May 23, 2024 • 24 mins
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As you all know, we have been on a long journey of repairing old wounds and building the marriage we have dreamed of. But the question today is, once you have found your way back to marital happiness, how do you keep it there?
Today we are sharing with you three ways we protect our marriage from the things that hurt it in the past.
It takes guts to tackle the tough stuff in a relationship, and this episode is a tribute to those brave souls who do. We share a heartwarming story of a listener whose marriage found new life through the art of conversation, sparked by our very own podcast. We dissect what quality time really means — hint: it's more than just being in the same room. And for those who think couple's trips are off the table, we're here to tell you why they're non-negotiable for keeping the spark alive.
And, we're sending out a massive thank you to all our listeners for joining us on this journey. Your stories, insights, and heartfelt engagement are what make this podcast a community. So don't be shy – drop us a review and share your own experiences. Each episode is a new chapter in the book of love and marriage, and we can't wait to bring you along for the next page-turner where we'll continue to offer our unfiltered take on intimacy and marriage.
Grab your set of the Married and Naked Date Night Questions For Couples card deck HERE
Find us on social:
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Facebook @MarriedAndNaked
Pinterest @marriednnaked
TikTok @marriedandnaked
Email marriednnaked@gmail.com
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Welcome to the Married and Naked podcast.
I'm Tammy, founder of the blogMarried and Naked, certified
sexuality coach and speaker.
Speaker 2 (00:07):
And I'm Joel, tv host , motivational speaker and the
guinea pig to the lessons you'reabout to learn.
Speaker 1 (00:13):
We're high school sweethearts, married over two
decades, and we're on a missionto help you create the marriage
you desire and deserve.
Let's get naked.
Welcome in to the Married andNaked podcast.
Everybody Happy to be here withyou today.
How is everybody doing?
How are you, Joel?
Speaker 2 (00:31):
I'm doing good, sweetheart.
I'm enjoying the brand.
This is the first time we'veactually recorded a podcast in
your new studio I say your newstudio, this looks great, it's
ours.
It is ours.
I mean, it's the same bedroom,the same, I think it's funny, we
call it our new studio.
Speaker 1 (00:48):
We just took out the bed and put in some chairs.
Speaker 2 (00:51):
Well, I mean, we did more than that.
We replaced the floor, paintedthe walls, took out the bed, got
the chairs, got the desk movedyour desk.
Now we're sitting incomfortable chairs now.
Speaker 1 (01:02):
Yeah, so we can look at each other.
Yeah, that is nice.
Speaker 2 (01:05):
This is very nice.
Speaker 1 (01:07):
Chill and be comfy.
Speaker 2 (01:08):
Absolutely no.
This is great.
You did a great job.
Speaker 1 (01:10):
Thank you Wow.
Speaker 2 (01:13):
What do you mean?
Speaker 1 (01:15):
Well, one thing about our marriage is for the entire
length of it.
Speaker 2 (01:19):
I got to go for a second.
I think my phone's ringing Hangon.
I gotta go for a second.
I think my phone's ringing Hangon.
Speaker 1 (01:24):
I'm sure many women out there maybe can relate to
this that whenever I suggestchange, especially of furniture
or like decor, you throw up likewe don't need to do that.
What do we need to do that for?
Everything we have is perfectlyfine, we don't need to do that.
That's exactly what you didabout this room.
(01:45):
You were like I don't know whywe need to do that, we don't
need to do that.
Put up your big walls about it.
And then, of course, once we doit, you're like this is great,
I love this.
(02:05):
That happens every single time.
Every time we actually do it,or I get a new couch or whatever
.
I love this.
What I don't understand is whydo you put up the?
Speaker 2 (02:08):
wall.
I don't know.
I don't know.
I wish I had a great reason, Idon't know.
I mean, this is part of why amarriage is a.
Speaker 1 (02:18):
Pain sometimes.
Speaker 2 (02:19):
I wasn't going to say that it's a two-way street.
Speaker 1 (02:23):
It's a give and take.
Where's the give and take?
Speaker 2 (02:26):
I you, I you gave or I get.
I don't even know which partthat is, but I'm I don't know
it's.
Just because it's what I thinkdoesn't make it right.
Speaker 1 (02:36):
Just because what I feel is, you know it's not vice
versa, but I will just say everysingle time we finally do it,
you're like this is so awesome.
Good job, tam.
Speaker 2 (02:46):
Okay, look, if we're being honest, it goes back to my
childhood and being abandonedby my family.
Speaker 1 (02:51):
Oh really, we're going there.
Speaker 2 (02:54):
Just want to see if I get sympathy points.
No, I don't know, I reallydon't know.
You know, as long as you'veknown me, I do not like change.
I just don't.
Speaker 1 (03:04):
I think change makes you feel out of control.
If we are going to go deepthere, I think, it comes down to
a control issue.
Yeah, that's definitely it.
Speaker 2 (03:12):
That's definitely it.
Yeah, I was so funny.
You just talked.
I was looking at your desk andeverything and I'm like we've
had the desk for a few years.
And I was like man, I've had mydesk for 30 years, 30 years.
Speaker 1 (03:23):
It looks like it too.
Speaker 2 (03:24):
Well, it does it really does and it serves my
function, and I don't reallycare.
And if you were to say to meright now, hey, let's go change
your desk, what would I say?
Speaker 1 (03:33):
No, that's fine, I don't mind if it's your desk.
Speaker 2 (03:36):
I don't know, I don't know.
I wish I had a great answer,but here's the deal.
Uh, you made the change youforward.
Yes, got over all my walls andnegativity, as you said, and
here we are.
