June 20, 2024 • 49 mins
Prepare to be inspired and empowered as we welcome Desiree Panlilio, a dedicated teen and parent life coach, to The Mic'd Up & Motivated podcast. Desiree shares her remarkable journey from a critical care nurse to a life coach, shedding light on the vital role of resilience, empathy, and parent-teen solid relationships. Learn how Desiree helps teenagers navigate failures and setbacks gracefully and patiently, offering practical advice on setting goals, building self-confidence, and fostering a supportive environment. Her heartfelt stories and professional insights make this episode a treasure trove of wisdom for parents and teens alike.
Discover the transformative power of parenting with love and wisdom through Desiree's invaluable reflections. Drawing from her own experiences, she emphasizes the importance of elevating conversations over raising voices and nurturing self-advocacy skills in children. Desiree's approach highlights the balance between coaching and parenting in emotionally charged situations like teenage breakups, allowing children to process their emotions and develop independence. This episode underscores the significance of guiding children through real-world interactions with a foundation of understanding and support.
We also tackle the pervasive influence of social media on teens and the importance of meaningful parental engagement in their online activities. Desiree provides strategies for connecting with teenagers through shared interests and treating them as equals, fostering solid and respectful relationships. Gain inspiration from impactful role models and learn to guide teenagers gracefully and patiently. With actionable advice and heartfelt narratives, this episode is essential listening for anyone navigating the complexities of parenting or working with teens in this day and age.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
I tell every parent a teenager is one decision from a
bad outcome.
They are one decision from abad outcome.
And you know what, as long asit's not so bad that they can't,
they can recover from anything,as long as you love them right.
They fail a test.
Okay, it's a bad day, it's nota bad life, it's you know.
They failed a test.
(00:20):
They already feel bad.
So the conversation is wow,what's next?
How are you going to fix this?
How do you move forward fromthere?
Not like you're never going tocollege, you're going to be this
or that.
None of those things transpire.
Speaker 3 (00:36):
Welcome to the Mic'd Up and Motivated podcast, where
we interview passionateprofessionals who empower young
people, impact lives and createpositive change in schools,
organizations and communities.
Speaker 4 (00:51):
Motivated, motivated, motivated, motivated, motivated
(01:16):
, motivated, motivated,motivated podcast.
(01:40):
Welcome to the Mic'd Up andMotivated podcast.
I'm your host, jason A Dixon,and in this episode I interview
Desiree Panaleo, who is a teenand parent life coach.
Her holistic approach bringsclarity, direction and positive
support to both teens andparents.
Desiree helps teens discoverand create a pathway to a clear
(02:02):
and focused future.
For parents, navigating theteen years and creating
connections with your teen ischallenging, and Desiree helps
parents to fill that space andbuild a relationship.
By identifying where growth isdesired, setting goals and
objectives and holdingaccountability, clients will
reach their highest goals anddreams.
(02:23):
We all have a light within usand Desiree believes it is
important to have it shine.
I just want to start off bypublicly thanking you and just
acknowledging how patient you'vebeen during this whole process.
I know it's been a while I'vebeen trying to get you on the
podcast, so I just want to thankyou publicly for just all your
(02:43):
patience and just being preparedand being ready for today.
Speaker 1 (02:49):
Well, thank you.
You know what Part of beingpatient is?
Just part of who I am.
I try to be patient.
I do lose my patience becausenone of us are perfect, but I
try to be patient and give grace.
So, yes, thank you.
Speaker 4 (02:59):
Thank you, Thank you again and again.
Throughout this process I'vekind of had a chance to get to
know you a little bit and seewhy you're so effective as a
teen and parent life coach.
You've coached me through thisprocess of us just even getting
this podcast up and going, soI've had a chance to see it up
close and personal.
Have you always been that way?
Speaker 1 (03:22):
I'm patient and full of grace?
I don't know.
I would think in my youngeryears absolutely not.
I think if you were to ask myparents, they'd tell you I was
like any other teenager.
I wanted it now.
I wanted it right away.
But during my growing up andchanging I always wanted to help
people.
So I became a nurse.
That was my big ambition when Iwas a kid.
(03:43):
I want to be a nurse and Ithink having that opportunity to
go into nursing it really stopsyou, although it's incredibly
fast-paced, but it also stopsyou to realize that people need
patience, people need grace.
So I have worked on that.
Do you think that I've lost mytemper and lost my cool Many
times?
But I really try to check itand say is this the hill I want
(04:04):
to die on?
Is this what I want to do?
And kind of the big thing is Iwent through life and I
journeyed.
That moment when you lose it oryou get really angry or you
blow up, that's what peopleremember about you forever.
They don't ever remember howmuch kindness you show them.
Afterwards.
They remember that moment, thatmost negative moment.
(04:24):
I mean.
Think about anything you do inlife.
If someone does somethingamazing for you like you go to a
restaurant and you have thebest service, you might tip your
waitress nicely, but it's notlike you go home and write this
amazing review about them, right?
You just kind of move on.
But if you went to that samerestaurant and it was awful, you
would be on Google giving thema one-star review, right?
Yeah?
Speaker 4 (04:43):
that's true.
That's very true.
You're right about that.
How do you explain that?
Because you're right about that.
Speaker 1 (04:51):
It's just, you know people.
I think we just like to do that.
I think when we complain, wefeel that we're going to get
something or that we make itmiserable for anyone, instead of
kind of giving the grace thatone, maybe they're having a bad
day.
I are both for anyone.
Instead of kind of giving thegrace that one, maybe they're
having a bad day, I always tryto think about if something's
going bad, hopefully it'sbecause they're having a bad day
and hopefully that if I washaving that bad of a day,
(05:12):
someone would give me that grace.
Speaker 4 (05:14):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (05:15):
Kind of step back.
I mean, there's always timeswhen you know it's gone, you've
kind of given that grace, andthen you're like then they kind
of hit my line in the sand,where then I'm like now I'm
going to have to get angry, andI usually preface it with now
I'm not going to be nice, nowI'm disappointed.
And then usually they're likewow, okay, cause they know that
you've tried to kind of meetthem where they're at.
Speaker 4 (05:36):
Right, right, no, again, again.
You just sound like a lifecoach.
It just flows out of you.
So I want to ask you is thissomeone who who's, I'll say,
dabbled in life coaching as well, with teens and life, uh, uh,
teens?
I get the reaction a lot oftimes well, you know, wow,
that's amazing, but also like,so what does that entail?
(05:58):
So I'll ask you this as aprofessional life coach for
teens and young what does thatmean?
What does life coaching entail?
Like, how would you summarizeit in your own words?
Speaker 1 (06:12):
So, you know, it's kind of like I tell parents when
I get to talk to them, youalways wonder as a parent if
you're doing the right thing andif you're being a good parent.
And that's what I wondered,right?
And we get teenagers and you'rereally wondering, right,
because there's that eye rolling, the frustration that your
teen's trying to kind ofdisengage from you and kind of
become their own person, right?
So a teen life coach, my bigthing is to help the teen have
(06:34):
that, have that independence andnot having mom and dad kind of
breathing down their neck anddriving their path, letting them
learn that personalresponsibility and personal
accountability.
Because for even me as a parent, it was really hard to like let
go.
You want to kind of hold on,you want to make sure your kid
makes the right steps, does theright thing, does their homework
, but at some point you got tostep back as a parent and go if
(06:57):
they don't do something.
They are going to learn so muchfrom this experience and that's
really where I came into it asa parent.
I saw parents you know we callthem helicopter parenting we
have them doing all this otherstuff.
I don't think it helps.
So teen life coaching is reallyabout helping kids figure out
what is their pathway to success.
What does personalaccountability mean, what does
personal responsibility mean?
(07:18):
And then it's helping themdevelop those.
You know we call that funky,you know fun name that executive
functioning skills.
But you know, it sounds allimpressive when we say it but
really it's like teaching yourteam to communicate, teaching
them time management, teachingthem how to advocate for
themselves, how to ask for stuff, how to ask for help.
I mean, for some reason wedon't enjoy asking for help,
(07:40):
even as adults you know.
Think about it.
You know how often do we asksomeone for directions.
Or you know, and I know, wehave Google now, but when you're
completely lost, google's notworking, how many times do we
ask or ask where something is inthe store.
People walk up and down a storeand try it.
You know that we don't want toengage and ask, and so it's
teaching kids all thoseinterpersonal skills that have
(08:01):
kind of, you know, gone by thewayside, especially with social
media right, that's like a bigthing.
Speaker 4 (08:11):
Yeah, you're right, that is so.
That's very true, and I want todive a little bit more into
that.
But first I want to just get alittle bit more about your story
.
Now you have two daughters thatyou've raised, right, you're
also married.
So tell me a little bit like,did you ever feel like when you
were, while you were raisingyour daughters, did you ever
feel like a life coach at thatpoint in time?
Or is this something that youjust kind of, that you kind of
(08:32):
fell into, and so this is.
You know, I should be doingthis.
Speaker 1 (08:36):
Well, it kind of came from, you know, probably from
my parents, specifically my dad.
He was this amazing father andI adore him and I miss him every
day.
But he used to have these greatwords of wisdom that you know,
we say all the time.
But you know, when I'd want toargue with him, he would like
stop me and back then, you know,parents read the newspaper and
he would go when you're ready toelevate your conversation and
(08:57):
not your voice, I am so willingto have this conversation with
you.
And then he'd go back toreading the paper and I could
stand there and yell.
And he never yelled back.
He just kind of was like, oh,you can go.
But I learned very quickly.
But, wow, if I stop and I comewith an argument not, you know,
argumentative, but an argumentup to why I should get to go to
the sleepover, why I should haveget to stay out late, and I
(09:18):
presented it nine times out of10, I won.
It was kind of like now, here'smy reasoning, here's my
background, here's all theseother things that the
expectations of what you wantedme to do are done and I'm like,
wow, and I love that, because Isee so many parents kind of
spoon feeding their kids.
So as my kids got older, I'mlike I can either spoon feed
them or I really like that thingof how do I develop your skills
(09:41):
so that you can go out in theworld and be successful, so you
can advocate for yourself,because you know we're in the
workplace?
You can't yell at somebody toget your own way.
You need to go.
Hey, I deserve a raise, or hey,I deserve this, or hey, this
isn't working.
But you shouldn't be learningthat skill as an adult.
We should start teaching it ontheir teenagers.
So that was my big thing.
So my kids will tell you thatnow their big joke is don't
(10:04):
coach me, just parent me.
Sometimes, like they'll justlike, just tell me what to do,
because parents, they seeparents doing telling them what
to do.
And I'm always like, well, howdo you think that'll work out?
Well, what would be the logicalconsequences for that?
And helping them sort it out,and even as adults are like, oh,
could you just tell me theanswer, I'm like no, I really
can't.
I want you to figure it out.
Speaker 4 (10:24):
Oh wow, I love that.
I love that.
Do you ever find yourself kindof stuck in between the two of
what they want you to do,whether they want you to coach
or parent them?
Do you ever find yourselfstruggling between the two?
Speaker 1 (10:38):
Sometimes.
But you know what it's allabout that.
You know that love.
And I always tell people I havegirls.
So you know I, you know I can'trelate to boys, but I remember,
you know high school.
You know the breakups with theboyfriends, right?
Oh my gosh, you really want tobe that coach where you'd be,
where I wanted to say so, what'dyou learn during this process
and all this thing?
And at those moments you knowwhat.
I just got out the ice cream orthe chocolate chip cookies on
(10:59):
the couch and let them cry itout because that was their
experience.
I knew as a parent and as acoach.
And we all know, as a grownup,there's going to be many
breakups in your life, right,but in high school you're just
figuring out how to emotionallydeal with them.
So to tell your kid there'sother fish in the sea, I thought
that is such a mean comment.
It's a.
