April 15, 2025 • 34 mins
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What if everything you thought you knew about sexual desire was keeping you from the connection you truly want?
In this deeply personal episode, we pull back the curtain on our journey through years of sexual disconnect and the breakthrough understanding that finally changed everything.
Drawing from Emily Nagoski's revolutionary books "Come As You Are" and "Come Together," we explore the game-changing concept of sexual "accelerators and brakes" – the hidden forces that either spark or stifle desire.
The most profound revelation? Sometimes, your biggest sexual brake might be your partner's approach or expectations.
Whether you're struggling with mismatched desire or simply want to deepen your connection, this episode offers a path forward.
Ready to transform your intimate relationship? The understanding waiting in this episode might be exactly what you've been searching for all along.
Grab Your Copy of "Come Together" by Emily Nagoski HERE
Grab your set of the Married and Naked Date Night Questions For Couples card deck HERE
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:02):
Welcome to the Married and Naked Podcast.
I'm Tammy, founder of the blogMarried and Naked, certified
sexuality coach and speaker.
Speaker 2 (00:09):
And I'm Joel, tv host , motivational speaker and the
guinea pig to the lessons you'reabout to learn.
Speaker 1 (00:15):
We're high school sweethearts, married over two
decades, and we're on a missionto help you create the marriage
you desire and deserve.
Let's get naked.
Welcome to the Married andNaked podcast.
Hi everybody, hi, babe.
Speaker 2 (00:28):
Hey sweetheart, how are you doing?
Speaker 1 (00:30):
I'm doing good.
Speaker 2 (00:32):
What have you been up to today, baby?
Speaker 1 (00:34):
Today I've been doing some fun things.
I went and well, I went to thegym.
Speaker 2 (00:39):
Sorry, I'm laughing because I remember the first
thing you did today Go ahead.
Speaker 1 (00:42):
I went to the gym.
That's not so fun, especiallysince right now I'm doing it at
6 am, which means I need to beup very early to get there, and
yeah, that's rough, but alsoit's kind of cool to get it out
of the way.
But before anything elsehappens, I've already knocked
out a workout, which is very,very cool.
(01:02):
And then, after I took our sonto school, I went and played
pickleball today.
So it's pickleball day, whichis a great day.
Speaker 2 (01:09):
That's awesome.
Speaker 1 (01:10):
Yeah, and then had lunch with my sister.
Her and I play pickleballtogether, so that was really fun
and then just doing a littlebit of work when I got home, but
I like pickleball day.
Speaker 2 (01:20):
Pickleball day, early morning, gym day this is only
your.
What your second or third timewaking up at?
Speaker 1 (01:25):
It's my second time I'm getting up at.
I think I got up at 5.20 thismorning, which I know a lot of
people get up at 5.20, but toget up intentionally to go and
get my butt kicked by the mytrainer, it's, it's hard to do
and I'm, I'm there all by myselfwith her thinking what?
What am I thinking?
Why am I doing?
Speaker 2 (01:45):
You're thinking, what am I thinking?
I love it.
Speaker 1 (01:48):
Exactly, that's a great way to start the day, I
think.
Speaker 2 (01:51):
I love it.
Well, if you followed youreffort list, this was something
on your list, right?
Well it's working.
Speaker 1 (01:57):
It's me working towards being in the best shape
of my life, which is on my list.
Also, getting toned is on there.
I have a few about beinghealthy, so that's all working
towards that, yeah.
Speaker 2 (02:08):
If you're wondering what I'm talking about, the
effortless, it's the podcastpart of this one.
Make sure you listen to itbecause it is so cool,
especially if you're somebodylike Tammy, who this is truly,
as I mentioned on that podcast,life-changing for you.
It really is.
You look really tired right nowas you look at me.
Speaker 1 (02:24):
Oh my gosh, that's what your mother used to say to
me all the time.
Okay, whenever your mom wouldsay that, it would just be like
a dagger to the heart, like whenyou say you look tired.
Really what you're saying isyou look kind of like crap.
Speaker 2 (02:38):
First of all, that is not what I'm saying.
I am not my mother, but I knowyou and I know how you typically
are at this time of day and youdon't look like this normally.
But you did wake up super early, you did go play pickleball,
you left it all out there, youcame home, you worked, and so
you're a little spent right now.
You're going to go to bed alittle early tonight, aren't we?
Speaker 1 (02:59):
Absolutely, you know, I am.
Speaker 2 (03:02):
I know you are so let's knock this out.
All right, yeah, let's knockthis out.
Speaker 1 (03:07):
Today's episode is coming in inspiration from a
book that Joel and I are reading.
I've talked about Emily Nagoskibefore on our podcast, many,
many episodes ago.
I discovered her through a bookcalled Come as you Are that I
read in 2020.
Late 2020, I discovered thatbook.
(03:27):
You and I were having a hardtime.
I was looking for help andanswers and I came across that
book and I feel like it changedour lives.
It was such an impactful bookfor us in understanding how
female desire works andunderstanding, accepting each
other's desire levels.
It was just a completelyeye-opening book.
(03:49):
And she just came out with abrand new book called Come
Together and, of course, Icouldn't wait to buy it.
When I saw she released thatbook and I read chapter one and
then I came to you and I said Ithink maybe you should read this
book too, like this is reallygood stuff.
I feel like she's talking to usdirectly and you were game.
(04:13):
You've been listening to it inyour car on your long drives to
do, to work, and you are wayahead of me.
Then I'm holding on likechapter maybe three.
Speaker 2 (04:25):
So I just crossed over chapter seven today.
Speaker 1 (04:28):
Yes, but you felt like this was a really good
topic to discuss and I agree.
Today we're talking aboutdesire and the things that may
be keeping us from having thesexual relationship we want.
That's what we're going to talkabout today.
In her book, come as you Are, Iwas introduced to the idea of
(04:54):
thinking of desire as like a car.
She uses a car analogy whereyou have an accelerator, you
have the gas pedal and then youhave the brake pedal.
I had kind of forgotten alittle bit about that concept
until reading you're readingthis new book and you came to
and said, oh yeah, rememberabout the accelerators and the
brakes.
I think that's a good thing totalk about, because it's
(05:16):
something I don't really thinkabout and I think we need to
think about it more, especiallyfor couples who are really
struggling in the space ofmeeting each other's sexual
needs, having a lot of conflictin that area, or just women like
me who's feeling like my desirelevel is really low, even
though I'm not going to say thatthat's the truth anymore.
(05:40):
It was just different thanyours.
But we have learned that thereare things that can accelerate a
person's desire or can shut itdown.
Speaker 2 (05:50):
Sure, I feel like I remember exactly where I was
when you even brought thisconcept to me.
We were sitting on our couchupstairs and you were literally
telling me about thisaccelerator and brake things and
of course, I'm like you know.
It was a frustrating time forus at that time.
It was heartbreaking.
Speaker 1 (06:06):
Yes, we were not in a good place.
Speaker 2 (06:07):
Yeah, and it was.
So you weren't, as like,willing to open to hearing this
stuff, yeah, but then, when youstarted saying some of the
analogies to what that meant, itwas like oh, oh, wow, yeah, and
especially the breaks more thananything.
Speaker 1 (06:25):
And can you give us some examples of Well, before I
do that, Emily says that brakes,more than anything, are what
affect desire.
They tend to be a lot strongerthan the accelerators.
So we're thinking about whatthings rev the engine and what
things shut it down.
These can be anything.
(06:46):
They can be memories, they canbe feelings, sensations, things
you see, smell, hear.
One of the things that's good toknow and recognize about the
accelerators and the brakes isthat they're most often, or
oftentimes, not the same for acouple.
