October 2, 2025 • 42 mins
What if stress isn’t the villain but the spark—and the real unlock is how extraordinary you decide to feel? We sit down with stress resiliency coach and former Microsoft leader Dat Tran to explore a fresh, human approach to burnout, anxiety, and midlife pressure. Dat shares how a car accident and cascading changes forced him to rebuild from the inside out, and why the turning point wasn’t stress reduction—it was expanding capacity.
Together, we unpack a powerful yet simple formula: resiliency equals how extraordinary you feel minus how much tension you carry. That insight reframes everything for women navigating perimenopause and menopause, when expectations, caretaking, and identity shifts can keep the nervous system on high alert. Dat shows how an “extraordinary” mindset calms the emotional brain, unlocks the executive brain, and makes room for better decisions, sleep, and connection. We also dig into why seeing others—kids, partners, aging parents—as resilient actually lowers your own anxiety and gives them back their growth.
You’ll hear practical tools from Dat’s 60-day accelerator: mindset work that returns you to your core worth, skill-building to strengthen, stretch, soothe, and release, and the role of community in sustaining change. We get specific about nervous system states (safe and social, activated, shutdown), release rituals that prevent blowups, and a single actionable step you can take today to shift from overwhelm. If you’ve felt like stress keeps filling every gap you clear, this conversation offers a kinder, sturdier path forward—one that honors your body, your season, and your ambitions.
If this resonated, follow and share with a friend who needs it. Subscribe for more grounded conversations on menopause, midlife health, and lifestyle medicine, and leave a quick review to help others find the show. Your voice helps grow this community.
Dat is a Stress Resiliency Coach & Founder on a mission to redefine how the world views stress. He empowers leaders and teams to build the resiliency they need to achieve their boldest ambitions and lead with confidence under pressure. His work blends neuroscience with real-world leadership to create lasting mindset and performance shifts.
https://www.datstresscoach.com
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Email Us: info@midovia.com
MiDOViA is dedicated to changing the narrative about menopause by educating, raising awareness & supporting women in this stage of life, both at home and in the workplace. Visit midovia.com to learn more.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
SPEAKER_03 (00:00):
Welcome to the Medobia Menopause Podcast, your
trusted source for informationabout menopause and midlife.
Join us each episode as we havegreat conversations with great
people.
Tune in and enjoy the show.
SPEAKER_02 (00:16):
Hey everyone, welcome back.
We are excited today to welcomeour friend Dat Tran.
Dat's a stress resiliency coach,speaker, and former Microsoft
leader who turned his ownexperience with burnout into a
mission to help others.
After more than a decade in thecorporate world, Dat faced the
crushing weight of anxiety,depression, and relentless
(00:38):
stress.
Yep, I see you, Dat.
Instead of letting it definehim, he transformed it into fuel
for growth.
And today he empowersprofessionals to shift from
survival mode into extraordinaryliving, teaching practical
strategies that buildresilience, confidence, and
well-being.
And through his coaching andspeaking, Dat helps leaders
(00:58):
recame reclaim control of theirlives and careers, reminding us
all that stress doesn't have tobe the enemy.
It can be the catalyst fortransformation.
Dat, we're so excited to haveyou today.
Thanks for joining us.
SPEAKER_00 (01:11):
Thanks for having me here, April and Kim.
Oh my gosh, that was such awonderful introduction.
Makes me feel flattered.
SPEAKER_03 (01:17):
Oh, yeah.
Wow.
It's always good to hear yourbios, isn't it?
Yeah.
Reminds us, like, oh yeah.
Oh my gosh, that's new.
unknown (01:24):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_02 (01:26):
Hey, um, you taught us the word extraordinary uh to
put it in our language, andwe'll talk about that a lot
today.
But you share that after 13, 15years in corporate leadership,
including Microsoft, you hitburnout rock bottom.
That sort of redirected yourpath towards coaching.
Talk to us more about that.
Like what I mean, I get theburnout piece, and uh when
(01:49):
you're in it, it's hard torecognize what's happening.
But what was the turning pointthat sort of motivated you and
to make a such a dramatic shiftin your career?
SPEAKER_00 (02:01):
There were multiple turning points, but the one that
I've been thinking about themost recently was probably in
2019.
Um, I think in the beginning of2019, I had gotten uh another
job again to come back toMicrosoft to do probably the
most ambitious role that I haveever done in my entire career.
That I pretty much worked dayand night um to work with
(02:24):
executives and leaders allaround the world.
And I felt so driven, I felt soresilient, I felt powerful.
I felt like I could achieveanything I wanted.
And as much stress came my way,I was able to overcome all of
it.
And then in September 2019, Igot into a car accident where I
was in the passenger seat of anUber that uh T-boned, um, a
(02:45):
small little Prius T-bones apickup truck.
And that completely wrecked mylife.
Um, I defined my worth at thattime based on my my the value
and the impact that I coulddrive at work.
But I went from being reallyresilient to now fragile.
I had brain fog for months, Iwas irritable, I couldn't think
(03:09):
straight, and my work justtanked.
And as I was recovering andhealing and kind of getting back
in place, then all of a suddenthe pandemic hits.
My manager, who I looked up toso much and respected, left the
company.
Um, and then another managercame in that didn't see me for
(03:30):
the extraordinary kind of personthat I was, and I just started
burning out after burning outafter burning out.
And at some point I thought tomyself, this this can't be it.
There has to be something else.
And so uh a dear friend of minecame and said, Dad, I think you
would be a really amazing lifecoach.
And I pushed it off and I pushedit off, and then I finally just
(03:50):
jumped in.
I said, you know what?
I need to change, I needsomething different.
I can't keep living this wayanymore.
I felt depressed, I feltanxious, I felt just not my best
self.
And so I went to this coachingprogram.
Um, I became a sort of a lifecoach.
I started receiving coaching,and my life went 180 just from
(04:12):
lacking purpose, not resilient,fragile, to now finding more
purpose, more clarity.
And I thought to myself, wow, Ithink I was at the highest, you
know, peak of my career workingat Microsoft.
And I thought I made it.
But I realized there wassomething greater out there.
(04:32):
And so I then went on a missionto start figuring out, hey, how
do I help other people findthemselves?
How do I help other people findthat direction?
How do I help people get out ofstress?
And anyone that knows anyoneworking at Microsoft back then
and probably much more now,knows that everyone at Microsoft
is constantly put under aridiculous amount of stress and
(04:55):
tension.
And it was time for me to go dosomething about it, to give my
gift of transformation to otherpeople who are experiencing
similar things to what I hadexperienced.
I think that was really theturning point for me that
transcended over a couple ofyears.
SPEAKER_03 (05:12):
It's quite the journey.
Um, I personally haven't workedat Microsoft, but this is what I
understand the stress level.
Um, I hear that from almosteveryone I talk to that has or
or is working at Microsoft.
Um, I'm wondering though, youexperienced quite a bit of
anxiety, depression, burnoutwhile you were there.
(05:35):
You had this accident, you movedinto coaching.
You have a stress resiliencysystem that you teach.
And I'm wondering how how youbuilt that.
How did you get to this aspecific system?
And how did you narrow yourniche to stress resiliency?
(05:56):
Why?
SPEAKER_00 (05:58):
Yeah, you know, the story that I didn't tell back
then was I thought for thelongest time that the world,
everything around me, peoplewere causing me stress.
But I realized that the numberone thing that was causing me
stress was my own ambitions.
My ambitions to be successful atMicrosoft, to dream big, to make
(06:20):
an impact.
And before that car accident, mylevel of resiliency matched my
ambitions.
But after that car accident, myresiliency no longer matched my
ambitions.
And so throughout this wholeentire journey, I went through a
personal experimentation with myown life.
Like, how do I build up my ownstress resiliency?
(06:41):
How do I help myself?
And how do I help other people?
And um I started noticing a lotof patterns, a lot of signals.
And the number one pattern andsignal that I saw was that when
people were stressed, whenpeople didn't believe in
themselves, when people wereliving in the midst of all that
chaos, they weren't performingtheir best work, and neither was
(07:02):
I.
Right.
And I started looking furtherand further on what is the
deepest level of human need thatwe all have.
And the deepest level of needthat we all have is to be and
live an extraordinary life.
And I'm looking at all thesepeople and myself, and what I
(07:23):
realized is people who areliving their most extraordinary
life, people who believe thatthey're extraordinary, people
who had that self-confidence,that ego, you know, that healthy
ego, I would say, were able toovercome any challenge life sent
their way.
People that didn't have thatconfidence, people that didn't
have a technique or a way out,were not performing.
And so I know this sounds kindof crazy, but I knew that I was
(07:47):
going to go change the world.
I knew that there was somethingout there for me.
I didn't know what it was, but Ihad believed in my
extraordinariness, in myextraordinary idea, my
extraordinary mind.
And so I went out and I justessentially promised a whole
bunch of people that, hey, I canhelp you with stress.
And people signed up, theybelieved in me, and I
over-delivered every singletime.
(08:08):
And and through that pattern andtrend, I was able to slowly come
up with my system uh that Ibuilt along the way and
reinforced and have evolved overand over again.
And like that's kind of thebeginning of how I went and did
it.
And and I think the the mostprobably heartful story that I
(08:28):
can think about is I was workingwith a client.
And this client is the one thatreally helped me believe in my
own work.
And I just told her, hey, Idon't think you understand how
extraordinary and how amazingyou are.
