October 21, 2025 • 20 mins
Is it possible for a narcissist to change for good or is it all only temporary?
Check out my courses "Understanding the 7 Stages of a Narcissistic Relationship" and "Finding Your W.H.Y!" at https://mentalhealness.net
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I'm Lee & I've been diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder ( NPD ). I've been in therapy since 2017 & It has definitely changed my life because without it, I would have lost everything. My platform is dedicated to giving you the WHYs behind the things that Narcissists do. I'm not here to diagnose ANYONE or to tell you to leave your relationship. I'm just trying to give you the information to make your own informed decisions
1 on 1's and all my links - https://beacons.page/mentalhealness
Remember, It's not your fault - https://a.co/d/2WNtdKJ
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
So can a narcissist ever truly change their stripes?
Can a narcissist ever truly change their behaviors?
Can a narcissist go to therapy, work on themselves and become a
better human being and treat everybody around them better?
That was a mouthful, wasn't it? That's what we're talking about
today, y'all? Of course, if you're new here,
I'm Lee Hammock. I'm a diagnosed narcissist who's
here to give you the perspectiveand inside look at the mind of a
(00:23):
narcissist job. And we're going to hop right
into it. Narcissistic people and the
ability to change their behavior, the ability to change
their stripes like a damn zebra.Can a zebra changes stripes?
No. Yeah.
As someone diagnosed with narcissistic personality
disorder, I personally feel likeit will be disingenuous of me to
(00:45):
come out here and just say that it's absolutely impossible for
every any narcissist on this planet to just be better.
I would. I can't say that because I have
the personality disorder, I havebecome a better person over the
years, right? But there's always a butt, ain't
it? It's a huge caveat.
But I am one of the exceptions. I am not the rule.
(01:08):
The rule is that narcissists can't change.
Of course, to every rule. Damn near almost every rule,
they're going to be exceptions. I personally don't think that I
have changed because I in fact, am still a narcissist.
I am, yeah, let's keep that clear right there.
I still have narcissistic personality disorder.
(01:29):
Although I have went to therapy and worked on myself, it does
not mean that the behaviors, that the mindset is absolutely
gone. Like I've said before in a lot
of my old videos, the the my first thought is still
narcissistic. My very first thought is still
to serve myself in some way, shape or form.
(01:49):
My very first thought is self-defense and how to make
myself feel better or how did this benefit me?
Those are still my first thoughts.
But because I've been in psychotherapy for so long, it's
allowed me the ability to just cut that off, right?
It's allowed me the ability to just like, get in between them.
(02:09):
I, I, I have, for me, I've had to become my own mental health
middleman, right? I've had to become my own mental
health middleman. I've had to be able to do that
right there. I've had to just get in between
that thought. I have to do something to break
that mental state in order to bebetter, in order to to behave
better, in order to just be a better human being overall.
(02:32):
I've had to break do things to be able to break that mental
state. I've had to put the work in over
the last few years in order to be able to do that it.
And that's absolutely true. I've had to be able to put the
work in in order to be able to do that.
Because if I haven't, if I wouldn't put that work in, I
wouldn't be here with you right now.
There's no way in hell I could be right here with you right now
(02:53):
telling you how narcissists, hownarcissists act, How are
narcissists behave? What do narcissists do?
How do narcissists think? How would an art what will
happen if an if you say this to a narcissist, there's no one
here. I will be able to do that coming
from any type of place of be me being genuine.
Of course there are disingenuousactors out there who are in the
(03:14):
self aware narcissist realm. They are being disingenuous.
They're not here to really help you.
They're here to help themselves in some way, shape or form,
right? And helping you is a side effect
of helping themselves. I, I get that right there.
That's what's going to, that's what you have to face out here,
y'all. So it would absolutely be
disingenuous for me as a narcissist, as a diagnosed
narcissist myself, to come out here and just say no, there's no
(03:37):
way, No narcissist changes. They're all the same.
We're all the same. Leave every single one of us.
There's no hope. I can't do that, y'all.
Now, 99% of the time that's going to be true, 99% of the
time that's going to be true, right?
Like like just think about it like this.
What we are on the earth, there's always a chance that a
meteor is going to hit us and wipe us out.
(03:58):
The the it's the chances are not0 right?
It's not Look, we're never goingto get hit by a meteor.
Ask the dinosaurs. Ask the little Dino narcissist
or the Dino impasse from back inthe day where they did they ever
think something like that was going to happen to them?
What a we still digging their fossils up to this day, right?
So there's always a possibility,but you have to ask yourself
(04:20):
right here, this is the this oneof the main question you have to
ask yourself, is this person, the one that's going to be the,
is this person the 1 is going tobe the, the, the rule breaker
right here, right? Because most times you want to
believe that they're going to bethe rule, the the exception,
right? You want to believe that that
this person is going to be the exception.
But most times they're not goingto be the exception.
(04:41):
They're just going to be born the rule.
They're going to tell you that they're going to be the
exception. I'm going to work on myself.
