May 19, 2025 • 32 mins
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What if the classic marriage advice we’ve all heard is just the beginning? In this episode, Joel and I dive into some of the most out-of-the-box tips our listeners have shared—and we’re giving our honest take on whether they helped or hurt our own relationship.
From surprising suggestions to unconventional truths, we're unpacking what actually works (and what doesn’t) when it comes to real-life love. If you’re over the one-size-fits-all advice and ready for something real, this episode is for you.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:01):
Welcome to the Married and Naked Podcast.
I'm Tammy, founder of the blogMarried and Naked, certified
sexuality coach and speaker.
Speaker 2 (00:08):
And I'm Joel, tv host , motivational speaker and the
guinea pig to the lessons you'reabout to learn.
Speaker 1 (00:13):
We're high school sweethearts, married over two
decades, and we're on a missionto help you create the marriage
you desire and deserve.
Let's get naked.
Welcome to the Married andNaked podcast.
Hi, sweetheart.
Speaker 2 (00:26):
Hey, my love how are you?
I'm doing excellent today, yes.
Speaker 1 (00:32):
Your baby blues are sparkling.
Speaker 2 (00:34):
Oh, very sweet, Thank you.
I will say I'm doing excellentbecause I had a day off today,
which is, you know, and Ibelieve me, I know I have a very
privileged and some would saycush, quote, unquote job.
You know, dare even call it a,you know jobs.
Speaker 1 (00:55):
Yeah, but you do work hard.
I do work hard.
It's just in an unusual way.
Wait, dude, let's just recap,just in case, what it is you're
talking about.
We are entrepreneurs, so wehave several kind of jobs, but
the job you're referring toright now, that you're kind of
in the middle of, is I doassemblies at elementary schools
, fourth and fifth grade.
Speaker 2 (01:16):
historical reenactments I have for 30 years
and those assemblies led to ourtelevision show that we
produced for about 20 years,Curiosity Quest, which led to
our local program, Inland EmpireExplorer, which we still have.
Tons of social media.
We still do a lot of work onsocial media for that as well.
Speaker 1 (01:34):
Yeah, a large portion of your day you are dressed up
as Paul Revere or as JamesMarshall the founder of gold.
I think people do think it'sfunny when you tell them, like
you're laughing at it too.
But it is funny becausesometimes when you're practicing
, you walk in through the houseand you're in your costume.
Speaker 2 (01:54):
You must do dress rehearsals.
Speaker 1 (01:56):
Yes, always.
So my husband does have a veryweird job.
But when you created yourselfand you've been doing for 30
years and schools have you backyear after year after year after
year, 25, 30 years later, youhave adults coming up to you
saying oh man, I remember whenyou came to my school and you
did the fourth grade assemblyand we panned for gold.
(02:18):
Anyway, it's a cool, you have acool job, but you are in the
midst of it right now and it'sexhausting.
Speaker 2 (02:24):
Well, you know it's funny.
You should say what you justsaid, because next week my
furthest travel week that I doand one of the schools I'm going
to.
I've been going to this schoolevery single year since 1997.
That's almost 30 years.
That's crazy, with theexception of the COVID year 2020
.
But one of the teachers at thatschool was a student who saw
(02:46):
the fourth grade assembly whenthey were there at that school,
which is so awesome.
Speaker 1 (02:51):
That's cool, but also dang.
We're old.
Speaker 2 (02:56):
Yeah, but all that to say, I actually had a blank
calendar on my day and it waslike, oh, this is so good.
So I'm not complaining becauseI know what I do is not like I
said.
It's it's.
It's not really work, it's, I'mgoing to put on a show every
day for kids and you still workhard for those kids.
But I love it, I love it, so Ihad a day off.
It was so nice.
And so what do we do on a dayoff?
Speaker 1 (03:16):
we record podcast our day off is a day off.
Speaker 2 (03:22):
Absolutely.
Speaker 1 (03:22):
It's something you enjoy.
Speaker 2 (03:24):
I love it and we got to spend a little time
unexpected time together andit's been nice.
Speaker 1 (03:29):
It's been nice, very nice.
Yeah, I just posted a videotoday on my Instagram on the
Married and Naked Instagram,asking followers to share with
me their most out of the boxmarriage advice Not the typical
stuff that you hear like neverstop dating or never go to bed
angry, but like kind of thequirky stuff that we don't
(03:49):
really talk about.
And I have a lot coming inright now.
But I thought maybe we wouldshare some of the advice people
are sharing and our thoughts onit today.
And inevitably I did get I dohave so far a lot of the more
traditional kind of advicecoming in, which is fine.
(04:10):
Advice is advice and I think wecan all use advice.
Sometimes you know certainthings are going to hit you when
you, hopefully when you need it, and all the advice we can get
the better.
But I thought I'd read a coupleof the ones that I did, like
Somebody said a king-size bedtogether, vacations and separate
vacations, which I really liked, that one.
Speaker 2 (04:31):
Oh, that's perfect.
Speaker 1 (04:33):
Yeah, we do have a king-size bed, which I would
100% agree to.
Speaker 2 (04:37):
Yeah, when we go to hotels with a queen and it's
small.
Yeah, and we're not here toknock on people who have a
smaller bed or cannot fit a kingsize bed in the room.
But when you go to a king sizeand then you then of course take
a lot of together vacations.
Speaker 1 (04:50):
But I also especially take separate vacations.
I don't really call itvacations, but kind of like
(05:11):
getaways right, where I go awayfor a few days on my own, or
also like I go on a girl's tripand I encourage you to do the
same.
You're just not as apt to do it, but you have taken some times
where you take a few days byyourself, and I absolutely agree
.
I think both are very, veryimportant.
Speaker 2 (05:31):
Well, and part of why I don't do this is exactly what
I just said.
I'm literally taking a tripnext week by myself.
Speaker 1 (05:38):
You travel for work.
Sometimes that takes you away,yeah.
Speaker 2 (05:41):
So I'm going to be gone for six, five nights, yeah.
Speaker 1 (05:44):
I get that.
Somebody said never stoppranking your spouse.
Speaker 2 (05:50):
That's not my vibe, don't you dare.
Who said that?
Speaker 1 (05:54):
I don't think that'll work in this relationship.
Speaker 2 (05:57):
I love that.
Speaker 1 (05:58):
I, like this one, never fight on an empty stomach.
You just might be hangry on anempty stomach.
You just might be hangry.
Speaker 2 (06:06):
I mean.
Speaker 1 (06:07):
I think that's brilliant advice when I am
hungry or hangry because I doget hangry I don't know that you
ever get hangry like me, no,but I absolutely do.
You know that, of course,nothing can get accomplished in
those times and I'm definitelygoing to have an edge to me that
I don't have on a normal basis.
Speaker 2 (06:28):
Last night we were driving home from my parents and
I literally said to you hey,can you tell me when my wife's
going to be back?
Speaker 1 (06:36):
Because I was hungry.
Speaker 2 (06:37):
Yes, and then you mentioned, oh, I haven't eaten
anything.
I'm like, oh, okay, that's why,and then what I do?
I shut down.
Speaker 1 (06:46):
You shut down or no?
Speaker 2 (06:47):
I went to quiet mode to to not not aggravate you.
Speaker 1 (06:52):
Oh, okay, you didn't shut down, you just didn't keep
poking, because we're stillhaving conversation and
everything.
But you weren't poking meintentionally at things that
were going to drive me crazy,knowing that I was very hangry.
Speaker 2 (07:06):
When we say poking, it's just me talking.
Speaker 1 (07:08):
Yes.
Speaker 2 (07:09):
So I shut down.
I'm correct, you're notContinue on.
Speaker 1 (07:14):
It says argue in the nude.
That way it's more difficult tobail and run.
I've seen people say this, butI mean honestly, I would never
be able to like think about thatin the moment when we're
arguing.
Speaker 2 (07:28):
Like strip down.
Speaker 1 (07:29):
Yeah.
