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May 20, 2024 • 19 mins

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Parenting is the most complex dance of love and discipline, and we're here to help you sway gracefully to its rhythm. Join us as we open up about the emotional and mental presence that's essential in our children's lives, going beyond just meeting their material needs. Our candid conversation reveals the humbling truth that as parents, we grow alongside our little ones, learning that each child's journey requires its own map, tailor-made for their unique spirit. We're not just talking the talk; we're walking the walk, admitting our own parenting missteps and sharing the power of self-forgiveness. This episode is a heartfelt embrace for every parent who has felt the weight of financial pressures and wondered how to balance the checkbook of emotional investment in their children's future.

As we navigate the delicate terrain of raising individuals with diverse challenges, from dyslexia to autism, we underscore the profound impact of knowing your child beyond the surface level. Our discussion takes a deep dive into the nuances of a balanced parenting approach, where consistency and understanding trump fear in the discipline equation. We'll reflect on how our own childhood experiences shape the way we guide our children, and how self-reflection can turn our frustrations into teaching moments. With insights that resonate with every parent striving for emotional availability, this episode is a testament to the art of being truly present, ensuring our children's emotional development is enveloped in knowledge and love.

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Episode Transcript

Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Hello and welcome to the Magnificent Ones podcast.
Today's episode is aboutparenting.
What does it take to be a goodparent?
In this ever-changing world andits many complexities, we find
financial obligations andeconomic burden tend to take a
front seat Over parenting.
We barely have enough and so webarely do enough, and for those

(00:23):
of us who truly have enough, wesometimes forget to either be
mentally or physically present.
Let's dive in, take a breathand let's explore the journey we
call parenting.
I would like to start off bysaying you are not your parents,
your children aren't you.
For better or for worse, thingsthat work for your parents may

(00:46):
not work for your children.
Times have changed and we haveto adapt to the individual needs
of our children.
Your life and experience arenot benchmarks for your child's
existence.
We have to be honest withourselves.
We aren't experts, we don'tknow everything, and sometimes

(01:08):
we're going to mess up.
Let me repeat that one moretime.
Sometimes we're going to messup, and so it is important to
forgive ourselves when we domake mistakes.
We aren't perfect, the peoplewho raised us aren't perfect and
the people who raised themaren't perfect.

(01:28):
Forgive yourself.
We make mistakes, let's try notto repeat them and remember,
you are not your parents andyour children aren't you.
Parenting, to me, is a loftyendeavor.
It is the amalgamation of whatwas, what is and what will be.

(01:49):
It is work that defies logic.
It transcends reason.
It is labor that does notguarantee an outcome.
You can check all the boxes ofwhat it means to be doing things
right, only to find in the endthat you were wrong.
You can make many mistakesalong the way and think you
can't come back from themistakes that you've made as a

(02:10):
parent, and it all works out inthe end.
Imagine that Parenting revealsour true character.
It shows us the ugly truth,such as maybe we are our parents
, maybe we should have empathytowards our parents and say that
they weren't perfect and we arenot perfect either.

(02:33):
Sometimes our biggest fear isthat being our parent means that
we're not perfect, and there isno such thing as being perfect
when it comes to parenting.
We can't get it all right.
It doesn't work that way.
I know we'd like for it to workthat way, but unfortunately it
does not work that way.

(02:55):
We have to understand thatparenting isn't just what is
before us.
It is what came before us.
That impacts the right now thatwill then, later on, impacts
the future.
We have to also understand that, as parents, our parents didn't
have all the necessaryresources that we may think they

(03:16):
had.
Maybe they had the financialbox checked, but perhaps they
weren't taught how to properlyregulate and manage their
emotions.
There's a lot of people todaythat they make their benchmark
of what it means to be a goodparent based on how their parent

(03:37):
was, and your child is notgoing to have that same
experience because they're notyou.
So your definition of good andbad or right and wrong can't be
solely based on the people whoraised you, because the world is
much bigger than the peoplethat raise you, and each child

(03:57):
has their own individualidentity, and you have to love
them, you have to coach them andbring them up according to that
identity.
You can have four children allliving in the same household,
but they all have differentgifts, different talents,
different levels ofunderstanding and comprehending,

(04:19):
and so, even in situations likethat, just because you're in
the same household and you maybe from an affluent family,
there is no guarantee that thematerial is going to wash away
all the emotional needs thatthis person may be lacking.
It doesn't make up for it.

(04:39):
Sometimes, as parents, ourbiggest mistake is that we think
that providing simply is enough, when it is not.
I'm happy that I have thewherewithal to learn from others
.
But even if I am present,sometimes I'm not always patient

(05:00):
, sometimes I'm not alwaysunderstanding.
I have to constantly regulatemy thought process and optimize
to aim to be better.
I was listening to a statisticthe other day and I don't know
how truthful the statistic was,but it said the average American
parent spends about 32 minutesa day with their children.