If you knew how extraordinary,how amazing you were, and you
were able to own up to whatmakes you an incredible person,
your anxiety would go away.
(08:48):
And she said to me, I don'tthink you understand how much
that means because my wholeentire life, my society, my
religion, my you know,upbringing has told me that my
role in life is to make everyoneelse around me feel
extraordinary.
And because I don't feelextraordinary, and I don't
believe that I'm worthy of beingextraordinary, that's probably
why I'm getting so much anxiety.
(09:09):
And and that story still ringsso much true to me in terms of
why the work that I'm doing isso valuable and why having a
system to learn how to be yourmost extraordinary self is so
needed in this world.
SPEAKER_02 (09:23):
Um, when we we so for all those listeners, dad and
I did not meet at Microsoft, andApril and I met Dad at an event
and then had coffee with him,and he sort of talked about this
extraordinary idea, and we werewe hung to every word that dad
said that day.
Like, wow, okay, what does thatmean if you're extraordinary?
(09:45):
Can you unpack that a little bitfor our listeners?
When you say extraordinary, whatdo you mean?
And how do you take that on?
Because that feels like a bigword to be able to own as part
of your being that you'reextraordinary, especially for
(10:05):
people that have, like yourclient, been giving out to the
world in different ways.
And you know, our key audienceis women going through
menopause, where they've beenum, you know, in the middle
between their kids, theircareers, their parents, they've
never really spent time untilyou get to menopause where you
(10:26):
sort of have to looking atthemselves and where do they fit
into this world?
So the work that you did toundefine yourself from being
that uh person at Microsoft whohad amazing career transitions
or aspirations to um talking topeople about extraordinary.
How do I look at that atmidlife?
(10:47):
What does extraordinary mean andhow can I be that?
SPEAKER_00 (10:52):
That's a big question.
And I don't know so much.
You got it though.
SPEAKER_03 (10:56):
If anybody's got it now, and you know, add here,
Dad.
You you explained it soeloquently when we met for
coffee in in three differentareas.
And I I won't take the stageaway from you, but it was self,
others, and world.
So can you can you dive intothat?
SPEAKER_00 (11:15):
Yeah.
You know, what I thinkspecifically about midlife women
who are going throughperimenopause or menopause, or
just in general, I think the theextraordinary for me is not a
reality.
It's not a fact, it's notwhether you are or you're not
extraordinary, it's a mindset.
It's a belief that I am anextraordinary person, I'm an
extraordinary mom, I'm anextraordinary professional, I'm
(11:37):
an extraordinary leader.
It's just that belief ingeneral, or at least believing
that you're ordinary.
And I think a lot of women aretold you're only extraordinary
if you put on makeup, if you dothis, if you're a good mom, a
good leader, you know, uh youyou earn money and all of that
together, only then are youworthy of feeling extraordinary.
And all of those societalexpectations and hidden burdens
(11:59):
are just crazy in terms of whatsociety expects of a woman and
what I've learned as an ally.
And, you know, what we need toshift to believe that I am
extraordinary, that I amamazing, that I am powerful, and
I don't need any externalvalidation.
I just need to believe it inmyself.
And even if you feel ordinary,you know, what I've been
(12:22):
learning, listening to yourpodcast, is you know, a lot of
women when they go throughperiod menopause, all of a
sudden your body is changing.
And with this change comes thebelief I'm no longer ordinary,
there's something wrong with me.
And the belief shifts to maybe Iwas extraordinary, maybe I was
ordinary before, but I'm lessthan what I was before this
started.
(12:42):
And what that does to our mind,and I'm gonna bring in a little
bit of neuroscience, is that inour minds, neuroscience is that
we really have two major brainparts that deals with stress.
One major brain part is theemotional brain.
The emotional brain has onefunction to protect you, to keep
you alive, to support you.
When you feel fragile, when youfeel powerless, when you feel
(13:07):
not yourself, when and you feeljust not your the best version
of you, and you face achallenging situation, what your
emotional brain is going to dois it's going to try to protect
you by sending stress hormonesthroughout your entire body,
keep you activated, intentionmode, and put you on autopilot
and not think the best.
(13:27):
Why?
Simply because you don't believein yourself, you don't believe
that you're extraordinary, andit's able to protect you to you
know sense cortisol throughoutyour entire body to make you
feel more powerful.
The other part of the brain isthe executive brain.
The executive brain is where allof our executive functions live
our ability to problem solve, becreative, to relate to other
(13:48):
human beings, active memory, um,and all of that function, those
functions that we need.
And the thing is, when you feelextraordinary, when you say, you
know what, this challenge feelspretty like stressful, but I'm
so amazing, I'm soextraordinary, I've done this
before, I can do it again.
This major life transition.
(14:08):
Women are extraordinary, my bodyis extraordinary.
So many women have gone throughthis, and if they can, I can
too.
That's how powerful you are.
What your emotional brain willdo is it will say, Hey, my high
self believes in themselves,they feel extraordinary.
And if they do, I don't need tostep in to put us in stress
mode.
And I think that really is asense of self.
(14:29):
Like that's what I mean bylearning how to feel
extraordinary.
And, you know, the way that Ithink about it is when we have
that negative self-talk, it'sreally about just taking a pause
and reflecting what's one thingextraordinary about me, what
makes me resilient?
And how is that resiliency goingto help me get through this
situation instead of trying tobelieve that I'm fragile?
(14:50):
And I'll take a pause therebecause you know, there are
other aspects of it that itlooks externally as well.
SPEAKER_03 (14:57):
Yeah.
Yeah.
And then that piece of it stuckwith me as well after our coffee
meeting.
Um, you talked about the waythat we look at the world and it
being extraordinary.
That that's a piece of it.
unknown (15:13):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_03 (15:13):
And what really stuck with me is um when we had
a conversation, a part of ourconversation was about our kids
and how we carry, right?
In midlife, we well, all throughparenthood, if we have children,
we carry this worry with us thatcauses stress.
And if we can look at ourchildren or our adult children
(15:36):
as extraordinary as well, itrelieves that stress.
So I'm gonna, I'm gonna pausethere and let you jump back in
um to kind of finish the story,if you will.
SPEAKER_00 (15:47):
Yeah.
So, you know, what I shared wasreally just internally how we
look at ourselves.
But how we look at the worldmatters too.
How we look at people matters.
Your brain, your emotional brainis constantly trying to look for
stress in order to protect youand other people that you care
about from that stress and putsyou in a stress mode so that you
can show up for it.
(16:07):
But then all of a sudden you'rein stress mode so long, next
thing you know, you actuallyhave no more energy, you get
depressed, anxious.
You know, what I learned, I'mnot a parent myself, but I
helped co-raise over 20 niecesand nephews, immigrant nieces
and nephews, and in Vietnameseculture, your cousins' children
uh are also your nieces andnephews.
And what I learned reallyobserving them, and for me, is
(16:30):
that as caretakers, if webelieve that our children out to
stress us, people out to stressour children, um, or that our
children are fragile, then wewill live in stress mode in
order to protect them from theirown fragility and from stress.
But what I realize is thatchildren are so, so resilient,
(16:53):
they're so extraordinary,they're so amazing.
And if we believe that they'refragile, we will take action to
reinforce their fragility, toprotect them and take away their
ability to build their ownresiliency.
But if we believe that ourchildren are extraordinary,
they're resilient, they'reamazing, that if they fall down
(17:15):
and get hurt, if they go throughpain, they are so resilient they
will be able to rise above it.
Then our mind will no longer putus into stress mode in order to
protect them from that stress.
A really great example that Ilike to give is so I teach um
monthly or multiple times amonth at a local senior center
(17:37):
over in West Seattle.
And one of the women there,she's 84, she had been going to
my classes and she showed up oneday and she said, Dad, you know
what changed my life and howthis class changed my life is um
the other day I was with mydaughter, and normally I would
tell her, remember to wash yourhands.
(17:57):
And then I realized mydaughter's a grown adult.
I don't need to remind her towash her hands.
Right?
She's resilient, she'sextraordinary, she can figure it
out herself.
Then all of a sudden, all of heranxiety went away.
And that's what I mean by like,we need to believe and find the
extraordinariness in otherpeople.
(18:18):
And because when we look at theextraordinariness of the people,
we realize that they're muchmore resilient and we don't need
to protect them, and we don'tneed to live in stress mode to
protect them.
SPEAKER_02 (18:29):
I I think it's that's really remarkable in as I
look back on my parenting that Idid.
I don't think I always trustedthat my kids were resilient and
I wanted to fix it all for them.
And I mean, I think the samegoes true for even my parents
who are aging.
Like, I want to go in and justlike, I got this for you.
(18:51):
And if I do that, then whatyou're saying is, I don't think
you can do it.
I think that you know, you'renot resilient or extraordinary
enough to be able to handlethis.
And what you're saying is like,give people a chance and trust
that they are that way, and thatyou it it allows you to have
less stress while you'reallowing them to be
(19:13):
extraordinary.
unknown (19:14):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_00 (19:14):
And building on top of that, like the other bad side
of that is that if you believethat they're fragile, you will
take away their opportunities tobuild resiliency.
They will become so dependent onyou that when they need to go
off on their own or when theyever get to a moment where they
no longer have us, you know,then they break down because
(19:35):
they no longer have thatcaretaker that is doing
everything for them, right?
We need to trust that they canbuild the resiliency.
