February 8, 2025 • 23 mins
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Sometimes, stepping back is necessary for growth. In this episode of the Married and Naked Podcast, we open up about the challenges that led to a much-needed break from social media and a nerve-wracking step into therapy.
From navigating personal struggles with aging parents to strengthening our marriage, we share insights on balance, boundaries, and resilience.
Tune in for an honest conversation about life’s unexpected turns and the power of self-care.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Welcome to the Married and Naked Podcast.
I'm Tammy, founder of the blogMarried and Naked, certified
sexuality coach and speaker.
Speaker 2 (00:07):
And I'm Joel, tv host , motivational speaker and the
guinea pig to the lessons you'reabout to learn.
Speaker 1 (00:13):
We're high school sweethearts, married over two
decades, and we're on a missionto help you create the marriage
you desire and deserve.
Let's get naked.
Welcome to the Married andNaked podcast.
Hi everybody, how are you,sweetie?
Speaker 2 (00:29):
I am good.
I like that intro.
That was fun, that was upbeatand I'm so excited and glad to
be back in the studio.
Did you have?
Speaker 1 (00:36):
coffee.
Speaker 2 (00:38):
I did.
Speaker 1 (00:39):
Ah, that's what's happening.
Okay, this is like take numberfour oh my and tell them why
it's.
Speaker 2 (00:44):
Take number four because you keep saying weird
things.
I'm not saying weird things,I'm just so excited to be back
in front of a microphone and Ijust want to keep talking and
you keep saying no, no, yourenergy is off the charts.
Speaker 1 (00:56):
I should have known.
Duh, you went to starbuckstoday I did I did, because we
haven't been here in a while.
We thought we'd do a littleupdate on what's going on in our
lives.
First and foremost, we're here,which obviously means the
podcast is still something thatwe care about and want to
continue to do.
It's just sometimes life hitsus in certain ways where we have
(01:21):
to take inventory of our lifeand what's going on, and
sometimes certain things have totake a backseat so that we can
survive.
Speaker 2 (01:30):
A hundred percent.
You know, I have to say, like,you have some, you have some
super fans.
I say you, we, we have somesuper fans out there, people who
are sending you emails saying,hey, when's the next podcast
coming out?
Where have you guys been?
Is everything okay?
Which is thank you guys.
So much for that.
You know who you are, thank you.
But not only did we take abreak from the podcast, but you
(01:52):
also took a break from socialmedia for a couple months and
you have super fans there sayingthe exact same thing, like, hey
, you haven't put out any postslately, is everything okay?
So thank you for that support.
We as a couple are okay.
We've just been going through alot of life lately and I like
how you put that.
We had to take an inventory ofthe most important stuff and
(02:14):
then have to deal with the whatwas directly in front of us.
Speaker 1 (02:18):
Yeah, for me, this was probably I don't know four
months ago or something likethat.
I feel like I hit a major wallof like overwhelm and extreme
stress and feeling unable tocope with everything going on in
(02:39):
our lives.
So you and I run severalbusinesses and sometimes we have
to look at the things that,like, financially, can take a
backseat and give our focus tothe things that can't like I was
kind of losing my mind and Ijust had to let it go, so I've
(03:09):
taken literally a I don't knowexactly the timeline, but I'm
thinking about a four monthhiatus from social media, and
I'm talking.
I have not been on the app atall.
Speaker 2 (03:24):
Yeah, it's kind of weird because we trade, you know
, social media posts a lot backand forth Like, hey, have you
seen this, have you seen that?
And um, I've sent you so manyover the last few months and
you're like, yeah, I haven't, Ihaven't looked at any of them.
And then I finally caught on oh, you're not only taking a break
from your own social media,you're taking a break from
social media.
Speaker 1 (03:48):
Yeah, a break from your own social media.
You're taking a break fromsocial media.
Yeah, I just needed to take abreak from the entire app
because being in there wouldmake me feel like, oh, I should
be posting, I should be serving.
I feel bad that I'm not therewith the followers or I haven't
posted new content.
I just needed to step back fromit altogether.
So today literally has been thefirst day I've been back in and
I went.
I went and looked at messagesand saw several people had
commented when are you?
(04:09):
I miss you.
I was worried about you.
Is everything okay?
And then I had a bajillion likevideos from my sister that I
needed to look through, whichwas a super fun way to get back
into it because she had sent mesuch fun reels to look at.
I feel a little bit nervousactually stepping back into it,
because it has been so long andit's nice to take a break.
(04:30):
It was actually really nice.
Speaker 2 (04:32):
You know.
I'm wondering how many otherpeople have done that.
I know before you decided totake that break, you had found
inspiration in a lady's postthat I guess did the same thing.
Speaker 1 (04:44):
Right.
Yes, that's right, I forgot you, yes.
Speaker 2 (04:47):
Yeah, and you were sharing, like I remember you
came to me because you're likehey, I really need a break.
I really like it wasdesperation for you and what do
you think?
And I'm like, oh, I don't knowbecause, I don't know Because me
taking a break affected you.
Speaker 1 (05:01):
We each have an Instagram page affected you.
We each have an Instagram page,so I run your page also.
So me taking a step backaffected you as well.
