February 11, 2024 • 43 mins
In this deeply personal monologue, Mindi discusses the challenges of being authentic and true to yourself, even when it goes against the grain of societal and familial expectations.
Drawing from her own personal experiences and struggles as an ambitious, independent wildly creative and unconventional woman who was raised in a deeply traditional and conservative environment, Mindi reflects on her journey to allow herself to be the fullest expression of who she is, despite judgment, criticism, disappointment and abandonment of friends and family.
She encourages you to tap into your own internal guidance system, trust your intuition, and have the courage to live a life that is true to yourself - even if it means potentially losing relationships and facing criticism.
00:01 Introduction and the Struggle with Perfectionism
01:08 Childhood Experiences and Parental Expectations
06:56 The Journey of Self-Discovery and Embracing Individuality
14:13 The Challenges of Being a Single Parent
16:47 Breaking Societal Norms and Pursuing Personal Goals
19:25 The Importance of Authenticity and Self-Acceptance
21:23 Overcoming Criticism and Embracing Unconventional Paths
24:22 The Power of Intuition and Spiritual Guidance
41:55 Conclusion: Embracing Your Unique Journey
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Mindi Lyons (00:01):
Today there's something on my heart that I
want to share and you may behearing my cat pumpkin in the
background because she is beinga very needy needskins this
morning.
In any case the topic that Iwant to talk about today has a
lot to do with people puttingtheir projections on you.
And how that impacts your life.
(00:21):
I'm gonna let myself ramble onthis and not even worry about
cutting parts out because one ofthe things that has kept me from
even recording these podcasts ismy own perfectionism tendencies
and wanting everything to soundexactly the way it should and
have all my thoughts formulatedtogether in a way that is
cohesive and makes sense andtranslates my message in the way
(00:42):
that I desire for it totranslate to.
But I just want to flow on this.
I don't want to be overthinkingit.
So yeah, it's going to beimperfect, but that's okay
because that's the whole name ofthe game right now is messy
action, imperfect action.
And being an example of how Justdoing the thing that you're
inspired to do and not lettingyour overthinking patterns to
keep you from doing that thing.
(01:03):
That's what I'm about right now.
And that's what I'm wanting toexample to anybody who is
listening here.
So what brought this topic to mymind was getting a text
yesterday from my mom.
And this is not to be negativeabout my mom.
It's just something that hasbeen a theme in my life with my
parents, my upbringing, and alsowith, you know, know that
(01:24):
anybody has these types of.
Things.
So the text message was aarticle about a school that I
used to go to, and it wastalking about how they had some
sort of an agricultural program.
And she was saying that shewished that the school had that
type of a program when I was inschool.
(01:44):
And I knew that the underlyingreason why she wanted that was
because they really, my parentsreally value wanting to have you
know, like your own food, to beoff the grid.
I had a very, very uniqueupbringing.
I was I was raised extremelyconservatively, like on the
extreme.
We didn't even have You know,like electricity, sometimes
(02:08):
didn't have working plumbing fora long time.
We lived way out in themountains.
Really nobody around us.
Anyways, that's not the pointthat I'm wanting to get into
right now.
The point being was that she wassaying, I wish that you could
have done this.
You know, I wish that this wasavailable to you so that you
could have learned how to havegardening skills.
And I just responded saying kindof like in a, I don't know, in
(02:34):
a, in a lighthearted way thatthat was not something that I
was ever, you know, inspired todo.
And she kind of responded sayingsomething along the lines of
maybe you missed your calling.
And she was saying it in ajoking way, but it was just one
of those things where there wasthat underlying, it just brought
up this topic in me.
That I wanted to talk about of Iwish that you were something
(02:57):
that you're not and that was atheme that showed up regularly
throughout my childhood was thatI was my parents wanted me to be
different than the way that Ifelt that I was or that I
Innately just knew that I wasSo, for example I demonstrated
musical talent very, very earlyon in my childhood.
(03:19):
And for some reason, I'm noteven sure why at this point, but
my dad was someone who reallywanted to have music in his
family, but he was also raisedvery conservatively.
And so there were very strictrules about music in our
household.
I was very into when I wasgrowing up.
I was very, very into artistslike Mariah Carey Michael Bolton
(03:45):
who's the Whitney Houston,Celine Dion, like those were the
people that I used to, I taughtmyself how to sing by listening
to their albums, but I had tokeep my albums hidden because
when my dad had found out that Iwas listening to that music.
He took all of my music and hetold me that he buried my music
in the backyard and that hewould let me know where it was
(04:07):
when I turned 18.
So, we weren't allowed to listento conservative music.
That was, I mean notconservative to rock music.
That was, you know, banned.
That was not okay.
My mom didn't have thestrictness around it that my dad
did.
But, in any case, my dad for, Ithink it was my 8th grade
graduation present, he hadbought a bunch of music
(04:27):
equipment.
No, we were not by any means,well, we were not even a middle
class family.
I mean, I was raised very, verypoor.
And so music equipment, youknow, that was a big deal.
So he had bought.
All this music equipment, asynthesizer, a mixing board,
speakers, basically everythingthat I would need to be able to
(04:49):
record music.
And the rule was that I couldhave that equipment as long as I
did not play drums in any of mymusic.
That's a whole side tangent.
I'm not even going to get intoit.
So many people are like, whycould you not have drums in your
music?
But it was a conservative thingand it was just part of how I
was brought up.
So, I remember back then, evenback then, saying, well, I don't
(05:12):
want this gift then if there arethose types of conditions on it.
Anyways, I, I ended up havingthe, the equipment, recording
some music.
And later on in my life, thefirst time I became a single
parent, I was 21 and my youngestdaughter was two years old at
the time.
And back then is when I embarkedon my first journey with music.
(05:37):
So I felt inspired to share mystory of what I was going
through at the time and also mysinging.
So I started doing concerts allaround the country every, I
don't know, a couple months orso traveled all over the place
and did concerts where I wouldshare my story and I would share
(05:57):
music.
I sang Christian music at thetime.
And I remember the first concertthat I did was in Colorado and
it was just a surreal experiencethat people would actually come
to listen to me and hear what Ihad to say.
And the, the things that theywould tell me at the end of the
concerts were just so validatingand you know, really showing me
(06:19):
that I had a gift, which I knewI had a gift, but it was like
the first time other thansinging for church where people
were like, we really want tohear.
You sing and your heart andyou're witty and you're funny
and it's the way you expressyourself So this is how this is
one of the first times that Ireally understood that I had a
gift for not only singing butalso for speaking and for being
(06:42):
able to communicate the thingsin my life that I had been
through in a way that otherpeople could see themselves
woven in my story and Be able tocreate those moments of
connection and help them knowthat they weren't alone in
whatever they were goingthrough.
So that was one of the timeswhere, you know, I started
getting into this, into themusic space.
(07:03):
And I remember just beingpetrified at the thought of my
dad being at one of my concertsbecause some of the music that I
would sing did have drums in thebackground.
I did not have a band, so I usedaccompaniment tracks is what we
called them.
So they were just, you know, prerecorded soundtracks that I
would sing to, and there weredrums in some of them, even
(07:25):
though some of them were very,very conservative.
And I did stay on a veryconservative side.
There were some drums in them.
And I don't remember how manyconcerts it had been, but I did
not even do a local concert inmy local town for a long time
because I didn't want there tobe any chance of people who were
in my life, you know in a closeproximity way in my hometown to
(07:46):
come to my concert.
I didn't even want that.
So.
I did end up at some point doinga concert in my hometown and I
remember seeing my dad walk inand him sitting down and I was
so scared because I knew whatwas going to happen with my
music.
And I saw his expression, youknow, sitting there and his, the
(08:09):
disappointment on his face, theanger.
At least this is how Itranslated it.
Maybe that wasn't how he wasfeeling, but that is how I
translated.
I'm very empathetic.
And so I noticed your, your bodylanguage.
I noticed your expressions.
I noticed what you say and whatyou don't say.
I noticed all of it.
I pick up on the energy andplus, you know, just my whole
life experience.
I knew how he felt about thesethings.
(08:30):
So it was just utterdisappointment.
It was I just knew by, you know,the way that he was like, had
his hands crossed over his chestthat he was just like very
closed off and was not proud ofme at all.
So that, that kind of thingreally stuck with me through my
upbringing.
And there were numerous timeswhere things like this happened
that sent me the message thatyou are making the wrong
(08:53):
decision.
The choices that you are makingare not the choices that we
would have for you.
We're disappointed in you.
So another thing that showed upwhen I was a kid was that I was
It turned out that I was verynaturally gifted at ice skating
and I freaking loved iceskating.
There was something aboutgliding across the ice that just
made me feel wild and free andlike I was on top of the world.
(09:16):
And so for whatever reason, Idon't even remember why, but my
mom had signed me up for Iceskating lessons and the teachers
noticed that I was naturallygifted and because I had been
skating several times and Iwould teach myself different
things that I would see peopledoing, I used to watch, you
know, the Olympic skating videosand so I taught myself how to
(09:37):
skate backwards and I taughtmyself how to do, you know,
certain techniques and how to dolittle spins and things like
that.
And so when I started doing iceskating lessons, I Was able to
advance through different levelsof classes in one day because I
had I had taught myself theskills from You know several of
those different levels and I sobadly wanted to be an Olympic
(10:00):
ice skater That was what I wasgonna do with my life I told my
mom I really want to be anOlympic ice skater and I was
very gifted at it And I know myteachers would even say that I
could have gone really far withthat because I just had a
natural gift for it but Thekibosh was put on that because
(10:21):
of the, the skating costumes,the skating costumes were very
immodest and, and we didn't, myparents didn't believe in you
know, wearing that type ofclothing or wearing anything
that, you know, drew attentionto your body or really drew
attention to yourself.
