December 11, 2023 • 38 mins
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Today we are setting the record straight on the debate between ACCEPTANCE and SETTLING.
Let's clear it up now.
Acceptance, as we've discovered, is not about tolerating bad behavior or settling for less, but coming to terms with who your partner truly is.
In this episode, we are talking candidly about our journey with acceptance and the role it has played in the transformation of our marriage.
And we are debunking the misconception that acceptance means tolerating disrespect or abuse.
Finally, we examine the importance of boundaries in relationships.
Settle in for a great discussion on a foundational pillar that saved our marriage.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Welcome to the Married to Naked podcast.
I'm Tammy, founder of the blogMarried to Naked, certified
sexuality coach and speaker.
Speaker 2 (00:07):
And I'm Joel, tv host , motivational speaker and the
guinea pig to the lessons you'reabout to learn.
Speaker 1 (00:13):
We're high school sweethearts, married over two
decades, and we're on a missionto help you create the marriage
you desire and deserve.
Let's get naked.
Welcome into the Married toNaked podcast.
Speaker 2 (00:25):
Hi, sweetie, hey baby , you coming in hot with a lot
of energy.
Well, speaking of energy, thatreminds me of that post you did
today on Instagram about howthings that I how did you were
to annoy you or frustrate you.
Is that what?
Oh, you're going to your she'spicking up her phone.
Speaker 1 (00:41):
No, because you're saying it wrong.
Speaker 2 (00:42):
I'm just doing it play by play.
She swiped down, now she'sgoing to the Instagram and now
go.
What does it say?
Speaker 1 (00:48):
It says, marriage is loving someone so much that you
don't even care thatoccasionally they are the most
frustrating human being in theworld.
Speaker 2 (00:56):
And, by the way, this is a post where you and I are
sitting in a car together andthen you go on to say I don't
know 150 things.
How frustrating I make you, Ithink I said four things.
It felt like 150, and one ofthem had to do with energy.
So that's what made me thinkthat.
Speaker 1 (01:14):
Yes, because you wake up with more energy than any
normal person should have.
It's quite exhausting.
You go to bed with energy likethat too.
How did I wind up with you?
Speaker 2 (01:28):
Ah, luck, you lucked out, you lucked out and I lucked
out as well.
So how are we doing today,sweetheart, Good, good.
Speaker 1 (01:36):
So I recently did a post on acceptance and it was
essentially you and I justdancing in the kitchen and what
I had said was and I'm notreading this, so I won't get
that exactly right but I saidsomething to the effect that I
fell in love with you again whenI was able to let go of judging
(01:57):
you for not being exactly theperson I wanted you to be and
started accepting you forexactly who you are.
So essentially, the post wasabout acceptance, and I talk a
lot about acceptance, as youknow, when I am oh, I definitely
.
Speaker 2 (02:17):
Oh, you're talking to them sorry.
Speaker 1 (02:18):
No, I'm talking to you.
As you know, I do talk a lotabout acceptance.
It's one of our four pillarsthat we refer to a lot in what's
kept our marriage strong, whathelped us heal from really dark
times, and I've really come tobelieve that it's really a vital
component of a healthy marriagenot just of a healthy marriage,
(02:39):
but really of relationships ingeneral.
But when I shared that onInstagram, I got a variety of
different thoughts about it, soI thought it'd be something
important to talk about.
One thing I felt was happeningwas some people really
understood what I was trying toget at and others didn't, so I
wanna clarify what was behindthat post, give our thoughts on
(03:01):
acceptance and how that evencame about in our marriage, and
then how we work withinacceptance to set boundaries
around what we are and aren'twilling to accept.
That's a lot I just unloaded onyou, cause I know you weren't
really knowing what we weregonna be getting ourselves into
today.
But does that sound okay?
Speaker 2 (03:21):
No, I think it's wonderful because if you're a
consistent listener of thepodcast, you can reference so
many of our past episodes.
We talk about acceptance.
That's one of the four pillarsthat you completely revamped our
relationship.
I'm all game for clearing it up, because I think it's very
important that people do getthis distinction of what
(03:41):
acceptance truly is and whatit's meant in our relationship.
Speaker 1 (03:45):
Let's just give a brief bullet point of the story
that brought us to the idea ofacceptance in our marriage.
One year, many years ago, whenyou and I were in not great
place in our marriage, we werereally I'll probably almost, or
at bottom and we were at yourfather's house in Sacramento and
(04:05):
we were arguing in the bedroomand we were arguing about
something that I wanted to buy agift for somebody, and we got
in this big argument about money, as we typically did at that
time.
We couldn't talk about moneywithout it being like a point of
contention.
It led to argumentsconsistently.
So I stomped out of the roomduring the argument and I went
(04:30):
to the bathroom and I wassitting in the bathroom, you
know, with the lid down, sittingon the toilet, and I had a
really clear thought in thatmoment.
Our transformation story hadseveral of these kind of
epiphanies and I had a veryclear epiphany that day, and
that epiphany was that I can'tchange you.
I'm never gonna be able tochange you, and I realized that
(04:56):
like deep in my bones in thatmoment.
And I also realized that we arewho we are because of our past
and our history and you canshare more, but you and I have
very different backgrounds whenit comes to money.
Tell a little bit about yourbackground.
Speaker 2 (05:15):
Yeah, my parents separated when I was five and my
mom raised two boys on her ownand I was five years old and so
those first couple of years, orthe first year and a half, my
mom was on welfare, so we had nomoney.
On top of that, my grandpatalking World War II mentality
of scarcity, and so it wasalways of don't waste your money
(05:38):
, penny pinch, don't borrow anymoney.
He built the house that my momgrew up in, never moved and
never bought a car and a loan,and you know, I was a teenager
and 20 years old as I go on, Iunderstood all that stuff.
My point is that I never hadany money and so anytime money
came into my life, it wasn'tever about spending it, it was
(06:02):
always about saving it.
Speaker 1 (06:04):
And I grew up differently.
My parents were together.
They both had very good payingjobs, so as a kid I never really
gave much thought to money.
Honestly, I don't think moneywas a problem.
If it was, I didn't know aboutit, and we always went to dinner
, Always Friday night dinner wasa big deal and we tried
(06:27):
different restaurants or wedrive far to get to different
places to eat together.
And we always did big summervacations and we always had a
big, huge Christmas.
I mean everything I ever wanted, Not to the level of being able
to get you know all the brandnames and stuff like that, but
that's when we shopped a Kmart,you know.
(06:47):
But I didn't lack for anythingand I didn't really feel that I
didn't.
I couldn't have what I wanted.
And as a teenager, if I neededmoney for my car or to go to the
movies or whatever, daddy justhanded it to me.
It wasn't a big deal.
So back to sitting in thebathroom and realizing I'm never
(07:08):
gonna change you.
The other epiphany at thatmoment was realizing that we're
different, and we're differentbecause of those experiences we
had as kids.
And as I was sitting therehaving these epiphanies, I
decided at that moment that Ihad to make a choice.
The choice was I either work tocontinue to try to change you,
(07:29):
as I'd been doing, but it wasn'tworking.
It was just creating so muchconflict in our marriage.
I so desperately wanted you tobe like me around money.
I wanted you to relax about it.
I wanted to be able to go dofun things and spend some money
and not have to make it such abig deal all the time.
(07:49):
And I just realized it wasn'tworking like that.
Speaker 2 (07:55):
And this is years into our marriage, but I mean,
we were together nine yearsprior to getting married, so
there's a lot of baggage thatyou were dealing with.
Speaker 1 (08:07):
Yeah, and the other choice I saw was that I could
choose to just let go of tryingto change you and I could choose
to just accept that this is whoyou are because of your
experiences that you had thatare different than mine.
And I chose that moment toaccept.
And I remember I went and satbeside you and you were sitting
(08:30):
still in the bedroom, you weresitting on the bed.
I sat beside you and I told youmy epiphanies I had and that I
realized that you are who youare for a reason and that are
you.