So it was a decision we had tomake together that you had to
support my need to step back,and you did, and I was really,
really appreciative of that.
But for me it came down to liketaking care of my mental health
(05:22):
.
I just did not feel healthymentally.
I really needed a break fromeverything.
Speaker 2 (05:28):
Yeah and grateful that you did because it was so
important for you to do that.
And then it became veryapparent like, wow, it was so
important for us that you didthat too.
Speaker 1 (05:39):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (05:39):
Yeah, personally speaking, forget the business,
just personally speaking, it'sgood to see you again.
Yeah, it's good to see youagain.
Yeah, it's good to see youagain.
Speaker 1 (05:47):
Yeah, I had a little bit of energy towards it today
and I saw people in there that Ihadn't seen in a while.
That messaged me and I was like, oh, it's so nice to see you
again and it is nice to feel aconnection with people, but I
didn't miss being in the app allthe time no-transcript.
Speaker 2 (06:34):
You just shared about you having to step out for your
own mental health and I'm goingto share that.
I started seeing a therapistfor the first time since I was a
teenager for my mental healthbecause of all that we've been
going through with my parents.
Speaker 1 (06:55):
Do you want to elaborate on that?
Speaker 2 (06:56):
Yeah, so gosh, it's so hard to talk about.
It really is when I'm sittingdown talking about it.
You know I'm sitting downtalking about it.
My parents both need support,both physically and mentally.
My mom is disabled.
She had a stroke in 2019.
And prior to the stroke, shehad a hip replacement.
(07:18):
In fact, it's not fair to sayshe had a hip replacement.
She's had over 33 surgeries onher joints and so she's had
multiple hips, both hipsreplaced, both knees replaced in
just a boatload of othersurgery.
And the older you get with allof those surgeries and ailments,
it becomes very hard tofunction like she did when she
(07:42):
was younger.
Speaker 1 (07:42):
Well, especially after a stroke, she lost much of
her strength in her right side,so she has very difficult time
getting dressed, getting up outof chairs.
She can't get up off the floorby herself, things like that.
Speaker 2 (07:55):
Yeah, I only referenced the hip surgery
because she actually had it lessthan 12 months before she had
her stroke and so she neverfully recovered from the hip
surgery and it just made it towhere she now walks with a
walker.
And unfortunately, while that'sbeen going on, my dad, my
stepdad, has been who.
They've been married for 40years, I think this year or next
(08:17):
year.
It's been in my life since Iwas 10.
My dad, his memory, has beendeclining for several years.
Speaker 1 (08:27):
We noticed it when she had the stroke.
That's when we started to payattention that something was off
.
Speaker 2 (08:31):
Yeah, and not everybody could recognize it
because he is thehappiest-go-lucky person in the
world, and so he would play offforgetting stuff by oh yeah,
yeah, yeah, yeah, I rememberthat, I remember that.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1 (08:42):
He's good at covering up things that he had forgotten
, yeah.
Speaker 2 (08:46):
He really is, is an expert at that, and was I'm
sorry, was an expert at that andyou know, few people outside of
the inner circle of his kidsand his family could actually
see it.
And as time has gone on it'sbecome more and more and more
evident to where now it is,unfortunately full-blown, severe
(09:09):
dementia, alzheimer's.
They are so young.
Both my parents are 71 and ahalf years of age.
It's heartbreaking to see thatmy mom can't rely on my dad and
my dad can't rely on my mom todo everyday functions.
First of all, we had caregiverswith them for several years now
(09:30):
and then that up.
You know, time gets up higherand higher to where they're 24
hour care.
Speaker 1 (09:35):
Cause your dad has progressed severely this year in
particular.
Speaker 2 (09:38):
Yeah, Just just progressively gotten I hate to
use the term worse and worse,but really it's worse and worse
and to where we finally decidedthat, wow, they need help beyond
one caregiver in the housebecause their needs were
(09:59):
separate.
It finally became clear whenthe agency that was assisting
them with the caregivingbasically reached out to us at
the end of the summer sayingthat you know, we're not sure
that the caregivers can providein their home and they
recommended seeking-.
Speaker 1 (10:17):
Assisted living, yeah , yeah.
Speaker 2 (10:18):
And so we made the decision-.
Speaker 1 (10:20):
With your mom's blessing.
Oh yeah, she was excited at theopportunity.
Speaker 2 (10:24):
It wasn't really us making the decision.
It was like, oh, my goodness,everything is coming in around
us and then sharing with momlike, hey, there might be an
opportunity for you to get thecommunity.
You need, the support you need24 hours, a lot of help and also
support for dad, and so lastOctober we moved him into
assisted living.
And with transitions like that,if you've ever gone through
(10:46):
that or if you're going throughthat, first of all, our heart
just completely goes out to you,because we know how
all-encompassing this is foreveryone, not just Tammy and I,
but our kids, my siblings, theirkids.
Speaker 1 (11:01):
It's all-encompassing because primarily we were in
charge of their care.
We were handling the caregivers.
Handling financial thingsreally have taken over managing
their lives for them.
So for us it wasall-encompassing, for sure, and
our children for sure.
You know siblings weren't ableto help due to location.
