The moment arrives for every parent – watching your child transform from dependent teenager to independent adult. In this heartfelt conversation, we're joined by a special guest who offers a unique perspective on this pivotal transition from the young adult side of the equation.
Cameron, a college student preparing for graduation and engaged to be married, shares candid insights about what truly helped him navigate the journey to independence. Rather than focusing on the moment of separation, he emphasizes how his successful transition resulted from years of gradual preparation – parents who allowed increasing autonomy while maintaining a reliable safety net of support.
The conversation explores that delicate balance every parent struggles to find: providing enough freedom for growth while ensuring your child knows you're available when truly needed. As Cameron explains, knowing he was unconditionally supported gave him confidence to solve problems independently, navigate uncomfortable situations, and discover his authentic self away from home.
For parents approaching this milestone, our discussion offers practical guidance on preparing teenagers for independence long before move-in day. We address the importance of transferring responsibility for everyday tasks, communicating expectations clearly, and acknowledging the emotional challenges parents face when their caretaking role fundamentally changes.
Perhaps most reassuringly, we discuss how the parent-child relationship doesn't end but evolves into something potentially more rewarding – an adult friendship built on mutual respect. As one parent reflects, "To have an adult relationship with your kid is probably the greatest thing I didn't expect to happen."
Whether you're years away from this transition or facing it imminently, this episode provides valuable perspective for nurturing independence while maintaining meaningful connection. Join us to discover how letting go might just be your greatest parenting achievement.
Please be sure to checkout our website for previous episodes, our psych-approved resource page, and connect with us on social media! All this and more at www.thelylaspodcast.com
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:13):
special guest star today.
Sarah, do you want to do hisintroduction, since you probably
know him better than anybody?
Speaker 2 (00:19):
well, absolutely.
Uh.
Well, sitting right here besideme is none other than Cameron,
who you guys have heard about.
If you have listened to thepodcast, you've heard about his
brag about him, his achievements, his accomplishments, just how
fun and great of a person he is.
So happy that he's my boy.
Look at us, we're twinsies,aren't we?
(00:42):
But it's really cool that he waswilling to come on and talk
about today's topic.
So I told him to be 100% honest,to give it to us real, because
so many parents right now arefinding themselves in a position
where they are going to besending their high school
graduates out of the house,whether that means to a college,
community college, maybe, noteven to go to any other type of
(01:05):
workplace, but just to be out ofthe house.
And so what we want to kind ofget some feedback and talk about
is what maybe and you can againbe honest and truthful with us
on this like, what kind ofthings would you tell other
parents would be helpful forkids in your position or back
whenever you were in thatposition to know about life?
(01:27):
Like, where are we like hittingthe mark and doing things good,
and where are we kind ofdropping the balls and leaving
you guys floundering.
Now, we're always going to dropsome balls, but what types of
things do you think would havebeen?
What were, what was beneficialand what was um could have been
improved, I guess.
Speaker 3 (01:46):
Well, for me it was great.
But I don't think it beginssort of at that point when you
make the decision.
I think this is a culminationof years of preparing a child or
watching them blossom into ayoung adult and then transition
into a point where they start tomake their own decisions.
So I had a wide bit ofindependence growing up and
(02:09):
having that ability to make myown decisions kind of made it a
little bit easier to transitioninto a world where I wasn't
tethered to mom and dad and youknow, and so I had a really
great foundation for that.
You know, the biggest thingsthat helped me was I number one.
I knew I was supported.
That's a big thing, you know.
(02:30):
Anytime that I needed to have adiscussion or was felt
uncomfortable or didn't like theenvironment that I was in, I
knew I was supported.
But I was also, you know, metwith the expectation that I need
to find solutions.
You know, if there's an issuethat is coming at me and in this
world, it's not up to me justto turn around and go ask
somebody else to fix it, youknow, because you're not always
going to have somebody that youcan go back and look at and say,
(02:51):
hey, come do this for me.
You know it's not, it's not,it's not a reality.
So that was really really nice.
And then, you know, I had, Ihad ability to do things.
So I'd always been put intodifferent environments that were
uncomfortable maybe at first,but it had sort of put me in the
right direction to besuccessful.
And so to the parents that arein that situation, you know, I
(03:13):
would hope that they have donesomething similar through the
years and cultivating theirchild who's now becoming an
adult.
It's an awkward transitionaryyou know point.
You know these people, theydon't know who they are yet.
It's an awkward transitionarypoint.
These people, they don't knowwho they are yet you send them
into.
If you're going to college, yousend them to a wide variety of
people in a domain that can feelinclusive but you still can
(03:34):
feel secular on an island, andso there's a lot of emotions and
a lot of things that come atyou.
But if you have good friends,if you have a partner in life
that can make it easier on thattransition, like I did, then
it's not that bad.
Then it becomes sort of like agame where you're just trying to
figure out the quickest or thebest or the most effective
(03:56):
strategy to get through it, howyou want to get through it and
get what you want out of it?
Speaker 1 (04:00):
Gosh why is Beyond his years.
It feels like forever beforeI'll be sending my kids off to
college and I know it won't bethat long because I have a
10-year-old.
So we're on the downward slopeat this point.
But I do have a niece that isgraduating in a couple of weeks
and I talked to my brother theother day and he's nervous
because she's going away toschool and he's like I just want
(04:37):
to make sure it's, you know,the right place for her so that
she can thrive.
And yeah, I just it reminded methat I think that of life or
like really find myself in someways of what I'm capable of.
Or, you know, I never reallythought about it from my
parents' perspective.
You know, if that was difficultfor them to move me 500 miles
away and say good luck, but kindof like you, cam, I always knew
(04:58):
that I could come home ifthings went awry or that if I
needed somebody, that they'dshow up in eight hours when they
could get to me.
So you know, I think thatsupport system is just like the
best thing that we can give ourkids and knowing that if it's a
total crash and burn, like we'realways here, you can always
come home.
You don't have to stay in asituation where you're unhappy.
(05:22):
However.
I did try to come home after thefirst semester and my mom said
no.
