Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:06):
5, 4, 3, 2, 1.
Take a breath, let's dive in.
Hello and welcome to anotherepisode of the Magnificent Ones
Podcast.
Tonight we have a returningguest, mr Gordon.
(00:27):
It's been over a year now sincehe was last on and we look
forward to this segment, whichis titled how Do you Know when
You're Dating Someone?
Before that, let's just do alittle catching up, just for the
sake of housekeeping.
What's going on, mr Gordon, inthe world of you?
Speaker 2 (00:49):
The world of me is an interesting place to traverse.
I can definitely say that it'sbeen good.
I had a new job, seeing a wholedifferent side of medicine that
kind of furthers my interest inthis particular field.
So that's always great.
Just getting more insight,getting close to my faith, it's
(01:13):
nice man Just enjoying the ridehonestly.
So that's pretty much allthat's been going on with me
Work and school and working out.
That's really it Monday throughFriday, honestly.
Speaker 1 (01:30):
It's kind of the same with me too.
You know, honestly, right now Ijust been pacing myself.
Oh yeah, I think pacing is soimportant so you don't get burnt
out.
I think I spent a good portionof last year being burnt out, so
I learned from that.
Speaker 2 (01:45):
I think I spent a good portion of last year being
burnt out.
So I learned from that.
I think I'm right there withyou as well and not only pacing
myself but also granting myselfand others grace and really
really offering that to myselfas much as I can, because at the
end of the day, you can only dowith so much of what you're
(02:08):
given.
In my opinion, and if youoverexert yourself, that's when,
at least for me, burn, that'swhen I get burnt out and it
always shows up at the mostinconvenient time and it
requires so much to kind ofrebuild yourself.
So I would definitely saygiving myself grace, and then
(02:31):
that also kind of helps with mediving into my faith, getting
more and more closer to that andunderstanding that like, okay,
it's okay to not be okay, butit's not okay to realize that
you're not giving yourselfenough space to just, you know,
relax and just enjoy the processfor what it is and instead of
(02:53):
just like putting your face tothe concrete every single day,
cause it's just not conducive atthat point, you're just kind of
working against yourself tosome, to some facet.
Speaker 1 (03:07):
So do you have a lucky lady in your life right
now?
How's, how's that journey going, sir?
Speaker 2 (03:13):
So, like you said, it is a journey.
It is a journey, but there's no, there's no one in my life, um,
but I can definitely say it's.
I feel like I want to openmyself up to that, but I also am
(03:34):
aware of what I would getmyself into if I were to do that
, because I kind of look at, Iguess, relationships a little
different, which is why I'm sohesitant to start dating For me.
I know that I want a lot out ofmyself, so in turn, I would at
(03:55):
least want a person that wouldsomewhat want to reciprocate
that, because I feel like ifthey want a lot from themselves,
we can be able to traverse, youknow, the relationship that way
, to where it's like we'reconstantly working to better
ourselves, which will, in turn,better the relationship.
And I feel like I hate to be aDebbie Donovan.
(04:17):
I feel like a lot of peopledon't have that.
I feel like a lot of peoplewant to take the easy route and
they want to quit, they don'twant to put the work in, they
don't want to get to knowthemselves or people, and then
it's always a sort of um, it'stransaction based.
Yeah, it's like I give yousomething, you get something,
(04:38):
vice versa, and I feel likeeveryone has different metrics
and everyone has different pricepoints and they don't, no one
presents themselves with that,and then people find out late
what they're getting into andthen it just it doesn't work out
in the end.
So, having that knowledge, Ikind of just want to kind of
(05:00):
stay away from that for a littlebit.
Speaker 1 (05:03):
There's nothing wrong with that man.
Yeah, I mean, I don't have toworry about dating anyone.
Oh, what a life to live.
Cheers to that.
Listen, I don't know if I coulddate anyone in this time and
space, or what that would evenlook like.
I think for me, dating is avery scary idea.
(05:27):
Okay, I think that before, say,it was like 10 years ago.
I feel like the lines wereclear as to where people stood.
Speaker 2 (05:38):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (05:38):
And in this era, I don't think the lines are clear
for everyone.
I don't even think there'slines anywhere.
It's like that Robin Thickesong Blurred Lines it's come to
fruition, definitely.
Speaker 2 (05:51):
Yeah, it's just tough because it's like, at the end
of the day, there are goodpeople out there that truly want
like a traditional relationshipand really want to pour into
their partner and vice versa,but I'd really feel like there's
a lot of bad that supersedesthat, so they get kind of
(06:11):
drowned out and even almostassimilated into that.
It's where it's super hard todifferentiate between the two,
and so for me, the best courseof action has just been not even
to attempt to date.
Speaker 1 (06:24):
So let me ask you this how do you know if you're
dating someone?
How do you know, when do twopeople know when they're dating
each other?
Now, after you give yourresponse, I'll say my two cents
or a penny on the situation.
Speaker 2 (06:44):
I think the first thing is transparency.
Definitely everyone needs to beaware like in fine writing, I
am dating this person.
Speaker 1 (06:54):
Okay, here's, here's this other question then what is
dating?
Speaker 2 (06:58):
I think dating is the art of learning each other and
seeing if you two would benefitlong term in a partnership.
Speaker 1 (07:12):
That's what I think.
Here's what's interesting to me.
I remember when I was younger,people would always say man,
you're such a player.
I would always say, how am I?
You're such a player?
And I would always say, well,how am I a player?
Like what makes me a player?
They're like, man, you go outon all these dates and I've
(07:32):
never considered myself going on.
For me, going on a date wouldmean I explicitly stated to
someone hey, we're going on adate tomorrow.
That is black and white, likevery straightforward.
I would go, you know um, getcoffee with someone or, you know
, have lunch with someone orwhatever.
(07:53):
And people would always tell melike, hey, how was your date?
And I was like I wasn't on adate and and in all seriousness,
right, I was being serious,yeah, I never thought of myself
as being on a date.
Speaker 2 (08:03):
Right.
Speaker 1 (08:05):
And then other people would be like are you dating
so-and-so?
I'm like, no, that's just myfriend, right?
Like we can grab lunch, likewhat you know?
Like why do you think thatwe're dating?
Like I said, dating would meanthat I'm like, hey, if this
person's my girlfriend, thenwe're dating.
If I go and grab lunch withsomeone, we're just grabbing
(08:28):
lunch, right?
