April 14, 2025 • 22 mins
Talking to your kids about dating, relationships, and sex may be one of the most uncomfortable parenting responsibilities, but it doesn't have to be! In this episode, Jason Shinn (Hope Youth Director) and Amanda Cavaliere (Parenting and Marriage Coordinator, Preschool Director) tackle this conversation with humor, practical advice, honestly, and encouragement.
Ready to become more comfortable with these essential conversations? Want to keep talking about it? Join Amanda and Jason for a parenting small group on April 27th at 9AM in the chapel at HOPE. Sign up here! meethope.org/groups
Thanks for being a part of the HOPE community as we continue conversations about faith and hope! You can learn more at meethope.org or find us on socials @meethopechurch. Join in for worship on Sundays at meethope.online.church! Have a question? Contact us at podcast@meethope.org.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:03):
Welcome to the Meet Hope podcast, where we have
conversations about faith andhope.
Hope is one church made ofpeople living out their faith
through two expressions inperson and online.
We believe a hybrid faithexperience can lead to a growing
influence in our community andour world for the sake of others
.
Welcome to Hope.
(00:23):
Our world for the sake ofothers.
Welcome to Hope.
Speaker 2 (00:29):
Welcome to the Meet Hope podcast.
My name is Jason Shin.
I'm the youth director here atHope and I am with Amanda
Cavallari.
Speaker 3 (00:36):
Hi Jason.
Speaker 2 (00:37):
Hey, and you have many job hats.
Speaker 3 (00:42):
Many job hats.
I'm tomorrow's Hope preschooldirector as well as the
parenting and marriagecoordinator here at Hope.
Speaker 2 (00:45):
That's a big one, yep , and we lead a small group once
a month with parents of teensand tweens and we have awesome
conversations and we've got onecoming up April 27th that we're
really excited about and thispodcast.
We're going for a trophy,amanda, most awkward
conversation of the year.
Speaker 3 (01:03):
No, it's going to be great.
Speaker 2 (01:05):
It's going to be good it's going to be good.
It's going to be great, and sowe are talking about sex and
dating and having thoseconversations with our students
sooner rather than later.
Speaker 3 (01:16):
Yes, so this is really for parents and how they
can talk to their kids aboutthese topics, and we learned
while we were preparing for thisthat this is just going to
scrape the surface.
This could be weeks and weeksand weeks, jason, that I know
would make you so excited.
We could have a whole series onthis, but we are going to just
scrape the surface today andthen invite parents to our small
(01:38):
group on April 27th to continuethe conversation Absolutely
Great.
So we are starting this because, Jason, you just finished a
four-week series on dating withHope Youth.
So how did that go?
Speaker 2 (01:51):
As well as you would expect.
We did four weeks.
We started with the topic ofwhat is love, the difference
between I love Taco Bell and Ilove my wife.
We looked at 1 Corinthians 13.
And then we asked the questionam I dateable?
And we looked at what kind ofwork are you doing before you
even jump into this dating pool?
(02:12):
And then what do we look for insignificant others?
And then we wrapped up withintensity versus intimacy and
talking about kind of thepressures to feel like they have
to date and how sometimes, whenthey're oversharing, they feel
like they have an intimaterelationship and really they
might have a pressuredrelationship.
(02:32):
And so we talked about kind ofthat type of stuff and then two
weeks ago I said, hey, thisseries is going so well that
certain kids have asked me ifthey could go longer, if we
could do this longer.
So I thought of extending thedating series for three or four
more weeks and the entire crowdbooed me.
Speaker 3 (02:48):
Really Wow, that's shocking, actually, wow.
Well, you know it can be anawkward topic.
Like you said, it can bechallenging.
Speaker 2 (02:59):
But an important one.
Speaker 3 (03:00):
So, so important right To have with kids and for
parents to have with their kids,and so I'm curious, Jason how
did your parents handle thiswith you?
Speaker 2 (03:11):
My parents, it was interesting.
I went to private school untileighth grade and I don't think
private school talked about sexand dating until high school.
And then I went to publicschool for ninth through twelfth
grade and the high school hadalready talked about it.
So I feel like I missed it fromthe school aspect and I feel
like my parents had maybe aconversation or two with me, but
(03:34):
it definitely wasn't somethingthat we sought each other out
over.
How about you?
Speaker 3 (03:38):
Okay, so my mom was a nurse full of medical
information, and so she kind ofattacked this conversation from
that angle with a book anddiagrams and sat down Technical
terms.
Technical terms and sat downwith me one time with this book
and did the whole puberty to sexin one time.
Speaker 2 (03:59):
One and done.
Speaker 3 (04:00):
One and done, closed the book, never to be discussed
again.
Right?
So there you go.
Speaker 2 (04:06):
I feel like there's a lot of parents that either look
to the school to do it or tryto do it in a one and done, and
research finds that it'sactually more drive-by
conversations lots of drive-byconversations that work better
than just the one and done orwaiting for the school to do it.
(04:26):
Oh yeah, which is kind of whatwe're talking, which is why we
want to talk about it at youthgroup, but also with together on
April 27th.
Speaker 3 (04:34):
Yeah, and it.
It is uncomfortable and it isawkward, but it's too important
of a topic to avoid.
So you're not going to do allthe time in youth group and
we're not going to talk aboutthis all time in youth group and
we're not going to talk aboutthis all the time at home, but
we need to make sure it's beingaddressed in somewhat of a
regular basis.
