Marriage Rescue 911

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The moment your wife says she wants to leave is the moment most men make their biggest mistake – they try to change her mind instead of changing themselves. In this powerful coaching session, I take you deep into the psychology of what's really motivating your wife's decision and what will ultimately cause her to stay.

Your wife's behavior isn't random. She's responding to your behavior in predictable ways. When she tells you "you're too aggressive" or "I need more attention," she's handing you the blueprint to save your marriage, but most men are too busy defending themselves to see it. 

Through real conversations with men facing marital crisis, we uncover the fundamental truth that all communication serves just two purposes: to increase positive feelings or decrease negative ones. Understanding which category your wife's communication falls into gives you the power to respond effectively instead of reactively.

The most transformative insight from this session might be recognizing that your insecurities function as "earplugs" that prevent you from hearing what your wife is really asking for. Men's fear of appearing incompetent drives defensive reactions that push partners away rather than drawing them closer. By challenging these insecurities and asking "what else could this mean?" when your wife expresses dissatisfaction, you open the door to genuine connection.

This isn't about being "right" or "wrong" – it's about creating an environment where your wife feels safe, valued and understood. If you're ready to move beyond blame and into genuine transformation, this guidance will help you understand not just what's driving your wife away, but what will ultimately bring her back.

Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:00):
Hey, cody, here and I just finished up a coaching
call with our Fast TrackCoaching Clans and I want to
share that call with you.
I want to invite you into thatcall because I shared some
information in that call whichreally is very critical to
saving your marriage on what'smotivating your wife, why is she
wanting to leave right now andwhat is going to cause her to
want to stay.
And we did some hot seats andwe workshopped that and I think

(00:22):
this call will really reallyhelp you to understand what
needs to happen to save yourmarriage.
So join me on that call rightnow and I hope you get some
value from this.
I've got a few things I'vetalked about recently I want to
bring up again because I thinkthey're really, really important
and repetition is the mother ofskill at the end of the day.
But we'll give it just a fewminutes till till people come in
.
Um, anything you wanted to talkabout, andrew, nobody, nobody

(00:45):
has, nobody has any questions atthis point.

Speaker 2 (00:47):
So uh, well, I mean I ran a couple of situations this
week again and I was able to uhto kind of turn them around
really quick.
But uh, you know, it was asituation with uh, with a one of
my like my.
We have like four dogs andbecause my wife's like an animal

(01:08):
over and I'm yeah like one onedog is her, like her dad passed,
so we took, so we took this dogand they're like all big dogs
and uh, so like make tell them.
Make a long story short.
Like, uh, one, one of the oneof my dogs, like ago, got out
and like got into an altercationwith a German Shepherd and I

(01:31):
had to like fight my dog off ofthis dog to like so it wouldn't
get injured because I have likea pit bull and after that
altercation nothing happenedrecently.
And after that altercationnothing happened recently.
And this is like two or threeyears later where, like a
younger dog got out and you knowI went to go see what was going

(01:56):
on outside and you know, Iheard like someone screaming get
your dog, get your dog.
So then I ran back to itthrough the house Because I was
gonna go to a different.

Speaker 1 (02:08):
You know like it was like some let's get to a
question and you let's get to aQuestion, brother.
It's like we don't.
We don't need the wholebackground.

Speaker 2 (02:14):
Yeah, so pretty much basically what what happened was
my wife said that I wasstarting yet aggressive and the
aggression was pretty much.
My wife said that I wasstarting to get aggressive and
uh, the aggression was prettymuch, uh, because she can't like
, she came at me aggressivelyand then I just said like two or

(02:36):
three words about trying to getthis dog and uh, and like I got
accused of being aggressive,which which I didn't say
anything about it, I just keptquiet.
But uh, the thing is like I gotaccused of being aggressive,
which I didn't say anythingabout it, I just kept quiet.
But the thing is like it seemedlike she came at me
aggressively and I got blamedfor it, you know, and I kind of

(02:58):
just shut it down and apologizedfor it.
But that's what it seemed like.

Speaker 1 (03:04):
Sure, sure, awesome.
Apologize for it, but that'swhat it seemed like.
Sure, sure, awesome.
So again, like this is a goodsituation, right, because like
perception is reality, itdoesn't.
This is where your man, yourman logic brain is trying to go
well.
That's not what happened.
This is what happened, and heremotional brain is going well.
That's not how I interpret it.
This is how I feel it.
So at the end, at the end ofthe day, we've got to look at,

(03:24):
like what outcome do you want?
Do you want to be right or doyou want some harmony here?
You know, and if she's, ifshe's telling you you're coming
across as being aggressive, youcan dispute that all of you or
you want, and even if you're notbeing aggressive, it doesn't
matter because she's putting itas aggression, right?

Speaker 2 (03:40):
Yeah.

Speaker 1 (03:41):
Yeah, and you know like don't get me wrong Like
it's easy to understand what I'msaying, it's like you're always
wrong.
You know, like it's easy tointerpret what I'm saying as
that, but it's like it's notthat what I'm saying is.
In a world where perception isreality, everyone's always wrong

(04:04):
, like your wife has seen it oneway, which is her reality, and
you've seen it your way, whichis your reality, and unless one
of you can bend on that, likeit's going to be conflictual,
right yeah so I mean, theeasiest thing to do is like
she's telling you, I interpretthis behavior as aggression,
andrew.

(04:25):
And instead of addressing thatand going, okay, well, let me
just change my behavior, it getsthrown back at her and goes and
you go well, I interpret yourbehavior as aggression.
It's like, well, where's thisgoing to end?
The ending is very predictable.
It's very predictable.
It's like it's going to end inhostility for both of you.

(04:47):
You know it's like if you go,cody, you're an asshole and I go
, no, you're an asshole, andrew,and I go, no, you're an asshole
.
And it's like we just go back,where does it end?
Where does it stop?
You know, if you go, cody,you're an asshole and I go well,
okay, that's.
I didn't mean for that to comeacross that way.

(05:09):
Help me understand why I'mcoming across as an asshole, so
I can change that behavior inthe future, so we can have a
harmonious relationship that'sgoing to get a different result
to.
If you go, cody, you're anasshole, I'll go no, you're an
asshole.
At some point someone's got tostep up right.
At some point someone's got tostep up and at some point
someone's got to step up andlead and it's like, right now
you're following her lead, she,she's, she's, she's decided that

(05:32):
you know she's going to go withthis.
Tit for tat, let's say ofyou're aggressive, no, you're
aggressive, or someone at somepoint has got to step up and
lead you both out of this messyeah, I didn't, I didn't, I
didn't.

Speaker 2 (05:45):
Well, actually, when she said that I didn't, I didn't
, I didn't say she was, I didn'ttell her she was aggressive, I
just kind of just kept quiet.
Then I apologized and I neverbrought it up, you know, and I
explained what your question?

Speaker 1 (05:58):
angie has not been.
Why does she think I'm beingaggressive and how do I change
that?
That's not your question.
Yeah, your question isn'tsolution orientated.
Your question, like you haven'treally asked a question.
I mean really, like you know Idon't mean to be rude, but you

(06:22):
basically come on and said I'vegot my feelings hurt, it's
what's happened, and it's likewell, you know that sucks.
You know we had an eight-hourdrive with three kids in the
back of a car yesterday, like itwasn't.
It's never nice, right?
My wife said some stuff to me,I said some stuff to her.
It's like feelings get hurt,it's like.
But at the end of the day, thequestion is the better question

(06:55):
or a?

Speaker 2 (06:55):
question would be my wife is interpreting my behavior
as aggressive, which let mejust you know.
Do you think?