I'm going to be better. I'm going to do this, I'm going
to do that. They'll they'll go above and
beyond. They do that type of stuff,
right? But at the end of the day, in
the grand scheme of things, the more you deal with a
narcissistic, toxic bastard, themore you realize that they're
(05:02):
not going to change their behaviors.
Ask yourself this one question, another question.
I said, I know I said one question earlier.
Ask yourself this other question.
What has this person been consistent with in this entire
relationship other than consistently bad?
There's a question you have to ask yourself.
What have they done? What consistency have they shown
(05:23):
me over the years That was let me know that this person has the
ability to even think about changing their behaviors.
What have they done? What what?
What could? What have they done?
What have they shown me? Most times the answer the
question can be nothing. They haven't shown me anything.
You, they haven't shown you nothing at all.
They haven't, they haven't been able to, they haven't been able
(05:44):
to show you anything. They haven't been able to be
consistent with anything over the last few years.
They haven't been able to do it because they can't do it or they
don't want to do it. Like they can be consistent with
when it's something to do with them.
They can be consistent with the gambling and the drinking and
the smoking and the cheating andthe abuses, the abusive
behaviors. But what can they?
What have they been consistent with you that benefit you that
(06:06):
doesn't benefit them? What have they been consistent
with? Y'all could you?
You have to get clear on it. It's your life.
You have to live your life. You have to be the one to get
it. That's getting clarity or
getting clear on what is going on right here.
It has to be you. It has to come from you.
It can't come from anyone else. And I know that's a tough thing
(06:27):
that so many people deal with like, well, Lee down, I'm tired,
man. I got, I got to be, I got to be
the one to do this. Yes, if you want to continue to
deal with this person, you got to ask yourself these tough
questions. And most people don't want to
ask themselves the tough questions.
Most people want to find excuseswhy the narcissist does that,
why the narcissist has done this, why they said this.
We want to find excuses because the excuses can help us, can
(06:49):
help us feel better. The excuses that you might make
for your toxic person might helppacify you or help make you feel
better in the moment. But overall, in the grand scheme
of things, you know damn well itdoes make you feel better At the
end of the day, what makes you feel good right now will can
bring you pain later on. Temporary pleasure can bring you
permanent pain. And a lot of times narcissists
(07:10):
are going to offer you temporarypleasure.
They're going to love bomb you. They're going to do things to
make you happy after they have done something bad.
They're going to do something tomake up for the horrible
behaviors that they've exhibitedafter they've done something
bad. They're going to do something
nice after they've done something bad.
Ask yourself another question right here.
When they're when even through the good times your
(07:31):
relationship, what has happened immediately before or after the
good times in your relationship,because this can show you, this
can show you the propensity thatsomebody has to change, right?
What had what happened directly before and directly after
they've done something nice to you.
Typically before they're going to be mean to you.
Typically before they're going to be making up for something
(07:53):
they're going to be doing. They're going to do something
horrible. They're going to lie, cheat,
steal, beat drugs, whatever it is, right?
They're going to do something horrible and in order to make up
for it, they do something nice. They do something nice for you,
which is what? Which is how you got her to the
nice period, right? They did something mean, they
did something bad, then they didsomething nice.
So before they did the nice thing, they did something bad.
(08:15):
And then after they did, after they did a nice thing, maybe not
immediately after, but a little ways down the road, after they
did something bad, guess what? After they did something good
for you, they did something bad,they did something good to make
up for it, and now they're doingsomething bad again.
Now things that the status quo is back, they're right back to
normal. They're right back to doing what
(08:36):
they did what they previously did before, and that's how we
got here in this first in the first place.
Y'all Now look, let me get real with y'all.
Let me come on in here closer. I know it's tough to let go of
to let go of a relationship thatyou don't want to admit as
toxic. You know, I mean, the one on
ones I've did over the last what, five years, almost five
(08:56):
years, the last 4 1/2 years, right, With people that want to
want the best for that person, that want that person to change
and be a better human being and just treat them better.
Countless, countless. Well, yeah, it's thousands,
right? And I tell people all, all the
time, I, I feel for you. I want your narcissistic partner
or parent or friend or whoever it is to be better.
(09:19):
But they have to make that choice for themselves.
You can't make that choice for them.
I get people that I'm talking tosometimes that their partners
sent that the partner sends the video right, And I just like,
look, they were like we can you leave?
You do do you only do one on ones with survivors?
Like no, I talked to narcissistic people as well.
Right. But it can't come.
(09:40):
It has to be them wanting to talk to me.
It can't be coming from you wanting them to talk to me
because that doesn't work. That doesn't mean they're
they're coming to me for help. They're just mean.
They're they're coming to me to possibly pacify you, to use me
as a further to to use me as a tool to further manipulate you
with. I don't go, yeah, I go for that
type of I can't go for that. That doesn't vibe with me.
(10:00):
That does not vibe well with me at all.
You know what I mean? So in these circumstances, they
have to be the ones that reach out.
And then the ones I talked to, very rarely are they going to
change their behaviors, right? Very rare, because oftentimes
they'll blame the other person. You're like narcissists do like.
