylaspodcast.com
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:12):
I don't know if we should start this one with like
a meditation or something to getour minds right so we don't go
into full mom rage right off theget-rep.
Yeah, it can get pretty hot,pretty quick.
Speaker 2 (00:23):
You know, sometimes it just doesn't take much, but I
guess that's why we're talkingabout it today.
Speaker 1 (00:27):
Yeah, I mean, I'm gonna assume part of it is just
all the, all the balls we'rejuggling.
And you know, our hormonesdefinitely are playing a part in
our rage, whether you're a momor not.
If you're a midlife woman,let's say like 35 and up, uh,
(00:48):
you know, I think that you havealready noticed at some point
that your hormones are all overthe freaking place.
And, as a mom for us, as wewere talking just before we hit
record, we obviously talk a lotabout mindfulness and meditation
and really trying to like showup as our best self every day.
But that doesn't mean that wedon't also have, like what we
(01:10):
are calling mom rage at times.
Whatever it is midlife rage, youknow, whatever it is women rage
, it still exists, no matter how, how many of these tools you
have in your toolbox.
And part of what we want tobreak down today is that
stereotype that, like she's on,she's on her cycle again, or you
(01:31):
know it's that time of themonth.
You know, sometimes, likehusbands will make those
comments and I'm like, maybethat's part of it, maybe it's
not.
Like am I not allowed to haveemotions anymore?
And when did it becomenecessary to call me out every
time I have an emotionalresponse.
Yeah, my own kids call me outand I'm like dude.
So I don't know.
(01:53):
Maybe this is a time for us tobe a little reflective as well.
Speaker 2 (01:57):
No, I totally agree, and I like what you just said,
because it does feel like Idon't know that maybe this is
just me too.
So, if it is, then just takethis as a hot take, because
we're going to start to do that.
I feel like that our emotionsare in some ways trying to be
censored or muted, but it'snatural for us to also have them
and to express them and then,if the need be, to then teach a
(02:20):
recorrection.
You know what I mean Forourselves, for anybody else who
happens to see whatever justhappened.
But at the end of the day,shit's going to happen.
None of us are perfect and youknow we all live in our own
little world or bubble.
But whenever, like the otherbubbles in it start popping,
(02:41):
then it just makes it so mucheasier for us to, you know,
become more irritated, grouchy,grumpy, whatever the case may be
, that can contribute to us justlosing our shit or having mom
rage.
It is kind of a hot topic rightnow, isn't it?
As my 10-year-old would say,it's trending.
She's big on saying everythingis trending.
(03:02):
That's her way of being like.
No, y'all ain't cool.
It has to be trending, you're,you're not trending no, yeah,
probably not.
Speaker 1 (03:10):
I just I was thinking of when we were talking about
this topic, just a coupleexamples of you know recently
that have happened.
And once, specifically, we wereon a vacation and my son said
something like mom, why are youalways so mad?
And like boy, did I want torage when he said that?
Because I'm like, how about thethousands of were on a vacation
.
And my son said something likemom, why are you always so mad?
And like boy, did I want torage when he said that?
Because I'm like how about thethousands of times that I'm not
(03:32):
mad?
You know, nobody's likeacknowledging that, or all the
times I do keep my shit togetherwhen I want to rage against the
machine, like no one'sacknowledging those times.
But the minute you do get madabout something, it feels like
people are really quick to pointit out, like, oh, mom's mad
again.
And it's like, well, maybe ifpeople just quit pissing me off,
(03:52):
that could alleviate some ofthis.
And I feel like you and I bothwe try really hard to regulate
our nervous systems, to stay ata nice, even homeostasis, and
like I do a lot of shit to feelgood, and most of the time I do
feel really good but, likesometimes, I still get pissed
off and I don't feel like it'sthat different from when I was
(04:15):
in my trees, other than I'mputting in a lot of work not to
like constantly be ragingagainst the machine or not to be
explosive.
You know when I do get upset,and so I don't know, it's just
sometimes I'm like can I notjust have a feeling, can I not
just like be pissed, that youall, just you know, did exactly
the opposite of what I asked youto do, right?
(04:37):
Yeah, it pisses me off.
Speaker 2 (04:41):
Right, or it's the third time I've asked you to do
something and it's still notdone, and here we are, or when
this is my new.
Favorite response that I get isI know, sweetheart, if you did
know, why haven't we done thisyet?
You know, that's where I'm at,like you knew.
So now, what are we talkingabout?
You deliberately, then didn'tdo it, because let's talk about
(05:02):
how pissed I'm going to get atthat one, or you can be like I
know and then immediately startdoing what you're supposed to be
doing, instead of waiting on meto be the person to be like.
Why are we doing this again?
Speaker 1 (05:17):
Right, I don't know why do I have to get pissed to
cause an action?
Perfect example of that Lastnight we got home from a soccer
game.
I'm a freak about my car.
I don't like shit in my car.
And so I'm like anything youbrought in, take it out.
I'm like, make sure you getthat water bottle in and the
floorboard.
And I get out and I notice oneof my children is not carrying
(05:40):
anything and I say, hey, did yougrab the water bottle?
I asked, yeah, well, no.
And so of course I opened thedoor, even though I'm carrying
18 other things, and I rage,grabbed the water bottle.
And I'm like can you all stopbeing lazy when I ask you to do
something that I ask everysingle time you get out of my
car?
Could you just do it?
And I was like and again, Iprobably shouldn't call them
(06:03):
lazy, but to me that is lazy Allyou had to do was reach down
and grab it and walk.
And so you know.
And then they immediately arelike falling over themselves to
grab the water bottle.
I'm like why do I have to getpissed for you all to have an
action?
Like, why didn't you just do itthe first time?
Right and you know then.
Then it starts like that wholeguilt, like uh, why did I call
(06:24):
him lazy?
Why couldn't I?
You know, but the bot, you know, I did recover pretty quickly
because that I am super mindful.
Now, when I get to that levelof like you need to simmer down,
in the grand scheme of lifeit's not that big a deal.
But still, like I can't helpthat it evokes like a rage
inside of me.
When it happens, and like anyother human being, I react.
Speaker 2 (06:47):
Right, and that's.
I just don't know why there'sfirst off, I'm not a big fan of
this whole soft and gentleparenting movement that we have
going on where we have to be, sohere's another hot take Sweet
stuff.
I've been doing a lot ofresearch, a lot of CEs, a lot of
all the stuff here lately, alot of old stuff here lately,
(07:11):
and it's really showing that ourparenting approach is really
creating, perhaps, orcorrelating positively or very
strongly with a generation ofpeople that don't know how to
cope whenever they get intotheir mid twenties or whenever
they are entering that adulthood, because they have essentially
there's even books about likethe coddling of America, where
we are just focused too much onproviding a safe, like non
(07:31):
hurtful, non harmful environmentfor our kids that whenever they
actually get put into real lifesituations, they don't know
what to do.
This whole phenomenon of like afailure to launch is a new thing
.
That is like a generationalkind of crisis that's happening
right now because we haven'thelped to prepare our soon to be
adult or adult children foradult life, and then that smacks
(07:53):
them hard in the face and so,hey again, I don't think that we
should be calling our kidslittle bastards or things like
that, but to say that they'relazy, I think that that's an
appropriate, you know thing tosay.
I don't know, and I think like.
Speaker 1 (08:07):
I do I am mindful again to use that word of the
language I use Like I wasn't,like you're lazy, I'm like why
are you being lazy, right?
Like it's not.
I'm not saying that that's whoyou are, but I'm saying like
that's the behavior that I'mobserving right now and I don't
like it because I do feel likeyou have to call them out.
I mean I'm kind of with you.
I mean, you know, I feel likewe talked about this early this
(08:30):
morning like I go above andbeyond, probably way more than I
should, for my kids.
I'm probably doing way morethan I need to, but you know, I
am hell bent on giving themeverything I didn't have as a
kid, right, and so part of thatis on me and like healing that,
like childhood trauma, but also,like you know, you just want
(08:52):
better for your kids and so partof it comes from that.
Now, that's not to say that Idon't.
Also, you know, tell them whenthey're being lazy, or tell them
when they're being a brat, ortell them when they're being
unkind, like I have no problemcalling out problem behavior and
apparently they have no problemcalling out mine, which is okay
.