And I found this great quotethat said, if you think having
(04:54):
uncomfortable conversations ishard, wait until you see the
results of not having them.
And to me, when I read that,all I could think of was this
conversation you got to betalking about this with your
kids, or sometimes theconsequences are going to be
even more challenging.
Speaker 2 (05:10):
Yeah, you know, we've been thinking about this at
Hope Youth a lot and it'sinteresting.
We don't have a ton of peopledating per se, but man, they're
sure interested in it and theywill push back and push back.
But I heard from my small groupleaders that it was probably
the easiest and bestconversations that they had
because the kids were reallyinterested in the topic and the
small group leaders were able toshare kind of their success
(05:32):
stories but also failure andfunny stories, and so they had
conversations around this topic.
And I think you're right, it'suncomfortable, but wait until
you see the results of nothaving these conversations.
I think that's a reallypowerful quote.
Speaker 3 (05:45):
Yeah, and we as parents want to establish
ourselves as the source on thistopic, because if our kids
aren't coming to us, they'recurious.
Like you just said, they wantto talk about a youth group.
So if they're not coming to uswith that curiosity, they're
going to either their friends orthe internet, and both are not
(06:06):
the best sources.
Speaker 2 (06:07):
I think the scariest source is the pocket computer
that they carry with them andsleep with on a regular basis.
You know what they do.
When they're sitting at homewith just their phone and they
have a question and no one'saround, or they don't feel
comfortable having aconversation with a trusted
adult, they go to the internet,and that can lead down to some
horrible paths.
Speaker 3 (06:28):
So my son, years ago I mean years ago came up to my
husband and I and he had hisphone and he said so I heard the
word skinny dipping and Ilooked it up on my phone and
this is what I found.
I'm uncomfortable with what Ifound.
And I said where did you hearthe word skinny dipping?
(06:49):
And he said from Gigi, who ismy mother.
Let's go back to the nurse.
And so I mean what do you dowith that, jason?
This is from his grandmother'stalk about skinny dipping.
Speaker 2 (06:59):
It might be time for a drive by conversation.
There might be a teachablemoment in this.
Speaker 3 (07:06):
There is a teachable moment in that.
So it was multiple teachablemoments.
But you know, these things aregoing to come up all the time
and we have to be ready to talkabout it.
And I feel like the other thingis is that sometimes parents
are like, if I talk about sexwith my kid, I talk they're
going to go do it, and so thelonger I wait to talk about it,
(07:26):
the longer I have to put off forthem to do, and that's just not
true.
Speaker 2 (07:30):
We actually found some really cool resources that
we're going to hand out at ourApril 27th small group, and a
lot of the resources have linksit's a PDF that have links to
research studies, and studiesactually say that talking to
kids about sex doesn't startthem on an unhealthy path.
It actually does the opposite.
The fear is that if we havethese conversations, that kids
(07:52):
are going to go down these paths, but in reality, if we don't
have these open and honestconversations, kids make
mistakes and I've been seeingthat.
I've seen it over.
I've been doing this for 20years.
You're obviously a parent.
I'm sure you've got stories offriends of your kids and stuff
like that.
In fact, parents actually feelunprepared or unequipped.
(08:14):
But, like we've been talkingabout, don't let this stop you
from having the conversation Oneof the Bible actually talks
about in Philippians 4, 5, and 7, the Lord is near.
Do not be anxious aboutanything about.
In Philippians 4, 5, and 7, theLord is near.
Do not be anxious aboutanything, but in every situation
, even the sex and dating talk,every situation by prayer and
petition, with thanksgiving,present your requests to God.
(08:35):
And the peace of God, whichtranscends all understanding,
will guard your hearts and mindin Christ Jesus.
Is that not the verse for thistopic?
Speaker 3 (08:41):
That's the verse.
Right, do not fear, right?
We don't want to go into thiswith fear.
And yet there is so much to beanxious about for parents, right
, they're anxious aboutreflecting on their own sexual
past, right?
And what do they tell theirkids?
What do they not tell theirkids?
And so there's anxiety there.
There's anxiety about talkingto your kids about consent.
(09:01):
There's anxiety about talkingto your kids that sex is made to
be pleasurable, like that's whyGod created it.
Speaker 2 (09:07):
It's God designed.
Speaker 3 (09:08):
Yeah, that's why God created it, but that's
uncomfortable to say to yourchild in some ways.
Speaker 2 (09:13):
I think the anxiety is really about a perfectionism
that we have to have all of ouranswers set up and if we don't
have any answers, we're notgoing to have any conversation
until we have those answers.
And in the void?
Kids fill in the void withwhatever resources they can find
.
Speaker 3 (09:29):
Yeah, and the other thing is, if we choose not to
talk about this with our kids,it also sends the message of
something else, which tends tobe shame guilt.
If mom and dad don't talk aboutthis, then it shouldn't be
talked about.
Speaker 2 (09:45):
It's something I should be embarrassed of.
Speaker 3 (09:47):
It's something I should be embarrassed of,
exactly, and it shuts it downand we don't want to be sending
that message either, right?
We don't want our kids to befilled with shame over this
topic, because truly it is agift from God or fear yeah.
Speaker 2 (10:00):
This is a topic I can't have a conversation with
trusted adults, with my parentsor my youth leaders or anything
like that.
Speaker 3 (10:05):
Yeah, All right.
So here's the question.
Okay, what you got?