Speaker 2 (05:26):
Like we're not calling him up and begging him
to like come to the housebecause we want him to have his
own autonomy and ability to kindof like you've kind of said
like find your own type of way.
So it's almost like athree-step process and I even
think whenever he was a littlekid and there would be like
problems at school or whatever Iwould it was, you can work it
(05:49):
out with your friends, you couldtell the teacher and the
principal and then if those twothings don't work, the big cat's
going to come in, and he didn'twant the big cat coming in.
Speaker 3 (06:00):
Nobody did.
That was not good for anyone.
Speaker 2 (06:03):
But I think that you know again that kind of me
showing him, hey, I've got yourback, no matter what, but let's
try to kind of problem solve.
All of this stuff reallyallowed him to kind of have that
space as to how to figurethings out.
But to also know that you knowwe have this cute little picture
of a lioness with her littlecub and the cub looks real cute
(06:24):
but the lioness is ready topounce like in a second and he
always knew that if he neededthat then that was going to be
able to happen.
You know, at times it might'vebeen a little over the top, but
it got the job done thingsstarted to happen.
Right right Problems were solved, but I think that that allowed
him the flexibility and thereassurance that he can do
(06:49):
things, he can work problems,and he knows that if there's
something else, then we're hereto have his back on that too.
Speaker 1 (06:56):
It's important for kids to go away from home.
It might not be the rightsituation for all kids from home
, like it may not be, it mightnot be the right situation for
all kids, but I think for mostkids to get away and and have to
figure things out on your own,you know, I can remember, you
know needing like a dentalfilling or something like, and I
had to like find a dentist andlike figure out, okay, like
(07:19):
getting the insurance, like allthe things that I had never done
before, and just like somethingas simple of that.
I remember it like flusteringme, but then like figuring it
out, and then that like sense ofaccomplishment of like, oh,
okay, like I can do this, I canfigure out these little hiccups
that come.
But if you stay at home and youdon't ever, you know, go and
(07:39):
I'm not talking, you have to goeight hours away, but like an
hour away, however far, youdon't ever have to figure out
things like that on your own.
I feel like, um, maybe you'renot as prepared when you hit,
like truly your adulthood,because there is something to be
said for, like I couldn't justcall my mom and she would call
my dentist, you know, and makethe appointment for me.
Like it was like no, no, thiswas on me and I had to figure
(08:01):
this out and, um, you know, evenhaving to like figure out
travel arrangements and how Iwas going to get home and you
know little things that, uh,that required a little bit of
problem solving without myparents figuring it all out.
Um, I just I think that'simportant for most kids to
experience not all kids, cause Ido think that you know, for
some kids, in certain situations, like everything has a context
(08:24):
and you have to, you have to dowhat's best in your context.
But I do think that a lot ofkids could benefit from that,
that experience of like justkind of sending them out and
figure it out.
You know, good luck, we're hereif you need us.
Speaker 3 (08:41):
Yeah, yeah, I mean, there's something cool about
making your own day.
You know luck.
We're here if you need us.
Yeah, yeah, I mean it.
There's something cool aboutmaking your own day.
You know, and what it takes along time for people to realize
that that's what they get to do.
You know, whenever you gosomewhere, it's you're at a
university that you know you.
You, yeah, you have a schedule,but you are you going to do it,
you know, and you have to get up, you have to do it.
You have to make time forthings.
You have to.
(09:01):
You have to learn the content,but also learn yourself and your
time management skills and whatyou want to do, what you want
to get out of the experienceswhile you're there, socially and
academically.
So there's a whole host ofabilities that get thrown on or
capabilities that you have tojust figure your way through if
(09:22):
you want to do it.
And then some people find thatthey don't like it and then they
transition into other thingsand it's just a part of growth
and finding what you want to do.
But it's a really, really cooltime.
It's interesting because somany people change from the sort
of identities that they hadwhenever they were younger, into
these cooler more.
You know it's still not, it'sthe same person, but they have
(09:44):
new things to them and it's coolthat they've able to open
themselves up into thoseexperiences.
Speaker 2 (09:49):
Yeah, and from a parental side that means that
it's like a relinquishing ofcontrol.
So if you're a control-basedkind of parent, you probably
need to start to loosen up thosereins before the kid turns 18.
Like, let's start to practicethis a lot sooner because they
need to have that again,practice time to not be
(10:12):
controlled or monitored orchecked on, you know, and you
need to have that kind of spaceand time as a parent too.
And then having like open andhonest conversations with your
kid I think is also pretty key,because you know we always want
them to stay safe or to have agood time, this, that and the
(10:33):
other.
But you know his fiance isgraduating from college and I'm
like, well, we'll our graduationpresent, we will get you a
hotel room in downtownHuntington so you guys can go
out and have fun.
And that really alleviates, youknow, concern for me because
there ain't no Ubers inHuntington, west Virginia, okay,
so especially to take you about25 minutes down the road.
(10:55):
So that's not happening.
And also us being independent,me and Jeff aren't coming out to
get your ass unless it's 100%,you know, if we're talking
hospital fight, big time, badtime stuff, yes, but if he was
two hours away, we wouldn't beable to do it.
We're not making exceptionsbecause you're 20 minutes down
the road, so let's problem solvethis in a different way.
(11:16):
Here's a hotel, a fun place foryou guys to stay, have a great
night, and there you go.
So I think that those areimportant parts of a
relationship to kind of have too.
Speaker 3 (11:26):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (11:28):
Well, yeah, I think there's some codependence
amongst us and kids.
You know, like I think there'salways that tendency.
And so that's what I mean whenit's hard for parents to sort of
let their kids go at the end of18 years to say okay, of let
their kids go at the end of 18years to say okay, because we
have been able to control somuch up to that point, and then
(11:49):
all of a sudden you realize youhave no control and that you
really are putting them outthere to make good, bad
decisions, you know, whatever,because all decisions you're
going to learn from them, goodor bad in most cases.
And so I think just that, um,that's what I mean when I say
it's hard for a lot of parentsbecause we are so dependent on
our kids for the things that weneed, right, like that, that
(12:12):
attention, that love, like that,that relationship.