(07:07):
So the things that areaccelerators for you aren't
necessarily for me, and viceversa.
And same with brakes the thingsthat are brakes for me aren't
necessarily brakes for you.
So accelerators for me are hardfor me to.
If I'm going to be honest,accelerators are hard for me to
find.
I don't feel like I have a lotof things that rev me up, but I
(07:31):
think if I'm going to picksomething I would say a good
rom-com, a good romantic movie,a glass of wine, those are
accelerators for me.
Accelerators for me are lettinggo of brakes, and we'll talk
about those.
But I think, because we have hadsuch a history of me feeling
(07:55):
broken in that space, I don'treally know a lot of my
accelerators.
For me it's like, once we getgoing, then the accelerator is
there.
But if I'm looking foraccelerators prior to intimacy,
I have a hard time finding that.
If that makes sense, that'swhat's called responsive desire.
(08:15):
I have responsive desire,whereas when we get going, then
the desire comes.
It doesn't tend to show upahead of time, and I think
that's part of the challenge forme is we're talking and trying
to talk about accelerators,thinking about it as what's
going to get you going beforewe're actually in the act,
(08:36):
whereas I don't really work thatway right now in my life.
I'm more like let's get goingand then the desire shows up.
For you.
It's a very different kind of athing.
Speaker 2 (08:48):
Oh, you think you know my accelerators.
Speaker 1 (08:50):
I think I know that you have spontaneous desire,
which is very different.
Many, many men have spontaneousdesire.
Many, many women haveresponsive.
It's not all, it's not acrossthe board, but many will be able
to relate to you.
You have a lot of acceleratorsand they just show up without
(09:14):
you thinking about it, like me,walking across the room.
I don't even have to be withoutclothing.
It could be your favorite pairof jeans or it could be.
Speaker 2 (09:21):
Can we get the ding button?
Speaker 1 (09:22):
going.
A certain look, I give you.
It could be something sexy onTV.
It could be us talking aboutintimate moments that we've had.
You have a lot of accelerators.
Speaker 2 (09:35):
As we're talking about this, it's really
interesting I don't know ifyou're at the chapter yet in her
new book Come Together.
And it's really interestingbecause she's talking about
desire versus pleasure, andreally the ultimate goal isn't
so much to search for desire, tofind desire, to have desire,
it's really to have pleasure andto find pleasure.
(09:57):
And so even if you just saythat word, that word is a shift
too in your thoughts versus oh,I have to have desire, I need to
be desired, I need to feeldesired.
Versus oh, where's my pleasure?
How do I find pleasure?
What is my pleasure?
Speaker 1 (10:13):
Well, I think that it goes back to what I was saying.
Is for us that word?
To me, honestly, that word islike a bad word in a
relationship.
It doesn't bring any kind ofgood feeling, because it was
always, I felt, used in a waythat you don't have it.
What's wrong with you?
I don't like that word, yeah.
So her making that switch andme feeling broken because I'm
(10:38):
supposed to feel something.
I don't feel something.
Desire is supposed to be here,like it is for him.
Her switching it to, ratherthan having to find something
that is elusive.
It's then instead being able tomake a choice as to whether or
not you are open in that momentto exploring pleasure.
(11:01):
I like that way better.
Speaker 2 (11:04):
It was after that chapter that I came to you and I
said, tammy, everybody needs tohear this book, or everyone
needs to read this book.
Speaker 1 (11:09):
Definitely.
I think everybody needs bothbooks.
But that switch is a big, bigswitch for me and I like that a
lot.
Speaker 2 (11:17):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (11:17):
It gives me back a sense of control, rather than me
feeling like I'm trying to findsomething I cannot find.
Speaker 2 (11:25):
Yeah yeah, the whole accelerator and brake still
holds true though, of course,but what we're searching for is
totally.
Speaker 1 (11:36):
I don't think it's a search You're right.
Speaker 2 (11:37):
I think that's the difference, you're right.
Speaker 1 (11:39):
Before.
I was trying to find a desirethat would not show up that
effort in itself.
A ginormous brake, yeah Huge.
It's something that's not there.
I'm supposed to be feeling it.
I feel pressure, pressure is abreak absolute probably the
biggest break that I feel isfeeling pressured either by you
(12:04):
and your pressure is not youneed to do it with me kind of
pressure.
It's.
Why don't you feel this kind ofpressure?
Speaker 2 (12:13):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (12:14):
That is a big, big off button for me.
Speaker 2 (12:17):
Or I don't even have to say that it's not even saying
so much.
Sometimes it's just me lookinga certain way.
Speaker 1 (12:22):
Well, it could be both.
I mean, I have a lot of breaksLike me being hot or being more
cold than anything.
The door needs to be locked,the kids not being around where
they can hear things.
Those are breaks for me.
I'm feeling like I've got a lotof work waiting for me.
That's a big break.
Like the mental load are bigbreaks for me.
Being late at night, being tooearly, being too tired, knowing
(12:45):
I've got to get up too early.
Speaker 2 (12:47):
You know, it's easy to rationalize it when you're
having a conversation like thisand to see oh my gosh, well, I
can totally see all those breaks, but when you're in it,
sometimes it feels bad to you,it feels bad to your partner.
Speaker 1 (13:03):
Oh, you would be so irritated with me because of all
the breaks that you would haveto go through, like a checklist
of making sure all these thingsare handled before my brain is
willing to say, okay, I can behere with you now.
Speaker 2 (13:16):
Hearing this book and actually it's long before this
book and then having thatrealization like, oh, all these
checklists that I've said forthe very long time, either
jokingly or okay, we got to havethis right, this right, light,
right, light, right, you know,and I was making light of it, to
say, oh, that's what'shopefully will get you to come
(13:36):
around, I was like, oh crap,even just saying all that, Made
me feel bad.
Made you feel bad, which is abreak.
Another break yeah.
And so it was.
So it was such a great eyeopener.
You have a lot of breaks andnot as many accelerators, and
how do you work within that?
Speaker 1 (13:51):
If the desire is to, or the hope is to, have more
sexual encounters you know thatare have more pleasure then
hopefully, the effort then is tofigure out how do we minimize
these breaks that are showing upfor us all the time and find
(14:11):
more accelerators, but, morethan anything, be able to shut
down some of these breaks, ifthat's the goal.
Speaker 2 (14:18):
You're right.
I mean, it doesn't have to bethe goal.
Speaker 1 (14:20):
If you're happy where you're at and you guys are both
feeling good and connected andyou're finding a nice middle
ground.
But for us connected and you'refinding a nice middle ground,
but for us we were both on veryopposite pages and that was
seriously damaging ourrelationship.
Speaker 2 (14:35):
Yeah, I feel like I don't want it to come off like
just because I had a higher andyou did not, and why don't you
have more and I should have more?
I think you just said it.
You're trying to meet in themiddle.
Well, we weren't at the timeCorrect, but I'm saying the goal
trying to meet in the middle.
Speaker 1 (14:48):
Well, we weren't at the time.
Speaker 2 (14:49):
Correct, but I'm saying the goal is to meet in
the middle.
Speaker 1 (14:53):
Now we have an understanding like that's the
goal.
But then the understanding orthe thought was I needed to come
to you, I needed to match whereyou were at.
Speaker 2 (15:03):
And you were broken.
Speaker 1 (15:05):
Because I couldn't and you felt I needed to match
you.
And then I felt like I'msupposed to come all the way,
your way, and something is wrongwith me.
Speaker 2 (15:13):
I remember when you sat me down for that chapter in
the book years ago and then Iremember at the end you
literally being a differentperson and you referenced that
book I think more than any otherbook on the podcast.