Speaker 2 (10:07):
And obviously I got to speak to the parent in the
room.
Speaker 1 (10:09):
Oh.
Speaker 2 (10:10):
When do you start talking to your kids about
dating and sex and all the stuffin between?
Speaker 3 (10:16):
Yeah, so sooner than later, and there's lots of ways
to do this organically.
So when kids are little likethe preschool age kids parents
can just talk about bodies withgoodness and you know, god
created our bodies and your bodyis beautiful and it's made in
his image and body parts.
And talking about body partsand using their names
(10:37):
appropriately.
Speaker 2 (10:38):
And the differences aren't bad.
Speaker 3 (10:39):
The differences aren't bad and all of these
things are good, and teachingthem that it's okay to ask
questions about why he has thispart and she doesn't, and all of
those things Like brothers andsisters might notice in the tub
that they look different and why.
And just very comfortable, easyconversations.
And then, as they age, it'swhat we have been saying, which
(11:02):
is, let's have smallerconversations all along the way
instead of that one-time talk,because they're curious all
along the way and differentthings are gonna come up at
different times when you areleast prepared, right?
So I pick up a child frommiddle school.
The child gets in the car.
How was your day?
My day was good.
(11:22):
Health class was weird.
Okay, why was health classweird?
Well, we watched a video onSTDs.
Oh, okay, an award-winningvideo An award-winning video.
And then the question do you anddad have STDs?
And so here I am at the end ofmy day having to have this one
(11:43):
of these little conversations inthe car.
I'm not ready for it.
I haven't prepared the STDconversation, right, and so it's
just.
You know, I do what I do allthe time when they ask me
something, I'm not ready toanswer it as I throw them back.
A question why?
What did the video say aboutSTDs?
Right?
Did it make it sound likeeverybody?
Speaker 2 (11:59):
well, yeah, right, so the video did not help you at
all.
Speaker 3 (12:03):
The video just added more fear and so.
But then it opened theconversation to well.
This is why god designed sex tobe in an exclusive relationship
, right?
Was I ready at 4 pm 4 30 on awed Wednesday to have that
conversation?
I was not, but we need to be.
That's the hard part aboutparenting, jason, is that you
(12:23):
never know what's coming at you.
Speaker 2 (12:26):
And there's moments like when you're watching movies
or TV shows where you can haveconversations about dating
relationships, about sex, asyou're skipping that scene.
Speaker 3 (12:35):
But it's also easier sometimes to have it be removed
right.
So there it is on TV.
You can talk about the TV sceneand it's not about them
personally, and so it makes it alittle bit easier to talk about
too.
Speaker 2 (12:49):
There's a family in one of our small groups.
Our small group is all aboutconversation.
It's all about parents sharingwith parents the good, the bad
and the hilarious.
Speaker 3 (12:59):
Lots of hilarious.
Speaker 2 (13:01):
And there's one guy, one dad, who specifically has
these conversations, but healways does it in the car and he
always does it with an end goal, like hey, we're going to go
over it, we're going to go tothe park or we're going to go to
this.
And so the kid knows thisconversation is only going to
last 15 minutes because he knowsthere's an end point.
Speaker 3 (13:18):
And nobody's looking at each other while they're
having this conversation.
Speaker 2 (13:21):
Yeah, that's the good thing about the car Brilliant
stuff, and it's one of the coolthings about the small group is
sharing these ideas and sharingwhat's worked, what hasn't
worked, why it's worked andstuff like that, and so tying
that into this conversation, Ithink, is really important.
Speaker 3 (13:34):
Yeah.
So I think the sooner thebetter and the sooner the better
, and if you haven't startedhaving these conversations yet,
it's not too late.
It's never too late ever.
Start having them sooner thanlater and we'll talk about how
more, and in our small group too.
But why did you feel the needto teach this at Hope Youth?
Speaker 2 (13:50):
I feel the need because it's something that I
feel like the church shouldcover.
It's an important conversationto have with the group and it's
important, I think, think havingnot just another resource
besides the parents talkingabout the same message I think
reinforces what you're trying tocommunicate at home.
I feel like it's reallyimportant.
Obviously, it's also importantbecause God designed us for
relationship and so beingtogether and getting these
(14:15):
conversations going outside ofthe home is really important too
, and also I think students,when they read the Bible, can
sometimes feel like God is outto kill their fun.
Speaker 3 (14:25):
Right, yeah, all the rules, jason, all the rules, all
the don'ts.
Speaker 2 (14:28):
God is a cosmic killjoy, when, in fact, I always
present the kids with aquestion, with the students with
a question what if the creatorof the universe, the creator who
spent so much time creating youas an individual, is actually
not out to kill your fun, butactually out to protect you from
hurt and harm?
What if that God cares andloves you so much?
So having these conversationsis a way to protect us from hurt
(14:50):
and harm, and so that's one ofthe reasons why we want to have
the conversation here at HopeYouth.
Speaker 3 (14:54):
I love that.
That's really good and as aparent, I appreciate there being
other sources outside of myhusband and I.
Right, we want to be the firstsource, but sometimes they are
more comfortable talking totheir youth leader or trusted
adult about these questions.
Speaker 2 (15:09):
Sometimes they feel safer having a conversation with
a group of all chuckleheadeighth grade boys and their two
small group leaders, andsometimes they don't, but
sometimes it's just good forthem to be in it together.