Um, I was one of those kids thatcalled my mom at least once a
day, even in college.
I still do most days.
And so, you know, I think it'sI'm sure it's different for
everybody, but you know, thatrelationship wasn't ever
strained.
It just, you know she became.
(12:34):
You know the person I calledinstead of the person I ran to
when I got home from school.
You know, it was just it, justit changes in some ways, but if
you're lucky enough to have aparent that's super supportive
and, you know, ready to answeryour call, you know Barb would
have drove eight hours if Ineeded a ride home, if I ended
up in some situation I didn'tneed to be in.
(12:55):
She would have been there asquickly as she could have.
So I think it just it's one ofthose things.
It's a tough transition, youknow, certainly not looking
forward to it, but I have a lotof empathy.
Seems like we have a lot ofpeople we went to high school
with.
I mean, we're 25 years out atthis point.
They have kids that aregraduating high school this year
(13:17):
seeing lots of that on socialmedia and so certainly something
that a lot of people are goingthrough.
It's not me, because I waitedforever to have kids and, you
know, be a granny at theirgraduation, but you know it is
something that people are goingthrough right now.
I can't imagine the idea ofhaving to send my kids somewhere
(13:38):
at this point.
Speaker 2 (13:39):
Yeah, I guess for everybody it's different.
I think and I've said thisbefore for me, and I think
you've known this I've alwayswanted you to get big, like I
was never a parent that wantedlike to hold on to those like
baby years or toddler years orlike those kinds of years.
I've always like I can't waittill you get big because we're
(14:00):
going to have so much fun Liketo see who he is.
And he was always fun and itwas always great.
But to be able to like have anadult relationship with your kid
is probably the greatest thingthat I didn't expect to have
happen.
Like last year it was Mother'sDay weekend and the two of us
went out to snowshoe together.
I still tell everybody I waslike that was one of the best
(14:24):
weekends of my entire life and Iwas running a race.
So I wasn't even with him.
Like what 11 hours, maybelonger than that, I wasn't even
with him.
Nothing, I mean I didn't evenknow where he was at.
He was in bear country outthere fishing and golfing like
literal bear country, no cellservice and no one could get a
(14:44):
hold of me for sure.
But it was just so fun becauseit was the two of us.
We were able to like sit at arestaurant, have some drinks.
It was absolutely one of thebest weekends of my entire life,
like to this day, if not thebest, because it was just such a
cool and unique experience.
It was the first time we everdid it.
(15:06):
I think I mentioned on one ofour other episodes from season
five.
I was like I feel like thissummer whenever we get to take
him and his fiance to big EEurope, like for me as a parent,
I feel like that I've now givenhim everything that I can in
this world, like I have I'veshown he knows how to live with
a disease that's uncurable, thatwe both share, that's worked
(15:29):
out well and there's other lifeexperiences that he's had,
whether it be losses, deaths,divorces, transitions in life.
But for me to be able to sharelike this aspect of the world
with him in life, but for me tobe able to share like this
aspect of the world with him,like if I were to think about,
like my mental kind of likeregisters, things that I want to
be sure to do as a parent if Idied after that trip, I feel
(15:53):
like I have done literallyeverything to now show him
everything about this world andI would.
I mean, that's just it for me,every parent may have their own
thing, but for me, like beingable to show him things and for
him to have the mind and theopenness and just wisdom to take
(16:15):
it and make it his own.
I can't.
What else can I ask for?
There's nothing.
Yeah, I think that's.
Speaker 1 (16:21):
I mean, that's fair.
I just not everybody's able todo things like that right.
I think that's hard for somepeople to relate to too, because
, you know, a lot of us cherishthese childhood years and
they're only there once and themajority of their life.
You know, god willing, if weall live, they'll be adults and
we'll get to have those kinds ofexperiences with them.
But when they're little, thereis something special about like
(16:49):
seeing the world through a kid'seyes and, um, you know, I think
a lot of parents feel likethat's such cherished time and
it's hard to let go of itbecause you know you can't get
it back.
Right, you know you can.
You can watch them grow old,you can watch them become a
parent.
Every stage is exciting.
You can watch them get married,all the things.
But, um, when they're little,there is something really, you
know, just magical about that,and I think that's hard for us
to let go of and realize thatlike once it's gone, it's gone
(17:13):
and uh, I don't know.
We're so different in that way,which is why we have two
different perspectives.
I do look forward to the daythat I can do those types of
things with my kids, but also Idon't want to rush them here.
I don't want to rush throughthese early formative years,
(17:36):
because watching who they'rebecoming now is, you know,
equally as special and it's all.
It's all special.
I think it's just acknowledgingwhat your favorite parts are,
just like you do.
You have no problems aboutsaying like hey, didn't love it,
and that's OK too.
Speaker 2 (17:52):
That's yeah, and it wasn't because, I mean again, he
was perfect.
There was nothing about any ofthat that was bad or wrong or
difficult or a challenge, but Ijust me as knowing myself, I
just knew that this was going tobe like.
It's going to be really reallycool and unique, and everything
(18:13):
that happened as a result of himbeing a kid has helped him to
get to this kind of point.
Speaker 3 (18:18):
So yeah, it's fun Fun times.
Speaker 1 (18:23):
Fun times.
And when do you graduate Cam?
You've got to be close.
Speaker 3 (18:27):
Yeah, next year I'll for sure be done.
I might be done this fall, itjust depends.
I have several years ofathletic eligibility, so I'll be
playing golf in college for alittle while longer, probably
have my grad degree.
I'll be the grandpa on the teamthere you go, be the old man.
Speaker 1 (18:45):
There's nothing wrong with that.
You know, my grandpa played formarshall go.
Really, I didn't know that.
I sure did look it up um yeah,and you're about to get married,
right, or?
I don't know if you've set adate, but you're engaged.
Speaker 3 (19:01):
It'll probably be.
She's starting medical schoolthis summer, so she's going to
be real busy, and then I havetwo years of traveling 14 weeks
out of the year.