(11:22):
That's been what we've beendoing for years, and then having
to move them, which washeartbreaking and also relief at
the same time.
You know we cried but also like, okay, they're going to be safe
now.
That's really good.
And it's just been this reallyweird rollercoaster of emotions
(11:45):
and things are popping up allthe time that still need help
and you seem to even have a hardtime saying the word
Alzheimer's.
Speaker 2 (11:52):
I do.
I'm given a big story tobasically say that I needed some
additional support while thiswas going on.
Speaker 1 (12:01):
Why did you decide to see a therapist?
Speaker 2 (12:03):
Well, it was a combination of, really, my son
that kind of pushed me over theedge.
I just lost my cool one time,not at him, not at anyone, I
just lost it one day and my sonsaid to me by the way, he's just
turned 17.
He just said hey, dad, I reallythink maybe you should get some
(12:26):
help.
I mean, I was at my end andthen I started seeing a
therapist a few months ago andit was one of the greatest
decisions I ever made.
It really was.
I started learning tools andtricks to how to deal with
everything that was coming myway.
Speaker 1 (12:43):
Like your stress levels.
Speaker 2 (12:45):
Stress level and what I was going to allow to bother
me, you know.
Speaker 1 (12:50):
Like boundaries.
Speaker 2 (12:51):
Yeah, thank you.
I started learning aboutboundaries and why I had to
start having some.
So, yeah, it was such a greatdecision and that was weird
because it coincided exactly thesame time where you were.
Hey, I need to take a break offof social media.
I know we're sharing a lot withyou.
I guess this is kind of a wherehave we been, what's been going
(13:12):
on and, at the same time, howwe're dealing with everything.
Speaker 1 (13:15):
Well, the truth is, we haven't necessarily dealt
with everything.
Speaker 2 (13:18):
We're still dealing with it.
Speaker 1 (13:20):
Yeah, it's.
We're definitely in the middleof it.
I'm hoping things calm down alittle bit now that parents are
in a place that they like, theyhave care, they're safe, they've
got a button that they can pushif they have any kind of
emergencies and nurses are inthere right away.
It's a beautiful place.
We're happy with it.
They love the food, you know,like lots of activities,
(13:40):
community.
So it was a really harddecision for all of us,
including your mom, but I thinkfor everybody it's been the
right decision, and your mom wasjust telling a new potential
resident yesterday she loves theplace and she highly recommends
he come and stay there too.
So I think it's been a gooddecision.
But there's still so much thatgoes on with aging parents and
(14:05):
their care and getting callsthat people have fallen and
making doctor's appointments,and it's just a very surprising
turn of events in our life.
Speaker 2 (14:16):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (14:17):
And I think you don't .
Well, first of all, you don'timagine anybody in your life is
going to have Alzheimer's.
It's just the most horribledisease.
Not so much for your dad,because he doesn't seem to
realize what's happening anymore.
He's luckily a happy.
Like you said, he's a happy guy.
He likes to laugh and we couldtell them jokes.
And then you know, a fewminutes later you could tell him
(14:39):
the same joke and he justcracks up and but he's a great
audience for jokes right now.
Yeah but for the family it'sdevastating and I know many of
you out there are dealing withfamily members with dementia and
it's just a horrible thing tohave to witness someone you love
.
Speaker 2 (14:59):
No matter the age.
Like you said, it is horribleto be on this side of it.
Speaker 1 (15:06):
To witness somebody that you love disappear before
your eyes.
To know he's looking atespecially me.
He still knows your name but Iknow he looks at me and doesn't
know who I am.
He knows I'm a friendly facethat he sees a lot.
Speaker 2 (15:19):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (15:20):
Yeah, it's wild.
Speaker 2 (15:22):
It is wild.
So when Tammy said in thebeginning or at the top that you
know we had to take aninventory and decide on what's
we had to deal with our life andthis unfortunately or
fortunately, I don't know how wedecide that part, this has been
our life.
Speaker 1 (15:40):
Certainly this past year and this month has been
real rough.
So it is weird to start a yearwhere normally you feel like, oh
okay, this is a fresh start,and you know that's how you
always kind of feel about a newyear.
But really life doesn'tsuddenly stop and you get a
clean slate on January 1st.
You're in it.
Well, you just kind of continueto be in it.
Speaker 2 (16:01):
You know, I am curious for the listeners how
have we as a couple fared?
I mean, I'm asking you.
Speaker 1 (16:09):
You have the answer too, hey Tim how have you fared
as a spouse?
I think.
Overall, I think we've faredpretty well, and the only reason
that is is because we've laidsuch a foundation of work, of
learning how to support eachother, learning how to hear each
other, trying not to both belosing our minds at the same
(16:33):
time, which still happens, butthat's when it really gets bad
is when you and I are like bothin the dumps on the same time.
It's terrible.
Our ideal is that I can befunctioning at a decent level
and support you when you're inthe dumps, and vice versa, and
that's when we do our best.
I mean, I'm not going to lie,it's been extremely challenging,
(16:56):
but not so much on our marriage, thank goodness.
But had this happened, likeyears ago, when we were really
struggling, I don't know that wewould have survived.
