Why do narcissists constantly bring up YOUR past but won't allow you to bring up theirs? In this episode, I explain the double standard that exists in narcissistic relationships and why toxic people use your past as a weapon against you - even things that happened before you met them.
🔗 Apply to be on the Mental Healness Podcast - https://tinyurl.com/Mental-Healness-Podcast-Form🔗 Visit https://mentalhealness.net for courses and resources
Contact Me - https://link.me/mentalhealness
I'm Lee & I've been diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder ( NPD ). I've been in therapy since 2017 & It has definitely changed my life because without it, I would have lost everything. My platform is dedicated to giving you the WHYs behind the things that Narcissists do. I'm not here to diagnose ANYONE or to tell you to leave your relationship. I'm just trying to give you the information to make your own informed decisions
1 on 1's and all my links - https://beacons.page/mentalhealness
Remember, It's not your fault - https://a.co/d/2WNtdKJ
Episode Transcript
So why are narcissists consistently breaking up the
past but you can't do it right? That's what we talked about
today y'all. Why narcissistic people?
Toxic people like to consistently and constantly
bring up the past but won't allow you to do the same thing.
(00:22):
Of course, if you're new here, my name is Lee Hammock.
I'm a diagnosed narcissist and welcome to another episode of
the Narcissist Go y'all, which we which we'll be transitioning
to the mental illness podcast here pretty soon because the
interviews are on the way. Y'all, The interviews are on the
way. You're going to apply to be on
the podcast. The link is in the description
of every video that I do. But yes, let's hop right into
(00:44):
it, y'all. The past is a tool that
narcissists use to build a like a House of protection, right?
A a House of worship and whatnot.
Why do they keep bringing up thepast so much?
Simply put, because it works. Because it's useful.
Bringing up the past is absolutely a useful tool for
(01:09):
narcissistic people. It Yeah, it really just it, it
can be as simple as that right there sometimes that the past, I
can always use it. And This is why I tell people
like when you're getting to knowsomebody, fill them out.
Don't just go trauma dumping on them.
Don't just be sharing your deep emotional past with this person.
(01:30):
Don't share your deepest darkestsecrets with this person.
Like build up to that. Make them earn your information.
Earn it like your if y'all make them earn it because they will
absolutely bring up the past against you.
Even the past they had nothing to do with them.
Yes, narcissists will bring up the past that y'all have created
(01:53):
together, right? Y'all could have been together
for 10 years and they can bring up something for year one and
use it against you. But not only will they do that,
they will also bring up the stuff that happened before y'all
were even together. Because it work.
If y'all be it does work, bring it up.
The past absolutely works for narcissist.
(02:14):
It is not. It's a tool, it's a weapon.
It absolutely is and I think a lot of y'all would just
understand how this works with manipulative, abusive, toxic,
lying, narcissistic bastards. They will absolutely bring it up
because it works. Like if I'm losing an argument
or you're a narcissistic partneror parent, whoever they are,
right, is losing an argument to you and I have nothing else.
(02:38):
I'm losing an argument because you have all the facts.
The facts are not on my side, right?
The fiction is fiction and storytelling is on my side,
right? But the facts are not serving me
here. So guess what I do?
I go into my little Rolodex of the past seven years ago.
Yeah, yeah, blow it off 'cause it's destiny.
(03:04):
Gotcha, ass. Remember what you did?
You let me take you. Let me take you back to a little
year I like to call 2018. You remember that year?
What about what you did to me that year?
Yeah, I'm cheating on you right now.
Yeah, you bust. You might have busted me
cheating. But remember in 2018, when we
were trying to build this relationship, we were just fresh
(03:26):
together and you didn't respond to me within a timely manner.
Now, see how stupid that sounds?They cheated on you, but you
didn't respond to them in a timely manner in 2018, when
you're first getting to know each other.
And somehow that's equal. We both made mistakes.
(03:46):
It's wrong. I know I did you wrong, but what
about what you did? That's a common theme that a lot
of narcissistic people will use.The past, the works.
It serves. Yeah.
The past for a narcissist and them using against you does
absolutely serve a purpose. It really, really does.
It serves serves a unique purpose.
It serves a great purpose for them because they know they
(04:08):
understand that they keep they get to keep doing this type of
stuff. They know they understand that
they can use this against you. They know they understand of how
and what that they can put you through.
This is the mindset of a lot of narcissistic abusive people.
So they love using the past likeanything, you know, anything is
like nothing is off limits. Anything is on the table.
(04:33):
When they are angry with you or they want to hurt your feelings
or they want to, they're trying to get away from accountable or
they're trying to blame you for something, anything is on the
table. They will bring up your
childhood trauma, which they were not around for.
They will bring up something that happened to you, you
something your ex did to you, which they were not around for
and tell you that you deserved it.
(04:53):
Remember when you remember sincewell, since we talked about
this, since we, since we on the topic, remember when your ex
blacked your eye? You remember that because I
remember that you told me about it.
I wasn't there, but you deserve to get your eye black.
The way you talking to me, I seewhy they punch you in your eye.
That's why they swole you up because look how you are.
(05:16):
Look how evil you are. You see how you act.
You see how you treat me. You see what you do to me.
You see how you behave. You see how you see what you put
me through. That's what they'll do to you.
Yeah, I know it's a ridiculous, but that's literally what they
would say to you. They it doesn't matter what it
was, if they were there for it, they still think it's relevant
(05:37):
to use against you. They still think it's OK to
bring this type of stuff up because it serves them right
now. They think that the past is the
past that matters right now whenit absolutely doesn't now.
So can the past be? Can the using the past make
sense sometimes? Yeah, let's be real.
But I had to correct myself right there.