We should totally do it, I'msure it works.
Let's totally do it.
You can't do anything butprobably laugh, right.
Speaker 2 (07:37):
But then that may create a different argument Like
wait a minute, what are youlaughing at?
But no.
Speaker 1 (07:44):
That's great.
I liked this advice Say thething you're most afraid of
saying.
Speaker 2 (07:50):
That's good.
It's funny because you alwayssay what's the real reason why
you're feeling this way?
So you're kind of getting downto that.
You're like no, no, tell mewhat's the real, what's the
underlying.
Let's get to the bottom of this.
Speaker 1 (08:06):
Yeah, I think you and I have, I mean, I would say
pretty good communication towhere we're pretty comfortable
saying the hard things, but backin the day I think that that
was hard for us to do.
So I think what this is sayingis say the things that are hard
to say, because if you don't saythem, you can't work through
any of those things.
You have to be willing to saythe things that you're scared to
(08:30):
say, that are potentially goingto hurt feelings or potentially
going to maybe cause anargument, and hopefully you can
approach those in a way that's ahealthy way.
But that's the only way toreally, you know, create the
marriage you want to have andnot have all these unresolved
(08:50):
resentments and issues that justkind of pile up.
You got to be willing to saythose things, so I really liked
that one.
The other one I really like isthe opposite thinking, and we've
talked about this before Go tobed even if you're angry.
What do you think about thatone?
Speaker 2 (09:07):
Well, I, you know, we've had a lot of discussions
on this topic, because it issuch a I even call it a cliche
to say that Don't go to bedangry.
Unfortunately, you alreadybrought up the hangry part, the
other characteristic that youthis is specific to me.
Well, it's our relationship.
Yeah, so yes.
Speaker 1 (09:25):
Which is true.
What we say is not true foreverybody, it's just true for us
.
Speaker 2 (09:29):
Absolutely.
Which is true.
What we say is not true foreverybody, it's just true for us
, absolutely.
When you get to a certain pointof being tired, you are and I
don't say this rudely you'reuseless.
I mean, you're useless to you,to me to anyone.
Speaker 1 (09:41):
Absolutely, I agree, yeah.
Speaker 2 (09:43):
Yeah, your thoughts aren't correct.
Whereas me, I could just keepgoing and going and going and
going, and you can't.
Whereas when you have somesleep and we wake up in the
morning, your thoughts are clear, your mind's clear and our
conversations are always ahundred thousand percent better
in the morning, when you've hadsome sleep.
Speaker 1 (10:04):
Yeah, and we had trouble with this in the
beginning because you alwayswanted to fix it that night,
like you didn't want it to carryon at all because I heard the
cliches well, and also youdidn't want to carry on
arguments.
you just don't, you just want itto be done.
And you're a fixer.
You're like I just got, we gotto fix this, we got to be done,
and I would just be like I can't, I can't, and then the last
(10:27):
thing you wanted to do is haveto go through it again the next
day, which I totally understand,but also I can't do it right
now, and it just made it worseand worse and worse, and things
just don't get accomplished inthe right way when I'm tired.
Speaker 2 (10:41):
Yeah, so for us you're right Not going.
Speaker 1 (10:44):
I mean, that's something that people always say
it's okay to go to bed angryyeah, For us.
It's definitely okay to go tobed angry yeah For us, it's
definitely okay to go to bedangry.
Speaker 2 (10:49):
Absolutely it's.
Actually.
Speaker 1 (10:50):
it has served us a heck of a lot better than trying
to argue this one out when yeah, and for other people it's been
absolutely the opposite, andthat's great, but for us
specifically yeah, because of meit doesn't work that way.
Speaker 2 (11:06):
Well, you know we say you know I'm pointing the
finger at you and I'm saying buttruly, it's us that we're just
not built that way.
I'm built to be a one side,You're built to be the other.
So that doesn't mean it's yourfault, it's just we're just not
built that way.
Yeah, so I've learned over timethat it's so much, it's just
such a.
Okay, we'll work on this in themorning.
(11:26):
Yeah, One other one I wanted topoint out on here was separate
bathrooms seriously.
And I only say that because justyesterday I saw a post I was on
TikTok where the lady wassaying I finally got a sleep
(11:46):
divorce with my husband.
And it took me by surpriseSleep divorce, what the heck is
she talking about?
And then, of course, the videogoes into saying my husband and
I now have separate rooms and,of course, I wanted to hear the
whole video because I had thislingering fear that we are
heading that way because ofwhat's starting to happen to me.
I don't know what's happening,but I'm starting to snore.
Speaker 1 (12:05):
Not starting to.
You've always snored.
It's just increasing and notstopping.
Speaker 2 (12:12):
Yeah, and you already said you are a light sleeper
and it's not a good combinationfor our relationship.
And so you have been getting upunbeknownst to me and going to
our couch.
We're very blessed, we have alarge bedroom that has a couch
in it and you're going to lay onthe couch.
And then I wake up in themorning time and I'm like, oh
wait, a minute, my wife's not,she's laying on the couch, gosh,
(12:32):
dang it.
So I'm like, so afraid thatwe're heading for a sleep
divorce.
And all I can tell fromwatching this video and she was,
it's working for them.
Apparently she's very proud,but the video was highlighting
how you recognize some otherproblems in your relationship
you didn't have when you have asleep divorce.
And then she turned the videoon the room and the room was a
(12:53):
mess and she goes.
I always blame my husband formaking a mess, and now I
realized the mess was mine.
Speaker 1 (12:58):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (13:00):
So anyhow.
Speaker 1 (13:01):
I think separate bathrooms is maybe a different
issue than separate bedrooms.
The people that I know thathave separate bedrooms it is
specifically for that reason,because of the snoring.
So if you do have somebodywho's a light sleeper and
somebody who snores and theycan't help it, I mean it's not
like it's your fault.
Those are the reasons, WhereasI think the bathroom is probably
(13:23):
just space and mess and thatkind of thing.
You and I don't really have anissue with that.
I don't have an issue withshared space with you.
Speaker 2 (13:32):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (13:33):
But unfortunately, yeah, I do struggle with the
sleeping.
It definitely affects my sleep.
Speaker 2 (13:38):
Yeah, and I just, I feel awful.
Speaker 1 (13:41):
I know you do, it's not your fault so.
Speaker 2 (13:42):
I've tried.
I've already got the nosestrips.
Those aren't working.
I have a family member who hadmentioned that.
They have a family member whohad mentioned that they had a.
They have a snoring problem andthey have this new thing that
they're trying and it's beenworking.
So I I'm I've got to order thatto see if that helps.
But oh my gosh.
Speaker 1 (13:58):
We'll figure it out, baby, we'll figure it out.
Speaker 2 (14:01):
Always be your spouse's porn star.
If you won't, someone else will.
Hmm, hmm, hmm.
I don't know what to make aboutthat comment.
I mean I get what he's.
I say I say it's he because itlooks like a gentleman who wrote
that, but I get the thoughtprocess behind that that you're.
Speaker 1 (14:32):
I think this is what they're saying is make sure that
you're meeting each other'sneeds and desires sexually.
But also I think it could be.
I just feel like a womanshouldn't have to be acting like
a porn star in order to feellike that's the only way to make
their spouse happy, and I feellike that's dangerous ground to
where somebody feels like theyhave to be like that in order to
(14:53):
make their partner happy.
A healthy sexual relationshipgoes both ways.
So you know, if that's whereyou're at and that's what you
enjoy and you like that personaor that feeling of it, great.
But also, yeah, maybe some.
Speaker 2 (15:12):
And you've had the conversations where you both
understand each other at thatlevel.
It's not a expectation, that'snot understood in your
relationship.
You just wanna make sure thatyou're communicating about stuff
like that.
Speaker 1 (15:29):
Yeah, or is my marriage threatened if I don't
act a certain way for my spouseor have to put on some kind of
show or persona?