And that leads to another question you can ask yourself to
tell if this narcissistic personhas the ability to change their
(10:21):
stripes or change and change their behaviors.
Ask yourself this question righthere.
What? Like I said, ask yourself this
question right here. My mind just literally went
blank right there. Y'all, if you ask yourself this
question right here, have they ever been able to take
accountability for anything? Literally I had a 10 by two of
y'all and I only yeah, they theysaid sorry, they they took
(10:44):
accountability apologize. Did they really go back to the
last time they took accountability for something?
Go back to the last time that they actually apologized for
something? Was it an actual apology or was
it something else? Was it an actual apology or was
it something different right. This is something that this is
(11:04):
something that really matters right here Was it was did they
say it? Look if they cheated on you
right? Did they say look, I'm so sorry
for cheating on you. I shouldn't have done that.
Infidelity is never the way I should avoid if something was
wrong in our marriage or in our relationship, I should have
voiced it to you instead of stepping outside of our
marriage. I'm extremely regretful.
I'm extremely I feel horrible. I'm going to work my best to
change these behaviors. It's not nothing to do with you.
(11:26):
It's 100% on me. This is it's all my fault.
I did this. I cheated, I lied, I
manipulated, I even tricked the other part.
I lied to the other person. This has nothing to do with you.
I, I regret it. I truly, truly regret it.
I'm going to work my hardest to earn your forgiveness and I
don't expect you to ever forgiveme.
But if you have it in your heart, there's I'm saying that's
more along the lines of a true apology.
(11:48):
A fake apology is well, I'm sorry, but what about you, what
you've done? I'm sorry for hurting you.
I'm sorry for everything. I'm sorry to put you through
this. I'm sorry you had to find out
this way. I'm sorry.
The words I'm sorry does not denote an apology because it
says is the words I'm sorry exist in a statement or is it
(12:11):
exist in a sentence. It does not mean I'm sorry.
It does not mean that it's it does not mean that it's an
actual apology. It just means that this person
is saying I'm sorry and so many people, so many people on the
other end of the spectrum, so many impasse or people that want
to heal and get through. They want to hear those words.
I'm sorry. So those so bad.
Did they accept it? There's like, oh, he said I'm
sorry. Like did they, did they really
(12:34):
say I'm sorry? Did they really say I'm sorry?
Right. Did they really say I'm sorry?
Or did they because of a true authentic apology and
accountability required the person to actually admit what
they've done wrong, right. the IT requires them to say what
they've done wrong. I'm sorry for hurting you
doesn't mean anything. What the hell?
(12:55):
I'm sorry for doing what? Hurting me.
How did you hurt me? Well, you know what I did.
Why got I explained to you that's not somebody that's
taking accountability. So again, have they ever taken
accountability for anything thatthey've done to you and not
blamed you? If they have is the answer is
no, then more than likely they're not going to change
their behaviors, right? More than likely they're going
(13:18):
to put it on to you. More than likely the burden of
changing is going to be on you. More than likely the burden of
wanting to be making this relationship work is going to
also be on you. I think that's what people have
to realize as well, that the burden is on you.
If you want to stay in this relationship dynamic with a
narcissist or toxic person, whatever, right?
You got to ask yourself the question, how much burden am I
(13:39):
willing to carry? Because with a narcissist,
you're going to carry a lot. You're going to incur a ton of
the burden right here that mean you might carry all of it.
Narcissistic people would ratherchange their environments and
change their relationship than to change themselves, right?
I would rather move on to someone else, move on to a new
supply, than to change who I am and what I've been doing.
(14:02):
I want to fit you into my environment as opposed to you
fitting in as opposed to fittinginto my environment.
I want you. I want my environment to be a
product of me as opposed to me being a product of my
environment in this size of relationship.
So if you in this relationship with me, I want the relationship
to be toxic. That's the way it's going to
lean towards. That's the way it's going to
(14:22):
filter towards, right? This is how it goes.
This is the mentality, right? And I tell, I tried to tell so
many people, right? I want you.
Yeah. When I tell you I want you all
to win. I need you all to believe me.
I need you all to truly, truly believe me.
But I absolutely want you all towin.
I want you to win so bad that I'd be like, I tell you all this
shit. I go into detail about what
(14:44):
about bad things that I have done.
I expose myself to help, hoping that it helps other hoping then
it reaches the right audience and it brings clarity to people
that it makes the way it wakes up the right people, that the
right people hear these videos, the right people see these
videos to hear them. I hear my podcast on Spotify.
I'm like, damn, Lee really wantsus to win.
(15:04):
Damn, I really needed to hear that because I had no idea what
was actually going on in my relationship.
Damn this person did this. Damn this person did that.
Like Lee wants us to win. Y'all be.
I really do man. I really really truly do.
That's why that's why I really do so I sell.
That's why. That's what my courses are super
cheap. People give it like Lee, you
need to raise your price on yourcourses.
Lee, you need to raise your price on your one on ones.
(15:26):
There's people charging three $400.00 for a course.
That's not me. I want more.
I want to reach more people. I would rather sell a course for
$75.00 then $7500 if it's going to reach more people.