(11:23):
You look back on it, you gowell, okay, but it's really mean
because to them there is noother fish.
Speaker 4 (11:26):
This was the fish, the vain one, yeah.
Speaker 1 (11:28):
And yeah, there might be 30 million of them out there
, but this is the fish that Icaught.
And what do I do?
So I always tell parents it'sreally realizing, and I think me
as a parent that every time mykid came with an emotion that
was the first time they werefeeling it.
I might have felt it, but thisis their first moment.
So I always joke that I'm in itto win it.
(11:49):
And you know my kids go we'rein it to win it.
Right, I'm in it to win it.
That emotion, that anger, thatfrustration, you can throw the
book, you can rip up paper, I'mtotally in.
You can have those emotions arenormal.
We can talk about better waysto deal with them, but at the
time it was like I'm parentingand I'm like they've got to be
able to experience that.
I think sometimes as parents weforget that.
Speaker 4 (12:09):
Right, right.
Yeah, that's so awesome andthat's insight and revelation
for me too.
I mean, that's great insight.
Now, desiree, take me to lifebefore life coaching and what
you were doing.
Speaker 1 (12:27):
Life.
Before life coaching, I was acritical care nurse, so I worked
in critical care, so in the ICUand in nurse management.
That's what I did and I lovedit.
I loved the rush, it was theopportunity, because in ICU
you're kind of one-on-one withthe patient, one-on-one with the
family, and I like that.
I like that better than beingwith tons of other patients and
(12:48):
not getting to know the family.
To me, I kind of relished thatconnection, kind of in the same
way as I was going throughnursing school, paying for it, I
worked in nursing homes and Iloved being able to and I worked
night shifts.
So I always tell people I lovedthe old people that would wake
up early in the morning and havemorning coffee.
Although they weren't supposedto, I was totally the rule
(13:09):
breaker.
I'm like you want to havemorning coffee and watch TV
while I finish up my homework?
I am totally in.
But, just having that.
I love people connection.
I think that's always driven me.
I love connecting with people.
Speaker 4 (13:21):
Yeah, yeah and you can see that that really shines
through and that's why I can seehow easy the train well, maybe
it wasn't easy, but the trends,how you transitioned
effortlessly into coaching, itjust seems like you have a knack
for people Like.
You genuinely love people.
Speaker 1 (13:39):
I do, I really and I let you know what my whole thing
is when my kids were teens.
No one loves teens.
It seems they, you know,they're, they're, they're,
they're tough.
Right, they have moments.
They're trying to establishtheir own identity.
They want to make the own rules.
They want to have all thisfreedom, but they have no idea
how to use that freedom.
And they want all this stuff,but they still want you, as a
(14:01):
parent, to pay.
So it's kind of bringing it alltogether for them and giving
them freedom.
That's appropriate, but alsounderstanding for them to
understand.
When they're not doing it,there's consequences and there's
behavior.
That comes with all of that andit's tough.
Parenting a teen is tough, andparenting a teen today, in
today's world, where you're nownot only competing with the
(14:23):
parents around you, you're alsocompeting with social media,
that's really hard as a parent.
Speaker 4 (14:27):
Right.
Speaker 1 (14:28):
And a teen.
Speaker 4 (14:29):
Yeah, yeah, you're absolutely right about that, and
that's something I want to talkmore about.
Tell me about the actualtransition.
So when you knew that, okay, Iwant to go into life coaching
and this is something that Ifeel like I can do and really be
impactful in this space.
Speaker 1 (14:47):
So I think you know.
So we were in the military, wemoved around a lot and so we
were moving to duty stations.
I'm like I'm not going back towork.
My kids were getting a littleolder and it was kind of, you
know, I could work or I could beat home.
So I chose to be at home, butit was watching them struggle as
we moved from school to school,struggle with making friends,
struggle with asking for theclasses that they wanted,
(15:09):
struggling just to be, have that, you know, growing in
self-confidence, and I'm like,wow, this is crazy.
And so then I read everypsychology book.
I could get my hands oneverything about development,
even though, you know, I was anurse.
Unless you deal with it everyday, it's kind of hard.
So I read everything I couldand how to do it, and then I
just and so it was really forhelping my own two girls, you
(15:31):
know, thrive and survive inmilitary moves.
They went to, you know, threedifferent high schools each of
them so.
So in high school is tough,right, like everyone's kind of
clicky.
They don't want to let newpeople in.
So what do you do?
How do you help them?
So I could either, you know, bethe bull in the china shop, or
I could try and give them tools.
So that's really when thetransition started to come, when
(15:51):
we just started moving and theygot older and it wasn't so easy
, and I'm like how do I helpthem?
Speaker 4 (15:57):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (15:58):
You know, I need to be the parent that helps them be
the best version of themselvesand build self-confidence,
because you know at that stagethey get their self-confidence
from their peers.
But if you're leaving yourpeers every year, year and a
half, you're not getting itbecause you're kind of the
outsider every time.
So that's really what it was ishow to be confident despite not
(16:20):
having that peer group.
Speaker 4 (16:22):
Yeah, wow, I love that.
And you saying that and kind ofsharing your journey reminds me
of something that I was toldthat sometimes what you're meant
to do is not you don't find it,but it finds you, you know, and
it seems like that's whathappened with you.
It just kind of coaching foundyou.
You know, in that, during thattransition, did you feel like
(16:43):
that?
I did you know?
Speaker 1 (16:43):
it just felt like it.
It came, you know, in that,during that transition, did you
feel like that?
I did, you know it just feltlike it.
It came, you know, afterreading all the books and
staying up late at night andthen trying some different
things with my kids and theywere kind of guinea pigs.
For you know how do Icommunicate this to you, how do
I share this with you?
And because it was like pullingout the books, right, I you
know one.
You know big Stephen Coveypeople.
I love Stephen Covey people.
(17:08):
I love Stephen Covey.
You know his seven habits.
How do we create win-wins?
And I, you know trying to tell.
So, trying to tell a teenager,how do you create?
Speaker 4 (17:12):
a win-win situation is a little they're like I don't
know Right.
Speaker 1 (17:13):
So it was trying to be like oh well, let me break it
down, how do you make it?
So you kind of get what youwant and the other, you know, it
was really breaking it down andhaving that.
So they were kind of my guineapigs on communication, so.
But I, yeah, it was kind of acalling and I started doing it
with other kids in the military,other spouses and other people
like, hey, can you help my teen?
(17:34):
I'm like, oh my gosh, yes, andI didn't really realize, wow,
it's not just my kids.
Speaker 4 (17:38):
Right, yeah, yeah.
And I think I think a lot ofparents when they realize that
it's not, that you're just notlike in this silo, like it's
other families going through thesame thing, it's like an
epiphany, you know.
Speaker 1 (17:53):
It is.
It's a huge epiphany.
And you're right, it's not just.
You know, my kids military kidsit makes it a little tougher
because they're moving.
But even kids just dynamicallychange, right, you know, you
change from your freshman toyour sophomore to your junior
year.
You're changing, you're growing, and if all of a sudden you're
not liking what the cool thingis, then you're kind of outcast,
(18:14):
right.
So how do you?
You want to make sure we'rebuilding their confidence
despite that, because at everypoint in some kids' life and I
tell parents this at some pointyour kid's going to be the
outsider.
It doesn't matter.
I mean, you can be the it girl,then all of a sudden you're the
not it girl.
You can be the coolest guy inschool, and then all of a sudden
you're not the coolest guy andfrom.
(18:40):
However that happens, you know.
usually, generally now it'ssocial media, but you know,
something happens.
So how do you make sure thatthey're confident in themselves
and that we reassure them thatthey are amazing, wonderful
teenagers, so that when thathappens, they're not having you
know the huge crisis that we'rekind of starting to see a little
too much of in teenagers lately?
Speaker 4 (19:05):
Yeah, yep, absolutely , and you're starting to see a
lot of dynamics are changing,which leads me into my next
question.
Speaker 1 (19:07):
So officially, how long would you say you've been
doing life coaching for teens?
Officially five years.
It's been a business.
Speaker 4 (19:10):
Okay, Okay.
So what have you seen changeover the course of that time?
Within teenagers notnecessarily the business, but
within teenagers.
Speaker 1 (19:21):
I think, um, overall, I see them.
I see a lot, a lot of lack ofself-confidence, a lot of
wanting to really belong, andnot belong so much in their peer
group but belong in the socialmedia world.
So you know, there's that fearof being, you know the fear of
missing out, right.
But now there's this big fearof being left out, right.
(19:42):
If you're not seen or you'renot liking something on social
media, or you're not, if youdon't have your picture taken
with an Instagram selfie withthe right people at the right
party, you're kind of in the outgroup and I'm like that's so
sad.
So I feel like there's a lotgoing on.
And I know we just came outwith the National Institute of
Health just recently came outwith social media is an epidemic
(20:04):
, it's not a good thing forteens and we need to figure out
how to regulate it.
And I'm like an epidemic, it'snot a good thing for teens and
we need to figure out how toregulate it.
And I'm like that's like aPandora's box, because I'm not
sure how you regulate it,because now is that government
stepping, it's overstepping, oror is that a parenting thing?
And I think it comes back toparenting.
Speaker 4 (20:22):
Please welcome Jason A Dixon.
Everybody in here has a talentand you have a gift and you were
given that gift so that you cango change the world.
There's a world out herewaiting for you.
Speaker 2 (20:42):
There's a world out here that needs your talent,
from a struggling team to afirst-generation college
graduate.
Coach Jason is one of today'srising youth motivational
speakers for middle school, highschool and college students,
equipped with passion and theunique ability to create a
heartfelt connection, hisempowering message of hope and
resilience drives lasting changeand resonates with audiences on
(21:03):
multiple levels.
If your school organization orevent is looking for a dynamic
speaker to inspire, motivate andhelp increase student success,
book Coach Jason today.
Speaker 4 (21:21):
There's so much that again, parents have to worry
about and deal with.
So when you obviously I knowyou focus on teens, but do you
find yourself coaching theparents just as much as the
teens, or even more so?
Speaker 1 (21:36):
You know it's both.
So I do the teens and I doparents about communication and
I do parent talks and every oncein a while, when I get to do
the parent talks, we talk aboutsocial media and it really comes
back to parents kind of assumekids should know how to behave
on social media, which is kindof odd to me, because I think we
need to be teaching values.
(21:56):
We need to be teaching what'simportant to us as a family, so
you and what you know what myvalues are as a parent, what do
I value, what's important to me.
And then we need to be rolemodeling.
Kids learn the most by rolemodeling.
So if you sit there on yourphone, they're going to sit
there on the phone.
If you say to your partner,significant other oh my gosh,
(22:17):
look at this funny video, lookat this Karen at the airport
picking up, throwing this thingacross the airport and not
getting on her flight, orpulling the fire alarms in the
airport, and you're laughing andthinking that's funny.
Well, now you're a teenager oreven younger, especially younger
kids, who are really trying tofigure it out.
They're like my mom thinksthat's funny, that's normal
(22:37):
behavior, I should try somethingsimilar.
And so then you're like whoa.
So I always tell parents youneed to spend some time
reflecting on what you're sayingabout social media when you're
watching it, what you'rewatching on social media,
talking about it.
At a much earlier age I saidyou need to be engaged with who
are you following on TikTok?
Like ask your kid, what arethey doing on TikTok?
(22:58):
Who's your favorite YouTuber?
And they're like wow.
And I'm like you want to know,because if they're showing them
stuff that you don't want themto be seeing, then you need to
have a conversation.
Because if they're showing themstuff that you don't want them
to be seeing, then you need tohave a conversation.
Because if you're not having aconversation, they're finding it
on the Internet.
Information on the Internet isnot accurate.
Speaker 4 (23:18):
Yeah, yeah, you're right, you're right.