I think that that's just alittle bit touchy and dangerous.
But also it is really importantto work to meet each other's
sexual needs.
But, as I was saying, you needto work together for that and
not have to feel like you haveto be somebody that you're not.
Speaker 2 (15:52):
Don't criticize your spouse in front of others.
Yeah, you know, I saw that oneand I'm like I just couldn't
even imagine doing that.
But again, we're not in a placewhere we might feel that.
But you hear that a lot.
I mean, I've seen it.
I've literally bared witness toit.
I'm just like, like talk aboutmaking me feel cringe that
(16:16):
somebody's putting down theirspouse in front of you know
another person.
God, it's such an uncomfortablefeeling.
Yeah, it's such anuncomfortable feeling.
Speaker 1 (16:27):
I totally agree.
Like it says, don't criticizeyour spouse in front of others.
Maybe to a therapist if youabsolutely need to, but I hate
hearing people talk down abouttheir spouses.
Yeah, that's not a fun thing tobe.
I think you know.
Being able to talk to yourgirlfriends and I don't know if
guys do this or not but beingable to talk through things with
(16:47):
your girlfriends aboutsomething that's happening at
home, I feel like that's okay,like we all need people in our
lives that are safe place for usto talk through things.
If you're mad at your husbandand like I need advice or help,
I just need to like vent thisoff.
I feel like that should be okay.
But I feel like there is areally fine line where it's like
(17:08):
I'm just putting my husbanddown for the sake of doing so.
Speaker 2 (17:11):
Yeah, and what you're saying?
I don't think it's what they'resaying.
Speaker 1 (17:15):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (17:15):
Yeah, I mean, it's a totally different.
We've literally bared witnessto somebody just literally
laying into this person is the.
I don't want to repeat whatthey said, but you know I mean
how, yeah, what a horrible.
They can't do that.
They can't do that.
They're in front of a group ofpeople Like what are you doing?
Speaker 1 (17:33):
And also the things that we, you know, that I share
or I talk about with friends orwhatever.
It's not stuff I'm not going tosay, things that I wouldn't
feel comfortable saying to youas well.
Speaker 2 (17:48):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (17:48):
I think that that's a different line as well.
Like if I'm going to vent tothem or I need to talk about
something, I would tell you orbe fine with telling you yeah,
we talked about what we wentthrough and this is what I said,
or this is what we talked about, or this is the thoughts they
had, Not that I'm saying youhave to do that.
You know each relationship hastheir own thing, but for us, if
(18:11):
I'm going down that road ofneeding to talk to my sister or
something, I'm certainly notgoing to be saying things that I
would not want you to know.
Speaker 2 (18:20):
Right, right, yeah.
Don't yell at each other unlessthe house is on fire.
I don't know if I could do that.
Speaker 1 (18:29):
Then our house has been on fire a lot.
Speaker 2 (18:34):
Look, I love the comments and if these are the
things that you guys are, youknow, obviously, if they're
putting these up here, this isthe advice that they're.
Speaker 1 (18:41):
It works for you, if it works 100%.
Speaker 2 (18:43):
Yeah, in fact I was trying to think.
I think we know a couple thatnever, ever raised their voice
or yelling, and I don't know.
I just didn't grow up in thathousehold.
Speaker 1 (18:54):
Well, no, you certainly didn't.
Well, I didn't either.
Speaker 2 (18:57):
Yeah, no, no, certainly not.
Remember what you bring in.
The relationship is oftentimesand usually a reflection of how
you grew up or your surroundingsof how you grew up, what you
learned, what you learned of howyou grew up or your
surroundings of how you grew upand what you learned.
What you learned.
And, my goodness, even to thisday, I don't think my mom knows
how to have a conversationwithout raising her voice.
Speaker 1 (19:16):
No, she does not.
Speaker 2 (19:18):
We just had it the last night.
Speaker 1 (19:21):
And I'm always like offended by her doing that and
you're like, oh, this is justhow it goes in my house, Like
it's fine, Even yesterday you'relike you know mom makes me so
uncomfortable.
Speaker 2 (19:31):
Well, you don't have to say that to him.
Like why are you doing that?
Like looking at you, like whatwould she say?
Like I'm not even hearing it,cause it's just noise.
Oh my gosh, did you read theone I'm reading?
Speaker 1 (19:43):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (19:44):
Bros, when you want to get even just tighten all the
jars in the fridge, she'lleither do without or break down
and ask for help.
Speaker 1 (19:54):
I did see that in a.
It was a funny video, but whenhe says it I'm like no, no, no,
that's not funny.
But I did see that in like atick tock video like some way to
get uh her to talk to him, likeafter the silent treatment.
Oh, and you know what she he,he went and tightened her
(20:14):
stanley cup really tight and Iwas like, oh, I feel you that
stanley can be really hard toopen I mean, don't get me wrong,
it's hilarious, but I I don'tknow if that's advice yeah, I
think we're walking fine lineshere sometimes.
Speaker 2 (20:28):
Yeah, yeah, I mean we're looking at the.
I love the creativity thatpeople are putting out here,
though it's great.
Speaker 1 (20:35):
I like this one.
Tell me what you think.
A happy marriage isn't 50-50,it's 60-40, where both parties
strive to be the 60.
Speaker 2 (20:43):
Oh, I love that one.
I like that because I feel likesometimes, when you start
thinking of 50-50, oh, yourresponsibility, my
responsibility and I, you know,we got to share this, we got to
share that I feel it gets into akeeping score kind of a thing.
I was like, okay, did I takeour son?
Did you take our son?
Did you do pick this up?
Did I pick this up?
Do we make this, do we makethat?
(21:04):
And versus oh no, I just needto be, I'm speaking for me.
Oh, I just need to show up andbe better and do more and offer
more.
And it's not like oh, I'vealready done my part, so that's
it, so you got to do yours.
Speaker 1 (21:19):
Yeah, yeah, I hear what you're saying.
I like that.
It's like a scorekeeping.
Yeah, exactly.
Speaker 2 (21:31):
It's almost like oh no, I just, I'm just going,
going to keep showing up.
Now you don't have that problembecause we made it very crystal
clear on this entire podcastYou're a people pleaser, so you
always show up, always do 60%.
Speaker 1 (21:37):
I wouldn't say always , but you.
Speaker 2 (21:39):
No, we'd have to find some once in a.
You know moon change that youhaven't shown up more, so I like
that a lot.
That's.
That's really good.
Speaker 1 (21:49):
Brene Brown says that a marriage isn't 50-50.
A marriage changes all the time, like sometimes it might be
70-30 or 60-40 or 10-90,depending on what is going on in
your lives and that they,according to her, like would
(22:11):
work on saying you know, I'm ata 30 today, so that your spouse
knows oh okay, I need to step upa little bit and cover the
other 70%, because you'restruggling today, or I can give
way more today, or I got youtoday, which I think is a really
interesting way to look at it,because it's not always 50, 50
(22:32):
and it's absolutely right.
Some days I can't do it.
Speaker 2 (22:35):
Yeah, you got migraines, you're down.
Speaker 1 (22:43):
Not just that I'm just if I'm overly tired or
whatever, I've got stress goingon in my life or my mom's sick,
or your mom is sick, or you'relike you're working so hard
right now or whatever Like I'mnot going to have the same
expectations of you that I mighthave when days where nothing's
going on and everything's kindof chill and I'm going to try to
pick up for you or you're goingto try to pick up for me.
So I think that that's aninteresting way to look at it.
So, but I liked that view thatthis person's saying too.
Speaker 2 (23:06):
Yeah, that's a great one.
I really, I really liked that.
It's funny because I neverreally think about it in terms
of percentages.
Yeah, I really don't but, but,but to put that out there, I can
see why it's important.
Don't but to put that out there, I can see why it's important
to think of it as percentages ifyou are in the keeping score
mindset.
Speaker 1 (23:24):
Well, and also that's not a great mindset to be in.
Yeah, you're right.