Speaker 1 (15:28):
Because the number one argument we were having was
related to sex.
We could not get past it.
No matter all the other growthwe did, it hung us up.
Speaker 2 (15:38):
And you felt like you were finally seen by someone.
Speaker 1 (15:43):
A hundred percent.
She made me feel completelyseen, completely normal.
There's nothing wrong with me.
Speaker 2 (15:50):
Did this book change our relationship?
It really did.
Speaker 1 (15:56):
I think what we realized from regarding the
accelerators and brakes and Idon't want this to come off
harsh, we've talked about thismany times, so-.
Speaker 2 (16:00):
Okay, my arms are crossed, go ahead, go ahead.
Speaker 1 (16:02):
You know this, but it is vulnerable to be able to say
things like this out loud.
Speaker 2 (16:07):
I don't know what you're going to say, but yeah.
Speaker 1 (16:14):
It's hard to talk about this stuff because, truly,
it wrecked us for a really longtime.
So it's hard to talk aboutthose hard times and also like,
wow, we've come a really longway.
But I've come to realize and Ithink you have too that my
number one break was you andyour approach to me.
Yeah, yeah, it was a lack ofunderstanding and a sense of me
(16:42):
always feeling like I wassupposed to be someplace.
I'm not.
And the minute you were able tolet that go and take the
pressure off and come from aplace of true like understanding
of me and like acceptance, Iget this about you.
(17:03):
I understand your, I understandhow this works.
I get your desire.
I get that you're responsive.
There was suddenly no sense ofshame about it anymore.
And then everything has changedand now I feel free and at ease
to find desire in places Inever could before, to find
(17:26):
desire in places I never couldbefore, and it's changed our
relationship dramatically.
How does that feel?
Me saying that?
Speaker 2 (17:35):
Well, it makes me feel two feelings.
The first one is I'm very, very, very grateful that I have
somebody like you that takes thetime to want to improve for
yourself, for us, make us better.
I feel so grateful for that.
I was there and got toexperience that reverse side
(17:58):
because you took the time toread the book and then shared it
with me.
I know it takes a willingpartner and an open mind and
truth.
Looking in the mirror and hey,where am I at this moment.
You know what I mean.
I know it takes all that, butbut it was your act that I don't
want to say force that change,but really put that change in
(18:19):
front of us where I couldactually make it.
That's the first feeling I'm sograteful.
The second thing is I do getconcerned.
I don't want, whether it be aman or a woman who's on the like
, experiencing what weexperienced, to weaponize what
you just said and say see, thisis your fault, that I'm feeling
this way.
I don't.
So I do get a little nervousabout that, because you say this
(18:41):
to every person that comes upto you Like it takes two in a
relationship.
You know it starts with you tomake the change and then it goes
from there, but it has to startwith you A hundred percent.
You always say that to people.
It does take you.
You were the one who weremaking the changes for you.
You wanted to improve you andthen I'm just the partner that I
(19:03):
want to improve with you.
I want to.
I want to be with you, I want tobe with you, I want to grow
with you and and I'm hoping thatwhen other people hear what you
just said that I was yourbiggest break that the only
reason you knew that must bebecause you finally got an
understanding of it.
I don't want people to do thatand then turn to their spouses
(19:24):
and go see.
It's you the reason why, whenwe're sharing with you the truth
here, even when you brought itto me, you're right, I was
defensive, I didn't.
It's you the reason why, whenwe're sharing with you the truth
here, even when you brought itto me, you're right, I was
defensive, I didn't.
That's not me.
This is you.
What are you talking about?
Speaker 1 (19:35):
And then, as time went on and I started doing my
own deep dive and staring in themirror and it wasn't overnight
at all- I think it is veryimportant, first of all, to
recognize that you can't go tosomebody and say, see, this is
(19:56):
your fault, look what you'redoing and expect to get some
kind of positive reaction.
That was my job is to learn howto approach you with things
that I was feeling in a waywhere you were able and willing
to hear it.
And, on the other end, I dothink it's really important to
recognize that if your partneris bringing to you something
(20:18):
it's feeling like it's somethingyou're doing wrong, your
natural reaction is to bedefensive about it and try to
argue how it's not the case.
But I think it's reallyimportant to work really hard to
set those defenses aside andrecognize that if they're
bringing you something, thatmeans something is off.
Speaker 2 (20:36):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (20:37):
Even if you don't see it or you don't agree with it,
whether or not you agreed everthat about my responsive desire
or how desire works for me, whenI would always tell you the
things that work for you don'twork for me.
Or just because I'm not liketurned on of you walking across
the room doesn't mean I'm notattracted to you, like these
(20:57):
things that we would constantlyargue about.
Just because you don't agreedoesn't mean that it's not valid
for me.
So if I'm bringing to you afeeling like like whatever, I'm
not being heard or seen, even ifyou don't agree, that's
something that you need to stepback and say okay, this is how
(21:18):
she's feeling, even though Iagree.
How can I do a better job ofhearing and listening to her?
So I'm trying to, I guess, goagainst what you're saying, not
against.
I'm trying to recognize whatyou're saying about weaponizing
and somebody coming out theirpartner and saying, see, this is
it.
But there's two sides to howthat conversation can go.
(21:39):
You don't ever want to approacha conversation that way and the
hope is that your partner isgoing to be able to hear you on
the other side.
And this happened over yearsfor us, you know, long before
this book we were working onthis Long, long, long before.
This just happened to be onebook that felt transformative
and allowed us to actually startputting things to bed.
Speaker 2 (22:03):
Yeah, because we've shared in the past that we've
overcome so many other things inour relationship.
But yeah, the sex was the.
I mean it was like the lastfrontier for us to be on the
same page.
It really was.
Speaker 1 (22:18):
Meaning to come to like a real, clear understanding
and acceptance and stop judgingeach other for not being where
we wanted their partner to be.
I wanted you to be less, Iwanted you to not have to want
every day, you know, and youwanted me to want more.
And until we could figure outhow to come to an understanding
and an acceptance of that abouteach other without bitterness
(22:42):
attached to it, there was nogrowth that could be happening.
Speaker 2 (22:46):
Absolutely.
And this book, come as you Are,was that turning point for us?
And this book right now, comeTogether.
I truly feel like I'm tellingyou if you're in a relationship,
you guys, you need to listen tothis book.
Speaker 1 (23:04):
I just want to say that thank you, because back
when I 20, 25 years ago orwhatever, when I found the book,
you didn't have a real opennessand again, we weren't in a
great place, but you didn'treally have an openness to
wanting to read it yourself.
You would, you know, just tellme what you're, what you want me
(23:26):
to hear, kind of thing yeah andthen now, after all the work
we've done over the last fiveyears and fixing this particular
problem, now you're so open toreading it on your own.
You're like, way the heck infront of me.
You're reading and listening toit in the car.
You've got stuff you want toshare with me about what you've
(23:47):
heard.
It's just really really nice.
Speaker 2 (23:51):
You know, I will say I I really really love you and I
really really.
I mean it sounds so corny, butI really love our sex life more
now than I ever have in my life.
And and I think the reason forthat is is because so many of
those shackles that we had andwe're not perfect and we fall
(24:15):
into old habits and we fall intoold fears that you know pop up
for us but to move out of themwe're so much quicker and it's
so wonderful because we trulyhave come together to meet each
other's needs where we're at.
Speaker 1 (24:32):
You know.
What's interesting, though, isour actual sex life really
hasn't changed.
Speaker 2 (24:40):
No, it really hasn't Our frequency it hasn't changed.
No.
Speaker 1 (24:59):
But yet you and I both feel like we are in the
best place we've ever been inour sex life.