I always say, if you're nottelling them what needs to be
told, then somebody else is, youknow.
So you're right.
Speaker 1 (23:27):
Exactly, especially values, and I think it needs to
start young.
It needs to, you know, it needsto start very young, and I
think parents need to take astep back and decide when should
their kids have a phone?
It's getting younger andyounger, not older and older.
Speaker 4 (23:42):
Right, yeah, you're right, absolutely.
And, and, and I have a threeyear old niece and just to see
how smart and savvy she is andhow she picks up on things, you
know, again, I feel like socialmedia can be a blessing and a
curse.
I think that's part of it.
They have access to all thisinformation, but then it's like
(24:02):
you said how accurate isinformation and what are they
learning when they look at it?
Speaker 1 (24:07):
Right, and what are they going to turn around to say
to you that you're?
And then you're like whoa, likethat is way nothing that we
believe as a family, or wheredid you get that information?
Cause I'm not sure that'sreally the truth, or you know,
and I think for the other thingis, is that whole instant
gratification, tiktok, and thoseare such tiny soundbites and
(24:30):
their minds start to whirl?
I'm like I really think and Istress this so much with teens,
with my kids, take the time toread a book, I don't care what
book it is.
That's my big thing, my bigmessage at the end of the school
year do a book club with yourteen over the summer, I don't
care, I read't care, I read.
You know all kinds.
I read Harry Potter on my kids,really, you know tweens and
(24:52):
stuff, cause that was reallypopular.
I was totally into readingHarry Potter and then watching
the movies and having adiscussion, but them reading
Harry Potter was the fact thatthey were reading it, and then I
read it and then whatever elsedivergent, insurgent, like all
these very girly veronica rothbooks, and I was like I'm in it
to win it with them, right?
You know, my husband and I, wewould read them, we would talk
(25:13):
about them, but it calmed themdown.
It was like that time that theykind of decompressed and they
read.
There was nothing that wasstimulating, it was their
imagination, them, them readinga book.
And I tell parents you have noidea how valuable that is, even
if they start to daydream on thebook and it doesn't matter,
it's just their downtime.
Speaker 4 (25:34):
Right, yeah, I love that.
I just love the approach thatyou take when it comes to
guiding and coaching not justteens, but parents as well.
I want to ask you about this.
So I had a chance to do a talkto some teens who were present
for a business camp and Iintroduced them to a word that I
(25:56):
knew nobody in the room wouldknow about.
It's called ephebophobia, whichI don't know if you've ever
heard of it.
It's the fear of teens, likeliterally the fear of teens, and
you alluded to it earlier abouthow the perception that people
have of teenagers, and so I wantto ask you just to kind of
(26:16):
maybe coach the listeners whomay stumble upon the podcast or
listen to the podcast.
What are some ways that people,adults, especially people who
may have this negativeperception of teenagers what are
some ways to engage teenagers,to talk to teenagers, to
befriend teenagers and notalways have like this oh,
(26:38):
they're going to stir up troubleor do something bad.
What are some ways people cando that and engage in a positive
way?
Speaker 1 (26:47):
I think it's just talking to them, taking a moment
.
You know if they're in front ofyou in the grocery store,
because teens don't want to talkto adults, right, you're.
You know they're in front of mein the grocery store buying
stuff, and I don't know they'rebuying.
They could be buying a crazychocolate bar that you've never
heard of, right, or a bag ofchips, or look at you and go oh
(27:08):
yeah, it's my favorite one.
You don't have to have any moreof a conversation, but now
you've just created that thingwhere that teenager goes.
Wow, all adults aren't bad.
That person just asked me thisreally cool question about my
chocolate bar.
If you have teenagers that arein your family and you see them,
ask them what's next, ask themwhat's exciting in their life,
don't go.
(27:28):
You know the whole thing.
You know what are you going todo with your life.
You know what?
Yeah, that that's like.
You know that you're waitingfor that sarcastic answer to
come out of a teenager, right?
What are you going to do withyour life?
Well, you know.
And then this comes right, Ithink I was probably the
sarcastic teenager when someoneasked me that.
But ask them what's interestingto them.
(27:50):
Go.
Hey, you know what is yourfavorite.
You know what are you watchingon TikTok?
What's your favorite YouTuber?
What's your favorite movie?
If they're a gamer, what gameare you playing right now?
Hey, I don't really know a lotabout that game.
Can you tell me about it?
What level are you at?
Speaker 4 (28:03):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (28:04):
To share some information with you.
And then, all of a sudden, youknow you can have those things
because you can even laugh andgo.
Oh, you know what?
I remember when Atari came outwith their first one, before you
know.
I remember, you know when itwas, you know the first version
of this game.
And then you're laughing andtalking, right, and now you're
connecting with them and you'renot.
You're not preaching to them.
I think that's the thing.
Teenagers don't want adults togo.
(28:25):
So do you have a summer job?
Speaker 2 (28:27):
Yes.
Speaker 1 (28:27):
Or are you volunteering?
You know they get that atschool.
They get that at school.
All of that pressure comes inthere.
So when you want to have arelationship and talk to teens,
make it something that they'refocused on.
That's our responsibility, Itell people, as an adult, is for
us to stand above, rise aboveand engage that teenager and
bring them around.
If you can start talking tothem about stuff that interests
(28:54):
them, if they, you know, if theylike cooking, ask them.
You know what's, you knowwhat's the last thing you cook,
you know.
Ask them what they want to do.
If they go, hey, I really, Ireally enjoy playing volleyball
in high school.
Go, oh my gosh, you know Iplayed volleyball in high school
, but yeah, I think I, you know,ran into the net more times
than I could jump.
Like you can say whatever,right.
And then they're going to saysomething and they're going to
go, oh, I play this and that,and then you can see them on
fire.
It's kind of like if you talkto an adult, right, and you've
(29:17):
never met an adult, and you'reat some function and you're
going to go meet them.
If you say to the adult, hey,so what do you do for a living,
and you say, oh, I life coach.
Well, now it's kind of theperson's like help me out, give
me a little more information.
But if you went up to someoneat a mixer and you said, hey, I
really like your shirt, whatdoes that logo stand for?
(29:37):
And then you go, oh, the logois this.
And now I got you.
Now we're engaging and talkingright.
Speaker 4 (29:42):
Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1 (29:44):
And I brought you, I hooked you on something that's
interesting to you.
Speaker 4 (29:48):
Yeah, wow, I love that.
I love that so much.
Essentially, what you're sayingis you're humanizing these
teenagers, right?
Yes, they're human beings and Ithink so often I think it goes
both ways.
Like the dichotomy is howadults look at teens and how
teens look at adults, right, butI love what you said because
(30:08):
it's simply you're justhumanizing the teenagers and
talking to them like a person.
You're getting to know theirinterests.
I love that.
Speaker 1 (30:20):
Right, because you think about when you go and talk
to teens.
You're talking to them at theirlevel.
You don't go in when you'respeaking to teens and go, so
everyone has a piece of paper infront of them.
I want you to write down whereyou expect to be in 10 years
from now.
I want you to tell me howyou're going to get there.
They're going to be likewhere's my phone?
I want to start texting, right,but when you talk about stuff
that's engaging to them, all ofa sudden they're going to start
hey, I got a question.
Hey, let me yell something back.
(30:40):
Not yell, but I want to engagein this and the dynamic shifts.
So meet them where they're at,because they want to share stuff
with you.
Right, they, they want, youknow they're coming into that
realm of they're moving fromthat little kid world where they
would say the most bizarrethings when they're little kids,
and you're like okay, andyou're trying to figure out how
(31:02):
to respond as a parent.
You know, when yourtwo-year-old decides that they
don't want to wear their dressin the middle of the store, and
they're like so I'm taking mydress off, and you're like yeah
okay, you know having thesebigger conversations where all
of a sudden you have a teenagertell you that hey, so I saw this
thing on Instagram aboutwhatever it is.
That's what's on their mind.
(31:22):
So go wow, how did that makeyou feel?
What are you thinking aboutthat?
And then you know hopefully youhave some knowledge, or you can
go as an adult.
Wow, I didn't even know thatwas out there.
I really need to do someresearch.
Can you give me moreinformation Like how?
How do we connect on this?
Speaker 4 (31:36):
Right you know.
Speaker 1 (31:38):
And now you're right.
You've humanized them andyou've made them feel valuable.
You've boosted theirself-confidence, self-esteem,
and that's our role as role asadults in the community as a
whole, not just parents, but asa whole.
Speaker 4 (31:50):
Yeah, yeah, you're right, I love that.
And the thing I get a lot whenI talk to teenagers is I don't
want people to talk at me.
You know, how can we have aconversation, how can we
dialogue back and forth?
And I get that and it alwaysresonates with me and, again, I
think that's what you're hittingon it's not talking at these
(32:11):
teenagers, but having aconversation, finding out their
interests, you know.
So I love that, just thesimplicity of what you said.
Speaker 1 (32:19):
Exactly Because we don't talk at each other, we
talk to each other.
You know, one person talks, oneperson listens.
That's what we do as adults,that's what teenagers want, and
we need to role model that forthem.
Right, we need to go?
Hey, because then you know whatthe teenager is going to ask
you some bizarre question, right?
Like you know, they'll ask yousomething about so and they
(32:39):
think you know we're way olderthan we look, right?
They're like oh you must bereally old, you know, were you
alive before the internet?
And then you want to say, well,yeah, kind of most of us were,
but yeah, you're kind of.
It was in its infant stages.
America online was a thing whenI was.
You know growing, you knowgrowing up laughing right Cause
they're like, oh my gosh, that'sfunny.
(33:01):
And now, now you've kind of gotthis thing going right where
you're like sharing aboutyourself and you're right, right
, we're humanizing them andwe're creating connection.
And you know, as human beings,that's what we wanted since the
dawn of time.
You know we were in tribes.
You know, as a caveman, welived in packs, we lived in
tribes for survival.
That hasn't changed.
It just looks a littledifferent we all want to be
(33:21):
accepted and loved and respectedand encouraged yeah, you're
right.
Speaker 4 (33:25):
You're absolutely, absolutely right.
So, desiree, I want to bring itback around to you and even as
I've learned more about coaching, life coaching and done more
training, there's this thingwhere you talk about imposter
syndrome, right?
So I want to talk to you aboutthis.
As a coach, has there ever beenmoments where you doubted
yourself or you felt like, oh,my coaching is not effective,
(33:49):
like I don't know if this is forme.
Has there ever been momentslike that?
Speaker 1 (33:53):
Yeah, I think when I first started, but I think as
time has gone by I feel like youknow I do a great job.
I guess my wage that I'verealized that I don't have that
imposter syndrome is familiesthat have multiple kids.
I get one kid, then a few yearslater I'll get the next kid.
Then a few years later I get thethird one coming on and I
(34:15):
actually just today had thatcall from one of the parents,
actually called me up and she'slike and I'm answering the phone
, I'm like hi.
And she's like so our baby isstarting high school, so we're
calling you now.
So how are you?
It's been three years and I'mlike I am amazing, I thought
they were phoning.
I'm like, wow, why are theycalling?
You're like oh well, the othertwo are doing so great One's in
(34:40):
med school that you know liketheir kids are doing great.
She goes.
But now we have the baby andnow you're it, you're on deck
again and I'm like to me that'skind of like this huge
validation that what I'm doingis making a difference.
Speaker 4 (34:49):
Yeah, that's awesome.
I love that.
I love that you have ways whereyou can measure your own
success.
I love that.
So tell me about the people,either when you're growing up,
even right now, like people whohave inspired you.
I know you talked a little bitabout your dad and how he guided
you and parented you growing up, but who are some other people
(35:12):
that have inspired you or had abig impact on your life?
Speaker 1 (35:18):
So you know, I, you know I always tell people this I
love Martin Luther King, Iloved him.