This is so hard.
Speaker 2 (17:12):
You know it's an interesting observation you said
about.
You know, which we both knowlike when we're both in it, it's
hard to lean on each other whenwe're both Well you can't, we
can't.
Speaker 1 (17:20):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (17:21):
And when that decision for me to like?
okay, I really do need help isbecause not only did I have a
hard time leaning on you,because you were in it with me
and you were going through allthe stuff too.
I don't know that I wasanything for you, like it was,
so I was, so I mean, you know, Iwas lost and I couldn't offer
you anything either.
I'm a pretty positive guy, I'ma really positive guy, and I
(17:47):
literally was feeling like Icould not see any light and that
was scaring me to death.
And, believe me, I know there'speople out there going through
things that are much moremonumental than me just being a
son to my parents.
But it was really hard for me.
(18:09):
Who sees the positive ineverything?
My kids are constantly sayinghey, dad, you don't have to make
sunshine out of this orlemonade out of this, you know,
cause that's the kind of personI am, and I was really, really,
really struggling with that.
Where's the light?
And then I felt horrible foryou, like I can't offer you any
light, but I need your light,and your light was gone Dim too.
Speaker 1 (18:32):
So and on top of that , having a third party, I think
is so valuable.
(18:52):
Having somebody who's not inthe crap with you and can see
from a distance and kind of amacro view is so valuable.
It just it gave you so manytools that I couldn't
necessarily give you, becauseI'm in the muck with you Even
though I'm doing my best, Ican't do it like they can,
because they can see it in a waywhere they're not emotional
(19:15):
about it.
Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2 (19:18):
And, by the way, I'm still seeing the therapist.
Speaker 1 (19:20):
Yeah, it's wonderful.
Speaker 2 (19:21):
I'm literally like will I ever stop?
I'm asking that questionbecause it's not only done
wonderful, as I said, for toolsand tricks and boundaries, but
it's also it's just donewonderful for me.
Like I do have that sense ofsomething pops up.
You know what?
I'm going to talk to mytherapist on.
It's been kind of nice and I'mworking on old crap too in my
(19:44):
life that have been anchors inmy life.
It's been really really goodfor me.
Speaker 1 (19:48):
I think one of the great things about you and I've
known this through our marriageis you're yours.
You've always been somebody whowants to work on being the best
version of themselves that theycan be.
So you treat therapy is like,okay, we got to knock this out.
Like, how are we taking care ofthis?
Like right now, okay, I'mcoming in with this problem.
I expect, by the end of this,we done with this, right, we're
(20:11):
moving on to the next thing, butwhich truly is a little
unrealistic.
Speaker 2 (20:16):
but well, you want to say that, but I've been able to
take care of some major thingsthat were childhood things that
I didn't even.
Speaker 1 (20:24):
It is remarkable.
You have had some remarkable umprogress with your therapist
and I'm just very proud of you.
I really thought you wouldnever be somebody who would do
it just because of the moneyalone.
You never wanted to spend money.
Speaker 2 (20:40):
Well, and, by the way , that's one of the things.
Speaker 1 (20:41):
I've worked on.
It's so funny.
Speaker 2 (20:45):
Cause, she knows, I have a game plan, so I'm coming
out.
Okay, I'm going to work on thisover the next couple of weeks.
I'm going to work on this overthe next couple of weeks, I'm
going to work on it.
So I want to like oh, I get themost bang for your buck.
Well, yeah, and I can solvethese things that have been
weighing me down forever.
Once I saw the first one cometo fruition, it was like, oh, my
(21:06):
goodness.
Speaker 1 (21:06):
Yeah, that's amazing babe.
Speaker 2 (21:08):
So, anyways, all that to say that we're still in it,
I've got support, you've had abreak and you've created
boundaries for yourself as well.
Speaker 1 (21:19):
I'm working on taking care of myself, because I don't
do that very good because I amso focused on everybody else.
But that is my nature is tojust worry about everything
around me and then feel likedoing things for me or taking
time away from work or whatever.
I mean there's so much guiltmom guilt, wife guilt, work,
(21:42):
guilt you know just all thisguilt I'm trying to work on and
I'm I'm nowhere near havingfigured this out how to set
boundaries for myself so that Ican have a day or two, or know
how to say this is my time and Ideserve to focus on me and let
everybody else's problems gojust for a little bit so I could
(22:02):
take care of myself.
So we're both working on it.
Speaker 2 (22:06):
It's so great that you have been doing that.
Speaker 1 (22:09):
Well, I'm proud of you, I'm proud of us.
We're still here.
We're still here, we're stillstanding.
We've been support for yourfamily.
We're supporting each otherthrough it.
We're going to get through it.
For everybody out there who isstruggling with aging parents
and possibly dementia or all thelist of things that go on or
could go on when you have agingparents, our heart goes out to
(22:32):
you.
Yeah, um, we know exactly whatyou're going through and hang in
there and we'll keep updatingyou just to let you know what's
going on here.
And feel free to do the same.
Share your stories with us.
You can email us at married inthe letter, in naked atmailcom.
Tell us about your stories orany thoughts or questions you
(22:56):
might have about this particulartopic.