We are right, I mean right.
(09:14):
I'm glad that they feelcomfortable enough that they can
say hey, you know, mom, why areyou, why are you so upset?
Like this isn't a big deal, youknow that kind of stuff.
So, yeah, I do think on some Ihave observed it in situations
where parents tend to like jumpin and take control of
everything that happens,particularly as their kids get
(09:35):
older.
And I am super mindful of likeI don't want to do that
necessarily.
I have to stop myself, becauseif you do control everything and
you get them out of everysticky situation, you're right.
They're never going to learnhow to cope and figure things
out on their own and problemsolve.
And that's hard as a parent, Imean, I can see why people do it
right.
You don't want your kid tosuffer at all but at the end of
(09:59):
the day, like that's sort of ourresponsibility to teach them
how to cope when things don't gotheir way.
Speaker 2 (10:05):
Yeah, quite as quite as planned, and I mean it can be
a very slippery slope with it,but I think that we they and we
get more out of those types ofsituations from it.
Like I always thought, evenwhenever Cameron was little, I
was like my job is not to be hisfriend, his not even his
necessary, like protector,because I can't assume a role
that I can't fulfill fully.
(10:27):
I can't protect this kid fromeverything, so why am I going to
assume a role that I can'tfulfill fully?
I can't protect this kid fromeverything, so why am I going to
assume a role that I can'tfulfill?
And so I just thought, like myrole, my job, is to teach him
how to be an adult.
Essentially, that's what.
That's what I'm trying to dowith this person, so that way,
whenever he turns 18, he's ableto go off to college, to his own
(10:47):
apartment, to whatever else,and have some idea how to do
things, or have some idea how tocope with situations or how to
pay a bill, you know, write acheck, little things like that.
And then also just like how tomanage life Like child is also a
training ground for being anadult, and part of that is like,
(11:07):
if I'm losing my shit, andthey'd be like, hey, you're
losing your shit, that's goodfeedback and that's good
training for them later on.
So that way whenever they're inmore adult-like relationships
they don't feel like they haveto be quiet whenever those
things happen, that thatresponse can be reciprocal and
helpful, Like, hey, I know, youknow, I see what I did was wrong
, but also, this isn't righteither.
(11:28):
That's a fine exchange to havehappen and to allow our kids to
have those opportunities to callus out.
I think is also important forthem in their own personal
growth.
Speaker 1 (11:40):
You know, but it's a two way street, so um, yeah, not
advocating for it, I don't knowthat there's ever a right time
to have kids, but I do thinkthat's part of like having kids
later in life.
That's, you know.
Hopefully I've found some toolsand you know, like I said, I do
feel like I am a little bitmore mindful and I come from the
camp of like I.
(12:01):
I still talk to my mom almostevery day and I'm almost 43
years old.
If I have a problem, she'sprobably the first person I'm
going to call, unless my husbandcan fix it.
I also want to have such astrong connection with my kids
that they always God willing, ifI'm around long enough, they
can always call me for advice,because that is such a comfort
(12:22):
to me.
Sometimes I don't even need ananswer, I just need to hear her
say it's going to be all right.
You know, whatever, whateverhappens, it's going to be okay.
And so you know that comfortfor me is just kind of what I
try to model for my kids of likeI'll always listen, I won't
judge you, you know, and youknow I will always be here if
(12:43):
you need me.
Um, but it is.
You know my kids are startingto.
I have one that's, you know atween, essentially, and like it
is getting to a point where like, yeah, he does need to figure
some stuff out on his own and Iam trying real hard to take a
backseat on some things and lethim fail at things, or um, or
(13:04):
just learn from his ownexperiences.
Fail at things, or um, or justlearn from his own experiences.
Um, I have a tendency to stuffmy experiences down their throat
and be like learn from me,don't make my mistakes.
But at the end of the day, it'show we learn best, quite
honestly, is making your ownmistakes.
Speaker 2 (13:19):
Yeah, it is, and it does happen in those real
vulnerable moments.
Sometimes, you know, like if wewere, I mean, if I'm even
sitting here thinking about,like the moments that, um, I get
the most aggravated, or theincidences that would just again
ignite that like fire or fuelwithin things.
For me, it's whenever I'veasked you to do something, like
(13:42):
three times, you know, and it'susually not that big or hard or
complex of a task and it's alsoone that is, again, it's part of
life, it's a part of teaching,it's what we're trying to do.
That's one.
Backtalk is pretty hard, youknow.
I think there's other termsthat people try to use for it,
but why it's the perfect one.
We all know what it meanswhenever somebody backtalks us,
(14:07):
and at those times I think thatthat's a moment for
reclarification as to what isactually happening or the
expectations are for it.
And also that that's not a goodthing to do, like, first off,
let's take a moment and don'tsass me, don't back talk me.
And now let me tell you whythis is important as a learning
example.
But you're also going to learnthat you were sassy and I'm not
(14:27):
listening to sass.
Speaker 1 (14:29):
It's ultimately like that disrespect right which we
know definitely is like a hot, ahot button for you.
For the most part, I will say Idon't get a lot of backtalk from
my kids and so like that's hardfor me to kind of commiserate
on.
But I know, like working inschools with kids kids talk back
.
You know I often would likeflip it and like make a joke out
(14:50):
of it because I just, I don'tknow like that was an easier way
to deal with kids, was to belike, did you mean to say that?
Or like you trying to, like,you know, make me mad.
You know, kind of like flip iton them to also clarify like
what's the purpose of why yousaid that?
You know, but it is, um, youknow I'm sure I've got it coming
(15:10):
.
I have quite the sassy littleone that I'm sure once we hit
her teenage years I'm going toexperience it.
But for, also, I can alsousually tell when something you
know, like I think about whatare, like, my hot points that
are always going to set me offand it's things that, like, I'm
always trying to control.
Or if I'm overwhelmed with a lotgoing on in life, like little
(15:32):
things can kind of set me off,and a lot of times it just has
to do with like where you knowwhat's going on in my headspace,
whether that's I've got a lotto do for work or I'm planning
birthday.
But like right now, I got a lotgoing on this week and um and
so yeah, like probably wouldn'thave gotten as mad about the
water bottle, probably wouldhave just grabbed it, you know,
on a normal night.
(15:52):
But I'm also like late in myluteal phase, so I'm about to
start my period.
Like that's a factor for me.
I have a million things runningthrough my head that I need to
get done in the next three days.
You know, I've got a work tripcoming up, mother's Day's around
the corner.
I've got to make sureeverybody's got gifts and all
the you know like.
While I love doing these things, a lot of it is like
(16:13):
expectations I put on myself.
I got to make the birthdaymagic happen.
You know, like there's just alot of things I put on my own
plate, my poor husband's, likewell, how can I help you?
And I'm like you can't becauseyou're not going to do it right
and that's going to piss me offtoo.
And so, like, just, you know,if nothing else, like what you
can do is just ignore me.
(16:35):
When I get a little rageful andand let me be, because I always
come full circle Right, Ialways come out of it.
Speaker 2 (16:41):
It just might take me a couple of hours, I always
come out of it, it just mighttake me a couple hours yeah,
actually that's a nice thing tosay too is like I just need.
Allow me just to kind of be atthis point for a moment you know
, and I think it's fair to allowthem to have that.
Yeah, yeah, also to allow themto have a moment of like grace,
you know, and that does createlike a safe exchange for like
(17:05):
emotions and clarity whenever wedo that.
And you know that is somethingthat we practice, like when
somebody starts to get realsassy or get real upset, then it
has been shown, coached orwhatever.
That, hey, I'm going to go inmy room for a few minutes and
gather everything together andthen we're going to come out and
we're going to, you know,re-approach this a little bit
differently.
So it's almost like acollective timeout that gets
kind of called in that space todo it and then finding times to
(17:29):
talk about things, I think,after the fact, like a few days
later or whenever you need to,just to kind of reassess, touch
base and reassure that you knowthis isn't a display of a lack
of love or compassion oranything else.
This is a natural human emotionor experience that we're all
entitled to engage in, as wellas the checkup process that kind
(17:50):
of happens thereafter, you knowyeah, that kind of repairing
which is important.