I would rather reach 75, seven, 750 people for $10 then to reach
one person for 7500. You know what I'm saying?
(15:48):
I want to help more people than I hurt.
That's literally what I want to do.
That's little bit like this. This channels the stuff that I
do right now is literally me trying to make off of past
things that I've done. And yes, the people that I've
hurt in the past out if they're still involved in my life.
Yes, I have absolutely apologized to people.
Yes, I've taken accountability for my role and stuff.
My wife's family, her friends, people that people that that
(16:09):
knew I hurt her, I literally looked them directly in their
face. I sat down with him just like
I'm talking to you right now andsay, look, I'm sorry I did this.
I'm sorry I did that. I literally went into detail and
explained to them, now I'm goingto be better.
This shit won't happen again. And I spent the last what, 456
years being better? Literally set everybody down.
Is your narcissistic partner willing to do that?
Is your narcissistic ex or whatever willing to sit down
(16:31):
with every member of your familythat knows what they've done and
tell them about it, expose themselves and apologize and
promise it it will never happen again?
If they're not willing to do that, then no, they're not going
to change y'all. Because that's what it requires.
That's a requirement for them tosit down and tell people what
they've done to you, what they put you through.
Feel that shame. Go through that shame.
(16:51):
Feel it, go through it and just battle with it because that's
what I had to do. Literally had to feel the I had
to sit with the shame and fight through it.
Are they willing to sit with theshame and fight through it?
Most times the answer to their question is going to be
absolutely not. They're not going to do
anything. They're not going to fight
through the shame. Why would they?
Why the hell would they want to fight through shame when they
don't feel like they don't? Do they feel like they don't
have to deal with it? Why the hell would they want to
(17:12):
do that right there, You know what I'm saying?
That's the mentality. Those are the questions you have
to ask yourself in totality. Like, why would this person want
to sit and deal with any type ofshame if they don't have to?
If I don't force them to sit through that shame if they if
they like, why would they want it?
Look, in closing, yeah, it's notabout you. 100 percent, 100% is
(17:33):
not about you. They're going to treat you how
they think you deserve to be treated, not how you actually
deserve to be treated. There's a difference between
those two statements right there.
They're going to treat you how they think you deserve to be
treated, not how they think you deserve to be treated.
And until they did, they treat you like you deserve to be
treated. It's not going to work.
Why would it work? Why would it work if they're
(17:54):
only treating you how they thinkyou deserve to be treated and
not how you think you deserve tobe treated?
Why would their relationship work?
Any relationship I even would have narcissist, toxic person
overall, in general. Why would that work?
You know what I'm saying? This is the stuff that we have
to talk about. These are the toughest
conversation that we have to have because if we don't have
them, if they're not had, then guess what's going to happen?
We're just going to this type ofstuff is going to fall by the
wayside. More people are going to get
(18:15):
hurt. More people are going to stay in
toxic relationship dynamics thinking that that person is
going to change, but typically they're not going to change.
Y'all, I hate to say that. I know people like damn, Lee,
that sucks. I don't even want.
Yeah, I you think I like saying that?
You think I get players out of saying like, yeah, man, I've
that little that that abuser notgoing to ever change.
No, I don't like saying that type of stuff.
(18:36):
Yeah, I really don't know. I just my face got funny when I
said that. I really don't like saying that
type of stuff. I want y'all to win probably
more than you want yourself to win, right?
You know, like Lee, I want to win too.
But what is going to happen it Iwant you to win.
I made these videos longer y'all.
Like I said the the channel is about transition to the mental.
The mental illness podcast is about to take over y'all.
I've recorded 6 interviews already and I got three more
(18:58):
scheduled this week. Had somebody stand me up for an
interview the other day. I ain't gonna say nothing.
It hurt my feelings. I was changing my whole schedule
around to do an interview. Personally didn't show up.
Sucks. That sucked, right?
But that's the way it goes sometimes.
Y'all, if you want to be able to, if you if you're interested
in being interviewed on the mental Illness podcast, you can
find a link in the description of every podcast and every video
I do. It's like it's a TinyURL.
(19:19):
It's a TinyURL that mental illness podcast or something
like that. It's in the description of every
video podcast I do. Make sure you click on it, fill
it out. Like I'm doing stuff in person,
like I'm right here. This is my this is my podcast
studio right here, y'all, I'm inperson in North Carolina or I'm
doing virtual. My first six have been virtual.
My first in person is probably going to be my wife.
You'll see me sitting right herefor my wife interviewing,
(19:39):
interviewing her, asking her thequestions everybody even asking
right. But she going to tell her story
not even but be about me. I know people don't ask
questions about me, how to deal with me and stuff like that, but
she's going to be telling her story of what of again of these
questions that I asked y'all today.
She's going to answer those questions for you about yes, Lee
has she's going, she's going to use my first name.
My first name is Damon. She was like, yes, Damon has
been consistent. Yes, every time he said he's
(20:01):
going to do something, he did it.
Yes, he's been selfless. He's done stuff for me that
didn't benefit him. Yes, he loves his children.