Speaker 1 (06:57):
that's positive or negative for your relationship.
Well, it's like what is goingon in my behavior that she's
interpreting as aggressive.
And how do I change that?
Because, until you know, it'slike that that's the only thing.

(07:31):
Each and every one of you onthis call is in a behavioral
problem situation like the onlyway any situation in your life
whether it's your marriage withyour kids, with with anything
it's like for your situation tochange, your behavior has to
change, like, if I get speedingtickets every week and I give
Justin a call or Rob a call andsay I keep getting speeding

(07:54):
tickets, how do I talk thesecops out of?
Stop giving me speeding tickets?
It's like well, cody, yourbehavior is that you speed.
You have to stop speeding.
The only way you're going tostop getting speeding tickets,
cody, is if you change your back.
Well, I don't want to change mybehavior.
I want the cops to stop givingme tickets.
They're hurting my feelings.
Every time they pull me over,they hurt my feelings.
It's like the only way myreality is going to change is if

(08:19):
I change my behavior.
Change my behavior, and wetalked about it last week.
Attraction is behaviorally based, right, like.
People are attracted to peopleor repulsed by people based on
their behavior.
If you act very aggressivelytowards me, is that going to

(08:39):
attract me towards you or repelme from you, assuming I'm a
normal person that doesn't likeviolence me from you, assuming
I'm a normal person that doesn'tdoesn't like violence?
If you behave aggressivelytowards me, andrew, like it's
going to repel me yeah, no, I, Iknow, I know that I know and it
doesn't matter if that you'rebehaving aggressively because

(09:01):
you mean to or you're notbehaving aggressively at all.
It's like if I'm interpreting itas aggression, what's that
going to do to this relationship?
It's going to damage therelationship.
What your behavior is isirrelevant.
How your behavior is beingperceived.
Is everything perceived aseverything?

(09:30):
You know there's a lot of timeswhere you know I've behaved
aggressively, I've been, I'vebeen talked down.
You know people say you knowyou're getting aggressive, cody,
and it's like when you start tolose remember, emotion compels
behavior that's intellectuallydetached from consequences.
And it's like like, if you're,if you're getting emotional,
like people will say to me youneed to calm down Cody.

(09:52):
And I'm like no, you know howmany times have we all done it.
You need to calm down Cody, I'mcalm, you need to calm down,
I'm calm, I'm again.
It's like if attraction is isbehaviorally based, it's like
men go, well, you know, let'sjust move it to a different area

(10:15):
.
Completely right, people go, mywife's not, you know, intimate
with me.
Well, you're not behaving in away that's sexually attractive
to her, as simple as that.
You're not behaving in a waythat's sexually attractive to
her.
If you behave in a way that'ssexually attractive, then she
will become sexually attractedto you In the same way.

(10:36):
These laws are inescapable.
It's like if you behaveaggressively towards me, how am
I going to?
You know?
If you behave in a caring andloving way towards me, how am I
going to respond?
If you act indifferentlytowards me, how am I going to
respond?
It's like is anybody, isanybody, confused?
How to any any of those?
What as to any of what any ofthose responses are going to be?

(10:58):
You know, and it's like youknow, and it's like nine, like
all the time, ten times out often, a hundred times out of a
hundred.
It's like I know how you'rebehaving in the relationship
based on the response that yourwife is giving.
You know, and we talked aboutit a few weeks ago.

(11:22):
Um, I can bring it up actuallybecause I haven, because I
didn't bring up a chart lastweek and I feel like I cheated
some people.
So let me just pull the chartup quickly Because you know
we've got a couple of new peopleon this call worth looking at,
so let me share my screen.
Here we go, share.

(11:49):
Here we go, share.
There we go All right.
So we talked about this before.
All communication is positivebecause it's only trying to
achieve two outcomes and it'seither looking to accentuate a
positive feeling or thecommunication or action is
looking to minimize a negativefeeling.
Now, if your wife says to youlike again, this is not a

(12:13):
personal thing at all, like we,you know, it's just a good
example, andrew, because youbrought it up.
If your wife says to you well,let's assume this is true, right
, all communication is positive.
Like, if your wife says to youyou're behaving aggressively
right now, is she trying toaccentuate a positive feeling or
is she trying to minimize anegative feeling in that
situation?
Minimize a negative feeling?

(12:34):
She has a negative feeling thatshe's trying to minimize at
this point and you're not evenrecognizing that, let alone
minimizing it.
Right, in fact, probably theopposite.
Like she, she's communicated tominimize a negative feeling and
the result of thatcommunication to minimize that
negative feeling has probablyaccentuated the negative feeling

(12:56):
so some windows.

Speaker 4 (13:01):
So so what?

Speaker 1 (13:02):
we've.
What we've taught her in thissituation is when I try to
communicate with you, andrew, tominimize negative feelings in
the relationship, all it does iscreate more negative feelings.
So then, what is the onlyoption left to minimize those
negative feelings is nocommunication at all.

(13:22):
It's zero communication.
That's the only option left.
You know.
So, like when our wives arecommunicating with us and it
seems like a personal attack,ask yourself is she trying to
accentuate a negative feelinghere, or is she trying to

(13:44):
accentuate a positive feelinghere, or is she trying to
minimize a negative feeling?
And if she's saying you'rebehaving aggressively right now,
it's like she, she's trying tominimize a negative feeling, so
she's obviously in a negativestate, what?
What's your role as a leader?
What's your leadership role inthis place?
Is it to, is it to double downon that negative feeling, or is
it to help her out of that?
Yeah, help her out of that.

(14:06):
So if she, if she's saying, youknow, I'm feeling like this is
aggressive right now, it's likethe way that we build rapport
with our wives, the way that weopen up communication, the way
that we build emotional safety,is it's we recognize that she's
trying to minimize a negativefeeling, and how do we assist

(14:27):
her in that?
How do we assist her in that?

Speaker 2 (14:35):
I guess I gotta calm down and uh, calm down situation
and uh, you know, speed be,don't get all like uh crazy
about it.
Like in a, you know, talk likein a regular voice, you know
it's the car.

Speaker 1 (14:54):
Yeah, exactly, exactly she's.
She.
She's saying I'm in a verynegative place right now and I
need some help getting out ofthis place, and you just go.
Well, no, you're not in anegative place, you're wrong.
And that's where, like, thenshe goes.
Well, I tried to communicatewhen I was feeling bad.
I tried to communicate toalleviate that negative feeling

(15:15):
and all that happened was I gotmore of the same emotion I was
trying to get out of, you know,and it's like that.
That's where we've got tounderstand.
Like it's not.
And look, you're completely.
I get it, man, like from yourlogical man brain.
It's like you've done nothingwrong.
You weren't being aggressive.

(15:36):
You simply told her you weren'tbeing aggressive, but like and
that and that's fine, but it's,that's fine if you want to get
divorced, it's the same here.
Looking at where we're at rightnow.
Even, why did you speak uptoday, angie?
Because you have a negativefeeling and you're trying to

(15:56):
minimize it.
That's why you're talking to me.
You're looking for my help tominimize your negative emotions
around this and you're lookingto get over on, minimize your
negative emotions around this,and you're looking to get over
on this side of the diagram,right, you're looking for some
way to get out of the negativeemotion you have around this
experience and move over to apositive feeling, which is

(16:19):
exactly.
You guys want the same thing.
You just don't understand howto get there.
You guys want the same thing.
You just don't understand howto get there.
You know, and, and it's likeyou've got to ask yourself what

(16:42):
is she doing right now?
What is she doing right now?
What is she trying tocommunicate to me?
And it's like it's simple, likelet's just break this down to
the most simple thing she'seither trying to communicate,
trying to increase a positivefeeling, or minimize a negative
feeling.
It's like we get guys, come onhere too, right, like hopefully
someone will jump on and they'llgo I've got a win to share.
Cody did this, did that.
Things are going great.
It's like well, what are theytrying to do?