Okay, what do you?
Speaker 2 (08:43):
mean, I'm sorry.
Speaker 1 (08:45):
You are who you.
Speaker 2 (08:46):
You can't even tell.
Well, even when you speak,every time you tell this story,
I just get this mix of emotions.
Speaker 1 (08:54):
Oh, I didn't know that.
I'm usually far from you whenI'm telling this story.
You're on stage talking.
Speaker 2 (08:58):
This is the part of your presentation that always
just gets me, because it's it'sour two worlds coming together
and we had to figure it out andI it's the emotion I feel is I'm
so grateful you, you figured itout, you fixed our relationship
(09:19):
by this part of ourrelationship, by simply saying
you understood me.
Speaker 1 (09:26):
Yeah, what I came to you and said was I just realized
that I've been trying to changeyou and I realized that you are
who you are.
We are who we are for a reasonand you grew up in a different
way and that brought on a lot offear and worry about money that
you carry with you as an adult.
(09:48):
And that is not the sameexperience that I had, but that
those experiences created you tobe who you are.
They created you to worry aboutmoney, but they also created
you to be an amazing provider,an incredible husband, and you
give everything you have tomaking sure that we are
(10:09):
financially secure and that yourkids in your family never have
to struggle like your family did.
So when I said that, just likeyou did just now, you teared up
about it and you broke down andyou felt terrible and you said
I'm so sorry about the argumentwe had and you said I want you
(10:34):
to have everything you everwanted.
I just really worry.
You worry deeply about money.
And I just said I know and Iunderstand that now, in that
whole span, I just suddenly gotit.
I understood and I decided I'mnot gonna try to change that
about you.
I'm gonna accept this about youand that allowed us to move
(10:58):
through this discussion inparticular in a very different
way and really inspired us tomove through many discussions in
a very different way.
Speaker 2 (11:11):
It was like you were accepting to me and understood
how I felt.
And then I'm like well, I wasable to communicate it to you
and I didn't know how tocommunicate.
I know I'd said it before, butI'd said it with anger and I was
able to communicate.
I just wanna make sure we'reokay.
I wanna make sure that we don'texperience what I witnessed my
(11:35):
family experiencing.
Speaker 1 (11:37):
That opened me and, in turn, opened you up to seeing
things in a different way, andit just changed everything about
how we worked through conflict,how we looked at our
differences, how we worked tobegin to try to understand them
(11:59):
and deeply understand them, notjust, oh, he is what he is, no
deeply Like, really, why is thisthe way it is?
And then work to just let eachother be who we are truly.
Speaker 2 (12:14):
Yeah, I mean, obviously we still have had
issues of money, of course,Always.
Speaker 1 (12:19):
Of course, but really we don't argue about money, we
disagree.
That has never changed.
It didn't mean that I then letyou just win all the discussions
about it, that I let youcontrol everything about money.
What it meant was I couldapproach conversations
differently.
I could approach thoseconversations about money from a
(12:42):
place of understanding andcompassion for what your
experience around money is,rather than me coming at you
saying why are you the way youare?
Why can't you chill out aboutit?
Why can't you be more like me?
Speaker 2 (12:55):
And by you approaching those conversations
that way, like having thatunderstanding, that level of
understanding that I couldn'teven grasp, just couldn't even
think like that.
That's why, when you're onstage, I'm like I well up
Because, my goodness, just thatlevel of understanding that you
brought to our relationshipchanged our whole relationship.
(13:18):
Because by you bringing that inand having that understanding
and thinking about, oh, this haspassed, this maybe hurt or
whatnot, then it turns me intogoing.
But, honey, I know this isimportant to you and I'm sorry,
my feelings are coming out.
I'm sorry my fear is coming tothe top.
Speaker 1 (13:34):
Because it allows you to feel seen rather than feel
attacked.
It's a very, very differentapproach.
Speaker 2 (13:41):
I'm sick and tired of being sappy on this podcast.
Speaker 1 (13:44):
I'm so sorry You've been crying a lot Lately.
Speaker 2 (13:46):
holy mackerel.
Speaker 1 (13:48):
So one thing I notice when I speak of acceptance is
people will often equate that tosettling or giving up on
wanting more or having totolerate bad behavior.
So that's really what I wanted,to make sure that I'm
clarifying here, and Iunderstand, because we all think
(14:10):
of acceptance means we justwell, you just accept it is what
it is right.
So I wanna address the idea ofsettling, because acceptance
does not equal settling.
They're two separate things.
Speaker 2 (14:26):
It's so funny because when you you'd mentioned you'd
had a couple of comments on thispost and that brought up the
word settling and I was likewhat the heck are they talking
about?
Like, I feel like acceptance isabout understanding and being
there at the spot ofunderstanding for a relationship
that I really want to be in.
Speaker 1 (14:47):
That's because you and I have addressed the word
acceptance in a different waythan I think many people think
of acceptance.
They think of acceptance asmeaning it is the way it is,
which essentially it is, but theway we've defined it and the
way we work through it isdifferent.
So I can see theirmisunderstanding, which is why I
(15:09):
wanted to clarify.
Speaker 2 (15:11):
I don't know.
I just feel like the peoplethat hang on to that phrase of
oh, you just settled.
They're truly not lookinginward and thinking about.
In every relationship there's agive and take, there's an
acceptance of the other'sperson's behavior, actions or
whatnot.
Speaker 1 (15:24):
But there's not always.
Speaker 2 (15:26):
There shouldn't If you want to have a successful
relationship.
That's different.
Speaker 1 (15:30):
Doesn't mean there is .
We're saying that that's a wayto work through a healthier
relationship, but that doesn'tmean it is, or that people have
even.
Just like you said, you nevereven thought about the word
acceptance.
You never, we never, processedeven that idea in our
relationship.
And had I not come to thatrandom epiphany, we may still be
(15:51):
here sitting here butting headsand trying to fix each other
into being who we want eachother to be, and I think many,
many relationships sit in that.
So when you say you need toaccept your partner, they think,
oh, you're telling me I justneed to give up and accept that
(16:12):
he's has this bad behavior or hetreats me like crap, or she
doesn't want me ever, or that'swhat they're thinking.
So I can see that perspective.
You see the perspectivedifferently because we've
defined it very differently andwe practice it regularly and we
(16:33):
speak of it regularly, whereasmany people, if we think of how
we were back then, that's wherethey're at.
So to me, acceptance meansseeing the situation or person
as they are and letting go ofthe effort to change them, and
one person that I reallyappreciate their wisdom is Jay
(16:55):
Shetty.
He was, if you don't know whohe was he was a previous monk.
He's now a life coach and Idon't know I don't know how he
would specifically definehimself, but very in tune into
relationships.
He says people don't change forother people, they change for
themselves.
And if they don't want tochange, they are not changing.
(17:18):
So stop trying to change otherpeople.
Relationships are more aboutlearning to respect other
people's values than they are tomake them value what we value.
This is what acceptance is.
It's understanding that I don'thave the power to change you.
You only have that power, andfor me, what I really work to do
(17:44):
is let go of the desire tochange you and I've leaned into
understanding and accepting whoyou truly are.
Then, once I've reached that,or once you can reach that place
of accepting someone for whothey are, you then have power to
see truth.
When I can do that, it frees meup to love you in a different
(18:09):
way, to love you in a more pureway, and it frees me up to see.
It frees not just me, but freespeople up to see the truth.
One person said to me in thispost.
They commented my question isto what end?
My husband never gets up withour child, always sleeps in
(18:31):
hours after we've been awaycannot handle conflict, tends to
yell and cuss at me.
I don't want to accept this.
She says.
Speaker 2 (18:39):
She shouldn't accept that.
I'm sorry, was I not supposedto?
Speaker 1 (18:41):
say that.
No, that's fine.
My answer to her was again inthis comment.
She's implying I'm saying shehas to settle for this behavior.
Speaker 2 (18:54):
Yeah, oh, do you see that?