Yes, he does this. Yes, he's going to tell y'all
the stuff that I that I have done to change my behaviors.
Of course, right. But she's going to give y'all
for her perspective, her life story, and all the other good
stuff y'all I'm excited for. Anyway, y'all.
Hit the subscribe button. You haven't already.
(20:22):
And it's always, always. We're doing this.
So can a narcissist ever truly change their stripes?
Can a narcissist ever truly change their behaviors?
Can a narcissist go to therapy, work on themselves and become a
better human being and treat everybody around them better?
That was a mouthful, wasn't it? That's what we're talking about
today, y'all? Of course, if you're new here,
I'm Lee Hammock. I'm a diagnosed narcissist who's
here to give you the perspectiveand inside look at the mind of a
(00:23):
narcissist job. And we're going to hop right
into it. Narcissistic people and the
ability to change their behavior, the ability to change
their stripes like a damn zebra.Can a zebra changes stripes?
No. Yeah.
As someone diagnosed with narcissistic personality
disorder, I personally feel likeit will be disingenuous of me to
(00:45):
come out here and just say that it's absolutely impossible for
every any narcissist on this planet to just be better.
I would. I can't say that because I have
the personality disorder, I havebecome a better person over the
years, right? But there's always a butt, ain't
it? It's a huge caveat.
But I am one of the exceptions. I am not the rule.
(01:08):
The rule is that narcissists can't change.
Of course, to every rule. Damn near almost every rule,
they're going to be exceptions. I personally don't think that I
have changed because I in fact, am still a narcissist.
I am, yeah, let's keep that clear right there.
I still have narcissistic personality disorder.
(01:29):
Although I have went to therapy and worked on myself, it does
not mean that the behaviors, that the mindset is absolutely
gone. Like I've said before in a lot
of my old videos, the the my first thought is still
narcissistic. My very first thought is still
to serve myself in some way, shape or form.
(01:49):
My very first thought is self-defense and how to make
myself feel better or how did this benefit me?
Those are still my first thoughts.
But because I've been in psychotherapy for so long, it's
allowed me the ability to just cut that off, right?
It's allowed me the ability to just like, get in between them.
(02:09):
I, I, I have, for me, I've had to become my own mental health
middleman, right? I've had to become my own mental
health middleman. I've had to be able to do that
right there. I've had to just get in between
that thought. I have to do something to break
that mental state in order to bebetter, in order to to behave
better, in order to just be a better human being overall.
(02:32):
I've had to break do things to be able to break that mental
state. I've had to put the work in over
the last few years in order to be able to do that it.
And that's absolutely true. I've had to be able to put the
work in in order to be able to do that.
Because if I haven't, if I wouldn't put that work in, I
wouldn't be here with you right now.
There's no way in hell I could be right here with you right now
(02:53):
telling you how narcissists, hownarcissists act, How are
narcissists behave? What do narcissists do?
How do narcissists think? How would an art what will
happen if an if you say this to a narcissist, there's no one
here. I will be able to do that coming
from any type of place of be me being genuine.
Of course there are disingenuousactors out there who are in the
(03:14):
self aware narcissist realm. They are being disingenuous.
They're not here to really help you.
They're here to help themselves in some way, shape or form,
right? And helping you is a side effect
of helping themselves. I, I get that right there.
That's what's going to, that's what you have to face out here,
y'all. So it would absolutely be
disingenuous for me as a narcissist, as a diagnosed
narcissist myself, to come out here and just say no, there's no
(03:37):
way, No narcissist changes. They're all the same.
We're all the same. Leave every single one of us.
There's no hope. I can't do that, y'all.
Now, 99% of the time that's going to be true, 99% of the
time that's going to be true, right?
Like like just think about it like this.
What we are on the earth, there's always a chance that a
meteor is going to hit us and wipe us out.
(03:58):
The the it's the chances are not0 right?
It's not Look, we're never goingto get hit by a meteor.
Ask the dinosaurs. Ask the little Dino narcissist
or the Dino impasse from back inthe day where they did they ever
think something like that was going to happen to them?
What a we still digging their fossils up to this day, right?
So there's always a possibility,but you have to ask yourself
(04:20):
right here, this is the this oneof the main question you have to
ask yourself, is this person, the one that's going to be the,
is this person the 1 is going tobe the, the, the rule breaker
right here, right? Because most times you want to
believe that they're going to bethe rule, the the exception,
right? You want to believe that that
this person is going to be the exception.
But most times they're not goingto be the exception.
(04:41):
They're just going to be born the rule.
They're going to tell you that they're going to be the
exception. I'm going to work on myself.
I'm going to be better. I'm going to do this, I'm going
to do that. They'll they'll go above and
beyond. They do that type of stuff,
right? But at the end of the day, in
the grand scheme of things, the more you deal with a
narcissistic, toxic bastard, themore you realize that they're
(05:02):
not going to change their behaviors.
Ask yourself this one question, another question.
I said, I know I said one question earlier.
Ask yourself this other question.
What has this person been consistent with in this entire
relationship other than consistently bad?