(17:03):
Why are they communicating?
They're trying to double downon the positive feeling they
have from their win.
There is no other reason tocommunicate.
There's no other reason tocommunicate.
You know, it's like anythingelse you can come up with,

(17:25):
andrew, is just noise when itcomes to communication.
You know, one of the things wesay, right, there's only two.
You know the two reasons yourwife wanted to be with you.
She loved how you made her feeland she saw that a future with
you was better than a futurewithout you.
Or to put it another way, youaccentuated her positive

(17:45):
feelings.
She saw that a future with youwas better than a future without
you.
Or to put it another way, youaccentuated her positive
feelings.
That's why she wanted to bewith you.
You accentuated her positivefeelings, you know, and it's
like.
This is why you know.

(18:07):
When men go well, I'm just goingto remind her of the good times
, this and that, okay, well,given the choice of accentuating
.
You know, when men go, well,I'm just going to remind her of
the good times, this and that,okay, well, given the choice of
accentuated, you know, if youhave the choice of accentuating
a positive feeling or minimizinga negative feeling, are you
going to avoid pain or are yougoing to pursue pleasure?
Given the choice, it's a binarychoice pleasure or pain.
Given a binary choice, you know, if you put in, if you're
putting a situation where I haveto choose pleasure or I have to
choose pain, pain is asignificantly stronger motivator

(18:29):
.
Significantly strongermotivator, you know.
It's like if I say you know,could you, could you use a
hundred thousand dollars?
Would a hundred thousanddollars be helpful?
Sure, what would you do with$100,000?
All kinds of stuff?
Okay, well, I'm going to takeyou out back and I'm going to

(18:49):
break your arm for that $100,000.
Let me break your arm and I'llgive you $100,000.
You're going to do it?
Or will you forego all of thepleasure that the $100,000 would
buy you in order to avoid thepain of a broken arm?
You'll forsake almosteverything to avoid pain, almost

(19:12):
everything.
And this is why, showing herpictures of trips from the past
and painting a picture, itdoesn't matter, as long as the
pain is still present, itdoesn't matter.
You know, what about $500,000?
Will you let me break your armfor $500,000?
It's like, well, what about amillion?

(19:32):
It's like no, no, no and no, itdoesn't matter how much
pleasure you show me, cody, I'mnot letting you break my arm,
arm, yeah, and this is whatwe've got to understand, right,
like?

(19:53):
And you know, until we minimizethis, there's no point in
talking about this.
Until we, until we understandthat, like, she's not doing
anything positive, until thepain is eliminated and that goes
for all of us, right, like, thereason your wife wants to leave
, because there's more pain instaying than there is in going.
That's it, justin.

(20:18):
Did you want to jump in,brother?
I see you had your hand up.

Speaker 3 (20:22):
Yeah, it was just around.
You know that aspect of tryingto convince our wife she's wrong
.
We do it subconsciously.
So for me, I brought it back tothe employer.
Um mentality like if my bossputs me on a performance plan,
the the idea is, my questionshould be and most of the time
would be for most people is whatdo I need to do to get off this

(20:44):
?
Not what do I need to do toconvince them that they're wrong
?
And it's very much for me.
It's a lot easier to see inthat dynamic when you take the
relationship emotion out of itand then go well, my wife's
putting me on a performance plan.
I need to behave my way out ofthis, not knuckle down on
convincing her that she's wrong.

(21:05):
Exactly right man.

Speaker 1 (21:06):
You're taken into your employer's office and they
say you're on notice, we're nothappy with your behaviour, and
you go.
Well, you're wrong.
There's nothing wrong with mybehaviour.

Speaker 3 (21:13):
Yeah.

Speaker 1 (21:14):
Good luck, good luck, like there's no universe where
that ends up well for you.
You know and at the end of theday it's like I've said this
before what we're talking abouthere for the most part is
battlefield medicine.
We're not here to make youcomfortable, we're not here to
ease the pain, we're here tosave your life.

(21:35):
If you come off, a bomb goesoff and your leg's blown off and
you're on the battlefield andyou're bleeding out, we don't go
.
Someone go get him a pillow.
You know someone, someone goget him a slushy and a chocolate
.
Make the man comfortable.
It's like, you know, it's likeyou got to tie the leg off.

(21:57):
And you know, I know, I know alot of the question in a lot of
people's mind is well, whatabout my wife?
Well, that comes at a laterpoint.
It's like until until youconvince your wife that there's
any hope of those negativefeelings being removed from the
relationship, she's not.
You know you can't.

(22:17):
If your wife is leaving her,you're leaving you.
You can't go to her and say youneed to change your behavior.
She's leaving you.
It's like let's have a littlereality check about what's going
on here.
Right, she's leaving youbecause your behavior is
unacceptable in the marriage andto go to her and say, well, if

(22:38):
I'm going to stay in thismarriage, you need to change
your behavior.
It's like the first thing thatwe have to do if we're going to
save the marriage is you have tochange your behavior,
irrespective of how your wife isbehaving, because she's not
going to negotiate with youuntil that happens.
She's just not going tonegotiate.
And then once your behaviorchanges to a level to where

(23:07):
she's willing to againparticipate in the conversation,
that's when we can look at herbehavior.
That's when we can start toaddress her behavior.
But you know, many of us are inthe situation where it's like
you're beyond your last chance,right, you're beyond your last

(23:29):
chance.
That was down the road, thatwas back there somewhere.
So to say, well, we need tolook at your behavior.
In this situation, you're justgonna expedite your removal to
the door and it's simple, like Imean, in any situation, there's

(23:54):
only a handful of things thatreally make a difference, and
this is one of them.
Like we've talked about foodbefore, right, like I've said it
a few times, just as, as anexample, if someone's struggling
with their diet, if they'restruggling with their health,
and all the diets are confusing.
If it's in a box, don't eat it.
Right?
If it comes in a box, don't eatit.

(24:15):
That's going to solve 80 ofyour problems, you know, is it
conclusive?
Is it everything?
No, but if it comes in a box,do not eat it.
It's probably bad for you that.
That that's the 80 20 of diet,right?
If it's in a box, don't eat it.
And this is the 80 20 ofcommunication.
It's like we can get into love,languages and this I mean.
We can go down a whole numberof rabbit holes, but it's like

(24:39):
the 80 20 of communicationreally is going to be.
It's going to be in this.
It's going to be she.
Any communication is designedto accentuate the positive or
eliminate the negative.
And if you can identify that,if you can identify which
category she is communicating toyou from you, either double

(25:00):
down or eliminate, from you,either double down or eliminate.
You know it's like.
Use this call as an example.
I mean it's lower attendedtoday, I think, probably because
of the time zone and stuff, butit's like If everybody stopped
attending the calls, it'sprobably because it's either

(25:21):
creating negative feelings inpeople or it's not producing
positive feelings.
The solution is not to add morecalls.
If these calls dwindle down toone or two people because I'm
creating negative feelings inpeople, or these calls are
creating negative feelings inpeople, the solution is to go.
Well, why are people droppingoff?
Why are people not attendingthe calls anymore?