No shame about how we areletting go of that, letting go
of all the pressure.
That's what's changed.
That's what's allowed us tofind a connection rather than a
combat that we were alwaysfeeling about it.
(25:19):
Our actual sex life is the same, but it's made us feel so much
closer and connected and freeand loved and accepted, and
that's really interesting to me.
Speaker 2 (25:33):
It is.
You said that not too long ago.
I said, you know, off the air.
You know, you said off the airand I was like, oh you're right,
it really hasn't changed much.
But my-.
Speaker 1 (25:42):
What you always wanted was seemingly more.
Speaker 2 (25:46):
Right.
Speaker 1 (25:47):
But that hasn't necessarily happened.
Speaker 2 (25:50):
No, I feel like we're so much more connected.
I don't feel like it's it's aburden to you.
I don't feel like I'm coming toyou in making you feel bad to
have sex with me or having topursue all the time to pursue
all the time having to pursueall the time or feeling bad for
(26:15):
okay, I know she's not, but letme you know.
Speaker 1 (26:16):
I don't, I don't, I don't ever have those moments
anymore.
Speaker 2 (26:17):
Yeah, I really don't.
I can't think of the last timeI had a moment like that.
Speaker 1 (26:20):
Me too, I feel grateful for all the work that
we've done.
It's made a massive impact andI really feel like I owe it,
starting to this book or notthis book, but her first book.
Speaker 2 (26:34):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (26:34):
Yeah, for sure.
I was saying how one thing, onereason that our sex life is
better is because of how wecommunicate about it.
Speaker 2 (26:44):
I mean we originally started talking about
accelerators or brakes, right?
Mean we originally startedtalking about accelerators or
brakes, right?
I feel like I didn't know allyour brakes in the beginning.
When you sat me down andstarted talking about it, I was,
you know, I had this list ofthem.
You got to be comfortable.
You gotta get this.
Speaker 1 (27:00):
You gotta be that I think it's how you, like you
knew the brakes, though, becauseyou would give me this
checklist it's how you perceivedthose breaks.
Speaker 2 (27:09):
Exactly.
I didn't know that these weretrue things that were preventing
you from moving on the otherside of the door.
Speaker 1 (27:19):
They were just annoyances to you, yeah exactly.
Speaker 2 (27:22):
They were just like oh my gosh, I got to do this,
Let me get this ready.
And it was more like a choreversus oh, wait a minute.
Oh, these are preventing herfrom feeling comfortable,
preventing her from allowingherself to relax, and if you're
not relaxed, what do I think isgoing to happen?
Speaker 1 (27:46):
It's more like you found a respect for that rather
than you being bugged by it,yeah, yeah.
And also your biggest desire,or what you always tell me, is
that you want me to be happy andfind pleasure myself, and I
can't do that without all thosethings.
(28:07):
So you being able to lean intothat and wanting me to enjoy
myself, perceiving it that way,I think, gave you some
perspective.
That kind of shifted how you'rethinking about this checklist.
Speaker 2 (28:21):
Yeah, these breaks are really important.
Speaker 1 (28:23):
Yeah, exactly.
Speaker 2 (28:24):
For us.
Speaker 1 (28:24):
Respect for it.
Yeah For us.
Speaker 2 (28:26):
Yeah, yeah, so you're right, it was the perspective I
had towards these uh sort ofthe breaks and just because
they're things that you don'tunderstand doesn't mean they're
not really big.
Speaker 1 (28:36):
For me, going back to our big shift coming from our
ability to really communicate ina really good, healthy, open
way about all these things thatwe were learning good, healthy,
open way about all these thingsthat we were learning I believe
that in order to have a veryclose, intimate relationship,
(28:56):
you need to be able to talkabout sex.
You have to be.
I think that if you are havingthe same kinds of issues that we
were having, the place to startis to be able to open up
communication about sex.
So many couples don't talkabout it and it's going to limit
(29:18):
your ability to be as close andconnected as you may desire to
be connected as you may desireto be.
So I think that opening up thecommunication about it is a
really great place to start.
Now, some people have nevertalked about good, you know deep
stuff.
So jumping right into sex isprobably a landmine and maybe
(29:40):
not a place to go.
So you might want to start justby doing, like the couples,
questions like the cards that Ihave, just taking them on date
night, making it fun.
They're not about sex, they'rejust fun questions to ask each
other.
Maybe that's a great way tostep into being able to
communicate with each other alittle bit better and kind of a
fun laid back kind of a way.
(30:00):
But if you are open to talkingabout sex with each other you
have talked about it you mightwant to approach the idea of
accelerators and brakes byasking each other some questions
.
Maybe have a date night wherewe're going to talk about sex
tonight and ask each other thequestion what are your brakes,
why, what are your acceleratorsand why on both sides.
Speaker 2 (30:24):
Try to be no judgment .
Speaker 1 (30:26):
Yes, there are rules Whenever you be no judgment.
Yes, there are rules.
Whenever you're havingconversations like this, there
are definite rules, and one ismaking sure that you're both in
a good, open space.
You don't wanna be having theseconversations in the middle of,
like, an argument or tension oranything like that.
You wanna find a good time forthis.
You definitely wanna come at itwith an open mind and you
(30:48):
absolutely have to put judgmentaside, just as you're saying.
Speaker 2 (30:52):
I just want to remind , like you're married to this
individual.
When you got married, it wasexcitement, it was joy.
You put the ring on your finger, you said the vows, Like take
that same mindset into adiscussion like this.
Just remember why you're there,why you started, how it all
started, I don't know.
Just you know, ground yourselfin that because we have so much
(31:16):
compassion and heart when wethink about oh yeah, this is a
person I said yes to, this is aperson I want to spend the rest
of my life with.
Not this is my enemy and thisis my person.
Who's preventing me from doingthis or that?
I don't know.
I just like change yourperspective.
Speaker 1 (31:33):
Approach the conversation with compassion,
yeah there we go.
Speaker 2 (31:36):
That's a much easier way to say it.
Approach it with compassion.
Speaker 1 (31:40):
I think that's a very good, a very good tip.
Think about being accepting ofyour partner's answers and I
know that's really hard to do,but it's going back to what I
said before how just because youmay not agree doesn't mean it's
not a true feeling for them andit's not valid.
And if the conversation turnsheated, it's time to take a
(32:03):
break and revisit it at anothertime.
So approach these conversationswith some delicacy.
One thing I always heard peoplesay whenever I post questions
couples questions on Instagramis people will always be like
well, this is the way to startan argument, which isn't how
we've gone about our questions.
(32:24):
Don't start arguments with eachother, so I always have a hard
time putting myself in thatplace, but for some people and
some couples it does.
It's very sensitive, there's alot of defensiveness, so it does
.
So I just want you to be verycareful and aware of that and if
you need to start in a moresensitive place, start in a more
careful and sensitive place,but the ultimate idea being how
(32:46):
can we be more open with eachother about our sex lives so
that we can begin to talk aboutsome of these accelerators and
brakes and we can begin to movetowards the, so we can move
towards a sex life that we'vealways desired to have.
Speaker 2 (33:01):
I can't stress enough how valuable the knowledge has
been in these two books, how ittransformed our relationship.
Do yourself and yourrelationship a favor Go out and
get one or both of these booksand truly invest in your
relationship.
Speaker 1 (33:19):
Thank you, baby, thank you for reading it, thanks
for being open and talkingabout it with me.
It's just, it's awesome.
I love it.
Speaker 2 (33:28):
It is it, I'm very grateful.
Speaker 1 (33:30):
I'm happy that I have a partner who's willing to do
that, and I really appreciatethat.
Speaker 2 (33:37):
I appreciate you my love so much, so you know it.