(05:58):
But most times it doesn't in thecontext of dealing with a
narcissistic person because whenthey're using a past against
you, it's typically on a topic that has nothing to do with
what's going on right now. It just doesn't, y'all.
But on the flip side of things, I know y'all want to talk about
like, well Lee, they Lee, they always break my partner, my ex,
my husband, my wife, whatever. They are always bringing up the
(06:20):
past and using it against me. They use my my body count, they
use my height, my weight, whatever.
They always things that I don't,things that I'm ashamed of that
I share with them. They always use this against me.
Like, but when I try to break upsomething from their past, they
lose they damn minds. Why is that Lee?
Because Simply put, the double standard to do exist in these
(06:42):
relationships, y'all, the doublestandards absolutely do exist in
these relationships. They absolutely do.
You don't get to do what I get to do.
And that can be Simply put, you don't.
We are not on the same level. We are not equal here.
You don't get to say or do or talk about the things that I
(07:03):
have done. That's not how it works here.
Like no, I bring up the past because it's relevant.
You bring up the past because you're just you, you because
you're stuck in the past becauseyou don't know how to grow up,
because you you don't know how to let things go.
And the same thing applies to them.
It doesn't make sense to you, but to that narcissistic person,
(07:24):
them use them, bringing up the past absolutely makes sense to
them. You know it really does and
their and their justification for it because yours is stupid
and mine is not. This could be as simple as
Simply put, I can do it because I'm me.
You can't do it because you're you.
We are not equal. We are not the same.
(07:45):
Well, we, we, we don't representthe same thing.
No, you don't get to use the past against me because I
because I said so, because you just don't.
And now I guess what happens, Y'all guess what happens when
you try to bring up the past within ourselves, something that
they've done in the past? Guess what happens if you're
arguing about something and if you bring up something that they
(08:05):
have done in the past, they willthrow off the entire argument to
focus on why you brought something up from the past.
So sometimes when you try to bring up the past against a
narcissist, they use this. They use it as an opportunity,
not for growth, an opportunity to just do keep doing things to
you. They use it as an opportunity to
(08:26):
mess with you, to throw you off the topic, to throw you off
track. You know, I talked to a a woman
yesterday on my one on ones my zoom calls and she brought up
the turn. She brought up a video I did a
long time ago called about Gish gallop.
Well, how narcissist will start a bunch of small arguments
within one to throw you all off to confuse you because so now
(08:48):
you don't even know what the beginning argument was about.
You bring up something that they've done.
Were you yelled at me? Remember you yelled at me last
week? Wow, you going to bring that up?
Wow, how dirty? How low down and dirty are you?
Wow, you can't let go of stuff. Look how you been doing like I
made a mistake. You still using it against me.
We know you going to grow up. You see, the fact that you
(09:10):
haven't grown up is really an indication of how you were
raised by your parents. That's why your daddy wasn't
there. That's why your Mama beat your
ass. That's why your sister hated
you. That's why your brother hated
you. Let's talk about that, right?
That's about the fact that your brother hates you.
He doesn't talk to you more so we now we went from you yell
them them yelling at you all theway to them now bringing up your
(09:31):
the fact that your brother hasn't spoken to you.
How we get here? How do we get here?
This starting small fires. It's called Gish gallop.
This is a technique that a lot of bad faith actors will use,
like people who are not coming to you in in good faith people
who politicians you politicians use this argument tech technique
all the time called Gish gallop.GISH gallop like a horse, you
(09:55):
know, but they would do this type of stuff.
They use you bringing up the past as an opportunity to
belittle you and hurt your feelings even more and also an
opportunity to start several other arguments within this one.
So now you don't even know what the hell the first argument was
about. Like you like what the hell we
talked about in the 1st place. I forgot now.
Right, I forgot what we talked about.
Now I'm not clear on how dizzy we even got here.
(10:18):
I don't even know what happened.Rabble rabble rabble blah blah
blah Boo Boo Boo BBB. You see, I I'm just telling you,
y'all see how it goes right there in these spaces like they
love break it up the past because they can use it or they
hate when you bring it up because it makes them feel
shame. The core of it y'all, they hate
when you bring it up because it makes them feel ashamed.
Even if you're you bring out of the past is truth is true and
(10:42):
it's applicable to this situation right now.
They will try to throw you off the topic because this is how
the mind of a lot of narcissistswork.
They don't want to be held accountable.
They just hate the fact that accountability, even the word
accountability even exists. So it's just how we go y'all.
Anyway, y'all, they have arrivedme for the end.
Really, truly appreciate every single one of y'all.
Thank y'all for making it to 500K.
(11:03):
That means we're halfway to the million, halfway to the Millie.
Let's get to 1,000,000 by the end.
Where? Where we at?
October, November, December. We have three months.
Let's get to 1,000,000 in three months.
Maybe a record, whatever. No, maybe not a record.
Maybe crazy though. I appreciate y'all.
You haven't subscribed. Why not hit the subscribe
button? Bye, bye please.
Popular Podcasts
Stuff You Should Know
If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.
Dateline NBC
Current and classic episodes, featuring compelling true-crime mysteries, powerful documentaries and in-depth investigations. Follow now to get the latest episodes of Dateline NBC completely free, or subscribe to Dateline Premium for ad-free listening and exclusive bonus content: DatelinePremium.com
CrimeLess: Hillbilly Heist
It’s 1996 in rural North Carolina, and an oddball crew makes history when they pull off America’s third largest cash heist. But it’s all downhill from there. Join host Johnny Knoxville as he unspools a wild and woolly tale about a group of regular ‘ol folks who risked it all for a chance at a better life. CrimeLess: Hillbilly Heist answers the question: what would you do with 17.3 million dollars? The answer includes diamond rings, mansions, velvet Elvis paintings, plus a run for the border, murder-for-hire-plots, and FBI busts.