So we'll probably settle on apoint whenever I'm finished with
athletics and whenever she'sgot a break in her busy med
school schedule so likely aroundsummer of 2027, something like
(19:21):
that with athletics and whenevershe's got a break in her busy
med school schedule so likelyaround summer of 2027, something
like that.
Okay, so we got some time.
Speaker 1 (19:26):
Yeah, she'll be entering her third year.
No rush down the aisle.
Speaker 3 (19:28):
Yeah, no, it'll be great, we're excited.
Speaker 1 (19:30):
Mm-hmm.
Well, congratulations, you area good kid.
I'll forever be amazed thatSarah raised such a good kid.
Speaker 2 (19:39):
I know.
Speaker 1 (19:40):
She's a hot mess express so the fact that you had
turned out the way you did.
God bless you.
And what's it like to be God'sfavorite?
He certainly was looking outfor you kid.
I give her a hard time about it, but he is, Cam's a great kid,
he's got a great fiance and he'sdoing big things in golf.
(20:00):
I'm excited to keep watching.
Hopefully one day you're goingto get me a ticket to the
Masters.
Speaker 3 (20:06):
That'd be great, that'd be nice.
Betting on it, kid.
Speaker 1 (20:11):
All right.
Better make it happen.
Back to work, right.
Speaker 3 (20:16):
Yeah, seriously, I better go hit the driver Back to
work.
Speaker 2 (20:19):
That's funny.
Speaker 1 (20:20):
All right Well thanks , cam, we appreciate you being
our special guest today.
And go forth and do good kid.
Speaker 3 (20:28):
Sounds good.
Thank you, love you.
Speaker 2 (20:30):
Love you too.
See you later.
Go have fun.
Speaker 1 (20:33):
Bye everybody.
Big kid, Big kid, you're in thebig kid world.
Speaker 3 (20:37):
I're in the big world .
Speaker 1 (20:38):
I'm a small kid so you know it's wild how different
things are.
Like I can't even fathom theidea of yeah, I can't even think
about middle school yet, like,let alone college.
Like, oh, I'm just not there.
So, whatever season of life youfind yourself in, hopefully, if
you are sending your yourschool graduate away, hopefully
(20:58):
this was validating and perhapshelpful in getting your mind
right, because I will be a hotmess come that day, that's for
sure, no doubt about it.
Speaker 2 (21:11):
It's a lot, but I think, as parents, I always
conceptualize my job as I'mraising a miniature adult.
Like what you've said.
They're going to spend 18 yearsof their life as kids and the
rest is going to be adulthood,and the moment they turn 18,
that all changes.
I mean technically, even from amedical standpoint, with HIPAA
(21:32):
and all those laws and thingslike that.
Like your child has got to beable to stand on their own
whenever they legally become anadult.
Sure, they can come home andyou can, whatever help them out
and things like that.
But being able to do simpletasks.
This isn't just about sendingthem off to college, like with
that whole list that comes out,or if you're setting them up an
apartment in a different city orstate, like making sure they
(21:54):
have, like laundry detergent.
It's the things that youmentioned.
It's making sure that they canschedule a doctor's appointment.
How do you go about setting upand getting an electric bill?
If you're living in anapartment?
How do you do laundry?
Speaker 1 (22:07):
How do you grocery shop?
All the like daily mundaneroutines that we do and if
you're like me, you tend to doit for them.
They'll get better at lettingthem share in the responsibility
.
At some point you do have tocut the cord and say I've done
the best I can.
Hopefully you learned somethingalong the way.
(22:28):
If not, you'll figure it out.
We do somehow.
Somehow I figured it out.
God knows if I can do it.
Anybody can do it.
Speaker 2 (22:37):
I didn't.
There's that, there's that,there's that.
But yeah, it's.
There's been a lot of supportand help along the way, but I
think so much of it, too, justcomes down to trusting that you
that, trusting your child, youknow, or you know your young man
to go out there and make gooddecisions.
(22:57):
And you know also that trust canbe taken away if you're not
acting.
So there's always expectations,Like we're always, you know,
setting goals or havingsomething in place to make sure
that you know we're not justgoing to be handing things out
if you're not doing the work.
Speaker 1 (23:14):
Like this is still life, and so it's firm
boundaries Great point that,like you have to trust your kid
and you know, let them makemistakes.
We talk about that a lot.
You got a lot of make a mistakeand and they'll learn from it
and you'll be there to kind ofcoach them through it, hopefully
, if they, if they need that butsuch an exciting time in life.
(23:36):
I wouldn't want to go back tothat time in life because I'm
enjoying life now, but, man, wasthat fun to feel like you had a
fresh take on life, a freshstart.
You know, even just learninghow to make friends.
You know, without havingexisting friendships, to sort of
introduce you to people, I mean, I knew not a single person
(23:56):
when I showed up at CoastalCarolina not one.
I knew not a single person whenI showed up at Coastal Carolina
not one.
And you know it's up to you tomake friends and build
relationships and you know,figure that out for yourself.
And that's what I mean when Isay I think it's important that
kids have that experience atsome point in life where you've
(24:16):
got to figure it out.
Speaker 2 (24:20):
Yeah, yeah, and they benefit from it.
So, even though it might behard or it might feel like a
struggle there might be a lot oflike tears or sadness or just
even pulls on your own heart,that is still probably going to
be a more effective long-termdecision to allow them to have
that extension than restriction.
Speaker 1 (24:42):
Well, good luck parents.
Good luck mom sending your kidsaway.
That's all I got for this week.
Speaker 2 (24:48):
I know We'll see Now we'll put some resources out
there because it is a toughtransition is becoming like one
of those empty nesters and evenjust from a relationship
standpoint, like we have anotherkid in the house.
So it's not like we're trueempty nesters.
But your relationship with yourpartner changes.
(25:09):
Whenever your children aren'tthere.
It's like you re-meet somebodythat maybe you lost touch with
or lost space with and nowyou're reconnecting again.
Or your family dynamics, likeours, changed a whole lot
whenever Cameron left the house.