Speaker 1 (18:56):
You know, what?
Speaker 2 (18:56):
I okay, I got it, I got it, I got it.
For this person.
Speaker 1 (18:59):
I said acceptance does not mean tolerating
disrespect or abuse.
Never, it's not what I mean andI never want it to be
interpreted that way.
Acceptance can help you see thetruth.
It can free you from trying tochange someone.
You will never change.
You cannot change them, onlythey can.
And if they are choosing not tochange and treating you
(19:23):
continuously in this way, thenacceptance lets you ask the
question Knowing this person iswho they are and they are
choosing not to change.
Is this the person I want tospend my life with?
You are seeing them for whothey are the good, the bad.
That's who they are, and whenyou're able to step back and say
(19:43):
I see you for who you truly are, it then gives you power to say
are you the person?
Am I willing to tolerate,accept the behavior or is this
behavior unacceptable and I needto find a move out of this
(20:06):
situation.
When I looked at you, acceptancedoesn't mean you give in to
harmful and disrespectfulbehavior.
The things that I wanted tochange about you were not deal
breakers, and in marriage thereare deal breakers.
Some of them are lack of trust,lack of safety, lack of respect
.
If those aren't present in amarriage, they are or should be
(20:31):
deal breakers.
Those were not what we weredealing with.
Acceptance, then, allows you toset the boundaries for what you
won't tolerate or what you will, and if that person that you
know, this person that she'sreferring to her husband, if
they choose not to respect thoseboundaries, then acceptance
reminds you that you have thepower to change the situation
(20:53):
for yourself.
It's like seeing things as theyare and then giving you the
power to make a choice.
Is this willing, what I'mwilling to sit in and work
through or not knowing they arewho they are?
Does that make sense?
Speaker 2 (21:13):
Totally.
This is well, and just gotproof of why you're so brilliant
at this.
Speaker 1 (21:18):
It's hard to explain in words, even though I
understand it in my head.
You know, Right, right.
Speaker 2 (21:23):
You know, I think most people probably do
understand it too.
I'm sure the majority of yourcomments correct me if I'm wrong
.
Majority of your comments werelike understanding it.
Oh, this is great.
Speaker 1 (21:34):
So seeing someone for who they truly are doesn't mean
you have to put up with them,doesn't mean you have to settle
for them.
It just means that you see themand you understand.
You're not in control of theirbehavior.
Speaker 2 (21:47):
So is it fair to say if you don't like the behavior,
you understand it, you see it.
You don't like it and you stilldeal with it.
Speaker 1 (21:55):
That's settling Sure, but let's talk about yes, yes,
but let's talk about if you seethem for who they are and what
you're seeing is disrespect andabuse and you understand you
can't and won't be able tochange that, then you then have
the power to take control andput yourself in a healthier
(22:16):
situation.
Outside of that, sitting backand hoping that person is going
to change is not acceptance.
They are who they are.
You cannot fix them.
If you sit back and see whothey are and you love them and
none of the behaviors are dealbreakers for you whatever your
(22:37):
deal breakers are and they'rejust things that really bug you
or you butt heads about, thenyou can decide what things you
need to set boundaries aroundSome situations that come up
with this acceptance thing.
Really, my thought and adviceis they need to put themselves
in a healthier situation.
It strikes chords of disrespectand abuse when people speak to
(23:04):
this.
I don't want to accept this.
In my life that's often comingup.
That is fine.
Don't accept it, move on.
That would be my advice formany of the situations.
For most of us, that's not thesituation we're in and we need
to learn to understand thesedifferences that we have, accept
these differences and learn towork within them.
(23:27):
That's what most of us aredealing with, and acceptance
doesn't mean you never ask forwhat you want.
Of course you do.
It just means you stop tryingto force this other person into
your mold.
The goal is to be able to workthrough setting and respecting
boundaries.
So let's talk about boundaries.
(23:47):
We're kind of going through thefunnel of acceptance and
understanding, seeing themreally where they're at.
Is this person who I want tospend my life with?
And if the answer is yes, thenwhat are the boundaries that we
need to set up?
Because setting boundaries inmarriage is important and it's
(24:08):
something that you and I havelearned as we've gone on.
People think of the wordboundaries and you suddenly
think I can't do this.
Speaker 2 (24:16):
I should do this.
I need to do this.
Speaker 1 (24:18):
You think like it's very restrictive.
Yes, that's right.
That's not really what we'rereferring to as far as
boundaries.
But let's talk about respectingboundaries or what they mean
exactly.
Some of the examples ofboundaries During arguments our
boundaries that we really workto check our defenses at the
door stay respectful.
If arguments go beyond that, weneed to take a break, start
(24:41):
again at a later time.
Our boundaries around intimacyis that we are understanding and
respecting that we are bothdifferent in our desire levels
and one person's view is notmore important than the other.
Your desire versus not havingas much desire doesn't mean you
get to win and we go all the wayyour way.
(25:02):
Our expectation is that we areboth working together to find a
happy medium where we can bothbe satisfied with our sex lives.
These are examples ofboundaries that we set and we
didn't specifically say theseare our boundaries, but we
certainly can.
Speaker 2 (25:17):
You brought up sex and our different sex drives and
I know that is a topic that somany people super struggle with
including us 100%.
Speaker 1 (25:28):
That changed when I began to respect and understand
the fact that you have a highdrive Instead of me, because
what I constantly was trying todo is hope and wish that that
would change about you and haveyou be more like me or stop
needing so much and stop beingwho you were and I felt the
(25:49):
exact same.
Speaker 2 (25:50):
And that is at one point.
You'll have a high sex driveand you'll want more.
You're trying to change thatabout me Trying to change that
about you, and so when you bringthe acceptance part of who I am
to the equation, it's so hardfor me to not go.
I accept you, meaning.
Speaker 1 (26:05):
I get you.
I understand I'm not trying tochange that about you.
I understand that is who youare and you understand I am
different than you and that'sokay.
Speaker 2 (26:15):
Let me ask you this Do you feel like people are
really gonna struggle with this?
Because when you did this, yougave no thought to oh, I'm gonna
do this for him, so he needs tostart doing this for me.
That was not how you broughtthat to the situation, but I
(26:37):
feel like a lot of people expectthat to happen.
I'm gonna accept him, so he hasto accept me, or I'm gonna
accept her.
She has to accept me, and Ifeel like maybe that's a setup
for a failure.
Speaker 1 (26:55):
Well, I think if you're setting any expectations
up, you're setting yourself upfor a very dangerous path.
Expectations are reallydangerous in marriage, but for
me and when we were workingthrough everything, all the
things were just things Ihonestly truly were working on
to improve myself.
I didn't in turn hope to haveyou somehow follow suit.
(27:19):
It was just me.
I was just really wanting to bethe better version of me and
with that it kind of had aripple effect to where you also
wanted to work on the samethings when you noticed they
were making a difference.
So I think if you're setting,if that's in your mind, you're
already setting yourself up forfailure.
(27:40):
The goal is to just work onyourself, I think, being the
best version of yourself thatyou can be.
However, you can talk aboutthese boundaries.
You can talk about these things, and I think the best place to
start is to start with what areyour deal breakers?
Has it down and have adiscussion together and talk
about what are the deal breakersin your marriage, what are the
(28:02):
things that you absolutelycannot let go of.
They are a must for you.
Talk about those, write thosedown.
Then you start to talk aboutwhat are the boundaries within
those musts.
For instance, even though wehaven't said this is a boundary,
we know this is a boundary.
(28:24):
If I don't make an effort forphysical intimacy, if you don't
feel like there is some efforton my end towards physical
intimacy, that's a deal breakerfor you.
You want to feel loved in thatphysical way.
Am I right there?
Speaker 2 (28:43):
Yeah, you're right, it's so hard.
It's like when you say it likethat, I was like, oh geez, that
sounds really harsh.
Speaker 1 (28:48):
But I don't mean it harsh.