So when people use the termdating, I feel like dating is a
very loose term.
I can agree with that, becauseif someone's like hey, and I
think that's where themiscommunication is, because
maybe you went on like fivelunch outings with someone and
(08:48):
then now this person's like oh,we're dating, but in your head
you're like oh, we just grabbeda meal together, it was brunch.
Speaker 2 (08:55):
I think that's where it boils back to the whole.
I think, well, transparency oneand then perception.
But I think the perceptionwould stem from the transparency
in the sense of, like, I'mletting this person know up
front this is what this is andwhat they do with that
information is entirely at theirdiscretion.
(09:15):
But I at least know this iswhat this is and I can be okay
with, like the repercussionsthat may or may not come from
that.
Speaker 1 (09:25):
I think what happens is a lot of people on both sides
they'll put their toe in thewater and both people are like,
are afraid to just say tothemselves hey, we're dating or
hey, let's go on a date.
And so they both live in thisstate of lim with each other
yeah that nothing's actuallyever been established.
(09:47):
And then when one person's like,hey, this isn't working out,
you're like, oh, I thought we'redating, you know, like you're
breaking up with me, and but noone was ever brave enough to
actually state what their statuswas, because they felt like if
they did, they were going tolose the other person yeah,
that's exactly why I don't wantto do this dating thing, because
(10:10):
, at least me, I will be morethan happy to let this person
know.
Speaker 2 (10:15):
This is what this is, and what you choose to do with
that information is entirely atyour own discretion, and I will
have nothing but respect for youwith how you receive and
respond to said.
You know what I give you withthat it.
I feel like people are justscared, just truly afraid of one
(10:39):
abandonment.
People sometimes don't likeputting themselves out there and
not getting you know what theywhat they at least expect, which
would be like okay, I'm puttingmyself out there, I'm making an
effort to like court thisperson, but yet it's not good
enough and I feel like peopleneed to learn to kind of get out
(11:01):
of that and honestly throwthemselves in the fire, throw
themselves to the wolves,because you're not gonna get
what you want by being, bytiptoeing around things or being
timid.
Or you may get something andit's entirely not what you would
hope for, or it won't last long.
(11:21):
It's like, um, reheating pizzain a microwave.
In regards to like in a brickoven, yeah, it's.
It's gonna be two differentthings.
Yeah, one you'll have like inthe microwave.
Yes, it'll be like hot and youknow it'll taste good, but there
will be cold spots probably,you know.
Whereas, if you were to reheatit in an oven and it's getting a
(11:45):
thorough like cooking or baking, whatever sorts you want to
phrase it as like it'll be thatmuch more satisfactory for you
in the long run.
Yeah, so I don't know if I'mhungry, but I think that would
be.
I think that's a pretty good, Iguess, segue into how you would
(12:06):
perceive dating as far as like,do you want it to be for a good
time or a long time?
Speaker 1 (12:11):
Yeah, I think people are afraid.
Like you said, people areafraid, people are afraid to be
vulnerable, people are afraid ofrejection and people sometimes
are looking for different things.
And it's always good to be,like you said, transparent and
say what it is that you want,because this is the quickest way
to know if you guys arecompatible yeah if both people
(12:33):
like hey, I want a and you'relike I want b, boom, boom.
You know, you know it's, it'sreally.
Maybe you can work through it,but at least you both are aware
right and um, I think I remembersome people and this is this
was scary.
Scary thought for me was I had afriend that was engaged right,
(13:01):
and I always thought, okay, likethat's, that was just weird
that they were engaged like sofast and and that engagement
didn't work out.
And so that same friend, youknow, asked me to hang out with
them a few times in a differentkind of way, and I was like, oh
(13:24):
sure.
And he asked me different kindof way and I was like oh sure.
And he asked me for a ride onenight and I was like oh yeah,
cool.
And I thought it was veryinteresting that you know like
it was like, oh, the places thatthey wanted to go was to me in
a way like kind of romantic, butI was just like, oh, this is
something that my friend wantedto do.
(13:48):
You know, I didn't, you know, Ididn't think anything of it.
So, next thing, you know, um, Ihad a post on Facebook and the
post was a Bob Marley quote, andthe the quote was you know, if
she's worth it?
You know, like, what it takesfor someone to conquer your
(14:10):
heart, right and um, this entiretime.
Now, this is very interesting.
I guess she's saying that we'redating.
I was not aware that we weredating.
Whew, and so one, I don't postanything on social media about
(14:30):
my personal personal life, right, and so you know, I don't look
at other people's social mediaeither.
So you know, that's just my, mything, yeah, so the fact that
Her sister hits me up and hersister is like, hey, that post
on Facebook, is that your way oftelling my sister that she's
(14:53):
not worth it?
And I'm sitting there likedumbfounded, like what are you
talking about?
Like what do you mean thatshe's not worth it?
I said, I said it's a bobmarley quote.
I just thought it was a verycool quote.
It has nothing to do with myfeelings on anything or on
anyone, it's just a bob marleyquote.
(15:13):
And then, secondly, what isgoing on between me and your
sister?
Like, we've been friends foryears, like for years.
So we've been friends for years.
How is it, miraculously, myquote is now affecting her life?
Well, we've been friends foryears.
She was engaged to someone.
(15:34):
That engagement did not workout and as friends we got ice
cream.
We talked about her problems.
Not hey, I like you, you likeme.
It was that.
You know, so you know aftergoing through that, and then you
(15:57):
know like she gets engaged.
Speaker 2 (16:00):
Another person.
Speaker 1 (16:01):
Listen from that point.
Literally a month later shegets engaged again.
Speaker 2 (16:09):
Wow.
Speaker 1 (16:09):
From that point, like literally one month, and she
sends me a wedding invitation.
Okay, after the wedding hashappened.
Oh, wow, and I laughed Wow,okay, listen.
(16:32):
I found it to be extremelyinteresting though, because,
again, I was like well, I guessin America you could be dating
someone and just didn't knowthat you guys were dating she
was waiting.
Well, I guess in america youcould be hitting someone and
just didn't know you guys weredating.
She was waiting on the fifthdate to tell you she's like the
fifth date to tell me I guess,like you said, so like having
experiences like that, it's kindof it kind of scars you a
(16:53):
little bit, and I've had acouple of encounters like that.