And here we are and it's reallybeautiful, it's awesome, it's
really beautiful.
Speaker 1 (03:51):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (03:52):
So, anyways, I'm sure we have a topic beyond our
redesign of the podcast studiothat we're going to talk about
today.
Speaker 1 (03:58):
Yes, but first I wanted to read a comment that I
got actually a direct messagethat I got from somebody.
Read a comment that I gotactually a direct message that I
got from somebody.
Um, now that I have like apresence on Instagram and I'm
spending more time there, I'minteracting.
Speaker 2 (04:13):
Okay, I'm sorry, I just want to laugh at that.
Speaker 1 (04:15):
A presence, um, let's see your video To brag every
time we're on every every guys,every time I'm around, anybody
right now, anybody Let me pullup my phone, my husband is the
biggest cheerleader and it's sovery sweet.
He is my biggest cheerleader,honest to goodness.
Speaker 2 (04:33):
Okay, at the time.
Speaker 1 (04:34):
Anytime I'm around and we were just at the
hairdresser, he had to pull outthe phone.
Show him my latest videos.
It's very sweet, but you don'thave to brag every time about me
, babe.
Speaker 2 (04:46):
Okay, so I'm just going to pull up your feed.
At the time of recording thispodcast, your last post that you
did at the time we're doingthis 2.1 million views.
The post right next to that oneyou and I sitting in a car 1.6
million views the one rightbefore that when you give advice
.
So the advice videos we learntend to be the ones that have
(05:08):
the lowest amount of views itdepends.
Speaker 1 (05:10):
I've had some that have gone done really well 30
000 views it tends to be becausethose are longer videos two
videos right after that 27.3million views.
Speaker 2 (05:22):
One video beyond that five okay, okay, enough, baby,
enough.
Speaker 1 (05:27):
I mean, it's killing it, killing it.
Thank you back to what marriedand naked uh, on instagram, just
so you know.
Speaker 2 (05:32):
So good, sorry, continue on, sweetie thank you,
my love.
Speaker 1 (05:36):
Thank you.
It's really nice because thisis my first year like delving
into the world of social media.
I mean really spending timethere and interacting with
people there, and now that I'mthere, I get a lot of messages
from people who are, you know,thanking me, thanking us,
(05:59):
telling us they're listening tothe podcast, responding about
certain posts I make, and it'sreally wonderful, it's really
fun, it makes me feel good andit makes me feel like, oh,
people are like there, they'reseeing it, it can make an impact
.
And then sometimes I getparticular messages that
especially touch my heart, so Ijust wanted to share one of
(06:23):
those today in hopes to inspireother people.
Speaker 2 (06:30):
That's okay with you.
Please send her what yourfeelings are of this podcast.
Speaker 1 (06:34):
She just said hey, I just wanted to say I've been
binge listening to your podcastand really love it.
Thank you so much.
I really relate to a lot of thethings that you talk about,
from the low sex drive todealing with money, which we
just did a podcast on.
She's saying it seems like weargue all the time, but I'm
trying, I'm listening to yourpodcast, really helps.
(06:56):
And then I gave her a responseand we were chit chatting a
little bit and then she wroteback like a week later and said
just want to say thank you againfor your podcast.
I've literally been bingelistening and I got the courage
to share with him last nightabout what you talk about.
Lots of tears were shed, but helistened and said he's willing
(07:17):
to listen to the podcast too.
And she said I mentioned aboutthe date night too, which is
reference to a previous episodewe did, and the rules and the
questions, and he said he's allin and it just made me so happy
to hear that that the podcasttriggered a conversation.
(07:39):
I understand if you haven'ttalked about that kind of stuff
before.
Like getting the courage totalk about hard stuff is really,
really hard.
Speaker 2 (07:51):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (07:51):
So I just want to commend her for getting the
courage for talking about it andcommending him for hearing it
and having the hard conversationand saying, hey, let's dive in
and let's do this work together.
That's how a marriage getssaved.
That's how a marriagetransforms is when you're
(08:14):
willing to do that together, andit just made me so happy.
Speaker 2 (08:18):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (08:18):
It just made me happy and feel so hopeful for them
and feel proud of you and I thatwe sit here and we say things
that are really really hard tosay and share and hopes that
that our stories and ourstruggles are are hopefully
helping people.
Speaker 2 (08:38):
Yeah, you know, you hear that a lot right From from
people either on socials orsending you messages saying that
I can't get them to change, orthey'll never do this, or I'm
trying but they're not.
And so when you hear that like,oh my gosh, cause it takes two,
of course Our relationship iswhere it's at, because both of
(08:58):
us work really hard at it Ahundred percent.
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (09:01):
We wouldn't be here if, if we weren't both willing
to put in the work Now to.
Speaker 2 (09:07):
To steal a line from somebody I just heard recently
say I'm pointing to you.
You are the one that has thrownthe pebble in the water first
on many occasions.
Speaker 1 (09:17):
Yes, the change, just like she did yeah.
Speaker 2 (09:22):
The change had come from you, and you making that
change has then taught me or,you know, helped me get on board
or hop on the same tracks torealize oh, I need to work on
myself.
Speaker 1 (09:31):
I think it inspired you to do your own work as well.
Speaker 2 (09:35):
Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1 (09:36):
Without me pointing a finger saying you need to do
this, Joel, it was just meworking on me and that inspired
you to work on you andthankfully you did.
Speaker 2 (09:46):
Yeah, yeah, well, that's awesome to hear that it's
awesome.
Wow, we're making a difference.
Yeah, giving therapy toourselves on a microphone.
Speaker 1 (09:57):
Exactly.
Speaker 2 (09:57):
I love it.