I just mean that that's a truthfor you, that and we've been
through this because so that weknow this is an actual deal
breaker, because it almost brokeus on both ends If you're in a
relationship where you don'tfeel physically loved and again
I'm not putting any kind of likenumber on this or anything I'm
(29:11):
saying if you don't feel thatfrom me or effort from me in
some way, that's a space whereyou're then deciding or would
decide or had in the past.
Is this what I want?
Is this the relationship I want?
If I don't feel loved becauseyou feel loved most through
(29:32):
physical intimacy other ways aswell, obviously, but that's what
that comes down to for you.
Speaker 2 (29:38):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (29:39):
And for me, if I don't feel loved and it took me
a long time to put this intowords but if I don't feel loved
in ways outside of physicalintimacy, that's a deal breaker
for me.
That led me to asking is thiswhat I want?
I'm not getting what I need.
So that's an example ofboundaries that we've learned.
(30:01):
We need to understand andrespect that.
Physical intimacy is reallyimportant to you it's important
to me too, but not at the samelevel as you.
And emotional intimacy,intimacy outside of the bedroom
is important to me, it'simportant to you too, but not at
the same level.
So we've learned that we haveto understand that about each
(30:22):
other, accept that those thingsare important to each other and
then know hey, if we want to bein this relationship, we have to
.
Then work together to somehowmeet in the middle on those
needs Doesn't mean I gotta comeall the way your way or you
gotta come all the way mine.
It means that we understand andrespect this and we gotta find
(30:43):
our way to a happy medium,understanding this important
boundary in our marriage.
Speaker 2 (30:51):
Yeah, versus knowing this about each other and we're
not getting it from each otherand choosing to stay in the
relationship.
That would mean the definitionof settling.
Speaker 1 (31:03):
Exactly, truly, truly like being with somebody.
If you were somebody who wasn'twilling to put in the effort,
wasn't willing to see my side,if I wasn't willing to
understand that about you andjust stuck in, well, suck it up,
you know, like, oh well, you'renot doing what I want you to do
, so you're not gonna get it.
(31:24):
Yeah, if you're staying in thatplace and you're both unhappy
and you're unwilling, orsomebody's unwilling, to do the
work, then yeah, that issettling, which is still a
choice.
Speaker 2 (31:35):
Yeah, still a choice.
And this is the great thingabout this podcast what you
teach how you help people.
Because when we were goingthrough this, before you could
make the argument that we weresettling with each other because
we didn't know all of thisstuff behind it.
We didn't understand that thisis what you truly need.
(31:59):
And then, when we'd share itwith each other, we each had our
hands over our ears, going likeI'm not listening, you're not
giving it to me, I'm not givingit to you, you know.
Speaker 1 (32:07):
So we were settling in a way, and then you we were
stuck in a lot of bitterness andresentment that made us
unwilling to hear anything.
So if we just go back to aquick example around
communicating about money, theway I can approach it
differently is I can say, ifwe're needing to talk about it,
I can say babe, I understandwhen we talk about big purchases
(32:27):
it scares you and it can causea lot of anxiety for you, and I
really get that.
But we have to find our way tohappy medium around purchases
for Christmas.
We have a lot coming up and Ijust wanted to talk to you about
it and see how we can kind offind our way to a happy medium
so we're both happy.
Speaker 2 (32:46):
Isn't it incredible, like if you, just if somebody
came to you and talked aboutyour biggest fear or one of the
biggest fears, you walked aroundand said that to you?
Would it not be disarming?
I mean, it's such a disarmingstatement because you're telling
me in that statement youunderstand my fears, you
understand how I feel, but youalso have a need that we need to
(33:09):
think about and work towards.
Speaker 1 (33:11):
Yes, I'm still expressing that I want something
.
This is important to me, butwe're going to do it in a way
that comes from a place ofunderstanding and me accepting
that this is hard for you andthat's okay.
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (33:25):
So that's a perfect example of why we don't have big
fights over money anymore.
Because of the way you framethings now and the way we talk
about it now, because of thisunderstanding to what we still
disagree, of course and in thatconversation I could disagree.
Speaker 1 (33:40):
I could, but and I'm not always perfect at that, but
I am much quicker, especiallyaround money, to find my way to
that space.
Speaker 2 (33:49):
You're pretty darn perfect.
You really are.
You know you are.
I mean it's, and I'm braggingfor you because I'm the one
who's on the other end goingyeah, this is a fear, this is
terrible, but man, she's, shemakes so much sense and okay,
what do we do?
Tell me, how do we do this?
Speaker 1 (34:06):
I just want to say that this is really deep and
complicated work and there hasto be emotional maturity in
order to be able to do this, inorder to be able to find your
way to acceptance, in order tobe able to work through
challenges the way I just gaveexamples of, and you really have
(34:28):
to have a partner, like I have,who was willing to hear that
and who was willing to receivethat and who was willing to
reciprocate in his own way, thefact that you were able to just
do your own work, to see thatfor yourself, to be aware enough
of your own work that youneeded to do.
(34:50):
That's why we're here, becauseif it's a one-sided relationship
, it just doesn't work.
It just doesn't.
Speaker 2 (34:59):
Well, you would be settling, Settling.
Speaker 1 (35:02):
If your spouse and I hear this a lot if your spouse
is the person who is not willingto work on the relationship,
they just don't seem to care orput in the effort.
Acceptance means you see thatabout them, you're not trying to
change them into being somebodythey're not.
They're not suddenly going tobe somebody who cares and who
(35:24):
puts in the work and just doingit all and it's like 100% in.
That's not who they are.
So you're seeing that You'restopping to try to that effort
you've been putting in to try tofix and change them and then
you're in a place of power whereyou get to choose.
How are you you specificallymoving through this relationship
(35:47):
, moving out of the relationship?
What choices are you makingwith this information?
Maybe I just wrapped it up withthat.
Maybe that just made sense rightthen and there.
Speaker 2 (35:57):
That was the pin on it.
Speaker 1 (35:59):
So talk about your deal breakers which ones are you
not willing to give up on,which ones can you be more
flexible on?
And then come to someagreements about these deal
breakers.
What are the consequences ifwe're breaking these boundaries?
Like I said, if we need to takea break, if we're not making
any effort, our boundaries are.
We already know.
We've been at this point wherewe're not going to make it.
(36:21):
If we're not making the effort.
We know that.
So, and then it's really workingto be accountable and
understand that you're a team,you're working together to
respect these boundaries.
And if you're really strugglingin this space, reach out for
help.
Talk to a therapist to help youwork through this acceptance
phase, to work through settingboundaries in your relationship,
(36:43):
speaking for what you want,working as a team to reach this
level of understanding of eachother.
To wrap it all up, acceptanceisn't settling.
I'm not settling for you.
I'm understanding you and I'mrespecting that.
You're your own person and wework together to meet each other
(37:05):
where we are, and we also worktogether to be the best version
of ourselves that we can be, notbecause someone's you're trying
to force me into some kind ofmold, but because we love each
other and we both agree thatthis relationship is important
and it's worth it.
Speaker 2 (37:23):
Absolutely, that's it .
Speaker 1 (37:25):
I hope I that was a really long-winded way to come
to an understanding ofacceptance, but I feel it is a
complicated thing.
You'll hear about acceptance inBuddhism.
You hear it in many differentkinds of religious or spiritual
kind of talks.
It's a very, very importantconcept and for us it's been
(37:47):
vital to the health of ourrelationship.
So I urge you to work tounderstand your partner.
I urge you to really lean inand choose acceptance and then
build your boundaries from there.
Hope you all understand that.
Please send us emails if youhave any questions about this,
(38:08):
if you're wondering anythingspecific about this or you have
ideas that you'd like us toaddress in the future, and head
on over to Instagram.
You can see I'm putting updaily posts on our marriage, on
what makes it work and whathasn't worked, and some fun
stuff too, and I guess that'lldo it for today.
(38:31):
Babe.