Speaker 2 (16:55):
You know where I'm like oh yeah, I definitely
learned that some people do arefearful for what other people
will say, but sometimes withthat, that's literally that in
the sense of I won't, I don'twant to let them know I need
them for this, but I do knowthat we could do this and it
(17:18):
will provide some sort of reliefin this aspect for me, but to
them they wouldn't even knowthat as long as I don't
communicate that with them.
Like, for instance, I went on,I was in my mind I was pursuing
this person and she made it seemlike I was.
It was okay.
Come to find out I learned thatshe was having dealings with
(17:41):
somebody and I was.
The emotional aspect.
Yeah, so that's also how thereason why I don't really feel
like going into dating again,because I don't want to be the
emotional scapegoat for somebodythe emotional support person,
right, the, the emotionalsupportpegoat for somebody, the
emotional support person, right,the emotional support animal
(18:01):
for this person, especiallywithout my knowledge.
Had she had told me that upfront, like I said, I could have
.
What I decided to do with thatknowledge is at my discretion.
At least I know and she knowswe're all on the same page, yeah
, and I honestly would haverespected her a little bit more
(18:22):
up front if she told me that.
But me having to find out nowthe information I've learned, I
can't look at you the same, yeah, and with that now I have a
jaded, I can say I have a morejaded view on pursuing and
actually dating because of thatone instance.
(18:44):
And I think a lot of timespeople, the more they kind of
allow themselves to get in thosesituations, the more they're
less likely to kind of put alltheir cards on the table, kind
of put all their cards on thetable, which would be, it seems,
counterintuitive to what shouldhappen in the long run, being
that, okay, I've been hurt or Ihaven't been heard or I haven't
(19:07):
been seen.
Maybe I should put it on aplatform to where I can be heard
, I can be seen, but peoplechoose not to do that and that
puzzles me to this day.
Speaker 1 (19:18):
I remember, you know, dating-wise, when I was dating
I was probably one of the I hadlike a really bad experience
dating, which was you learn,like mentally, that every human
(19:38):
being matures at a completelydifferent rate, definitely, and
the things that we think we likenow are not the things that we
may like later, and sometimesit's not that the relationship
isn't right, it's just not rightright now.
It's like some people they needthat five year, ten year growth
and development and I thinkthen they'd be right for each
(20:00):
other.
Um, you know even dating andyou learn, like you know, about
maturity and someone will tellyou something like oh, if you
can't be with me, you can't bewith anyone else.
You know and, like you, learn,like, wow, it was like that took
a turn for the worse.
(20:20):
Yeah, um, I don't think thatpeople deal with that as much
today, but I think that people,what people do deal with is,
like you said, it'stransactional.
Speaker 2 (20:29):
Yes.
Speaker 1 (20:29):
So it's like I need you so long as you know, uh know
, uh, you serve a purpose in mylife.
Um, relationships do feel likethey're transactional,
especially as the outsiderlooking in on things.
I think people maybe like itcan be transactional in the
sense that one person providesemotional support and one person
(20:51):
provides financial support, butno one's being honest with each
other, and so they wake up oneday and, ultimately, maybe five
years have passed and they'relike, wow, what are we doing?
Yeah, yeah, you know what arewe they ask themselves like what
are?
we couldn't agree more you know,and I think that's scary to
realize for other people nowlike, yeah, you know, like you
(21:14):
see your friends, that youthought they were happy together
and like they've been togetherfor five years or however long,
and then they just like theyjust woke up one day and then
now they just hate each other.
It's like it just.
But the fact is it's not thatthey woke up one day, it's that
they kept pushing things backand pushing things back, not
addressing things.
So maybe 10 years passed andthey're like okay, we're not
(21:36):
right for each other who is thisperson next to?
Speaker 2 (21:38):
me exactly oh wait, I've never known them this
entire time exactly, and it's,it's, it's always.
Speaker 1 (21:44):
It always was like what you could do for me, not,
hey, um, I'm my whole self andyou're your whole person.
Let's come together and see howwe could make that one thing
definitely it's that we'rebroken people and we're not
going to show each other thatwe're both broken or the ways
that we're broken.
And then we're going to enterin pretending that we're whole
(22:08):
people and the pieces don't fitperfectly together.
But we're going to pretend likethey do until more and more
situations wear and tear thatrelationship down, until you're
like all right.
Speaker 2 (22:22):
Finally we hate each other, we hate you.
Now we can go now we can behonest.
Speaker 1 (22:27):
Now we can leave.
Now we can leave because we'regoing to be honest with each
other right now.
At the end of the relationshipthere was a, an older person,
that said to me years ago theysaid the end of a relationship
reveals to you what therelationship was all along.
I love that, yeah, becausethere's plenty of situations
(22:48):
where a person gets to the pointwhere the relationship was
great and they're like we'rejust better off as friends and
they continue to be friends, youknow, for years, yeah, and you
also have the other side ofthings where the relationship
(23:08):
was great and then at the end,everyone hates each other yeah
you know and either way it'sscary because I was like man the
relationship at the end,whether it's by death, divorce
or breakup, it reveals what therelationship was all along.
I was like man, that's profound,definitely.
Speaker 2 (23:27):
I've also learned that people perceive
vulnerability specifically asweakness, and I think it's the
exact opposite.
I think it takes a really strongindividual to be vulnerable
with themselves, with a stranger, with people that they've known
all their lives.
I think once people get out oftheir heads and realize that
(23:49):
there is strength in that andlearning that you can confide
not to a large degree but youcan say things that may not be
okay to the ears, in the senseof it's not peaches and rainbows
, and I feel like other peopleshould understand that it's not
(24:09):
peaches and rainbows.
It's not going to always be gooddays and I feel like with
relationships, people shouldlearn that you should probably
not want the good days, butappreciate the bad days just as
much as the good days, andunderstanding that there is some
work to be done and combatingthat together is definitely
(24:32):
something that people should tryto do more.
People should try to do morebecause I feel like there's
always when, when it, whenthings hit the fan, they people
tend to tend to kind of go totheir own um values, or what
they like feel is takesprecedence at that point in time
.
So, instead of necessarilycombating the problem as a unit.
(24:56):
Now it's like the north and thesouth and it's a whole civil
war kind of thing.
It's just like I have my valuesand I have my values and
instead of coming to like acommon ground, they're just
clashing, yeah, and whoevercomes out on top in the end is,
you know, the victor.