Speaker 2 (23:28):
Nevermind what I said .
Drop what I just said, ifyou're keeping score.
Speaker 1 (23:31):
We got big, big problems here yeah.
We got to work on yeah.
Speaker 2 (23:35):
Oh, I like this one.
If there's a problem, work onyourself first.
Speaker 1 (23:42):
I think that's such a good one, and one I know you
and I really really work on, andI'm always preaching that if
something is really going on oryou're really struggling in a
relationship, the first place tolook is at yourself.
And I'm not saying your partnerdoesn't have work to do.
They do, but you can't.
You can't change your partner,you can't fix your partner.
(24:03):
The only thing that you can dois work on yourself, and every
time we have an argument andthings start going awry, we
start like losing it.
That's where I will go likeokay, what am I doing in it?
That's where I will go Likeokay, what am I doing?
That's helping this situationget out of control.
(24:24):
How am I going to reel?
Speaker 2 (24:25):
this back in.
You know you had the fourpillars of the ultimate marriage
, which one of them isaccountability.
So when I start to feel man, Ijust wish you would just get or
understand or see my point.
When I start asking thosequestions, I feel like that is
my trigger to go oh, wait, asecond, what am I doing here?
(24:49):
What am I bringing to this?
And then I start going throughan account.
Okay, how am I making thissituation harder?
What am I doing so?
I'm literally likeinternalizing it.
Speaker 1 (25:00):
When you're saying the four pillars.
Those are things that wediscovered after a really tough
time in our marriage.
It took us like a year, yearand a half, to kind of rebuild
our marriage and when we lookedback we could see like really
distinct things that helped usreally save our marriage.
And one of those things wasaccountability.
(25:20):
When we started being moreaccountable, particularly in our
arguments, we saw a hugepositive shift in our
relationship.
So that's I know what you'retalking about when you're
talking about the pillars, andaccountability was is a huge
part of our life and somethingwe are always working on
practicing.
And it is so difficult, it's sodifficult to choose to not point
(25:48):
a finger and look inwardinstead.
I think it's one of the mostdifficult things to do.
When you're pointing a finger,all you're going to do is
perpetuate an argument.
Nothing is going to do.
When you're pointing a finger,all you're going to do is
perpetuate an argument.
Nothing is going to get solvedwhen you are pointing a finger.
We have learned this 100% inour relationship.
So, instead of doing thatbecause it doesn't work, look at
(26:10):
yourself.
What can you do?
What have you done tocontribute to where you are?
What mistakes do you need toown up.
Even if they're the tiniestlittle things, what can you
apologize for, man?
That is just massive power increating a positive relationship
, creating a healthyrelationship.
Speaker 2 (26:30):
Yeah, we did a very deep dive very early on in our
episodes on this podcast.
I mean, we're talking aboutepisode nine, 10, 11, and 12,
where you literally broke downsecret one, secret two, secret
three, secret four to asuccessful and ultimate marriage
.
So if you want to revisit thosepast episodes I mean they were
(26:52):
very early on in this podcast-yeah, maybe things we need to
revisit yeah.
Speaker 1 (26:56):
Because, those really are the pillars that we do live
by still.
Speaker 2 (26:59):
And those are when you go to speak to mom groups,
as you've done recently, alwaysthe four that I talk about.
Always the four.
Speaker 1 (27:04):
Which the other ones are.
You said it's accountability,appreciation, acceptance and
connection.
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (27:11):
Well, we just gave them away.
But you could still go back andrevisit episodes.
Speaker 1 (27:14):
Yeah, there's lots of things we learned within those
about how to accomplish thosepillars.
Speaker 2 (27:19):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (27:20):
But they are the things that we hold true to our
foundation of our marriage.
Speaker 2 (27:24):
I like this one.
Hold each other tightly,closely and know that you are
not each other's enemy.
Focus on the why and not thewhat they are saying, and you'll
find the root of the problem.
Speaker 1 (27:39):
I like the part about focusing on the why, not the
what and how I interpret that iswhen you and I can recognize
that the argument is not usuallyabout what we're actually
arguing about.
It's much deeper than that.
So it's not about the dishes,it's not about chores, or it's
not about you know why aren't wehaving sex tonight or whatever.
It's not about that.
So it's not about the dishes,it's not about chores, or it's
not about you know why aren't wehaving sex tonight or whatever.
(28:00):
It's not about that.
What it's, there's alwayssomething that's underlying that
, and usually it is like anunmet need or it's a fear that's
underlying that, like my fearof not being enough is what
often shows up for me, but itmight show up in a way that
looks like me misinterpretingsomething that you say, and then
(28:24):
we go down a road of argumentwhen it had nothing to do with
what we're going down anargument.
It just has to do with the factthat I didn't hear what you
said.
I interpreted it as you tellingme I'm not enough.
Right hear what you said, Iinterpret it as you telling me
I'm not enough Right, and youmight have the same thing if I
(28:47):
don't give you the rightreaction when you come home, or
like when you lean in for a kissor something and maybe I'm not
like fully present and you takemaybe offense to that.
Well, it's not really aboutthat.
What that is representing toyou is maybe this fear that you
don't love me or you're gonnaleave me.
Speaker 2 (29:02):
so which tammy and I are disclosing our like deepest
fears and the things thatusually underlying, underlines
our arguments.
Speaker 1 (29:11):
We've been able to get to those things and when we
can remember those in anargument, what that does is
allows us to have compassion foreach other.
It's like, oh okay, this Joel'sfeeling like, or thinking that
I'm saying I don't love him, orhe's feeling unloved, or he's
feeling like a fear that I'mgoing to abandon him.
(29:34):
It gives me compassion andallows me to move through that
conversation or that conflict ina much different way.
Speaker 2 (29:42):
I'll tell you what you want to have a different
conversation with your spousewhen it comes to arguments,
disagreements, things that areailing you.
Focus on that.
Why are they feeling this way?
Speaker 1 (29:54):
It's really about digging deeper, Like what is
really going on here?
Why am I feeling triggered here?
Why, every single time thistopic comes up, we go into a
spiral.
Why do we fight about moneyevery single time?
What is really happening here,really happening here?
(30:15):
We used to have that fight allthe time and then one day I
realized that the fight wasn'tabout you trying to control me,
which is what I thought it wasabout.
What you were really trying todo was protect your family and
not have them be without, likeyou were as a child man, when I
had that epiphany and realizedthat's what's happening.
We didn't fight about thatanymore.
(30:36):
Why?
Because I had that epiphany andrealized that's what's
happening.
We didn't fight about thatanymore.
Why?
Because I can look at you andbe like oh, I understand why
that's coming up for you.
We still don't agree, but wedon't have to argue about it
like we did.
I don't agree with you aboutall the money choices you want
to make and vice versa, but itallowed me to have so much
compassion for why you feel theway you do.
Speaker 2 (30:58):
It's a completely different disagreement now.
Speaker 1 (31:00):
Totally, it's not even.
I don't know if you can call ita disagreement, but maybe.
But it's a controlled one whereit's more a conversation.
Right, we're not arguing oryelling at each other like we
used to about it, so that'sreally powerful.
Speaker 2 (31:13):
It is.
Speaker 1 (31:13):
Yeah, that feels like a really good one to end on.
Well, this was fun.
I didn't expect to go down thisroad.
I thoroughly enjoyed hearingyour thoughts on it.
You know, reading through themwith you and hearing your
thoughts on them and having alittle discussion about each one
.
So you can check out that poston the Married and Naked
Instagram page it's married inthe letter, N naked.
Speaker 2 (31:37):
Yeah, and you look like you're dipping some tea in
a cup with some words on top ofit.
Speaker 1 (31:41):
Oh, yeah, tea bag, yeah yeah.
Yeah, you're right, it's just aquestion, but it's fun to hear
everybody's answers.
Everybody's relationship isdifferent, you know.
That's fun to hear what is whatworks for you.