I loved you know, justeverything he did and how he
spoke.
And it wasn't about being angry, it was about affecting change.
And if you read some of hisspeeches right, some people I
think people take little youknow snippets of his, of his
speeches and they distort it.
(35:38):
But if you listen to them allit's about peaceful change.
It's about education.
Nelson Mandela I loved him inapartheid.
I got to go to South Africayears ago and go to the district
where they, you know, did allthe bulldozing and moved people,
and how he sat in jail for allthose years.
And you know, ended up winningthe Nobel priest prize, and the
fact that you know his.
(35:59):
You know when you read abouthim he started out being this
very angry young person andbecame this amazing piece you
know person brokering piece Idon't even know I won't be a
peacemaker and not just what hedid and how he did it, I love
that.
I love Thomas Edison forinventing the light bulb,
because he did.
(36:19):
He never gave up hisperseverance.
It took a thousand times tillthe light bulb you became a
thing Right and I was right.
He just kept failing.
Yeah, and I'm like I think Imight've given up after the 10th
or 11th.
You know what, screw it.
I'm not going to be known formaking a light bulb, and
thousands of you know, athousand years from now, I'm
(36:39):
totally done.
You know I'm good, I'm going todo something else, but he
didn't, right.
Speaker 4 (36:46):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (36:47):
Like I'm going to try this, I'm going to try that.
So it was like basically athousand times.
And then he did the light bulb.
I'm like wow, wow, damn.
I really would have quit afterabout the 10th time.
I would have been like I'mdoing, sent mouse.
Speaker 4 (37:00):
Yeah, just continue to try Resilience.
Speaker 1 (37:03):
Yes, and I talk about that with kids.
I'm like that's prettyimpressive to try something that
many times.
Yeah, yeah you know that ideathat I got this, I can do this.
So I like talking about that.
I like talking about peoplethat you know kind of
self-reflect, you know, likeNelson Mandela, martin Luther
King, and just what they did tochange you know, to change
(37:26):
everything.
And I think maybe they're justbigger role models, because I
didn't grow up in the UnitedStates, I grew up in Canada.
So for us you know verydifferent culture, very more you
know, I don't know, laid back.
We didn't have.
You know the whole, you knowthe whole division and
everything.
So to me it was like, wow, youactually have to talk about that
stuff, but just how you know,when you studied it and we
looked at it in school, we'relike, wow, that's amazing.
Speaker 4 (37:49):
Right.
Speaker 1 (37:49):
Just having that.
You know, I had no idea about.
You know the whole division inthe United States that was kind
of like very foreign Cause, soit was like so people like that
Nelson Mandela and just seeingwhat he could do.
And you know my dad was nativeIndian, so we saw some of that
whole.
You know a bit of racism, youknow, even growing up in Canada,
but it was always his patients,right, his patients.
(38:11):
When people you know would makefun of them or make fun of how
he talked or how he looked, itwas always grace.
And I think having that ispowerful in your life, having
people that teach you grace,teach you that you can't fix it
with violence, you can't fix itwith anger, and I love to tell
kids that I'm like.
But those are real emotions,you're allowed to have them.
(38:32):
It's just what do you channelit to do?
Speaker 3 (38:35):
How do?
Speaker 1 (38:35):
you channel your behavior?
How do you channel everything?
I love people like MichaelPhelps for swimming and then
kind of falling apart there witha little bit of the smoking of
the weed and kind of owning itand saying, yeah, I made some
bad choices because we all do,but I love that he owned it.
I love that he's like we allmake bad choices and it's okay.
It doesn't mean I'm a badperson.
(38:57):
Yeah, it's really powerful to beable to have someone that kids
look up to to say stuff likethat.
And I mean, you know, right nowwe could look at Taylor Swift.
She's like the modern day iconright now with what she's able
to do.
I'm like, wow, that's good.
Bad of what you think about her.
I'm like, wow, she is.
What she can do is amazing,what she can.
(39:18):
You know what her fans aredoing, like her loyalty and how.
You know I always talk aboutthese fans that have loyalty.
So you need to have loyalty toyour family.
You need to have loyalty toyour own beliefs and values and
it's great when you could kindof show teens where it fits in
their life.
You know you might hate her,you might love her, but wow,
(39:39):
what she has done for you know,creating brand loyalty, that's
how we need to be with eachother, and kids are like oh, I
get, like they can get it.
Whether they agree with it,they can connect with it.
Speaker 4 (39:46):
Right, yeah.
And again, it's like when yousay meeting them where they are
and something they can relate to, like you said, whether or not
you like Taylor Swift, whetheryou're a Swiftie or not, you
have to appreciate you know thewords, the hustle, the grind,
that you know all the thingsthat she's accomplished.
I mean, I love that.
And even with your example,michael Phelps, I think it's
(40:07):
important for young people,teenagers, really to see the
rise and fall and just howpeople persevere and overcome
different obstacles, because I'msure you deal with it as well
with teenagers they do teenagerthings.
Speaker 1 (40:22):
They do.
I tell every parent a teenageris one decision from a bad
outcome.
They are one decision from abad outcome and you know what,
as long as it's not so bad thatthey can't, they can recover
from anything, as long as youlove them right.
They fail a test.
Okay, it's a bad day, it's nota bad life, it's.
You know.
(40:42):
They fail the test, theyalready feel bad.
So the conversation is wow,what's next?
How are you going to fix this?
How, how do you move forwardfrom there?
Not like you're never going tocollege, you're going to be this
or that, but none of thosethings transpire.
Right, it was one decision Iwanted to go out with my friends
and not study.
Or I decided to take adifferent road home and I
(41:05):
rear-ended somebody, but we allwalked out of it.
And now there's some damage tosome cars.
Okay, you know like there's baddecisions.
You know, as long as they'renot catastrophic, you can back
it up.
And that's what the teenageyears are about.
And I tell parents that I'm likemy kids were not not perfect.
There was, you know, lots of.
You know.
You know mistakes.
(41:26):
All of them were right now andI'm not really sure I mean I can
honestly say my daughter got inone of the car accidents and I
and her car was a write-off andI remember picking her up and
going, yeah, we're just going todrive home Like I can.
(41:50):
Even I'm like I, I and she'slike are you mad?
I said, well, I'm mad that yougot in the car accident.
I'm thankful that you're okay.
But I really can't talk aboutit right now because I don't
have the words and your dad andI need to talk, and I don't have
the words of what to say to you, because what I need to say to
you needs to be well thought outand I'm like, wow, I was like I
(42:13):
was really proud of myselfbecause I was so damn mad.
Speaker 4 (42:17):
You coached yourself through that situation.
Speaker 1 (42:20):
And I can talk to you for just listening to music
right now, because I don't knowwhat to say, because I did.
I wanted to yell at her and askher how, but I'm like you know
what?
How could you do that she'sgoing to go?
Speaker 4 (42:31):
I don't know, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1 (42:34):
And I could either build a relationship, destroy
the relationship.
So like I'm not going to talkabout it until I can kind of
come to terms with my ownemotions, and I think sometimes
we forget that as parents.
You know, I always tell parentsyou never have to discipline
your kid unless it's a lifethreatening event or you have to
grab them and fix somethingbecause their life is in danger.
(42:54):
You never have to disciplineyour kid at that moment and I
would say it has to be a logicalconsequence and you never.
You have to say, as a parent, Ineed to think about this.
This, this is throwing me, Ineed to think about it.
We need to come back to ittomorrow.
We need to come back to it, youknow, after we come home from
you know your sister's soccergame.
I I don't want to have thisconversation now when I don't
(43:17):
have control of my emotions.
Speaker 4 (43:18):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (43:19):
What a huge thing to teach your teenager about coming
getting your own emotions undercontrol.
You're not yelling at them,you're not doing anything
violent, you know not that wewould, but you're not throwing
something or you know whatever.
It is right.
You know you're like myemotions are all over the place.
I need to get me in check.
Speaker 4 (43:44):
And then we can have what, how powerful for your team
, like what a role modelingopportunity.
Right, that's true, and it'sevidence just as you've talked
about your own journey,especially as a parent how
you've modeled that for yourkids throughout their maturation
and growth as from teens intoadults.
Now I love it.
I love it.
So I want to ask you a couplemore questions.
So I would be remiss if Ididn't give you an opportunity
(44:06):
to talk a little bit more abouthow people can reach you, how
they can get involved in yourcoaching.
And because you shared so muchagain, I feel like you've
coached the audience and you'vecoached listeners and even me
throughout this process.
So how can people reach you?
How can people get a hold ofyou and learn more about your
(44:26):
coaching practice?
Speaker 1 (44:28):
So I have a website and it's Encouraging Teens, so
it's super easy.
And also my Instagram is alsoEncouraging Teens and I do some
TikToks, which are little shortlittle things because everyone
should some TikToks, which are,you know, little short little
things because everyone shoulddo TikToks.
And I have and I do, and I haveFacebook and I have LinkedIn
and it's all encouraging teensand that way people can find me
(44:50):
and I, you know, I love peoplethat you know are on Instagram
following me or they sign up.
I have a monthly newsletter onmy website with encouraging
teens and you can also book afree call with me, because
sometimes, as a parent, you justwant to talk to somebody and
say is this normal?
And then when I go, it isnormal and they're like how Okay
, because maybe your teendoesn't need coaching, maybe you
(45:12):
, as a parent don't needcoaching, or maybe we just need
to sit down for one day and yougo I have no communication
skills to connect with my teen,and so we meet for an hour.
I am not that coach that saysyou have to buy this 12-week
package or this six-monthpackage.
I want to meet your teen wherethey're at, but I also want to
meet parents where they're atand give them the tools to be
(45:34):
successful sooner than later.
I don't want to dig up, know,dig up, you know.
All kinds of stuff.
I want to be like okay, this iswhere you're at, these are the
tools you want.
How do we find those tools?
You know, I'm not a I'm not atherapist, so I'm not into
cognitive behavioral therapy anddigging in their past.
I want to go forward whenthey're going no-transcript.
Speaker 4 (46:25):
Maybe there's some parents out there, some teachers
, coaches, who are struggling toget through to their young
people, their teenagers, andthey're at their wits end.
They're ready to give up.
What's your message to keepthem going?
Speaker 1 (46:41):
You know what Silence is really powerful with
teenagers, which sounds really,really counterintuitive.
As a parent, as a teacher, asanyone trying to connect with
them.
You know what?
If they're watching TV, it'ssitting there and not even
talking to them.
Presence for teenagers is huge.
So I tell parents, when allelse fails and you feel you're
not connecting your buttingheads, when your teenager's
(47:03):
lying in bed, go in there andit's a simple hey, I love you.
And just sit on the edge of thebed for a couple of minutes and
just be present.
You don't have to say anythingelse, don't feel like you have
to fill that space.
If you're a teacher and you'restruggling to connect with kids
that are, you know, just pushingevery button, think you know
(47:23):
summer's a relief time for you,but during the school year
sometimes you know what.
Those kids just want someone tobe present.
So just.
You don't even have to talk tothem and say you know, same with
anyone trying to connect with ateen.
Sometimes presence is presenceis powerful, just sitting in the
same room with them.
So start easy, give yourselfgrace and letting them know that
you are there, because youcould be sitting next to a teen
(47:44):
and all of a sudden they can goyou know what this sucked.
And then you're like, wow, well, where did that come from?
And go yeah, yeah, you want totalk about it.
You know, don't be like, oh mydon't, don't dig into it.
Go, yeah, that sounds prettytough.
You want to talk about it?
They go nope, just continuewatching the show, because maybe
tomorrow or the next daythey'll give you a little more
(48:05):
info.
But let them do it on theirtime.
But presence is huge for teens,like anyone.
Speaker 4 (48:11):
Yeah, well, I love that.
I love that Desiree.
That is so awesome.