Thank you so much for beinghere and being an awesome
partner, not only on thispodcast but in life.
Speaker 2 (38:38):
Thank you, baby, you're the best I love you.
You're the best, love you.
Speaker 1 (38:41):
And we'll talk to you next time on the Married and
Naked Podcast.
Bye, everybody.
Welcome to the Married to Naked podcast.
I'm Tammy, founder of the blogMarried to Naked, certified
sexuality coach and speaker.
Speaker 2 (00:07):
And I'm Joel, tv host , motivational speaker and the
guinea pig to the lessons you'reabout to learn.
Speaker 1 (00:13):
We're high school sweethearts, married over two
decades, and we're on a missionto help you create the marriage
you desire and deserve.
Let's get naked.
Welcome into the Married toNaked podcast.
Speaker 2 (00:25):
Hi, sweetie, hey baby , you coming in hot with a lot
of energy.
Well, speaking of energy, thatreminds me of that post you did
today on Instagram about howthings that I how did you were
to annoy you or frustrate you.
Is that what?
Oh, you're going to your she'spicking up her phone.
Speaker 1 (00:41):
No, because you're saying it wrong.
Speaker 2 (00:42):
I'm just doing it play by play.
She swiped down, now she'sgoing to the Instagram and now
go.
What does it say?
Speaker 1 (00:48):
It says, marriage is loving someone so much that you
don't even care thatoccasionally they are the most
frustrating human being in theworld.
Speaker 2 (00:56):
And, by the way, this is a post where you and I are
sitting in a car together andthen you go on to say I don't
know 150 things.
How frustrating I make you, Ithink I said four things.
It felt like 150, and one ofthem had to do with energy.
So that's what made me thinkthat.
Speaker 1 (01:14):
Yes, because you wake up with more energy than any
normal person should have.
It's quite exhausting.
You go to bed with energy likethat too.
How did I wind up with you?
Speaker 2 (01:28):
Ah, luck, you lucked out, you lucked out and I lucked
out as well.
So how are we doing today,sweetheart, Good, good.
Speaker 1 (01:36):
So I recently did a post on acceptance and it was
essentially you and I justdancing in the kitchen and what
I had said was and I'm notreading this, so I won't get
that exactly right but I saidsomething to the effect that I
fell in love with you again whenI was able to let go of judging
(01:57):
you for not being exactly theperson I wanted you to be and
started accepting you forexactly who you are.
So essentially, the post wasabout acceptance, and I talk a
lot about acceptance, as youknow, when I am oh, I definitely
.
Speaker 2 (02:17):
Oh, you're talking to them sorry.
Speaker 1 (02:18):
No, I'm talking to you.
As you know, I do talk a lotabout acceptance.
It's one of our four pillarsthat we refer to a lot in what's
kept our marriage strong, whathelped us heal from really dark
times, and I've really come tobelieve that it's really a vital
component of a healthy marriagenot just of a healthy marriage,
(02:39):
but really of relationships ingeneral.
But when I shared that onInstagram, I got a variety of
different thoughts about it, soI thought it'd be something
important to talk about.
One thing I felt was happeningwas some people really
understood what I was trying toget at and others didn't, so I
wanna clarify what was behindthat post, give our thoughts on
(03:01):
acceptance and how that evencame about in our marriage, and
then how we work withinacceptance to set boundaries
around what we are and aren'twilling to accept.
That's a lot I just unloaded onyou, cause I know you weren't
really knowing what we weregonna be getting ourselves into
today.
But does that sound okay?
Speaker 2 (03:21):
No, I think it's wonderful because if you're a
consistent listener of thepodcast, you can reference so
many of our past episodes.
We talk about acceptance.
That's one of the four pillarsthat you completely revamped our
relationship.
I'm all game for clearing it up, because I think it's very
important that people do getthis distinction of what
(03:41):
acceptance truly is and whatit's meant in our relationship.
Speaker 1 (03:45):
Let's just give a brief bullet point of the story
that brought us to the idea ofacceptance in our marriage.
One year, many years ago, whenyou and I were in not great
place in our marriage, we werereally I'll probably almost, or
at bottom and we were at yourfather's house in Sacramento and
(04:05):
we were arguing in the bedroomand we were arguing about
something that I wanted to buy agift for somebody, and we got
in this big argument about money, as we typically did at that
time.
We couldn't talk about moneywithout it being like a point of
contention.
It led to argumentsconsistently.
So I stomped out of the roomduring the argument and I went
(04:30):
to the bathroom and I wassitting in the bathroom, you
know, with the lid down, sittingon the toilet, and I had a
really clear thought in thatmoment.
Our transformation story hadseveral of these kind of
epiphanies and I had a veryclear epiphany that day, and
that epiphany was that I can'tchange you.
I'm never gonna be able tochange you, and I realized that
(04:56):
like deep in my bones in thatmoment.
And I also realized that we arewho we are because of our past
and our history and you canshare more, but you and I have
very different backgrounds whenit comes to money.
Tell a little bit about yourbackground.
Speaker 2 (05:15):
Yeah, my parents separated when I was five and my
mom raised two boys on her ownand I was five years old and so
those first couple of years, orthe first year and a half, my
mom was on welfare, so we had nomoney.
On top of that, my grandpatalking World War II mentality
of scarcity, and so it wasalways of don't waste your money
(05:38):
, penny pinch, don't borrow anymoney.
He built the house that my momgrew up in, never moved and
never bought a car and a loan,and you know, I was a teenager
and 20 years old as I go on, Iunderstood all that stuff.
My point is that I never hadany money and so anytime money
came into my life, it wasn'tever about spending it, it was
(06:02):
always about saving it.
Speaker 1 (06:04):
And I grew up differently.
My parents were together.
They both had very good payingjobs, so as a kid I never really
gave much thought to money.
Honestly, I don't think moneywas a problem.
If it was, I didn't know aboutit, and we always went to dinner
, Always Friday night dinner wasa big deal and we tried
(06:27):
different restaurants or wedrive far to get to different
places to eat together.
And we always did big summervacations and we always had a
big, huge Christmas.
I mean everything I ever wanted, Not to the level of being able
to get you know all the brandnames and stuff like that, but
that's when we shopped a Kmart,you know.
(06:47):
But I didn't lack for anythingand I didn't really feel that I
didn't.
I couldn't have what I wanted.
And as a teenager, if I neededmoney for my car or to go to the
movies or whatever, daddy justhanded it to me.
It wasn't a big deal.
So back to sitting in thebathroom and realizing I'm never
(07:08):
gonna change you.
The other epiphany at thatmoment was realizing that we're
different, and we're differentbecause of those experiences we
had as kids.
And as I was sitting therehaving these epiphanies, I
decided at that moment that Ihad to make a choice.
The choice was I either work tocontinue to try to change you,
(07:29):
as I'd been doing, but it wasn'tworking.
It was just creating so muchconflict in our marriage.
I so desperately wanted you tobe like me around money.
I wanted you to relax about it.
I wanted to be able to go dofun things and spend some money
and not have to make it such abig deal all the time.
(07:49):
And I just realized it wasn'tworking like that.
Speaker 2 (07:55):
And this is years into our marriage, but I mean,
we were together nine yearsprior to getting married, so
there's a lot of baggage thatyou were dealing with.
Speaker 1 (08:07):
Yeah, and the other choice I saw was that I could
choose to just let go of tryingto change you and I could choose
to just accept that this is whoyou are because of your
experiences that you had thatare different than mine.
And I chose that moment toaccept.
And I remember I went and satbeside you and you were sitting
(08:30):
still in the bedroom, you weresitting on the bed.
I sat beside you and I told youmy epiphanies I had and that I
realized that you are who youare for a reason and that are
you.
Okay, what do you?
Speaker 2 (08:43):
mean, I'm sorry.
Speaker 1 (08:45):
You are who you.
Speaker 2 (08:46):
You can't even tell.
Well, even when you speak,every time you tell this story,
I just get this mix of emotions.