Speaker 3 (15:21):
And just even knowing maybe I didn't talk at small
group about that, but knowingthat my leader is a source for
that, and maybe six, 12 monthsfrom now, it makes me think.
Oh, I need to go back to thatrelationship that I had with my
small group leader and askingthem because I trust them.
Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2 (15:45):
So the question then is where do we start?
And obviously we're not goingto give a ton of answers,
because we're this is a wholeteaser for our April 27th small
group.
But what are some?
What are some key things thatwe can, that we can think of as
we consider these conversations,whether your, your, your child
is in preschool, elementary,middle or high school, maybe
even college, I'm not sure.
Speaker 3 (16:00):
Yeah, well, I think that it's important that you, as
the adult, and if you aremarried, that you with your
co-parent, have the conversationof what is the message that we
want to give our child.
What do we wish we had knownand understood about sex and
dating from an early age?
You, you before we can teachanything, we have to know what
(16:23):
it is we want to teach right andso the first thing we need to
do is come up with what is themessage that we want them to
know.
What do we want them to knowabout what, what, what their
bodies are and how they work?
And you know, there's.
There's the science and themedical piece of sex, right, but
there's also all the emotionalparts, and the spiritual and the
spiritual parts and coming upwith your spouse or your
(16:46):
co-parent with together as ateam.
This is the message that wewant our kids to know.
Speaker 2 (16:52):
What are the key takeaways?
I want my kid to know rocksolid.
What are those key takeaways?
Speaker 3 (16:58):
Yes, and that's not something that Jason or I can
tell parents to do.
You know, parents need to havethat themselves before they even
start.
You know, what is it that wewant our kids to know Any age?
What are the values that youwant to communicate about your
bodies in sex and dating?
Right?
Why do we date?
(17:18):
Did you talk about that withthe kids?
Speaker 2 (17:20):
We did.
We talked about how we'redesigned for relationship.
We also talked about, it's okayif you're not ready to date,
and we wanted to give permissionbecause there's a pressure in
middle and high school that I'mnot anything unless I've got
this other person and that'skind of that intensity versus
intimacy, like there's anintense pressure to date when
you may not be even ready orinterested but you do it because
(17:42):
your friend's expecting.
So we talked a lot about that.
In fact, one of the thingswe've talked about is how might
the message that we're gettingat home and at church be
different than the message thatthey're getting from their
friends, from what they'rewatching on TV, from culture?
Is it okay to be different?
And we definitely gavepermission for it to be okay to
be different.
Speaker 3 (18:03):
Yeah, that's so hard.
That is hard.
Our kids struggle in so manyways with all that pressure, and
this is just another area thatthey're struggling with.
Speaker 2 (18:14):
It makes it all the more important to have as many
drive-by conversations as we can.
Speaker 3 (18:18):
Yes, and you found this note, which I thought was
great, to try and condense yourmessage into one sentence we
need to be talking less and theyneed to be talking more right.
These conversations should notbe us just saying do this, don't
do that, do this, don't do that, do this, don't do that.
It needs to be conversational.
Speaker 2 (18:39):
I think a big piece of the conversation is.
It's not as simple as like yougot it in a straightforward,
one-time topic.
I got it in a smallconversations, but I feel like
you know, I wish I had thecourage to talk to my parents
about what I felt was gray areasand you know different
situations I found myself in,but too often I found myself
(19:02):
going.
I got to handle this on my own.
I can't talk to my parents andthat was more about me than
anything else.
But I think that that's reallyimportant for us to try to
condense our messages intosimple things that people can
remember as they face situations, but also opening them up to
come back to have.
I have a question I know yousaid this and they may have that
(19:25):
sentence for you what does itlook like when I'm in this
situation?
And that's an amazing carconversation, an amazing walking
around the neighborhoodconversation.
Amazing car conversation andamazing walking around the
neighborhood conversation.
Speaker 3 (19:33):
Yeah, and, and just that we let them come to us with
whatever their questions may be, without making fun of them,
without making them embarrassed,without laughing Right, because
, boy, when he said yeah, what'sskinny dipping?
I mean, you know part of me waslike what and then part of me
was laughing inside, right andand the definition on his phone
(19:56):
it's like okay.
But trying to like any questionthey bring to us to just take
it as we might be inside goingoh my gosh, oh my gosh, I don't
know how to handle this.
But trying to have that face isjust calm and confident and
it's okay.
Speaker 2 (20:11):
I think Pastor Rick would be proud if we mentioned
Ted Lasso.
Speaker 3 (20:14):
Okay.
Speaker 2 (20:16):
Be curious, not judgmental, yes, and so asking
questions instead of justsnapping to a judgment or
snapping to a quick answer.
Asking questions, so you knowthe STD video, what did the STD?
That was a great question.
Well, it bought me time tothink.
I was going to say, as you werepanic thinking.
But the questions give themtime to express themselves, but
also us time to gather ourthoughts.
(20:37):
So be curious, not judgmental.
So trying to get to the heartof why are they asking these
questions is a really importantthing.
Speaker 3 (20:44):
Yeah, yeah.
So I mean this.
Like we said, there is so muchout there, we have so many
resources that we want to sharewith parents and we could not
cover it in one quick podcast.
So we encourage people to joinus on April 27th at 9 am in the
chapel as we dive into thisconversation and talk about this
(21:04):
and more challenges too.
There's a lot more challengeshere, with peer pressure and
consent and pornography and somany other things that we didn't
get to jump into here, but webelieve that this is an
important topic to wrestletogether with and have these
discussion with our kids, right,jason?