We may not trust them now.
We may not trust them from notfalling down, but we need to
trust that when they fall down,they'll be able to get back up.
And if they need our help, we'regonna be here.
But we don't need to pick themup without them asking.
SPEAKER_03 (19:55):
Yeah, it's like training uh muscles, right?
If we don't, if we don'tcontinue to lift weights, we
lose it.
Um, we it's that muscle memory.
Yeah.
Yeah.
SPEAKER_02 (20:06):
Oh, always comes back to weight training for us,
Ted.
SPEAKER_03 (20:08):
I I know we always have to we always have to throw
in weightlifting, right?
100%.
You're pretty impressed on howwe did that, right?
Yeah, you didn't think we could.
There it is.
SPEAKER_00 (20:20):
Um I I can go to town on talking about the
importance of weightlifting andand working out on how to build
resiliency.
But yeah, I'm you know, I'llleave it up to you.
You want to go in thatdirection.
SPEAKER_03 (20:31):
We'll we'll have you back for a whole other episode
um on the podcast with that.
But I'd love to switch gears umfor just a moment and I want to
talk a little bit about your umstress resiliency fast track
program because it's atransformative 60-day group
accelerator.
And I'm wondering what the mostpivotal components are.
(20:52):
How does that journey unfoldacross that 60-day, two-month
period?
What does that look like?
Tell us more.
SPEAKER_00 (21:01):
Yeah.
What that looks like is reallyproviding a group experiences
for people to build resiliencytogether.
I have a stress resiliencysystem that I teach people.
I think one of the greatestchallenges that we have with
stress is that we don't know howto deal with it.
It takes too much time.
We we get stressed, we makemistakes, and the next thing you
know, we scramble and trying tofigure out how to deal with it.
(21:24):
And when we don't have astructure clarity, um, it's too
much stress to take care of ourstress, if that makes sense,
right?
Yeah.
And so I provide people anentire stress resiliency system
for them to really understandhow to build the mindset,
skills, and community so thatthey can gain resilience for the
rest of their life, even afterthe program.
(21:46):
And it really centers aroundlike three pillars and a and a
formula.
And the three pillars that I,you know, put people through in
this experience is that onemindset, two, building skills,
and three the power ofcommunity.
(22:09):
Because when it comes tomindset, what we talked about
earlier, your mindset willdetermine when and how you are
stressed.
Right?
If your mindset is that you areextraordinary, you are
resilient, then you willcontinue to reinforce that idea.
And this belief that we'refragile and other people are
fragile is what keeps us all instress mode, right?
(22:30):
Because we have to go protectthat.
Two skills.
When I when I talk about skills,I'm gonna go back to the
formula.
The formula of stress resiliencyfor me that is critical across
the entire program is that yourstress resiliency depends on
just two things howextraordinary you feel, and how
(22:51):
much minus how much tension youhave.
Because when you feelextraordinary, you know those
days where you have a wonderfuldate night, you know, you got
great feedback, you landed aclient deal, or you just some
success happens, and then acatastrophic, stressful event
happens, but you feel likeyou're on top of the world and
this event doesn't even stressyou out.
That's stress resiliency inaction.
(23:13):
When you feel small when you'resick, and someone says, Hey,
honey, can you go wash thedishes?
And then you just go completelyoff the veils because you feel
small, you don't feel amazing.
That is the opposite.
And so it's helping people buildthat resiliency.
And how you build that is ratherthan focusing on the tension,
focus on making yourself feelextraordinary.
And I and I walk them throughskills that they can develop,
(23:34):
understanding how their nervoussystem works and developing the
skills to strengthen theirresiliency, stretch their
resiliency, soothe theirresiliency, and release tension
that is preventing them frombeing resilient.
And over time, as we build theseskills, we build up our
resiliency, we build up ourextraordinariness.
(23:54):
Like going to the gym, forexample, when you go to the gym
and you feel more powerful, allof a sudden that sense of power
and confidence in your musclebuilds resiliency.
And then finally, the power ofcommunity.
And what I realized is like,look, we're all social human
beings, and you can feelpowerful, you can feel amazing,
you can feel like you're on topof the world.
But if you're on top of theworld alone, you don't feel very
(24:17):
powerful.
And so we need a community ofpeople, which is why this is a
good program that is movingalong this journey of resiliency
that has resiliency in areasthat we don't and inspires us to
move in that direction.
And then also on our days wherewe feel fragile, where we feel
small, to have a community ofpeople that can help lift you
(24:38):
back up to a place ofresiliency.
And so the whole program isbuilt on helping them transform
their mindset, build the skills,and then get comfortable being
in a community that will not letthem settle for anything less
than their most extraordinaryresilient self.
And like that transformation isso powerful because I mean, I've
(24:58):
had people go to this programand say that they went from
having three to five anxiety andpanic attacks a week to three a
month to zero.
Like that's how powerfullearning how to gain stress
resiliency and extraordinarinessis.
SPEAKER_02 (25:57):
You are ordinary.
You know, you find out that lotsof people feel the same way that
you do, and you're not crazy.
So the community aspect isgreat.
And you're not alone.
And you're not alone.
Yeah.
SPEAKER_03 (26:08):
And you're not alone.
Yeah.
Community is is huge.
And and I love your formula.
I love the one, two, three,right?
Mindset, stress resiliencyskills, and community.
And then I love your formula.
Can you share that one moretime?
It's the saying.
SPEAKER_00 (26:24):
Stress resiliency is is how extraordinary you feel
minus how much tension you areexperiencing.
SPEAKER_03 (26:30):
Tension.
Yeah.
SPEAKER_00 (26:31):
Right.
And I think women going throughmidlife, you know, transitions
like this, all of a sudden theamount of tension that you're
experiencing is skyrocketing.
And it makes you feel small, itmakes you feel fragile.
That's why we need to be incommunities of people that
support us and lift up ourresiliency and extraordinariness
because we can't do it alone.
(26:52):
You know, and especially, Ithink one of the things I hear
there is um all of a sudden, youknow, it reminds me of my car
accident.
I got into a car accident and Ijust didn't feel myself anymore.
I felt so small.
And then all of a sudden, youknow, I'm talking to other
people who went through similarexperiences.
I'm like, wow, the story thatI'm telling in my head is much
different from what they'retelling.
You know, they're tellingthemselves that they're they're
(27:12):
they're no longer extraordinary,but I'm like, I see the most
extraordinary person.
And so when you when you feelsmall, but you're surrounded by
people who also feel small andyou see how actually amazing
they are, it reminds you of howamazing you are.
But yes, I know I kind of went alittle off-tangent on that
formula, which is howextraordinary you feel minus how
much tension you have.
unknown (27:30):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_03 (27:32):
It's really good and helpful for our listeners as
well.
I was just uh I sit and Ijournal every morning and I
spend that quiet time 30 minutesby myself, sort of kind of with
my dog, but by myself before therest of the world gets up.
And um, I was just reading thismorning in devotion, very
similar to this, to be sure toshare with other people.
(27:55):
Um, if we want to, if we want tosay how extraordinary they are,
but what what gifts they bring.
When they walk into the room,how do they light up the room
and be sure to tell them thatbecause we're elevating them and
we are building that um stressresiliency, right?
We're we're lifting them andelevating them.
Um and I love that.
I think it's it's a really greatreminder.
(28:18):
There is also a powerfulcontrast between very release
process when it comes to stressmanagement.
And I'm wondering how thosestages differ and why is release
so central to the rest of theprocess?
Can you unpack that a little bitmore for us as well?
SPEAKER_00 (28:38):
Oh, you're going back deep to some of my earlier
work.
Yeah, so I think we have thisidea that we need to hold on to
stress, that stress is needed,that you know, stress is
helpful, but it isn't.
I think stress similar to foodallows us to grow, to be
(29:01):
nourished, right?
But do you hold on to your food?
No.
You process you, you allow, youtake what you need from it, you
process it to help you growstronger, and you let go of the
rest.
And so we need to release it.
We need to let it go because themore we hold on to stress, the
more it actually shows up astension throughout our body,
(29:23):
throughout our emotions,throughout our you know,
physical, mental, spiritual, andand emotional health.
And when we don't talk about it,when we don't have communities,
when we do it all alone, we holdon to it.
When we don't go to the gym, wedon't take time to release.
And releasing can be having abubble bath, a sound, you know,
a sound bath, going to the gym,going for a run, yelling at the
(29:45):
top of your lungs about howangry you are at the world, just
to let it out.
SPEAKER_02 (29:49):
April has a dance party.
SPEAKER_00 (29:52):
Have a dance party because what happens is if you
don't release your stress andtension, you will unleash it
onto your loved ones at theworst.
SPEAKER_01 (30:00):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_00 (30:00):
I mean, possible.
And we all know how that feelslike being the, you know, the
person doing it and unreceivingit.
And so we need to releasetension throughout the day.
Because the number one thingthat causes us to not be able to
be present for the people welove is tension.
Right.
And and you ever go for a run orhave a really good exercise, and
(30:23):
then all the stress that youfelt and experienced just
magically went away.
SPEAKER_03 (30:28):
Yeah.
Yes.
It is true.
It is true.
SPEAKER_00 (30:31):
So yeah.
SPEAKER_03 (30:32):
It's like a pressure cooker, right?
You hold it in, you hold it in,you hold it in, and then the top
pops off.
Yeah.