You know it's all of thesedifferent like transitions, and
just being aware of all of thosepieces I think is and
(25:32):
communicating that with yourspouse is helpful.
Speaker 1 (25:34):
You're all in this together.
That's right.
All right y'all.
Until next week, lilas out.
special guest star today.
Sarah, do you want to do hisintroduction, since you probably
know him better than anybody?
Speaker 2 (00:19):
well, absolutely.
Uh.
Well, sitting right here besideme is none other than Cameron,
who you guys have heard about.
If you have listened to thepodcast, you've heard about his
brag about him, his achievements, his accomplishments, just how
fun and great of a person he is.
So happy that he's my boy.
Look at us, we're twinsies,aren't we?
(00:42):
But it's really cool that he waswilling to come on and talk
about today's topic.
So I told him to be 100% honest,to give it to us real, because
so many parents right now arefinding themselves in a position
where they are going to besending their high school
graduates out of the house,whether that means to a college,
community college, maybe, noteven to go to any other type of
(01:05):
workplace, but just to be out ofthe house.
And so what we want to kind ofget some feedback and talk about
is what maybe and you can againbe honest and truthful with us
on this like, what kind ofthings would you tell other
parents would be helpful forkids in your position or back
whenever you were in thatposition to know about life?
(01:27):
Like, where are we like hittingthe mark and doing things good,
and where are we kind ofdropping the balls and leaving
you guys floundering.
Now, we're always going to dropsome balls, but what types of
things do you think would havebeen?
What were, what was beneficialand what was um could have been
improved, I guess.
Speaker 3 (01:46):
Well, for me it was great.
But I don't think it beginssort of at that point when you
make the decision.
I think this is a culminationof years of preparing a child or
watching them blossom into ayoung adult and then transition
into a point where they start tomake their own decisions.
So I had a wide bit ofindependence growing up and
(02:09):
having that ability to make myown decisions kind of made it a
little bit easier to transitioninto a world where I wasn't
tethered to mom and dad and youknow, and so I had a really
great foundation for that.
You know, the biggest thingsthat helped me was I number one.
I knew I was supported.
That's a big thing, you know.
(02:30):
Anytime that I needed to have adiscussion or was felt
uncomfortable or didn't like theenvironment that I was in, I
knew I was supported.
But I was also, you know, metwith the expectation that I need
to find solutions.
You know, if there's an issuethat is coming at me and in this
world, it's not up to me justto turn around and go ask
somebody else to fix it, youknow, because you're not always
going to have somebody that youcan go back and look at and say,
(02:51):
hey, come do this for me.
You know it's not, it's not,it's not a reality.
So that was really really nice.
And then, you know, I had, Ihad ability to do things.
So I'd always been put intodifferent environments that were
uncomfortable maybe at first,but it had sort of put me in the
right direction to besuccessful.
And so to the parents that arein that situation, you know, I
(03:13):
would hope that they have donesomething similar through the
years and cultivating theirchild who's now becoming an
adult.
It's an awkward transitionaryyou know point.
You know these people, theydon't know who they are yet.
It's an awkward transitionarypoint.
These people, they don't knowwho they are yet you send them
into.
If you're going to college, yousend them to a wide variety of
people in a domain that can feelinclusive but you still can
(03:34):
feel secular on an island, andso there's a lot of emotions and
a lot of things that come atyou.
But if you have good friends,if you have a partner in life
that can make it easier on thattransition, like I did, then
it's not that bad.
Then it becomes sort of like agame where you're just trying to
figure out the quickest or thebest or the most effective
(03:56):
strategy to get through it, howyou want to get through it and
get what you want out of it?
Speaker 1 (04:00):
Gosh why is Beyond his years.
It feels like forever beforeI'll be sending my kids off to
college and I know it won't bethat long because I have a
10-year-old.
So we're on the downward slopeat this point.
But I do have a niece that isgraduating in a couple of weeks
and I talked to my brother theother day and he's nervous
because she's going away toschool and he's like I just want
(04:37):
to make sure it's, you know,the right place for her so that
she can thrive.
And yeah, I just it reminded methat I think that of life or
like really find myself in someways of what I'm capable of.
Or, you know, I never reallythought about it from my
parents' perspective.
You know, if that was difficultfor them to move me 500 miles
away and say good luck, but kindof like you, cam, I always knew
(04:58):
that I could come home ifthings went awry or that if I
needed somebody, that they'dshow up in eight hours when they
could get to me.
So you know, I think thatsupport system is just like the
best thing that we can give ourkids and knowing that if it's a
total crash and burn, like we'realways here, you can always
come home.
You don't have to stay in asituation where you're unhappy.
(05:22):
However.
I did try to come home after thefirst semester and my mom said
no.
Speaker 2 (05:26):
Like we're not calling him up and begging him
to like come to the housebecause we want him to have his
own autonomy and ability to kindof like you've kind of said
like find your own type of way.
So it's almost like athree-step process and I even
think whenever he was a littlekid and there would be like
problems at school or whatever Iwould it was, you can work it
(05:49):
out with your friends, you couldtell the teacher and the
principal and then if those twothings don't work, the big cat's
going to come in, and he didn'twant the big cat coming in.
Speaker 3 (06:00):
Nobody did.
That was not good for anyone.
Speaker 2 (06:03):
But I think that you know again that kind of me
showing him, hey, I've got yourback, no matter what, but let's
try to kind of problem solve.
All of this stuff reallyallowed him to kind of have that
space as to how to figurethings out.
But to also know that you knowwe have this cute little picture
of a lioness with her littlecub and the cub looks real cute
(06:24):
but the lioness is ready topounce like in a second and he
always knew that if he neededthat then that was going to be
able to happen.
You know, at times it might'vebeen a little over the top, but
it got the job done thingsstarted to happen.
Right right Problems were solved, but I think that that allowed
him the flexibility and thereassurance that he can do
(06:49):
things, he can work problems,and he knows that if there's
something else, then we're hereto have his back on that too.
Speaker 1 (06:56):
It's important for kids to go away from home.