There's a question you have to ask yourself.
What have they done? What consistency have they shown
(05:23):
me over the years That was let me know that this person has the
ability to even think about changing their behaviors.
What have they done? What what?
What could? What have they done?
What have they shown me? Most times the answer the
question can be nothing. They haven't shown me anything.
You, they haven't shown you nothing at all.
They haven't, they haven't been able to, they haven't been able
(05:44):
to show you anything. They haven't been able to be
consistent with anything over the last few years.
They haven't been able to do it because they can't do it or they
don't want to do it. Like they can be consistent with
when it's something to do with them.
They can be consistent with the gambling and the drinking and
the smoking and the cheating andthe abuses, the abusive
behaviors. But what can they?
What have they been consistent with you that benefit you that
(06:06):
doesn't benefit them? What have they been consistent
with? Y'all could you?
You have to get clear on it. It's your life.
You have to live your life. You have to be the one to get
it. That's getting clarity or
getting clear on what is going on right here.
It has to be you. It has to come from you.
It can't come from anyone else. And I know that's a tough thing
(06:27):
that so many people deal with like, well, Lee down, I'm tired,
man. I got, I got to be, I got to be
the one to do this. Yes, if you want to continue to
deal with this person, you got to ask yourself these tough
questions. And most people don't want to
ask themselves the tough questions.
Most people want to find excuseswhy the narcissist does that,
why the narcissist has done this, why they said this.
We want to find excuses because the excuses can help us, can
(06:49):
help us feel better. The excuses that you might make
for your toxic person might helppacify you or help make you feel
better in the moment. But overall, in the grand scheme
of things, you know damn well itdoes make you feel better At the
end of the day, what makes you feel good right now will can
bring you pain later on. Temporary pleasure can bring you
permanent pain. And a lot of times narcissists
(07:10):
are going to offer you temporarypleasure.
They're going to love bomb you. They're going to do things to
make you happy after they have done something bad.
They're going to do something tomake up for the horrible
behaviors that they've exhibitedafter they've done something
bad. They're going to do something
nice after they've done something bad.
Ask yourself another question right here.
When they're when even through the good times your
(07:31):
relationship, what has happened immediately before or after the
good times in your relationship,because this can show you, this
can show you the propensity thatsomebody has to change, right?
What had what happened directly before and directly after
they've done something nice to you.
Typically before they're going to be mean to you.
Typically before they're going to be making up for something
(07:53):
they're going to be doing. They're going to do something
horrible. They're going to lie, cheat,
steal, beat drugs, whatever it is, right?
They're going to do something horrible and in order to make up
for it, they do something nice. They do something nice for you,
which is what? Which is how you got her to the
nice period, right? They did something mean, they
did something bad, then they didsomething nice.
So before they did the nice thing, they did something bad.
(08:15):
And then after they did, after they did a nice thing, maybe not
immediately after, but a little ways down the road, after they
did something bad, guess what? After they did something good
for you, they did something bad,they did something good to make
up for it, and now they're doingsomething bad again.
Now things that the status quo is back, they're right back to
normal. They're right back to doing what
(08:36):
they did what they previously did before, and that's how we
got here in this first in the first place.
Y'all Now look, let me get real with y'all.
Let me come on in here closer. I know it's tough to let go of
to let go of a relationship thatyou don't want to admit as
toxic. You know, I mean, the one on
ones I've did over the last what, five years, almost five
(08:56):
years, the last 4 1/2 years, right, With people that want to
want the best for that person, that want that person to change
and be a better human being and just treat them better.
Countless, countless. Well, yeah, it's thousands,
right? And I tell people all, all the
time, I, I feel for you. I want your narcissistic partner
or parent or friend or whoever it is to be better.
(09:19):
But they have to make that choice for themselves.
You can't make that choice for them.
I get people that I'm talking tosometimes that their partners
sent that the partner sends the video right, And I just like,
look, they were like we can you leave?
You do do you only do one on ones with survivors?
Like no, I talked to narcissistic people as well.
Right. But it can't come.
(09:40):
It has to be them wanting to talk to me.
It can't be coming from you wanting them to talk to me
because that doesn't work. That doesn't mean they're
they're coming to me for help. They're just mean.
They're they're coming to me to possibly pacify you, to use me
as a further to to use me as a tool to further manipulate you
with. I don't go, yeah, I go for that
type of I can't go for that. That doesn't vibe with me.
(10:00):
That does not vibe well with me at all.
You know what I mean? So in these circumstances, they
have to be the ones that reach out.
And then the ones I talked to, very rarely are they going to
change their behaviors, right? Very rare, because oftentimes
they'll blame the other person. You're like narcissists do like.
And that leads to another question you can ask yourself to
tell if this narcissistic personhas the ability to change their
(10:21):
stripes or change and change their behaviors.
Ask yourself this question righthere.
What? Like I said, ask yourself this
question right here. My mind just literally went
blank right there. Y'all, if you ask yourself this
question right here, have they ever been able to take
accountability for anything? Literally I had a 10 by two of
y'all and I only yeah, they theysaid sorry, they they took
(10:44):
accountability apologize. Did they really go back to the
last time they took accountability for something?