SPEAKER_02 (30:39):
I went on so many long walks during COVID, it was
crazy because I needed to justrelease the scariness that was
going on around me.
But um, you know, this makes methink about you focus on
understanding and regulating thenervous system.
And lots of people, myselfincluded, most days, don't even
(31:01):
understand what that means.
How do I regulate my um nervoussystem?
Like how what's your frameworkfor building that mind-body
connection so that you canrecognize when this is happening
inside your person as you know,maybe it's not your brain that
realizes that you're stressed,but your body is.
How do you how do you thinkabout that and how do you
(31:23):
connect that?
And how do you release that?
SPEAKER_00 (31:26):
That is such a great question.
I like to oversimplify things.
Um, and so in our minds, we havethe emotional brain and the
executive brain, and we like tothink that our mind talks to our
body, but it does not.
It's very disconnected.
And people who who learn how toconnect them can really do
amazing things.
And so in our body, our body issomething is controlled by
(31:48):
something called the autonomicnervous system.
I just like to call it thenervous system for simplicity's
sakes.
More importantly than anything,um, according to the polyvagal
theory, the nervous system hasthree states.
And but I like to call thestates a little bit different to
make it more accessible.
And those three states for meare one, the safe and social
(32:10):
state.
This is the state in which yourbody feels safe, it feels
social, it can rest, it candigest, it can self-regulate and
heal itself.
And this is the ideal state forall of us to be in.
Right.
And the second state is what Icall the activated state.
The activated state, the statein which you're activated,
you're in motion, you're gettingready to respond, you're getting
(32:31):
ready to go.
I think a lot of medicalproviders say that it's fight or
flight, but I think it's morethan that.
It is movement, fight, andflight.
Right?
When you when it's good, it'shelping you pick up your child,
pick up groceries, and do thingsyou want to do.
But when it goes wrong, theactivated state is also the
fight and flight state.
(32:51):
It's a state in which your bodyis getting ready to fight back,
it's getting ready to run awayand respond to the situation to
keep you safe.
And finally, the final state isthe shutdown state.
The shutdown state is a state inwhich your nervous system has
gone completely awry.
It's it's gone away, it's inchaos.
(33:12):
And you know those moments whereyou yell at somebody and you
think back, why did I do that?
You reach for junk food, youreach for addiction, you reach
for vices, and then you guiltand shame yourself and you
think, Wow, why did I do that?
But I promise you, it's not you.
That's actually your nervoussystem taking control of you
without your consent because youdidn't listen to it.
It entered the shutdown stateand it took action again without
(33:36):
your consent to get you back tothe safe and social state.
You're picking up that snackthat you know you shouldn't eat
because your body is trying touse the snack to feel safe
again.
And so when you think of thosethree states, it's so powerful.
And the thing is, the activatedand the shutdown state allows
you to take action, but you yourbody can't heal.
(33:58):
Your body cannot heal itself, itcannot rest, it cannot digest.
And I think, you know, women whoare going through traumatic
experiences or major lifetransitions, your body is
constantly in the activatedstate.
No wonder why you can't heal, nowonder why you can't sleep.
And so regulating your nervoussystem is really about learning
(34:18):
how to recognize which stateyour nervous system is in,
choosing not to keep itactivated for too long, and
taking breaks and actions tobring it back to the safe and
social state so that you don'tlive in the shutdown state and
take action that causes you alot of work to make up for the
mistakes that you made.
And I can go more into theskills too, but that's kind of
(34:42):
the introduction to how I thinkabout understanding your nervous
system from a very accessiblestandpoint.
unknown (34:47):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_03 (34:48):
Oh, I love that.
And I I I appreciate all of thepractical tips that you're
offering here today, Dad.
I I know everyone that I talk tohas some level of stress.
It varies to to, you know, atdifferent degrees depending on
where they are in life, what'shappening in their lives, but
everyone has a certain amount ofstress.
(35:09):
So I appreciate you offering allof the advice today.
But I want to ask you one morequestion before we leave our
audience here.
Because people are feelingburied, they're feeling
overwhelmed, they're feelingstress.
I'm wondering if you can give usa simple immediate step that our
(35:30):
audience can take to beginshifting from overwhelm.
What can I do today?
One thing to start shifting outof that overwhelm stress state.
SPEAKER_00 (35:41):
I want to say fourth, I want to say um, let me
reflect on that to make itsimple.
Sure.
Build skills.
Go and build skills that helpsimprove your stress resiliency.
Because the number one thingthat I have come to realize
(36:01):
during this work is that stressreduction is a myth and it's a
lie.
Anything we do to reduce ourstress, life will find a way to
fill in the gap and it'snever-ending and endless.
And so when you are constantlytrying to reduce your stress,
it's not very long.
Instead, take the time to buildup your resiliency.
(36:21):
Do things that make you feelextraordinary, even things that
are hard.
And the four things that Iskills that I recommend is one,
learn how to strengthenyourself, take action to
strengthen yourself because thestronger you are, the less
things stress you out.
Because you're strong.
SPEAKER_02 (36:37):
And by strength, you mean like your mind.
SPEAKER_00 (36:40):
Mind, body, yeah, emotions, spirit, yeah, any of
that, right?
And what I mean by that is likego do and build upon skills you
already have, or build upon newskills that are in your comfort
zone.
Go and work out and go to thegym or have hire a personal
trainer that you know allows youto build strength, but again, in
(37:04):
your comfort zone, it isn't toohard.
Stretching is really about doingthings out of your comfort zone.
Because the reality is life willstretch stretch you.
It will stretch you, and if youdon't stretch yourself in
advance, you will break.
And so do things that bring youdiscomfort, but help you in the
long term.
That's really stretching.
But I think the reality is ifthere's one, two skills that are
(37:26):
more important than those, it'slearn how to self-soothe.
Because I think all of us havelearned how to strengthen and
stretch without much uh becauselife has taught us that.
Soothing is really aboutteaching yourself that you don't
need to be on all the time, thatyou can rest, that you are still
amazing, even if you take careof yourself, even if you get a
(37:47):
massage, even if you're not onall the time, learn how to
soothe yourself.
That is such an instrumentalskill that I think so many of us
rely on other people to soothe.
But we haven't taught ourselveshow to do that.
So teaching yourself how tosoothe is really so instrumental
and and and releasing, you know,go take time to release the
stress, but do those threethings and release will come on
(38:09):
its own.
But I think the number one thingis go develop skills that help
you with stress, because whenyou do, you you will no longer
be stressed by the things thatused to stress you out.
SPEAKER_03 (38:23):
Take those baby steps.
Yeah.
Take the baby steps, yeah.
And for those that might need alittle bit of help and still not
sure how to do it on their own,that where can our audience
members find you?
SPEAKER_00 (38:40):
You know, if you feel like you're at a point
where you have ambitions anddreams and you want to be able
to gain the skills to achievethose ambitions and dreams and
the stress that comes above, youknow, with those things, you
know, you can find me at mywebsite or on social media.
Um, I'm on, you know, my websiteis datstresscoach.com.
(39:01):
And my Instagram and LinkedInare also uh at that stresscoach.
And it's like I'm I'm here as aresource, even if you want to
just have a call to have someonethat can support you as a
community member and lift upyour spirits and point you in
the right direction.
I'm I'm here to help make youfeel extraordinary.
SPEAKER_02 (39:21):
I gotta say that's totally true.
You know, when we met with you,we walked away like, oh my gosh.
And also extraordinary.
Yeah.
I do, yeah.
And also, Dad, like just gettingon this podcast with you, like
your style is so calming.
Yes.
I'm like, okay, I can getthrough the rest of my day.
I'm gonna be okay.
I really appreciate that.
(39:41):
You bring that sort of energywith you wherever you go, Dad.
So appreciate that.
Um, okay, so I'm not surewhether we told you this or not,
but we always ask our guests onelast question.
And maybe you know because yousort of fell into a rat hole of
listening to some of ourpodcasts.
But what is the best piece ofadvice you've ever received or
(40:03):
given?
SPEAKER_00 (40:05):
The best piece of advice that I give all the time
is that remember that you areextraordinary and that you are
resilient.
And your extraordinariness andresilience will get you through
anything as long as you don'tforget it.
You are never anything less thanextraordinary.
(40:29):
You know, there might have beentimes where life took that away
from you, but it never did, evenif it felt like it.
And as long as you can retapback into what makes you
extraordinary, you'll be able toget through anything.
And I know something.
SPEAKER_02 (40:44):
No, it doesn't.
And I told the listeners at thebeginning you taught us about
what extraordinary meant, and Ithink you really did a great job
of bringing that to life today.
SPEAKER_00 (40:52):
Yeah, and I and I want to add one more to that,
which is in when I was younger,I I watched an animation when
there was a main character whodidn't believe in himself.
But he had a friend that waslike an old brother that said,
you know, Simone, if if rememberthat if you don't believe in
yourself, I will always be thereto believe in you.
And then the, you know, the thebrother then passes away.
(41:14):
But the the main character isable to overcome any challenge
that comes his way because healways remembered that his
brother believed in him, andthat helped him go through every
single challenge that life senthis way.
And I think I didn't realize whythat made such a difference
until now, which is that when webelieve in ourselves and when we
have people believe in ourextraordinariness, we become
(41:34):
unstoppable at achieving all ofour wildest dreams and
ambitions.
SPEAKER_03 (41:38):
I believe that.
We can't say it better, April.
So I can't.