Speaker 2 (21:20):
Absolutely, it'll be a good time.
Speaker 3 (21:22):
Yeah, so we appreciate you listening today.
We hope to see lots of you onApril 27th and if you like this
podcast, we encourage you toshare it with a friend download
(21:54):
it, pass it on and you can learnmore at meethopeorg or find us
on socials at meethopechurch.
Welcome to the Meet Hope podcast, where we have
conversations about faith andhope.
Hope is one church made ofpeople living out their faith
through two expressions inperson and online.
We believe a hybrid faithexperience can lead to a growing
influence in our community andour world for the sake of others
.
Welcome to Hope.
(00:23):
Our world for the sake ofothers.
Welcome to Hope.
Speaker 2 (00:29):
Welcome to the Meet Hope podcast.
My name is Jason Shin.
I'm the youth director here atHope and I am with Amanda
Cavallari.
Speaker 3 (00:36):
Hi Jason.
Speaker 2 (00:37):
Hey, and you have many job hats.
Speaker 3 (00:42):
Many job hats.
I'm tomorrow's Hope preschooldirector as well as the
parenting and marriagecoordinator here at Hope.
Speaker 2 (00:45):
That's a big one, yep , and we lead a small group once
a month with parents of teensand tweens and we have awesome
conversations and we've got onecoming up April 27th that we're
really excited about and thispodcast.
We're going for a trophy,amanda, most awkward
conversation of the year.
Speaker 3 (01:03):
No, it's going to be great.
Speaker 2 (01:05):
It's going to be good it's going to be good.
It's going to be great, and sowe are talking about sex and
dating and having thoseconversations with our students
sooner rather than later.
Speaker 3 (01:16):
Yes, so this is really for parents and how they
can talk to their kids aboutthese topics, and we learned
while we were preparing for thisthat this is just going to
scrape the surface.
This could be weeks and weeksand weeks, jason, that I know
would make you so excited.
We could have a whole series onthis, but we are going to just
scrape the surface today andthen invite parents to our small
(01:38):
group on April 27th to continuethe conversation Absolutely
Great.
So we are starting this because, Jason, you just finished a
four-week series on dating withHope Youth.
So how did that go?
Speaker 2 (01:51):
As well as you would expect.
We did four weeks.
We started with the topic ofwhat is love, the difference
between I love Taco Bell and Ilove my wife.
We looked at 1 Corinthians 13.
And then we asked the questionam I dateable?
And we looked at what kind ofwork are you doing before you
even jump into this dating pool?
(02:12):
And then what do we look for insignificant others?
And then we wrapped up withintensity versus intimacy and
talking about kind of thepressures to feel like they have
to date and how sometimes, whenthey're oversharing, they feel
like they have an intimaterelationship and really they
might have a pressuredrelationship.
(02:32):
And so we talked about kind ofthat type of stuff and then two
weeks ago I said, hey, thisseries is going so well that
certain kids have asked me ifthey could go longer, if we
could do this longer.
So I thought of extending thedating series for three or four
more weeks and the entire crowdbooed me.
Speaker 3 (02:48):
Really Wow, that's shocking, actually, wow.
Well, you know it can be anawkward topic.
Like you said, it can bechallenging.
Speaker 2 (02:59):
But an important one.
Speaker 3 (03:00):
So, so important right To have with kids and for
parents to have with their kids,and so I'm curious, Jason how
did your parents handle thiswith you?
Speaker 2 (03:11):
My parents, it was interesting.
I went to private school untileighth grade and I don't think
private school talked about sexand dating until high school.
And then I went to publicschool for ninth through twelfth
grade and the high school hadalready talked about it.
So I feel like I missed it fromthe school aspect and I feel
like my parents had maybe aconversation or two with me, but
(03:34):
it definitely wasn't somethingthat we sought each other out
over.
How about you?
Speaker 3 (03:38):
Okay, so my mom was a nurse full of medical
information, and so she kind ofattacked this conversation from
that angle with a book anddiagrams and sat down Technical
terms.
Technical terms and sat downwith me one time with this book
and did the whole puberty to sexin one time.
Speaker 2 (03:59):
One and done.
Speaker 3 (04:00):
One and done, closed the book, never to be discussed
again.
Right?
So there you go.
Speaker 2 (04:06):
I feel like there's a lot of parents that either look
to the school to do it or tryto do it in a one and done, and
research finds that it'sactually more drive-by
conversations lots of drive-byconversations that work better
than just the one and done orwaiting for the school to do it.
(04:26):
Oh yeah, which is kind of whatwe're talking, which is why we
want to talk about it at youthgroup, but also with together on
April 27th.
Speaker 3 (04:34):
Yeah, and it.
It is uncomfortable and it isawkward, but it's too important
of a topic to avoid.
So you're not going to do allthe time in youth group and
we're not going to talk aboutthis all time in youth group and
we're not going to talk aboutthis all the time at home, but
we need to make sure it's beingaddressed in somewhat of a
regular basis.
And I found this great quotethat said, if you think having
(04:54):
uncomfortable conversations ishard, wait until you see the
results of not having them.
And to me, when I read that,all I could think of was this
conversation you got to betalking about this with your
kids, or sometimes theconsequences are going to be
even more challenging.
Speaker 2 (05:10):
Yeah, you know, we've been thinking about this at
Hope Youth a lot and it'sinteresting.