You know, and we can all learnfrom each other.
That'll do it.
(32:03):
That's a wrap.
Speaker 2 (32:03):
Thank you so much for being here and we'll talk to
you next time on the Married andNaked podcast.
Bye, everybody.
Welcome to the Married and Naked Podcast.
I'm Tammy, founder of the blogMarried and Naked, certified
sexuality coach and speaker.
Speaker 2 (00:08):
And I'm Joel, tv host , motivational speaker and the
guinea pig to the lessons you'reabout to learn.
Speaker 1 (00:13):
We're high school sweethearts, married over two
decades, and we're on a missionto help you create the marriage
you desire and deserve.
Let's get naked.
Welcome to the Married andNaked podcast.
Hi, sweetheart.
Speaker 2 (00:26):
Hey, my love how are you?
I'm doing excellent today, yes.
Speaker 1 (00:32):
Your baby blues are sparkling.
Speaker 2 (00:34):
Oh, very sweet, Thank you.
I will say I'm doing excellentbecause I had a day off today,
which is, you know, and Ibelieve me, I know I have a very
privileged and some would saycush, quote, unquote job.
You know, dare even call it a,you know jobs.
Speaker 1 (00:55):
Yeah, but you do work hard.
I do work hard.
It's just in an unusual way.
Wait, dude, let's just recap,just in case, what it is you're
talking about.
We are entrepreneurs, so wehave several kind of jobs, but
the job you're referring toright now, that you're kind of
in the middle of, is I doassemblies at elementary schools
, fourth and fifth grade.
Speaker 2 (01:16):
historical reenactments I have for 30 years
and those assemblies led to ourtelevision show that we
produced for about 20 years,Curiosity Quest, which led to
our local program, Inland EmpireExplorer, which we still have.
Tons of social media.
We still do a lot of work onsocial media for that as well.
Speaker 1 (01:34):
Yeah, a large portion of your day you are dressed up
as Paul Revere or as JamesMarshall the founder of gold.
I think people do think it'sfunny when you tell them, like
you're laughing at it too.
But it is funny becausesometimes when you're practicing
, you walk in through the houseand you're in your costume.
Speaker 2 (01:54):
You must do dress rehearsals.
Speaker 1 (01:56):
Yes, always.
So my husband does have a veryweird job.
But when you created yourselfand you've been doing for 30
years and schools have you backyear after year after year after
year, 25, 30 years later, youhave adults coming up to you
saying oh man, I remember whenyou came to my school and you
did the fourth grade assemblyand we panned for gold.
(02:18):
Anyway, it's a cool, you have acool job, but you are in the
midst of it right now and it'sexhausting.
Speaker 2 (02:24):
Well, you know it's funny.
You should say what you justsaid, because next week my
furthest travel week that I doand one of the schools I'm going
to.
I've been going to this schoolevery single year since 1997.
That's almost 30 years.
That's crazy, with theexception of the COVID year 2020
.
But one of the teachers at thatschool was a student who saw
(02:46):
the fourth grade assembly whenthey were there at that school,
which is so awesome.
Speaker 1 (02:51):
That's cool, but also dang.
We're old.
Speaker 2 (02:56):
Yeah, but all that to say, I actually had a blank
calendar on my day and it waslike, oh, this is so good.
So I'm not complaining becauseI know what I do is not like I
said.
It's it's.
It's not really work, it's, I'mgoing to put on a show every
day for kids and you still workhard for those kids.
But I love it, I love it, so Ihad a day off.
It was so nice.
And so what do we do on a dayoff?
Speaker 1 (03:16):
we record podcast our day off is a day off.
Speaker 2 (03:22):
Absolutely.
Speaker 1 (03:22):
It's something you enjoy.
Speaker 2 (03:24):
I love it and we got to spend a little time
unexpected time together andit's been nice.
Speaker 1 (03:29):
It's been nice, very nice.
Yeah, I just posted a videotoday on my Instagram on the
Married and Naked Instagram,asking followers to share with
me their most out of the boxmarriage advice Not the typical
stuff that you hear like neverstop dating or never go to bed
angry, but like kind of thequirky stuff that we don't
(03:49):
really talk about.
And I have a lot coming inright now.
But I thought maybe we wouldshare some of the advice people
are sharing and our thoughts onit today.
And inevitably I did get I dohave so far a lot of the more
traditional kind of advicecoming in, which is fine.
(04:10):
Advice is advice and I think wecan all use advice.
Sometimes you know certainthings are going to hit you when
you, hopefully when you need it, and all the advice we can get
the better.
But I thought I'd read a coupleof the ones that I did, like
Somebody said a king-size bedtogether, vacations and separate
vacations, which I really liked, that one.
Speaker 2 (04:31):
Oh, that's perfect.
Speaker 1 (04:33):
Yeah, we do have a king-size bed, which I would
100% agree to.
Speaker 2 (04:37):
Yeah, when we go to hotels with a queen and it's
small.
Yeah, and we're not here toknock on people who have a
smaller bed or cannot fit a kingsize bed in the room.
But when you go to a king sizeand then you then of course take
a lot of together vacations.
Speaker 1 (04:50):
But I also especially take separate vacations.
I don't really call itvacations, but kind of like
(05:11):
getaways right, where I go awayfor a few days on my own, or
also like I go on a girl's tripand I encourage you to do the
same.
You're just not as apt to do it, but you have taken some times
where you take a few days byyourself, and I absolutely agree
.
I think both are very, veryimportant.
Speaker 2 (05:31):
Well, and part of why I don't do this is exactly what
I just said.
I'm literally taking a tripnext week by myself.
Speaker 1 (05:38):
You travel for work.
Sometimes that takes you away,yeah.
Speaker 2 (05:41):
So I'm going to be gone for six, five nights, yeah.
Speaker 1 (05:44):
I get that.
Somebody said never stoppranking your spouse.
Speaker 2 (05:50):
That's not my vibe, don't you dare.
Who said that?
Speaker 1 (05:54):
I don't think that'll work in this relationship.
Speaker 2 (05:57):
I love that.
Speaker 1 (05:58):
I, like this one, never fight on an empty stomach.
You just might be hangry on anempty stomach.
You just might be hangry.
Speaker 2 (06:06):
I mean.
Speaker 1 (06:07):
I think that's brilliant advice when I am
hungry or hangry because I doget hangry I don't know that you
ever get hangry like me, no,but I absolutely do.
You know that, of course,nothing can get accomplished in
those times and I'm definitelygoing to have an edge to me that
I don't have on a normal basis.
Speaker 2 (06:28):
Last night we were driving home from my parents and
I literally said to you hey,can you tell me when my wife's
going to be back?
Speaker 1 (06:36):
Because I was hungry.
Speaker 2 (06:37):
Yes, and then you mentioned, oh, I haven't eaten
anything.
I'm like, oh, okay, that's why,and then what I do?
I shut down.
Speaker 1 (06:46):
You shut down or no?
Speaker 2 (06:47):
I went to quiet mode to to not not aggravate you.
Speaker 1 (06:52):
Oh, okay, you didn't shut down, you just didn't keep
poking, because we're stillhaving conversation and
everything.
But you weren't poking meintentionally at things that
were going to drive me crazy,knowing that I was very hangry.
Speaker 2 (07:06):
When we say poking, it's just me talking.
Speaker 1 (07:08):
Yes.
Speaker 2 (07:09):
So I shut down.
I'm correct, you're notContinue on.
Speaker 1 (07:14):
It says argue in the nude.
That way it's more difficult tobail and run.
I've seen people say this, butI mean honestly, I would never
be able to like think about thatin the moment when we're
arguing.
Speaker 2 (07:28):
Like strip down.
Speaker 1 (07:29):
Yeah.
We should totally do it, I'msure it works.
Let's totally do it.
You can't do anything butprobably laugh, right.
Speaker 2 (07:37):
But then that may create a different argument Like
wait a minute, what are youlaughing at?