Speaker 1 (17:58):
We're not perfect humans and I'll call myself out
on this too.
Like to me, meditation,mindfulness, like you get out
what you put into it and so ifyou're doing like the bare
minimum or maybe you're notfully committing to your
meditation practice, like for merecently, quite honestly, it's
become more about continuing mystreak alive on this app I use
(18:19):
because I'm almost at 365 daysof like not missing a meditation
, but I'm, you know, sometimes Ido it while I'm walking or
sometimes I do it right before Igo to bed, like just so I don't
miss my streak, when really Iknow that I'm a better person If
I do it first thing in themorning, when everyone's asleep,
I can focus and really likedrop in and give myself time,
(18:41):
and I'm getting to the pointwhere I need to do it for longer
stretches.
I can't get necessarily what Ineed from like a five minute
meditation, like I need toreally sit with my thoughts and
my feelings for longer periodsof time.
And so you know, if I'mskimping out on some of that or
just kind of going through themotions and not really like
dropping in, like it does affectmy reactions, you know I am a
(19:05):
better person and less reactivewhen I meditate consistently and
and really, you know, puteverything into it, and so I
think you can go through, youcan say well, I meditate every
day and I still have mom rage.
Well, yeah, but are you really,you know, and that's not to say
you can be giving it everythingand still have mom rage, like
(19:25):
we are not robots and we arereactive to whatever is
happening to us around us, um,within us, yeah, so, yeah,
within us.
And so I think, more thananything, you know, I'm most
proud of the fact that I'mrecognizing it in myself when
it's happening.
You know, I and really am ableto like back off and not berate
(19:48):
my kids about the water bottle.
You know I made one commentyeah, I'm like y'all are being
lazy when you do this.
And then it was like and then Iwas fine, I probably took like
five minutes, but then, you know, went over, and then my
daughter spilled or got somepaint on my brand new couch and
I was less fine again, but youknow, I was able to repair in
that moment, like this reallyupsets me, and I was already
(20:09):
upset but you know what?
It's going to be fine.
It came off the couch, you know, let's move forward.
And so again, like therecognition, like I really want
to credit, and if you'relistening to this and you're
like, hey, at least I'm, atleast we are recognizing it and
not just expecting everyone todeal with our emotions all the
time, right, because we are.
(20:29):
I mean, let's call it what itis we are all over the fucking
place, and if you're not, godbless you.
What's your secret, right?
Speaker 2 (20:36):
Exactly no, for real, and I think that that's what it
comes down to, like I know fora fact what are going to be the
high incident rates or thethings that are going to be the
ignition points that I'm goingto get upset about.
So if I know what those thingsare, then it's also my
responsibility to be moremindful of not, you know, going
to I don't know death con 10 andyou know, and instead maybe
(20:59):
backing up to I don't know alight hand grenade.
I mean, I'm just kind of usinglike little examples here, but
but I think that that isimportant to you know what I
mean To recognize that, okay,I'm, there's been many things
that have happened today thathave gotten under my skin.
I'm working on getting them out, and if you now decide to
become like a chigger or a tickand crawl under there too, then
(21:22):
this whole situation is notgoing to go well.
But I think that that takescommunicating that, and I think
that it takes communicating thatwith our partners, our spouses
or, you know, even our kids.
You know, like, even just ifyou have had a rough or a bad
day, it's not going to.
You can't.
Maybe you can, but it's veryhard to automatically press a
(21:44):
reset button whenever you seethem.
Automatically press a resetbutton whenever you see them.
And also, again, I don't knowthat that's healthy, because I
think that it is good for ourkids to see us again as learning
, struggling with something, totalk about the fact that we're
struggling with something andthen let them see how we cope
with it.
So I don't think that it'shealthy for us to put on a mask
(22:06):
or for our kids to learn that asa behavior from others.
You know that we just have topush everything under the rug.
I have to be all happy and goodbecause you know it's the end of
the day and I don't want you tocome home and come home to an
unhappy household.
Well, the whole house explodedwhile you were gone and the
little risks that you see arereally, you know, are not
exactly a full representation,but I think that's okay too, and
(22:28):
I think that whenever our kidshear that we're struggling with
something, I think that thatautomatically opens the door for
more compassion on their behalf.
Like I have not yet, which maybeyou know we could encounter,
like if I say like hey, I'mhaving a hard time, I'm really
struggling with something rightnow that the kids are then going
to be like, hey, I'm having ahard time, I'm really struggling
with something right now.
That the kids are then going tobe like okay, well, let me use
(22:49):
this as an attack point.
You know what I mean.
We've got a wounded animal here, so I'm just going to pounce on
it.
And I think the same and viceversa.
Our kids may not be able toarticulate, because of their age
, because of their emotionalmaturity, what has happened to
them within their day, and sohaving a grace period for them.
To you know, maybe we're notgoing to just jump straight on
(23:11):
getting homework done orwhatever else like let's just
acknowledge that.
You know today's been a littlebit of a struggle.
So here we are, you know, Ithink that's such a great point.
Speaker 1 (23:22):
I do think that's such a great point in that they
need to see a struggle and seehow we deal with it, so that
they can learn some copingskills and not just, you know,
kind of sweep it under the rug.
And it made me think about acouple of weeks ago you know
this I had a health scare wherethey had found something on my
ovary and I had to have a bunchof tests done and you know a lot
(23:44):
of appointments and things, andit was just, it was a stressful
time, right.
You're playing this waitinggame and you don't know what
they're going to come back andsay.
And it is, it's frightening,and I was definitely on edge for
those few days when I waswaiting on the test results to
come back, which thankfully theycame back benign, everything's
fine, but you know it is, youknow it definitely was impacting
(24:04):
my ability to regulate myemotions, and so that was a
conversation that I had with myson, because he is old enough
now to know and I must havegotten mad about something I'm
sure I did, god knows, I'm surethey tracked in my clean house
or something like that.
Like you know want to set me offlike dirty my house right after
(24:25):
I paid somebody to come cleanit, want to set me off like
dirty my house right after Ipaid somebody to come clean it.
But you know, I guess myhusband pulled him aside and was
like, hey, mom's a little onedge, you know she's a little
worried about something.
Like it's going to be fine, youknow.
And so anyway, when I wasrepairing later I can't even
remember what I had gotten madabout.
But when I was repairing laterwith him, you know, I said to
him I said, you know, I've got alot on my mind right now.
And he's like, yeah, dad toldme, and you know he was like now
(24:48):
I'm really worried.
I was like we have nothing toworry about.
But it opened that conversationof like we're all dealing with
things and you don't know.
You know, you never know whatsomebody's dealing with.
So he and I were able to havethat conversation of you just
never know what people are goingthrough and of you just never
know what people are goingthrough, and then to to provide
a little grace, particularly ifit seems like out of character
(25:13):
or they get mad over whatappears to be something really
tiny Um, you know it's probablysomething bigger under the
surface, under the surface thatyou can't see, Um, so it just
you know.
I I think that's such a greatpoint, and letting them see us
struggle.
Speaker 2 (25:29):
Oh yeah, I mean I just I don't know that there's
been anything that now, havingan adult child that maybe maybe
we should have him on and askhim that that he probably maybe
at some point, like learn morefrom than seeing me go through
things, things.
Yeah, you know, and I do thinkthat that at least I want to
(25:49):
believe that that helped him toprepare for himself and how he
deals with things, maybe veryspecifically due to diabetes,
because he's, you know, it'sjust something that he's really
really, really been veryefficient and good at.
But I think that that wasbecause maybe at that point,
like he saw me go through a lotof hard times because I was, you
know 20,some 20, whenever I got
diagnosed had him at 21.
So he never knew anythingdifferent, and so that's a real
(26:12):
vulnerable time.
I was in the hospital a fewdifferent times so he had to see
all of that.
I'd get sick and he'd see that,and so it was a time in which I
wasn't as in control of mycondition as what I am now.
But thank God that he got tosee that because he was able to,
you know, learn from that.
He's never been in a situationthat I was in yet because of the
(26:35):
disease, and I think that somuch of that is, even if I'm not
sitting there, giving him alesson about this is how you
avoid, you know, x, y and Z, Ithink from an observational
standpoint and then us talkingabout it later, like when he got
diagnosed or whenever he feelsbad.