(05:23):
It's the average.
Now I don't know what thestatistic was based on.
Was it based on people in thecity, people in rural areas?
I don't know.
But that made me think.
Just because you're theredoesn't mean you're engaging
with your children.
Just because you have a day offwith your children doesn't mean
that you're spending trulyquality time, and the definition

(05:43):
of quality time changes fromindividual to individual.
There's no standardized, youknow, metric to gauge whether or
not you're truly spendingquality time with your child or
what your child individual needsare.
So as far as that 32 minutenumber is concerned, I don't put

(06:06):
too much thought into it, but Iwill say that I don't think
that most parents are present asmuch as they think they are,
and I do believe that if aparent is not present,
emotionally or mentally, that isa form of abandonment.
Emotionally or mentally, thatis a form of abandonment.

(06:28):
And if you abandon your childemotionally, how are they going
to learn how to deal with othersaround them?
How are they going to learn howto be a good friend when they
don't know how to emotionally bethere for other people, when
they have not learned how toemotionally develop a sense of
care for others' emotions, whenyou have not been taught how to

(06:48):
regulate your own or have aproper example of what that even
looks like?
One of the things that I've beenthinking about as of late is we
get that we aren't going to getit right.
At least, I hope most peopleknow that they're not going to
get it right.
But what are you doing toensure that you come close to it

(07:10):
, to getting it right, to makingsure that you're present, to
making sure that you arebuilding your children up, make
or how much time you spend withyour children?

(07:30):
I don't think any of thosethings really truly matter.
I think that if you can give achild a sense of identity, a
sense of belonging and if youcan make them be confident in
themselves, that is a child thatgoes to the world feeling
secure.
That is a child that goes tothe world knowing who they are,
and I think that trumpseverything else.
A child that is confident,child that goes to the world
knowing who they are and I thinkthat trumps everything else A

(07:51):
child that is confident in whothey are will not engage in
toxic behavior.
A child that knows who they arewill not feel less than or have
an inferior complex.
I think that is the biggestthing you can do is invest in
the confidence and self-esteemof your child.
Again, we can't always get itright, but we can always give

(08:15):
praise when praise is due.
I believe that if your parentingstyle is you yell at your child
for doing something wrong, well, you better yell at your child
for doing things right.
You have to bring that sameenergy for both, because if
you're only yelling when thingsare wrong, then you're defeating

(08:36):
, you're being domineering,you're inviting fear into that
child's brain.
But if you are equally asbalanced, if you yell for bad
and you yell for good, I'm notsaying how people should parent,
but I'm saying that if you doyell for one, yell for the other
, because at least there'sbalance in that situation.

(08:58):
At least the child knows thathey, if I do something good I
will be praised, if I dosomething bad I will be scolded.
That can be rationalized.
It can't be rationalized ifit's oh my gosh, I messed up, I
forgot to do the dishes.
My parents are going to ream me.
Oh my gosh, I made straight A's.
I really worked my butt off toget straight A's but no praises.

(09:21):
Or, yeah, good job.
But if I were to mess up, Iwould get the entire
encyclopedia or almanac ofmess-ups and expletives.
We have to be consistent and wehave to be balanced.
We're not perfect, but we canbe consistent.

(09:43):
I think sometimes the reason weget frustrated with our children
is because we see ourselves.
We see the areas in which weare deficient and not
satisfactory.
Our children reveals who we are.
That's an ugly truth.
If you haven't faced thosethings and tried to correct

(10:05):
those things within yourself, ofcourse, when you see them in
your children, you double downbecause it's easier to react, to
be frustrated, to yell.
You know what their strugglesare because that's you and
seeing that mirror, knowing thatyou have those same issues as
that five-year-old or thatteenager issues?

(10:32):
Is that five-year-old or thatteenager?
That's?
That's?
Hey, that's a battle.
I'm not here to say how tofight that battle or how to deal
with that battle, but it is abattle and I can say that until
you face your demons, you willcontinue to be plagued with
issues with your children.
I'm not the standard of decidingwhat good parenting is, but I
think, generally speaking, wecan come together and say things

(10:57):
that we have decidedcollectively are bad parenting
techniques.
I mean, all we can do is do ourbest, but I'll say this if you
can look up things on YouTube onhow to invest, if you can look
up things on YouTube on how toinstall a radiator in your car,

(11:19):
then guess what?
You can also pick up your phoneand look up good parenting
hacks.
And, again, all those thingsmay not be what your child needs
, but it can help you becausethe more knowledge you have, you
can utilize it in differentways.
But if you have no knowledge,you can't pull from anything.

(11:41):
If you don't have the knowledgeor the experience in a certain
area, what are you going to pullfrom?
Just your emotions, and ouremotions aren't always the best
thing to deal with complexsituations.
Personally, I take a spiritualand scientific approach to
parenting and this works for meand I can't say that it'll work

(12:03):
for everyone else.
Spiritually, I follow thegolden rule If I wouldn't like
it done to me, I will not do itto someone else.
If something makes me feel acertain way or I know that the
implications of saying certainthings or doing certain things,
I don't do it because I wouldn'tlike it done to me.