We don't have a ton of peopledating per se, but man, they're
sure interested in it and theywill push back and push back.
But I heard from my small groupleaders that it was probably
the easiest and bestconversations that they had
because the kids were reallyinterested in the topic and the
small group leaders were able toshare kind of their success
(05:32):
stories but also failure andfunny stories, and so they had
conversations around this topic.
And I think you're right, it'suncomfortable, but wait until
you see the results of nothaving these conversations.
I think that's a reallypowerful quote.
Speaker 3 (05:45):
Yeah, and we as parents want to establish
ourselves as the source on thistopic, because if our kids
aren't coming to us, they'recurious.
Like you just said, they wantto talk about a youth group.
So if they're not coming to uswith that curiosity, they're
going to either their friends orthe internet, and both are not
(06:06):
the best sources.
Speaker 2 (06:07):
I think the scariest source is the pocket computer
that they carry with them andsleep with on a regular basis.
You know what they do.
When they're sitting at homewith just their phone and they
have a question and no one'saround, or they don't feel
comfortable having aconversation with a trusted
adult, they go to the internet,and that can lead down to some
horrible paths.
Speaker 3 (06:28):
So my son, years ago I mean years ago came up to my
husband and I and he had hisphone and he said so I heard the
word skinny dipping and Ilooked it up on my phone and
this is what I found.
I'm uncomfortable with what Ifound.
And I said where did you hearthe word skinny dipping?
(06:49):
And he said from Gigi, who ismy mother.
Let's go back to the nurse.
And so I mean what do you dowith that, jason?
This is from his grandmother'stalk about skinny dipping.
Speaker 2 (06:59):
It might be time for a drive by conversation.
There might be a teachablemoment in this.
Speaker 3 (07:06):
There is a teachable moment in that.
So it was multiple teachablemoments.
But you know, these things aregoing to come up all the time
and we have to be ready to talkabout it.
And I feel like the other thingis is that sometimes parents
are like, if I talk about sexwith my kid, I talk they're
going to go do it, and so thelonger I wait to talk about it,
(07:26):
the longer I have to put off forthem to do, and that's just not
true.
Speaker 2 (07:30):
We actually found some really cool resources that
we're going to hand out at ourApril 27th small group, and a
lot of the resources have linksit's a PDF that have links to
research studies, and studiesactually say that talking to
kids about sex doesn't startthem on an unhealthy path.
It actually does the opposite.
The fear is that if we havethese conversations, that kids
(07:52):
are going to go down these paths, but in reality, if we don't
have these open and honestconversations, kids make
mistakes and I've been seeingthat.
I've seen it over.
I've been doing this for 20years.
You're obviously a parent.
I'm sure you've got stories offriends of your kids and stuff
like that.
In fact, parents actually feelunprepared or unequipped.
(08:14):
But, like we've been talkingabout, don't let this stop you
from having the conversation Oneof the Bible actually talks
about in Philippians 4, 5, and 7, the Lord is near.
Do not be anxious aboutanything about.
In Philippians 4, 5, and 7, theLord is near.
Do not be anxious aboutanything, but in every situation
, even the sex and dating talk,every situation by prayer and
petition, with thanksgiving,present your requests to God.
(08:35):
And the peace of God, whichtranscends all understanding,
will guard your hearts and mindin Christ Jesus.
Is that not the verse for thistopic?
Speaker 3 (08:41):
That's the verse.
Right, do not fear, right?
We don't want to go into thiswith fear.
And yet there is so much to beanxious about for parents, right
, they're anxious aboutreflecting on their own sexual
past, right?
And what do they tell theirkids?
What do they not tell theirkids?
And so there's anxiety there.
There's anxiety about talkingto your kids about consent.
(09:01):
There's anxiety about talkingto your kids that sex is made to
be pleasurable, like that's whyGod created it.
Speaker 2 (09:07):
It's God designed.
Speaker 3 (09:08):
Yeah, that's why God created it, but that's
uncomfortable to say to yourchild in some ways.
Speaker 2 (09:13):
I think the anxiety is really about a perfectionism
that we have to have all of ouranswers set up and if we don't
have any answers, we're notgoing to have any conversation
until we have those answers.
And in the void?
Kids fill in the void withwhatever resources they can find
.
Speaker 3 (09:29):
Yeah, and the other thing is, if we choose not to
talk about this with our kids,it also sends the message of
something else, which tends tobe shame guilt.
If mom and dad don't talk aboutthis, then it shouldn't be
talked about.
Speaker 2 (09:45):
It's something I should be embarrassed of.
Speaker 3 (09:47):
It's something I should be embarrassed of,
exactly, and it shuts it downand we don't want to be sending
that message either, right?
We don't want our kids to befilled with shame over this
topic, because truly it is agift from God or fear yeah.
Speaker 2 (10:00):
This is a topic I can't have a conversation with
trusted adults, with my parentsor my youth leaders or anything
like that.
Speaker 3 (10:05):
Yeah, All right.
So here's the question.
Okay, what you got?
Speaker 2 (10:07):
And obviously I got to speak to the parent in the
room.
Speaker 1 (10:09):
Oh.
Speaker 2 (10:10):
When do you start talking to your kids about
dating and sex and all the stuffin between?
Speaker 3 (10:16):
Yeah, so sooner than later, and there's lots of ways
to do this organically.
So when kids are little likethe preschool age kids parents
can just talk about bodies withgoodness and you know, god
created our bodies and your bodyis beautiful and it's made in
his image and body parts.