Then that works and I eventhink, like with our other child
, whenever it comes to thingsshe finds it a safe place to
(26:56):
talk to, and so I can sit thereand, you know, say that, hey,
you're acting pretty sassy, or Ican get pretty upset and be
like you're going to your roomand he ain't coming out until I
let you know You're allowed togo to the bathroom and maybe
have a snack, but I'm prettysure you just ate and you're not
going to starve, so we're goingto wait this one out a little
bit.
No, like we're not.
(27:16):
This isn't playtime, but evenwith her she's really good at
opening up and talking aboutthings or asking about it, and
what she's done lately, which Ithink is real impressive, is
that she's been able to like,gently but firmly, like tell
people whenever she doesn't likewhat their behavior is or she
(27:37):
doesn't find it to be helpful,and so that's one thing that you
know we've been working on.
And so that's one thing thatyou know we've been working on.
You can be gentle and firm anddirective at the same time, and
you don't have to be scared totell somebody or to give them
feedback Like.
It just is a real silly example.
We've recently got another dog.
God bless him.
He's a sweet.
He's a sweet, sweet, sweet boy,a seven-year-old man.
(28:00):
He's a whatever.
He's a Husky.
He's a retired sled dog, livedin a barn seven years and now we
have him in our house, so youcan imagine how well that's
going.
And so he's not.
It's a little bit of a strugglebus to try to train him and we
take different trainingapproaches with our dog and
pretty similar, but my husbandcan be a little bit more firm,
(28:23):
or, you know, being the alphawithin the dog pack, yeah, and
Rachel does not approve.
And so she actually sat down.
She said you know, I reallythink that if you start treating
our dog like this, then hemight come up to you and like
you more, instead of me andSarah having to coax the dog to
kind of come up to you.
And I mean, I didn't have theballs to sit there and say that.
(28:50):
But she did Right, you know,and I was really proud of her
for that.
And you know he did a great job.
He listened to her and, youknow, said thank you.
I appreciate you telling methat it's just a different
approach that I have that I'mworking on.
So he provided her witheducation and information too,
but provided her with educationand information too.
But he didn't sit there and sayyou have no right to sit there
and nail me Right.
You know how sometimes we canget very indignant whenever
somebody gives us feedback.
But you know it was a beautifulexchange and she did a great
(29:12):
job.
Like that's what I'm talkingabout, like being able to, you
know, coach your kids, for themto watch you, and then for you
to also be receptive wheneverthey kind of give you that level
of feedback.
It just makes it so much easierthan whenever things become
more challenging.
So we've got a good base kindof going right now and hopefully
, if we can kind of continue topromote that, then whenever you
(29:35):
know she's 13, you know we'llprobably all be in a discussion
with lawyers, because she talkslike a lawyer, I talk like a
lawyer, he is a lawyer, and soit's just we're going to be in a
discussion with lawyers becauseshe talks like a lawyer, I talk
like a lawyer, he is a lawyer,and so it's just we're going to
be in the middle of like athree-way litigation, not like a
real, like legal one, but we'lljust all get mouthy.
Speaker 1 (29:52):
It'll feel like one.
Speaker 2 (29:53):
Yeah, yeah, but good for her for being able to do
that and to express that.
And again, are we still just?
Are we calling each other outon things?
Sure, we're calling out thebehavior, we're saying it's not
helpful, but then we're doingthat in a way that actually
promotes safety, so that way shecan call somebody out whenever
she doesn't like something or hedoesn't like something.
(30:15):
And even my adult son and I, ifhe's having a fit about
something, I'll be like you know, can you get your head out of
your ass for a second?
Like, really, like that's whatI know Very empathetic mom is a
psychologist, but also it's forreal.
Like I'm not going to sugarcoatsomething to you.
If that's what you need to do,you know, um, and then he'll sit
there and he'll be like okay,mom, you know he knows what I'm
(30:37):
saying whenever I say that, andit's with love and sweetness as
a part of it, and then againit's kind of a check, and then
we come back and we talk andeverything kind of goes well
with it.
So you know, we're all workingon it and grace is important.
Speaker 1 (30:56):
We're all working on it and I think there's so many
teachable moments that we findif we're mindful and we're
really paying attention toourselves and our reactions and
our kids and their reactions,even to our reactions.
You know, my kids don't likewhen I get upset.
I can see it on their faces andthat's never my goal.
Sometimes I want them to knowI'm upset but, like I also
(31:17):
sometimes want to explain tothem why.
And I had a great teachablemoment recently with my son
who's, like I said, he's a tween, so we're going to be, you know
, hitting those puberty yearspretty soon and he has a lot of
questions about puberty.
They must be talking about itat school or something, because
he has some background knowledge.
But I said you know how, likeyour body's about to start
changing no-transcript thatcause us to react differently,
(32:13):
that cause us to behavedifferently, to have, you know,
different feelings, and sosometimes it truly is things
that you can't control in thatmoment, but we can at least
recognize it and be mindful andthen try to move through it in
the best way we can using ourtoolbox.
So I think it's just takingthose teachable moments and not
(32:34):
shaming ourselves when we doexhibit a little bit of mom rage
.
Speaker 2 (32:38):
Right, or other people also maybe.
Yeah, yeah, how good you are Ifyou're not exhibiting mom rage,
then that's something to thinkabout too, right?
Speaker 1 (32:44):
Or other people also maybe.
Yeah, yeah, how good you are,and if you're not exhibiting mom
rage, then that's something tothink about too, Right?
Speaker 2 (32:48):
Well, I mean think about that, you know?
Speaker 1 (32:50):
are you suppressing it?
Are you, you know what?
What is occurring?
Because we all, that's a normalfeeling.
I say that to my kids all thetime.
You know, I'm like, you know,if they're like're like, well,
I'm feeling anxious, that's anormal feeling.
Everybody feels anxious, youknow.
And talking about that, and soI think, just again, like
(33:10):
de-stigmatizing these things isso important for our kids to
understand the differencebetween a feeling and a disorder
, right, right, there's adifference, right, and how are
they different?
And what?
What tools do we have in ourtoolbox to combat these feelings
so that they don't becomedisorders?
Speaker 2 (33:28):
Exactly, and suppression doesn't normally
work as one, or neither does,constantly, I don't know.
Like coming down on someone fordisplaying or having an emotion
Like that also is somethingthat teaches something that's
also not healthy as well.
So, you know, I thinkmodulation, of course, is
helpful, but also I think thatallowing people to experience
(33:52):
different levels of extremesafely is important too.
I mean, I don't know, I justknow that there's going to be
times in your life where you'renot going to be sheltered from
an extreme emotion, a heartbreak, excitement, and I don't know
that that's okay for us to teachthat going to those places is
(34:12):
not allowed either, and I wouldsay that you're allowed to go to
them but not live in them.
So, you know, we can visitdifferent emotional states.
Yeah, our goal is not to likeyou know again, I don't want to.
Yeah, I don't want to be knownas, like you know, rage, sarah,
that every, you know I'm justeverything that's going to come
(34:33):
around and like piss me off isgoing to turn into this.
No, but it is a place that Ivisit and you know what, on
certain trips it might be morefrequent that we go by this
place because of what'shappening, you know or whatever
else but yeah, yeah, but it's aplace you visit and then you
find other ranges of emotions orexperiences to also have as
(34:55):
part of your life.
But by visiting that you learnsomething from it.
So that way again, the nexttime you get to that place you
don't have to feel trapped, youdon't have to live there, you
just visit it for a few moments,you know, and then allow
yourself to to move on to thenext stop.
Speaker 1 (35:12):
It's a visit.
I think we end on that Cause.
That's just.
That's such a nugget of wisdomand great advice for anybody
that's listening andexperiencing any kind of mom
rage, midlife rage, whatever youcare to call it the rage we all
know that exists inside of us.
Great advice.
I love that, Hopefully.
Speaker 2 (35:32):
We'll see how it all goes right.
We're always a.
We'll see.
That's it.
Speaker 1 (35:34):
Work in progress.
All right, I think that's allwe got for this week y'all,
until next week, lilas Out.