And like, how do I wrap up theshow with that?
Like exactly I'm gonna, I'mgonna say thank you for making
us feel extraordinary today andfor reminding us of that.
It's been such a pleasure havingyou on the show.
And this topic is extremelyimportant.
(41:59):
Um, it's World Menopause Monthand lifestyle medicine is the
theme.
Stress is a part of lifestylemedicine, and having that stress
resiliency is critical to ourlong-term health, short-term and
long-term health.
So thank you for taking the timeto be on the show today.
Healthing is to feelextraordinary.
(42:20):
And audience, you areextraordinary.
Um, until we meet again, I hopethat you go find joy in the
journey.
Take care.
Bye, everybody.
SPEAKER_00 (42:29):
Bye, everyone.
SPEAKER_03 (42:31):
Thank you for listening to the Medovia
Menopumas podcast.
If you enjoyed today's show,please give it a thumbs up,
subscribe for future episodes,leave a review, and share this
episode with a friend.
Medovia is out to change thenarrative.
Learn more at Medovia.com.
That's M I D O V I A.com.
Welcome to the Medobia Menopause Podcast, your
trusted source for informationabout menopause and midlife.
Join us each episode as we havegreat conversations with great
people.
Tune in and enjoy the show.
SPEAKER_02 (00:16):
Hey everyone, welcome back.
We are excited today to welcomeour friend Dat Tran.
Dat's a stress resiliency coach,speaker, and former Microsoft
leader who turned his ownexperience with burnout into a
mission to help others.
After more than a decade in thecorporate world, Dat faced the
crushing weight of anxiety,depression, and relentless
(00:38):
stress.
Yep, I see you, Dat.
Instead of letting it definehim, he transformed it into fuel
for growth.
And today he empowersprofessionals to shift from
survival mode into extraordinaryliving, teaching practical
strategies that buildresilience, confidence, and
well-being.
And through his coaching andspeaking, Dat helps leaders
(00:58):
recame reclaim control of theirlives and careers, reminding us
all that stress doesn't have tobe the enemy.
It can be the catalyst fortransformation.
Dat, we're so excited to haveyou today.
Thanks for joining us.
SPEAKER_00 (01:11):
Thanks for having me here, April and Kim.
Oh my gosh, that was such awonderful introduction.
Makes me feel flattered.
SPEAKER_03 (01:17):
Oh, yeah.
Wow.
It's always good to hear yourbios, isn't it?
Yeah.
Reminds us, like, oh yeah.
Oh my gosh, that's new.
unknown (01:24):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_02 (01:26):
Hey, um, you taught us the word extraordinary uh to
put it in our language, andwe'll talk about that a lot
today.
But you share that after 13, 15years in corporate leadership,
including Microsoft, you hitburnout rock bottom.
That sort of redirected yourpath towards coaching.
Talk to us more about that.
Like what I mean, I get theburnout piece, and uh when
(01:49):
you're in it, it's hard torecognize what's happening.
But what was the turning pointthat sort of motivated you and
to make a such a dramatic shiftin your career?
SPEAKER_00 (02:01):
There were multiple turning points, but the one that
I've been thinking about themost recently was probably in
2019.
Um, I think in the beginning of2019, I had gotten uh another
job again to come back toMicrosoft to do probably the
most ambitious role that I haveever done in my entire career.
That I pretty much worked dayand night um to work with
(02:24):
executives and leaders allaround the world.
And I felt so driven, I felt soresilient, I felt powerful.
I felt like I could achieveanything I wanted.
And as much stress came my way,I was able to overcome all of
it.
And then in September 2019, Igot into a car accident where I
was in the passenger seat of anUber that uh T-boned, um, a
(02:45):
small little Prius T-bones apickup truck.
And that completely wrecked mylife.
Um, I defined my worth at thattime based on my my the value
and the impact that I coulddrive at work.
But I went from being reallyresilient to now fragile.
I had brain fog for months, Iwas irritable, I couldn't think
(03:09):
straight, and my work justtanked.
And as I was recovering andhealing and kind of getting back
in place, then all of a suddenthe pandemic hits.
My manager, who I looked up toso much and respected, left the
company.
Um, and then another managercame in that didn't see me for
(03:30):
the extraordinary kind of personthat I was, and I just started
burning out after burning outafter burning out.
And at some point I thought tomyself, this this can't be it.
There has to be something else.
And so uh a dear friend of minecame and said, Dad, I think you
would be a really amazing lifecoach.
And I pushed it off and I pushedit off, and then I finally just
(03:50):
jumped in.
I said, you know what?
I need to change, I needsomething different.
I can't keep living this wayanymore.
I felt depressed, I feltanxious, I felt just not my best
self.
And so I went to this coachingprogram.
Um, I became a sort of a lifecoach.
I started receiving coaching,and my life went 180 just from
(04:12):
lacking purpose, not resilient,fragile, to now finding more
purpose, more clarity.
And I thought to myself, wow, Ithink I was at the highest, you
know, peak of my career workingat Microsoft.
And I thought I made it.
But I realized there wassomething greater out there.
(04:32):
And so I then went on a missionto start figuring out, hey, how
do I help other people findthemselves?
How do I help other people findthat direction?
How do I help people get out ofstress?
And anyone that knows anyoneworking at Microsoft back then
and probably much more now,knows that everyone at Microsoft
is constantly put under aridiculous amount of stress and
(04:55):
tension.
And it was time for me to go dosomething about it, to give my
gift of transformation to otherpeople who are experiencing
similar things to what I hadexperienced.
I think that was really theturning point for me that
transcended over a couple ofyears.
SPEAKER_03 (05:12):
It's quite the journey.
Um, I personally haven't workedat Microsoft, but this is what I
understand the stress level.
Um, I hear that from almosteveryone I talk to that has or
or is working at Microsoft.
Um, I'm wondering though, youexperienced quite a bit of
anxiety, depression, burnoutwhile you were there.
(05:35):
You had this accident, you movedinto coaching.
You have a stress resiliencysystem that you teach.
And I'm wondering how how youbuilt that.
How did you get to this aspecific system?
And how did you narrow yourniche to stress resiliency?
(05:56):
Why?
SPEAKER_00 (05:58):
Yeah, you know, the story that I didn't tell back
then was I thought for thelongest time that the world,
everything around me, peoplewere causing me stress.
But I realized that the numberone thing that was causing me
stress was my own ambitions.
My ambitions to be successful atMicrosoft, to dream big, to make
(06:20):
an impact.
And before that car accident, mylevel of resiliency matched my
ambitions.
But after that car accident, myresiliency no longer matched my
ambitions.
And so throughout this wholeentire journey, I went through a
personal experimentation with myown life.
Like, how do I build up my ownstress resiliency?
(06:41):
How do I help myself?
And how do I help other people?
And um I started noticing a lotof patterns, a lot of signals.
And the number one pattern andsignal that I saw was that when
people were stressed, whenpeople didn't believe in
themselves, when people wereliving in the midst of all that
chaos, they weren't performingtheir best work, and neither was
(07:02):
I.
Right.
And I started looking furtherand further on what is the
deepest level of human need thatwe all have.
And the deepest level of needthat we all have is to be and
live an extraordinary life.
And I'm looking at all thesepeople and myself, and what I
(07:23):
realized is people who areliving their most extraordinary
life, people who believe thatthey're extraordinary, people
who had that self-confidence,that ego, you know, that healthy
ego, I would say, were able toovercome any challenge life sent
their way.
People that didn't have thatconfidence, people that didn't
have a technique or a way out,were not performing.
And so I know this sounds kindof crazy, but I knew that I was
(07:47):
going to go change the world.
I knew that there was somethingout there for me.
I didn't know what it was, but Ihad believed in my
extraordinariness, in myextraordinary idea, my
extraordinary mind.
And so I went out and I justessentially promised a whole
bunch of people that, hey, I canhelp you with stress.
And people signed up, theybelieved in me, and I
over-delivered every singletime.
(08:08):
And and through that pattern andtrend, I was able to slowly come
up with my system uh that Ibuilt along the way and
reinforced and have evolved overand over again.
And like that's kind of thebeginning of how I went and did
it.
And and I think the the mostprobably heartful story that I
(08:28):
can think about is I was workingwith a client.
And this client is the one thatreally helped me believe in my
own work.
And I just told her, hey, Idon't think you understand how
extraordinary and how amazingyou are.
If you knew how extraordinary,how amazing you were, and you
were able to own up to whatmakes you an incredible person,
your anxiety would go away.
(08:48):
And she said to me, I don'tthink you understand how much
that means because my wholeentire life, my society, my
religion, my you know,upbringing has told me that my
role in life is to make everyoneelse around me feel
extraordinary.
And because I don't feelextraordinary, and I don't
believe that I'm worthy of beingextraordinary, that's probably
why I'm getting so much anxiety.
(09:09):
And and that story still ringsso much true to me in terms of
why the work that I'm doing isso valuable and why having a
system to learn how to be yourmost extraordinary self is so
needed in this world.
SPEAKER_02 (09:23):
Um, when we we so for all those listeners, dad and
I did not meet at Microsoft, andApril and I met Dad at an event
and then had coffee with him,and he sort of talked about this
extraordinary idea, and we werewe hung to every word that dad
said that day.
Like, wow, okay, what does thatmean if you're extraordinary?
(09:45):
Can you unpack that a little bitfor our listeners?