Speaker 1 (09:58):
Exactly Okay, so now we can move on to our topic for
today.
Speaker 2 (10:04):
All right, you know it's interesting hearing you as
we're talking about how welifted ourselves out from the
bottom and worked really hardtogether.
And you know the example youjust gave is there's another
couple out there that's nowstarting the work, like they're
getting into the work.
Eventually they're going tocome to a point, like you and I,
(10:25):
where we're both doing the work.
We're both.
We're feeling like we'regetting on plane and things are
going well.
How do we hold that sacred?
How do we then?
You know it's one thing to bedown in the dumps, another thing
to be up.
And then how do you stay up?
How do you keep the propellerpushing the boat in the right
(10:45):
direction?
Speaker 1 (10:46):
at the right speed.
Yeah, that's a good questionand I think there's a lot of
things that we do for that, butwe can certainly talk about a
few ways that we protect ourmarriage and keep it safe from
those things that harmed usbefore.
Let's talk about three waysthat we protect our marriage.
One of the first things that wedo to protect our marriage is
(11:06):
we work on creating a lot ofone-on-one time.
Speaker 2 (11:10):
Let's break that down right there, because one-on-one
time it's easy to lose.
You and I work together a lot,so is that one-on-one time?
Like we're sitting right hereon two chairs staring at each
other in a microphone?
Would you consider thisone-on-one time?
Like we're sitting right hereon two chairs staring at each
other in a microphone?
Would you consider thisone-on-one time?
Speaker 1 (11:24):
Yeah, I think defining what one-on-one time is
has been like a learning curvefor us.
For me personally, no, I don'tconsider just any time together
one-on-one time.
I don't consider just any timetogether one-on-one time For me.
Quality time is my lovelanguage and it's a specific
(11:45):
kind of time that qualifies.
For me, One-on-one time equalstime without devices.
For us, certainly, it's timewithout work.
No-transcript.
Speaker 2 (12:27):
For us to protect our time.
We do create those moments, andthe moments are important for
both of us.
My love language is touch, sowe make sure that we have time
for touch, and your lovelanguage is quality time, and so
we make sure that we try tocurate time where you feel not
me, but you feel like you'regetting that quality time.
Speaker 1 (12:48):
Right.
One of the other ways weprotect that one-on-one time or
curate that one-on-one time iswe get away together, just the
two of us.
We always take family trips,but we are very good about
taking time for just the two ofus.
Usually, at minimum every othermonth, we're taking at least a
night away, and I think thatthat's been a really big part of
(13:13):
us maintaining connection inour marriage is that one-on-one
time away from the house, awayfrom work, away from the kids.
It's been a really vitalcomponent of the health of our
marriage.
Speaker 2 (13:26):
A hundred percent.
Yeah, I love spending thatone-on-one time with just you
when we get away.
It's so wonderful and I knowyou get a lot of pushback from
people on that topic.
Speaker 1 (13:36):
Sometimes because you know people will argue and say,
well, we don't have the time toget away, or we don't have the
money to get away, or we don'thave the support system to watch
the kids.
And I will push back a littlebit on that.
Just because if you want tocreate the marriage that you
desire and deserve to have, thenyou have to fight against
(13:58):
excuses.
Sometimes you have to find away around, even if that means
like you and I did in thebeginning.
We knew that date nights outwere not really ideal for us.
They probably weren't going tobe a consistent way because they
were expensive, they took toomuch time.
You have to get a sitter.
So we're like, okay, what arewe going to do?
How are we going to make thishappen?
So we did date nights at homeand then we didn't have to deal
(14:21):
with all that.
We just put the kids down andthen we had date night once a
week and we did that.
You make it happen.
If it matters, you make ithappen.
So, even if that means datebreakfast or you meet for lunch
or however, you can make thatwork.
You got to make it work.
Your marriage is important, soI will fight against that a
little bit, that you have tocreate the time and the
opportunities.
(14:41):
Even if you can't physicallyget away, you have to create
like a get away at home.
Speaker 2 (14:46):
I like it.
Yeah, I like it.
Speaker 1 (14:47):
Another way that we protect our marriage is we are
willing to have toughconversations.
Speaker 2 (14:56):
We just had one today , sorry we did just have one
today, you're right.
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (15:00):
Yeah, can we share without sharing?
We don't have to share what theconversation was, but how we
approach tough conversations andwhy are tough conversations
important for protecting ourmarriage.
And we just commended the womanthat was sharing.
I shared what she said, thatshe approached and had the
courage to say the hard things.
(15:22):
Why is that so important in amarriage?
Speaker 2 (15:25):
I will say this so I overreacted to something last
night and big overreaction,which is very common I shouldn't
say it's very common for me,but it's common for me I
overreact, I'm big about it andthink that my feelings are
superior to yours.
When I'm overreacting, just inthat you know it's that fight or
flight.
I'm in the fight mode, you'rein the flight mode, that's
(15:46):
typically how we go and I'm like, ah, big and loud, and and then
you know, of course you know Irealized I was way too, way too
overreactive about this andwrong and how I approached it
and apologized last night.
But you know, the next day youwake up and you're still feeling
a way about it, rightfully so.
You're still feeling a way andit's so important to clear the
(16:11):
air so that those feelings don'tlinger.
Speaker 1 (16:14):
For me, the importance of having the tough
conversations is I think it'stwofold.
Having the tough conversationsis I think it's twofold One I
see so many relationships wherethey're not willing to talk
about the hard things andbecause of that there is a limit
to the depth that thatrelationship can go.
(16:38):
There's a limit to theconnection that that
relationship can feel.