So my dream of being an Olympicice skater was.
(10:41):
you know, not going to happenbecause I did not have the
support to be able to takeongoing lessons and things like
that.
And again, this is not becauseI'm trying to say a bunch of
negative things about myparents.
You know, they, they had theirown journey.
That was their own path in life.
They were doing the best thatthey could with the information
that they had and how they werebrought up and, and, you know,
how.
(11:01):
Who they were at the time andall of that.
So my point is just that allthroughout my childhood with the
people, you know, the people inyour life who you have learned
to listen to and to be sort oflike the authority on what is
okay and what is not okay, evenwhen it doesn't feel Like, you
can tell, at least I could, frommy early age when something was
(11:24):
meant for me, or whether itwasn't, or whether it resonated
with me, or it didn't.
And there were certain thingsthat I was taught that just
weren't okay or right but I justfelt within myself that I was
like, that doesn't feel rightfor me though.
I don't subscribe to that.
That belief or that theory orwhatever it is And I remember
(11:44):
even things that were mm hmm.
I don't know how to say this ButI remember when I would have
dolls and my mom would would saythings like oh You're gonna be
such a good mother someday cuzshe would watch how I'd play
with my dolls and I don't knowwhat the deal was or why I had
such a I don't know if it was ajaded view, but I did not want
(12:07):
to be a mother.
When I was growing up, Iremember thinking that I did not
want to have children and Ofcourse, fast forward now, I have
three children and I love themdearly and I'm very happy that I
have a mother.
But my mom was very much the oldschool and I'm just going to
call this old school.
You can have your own opinionsabout it, but you know, my mom
(12:27):
was all about that traditional,you know, the man works, brings
home the living.
The woman is the one that'ssupposed to stay home, cook,
clean, take care of the kids.
You know, that very, verytraditional.
Woman and man role, and there'snothing wrong with that.
That's the way that younavigate, you know, your world.
That's totally fine.
But I was someone who has alwaysbeen extremely driven.
(12:52):
I'm ambitious.
I was, ever since I was young, Ihad big goals, big visions.
I had.
When I say vision, sometimespeople can get a little bit
weird about that, but I wouldhave in my mind's eye, I could
see, I felt like God gave methese visions of where my life
was going to go and I was goingto be singing on stages.
I was going to be speaking onstages and in front of big
(13:12):
crowds and I was going to.
you know, have this, this lifethat was me being very much in
front of the public eye andbeing someone who is very
impactful to large amounts ofpeople through my singing and my
speaking.
That's something that I just hadin my core, the core of my being
from when I was very little.
(13:33):
I did not see myself as beingthat traditional, you know, mom
staying at home doing all thecooking and cleaning and like
being that person who doesn't doanything like your job is that
you need to be the mom to yourkids and the wife to your
husband and all of that.
So that was something that wasnot you know, my, my mom wanted
(13:56):
me to be that.
type of role and she just didnot relate to me being this very
ambitious driven type.
So in fact, when I became asingle parent the first time my
parents really really wanted meto be able to be home with my
daughter.
And so at that time, like Isaid, I was 21 years old.
(14:16):
I had a two year old daughterand I did at that time, My first
husband was put in prison and soI moved back in with my parents
so that I had someone to helptake care of my daughter while I
went off to work.
So later on in life, I know I'mlike, hopefully you guys are
following this because I knowI'm all over the board with
(14:38):
this, but later on in life, likenow, you know, fast forward to
the present time or even when Ibecame a single parent for the
second time.
Yes, I've been married twice andboth, both instances ended up in
a devastatingly awful situation,but I'm not going to get into
that right now.
The fact is I did become a, asolo parent again in 2016 and I
(15:02):
had three kids then.
So I had my oldest and then atthe time, I think my youngest
two were around five and sixyears old.
So at the time my parents wantedme to move back in with them.
I am big about being independentand, you know, making my own way
and I, I did not want to dothat.
I didn't do that.
And I remember my dad beingvery, very against me going to
(15:26):
work and, and creating a livingfor my family, you know, I
should be home.
I should have a husband.
I should have someone that'ssupporting me so that I can be
home with the kids.
And there was just very, veryheavy judgment around that.
And I did not understand that atall.
It's like, I'm supposed to besupporting my family.
How can, how can someone looknegatively at me for doing the,
what I perceive to be theresponsible thing, which is
(15:47):
providing a living for myfamily.
I didn't have a husband doingthat for me.
So, and even if I did, that'sthe thing, my personality.
I'm not someone that just wantsto sit home and just be the
housewife.
I'm someone that I just knewthat I had an impact that I was
here to make.
And.
That I did not subscribe to thebelief that I just needed to be
(16:07):
home cooking and cleaning andtaking care of the kids.
I wanted to make my own way andeven if I did marry someone who,
you know, was wealthy or couldprovide for us, I wasn't, I'm
not looking for a sugar daddy.
I was not someone that was, youknow, wanting to just live off
of someone else being able tosupport me.
I wanted to be able to create myown living.
There was something about beingable to create my When I say my
(16:30):
own income, it's not to say thatall of my money is my money and
that I'm not going to share it.
It's not that it's just, I wantit to be.
The person who generated theincome, I guess you could say
that.
So I didn't want to be fullyfinancially dependent on someone
else.
I liked the feeling of beingable to generate money.
And to be able to put mycreative ideas to work.
(16:50):
To be able to, you know, use mygiftings in ways that I was
feeling called or inspired todo.
So my point is that there was alot of shame around being me.
And I was also someone who wasvery, I loved sparkly things.
I remember always looking atearrings and thinking that they
were so beautiful.
And I was taught that wecouldn't wear jewelry because
you're attracting You know,attention to yourself and I
(17:11):
loved wearing makeup.
It's like I saw makeup as a formof art It's like I got to play
with all these different funlooks But I could only do that
at home and not when my dad wasaround so basically I got this
message that everything that wasunique to me that I felt was
unique to me as a person that Iwas I was creative.
I was, I loved makeup.
(17:31):
I loved sparkles.
I loved fancy things.
I loved working.
I loved lifting weights.
That was another one.
I loved working out.
I loved muscle and I wanted tobe, you know, very, very fit and
maybe even be a bodybuilder.
You know, I, I don't know.
I explored those things.
I remember when I was 14 yearsold.
You either 13 or 14.
I did some babysitting work inexchange for a weight bench
(17:54):
because I wanted to, I was superinto fitness and I don't even
know why that was not somethingthat was ingrained in me.
My parents weren't into fitnessand they certainly weren't
supportive of the type offitness that I wanted to do.
Which was what they wouldconsider to be more on the I
guess vein spectrum because Iwanted muscle and you know, it's
not natural fitness of justrunning or walking or doing, you
(18:15):
know, Being out in nature orgardening or like getting a fit
body, doing things that arenatural.
It was like an unnatural way ofgetting fit.
So even the way, like the typeof workouts that I liked were
not okay.
The type of careers that Iwanted were not okay.
The type of music I wanted tosing or that I listened to were
not okay.
The type of parenting style thatI felt when I did have kids was
(18:38):
what I wanted for my family.
It was not Was not okay.
It was like literally I couldnot find a Part of myself that
was acceptable according to thestandard that I was brought up
with.
And I remember feeling so sadabout that.
Desperately wanting to feelaccepted and to feel I knew that
(19:00):
my parents loved me, but Iwanted to have them be proud of
me.
I think that that's most kidsdesire.
Is for their parents to feelproud of them.
And there were times when theywould say that they were proud
of me, but it was usually ifthere was something happening
where I was conforming to youknow, what they thought I should
do or, you know, how thingsshould go for me.
And that didn't feel good to mebecause that wasn't feeling like
(19:20):
I was actually living the lifethat I genuinely wanted to live.
It was more about conforming towhat they wanted for me.
So I remember when I finallycame to the point.
where I, it occurred to me thatthe person that I would need to
be in order to have essentiallytheir stamp of approval, I
didn't even agree with that.
I didn't even want that.
(19:41):
So it was.
It's essentially a fruitlessendeavor to even try to be
someone who was fully embraced,fully celebrated, you know, to,
for them to be proud of mebecause in order to be that
person, I wouldn't even be me.
I wouldn't, I wouldn't be doingthe things that felt good or
right for me.
(20:02):
I wouldn't even, I literallywould not be me.
I would literally have to be notme in order for them to.
Fully embrace me for all that Iwas, I could not be all that I
was and have them feel like Iwas on track or that I was a
good person or that I would, Idon't know how to explain it.
(20:24):
I'm sure people out here rightnow listening to this are like,
I completely understand whatyou're saying because I've been
there, I understand what that'slike, or they can at least you
know, understand what I'm, whatI'm describing, but it was very,
it was a very heartbreaking.
Moment of clarity.
And yet it was also one of thosemoments of clarity that it was
like from a logical perspective,it helped me release a lot of my
(20:47):
my.
That, that really strong pull atmy heart to want to have their
approval and acceptance becauseonce I realized that I couldn't
even be me in order to havetheir approval and acceptance,
like what kind of a life isthat?
I don't even want that.
So it was like this definingmoment that was like, I will
never have it and that's okaybecause in order for me to have
it, I would never even want tobe that person.