But at the end of the day, thething that really won was the
(25:16):
problem itself yeah and that'sjust.
It's slowly laying thefoundation or, if anything, it's
taking apart a foundation breakby break, until finally the
foundation just collapses onitself and boom.
That's when they get the whole.
They wake up one day and theylook at the person and they're
like I'm done, you know yeah,listen, the scariest part about
(25:46):
relationships.
Speaker 1 (25:48):
I think they are also the most beautiful parts.
Speaker 2 (25:51):
Definitely.
Speaker 1 (25:53):
Because even the worst arguments that you have
with someone, the argumentitself is bad, right, it's a bad
thing, but if you go through itand both parties are honest,
it's the best thing ever,because a true that it was a
truthful, you know revelationwhich also leads to a resolution
(26:14):
.
And then you look back andyou're like man, I can't believe
we argued about that.
That was dumb no, stupid and andlooking back can either be the
best thing that ever happened toyou or it could be the worst
thing that ever happened to you,and I think that the further
along I am in my relationship,the more I'm like man.
Remember, when we used to argueabout this, remember, you know,
(26:36):
like you remember, and it'slike each time we say that
that's an obstacle we overcamewith each other.
Right, and I don't think thatmost people today get to
experience that in dating, thatlike they overcome things
together.
It's like.
I guess I'll let this slide,yeah yeah I, you know, it's like
every, it's like everything yousay can and will be used
(26:59):
against you in the court of law,in the court of relationship
court exactly, and everyone'slike holding ammunition against
each other yeah.
Versus.
Hey, listen, this made me feelthis way.
Let's talk about it, let's growfrom it, let's move on from it.
But it's like, no, I'm going topile up like a nuclear
stockpile All the things you'vedone me wrong with and just
(27:21):
implode and just implode orexplode on you.
So you know how much you hurtme.
And it's like sometimes you'rearguing over over dishes or
something, and you're likeyou're not arguing over dishes,
you're arguing over the last 10years.
There's a hidden agenda here andit's just it's just a bunch of
unresolved things, yeah, thatpeople are just throwing at each
(27:43):
other.
So I don't know what it meansfor people to be dating each
other.
I don't think I.
I don't think that a lot ofpeople know what they mean when
they see they're dating or whatthey're looking for.
I think that human beings aresocial creatures and sometimes
they're just happy to be withsomeone and they do, but they
don't know what that means to bewith someone longterm.
Speaker 2 (28:06):
I can agree.
You're like what I think um.
Going back to what you saidabout um people being very
social creatures, I feel likenow there's so much dissonance
with actual communication withyour fellow human that it's
actually like altering people'sbrain chemistry.
This is just me.
(28:26):
I feel like people areliterally making themselves
worse by just not talking tosomebody and specifically just
talking to somebody random, youknow you.
you never know what's going onbehind closed doors, what
battles someone's fighting, youknow where they're at in life or
where they're trying to get to,but you know it does, at least
(28:48):
to me.
If I've had just a goodconversation with somebody I may
or may not know, it doessomething to me on a cellular
level.
I genuinely feel better and Ifeel like if people just learn
to just talk to someone or justtalk, just talk, simple as that,
I feel like there, there, therewould be a better way of
(29:09):
traversing through datingspecifically.
I think it'll segue into that,because I feel like just having
conversations, learning aboutanother person and understanding
them or seeing where their headspace is, that can matriculate
into the dating, like traversingthrough dating, and it'll just
be much more easier for people,for both parties.
(29:31):
Yeah, I, I truly think that Ifeel like people just need to
learn to talk to people insteadof being so stuck up and snobby
and just, you know to themselvesand recluse.
You know it's not good for you,it's not.
You literally can't be byyourself for long periods of
time.
It will literally mess you upfrom a psychological standpoint.
Speaker 1 (29:55):
It's like and I was thinking about this the other
day and I hit up one of myfriends and I was like man, even
professionally.
Now it's like people want amind reader yeah, instead of
just saying hey, I want this.
Tell me what you want.
Tell me what is exactly what itis that you want Versus you,
(30:21):
creating this perception like oh, I don't understand you.
Yeah, I can't understand you,unless you tell me I need to
create a baseline as to who youare as a person.
So if I can't understand you,you should ask yourself why
can't he understand me?
Maybe it's because you're notusing your words.
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (30:38):
Or not even that, and also tell me how you feel as
well.
I feel like people hold backall the time, for good and wrong
reasons, because they don'twant what they perceive the
other person will do inretaliation to what information
(30:59):
has been presented to them, andthat's not right.
I feel like you're doing them adisservice one because at the
end of the day, you may thinkyou know somebody, but until
they do something, you're not.
You'll never be 100% right, andI feel like people bank off of
that.
They're like oh, if I tell thisto them, I know they're going
(31:20):
to do this.
What if they do somethingdifferent?
And now, instead of traversingand addressing the problem, you
created a bigger problem younever know.
Speaker 1 (31:31):
Like listen, uncertainty isn't a bad thing.
Speaker 2 (31:35):
Yeah, certainty for some people creates fear yes but
uncertainty also createsopportunity I can agree with
that as well.
Yeah, and it all depends onwhat you make.
Speaker 1 (31:46):
You can either make it a fearful opportunity or you
can just make it an opportunity,an opportunity to grow and to
learn each other.
But again, you cannot notcommunicate and expect to be
understood.
You know, life is a very finitething and, as far as we know,
(32:10):
we don't get to do this over andover and over again.
So why not just be real witheach other, enjoy each other's
time and company, grow with eachother instead of oh, we'll just
see where things go, but nottalk to each other about where
we want to go?
Right?
It's like a car.
I think dating is like a car.
(32:30):
If you don't pay attention andbe intentional to where you're
staring unless you have a cashflow, of course, yeah, you're
going to go off the road.
You're going to crash intosomething, right?
So unless you're intentionalabout where you're going to go
off the road, you're going tocrash into something, right?
So unless you're intentionalabout where you're going with
your relationship, yourrelationship is going to crash
(32:50):
and burn, baby, you know that'sjust how it is.
So, yeah, yeah, man Now, thankyou again for taking the time to
be on the Magnificent Onespodcast.
Speaker 2 (33:02):
Thanks for having me.
Of course it's always apleasure.
Speaker 1 (33:05):
Thank you, my good sir.