Speaker 1 (33:41):
All right.
Well, I think that'll wrap itup for today.
Go have discussions about youraccelerators and brakes and find
ways to minimize those brakes.
Speaker 2 (33:50):
Yeah, so that you can get closer to getting married,
and naked, sorry.
Speaker 1 (33:56):
Exactly.
All right, that'll do it fortoday.
We'll talk to you next time onthe Married and Naked podcast.
Bye, everybody.
Welcome to the Married and Naked Podcast.
I'm Tammy, founder of the blogMarried and Naked, certified
sexuality coach and speaker.
Speaker 2 (00:09):
And I'm Joel, tv host , motivational speaker and the
guinea pig to the lessons you'reabout to learn.
Speaker 1 (00:15):
We're high school sweethearts, married over two
decades, and we're on a missionto help you create the marriage
you desire and deserve.
Let's get naked.
Welcome to the Married andNaked podcast.
Hi everybody, hi, babe.
Speaker 2 (00:28):
Hey sweetheart, how are you doing?
Speaker 1 (00:30):
I'm doing good.
Speaker 2 (00:32):
What have you been up to today, baby?
Speaker 1 (00:34):
Today I've been doing some fun things.
I went and well, I went to thegym.
Speaker 2 (00:39):
Sorry, I'm laughing because I remember the first
thing you did today Go ahead.
Speaker 1 (00:42):
I went to the gym.
That's not so fun, especiallysince right now I'm doing it at
6 am, which means I need to beup very early to get there, and
yeah, that's rough, but alsoit's kind of cool to get it out
of the way.
But before anything elsehappens, I've already knocked
out a workout, which is very,very cool.
(01:02):
And then, after I took our sonto school, I went and played
pickleball today.
So it's pickleball day, whichis a great day.
Speaker 2 (01:09):
That's awesome.
Speaker 1 (01:10):
Yeah, and then had lunch with my sister.
Her and I play pickleballtogether, so that was really fun
and then just doing a littlebit of work when I got home, but
I like pickleball day.
Speaker 2 (01:20):
Pickleball day, early morning, gym day this is only
your.
What your second or third timewaking up at?
Speaker 1 (01:25):
It's my second time I'm getting up at.
I think I got up at 5.20 thismorning, which I know a lot of
people get up at 5.20, but toget up intentionally to go and
get my butt kicked by the mytrainer, it's, it's hard to do
and I'm, I'm there all by myselfwith her thinking what?
What am I thinking?
Why am I doing?
Speaker 2 (01:45):
You're thinking, what am I thinking?
I love it.
Speaker 1 (01:48):
Exactly, that's a great way to start the day, I
think.
Speaker 2 (01:51):
I love it.
Well, if you followed youreffort list, this was something
on your list, right?
Well it's working.
Speaker 1 (01:57):
It's me working towards being in the best shape
of my life, which is on my list.
Also, getting toned is on there.
I have a few about beinghealthy, so that's all working
towards that, yeah.
Speaker 2 (02:08):
If you're wondering what I'm talking about, the
effortless, it's the podcastpart of this one.
Make sure you listen to itbecause it is so cool,
especially if you're somebodylike Tammy, who this is truly,
as I mentioned on that podcast,life-changing for you.
It really is.
You look really tired right nowas you look at me.
Speaker 1 (02:24):
Oh my gosh, that's what your mother used to say to
me all the time.
Okay, whenever your mom wouldsay that, it would just be like
a dagger to the heart, like whenyou say you look tired.
Really what you're saying isyou look kind of like crap.
Speaker 2 (02:38):
First of all, that is not what I'm saying.
I am not my mother, but I knowyou and I know how you typically
are at this time of day and youdon't look like this normally.
But you did wake up super early, you did go play pickleball,
you left it all out there, youcame home, you worked, and so
you're a little spent right now.
You're going to go to bed alittle early tonight, aren't we?
Speaker 1 (02:59):
Absolutely, you know, I am.
Speaker 2 (03:02):
I know you are so let's knock this out.
All right, yeah, let's knockthis out.
Speaker 1 (03:07):
Today's episode is coming in inspiration from a
book that Joel and I are reading.
I've talked about Emily Nagoskibefore on our podcast, many,
many episodes ago.
I discovered her through a bookcalled Come as you Are that I
read in 2020.
Late 2020, I discovered thatbook.
(03:27):
You and I were having a hardtime.
I was looking for help andanswers and I came across that
book and I feel like it changedour lives.
It was such an impactful bookfor us in understanding how
female desire works andunderstanding, accepting each
other's desire levels.
It was just a completelyeye-opening book.
(03:49):
And she just came out with abrand new book called Come
Together and, of course, Icouldn't wait to buy it.
When I saw she released thatbook and I read chapter one and
then I came to you and I said Ithink maybe you should read this
book too, like this is reallygood stuff.
I feel like she's talking to usdirectly and you were game.
(04:13):
You've been listening to it inyour car on your long drives to
do, to work, and you are wayahead of me.
Then I'm holding on likechapter maybe three.
Speaker 2 (04:25):
So I just crossed over chapter seven today.
Speaker 1 (04:28):
Yes, but you felt like this was a really good
topic to discuss and I agree.
Today we're talking aboutdesire and the things that may
be keeping us from having thesexual relationship we want.
That's what we're going to talkabout today.
In her book, come as you Are, Iwas introduced to the idea of
(04:54):
thinking of desire as like a car.
She uses a car analogy whereyou have an accelerator, you
have the gas pedal and then youhave the brake pedal.
I had kind of forgotten alittle bit about that concept
until reading you're readingthis new book and you came to
and said, oh yeah, rememberabout the accelerators and the
brakes.
I think that's a good thing totalk about, because it's
(05:16):
something I don't really thinkabout and I think we need to
think about it more, especiallyfor couples who are really
struggling in the space ofmeeting each other's sexual
needs, having a lot of conflictin that area, or just women like
me who's feeling like my desirelevel is really low, even
though I'm not going to say thatthat's the truth anymore.
(05:40):
It was just different thanyours.
But we have learned that thereare things that can accelerate a
person's desire or can shut itdown.
Speaker 2 (05:50):
Sure, I feel like I remember exactly where I was
when you even brought thisconcept to me.
We were sitting on our couchupstairs and you were literally
telling me about thisaccelerator and brake things and
of course, I'm like you know.
It was a frustrating time forus at that time.
It was heartbreaking.
Speaker 1 (06:06):
Yes, we were not in a good place.
Speaker 2 (06:07):
Yeah, and it was.
So you weren't, as like,willing to open to hearing this
stuff, yeah, but then, when youstarted saying some of the
analogies to what that meant, itwas like oh, oh, wow, yeah, and
especially the breaks more thananything.
Speaker 1 (06:25):
And can you give us some examples of Well, before I
do that, Emily says that brakes,more than anything, are what
affect desire.
They tend to be a lot strongerthan the accelerators.
So we're thinking about whatthings rev the engine and what
things shut it down.
These can be anything.
(06:46):
They can be memories, they canbe feelings, sensations, things
you see, smell, hear.
One of the things that's good toknow and recognize about the
accelerators and the brakes isthat they're most often, or
oftentimes, not the same for acouple.
(07:07):
So the things that areaccelerators for you aren't
necessarily for me, and viceversa.
And same with brakes the thingsthat are brakes for me aren't
necessarily brakes for you.
So accelerators for me are hardfor me to.
If I'm going to be honest,accelerators are hard for me to
find.
I don't feel like I have a lotof things that rev me up, but I
(07:31):
think if I'm going to picksomething I would say a good
rom-com, a good romantic movie,a glass of wine, those are
accelerators for me.