(21:09):
So that did create some veryinteresting dynamics.
You know, unfortunately, I donot have a close relationship
with almost anybody in myfamily.
And I'm not going to go into allof that, but I, I guess I just
really, this was all my heart toshare because.
Throughout your life, you know,it's not just my parents that
that's happened, but there'sgoing to be people around you
(21:30):
and especially society, youknow, you're going to be seeing
posts on social media, you'regoing to have friends and
coworkers and you know,relationships, people who are
going to have an opinion aboutwhat you're doing and I have
always, always felt that my lifewas intentionally meant to be
non traditional because I wasput here to be Essentially, a
(21:52):
bit of a trailblazer to be ableto show the people who are like
me, who are the black sheep, whoare the people that are the
weird ones, the ones that don'treally fit in, that don't feel
almost like, almost like havinga rebel attitude where you're,
you just know that you're notmeant to conform.
You're not meant to be one ofthe people that is walking the
same direction as everybodyelse, that there's something
different for you.
(22:14):
Even though that's veryuncomfortable because you tend
to be the person who is, youknow, kind of looked at with a
critical eye, especially.
When I was a solo parent, oh mygosh, you would think that
people would be a lot moreunderstanding and compassionate.
And I had never experienced somuch hate, so much criticism, so
much judgmentalness from peopleas when I've been a single
(22:35):
parent.
It's almost like they look atyou with much more you know,
it's like.
They want to see if you're goingto take a misstep because it's
like, Oh, ha, ha.
Look at her.
You know, she's, that's becauseshe's a single parent and look
at how she's messing up her kidsbecause it's like, if her kids
make a mistake, a hundredpercent of that accountability
is on me because I'm theirparent.
So when I have made some wildlyridiculous decisions from, a
(23:01):
outsider's perspective one ofthem being completely relocating
my family from Texas toCalifornia back in 2017, that
Most people thought was a stupiddecision.
Why would I be going toCalifornia?
It's one of the most expensiveplaces to live.
I was uprooting my kids.
You know, there were just all ofthese different things to factor
(23:21):
in.
At the time my car had died, soI didn't even have my own
working car and I didn't have ajob lined up.
I didn't have you know, therewere So many unknowns, but I
knew that I knew that I knewthat I knew that I knew.
I just knew that I was beingcalled to go there, even though
I did not understand why.
But I have developed a verystrong relationship spiritually
(23:42):
and I don't want to get into alot of talk about spirituality
because I know there's a lot ofpeople who have had very bad
experiences in the church orwith people in the church.
And I'm not sitting here tryingto say that, you know, you need
to adopt my belief system oranything like that.
That's not even what this isabout.
And my views, on that note onspirituality and religion and
(24:02):
church and all those differentthings have dramatically shifted
over the years as I have reallythe second time being single.
And when I moved to California,I really got a chance to re
evaluate.
What do I believe?
What do I not believe?
What is just tradition and whatis, what are the things that I
actually believe, believe aretrue at my core to my own
Experience spiritually.
(24:22):
I really developed a very strongspirituality through all of the
things that I've navigated inlife.
And I really learned to tap intomy spiritual guidance, my
internal guidance, my gutinstinct, my intuition that
became.
the guiding force in my life formaking all of my decisions.
And at the time I, I knew like,I knew that I was meant to go
(24:47):
there to California, even thoughI didn't understand why.
And I picked my family up and Ileft and I completely rebuilt
our lives in California.
And this podcast isn't aboutthat specific thing.
But my point was that I made avery ludicrously wild From the
outside perspectiveirresponsible decision and so
there was a lot of criticismabout that I had criticism about
(25:10):
literally everything so I usedto be someone who is an extreme
people pleaser I couldn't standthe thought of people
Disagreeing with my decisions orfeeling like I was you know
walking the wrong path or That Iwould somehow disappoint someone
or that people would be talkingbehind my back and all of the
experiences that I've beenthrough I have had to develop a
(25:32):
Strong basically like a, a thickskin and a, a, a strong spine
for things like this.
And I'm very grateful for thataspect of the personal
development from the things thatI've been through because I went
from being someone who is veryinsecure and a very big people
pleaser to being someone who isvery confident and who is not
(25:54):
sort of like Determining my ownvalue or my own credibility or
my own self worth from the eyesof other people and what they
think of me because I reallylearned that what people think
of me or how they view thedecisions that I make are really
just from the lens that they arechoosing to view life through.
And that has nothing to do withme.
(26:15):
It really has.
Nothing to do with me unless Imake it have something to do
with me.
So, there are people who, youknow, have thought that I was
you know, because I didn'tpursue the college route.
I, the highest level ofeducation I had was high school
and a lot of people would lookdown on me for that because I
wasn't one of those people thatwas well educated.
(26:35):
And, for example, my oldersister is very well educated.
So, there was automatically thisimbalance in, you know, my older
sister was considered, quote,more successful.
Successful than I was because Ionly got as far as high school.
And in reality, I've learnedthat education, and this is
again not the topic for thispodcast, but I have a very
unpopular belief abouteducation, and I think that it's
(26:56):
becoming a more and more widelyaccepted view, but.
Education to me is not adetermining factor for your
value, your authentic value as ahuman being.
There are so many people in thisworld who have become from the
world's standards.
Many people would consider, youknow, financial success, career
success to be a prettysignificant form of success.
(27:19):
And there are so many people whohave.
Become massively successful inbusiness and in finances who
never completed high school orwho didn't complete college.
I mean, I could go on and onabout this topic.
I'm not bashing people whochoose to go that route, but I
have found that society puts alot of pressure.
Not so much now.
(27:39):
I really think that, that theworld is taking a turn on this,
but it used to be that youweren't really somebody unless
you had a degree.
It used to be that you couldn'teven make the type of income.
That a person with a degreecould make.
I have proven that completelywrong.
I, even in my career I developeda very strong income, even with
(28:00):
just a high school education inthe corporate realm.
And I made a lot more money thanmany of my friends who had
degrees.
And so I completely.
And then I also proved thetheory wrong that you can't be
even more successful as anentrepreneur.
You know, here I am anentrepreneur, the sole support,
(28:20):
I have never gotten a penny incustody in sorry, not custody
and child support.
And I made massively amountmassively more money as an
entrepreneur, as I did.
In my corporate career, eventhough I did do very well in my
corporate career, despite onlyhaving a high school education,
(28:40):
but a lot of people have lookedat me as, Oh, she's just someone
who has a high school education.
They're not looking at.
You know, the career success,the financial success and things
like that.
And there are people who aremassively unhappy.
You know, they might havedegrees or multiple degrees, and
they may even be making whatsociety would consider to be
very, very good money.
(29:01):
And yet they're extremelyunhappy.
They're very unfulfilled.
They're.
Stressed out.
They have no life balance.
And you know, a lot of timesthat's from societal pressures
that you can't really do well inlife unless you have a degree or
because of family pressures ofparents saying, you know, I was
a doctor.
You should be a doctor.
I was a lawyer.
You should be a lawyer or I hadthis degree.
You should get a degree or, youknow, putting all of this
(29:23):
external pressure On someoneeven if that isn't authentically
what they feel true forthemselves I was never the only
degree that I was interested ingrowing up was to get a degree
in physical fitness because Ifor so many years growing up
wanted to be a personal trainerAnd so that would be the only
direction I would want to go orin business But business doesn't
(29:43):
teach you how to be anentrepreneur.
And I always wanted to learn howto be a successful entrepreneur.
I never wanted to be someonethat built someone else's dream.
I always, always, always wantedto be someone that was building
the ladder that other peoplewere climbing.
I wanted to be the person thatwas doing my thing and setting
my own schedule.
And it was unconventional.
And even when I was growing up,it was not as popular of a.
(30:05):
of a thing to, you know, bebuilding your own thing versus
working for someone else,because it's like, you're not
getting a pension.
You're not getting benefits.
You're not getting the steadypaycheck, you know, what if,
what if, what if, what if itdoesn't work out?
What if, what if, what if?
And I have, man, I have livedthrough so many what if
circumstances, and I haveabsolutely been flat on my face
with life circumstances numeroustimes, but I have my voice is
(30:29):
cracking.
I have learned.
So much for my experience.
And I have been someone whoother people can look at how
I've navigated my life and thatit isn't traditional.
And I feel like the way that Ihave lived my life and now that
I'm sharing more about itpublicly, more and more people
are going to be able to be like,this resonates with me so much.
Thank you that you are being avoice that is sharing things
(30:50):
that I've been feeling andcouldn't quite put words to, or
I was just wishing that therewas someone out there who could
understand.
You know me and how I think andhow I operate.
And there are so many peoplethat if we were actually being
open about our experiences, itwould help create a lot more
sense of community and a lotmore sense of you know, people
being seen and understood intheir different ways of
(31:12):
thinking.
That's one of the reasons whyI've decided to share these
things on a podcast form, eventhough some of it isn't
necessarily the most comfortablething to share, because of
course there's always gonna be.
People with their opinions, youknow, disagreeing with what,
what it is that I have to say.
And that's totally fine.
You know, I'm not here to try toconvince people to see things
from my perspective.
The reason why I share isbecause I think that there is
(31:34):
value in sharing yourexperiences because there are
other people out there who canbenefit from what you have to
say and for what your messageis.
We all have a different message.
We all have our uniqueexperiences and everybody has
value in.
What you the life that you havelived and ensuring that life
because it does createconnection with other people in
my sharing I want people to beable to Say me too.