I love that message and it evenhelped me as a coach, as a
speaker, as someone who workswith teens.
I love that message and again,I just want to thank you and
appreciate you for joining thepodcast and for your patience
and modeling the grace andpatience that you always talk
(48:33):
about.
I really appreciate you.
Speaker 1 (48:35):
Thank you for having me.
This was great.
Thank you so much appreciateyou.
Speaker 4 (48:41):
Thank you for having me.
This was great.
Thank you so much.
Speaker 3 (48:46):
It is time to realize your potential, unlock your
passion and graduate to greater.
Thank you for tuning into thisepisode of the Mic'd Up and
Motivated Podcast brought to youby Inspire to Reach Higher, the
youth motivational speakingcompany for students, parents
and educators.
So Outro, Music.
I tell every parent a teenager is one decision from a
bad outcome.
They are one decision from abad outcome.
And you know what, as long asit's not so bad that they can't,
they can recover from anything,as long as you love them right.
They fail a test.
Okay, it's a bad day, it's nota bad life, it's you know.
They failed a test.
(00:20):
They already feel bad.
So the conversation is wow,what's next?
How are you going to fix this?
How do you move forward fromthere?
Not like you're never going tocollege, you're going to be this
or that.
None of those things transpire.
Speaker 3 (00:36):
Welcome to the Mic'd Up and Motivated podcast, where
we interview passionateprofessionals who empower young
people, impact lives and createpositive change in schools,
organizations and communities.
Speaker 4 (00:51):
Motivated, motivated, motivated, motivated, motivated
(01:16):
, motivated, motivated,motivated podcast.
(01:40):
Welcome to the Mic'd Up andMotivated podcast.
I'm your host, jason A Dixon,and in this episode I interview
Desiree Panaleo, who is a teenand parent life coach.
Her holistic approach bringsclarity, direction and positive
support to both teens andparents.
Desiree helps teens discoverand create a pathway to a clear
(02:02):
and focused future.
For parents, navigating theteen years and creating
connections with your teen ischallenging, and Desiree helps
parents to fill that space andbuild a relationship.
By identifying where growth isdesired, setting goals and
objectives and holdingaccountability, clients will
reach their highest goals anddreams.
(02:23):
We all have a light within usand Desiree believes it is
important to have it shine.
I just want to start off bypublicly thanking you and just
acknowledging how patient you'vebeen during this whole process.
I know it's been a while I'vebeen trying to get you on the
podcast, so I just want to thankyou publicly for just all your
(02:43):
patience and just being preparedand being ready for today.
Speaker 1 (02:49):
Well, thank you.
You know what Part of beingpatient is?
Just part of who I am.
I try to be patient.
I do lose my patience becausenone of us are perfect, but I
try to be patient and give grace.
So, yes, thank you.
Speaker 4 (02:59):
Thank you, Thank you again and again.
Throughout this process I'vekind of had a chance to get to
know you a little bit and seewhy you're so effective as a
teen and parent life coach.
You've coached me through thisprocess of us just even getting
this podcast up and going, soI've had a chance to see it up
close and personal.
Have you always been that way?
Speaker 1 (03:22):
I'm patient and full of grace?
I don't know.
I would think in my youngeryears absolutely not.
I think if you were to ask myparents, they'd tell you I was
like any other teenager.
I wanted it now.
I wanted it right away.
But during my growing up andchanging I always wanted to help
people.
So I became a nurse.
That was my big ambition when Iwas a kid.
(03:43):
I want to be a nurse and Ithink having that opportunity to
go into nursing it really stopsyou, although it's incredibly
fast-paced, but it also stopsyou to realize that people need
patience, people need grace.
So I have worked on that.
Do you think that I've lost mytemper and lost my cool Many
times?
But I really try to check itand say is this the hill I want
(04:04):
to die on?
Is this what I want to do?
And kind of the big thing is Iwent through life and I
journeyed.
That moment when you lose it oryou get really angry or you
blow up, that's what peopleremember about you forever.
They don't ever remember howmuch kindness you show them.
Afterwards.
They remember that moment, thatmost negative moment.
(04:24):
I mean.
Think about anything you do inlife.
If someone does somethingamazing for you like you go to a
restaurant and you have thebest service, you might tip your
waitress nicely, but it's notlike you go home and write this
amazing review about them, right?
You just kind of move on.
But if you went to that samerestaurant and it was awful, you
would be on Google giving thema one-star review, right?
Yeah?
Speaker 4 (04:43):
that's true.
That's very true.
You're right about that.
How do you explain that?
Because you're right about that.
Speaker 1 (04:51):
It's just, you know people.
I think we just like to do that.
I think when we complain, wefeel that we're going to get
something or that we make itmiserable for anyone, instead of
kind of giving the grace thatone, maybe they're having a bad
day.
I are both for anyone.
Instead of kind of giving thegrace that one, maybe they're
having a bad day, I always tryto think about if something's
going bad, hopefully it'sbecause they're having a bad day
and hopefully that if I washaving that bad of a day,
(05:12):
someone would give me that grace.
Speaker 4 (05:14):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (05:15):
Kind of step back.
I mean, there's always timeswhen you know it's gone, you've
kind of given that grace, andthen you're like then they kind
of hit my line in the sand,where then I'm like now I'm
going to have to get angry, andI usually preface it with now
I'm not going to be nice, nowI'm disappointed.
And then usually they're likewow, okay, cause they know that
you've tried to kind of meetthem where they're at.
Speaker 4 (05:36):
Right, right, no, again, again.
You just sound like a lifecoach.
It just flows out of you.
So I want to ask you is thissomeone who who's, I'll say,
dabbled in life coaching as well, with teens and life, uh, uh,
teens?
I get the reaction a lot oftimes well, you know, wow,
that's amazing, but also like,so what does that entail?
(05:58):
So I'll ask you this as aprofessional life coach for
teens and young what does thatmean?
What does life coaching entail?
Like, how would you summarizeit in your own words?
Speaker 1 (06:12):
So, you know, it's kind of like I tell parents when
I get to talk to them, youalways wonder as a parent if
you're doing the right thing andif you're being a good parent.
And that's what I wondered,right?
And we get teenagers and you'rereally wondering, right,
because there's that eye rolling, the frustration that your
teen's trying to kind ofdisengage from you and kind of
become their own person, right?
So a teen life coach, my bigthing is to help the teen have
(06:34):
that, have that independence andnot having mom and dad kind of
breathing down their neck anddriving their path, letting them
learn that personalresponsibility and personal
accountability.
Because for even me as a parent, it was really hard to like let
go.
You want to kind of hold on,you want to make sure your kid
makes the right steps, does theright thing, does their homework
, but at some point you got tostep back as a parent and go if
(06:57):
they don't do something.
They are going to learn so muchfrom this experience and that's
really where I came into it asa parent.
I saw parents you know we callthem helicopter parenting we
have them doing all this otherstuff.
I don't think it helps.
So teen life coaching is reallyabout helping kids figure out
what is their pathway to success.
What does personalaccountability mean, what does
personal responsibility mean?
(07:18):
And then it's helping themdevelop those.
You know we call that funky,you know fun name that executive
functioning skills.
But you know, it sounds allimpressive when we say it but
really it's like teaching yourteam to communicate, teaching
them time management, teachingthem how to advocate for
themselves, how to ask for stuff, how to ask for help.
I mean, for some reason wedon't enjoy asking for help,
(07:40):
even as adults you know.
Think about it.
You know how often do we asksomeone for directions.
Or you know, and I know, wehave Google now, but when you're
completely lost, google's notworking, how many times do we
ask or ask where something is inthe store.
People walk up and down a storeand try it.
You know that we don't want toengage and ask, and so it's
teaching kids all thoseinterpersonal skills that have
(08:01):
kind of, you know, gone by thewayside, especially with social
media right, that's like a bigthing.
Speaker 4 (08:11):
Yeah, you're right, that is so.
That's very true, and I want todive a little bit more into
that.
But first I want to just get alittle bit more about your story
.
Now you have two daughters thatyou've raised, right, you're
also married.
So tell me a little bit like,did you ever feel like when you
were, while you were raisingyour daughters, did you ever
feel like a life coach at thatpoint in time?
Or is this something that youjust kind of, that you kind of
(08:32):
fell into, and so this is.
You know, I should be doingthis.
Speaker 1 (08:36):
Well, it kind of came from, you know, probably from
my parents, specifically my dad.
He was this amazing father andI adore him and I miss him every
day.
But he used to have these greatwords of wisdom that you know,
we say all the time.
But you know, when I'd want toargue with him, he would like
stop me and back then, you know,parents read the newspaper and
he would go when you're ready toelevate your conversation and
(08:57):
not your voice, I am so willingto have this conversation with
you.
And then he'd go back toreading the paper and I could
stand there and yell.
And he never yelled back.
He just kind of was like, oh,you can go.
But I learned very quickly.
But, wow, if I stop and I comewith an argument not, you know,
argumentative, but an argumentup to why I should get to go to
the sleepover, why I should haveget to stay out late, and I
(09:18):
presented it nine times out of10, I won.
It was kind of like now, here'smy reasoning, here's my
background, here's all theseother things that the
expectations of what you wantedme to do are done and I'm like,
wow, and I love that, because Isee so many parents kind of
spoon feeding their kids.
So as my kids got older, I'mlike I can either spoon feed
them or I really like that thingof how do I develop your skills
(09:41):
so that you can go out in theworld and be successful, so you
can advocate for yourself,because you know we're in the
workplace?
You can't yell at somebody toget your own way.
You need to go.
Hey, I deserve a raise, or hey,I deserve this, or hey, this
isn't working.
But you shouldn't be learningthat skill as an adult.
We should start teaching it ontheir teenagers.
So that was my big thing.
So my kids will tell you thatnow their big joke is don't
(10:04):
coach me, just parent me.
Sometimes, like they'll justlike, just tell me what to do,
because parents, they seeparents doing telling them what
to do.
And I'm always like, well, howdo you think that'll work out?
Well, what would be the logicalconsequences for that?
And helping them sort it out,and even as adults are like, oh,
could you just tell me theanswer, I'm like no, I really
can't.
I want you to figure it out.
Speaker 4 (10:24):
Oh wow, I love that.
I love that.
Do you ever find yourself kindof stuck in between the two of
what they want you to do,whether they want you to coach
or parent them?
Do you ever find yourselfstruggling between the two?
Speaker 1 (10:38):
Sometimes.
But you know what it's allabout that.
You know that love.
And I always tell people I havegirls.
So you know I, you know I can'trelate to boys, but I remember,
you know high school.
You know the breakups with theboyfriends, right?
Oh my gosh, you really want tobe that coach where you'd be,
where I wanted to say so, what'dyou learn during this process
and all this thing?
And at those moments you knowwhat.
I just got out the ice cream orthe chocolate chip cookies on
(10:59):
the couch and let them cry itout because that was their
experience.
I knew as a parent and as acoach.
And we all know, as a grownup,there's going to be many
breakups in your life, right,but in high school you're just
figuring out how to emotionallydeal with them.
So to tell your kid there'sother fish in the sea, I thought
that is such a mean comment.
It's a.
(11:23):
You look back on it, you gowell, okay, but it's really mean
because to them there is noother fish.
Speaker 4 (11:26):
This was the fish, the vain one, yeah.
Speaker 1 (11:28):
And yeah, there might be 30 million of them out there
, but this is the fish that Icaught.
And what do I do?
So I always tell parents it'sreally realizing, and I think me
as a parent that every time mykid came with an emotion that
was the first time they werefeeling it.
I might have felt it, but thisis their first moment.
So I always joke that I'm in itto win it.
(11:49):
And you know my kids go we'rein it to win it.
Right, I'm in it to win it.
That emotion, that anger, thatfrustration, you can throw the
book, you can rip up paper, I'mtotally in.