Thank you for sharing and beingvulnerable, babe.
Speaker 2 (23:01):
Thank you.
Speaker 1 (23:03):
And we'll talk to you next time on the Married and
Naked podcast.
Bye, everybody.
Welcome to the Married and Naked Podcast.
I'm Tammy, founder of the blogMarried and Naked, certified
sexuality coach and speaker.
Speaker 2 (00:07):
And I'm Joel, tv host , motivational speaker and the
guinea pig to the lessons you'reabout to learn.
Speaker 1 (00:13):
We're high school sweethearts, married over two
decades, and we're on a missionto help you create the marriage
you desire and deserve.
Let's get naked.
Welcome to the Married andNaked podcast.
Hi everybody, how are you,sweetie?
Speaker 2 (00:29):
I am good.
I like that intro.
That was fun, that was upbeatand I'm so excited and glad to
be back in the studio.
Did you have?
Speaker 1 (00:36):
coffee.
Speaker 2 (00:38):
I did.
Speaker 1 (00:39):
Ah, that's what's happening.
Okay, this is like take numberfour oh my and tell them why
it's.
Speaker 2 (00:44):
Take number four because you keep saying weird
things.
I'm not saying weird things,I'm just so excited to be back
in front of a microphone and Ijust want to keep talking and
you keep saying no, no, yourenergy is off the charts.
Speaker 1 (00:56):
I should have known.
Duh, you went to starbuckstoday I did I did, because we
haven't been here in a while.
We thought we'd do a littleupdate on what's going on in our
lives.
First and foremost, we're here,which obviously means the
podcast is still something thatwe care about and want to
continue to do.
It's just sometimes life hitsus in certain ways where we have
(01:21):
to take inventory of our lifeand what's going on, and
sometimes certain things have totake a backseat so that we can
survive.
Speaker 2 (01:30):
A hundred percent.
You know, I have to say, like,you have some, you have some
super fans.
I say you, we, we have somesuper fans out there, people who
are sending you emails saying,hey, when's the next podcast
coming out?
Where have you guys been?
Is everything okay?
Which is thank you guys.
So much for that.
You know who you are, thank you.
But not only did we take abreak from the podcast, but you
(01:52):
also took a break from socialmedia for a couple months and
you have super fans there sayingthe exact same thing, like, hey
, you haven't put out any postslately, is everything okay?
So thank you for that support.
We as a couple are okay.
We've just been going through alot of life lately and I like
how you put that.
We had to take an inventory ofthe most important stuff and
(02:14):
then have to deal with the whatwas directly in front of us.
Speaker 1 (02:18):
Yeah, for me, this was probably I don't know four
months ago or something likethat.
I feel like I hit a major wallof like overwhelm and extreme
stress and feeling unable tocope with everything going on in
(02:39):
our lives.
So you and I run severalbusinesses and sometimes we have
to look at the things that,like, financially, can take a
backseat and give our focus tothe things that can't like I was
kind of losing my mind and Ijust had to let it go, so I've
(03:09):
taken literally a I don't knowexactly the timeline, but I'm
thinking about a four monthhiatus from social media, and
I'm talking.
I have not been on the app atall.
Speaker 2 (03:24):
Yeah, it's kind of weird because we trade, you know
, social media posts a lot backand forth Like, hey, have you
seen this, have you seen that?
And um, I've sent you so manyover the last few months and
you're like, yeah, I haven't, Ihaven't looked at any of them.
And then I finally caught on oh, you're not only taking a break
from your own social media,you're taking a break from
social media.
Speaker 1 (03:48):
Yeah, a break from your own social media.
You're taking a break fromsocial media.
Yeah, I just needed to take abreak from the entire app
because being in there wouldmake me feel like, oh, I should
be posting, I should be serving.
I feel bad that I'm not therewith the followers or I haven't
posted new content.
I just needed to step back fromit altogether.
So today literally has been thefirst day I've been back in and
I went.
I went and looked at messagesand saw several people had
commented when are you?
(04:09):
I miss you.
I was worried about you.
Is everything okay?
And then I had a bajillion likevideos from my sister that I
needed to look through, whichwas a super fun way to get back
into it because she had sent mesuch fun reels to look at.
I feel a little bit nervousactually stepping back into it,
because it has been so long andit's nice to take a break.
(04:30):
It was actually really nice.
Speaker 2 (04:32):
You know.
I'm wondering how many otherpeople have done that.
I know before you decided totake that break, you had found
inspiration in a lady's postthat I guess did the same thing.
Speaker 1 (04:44):
Right.
Yes, that's right, I forgot you, yes.
Speaker 2 (04:47):
Yeah, and you were sharing, like I remember you
came to me because you're likehey, I really need a break.
I really like it wasdesperation for you and what do
you think?
And I'm like, oh, I don't knowbecause, I don't know Because me
taking a break affected you.
Speaker 1 (05:01):
We each have an Instagram page affected you.
We each have an Instagram page,so I run your page also.
So me taking a step backaffected you as well.
So it was a decision we had tomake together that you had to
support my need to step back,and you did, and I was really,
really appreciative of that.
But for me it came down to liketaking care of my mental health
(05:22):
.