(12:26):
And so if you wouldn't like itfor yourself, then your child
wouldn't like it either.
No one likes to be talked downto, no one likes to be yelled at
, no one likes to feel less thanso why would you subject your
child to those things?
And I say I take a scientificapproach as well.

(12:47):
How does your child respond toadvice?
How does your child respond towords of affirmation, words of
kindness?
You have to know the type ofchild that you have.
How does your child learn?
How does your child processinformation?
Unless you understand who theindividual is that is in front

(13:09):
of you.
Unless you understand who theindividual is that is in front
of you, then you can't evenbegin to cultivate, because you
have no knowledge of who you aredealing with Because, again,

(13:31):
your child is not you and youare not your parent.
That individual is their ownperson and you can love them and
you can care for them.
But, for example, if your childis dyslexic and you're forcing
your child to read but notacknowledging that your child is
dyslexic, you're torturing thatchild because you are not
acknowledging that they aredyslexic.
If your child is autistic andyou're wondering why your child
doesn't laugh at jokes, or well,your child is autistic.
You have to treat the childlike the individual person that

(13:57):
they are and speak to theirindividual needs and
circumstances.
Parenting is not aone-size-fits-all.
You can make it to everybirthday party, you can tell
your kids how much you love themevery single day.
You could be as present as youwant to be in their lives.
You can do all of those thingsand still not know the person in

(14:21):
front of you because you'retreating them like everyone else
as opposed to the individualthat they are.
To love me is to know me, andso to love your child is to know
your child, because if youdon't know the person that's in
front of you, truly know theperson that's in front of you,
then how can you say you lovethem.
If you're not emotionallyavailable, how many walls have

(14:43):
you put up in front of yourchildren to tell them that
you're not interested?
You have to set the tone.
There's an expression that Ireally like to hear.
It says that you have toinspect what you expect, and you
can interpret that howeveryou'd like to, but I love it.
I'm very fond of that saying.

(15:05):
There are times when we setthese lofty goals for our
children, the things we wantthem to accomplish, without even
asking did we give them thetools they needed to accomplish
that task or to reach that goal?
I would often say, when I wasyounger, whenever I didn't get

(15:28):
the tool that I need toaccomplish a task, I would say
hey, you gave me a spoon, youtold me to dig a grave.
You gave me a spoon, you toldme to dig a grave.
I would much rather use ashovel, and I've always been
sarcastic, and so that's one ofthe things that I would use.
I think that a lot of parentsdo the same thing.
Sometimes we give our childrenthe wrong tools to gut into the
world, and so they're notequipped to to life's challenges

(15:50):
.
Because I'm sure, yes, withtime, a spoon could dig six feet
.
That's a very long time.
If we gave them the shovel well, they could do it relatively
fast.
We have to set bars forourselves of where we'd like to
be as parents and we have tomeasure our personal progress.

(16:15):
We have to self-manage,self-regulate who we are as
parents and we have to createmetrics for us to work towards
so we know that we are holdingourselves accountable to being
good parents.
And until we are holdingourselves accountable, until we
are knowing that we're doing allthat we can, not just

(16:37):
financially but emotionally andspiritually, until you know,
beyond the shadow of a doubt,that you are doing all that you
can, you can't hold your childto a certain standard that you
don't hold yourself to becauseyou're the mirror, and if you're
a hypocrite your don't holdyourself to Because you're the
mirror, and if you're ahypocrite, your child won't

(16:59):
respect you.
There's a difference between achild being rebellious, because
we're all rebellious in some way, shape or form.
But if you're a hypocrite, thewhole saying of do as I say, not
as I do, well, you're going togo by what you see.
So you can't tell your kidsthat, hey, drinking is bad, but

(17:23):
you're getting smashed everysingle day.
You're not setting the example.
You have to be the best example, and that sometimes requires
sacrifice, and if it were easy,we'd all do it.
But the best thing about lifeis that if you're alive, you can
choose to do better.

(17:44):
Parenting is so much more thanjust finances.
Parenting is cultivating.
Parenting is grooming.
Parenting is cultivating.
Parenting is grooming.
Parenting is the death of yourego.
Parenting is the I love you's.

(18:05):
Parenting is I am sorry.
Parenting is it's okay.
Sometimes we don't have to giveour children a huge lecture.
Sometimes we need to just bequiet and have just a presence
and that's enough.
And sometimes we just need tosay hey, even though you messed

(18:25):
up, it's okay.
And even if we mess up, it'sokay.
We're on this journey of lifeto learn and evolve and adapt to
circumstances.
So be well and remember life isa journey.
You have to choose thatdestination.

(18:46):
And even if you choose thatdestination, it doesn't mean
that there aren't going to bebumps in the road.
Life throws curveballs, becauseit's life.
Life happens, mistake happens.
Sometimes we feel like we'renot good enough and sometimes,
when we think we're knocking outthe park, we're far from it.

(19:07):
But reevaluate.
Talk to your children.
If you don't talk to yourchildren, then someone else will
or the world will.
You have to be that example,you have to be present and you
have to show love and beselfless.
Thank you for joining theMagnificent Ones podcast.
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