You can have those emotions arenormal.
We can talk about better waysto deal with them, but at the
time it was like I'm parentingand I'm like they've got to be
able to experience that.
I think sometimes as parents weforget that.
Speaker 4 (12:09):
Right, right.
Yeah, that's so awesome andthat's insight and revelation
for me too.
I mean, that's great insight.
Now, desiree, take me to lifebefore life coaching and what
you were doing.
Speaker 1 (12:27):
Life.
Before life coaching, I was acritical care nurse, so I worked
in critical care, so in the ICUand in nurse management.
That's what I did and I lovedit.
I loved the rush, it was theopportunity, because in ICU
you're kind of one-on-one withthe patient, one-on-one with the
family, and I like that.
I like that better than beingwith tons of other patients and
(12:48):
not getting to know the family.
To me, I kind of relished thatconnection, kind of in the same
way as I was going throughnursing school, paying for it, I
worked in nursing homes and Iloved being able to and I worked
night shifts.
So I always tell people I lovedthe old people that would wake
up early in the morning and havemorning coffee.
Although they weren't supposedto, I was totally the rule
(13:09):
breaker.
I'm like you want to havemorning coffee and watch TV
while I finish up my homework?
I am totally in.
But, just having that.
I love people connection.
I think that's always driven me.
I love connecting with people.
Speaker 4 (13:21):
Yeah, yeah and you can see that that really shines
through and that's why I can seehow easy the train well, maybe
it wasn't easy, but the trends,how you transitioned
effortlessly into coaching, itjust seems like you have a knack
for people Like.
You genuinely love people.
Speaker 1 (13:39):
I do, I really and I let you know what my whole thing
is when my kids were teens.
No one loves teens.
It seems they, you know,they're, they're, they're,
they're tough.
Right, they have moments.
They're trying to establishtheir own identity.
They want to make the own rules.
They want to have all thisfreedom, but they have no idea
how to use that freedom.
And they want all this stuff,but they still want you, as a
(14:01):
parent, to pay.
So it's kind of bringing it alltogether for them and giving
them freedom.
That's appropriate, but alsounderstanding for them to
understand.
When they're not doing it,there's consequences and there's
behavior.
That comes with all of that andit's tough.
Parenting a teen is tough, andparenting a teen today, in
today's world, where you're nownot only competing with the
(14:23):
parents around you, you're alsocompeting with social media,
that's really hard as a parent.
Speaker 4 (14:27):
Right.
Speaker 1 (14:28):
And a teen.
Speaker 4 (14:29):
Yeah, yeah, you're absolutely right about that, and
that's something I want to talkmore about.
Tell me about the actualtransition.
So when you knew that, okay, Iwant to go into life coaching
and this is something that Ifeel like I can do and really be
impactful in this space.
Speaker 1 (14:47):
So I think you know.
So we were in the military, wemoved around a lot and so we
were moving to duty stations.
I'm like I'm not going back towork.
My kids were getting a littleolder and it was kind of, you
know, I could work or I could beat home.
So I chose to be at home, butit was watching them struggle as
we moved from school to school,struggle with making friends,
struggle with asking for theclasses that they wanted,
(15:09):
struggling just to be, have that, you know, growing in
self-confidence, and I'm like,wow, this is crazy.
And so then I read everypsychology book.
I could get my hands oneverything about development,
even though, you know, I was anurse.
Unless you deal with it everyday, it's kind of hard.
So I read everything I couldand how to do it, and then I
just and so it was really forhelping my own two girls, you
(15:31):
know, thrive and survive inmilitary moves.
They went to, you know, threedifferent high schools each of
them so.
So in high school is tough,right, like everyone's kind of
clicky.
They don't want to let newpeople in.
So what do you do?
How do you help them?
So I could either, you know, bethe bull in the china shop, or
I could try and give them tools.
So that's really when thetransition started to come, when
(15:51):
we just started moving and theygot older and it wasn't so easy
, and I'm like how do I helpthem?
Speaker 4 (15:57):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (15:58):
You know, I need to be the parent that helps them be
the best version of themselvesand build self-confidence,
because you know at that stagethey get their self-confidence
from their peers.
But if you're leaving yourpeers every year, year and a
half, you're not getting itbecause you're kind of the
outsider every time.
So that's really what it was ishow to be confident despite not
(16:20):
having that peer group.
Speaker 4 (16:22):
Yeah, wow, I love that.
And you saying that and kind ofsharing your journey reminds me
of something that I was toldthat sometimes what you're meant
to do is not you don't find it,but it finds you, you know, and
it seems like that's whathappened with you.
It just kind of coaching foundyou.
You know, in that, during thattransition, did you feel like
(16:43):
that?
I did you know?
Speaker 1 (16:43):
it just felt like it.
It came, you know, in that,during that transition, did you
feel like that?
I did, you know it just feltlike it.
It came, you know, afterreading all the books and
staying up late at night andthen trying some different
things with my kids and theywere kind of guinea pigs.
For you know how do Icommunicate this to you, how do
I share this with you?
And because it was like pullingout the books, right, I you
know one.
You know big Stephen Coveypeople.
I love Stephen Covey people.
(17:08):
I love Stephen Covey.
You know his seven habits.
How do we create win-wins?
And I, you know trying to tell.
So, trying to tell a teenager,how do you create?
Speaker 4 (17:12):
a win-win situation is a little they're like I don't
know Right.
Speaker 1 (17:13):
So it was trying to be like oh well, let me break it
down, how do you make it?
So you kind of get what youwant and the other, you know, it
was really breaking it down andhaving that.
So they were kind of my guineapigs on communication, so.
But I, yeah, it was kind of acalling and I started doing it
with other kids in the military,other spouses and other people
like, hey, can you help my teen?
(17:34):
I'm like, oh my gosh, yes, andI didn't really realize, wow,
it's not just my kids.
Speaker 4 (17:38):
Right, yeah, yeah.
And I think I think a lot ofparents when they realize that
it's not, that you're just notlike in this silo, like it's
other families going through thesame thing, it's like an
epiphany, you know.
Speaker 1 (17:53):
It is.
It's a huge epiphany.
And you're right, it's not just.
You know, my kids military kidsit makes it a little tougher
because they're moving.
But even kids just dynamicallychange, right, you know, you
change from your freshman toyour sophomore to your junior
year.
You're changing, you're growing, and if all of a sudden you're
not liking what the cool thingis, then you're kind of outcast,
(18:14):
right.
So how do you?
You want to make sure we'rebuilding their confidence
despite that, because at everypoint in some kids' life and I
tell parents this at some pointyour kid's going to be the
outsider.
It doesn't matter.
I mean, you can be the it girl,then all of a sudden you're the
not it girl.
You can be the coolest guy inschool, and then all of a sudden
you're not the coolest guy andfrom.
(18:40):
However that happens, you know.
usually, generally now it'ssocial media, but you know,
something happens.
So how do you make sure thatthey're confident in themselves
and that we reassure them thatthey are amazing, wonderful
teenagers, so that when thathappens, they're not having you
know the huge crisis that we'rekind of starting to see a little
too much of in teenagers lately?
Speaker 4 (19:05):
Yeah, yep, absolutely , and you're starting to see a
lot of dynamics are changing,which leads me into my next
question.
Speaker 1 (19:07):
So officially, how long would you say you've been
doing life coaching for teens?
Officially five years.
It's been a business.
Speaker 4 (19:10):
Okay, Okay.
So what have you seen changeover the course of that time?
Within teenagers notnecessarily the business, but
within teenagers.
Speaker 1 (19:21):
I think, um, overall, I see them.
I see a lot, a lot of lack ofself-confidence, a lot of
wanting to really belong, andnot belong so much in their peer
group but belong in the socialmedia world.
So you know, there's that fearof being, you know the fear of
missing out, right.
But now there's this big fearof being left out, right.
(19:42):
If you're not seen or you'renot liking something on social
media, or you're not, if youdon't have your picture taken
with an Instagram selfie withthe right people at the right
party, you're kind of in the outgroup and I'm like that's so
sad.
So I feel like there's a lotgoing on.
And I know we just came outwith the National Institute of
Health just recently came outwith social media is an epidemic
(20:04):
, it's not a good thing forteens and we need to figure out
how to regulate it.
And I'm like an epidemic, it'snot a good thing for teens and
we need to figure out how toregulate it.
And I'm like that's like aPandora's box, because I'm not
sure how you regulate it,because now is that government
stepping, it's overstepping, oror is that a parenting thing?
And I think it comes back toparenting.
Speaker 4 (20:22):
Please welcome Jason A Dixon.
Everybody in here has a talentand you have a gift and you were
given that gift so that you cango change the world.
There's a world out herewaiting for you.
Speaker 2 (20:42):
There's a world out here that needs your talent,
from a struggling team to afirst-generation college
graduate.
Coach Jason is one of today'srising youth motivational
speakers for middle school, highschool and college students,
equipped with passion and theunique ability to create a
heartfelt connection, hisempowering message of hope and
resilience drives lasting changeand resonates with audiences on
(21:03):
multiple levels.
If your school organization orevent is looking for a dynamic
speaker to inspire, motivate andhelp increase student success,
book Coach Jason today.
Speaker 4 (21:21):
There's so much that again, parents have to worry
about and deal with.
So when you obviously I knowyou focus on teens, but do you
find yourself coaching theparents just as much as the
teens, or even more so?
Speaker 1 (21:36):
You know it's both.
So I do the teens and I doparents about communication and
I do parent talks and every oncein a while, when I get to do
the parent talks, we talk aboutsocial media and it really comes
back to parents kind of assumekids should know how to behave
on social media, which is kindof odd to me, because I think we
need to be teaching values.
(21:56):
We need to be teaching what'simportant to us as a family, so
you and what you know what myvalues are as a parent, what do
I value, what's important to me.
And then we need to be rolemodeling.
Kids learn the most by rolemodeling.
So if you sit there on yourphone, they're going to sit
there on the phone.
If you say to your partner,significant other oh my gosh,
(22:17):
look at this funny video, lookat this Karen at the airport
picking up, throwing this thingacross the airport and not
getting on her flight, orpulling the fire alarms in the
airport, and you're laughing andthinking that's funny.
Well, now you're a teenager oreven younger, especially younger
kids, who are really trying tofigure it out.
They're like my mom thinksthat's funny, that's normal
(22:37):
behavior, I should try somethingsimilar.
And so then you're like whoa.
So I always tell parents youneed to spend some time
reflecting on what you're sayingabout social media when you're
watching it, what you'rewatching on social media,
talking about it.
At a much earlier age I saidyou need to be engaged with who
are you following on TikTok?
Like ask your kid, what arethey doing on TikTok?
(22:58):
Who's your favorite YouTuber?
And they're like wow.
And I'm like you want to know,because if they're showing them
stuff that you don't want themto be seeing, then you need to
have a conversation.
Because if they're showing themstuff that you don't want them
to be seeing, then you need tohave a conversation.
Because if you're not having aconversation, they're finding it
on the Internet.
Information on the Internet isnot accurate.
Speaker 4 (23:18):
Yeah, yeah, you're right, you're right.
I always say, if you're nottelling them what needs to be
told, then somebody else is, youknow.
So you're right.
Speaker 1 (23:27):
Exactly, especially values, and I think it needs to
start young.
It needs to, you know, it needsto start very young, and I
think parents need to take astep back and decide when should
their kids have a phone?
It's getting younger andyounger, not older and older.
Speaker 4 (23:42):
Right, yeah, you're right, absolutely.
And, and, and I have a threeyear old niece and just to see
how smart and savvy she is andhow she picks up on things, you
know, again, I feel like socialmedia can be a blessing and a
curse.
I think that's part of it.
They have access to all thisinformation, but then it's like
(24:02):
you said how accurate isinformation and what are they
learning when they look at it?