And talking about body partsand using their names
(10:37):
appropriately.
Speaker 2 (10:38):
And the differences aren't bad.
Speaker 3 (10:39):
The differences aren't bad and all of these
things are good, and teachingthem that it's okay to ask
questions about why he has thispart and she doesn't, and all of
those things Like brothers andsisters might notice in the tub
that they look different and why.
And just very comfortable, easyconversations.
And then, as they age, it'swhat we have been saying, which
(11:02):
is, let's have smallerconversations all along the way
instead of that one-time talk,because they're curious all
along the way and differentthings are gonna come up at
different times when you areleast prepared, right?
So I pick up a child frommiddle school.
The child gets in the car.
How was your day?
My day was good.
(11:22):
Health class was weird.
Okay, why was health classweird?
Well, we watched a video onSTDs.
Oh, okay, an award-winningvideo An award-winning video.
And then the question do you anddad have STDs?
And so here I am at the end ofmy day having to have this one
(11:43):
of these little conversations inthe car.
I'm not ready for it.
I haven't prepared the STDconversation, right, and so it's
just.
You know, I do what I do allthe time when they ask me
something, I'm not ready toanswer it as I throw them back.
A question why?
What did the video say aboutSTDs?
Right?
Did it make it sound likeeverybody?
Speaker 2 (11:59):
well, yeah, right, so the video did not help you at
all.
Speaker 3 (12:03):
The video just added more fear and so.
But then it opened theconversation to well.
This is why god designed sex tobe in an exclusive relationship
, right?
Was I ready at 4 pm 4 30 on awed Wednesday to have that
conversation?
I was not, but we need to be.
That's the hard part aboutparenting, jason, is that you
(12:23):
never know what's coming at you.
Speaker 2 (12:26):
And there's moments like when you're watching movies
or TV shows where you can haveconversations about dating
relationships, about sex, asyou're skipping that scene.
Speaker 3 (12:35):
But it's also easier sometimes to have it be removed
right.
So there it is on TV.
You can talk about the TV sceneand it's not about them
personally, and so it makes it alittle bit easier to talk about
too.
Speaker 2 (12:49):
There's a family in one of our small groups.
Our small group is all aboutconversation.
It's all about parents sharingwith parents the good, the bad
and the hilarious.
Speaker 3 (12:59):
Lots of hilarious.
Speaker 2 (13:01):
And there's one guy, one dad, who specifically has
these conversations, but healways does it in the car and he
always does it with an end goal, like hey, we're going to go
over it, we're going to go tothe park or we're going to go to
this.
And so the kid knows thisconversation is only going to
last 15 minutes because he knowsthere's an end point.
Speaker 3 (13:18):
And nobody's looking at each other while they're
having this conversation.
Speaker 2 (13:21):
Yeah, that's the good thing about the car Brilliant
stuff, and it's one of the coolthings about the small group is
sharing these ideas and sharingwhat's worked, what hasn't
worked, why it's worked andstuff like that, and so tying
that into this conversation, Ithink, is really important.
Speaker 3 (13:34):
Yeah.
So I think the sooner thebetter and the sooner the better
, and if you haven't startedhaving these conversations yet,
it's not too late.
It's never too late ever.
Start having them sooner thanlater and we'll talk about how
more, and in our small group too.
But why did you feel the needto teach this at Hope Youth?
Speaker 2 (13:50):
I feel the need because it's something that I
feel like the church shouldcover.
It's an important conversationto have with the group and it's
important, I think, think havingnot just another resource
besides the parents talkingabout the same message I think
reinforces what you're trying tocommunicate at home.
I feel like it's reallyimportant.
Obviously, it's also importantbecause God designed us for
relationship and so beingtogether and getting these
(14:15):
conversations going outside ofthe home is really important too
, and also I think students,when they read the Bible, can
sometimes feel like God is outto kill their fun.
Speaker 3 (14:25):
Right, yeah, all the rules, jason, all the rules, all
the don'ts.
Speaker 2 (14:28):
God is a cosmic killjoy, when, in fact, I always
present the kids with aquestion, with the students with
a question what if the creatorof the universe, the creator who
spent so much time creating youas an individual, is actually
not out to kill your fun, butactually out to protect you from
hurt and harm?
What if that God cares andloves you so much?
So having these conversationsis a way to protect us from hurt
(14:50):
and harm, and so that's one ofthe reasons why we want to have
the conversation here at HopeYouth.
Speaker 3 (14:54):
I love that.
That's really good and as aparent, I appreciate there being
other sources outside of myhusband and I.
Right, we want to be the firstsource, but sometimes they are
more comfortable talking totheir youth leader or trusted
adult about these questions.
Speaker 2 (15:09):
Sometimes they feel safer having a conversation with
a group of all chuckleheadeighth grade boys and their two
small group leaders, andsometimes they don't, but
sometimes it's just good forthem to be in it together.
Speaker 3 (15:21):
And just even knowing maybe I didn't talk at small
group about that, but knowingthat my leader is a source for
that, and maybe six, 12 monthsfrom now, it makes me think.
Oh, I need to go back to thatrelationship that I had with my
small group leader and askingthem because I trust them.
Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2 (15:45):
So the question then is where do we start?
And obviously we're not goingto give a ton of answers,
because we're this is a wholeteaser for our April 27th small
group.
But what are some?