(31:56):
You know what?
I'm sharing something.
I want them to be like, oh mygosh me too because it helps
them feel more Connected and tofor them to know that they
aren't alone and whatever it is.
They're going through so I Amsharing all of this today to
tell you if you are someone whois Feeling like you don't belong
feeling like you want So and soto be proud of you, maybe it's
(32:18):
your parents, maybe it's yourspouse, maybe it's your friends
who don't understand.
I have people in my life who,the people who they hold
closest, who they hold mostdear, whose opinions are the
most impactful, influential intheir own lives, those people
are disagreeing with decisionsthat they're making.
(32:39):
And it's so hard, it is so hardwhen the very people that you so
badly want their approval andacceptance are the very people
who are the ones that aredisagreeing with you, trying to
talk you into a different way ofthinking or to doing something
different.
And even if they know stronglythat they really believe that
whatever it is that they'redoing or the decision that
(33:01):
they're making or the careerthat they're.
Pursuing or whatever it is.
And then the people who aretheir closest to in their lives
are the ones that are saying,no, this is wrong.
You shouldn't be doing this.
And it's like, it's, it's sohard because it's like, they can
feel the disconnect where ifthey continue pursuing this,
this route, whatever that is.
It's, it's going to create aawkward dynamic in the
(33:24):
relationship.
And so it goes through thispoint of almost feeling there's
like almost like a grieving amourning period because you
realize that some of yourrelationships may never be the
same again.
Some of your relationships mayactually disconnect from you
completely.
You may lose some people in yourlife by being you.
I mean, even saying those words,isn't that sad?
(33:45):
It's like you can have a lot ofSadness, as you're becoming more
aware of who you are and as youare really owning more of who
you are.
And when you're learning, like,you know what?
I actually don't feel like I'msupposed to live my life this
other way that I was taught.
And I really genuinely believe,or I really genuinely am giving
(34:05):
myself permission to be theperson that.
Walks this other path, eventhough I understand that it's
going to potentially mean that Iam not going to have certain
people in my life anymore, thatis one of the most hardest and
bravest things that you can dois when you know that being you,
being fully yourself is going tomean a That you will lose
(34:30):
certain people in your life thatwere important to you.
I've had that happen so manytimes.
People in my life that I thoughtwere my ride or die.
People in my life that were mybest friends.
People in my life who were myclosest to that knew the
innermost parts of myself that Ihad shared things that I didn't
want to share with anybody.
And losing those people and thenbeing like, Oh my gosh, you
(34:51):
know, how can I feel safe when Ipoured my heart out to these
people where these were myclosest friends, the people in
my life who meant the most tome, the people in my life who I
literally thought would always,always, always be in my life.
I never had a doubt that, okay,this person is someday going to
betray me or this person is, youknow, going to completely vanish
(35:13):
out of my life for no reason orfor no reason that was ever made
known to me.
They just disappeared.
No communication, no contact.
And there was no explanation asto why.
You're going to most likely, ifyou're choosing to live this
kind of a path where you're justgoing to be you, be authentic,
to speak your voice, to shareyour truth.
(35:33):
And a lot of people sadly arekeeping themselves in the
shadows who are conforming toways of living or beliefs or
traditions that they don't even.
agree with anymore, that they,that actually feel very icky and
feel very like, I'm not eventhis person.
Why am I even acting like this?
Or why am I even doing this whenthis doesn't even feel like me?
(35:54):
But so many people are doingthat because of what other
people will think or because ofthe consequence, meaning that
they might lose those friends orthey might lose.
They're basically perceiving theloss and they're viewing the
loss as being too much, toocostly.
In comparison with beingthemselves fully expressed and
(36:14):
that to me is a very sad thingbecause I feel like you should
always Give yourself thepermission even if it doesn't
follow traditional Standards orsociety norms or whoever's
opinion you want to be acceptingof you Even if it goes against
all of that to me, there isnothing that is more How do I
(36:40):
say it?
I'm just gonna say words thatcome to my mind instead of
trying to overthink and find theexact word.
But, it's painful not being you.
It is, it is a very strongfeeling of disconnectedness, of
not being fully yourself.
And even though I have lostfriends and my life has made
changes that I didn't evenexpect, To be part of my
(37:02):
experience where people have,you know, shifted out of my life
or things have just, you knowtaken a turn that I maybe wasn't
expecting by making thedecisions that I've made.
Even if those things happen,there's some sort of comfort and
peace and ease that comes with,you know what, but I was being
me.
I was making the decisions thatI felt were right for me at the
(37:23):
time.
And.
That feels good.
Even if whatever the quoteunquote consequence of that,
there were parts of it thatdidn't feel good.
If I was being truly authenticto me, like for me sharing this
podcast right now, if there'ssomeone in my life that hears us
and they're like, you know what?
If that's the way Mindy thinks,Oh my God, I can't believe that
(37:45):
Mindy doesn't believe thateverybody should have a college
education.
I can't believe that Mindythinks that, you know, women
shouldn't have to be.
At home, just taking care of thekids and cooking and cleaning,
like, how dare she think thatshe can go and have a successful
career and be raising childrenby herself?
How dare she think that she cango against the societal norms of
(38:10):
what a woman should be doing, orespecially what a single woman
should be doing?
You know what?
If somebody hears that, hearsthis podcast, and hears my
points of view, and so stronglydisagrees my Perspective and the
way that I have personallychosen to navigate through my
own life.
(38:31):
I actually am totally fine withthat.
And that's part of my own selfgrowth is getting to the point
where other people's strongopinions of me or how I choose
to navigate my life.
I'm not going to say that theydon't matter at all because I'm
human and I think there is justsort of an innate desire for us
to want to be accepted and towant people to agree with us or
(38:52):
to want to feel like they atleast understand us, but I have
for sure come to the point whereI don't, do not expect people,
even though I would love, itwould be nice to be understood,
but I have learned that You justcan't.
There are so many differentpeople who have so many
differing opinions that you cannever ever be so So accepted by
(39:18):
people that everybody's gonna behappy with what you do what you
say It's just not gonna happenand you wouldn't want it to be
happen because how many ways areyou gonna have to shape shift
and be?
a chameleon To conform to whateverybody thinks that you should
do It's just never gonna happennor would you want it to happen
if you really in your heart ofhearts?
If you really are honest withyourself about it, you would not
even want that to happen becauseof what it would do to you.
(39:40):
So many people have destroyedthemselves internally.
They've literally becomeunrecognizable to themselves.
They don't even know who theyare anymore at their core
because they have spent so muchof their life trying to make
everybody else happy, where theyfeel like they've completely
lost connection to the core ofwho they actually are.
That was what was happening tome.
so concerned about what otherpeople thought of me and what
(40:02):
they thought I should be doingor what I should be saying.
I didn't want to rock the boat.
I didn't want to be adisappointment to the extent
that I.
Essentially could not even tapinto the core of who I was
anymore because I didn't even,it was hard to even recognize
who was she.
I got so far away from what feltauthentic to me, that I, I had a
(40:23):
hard time even knowing what mytruth was.
And I really believe a huge partof why I ended up.
And that's why I started gettingcalled to go to California was
to be able to dissociate myselffrom all of the voices, the
influences that were in my life,just basically telling me you
need to do this if you're goingto be a good person, you know,
you need to follow this set ofrules in order for you to be in
(40:45):
heaven, you know, like all ofthe different things that I had
been taught I needed to, to liveand to be like in order to be a
good person or in order to beable to you know, from like the,
the church standpoint orwhatever, you know, Bye.
All of that, I needed to getaway from that in order to be
able to really feel into and beable to have the, the spiritual
(41:08):
guidance to tap into like, no,this is what the truth actually
is.
This is, this is what your lifepath is actually meant to be.
And my life path is so freakingdifferent, so different than
what I thought or what I wastaught that it should be.
It's complete opposite, like itcouldn't even be more polar
opposite than the way that I wastaught and That makes it very
(41:31):
challenging.
Like I said with familyrelationships, but I just know I
know in my core I can feel it inmy being that this is my path
and I don't need other peopleto, for one thing, understand
it, even though it's nice whenthat happens, and I don't need
anybody else to approve of it,because it's my path.
This is my life to live.
(41:51):
I don't need anybody else toagree with the way that I live
my life.
And so, I'm wanting to tell youout there that I, if you're a
human living on this planet, youare going to be subject to
people disagreeing with you.
And it might be someone thinkingthat you should have had a
different career.
It might be someone thinkingthat you should have had
different education.
(42:12):
It might be someone thinkingthat, you know, they don't agree
with the choices that you'remaking or the ways that you're
parenting.
Maybe you don't want kids andpeople think you should have
kids.
Maybe you have kids and peoplethink you shouldn't have had
kids.
Maybe people are disapprovingabout the relationship that
you're in, or maybe people arethinking, Oh my God, you're
single, you should have apartner.
And maybe you're feeling totallyokay being single.
Maybe you're having, you knowsociety pressures on, you need
(42:35):
to live a certain lifestyle thatyou know, you don't feel is
authentic to you.
Maybe you are someone who enjoysfiner things in life, and so
people are kind of judging youabout, you know, there are
people who could use your money.
Why are you spending your moneyfrivolously?
I mean, people have an opinionabout every single freaking
thing.
And I'm trying to tell you toGive yourself the permission to
(42:59):
tap into the uniqueness of whoyou are.
I am big about followingspiritual guidance.
I'm big about following your ownintuition, your own gut
instinct.