I don't know if we should start this one with like
a meditation or something to getour minds right so we don't go
into full mom rage right off theget-rep.
Yeah, it can get pretty hot,pretty quick.
Speaker 2 (00:23):
You know, sometimes it just doesn't take much, but I
guess that's why we're talkingabout it today.
Speaker 1 (00:27):
Yeah, I mean, I'm gonna assume part of it is just
all the, all the balls we'rejuggling.
And you know, our hormonesdefinitely are playing a part in
our rage, whether you're a momor not.
If you're a midlife woman,let's say like 35 and up, uh,
(00:48):
you know, I think that you havealready noticed at some point
that your hormones are all overthe freaking place.
And, as a mom for us, as wewere talking just before we hit
record, we obviously talk a lotabout mindfulness and meditation
and really trying to like showup as our best self every day.
But that doesn't mean that wedon't also have, like what we
(01:10):
are calling mom rage at times.
Whatever it is midlife rage, youknow, whatever it is women rage
, it still exists, no matter how, how many of these tools you
have in your toolbox.
And part of what we want tobreak down today is that
stereotype that, like she's on,she's on her cycle again, or you
(01:31):
know it's that time of themonth.
You know, sometimes, likehusbands will make those
comments and I'm like, maybethat's part of it, maybe it's
not.
Like am I not allowed to haveemotions anymore?
And when did it becomenecessary to call me out every
time I have an emotionalresponse.
Yeah, my own kids call me outand I'm like dude.
So I don't know.
(01:53):
Maybe this is a time for us tobe a little reflective as well.
Speaker 2 (01:57):
No, I totally agree, and I like what you just said,
because it does feel like Idon't know that maybe this is
just me too.
So, if it is, then just takethis as a hot take, because
we're going to start to do that.
I feel like that our emotionsare in some ways trying to be
censored or muted, but it'snatural for us to also have them
and to express them and then,if the need be, to then teach a
(02:20):
recorrection.
You know what I mean Forourselves, for anybody else who
happens to see whatever justhappened.
But at the end of the day,shit's going to happen.
None of us are perfect and youknow we all live in our own
little world or bubble.
But whenever, like the otherbubbles in it start popping,
(02:41):
then it just makes it so mucheasier for us to, you know,
become more irritated, grouchy,grumpy, whatever the case may be
, that can contribute to us justlosing our shit or having mom
rage.
It is kind of a hot topic rightnow, isn't it?
As my 10-year-old would say,it's trending.
She's big on saying everythingis trending.
(03:02):
That's her way of being like.
No, y'all ain't cool.
It has to be trending, you're,you're not trending no, yeah,
probably not.
Speaker 1 (03:10):
I just I was thinking of when we were talking about
this topic, just a coupleexamples of you know recently
that have happened.
And once, specifically, we wereon a vacation and my son said
something like mom, why are youalways so mad?
And like boy, did I want torage when he said that?
Because I'm like, how about thethousands of were on a vacation
.
And my son said something likemom, why are you always so mad?
And like boy, did I want torage when he said that?
Because I'm like how about thethousands of times that I'm not
(03:32):
mad?
You know, nobody's likeacknowledging that, or all the
times I do keep my shit togetherwhen I want to rage against the
machine, like no one'sacknowledging those times.
But the minute you do get madabout something, it feels like
people are really quick to pointit out, like, oh, mom's mad
again.
And it's like, well, maybe ifpeople just quit pissing me off,
(03:52):
that could alleviate some ofthis.
And I feel like you and I bothwe try really hard to regulate
our nervous systems, to stay ata nice, even homeostasis, and
like I do a lot of shit to feelgood, and most of the time I do
feel really good but, likesometimes, I still get pissed
off and I don't feel like it'sthat different from when I was
(04:15):
in my trees, other than I'mputting in a lot of work not to
like constantly be ragingagainst the machine or not to be
explosive.
You know when I do get upset,and so I don't know, it's just
sometimes I'm like can I notjust have a feeling, can I not
just like be pissed, that youall, just you know, did exactly
the opposite of what I asked youto do, right?
(04:37):
Yeah, it pisses me off.
Speaker 2 (04:41):
Right, or it's the third time I've asked you to do
something and it's still notdone, and here we are, or when
this is my new.
Favorite response that I get isI know, sweetheart, if you did
know, why haven't we done thisyet?
You know, that's where I'm at,like you knew.
So now, what are we talkingabout?
You deliberately, then didn'tdo it, because let's talk about
(05:02):
how pissed I'm going to get atthat one, or you can be like I
know and then immediately startdoing what you're supposed to be
doing, instead of waiting on meto be the person to be like.
Why are we doing this again?
Speaker 1 (05:17):
Right, I don't know why do I have to get pissed to
cause an action?
Perfect example of that Lastnight we got home from a soccer
game.
I'm a freak about my car.
I don't like shit in my car.
And so I'm like anything youbrought in, take it out.
I'm like, make sure you getthat water bottle in and the
floorboard.
And I get out and I notice oneof my children is not carrying
(05:40):
anything and I say, hey, did yougrab the water bottle?
I asked, yeah, well, no.
And so of course I opened thedoor, even though I'm carrying
18 other things, and I rage,grabbed the water bottle.
And I'm like can you all stopbeing lazy when I ask you to do
something that I ask everysingle time you get out of my
car?
Could you just do it?
And I was like and again, Iprobably shouldn't call them
(06:03):
lazy, but to me that is lazy Allyou had to do was reach down
and grab it and walk.
And so you know.
And then they immediately arelike falling over themselves to
grab the water bottle.
I'm like why do I have to getpissed for you all to have an
action?
Like, why didn't you just do itthe first time?
Right and you know then.
Then it starts like that wholeguilt, like uh, why did I call
(06:24):
him lazy?
Why couldn't I?
You know, but the bot, you know, I did recover pretty quickly
because that I am super mindful.
Now, when I get to that levelof like you need to simmer down,
in the grand scheme of lifeit's not that big a deal.
But still, like I can't helpthat it evokes like a rage
inside of me.
When it happens, and like anyother human being, I react.
Speaker 2 (06:47):
Right, and that's.
I just don't know why there'sfirst off, I'm not a big fan of
this whole soft and gentleparenting movement that we have
going on where we have to be, sohere's another hot take Sweet
stuff.
I've been doing a lot ofresearch, a lot of CEs, a lot of
all the stuff here lately, alot of old stuff here lately,
(07:11):
and it's really showing that ourparenting approach is really
creating, perhaps, orcorrelating positively or very
strongly with a generation ofpeople that don't know how to
cope whenever they get intotheir mid twenties or whenever
they are entering that adulthood, because they have essentially
there's even books about likethe coddling of America, where
we are just focused too much onproviding a safe, like non
(07:31):
hurtful, non harmful environmentfor our kids that whenever they
actually get put into real lifesituations, they don't know
what to do.
This whole phenomenon of like afailure to launch is a new thing
.
That is like a generationalkind of crisis that's happening
right now because we haven'thelped to prepare our soon to be
adult or adult children foradult life, and then that smacks
(07:53):
them hard in the face and so,hey again, I don't think that we
should be calling our kidslittle bastards or things like
that, but to say that they'relazy, I think that that's an
appropriate, you know thing tosay.
I don't know, and I think like.
Speaker 1 (08:07):
I do I am mindful again to use that word of the
language I use Like I wasn't,like you're lazy, I'm like why
are you being lazy, right?
Like it's not.
I'm not saying that that's whoyou are, but I'm saying like
that's the behavior that I'mobserving right now and I don't
like it because I do feel likeyou have to call them out.
I mean I'm kind of with you.
I mean, you know, I feel likewe talked about this early this
(08:30):
morning like I go above andbeyond, probably way more than I
should, for my kids.
I'm probably doing way morethan I need to, but you know, I
am hell bent on giving themeverything I didn't have as a
kid, right, and so part of thatis on me and like healing that,
like childhood trauma, but also,like you know, you just want
(08:52):
better for your kids and so partof it comes from that.
Now, that's not to say that Idon't.
Also, you know, tell them whenthey're being lazy, or tell them
when they're being a brat, ortell them when they're being
unkind, like I have no problemcalling out problem behavior and
apparently they have no problemcalling out mine, which is okay
.