Speaker 1 (24:07):
Right, and what are they going to turn around to say
to you that you're?
And then you're like whoa, likethat is way nothing that we
believe as a family, or wheredid you get that information?
Cause I'm not sure that'sreally the truth, or you know,
and I think for the other thingis, is that whole instant
gratification, tiktok, and thoseare such tiny soundbites and
(24:30):
their minds start to whirl?
I'm like I really think and Istress this so much with teens,
with my kids, take the time toread a book, I don't care what
book it is.
That's my big thing, my bigmessage at the end of the school
year do a book club with yourteen over the summer, I don't
care, I read't care, I read.
You know all kinds.
I read Harry Potter on my kids,really, you know tweens and
(24:52):
stuff, cause that was reallypopular.
I was totally into readingHarry Potter and then watching
the movies and having adiscussion, but them reading
Harry Potter was the fact thatthey were reading it, and then I
read it and then whatever elsedivergent, insurgent, like all
these very girly veronica rothbooks, and I was like I'm in it
to win it with them, right?
You know, my husband and I, wewould read them, we would talk
(25:13):
about them, but it calmed themdown.
It was like that time that theykind of decompressed and they
read.
There was nothing that wasstimulating, it was their
imagination, them, them readinga book.
And I tell parents you have noidea how valuable that is, even
if they start to daydream on thebook and it doesn't matter,
it's just their downtime.
Speaker 4 (25:34):
Right, yeah, I love that.
I just love the approach thatyou take when it comes to
guiding and coaching not justteens, but parents as well.
I want to ask you about this.
So I had a chance to do a talkto some teens who were present
for a business camp and Iintroduced them to a word that I
(25:56):
knew nobody in the room wouldknow about.
It's called ephebophobia, whichI don't know if you've ever
heard of it.
It's the fear of teens, likeliterally the fear of teens, and
you alluded to it earlier abouthow the perception that people
have of teenagers, and so I wantto ask you just to kind of
(26:16):
maybe coach the listeners whomay stumble upon the podcast or
listen to the podcast.
What are some ways that people,adults, especially people who
may have this negativeperception of teenagers what are
some ways to engage teenagers,to talk to teenagers, to
befriend teenagers and notalways have like this oh,
(26:38):
they're going to stir up troubleor do something bad.
What are some ways people cando that and engage in a positive
way?
Speaker 1 (26:47):
I think it's just talking to them, taking a moment
.
You know if they're in front ofyou in the grocery store,
because teens don't want to talkto adults, right, you're.
You know they're in front of mein the grocery store buying
stuff, and I don't know they'rebuying.
They could be buying a crazychocolate bar that you've never
heard of, right, or a bag ofchips, or look at you and go oh
(27:08):
yeah, it's my favorite one.
You don't have to have any moreof a conversation, but now
you've just created that thingwhere that teenager goes.
Wow, all adults aren't bad.
That person just asked me thisreally cool question about my
chocolate bar.
If you have teenagers that arein your family and you see them,
ask them what's next, ask themwhat's exciting in their life,
don't go.
(27:28):
You know the whole thing.
You know what are you going todo with your life.
You know what?
Yeah, that that's like.
You know that you're waitingfor that sarcastic answer to
come out of a teenager, right?
What are you going to do withyour life?
Well, you know.
And then this comes right, Ithink I was probably the
sarcastic teenager when someoneasked me that.
But ask them what's interestingto them.
(27:50):
Go.
Hey, you know what is yourfavorite.
You know what are you watchingon TikTok?
What's your favorite YouTuber?
What's your favorite movie?
If they're a gamer, what gameare you playing right now?
Hey, I don't really know a lotabout that game.
Can you tell me about it?
What level are you at?
Speaker 4 (28:03):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (28:04):
To share some information with you.
And then, all of a sudden, youknow you can have those things
because you can even laugh andgo.
Oh, you know what?
I remember when Atari came outwith their first one, before you
know.
I remember, you know when itwas, you know the first version
of this game.
And then you're laughing andtalking, right, and now you're
connecting with them and you'renot.
You're not preaching to them.
I think that's the thing.
Teenagers don't want adults togo.
(28:25):
So do you have a summer job?
Speaker 2 (28:27):
Yes.
Speaker 1 (28:27):
Or are you volunteering?
You know they get that atschool.
They get that at school.
All of that pressure comes inthere.
So when you want to have arelationship and talk to teens,
make it something that they'refocused on.
That's our responsibility, Itell people, as an adult, is for
us to stand above, rise aboveand engage that teenager and
bring them around.
If you can start talking tothem about stuff that interests
(28:54):
them, if they, you know, if theylike cooking, ask them.
You know what's, you knowwhat's the last thing you cook,
you know.
Ask them what they want to do.
If they go, hey, I really, Ireally enjoy playing volleyball
in high school.
Go, oh my gosh, you know Iplayed volleyball in high school
, but yeah, I think I, you know,ran into the net more times
than I could jump.
Like you can say whatever,right.
And then they're going to saysomething and they're going to
go, oh, I play this and that,and then you can see them on
fire.
It's kind of like if you talkto an adult, right, and you've
(29:17):
never met an adult, and you'reat some function and you're
going to go meet them.
If you say to the adult, hey,so what do you do for a living,
and you say, oh, I life coach.
Well, now it's kind of theperson's like help me out, give
me a little more information.
But if you went up to someoneat a mixer and you said, hey, I
really like your shirt, whatdoes that logo stand for?
(29:37):
And then you go, oh, the logois this.
And now I got you.
Now we're engaging and talkingright.
Speaker 4 (29:42):
Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1 (29:44):
And I brought you, I hooked you on something that's
interesting to you.
Speaker 4 (29:48):
Yeah, wow, I love that.
I love that so much.
Essentially, what you're sayingis you're humanizing these
teenagers, right?
Yes, they're human beings and Ithink so often I think it goes
both ways.
Like the dichotomy is howadults look at teens and how
teens look at adults, right, butI love what you said because
(30:08):
it's simply you're justhumanizing the teenagers and
talking to them like a person.
You're getting to know theirinterests.
I love that.
Speaker 1 (30:20):
Right, because you think about when you go and talk
to teens.
You're talking to them at theirlevel.
You don't go in when you'respeaking to teens and go, so
everyone has a piece of paper infront of them.
I want you to write down whereyou expect to be in 10 years
from now.
I want you to tell me howyou're going to get there.
They're going to be likewhere's my phone?
I want to start texting, right,but when you talk about stuff
that's engaging to them, all ofa sudden they're going to start
hey, I got a question.
Hey, let me yell something back.
(30:40):
Not yell, but I want to engagein this and the dynamic shifts.
So meet them where they're at,because they want to share stuff
with you.
Right, they, they want, youknow they're coming into that
realm of they're moving fromthat little kid world where they
would say the most bizarrethings when they're little kids,
and you're like okay, andyou're trying to figure out how
(31:02):
to respond as a parent.
You know, when yourtwo-year-old decides that they
don't want to wear their dressin the middle of the store, and
they're like so I'm taking mydress off, and you're like yeah
okay, you know having thesebigger conversations where all
of a sudden you have a teenagertell you that hey, so I saw this
thing on Instagram aboutwhatever it is.
That's what's on their mind.
(31:22):
So go wow, how did that makeyou feel?
What are you thinking aboutthat?
And then you know hopefully youhave some knowledge, or you can
go as an adult.
Wow, I didn't even know thatwas out there.
I really need to do someresearch.
Can you give me moreinformation Like how?
How do we connect on this?
Speaker 4 (31:36):
Right you know.
Speaker 1 (31:38):
And now you're right.
You've humanized them andyou've made them feel valuable.
You've boosted theirself-confidence, self-esteem,
and that's our role as role asadults in the community as a
whole, not just parents, but asa whole.
Speaker 4 (31:50):
Yeah, yeah, you're right, I love that.
And the thing I get a lot whenI talk to teenagers is I don't
want people to talk at me.
You know, how can we have aconversation, how can we
dialogue back and forth?
And I get that and it alwaysresonates with me and, again, I
think that's what you're hittingon it's not talking at these
(32:11):
teenagers, but having aconversation, finding out their
interests, you know.
So I love that, just thesimplicity of what you said.
Speaker 1 (32:19):
Exactly Because we don't talk at each other, we
talk to each other.
You know, one person talks, oneperson listens.
That's what we do as adults,that's what teenagers want, and
we need to role model that forthem.
Right, we need to go?
Hey, because then you know whatthe teenager is going to ask
you some bizarre question, right?
Like you know, they'll ask yousomething about so and they
(32:39):
think you know we're way olderthan we look, right?
They're like oh you must bereally old, you know, were you
alive before the internet?
And then you want to say, well,yeah, kind of most of us were,
but yeah, you're kind of.
It was in its infant stages.
America online was a thing whenI was.
You know growing, you knowgrowing up laughing right Cause
they're like, oh my gosh, that'sfunny.
(33:01):
And now, now you've kind of gotthis thing going right where
you're like sharing aboutyourself and you're right, right
, we're humanizing them andwe're creating connection.
And you know, as human beings,that's what we wanted since the
dawn of time.
You know we were in tribes.
You know, as a caveman, welived in packs, we lived in
tribes for survival.
That hasn't changed.
It just looks a littledifferent we all want to be
(33:21):
accepted and loved and respectedand encouraged yeah, you're
right.
Speaker 4 (33:25):
You're absolutely, absolutely right.
So, desiree, I want to bring itback around to you and even as
I've learned more about coaching, life coaching and done more
training, there's this thingwhere you talk about imposter
syndrome, right?
So I want to talk to you aboutthis.
As a coach, has there ever beenmoments where you doubted
yourself or you felt like, oh,my coaching is not effective,
(33:49):
like I don't know if this is forme.
Has there ever been momentslike that?
Speaker 1 (33:53):
Yeah, I think when I first started, but I think as
time has gone by I feel like youknow I do a great job.
I guess my wage that I'verealized that I don't have that
imposter syndrome is familiesthat have multiple kids.
I get one kid, then a few yearslater I'll get the next kid.
Then a few years later I get thethird one coming on and I
(34:15):
actually just today had thatcall from one of the parents,
actually called me up and she'slike and I'm answering the phone
, I'm like hi.
And she's like so our baby isstarting high school, so we're
calling you now.
So how are you?
It's been three years and I'mlike I am amazing, I thought
they were phoning.
I'm like, wow, why are theycalling?
You're like oh well, the othertwo are doing so great One's in
(34:40):
med school that you know liketheir kids are doing great.
She goes.
But now we have the baby andnow you're it, you're on deck
again and I'm like to me that'skind of like this huge
validation that what I'm doingis making a difference.
Speaker 4 (34:49):
Yeah, that's awesome.
I love that.
I love that you have ways whereyou can measure your own
success.
I love that.
So tell me about the people,either when you're growing up,
even right now, like people whohave inspired you.
I know you talked a little bitabout your dad and how he guided
you and parented you growing up, but who are some other people
(35:12):
that have inspired you or had abig impact on your life?
Speaker 1 (35:18):
So you know, I, you know I always tell people this I
love Martin Luther King, Iloved him.
I loved you know, justeverything he did and how he
spoke.
And it wasn't about being angry, it was about affecting change.
And if you read some of hisspeeches right, some people I
think people take little youknow snippets of his, of his
speeches and they distort it.
(35:38):
But if you listen to them allit's about peaceful change.
It's about education.
Nelson Mandela I loved him inapartheid.
I got to go to South Africayears ago and go to the district
where they, you know, did allthe bulldozing and moved people,
and how he sat in jail for allthose years.
And you know, ended up winningthe Nobel priest prize, and the
fact that you know his.
(35:59):
You know when you read abouthim he started out being this
very angry young person andbecame this amazing piece you
know person brokering piece Idon't even know I won't be a
peacemaker and not just what hedid and how he did it, I love
that.