There's like walls that are upand I feel like they're never
going to get out of thatrelationship what they deserve
to get out of it, if that makessense, like those tough
conversations, if they're alwaysthere waiting to be had and
(16:59):
they never get had.
There's just walls around youthat are not allowing you to
create the connection that youare probably desiring to have.
And really sometimes there areprotection walls because you
don't want to have them andthat's your choice, but it's
going to keep you from havingthat connection.
(17:21):
So I see that happen a lot,that couples don't want to have
those tough conversations.
The other thing is not havingthose conversations can like,
for instance, in the example ofhaving like an argument like we
had last night today.
I said in the car I need tolike clear the air about how I'm
feeling, about last night.
If I didn't the car.
I need to like clear the airabout how I'm feeling about last
(17:42):
night.
If I didn't do that, whathappens is I start building up
little bits of resentment, and Ihave learned from our past that
that little bit, even that's alittle bit of resentment.
If I do that again and againand again and again and I did do
that for years After time thatresentment will become
(18:04):
monumental.
It is so damaging to arelationship and it nearly tore
us apart.
My resentment nearly tore usapart because I just kept
putting that stuff under andjust pretend I'm just going to
keep moving through, just goingto keep moving through and just
(18:24):
pretend it's not there.
Let's just keep going, keepgoing.
And then all this resentment.
Just one day it exploded and italmost exploded us.
And so having those toughconversations allows even though
sometimes they feel likethey're going to tear you apart
those hard conversations.
If you can learn how to workthrough them the right way, they
(18:45):
can be so healing.
And it's in those hardconversations that you and I
have found so much healing andso much growth.
Speaker 2 (18:53):
I was going to say growth more than anything.
Speaker 1 (18:55):
I mean.
Speaker 2 (18:56):
I think we've grown the most as a result of those
conversations.
Speaker 1 (19:00):
But certainly we have learned how to communicate
through those and really heareach other through those.
If we're like fighting, wedon't do so good, you know.
But but approaching those hardconversations, when we are in a
place that we're as it soundslike that woman that was sharing
earlier where you're willing tolike hear your partner, then
(19:23):
there's so much growth that canhappen in those situations and I
just really encourage you notto shy away from them, to dig in
and to go there and to havethose conversations and if
you're scared to do them, thento get somebody who's can help
you, like a therapist or acounselor that can help you dive
into those hard conversationsand to work through all those
(19:43):
things so that that resentmentisn't building up, because
nobody wants to live that way.
I didn't want to.
I don't like living that way,feeling that way about you.
Nobody wants to live that way,feeling resentment.
Speaker 2 (19:55):
I'm just curious in your opinion, why do you think
it's so hard to have thoseconversations?
Speaker 1 (20:01):
I think vulnerability is terrifying, the idea of
what's going to happen if I saywhatever, that hard thing is to
say.
What's going to happen on theother end?
Am I going to be rejected?
Are you going to be mad at me,are you?
I don't know, who knows whatthe fear is on the other end.
(20:22):
Are you going to leave me me,whatever it is?
Yeah, I think it's just a fear,fear of being so vulnerable
that there's something that'sgonna happen on the other end.
That's gonna be a terribleresponse that's a good answer.
Yeah, yeah, that makes senseI've been through the resentment
thing.
I don't want to go thereanymore.
(20:43):
So if I feel it, we need totalk about it so that it's not
lingering anymore.
I don't want to feel that wayanymore.
And the third way we protectour marriage and I think this is
quite evident and we talk aboutthis time and time again, we've
already talked about it todayis we do our own inner work.
Speaker 2 (20:59):
That's what we're just saying.
Speaker 1 (21:00):
We talk about it over and, over and over and over.
We protect our marriage bydoing our own work and the
saving of our marriage, as Isaid earlier, as oh, I think I'm
confusing I think we recordedtwo things.
I think I said this on theprevious recording, but the
saving of our marriage startedwith my own inner work, with me
(21:23):
doing my work and then you beinginspired to do yours and your
willingness to do yours.
If you are not willing to dothe work, or your partner is not
willing to do the work, yourmarriage is going to really
struggle to repair.
Speaker 2 (21:39):
Yeah, I can't.
I just can't fathom the amountof times I hear this.
That I'm not going to change,that's just who I am.
Speaker 1 (21:47):
Somebody saying I am who I am, I'm never going to
change.
I think that is a full blowncop out yeah.
I will just fall on that swordright now.
I will just fall on that swordright now.
I'm not saying that you need tobe a different person for your
spouse that's not what I'msaying but somebody who is
(22:10):
unwilling to see their own.
Speaker 2 (22:14):
Flaws.
Speaker 1 (22:15):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (22:16):
Issues when it comes to being in a relationship.
Speaker 1 (22:18):
Yeah.
And to see that they're notperfect yeah.
And to see that they're notperfect, yeah, or not even that
they're not perfect, but thatthey have the ability to be
better for themselves, for thepeople around them, to not see
that for the people that theylove.
I think that that is just sucha cop out of not being willing
(22:39):
to put in the hard work Becauseit's hard work, I get that
Nobody wants to actually do it.
Speaker 2 (22:45):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (22:46):
But it's just a cop-out and it's not okay in my
opinion, and the cop-out way outis to just say we are who we
are and we can't do anythingabout it.
Speaker 2 (22:58):
And we're always going to have problems here.
Speaker 1 (23:02):
Of course we can do something about it.
We can work to be better foreach other, we can work to be
better for ourselves.
We don't have to be differentpeople, but we can work to be
the better version of ourselvesso that we can have the marriage
that we want to have.