(25:42):
Obviously, it's creatingnegative feelings.
It's creating negative emotions.
What are we doing?
What are we communicating?
That's doing that.
Let's address that.
The solution is not to go.
Well, the calls have droppedoff to two or three men per call
.
Let's double down on the numberof calls.
That'll solve the problem.
It will accentuate the problemand it's like that's what we do

(26:11):
as men.
Right, we go.
My wives are wanting less andless communication with me.
How do I communicate more withthem?
My wife won't talk to me.
How do I get her to talk to me?
It's like saying, well, noone's showing up to these calls.
Rob, we should just put on morecalls.
It's like it's insanity, itmakes no sense.

(26:31):
But that's what we do, you know, and it's like it's probably
one of the most common questionsI get right, well, my wife
won't talk to me.
How do I communicate X, y and Z?
It's like, well, we've missed astep.
Well, how do I get my wife tocommunicate?
We've missed a step.
It's like, well, what is goingon that stopped her wanting to
communicate?
Let's figure that out first.

(26:54):
And it's really, it's verysimple, man.
Our communication is creatingnegative emotions.
It's creating negative emotions, you know.

(27:16):
I mean, until that is addressed, she's not going to talk to you
in any capacity, not as themother of your children, not as
your wife, not as your ex, notin any.
She's going to avoid.
You know, and we see it like,the more painful the
communication is, the less shewants to communicate.
Some of you your wife won'teven send you text messages to

(27:44):
communicate.
Some of you, your wife won'teven send you text messages.
You know, I've seen it.
Like you know, people go.
My wife sent me this textmessage and I sent her this text
message back and it's, like youknow, war and peace.
I mean, it's literally like14,000 words.
I'm like Jesus Christ, man, I'mlike what are you doing?
And there's, you know, there'sno even stuff as simple as it's.
Like you know, people send,send me messages and I'm like,

(28:06):
do you understand?
Do you know what a paragraphbreak is Like?
Break it up.
I'm like you just get like thesebloody mountains of text with
no power, with no punctuation,no paragraph breaks, and it's
painful, it's hard to read andit's like even something as
simple as that.
It's like, if you want me toread your text, make it easy for
me to read.
If you want me to read youremail, make it easy for me to

(28:30):
read.
If it's hard for me to read it,I'm just going to skim it or
not read it.
You know, and I see that allthe time men communicate with me
and it's like even with andrew,to some extent, like in the
beginning it was like, hey,andrew, let's get to the point,
bro, like we got a lot of peopleon this call, like let's just
get to the point.
It's like if it's hard tolisten to, the communication is

(28:54):
going to stop.
If it's painful, thecommunication is going to stop.
And if it's stopped we canreverse, engineer that and go.
It's because it's painful andthe solution to that is is step.
You know, the next questioneveryone asks is like well, how
do I change it?

(29:14):
How do I change it?
For one you got to, you got toask the question why, why is my
communication painful?
You know people go.
Well, my wife, you know, again.
Let's move it off to anothersubject.
People go my wife doesn't wantto be intimate with me.
What do I do?
Well, you've missed a step.

(29:35):
The question is why does she notwant to be intimate with you?
Why does she not want to beintimate with you?
You know, and I tell people, itpisses people off and it winds
people off because, like, menhave got egos.
But it's like.
You know, if your wife doesn'twant to be intimate with you,
it's because you're not good atintimacy.
You're not very good at it.

(29:55):
And it's like I don't meanyou're not very good at the
motion on the ocean, I meanyou're not very good at the
whole experience.
Like, if she doesn't want to beintimate with you, it's because
the whole experience of thatintimacy is not a positive
experience for her.
And I'm not just talking aboutthe physicality of it, I'm

(30:16):
talking about the emotionalexperience leading up to it, or
the whole.
And people go well, that's nottrue, cody.
I'm like so there aresituations in your life are
there where all of your needsare being met and then you
decide not to engage in that.
You know why did you stopshowing up to this?
Call Justin, because you weremeeting all of my needs, cody,

(30:39):
because you were so good Ididn't feel like I needed to
anymore.
It's like if your wife doesn'twant to engage in intimacy, it's
because it's not a pleasantexperience for her, and that's
really, really hard to hear asmen, but it's like that's the
solution.

(31:00):
The solution lies in that andif we go, well, okay, my wife
doesn't want to be intimate withme because it's not a pleasant
experience.
For what part of it's notpleasant?
You know it might not benecessarily the people go.
You know my wife she's this,you know.
You know she quivers like aflag up a flagpole.
You don't, you can't tell meit's not good.
She loves.
It's like that's not what I'mtalking about.
I'm talking about the wholeemotional.

(31:22):
Does she feel used at the endof it?
Does she feel like you've justtaken advantage of it?
Does she feel like this is allthe relationship is about?
Does she feel like you, shemeans nothing to you other than
sex?
Like I'm not talking about thephysical side of it.
Like if she doesn't want to beintimate, it's because the whole
intimate experience is not apleasant one for her.
Again, we, it's positive andnegative.

(31:43):
Because she's using intimacy inthe same.
Intimacy is a is a form ofcommunication.
Right, and if she doesn't wantto be intimate, it's because
she's either trying toaccentuate a positive experience
or she's trying to eliminate anegative one.
And if she's going with I don'twant to be intimate she's

(32:04):
trying to eliminate a negativefeeling by not having the
intimacy.
She knows it's going to causeher a problem, but that's less
of a problem, you know, and thereason most of us cannot fix our
marriage is because we're justnot prepared to look at the
problem.
We're just not prepared to lookat the problem.
We're just not prepared to lookat what's actually wrong with
the marriage and we're notprepared to address it.

(32:27):
Yeah, I mean, I remember me andmy wife.
We were having a lot ofproblems.
You know, this was probably adecade ago.
I remember one specific evening.
She's like do you want to goout for dinner?
I'm like no.

(32:47):
She's like, why not?
I'm like I can just sit here insilence and look at my phone
without spending $200.
It's not necessary.
We can just sit here and beawkward.
We don't need to go to arestaurant and spend $200 to
stare at our phones and beawkward.
We can do it here for free.
But you know, if we look at it,why do I not want to go out to

(33:14):
dinner that night?
Because I'm trying to eliminatea negative feeling.
Sitting in a restaurant, havingnothing to talk about, staring
at a phone and then getting abig bill at the end of it is a
negative experience, right, andI can avoid that a negative
experience by staying at home.
Yeah, how many of us can relateto that sitting in a restaurant

(33:35):
staring at your phone, goingthis is awkward, this sucks well
, yeah, I'm in a hurry to dothat again, aren't I?
Who's in a hurry to repeat thatexperience?

Speaker 2 (33:51):
and uh, cody had a question.
Yeah, let's say things aregoing good between you and your
wife I mean my wife and I right,when?
When do I bring up the intimacything, like, how do I start
talking?
Like, when do I start talkingabout it?
It's like right now we're in asituation where, uh, we're just
pretty much co-parenting and uh,you know, you know things are

(34:14):
improving.
But uh, last time I brought itup it was, you know, it was like
it caused even more of aproblem and kind of push things
back a little bit.

Speaker 1 (34:24):
So I mean sure, sure.
So it's like, let's use thiscall again.
If people, if it's like, saywell, you know, everyone on this
call has stopped showing up,when do I bring up with them the
fact that their attendance isshit like the if people?
If people stop showing up tothis call, if there's one reason

(34:44):
and one reason because thenthey're getting nothing out of
it.
There's nothing out of it andit's like they're getting
nothing out of it.
And is that my problem or isthat your problem?
My fault or is that your fault?
That's my fault.
If you're getting nothing, likeI.
I know what each and every oneof you want from me.