What are some key things thatwe can, that we can think of as
we consider these conversations,whether your, your, your child
is in preschool, elementary,middle or high school, maybe
even college, I'm not sure.
Speaker 3 (16:00):
Yeah, well, I think that it's important that you, as
the adult, and if you aremarried, that you with your
co-parent, have the conversationof what is the message that we
want to give our child.
What do we wish we had knownand understood about sex and
dating from an early age?
You, you before we can teachanything, we have to know what
(16:23):
it is we want to teach right andso the first thing we need to
do is come up with what is themessage that we want them to
know.
What do we want them to knowabout what, what, what their
bodies are and how they work?
And you know, there's.
There's the science and themedical piece of sex, right, but
there's also all the emotionalparts, and the spiritual and the
spiritual parts and coming upwith your spouse or your
(16:46):
co-parent with together as ateam.
This is the message that wewant our kids to know.
Speaker 2 (16:52):
What are the key takeaways?
I want my kid to know rocksolid.
What are those key takeaways?
Speaker 3 (16:58):
Yes, and that's not something that Jason or I can
tell parents to do.
You know, parents need to havethat themselves before they even
start.
You know, what is it that wewant our kids to know Any age?
What are the values that youwant to communicate about your
bodies in sex and dating?
Right?
Why do we date?
(17:18):
Did you talk about that withthe kids?
Speaker 2 (17:20):
We did.
We talked about how we'redesigned for relationship.
We also talked about, it's okayif you're not ready to date,
and we wanted to give permissionbecause there's a pressure in
middle and high school that I'mnot anything unless I've got
this other person and that'skind of that intensity versus
intimacy, like there's anintense pressure to date when
you may not be even ready orinterested but you do it because
(17:42):
your friend's expecting.
So we talked a lot about that.
In fact, one of the thingswe've talked about is how might
the message that we're gettingat home and at church be
different than the message thatthey're getting from their
friends, from what they'rewatching on TV, from culture?
Is it okay to be different?
And we definitely gavepermission for it to be okay to
be different.
Speaker 3 (18:03):
Yeah, that's so hard.
That is hard.
Our kids struggle in so manyways with all that pressure, and
this is just another area thatthey're struggling with.
Speaker 2 (18:14):
It makes it all the more important to have as many
drive-by conversations as we can.
Speaker 3 (18:18):
Yes, and you found this note, which I thought was
great, to try and condense yourmessage into one sentence we
need to be talking less and theyneed to be talking more right.
These conversations should notbe us just saying do this, don't
do that, do this, don't do that, do this, don't do that.
It needs to be conversational.
Speaker 2 (18:39):
I think a big piece of the conversation is.
It's not as simple as like yougot it in a straightforward,
one-time topic.
I got it in a smallconversations, but I feel like
you know, I wish I had thecourage to talk to my parents
about what I felt was gray areasand you know different
situations I found myself in,but too often I found myself
(19:02):
going.
I got to handle this on my own.
I can't talk to my parents andthat was more about me than
anything else.
But I think that that's reallyimportant for us to try to
condense our messages intosimple things that people can
remember as they face situations, but also opening them up to
come back to have.
I have a question I know yousaid this and they may have that
(19:25):
sentence for you what does itlook like when I'm in this
situation?
And that's an amazing carconversation, an amazing walking
around the neighborhoodconversation.
Amazing car conversation andamazing walking around the
neighborhood conversation.
Speaker 3 (19:33):
Yeah, and, and just that we let them come to us with
whatever their questions may be, without making fun of them,
without making them embarrassed,without laughing Right, because
, boy, when he said yeah, what'sskinny dipping?
I mean, you know part of me waslike what and then part of me
was laughing inside, right andand the definition on his phone
(19:56):
it's like okay.
But trying to like any questionthey bring to us to just take
it as we might be inside goingoh my gosh, oh my gosh, I don't
know how to handle this.
But trying to have that face isjust calm and confident and
it's okay.
Speaker 2 (20:11):
I think Pastor Rick would be proud if we mentioned
Ted Lasso.
Speaker 3 (20:14):
Okay.
Speaker 2 (20:16):
Be curious, not judgmental, yes, and so asking
questions instead of justsnapping to a judgment or
snapping to a quick answer.
Asking questions, so you knowthe STD video, what did the STD?
That was a great question.
Well, it bought me time tothink.
I was going to say, as you werepanic thinking.
But the questions give themtime to express themselves, but
also us time to gather ourthoughts.
(20:37):
So be curious, not judgmental.
So trying to get to the heartof why are they asking these
questions is a really importantthing.
Speaker 3 (20:44):
Yeah, yeah.
So I mean this.
Like we said, there is so muchout there, we have so many
resources that we want to sharewith parents and we could not
cover it in one quick podcast.
So we encourage people to joinus on April 27th at 9 am in the
chapel as we dive into thisconversation and talk about this
(21:04):
and more challenges too.
There's a lot more challengeshere, with peer pressure and
consent and pornography and somany other things that we didn't
get to jump into here, but webelieve that this is an
important topic to wrestletogether with and have these
discussion with our kids, right,jason?
Speaker 2 (21:20):
Absolutely, it'll be a good time.
Speaker 3 (21:22):
Yeah, so we appreciate you listening today.
We hope to see lots of you onApril 27th and if you like this
podcast, we encourage you toshare it with a friend download
(21:54):
it, pass it on and you can learnmore at meethopeorg or find us
on socials at meethopechurch.
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