Speaker 1 (08:54):
Oh, I didn't know that.
I'm usually far from you whenI'm telling this story.
You're on stage talking.
Speaker 2 (08:58):
This is the part of your presentation that always
just gets me, because it's it'sour two worlds coming together
and we had to figure it out andI it's the emotion I feel is I'm
so grateful you, you figured itout, you fixed our relationship
(09:19):
by this part of ourrelationship, by simply saying
you understood me.
Speaker 1 (09:26):
Yeah, what I came to you and said was I just realized
that I've been trying to changeyou and I realized that you are
who you are.
We are who we are for a reasonand you grew up in a different
way and that brought on a lot offear and worry about money that
you carry with you as an adult.
(09:48):
And that is not the sameexperience that I had, but that
those experiences created you tobe who you are.
They created you to worry aboutmoney, but they also created
you to be an amazing provider,an incredible husband, and you
give everything you have tomaking sure that we are
(10:09):
financially secure and that yourkids in your family never have
to struggle like your family did.
So when I said that, just likeyou did just now, you teared up
about it and you broke down andyou felt terrible and you said
I'm so sorry about the argumentwe had and you said I want you
(10:34):
to have everything you everwanted.
I just really worry.
You worry deeply about money.
And I just said I know and Iunderstand that now, in that
whole span, I just suddenly gotit.
I understood and I decided I'mnot gonna try to change that
about you.
I'm gonna accept this about youand that allowed us to move
(10:58):
through this discussion inparticular in a very different
way and really inspired us tomove through many discussions in
a very different way.
Speaker 2 (11:11):
It was like you were accepting to me and understood
how I felt.
And then I'm like well, I wasable to communicate it to you
and I didn't know how tocommunicate.
I know I'd said it before, butI'd said it with anger and I was
able to communicate.
I just wanna make sure we'reokay.
I wanna make sure that we don'texperience what I witnessed my
(11:35):
family experiencing.
Speaker 1 (11:37):
That opened me and, in turn, opened you up to seeing
things in a different way, andit just changed everything about
how we worked through conflict,how we looked at our
differences, how we worked tobegin to try to understand them
(11:59):
and deeply understand them, notjust, oh, he is what he is, no
deeply Like, really, why is thisthe way it is?
And then work to just let eachother be who we are truly.
Speaker 2 (12:14):
Yeah, I mean, obviously we still have had
issues of money, of course,Always.
Speaker 1 (12:19):
Of course, but really we don't argue about money, we
disagree.
That has never changed.
It didn't mean that I then letyou just win all the discussions
about it, that I let youcontrol everything about money.
What it meant was I couldapproach conversations
differently.
I could approach thoseconversations about money from a
(12:42):
place of understanding andcompassion for what your
experience around money is,rather than me coming at you
saying why are you the way youare?
Why can't you chill out aboutit?
Why can't you be more like me?
Speaker 2 (12:55):
And by you approaching those conversations
that way, like having thatunderstanding, that level of
understanding that I couldn'teven grasp, just couldn't even
think like that.
That's why, when you're onstage, I'm like I well up
Because, my goodness, just thatlevel of understanding that you
brought to our relationshipchanged our whole relationship.
(13:18):
Because by you bringing that inand having that understanding
and thinking about, oh, this haspassed, this maybe hurt or
whatnot, then it turns me intogoing.
But, honey, I know this isimportant to you and I'm sorry,
my feelings are coming out.
I'm sorry my fear is coming tothe top.
Speaker 1 (13:34):
Because it allows you to feel seen rather than feel
attacked.
It's a very, very differentapproach.
Speaker 2 (13:41):
I'm sick and tired of being sappy on this podcast.
Speaker 1 (13:44):
I'm so sorry You've been crying a lot Lately.
Speaker 2 (13:46):
holy mackerel.
Speaker 1 (13:48):
So one thing I notice when I speak of acceptance is
people will often equate that tosettling or giving up on
wanting more or having totolerate bad behavior.
So that's really what I wanted,to make sure that I'm
clarifying here, and Iunderstand, because we all think
(14:10):
of acceptance means we justwell, you just accept it is what
it is right.
So I wanna address the idea ofsettling, because acceptance
does not equal settling.
They're two separate things.
Speaker 2 (14:26):
It's so funny because when you you'd mentioned you'd
had a couple of comments on thispost and that brought up the
word settling and I was likewhat the heck are they talking
about?
Like, I feel like acceptance isabout understanding and being
there at the spot ofunderstanding for a relationship
that I really want to be in.
Speaker 1 (14:47):
That's because you and I have addressed the word
acceptance in a different waythan I think many people think
of acceptance.
They think of acceptance asmeaning it is the way it is,
which essentially it is, but theway we've defined it and the
way we work through it isdifferent.
So I can see theirmisunderstanding, which is why I
(15:09):
wanted to clarify.
Speaker 2 (15:11):
I don't know.
I just feel like the peoplethat hang on to that phrase of
oh, you just settled.
They're truly not lookinginward and thinking about.
In every relationship there's agive and take, there's an
acceptance of the other'sperson's behavior, actions or
whatnot.
Speaker 1 (15:24):
But there's not always.
Speaker 2 (15:26):
There shouldn't If you want to have a successful
relationship.
That's different.
Speaker 1 (15:30):
Doesn't mean there is .
We're saying that that's a wayto work through a healthier
relationship, but that doesn'tmean it is, or that people have
even.
Just like you said, you nevereven thought about the word
acceptance.
You never, we never, processedeven that idea in our
relationship.
And had I not come to thatrandom epiphany, we may still be
(15:51):
here sitting here butting headsand trying to fix each other
into being who we want eachother to be, and I think many,
many relationships sit in that.
So when you say you need toaccept your partner, they think,
oh, you're telling me I justneed to give up and accept that
(16:12):
he's has this bad behavior or hetreats me like crap, or she
doesn't want me ever, or that'swhat they're thinking.
So I can see that perspective.
You see the perspectivedifferently because we've
defined it very differently andwe practice it regularly and we
(16:33):
speak of it regularly, whereasmany people, if we think of how
we were back then, that's wherethey're at.
So to me, acceptance meansseeing the situation or person
as they are and letting go ofthe effort to change them, and
one person that I reallyappreciate their wisdom is Jay
(16:55):
Shetty.
He was, if you don't know whohe was he was a previous monk.
He's now a life coach and Idon't know I don't know how he
would specifically definehimself, but very in tune into
relationships.
He says people don't change forother people, they change for
themselves.
And if they don't want tochange, they are not changing.
(17:18):
So stop trying to change otherpeople.
Relationships are more aboutlearning to respect other
people's values than they are tomake them value what we value.
This is what acceptance is.
It's understanding that I don'thave the power to change you.
You only have that power, andfor me, what I really work to do
(17:44):
is let go of the desire tochange you and I've leaned into
understanding and accepting whoyou truly are.
Then, once I've reached that,or once you can reach that place
of accepting someone for whothey are, you then have power to
see truth.
When I can do that, it frees meup to love you in a different
(18:09):
way, to love you in a more pureway, and it frees me up to see.
It frees not just me, but freespeople up to see the truth.
One person said to me in thispost.
They commented my question isto what end?
My husband never gets up withour child, always sleeps in
(18:31):
hours after we've been awaycannot handle conflict, tends to
yell and cuss at me.
I don't want to accept this.
She says.
Speaker 2 (18:39):
She shouldn't accept that.
I'm sorry, was I not supposedto?
Speaker 1 (18:41):
say that.
No, that's fine.
My answer to her was again inthis comment.
She's implying I'm saying shehas to settle for this behavior.
Speaker 2 (18:54):
Yeah, oh, do you see that?
Speaker 1 (18:56):
You know, what?
Speaker 2 (18:56):
I okay, I got it, I got it, I got it.
For this person.
Speaker 1 (18:59):
I said acceptance does not mean tolerating
disrespect or abuse.
Never, it's not what I mean andI never want it to be
interpreted that way.