We are right, I mean right.
(09:14):
I'm glad that they feelcomfortable enough that they can
say hey, you know, mom, why areyou, why are you so upset?
Like this isn't a big deal, youknow that kind of stuff.
So, yeah, I do think on some Ihave observed it in situations
where parents tend to like jumpin and take control of
everything that happens,particularly as their kids get
(09:35):
older.
And I am super mindful of likeI don't want to do that
necessarily.
I have to stop myself, becauseif you do control everything and
you get them out of everysticky situation, you're right.
They're never going to learnhow to cope and figure things
out on their own and problemsolve.
And that's hard as a parent, Imean, I can see why people do it
right.
You don't want your kid tosuffer at all but at the end of
(09:59):
the day, like that's sort of ourresponsibility to teach them
how to cope when things don't gotheir way.
Speaker 2 (10:05):
Yeah, quite as quite as planned, and I mean it can be
a very slippery slope with it,but I think that we they and we
get more out of those types ofsituations from it.
Like I always thought, evenwhenever Cameron was little, I
was like my job is not to be hisfriend, his not even his
necessary, like protector,because I can't assume a role
that I can't fulfill fully.
(10:27):
I can't protect this kid fromeverything, so why am I going to
assume a role that I can'tfulfill fully?
I can't protect this kid fromeverything, so why am I going to
assume a role that I can'tfulfill?
And so I just thought, like myrole, my job, is to teach him
how to be an adult.
Essentially, that's what.
That's what I'm trying to dowith this person, so that way,
whenever he turns 18, he's ableto go off to college, to his own
(10:47):
apartment, to whatever else,and have some idea how to do
things, or have some idea how tocope with situations or how to
pay a bill, you know, write acheck, little things like that.
And then also just like how tomanage life Like child is also a
training ground for being anadult, and part of that is like,
(11:07):
if I'm losing my shit, andthey'd be like, hey, you're
losing your shit, that's goodfeedback and that's good
training for them later on.
So that way whenever they're inmore adult-like relationships
they don't feel like they haveto be quiet whenever those
things happen, that thatresponse can be reciprocal and
helpful, Like, hey, I know, youknow, I see what I did was wrong
, but also, this isn't righteither.
(11:28):
That's a fine exchange to havehappen and to allow our kids to
have those opportunities to callus out.
I think is also important forthem in their own personal
growth.
Speaker 1 (11:40):
You know, but it's a two way street, so um, yeah, not
advocating for it, I don't knowthat there's ever a right time
to have kids, but I do thinkthat's part of like having kids
later in life.
That's, you know.
Hopefully I've found some toolsand you know, like I said, I do
feel like I am a little bitmore mindful and I come from the
camp of like I.
(12:01):
I still talk to my mom almostevery day and I'm almost 43
years old.
If I have a problem, she'sprobably the first person I'm
going to call, unless my husbandcan fix it.
I also want to have such astrong connection with my kids
that they always God willing, ifI'm around long enough, they
can always call me for advice,because that is such a comfort
(12:22):
to me.
Sometimes I don't even need ananswer, I just need to hear her
say it's going to be all right.
You know, whatever, whateverhappens, it's going to be okay.
And so you know that comfortfor me is just kind of what I
try to model for my kids of likeI'll always listen, I won't
judge you, you know, and youknow I will always be here if
(12:43):
you need me.
Um, but it is.
You know my kids are startingto.
I have one that's, you know atween, essentially, and like it
is getting to a point where like, yeah, he does need to figure
some stuff out on his own and Iam trying real hard to take a
backseat on some things and lethim fail at things, or um, or
(13:04):
just learn from his ownexperiences.
Fail at things, or um, or justlearn from his own experiences.
Um, I have a tendency to stuffmy experiences down their throat
and be like learn from me,don't make my mistakes.
But at the end of the day, it'show we learn best, quite
honestly, is making your ownmistakes.
Speaker 2 (13:19):
Yeah, it is, and it does happen in those real
vulnerable moments.
Sometimes, you know, like if wewere, I mean, if I'm even
sitting here thinking about,like the moments that, um, I get
the most aggravated, or theincidences that would just again
ignite that like fire or fuelwithin things.
For me, it's whenever I'veasked you to do something, like
(13:42):
three times, you know, and it'susually not that big or hard or
complex of a task and it's alsoone that is, again, it's part of
life, it's a part of teaching,it's what we're trying to do.
That's one.
Backtalk is pretty hard, youknow.
I think there's other termsthat people try to use for it,
but why it's the perfect one.
We all know what it meanswhenever somebody backtalks us,
(14:07):
and at those times I think thatthat's a moment for
reclarification as to what isactually happening or the
expectations are for it.
And also that that's not a goodthing to do, like, first off,
let's take a moment and don'tsass me, don't back talk me.
And now let me tell you whythis is important as a learning
example.
But you're also going to learnthat you were sassy and I'm not
(14:27):
listening to sass.
Speaker 1 (14:29):
It's ultimately like that disrespect right which we
know definitely is like a hot, ahot button for you.
For the most part, I will say Idon't get a lot of backtalk from
my kids and so like that's hardfor me to kind of commiserate
on.
But I know, like working inschools with kids kids talk back
.
You know I often would likeflip it and like make a joke out
(14:50):
of it because I just, I don'tknow like that was an easier way
to deal with kids, was to belike, did you mean to say that?
Or like you trying to, like,you know, make me mad.
You know, kind of like flip iton them to also clarify like
what's the purpose of why yousaid that?
You know, but it is, um, youknow I'm sure I've got it coming
(15:10):
.
I have quite the sassy littleone that I'm sure once we hit
her teenage years I'm going toexperience it.
But for, also, I can alsousually tell when something you
know, like I think about whatare, like, my hot points that
are always going to set me offand it's things that, like, I'm
always trying to control.
Or if I'm overwhelmed with a lotgoing on in life, like little
(15:32):
things can kind of set me off,and a lot of times it just has
to do with like where you knowwhat's going on in my headspace,
whether that's I've got a lotto do for work or I'm planning
birthday.
But like right now, I got a lotgoing on this week and um and
so yeah, like probably wouldn'thave gotten as mad about the
water bottle, probably wouldhave just grabbed it, you know,
on a normal night.
(15:52):
But I'm also like late in myluteal phase, so I'm about to
start my period.
Like that's a factor for me.
I have a million things runningthrough my head that I need to
get done in the next three days.
You know, I've got a work tripcoming up, mother's Day's around
the corner.
I've got to make sureeverybody's got gifts and all
the you know like.
While I love doing these things, a lot of it is like
(16:13):
expectations I put on myself.
I got to make the birthdaymagic happen.
You know, like there's just alot of things I put on my own
plate, my poor husband's, likewell, how can I help you?
And I'm like you can't becauseyou're not going to do it right
and that's going to piss me offtoo.
And so, like, just, you know,if nothing else, like what you
can do is just ignore me.
(16:35):
When I get a little rageful andand let me be, because I always
come full circle Right, Ialways come out of it.
Speaker 2 (16:41):
It just might take me a couple of hours, I always
come out of it, it just mighttake me a couple hours yeah,
actually that's a nice thing tosay too is like I just need.
Allow me just to kind of be atthis point for a moment you know
, and I think it's fair to allowthem to have that.
Yeah, yeah, also to allow themto have a moment of like grace,
you know, and that does createlike a safe exchange for like
(17:05):
emotions and clarity whenever wedo that.
And you know that is somethingthat we practice, like when
somebody starts to get realsassy or get real upset, then it
has been shown, coached orwhatever.
That, hey, I'm going to go inmy room for a few minutes and
gather everything together andthen we're going to come out and
we're going to, you know,re-approach this a little bit
differently.
So it's almost like acollective timeout that gets
kind of called in that space todo it and then finding times to
(17:29):
talk about things, I think,after the fact, like a few days
later or whenever you need to,just to kind of reassess, touch
base and reassure that you knowthis isn't a display of a lack
of love or compassion oranything else.
This is a natural human emotionor experience that we're all
entitled to engage in, as wellas the checkup process that kind
(17:50):
of happens thereafter, you knowyeah, that kind of repairing
which is important.