(35:05):
You, I know that.
I know what outcome you'relooking for from me.
I know what you need from me.
So if you're not getting thatfrom me, is that your fault or
my fault?
And it's like if everyone stopsshowing up to these calls, the

(35:25):
question would be why is nobodygetting anything out of these
calls anymore?
What do I need to do?
It's like it's not going to you, andrew, and saying what's the
issue with your attendance.
It's looking at it and going.
He's not showing up becausehe's clearly getting nothing out
of it.
So what do I need to do?
What do I need to do?

(35:46):
It's not a conversation betweenme and you, necessarily, so it's
the same there.
It's not like this is not aconversation that you have with
your wife.
It's like your wife'swithdrawing from conversation.
Your wife is withdrawing frominteraction, so it's not like.
The question is why is shegetting nothing out or negative,

(36:10):
you know, even worse negativeout of this interaction?
Why is she getting nothing outof this conversation?
Why is she getting nothing outof this intimacy?
And it's like I say you know, Ijust hear the silliest things
that are just not thoughtthrough at intimacy.
And it's like I say I just hearthe silliest things that are
just not thought through at all.
People do not withdraw fromsituations where their needs are

(36:31):
getting met.
If your wife is withdrawingfrom intimacy, it's because her
needs are not getting metthrough that intimacy.
And is that her fault or yourfault?
If you withdraw from thesephone calls, from these Zoom
calls, it's because your needsare not getting met on these
calls.
They're no longer serving apurpose to you.

(36:53):
Is that my fault or your fault?
It's my fault, it's my faultand I've got to.
This is why I like self theonly way I can solve that
problem is look at myself and gohow can I become a better
communicator?
How can I communicate?
How can I meet their needsbetter?
How can I understand the needs?
Better the solution the betterI become, the more attended

(37:20):
these calls become, right, youknow, and there are some people
that are not on these callsbecause I waffle, right?
That's one of the things that Ido that I need to work on in my
communication style.
It's like I waffle and there'llbe some people.
They are just, I'll just watchthe replay because I can double
speed it and fast forward forhis waffling, okay, okay, so if

(37:41):
I want better attendance, isthat something I need to work on
, or do you just need to getmore tolerant of my waffling?
The better I become, the more Irecognize my own faults and my
own flaws, and the more I workon my own flaws, the better the
attendance becomes.
And in the marriage conceptit's exactly the same the more

(38:05):
you work on your floors, themore you work on your faults,
the better the attendancebecomes, which is your wife's
attendance.
At this point, there's no way Ican improve the attendance of
these calls without improvingmyself.
Way I can improve theattendance of these calls

(38:26):
without improving myself.
It's silliness to think that.
Or, you know, it's like I justhold you over a barrel, right?
It's like you know, I stoppedsending out replays.
If you want to get thisinformation, you have to join
these calls.
It's like I could blackmail youor I could hold you over a
barrel, but that's not a win-win.
That's not the way to build arelationship.
The only way to truly improvethis community, the only way to

(38:51):
truly improve the relationshipsthat we have, the only way to
truly improve attendance, is forme to get better.
You know and let's extend thatout Like to get better as an
organization.
It's not just me.
It's why I have conversationswith Rob, it's why I have
conversations with Justin, forthe only way, the only way to

(39:13):
improve overall satisfactionbetween clients and better
marriage is for us, as anorganization, to get better.
We have to communicate betterwith our clients.
We have to get better ascoaches, consistently with our
clients.
You know, the only way therelationship between better
marriage and clients improves iswe have to get better.
We can't go to you and say youneed to get better as clients.

(39:36):
You're all dumb and you're notlearning fast enough.
We can't put the blame on youand go.
We're teaching flawlessly.
You've just you've all.
You all have just got learningdisabilities.
Like that doesn't work.
That that there's a in anysituation.

(39:58):
There's only one way to improveit and that's when I improve
and that's when you improve.
You know, and that's where,like you know, just taking it
back to the beginning of thecall, like just just as an
example for everybody, it's likeif you give the situation this,
you know.
Brief overview of the situation, this is what know.
Brief overview of the situation.

(40:19):
This is what I said.
This is how the wife responded.
She, she pursued, she, sheinterpreted my behavior as
aggressive.
How do I get better coding?
How do I make sure that doesn'thappen again?
That's a question that's movingyou in the right, right
direction.
That's you know versus like no,you know versus like no.

(40:42):
You know, attendance is down onthese calls, rob.
Attendance is down on thesecalls, justin.
How do we force these men intothese conversations with us?
How do we force men onto thecourt?
It's like it.
It doesn't work.
Does that make sense?
Does anyone want to jump in andshare?
Anybody got any questions onthat?

Speaker 5 (41:13):
I've got a question, Cody.

Speaker 1 (41:16):
Is that?

Speaker 5 (41:16):
okay, if I jump in, it's fine.

Speaker 1 (41:20):
Are you trying to accentuate pleasure or avoid
pain?

Speaker 5 (41:26):
Both actually All right.
I was down the river yesterday.
Girls have been a bit of anissue, not for a long time, but
my wife still has triggers overit.
You know, girls coming up inbikini, um t-string bikinis and
stuff.
Down the river I make a habitof just turn, turn, turn it away

(41:49):
, look the other way, and mywife said to me yesterday that
she's getting upset.
That that's, um, quite, youknow, evident that I'm purposely
not looking but in I'm notturning my attention to her.
In the situation I was a bit Idon't know what to do.

(42:11):
So what do I do in thatsituation?

Speaker 1 (42:14):
Yep, so look, there's a Bible phrase, man, that says
if your hand offends, you cut itoff, or it's better that you go
.
You go into heaven with one handthan you go into hell with two
you know, and you can say, likewe can, we can talk about right
or wrong and all that stuff here, but it's like if this is

(42:34):
offending your wife, cut it off.
It's like if going down theriver, like if going down the
river was going to cause me tohave major issues with my wife,
I'd stop going down the river.

Speaker 5 (42:48):
I said I didn't want to go to the river yesterday
because I had a feeling, and youknow she pushed for me to come
down the river with the familyand I accepted that.
That's what she said.
I get a little bit frustratedthat you know I do the right
thing, I feel like I'm doing theright thing, but she feels like

(43:10):
I'm just not giving her theattention instead.

Speaker 1 (43:16):
Well, what's she telling you?
She wants Greg Attention.
So what's the solution?

Speaker 5 (43:22):
Give her the attention.

Speaker 1 (43:24):
I mean, it's like we need to hire you as a coach, bro
, because you got this down.

Speaker 5 (43:32):
Just not in practice.

Speaker 1 (43:34):
And you say, well, I'm giving her attention.
Like she wants more attentionthan she's getting.
It's like this is the thing,right.
Like how many times do we geton these calls?
And it's like my wife's tellingme that I'm controlling cody,
what do I do?
Stop being controlling?
My wife's telling me that shewants more attention, cody.
What do I do?
Give her more attention?
My wife's telling me that I'mbeing aggressive, cody.
What do I do?
Stop being aggressive?
It's like.

(43:56):
It's like our wives are tellingus what they need and it's like,
instead of listening to it andhearing it, you go well, I am
giving you attention.
It's like you're giving herthis amount of attention, but
she's telling you that's notenough, she needs more.
You know it's like you say,well, I'm not being aggressive.

(44:16):
Well, she's interpreting it asis.
So is that?
Can we tone it down just alittle bit in the name of peace
and harmony?
Can we tone it down just alittle bit more?
You know my wife says I'mcontrolling all the time.
Okay, well, you know, can maybewe let go of some of that
control, instead of saying, well, no, I have.
You know, it's like, can westop arguing with it?
It's like like our wives aretelling us exactly what they

(44:40):
need for this marriage to beharmonious and we're just not
listening.
We're just not listening.
We're just not listening.
You know it's like you know,and I know you love your wife,

(45:01):
greg, because I've talked to youon the phone, man, we've had
conversations.
It's not like you're dickingand you don't care.
I know you love your wife, butit's like she's not feeling that
and it's like you can sit thereand go well, I love, I know you
love her, but it's like if shedoesn't feel it, what does it
matter?
she's telling you this is what Ineed from you, greg, to feel
this is what I need from you,Greg to feel loved.