All right, if you enjoyedtoday's content, please like and
subscribe for more.
5, 4, 3, 2, 1.
Take a breath, let's dive in.
Hello and welcome to anotherepisode of the Magnificent Ones
Podcast.
Tonight we have a returningguest, mr Gordon.
(00:27):
It's been over a year now sincehe was last on and we look
forward to this segment, whichis titled how Do you Know when
You're Dating Someone?
Before that, let's just do alittle catching up, just for the
sake of housekeeping.
What's going on, mr Gordon, inthe world of you?
Speaker 2 (00:49):
The world of me is an interesting place to traverse.
I can definitely say that it'sbeen good.
I had a new job, seeing a wholedifferent side of medicine that
kind of furthers my interest inthis particular field.
So that's always great.
Just getting more insight,getting close to my faith, it's
(01:13):
nice man Just enjoying the ridehonestly.
So that's pretty much allthat's been going on with me
Work and school and working out.
That's really it Monday throughFriday, honestly.
Speaker 1 (01:30):
It's kind of the same with me too.
You know, honestly, right now Ijust been pacing myself.
Oh yeah, I think pacing is soimportant so you don't get burnt
out.
I think I spent a good portionof last year being burnt out, so
I learned from that.
Speaker 2 (01:45):
I think I spent a good portion of last year being
burnt out.
So I learned from that.
I think I'm right there withyou as well and not only pacing
myself but also granting myselfand others grace and really
really offering that to myselfas much as I can, because at the
end of the day, you can only dowith so much of what you're
(02:08):
given.
In my opinion, and if youoverexert yourself, that's when,
at least for me, burn, that'swhen I get burnt out and it
always shows up at the mostinconvenient time and it
requires so much to kind ofrebuild yourself.
So I would definitely saygiving myself grace, and then
(02:31):
that also kind of helps with mediving into my faith, getting
more and more closer to that andunderstanding that like, okay,
it's okay to not be okay, butit's not okay to realize that
you're not giving yourselfenough space to just, you know,
relax and just enjoy the processfor what it is and instead of
(02:53):
just like putting your face tothe concrete every single day,
cause it's just not conducive atthat point, you're just kind of
working against yourself tosome, to some facet.
Speaker 1 (03:07):
So do you have a lucky lady in your life right
now?
How's, how's that journey going, sir?
Speaker 2 (03:13):
So, like you said, it is a journey.
It is a journey, but there's no, there's no one in my life, um,
but I can definitely say it's.
I feel like I want to openmyself up to that, but I also am
(03:34):
aware of what I would getmyself into if I were to do that
, because I kind of look at, Iguess, relationships a little
different, which is why I'm sohesitant to start dating For me.
I know that I want a lot out ofmyself, so in turn, I would at
(03:55):
least want a person that wouldsomewhat want to reciprocate
that, because I feel like ifthey want a lot from themselves,
we can be able to traverse, youknow, the relationship that way
, to where it's like we'reconstantly working to better
ourselves, which will, in turn,better the relationship.
And I feel like I hate to be aDebbie Donovan.
(04:17):
I feel like a lot of peopledon't have that.
I feel like a lot of peoplewant to take the easy route and
they want to quit, they don'twant to put the work in, they
don't want to get to knowthemselves or people, and then
it's always a sort of um, it'stransaction based.
Yeah, it's like I give yousomething, you get something,
(04:38):
vice versa, and I feel likeeveryone has different metrics
and everyone has different pricepoints and they don't, no one
presents themselves with that,and then people find out late
what they're getting into andthen it just it doesn't work out
in the end.
So, having that knowledge, Ikind of just want to kind of
(05:00):
stay away from that for a littlebit.
Speaker 1 (05:03):
There's nothing wrong with that man.
Yeah, I mean, I don't have toworry about dating anyone.
Oh, what a life to live.
Cheers to that.
Listen, I don't know if I coulddate anyone in this time and
space, or what that would evenlook like.
I think for me, dating is avery scary idea.
(05:27):
Okay, I think that before, say,it was like 10 years ago.
I feel like the lines wereclear as to where people stood.
Speaker 2 (05:38):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (05:38):
And in this era, I don't think the lines are clear
for everyone.
I don't even think there'slines anywhere.
It's like that Robin Thickesong Blurred Lines it's come to
fruition, definitely.
Speaker 2 (05:51):
Yeah, it's just tough because it's like, at the end
of the day, there are goodpeople out there that truly want
like a traditional relationshipand really want to pour into
their partner and vice versa,but I'd really feel like there's
a lot of bad that supersedesthat, so they get kind of
(06:11):
drowned out and even almostassimilated into that.
It's where it's super hard todifferentiate between the two,
and so for me, the best courseof action has just been not even
to attempt to date.
Speaker 1 (06:24):
So let me ask you this how do you know if you're
dating someone?
How do you know, when do twopeople know when they're dating
each other?
Now, after you give yourresponse, I'll say my two cents
or a penny on the situation.
Speaker 2 (06:44):
I think the first thing is transparency.
Definitely everyone needs to beaware like in fine writing, I
am dating this person.
Speaker 1 (06:54):
Okay, here's, here's this other question then what is
dating?
Speaker 2 (06:58):
I think dating is the art of learning each other and
seeing if you two would benefitlong term in a partnership.
Speaker 1 (07:12):
That's what I think.
Here's what's interesting to me.
I remember when I was younger,people would always say man,
you're such a player.
I would always say, how am I?
You're such a player?
And I would always say, well,how am I a player?
Like what makes me a player?
They're like, man, you go outon all these dates and I've
(07:32):
never considered myself going on.
For me, going on a date wouldmean I explicitly stated to
someone hey, we're going on adate tomorrow.
That is black and white, likevery straightforward.
I would go, you know um, getcoffee with someone or, you know
, have lunch with someone orwhatever.
(07:53):
And people would always tell melike, hey, how was your date?
And I was like I wasn't on adate and and in all seriousness,
right, I was being serious,yeah, I never thought of myself
as being on a date.
Speaker 2 (08:03):
Right.
Speaker 1 (08:05):
And then other people would be like are you dating
so-and-so?
I'm like, no, that's just myfriend, right?
Like we can grab lunch, likewhat you know?
Like why do you think thatwe're dating?
Like I said, dating would meanthat I'm like, hey, if this
person's my girlfriend, thenwe're dating.