It might not be the rightsituation for all kids from home
, like it may not be, it mightnot be the right situation for
all kids, but I think for mostkids to get away and and have to
figure things out on your own,you know, I can remember, you
know needing like a dentalfilling or something like, and I
had to like find a dentist andlike figure out, okay, like
(07:19):
getting the insurance, like allthe things that I had never done
before, and just like somethingas simple of that.
I remember it like flusteringme, but then like figuring it
out, and then that like sense ofaccomplishment of like, oh,
okay, like I can do this, I canfigure out these little hiccups
that come.
But if you stay at home and youdon't ever, you know, go and
(07:39):
I'm not talking, you have to goeight hours away, but like an
hour away, however far, youdon't ever have to figure out
things like that on your own.
I feel like, um, maybe you'renot as prepared when you hit,
like truly your adulthood,because there is something to be
said for, like I couldn't justcall my mom and she would call
my dentist, you know, and makethe appointment for me.
Like it was like no, no, thiswas on me and I had to figure
(08:01):
this out and, um, you know, evenhaving to like figure out
travel arrangements and how Iwas going to get home and you
know little things that, uh,that required a little bit of
problem solving without myparents figuring it all out.
Um, I just I think that'simportant for most kids to
experience not all kids, cause Ido think that you know, for
some kids, in certain situations, like everything has a context
(08:24):
and you have to, you have to dowhat's best in your context.
But I do think that a lot ofkids could benefit from that,
that experience of like justkind of sending them out and
figure it out.
You know, good luck, we're hereif you need us.
Speaker 3 (08:41):
Yeah, yeah, I mean, there's something cool about
making your own day.
You know luck.
We're here if you need us.
Yeah, yeah, I mean it.
There's something cool aboutmaking your own day.
You know, and what it takes along time for people to realize
that that's what they get to do.
You know, whenever you gosomewhere, it's you're at a
university that you know you.
You, yeah, you have a schedule,but you are you going to do it,
you know, and you have to get up, you have to do it.
You have to make time forthings.
You have to.
(09:01):
You have to learn the content,but also learn yourself and your
time management skills and whatyou want to do, what you want
to get out of the experienceswhile you're there, socially and
academically.
So there's a whole host ofabilities that get thrown on or
capabilities that you have tojust figure your way through if
(09:22):
you want to do it.
And then some people find thatthey don't like it and then they
transition into other thingsand it's just a part of growth
and finding what you want to do.
But it's a really, really cooltime.
It's interesting because somany people change from the sort
of identities that they hadwhenever they were younger, into
these cooler more.
You know it's still not, it'sthe same person, but they have
(09:44):
new things to them and it's coolthat they've able to open
themselves up into thoseexperiences.
Speaker 2 (09:49):
Yeah, and from a parental side that means that
it's like a relinquishing ofcontrol.
So if you're a control-basedkind of parent, you probably
need to start to loosen up thosereins before the kid turns 18.
Like, let's start to practicethis a lot sooner because they
need to have that again,practice time to not be
(10:12):
controlled or monitored orchecked on, you know, and you
need to have that kind of spaceand time as a parent too.
And then having like open andhonest conversations with your
kid I think is also pretty key,because you know we always want
them to stay safe or to have agood time, this, that and the
(10:33):
other.
But you know his fiance isgraduating from college and I'm
like, well, we'll our graduationpresent, we will get you a
hotel room in downtownHuntington so you guys can go
out and have fun.
And that really alleviates, youknow, concern for me because
there ain't no Ubers inHuntington, west Virginia, okay,
so especially to take you about25 minutes down the road.
(10:55):
So that's not happening.
And also us being independent,me and Jeff aren't coming out to
get your ass unless it's 100%,you know, if we're talking
hospital fight, big time, badtime stuff, yes, but if he was
two hours away, we wouldn't beable to do it.
We're not making exceptionsbecause you're 20 minutes down
the road, so let's problem solvethis in a different way.
(11:16):
Here's a hotel, a fun place foryou guys to stay, have a great
night, and there you go.
So I think that those areimportant parts of a
relationship to kind of have too.
Speaker 3 (11:26):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (11:28):
Well, yeah, I think there's some codependence
amongst us and kids.
You know, like I think there'salways that tendency.
And so that's what I mean whenit's hard for parents to sort of
let their kids go at the end of18 years to say okay, of let
their kids go at the end of 18years to say okay, because we
have been able to control somuch up to that point, and then
(11:49):
all of a sudden you realize youhave no control and that you
really are putting them outthere to make good, bad
decisions, you know, whatever,because all decisions you're
going to learn from them, goodor bad in most cases.
And so I think just that, um,that's what I mean when I say
it's hard for a lot of parentsbecause we are so dependent on
our kids for the things that weneed, right, like that, that
(12:12):
attention, that love, like that,that relationship.
Um, I was one of those kids thatcalled my mom at least once a
day, even in college.
I still do most days.
And so, you know, I think it'sI'm sure it's different for
everybody, but you know, thatrelationship wasn't ever
strained.
It just, you know she became.
(12:34):
You know the person I calledinstead of the person I ran to
when I got home from school.
You know, it was just it, justit changes in some ways, but if
you're lucky enough to have aparent that's super supportive
and, you know, ready to answeryour call, you know Barb would
have drove eight hours if Ineeded a ride home, if I ended
up in some situation I didn'tneed to be in.
(12:55):
She would have been there asquickly as she could have.
So I think it just it's one ofthose things.
It's a tough transition, youknow, certainly not looking
forward to it, but I have a lotof empathy.
Seems like we have a lot ofpeople we went to high school
with.
I mean, we're 25 years out atthis point.
They have kids that aregraduating high school this year
(13:17):
seeing lots of that on socialmedia and so certainly something
that a lot of people are goingthrough.
It's not me, because I waitedforever to have kids and, you
know, be a granny at theirgraduation, but you know it is
something that people are goingthrough right now.
I can't imagine the idea ofhaving to send my kids somewhere
(13:38):
at this point.
