Date Night Playbook - Naked Quickie - Episode 62

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Ever find yourself on a date night that's more squabble than sparkle? We certainly have.  
On this episode of the Married and Naked Podcast, we're letting you in on the secrets that switched our date nights from battlegrounds to bliss. 

We're talking about the game-changing playbook that we discovered that's allowed us to side-step the typical tiffs about the kids, the budget, and the never-ending to-do list and help us leave our date nights feeling close and connected.

Isn't that the whole point of date night anyway?

Discover our strategies for knocking date night out of the park.

Your marriage is worth it.  

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Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:00):
Sometimes we only have time for a quickie, so here
it is, your Naked Quickie.
Welcome in everyone to theMarried and Naked Podcast.
This is a Naked Quickie and I'mJoel and I'm joined by.
I feel like I'm on the radio.

Speaker 2 (00:17):
That was so formal.

Speaker 1 (00:18):
Yes, I was so, and please state your name.
You're not supposed to belaughing, Okay, sorry.
Yes, go ahead.
And your name?

Speaker 2 (00:26):
I'm hoping they know my name from the intro, but this
is Tammy.
I'm Tammy Green.

Speaker 1 (00:38):
Much better.
That's what I like hearing.
So the naked quickie yes.
The idea here is to put Tammyon the spot and ask her
something that she can give ussome wisdom, some advice on.
And we're going to make it alittle personal now.

Speaker 2 (00:46):
Okay.

Speaker 1 (00:46):
All right, so Tammy.

Speaker 2 (00:48):
Yes.

Speaker 1 (00:48):
Question for you is what are our date night rules?

Speaker 2 (00:55):
That sounds so like not fun, right?
What are your date night rules?
You have rules.

Speaker 1 (01:02):
Yes, we do Freaking, love them, go ahead.

Speaker 2 (01:07):
Well, I guess a little backstory about our date
night rules is that back in theday when we used to have date
night, and then it wasn't veryoften.
Obviously all those with kidsknow date nights can be really
challenging because it takestime to plan, it takes money,
you have to get a sitter, likeit's a big deal to go on a date,

(01:27):
and when we would go on thesedates, what would often wind up
happening is we come home and wewould feel more disconnected
than ever because on that datewe would have some kind of
argument or we would bickerabout something and we would
just leave it feeling sodisappointed.
And I honestly have no idea howthese came about, do you?

Speaker 1 (01:54):
I mean, I don't.
I feel like it all has to dowith the time that we got
intentional about our how wewere dealing with our
relationship.

Speaker 2 (02:02):
Sure, but I don't remember the genesis of it.
These are specific.

Speaker 1 (02:07):
Yes, they are.

Speaker 2 (02:08):
Along the way.
Somewhere we decided that ourdates needed to have specific
rules.
It's really a rule.
We need to keep certain thingsoff the table in our
communication on a date night Atthe time we had specific things
that were really big triggersfor us that we tended to argue

(02:30):
about a lot and I'm sure mostcouples can relate to just
having that same argument overand over and over.
These were those for us.
So we would argue about thekids.
We tended to argue about work,because you and I work together.
So it was a really big triggerpoint for us, and then we would
also argue about money.
So we decided that on thesedate nights we needed to take

(02:52):
those things off the tablebecause we realized it was just
destroying that time we werehaving together.
It was not allowing us toconnect or to have that feeling
of connection, and it's suchhard work getting that date
night and then you leave itfeeling disappointed.
So how could we navigate thesedate nights better to where we
left feeling connected?
And that was the idea that wecame up with.

(03:14):
Let's stop talking about all ofthe things that we wind up
arguing about.
Yeah, because they're landminesanytime we bring them up.

Speaker 1 (03:24):
Well, the question I'm sure that everyone is that's
listening to this is probablyasking is like what the heck do
you talk about?
Of course.

Speaker 2 (03:31):
that is the question and that's what led me to
looking up conversation starterson the internet.
I would, I would go on theinternet and try to find just
conversation starters, like ifyou're going on a first date,
you know, like what are theconversation starters that you
would bring, or icebreakers, youknow.
So I would look those kinds ofthings up and I would bring them

(03:53):
with us to our date night,usually print out like a list of
questions or something, and wewould ask each other these
really fun questions.
They would either be funquestions or they would be like
connecting questions, or maybethey would be sexy questions.
But we found that by askingeach other these questions
really helped us keepconversation off all those

(04:15):
landmines, but also verydirected on each other.
It helped us really keep afocus on each other and we just
had such a good time with them,right.

Speaker 1 (04:23):
No to this day.
We still do that, we still doit and we've been doing this for
I don't even know well over adecade.
Yeah, definitely well over adecade.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 (04:33):
Not every date night, but most probably that's like
our go-to is.

Speaker 1 (04:38):
we'll go and bust out some questions yeah, which I
think is funny, because you'reuh, if you don't follow tammy on
instagram, it's, you know,married and naked on instagram
and she.
You went mega viral withquestions right, right, right
yeah like 60 plus million viewson one of your posts with 10

(04:59):
questions that we've askedmultiple times, that we pull out
a lot, you know.

