Change Your Mindset Change Your Marriage

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What if you could transform your relationships and personal experiences simply by changing the way you perceive events? Join us as we dissect the intricate dynamics of storytelling and perception in personal interactions, revealing how our underlying beliefs can shape our narratives and perpetuate negative cycles. You'll discover how interpreting situations through a lens of victimhood can keep you trapped and how shifting your perspective can lead to more constructive and compassionate outcomes. 

In this episode, we tackle real-life scenarios, such as a spouse clearing out a bank account, to illustrate how our beliefs influence our feelings of victimization. We challenge you to question whether your perceptions are serving you and offer practical strategies for reframing these stories to foster a more empowering mindset. Through thoughtful analysis and actionable advice, we aim to guide you toward transforming your relationships and personal experiences by changing the way you view and react to them. Tune in for insights that could not only change your perspective but also enrich your life.

Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:00):
What I'm listening to .
I'll give you some secrets here.
What I'm listening to when I doa one-to-one or when you guys
are sharing your story, I amlistening to the story.
I'm not being rude.
It is important or it's notunimportant because it's your
experience.
But what I'm listening for isthe behavior that would have to
be believed for that story to betrue.
So, for example, it's like youknow, my wife did this, my wife

(00:25):
did that, my wife's done thatand she's made me unhappy
because it's like okay, well,what's the underlying behavior?
It's victimhood.
The story is not so importantas the fact that it's being
perceived through a lens ofvictimhood.
And as long as you're in aplace of victimhood, nothing is
going to get better.
So it's like we can address thestory and go okay, we'll say
this to your wife and do that,and blah, blah, blah and we can
resolve that situation.
But the reality is it was avictim mind that created that
situation and that victim mindis going to create another

(00:47):
situation.
So ideally it's like a lot oftimes it's.
It's not like when we doone-to-ones and stuff like that.
It's not necessarily a case oflike someone will bring a story
and I won't necessarily say dothis and this and this and this
in inside of that story to fixthe situation.
It's a case of could you changeyour perception of what's
happened?
Is it possible to change howyou've seen the situation to

(01:10):
where the situation is still thesame but you're perceiving it
in a different way?
Because, again, it's like whenyou change, your situation
changes.
If we address the story, it'snever ending, man, it's just
like well, that's going to turninto another story, another
story, another story, anotherstory, because you know it,
because you know.
It's like dogs bark or they dolike you stop a dog barking for
a second, it's like two secondslater it's going to bark again,

(01:31):
right, what we really need to dois like, when you're perceiving
a story or you're coming upwith a story in your mind, the
question is what would I have tobelieve for this story to be
true?
To be true, my wife cleared thebank account out, right, that's
the story.
My wife cleared the bankaccount out.
She went and she cleared thebank account out and you go.
Well, that's a fact, that'strue.
That's not a story, that's true.
It's like okay, well, what wouldyou have to believe for you to

(01:52):
be upset by that.
It's like you'd have to believethat you've been victimized,
that she's done something wrong.
Is it possible that this wasn'tabout you at all?
This had nothing to do with you.
This was simply about her needto feel safety and security.
That's where it can go wrong.
Right, because we look at ourwife and go she's behaved this
way because of these motivationsand then we interpret

(02:13):
motivation, but we'reinterpreting that motivation
through our own lens, becausewhat we do is we go.
If I'd have cleared the bankaccount out, this would have
been my motivation, therefore'sher motivation.
But that's not necessarily true.
So again, like I would at thatpoint, I would go okay.
Well, what would I have tobelieve to be upset by this?
Well, I'd have to believe thatI've been wronged or I've been

(02:34):
been victimized in some way.
Well, okay, is that?
Is that a healthy position tohave?
Is that a healthy position tohold or can we?
Can we move that into somethingthat's more healthy and go?
Well, I'm not going to play thevictim in this role.
I'm going to go.
She was just trying to get herneeds met and she did it in a
way that maybe she could havedone it better, or she did it in

(02:55):
a way that maybe wasn'twouldn't be how I would do it,
or I didn't particularly likehow she did it, but you know
it's not about me.
Actually did it, but you knowit's not about me.
So that that's the.
That's.
The danger with stories is wecan only see them through our
own perception, and then theproblem the second problem is we
then determine that they'retrue and then we act on that.
And they're almost certainlynot true.

(03:18):
We're almost certainly in error.
Yeah, that's why we always wantto go.
Okay, what is this situationtelling me about me?
Whether your wife has come atyou, or someone I've come at you
, or someone's come at you, orsituation has occurred,
situation is almost irrelevant.
It's like what we're talkingabout very early on in the call,
like arriving at that place ofunconditional happiness.
It's like if your happiness hasbeen disturbed, then I then

(03:39):
then that it's always a validquestion.
What is this situation teachingme about me?
It you know, if I go out andsomeone's very rude to me, if I
go, you know, out into thehallway, out here in the office
building, I mean, if someone'sreally really rude to me, I can
go, I can take offense at thatand then go well, that person's
wrong.
Or I can go.
Well, you know, right now I'mfeeling.
I'm feeling offended.

(04:00):
What is that telling me aboutme?
What am I learning about myself?
The thing that I would belearning about myself, or one
possible solution, is like I'mpretty easily thrown, I'm pretty
easily taken out of the game.
All it takes is somebody beingsaying something to me I don't
like and I'm in a foul mood.
And what that is teaching me isthat I need to work on my
temperance and self-control.
And now, all of a sudden, it'sabout me and I'm back in a place

(04:22):
of empowerment, to where I cango to work on myself, to where
you know the same thing willhappen next week, but it won't
bother me next week, I'll justgo by, it won't bother me.
Or I can go out there and I cancreate a grievance with that
person and say, hey, that waswrong, you shouldn't talk to me
like that.
Are they going to change?
No.
Are they going to do it againnext week?

(04:42):
Yes.
Am I going to be offended againnext week?
Yes, no, no benefit whatsoever.
The only valid question reallyis what is this teaching me
about me and how can I use thisto my advantage?