And one of the things that I aimto do and that my intention is,
is to help people learn how totap into their own internal
guidance system.
Because it's there, you will beable to feel in your body when
something doesn't resonate.
(43:20):
So this has gotten way longerthan what I had intended, not
that I had any specificintention of how long I was
going to talk about this, but Ijust wanted to give myself the
permission to come on here andjust let it, let it freaking
rip.
Just this is something I'm verypassionate about and I wanted to
just let myself talk about ithowever it was going to come
out.
And this is what came out today.
(43:40):
If you found value in this,please leave a comment, share
what resonated with you and Iwill see you on the next
episode.
Today there's something on my heart that I
want to share and you may behearing my cat pumpkin in the
background because she is beinga very needy needskins this
morning.
In any case the topic that Iwant to talk about today has a
lot to do with people puttingtheir projections on you.
And how that impacts your life.
(00:21):
I'm gonna let myself ramble onthis and not even worry about
cutting parts out because one ofthe things that has kept me from
even recording these podcasts ismy own perfectionism tendencies
and wanting everything to soundexactly the way it should and
have all my thoughts formulatedtogether in a way that is
cohesive and makes sense andtranslates my message in the way
(00:42):
that I desire for it totranslate to.
But I just want to flow on this.
I don't want to be overthinkingit.
So yeah, it's going to beimperfect, but that's okay
because that's the whole name ofthe game right now is messy
action, imperfect action.
And being an example of how Justdoing the thing that you're
inspired to do and not lettingyour overthinking patterns to
keep you from doing that thing.
(01:03):
That's what I'm about right now.
And that's what I'm wanting toexample to anybody who is
listening here.
So what brought this topic to mymind was getting a text
yesterday from my mom.
And this is not to be negativeabout my mom.
It's just something that hasbeen a theme in my life with my
parents, my upbringing, and alsowith, you know, know that
(01:24):
anybody has these types of.
Things.
So the text message was aarticle about a school that I
used to go to, and it wastalking about how they had some
sort of an agricultural program.
And she was saying that shewished that the school had that
type of a program when I was inschool.
(01:44):
And I knew that the underlyingreason why she wanted that was
because they really, my parentsreally value wanting to have you
know, like your own food, to beoff the grid.
I had a very, very uniqueupbringing.
I was I was raised extremelyconservatively, like on the
extreme.
We didn't even have You know,like electricity, sometimes
(02:08):
didn't have working plumbing fora long time.
We lived way out in themountains.
Really nobody around us.
Anyways, that's not the pointthat I'm wanting to get into
right now.
The point being was that she wassaying, I wish that you could
have done this.
You know, I wish that this wasavailable to you so that you
could have learned how to havegardening skills.
And I just responded saying kindof like in a, I don't know, in
(02:34):
a, in a lighthearted way thatthat was not something that I
was ever, you know, inspired todo.
And she kind of responded sayingsomething along the lines of
maybe you missed your calling.
And she was saying it in ajoking way, but it was just one
of those things where there wasthat underlying, it just brought
up this topic in me.
That I wanted to talk about of Iwish that you were something
(02:57):
that you're not and that was atheme that showed up regularly
throughout my childhood was thatI was my parents wanted me to be
different than the way that Ifelt that I was or that I
Innately just knew that I wasSo, for example I demonstrated
musical talent very, very earlyon in my childhood.
(03:19):
And for some reason, I'm noteven sure why at this point, but
my dad was someone who reallywanted to have music in his
family, but he was also raisedvery conservatively.
And so there were very strictrules about music in our
household.
I was very into when I wasgrowing up.
I was very, very into artistslike Mariah Carey Michael Bolton
(03:45):
who's the Whitney Houston,Celine Dion, like those were the
people that I used to, I taughtmyself how to sing by listening
to their albums, but I had tokeep my albums hidden because
when my dad had found out that Iwas listening to that music.
He took all of my music and hetold me that he buried my music
in the backyard and that hewould let me know where it was
(04:07):
when I turned 18.
So, we weren't allowed to listento conservative music.
That was, I mean notconservative to rock music.
That was, you know, banned.
That was not okay.
My mom didn't have thestrictness around it that my dad
did.
But, in any case, my dad for, Ithink it was my 8th grade
graduation present, he hadbought a bunch of music
(04:27):
equipment.
No, we were not by any means,well, we were not even a middle
class family.
I mean, I was raised very, verypoor.
And so music equipment, youknow, that was a big deal.
So he had bought.
All this music equipment, asynthesizer, a mixing board,
speakers, basically everythingthat I would need to be able to
(04:49):
record music.
And the rule was that I couldhave that equipment as long as I
did not play drums in any of mymusic.
That's a whole side tangent.
I'm not even going to get intoit.
So many people are like, whycould you not have drums in your
music?
But it was a conservative thingand it was just part of how I
was brought up.
So, I remember back then, evenback then, saying, well, I don't
(05:12):
want this gift then if there arethose types of conditions on it.
Anyways, I, I ended up havingthe, the equipment, recording
some music.
And later on in my life, thefirst time I became a single
parent, I was 21 and my youngestdaughter was two years old at
the time.
And back then is when I embarkedon my first journey with music.
(05:37):
So I felt inspired to share mystory of what I was going
through at the time and also mysinging.
So I started doing concerts allaround the country every, I
don't know, a couple months orso traveled all over the place
and did concerts where I wouldshare my story and I would share
(05:57):
music.
I sang Christian music at thetime.
And I remember the first concertthat I did was in Colorado and
it was just a surreal experiencethat people would actually come
to listen to me and hear what Ihad to say.
And the, the things that theywould tell me at the end of the
concerts were just so validatingand you know, really showing me
(06:19):
that I had a gift, which I knewI had a gift, but it was like
the first time other thansinging for church where people
were like, we really want tohear.
You sing and your heart andyou're witty and you're funny
and it's the way you expressyourself So this is how this is
one of the first times that Ireally understood that I had a
gift for not only singing butalso for speaking and for being
(06:42):
able to communicate the thingsin my life that I had been
through in a way that otherpeople could see themselves
woven in my story and Be able tocreate those moments of
connection and help them knowthat they weren't alone in
whatever they were goingthrough.
So that was one of the timeswhere, you know, I started
getting into this, into themusic space.
(07:03):
And I remember just beingpetrified at the thought of my
dad being at one of my concertsbecause some of the music that I
would sing did have drums in thebackground.
I did not have a band, so I usedaccompaniment tracks is what we
called them.
So they were just, you know, prerecorded soundtracks that I
would sing to, and there weredrums in some of them, even
(07:25):
though some of them were very,very conservative.
And I did stay on a veryconservative side.
There were some drums in them.
And I don't remember how manyconcerts it had been, but I did
not even do a local concert inmy local town for a long time
because I didn't want there tobe any chance of people who were
in my life, you know in a closeproximity way in my hometown to
(07:46):
come to my concert.
I didn't even want that.
So.
I did end up at some point doinga concert in my hometown and I
remember seeing my dad walk inand him sitting down and I was
so scared because I knew whatwas going to happen with my
music.
And I saw his expression, youknow, sitting there and his, the
(08:09):
disappointment on his face, theanger.
At least this is how Itranslated it.
Maybe that wasn't how he wasfeeling, but that is how I
translated.
I'm very empathetic.
And so I noticed your, your bodylanguage.
I noticed your expressions.
I noticed what you say and whatyou don't say.
I noticed all of it.
I pick up on the energy andplus, you know, just my whole
life experience.
I knew how he felt about thesethings.
(08:30):
So it was just utterdisappointment.
It was I just knew by, you know,the way that he was like, had
his hands crossed over his chestthat he was just like very
closed off and was not proud ofme at all.
So that, that kind of thingreally stuck with me through my
upbringing.
And there were numerous timeswhere things like this happened
that sent me the message thatyou are making the wrong
(08:53):
decision.
The choices that you are makingare not the choices that we
would have for you.
We're disappointed in you.
So another thing that showed upwhen I was a kid was that I was
It turned out that I was verynaturally gifted at ice skating
and I freaking loved iceskating.
There was something aboutgliding across the ice that just
made me feel wild and free andlike I was on top of the world.
(09:16):
And so for whatever reason, Idon't even remember why, but my
mom had signed me up for Iceskating lessons and the teachers
noticed that I was naturallygifted and because I had been
skating several times and Iwould teach myself different
things that I would see peopledoing, I used to watch, you
know, the Olympic skating videosand so I taught myself how to
(09:37):
skate backwards and I taughtmyself how to do, you know,
certain techniques and how to dolittle spins and things like
that.
And so when I started doing iceskating lessons, I Was able to
advance through different levelsof classes in one day because I
had I had taught myself theskills from You know several of
those different levels and I sobadly wanted to be an Olympic
(10:00):
ice skater That was what I wasgonna do with my life I told my
mom I really want to be anOlympic ice skater and I was
very gifted at it And I know myteachers would even say that I
could have gone really far withthat because I just had a
natural gift for it but Thekibosh was put on that because
(10:21):
of the, the skating costumes,the skating costumes were very
immodest and, and we didn't, myparents didn't believe in you
know, wearing that type ofclothing or wearing anything
that, you know, drew attentionto your body or really drew
attention to yourself.
So my dream of being an Olympicice skater was.
(10:41):
you know, not going to happenbecause I did not have the
support to be able to takeongoing lessons and things like
that.
And again, this is not becauseI'm trying to say a bunch of
negative things about myparents.
You know, they, they had theirown journey.
That was their own path in life.