Go back to the last time that they actually apologized for
something? Was it an actual apology or was
it something else? Was it an actual apology or was
it something different right. This is something that this is
(11:04):
something that really matters right here Was it was did they
say it? Look if they cheated on you
right? Did they say look, I'm so sorry
for cheating on you. I shouldn't have done that.
Infidelity is never the way I should avoid if something was
wrong in our marriage or in our relationship, I should have
voiced it to you instead of stepping outside of our
marriage. I'm extremely regretful.
I'm extremely I feel horrible. I'm going to work my best to
change these behaviors. It's not nothing to do with you.
(11:26):
It's 100% on me. This is it's all my fault.
I did this. I cheated, I lied, I
manipulated, I even tricked the other part.
I lied to the other person. This has nothing to do with you.
I, I regret it. I truly, truly regret it.
I'm going to work my hardest to earn your forgiveness and I
don't expect you to ever forgiveme.
But if you have it in your heart, there's I'm saying that's
more along the lines of a true apology.
(11:48):
A fake apology is well, I'm sorry, but what about you, what
you've done? I'm sorry for hurting you.
I'm sorry for everything. I'm sorry to put you through
this. I'm sorry you had to find out
this way. I'm sorry.
The words I'm sorry does not denote an apology because it
says is the words I'm sorry exist in a statement or is it
(12:11):
exist in a sentence. It does not mean I'm sorry.
It does not mean that it's it does not mean that it's an
actual apology. It just means that this person
is saying I'm sorry and so many people, so many people on the
other end of the spectrum, so many impasse or people that want
to heal and get through. They want to hear those words.
I'm sorry. So those so bad.
Did they accept it? There's like, oh, he said I'm
sorry. Like did they, did they really
(12:34):
say I'm sorry? Did they really say I'm sorry?
Right. Did they really say I'm sorry?
Or did they because of a true authentic apology and
accountability required the person to actually admit what
they've done wrong, right. the IT requires them to say what
they've done wrong. I'm sorry for hurting you
doesn't mean anything. What the hell?
(12:55):
I'm sorry for doing what? Hurting me.
How did you hurt me? Well, you know what I did.
Why got I explained to you that's not somebody that's
taking accountability. So again, have they ever taken
accountability for anything thatthey've done to you and not
blamed you? If they have is the answer is
no, then more than likely they're not going to change
their behaviors, right? More than likely they're going
(13:18):
to put it on to you. More than likely the burden of
changing is going to be on you. More than likely the burden of
wanting to be making this relationship work is going to
also be on you. I think that's what people have
to realize as well, that the burden is on you.
If you want to stay in this relationship dynamic with a
narcissist or toxic person, whatever, right?
You got to ask yourself the question, how much burden am I
(13:39):
willing to carry? Because with a narcissist,
you're going to carry a lot. You're going to incur a ton of
the burden right here that mean you might carry all of it.
Narcissistic people would ratherchange their environments and
change their relationship than to change themselves, right?
I would rather move on to someone else, move on to a new
supply, than to change who I am and what I've been doing.
(14:02):
I want to fit you into my environment as opposed to you
fitting in as opposed to fittinginto my environment.
I want you. I want my environment to be a
product of me as opposed to me being a product of my
environment in this size of relationship.
So if you in this relationship with me, I want the relationship
to be toxic. That's the way it's going to
lean towards. That's the way it's going to
(14:22):
filter towards, right? This is how it goes.
This is the mentality, right? And I tell, I tried to tell so
many people, right? I want you.
Yeah. When I tell you I want you all
to win. I need you all to believe me.
I need you all to truly, truly believe me.
But I absolutely want you all towin.
I want you to win so bad that I'd be like, I tell you all this
shit. I go into detail about what
(14:44):
about bad things that I have done.
I expose myself to help, hoping that it helps other hoping then
it reaches the right audience and it brings clarity to people
that it makes the way it wakes up the right people, that the
right people hear these videos, the right people see these
videos to hear them. I hear my podcast on Spotify.
I'm like, damn, Lee really wantsus to win.
(15:04):
Damn, I really needed to hear that because I had no idea what
was actually going on in my relationship.
Damn this person did this. Damn this person did that.
Like Lee wants us to win. Y'all be.
I really do man. I really really truly do.
That's why that's why I really do so I sell.
That's why. That's what my courses are super
cheap. People give it like Lee, you
need to raise your price on yourcourses.
Lee, you need to raise your price on your one on ones.
(15:26):
There's people charging three $400.00 for a course.
That's not me. I want more.
I want to reach more people. I would rather sell a course for
$75.00 then $7500 if it's going to reach more people.
I would rather reach 75, seven, 750 people for $10 then to reach
one person for 7500. You know what I'm saying?
(15:48):
I want to help more people than I hurt.
That's literally what I want to do.
That's little bit like this. This channels the stuff that I
do right now is literally me trying to make off of past
things that I've done. And yes, the people that I've
hurt in the past out if they're still involved in my life.