But no.
Speaker 1 (07:44):
That's great.
I liked this advice Say thething you're most afraid of
saying.
Speaker 2 (07:50):
That's good.
It's funny because you alwayssay what's the real reason why
you're feeling this way?
So you're kind of getting downto that.
You're like no, no, tell mewhat's the real, what's the
underlying.
Let's get to the bottom of this.
Speaker 1 (08:06):
Yeah, I think you and I have, I mean, I would say
pretty good communication towhere we're pretty comfortable
saying the hard things, but backin the day I think that that
was hard for us to do.
So I think what this is sayingis say the things that are hard
to say, because if you don't saythem, you can't work through
any of those things.
You have to be willing to saythe things that you're scared to
(08:30):
say, that are potentially goingto hurt feelings or potentially
going to maybe cause anargument, and hopefully you can
approach those in a way that's ahealthy way.
But that's the only way toreally, you know, create the
marriage you want to have andnot have all these unresolved
(08:50):
resentments and issues that justkind of pile up.
You got to be willing to saythose things, so I really liked
that one.
The other one I really like isthe opposite thinking, and we've
talked about this before Go tobed even if you're angry.
What do you think about thatone?
Speaker 2 (09:07):
Well, I, you know, we've had a lot of discussions
on this topic, because it issuch a I even call it a cliche
to say that Don't go to bedangry.
Unfortunately, you alreadybrought up the hangry part, the
other characteristic that youthis is specific to me.
Well, it's our relationship.
Yeah, so yes.
Speaker 1 (09:25):
Which is true.
What we say is not true foreverybody, it's just true for us
.
Speaker 2 (09:29):
Absolutely.
Which is true.
What we say is not true foreverybody, it's just true for us
, absolutely.
When you get to a certain pointof being tired, you are and I
don't say this rudely you'reuseless.
I mean, you're useless to you,to me to anyone.
Speaker 1 (09:41):
Absolutely, I agree, yeah.
Speaker 2 (09:43):
Yeah, your thoughts aren't correct.
Whereas me, I could just keepgoing and going and going and
going, and you can't.
Whereas when you have somesleep and we wake up in the
morning, your thoughts are clear, your mind's clear and our
conversations are always ahundred thousand percent better
in the morning, when you've hadsome sleep.
Speaker 1 (10:04):
Yeah, and we had trouble with this in the
beginning because you alwayswanted to fix it that night,
like you didn't want it to carryon at all because I heard the
cliches well, and also youdidn't want to carry on
arguments.
you just don't, you just want itto be done.
And you're a fixer.
You're like I just got, we gotto fix this, we got to be done,
and I would just be like I can't, I can't, and then the last
(10:27):
thing you wanted to do is haveto go through it again the next
day, which I totally understand,but also I can't do it right
now, and it just made it worseand worse and worse, and things
just don't get accomplished inthe right way when I'm tired.
Speaker 2 (10:41):
Yeah, so for us you're right Not going.
Speaker 1 (10:44):
I mean, that's something that people always say
it's okay to go to bed angryyeah, For us.
It's definitely okay to go tobed angry yeah For us, it's
definitely okay to go to bedangry.
Speaker 2 (10:49):
Absolutely it's.
Actually.
Speaker 1 (10:50):
it has served us a heck of a lot better than trying
to argue this one out when yeah, and for other people it's been
absolutely the opposite, andthat's great, but for us
specifically yeah, because of meit doesn't work that way.
Speaker 2 (11:06):
Well, you know we say you know I'm pointing the
finger at you and I'm saying buttruly, it's us that we're just
not built that way.
I'm built to be a one side,You're built to be the other.
So that doesn't mean it's yourfault, it's just we're just not
built that way.
Yeah, so I've learned over timethat it's so much, it's just
such a.
Okay, we'll work on this in themorning.
(11:26):
Yeah, One other one I wanted topoint out on here was separate
bathrooms seriously.
And I only say that because justyesterday I saw a post I was on
TikTok where the lady wassaying I finally got a sleep
(11:46):
divorce with my husband.
And it took me by surpriseSleep divorce, what the heck is
she talking about?
And then, of course, the videogoes into saying my husband and
I now have separate rooms and,of course, I wanted to hear the
whole video because I had thislingering fear that we are
heading that way because ofwhat's starting to happen to me.
I don't know what's happening,but I'm starting to snore.
Speaker 1 (12:05):
Not starting to.
You've always snored.
It's just increasing and notstopping.
Speaker 2 (12:12):
Yeah, and you already said you are a light sleeper
and it's not a good combinationfor our relationship.
And so you have been getting upunbeknownst to me and going to
our couch.
We're very blessed, we have alarge bedroom that has a couch
in it and you're going to lay onthe couch.
And then I wake up in themorning time and I'm like, oh
wait, a minute, my wife's not,she's laying on the couch, gosh,
(12:32):
dang it.
So I'm like, so afraid thatwe're heading for a sleep
divorce.
And all I can tell fromwatching this video and she was,
it's working for them.
Apparently she's very proud,but the video was highlighting
how you recognize some otherproblems in your relationship
you didn't have when you have asleep divorce.
And then she turned the videoon the room and the room was a
(12:53):
mess and she goes.
I always blame my husband formaking a mess, and now I
realized the mess was mine.
Speaker 1 (12:58):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (13:00):
So anyhow.
Speaker 1 (13:01):
I think separate bathrooms is maybe a different
issue than separate bedrooms.
The people that I know thathave separate bedrooms it is
specifically for that reason,because of the snoring.
So if you do have somebodywho's a light sleeper and
somebody who snores and theycan't help it, I mean it's not
like it's your fault.
Those are the reasons, WhereasI think the bathroom is probably
(13:23):
just space and mess and thatkind of thing.
You and I don't really have anissue with that.
I don't have an issue withshared space with you.
Speaker 2 (13:32):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (13:33):
But unfortunately, yeah, I do struggle with the
sleeping.
It definitely affects my sleep.
Speaker 2 (13:38):
Yeah, and I just, I feel awful.
Speaker 1 (13:41):
I know you do, it's not your fault so.
Speaker 2 (13:42):
I've tried.
I've already got the nosestrips.
Those aren't working.
I have a family member who hadmentioned that.
They have a family member whohad mentioned that they had a.
They have a snoring problem andthey have this new thing that
they're trying and it's beenworking.
So I I'm I've got to order thatto see if that helps.
But oh my gosh.
Speaker 1 (13:58):
We'll figure it out, baby, we'll figure it out.
Speaker 2 (14:01):
Always be your spouse's porn star.
If you won't, someone else will.
Hmm, hmm, hmm.
I don't know what to make aboutthat comment.
I mean I get what he's.
I say I say it's he because itlooks like a gentleman who wrote
that, but I get the thoughtprocess behind that that you're.
Speaker 1 (14:32):
I think this is what they're saying is make sure that
you're meeting each other'sneeds and desires sexually.
But also I think it could be.
I just feel like a womanshouldn't have to be acting like
a porn star in order to feellike that's the only way to make
their spouse happy, and I feellike that's dangerous ground to
where somebody feels like theyhave to be like that in order to
(14:53):
make their partner happy.
A healthy sexual relationshipgoes both ways.
So you know, if that's whereyou're at and that's what you
enjoy and you like that personaor that feeling of it, great.
But also, yeah, maybe some.
Speaker 2 (15:12):
And you've had the conversations where you both
understand each other at thatlevel.
It's not a expectation, that'snot understood in your
relationship.
You just wanna make sure thatyou're communicating about stuff
like that.
Speaker 1 (15:29):
Yeah, or is my marriage threatened if I don't
act a certain way for my spouseor have to put on some kind of
show or persona?
I think that that's just alittle bit touchy and dangerous.
But also it is really importantto work to meet each other's
sexual needs.
But, as I was saying, you needto work together for that and
not have to feel like you haveto be somebody that you're not.