They were doing the best thatthey could with the information
that they had and how they werebrought up and, and, you know,
how.
(11:01):
Who they were at the time andall of that.
So my point is just that allthroughout my childhood with the
people, you know, the people inyour life who you have learned
to listen to and to be sort oflike the authority on what is
okay and what is not okay, evenwhen it doesn't feel Like, you
can tell, at least I could, frommy early age when something was
(11:24):
meant for me, or whether itwasn't, or whether it resonated
with me, or it didn't.
And there were certain thingsthat I was taught that just
weren't okay or right but I justfelt within myself that I was
like, that doesn't feel rightfor me though.
I don't subscribe to that.
That belief or that theory orwhatever it is And I remember
(11:44):
even things that were mm hmm.
I don't know how to say this ButI remember when I would have
dolls and my mom would would saythings like oh You're gonna be
such a good mother someday cuzshe would watch how I'd play
with my dolls and I don't knowwhat the deal was or why I had
such a I don't know if it was ajaded view, but I did not want
(12:07):
to be a mother.
When I was growing up, Iremember thinking that I did not
want to have children and Ofcourse, fast forward now, I have
three children and I love themdearly and I'm very happy that I
have a mother.
But my mom was very much the oldschool and I'm just going to
call this old school.
You can have your own opinionsabout it, but you know, my mom
(12:27):
was all about that traditional,you know, the man works, brings
home the living.
The woman is the one that'ssupposed to stay home, cook,
clean, take care of the kids.
You know, that very, verytraditional.
Woman and man role, and there'snothing wrong with that.
That's the way that younavigate, you know, your world.
That's totally fine.
But I was someone who has alwaysbeen extremely driven.
(12:52):
I'm ambitious.
I was, ever since I was young, Ihad big goals, big visions.
I had.
When I say vision, sometimespeople can get a little bit
weird about that, but I wouldhave in my mind's eye, I could
see, I felt like God gave methese visions of where my life
was going to go and I was goingto be singing on stages.
I was going to be speaking onstages and in front of big
(13:12):
crowds and I was going to.
you know, have this, this lifethat was me being very much in
front of the public eye andbeing someone who is very
impactful to large amounts ofpeople through my singing and my
speaking.
That's something that I just hadin my core, the core of my being
from when I was very little.
(13:33):
I did not see myself as beingthat traditional, you know, mom
staying at home doing all thecooking and cleaning and like
being that person who doesn't doanything like your job is that
you need to be the mom to yourkids and the wife to your
husband and all of that.
So that was something that wasnot you know, my, my mom wanted
(13:56):
me to be that.
type of role and she just didnot relate to me being this very
ambitious driven type.
So in fact, when I became asingle parent the first time my
parents really really wanted meto be able to be home with my
daughter.
And so at that time, like Isaid, I was 21 years old.
(14:16):
I had a two year old daughterand I did at that time, My first
husband was put in prison and soI moved back in with my parents
so that I had someone to helptake care of my daughter while I
went off to work.
So later on in life, I know I'mlike, hopefully you guys are
following this because I knowI'm all over the board with
(14:38):
this, but later on in life, likenow, you know, fast forward to
the present time or even when Ibecame a single parent for the
second time.
Yes, I've been married twice andboth, both instances ended up in
a devastatingly awful situation,but I'm not going to get into
that right now.
The fact is I did become a, asolo parent again in 2016 and I
(15:02):
had three kids then.
So I had my oldest and then atthe time, I think my youngest
two were around five and sixyears old.
So at the time my parents wantedme to move back in with them.
I am big about being independentand, you know, making my own way
and I, I did not want to dothat.
I didn't do that.
And I remember my dad beingvery, very against me going to
(15:26):
work and, and creating a livingfor my family, you know, I
should be home.
I should have a husband.
I should have someone that'ssupporting me so that I can be
home with the kids.
And there was just very, veryheavy judgment around that.
And I did not understand that atall.
It's like, I'm supposed to besupporting my family.
How can, how can someone looknegatively at me for doing the,
what I perceive to be theresponsible thing, which is
(15:47):
providing a living for myfamily.
I didn't have a husband doingthat for me.
So, and even if I did, that'sthe thing, my personality.
I'm not someone that just wantsto sit home and just be the
housewife.
I'm someone that I just knewthat I had an impact that I was
here to make.
And.
That I did not subscribe to thebelief that I just needed to be
(16:07):
home cooking and cleaning andtaking care of the kids.
I wanted to make my own way andeven if I did marry someone who,
you know, was wealthy or couldprovide for us, I wasn't, I'm
not looking for a sugar daddy.
I was not someone that was, youknow, wanting to just live off
of someone else being able tosupport me.
I wanted to be able to create myown living.
There was something about beingable to create my When I say my
(16:30):
own income, it's not to say thatall of my money is my money and
that I'm not going to share it.
It's not that it's just, I wantit to be.
The person who generated theincome, I guess you could say
that.
So I didn't want to be fullyfinancially dependent on someone
else.
I liked the feeling of beingable to generate money.
And to be able to put mycreative ideas to work.
(16:50):
To be able to, you know, use mygiftings in ways that I was
feeling called or inspired todo.
So my point is that there was alot of shame around being me.
And I was also someone who wasvery, I loved sparkly things.
I remember always looking atearrings and thinking that they
were so beautiful.
And I was taught that wecouldn't wear jewelry because
you're attracting You know,attention to yourself and I
(17:11):
loved wearing makeup.
It's like I saw makeup as a formof art It's like I got to play
with all these different funlooks But I could only do that
at home and not when my dad wasaround so basically I got this
message that everything that wasunique to me that I felt was
unique to me as a person that Iwas I was creative.
I was, I loved makeup.
(17:31):
I loved sparkles.
I loved fancy things.
I loved working.
I loved lifting weights.
That was another one.
I loved working out.
I loved muscle and I wanted tobe, you know, very, very fit and
maybe even be a bodybuilder.
You know, I, I don't know.
I explored those things.
I remember when I was 14 yearsold.
You either 13 or 14.
I did some babysitting work inexchange for a weight bench
(17:54):
because I wanted to, I was superinto fitness and I don't even
know why that was not somethingthat was ingrained in me.
My parents weren't into fitnessand they certainly weren't
supportive of the type offitness that I wanted to do.
Which was what they wouldconsider to be more on the I
guess vein spectrum because Iwanted muscle and you know, it's
not natural fitness of justrunning or walking or doing, you
(18:15):
know, Being out in nature orgardening or like getting a fit
body, doing things that arenatural.
It was like an unnatural way ofgetting fit.
So even the way, like the typeof workouts that I liked were
not okay.
The type of careers that Iwanted were not okay.
The type of music I wanted tosing or that I listened to were
not okay.
The type of parenting style thatI felt when I did have kids was
(18:38):
what I wanted for my family.
It was not Was not okay.
It was like literally I couldnot find a Part of myself that
was acceptable according to thestandard that I was brought up
with.
And I remember feeling so sadabout that.
Desperately wanting to feelaccepted and to feel I knew that
(19:00):
my parents loved me, but Iwanted to have them be proud of
me.
I think that that's most kidsdesire.
Is for their parents to feelproud of them.
And there were times when theywould say that they were proud
of me, but it was usually ifthere was something happening
where I was conforming to youknow, what they thought I should
do or, you know, how thingsshould go for me.
And that didn't feel good to mebecause that wasn't feeling like
(19:20):
I was actually living the lifethat I genuinely wanted to live.
It was more about conforming towhat they wanted for me.
So I remember when I finallycame to the point.
where I, it occurred to me thatthe person that I would need to
be in order to have essentiallytheir stamp of approval, I
didn't even agree with that.
I didn't even want that.
(19:41):
So it was.
It's essentially a fruitlessendeavor to even try to be
someone who was fully embraced,fully celebrated, you know, to,
for them to be proud of mebecause in order to be that
person, I wouldn't even be me.
I wouldn't, I wouldn't be doingthe things that felt good or
right for me.
(20:02):
I wouldn't even, I literallywould not be me.
I would literally have to be notme in order for them to.
Fully embrace me for all that Iwas, I could not be all that I
was and have them feel like Iwas on track or that I was a
good person or that I would, Idon't know how to explain it.
(20:24):
I'm sure people out here rightnow listening to this are like,
I completely understand whatyou're saying because I've been
there, I understand what that'slike, or they can at least you
know, understand what I'm, whatI'm describing, but it was very,
it was a very heartbreaking.
Moment of clarity.
And yet it was also one of thosemoments of clarity that it was
like from a logical perspective,it helped me release a lot of my
(20:47):
my.
That, that really strong pull atmy heart to want to have their
approval and acceptance becauseonce I realized that I couldn't
even be me in order to havetheir approval and acceptance,
like what kind of a life isthat?
I don't even want that.
So it was like this definingmoment that was like, I will
never have it and that's okaybecause in order for me to have
it, I would never even want tobe that person.
(21:09):
So that did create some veryinteresting dynamics.
You know, unfortunately, I donot have a close relationship
with almost anybody in myfamily.
And I'm not going to go into allof that, but I, I guess I just
really, this was all my heart toshare because.
Throughout your life, you know,it's not just my parents that
that's happened, but there'sgoing to be people around you
(21:30):
and especially society, youknow, you're going to be seeing
posts on social media, you'regoing to have friends and
coworkers and you know,relationships, people who are
going to have an opinion aboutwhat you're doing and I have
always, always felt that my lifewas intentionally meant to be
non traditional because I wasput here to be Essentially, a
(21:52):
bit of a trailblazer to be ableto show the people who are like
me, who are the black sheep, whoare the people that are the
weird ones, the ones that don'treally fit in, that don't feel
almost like, almost like havinga rebel attitude where you're,
you just know that you're notmeant to conform.