I just did not feel healthymentally.
I really needed a break fromeverything.
Speaker 2 (05:28):
Yeah and grateful that you did because it was so
important for you to do that.
And then it became veryapparent like, wow, it was so
important for us that you didthat too.
Speaker 1 (05:39):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (05:39):
Yeah, personally speaking, forget the business,
just personally speaking, it'sgood to see you again.
Yeah, it's good to see youagain.
Yeah, it's good to see youagain.
Speaker 1 (05:47):
Yeah, I had a little bit of energy towards it today
and I saw people in there that Ihadn't seen in a while.
That messaged me and I was like, oh, it's so nice to see you
again and it is nice to feel aconnection with people, but I
didn't miss being in the app allthe time no-transcript.
Speaker 2 (06:34):
You just shared about you having to step out for your
own mental health and I'm goingto share that.
I started seeing a therapistfor the first time since I was a
teenager for my mental healthbecause of all that we've been
going through with my parents.
Speaker 1 (06:55):
Do you want to elaborate on that?
Speaker 2 (06:56):
Yeah, so gosh, it's so hard to talk about.
It really is when I'm sittingdown talking about it.
You know I'm sitting downtalking about it.
My parents both need support,both physically and mentally.
My mom is disabled.
She had a stroke in 2019.
And prior to the stroke, shehad a hip replacement.
(07:18):
In fact, it's not fair to sayshe had a hip replacement.
She's had over 33 surgeries onher joints and so she's had
multiple hips, both hipsreplaced, both knees replaced in
just a boatload of othersurgery.
And the older you get with allof those surgeries and ailments,
it becomes very hard tofunction like she did when she
(07:42):
was younger.
Speaker 1 (07:42):
Well, especially after a stroke, she lost much of
her strength in her right side,so she has very difficult time
getting dressed, getting up outof chairs.
She can't get up off the floorby herself, things like that.
Speaker 2 (07:55):
Yeah, I only referenced the hip surgery
because she actually had it lessthan 12 months before she had
her stroke and so she neverfully recovered from the hip
surgery and it just made it towhere she now walks with a
walker.
And unfortunately, while that'sbeen going on, my dad, my
stepdad, has been who.
They've been married for 40years, I think this year or next
(08:17):
year.
It's been in my life since Iwas 10.
My dad, his memory, has beendeclining for several years.
Speaker 1 (08:27):
We noticed it when she had the stroke.
That's when we started to payattention that something was off
.
Speaker 2 (08:31):
Yeah, and not everybody could recognize it
because he is thehappiest-go-lucky person in the
world, and so he would play offforgetting stuff by oh yeah,
yeah, yeah, yeah, I rememberthat, I remember that.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1 (08:42):
He's good at covering up things that he had forgotten
, yeah.
Speaker 2 (08:46):
He really is, is an expert at that, and was I'm
sorry, was an expert at that andyou know, few people outside of
the inner circle of his kidsand his family could actually
see it.
And as time has gone on it'sbecome more and more and more
evident to where now it is,unfortunately full-blown, severe
(09:09):
dementia, alzheimer's.
They are so young.
Both my parents are 71 and ahalf years of age.
It's heartbreaking to see thatmy mom can't rely on my dad and
my dad can't rely on my mom todo everyday functions.
First of all, we had caregiverswith them for several years now
(09:30):
and then that up.
You know, time gets up higherand higher to where they're 24
hour care.
Speaker 1 (09:35):
Cause your dad has progressed severely this year in
particular.
Speaker 2 (09:38):
Yeah, Just just progressively gotten I hate to
use the term worse and worse,but really it's worse and worse
and to where we finally decidedthat, wow, they need help beyond
one caregiver in the housebecause their needs were
(09:59):
separate.
It finally became clear whenthe agency that was assisting
them with the caregivingbasically reached out to us at
the end of the summer sayingthat you know, we're not sure
that the caregivers can providein their home and they
recommended seeking-.
Speaker 1 (10:17):
Assisted living, yeah , yeah.
Speaker 2 (10:18):
And so we made the decision-.
Speaker 1 (10:20):
With your mom's blessing.
Oh yeah, she was excited at theopportunity.
Speaker 2 (10:24):
It wasn't really us making the decision.
It was like, oh, my goodness,everything is coming in around
us and then sharing with momlike, hey, there might be an
opportunity for you to get thecommunity.
You need, the support you need24 hours, a lot of help and also
support for dad, and so lastOctober we moved him into
assisted living.
And with transitions like that,if you've ever gone through
(10:46):
that or if you're going throughthat, first of all, our heart
just completely goes out to you,because we know how
all-encompassing this is foreveryone, not just Tammy and I,
but our kids, my siblings, theirkids.
Speaker 1 (11:01):
It's all-encompassing because primarily we were in
charge of their care.
We were handling the caregivers.
Handling financial thingsreally have taken over managing
their lives for them.
So for us it wasall-encompassing, for sure, and
our children for sure.
You know siblings weren't ableto help due to location.
(11:22):
That's been what we've beendoing for years, and then having
to move them, which washeartbreaking and also relief at
the same time.
You know we cried but also like, okay, they're going to be safe
now.
That's really good.