Speaker 2 (13:39):
Yeah, I guess for everybody it's different.
I think and I've said thisbefore for me, and I think
you've known this I've alwayswanted you to get big, like I
was never a parent that wantedlike to hold on to those like
baby years or toddler years orlike those kinds of years.
I've always like I can't waittill you get big because we're
(14:00):
going to have so much fun Liketo see who he is.
And he was always fun and itwas always great.
But to be able to like have anadult relationship with your kid
is probably the greatest thingthat I didn't expect to have
happen.
Like last year it was Mother'sDay weekend and the two of us
went out to snowshoe together.
I still tell everybody I waslike that was one of the best
(14:24):
weekends of my entire life and Iwas running a race.
So I wasn't even with him.
Like what 11 hours, maybelonger than that, I wasn't even
with him.
Nothing, I mean I didn't evenknow where he was at.
He was in bear country outthere fishing and golfing like
literal bear country, no cellservice and no one could get a
(14:44):
hold of me for sure.
But it was just so fun becauseit was the two of us.
We were able to like sit at arestaurant, have some drinks.
It was absolutely one of thebest weekends of my entire life,
like to this day, if not thebest, because it was just such a
cool and unique experience.
It was the first time we everdid it.
(15:06):
I think I mentioned on one ofour other episodes from season
five.
I was like I feel like thissummer whenever we get to take
him and his fiance to big EEurope, like for me as a parent,
I feel like that I've now givenhim everything that I can in
this world, like I have I'veshown he knows how to live with
a disease that's uncurable, thatwe both share, that's worked
(15:29):
out well and there's other lifeexperiences that he's had,
whether it be losses, deaths,divorces, transitions in life.
But for me to be able to sharelike this aspect of the world
with him in life, but for me tobe able to share like this
aspect of the world with him,like if I were to think about,
like my mental kind of likeregisters, things that I want to
be sure to do as a parent if Idied after that trip, I feel
(15:53):
like I have done literallyeverything to now show him
everything about this world andI would.
I mean, that's just it for me,every parent may have their own
thing, but for me, like beingable to show him things and for
him to have the mind and theopenness and just wisdom to take
(16:15):
it and make it his own.
I can't.
What else can I ask for?
There's nothing.
Yeah, I think that's.
Speaker 1 (16:21):
I mean, that's fair.
I just not everybody's able todo things like that right.
I think that's hard for somepeople to relate to too, because
, you know, a lot of us cherishthese childhood years and
they're only there once and themajority of their life.
You know, god willing, if weall live, they'll be adults and
we'll get to have those kinds ofexperiences with them.
But when they're little, thereis something special about like
(16:49):
seeing the world through a kid'seyes and, um, you know, I think
a lot of parents feel likethat's such cherished time and
it's hard to let go of itbecause you know you can't get
it back.
Right, you know you can.
You can watch them grow old,you can watch them become a
parent.
Every stage is exciting.
You can watch them get married,all the things.
But, um, when they're little,there is something really, you
know, just magical about that,and I think that's hard for us
to let go of and realize thatlike once it's gone, it's gone
(17:13):
and uh, I don't know.
We're so different in that way,which is why we have two
different perspectives.
I do look forward to the daythat I can do those types of
things with my kids, but also Idon't want to rush them here.
I don't want to rush throughthese early formative years,
(17:36):
because watching who they'rebecoming now is, you know,
equally as special and it's all.
It's all special.
I think it's just acknowledgingwhat your favorite parts are,
just like you do.
You have no problems aboutsaying like hey, didn't love it,
and that's OK too.
Speaker 2 (17:52):
That's yeah, and it wasn't because, I mean again, he
was perfect.
There was nothing about any ofthat that was bad or wrong or
difficult or a challenge, but Ijust me as knowing myself, I
just knew that this was going tobe like.
It's going to be really reallycool and unique, and everything
(18:13):
that happened as a result of himbeing a kid has helped him to
get to this kind of point.
Speaker 3 (18:18):
So yeah, it's fun Fun times.
Speaker 1 (18:23):
Fun times.
And when do you graduate Cam?
You've got to be close.
Speaker 3 (18:27):
Yeah, next year I'll for sure be done.
I might be done this fall, itjust depends.
I have several years ofathletic eligibility, so I'll be
playing golf in college for alittle while longer, probably
have my grad degree.
I'll be the grandpa on the teamthere you go, be the old man.
Speaker 1 (18:45):
There's nothing wrong with that.
You know, my grandpa played formarshall go.
Really, I didn't know that.
I sure did look it up um yeah,and you're about to get married,
right, or?
I don't know if you've set adate, but you're engaged.
Speaker 3 (19:01):
It'll probably be.
She's starting medical schoolthis summer, so she's going to
be real busy, and then I havetwo years of traveling 14 weeks
out of the year.
So we'll probably settle on apoint whenever I'm finished with
athletics and whenever she'sgot a break in her busy med
school schedule so likely aroundsummer of 2027, something like
(19:21):
that with athletics and whenevershe's got a break in her busy
med school schedule so likelyaround summer of 2027, something
like that.
Okay, so we got some time.
Speaker 1 (19:26):
Yeah, she'll be entering her third year.
No rush down the aisle.
Speaker 3 (19:28):
Yeah, no, it'll be great, we're excited.
Speaker 1 (19:30):
Mm-hmm.
Well, congratulations, you area good kid.
I'll forever be amazed thatSarah raised such a good kid.
Speaker 2 (19:39):
I know.
Speaker 1 (19:40):
She's a hot mess express so the fact that you had
turned out the way you did.
God bless you.
And what's it like to be God'sfavorite?
He certainly was looking outfor you kid.
I give her a hard time about it, but he is, Cam's a great kid,
he's got a great fiance and he'sdoing big things in golf.
(20:00):
I'm excited to keep watching.
Hopefully one day you're goingto get me a ticket to the
Masters.
Speaker 3 (20:06):
That'd be great, that'd be nice.
Betting on it, kid.
Speaker 1 (20:11):
All right.
Better make it happen.
Back to work, right.