You're not meant to be one ofthe people that is walking the
same direction as everybodyelse, that there's something
different for you.
(22:14):
Even though that's veryuncomfortable because you tend
to be the person who is, youknow, kind of looked at with a
critical eye, especially.
When I was a solo parent, oh mygosh, you would think that
people would be a lot moreunderstanding and compassionate.
And I had never experienced somuch hate, so much criticism, so
much judgmentalness from peopleas when I've been a single
(22:35):
parent.
It's almost like they look atyou with much more you know,
it's like.
They want to see if you're goingto take a misstep because it's
like, Oh, ha, ha.
Look at her.
You know, she's, that's becauseshe's a single parent and look
at how she's messing up her kidsbecause it's like, if her kids
make a mistake, a hundredpercent of that accountability
is on me because I'm theirparent.
So when I have made some wildlyridiculous decisions from, a
(23:01):
outsider's perspective one ofthem being completely relocating
my family from Texas toCalifornia back in 2017, that
Most people thought was a stupiddecision.
Why would I be going toCalifornia?
It's one of the most expensiveplaces to live.
I was uprooting my kids.
You know, there were just all ofthese different things to factor
(23:21):
in.
At the time my car had died, soI didn't even have my own
working car and I didn't have ajob lined up.
I didn't have you know, therewere So many unknowns, but I
knew that I knew that I knewthat I knew that I knew.
I just knew that I was beingcalled to go there, even though
I did not understand why.
But I have developed a verystrong relationship spiritually
(23:42):
and I don't want to get into alot of talk about spirituality
because I know there's a lot ofpeople who have had very bad
experiences in the church orwith people in the church.
And I'm not sitting here tryingto say that, you know, you need
to adopt my belief system oranything like that.
That's not even what this isabout.
And my views, on that note onspirituality and religion and
(24:02):
church and all those differentthings have dramatically shifted
over the years as I have reallythe second time being single.
And when I moved to California,I really got a chance to re
evaluate.
What do I believe?
What do I not believe?
What is just tradition and whatis, what are the things that I
actually believe, believe aretrue at my core to my own
Experience spiritually.
(24:22):
I really developed a very strongspirituality through all of the
things that I've navigated inlife.
And I really learned to tap intomy spiritual guidance, my
internal guidance, my gutinstinct, my intuition that
became.
the guiding force in my life formaking all of my decisions.
And at the time I, I knew like,I knew that I was meant to go
(24:47):
there to California, even thoughI didn't understand why.
And I picked my family up and Ileft and I completely rebuilt
our lives in California.
And this podcast isn't aboutthat specific thing.
But my point was that I made avery ludicrously wild From the
outside perspectiveirresponsible decision and so
there was a lot of criticismabout that I had criticism about
(25:10):
literally everything so I usedto be someone who is an extreme
people pleaser I couldn't standthe thought of people
Disagreeing with my decisions orfeeling like I was you know
walking the wrong path or That Iwould somehow disappoint someone
or that people would be talkingbehind my back and all of the
experiences that I've beenthrough I have had to develop a
(25:32):
Strong basically like a, a thickskin and a, a, a strong spine
for things like this.
And I'm very grateful for thataspect of the personal
development from the things thatI've been through because I went
from being someone who is veryinsecure and a very big people
pleaser to being someone who isvery confident and who is not
(25:54):
sort of like Determining my ownvalue or my own credibility or
my own self worth from the eyesof other people and what they
think of me because I reallylearned that what people think
of me or how they view thedecisions that I make are really
just from the lens that they arechoosing to view life through.
And that has nothing to do withme.
(26:15):
It really has.
Nothing to do with me unless Imake it have something to do
with me.
So, there are people who, youknow, have thought that I was
you know, because I didn'tpursue the college route.
I, the highest level ofeducation I had was high school
and a lot of people would lookdown on me for that because I
wasn't one of those people thatwas well educated.
(26:35):
And, for example, my oldersister is very well educated.
So, there was automatically thisimbalance in, you know, my older
sister was considered, quote,more successful.
Successful than I was because Ionly got as far as high school.
And in reality, I've learnedthat education, and this is
again not the topic for thispodcast, but I have a very
unpopular belief abouteducation, and I think that it's
(26:56):
becoming a more and more widelyaccepted view, but.
Education to me is not adetermining factor for your
value, your authentic value as ahuman being.
There are so many people in thisworld who have become from the
world's standards.
Many people would consider, youknow, financial success, career
success to be a prettysignificant form of success.
(27:19):
And there are so many people whohave.
Become massively successful inbusiness and in finances who
never completed high school orwho didn't complete college.
I mean, I could go on and onabout this topic.
I'm not bashing people whochoose to go that route, but I
have found that society puts alot of pressure.
Not so much now.
(27:39):
I really think that, that theworld is taking a turn on this,
but it used to be that youweren't really somebody unless
you had a degree.
It used to be that you couldn'teven make the type of income.
That a person with a degreecould make.
I have proven that completelywrong.
I, even in my career I developeda very strong income, even with
(28:00):
just a high school education inthe corporate realm.
And I made a lot more money thanmany of my friends who had
degrees.
And so I completely.
And then I also proved thetheory wrong that you can't be
even more successful as anentrepreneur.
You know, here I am anentrepreneur, the sole support,
(28:20):
I have never gotten a penny incustody in sorry, not custody
and child support.
And I made massively amountmassively more money as an
entrepreneur, as I did.
In my corporate career, eventhough I did do very well in my
corporate career, despite onlyhaving a high school education,
(28:40):
but a lot of people have lookedat me as, Oh, she's just someone
who has a high school education.
They're not looking at.
You know, the career success,the financial success and things
like that.
And there are people who aremassively unhappy.
You know, they might havedegrees or multiple degrees, and
they may even be making whatsociety would consider to be
very, very good money.
(29:01):
And yet they're extremelyunhappy.
They're very unfulfilled.
They're.
Stressed out.
They have no life balance.
And you know, a lot of timesthat's from societal pressures
that you can't really do well inlife unless you have a degree or
because of family pressures ofparents saying, you know, I was
a doctor.
You should be a doctor.
I was a lawyer.
You should be a lawyer or I hadthis degree.
You should get a degree or, youknow, putting all of this
(29:23):
external pressure On someoneeven if that isn't authentically
what they feel true forthemselves I was never the only
degree that I was interested ingrowing up was to get a degree
in physical fitness because Ifor so many years growing up
wanted to be a personal trainerAnd so that would be the only
direction I would want to go orin business But business doesn't
(29:43):
teach you how to be anentrepreneur.
And I always wanted to learn howto be a successful entrepreneur.
I never wanted to be someonethat built someone else's dream.
I always, always, always wantedto be someone that was building
the ladder that other peoplewere climbing.
I wanted to be the person thatwas doing my thing and setting
my own schedule.
And it was unconventional.
And even when I was growing up,it was not as popular of a.
(30:05):
of a thing to, you know, bebuilding your own thing versus
working for someone else,because it's like, you're not
getting a pension.
You're not getting benefits.
You're not getting the steadypaycheck, you know, what if,
what if, what if, what if itdoesn't work out?
What if, what if, what if?
And I have, man, I have livedthrough so many what if
circumstances, and I haveabsolutely been flat on my face
with life circumstances numeroustimes, but I have my voice is
(30:29):
cracking.
I have learned.
So much for my experience.
And I have been someone whoother people can look at how
I've navigated my life and thatit isn't traditional.
And I feel like the way that Ihave lived my life and now that
I'm sharing more about itpublicly, more and more people
are going to be able to be like,this resonates with me so much.
Thank you that you are being avoice that is sharing things
(30:50):
that I've been feeling andcouldn't quite put words to, or
I was just wishing that therewas someone out there who could
understand.
You know me and how I think andhow I operate.
And there are so many peoplethat if we were actually being
open about our experiences, itwould help create a lot more
sense of community and a lotmore sense of you know, people
being seen and understood intheir different ways of
(31:12):
thinking.
That's one of the reasons whyI've decided to share these
things on a podcast form, eventhough some of it isn't
necessarily the most comfortablething to share, because of
course there's always gonna be.
People with their opinions, youknow, disagreeing with what,
what it is that I have to say.
And that's totally fine.
You know, I'm not here to try toconvince people to see things
from my perspective.
The reason why I share isbecause I think that there is
(31:34):
value in sharing yourexperiences because there are
other people out there who canbenefit from what you have to
say and for what your messageis.
We all have a different message.
We all have our uniqueexperiences and everybody has
value in.
What you the life that you havelived and ensuring that life
because it does createconnection with other people in
my sharing I want people to beable to Say me too.
(31:56):
You know what?
I'm sharing something.
I want them to be like, oh mygosh me too because it helps
them feel more Connected and tofor them to know that they
aren't alone and whatever it is.
They're going through so I Amsharing all of this today to
tell you if you are someone whois Feeling like you don't belong
feeling like you want So and soto be proud of you, maybe it's
(32:18):
your parents, maybe it's yourspouse, maybe it's your friends
who don't understand.
I have people in my life who,the people who they hold
closest, who they hold mostdear, whose opinions are the
most impactful, influential intheir own lives, those people
are disagreeing with decisionsthat they're making.