Speaker 1 (17:58):
We're not perfect humans and I'll call myself out
on this too.
Like to me, meditation,mindfulness, like you get out
what you put into it and so ifyou're doing like the bare
minimum or maybe you're notfully committing to your
meditation practice, like for merecently, quite honestly, it's
become more about continuing mystreak alive on this app I use
(18:19):
because I'm almost at 365 daysof like not missing a meditation
, but I'm, you know, sometimes Ido it while I'm walking or
sometimes I do it right before Igo to bed, like just so I don't
miss my streak, when really Iknow that I'm a better person If
I do it first thing in themorning, when everyone's asleep,
I can focus and really likedrop in and give myself time,
(18:41):
and I'm getting to the pointwhere I need to do it for longer
stretches.
I can't get necessarily what Ineed from like a five minute
meditation, like I need toreally sit with my thoughts and
my feelings for longer periodsof time.
And so you know, if I'mskimping out on some of that or
just kind of going through themotions and not really like
dropping in, like it does affectmy reactions, you know I am a
(19:05):
better person and less reactivewhen I meditate consistently and
and really, you know, puteverything into it, and so I
think you can go through, youcan say well, I meditate every
day and I still have mom rage.
Well, yeah, but are you really,you know, and that's not to say
you can be giving it everythingand still have mom rage, like
(19:25):
we are not robots and we arereactive to whatever is
happening to us around us, um,within us, yeah, so, yeah,
within us.
And so I think, more thananything, you know, I'm most
proud of the fact that I'mrecognizing it in myself when
it's happening.
You know, I and really am ableto like back off and not berate
(19:48):
my kids about the water bottle.
You know I made one commentyeah, I'm like y'all are being
lazy when you do this.
And then it was like and then Iwas fine, I probably took like
five minutes, but then, you know, went over, and then my
daughter spilled or got somepaint on my brand new couch and
I was less fine again, but youknow, I was able to repair in
that moment, like this reallyupsets me, and I was already
(20:09):
upset but you know what?
It's going to be fine.
It came off the couch, you know, let's move forward.
And so again, like therecognition, like I really want
to credit, and if you'relistening to this and you're
like, hey, at least I'm, atleast we are recognizing it and
not just expecting everyone todeal with our emotions all the
time, right, because we are.
(20:29):
I mean, let's call it what itis we are all over the fucking
place, and if you're not, godbless you.
What's your secret, right?
Speaker 2 (20:36):
Exactly no, for real, and I think that that's what it
comes down to, like I know fora fact what are going to be the
high incident rates or thethings that are going to be the
ignition points that I'm goingto get upset about.
So if I know what those thingsare, then it's also my
responsibility to be moremindful of not, you know, going
to I don't know death con 10 andyou know, and instead maybe
(20:59):
backing up to I don't know alight hand grenade.
I mean, I'm just kind of usinglike little examples here, but
but I think that that isimportant to you know what I
mean To recognize that, okay,I'm, there's been many things
that have happened today thathave gotten under my skin.
I'm working on getting them out, and if you now decide to
become like a chigger or a tickand crawl under there too, then
(21:22):
this whole situation is notgoing to go well.
But I think that that takescommunicating that, and I think
that it takes communicating thatwith our partners, our spouses
or, you know, even our kids.
You know, like, even just ifyou have had a rough or a bad
day, it's not going to.
You can't.
Maybe you can, but it's veryhard to automatically press a
(21:44):
reset button whenever you seethem.
Automatically press a resetbutton whenever you see them.
And also, again, I don't knowthat that's healthy, because I
think that it is good for ourkids to see us again as learning
, struggling with something, totalk about the fact that we're
struggling with something andthen let them see how we cope
with it.
So I don't think that it'shealthy for us to put on a mask
(22:06):
or for our kids to learn that asa behavior from others.
You know that we just have topush everything under the rug.
I have to be all happy and goodbecause you know it's the end of
the day and I don't want you tocome home and come home to an
unhappy household.
Well, the whole house explodedwhile you were gone and the
little risks that you see arereally, you know, are not
exactly a full representation,but I think that's okay too, and
(22:28):
I think that whenever our kidshear that we're struggling with
something, I think that thatautomatically opens the door for
more compassion on their behalf.
Like I have not yet, which maybeyou know we could encounter,
like if I say like hey, I'mhaving a hard time, I'm really
struggling with something rightnow that the kids are then going
to be like, hey, I'm having ahard time, I'm really struggling
with something right now.
That the kids are then going tobe like okay, well, let me use
(22:49):
this as an attack point.
You know what I mean.
We've got a wounded animal here, so I'm just going to pounce on
it.
And I think the same and viceversa.
Our kids may not be able toarticulate, because of their age
, because of their emotionalmaturity, what has happened to
them within their day, and sohaving a grace period for them.
To you know, maybe we're notgoing to just jump straight on
(23:11):
getting homework done orwhatever else like let's just
acknowledge that.
You know today's been a littlebit of a struggle.
So here we are, you know, Ithink that's such a great point.
Speaker 1 (23:22):
I do think that's such a great point in that they
need to see a struggle and seehow we deal with it, so that
they can learn some copingskills and not just, you know,
kind of sweep it under the rug.
And it made me think about acouple of weeks ago you know
this I had a health scare wherethey had found something on my
ovary and I had to have a bunchof tests done and you know a lot
(23:44):
of appointments and things, andit was just, it was a stressful
time, right.
You're playing this waitinggame and you don't know what
they're going to come back andsay.
And it is, it's frightening,and I was definitely on edge for
those few days when I waswaiting on the test results to
come back, which thankfully theycame back benign, everything's
fine, but you know it is, youknow it definitely was impacting
(24:04):
my ability to regulate myemotions, and so that was a
conversation that I had with myson, because he is old enough
now to know and I must havegotten mad about something I'm
sure I did, god knows, I'm surethey tracked in my clean house
or something like that.
Like you know want to set me offlike dirty my house right after
(24:25):
I paid somebody to come cleanit, want to set me off like
dirty my house right after Ipaid somebody to come clean it.
But you know, I guess myhusband pulled him aside and was
like, hey, mom's a little onedge, you know she's a little
worried about something.
Like it's going to be fine, youknow.
And so anyway, when I wasrepairing later I can't even
remember what I had gotten madabout.
But when I was repairing laterwith him, you know, I said to
him I said, you know, I've got alot on my mind right now.
And he's like, yeah, dad toldme, and you know he was like now
(24:48):
I'm really worried.
I was like we have nothing toworry about.
But it opened that conversationof like we're all dealing with
things and you don't know.
You know, you never know whatsomebody's dealing with.
So he and I were able to havethat conversation of you just
never know what people are goingthrough and of you just never
know what people are goingthrough, and then to to provide
a little grace, particularly ifit seems like out of character
(25:13):
or they get mad over whatappears to be something really
tiny Um, you know it's probablysomething bigger under the
surface, under the surface thatyou can't see, Um, so it just
you know.
I I think that's such a greatpoint, and letting them see us
struggle.
Speaker 2 (25:29):
Oh yeah, I mean I just I don't know that there's
been anything that now, havingan adult child that maybe maybe
we should have him on and askhim that that he probably maybe
at some point, like learn morefrom than seeing me go through
things, things.
Yeah, you know, and I do thinkthat that at least I want to
(25:49):
believe that that helped him toprepare for himself and how he
deals with things, maybe veryspecifically due to diabetes,
because he's, you know, it'sjust something that he's really
really, really been veryefficient and good at.
But I think that that wasbecause maybe at that point,
like he saw me go through a lotof hard times because I was, you
know 20,some 20, whenever I got
diagnosed had him at 21.
So he never knew anythingdifferent, and so that's a real
(26:12):
vulnerable time.
I was in the hospital a fewdifferent times so he had to see
all of that.
I'd get sick and he'd see that,and so it was a time in which I
wasn't as in control of mycondition as what I am now.
But thank God that he got tosee that because he was able to,
you know, learn from that.
He's never been in a situationthat I was in yet because of the
(26:35):
disease, and I think that somuch of that is, even if I'm not
sitting there, giving him alesson about this is how you
avoid, you know, x, y and Z, Ithink from an observational
standpoint and then us talkingabout it later, like when he got
diagnosed or whenever he feelsbad.