If I go and grab lunch withsomeone, we're just grabbing
(08:28):
lunch, right?
So when people use the termdating, I feel like dating is a
very loose term.
I can agree with that, becauseif someone's like hey, and I
think that's where themiscommunication is, because
maybe you went on like fivelunch outings with someone and
(08:48):
then now this person's like oh,we're dating, but in your head
you're like oh, we just grabbeda meal together, it was brunch.
Speaker 2 (08:55):
I think that's where it boils back to the whole.
I think, well, transparency oneand then perception.
But I think the perceptionwould stem from the transparency
in the sense of, like, I'mletting this person know up
front this is what this is andwhat they do with that
information is entirely at theirdiscretion.
(09:15):
But I at least know this iswhat this is and I can be okay
with, like the repercussionsthat may or may not come from
that.
Speaker 1 (09:25):
I think what happens is a lot of people on both sides
they'll put their toe in thewater and both people are like,
are afraid to just say tothemselves hey, we're dating or
hey, let's go on a date.
And so they both live in thisstate of lim with each other
yeah that nothing's actuallyever been established.
(09:47):
And then when one person's like,hey, this isn't working out,
you're like, oh, I thought we'redating, you know, like you're
breaking up with me, and but noone was ever brave enough to
actually state what their statuswas, because they felt like if
they did, they were going tolose the other person yeah,
that's exactly why I don't wantto do this dating thing, because
(10:10):
, at least me, I will be morethan happy to let this person
know.
Speaker 2 (10:15):
This is what this is, and what you choose to do with
that information is entirely atyour own discretion, and I will
have nothing but respect for youwith how you receive and
respond to said.
You know what I give you withthat it.
I feel like people are justscared, just truly afraid of one
(10:39):
abandonment.
People sometimes don't likeputting themselves out there and
not getting you know what theywhat they at least expect, which
would be like okay, I'm puttingmyself out there, I'm making an
effort to like court thisperson, but yet it's not good
enough and I feel like peopleneed to learn to kind of get out
(11:01):
of that and honestly throwthemselves in the fire, throw
themselves to the wolves,because you're not gonna get
what you want by being, bytiptoeing around things or being
timid.
Or you may get something andit's entirely not what you would
hope for, or it won't last long.
(11:21):
It's like, um, reheating pizzain a microwave.
In regards to like in a brickoven, yeah, it's.
It's gonna be two differentthings.
Yeah, one you'll have like inthe microwave.
Yes, it'll be like hot and youknow it'll taste good, but there
will be cold spots probably,you know.
Whereas, if you were to reheatit in an oven and it's getting a
(11:45):
thorough like cooking or baking, whatever sorts you want to
phrase it as like it'll be thatmuch more satisfactory for you
in the long run.
Yeah, so I don't know if I'mhungry, but I think that would
be.
I think that's a pretty good, Iguess, segue into how you would
(12:06):
perceive dating as far as like,do you want it to be for a good
time or a long time?
Speaker 1 (12:11):
Yeah, I think people are afraid.
Like you said, people areafraid, people are afraid to be
vulnerable, people are afraid ofrejection and people sometimes
are looking for different things.
And it's always good to be,like you said, transparent and
say what it is that you want,because this is the quickest way
to know if you guys arecompatible yeah if both people
(12:33):
like hey, I want a and you'relike I want b, boom, boom.
You know, you know it's, it'sreally.
Maybe you can work through it,but at least you both are aware
right and um, I think I remembersome people and this is this
was scary.
Scary thought for me was I had afriend that was engaged right,
(13:01):
and I always thought, okay, likethat's, that was just weird
that they were engaged like sofast and and that engagement
didn't work out.
And so that same friend, youknow, asked me to hang out with
them a few times in a differentkind of way, and I was like, oh
(13:24):
sure.
And he asked me different kindof way and I was like oh sure.
And he asked me for a ride onenight and I was like oh yeah,
cool.
And I thought it was veryinteresting that you know like
it was like, oh, the places thatthey wanted to go was to me in
a way like kind of romantic, butI was just like, oh, this is
something that my friend wantedto do.
(13:48):
You know, I didn't, you know, Ididn't think anything of it.
So, next thing, you know, um, Ihad a post on Facebook and the
post was a Bob Marley quote, andthe the quote was you know, if
she's worth it?
You know, like, what it takesfor someone to conquer your
(14:10):
heart, right and um, this entiretime.
Now, this is very interesting.
I guess she's saying that we'redating.
I was not aware that we weredating.
Whew, and so one, I don't postanything on social media about
(14:30):
my personal personal life, right, and so you know, I don't look
at other people's social mediaeither.
So you know, that's just my, mything, yeah, so the fact that
Her sister hits me up and hersister is like, hey, that post
on Facebook, is that your way oftelling my sister that she's
(14:53):
not worth it?
And I'm sitting there likedumbfounded, like what are you
talking about?
Like what do you mean thatshe's not worth it?
I said, I said it's a bobmarley quote.
I just thought it was a verycool quote.
It has nothing to do with myfeelings on anything or on
anyone, it's just a bob marleyquote.
(15:13):
And then, secondly, what isgoing on between me and your
sister?
Like, we've been friends foryears, like for years.
So we've been friends for years.
How is it, miraculously, myquote is now affecting her life?
Well, we've been friends foryears.
She was engaged to someone.
(15:34):
That engagement did not workout and as friends we got ice
cream.
We talked about her problems.
Not hey, I like you, you likeme.
It was that.
You know, so you know aftergoing through that, and then you
(15:57):
know like she gets engaged.
Speaker 2 (16:00):
Another person.
Speaker 1 (16:01):
Listen from that point.
Literally a month later shegets engaged again.
Speaker 2 (16:09):
Wow.
Speaker 1 (16:09):
From that point, like literally one month, and she
sends me a wedding invitation.
Okay, after the wedding hashappened.
Oh, wow, and I laughed Wow,okay, listen.
(16:32):
I found it to be extremelyinteresting though, because,
again, I was like well, I guessin America you could be dating
someone and just didn't knowthat you guys were dating she
was waiting.
Well, I guess in america youcould be hitting someone and
just didn't know you guys weredating.
She was waiting on the fifthdate to tell you she's like the
fifth date to tell me I guess,like you said, so like having
experiences like that, it's kindof it kind of scars you a
(16:53):
little bit, and I've had acouple of encounters like that.