Speaker 2 (15:52):
Don't criticize your spouse in front of others.
Yeah, you know, I saw that oneand I'm like I just couldn't
even imagine doing that.
But again, we're not in a placewhere we might feel that.
But you hear that a lot.
I mean, I've seen it.
I've literally bared witness toit.
I'm just like, like talk aboutmaking me feel cringe that
(16:16):
somebody's putting down theirspouse in front of you know
another person.
God, it's such an uncomfortablefeeling.
Yeah, it's such anuncomfortable feeling.
Speaker 1 (16:27):
I totally agree.
Like it says, don't criticizeyour spouse in front of others.
Maybe to a therapist if youabsolutely need to, but I hate
hearing people talk down abouttheir spouses.
Yeah, that's not a fun thing tobe.
I think you know.
Being able to talk to yourgirlfriends and I don't know if
guys do this or not but beingable to talk through things with
(16:47):
your girlfriends aboutsomething that's happening at
home, I feel like that's okay,like we all need people in our
lives that are safe place for usto talk through things.
If you're mad at your husbandand like I need advice or help,
I just need to like vent thisoff.
I feel like that should be okay.
But I feel like there is areally fine line where it's like
(17:08):
I'm just putting my husbanddown for the sake of doing so.
Speaker 2 (17:11):
Yeah, and what you're saying?
I don't think it's what they'resaying.
Speaker 1 (17:15):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (17:15):
Yeah, I mean, it's a totally different.
We've literally bared witnessto somebody just literally
laying into this person is the.
I don't want to repeat whatthey said, but you know I mean
how, yeah, what a horrible.
They can't do that.
They can't do that.
They're in front of a group ofpeople Like what are you doing?
Speaker 1 (17:33):
And also the things that we, you know, that I share
or I talk about with friends orwhatever.
It's not stuff I'm not going tosay, things that I wouldn't
feel comfortable saying to youas well.
Speaker 2 (17:48):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (17:48):
I think that that's a different line as well.
Like if I'm going to vent tothem or I need to talk about
something, I would tell you orbe fine with telling you yeah,
we talked about what we wentthrough and this is what I said,
or this is what we talked about, or this is the thoughts they
had, Not that I'm saying youhave to do that.
You know each relationship hastheir own thing, but for us, if
(18:11):
I'm going down that road ofneeding to talk to my sister or
something, I'm certainly notgoing to be saying things that I
would not want you to know.
Speaker 2 (18:20):
Right, right, yeah.
Don't yell at each other unlessthe house is on fire.
I don't know if I could do that.
Speaker 1 (18:29):
Then our house has been on fire a lot.
Speaker 2 (18:34):
Look, I love the comments and if these are the
things that you guys are, youknow, obviously, if they're
putting these up here, this isthe advice that they're.
Speaker 1 (18:41):
It works for you, if it works 100%.
Speaker 2 (18:43):
Yeah, in fact I was trying to think.
I think we know a couple thatnever, ever raised their voice
or yelling, and I don't know.
I just didn't grow up in thathousehold.
Speaker 1 (18:54):
Well, no, you certainly didn't.
Well, I didn't either.
Speaker 2 (18:57):
Yeah, no, no, certainly not.
Remember what you bring in.
The relationship is oftentimesand usually a reflection of how
you grew up or your surroundingsof how you grew up, what you
learned, what you learned of howyou grew up or your
surroundings of how you grew upand what you learned.
What you learned.
And, my goodness, even to thisday, I don't think my mom knows
how to have a conversationwithout raising her voice.
Speaker 1 (19:16):
No, she does not.
Speaker 2 (19:18):
We just had it the last night.
Speaker 1 (19:21):
And I'm always like offended by her doing that and
you're like, oh, this is justhow it goes in my house, Like
it's fine, Even yesterday you'relike you know mom makes me so
uncomfortable.
Speaker 2 (19:31):
Well, you don't have to say that to him.
Like why are you doing that?
Like looking at you, like whatwould she say?
Like I'm not even hearing it,cause it's just noise.
Oh my gosh, did you read theone I'm reading?
Speaker 1 (19:43):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (19:44):
Bros, when you want to get even just tighten all the
jars in the fridge, she'lleither do without or break down
and ask for help.
Speaker 1 (19:54):
I did see that in a.
It was a funny video, but whenhe says it I'm like no, no, no,
that's not funny.
But I did see that in like atick tock video like some way to
get uh her to talk to him, likeafter the silent treatment.
Oh, and you know what she he,he went and tightened her
(20:14):
stanley cup really tight and Iwas like, oh, I feel you that
stanley can be really hard toopen I mean, don't get me wrong,
it's hilarious, but I I don'tknow if that's advice yeah, I
think we're walking fine lineshere sometimes.
Speaker 2 (20:28):
Yeah, yeah, I mean we're looking at the.
I love the creativity thatpeople are putting out here,
though it's great.
Speaker 1 (20:35):
I like this one.
Tell me what you think.
A happy marriage isn't 50-50,it's 60-40, where both parties
strive to be the 60.
Speaker 2 (20:43):
Oh, I love that one.
I like that because I feel likesometimes, when you start
thinking of 50-50, oh, yourresponsibility, my
responsibility and I, you know,we got to share this, we got to
share that I feel it gets into akeeping score kind of a thing.
I was like, okay, did I takeour son?
Did you take our son?
Did you do pick this up?
Did I pick this up?
Do we make this, do we makethat?
(21:04):
And versus oh no, I just needto be, I'm speaking for me.
Oh, I just need to show up andbe better and do more and offer
more.
And it's not like oh, I'vealready done my part, so that's
it, so you got to do yours.
Speaker 1 (21:19):
Yeah, yeah, I hear what you're saying.
I like that.
It's like a scorekeeping.
Yeah, exactly.
Speaker 2 (21:31):
It's almost like oh no, I just, I'm just going,
going to keep showing up.
Now you don't have that problembecause we made it very crystal
clear on this entire podcastYou're a people pleaser, so you
always show up, always do 60%.
Speaker 1 (21:37):
I wouldn't say always , but you.
Speaker 2 (21:39):
No, we'd have to find some once in a.
You know moon change that youhaven't shown up more, so I like
that a lot.
That's.
That's really good.
Speaker 1 (21:49):
Brene Brown says that a marriage isn't 50-50.
A marriage changes all the time, like sometimes it might be
70-30 or 60-40 or 10-90,depending on what is going on in
your lives and that they,according to her, like would
(22:11):
work on saying you know, I'm ata 30 today, so that your spouse
knows oh okay, I need to step upa little bit and cover the
other 70%, because you'restruggling today, or I can give
way more today, or I got youtoday, which I think is a really
interesting way to look at it,because it's not always 50, 50
(22:32):
and it's absolutely right.
Some days I can't do it.
Speaker 2 (22:35):
Yeah, you got migraines, you're down.
Speaker 1 (22:43):
Not just that I'm just if I'm overly tired or
whatever, I've got stress goingon in my life or my mom's sick,
or your mom is sick, or you'relike you're working so hard
right now or whatever Like I'mnot going to have the same
expectations of you that I mighthave when days where nothing's
going on and everything's kindof chill and I'm going to try to
pick up for you or you're goingto try to pick up for me.
So I think that that's aninteresting way to look at it.
So, but I liked that view thatthis person's saying too.
Speaker 2 (23:06):
Yeah, that's a great one.
I really, I really liked that.
It's funny because I neverreally think about it in terms
of percentages.
Yeah, I really don't but, but,but to put that out there, I can
see why it's important.
Don't but to put that out there, I can see why it's important
to think of it as percentages ifyou are in the keeping score
mindset.
Speaker 1 (23:24):
Well, and also that's not a great mindset to be in.
Yeah, you're right.
Speaker 2 (23:28):
Nevermind what I said .
Drop what I just said, ifyou're keeping score.
Speaker 1 (23:31):
We got big, big problems here yeah.
We got to work on yeah.