Speaker 2 (23:15):
That's what makes, that's what keeps our
relationship, in my opinion, sowonderful, is exactly what you
said about we're both doing theinner work and we're both
learning constantly, evolvingconstantly, because we're both
doing that inner work.
Speaker 1 (23:34):
That's some of the ways.
We have many, many more ways,but some of the ways that we
protect our marriage.
Thank you so much for listening.
We love having you all herewith us today.
Let us know what you thinkabout the podcast.
Please don't hesitate to leaveus a review.
We always appreciate that.
(23:54):
It helps our podcast get out tomore listeners and that would
mean a great deal to us, and welook forward to talking with you
next time on the Married andNaked podcast.
Bye, everybody.
Welcome to the Married and Naked podcast.
I'm Tammy, founder of the blogMarried and Naked, certified
sexuality coach and speaker.
Speaker 2 (00:07):
And I'm Joel, tv host , motivational speaker and the
guinea pig to the lessons you'reabout to learn.
Speaker 1 (00:13):
We're high school sweethearts, married over two
decades, and we're on a missionto help you create the marriage
you desire and deserve.
Let's get naked.
Welcome in to the Married andNaked podcast.
Everybody Happy to be here withyou today.
How is everybody doing?
How are you, Joel?
Speaker 2 (00:31):
I'm doing good, sweetheart.
I'm enjoying the brand.
This is the first time we'veactually recorded a podcast in
your new studio I say your newstudio, this looks great, it's
ours.
It is ours.
I mean, it's the same bedroom,the same, I think it's funny, we
call it our new studio.
Speaker 1 (00:48):
We just took out the bed and put in some chairs.
Speaker 2 (00:51):
Well, I mean, we did more than that.
We replaced the floor, paintedthe walls, took out the bed, got
the chairs, got the desk movedyour desk.
Now we're sitting incomfortable chairs now.
Speaker 1 (01:02):
Yeah, so we can look at each other.
Yeah, that is nice.
Speaker 2 (01:05):
This is very nice.
Speaker 1 (01:07):
Chill and be comfy.
Speaker 2 (01:08):
Absolutely no.
This is great.
You did a great job.
Speaker 1 (01:10):
Thank you Wow.
Speaker 2 (01:13):
What do you mean?
Speaker 1 (01:15):
Well, one thing about our marriage is for the entire
length of it.
Speaker 2 (01:19):
I got to go for a second.
I think my phone's ringing Hangon.
I gotta go for a second.
I think my phone's ringing Hangon.
Speaker 1 (01:24):
I'm sure many women out there maybe can relate to
this that whenever I suggestchange, especially of furniture
or like decor, you throw up likewe don't need to do that.
What do we need to do that for?
Everything we have is perfectlyfine, we don't need to do that.
That's exactly what you didabout this room.
(01:45):
You were like I don't know whywe need to do that, we don't
need to do that.
Put up your big walls about it.
And then, of course, once we doit, you're like this is great,
I love this.
(02:05):
That happens every single time.
Every time we actually do it,or I get a new couch or whatever
.
I love this.
What I don't understand is whydo you put up the?
Speaker 2 (02:08):
wall.
I don't know.
I don't know.
I wish I had a great reason, Idon't know.
I mean, this is part of why amarriage is a.
Speaker 1 (02:18):
Pain sometimes.
Speaker 2 (02:19):
I wasn't going to say that it's a two-way street.
Speaker 1 (02:23):
It's a give and take.
Where's the give and take?
Speaker 2 (02:26):
I you, I you gave or I get.
I don't even know which partthat is, but I'm I don't know
it's.
Just because it's what I thinkdoesn't make it right.
Speaker 1 (02:36):
Just because what I feel is, you know it's not vice
versa, but I will just say everysingle time we finally do it,
you're like this is so awesome.
Good job, tam.
Speaker 2 (02:46):
Okay, look, if we're being honest, it goes back to my
childhood and being abandonedby my family.
Speaker 1 (02:51):
Oh really, we're going there.
Speaker 2 (02:54):
Just want to see if I get sympathy points.
No, I don't know, I reallydon't know.
You know, as long as you'veknown me, I do not like change.
I just don't.
Speaker 1 (03:04):
I think change makes you feel out of control.
If we are going to go deepthere, I think, it comes down to
a control issue.
Yeah, that's definitely it.
Speaker 2 (03:12):
That's definitely it.
Yeah, I was so funny.
You just talked.
I was looking at your desk andeverything and I'm like we've
had the desk for a few years.
And I was like man, I've had mydesk for 30 years, 30 years.
Speaker 1 (03:23):
It looks like it too.
Speaker 2 (03:24):
Well, it does it really does and it serves my
function, and I don't reallycare.
And if you were to say to meright now, hey, let's go change
your desk, what would I say?
Speaker 1 (03:33):
No, that's fine, I don't mind if it's your desk.
Speaker 2 (03:36):
I don't know, I don't know.
I wish I had a great answer,but here's the deal.
Uh, you made the change youforward.
Yes, got over all my walls andnegativity, as you said, and
here we are.
And here we are and it's reallybeautiful, it's awesome, it's
really beautiful.
Speaker 1 (03:51):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (03:52):
So, anyways, I'm sure we have a topic beyond our
redesign of the podcast studiothat we're going to talk about
today.
Speaker 1 (03:58):
Yes, but first I wanted to read a comment that I
got actually a direct messagethat I got from somebody.
Read a comment that I gotactually a direct message that I
got from somebody.
Um, now that I have like apresence on Instagram and I'm
spending more time there, I'minteracting.
Speaker 2 (04:13):
Okay, I'm sorry, I just want to laugh at that.