Speaker 2 (05:04):
Yeah.

Speaker 1 (05:05):
I think it's funny because obviously people online
were connecting to the samethings that you and I use in our
dates.

Speaker 2 (05:12):
Yeah, and I think the idea that sometimes dates can
be hard because you feel a lotof pressure.
You know, if you've worked sohard to get that time together,
then you feel pressure that it'sgot to be like this perfect
night.
You know it's got to go so well.
And then you start talkingabout the kids and then you have
different views about how tohandle whatever, or they don't
have the same response you wantthem to have, and then suddenly

(05:32):
you're in an argument and you'vekind of ruined that potential
good time together.
So I think it's a way of takingthe pressure off and just
really enjoying each other'scompany.

Speaker 1 (05:45):
Are there any other rules to our date nights?

Speaker 2 (05:48):
You tell me, are there any other rules?
That's our main one.

Speaker 1 (05:50):
That's the main one, and I feel like the other one is
taking expectations forintimacy out of the equation too
, you know, I'm the one whowe've said many times that I
have more of the drive than youdo, so I think that's more work
on my side than it is on yourside, but by me working on my
side to take all expectationsoff the table, it allows you to

(06:12):
feel relaxed I'm speaking foryou but it has such a freeing
effect on being together andconnecting, which is why we're
at the date to begin with.

Speaker 2 (06:23):
I would find myself not being able to enjoy those
nights because I was feeling somuch pressure about what was
going to be expected of me whenwe got home and it just didn't
go well, it didn't go well atall.
And it just didn't go well, itdidn't go well at all.
So the minute that pressure canbe off the table and say
tonight there's no expectationsfrom me, tim, we're just going

(06:44):
to go have a good time.
We don't need to have sex andmean it Absolutely.

Speaker 1 (06:48):
And mean it Absolutely.
If you don't mean it, thenyou're just lying, because you
fell in that too before.
I did when you would say it,but intimate moments at the end.

Speaker 2 (07:04):
So, yes, it has to be 100%, truly off the table.
And when I was, when you trulydid that, then I could lean into
really enjoying that time withyou, because my love language is
quality time.
So I felt always stripped ofthat quality time because I
always was feeling so muchpressure about needing to meet
your need of the physical touch.

Speaker 1 (07:26):
Yeah.

Speaker 2 (07:27):
Both equally valid, but yours tended to get more
attention than mine, yeah, so Ineeded to have time just for me
to be able to feel thatconnection with you.
And that's what a date night isfor me.
Not that you don't enjoy it,you do.
We have such a good timetogether.

Speaker 1 (07:42):
Yeah.

Speaker 2 (07:43):
But you're right, that is a crucial, crucial rule
for us.
Yeah, so you're right, that wasa good one.

Speaker 1 (07:51):
Any others.

Speaker 2 (07:51):
Well, I think another really good one is to make sure
that you are actually havingregular date nights, and those
don't have to look anyparticular way.
You and I used to have datenights at home after the kids
would go to bed, because goingout was so difficult when they
were young.
The point is you can call itwhatever you want.
We called it date night, butreally what it is is time to
focus one-on-one with each other.

(08:13):
It's quality face one-on-onetime with each other, no
distractions.
Put the phones down, turn thescreens off.
That's 100% what we would do.
This is not time for the movie.
This is not time to bescrolling your phones.
It's to really look each otherin the face, to have some good
conversations and to reallyconnect.
But, most importantly, makesure you're actually doing it.

(08:40):
Put it on the calendar, stickto it.
Don't push it down the road,because that is saying that your
relationship isn't importantand it needs to be a priority in
your life.

Speaker 1 (08:48):
Yeah, I mean, it doesn't have to be weekly, it
doesn't even have to be evenmonthly, as long as you, when
you pick a date, you actually doit right.

Speaker 2 (08:56):
Yeah, but I would recommend it being at least
monthly, but it should be everyother week.
As often as you can do it do it.

Speaker 1 (09:04):
I just didn't want people to feel bad if they're
not doing it that much.
You're right.

Speaker 2 (09:06):
But if you're not doing it that much, then I do
want to challenge you in askingare you prioritizing your
marriage?
Are you both feeling connected?
If you are, and somehow you'remanaging in that without needing
the actual official date night,great.
But most of the time whatyou'll find is that people who
are not having regular datenights do not feel connected,

(09:27):
they don't feel close to eachother, they feel distant, and
that's because they're notprioritizing their marriage.
So if that's where you're at,then those date nights do need
to become a priority there youhave it.
That was good, baby, I forgot wehad a lot of rules that I
wasn't even thinking about.
That's awesome.
Well there, you go.

Speaker 1 (09:40):
That's awesome.
Well, there you go.
I'm married to Naked Quickie.

Speaker 2 (09:43):
Thank you.

Speaker 1 (09:47):
We'll talk to you soon, everybody.