When you say extraordinary, whatdo you mean?
And how do you take that on?
Because that feels like a bigword to be able to own as part
of your being that you'reextraordinary, especially for
(10:05):
people that have, like yourclient, been giving out to the
world in different ways.
And you know, our key audienceis women going through
menopause, where they've beenum, you know, in the middle
between their kids, theircareers, their parents, they've
never really spent time untilyou get to menopause where you
(10:26):
sort of have to looking atthemselves and where do they fit
into this world?
So the work that you did toundefine yourself from being
that uh person at Microsoft whohad amazing career transitions
or aspirations to um talking topeople about extraordinary.
How do I look at that atmidlife?
(10:47):
What does extraordinary mean andhow can I be that?
SPEAKER_00 (10:52):
That's a big question.
And I don't know so much.
You got it though.
SPEAKER_03 (10:56):
If anybody's got it now, and you know, add here,
Dad.
You you explained it soeloquently when we met for
coffee in in three differentareas.
And I I won't take the stageaway from you, but it was self,
others, and world.
So can you can you dive intothat?
SPEAKER_00 (11:15):
Yeah.
You know, what I thinkspecifically about midlife women
who are going throughperimenopause or menopause, or
just in general, I think the theextraordinary for me is not a
reality.
It's not a fact, it's notwhether you are or you're not
extraordinary, it's a mindset.
It's a belief that I am anextraordinary person, I'm an
extraordinary mom, I'm anextraordinary professional, I'm
(11:37):
an extraordinary leader.
It's just that belief ingeneral, or at least believing
that you're ordinary.
And I think a lot of women aretold you're only extraordinary
if you put on makeup, if you dothis, if you're a good mom, a
good leader, you know, uh youyou earn money and all of that
together, only then are youworthy of feeling extraordinary.
And all of those societalexpectations and hidden burdens
(11:59):
are just crazy in terms of whatsociety expects of a woman and
what I've learned as an ally.
And, you know, what we need toshift to believe that I am
extraordinary, that I amamazing, that I am powerful, and
I don't need any externalvalidation.
I just need to believe it inmyself.
And even if you feel ordinary,you know, what I've been
(12:22):
learning, listening to yourpodcast, is you know, a lot of
women when they go throughperiod menopause, all of a
sudden your body is changing.
And with this change comes thebelief I'm no longer ordinary,
there's something wrong with me.
And the belief shifts to maybe Iwas extraordinary, maybe I was
ordinary before, but I'm lessthan what I was before this
started.
(12:42):
And what that does to our mind,and I'm gonna bring in a little
bit of neuroscience, is that inour minds, neuroscience is that
we really have two major brainparts that deals with stress.
One major brain part is theemotional brain.
The emotional brain has onefunction to protect you, to keep
you alive, to support you.
When you feel fragile, when youfeel powerless, when you feel
(13:07):
not yourself, when and you feeljust not your the best version
of you, and you face achallenging situation, what your
emotional brain is going to dois it's going to try to protect
you by sending stress hormonesthroughout your entire body,
keep you activated, intentionmode, and put you on autopilot
and not think the best.
(13:27):
Why?
Simply because you don't believein yourself, you don't believe
that you're extraordinary, andit's able to protect you to you
know sense cortisol throughoutyour entire body to make you
feel more powerful.
The other part of the brain isthe executive brain.
The executive brain is where allof our executive functions live
our ability to problem solve, becreative, to relate to other
(13:48):
human beings, active memory, um,and all of that function, those
functions that we need.
And the thing is, when you feelextraordinary, when you say, you
know what, this challenge feelspretty like stressful, but I'm
so amazing, I'm soextraordinary, I've done this
before, I can do it again.
This major life transition.
(14:08):
Women are extraordinary, my bodyis extraordinary.
So many women have gone throughthis, and if they can, I can
too.
That's how powerful you are.
What your emotional brain willdo is it will say, Hey, my high
self believes in themselves,they feel extraordinary.
And if they do, I don't need tostep in to put us in stress
mode.
And I think that really is asense of self.
(14:29):
Like that's what I mean bylearning how to feel
extraordinary.
And, you know, the way that Ithink about it is when we have
that negative self-talk, it'sreally about just taking a pause
and reflecting what's one thingextraordinary about me, what
makes me resilient?
And how is that resiliency goingto help me get through this
situation instead of trying tobelieve that I'm fragile?
(14:50):
And I'll take a pause therebecause you know, there are
other aspects of it that itlooks externally as well.
SPEAKER_03 (14:57):
Yeah.
Yeah.
And then that piece of it stuckwith me as well after our coffee
meeting.
Um, you talked about the waythat we look at the world and it
being extraordinary.
That that's a piece of it.
unknown (15:13):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_03 (15:13):
And what really stuck with me is um when we had
a conversation, a part of ourconversation was about our kids
and how we carry, right?
In midlife, we well, all throughparenthood, if we have children,
we carry this worry with us thatcauses stress.
And if we can look at ourchildren or our adult children
(15:36):
as extraordinary as well, itrelieves that stress.
So I'm gonna, I'm gonna pausethere and let you jump back in
um to kind of finish the story,if you will.
SPEAKER_00 (15:47):
Yeah.
So, you know, what I shared wasreally just internally how we
look at ourselves.
But how we look at the worldmatters too.
How we look at people matters.
Your brain, your emotional brainis constantly trying to look for
stress in order to protect youand other people that you care
about from that stress and putsyou in a stress mode so that you
can show up for it.
(16:07):
But then all of a sudden you'rein stress mode so long, next
thing you know, you actuallyhave no more energy, you get
depressed, anxious.
You know, what I learned, I'mnot a parent myself, but I
helped co-raise over 20 niecesand nephews, immigrant nieces
and nephews, and in Vietnameseculture, your cousins' children
uh are also your nieces andnephews.
And what I learned reallyobserving them, and for me, is
(16:30):
that as caretakers, if webelieve that our children out to
stress us, people out to stressour children, um, or that our
children are fragile, then wewill live in stress mode in
order to protect them from theirown fragility and from stress.
But what I realize is thatchildren are so, so resilient,
(16:53):
they're so extraordinary,they're so amazing.
And if we believe that they'refragile, we will take action to
reinforce their fragility, toprotect them and take away their
ability to build their ownresiliency.
But if we believe that ourchildren are extraordinary,
they're resilient, they'reamazing, that if they fall down
(17:15):
and get hurt, if they go throughpain, they are so resilient they
will be able to rise above it.
Then our mind will no longer putus into stress mode in order to
protect them from that stress.
A really great example that Ilike to give is so I teach um
monthly or multiple times amonth at a local senior center
(17:37):
over in West Seattle.
And one of the women there,she's 84, she had been going to
my classes and she showed up oneday and she said, Dad, you know
what changed my life and howthis class changed my life is um
the other day I was with mydaughter, and normally I would
tell her, remember to wash yourhands.
(17:57):
And then I realized mydaughter's a grown adult.
I don't need to remind her towash her hands.
Right?
She's resilient, she'sextraordinary, she can figure it
out herself.
Then all of a sudden, all of heranxiety went away.
And that's what I mean by like,we need to believe and find the
extraordinariness in otherpeople.
(18:18):
And because when we look at theextraordinariness of the people,
we realize that they're muchmore resilient and we don't need
to protect them, and we don'tneed to live in stress mode to
protect them.
SPEAKER_02 (18:29):
I I think it's that's really remarkable in as I
look back on my parenting that Idid.
I don't think I always trustedthat my kids were resilient and
I wanted to fix it all for them.
And I mean, I think the samegoes true for even my parents
who are aging.
Like, I want to go in and justlike, I got this for you.
(18:51):
And if I do that, then whatyou're saying is, I don't think
you can do it.
I think that you know, you'renot resilient or extraordinary
enough to be able to handlethis.
And what you're saying is like,give people a chance and trust
that they are that way, and thatyou it it allows you to have
less stress while you'reallowing them to be
(19:13):
extraordinary.
unknown (19:14):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_00 (19:14):
And building on top of that, like the other bad side
of that is that if you believethat they're fragile, you will
take away their opportunities tobuild resiliency.
They will become so dependent onyou that when they need to go
off on their own or when theyever get to a moment where they
no longer have us, you know,then they break down because
(19:35):
they no longer have thatcaretaker that is doing
everything for them, right?
We need to trust that they canbuild the resiliency.
We may not trust them now.
We may not trust them from notfalling down, but we need to
trust that when they fall down,they'll be able to get back up.
And if they need our help, we'regonna be here.
But we don't need to pick themup without them asking.
SPEAKER_03 (19:55):
Yeah, it's like training uh muscles, right?
If we don't, if we don'tcontinue to lift weights, we
lose it.
Um, we it's that muscle memory.
Yeah.
Yeah.
SPEAKER_02 (20:06):
Oh, always comes back to weight training for us,
Ted.
SPEAKER_03 (20:08):
I I know we always have to we always have to throw
in weightlifting, right?
100%.
You're pretty impressed on howwe did that, right?
Yeah, you didn't think we could.
There it is.
SPEAKER_00 (20:20):
Um I I can go to town on talking about the
importance of weightlifting andand working out on how to build
resiliency.
But yeah, I'm you know, I'llleave it up to you.
You want to go in thatdirection.
SPEAKER_03 (20:31):
We'll we'll have you back for a whole other episode
um on the podcast with that.