And it's just been this reallyweird rollercoaster of emotions
(11:45):
and things are popping up allthe time that still need help
and you seem to even have a hardtime saying the word
Alzheimer's.
Speaker 2 (11:52):
I do.
I'm given a big story tobasically say that I needed some
additional support while thiswas going on.
Speaker 1 (12:01):
Why did you decide to see a therapist?
Speaker 2 (12:03):
Well, it was a combination of, really, my son
that kind of pushed me over theedge.
I just lost my cool one time,not at him, not at anyone, I
just lost it one day and my sonsaid to me by the way, he's just
turned 17.
He just said hey, dad, I reallythink maybe you should get some
(12:26):
help.
I mean, I was at my end andthen I started seeing a
therapist a few months ago andit was one of the greatest
decisions I ever made.
It really was.
I started learning tools andtricks to how to deal with
everything that was coming myway.
Speaker 1 (12:43):
Like your stress levels.
Speaker 2 (12:45):
Stress level and what I was going to allow to bother
me, you know.
Speaker 1 (12:50):
Like boundaries.
Speaker 2 (12:51):
Yeah, thank you.
I started learning aboutboundaries and why I had to
start having some.
So, yeah, it was such a greatdecision and that was weird
because it coincided exactly thesame time where you were.
Hey, I need to take a break offof social media.
I know we're sharing a lot withyou.
I guess this is kind of a wherehave we been, what's been going
(13:12):
on and, at the same time, howwe're dealing with everything.
Speaker 1 (13:15):
Well, the truth is, we haven't necessarily dealt
with everything.
Speaker 2 (13:18):
We're still dealing with it.
Speaker 1 (13:20):
Yeah, it's.
We're definitely in the middleof it.
I'm hoping things calm down alittle bit now that parents are
in a place that they like, theyhave care, they're safe, they've
got a button that they can pushif they have any kind of
emergencies and nurses are inthere right away.
It's a beautiful place.
We're happy with it.
They love the food, you know,like lots of activities,
(13:40):
community.
So it was a really harddecision for all of us,
including your mom, but I thinkfor everybody it's been the
right decision, and your mom wasjust telling a new potential
resident yesterday she loves theplace and she highly recommends
he come and stay there too.
So I think it's been a gooddecision.
But there's still so much thatgoes on with aging parents and
(14:05):
their care and getting callsthat people have fallen and
making doctor's appointments,and it's just a very surprising
turn of events in our life.
Speaker 2 (14:16):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (14:17):
And I think you don't .
Well, first of all, you don'timagine anybody in your life is
going to have Alzheimer's.
It's just the most horribledisease.
Not so much for your dad,because he doesn't seem to
realize what's happening anymore.
He's luckily a happy.
Like you said, he's a happy guy.
He likes to laugh and we couldtell them jokes.
And then you know, a fewminutes later you could tell him
(14:39):
the same joke and he justcracks up and but he's a great
audience for jokes right now.
Yeah but for the family it'sdevastating and I know many of
you out there are dealing withfamily members with dementia and
it's just a horrible thing tohave to witness someone you love
.
Speaker 2 (14:59):
No matter the age.
Like you said, it is horribleto be on this side of it.
Speaker 1 (15:06):
To witness somebody that you love disappear before
your eyes.
To know he's looking atespecially me.
He still knows your name but Iknow he looks at me and doesn't
know who I am.
He knows I'm a friendly facethat he sees a lot.
Speaker 2 (15:19):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (15:20):
Yeah, it's wild.
Speaker 2 (15:22):
It is wild.
So when Tammy said in thebeginning or at the top that you
know we had to take aninventory and decide on what's
we had to deal with our life andthis unfortunately or
fortunately, I don't know how wedecide that part, this has been
our life.
Speaker 1 (15:40):
Certainly this past year and this month has been
real rough.
So it is weird to start a yearwhere normally you feel like, oh
okay, this is a fresh start,and you know that's how you
always kind of feel about a newyear.
But really life doesn'tsuddenly stop and you get a
clean slate on January 1st.
You're in it.
Well, you just kind of continueto be in it.
Speaker 2 (16:01):
You know, I am curious for the listeners how
have we as a couple fared?
I mean, I'm asking you.
Speaker 1 (16:09):
You have the answer too, hey Tim how have you fared
as a spouse?
I think.
Overall, I think we've faredpretty well, and the only reason
that is is because we've laidsuch a foundation of work, of
learning how to support eachother, learning how to hear each
other, trying not to both belosing our minds at the same
(16:33):
time, which still happens, butthat's when it really gets bad
is when you and I are like bothin the dumps on the same time.
It's terrible.
Our ideal is that I can befunctioning at a decent level
and support you when you're inthe dumps, and vice versa, and
that's when we do our best.
I mean, I'm not going to lie,it's been extremely challenging,
(16:56):
but not so much on our marriage, thank goodness.
But had this happened, likeyears ago, when we were really
struggling, I don't know that wewould have survived.
This is so hard.
Speaker 2 (17:12):
You know it's an interesting observation you said
about.
You know, which we both knowlike when we're both in it, it's
hard to lean on each other whenwe're both Well you can't, we
can't.
