Why don't narcissistic people ever let anything go? Why do that continuously bring up the past and things that happened so long ago but then get upset when you do the same thing?
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I'm Lee & I've been diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder ( NPD ). I've been in therapy since 2017 & It has definitely changed my life because without it, I would have lost everything. My platform is dedicated to giving you the WHYs behind the things that Narcissists do. I'm not here to diagnose ANYONE or to tell you to leave your relationship. I'm just trying to give you the information to make your own informed decisions
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Episode Transcript
So why don't narcissists ever let anything go?
Why are they always bringing up the past?
Why are they always bringing up stuff from the past that you
have done, but you are not allowed to bring up stuff that
they have done? That's the topic we're covering
today, y'all. But why?
They just can't leave the past in the past.
(00:21):
But they tell you to do the samething.
They tell you to do it. Of course.
If you're new here, I'm Lee Hammock.
I'm a diagnosed narcissist here to give you an inside look at
the mind of a narcissist. Not not a narcissistic lobotomy,
but the mind of a narcissist. Right.
But, yeah, we're gonna have right into it.
Yes. The main reason that
(00:42):
narcissistic, toxic people refuse to let things go is
because they can use it against you.
Yeah. Why let me put my let me put my
narcissist hat on, y'all? Somebody got to send me a
narcissist hat, e-mail me. But if I put my narcissist hat
on and I go into the mind of a narcissist and I ask myself like
(01:03):
why won't I let things go? The answer would be because it
serves me. I get something from it.
The things that I do not let go,I get something from.
I absolutely get something from.The things that I do not let go,
the things that I hold on to, the things that I weaponize
(01:25):
against you, I'm getting something from those things.
Absolutely. I absolutely am.
There's nothing that is, like I said, that's why I can always
bring it up. I don't care how long it's been.
Anything that has, anything thathas happened in the past, I can
bring up. It's free game.
(01:46):
To me it is, absolutely. That's how the mind works.
As long as I can use it right now, it's valid.
Well, Lee, what about? The stuff.
That they've done to us. In the.
Past Why? Can't we?
Bring that up. You're not me.
You're not. No, but seriously, that's the
mentality that narcissists have.They don't think that you are
(02:08):
them like this. They'll tell you.
It's like, hey, look, you're notme.
The double standards do apply here.
You don't get to do what I get to do, right?
Am I right? So with that being said, it's
like as you continue to move forward dealing with this
narcissistic person, you have tounderstand that they're always
going to bring it up. Now can is it valid right now?
(02:31):
Probably not y'all like, let's be real, the stuff that
narcissists tend to throw in your face from the past is
probably not valid right now, right?
But they're going to use it because it throws you off.
Y'all if y'all see if y'all beenrocking me, rocking with me for
a while. There's an argument technique
that a lot of toxic manipulativepeople use.
It's called gish gallop. Like is gish GISH gallop like
(02:56):
you galloping on a horse, right.Gish gallop happens or occurs
when a narcissistic person or a toxic person or just a, a
dishonest person just just brings up stuff that has no
bearing right now. They start, they throw you off
topic. They have these circular
conversations or these circular arguments that throw you off of
(03:19):
topic, that throw you left and right and just keep you off
balance. It's called start.
It's got another name of anothername for it.
It's called starting small fireslike these small things that I
do. Let's say out like let's say me
and you were talking about narcissism, right?
Or how I cheated on you. Cheating is easy.
How? I stole money from you, right?
I stole some money from you, right?
(03:40):
You. You come to me.
You asked me like now? Lee, why'd you steal that money
from me? You know that money.
You know I needed that money. I needed to pay my.
Rent I'm just like rent why? Why are we even paying rent in
the 1st place like this? This place should be free.
Look at look look at how torped this place is.
This is crazy. I wish I could just live with my
mom. Speaking of moms, what did your
(04:01):
mom come up? Why don't your mom help you with
the rent? You know I mean Speaking of my
mom, my mom don't worry to be found.