(45:22):
This is what I need to feelloved.

Speaker 5 (45:26):
No, I'm definitely doing something wrong with my
communication style.

Speaker 1 (45:33):
And it's a quid pro quo situation, man.
It's like you know we want sex,right.
And it's like, well, when, whenthe woman is telling us what we
want, what she wants to feelloved, and we're not even
acknowledging it, let aloneproviding it, how is that an
arse lick of difference to youtelling her that you want sex to
feel appreciated in therelationship and her not

(45:55):
responding to it?
It's exactly the same.
It's like when she goes well, Ineed you to be less aggressive,
andrew, and you don't.
How is that different to sayingI need more sex and she doesn't
give it?
It's exactly the same.
If she goes, I need moreattention from you, greg, and
you don't give it.
That's no different to yousaying I want more sex and her

(46:17):
not giving it.
It's like both of you aretelling the other what is
necessary for the relationshipto feel good and neither one of
you are meeting thoserequirements so it's up to me to
meet the requirements first, ofcourse who's leading?
who's leading this thing, you orher?

Speaker 5 (46:35):
yeah, well, I, I tried to feel like it was me,
but I don't know at the moment,I don't know how it is.

Speaker 1 (46:47):
I mean she's told you like I mean this is not
complicated.
I mean she's told you, I don'tfeel like I'm getting enough
attention from you, greg, that'swhat she's told you, right.

Speaker 5 (46:58):
Yeah, straight up.
Would you also refrain fromgoing to the river for a while
Of?

Speaker 1 (47:04):
course, unless she has to, of course.

Speaker 5 (47:06):
But what if she's there going?
Come on, come to the river,come to the river.

Speaker 1 (47:10):
Should I then?

Speaker 5 (47:11):
express that it's a dangerous situation.

Speaker 1 (47:14):
As Donald Trump would say what if a bomb falls on
your head right now, greg?

Speaker 5 (47:17):
Well, I'd be fucked.

Speaker 1 (47:21):
What happens if bloody Russia launches a nuke
Australia, what then?
Like, if some butts were candyand nuts, it'd be Christmas
every day.
She's telling you I need moreattention from you, greg, and
you're like, yeah, but whatabout this?

Speaker 5 (47:35):
You're doing everything but addressing the
issue.
Just go to the river and giveher the attention.

Speaker 4 (47:40):
Give her the issue.
So just go to the river andgive her the attention.

Speaker 1 (47:42):
Give her the attention.
I mean, look, I need moreattention, greg, how could she
put that in more simple terms?
How could she simplify thatlanguage the way you understand
it?
Like, simplify that for me.

Speaker 5 (47:58):
Give her attention.

Speaker 1 (48:00):
She's given it to you in the simplest way possible.
Two-year-old could understandthat, right, three-year-old
could understand that.
And I'm not being rude likeshe's given it to you in the
simplest language possible.
If you can't understand thatand you can't act upon that,
what hope has she got?
She can't simplify this anymore.

Speaker 4 (48:16):
Yeah if she said, yeah, go on, rob, sorry cody,
great, sorry greg.
I mean I think you'refrightened.
You're what you're frightenedof, you're what you're leading,
you're frightened.
She gets, says go down theriver.
You go to the river, you knowwhat's going to happen and then
you got the opportunity to lookher in the eye as if you just

(48:36):
love her like you wouldn'tbelieve, and you haven't got the
guts to do it to me.
She's saying to me prove you,love me and you're going.
Well, I'm not going to look atthe girls, but I'm going to look
away, rather than not look atthe girls, and look at her like
you're more important than theyare.
That's what she's looking for.
I'm sorry, that's that's what Ithink that you know.
Look at her like let's baby, Iwant to be with you, not look

(49:00):
away from the other girls.
Look at her like she's the mostimportant person in the world.
I mean, you missed anincredible opportunity.
I'd be going to the river everybloody day so I could look at
her every time.
You had to look away from thegirls.
That's just how I feel.
You know, it's not about theriver.

Speaker 1 (49:20):
It's not about the river.
It's not about the river.
Greg, you're not paying herenough attention.
Yeah, the river's just just had.
The river's just her reason.
That's her excuse for talkingabout it right right now you
know very very rarely we'll jumpto you in a second shane, I see
, brother.
Um, very rarely.
Is what's been brought up?
The issue at hand, right?

(49:40):
I mean I said it before.
Like I had a big blow up withmy mother-in-law a few years ago
at christmas and like ruinedchristmas for everybody,
spectacularly, and my wife goes.
Well, what did I want to knowwhat?
What she said, and I'm like I'mnot telling you because you're
going to go.
That's pathetic.
I'm like I wasn't responding towhat she said in that moment.
I was responding to 10 years ofyou know history.
You like it's the same.

(50:02):
Like she goes to the river andsays the issues the river is not
the issue, right, the girls atthe river are not the issue.
Like there's a bigger issuehere.
The river is just what'sreminding her of it in the
moment.
Yeah, and it's like, at the endof the day, man, it's like and
again, not not being rude, butit's like this is why women

(50:23):
leave.
It's like she's she's gonnaneed more attention.
It's like she can't say it anysimpler.
And if you can't respond tothat, then what?
Where else can she go?
Like there's nowhere else forher.
It's why you know if she wasgiving you very, very
complicated instructions, butshe's not.
Yeah, it's like if I say, greg,like if we're going to work

(50:47):
together, I need you to show upto our phone calls at the
scheduled time.
That's as simple as it gets.
And if you don't show up tothose phone calls, it's like
well, I can't work with you.
I don't know how to make thatany simpler.
You that I don't know how tomake that any simpler.
It's like you know, and that'swhere many of us have wound up.
It's like andrew, I need you tobe less aggressive.
It's like how can she make thatsimpler?

(51:08):
Or, you know, I need you to beless controlling.
Or I need you to be moreattentive, or I need this.
It's like how can that be madeany simpler?
How can it be made any clearer?
And it's like if, when, when,what is needed is the request is
made in the simplest formpossible and it's still not
responded to.
Where has she got left to go?

(51:29):
Divorce court is the answerwell, I think we're about this
close to that.

Speaker 5 (51:39):
Well, it's because you're not listening to her,
Greg.

Speaker 1 (51:42):
You're that close?
You're not close at all.
You could turn it around Likeshe's telling you because she
cares, bro, if she didn't careshe'd be looking at the dudes or
she wouldn't be inviting you tothe river.
You're not close to the divorceat all.
I, I mean, you're only as closeas you want to be.

(52:03):
If you want, like it's.
This is very simple man like.
If you want to turn this aroundthis week, show us some
attention.

Speaker 5 (52:10):
She's telling you what you need to do I'll write
that down, just because I'm sofucking stupid.

Speaker 1 (52:19):
You're not stupid, greg.
It's like we're men, it's whywe're here, you know.
It's like they all tell us man,they all tell us what they need
.
Like this is why it's like whenwe go men go, it's such a
surprise, I never saw it coming.
It's like oh, she gave me nowarning.

(52:44):
She gave you nothing, butwarning, she gave you nothing I
definitely can't say it would bea surprise.

Speaker 5 (52:52):
I'm still faithful that this program and what
you're teaching is just going tostart with the simple things
like give her some attention andcommunicate better.

