8: Healing from extremes: Avoiding confrontation

This episode on healing the extreme behavior of avoiding confrontation underwent a full rewrite and re-recording. In fact, the Scapegoat episode emerged while writing this episode on confrontation, and may be worth hearing before this one, if you haven’t already. The first version of this episode was so angry that the middle path was not in sight. While anger is certainly justified, it can turn off perspective, narrowing focus and seeing things more in black and white, rather than the complex full color mosaic of multiple truths. The point of the mosaic is clarity, and seeing as much of the whole truth as possible. Rather than succumbing to my inner volcano of rage, I want to demonstrate how I grapple with overwhelming anger by actively increasing self worth, self love, and inner strength to protect myself, so that maybe you can better protect yourself too. I want to approach conflict with centeredness, like a Jedi, powerfully protecting my boundaries without the extremes of either total submission or getting dragged into the muck of a fight with a bully. It’s deflecting incoming attacks from the mindset of tai chi, not engaging in MMA combat with an aggressor. Many of us avoid confrontation as if it were life-threatening, because the risk of it going badly, and resulting in us getting kicked out of our tribe, feels terrifying. But what I have learned is: healthy confrontation is love. It is loving to put in the effort to set boundaries with someone who has none. They can’t do it, so we have to, like a good parent, or both we and them suffer. It is also loving to apologize and repair. Now that I’ve finally had this realization about confrontation, and knowing it’s truly unavoidable in my quest to increase my self worth, I welcome it. I look forward to my next opportunity to do it. With practice, I get better and better at confronting calmly from an observer perspective, instead of feeling victimized by perpetrators or frozen by shame about my own mistakes.