Acceptance can help you see thetruth.
It can free you from trying tochange someone.
You will never change.
You cannot change them, onlythey can.
And if they are choosing not tochange and treating you
(19:23):
continuously in this way, thenacceptance lets you ask the
question Knowing this person iswho they are and they are
choosing not to change.
Is this the person I want tospend my life with?
You are seeing them for whothey are the good, the bad.
That's who they are, and whenyou're able to step back and say
(19:43):
I see you for who you truly are, it then gives you power to say
are you the person?
Am I willing to tolerate,accept the behavior or is this
behavior unacceptable and I needto find a move out of this
(20:06):
situation.
When I looked at you, acceptancedoesn't mean you give in to
harmful and disrespectfulbehavior.
The things that I wanted tochange about you were not deal
breakers, and in marriage thereare deal breakers.
Some of them are lack of trust,lack of safety, lack of respect
.
If those aren't present in amarriage, they are or should be
(20:31):
deal breakers.
Those were not what we weredealing with.
Acceptance, then, allows you toset the boundaries for what you
won't tolerate or what you will, and if that person that you
know, this person that she'sreferring to her husband, if
they choose not to respect thoseboundaries, then acceptance
reminds you that you have thepower to change the situation
(20:53):
for yourself.
It's like seeing things as theyare and then giving you the
power to make a choice.
Is this willing, what I'mwilling to sit in and work
through or not knowing they arewho they are?
Does that make sense?
Speaker 2 (21:13):
Totally.
This is well, and just gotproof of why you're so brilliant
at this.
Speaker 1 (21:18):
It's hard to explain in words, even though I
understand it in my head.
You know, Right, right.
Speaker 2 (21:23):
You know, I think most people probably do
understand it too.
I'm sure the majority of yourcomments correct me if I'm wrong
.
Majority of your comments werelike understanding it.
Oh, this is great.
Speaker 1 (21:34):
So seeing someone for who they truly are doesn't mean
you have to put up with them,doesn't mean you have to settle
for them.
It just means that you see themand you understand.
You're not in control of theirbehavior.
Speaker 2 (21:47):
So is it fair to say if you don't like the behavior,
you understand it, you see it.
You don't like it and you stilldeal with it.
Speaker 1 (21:55):
That's settling Sure, but let's talk about yes, yes,
but let's talk about if you seethem for who they are and what
you're seeing is disrespect andabuse and you understand you
can't and won't be able tochange that, then you then have
the power to take control andput yourself in a healthier
(22:16):
situation.
Outside of that, sitting backand hoping that person is going
to change is not acceptance.
They are who they are.
You cannot fix them.
If you sit back and see whothey are and you love them and
none of the behaviors are dealbreakers for you whatever your
(22:37):
deal breakers are and they'rejust things that really bug you
or you butt heads about, thenyou can decide what things you
need to set boundaries aroundSome situations that come up
with this acceptance thing.
Really, my thought and adviceis they need to put themselves
in a healthier situation.
It strikes chords of disrespectand abuse when people speak to
(23:04):
this.
I don't want to accept this.
In my life that's often comingup.
That is fine.
Don't accept it, move on.
That would be my advice formany of the situations.
For most of us, that's not thesituation we're in and we need
to learn to understand thesedifferences that we have, accept
these differences and learn towork within them.
(23:27):
That's what most of us aredealing with, and acceptance
doesn't mean you never ask forwhat you want.
Of course you do.
It just means you stop tryingto force this other person into
your mold.
The goal is to be able to workthrough setting and respecting
boundaries.
So let's talk about boundaries.
(23:47):
We're kind of going through thefunnel of acceptance and
understanding, seeing themreally where they're at.
Is this person who I want tospend my life with?
And if the answer is yes, thenwhat are the boundaries that we
need to set up?
Because setting boundaries inmarriage is important and it's
(24:08):
something that you and I havelearned as we've gone on.
People think of the wordboundaries and you suddenly
think I can't do this.
Speaker 2 (24:16):
I should do this.
I need to do this.
Speaker 1 (24:18):
You think like it's very restrictive.
Yes, that's right.
That's not really what we'rereferring to as far as
boundaries.
But let's talk about respectingboundaries or what they mean
exactly.
Some of the examples ofboundaries During arguments our
boundaries that we really workto check our defenses at the
door stay respectful.
If arguments go beyond that, weneed to take a break, start
(24:41):
again at a later time.
Our boundaries around intimacyis that we are understanding and
respecting that we are bothdifferent in our desire levels
and one person's view is notmore important than the other.
Your desire versus not havingas much desire doesn't mean you
get to win and we go all the wayyour way.
(25:02):
Our expectation is that we areboth working together to find a
happy medium where we can bothbe satisfied with our sex lives.
These are examples ofboundaries that we set and we
didn't specifically say theseare our boundaries, but we
certainly can.
Speaker 2 (25:17):
You brought up sex and our different sex drives and
I know that is a topic that somany people super struggle with
including us 100%.
Speaker 1 (25:28):
That changed when I began to respect and understand
the fact that you have a highdrive Instead of me, because
what I constantly was trying todo is hope and wish that that
would change about you and haveyou be more like me or stop
needing so much and stop beingwho you were and I felt the
(25:49):
exact same.
Speaker 2 (25:50):
And that is at one point.
You'll have a high sex driveand you'll want more.
You're trying to change thatabout me Trying to change that
about you, and so when you bringthe acceptance part of who I am
to the equation, it's so hardfor me to not go.
I accept you, meaning.
Speaker 1 (26:05):
I get you.
I understand I'm not trying tochange that about you.
I understand that is who youare and you understand I am
different than you and that'sokay.
Speaker 2 (26:15):
Let me ask you this Do you feel like people are
really gonna struggle with this?
Because when you did this, yougave no thought to oh, I'm gonna
do this for him, so he needs tostart doing this for me.
That was not how you broughtthat to the situation, but I
(26:37):
feel like a lot of people expectthat to happen.
I'm gonna accept him, so he hasto accept me, or I'm gonna
accept her.
She has to accept me, and Ifeel like maybe that's a setup
for a failure.
Speaker 1 (26:55):
Well, I think if you're setting any expectations
up, you're setting yourself upfor a very dangerous path.
Expectations are reallydangerous in marriage, but for
me and when we were workingthrough everything, all the
things were just things Ihonestly truly were working on
to improve myself.
I didn't in turn hope to haveyou somehow follow suit.
(27:19):
It was just me.
I was just really wanting to bethe better version of me and
with that it kind of had aripple effect to where you also
wanted to work on the samethings when you noticed they
were making a difference.
So I think if you're setting,if that's in your mind, you're
already setting yourself up forfailure.
(27:40):
The goal is to just work onyourself, I think, being the
best version of yourself thatyou can be.
However, you can talk aboutthese boundaries.
You can talk about these things, and I think the best place to
start is to start with what areyour deal breakers?
Has it down and have adiscussion together and talk
about what are the deal breakersin your marriage, what are the
(28:02):
things that you absolutelycannot let go of.
They are a must for you.
Talk about those, write thosedown.
Then you start to talk aboutwhat are the boundaries within
those musts.
For instance, even though wehaven't said this is a boundary,
we know this is a boundary.
(28:24):
If I don't make an effort forphysical intimacy, if you don't
feel like there is some efforton my end towards physical
intimacy, that's a deal breakerfor you.
You want to feel loved in thatphysical way.
Am I right there?
Speaker 2 (28:43):
Yeah, you're right, it's so hard.
It's like when you say it likethat, I was like, oh geez, that
sounds really harsh.
Speaker 1 (28:48):
But I don't mean it harsh.
I just mean that that's a truthfor you, that and we've been
through this because so that weknow this is an actual deal
breaker, because it almost brokeus on both ends If you're in a
relationship where you don'tfeel physically loved and again
I'm not putting any kind of likenumber on this or anything I'm
(29:11):
saying if you don't feel thatfrom me or effort from me in
some way, that's a space whereyou're then deciding or would
decide or had in the past.