Speaker 1 (04:15):
A presence, um, let's see your video To brag every
time we're on every every guys,every time I'm around, anybody
right now, anybody Let me pullup my phone, my husband is the
biggest cheerleader and it's sovery sweet.
He is my biggest cheerleader,honest to goodness.
Speaker 2 (04:33):
Okay, at the time.
Speaker 1 (04:34):
Anytime I'm around and we were just at the
hairdresser, he had to pull outthe phone.
Show him my latest videos.
It's very sweet, but you don'thave to brag every time about me
, babe.
Speaker 2 (04:46):
Okay, so I'm just going to pull up your feed.
At the time of recording thispodcast, your last post that you
did at the time we're doingthis 2.1 million views.
The post right next to that oneyou and I sitting in a car 1.6
million views the one rightbefore that when you give advice
.
So the advice videos we learntend to be the ones that have
(05:08):
the lowest amount of views itdepends.
Speaker 1 (05:10):
I've had some that have gone done really well 30
000 views it tends to be becausethose are longer videos two
videos right after that 27.3million views.
Speaker 2 (05:22):
One video beyond that five okay, okay, enough, baby,
enough.
Speaker 1 (05:27):
I mean, it's killing it, killing it.
Thank you back to what marriedand naked uh, on instagram, just
so you know.
Speaker 2 (05:32):
So good, sorry, continue on, sweetie thank you,
my love.
Speaker 1 (05:36):
Thank you.
It's really nice because thisis my first year like delving
into the world of social media.
I mean really spending timethere and interacting with
people there, and now that I'mthere, I get a lot of messages
from people who are, you know,thanking me, thanking us,
(05:59):
telling us they're listening tothe podcast, responding about
certain posts I make, and it'sreally wonderful, it's really
fun, it makes me feel good andit makes me feel like, oh,
people are like there, they'reseeing it, it can make an impact
.
And then sometimes I getparticular messages that
especially touch my heart, so Ijust wanted to share one of
(06:23):
those today in hopes to inspireother people.
Speaker 2 (06:30):
That's okay with you.
Please send her what yourfeelings are of this podcast.
Speaker 1 (06:34):
She just said hey, I just wanted to say I've been
binge listening to your podcastand really love it.
Thank you so much.
I really relate to a lot of thethings that you talk about,
from the low sex drive todealing with money, which we
just did a podcast on.
She's saying it seems like weargue all the time, but I'm
trying, I'm listening to yourpodcast, really helps.
(06:56):
And then I gave her a responseand we were chit chatting a
little bit and then she wroteback like a week later and said
just want to say thank you againfor your podcast.
I've literally been bingelistening and I got the courage
to share with him last nightabout what you talk about.
Lots of tears were shed, but helistened and said he's willing
(07:17):
to listen to the podcast too.
And she said I mentioned aboutthe date night too, which is
reference to a previous episodewe did, and the rules and the
questions, and he said he's allin and it just made me so happy
to hear that that the podcasttriggered a conversation.
(07:39):
I understand if you haven'ttalked about that kind of stuff
before.
Like getting the courage totalk about hard stuff is really,
really hard.
Speaker 2 (07:51):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (07:51):
So I just want to commend her for getting the
courage for talking about it andcommending him for hearing it
and having the hard conversationand saying, hey, let's dive in
and let's do this work together.
That's how a marriage getssaved.
That's how a marriagetransforms is when you're
(08:14):
willing to do that together, andit just made me so happy.
Speaker 2 (08:18):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (08:18):
It just made me happy and feel so hopeful for them
and feel proud of you and I thatwe sit here and we say things
that are really really hard tosay and share and hopes that
that our stories and ourstruggles are are hopefully
helping people.
Speaker 2 (08:38):
Yeah, you know, you hear that a lot right From from
people either on socials orsending you messages saying that
I can't get them to change, orthey'll never do this, or I'm
trying but they're not.
And so when you hear that like,oh my gosh, cause it takes two,
of course Our relationship iswhere it's at, because both of
(08:58):
us work really hard at it Ahundred percent.
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (09:01):
We wouldn't be here if, if we weren't both willing
to put in the work Now to.
Speaker 2 (09:07):
To steal a line from somebody I just heard recently
say I'm pointing to you.
You are the one that has thrownthe pebble in the water first
on many occasions.
Speaker 1 (09:17):
Yes, the change, just like she did yeah.
Speaker 2 (09:22):
The change had come from you, and you making that
change has then taught me or,you know, helped me get on board
or hop on the same tracks torealize oh, I need to work on
myself.
Speaker 1 (09:31):
I think it inspired you to do your own work as well.
Speaker 2 (09:35):
Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1 (09:36):
Without me pointing a finger saying you need to do
this, Joel, it was just meworking on me and that inspired
you to work on you andthankfully you did.
Speaker 2 (09:46):
Yeah, yeah, well, that's awesome to hear that it's
awesome.
Wow, we're making a difference.
Yeah, giving therapy toourselves on a microphone.
Speaker 1 (09:57):
Exactly.
Speaker 2 (09:57):
I love it.
Speaker 1 (09:58):
Exactly Okay, so now we can move on to our topic for
today.
Speaker 2 (10:04):
All right, you know it's interesting hearing you as
we're talking about how welifted ourselves out from the
bottom and worked really hardtogether.
And you know the example youjust gave is there's another
couple out there that's nowstarting the work, like they're
getting into the work.
Eventually they're going tocome to a point, like you and I,
(10:25):
where we're both doing the work.
We're both.
We're feeling like we'regetting on plane and things are
going well.
How do we hold that sacred?
How do we then?
You know it's one thing to bedown in the dumps, another thing
to be up.