Speaker 3 (20:16):
Yeah, seriously, I better go hit the driver Back to
work.
Speaker 2 (20:19):
That's funny.
Speaker 1 (20:20):
All right Well thanks , cam, we appreciate you being
our special guest today.
And go forth and do good kid.
Speaker 3 (20:28):
Sounds good.
Thank you, love you.
Speaker 2 (20:30):
Love you too.
See you later.
Go have fun.
Speaker 1 (20:33):
Bye everybody.
Big kid, Big kid, you're in thebig kid world.
Speaker 3 (20:37):
I're in the big world .
Speaker 1 (20:38):
I'm a small kid so you know it's wild how different
things are.
Like I can't even fathom theidea of yeah, I can't even think
about middle school yet, like,let alone college.
Like, oh, I'm just not there.
So, whatever season of life youfind yourself in, hopefully, if
you are sending your yourschool graduate away, hopefully
(20:58):
this was validating and perhapshelpful in getting your mind
right, because I will be a hotmess come that day, that's for
sure, no doubt about it.
Speaker 2 (21:11):
It's a lot, but I think, as parents, I always
conceptualize my job as I'mraising a miniature adult.
Like what you've said.
They're going to spend 18 yearsof their life as kids and the
rest is going to be adulthood,and the moment they turn 18,
that all changes.
I mean technically, even from amedical standpoint, with HIPAA
(21:32):
and all those laws and thingslike that.
Like your child has got to beable to stand on their own
whenever they legally become anadult.
Sure, they can come home andyou can, whatever help them out
and things like that.
But being able to do simpletasks.
This isn't just about sendingthem off to college, like with
that whole list that comes out,or if you're setting them up an
apartment in a different city orstate, like making sure they
(21:54):
have, like laundry detergent.
It's the things that youmentioned.
It's making sure that they canschedule a doctor's appointment.
How do you go about setting upand getting an electric bill?
If you're living in anapartment?
How do you do laundry?
Speaker 1 (22:07):
How do you grocery shop?
All the like daily mundaneroutines that we do and if
you're like me, you tend to doit for them.
They'll get better at lettingthem share in the responsibility
.
At some point you do have tocut the cord and say I've done
the best I can.
Hopefully you learned somethingalong the way.
(22:28):
If not, you'll figure it out.
We do somehow.
Somehow I figured it out.
God knows if I can do it.
Anybody can do it.
Speaker 2 (22:37):
I didn't.
There's that, there's that,there's that.
But yeah, it's.
There's been a lot of supportand help along the way, but I
think so much of it, too, justcomes down to trusting that you
that, trusting your child, youknow, or you know your young man
to go out there and make gooddecisions.
(22:57):
And you know also that trust canbe taken away if you're not
acting.
So there's always expectations,Like we're always, you know,
setting goals or havingsomething in place to make sure
that you know we're not justgoing to be handing things out
if you're not doing the work.
Speaker 1 (23:14):
Like this is still life, and so it's firm
boundaries Great point that,like you have to trust your kid
and you know, let them makemistakes.
We talk about that a lot.
You got a lot of make a mistakeand and they'll learn from it
and you'll be there to kind ofcoach them through it, hopefully
, if they, if they need that butsuch an exciting time in life.
(23:36):
I wouldn't want to go back tothat time in life because I'm
enjoying life now, but, man, wasthat fun to feel like you had a
fresh take on life, a freshstart.
You know, even just learninghow to make friends.
You know, without havingexisting friendships, to sort of
introduce you to people, I mean, I knew not a single person
(23:56):
when I showed up at CoastalCarolina not one.
I knew not a single person whenI showed up at Coastal Carolina
not one.
And you know it's up to you tomake friends and build
relationships and you know,figure that out for yourself.
And that's what I mean when Isay I think it's important that
kids have that experience atsome point in life where you've
(24:16):
got to figure it out.
Speaker 2 (24:20):
Yeah, yeah, and they benefit from it.
So, even though it might behard or it might feel like a
struggle there might be a lot oflike tears or sadness or just
even pulls on your own heart,that is still probably going to
be a more effective long-termdecision to allow them to have
that extension than restriction.
Speaker 1 (24:42):
Well, good luck parents.
Good luck mom sending your kidsaway.
That's all I got for this week.
Speaker 2 (24:48):
I know We'll see Now we'll put some resources out
there because it is a toughtransition is becoming like one
of those empty nesters and evenjust from a relationship
standpoint, like we have anotherkid in the house.
So it's not like we're trueempty nesters.
But your relationship with yourpartner changes.
(25:09):
Whenever your children aren'tthere.
It's like you re-meet somebodythat maybe you lost touch with
or lost space with and nowyou're reconnecting again.
Or your family dynamics, likeours, changed a whole lot
whenever Cameron left the house.
You know it's all of thesedifferent like transitions, and
just being aware of all of thosepieces I think is and
(25:32):
communicating that with yourspouse is helpful.
Speaker 1 (25:34):
You're all in this together.
That's right.
All right y'all.
Until next week, lilas out.
Popular Podcasts
Stuff You Should Know
If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.
Dateline NBC
Current and classic episodes, featuring compelling true-crime mysteries, powerful documentaries and in-depth investigations. Special Summer Offer: Exclusively on Apple Podcasts, try our Dateline Premium subscription completely free for one month! With Dateline Premium, you get every episode ad-free plus exclusive bonus content.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
I’m Jay Shetty host of On Purpose the worlds #1 Mental Health podcast and I’m so grateful you found us. I started this podcast 5 years ago to invite you into conversations and workshops that are designed to help make you happier, healthier and more healed. I believe that when you (yes you) feel seen, heard and understood you’re able to deal with relationship struggles, work challenges and life’s ups and downs with more ease and grace. I interview experts, celebrities, thought leaders and athletes so that we can grow our mindset, build better habits and uncover a side of them we’ve never seen before. New episodes every Monday and Friday. Your support means the world to me and I don’t take it for granted — click the follow button and leave a review to help us spread the love with On Purpose. I can’t wait for you to listen to your first or 500th episode!