Yes, I have absolutely apologized to people.
Yes, I've taken accountability for my role and stuff.
My wife's family, her friends, people that people that that
(16:09):
knew I hurt her, I literally looked them directly in their
face. I sat down with him just like
I'm talking to you right now andsay, look, I'm sorry I did this.
I'm sorry I did that. I literally went into detail and
explained to them, now I'm goingto be better.
This shit won't happen again. And I spent the last what, 456
years being better? Literally set everybody down.
Is your narcissistic partner willing to do that?
Is your narcissistic ex or whatever willing to sit down
(16:31):
with every member of your familythat knows what they've done and
tell them about it, expose themselves and apologize and
promise it it will never happen again?
If they're not willing to do that, then no, they're not going
to change y'all. Because that's what it requires.
That's a requirement for them tosit down and tell people what
they've done to you, what they put you through.
Feel that shame. Go through that shame.
(16:51):
Feel it, go through it and just battle with it because that's
what I had to do. Literally had to feel the I had
to sit with the shame and fight through it.
Are they willing to sit with theshame and fight through it?
Most times the answer to their question is going to be
absolutely not. They're not going to do
anything. They're not going to fight
through the shame. Why would they?
Why the hell would they want to fight through shame when they
don't feel like they don't? Do they feel like they don't
have to deal with it? Why the hell would they want to
(17:12):
do that right there, You know what I'm saying?
That's the mentality. Those are the questions you have
to ask yourself in totality. Like, why would this person want
to sit and deal with any type ofshame if they don't have to?
If I don't force them to sit through that shame if they if
they like, why would they want it?
Look, in closing, yeah, it's notabout you. 100 percent, 100% is
(17:33):
not about you. They're going to treat you how
they think you deserve to be treated, not how you actually
deserve to be treated. There's a difference between
those two statements right there.
They're going to treat you how they think you deserve to be
treated, not how they think you deserve to be treated.
And until they did, they treat you like you deserve to be
treated. It's not going to work.
Why would it work? Why would it work if they're
(17:54):
only treating you how they thinkyou deserve to be treated and
not how you think you deserve tobe treated?
Why would their relationship work?
Any relationship I even would have narcissist, toxic person
overall, in general. Why would that work?
You know what I'm saying? This is the stuff that we have
to talk about. These are the toughest
conversation that we have to have because if we don't have
them, if they're not had, then guess what's going to happen?
We're just going to this type ofstuff is going to fall by the
wayside. More people are going to get
(18:15):
hurt. More people are going to stay in
toxic relationship dynamics thinking that that person is
going to change, but typically they're not going to change.
Y'all, I hate to say that. I know people like damn, Lee,
that sucks. I don't even want.
Yeah, I you think I like saying that?
You think I get players out of saying like, yeah, man, I've
that little that that abuser notgoing to ever change.
No, I don't like saying that type of stuff.
(18:36):
Yeah, I really don't know. I just my face got funny when I
said that. I really don't like saying that
type of stuff. I want y'all to win probably
more than you want yourself to win, right?
You know, like Lee, I want to win too.
But what is going to happen it Iwant you to win.
I made these videos longer y'all.
Like I said the the channel is about transition to the mental.
The mental illness podcast is about to take over y'all.
I've recorded 6 interviews already and I got three more
(18:58):
scheduled this week. Had somebody stand me up for an
interview the other day. I ain't gonna say nothing.
It hurt my feelings. I was changing my whole schedule
around to do an interview. Personally didn't show up.
Sucks. That sucked, right?
But that's the way it goes sometimes.
Y'all, if you want to be able to, if you if you're interested
in being interviewed on the mental Illness podcast, you can
find a link in the description of every podcast and every video
I do. It's like it's a TinyURL.
(19:19):
It's a TinyURL that mental illness podcast or something
like that. It's in the description of every
video podcast I do. Make sure you click on it, fill
it out. Like I'm doing stuff in person,
like I'm right here. This is my this is my podcast
studio right here, y'all, I'm inperson in North Carolina or I'm
doing virtual. My first six have been virtual.
My first in person is probably going to be my wife.
You'll see me sitting right herefor my wife interviewing,
(19:39):
interviewing her, asking her thequestions everybody even asking
right. But she going to tell her story
not even but be about me. I know people don't ask
questions about me, how to deal with me and stuff like that, but
she's going to be telling her story of what of again of these
questions that I asked y'all today.
She's going to answer those questions for you about yes, Lee
has she's going, she's going to use my first name.
My first name is Damon. She was like, yes, Damon has
been consistent. Yes, every time he said he's
(20:01):
going to do something, he did it.
Yes, he's been selfless. He's done stuff for me that
didn't benefit him. Yes, he loves his children.
Yes, he does this. Yes, he's going to tell y'all
the stuff that I that I have done to change my behaviors.
Of course, right. But she's going to give y'all
for her perspective, her life story, and all the other good
stuff y'all I'm excited for. Anyway, y'all.
Hit the subscribe button. You haven't already.
(20:22):
And it's always, always. We're doing this.
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