Speaker 1 (53:03):
Yeah, all right, so so that's all make her feel good
about it, like right now, greg.
What she's saying essentiallyis you're not, you're not making
me feel good about myself.
That's what she's saying I want.
I want you to make me feel goodabout myself.
That's what she's saying.
I want you to make me feel goodabout myself.
You don't make me feelbeautiful, you don't make me

(53:26):
feel special, and if you'reunable to make me feel special,
greg, I'll find someone who can.
That's what she's saying.
If you're unable to make mefeel special, I'll find someone
who can.
So make her feel special.

Speaker 5 (53:43):
That's it I'll do that.
I'll do that shane this week.
This week she's gonna feelspecial and I'll come back next
week and let you know thank youthanks, thanks, greg, that I
gotta laugh.

Speaker 6 (53:57):
I, that was great.
I, I know for me, cody,personally, when I look back and
I'm journaling and I'm lookingback and I'm going, man, it's
like the things you say, it'slike so, so obvious when you say
it.
But then I have to ask myselfwell, why in the moment, was it
not so simple for me?
And Greg, I don't know if thisis true for you or for Andrew-
for anybody.

(54:17):
And I don't know a better way ofsaying it my insecurities were
the earplugs to me, hearing theobvious.
And so as I remove theinsecurities from my life, it's
like I start to see that.
And so then it's like if mywife says something and it's
like it's not me, it's herinterpretation or she has a
feeling, and I just, instead ofattacking her feeling, slow down

(54:40):
, listen, respond, you know,make it safe for her.
And I go, oh man, why it's soeasy, why didn't I do it in the
moment?
And it's just because of my, myinsecurity.
And so when I remove myinsecurities and focus on that,
I start to see that the outcomesof those conversations are
completely different, and Iactually don't even have to work
on anything other than thatMost of the time.

(55:02):
I just remove the insecurityand then I feel safe for myself
and then I can make her feelsafe, because then I don't feel
attacked.
And so I just know, over thelast six to 12 months, the more
I just focus on removinginsecurities, digging into those
layers of my past, my childhood, my life, instead of focusing
on her and digging into herlayers of her childhood and her

(55:22):
past.
Because when I was doing thatand focus on, like you said.
It's like, well, no, you'reaggressive.
Well, no, you're aggressive.
It's like, well, here we are.
You know, I just dropped mydaughter off at my wife's
apartment and now I'm going tobe without my daughter for seven
days.
Like that's the outcome that itleads to when I didn't focus on
addressing and attacking my owninsecurities.
And so maybe, greg, maybe foryou as well.

(55:44):
It's like if my wife said to meright now in my current
existence hey, let's go to theriver.
I'm like flying to the river,jumping into my underwear, I
don't even care if I don't havea swimsuit.
But six months ago I would haveoveranalyzed everything.
I would have been so insecure,I would have you know and I
would have analysis, paralysismyself out of having an awesome

(56:05):
day with my wife.
So at least that's what I'mstarting to as I unpack my own
life and do the work.
I'm starting to see that a lotthat that's spot on.

Speaker 1 (56:16):
Look, let let.
Well, what do we got left?
We got three minutes, so I'mgoing to try and finish on time.
This is important, though.
The number one fear that we allhave as men is to be found out
to be incompetent.
It's incompetency, that's thenumber one fear that we have as
men, and it's like, when yourwife is not wanting to have sex,

(56:39):
you, it's like, instead ofaddressing the issue and saying,
well, we're not meeting herneeds, around, that it's like
that that provokes the thoughtof incompetent or the feeling of
incompetency within us.
Right, and it's like, as men,we're doing the same thing.
We're trying to accentuatepositive feelings or eliminate
negative feelings.
And if I say, well, the reasonyour wife doesn't want to be
intimate with you is becauseyou're not meeting her needs in
that area, the way to eliminatethe negative feeling around that

(57:02):
is just to dismiss it.
Just to dismiss it, because ifyou, if you accept that and you
acknowledge that and go, well,actually that's true or that
potentially is true, then youare head to head with feelings
of incompetency, you're head tohead with it and your ego is
going to go.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no.
You just tell cody he's anasshole and he doesn't know what

(57:24):
he's talking about.
You are amazing in the bedroomand and all of these things,
right, it's when you know.
No one's brought it up today.
But it's like finance, likearound the financial thing,
right, like when these issuescome.
But it's like around thefinancial thing, right, like
when these issues come up.
It's like the man willtypically choose, you know,

(57:45):
going to work or the businessside of things will move towards
workaholism, because that's howhe measures his competency.
For a man to fail financiallyis significantly more
incompetent for the man to failin the marriage, fail
financially is significantlymore incompetent.
For the man to fail in themarriage, you know, a man can go
to another man who's failed inhis marriage and the two men
will just go.
Oh women, who gets a man?

(58:06):
She's just a bitch, just moveon, it's no big deal.
And it's like you're a hero.
You can fail in your marriageand you're a hero.
You fail in your business andyou lose all your money and go
to another man and see how youfeel.
How you feel.
It's.
The greatest fear that we allhave as men is incompetency.

(58:27):
We fear being found out.
We fear being incompetentourselves and we fear being
found out as incompetent morethan anything else, and we will
go to any length to avoid thefeelings of incompetency or
being found out as incompetence,even to destroy our marriage,
even to destroy our marriage.
You know, you go to men and youget a man saying my wife says

(58:51):
she just wants more time with me, she doesn't care about the
business, she wants more timewith me.
Yeah, he spends more time inthe business.
Why?
Because he will sacrifice hismarriage to avoid the time in
the business.
Why?
Because he will sacrifice hismarriage to avoid the failure in
the business.
Because the failure in thebusiness indicates incompetency
and it's an ego trap.
It's an ego trap, you know, andI would say a man that is

(59:17):
demonstrating a lack of resultsin a certain area of life.
Competency to me would be toacknowledge that lack of results
and seek the solution.
It wouldn't be to double downon the behavior.
You know, and a lot of timesit's like it's.
I've got to be very carefulwith the communication right,

(59:37):
because I want to attack the,not the competency of the man
just talking about the issue andit's very easy.
Like I could attack Greg'scompetency here, I could attack
Andrew's competency here andit's like your competency is not
an issue, it's like I want to.
The issue is what needs to beattacked.
The behavior is what needs tobe attacked, not the competency.

(01:00:04):
And a lot of times, as men, wefeel like it's our competency
being attacked.
No greater example than drivingright.
Who likes a woman in thepassenger seat saying, hey,
maybe you should turn around,maybe you should turn the
sat-nav on, maybe you shouldstop and get some directions?
Like, is she giving that advicebecause she's trying to be
helpful or is she giving thatadvice because she hates you?
She's giving that advicebecause she's trying to help the

(01:00:25):
situation.
But as men, that becomes anattack of our competency, and
anybody who attacks ourcompetency we attack, because
that is one thing we will nottolerate as men.
We will not tolerate ourcompetency being attacked.
You know and what you're saying, shane, is absolutely right A

(01:00:47):
lot of these problems are not.
It's not that you can't solvethe problems.
It's like just put your egodown, just stop interpreting it
as an attack of my competencyand start looking at.
You know, my wife's trying tohelp me here.
She's telling me that she needsmore.
She's trying to help me.
My wife's telling me that Ineed to be less aggressive.

(01:01:08):
She's trying to help therelationship.