But I'd love to switch gears umfor just a moment and I want to
talk a little bit about your umstress resiliency fast track
program because it's atransformative 60-day group
accelerator.
And I'm wondering what the mostpivotal components are.
(20:52):
How does that journey unfoldacross that 60-day, two-month
period?
What does that look like?
Tell us more.
SPEAKER_00 (21:01):
Yeah.
What that looks like is reallyproviding a group experiences
for people to build resiliencytogether.
I have a stress resiliencysystem that I teach people.
I think one of the greatestchallenges that we have with
stress is that we don't know howto deal with it.
It takes too much time.
We we get stressed, we makemistakes, and the next thing you
know, we scramble and trying tofigure out how to deal with it.
(21:24):
And when we don't have astructure clarity, um, it's too
much stress to take care of ourstress, if that makes sense,
right?
Yeah.
And so I provide people anentire stress resiliency system
for them to really understandhow to build the mindset,
skills, and community so thatthey can gain resilience for the
rest of their life, even afterthe program.
(21:46):
And it really centers aroundlike three pillars and a and a
formula.
And the three pillars that I,you know, put people through in
this experience is that onemindset, two, building skills,
and three the power ofcommunity.
(22:09):
Because when it comes tomindset, what we talked about
earlier, your mindset willdetermine when and how you are
stressed.
Right?
If your mindset is that you areextraordinary, you are
resilient, then you willcontinue to reinforce that idea.
And this belief that we'refragile and other people are
fragile is what keeps us all instress mode, right?
(22:30):
Because we have to go protectthat.
Two skills.
When I when I talk about skills,I'm gonna go back to the
formula.
The formula of stress resiliencyfor me that is critical across
the entire program is that yourstress resiliency depends on
just two things howextraordinary you feel, and how
(22:51):
much minus how much tension youhave.
Because when you feelextraordinary, you know those
days where you have a wonderfuldate night, you know, you got
great feedback, you landed aclient deal, or you just some
success happens, and then acatastrophic, stressful event
happens, but you feel likeyou're on top of the world and
this event doesn't even stressyou out.
That's stress resiliency inaction.
(23:13):
When you feel small when you'resick, and someone says, Hey,
honey, can you go wash thedishes?
And then you just go completelyoff the veils because you feel
small, you don't feel amazing.
That is the opposite.
And so it's helping people buildthat resiliency.
And how you build that is ratherthan focusing on the tension,
focus on making yourself feelextraordinary.
And I and I walk them throughskills that they can develop,
(23:34):
understanding how their nervoussystem works and developing the
skills to strengthen theirresiliency, stretch their
resiliency, soothe theirresiliency, and release tension
that is preventing them frombeing resilient.
And over time, as we build theseskills, we build up our
resiliency, we build up ourextraordinariness.
(23:54):
Like going to the gym, forexample, when you go to the gym
and you feel more powerful, allof a sudden that sense of power
and confidence in your musclebuilds resiliency.
And then finally, the power ofcommunity.
And what I realized is like,look, we're all social human
beings, and you can feelpowerful, you can feel amazing,
you can feel like you're on topof the world.
But if you're on top of theworld alone, you don't feel very
(24:17):
powerful.
And so we need a community ofpeople, which is why this is a
good program that is movingalong this journey of resiliency
that has resiliency in areasthat we don't and inspires us to
move in that direction.
And then also on our days wherewe feel fragile, where we feel
small, to have a community ofpeople that can help lift you
(24:38):
back up to a place ofresiliency.
And so the whole program isbuilt on helping them transform
their mindset, build the skills,and then get comfortable being
in a community that will not letthem settle for anything less
than their most extraordinaryresilient self.
And like that transformation isso powerful because I mean, I've
(24:58):
had people go to this programand say that they went from
having three to five anxiety andpanic attacks a week to three a
month to zero.
Like that's how powerfullearning how to gain stress
resiliency and extraordinarinessis.
SPEAKER_02 (25:57):
You are ordinary.
You know, you find out that lotsof people feel the same way that
you do, and you're not crazy.
So the community aspect isgreat.
And you're not alone.
And you're not alone.
Yeah.
SPEAKER_03 (26:08):
And you're not alone.
Yeah.
Community is is huge.
And and I love your formula.
I love the one, two, three,right?
Mindset, stress resiliencyskills, and community.
And then I love your formula.
Can you share that one moretime?
It's the saying.
SPEAKER_00 (26:24):
Stress resiliency is is how extraordinary you feel
minus how much tension you areexperiencing.
SPEAKER_03 (26:30):
Tension.
Yeah.
SPEAKER_00 (26:31):
Right.
And I think women going throughmidlife, you know, transitions
like this, all of a sudden theamount of tension that you're
experiencing is skyrocketing.
And it makes you feel small, itmakes you feel fragile.
That's why we need to be incommunities of people that
support us and lift up ourresiliency and extraordinariness
because we can't do it alone.
(26:52):
You know, and especially, Ithink one of the things I hear
there is um all of a sudden, youknow, it reminds me of my car
accident.
I got into a car accident and Ijust didn't feel myself anymore.
I felt so small.
And then all of a sudden, youknow, I'm talking to other
people who went through similarexperiences.
I'm like, wow, the story thatI'm telling in my head is much
different from what they'retelling.
You know, they're tellingthemselves that they're they're
(27:12):
they're no longer extraordinary,but I'm like, I see the most
extraordinary person.
And so when you when you feelsmall, but you're surrounded by
people who also feel small andyou see how actually amazing
they are, it reminds you of howamazing you are.
But yes, I know I kind of went alittle off-tangent on that
formula, which is howextraordinary you feel minus how
much tension you have.
unknown (27:30):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_03 (27:32):
It's really good and helpful for our listeners as
well.
I was just uh I sit and Ijournal every morning and I
spend that quiet time 30 minutesby myself, sort of kind of with
my dog, but by myself before therest of the world gets up.
And um, I was just reading thismorning in devotion, very
similar to this, to be sure toshare with other people.
(27:55):
Um, if we want to, if we want tosay how extraordinary they are,
but what what gifts they bring.
When they walk into the room,how do they light up the room
and be sure to tell them thatbecause we're elevating them and
we are building that um stressresiliency, right?
We're we're lifting them andelevating them.
Um and I love that.
I think it's it's a really greatreminder.
(28:18):
There is also a powerfulcontrast between very release
process when it comes to stressmanagement.
And I'm wondering how thosestages differ and why is release
so central to the rest of theprocess?
Can you unpack that a little bitmore for us as well?
SPEAKER_00 (28:38):
Oh, you're going back deep to some of my earlier
work.
Yeah, so I think we have thisidea that we need to hold on to
stress, that stress is needed,that you know, stress is
helpful, but it isn't.
I think stress similar to foodallows us to grow, to be
(29:01):
nourished, right?
But do you hold on to your food?
No.
You process you, you allow, youtake what you need from it, you
process it to help you growstronger, and you let go of the
rest.
And so we need to release it.
We need to let it go because themore we hold on to stress, the
more it actually shows up astension throughout our body,
(29:23):
throughout our emotions,throughout our you know,
physical, mental, spiritual, andand emotional health.
And when we don't talk about it,when we don't have communities,
when we do it all alone, we holdon to it.
When we don't go to the gym, wedon't take time to release.
And releasing can be having abubble bath, a sound, you know,
a sound bath, going to the gym,going for a run, yelling at the
(29:45):
top of your lungs about howangry you are at the world, just
to let it out.
SPEAKER_02 (29:49):
April has a dance party.
SPEAKER_00 (29:52):
Have a dance party because what happens is if you
don't release your stress andtension, you will unleash it
onto your loved ones at theworst.
SPEAKER_01 (30:00):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_00 (30:00):
I mean, possible.
And we all know how that feelslike being the, you know, the
person doing it and unreceivingit.
And so we need to releasetension throughout the day.
Because the number one thingthat causes us to not be able to
be present for the people welove is tension.
Right.
And and you ever go for a run orhave a really good exercise, and
(30:23):
then all the stress that youfelt and experienced just
magically went away.
SPEAKER_03 (30:28):
Yeah.
Yes.
It is true.
It is true.
SPEAKER_00 (30:31):
So yeah.
SPEAKER_03 (30:32):
It's like a pressure cooker, right?
You hold it in, you hold it in,you hold it in, and then the top
pops off.
Yeah.
SPEAKER_02 (30:39):
I went on so many long walks during COVID, it was
crazy because I needed to justrelease the scariness that was
going on around me.
But um, you know, this makes methink about you focus on
understanding and regulating thenervous system.
And lots of people, myselfincluded, most days, don't even
(31:01):
understand what that means.
How do I regulate my um nervoussystem?
Like how what's your frameworkfor building that mind-body
connection so that you canrecognize when this is happening
inside your person as you know,maybe it's not your brain that
realizes that you're stressed,but your body is.
How do you how do you thinkabout that and how do you
(31:23):
connect that?
And how do you release that?
SPEAKER_00 (31:26):
That is such a great question.
I like to oversimplify things.
Um, and so in our minds, we havethe emotional brain and the
executive brain, and we like tothink that our mind talks to our
body, but it does not.
It's very disconnected.
And people who who learn how toconnect them can really do
amazing things.
And so in our body, our body issomething is controlled by
(31:48):
something called the autonomicnervous system.
I just like to call it thenervous system for simplicity's
sakes.
More importantly than anything,um, according to the polyvagal
theory, the nervous system hasthree states.