I love Thomas Edison forinventing the light bulb,
because he did.
(36:19):
He never gave up hisperseverance.
It took a thousand times tillthe light bulb you became a
thing Right and I was right.
He just kept failing.
Yeah, and I'm like I think Imight've given up after the 10th
or 11th.
You know what, screw it.
I'm not going to be known formaking a light bulb, and
thousands of you know, athousand years from now, I'm
(36:39):
totally done.
You know I'm good, I'm going todo something else, but he
didn't, right.
Speaker 4 (36:46):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (36:47):
Like I'm going to try this, I'm going to try that.
So it was like basically athousand times.
And then he did the light bulb.
I'm like wow, wow, damn.
I really would have quit afterabout the 10th time.
I would have been like I'mdoing, sent mouse.
Speaker 4 (37:00):
Yeah, just continue to try Resilience.
Speaker 1 (37:03):
Yes, and I talk about that with kids.
I'm like that's prettyimpressive to try something that
many times.
Yeah, yeah you know that ideathat I got this, I can do this.
So I like talking about that.
I like talking about peoplethat you know kind of
self-reflect, you know, likeNelson Mandela, martin Luther
King, and just what they did tochange you know, to change
(37:26):
everything.
And I think maybe they're justbigger role models, because I
didn't grow up in the UnitedStates, I grew up in Canada.
So for us you know verydifferent culture, very more you
know, I don't know, laid back.
We didn't have.
You know the whole, you knowthe whole division and
everything.
So to me it was like, wow, youactually have to talk about that
stuff, but just how you know,when you studied it and we
looked at it in school, we'relike, wow, that's amazing.
Speaker 4 (37:49):
Right.
Speaker 1 (37:49):
Just having that.
You know, I had no idea about.
You know the whole division inthe United States that was kind
of like very foreign Cause, soit was like so people like that
Nelson Mandela and just seeingwhat he could do.
And you know my dad was nativeIndian, so we saw some of that
whole.
You know a bit of racism, youknow, even growing up in Canada,
but it was always his patients,right, his patients.
(38:11):
When people you know would makefun of them or make fun of how
he talked or how he looked, itwas always grace.
And I think having that ispowerful in your life, having
people that teach you grace,teach you that you can't fix it
with violence, you can't fix itwith anger, and I love to tell
kids that I'm like.
But those are real emotions,you're allowed to have them.
(38:32):
It's just what do you channelit to do?
Speaker 3 (38:35):
How do?
Speaker 1 (38:35):
you channel your behavior?
How do you channel everything?
I love people like MichaelPhelps for swimming and then
kind of falling apart there witha little bit of the smoking of
the weed and kind of owning itand saying, yeah, I made some
bad choices because we all do,but I love that he owned it.
I love that he's like we allmake bad choices and it's okay.
It doesn't mean I'm a badperson.
(38:57):
Yeah, it's really powerful to beable to have someone that kids
look up to to say stuff likethat.
And I mean, you know, right nowwe could look at Taylor Swift.
She's like the modern day iconright now with what she's able
to do.
I'm like, wow, that's good.
Bad of what you think about her.
I'm like, wow, she is.
What she can do is amazing,what she can.
(39:18):
You know what her fans aredoing, like her loyalty and how.
You know I always talk aboutthese fans that have loyalty.
So you need to have loyalty toyour family.
You need to have loyalty toyour own beliefs and values and
it's great when you could kindof show teens where it fits in
their life.
You know you might hate her,you might love her, but wow,
(39:39):
what she has done for you know,creating brand loyalty, that's
how we need to be with eachother, and kids are like oh, I
get, like they can get it.
Whether they agree with it,they can connect with it.
Speaker 4 (39:46):
Right, yeah.
And again, it's like when yousay meeting them where they are
and something they can relate to, like you said, whether or not
you like Taylor Swift, whetheryou're a Swiftie or not, you
have to appreciate you know thewords, the hustle, the grind,
that you know all the thingsthat she's accomplished.
I mean, I love that.
And even with your example,michael Phelps, I think it's
(40:07):
important for young people,teenagers, really to see the
rise and fall and just howpeople persevere and overcome
different obstacles, because I'msure you deal with it as well
with teenagers they do teenagerthings.
Speaker 1 (40:22):
They do.
I tell every parent a teenageris one decision from a bad
outcome.
They are one decision from abad outcome and you know what,
as long as it's not so bad thatthey can't, they can recover
from anything, as long as youlove them right.
They fail a test.
Okay, it's a bad day, it's nota bad life, it's.
You know.
(40:42):
They fail the test, theyalready feel bad.
So the conversation is wow,what's next?
How are you going to fix this?
How, how do you move forwardfrom there?
Not like you're never going tocollege, you're going to be this
or that, but none of thosethings transpire.
Right, it was one decision Iwanted to go out with my friends
and not study.
Or I decided to take adifferent road home and I
(41:05):
rear-ended somebody, but we allwalked out of it.
And now there's some damage tosome cars.
Okay, you know like there's baddecisions.
You know, as long as they'renot catastrophic, you can back
it up.
And that's what the teenageyears are about.
And I tell parents that I'm likemy kids were not not perfect.
There was, you know, lots of.
You know.
You know mistakes.
(41:26):
All of them were right now andI'm not really sure I mean I can
honestly say my daughter got inone of the car accidents and I
and her car was a write-off andI remember picking her up and
going, yeah, we're just going todrive home Like I can.
(41:50):
Even I'm like I, I and she'slike are you mad?
I said, well, I'm mad that yougot in the car accident.
I'm thankful that you're okay.
But I really can't talk aboutit right now because I don't
have the words and your dad andI need to talk, and I don't have
the words of what to say to you, because what I need to say to
you needs to be well thought outand I'm like, wow, I was like I
(42:13):
was really proud of myselfbecause I was so damn mad.
Speaker 4 (42:17):
You coached yourself through that situation.
Speaker 1 (42:20):
And I can talk to you for just listening to music
right now, because I don't knowwhat to say, because I did.
I wanted to yell at her and askher how, but I'm like you know
what?
How could you do that she'sgoing to go?
Speaker 4 (42:31):
I don't know, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1 (42:34):
And I could either build a relationship, destroy
the relationship.
So like I'm not going to talkabout it until I can kind of
come to terms with my ownemotions, and I think sometimes
we forget that as parents.
You know, I always tell parentsyou never have to discipline
your kid unless it's a lifethreatening event or you have to
grab them and fix somethingbecause their life is in danger.
(42:54):
You never have to disciplineyour kid at that moment and I
would say it has to be a logicalconsequence and you never.
You have to say, as a parent, Ineed to think about this.
This, this is throwing me, Ineed to think about it.
We need to come back to ittomorrow.
We need to come back to it, youknow, after we come home from
you know your sister's soccergame.
I I don't want to have thisconversation now when I don't
(43:17):
have control of my emotions.
Speaker 4 (43:18):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (43:19):
What a huge thing to teach your teenager about coming
getting your own emotions undercontrol.
You're not yelling at them,you're not doing anything
violent, you know not that wewould, but you're not throwing
something or you know whatever.
It is right.
You know you're like myemotions are all over the place.
I need to get me in check.
Speaker 4 (43:44):
And then we can have what, how powerful for your team
, like what a role modelingopportunity.
Right, that's true, and it'sevidence just as you've talked
about your own journey,especially as a parent how
you've modeled that for yourkids throughout their maturation
and growth as from teens intoadults.
Now I love it.
I love it.
So I want to ask you a couplemore questions.
So I would be remiss if Ididn't give you an opportunity
(44:06):
to talk a little bit more abouthow people can reach you, how
they can get involved in yourcoaching.
And because you shared so muchagain, I feel like you've
coached the audience and you'vecoached listeners and even me
throughout this process.
So how can people reach you?
How can people get a hold ofyou and learn more about your
(44:26):
coaching practice?
Speaker 1 (44:28):
So I have a website and it's Encouraging Teens, so
it's super easy.
And also my Instagram is alsoEncouraging Teens and I do some
TikToks, which are little shortlittle things because everyone
should some TikToks, which are,you know, little short little
things because everyone shoulddo TikToks.
And I have and I do, and I haveFacebook and I have LinkedIn
and it's all encouraging teensand that way people can find me
(44:50):
and I, you know, I love peoplethat you know are on Instagram
following me or they sign up.
I have a monthly newsletter onmy website with encouraging
teens and you can also book afree call with me, because
sometimes, as a parent, you justwant to talk to somebody and
say is this normal?
And then when I go, it isnormal and they're like how Okay
, because maybe your teendoesn't need coaching, maybe you
(45:12):
, as a parent don't needcoaching, or maybe we just need
to sit down for one day and yougo I have no communication
skills to connect with my teen,and so we meet for an hour.
I am not that coach that saysyou have to buy this 12-week
package or this six-monthpackage.
I want to meet your teen wherethey're at, but I also want to
meet parents where they're atand give them the tools to be
(45:34):
successful sooner than later.
I don't want to dig up, know,dig up, you know.
All kinds of stuff.
I want to be like okay, this iswhere you're at, these are the
tools you want.
How do we find those tools?
You know, I'm not a I'm not atherapist, so I'm not into
cognitive behavioral therapy anddigging in their past.
I want to go forward whenthey're going no-transcript.
Speaker 4 (46:25):
Maybe there's some parents out there, some teachers
, coaches, who are struggling toget through to their young
people, their teenagers, andthey're at their wits end.
They're ready to give up.
What's your message to keepthem going?
Speaker 1 (46:41):
You know what Silence is really powerful with
teenagers, which sounds really,really counterintuitive.
As a parent, as a teacher, asanyone trying to connect with
them.
You know what?
If they're watching TV, it'ssitting there and not even
talking to them.
Presence for teenagers is huge.
So I tell parents, when allelse fails and you feel you're
not connecting your buttingheads, when your teenager's
(47:03):
lying in bed, go in there andit's a simple hey, I love you.
And just sit on the edge of thebed for a couple of minutes and
just be present.
You don't have to say anythingelse, don't feel like you have
to fill that space.
If you're a teacher and you'restruggling to connect with kids
that are, you know, just pushingevery button, think you know
(47:23):
summer's a relief time for you,but during the school year
sometimes you know what.
Those kids just want someone tobe present.
So just.
You don't even have to talk tothem and say you know, same with
anyone trying to connect with ateen.
Sometimes presence is presenceis powerful, just sitting in the
same room with them.
So start easy, give yourselfgrace and letting them know that
you are there, because youcould be sitting next to a teen
(47:44):
and all of a sudden they can goyou know what this sucked.
And then you're like, wow, well, where did that come from?
And go yeah, yeah, you want totalk about it.
You know, don't be like, oh mydon't, don't dig into it.
Go, yeah, that sounds prettytough.
You want to talk about it?
They go nope, just continuewatching the show, because maybe
tomorrow or the next daythey'll give you a little more
(48:05):
info.
But let them do it on theirtime.
But presence is huge for teens,like anyone.
Speaker 4 (48:11):
Yeah, well, I love that.
I love that Desiree.
That is so awesome.
I love that message and it evenhelped me as a coach, as a
speaker, as someone who workswith teens.
I love that message and again,I just want to thank you and
appreciate you for joining thepodcast and for your patience
and modeling the grace andpatience that you always talk
(48:33):
about.
I really appreciate you.
Speaker 1 (48:35):
Thank you for having me.
This was great.
Thank you so much appreciateyou.
Speaker 4 (48:41):
Thank you for having me.
This was great.
Thank you so much.
Speaker 3 (48:46):
It is time to realize your potential, unlock your
passion and graduate to greater.
Thank you for tuning into thisepisode of the Mic'd Up and
Motivated Podcast brought to youby Inspire to Reach Higher, the
youth motivational speakingcompany for students, parents
and educators.
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