Speaker 1 (17:20):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (17:21):
And when that decision for me to like?
okay, I really do need help isbecause not only did I have a
hard time leaning on you,because you were in it with me
and you were going through allthe stuff too.
I don't know that I wasanything for you, like it was,
so I was, so I mean, you know, Iwas lost and I couldn't offer
you anything either.
I'm a pretty positive guy, I'ma really positive guy, and I
(17:47):
literally was feeling like Icould not see any light and that
was scaring me to death.
And, believe me, I know there'speople out there going through
things that are much moremonumental than me just being a
son to my parents.
But it was really hard for me.
(18:09):
Who sees the positive ineverything?
My kids are constantly sayinghey, dad, you don't have to make
sunshine out of this orlemonade out of this, you know,
cause that's the kind of personI am, and I was really, really,
really struggling with that.
Where's the light?
And then I felt horrible foryou, like I can't offer you any
light, but I need your light,and your light was gone Dim too.
Speaker 1 (18:32):
So and on top of that , having a third party, I think
is so valuable.
(18:52):
Having somebody who's not inthe crap with you and can see
from a distance and kind of amacro view is so valuable.
It just it gave you so manytools that I couldn't
necessarily give you, becauseI'm in the muck with you Even
though I'm doing my best, Ican't do it like they can,
because they can see it in a waywhere they're not emotional
(19:15):
about it.
Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2 (19:18):
And, by the way, I'm still seeing the therapist.
Speaker 1 (19:20):
Yeah, it's wonderful.
Speaker 2 (19:21):
I'm literally like will I ever stop?
I'm asking that questionbecause it's not only done
wonderful, as I said, for toolsand tricks and boundaries, but
it's also it's just donewonderful for me.
Like I do have that sense ofsomething pops up.
You know what?
I'm going to talk to mytherapist on.
It's been kind of nice and I'mworking on old crap too in my
(19:44):
life that have been anchors inmy life.
It's been really really goodfor me.
Speaker 1 (19:48):
I think one of the great things about you and I've
known this through our marriageis you're yours.
You've always been somebody whowants to work on being the best
version of themselves that theycan be.
So you treat therapy is like,okay, we got to knock this out.
Like, how are we taking care ofthis?
Like right now, okay, I'mcoming in with this problem.
I expect, by the end of this,we done with this, right, we're
(20:11):
moving on to the next thing, butwhich truly is a little
unrealistic.
Speaker 2 (20:16):
but well, you want to say that, but I've been able to
take care of some major thingsthat were childhood things that
I didn't even.
Speaker 1 (20:24):
It is remarkable.
You have had some remarkable umprogress with your therapist
and I'm just very proud of you.
I really thought you wouldnever be somebody who would do
it just because of the moneyalone.
You never wanted to spend money.
Speaker 2 (20:40):
Well, and, by the way , that's one of the things.
Speaker 1 (20:41):
I've worked on.
It's so funny.
Speaker 2 (20:45):
Cause, she knows, I have a game plan, so I'm coming
out.
Okay, I'm going to work on thisover the next couple of weeks.
I'm going to work on this overthe next couple of weeks, I'm
going to work on it.
So I want to like oh, I get themost bang for your buck.
Well, yeah, and I can solvethese things that have been
weighing me down forever.
Once I saw the first one cometo fruition, it was like, oh, my
(21:06):
goodness.
Speaker 1 (21:06):
Yeah, that's amazing babe.
Speaker 2 (21:08):
So, anyways, all that to say that we're still in it,
I've got support, you've had abreak and you've created
boundaries for yourself as well.
Speaker 1 (21:19):
I'm working on taking care of myself, because I don't
do that very good because I amso focused on everybody else.
But that is my nature is tojust worry about everything
around me and then feel likedoing things for me or taking
time away from work or whatever.
I mean there's so much guiltmom guilt, wife guilt, work,
(21:42):
guilt you know just all thisguilt I'm trying to work on and
I'm I'm nowhere near havingfigured this out how to set
boundaries for myself so that Ican have a day or two, or know
how to say this is my time and Ideserve to focus on me and let
everybody else's problems gojust for a little bit so I could
(22:02):
take care of myself.
So we're both working on it.
Speaker 2 (22:06):
It's so great that you have been doing that.
Speaker 1 (22:09):
Well, I'm proud of you, I'm proud of us.
We're still here.
We're still here, we're stillstanding.
We've been support for yourfamily.
We're supporting each otherthrough it.
We're going to get through it.
For everybody out there who isstruggling with aging parents
and possibly dementia or all thelist of things that go on or
could go on when you have agingparents, our heart goes out to
(22:32):
you.
Yeah, um, we know exactly whatyou're going through and hang in
there and we'll keep updatingyou just to let you know what's
going on here.
And feel free to do the same.
Share your stories with us.
You can email us at married inthe letter, in naked atmailcom.
Tell us about your stories orany thoughts or questions you
(22:56):
might have about this particulartopic.
Thank you for sharing and beingvulnerable, babe.
Speaker 2 (23:01):
Thank you.
Speaker 1 (23:03):
And we'll talk to you next time on the Married and
Naked podcast.
Bye, everybody.
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