And then how do you stay up?
How do you keep the propellerpushing the boat in the right
(10:45):
direction?
Speaker 1 (10:46):
at the right speed.
Yeah, that's a good questionand I think there's a lot of
things that we do for that, butwe can certainly talk about a
few ways that we protect ourmarriage and keep it safe from
those things that harmed usbefore.
Let's talk about three waysthat we protect our marriage.
One of the first things that wedo to protect our marriage is
(11:06):
we work on creating a lot ofone-on-one time.
Speaker 2 (11:10):
Let's break that down right there, because one-on-one
time it's easy to lose.
You and I work together a lot,so is that one-on-one time?
Like we're sitting right hereon two chairs staring at each
other in a microphone?
Would you consider thisone-on-one time?
Like we're sitting right hereon two chairs staring at each
other in a microphone?
Would you consider thisone-on-one time?
Speaker 1 (11:24):
Yeah, I think defining what one-on-one time is
has been like a learning curvefor us.
For me personally, no, I don'tconsider just any time together
one-on-one time.
I don't consider just any timetogether one-on-one time For me.
Quality time is my lovelanguage and it's a specific
(11:45):
kind of time that qualifies.
For me, One-on-one time equalstime without devices.
For us, certainly, it's timewithout work.
No-transcript.
Speaker 2 (12:27):
For us to protect our time.
We do create those moments, andthe moments are important for
both of us.
My love language is touch, sowe make sure that we have time
for touch, and your lovelanguage is quality time, and so
we make sure that we try tocurate time where you feel not
me, but you feel like you'regetting that quality time.
Speaker 1 (12:48):
Right.
One of the other ways weprotect that one-on-one time or
curate that one-on-one time iswe get away together, just the
two of us.
We always take family trips,but we are very good about
taking time for just the two ofus.
Usually, at minimum every othermonth, we're taking at least a
night away, and I think thatthat's been a really big part of
(13:13):
us maintaining connection inour marriage is that one-on-one
time away from the house, awayfrom work, away from the kids.
It's been a really vitalcomponent of the health of our
marriage.
Speaker 2 (13:26):
A hundred percent.
Yeah, I love spending thatone-on-one time with just you
when we get away.
It's so wonderful and I knowyou get a lot of pushback from
people on that topic.
Speaker 1 (13:36):
Sometimes because you know people will argue and say,
well, we don't have the time toget away, or we don't have the
money to get away, or we don'thave the support system to watch
the kids.
And I will push back a littlebit on that.
Just because if you want tocreate the marriage that you
desire and deserve to have, thenyou have to fight against
(13:58):
excuses.
Sometimes you have to find away around, even if that means
like you and I did in thebeginning.
We knew that date nights outwere not really ideal for us.
They probably weren't going tobe a consistent way because they
were expensive, they took toomuch time.
You have to get a sitter.
So we're like, okay, what arewe going to do?
How are we going to make thishappen?
So we did date nights at homeand then we didn't have to deal
(14:21):
with all that.
We just put the kids down andthen we had date night once a
week and we did that.
You make it happen.
If it matters, you make ithappen.
So, even if that means datebreakfast or you meet for lunch
or however, you can make thatwork.
You got to make it work.
Your marriage is important, soI will fight against that a
little bit, that you have tocreate the time and the
opportunities.
(14:41):
Even if you can't physicallyget away, you have to create
like a get away at home.
Speaker 2 (14:46):
I like it.
Yeah, I like it.
Speaker 1 (14:47):
Another way that we protect our marriage is we are
willing to have toughconversations.
Speaker 2 (14:56):
We just had one today , sorry we did just have one
today, you're right.
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (15:00):
Yeah, can we share without sharing?
We don't have to share what theconversation was, but how we
approach tough conversations andwhy are tough conversations
important for protecting ourmarriage.
And we just commended the womanthat was sharing.
I shared what she said, thatshe approached and had the
courage to say the hard things.
(15:22):
Why is that so important in amarriage?
Speaker 2 (15:25):
I will say this so I overreacted to something last
night and big overreaction,which is very common I shouldn't
say it's very common for me,but it's common for me I
overreact, I'm big about it andthink that my feelings are
superior to yours.
When I'm overreacting, just inthat you know it's that fight or
flight.
I'm in the fight mode, you'rein the flight mode, that's
(15:46):
typically how we go and I'm like, ah, big and loud, and and then
you know, of course you know Irealized I was way too, way too
overreactive about this andwrong and how I approached it
and apologized last night.
But you know, the next day youwake up and you're still feeling
a way about it, rightfully so.
You're still feeling a way andit's so important to clear the
(16:11):
air so that those feelings don'tlinger.
Speaker 1 (16:14):
For me, the importance of having the tough
conversations is I think it'stwofold.
Having the tough conversationsis I think it's twofold One I
see so many relationships wherethey're not willing to talk
about the hard things andbecause of that there is a limit
to the depth that thatrelationship can go.
(16:38):
There's a limit to theconnection that that
relationship can feel.
There's like walls that are upand I feel like they're never
going to get out of thatrelationship what they deserve
to get out of it, if that makessense, like those tough
conversations, if they're alwaysthere waiting to be had and
(16:59):
they never get had.
There's just walls around youthat are not allowing you to
create the connection that youare probably desiring to have.
And really sometimes there areprotection walls because you
don't want to have them andthat's your choice, but it's
going to keep you from havingthat connection.
(17:21):
So I see that happen a lot,that couples don't want to have
those tough conversations.
The other thing is not havingthose conversations can like,
for instance, in the example ofhaving like an argument like we
had last night today.
I said in the car I need tolike clear the air about how I'm
feeling, about last night.