Accelerators for me are lettinggo of brakes, and we'll talk
about those.
But I think, because we have hadsuch a history of me feeling
(07:55):
broken in that space, I don'treally know a lot of my
accelerators.
For me it's like, once we getgoing, then the accelerator is
there.
But if I'm looking foraccelerators prior to intimacy,
I have a hard time finding that.
If that makes sense, that'swhat's called responsive desire.
(08:15):
I have responsive desire,whereas when we get going, then
the desire comes.
It doesn't tend to show upahead of time, and I think
that's part of the challenge forme is we're talking and trying
to talk about accelerators,thinking about it as what's
going to get you going beforewe're actually in the act,
(08:36):
whereas I don't really work thatway right now in my life.
I'm more like let's get goingand then the desire shows up.
For you.
It's a very different kind of athing.
Speaker 2 (08:48):
Oh, you think you know my accelerators.
Speaker 1 (08:50):
I think I know that you have spontaneous desire,
which is very different.
Many, many men have spontaneousdesire.
Many, many women haveresponsive.
It's not all, it's not acrossthe board, but many will be able
to relate to you.
You have a lot of acceleratorsand they just show up without
(09:14):
you thinking about it, like me,walking across the room.
I don't even have to be withoutclothing.
It could be your favorite pairof jeans or it could be.
Speaker 2 (09:21):
Can we get the ding button?
Speaker 1 (09:22):
going.
A certain look, I give you.
It could be something sexy onTV.
It could be us talking aboutintimate moments that we've had.
You have a lot of accelerators.
Speaker 2 (09:35):
As we're talking about this, it's really
interesting I don't know ifyou're at the chapter yet in her
new book Come Together.
And it's really interestingbecause she's talking about
desire versus pleasure, andreally the ultimate goal isn't
so much to search for desire, tofind desire, to have desire,
it's really to have pleasure andto find pleasure.
(09:57):
And so even if you just saythat word, that word is a shift
too in your thoughts versus oh,I have to have desire, I need to
be desired, I need to feeldesired.
Versus oh, where's my pleasure?
How do I find pleasure?
What is my pleasure?
Speaker 1 (10:13):
Well, I think that it goes back to what I was saying.
Is for us that word?
To me, honestly, that word islike a bad word in a
relationship.
It doesn't bring any kind ofgood feeling, because it was
always, I felt, used in a waythat you don't have it.
What's wrong with you?
I don't like that word, yeah.
So her making that switch andme feeling broken because I'm
(10:38):
supposed to feel something.
I don't feel something.
Desire is supposed to be here,like it is for him.
Her switching it to, ratherthan having to find something
that is elusive.
It's then instead being able tomake a choice as to whether or
not you are open in that momentto exploring pleasure.
(11:01):
I like that way better.
Speaker 2 (11:04):
It was after that chapter that I came to you and I
said, tammy, everybody needs tohear this book, or everyone
needs to read this book.
Speaker 1 (11:09):
Definitely.
I think everybody needs bothbooks.
But that switch is a big, bigswitch for me and I like that a
lot.
Speaker 2 (11:17):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (11:17):
It gives me back a sense of control, rather than me
feeling like I'm trying to findsomething I cannot find.
Speaker 2 (11:25):
Yeah yeah, the whole accelerator and brake still
holds true though, of course,but what we're searching for is
totally.
Speaker 1 (11:36):
I don't think it's a search You're right.
Speaker 2 (11:37):
I think that's the difference, you're right.
Speaker 1 (11:39):
Before.
I was trying to find a desirethat would not show up that
effort in itself.
A ginormous brake, yeah Huge.
It's something that's not there.
I'm supposed to be feeling it.
I feel pressure, pressure is abreak absolute probably the
biggest break that I feel isfeeling pressured either by you
(12:04):
and your pressure is not youneed to do it with me kind of
pressure.
It's.
Why don't you feel this kind ofpressure?
Speaker 2 (12:13):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (12:14):
That is a big, big off button for me.
Speaker 2 (12:17):
Or I don't even have to say that it's not even saying
so much.
Sometimes it's just me lookinga certain way.
Speaker 1 (12:22):
Well, it could be both.
I mean, I have a lot of breaksLike me being hot or being more
cold than anything.
The door needs to be locked,the kids not being around where
they can hear things.
Those are breaks for me.
I'm feeling like I've got a lotof work waiting for me.
That's a big break.
Like the mental load are bigbreaks for me.
Being late at night, being tooearly, being too tired, knowing
(12:45):
I've got to get up too early.
Speaker 2 (12:47):
You know, it's easy to rationalize it when you're
having a conversation like thisand to see oh my gosh, well, I
can totally see all those breaks, but when you're in it,
sometimes it feels bad to you,it feels bad to your partner.
Speaker 1 (13:03):
Oh, you would be so irritated with me because of all
the breaks that you would haveto go through, like a checklist
of making sure all these thingsare handled before my brain is
willing to say, okay, I can behere with you now.
Speaker 2 (13:16):
Hearing this book and actually it's long before this
book and then having thatrealization like, oh, all these
checklists that I've said forthe very long time, either
jokingly or okay, we got to havethis right, this right, light,
right, light, right, you know,and I was making light of it, to
say, oh, that's what'shopefully will get you to come
(13:36):
around, I was like, oh crap,even just saying all that, Made
me feel bad.
Made you feel bad, which is abreak.
Another break yeah.
And so it was.
So it was such a great eyeopener.
You have a lot of breaks andnot as many accelerators, and
how do you work within that?
Speaker 1 (13:51):
If the desire is to, or the hope is to, have more
sexual encounters you know thatare have more pleasure then
hopefully, the effort then is tofigure out how do we minimize
these breaks that are showing upfor us all the time and find
(14:11):
more accelerators, but, morethan anything, be able to shut
down some of these breaks, ifthat's the goal.
Speaker 2 (14:18):
You're right.
I mean, it doesn't have to bethe goal.
Speaker 1 (14:20):
If you're happy where you're at and you guys are both
feeling good and connected andyou're finding a nice middle
ground.
But for us connected and you'refinding a nice middle ground,
but for us we were both on veryopposite pages and that was
seriously damaging ourrelationship.
Speaker 2 (14:35):
Yeah, I feel like I don't want it to come off like
just because I had a higher andyou did not, and why don't you
have more and I should have more?
I think you just said it.
You're trying to meet in themiddle.
Well, we weren't at the timeCorrect, but I'm saying the goal
trying to meet in the middle.
Speaker 1 (14:48):
Well, we weren't at the time.
Speaker 2 (14:49):
Correct, but I'm saying the goal is to meet in
the middle.
Speaker 1 (14:53):
Now we have an understanding like that's the
goal.
But then the understanding orthe thought was I needed to come
to you, I needed to match whereyou were at.
Speaker 2 (15:03):
And you were broken.
Speaker 1 (15:05):
Because I couldn't and you felt I needed to match
you.
And then I felt like I'msupposed to come all the way,
your way, and something is wrongwith me.
Speaker 2 (15:13):
I remember when you sat me down for that chapter in
the book years ago and then Iremember at the end you
literally being a differentperson and you referenced that
book I think more than any otherbook on the podcast.
Speaker 1 (15:28):
Because the number one argument we were having was
related to sex.
We could not get past it.
No matter all the other growthwe did, it hung us up.
Speaker 2 (15:38):
And you felt like you were finally seen by someone.
Speaker 1 (15:43):
A hundred percent.
She made me feel completelyseen, completely normal.
There's nothing wrong with me.
Speaker 2 (15:50):
Did this book change our relationship?
It really did.