Speaker 2 (16:55):
You know where I'm like oh yeah, I definitely
learned that some people do arefearful for what other people
will say, but sometimes withthat, that's literally that in
the sense of I won't, I don'twant to let them know I need
them for this, but I do knowthat we could do this and it
(17:18):
will provide some sort of reliefin this aspect for me, but to
them they wouldn't even knowthat as long as I don't
communicate that with them.
Like, for instance, I went on,I was in my mind I was pursuing
this person and she made it seemlike I was.
It was okay.
Come to find out I learned thatshe was having dealings with
(17:41):
somebody and I was.
The emotional aspect.
Yeah, so that's also how thereason why I don't really feel
like going into dating again,because I don't want to be the
emotional scapegoat for somebodythe emotional support person,
right, the, the emotionalsupportpegoat for somebody, the
emotional support person, right,the emotional support animal
(18:01):
for this person, especiallywithout my knowledge.
Had she had told me that upfront, like I said, I could have
.
What I decided to do with thatknowledge is at my discretion.
At least I know and she knowswe're all on the same page, yeah
, and I honestly would haverespected her a little bit more
(18:22):
up front if she told me that.
But me having to find out nowthe information I've learned, I
can't look at you the same, yeah, and with that now I have a
jaded, I can say I have a morejaded view on pursuing and
actually dating because of thatone instance.
(18:44):
And I think a lot of timespeople, the more they kind of
allow themselves to get in thosesituations, the more they're
less likely to kind of put alltheir cards on the table, kind
of put all their cards on thetable, which would be, it seems,
counterintuitive to what shouldhappen in the long run, being
that, okay, I've been hurt or Ihaven't been heard or I haven't
(19:07):
been seen.
Maybe I should put it on aplatform to where I can be heard
, I can be seen, but peoplechoose not to do that and that
puzzles me to this day.
Speaker 1 (19:18):
I remember, you know, dating-wise, when I was dating
I was probably one of the I hadlike a really bad experience
dating, which was you learn,like mentally, that every human
(19:38):
being matures at a completelydifferent rate, definitely, and
the things that we think we likenow are not the things that we
may like later, and sometimesit's not that the relationship
isn't right, it's just not rightright now.
It's like some people they needthat five year, ten year growth
and development and I thinkthen they'd be right for each
(20:00):
other.
Um, you know even dating andyou learn, like you know, about
maturity and someone will tellyou something like oh, if you
can't be with me, you can't bewith anyone else.
You know and, like you, learn,like, wow, it was like that took
a turn for the worse.
(20:20):
Yeah, um, I don't think thatpeople deal with that as much
today, but I think that people,what people do deal with is,
like you said, it'stransactional.
Speaker 2 (20:29):
Yes.
Speaker 1 (20:29):
So it's like I need you so long as you know, uh know
, uh, you serve a purpose in mylife.
Um, relationships do feel likethey're transactional,
especially as the outsiderlooking in on things.
I think people maybe like itcan be transactional in the
sense that one person providesemotional support and one person
(20:51):
provides financial support, butno one's being honest with each
other, and so they wake up oneday and, ultimately, maybe five
years have passed and they'relike, wow, what are we doing?
Yeah, yeah, you know what arewe they ask themselves like what
are?
we couldn't agree more you know,and I think that's scary to
realize for other people nowlike, yeah, you know, like you
(21:14):
see your friends, that youthought they were happy together
and like they've been togetherfor five years or however long,
and then they just like theyjust woke up one day and then
now they just hate each other.
It's like it just.
But the fact is it's not thatthey woke up one day, it's that
they kept pushing things backand pushing things back, not
addressing things.
So maybe 10 years passed andthey're like okay, we're not
(21:36):
right for each other who is thisperson next to?
Speaker 2 (21:38):
me exactly oh wait, I've never known them this
entire time exactly, and it's,it's, it's always.
Speaker 1 (21:44):
It always was like what you could do for me, not,
hey, um, I'm my whole self andyou're your whole person.
Let's come together and see howwe could make that one thing
definitely it's that we'rebroken people and we're not
going to show each other thatwe're both broken or the ways
that we're broken.
And then we're going to enterin pretending that we're whole
(22:08):
people and the pieces don't fitperfectly together.
But we're going to pretend likethey do until more and more
situations wear and tear thatrelationship down, until you're
like all right.
Speaker 2 (22:22):
Finally we hate each other, we hate you.
Now we can go now we can behonest.
Speaker 1 (22:27):
Now we can leave.
Now we can leave because we'regoing to be honest with each
other right now.
At the end of the relationshipthere was a, an older person,
that said to me years ago theysaid the end of a relationship
reveals to you what therelationship was all along.
I love that, yeah, becausethere's plenty of situations
(22:48):
where a person gets to the pointwhere the relationship was
great and they're like we'rejust better off as friends and
they continue to be friends, youknow, for years, yeah, and you
also have the other side ofthings where the relationship
(23:08):
was great and then at the end,everyone hates each other yeah
you know and either way it'sscary because I was like man the
relationship at the end,whether it's by death, divorce
or breakup, it reveals what therelationship was all along.
I was like man, that's profound,definitely.
Speaker 2 (23:27):
I've also learned that people perceive
vulnerability specifically asweakness, and I think it's the
exact opposite.
I think it takes a really strongindividual to be vulnerable
with themselves, with a stranger, with people that they've known
all their lives.
I think once people get out oftheir heads and realize that
(23:49):
there is strength in that andlearning that you can confide
not to a large degree but youcan say things that may not be
okay to the ears, in the senseof it's not peaches and rainbows
, and I feel like other peopleshould understand that it's not
(24:09):
peaches and rainbows.
It's not going to always be gooddays and I feel like with
relationships, people shouldlearn that you should probably
not want the good days, butappreciate the bad days just as
much as the good days, andunderstanding that there is some
work to be done and combatingthat together is definitely
(24:32):
something that people should tryto do more.
People should try to do morebecause I feel like there's
always when, when it, whenthings hit the fan, they people
tend to tend to kind of go totheir own um values, or what
they like feel is takesprecedence at that point in time
.
So, instead of necessarilycombating the problem as a unit.
(24:56):
Now it's like the north and thesouth and it's a whole civil
war kind of thing.
It's just like I have my valuesand I have my values and
instead of coming to like acommon ground, they're just
clashing, yeah, and whoevercomes out on top in the end is,
you know, the victor.