If I didn't the car.
I need to like clear the airabout how I'm feeling about last
(17:42):
night.
If I didn't do that, whathappens is I start building up
little bits of resentment, and Ihave learned from our past that
that little bit, even that's alittle bit of resentment.
If I do that again and againand again and again and I did do
that for years After time thatresentment will become
(18:04):
monumental.
It is so damaging to arelationship and it nearly tore
us apart.
My resentment nearly tore usapart because I just kept
putting that stuff under andjust pretend I'm just going to
keep moving through, just goingto keep moving through and just
(18:24):
pretend it's not there.
Let's just keep going, keepgoing.
And then all this resentment.
Just one day it exploded and italmost exploded us.
And so having those toughconversations allows even though
sometimes they feel likethey're going to tear you apart
those hard conversations.
If you can learn how to workthrough them the right way, they
(18:45):
can be so healing.
And it's in those hardconversations that you and I
have found so much healing andso much growth.
Speaker 2 (18:53):
I was going to say growth more than anything.
Speaker 1 (18:55):
I mean.
Speaker 2 (18:56):
I think we've grown the most as a result of those
conversations.
Speaker 1 (19:00):
But certainly we have learned how to communicate
through those and really heareach other through those.
If we're like fighting, wedon't do so good, you know.
But but approaching those hardconversations, when we are in a
place that we're as it soundslike that woman that was sharing
earlier where you're willing tolike hear your partner, then
(19:23):
there's so much growth that canhappen in those situations and I
just really encourage you notto shy away from them, to dig in
and to go there and to havethose conversations and if
you're scared to do them, thento get somebody who's can help
you, like a therapist or acounselor that can help you dive
into those hard conversationsand to work through all those
(19:43):
things so that that resentmentisn't building up, because
nobody wants to live that way.
I didn't want to.
I don't like living that way,feeling that way about you.
Nobody wants to live that way,feeling resentment.
Speaker 2 (19:55):
I'm just curious in your opinion, why do you think
it's so hard to have thoseconversations?
Speaker 1 (20:01):
I think vulnerability is terrifying, the idea of
what's going to happen if I saywhatever, that hard thing is to
say.
What's going to happen on theother end?
Am I going to be rejected?
Are you going to be mad at me,are you?
I don't know, who knows whatthe fear is on the other end.
(20:22):
Are you going to leave me me,whatever it is?
Yeah, I think it's just a fear,fear of being so vulnerable
that there's something that'sgonna happen on the other end.
That's gonna be a terribleresponse that's a good answer.
Yeah, yeah, that makes senseI've been through the resentment
thing.
I don't want to go thereanymore.
(20:43):
So if I feel it, we need totalk about it so that it's not
lingering anymore.
I don't want to feel that wayanymore.
And the third way we protectour marriage and I think this is
quite evident and we talk aboutthis time and time again, we've
already talked about it todayis we do our own inner work.
Speaker 2 (20:59):
That's what we're just saying.
Speaker 1 (21:00):
We talk about it over and, over and over and over.
We protect our marriage bydoing our own work and the
saving of our marriage, as Isaid earlier, as oh, I think I'm
confusing I think we recordedtwo things.
I think I said this on theprevious recording, but the
saving of our marriage startedwith my own inner work, with me
(21:23):
doing my work and then you beinginspired to do yours and your
willingness to do yours.
If you are not willing to dothe work, or your partner is not
willing to do the work, yourmarriage is going to really
struggle to repair.
Speaker 2 (21:39):
Yeah, I can't.
I just can't fathom the amountof times I hear this.
That I'm not going to change,that's just who I am.
Speaker 1 (21:47):
Somebody saying I am who I am, I'm never going to
change.
I think that is a full blowncop out yeah.
I will just fall on that swordright now.
I will just fall on that swordright now.
I'm not saying that you need tobe a different person for your
spouse that's not what I'msaying but somebody who is
(22:10):
unwilling to see their own.
Speaker 2 (22:14):
Flaws.
Speaker 1 (22:15):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (22:16):
Issues when it comes to being in a relationship.
Speaker 1 (22:18):
Yeah.
And to see that they're notperfect yeah.
And to see that they're notperfect, yeah, or not even that
they're not perfect, but thatthey have the ability to be
better for themselves, for thepeople around them, to not see
that for the people that theylove.
I think that that is just sucha cop out of not being willing
(22:39):
to put in the hard work Becauseit's hard work, I get that
Nobody wants to actually do it.
Speaker 2 (22:45):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (22:46):
But it's just a cop-out and it's not okay in my
opinion, and the cop-out way outis to just say we are who we
are and we can't do anythingabout it.
Speaker 2 (22:58):
And we're always going to have problems here.
Speaker 1 (23:02):
Of course we can do something about it.
We can work to be better foreach other, we can work to be
better for ourselves.
We don't have to be differentpeople, but we can work to be
the better version of ourselvesso that we can have the marriage
that we want to have.
Speaker 2 (23:15):
That's what makes, that's what keeps our
relationship, in my opinion, sowonderful, is exactly what you
said about we're both doing theinner work and we're both
learning constantly, evolvingconstantly, because we're both
doing that inner work.
Speaker 1 (23:34):
That's some of the ways.
We have many, many more ways,but some of the ways that we
protect our marriage.
Thank you so much for listening.
We love having you all herewith us today.
Let us know what you thinkabout the podcast.
Please don't hesitate to leaveus a review.
We always appreciate that.
(23:54):
It helps our podcast get out tomore listeners and that would
mean a great deal to us, and welook forward to talking with you
next time on the Married andNaked podcast.
Bye, everybody.
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