Is this what I want?
Is this the relationship I want?
If I don't feel loved becauseyou feel loved most through
(29:32):
physical intimacy other ways aswell, obviously, but that's what
that comes down to for you.
Speaker 2 (29:38):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (29:39):
And for me, if I don't feel loved and it took me
a long time to put this intowords but if I don't feel loved
in ways outside of physicalintimacy, that's a deal breaker
for me.
That led me to asking is thiswhat I want?
I'm not getting what I need.
So that's an example ofboundaries that we've learned.
(30:01):
We need to understand andrespect that.
Physical intimacy is reallyimportant to you it's important
to me too, but not at the samelevel as you.
And emotional intimacy,intimacy outside of the bedroom
is important to me, it'simportant to you too, but not at
the same level.
So we've learned that we haveto understand that about each
(30:22):
other, accept that those thingsare important to each other and
then know hey, if we want to bein this relationship, we have to
.
Then work together to somehowmeet in the middle on those
needs Doesn't mean I gotta comeall the way your way or you
gotta come all the way mine.
It means that we understand andrespect this and we gotta find
(30:43):
our way to a happy medium,understanding this important
boundary in our marriage.
Speaker 2 (30:51):
Yeah, versus knowing this about each other and we're
not getting it from each otherand choosing to stay in the
relationship.
That would mean the definitionof settling.
Speaker 1 (31:03):
Exactly, truly, truly like being with somebody.
If you were somebody who wasn'twilling to put in the effort,
wasn't willing to see my side,if I wasn't willing to
understand that about you andjust stuck in, well, suck it up,
you know, like, oh well, you'renot doing what I want you to do
, so you're not gonna get it.
(31:24):
Yeah, if you're staying in thatplace and you're both unhappy
and you're unwilling, orsomebody's unwilling, to do the
work, then yeah, that issettling, which is still a
choice.
Speaker 2 (31:35):
Yeah, still a choice.
And this is the great thingabout this podcast what you
teach how you help people.
Because when we were goingthrough this, before you could
make the argument that we weresettling with each other because
we didn't know all of thisstuff behind it.
We didn't understand that thisis what you truly need.
(31:59):
And then, when we'd share itwith each other, we each had our
hands over our ears, going likeI'm not listening, you're not
giving it to me, I'm not givingit to you, you know.
Speaker 1 (32:07):
So we were settling in a way, and then you we were
stuck in a lot of bitterness andresentment that made us
unwilling to hear anything.
So if we just go back to aquick example around
communicating about money, theway I can approach it
differently is I can say, ifwe're needing to talk about it,
I can say babe, I understandwhen we talk about big purchases
(32:27):
it scares you and it can causea lot of anxiety for you, and I
really get that.
But we have to find our way tohappy medium around purchases
for Christmas.
We have a lot coming up and Ijust wanted to talk to you about
it and see how we can kind offind our way to a happy medium
so we're both happy.
Speaker 2 (32:46):
Isn't it incredible, like if you, just if somebody
came to you and talked aboutyour biggest fear or one of the
biggest fears, you walked aroundand said that to you?
Would it not be disarming?
I mean, it's such a disarmingstatement because you're telling
me in that statement youunderstand my fears, you
understand how I feel, but youalso have a need that we need to
(33:09):
think about and work towards.
Speaker 1 (33:11):
Yes, I'm still expressing that I want something
.
This is important to me, butwe're going to do it in a way
that comes from a place ofunderstanding and me accepting
that this is hard for you andthat's okay.
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (33:25):
So that's a perfect example of why we don't have big
fights over money anymore.
Because of the way you framethings now and the way we talk
about it now, because of thisunderstanding to what we still
disagree, of course and in thatconversation I could disagree.
Speaker 1 (33:40):
I could, but and I'm not always perfect at that, but
I am much quicker, especiallyaround money, to find my way to
that space.
Speaker 2 (33:49):
You're pretty darn perfect.
You really are.
You know you are.
I mean it's, and I'm braggingfor you because I'm the one
who's on the other end goingyeah, this is a fear, this is
terrible, but man, she's, shemakes so much sense and okay,
what do we do?
Tell me, how do we do this?
Speaker 1 (34:06):
I just want to say that this is really deep and
complicated work and there hasto be emotional maturity in
order to be able to do this, inorder to be able to find your
way to acceptance, in order tobe able to work through
challenges the way I just gaveexamples of, and you really have
(34:28):
to have a partner, like I have,who was willing to hear that
and who was willing to receivethat and who was willing to
reciprocate in his own way, thefact that you were able to just
do your own work, to see thatfor yourself, to be aware enough
of your own work that youneeded to do.
(34:50):
That's why we're here, becauseif it's a one-sided relationship
, it just doesn't work.
It just doesn't.
Speaker 2 (34:59):
Well, you would be settling, Settling.
Speaker 1 (35:02):
If your spouse and I hear this a lot if your spouse
is the person who is not willingto work on the relationship,
they just don't seem to care orput in the effort.
Acceptance means you see thatabout them, you're not trying to
change them into being somebodythey're not.
They're not suddenly going tobe somebody who cares and who
(35:24):
puts in the work and just doingit all and it's like 100% in.
That's not who they are.
So you're seeing that You'restopping to try to that effort
you've been putting in to try tofix and change them and then
you're in a place of power whereyou get to choose.
How are you you specificallymoving through this relationship
(35:47):
, moving out of the relationship?
What choices are you makingwith this information?
Maybe I just wrapped it up withthat.
Maybe that just made sense rightthen and there.
Speaker 2 (35:57):
That was the pin on it.
Speaker 1 (35:59):
So talk about your deal breakers which ones are you
not willing to give up on,which ones can you be more
flexible on?
And then come to someagreements about these deal
breakers.
What are the consequences ifwe're breaking these boundaries?
Like I said, if we need to takea break, if we're not making
any effort, our boundaries are.
We already know.
We've been at this point wherewe're not going to make it.
(36:21):
If we're not making the effort.
We know that.
So, and then it's really workingto be accountable and
understand that you're a team,you're working together to
respect these boundaries.
And if you're really strugglingin this space, reach out for
help.
Talk to a therapist to help youwork through this acceptance
phase, to work through settingboundaries in your relationship,
(36:43):
speaking for what you want,working as a team to reach this
level of understanding of eachother.
To wrap it all up, acceptanceisn't settling.
I'm not settling for you.
I'm understanding you and I'mrespecting that.
You're your own person and wework together to meet each other
(37:05):
where we are, and we also worktogether to be the best version
of ourselves that we can be, notbecause someone's you're trying
to force me into some kind ofmold, but because we love each
other and we both agree thatthis relationship is important
and it's worth it.
Speaker 2 (37:23):
Absolutely, that's it .
Speaker 1 (37:25):
I hope I that was a really long-winded way to come
to an understanding ofacceptance, but I feel it is a
complicated thing.
You'll hear about acceptance inBuddhism.
You hear it in many differentkinds of religious or spiritual
kind of talks.
It's a very, very importantconcept and for us it's been
(37:47):
vital to the health of ourrelationship.
So I urge you to work tounderstand your partner.
I urge you to really lean inand choose acceptance and then
build your boundaries from there.
Hope you all understand that.
Please send us emails if youhave any questions about this,
(38:08):
if you're wondering anythingspecific about this or you have
ideas that you'd like us toaddress in the future, and head
on over to Instagram.
You can see I'm putting updaily posts on our marriage, on
what makes it work and whathasn't worked, and some fun
stuff too, and I guess that'lldo it for today.
(38:31):
Babe.
Thank you so much for beinghere and being an awesome
partner, not only on thispodcast but in life.
Speaker 2 (38:38):
Thank you, baby, you're the best I love you.
You're the best, love you.
Speaker 1 (38:41):
And we'll talk to you next time on the Married and
Naked Podcast.
Bye, everybody.
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