Speaker 1 (15:56):
I think what we realized from regarding the
accelerators and brakes and Idon't want this to come off
harsh, we've talked about thismany times, so-.
Speaker 2 (16:00):
Okay, my arms are crossed, go ahead, go ahead.
Speaker 1 (16:02):
You know this, but it is vulnerable to be able to say
things like this out loud.
Speaker 2 (16:07):
I don't know what you're going to say, but yeah.
Speaker 1 (16:14):
It's hard to talk about this stuff because, truly,
it wrecked us for a really longtime.
So it's hard to talk aboutthose hard times and also like,
wow, we've come a really longway.
But I've come to realize and Ithink you have too that my
number one break was you andyour approach to me.
Yeah, yeah, it was a lack ofunderstanding and a sense of me
(16:42):
always feeling like I wassupposed to be someplace.
I'm not.
And the minute you were able tolet that go and take the
pressure off and come from aplace of true like understanding
of me and like acceptance, Iget this about you.
(17:03):
I understand your, I understandhow this works.
I get your desire.
I get that you're responsive.
There was suddenly no sense ofshame about it anymore.
And then everything has changedand now I feel free and at ease
to find desire in places Inever could before, to find
(17:26):
desire in places I never couldbefore, and it's changed our
relationship dramatically.
How does that feel?
Me saying that?
Speaker 2 (17:35):
Well, it makes me feel two feelings.
The first one is I'm very, very, very grateful that I have
somebody like you that takes thetime to want to improve for
yourself, for us, make us better.
I feel so grateful for that.
I was there and got toexperience that reverse side
(17:58):
because you took the time toread the book and then shared it
with me.
I know it takes a willingpartner and an open mind and
truth.
Looking in the mirror and hey,where am I at this moment.
You know what I mean.
I know it takes all that, butbut it was your act that I don't
want to say force that change,but really put that change in
(18:19):
front of us where I couldactually make it.
That's the first feeling I'm sograteful.
The second thing is I do getconcerned.
I don't want, whether it be aman or a woman who's on the like
, experiencing what weexperienced, to weaponize what
you just said and say see, thisis your fault, that I'm feeling
this way.
I don't.
So I do get a little nervousabout that, because you say this
(18:41):
to every person that comes upto you Like it takes two in a
relationship.
You know it starts with you tomake the change and then it goes
from there, but it has to startwith you A hundred percent.
You always say that to people.
It does take you.
You were the one who weremaking the changes for you.
You wanted to improve you andthen I'm just the partner that I
(19:03):
want to improve with you.
I want to.
I want to be with you, I want tobe with you, I want to grow
with you and and I'm hoping thatwhen other people hear what you
just said that I was yourbiggest break that the only
reason you knew that must bebecause you finally got an
understanding of it.
I don't want people to do thatand then turn to their spouses
(19:24):
and go see.
It's you the reason why, whenwe're sharing with you the truth
here, even when you brought itto me, you're right, I was
defensive, I didn't.
It's you the reason why, whenwe're sharing with you the truth
here, even when you brought itto me, you're right, I was
defensive, I didn't.
That's not me.
This is you.
What are you talking about?
Speaker 1 (19:35):
And then, as time went on and I started doing my
own deep dive and staring in themirror and it wasn't overnight
at all- I think it is veryimportant, first of all, to
recognize that you can't go tosomebody and say, see, this is
(19:56):
your fault, look what you'redoing and expect to get some
kind of positive reaction.
That was my job is to learn howto approach you with things
that I was feeling in a waywhere you were able and willing
to hear it.
And, on the other end, I dothink it's really important to
recognize that if your partneris bringing to you something
(20:18):
it's feeling like it's somethingyou're doing wrong, your
natural reaction is to bedefensive about it and try to
argue how it's not the case.
But I think it's reallyimportant to work really hard to
set those defenses aside andrecognize that if they're
bringing you something, thatmeans something is off.
Speaker 2 (20:36):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (20:37):
Even if you don't see it or you don't agree with it,
whether or not you agreed everthat about my responsive desire
or how desire works for me, whenI would always tell you the
things that work for you don'twork for me.
Or just because I'm not liketurned on of you walking across
the room doesn't mean I'm notattracted to you, like these
(20:57):
things that we would constantlyargue about.
Just because you don't agreedoesn't mean that it's not valid
for me.
So if I'm bringing to you afeeling like like whatever, I'm
not being heard or seen, even ifyou don't agree, that's
something that you need to stepback and say okay, this is how
(21:18):
she's feeling, even though Iagree.
How can I do a better job ofhearing and listening to her?
So I'm trying to, I guess, goagainst what you're saying, not
against.
I'm trying to recognize whatyou're saying about weaponizing
and somebody coming out theirpartner and saying, see, this is
it.
But there's two sides to howthat conversation can go.
(21:39):
You don't ever want to approacha conversation that way and the
hope is that your partner isgoing to be able to hear you on
the other side.
And this happened over yearsfor us, you know, long before
this book we were working onthis Long, long, long before.
This just happened to be onebook that felt transformative
and allowed us to actually startputting things to bed.
Speaker 2 (22:03):
Yeah, because we've shared in the past that we've
overcome so many other things inour relationship.
But yeah, the sex was the.
I mean it was like the lastfrontier for us to be on the
same page.
It really was.
Speaker 1 (22:18):
Meaning to come to like a real, clear understanding
and acceptance and stop judgingeach other for not being where
we wanted their partner to be.
I wanted you to be less, Iwanted you to not have to want
every day, you know, and youwanted me to want more.
And until we could figure outhow to come to an understanding
and an acceptance of that abouteach other without bitterness
(22:42):
attached to it, there was nogrowth that could be happening.
Speaker 2 (22:46):
Absolutely.
And this book, come as you Are,was that turning point for us?
And this book right now, comeTogether.
I truly feel like I'm tellingyou if you're in a relationship,
you guys, you need to listen tothis book.
Speaker 1 (23:04):
I just want to say that thank you, because back
when I 20, 25 years ago orwhatever, when I found the book,
you didn't have a real opennessand again, we weren't in a
great place, but you didn'treally have an openness to
wanting to read it yourself.
You would, you know, just tellme what you're, what you want me
(23:26):
to hear, kind of thing yeah andthen now, after all the work
we've done over the last fiveyears and fixing this particular
problem, now you're so open toreading it on your own.
You're like, way the heck infront of me.
You're reading and listening toit in the car.
You've got stuff you want toshare with me about what you've
(23:47):
heard.
It's just really really nice.
Speaker 2 (23:51):
You know, I will say I I really really love you and I
really really.
I mean it sounds so corny, butI really love our sex life more
now than I ever have in my life.
And and I think the reason forthat is is because so many of
those shackles that we had andwe're not perfect and we fall
(24:15):
into old habits and we fall intoold fears that you know pop up
for us but to move out of themwe're so much quicker and it's
so wonderful because we trulyhave come together to meet each
other's needs where we're at.
Speaker 1 (24:32):
You know.
What's interesting, though, isour actual sex life really
hasn't changed.
Speaker 2 (24:40):
No, it really hasn't Our frequency it hasn't changed.
No.
Speaker 1 (24:59):
But yet you and I both feel like we are in the
best place we've ever been inour sex life.
No shame about how we areletting go of that, letting go
of all the pressure.
That's what's changed.
That's what's allowed us tofind a connection rather than a
combat that we were alwaysfeeling about it.
(25:19):
Our actual sex life is the same, but it's made us feel so much
closer and connected and freeand loved and accepted, and
that's really interesting to me.
Speaker 2 (25:33):
It is.
You said that not too long ago.
I said, you know, off the air.
You know, you said off the airand I was like, oh you're right,
it really hasn't changed much.