(32:39):
And it's so hard, it is so hardwhen the very people that you so
badly want their approval andacceptance are the very people
who are the ones that aredisagreeing with you, trying to
talk you into a different way ofthinking or to doing something
different.
And even if they know stronglythat they really believe that
whatever it is that they'redoing or the decision that
(33:01):
they're making or the careerthat they're.
Pursuing or whatever it is.
And then the people who aretheir closest to in their lives
are the ones that are saying,no, this is wrong.
You shouldn't be doing this.
And it's like, it's, it's sohard because it's like, they can
feel the disconnect where ifthey continue pursuing this,
this route, whatever that is.
It's, it's going to create aawkward dynamic in the
(33:24):
relationship.
And so it goes through thispoint of almost feeling there's
like almost like a grieving amourning period because you
realize that some of yourrelationships may never be the
same again.
Some of your relationships mayactually disconnect from you
completely.
You may lose some people in yourlife by being you.
I mean, even saying those words,isn't that sad?
(33:45):
It's like you can have a lot ofSadness, as you're becoming more
aware of who you are and as youare really owning more of who
you are.
And when you're learning, like,you know what?
I actually don't feel like I'msupposed to live my life this
other way that I was taught.
And I really genuinely believe,or I really genuinely am giving
(34:05):
myself permission to be theperson that.
Walks this other path, eventhough I understand that it's
going to potentially mean that Iam not going to have certain
people in my life anymore, thatis one of the most hardest and
bravest things that you can dois when you know that being you,
being fully yourself is going tomean a That you will lose
(34:30):
certain people in your life thatwere important to you.
I've had that happen so manytimes.
People in my life that I thoughtwere my ride or die.
People in my life that were mybest friends.
People in my life who were myclosest to that knew the
innermost parts of myself that Ihad shared things that I didn't
want to share with anybody.
And losing those people and thenbeing like, Oh my gosh, you
(34:51):
know, how can I feel safe when Ipoured my heart out to these
people where these were myclosest friends, the people in
my life who meant the most tome, the people in my life who I
literally thought would always,always, always be in my life.
I never had a doubt that, okay,this person is someday going to
betray me or this person is, youknow, going to completely vanish
(35:13):
out of my life for no reason orfor no reason that was ever made
known to me.
They just disappeared.
No communication, no contact.
And there was no explanation asto why.
You're going to most likely, ifyou're choosing to live this
kind of a path where you're justgoing to be you, be authentic,
to speak your voice, to shareyour truth.
(35:33):
And a lot of people sadly arekeeping themselves in the
shadows who are conforming toways of living or beliefs or
traditions that they don't even.
agree with anymore, that they,that actually feel very icky and
feel very like, I'm not eventhis person.
Why am I even acting like this?
Or why am I even doing this whenthis doesn't even feel like me?
(35:54):
But so many people are doingthat because of what other
people will think or because ofthe consequence, meaning that
they might lose those friends orthey might lose.
They're basically perceiving theloss and they're viewing the
loss as being too much, toocostly.
In comparison with beingthemselves fully expressed and
(36:14):
that to me is a very sad thingbecause I feel like you should
always Give yourself thepermission even if it doesn't
follow traditional Standards orsociety norms or whoever's
opinion you want to be acceptingof you Even if it goes against
all of that to me, there isnothing that is more How do I
(36:40):
say it?
I'm just gonna say words thatcome to my mind instead of
trying to overthink and find theexact word.
But, it's painful not being you.
It is, it is a very strongfeeling of disconnectedness, of
not being fully yourself.
And even though I have lostfriends and my life has made
changes that I didn't evenexpect, To be part of my
(37:02):
experience where people have,you know, shifted out of my life
or things have just, you knowtaken a turn that I maybe wasn't
expecting by making thedecisions that I've made.
Even if those things happen,there's some sort of comfort and
peace and ease that comes with,you know what, but I was being
me.
I was making the decisions thatI felt were right for me at the
(37:23):
time.
And.
That feels good.
Even if whatever the quoteunquote consequence of that,
there were parts of it thatdidn't feel good.
If I was being truly authenticto me, like for me sharing this
podcast right now, if there'ssomeone in my life that hears us
and they're like, you know what?
If that's the way Mindy thinks,Oh my God, I can't believe that
(37:45):
Mindy doesn't believe thateverybody should have a college
education.
I can't believe that Mindythinks that, you know, women
shouldn't have to be.
At home, just taking care of thekids and cooking and cleaning,
like, how dare she think thatshe can go and have a successful
career and be raising childrenby herself?
How dare she think that she cango against the societal norms of
(38:10):
what a woman should be doing, orespecially what a single woman
should be doing?
You know what?
If somebody hears that, hearsthis podcast, and hears my
points of view, and so stronglydisagrees my Perspective and the
way that I have personallychosen to navigate through my
own life.
(38:31):
I actually am totally fine withthat.
And that's part of my own selfgrowth is getting to the point
where other people's strongopinions of me or how I choose
to navigate my life.
I'm not going to say that theydon't matter at all because I'm
human and I think there is justsort of an innate desire for us
to want to be accepted and towant people to agree with us or
(38:52):
to want to feel like they atleast understand us, but I have
for sure come to the point whereI don't, do not expect people,
even though I would love, itwould be nice to be understood,
but I have learned that You justcan't.
There are so many differentpeople who have so many
differing opinions that you cannever ever be so So accepted by
(39:18):
people that everybody's gonna behappy with what you do what you
say It's just not gonna happenand you wouldn't want it to be
happen because how many ways areyou gonna have to shape shift
and be?
a chameleon To conform to whateverybody thinks that you should
do It's just never gonna happennor would you want it to happen
if you really in your heart ofhearts?
If you really are honest withyourself about it, you would not
even want that to happen becauseof what it would do to you.
(39:40):
So many people have destroyedthemselves internally.
They've literally becomeunrecognizable to themselves.
They don't even know who theyare anymore at their core
because they have spent so muchof their life trying to make
everybody else happy, where theyfeel like they've completely
lost connection to the core ofwho they actually are.
That was what was happening tome.
so concerned about what otherpeople thought of me and what
(40:02):
they thought I should be doingor what I should be saying.
I didn't want to rock the boat.
I didn't want to be adisappointment to the extent
that I.
Essentially could not even tapinto the core of who I was
anymore because I didn't even,it was hard to even recognize
who was she.
I got so far away from what feltauthentic to me, that I, I had a
(40:23):
hard time even knowing what mytruth was.
And I really believe a huge partof why I ended up.
And that's why I started gettingcalled to go to California was
to be able to dissociate myselffrom all of the voices, the
influences that were in my life,just basically telling me you
need to do this if you're goingto be a good person, you know,
you need to follow this set ofrules in order for you to be in
(40:45):
heaven, you know, like all ofthe different things that I had
been taught I needed to, to liveand to be like in order to be a
good person or in order to beable to you know, from like the,
the church standpoint orwhatever, you know, Bye.
All of that, I needed to getaway from that in order to be
able to really feel into and beable to have the, the spiritual
(41:08):
guidance to tap into like, no,this is what the truth actually
is.
This is, this is what your lifepath is actually meant to be.
And my life path is so freakingdifferent, so different than
what I thought or what I wastaught that it should be.
It's complete opposite, like itcouldn't even be more polar
opposite than the way that I wastaught and That makes it very
(41:31):
challenging.
Like I said with familyrelationships, but I just know I
know in my core I can feel it inmy being that this is my path
and I don't need other peopleto, for one thing, understand
it, even though it's nice whenthat happens, and I don't need
anybody else to approve of it,because it's my path.
This is my life to live.
(41:51):
I don't need anybody else toagree with the way that I live
my life.
And so, I'm wanting to tell youout there that I, if you're a
human living on this planet, youare going to be subject to
people disagreeing with you.
And it might be someone thinkingthat you should have had a
different career.
It might be someone thinkingthat you should have had
different education.
(42:12):
It might be someone thinkingthat, you know, they don't agree
with the choices that you'remaking or the ways that you're
parenting.
Maybe you don't want kids andpeople think you should have
kids.
Maybe you have kids and peoplethink you shouldn't have had
kids.
Maybe people are disapprovingabout the relationship that
you're in, or maybe people arethinking, Oh my God, you're
single, you should have apartner.
And maybe you're feeling totallyokay being single.
Maybe you're having, you knowsociety pressures on, you need
(42:35):
to live a certain lifestyle thatyou know, you don't feel is
authentic to you.
Maybe you are someone who enjoysfiner things in life, and so
people are kind of judging youabout, you know, there are
people who could use your money.
Why are you spending your moneyfrivolously?
I mean, people have an opinionabout every single freaking
thing.
And I'm trying to tell you toGive yourself the permission to
(42:59):
tap into the uniqueness of whoyou are.
I am big about followingspiritual guidance.
I'm big about following your ownintuition, your own gut
instinct.
And one of the things that I aimto do and that my intention is,
is to help people learn how totap into their own internal
guidance system.
Because it's there, you will beable to feel in your body when
something doesn't resonate.
(43:20):
So this has gotten way longerthan what I had intended, not
that I had any specificintention of how long I was
going to talk about this, but Ijust wanted to give myself the
permission to come on here andjust let it, let it freaking
rip.
Just this is something I'm verypassionate about and I wanted to
just let myself talk about ithowever it was going to come
out.
And this is what came out today.
(43:40):
If you found value in this,please leave a comment, share
what resonated with you and Iwill see you on the next
episode.
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