But at the end of the day, thething that really won was the
(25:16):
problem itself yeah and that'sjust.
It's slowly laying thefoundation or, if anything, it's
taking apart a foundation breakby break, until finally the
foundation just collapses onitself and boom.
That's when they get the whole.
They wake up one day and theylook at the person and they're
like I'm done, you know yeah,listen, the scariest part about
(25:46):
relationships.
Speaker 1 (25:48):
I think they are also the most beautiful parts.
Speaker 2 (25:51):
Definitely.
Speaker 1 (25:53):
Because even the worst arguments that you have
with someone, the argumentitself is bad, right, it's a bad
thing, but if you go through itand both parties are honest,
it's the best thing ever,because a true that it was a
truthful, you know revelationwhich also leads to a resolution
(26:14):
.
And then you look back andyou're like man, I can't believe
we argued about that.
That was dumb no, stupid and andlooking back can either be the
best thing that ever happened toyou or it could be the worst
thing that ever happened to you,and I think that the further
along I am in my relationship,the more I'm like man.
Remember, when we used to argueabout this, remember, you know,
(26:36):
like you remember, and it'slike each time we say that
that's an obstacle we overcamewith each other.
Right, and I don't think thatmost people today get to
experience that in dating, thatlike they overcome things
together.
It's like.
I guess I'll let this slide,yeah yeah I, you know, it's like
every, it's like everything yousay can and will be used
(26:59):
against you in the court of law,in the court of relationship
court exactly, and everyone'slike holding ammunition against
each other yeah.
Versus.
Hey, listen, this made me feelthis way.
Let's talk about it, let's growfrom it, let's move on from it.
But it's like, no, I'm going topile up like a nuclear
stockpile All the things you'vedone me wrong with and just
(27:21):
implode and just implode orexplode on you.
So you know how much you hurtme.
And it's like sometimes you'rearguing over over dishes or
something, and you're likeyou're not arguing over dishes,
you're arguing over the last 10years.
There's a hidden agenda here andit's just it's just a bunch of
unresolved things, yeah, thatpeople are just throwing at each
(27:43):
other.
So I don't know what it meansfor people to be dating each
other.
I don't think I.
I don't think that a lot ofpeople know what they mean when
they see they're dating or whatthey're looking for.
I think that human beings aresocial creatures and sometimes
they're just happy to be withsomeone and they do, but they
don't know what that means to bewith someone longterm.
Speaker 2 (28:06):
I can agree.
You're like what I think um.
Going back to what you saidabout um people being very
social creatures, I feel likenow there's so much dissonance
with actual communication withyour fellow human that it's
actually like altering people'sbrain chemistry.
This is just me.
(28:26):
I feel like people areliterally making themselves
worse by just not talking tosomebody and specifically just
talking to somebody random, youknow you.
you never know what's going onbehind closed doors, what
battles someone's fighting, youknow where they're at in life or
where they're trying to get to,but you know it does, at least
(28:48):
to me.
If I've had just a goodconversation with somebody I may
or may not know, it doessomething to me on a cellular
level.
I genuinely feel better and Ifeel like if people just learn
to just talk to someone or justtalk, just talk, simple as that,
I feel like there, there, therewould be a better way of
(29:09):
traversing through datingspecifically.
I think it'll segue into that,because I feel like just having
conversations, learning aboutanother person and understanding
them or seeing where their headspace is, that can matriculate
into the dating, like traversingthrough dating, and it'll just
be much more easier for people,for both parties.
(29:31):
Yeah, I, I truly think that Ifeel like people just need to
learn to talk to people insteadof being so stuck up and snobby
and just, you know to themselvesand recluse.
You know it's not good for you,it's not.
You literally can't be byyourself for long periods of
time.
It will literally mess you upfrom a psychological standpoint.
Speaker 1 (29:55):
It's like and I was thinking about this the other
day and I hit up one of myfriends and I was like man, even
professionally.
Now it's like people want amind reader yeah, instead of
just saying hey, I want this.
Tell me what you want.
Tell me what is exactly what itis that you want Versus you,
(30:21):
creating this perception like oh, I don't understand you.
Yeah, I can't understand you,unless you tell me I need to
create a baseline as to who youare as a person.
So if I can't understand you,you should ask yourself why
can't he understand me?
Maybe it's because you're notusing your words.
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (30:38):
Or not even that, and also tell me how you feel as
well.
I feel like people hold backall the time, for good and wrong
reasons, because they don'twant what they perceive the
other person will do inretaliation to what information
(30:59):
has been presented to them, andthat's not right.
I feel like you're doing them adisservice one because at the
end of the day, you may thinkyou know somebody, but until
they do something, you're not.
You'll never be 100% right, andI feel like people bank off of
that.
They're like oh, if I tell thisto them, I know they're going
(31:20):
to do this.
What if they do somethingdifferent?
And now, instead of traversingand addressing the problem, you
created a bigger problem younever know.
Speaker 1 (31:31):
Like listen, uncertainty isn't a bad thing.
Speaker 2 (31:35):
Yeah, certainty for some people creates fear yes but
uncertainty also createsopportunity I can agree with
that as well.
Yeah, and it all depends onwhat you make.
Speaker 1 (31:46):
You can either make it a fearful opportunity or you
can just make it an opportunity,an opportunity to grow and to
learn each other.
But again, you cannot notcommunicate and expect to be
understood.
You know, life is a very finitething and, as far as we know,
(32:10):
we don't get to do this over andover and over again.
So why not just be real witheach other, enjoy each other's
time and company, grow with eachother instead of oh, we'll just
see where things go, but nottalk to each other about where
we want to go?
Right?
It's like a car.
I think dating is like a car.
(32:30):
If you don't pay attention andbe intentional to where you're
staring unless you have a cashflow, of course, yeah, you're
going to go off the road.
You're going to crash intosomething, right?
So unless you're intentionalabout where you're going to go
off the road, you're going tocrash into something, right?
So unless you're intentionalabout where you're going with
your relationship, yourrelationship is going to crash
(32:50):
and burn, baby, you know that'sjust how it is.
So, yeah, yeah, man Now, thankyou again for taking the time to
be on the Magnificent Onespodcast.
Speaker 2 (33:02):
Thanks for having me.
Of course it's always apleasure.
Speaker 1 (33:05):
Thank you, my good sir.
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