And but I like to call thestates a little bit different to
make it more accessible.
And those three states for meare one, the safe and social
(32:10):
state.
This is the state in which yourbody feels safe, it feels
social, it can rest, it candigest, it can self-regulate and
heal itself.
And this is the ideal state forall of us to be in.
Right.
And the second state is what Icall the activated state.
The activated state, the statein which you're activated,
you're in motion, you're gettingready to respond, you're getting
(32:31):
ready to go.
I think a lot of medicalproviders say that it's fight or
flight, but I think it's morethan that.
It is movement, fight, andflight.
Right?
When you when it's good, it'shelping you pick up your child,
pick up groceries, and do thingsyou want to do.
But when it goes wrong, theactivated state is also the
fight and flight state.
(32:51):
It's a state in which your bodyis getting ready to fight back,
it's getting ready to run awayand respond to the situation to
keep you safe.
And finally, the final state isthe shutdown state.
The shutdown state is a state inwhich your nervous system has
gone completely awry.
It's it's gone away, it's inchaos.
(33:12):
And you know those moments whereyou yell at somebody and you
think back, why did I do that?
You reach for junk food, youreach for addiction, you reach
for vices, and then you guiltand shame yourself and you
think, Wow, why did I do that?
But I promise you, it's not you.
That's actually your nervoussystem taking control of you
without your consent because youdidn't listen to it.
It entered the shutdown stateand it took action again without
(33:36):
your consent to get you back tothe safe and social state.
You're picking up that snackthat you know you shouldn't eat
because your body is trying touse the snack to feel safe
again.
And so when you think of thosethree states, it's so powerful.
And the thing is, the activatedand the shutdown state allows
you to take action, but you yourbody can't heal.
(33:58):
Your body cannot heal itself, itcannot rest, it cannot digest.
And I think, you know, women whoare going through traumatic
experiences or major lifetransitions, your body is
constantly in the activatedstate.
No wonder why you can't heal, nowonder why you can't sleep.
And so regulating your nervoussystem is really about learning
(34:18):
how to recognize which stateyour nervous system is in,
choosing not to keep itactivated for too long, and
taking breaks and actions tobring it back to the safe and
social state so that you don'tlive in the shutdown state and
take action that causes you alot of work to make up for the
mistakes that you made.
And I can go more into theskills too, but that's kind of
(34:42):
the introduction to how I thinkabout understanding your nervous
system from a very accessiblestandpoint.
unknown (34:47):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_03 (34:48):
Oh, I love that.
And I I I appreciate all of thepractical tips that you're
offering here today, Dad.
I I know everyone that I talk tohas some level of stress.
It varies to to, you know, atdifferent degrees depending on
where they are in life, what'shappening in their lives, but
everyone has a certain amount ofstress.
(35:09):
So I appreciate you offering allof the advice today.
But I want to ask you one morequestion before we leave our
audience here.
Because people are feelingburied, they're feeling
overwhelmed, they're feelingstress.
I'm wondering if you can give usa simple immediate step that our
(35:30):
audience can take to beginshifting from overwhelm.
What can I do today?
One thing to start shifting outof that overwhelm stress state.
SPEAKER_00 (35:41):
I want to say fourth, I want to say um, let me
reflect on that to make itsimple.
Sure.
Build skills.
Go and build skills that helpsimprove your stress resiliency.
Because the number one thingthat I have come to realize
(36:01):
during this work is that stressreduction is a myth and it's a
lie.
Anything we do to reduce ourstress, life will find a way to
fill in the gap and it'snever-ending and endless.
And so when you are constantlytrying to reduce your stress,
it's not very long.
Instead, take the time to buildup your resiliency.
(36:21):
Do things that make you feelextraordinary, even things that
are hard.
And the four things that Iskills that I recommend is one,
learn how to strengthenyourself, take action to
strengthen yourself because thestronger you are, the less
things stress you out.
Because you're strong.
SPEAKER_02 (36:37):
And by strength, you mean like your mind.
SPEAKER_00 (36:40):
Mind, body, yeah, emotions, spirit, yeah, any of
that, right?
And what I mean by that is likego do and build upon skills you
already have, or build upon newskills that are in your comfort
zone.
Go and work out and go to thegym or have hire a personal
trainer that you know allows youto build strength, but again, in
(37:04):
your comfort zone, it isn't toohard.
Stretching is really about doingthings out of your comfort zone.
Because the reality is life willstretch stretch you.
It will stretch you, and if youdon't stretch yourself in
advance, you will break.
And so do things that bring youdiscomfort, but help you in the
long term.
That's really stretching.
But I think the reality is ifthere's one, two skills that are
(37:26):
more important than those, it'slearn how to self-soothe.
Because I think all of us havelearned how to strengthen and
stretch without much uh becauselife has taught us that.
Soothing is really aboutteaching yourself that you don't
need to be on all the time, thatyou can rest, that you are still
amazing, even if you take careof yourself, even if you get a
(37:47):
massage, even if you're not onall the time, learn how to
soothe yourself.
That is such an instrumentalskill that I think so many of us
rely on other people to soothe.
But we haven't taught ourselveshow to do that.
So teaching yourself how tosoothe is really so instrumental
and and and releasing, you know,go take time to release the
stress, but do those threethings and release will come on
(38:09):
its own.
But I think the number one thingis go develop skills that help
you with stress, because whenyou do, you you will no longer
be stressed by the things thatused to stress you out.
SPEAKER_03 (38:23):
Take those baby steps.
Yeah.
Take the baby steps, yeah.
And for those that might need alittle bit of help and still not
sure how to do it on their own,that where can our audience
members find you?
SPEAKER_00 (38:40):
You know, if you feel like you're at a point
where you have ambitions anddreams and you want to be able
to gain the skills to achievethose ambitions and dreams and
the stress that comes above, youknow, with those things, you
know, you can find me at mywebsite or on social media.
Um, I'm on, you know, my websiteis datstresscoach.com.
(39:01):
And my Instagram and LinkedInare also uh at that stresscoach.
And it's like I'm I'm here as aresource, even if you want to
just have a call to have someonethat can support you as a
community member and lift upyour spirits and point you in
the right direction.
I'm I'm here to help make youfeel extraordinary.
SPEAKER_02 (39:21):
I gotta say that's totally true.
You know, when we met with you,we walked away like, oh my gosh.
And also extraordinary.
Yeah.
I do, yeah.
And also, Dad, like just gettingon this podcast with you, like
your style is so calming.
Yes.
I'm like, okay, I can getthrough the rest of my day.
I'm gonna be okay.
I really appreciate that.
(39:41):
You bring that sort of energywith you wherever you go, Dad.
So appreciate that.
Um, okay, so I'm not surewhether we told you this or not,
but we always ask our guests onelast question.
And maybe you know because yousort of fell into a rat hole of
listening to some of ourpodcasts.
But what is the best piece ofadvice you've ever received or
(40:03):
given?
SPEAKER_00 (40:05):
The best piece of advice that I give all the time
is that remember that you areextraordinary and that you are
resilient.
And your extraordinariness andresilience will get you through
anything as long as you don'tforget it.
You are never anything less thanextraordinary.
(40:29):
You know, there might have beentimes where life took that away
from you, but it never did, evenif it felt like it.
And as long as you can retapback into what makes you
extraordinary, you'll be able toget through anything.
And I know something.
SPEAKER_02 (40:44):
No, it doesn't.
And I told the listeners at thebeginning you taught us about
what extraordinary meant, and Ithink you really did a great job
of bringing that to life today.
SPEAKER_00 (40:52):
Yeah, and I and I want to add one more to that,
which is in when I was younger,I I watched an animation when
there was a main character whodidn't believe in himself.
But he had a friend that waslike an old brother that said,
you know, Simone, if if rememberthat if you don't believe in
yourself, I will always be thereto believe in you.
And then the, you know, the thebrother then passes away.
(41:14):
But the the main character isable to overcome any challenge
that comes his way because healways remembered that his
brother believed in him, andthat helped him go through every
single challenge that life senthis way.
And I think I didn't realize whythat made such a difference
until now, which is that when webelieve in ourselves and when we
have people believe in ourextraordinariness, we become
(41:34):
unstoppable at achieving all ofour wildest dreams and
ambitions.
SPEAKER_03 (41:38):
I believe that.
We can't say it better, April.
So I can't.
And like, how do I wrap up theshow with that?
Like exactly I'm gonna, I'mgonna say thank you for making
us feel extraordinary today andfor reminding us of that.
It's been such a pleasure havingyou on the show.
And this topic is extremelyimportant.
(41:59):
Um, it's World Menopause Monthand lifestyle medicine is the
theme.
Stress is a part of lifestylemedicine, and having that stress
resiliency is critical to ourlong-term health, short-term and
long-term health.
So thank you for taking the timeto be on the show today.
Healthing is to feelextraordinary.
(42:20):
And audience, you areextraordinary.
Um, until we meet again, I hopethat you go find joy in the
journey.
Take care.
Bye, everybody.
SPEAKER_00 (42:29):
Bye, everyone.
SPEAKER_03 (42:31):
Thank you for listening to the Medovia
Menopumas podcast.
If you enjoyed today's show,please give it a thumbs up,
subscribe for future episodes,leave a review, and share this
episode with a friend.
Medovia is out to change thenarrative.
Learn more at Medovia.com.
That's M I D O V I A.com.
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