Speaker 6 (01:01:12):
Yeah, cody.
One thing I've found is it'salmost irrelevant to try to
solve the problem If I, if Idon't, like my foundational
issue has nothing to do with myspouse, my daughter, my
employees, whatever, and so it'sa.
It's like step zero before Ican even get to step one is
attack the insecurity, and if Idon't attack the insecurity,
there's zero chance of me beingable to effectively solve the

(01:01:35):
problem long term.
And so it's like now I just Ijust go okay, I'm calm, work on
myself, pause, step away.
And that's where, for me, Ithink having that separation has
been super helpful, because nowI can start to like mature.
It's like I was a child in somany ways, and so I'm just
defensive, I'm, and there's noway I'm going to hear anything.

(01:01:56):
My earplugs go in, I don't hearanything.
I can't hear that my wife isdeeply struggling in an area or,
you know, screaming forsomething that she needs in her
own life.
I'm completely oblivious tothat.
I'm just going through.
I feel attacked.
I feel attacked.
It's like I'm in the foxhole,getting shot at, and there's
zero chance of me doing havingany improvement at that point.

(01:02:17):
And so I just think that that'sbeen the biggest blessing for me
in my life is just attackingthat insecurity name it claim it
, put it out there and then andnow it starts to go away.
It's like when you bring it inthe light it just all of a
sudden starts to dry up and die.
But when we're we're so, we'reso good at hiding it through,
well, I just don't get it.
I'm so confused it's like, no,we're not, we just don't want to
address the fact that deep down, we have an insecurity that

(01:02:39):
we're, we're, we're too insecureto attack.
At least for me, that's justbeen my experience and look, I
mean we can bring it up.

Speaker 1 (01:02:47):
I mean I'm not picking on the people on the
call today.
They're just the same problemsall the time.
My wife's too controlling.
My wife thinks I'm tooaggressive.
My wife thinks I don't give herenough attention.
My wife says this.
My wife says that it's likethere's only five or six
problems.
We hear right, you know.
But but if we, if we boil itall down, every share, every hot
seat is the same.
It's like I'm being attacked.
I'm being attacked by every hot, every hot seat, every share is

(01:03:11):
the same.
I'm being attacked and it'slike well, again, it's what
you're saying is right, is isright, shames like.
I don't want to go off onanother sermon here because I
was.
My goal was to keep this timelytoday, but it's like it's the
tfar cycle thoughts, feelings,action, results.
If your thought is is I'm beingattacked, what feeling is that
going to produce?
It's going to produce, you know, negative feeling.
If you, if you're, if you thinkmy competency is being attacked

(01:03:35):
, that's going to, that's goingto produce a very defensive
feeling which is going toproduce very negative results.
You know.
That's why you know thenegative interpretation and the
escalation is such an importantthing, right?
It's like the TFAR cyclethoughts, feelings, actions,
results and negativeinterpretation and escalation.

(01:03:56):
They just fit together like ahand in glove.
And escalation, they just fittogether like a hand and glove.
You know, like, if you know, ifyou go, my wife is accusing me
of this and it's like it's anaccusation and attack.
Well, that, where do you gowith that?
You're going to go into attackmode, right, you're going to go
into defense mode, whatever it'slike if, if your wife says

(01:04:16):
something and you go, she's,she's trying to help this
relationship, she's trying tohelp this situation.
That's going to take yousomewhere else and and you know,
it's like again, 80, 20 man.
Simple, simple things like one.
One of the most powerful, betterresults come from asking better

(01:04:38):
questions, right, and the bestquestion you can ask is what
else could this mean?
One of the most powerful,better results come from asking
better questions, right, and thebest question you can ask is
what else could this mean?
What else could this mean?
My wife's telling me that I'mnot paying her enough attention.
Well, what else could this mean?
My wife's telling me I'm beingaggressive.
What else could this mean?
My wife's telling me that I'mcontrolling.
What else could this mean Otherthan I'm being attacked, my

(01:05:00):
competency I'm controlling.
What else could this mean Otherthan I'm being attacked, my
competency is being challenged.
What else could this mean?
And come up with an empoweringmeaning.
Because, like, once you come upwith an empowering meaning,
that's the thought part of theTFAR cycle thoughts, feelings,
actions, results.
It's like if you come up withan empowering thought, it'll
come up with an empoweredfeeling and nothing's going to

(01:05:25):
change.
But it's like, you know, shanesaid it perfectly and we'll wrap
it up here shane said itperfectly, right?
It kind of ties this all nicelytogether until you address your
own insecurities, until youaddress your own fears, until
you address your own ego, howcan the situation get better?
It's not like it can't.
You cannot work on thesituation.

(01:05:45):
You can only work on yourself.
And when you work on, you knowwhen, when you change yourself,
that how the world responds toyou changes.
It's like how would your's like?
How would your life be different?
How would your marriage bedifferent if you never felt
attacked?
How would your marriage bedifferent if you never felt

(01:06:10):
criticized within your marriage?
Would it be different?
I would hypothesize that if wehad a complete and total
inability to feel criticismwithin the marriage, it would be
vastly different.
Most of the problems within themarriage come from an

(01:06:31):
interpretation of I'm beingcriticized that produces an
escalation and a hostileresponse.
Right, a hostile situation.
An escalation and a hostileresponse.
Right, a hostile situation.
How would your marriage bedifferent if you could not feel
criticized?
It was impossible for you, butthat's your choice.
I mean, criticism comes down tointerpretation.

(01:06:53):
That's all it is.
And it's like Shane says,that's not got anything to do
with your wife, that's got to dowith your past experiences.
You know, all of us werepunished as children for being
who we are at some point.
Like we tried to expressourselves and we were told to
shut up.
We tried to express ourselvesand we were told to sit down.

(01:07:16):
All of us were and we were toldto sit down.
All of us were and we learnedfrom you know that was.
You know, as a three-year-old,as a seven-year-old, you have no
power to overcome that.
When you try to expressyourself as a seven-year-old and
you're told to sit down andshut up, children should be seen
and not heard or whatever.

(01:07:36):
It's like you're criticized.
It's like you just form at avery young age, like all input
is criticism, like you'recriticized.
It's like you just form at avery young age like all input is
criticism or you know somethingvery negative like that and
like until that's dealt withinside of yourself that there's
no way forward.

Speaker 4 (01:07:52):
You know you got two choices.

Speaker 1 (01:07:55):
My wife.
My wife has to stop criticizingme or I can, or I can stop
interpreting her communicationas criticism, which is more
likely that your wife's justgoing to completely conform, but
like she's expressing herselfand you're causing the same
injury that was inflicted on you.
When she expresses herself, youtell her to sit down, shut up

(01:08:16):
and be quiet.
You tell her to sit down, shutup and be quiet.
Versus, go and express yourselfin any way you see fit, because
I'm strong enough.
I'm strong enough If that's howyou want to express yourself.
I'm a strong enough man to takethat.
I'm strong enough in my mind tofind a positive interpretation.

(01:08:40):
I'm a strong enough man to moveforward positively with that.
And even if it's genuinecriticism, I'm going to ask the
question is it constructive andcan I benefit from it?
You know it's like.
This is fundamentally thequestion people ask, right, nine
out of ten people who show upat this program or have problems

(01:09:02):
with their wife.
The question they ask is howcan I change my wife?
The answer is you can't.
The solution is how can Ichange myself to where her
behavior is completely cool withme, completely cool with me?
All right, guys, I I'm gonnawrap it up there, because I'm in

(01:09:26):
danger.
I'm in danger of going off on acompletely complete tangent
here and I don't want to do that.
So I'm gonna I'm gonna pull theplug up before I do that.
So what are we at?
Only 11 minutes over.
I tried to keep it short lastweek and I went, I think, 28
minutes over.
I'm down to 11 minutes thisweek, so this is called progress
, boys thanks guys all rightguys thanks guys bless you all

(01:09:52):
thanks guys.