Speaker 2 (23:35):
Oh, I like this one.
If there's a problem, work onyourself first.
Speaker 1 (23:42):
I think that's such a good one, and one I know you
and I really really work on, andI'm always preaching that if
something is really going on oryou're really struggling in a
relationship, the first place tolook is at yourself.
And I'm not saying your partnerdoesn't have work to do.
They do, but you can't.
You can't change your partner,you can't fix your partner.
(24:03):
The only thing that you can dois work on yourself, and every
time we have an argument andthings start going awry, we
start like losing it.
That's where I will go likeokay, what am I doing in it?
That's where I will go Likeokay, what am I doing?
That's helping this situationget out of control.
(24:24):
How am I going to reel?
Speaker 2 (24:25):
this back in.
You know you had the fourpillars of the ultimate marriage
, which one of them isaccountability.
So when I start to feel man, Ijust wish you would just get or
understand or see my point.
When I start asking thosequestions, I feel like that is
my trigger to go oh, wait, asecond, what am I doing here?
(24:49):
What am I bringing to this?
And then I start going throughan account.
Okay, how am I making thissituation harder?
What am I doing so?
I'm literally likeinternalizing it.
Speaker 1 (25:00):
When you're saying the four pillars.
Those are things that wediscovered after a really tough
time in our marriage.
It took us like a year, yearand a half, to kind of rebuild
our marriage and when we lookedback we could see like really
distinct things that helped usreally save our marriage.
And one of those things wasaccountability.
(25:20):
When we started being moreaccountable, particularly in our
arguments, we saw a hugepositive shift in our
relationship.
So that's I know what you'retalking about when you're
talking about the pillars, andaccountability was is a huge
part of our life and somethingwe are always working on
practicing.
And it is so difficult, it's sodifficult to choose to not point
(25:48):
a finger and look inwardinstead.
I think it's one of the mostdifficult things to do.
When you're pointing a finger,all you're going to do is
perpetuate an argument.
Nothing is going to do.
When you're pointing a finger,all you're going to do is
perpetuate an argument.
Nothing is going to get solvedwhen you are pointing a finger.
We have learned this 100% inour relationship.
So, instead of doing thatbecause it doesn't work, look at
(26:10):
yourself.
What can you do?
What have you done tocontribute to where you are?
What mistakes do you need toown up.
Even if they're the tiniestlittle things, what can you
apologize for, man?
That is just massive power increating a positive relationship
, creating a healthyrelationship.
Speaker 2 (26:30):
Yeah, we did a very deep dive very early on in our
episodes on this podcast.
I mean, we're talking aboutepisode nine, 10, 11, and 12,
where you literally broke downsecret one, secret two, secret
three, secret four to asuccessful and ultimate marriage
.
So if you want to revisit thosepast episodes I mean they were
(26:52):
very early on in this podcast-yeah, maybe things we need to
revisit yeah.
Speaker 1 (26:56):
Because, those really are the pillars that we do live
by still.
Speaker 2 (26:59):
And those are when you go to speak to mom groups,
as you've done recently, alwaysthe four that I talk about.
Always the four.
Speaker 1 (27:04):
Which the other ones are.
You said it's accountability,appreciation, acceptance and
connection.
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (27:11):
Well, we just gave them away.
But you could still go back andrevisit episodes.
Speaker 1 (27:14):
Yeah, there's lots of things we learned within those
about how to accomplish thosepillars.
Speaker 2 (27:19):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (27:20):
But they are the things that we hold true to our
foundation of our marriage.
Speaker 2 (27:24):
I like this one.
Hold each other tightly,closely and know that you are
not each other's enemy.
Focus on the why and not thewhat they are saying, and you'll
find the root of the problem.
Speaker 1 (27:39):
I like the part about focusing on the why, not the
what and how I interpret that iswhen you and I can recognize
that the argument is not usuallyabout what we're actually
arguing about.
It's much deeper than that.
So it's not about the dishes,it's not about chores, or it's
not about you know why aren't wehaving sex tonight or whatever.
It's not about that.
So it's not about the dishes,it's not about chores, or it's
not about you know why aren't wehaving sex tonight or whatever.
(28:00):
It's not about that.
What it's, there's alwayssomething that's underlying that
, and usually it is like anunmet need or it's a fear that's
underlying that, like my fearof not being enough is what
often shows up for me, but itmight show up in a way that
looks like me misinterpretingsomething that you say, and then
(28:24):
we go down a road of argumentwhen it had nothing to do with
what we're going down anargument.
It just has to do with the factthat I didn't hear what you
said.
I interpreted it as you tellingme I'm not enough.
Right hear what you said, Iinterpret it as you telling me
I'm not enough Right, and youmight have the same thing if I
(28:47):
don't give you the rightreaction when you come home, or
like when you lean in for a kissor something and maybe I'm not
like fully present and you takemaybe offense to that.
Well, it's not really aboutthat.
What that is representing toyou is maybe this fear that you
don't love me or you're gonnaleave me.
Speaker 2 (29:02):
so which tammy and I are disclosing our like deepest
fears and the things thatusually underlying, underlines
our arguments.
Speaker 1 (29:11):
We've been able to get to those things and when we
can remember those in anargument, what that does is
allows us to have compassion foreach other.
It's like, oh okay, this Joel'sfeeling like, or thinking that
I'm saying I don't love him, orhe's feeling unloved, or he's
feeling like a fear that I'mgoing to abandon him.
(29:34):
It gives me compassion andallows me to move through that
conversation or that conflict ina much different way.
Speaker 2 (29:42):
I'll tell you what you want to have a different
conversation with your spousewhen it comes to arguments,
disagreements, things that areailing you.
Focus on that.
Why are they feeling this way?
Speaker 1 (29:54):
It's really about digging deeper, Like what is
really going on here?
Why am I feeling triggered here?
Why, every single time thistopic comes up, we go into a
spiral.
Why do we fight about moneyevery single time?
What is really happening here,really happening here?
(30:15):
We used to have that fight allthe time and then one day I
realized that the fight wasn'tabout you trying to control me,
which is what I thought it wasabout.
What you were really trying todo was protect your family and
not have them be without, likeyou were as a child man, when I
had that epiphany and realizedthat's what's happening.
We didn't fight about thatanymore.
(30:36):
Why?
Because I had that epiphany andrealized that's what's
happening.
We didn't fight about thatanymore.
Why?
Because I can look at you andbe like oh, I understand why
that's coming up for you.
We still don't agree, but wedon't have to argue about it
like we did.
I don't agree with you aboutall the money choices you want
to make and vice versa, but itallowed me to have so much
compassion for why you feel theway you do.
Speaker 2 (30:58):
It's a completely different disagreement now.
Speaker 1 (31:00):
Totally, it's not even.
I don't know if you can call ita disagreement, but maybe.
But it's a controlled one whereit's more a conversation.
Right, we're not arguing oryelling at each other like we
used to about it, so that'sreally powerful.
Speaker 2 (31:13):
It is.
Speaker 1 (31:13):
Yeah, that feels like a really good one to end on.
Well, this was fun.
I didn't expect to go down thisroad.
I thoroughly enjoyed hearingyour thoughts on it.
You know, reading through themwith you and hearing your
thoughts on them and having alittle discussion about each one
.
So you can check out that poston the Married and Naked
Instagram page it's married inthe letter, N naked.
Speaker 2 (31:37):
Yeah, and you look like you're dipping some tea in
a cup with some words on top ofit.
Speaker 1 (31:41):
Oh, yeah, tea bag, yeah yeah.
Yeah, you're right, it's just aquestion, but it's fun to hear
everybody's answers.
Everybody's relationship isdifferent, you know.
That's fun to hear what is whatworks for you.
You know, and we can all learnfrom each other.
That'll do it.
(32:03):
That's a wrap.
Speaker 2 (32:03):
Thank you so much for being here and we'll talk to
you next time on the Married andNaked podcast.
Bye, everybody.
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