I talked to my mom in months. My mom get mad at me and has cut
me off because my dad told her to and my dad never loved me.
And you see what about your dad?Is your dad in the picture?
Does your dad love you or your mom and dad still together?
What the hell are we talking about right now?
You see what I'm saying now? You confused?
(04:23):
I know you confused you like really?
What the hell just happened? We went from me stealing your
money to somehow, some way, shape or form, bring it up your
mom. Bring it up my mom.
Bring it up your dad, bring it up your mom.
The how the rent should be free.How we both victims here.
How I'm a victim of my mom and my dad.
I'm asking you or your mom and dad still together.
What the hell are we talking about?
(04:45):
You see, a lot of narcissists use that type of stuff right
there. That's Gish Gallup.
But it's neither here nor there.Back to the top of your hand.
They will absolutely bring stuffup that doesn't matter.
From the past. Yeah, they shot you.
Shot the past. I bought the past right there.
Maybe my mom doesn't talk to me anymore.
Maybe everything I said right just then is true.
But what? What validity does it have right
(05:07):
now? You see what I'm saying?
When you are trying to argue with a narcissist or have a
conversation with a narcissist, or hold them accountable or just
have a decent talk with them, you got to understand that you
have to keep bringing them back to the point at hand.
Keep bringing them back to the topic.
Do not let them skirt off left or do not let them skirt off to
(05:27):
the right. Because if they do, if you allow
them to do it once, they will keep doing it over and over and
over again and they will not stop.
Why would they stop something that works for them?
Why would they stop something that serves them?
So if I you, if I can bring up the past or something that has
happened right now and it works for me, why would I stop?
Why would I not do this again? So if you're trying to have a
(05:51):
conversation with a narcissist or whatever, you have to keep
bringing them back to the point.OK, that's in the past.
Let's talk about what? Let's talk about the things that
are valid right now. Let's talk about you stealing my
money. Yeah, My, my mom and dad are not
together. What about my money?
What about my money? Can you find?
How could you? Why did you steal my money?
I'm going to hold you accountable for instead of my
(06:12):
money. But.
What about you? See what I'm saying?
But what about the time when youneeded a ride and I came and
picked you up in the middle of the night?
When you When your girlfriend broke up with you?
Wow, you going to be like that? Wow.
What about you cheating on your girlfriend?
I ain't telling her that I ain'ttell your girlfriend that you
cheated on her. You.
Worry about a little money. What about loyalty?
What about loyalty to me? What about me being loyalty to
you? You know what I'm saying?
(06:33):
Why you keep doing like this? Now you see something that you
told them in confidence about you cheating, something that you
told me in confidence about you cheating on your partner years
ago and they don't know about it.
Now I'm suddenly threatening to use it against you.
You see, now I brought up the past 'cause I can use it against
you, I can get you off on my back.
Now you won't bring up if you want to stay with your
(06:55):
girlfriend. You're not going to bring up no
stealing shit no more now are you?
You're not going to talk about the stealing anymore, now are
you? You see what I'm saying?
That's where this goes. That's why this, this has a lot
to do. When you're dealing with the
person who has this type of mentality, you have to
understand that they're going tokeep doing this type of stuff
because it's going to work for them.
Why can't I just let things go? Because I don't want to.
(07:17):
I don't want to let it go because I can.
If I can keep living in the past, if I can victimize myself
over and over and over again by something that happened years
ago, I'm going to keep doing it because it serves me.
It works. I love it.
You know what I'm saying? I'm going to if I if victimizing
myself continuously works, I'm going to keep victimizing myself
(07:40):
over and over again because it continuously works.
No one is holding me accountableas long as I can play the
victim. I feel like I can get away from
accountability. As long as I can play the
victim. I feel like I can get away from
a lot of different things. I feel like I can escape a lot
of different things. I feel like I can escape a lot
of different hurts and pains andstuff like that.