Then that works and I eventhink, like with our other child
, whenever it comes to thingsshe finds it a safe place to
(26:56):
talk to, and so I can sit thereand, you know, say that, hey,
you're acting pretty sassy, or Ican get pretty upset and be
like you're going to your roomand he ain't coming out until I
let you know You're allowed togo to the bathroom and maybe
have a snack, but I'm prettysure you just ate and you're not
going to starve, so we're goingto wait this one out a little
bit.
No, like we're not.
(27:16):
This isn't playtime, but evenwith her she's really good at
opening up and talking aboutthings or asking about it, and
what she's done lately, which Ithink is real impressive, is
that she's been able to like,gently but firmly, like tell
people whenever she doesn't likewhat their behavior is or she
(27:37):
doesn't find it to be helpful,and so that's one thing that you
know we've been working on.
And so that's one thing thatyou know we've been working on.
You can be gentle and firm anddirective at the same time, and
you don't have to be scared totell somebody or to give them
feedback Like.
It just is a real silly example.
We've recently got another dog.
God bless him.
He's a sweet.
He's a sweet, sweet, sweet boy,a seven-year-old man.
(28:00):
He's a whatever.
He's a Husky.
He's a retired sled dog, livedin a barn seven years and now we
have him in our house, so youcan imagine how well that's
going.
And so he's not.
It's a little bit of a strugglebus to try to train him and we
take different trainingapproaches with our dog and
pretty similar, but my husbandcan be a little bit more firm,
(28:23):
or, you know, being the alphawithin the dog pack, yeah, and
Rachel does not approve.
And so she actually sat down.
She said you know, I reallythink that if you start treating
our dog like this, then hemight come up to you and like
you more, instead of me andSarah having to coax the dog to
kind of come up to you.
And I mean, I didn't have theballs to sit there and say that.
(28:50):
But she did Right, you know,and I was really proud of her
for that.
And you know he did a great job.
He listened to her and, youknow, said thank you.
I appreciate you telling methat it's just a different
approach that I have that I'mworking on.
So he provided her witheducation and information too,
but provided her with educationand information too.
But he didn't sit there and sayyou have no right to sit there
and nail me Right.
You know how sometimes we canget very indignant whenever
somebody gives us feedback.
But you know it was a beautifulexchange and she did a great
(29:12):
job.
Like that's what I'm talkingabout, like being able to, you
know, coach your kids, for themto watch you, and then for you
to also be receptive wheneverthey kind of give you that level
of feedback.
It just makes it so much easierthan whenever things become
more challenging.
So we've got a good base kindof going right now and hopefully
, if we can kind of continue topromote that, then whenever you
(29:35):
know she's 13, you know we'llprobably all be in a discussion
with lawyers, because she talkslike a lawyer, I talk like a
lawyer, he is a lawyer, and soit's just we're going to be in a
discussion with lawyers becauseshe talks like a lawyer, I talk
like a lawyer, he is a lawyer,and so it's just we're going to
be in the middle of like athree-way litigation, not like a
real, like legal one, but we'lljust all get mouthy.
Speaker 1 (29:52):
It'll feel like one.
Speaker 2 (29:53):
Yeah, yeah, but good for her for being able to do
that and to express that.
And again, are we still just?
Are we calling each other outon things?
Sure, we're calling out thebehavior, we're saying it's not
helpful, but then we're doingthat in a way that actually
promotes safety, so that way shecan call somebody out whenever
she doesn't like something or hedoesn't like something.
(30:15):
And even my adult son and I, ifhe's having a fit about
something, I'll be like you know, can you get your head out of
your ass for a second?
Like, really, like that's whatI know Very empathetic mom is a
psychologist, but also it's forreal.
Like I'm not going to sugarcoatsomething to you.
If that's what you need to do,you know, um, and then he'll sit
there and he'll be like okay,mom, you know he knows what I'm
(30:37):
saying whenever I say that, andit's with love and sweetness as
a part of it, and then againit's kind of a check, and then
we come back and we talk andeverything kind of goes well
with it.
So you know, we're all workingon it and grace is important.
Speaker 1 (30:56):
We're all working on it and I think there's so many
teachable moments that we findif we're mindful and we're
really paying attention toourselves and our reactions and
our kids and their reactions,even to our reactions.
You know, my kids don't likewhen I get upset.
I can see it on their faces andthat's never my goal.
Sometimes I want them to knowI'm upset but, like I also
(31:17):
sometimes want to explain tothem why.
And I had a great teachablemoment recently with my son
who's, like I said, he's a tween, so we're going to be, you know
, hitting those puberty yearspretty soon and he has a lot of
questions about puberty.
They must be talking about itat school or something, because
he has some background knowledge.
But I said you know how, likeyour body's about to start
changing no-transcript thatcause us to react differently,
(32:13):
that cause us to behavedifferently, to have, you know,
different feelings, and sosometimes it truly is things
that you can't control in thatmoment, but we can at least
recognize it and be mindful andthen try to move through it in
the best way we can using ourtoolbox.
So I think it's just takingthose teachable moments and not
(32:34):
shaming ourselves when we doexhibit a little bit of mom rage
.
Speaker 2 (32:38):
Right, or other people also maybe.
Yeah, yeah, how good you are Ifyou're not exhibiting mom rage,
then that's something to thinkabout too, right?
Speaker 1 (32:44):
Or other people also maybe.
Yeah, yeah, how good you are,and if you're not exhibiting mom
rage, then that's something tothink about too, Right?
Speaker 2 (32:48):
Well, I mean think about that, you know?
Speaker 1 (32:50):
are you suppressing it?
Are you, you know what?
What is occurring?
Because we all, that's a normalfeeling.
I say that to my kids all thetime.
You know, I'm like, you know,if they're like're like, well,
I'm feeling anxious, that's anormal feeling.
Everybody feels anxious, youknow.
And talking about that, and soI think, just again, like
(33:10):
de-stigmatizing these things isso important for our kids to
understand the differencebetween a feeling and a disorder
, right, right, there's adifference, right, and how are
they different?
And what?
What tools do we have in ourtoolbox to combat these feelings
so that they don't becomedisorders?
Speaker 2 (33:28):
Exactly, and suppression doesn't normally
work as one, or neither does,constantly, I don't know.
Like coming down on someone fordisplaying or having an emotion
Like that also is somethingthat teaches something that's
also not healthy as well.
So, you know, I thinkmodulation, of course, is
helpful, but also I think thatallowing people to experience
(33:52):
different levels of extremesafely is important too.
I mean, I don't know, I justknow that there's going to be
times in your life where you'renot going to be sheltered from
an extreme emotion, a heartbreak, excitement, and I don't know
that that's okay for us to teachthat going to those places is
(34:12):
not allowed either, and I wouldsay that you're allowed to go to
them but not live in them.
So, you know, we can visitdifferent emotional states.
Yeah, our goal is not to likeyou know again, I don't want to.
Yeah, I don't want to be knownas, like you know, rage, sarah,
that every, you know I'm justeverything that's going to come
(34:33):
around and like piss me off isgoing to turn into this.
No, but it is a place that Ivisit and you know what, on
certain trips it might be morefrequent that we go by this
place because of what'shappening, you know or whatever
else but yeah, yeah, but it's aplace you visit and then you
find other ranges of emotions orexperiences to also have as
(34:55):
part of your life.
But by visiting that you learnsomething from it.
So that way again, the nexttime you get to that place you
don't have to feel trapped, youdon't have to live there, you
just visit it for a few moments,you know, and then allow
yourself to to move on to thenext stop.
Speaker 1 (35:12):
It's a visit.
I think we end on that Cause.
That's just.
That's such a nugget of wisdomand great advice for anybody
that's listening andexperiencing any kind of mom
rage, midlife rage, whatever youcare to call it the rage we all
know that exists inside of us.
Great advice.
I love that, Hopefully.
Speaker 2 (35:32):
We'll see how it all goes right.
We're always a.
We'll see.
That's it.
Speaker 1 (35:34):
Work in progress.
All right, I think that's allwe got for this week y'all,
until next week, lilas Out.
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