But my-.
Speaker 1 (25:42):
What you always wanted was seemingly more.
Speaker 2 (25:46):
Right.
Speaker 1 (25:47):
But that hasn't necessarily happened.
Speaker 2 (25:50):
No, I feel like we're so much more connected.
I don't feel like it's it's aburden to you.
I don't feel like I'm coming toyou in making you feel bad to
have sex with me or having topursue all the time to pursue
all the time having to pursueall the time or feeling bad for
(26:15):
okay, I know she's not, but letme you know.
Speaker 1 (26:16):
I don't, I don't, I don't ever have those moments
anymore.
Speaker 2 (26:17):
Yeah, I really don't.
I can't think of the last timeI had a moment like that.
Speaker 1 (26:20):
Me too, I feel grateful for all the work that
we've done.
It's made a massive impact andI really feel like I owe it,
starting to this book or notthis book, but her first book.
Speaker 2 (26:34):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (26:34):
Yeah, for sure.
I was saying how one thing, onereason that our sex life is
better is because of how wecommunicate about it.
Speaker 2 (26:44):
I mean we originally started talking about
accelerators or brakes, right?
Mean we originally startedtalking about accelerators or
brakes, right?
I feel like I didn't know allyour brakes in the beginning.
When you sat me down andstarted talking about it, I was,
you know, I had this list ofthem.
You got to be comfortable.
You gotta get this.
Speaker 1 (27:00):
You gotta be that I think it's how you, like you
knew the brakes, though, becauseyou would give me this
checklist it's how you perceivedthose breaks.
Speaker 2 (27:09):
Exactly.
I didn't know that these weretrue things that were preventing
you from moving on the otherside of the door.
Speaker 1 (27:19):
They were just annoyances to you, yeah exactly.
Speaker 2 (27:22):
They were just like oh my gosh, I got to do this,
Let me get this ready.
And it was more like a choreversus oh, wait a minute.
Oh, these are preventing herfrom feeling comfortable,
preventing her from allowingherself to relax, and if you're
not relaxed, what do I think isgoing to happen?
Speaker 1 (27:46):
It's more like you found a respect for that rather
than you being bugged by it,yeah, yeah.
And also your biggest desire,or what you always tell me, is
that you want me to be happy andfind pleasure myself, and I
can't do that without all thosethings.
(28:07):
So you being able to lean intothat and wanting me to enjoy
myself, perceiving it that way,I think, gave you some
perspective.
That kind of shifted how you'rethinking about this checklist.
Speaker 2 (28:21):
Yeah, these breaks are really important.
Speaker 1 (28:23):
Yeah, exactly.
Speaker 2 (28:24):
For us.
Speaker 1 (28:24):
Respect for it.
Yeah For us.
Speaker 2 (28:26):
Yeah, yeah, so you're right, it was the perspective I
had towards these uh sort ofthe breaks and just because
they're things that you don'tunderstand doesn't mean they're
not really big.
Speaker 1 (28:36):
For me, going back to our big shift coming from our
ability to really communicate ina really good, healthy, open
way about all these things thatwe were learning good, healthy,
open way about all these thingsthat we were learning I believe
that in order to have a veryclose, intimate relationship,
(28:56):
you need to be able to talkabout sex.
You have to be.
I think that if you are havingthe same kinds of issues that we
were having, the place to startis to be able to open up
communication about sex.
So many couples don't talkabout it and it's going to limit
(29:18):
your ability to be as close andconnected as you may desire to
be connected as you may desireto be.
So I think that opening up thecommunication about it is a
really great place to start.
Now, some people have nevertalked about good, you know deep
stuff.
So jumping right into sex isprobably a landmine and maybe
(29:40):
not a place to go.
So you might want to start justby doing, like the couples,
questions like the cards that Ihave, just taking them on date
night, making it fun.
They're not about sex, they'rejust fun questions to ask each
other.
Maybe that's a great way tostep into being able to
communicate with each other alittle bit better and kind of a
fun laid back kind of a way.
(30:00):
But if you are open to talkingabout sex with each other you
have talked about it you mightwant to approach the idea of
accelerators and brakes byasking each other some questions
.
Maybe have a date night wherewe're going to talk about sex
tonight and ask each other thequestion what are your brakes,
why, what are your acceleratorsand why on both sides.
Speaker 2 (30:24):
Try to be no judgment .
Speaker 1 (30:26):
Yes, there are rules Whenever you be no judgment.
Yes, there are rules.
Whenever you're havingconversations like this, there
are definite rules, and one ismaking sure that you're both in
a good, open space.
You don't wanna be having theseconversations in the middle of,
like, an argument or tension oranything like that.
You wanna find a good time forthis.
You definitely wanna come at itwith an open mind and you
(30:48):
absolutely have to put judgmentaside, just as you're saying.
Speaker 2 (30:52):
I just want to remind , like you're married to this
individual.
When you got married, it wasexcitement, it was joy.
You put the ring on your finger, you said the vows, Like take
that same mindset into adiscussion like this.
Just remember why you're there,why you started, how it all
started, I don't know.
Just you know, ground yourselfin that because we have so much
(31:16):
compassion and heart when wethink about oh yeah, this is a
person I said yes to, this is aperson I want to spend the rest
of my life with.
Not this is my enemy and thisis my person.
Who's preventing me from doingthis or that?
I don't know.
I just like change yourperspective.
Speaker 1 (31:33):
Approach the conversation with compassion,
yeah there we go.
Speaker 2 (31:36):
That's a much easier way to say it.
Approach it with compassion.
Speaker 1 (31:40):
I think that's a very good, a very good tip.
Think about being accepting ofyour partner's answers and I
know that's really hard to do,but it's going back to what I
said before how just because youmay not agree doesn't mean it's
not a true feeling for them andit's not valid.
And if the conversation turnsheated, it's time to take a
(32:03):
break and revisit it at anothertime.
So approach these conversationswith some delicacy.
One thing I always heard peoplesay whenever I post questions
couples questions on Instagramis people will always be like
well, this is the way to startan argument, which isn't how
we've gone about our questions.
(32:24):
Don't start arguments with eachother, so I always have a hard
time putting myself in thatplace, but for some people and
some couples it does.
It's very sensitive, there's alot of defensiveness, so it does
.
So I just want you to be verycareful and aware of that and if
you need to start in a moresensitive place, start in a more
careful and sensitive place,but the ultimate idea being how
(32:46):
can we be more open with eachother about our sex lives so
that we can begin to talk aboutsome of these accelerators and
brakes and we can begin to movetowards the, so we can move
towards a sex life that we'vealways desired to have.
Speaker 2 (33:01):
I can't stress enough how valuable the knowledge has
been in these two books, how ittransformed our relationship.
Do yourself and yourrelationship a favor Go out and
get one or both of these booksand truly invest in your
relationship.
Speaker 1 (33:19):
Thank you, baby, thank you for reading it, thanks
for being open and talkingabout it with me.
It's just, it's awesome.
I love it.
Speaker 2 (33:28):
It is it, I'm very grateful.
Speaker 1 (33:30):
I'm happy that I have a partner who's willing to do
that, and I really appreciatethat.
Speaker 2 (33:37):
I appreciate you my love so much, so you know it.
Speaker 1 (33:41):
All right.
Well, I think that'll wrap itup for today.
Go have discussions about youraccelerators and brakes and find
ways to minimize those brakes.
Speaker 2 (33:50):
Yeah, so that you can get closer to getting married,
and naked, sorry.
Speaker 1 (33:56):
Exactly.
All right, that'll do it fortoday.
We'll talk to you next time onthe Married and Naked podcast.
Bye, everybody.
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