I feel like I'm able to do that because I can bring up the past,
(08:03):
Bringing up the past. Holding on the stuff allows me
to live in constant victimhood, you know?
And the more I live in victimhood, the better off that
I feel. The more I can be a victim, the
better I feel in these circumstances, in these
situations. So I'm not going to stop playing
the victim. I'm not going to let this type
of stuff go because I can use it.
I can use it or, or, or I can use it for good or I can use it
(08:26):
for bad for myself, not just foryou.
If I'm playing the victim, I'm not.
Only if I can bring up stuff that has happened to me in the
past or that somebody has done to me in the past.
Not only can I use that to play the victim against you and get
myself out of stuff. I can use that as A to play the
victim to myself. If I failed at something before,
(08:46):
I can keep telling myself this negative self talk that a lot of
people have not just narcissist.I can keep telling myself that.
Damn it, you know what, this sucks.
I just, I just I've failed at this before.
You know, I dropped, I fell out of school before.
Why do I want to go back to school just so I can fail again?
You said I just use the past or something that has happened to
(09:08):
me in the past to re victimize myself, to talk myself out of
doing something that I might want to do.
That's what narcissists can do too.
They can use the stuff that has happened to them in the past to
keep themselves in victimhood, in victim mode, to keep
themselves from being progressive, to keep themselves
from doing something that could benefit themselves and benefit
their families. This happens too.
(09:29):
It's not always about narcissistnot letting things go for you.
It's hard for us as narcissisticpeople to let go of things for
ourselves as well. This is kind of like a double
edged sword in this situation. Like, I don't let things go
because I can use them and I canalways victimize myself.
Now, are there narcissists who are able to?
(09:49):
Are there narcissists who are able to navigate this stuff and
let things go just enough to keep progressing forward?
Yeah, there are some narcissiststhat do that, right?
Not every narcissist is going tovictimize themselves to
themselves. That's not how it works.
You have a lot of successful narcissists.
They go back to school. They do things that they that
succeed where they have, they succeed right now where they
(10:10):
have previously failed in the past.
So it's not going to apply to every single narcissist, but
there are a ton, a metric ton ofnarcissists who absolutely do
victimize ourselves because it works, because it helps us.
It gives us an excuse to be mediocre.
It gives up. It gives us an excuse to be just
nasty ass people. Yeah.
(10:30):
Something happened to me in the past.
I'm not letting it go. Don't you don't think that's
making you a nasty person? I don't give a damn.
I'm coming. Mr. Nasty.
Mr. Nasty Lee. But that's how it goes though,
y'all? I'm serious.
It's very difficult to let types, this type of stuff go.
Yeah, some narcissists absolutely do hold grudges.
I know. But like you, you could have
just said they don't. They hold the grudges.
(10:52):
And some narcissists can absolutely hold grudges forever
and never, ever forgive you. Never, ever let things go.
They might act like it, they might pretend to, but they
never, ever let things go that has been that has happened to
them or that you have done to them or that somebody else has
done to them. They never, ever let it go.
And can the opposite be true about it being victim mode?
Yeah, there's some narcissists who don't victimize themselves
(11:12):
with the past. They don't let things go because
they they use it as fuel to progress themselves forward in
order to become successful and things of that nature.
So that can be true as well. It's not always victimhood
victim mode to stay stagnant andto stay sitting around and doing
this type of stuff. Sometimes they use the stuff
that has happened in the past topropel themselves forward just
like non narcissistic people do as well.
(11:34):
Anyways, y'all, you know, I hit the 11 minute mark.
I try to keep these things under13 minutes.
The mental illness podcast is launching soon.
Y'all, it is absolutely launching soon.
If you want to be on the show, there's a link in the comment
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(11:56):
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here, hit the subscribe button, y'all.
You don't want to miss these episodes.
I'm doing interviews, hit the subscribe button, I'm out.
(12:17):
Peace.
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