May 26, 2025 • 38 mins
Transformational coach Arlene Miller opens up about her remarkable journey from high-pressure attorney to mindfulness expert in this captivating conversation about authentic work-life harmony. After decades practicing law while raising a family, Arlene shares the moment she recognized her burnout wasn't just fatigue—it was a call to completely reimagine her relationship with herself and her career.
The discussion quickly moves beyond standard self-care advice into practical techniques anyone can implement immediately. Arlene introduces simple yet powerful breathwork practices that physiologically shift your nervous system from stress to calm without requiring extra time in your day. "We forget to breathe," she notes, explaining how this foundational practice creates space for deeper transformation.
Most compelling is Arlene's framework for breaking free from self-judgment—what she calls the hamster wheel of negativity. Rather than promoting quick fixes, she advocates for consistent awareness, explaining how recognizing our inner critic allows us to embrace our role as our own inner coach instead. This perspective shift transforms how we approach challenges, setbacks, and even past wounds, creating pathways for genuine healing and growth.
The conversation takes an unexpected turn when exploring boundaries, with Arlene challenging conventional wisdom about how we protect our energy. "We set our boundaries based on how the other person is," she explains, offering a refreshing perspective on maintaining strong boundaries even with those closest to us. This approach allows us to share love from our overflow rather than depleting ourselves by absorbing others' negative emotions.
Whether you're facing burnout, struggling with self-criticism, or seeking more authentic connections, Arlene's insights provide a roadmap for creating meaningful change through self-awareness, intentional breathing, and unconditional self-love. Connect with her work at jewelconsultancy.com and discover how transforming your relationship with yourself ripples outward to enhance every area of your life.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Yeah, it's Mindset Cafe.
We all about that mindset.
Gotta stay focused.
Now go settle for the last.
It's all in your head how youthink you manifest.
So get ready to rise, cause weabout to be the best.
Gotta switch it up.
Gotta break the old habits.
Get your mind right.
Turn your dreams into habits.
No negative vibes, onlypositive thoughts.
What is up, guys?
(00:21):
Welcome to another episode ofthe Mindset Cafe podcast.
It's your boy, devin, and todayI'm honored to be welcomed with
a special guest, arlene Miller.
She is a transformational coach, she is an attorney, she is a
meditation facilitator and,honestly, she is an expert in
just the work-life harmonyoverall.
(00:41):
She has had decades ofexperience in high-pressure
careers and Arlene's reallydedicated her life to helping
women and professionals reallyfind balance and fulfillment and
peace while navigating thatcareer success, that
relationship success and,honestly, just personal
self-growth.
So, without further ado, arlene, thank you so much for taking
the time out of your day to hopon.
Speaker 2 (01:02):
Thank you for having me, I mean thank you so much for
taking the time out of your dayto hop on Thank you for having
me.
Speaker 1 (01:06):
So let's dive straight in.
Right, you know where did yourjourney really go.
I like to hear it straight fromthe source.
Get a little bit of background.
You know from you like frombring up.
You know your childhood all theway up until, like you know
where we're at today.
Speaker 2 (01:21):
Well, I had a pretty normal childhood.
I grew up in Louisville,kentucky.
My mom was a stay-at-home mom.
She thought she'd made it.
Her parents were pretty poor,so she was thrilled to stay home
and be a mother, and just in aregular neighborhood where kids
were still outside, playing witheach other and doing kick the
can and football and everythinglike that, and so, yeah, pretty
normal.
And when I was 15, I decidedthat I wanted to be an attorney
(01:44):
Big shock to my mom and dad andI did.
I went to law school.
I went to college in law school, got my degree, got married my
second year in law school.
I'm not married to him anymore,but anyway we moved up to
Cleveland, ohio, when we bothgraduated and so I worked for
some other attorneys for a fewyears and then I went out on my
(02:05):
own.
I had a solo practice,immediately found out I was
pregnant and I didn't have atribe.
You know my, my family, both ofour families were in Kentucky.
All my friends from law school,all my support, like
business-wise.
They were in like the lowerpart of Ohio and Indiana,
kentucky, beginning their lawlaw school, their careers in law
(02:28):
, and so I had to, like learnhow to develop my own tribe as a
new business owner and asoon-to-be mother and their work
and like coaches back then thatI knew of, you know that did
this kind of stuff.
So you know I tried a counselorand that didn't really help.
So I just sort of built my owntribe and my own life and, um
(02:49):
yep, when my son was nine I soldthe business.
We moved to um, longmont,colorado, um by I'd gotten.
I started off in divorce lawthat was kind of print me out,
and then I went to commerciallaw and I was helping businesses
collect their debts and so Ibought into a small boutique
firm that was doing the samething out in Colorado and we
(03:10):
sold the business about a littleover six years ago.
And before we sold it I got adiploma in coaching and
mentoring, a diploma intransformational holistic
counseling and certification inmeditation and I was just going
to use it in the practice of law.
But then I just got reallyburnt out and I just needed to
do something else.
So I decided I was going to dowhat I love full time and we
(03:34):
sold the business.
Speaker 1 (03:36):
Well, that I mean.
That's that is awesome, thatyou found a new passion and
everything.
What was the original passionor inspiration to go into law?
Speaker 2 (03:46):
I just feel like a really cool thing.
I mean, I knew I could helppeople and I also knew that I
just always had this thing Iwanted to be an independent
woman and not have to getmarried, to have someone take
care of me, to get marriedbecause we wanted to get married
, and so that just seemed likethe ideal career and it just
seemed interesting andchallenging and something that,
(04:07):
you know, I could really thrivein and enjoy.
Speaker 1 (04:11):
No, that is.
It's super interesting, I mean,cause you're raising a family
and you're going into I meanI've had clients that have been,
you know, going through lawschool and even you know,
working as an attorney and it isnot a time friendly job
necessarily.
So you know working as anattorney and it is not a time
friendly job necessarily.
So you know you, you were, youbuilt a whole law practice while
(04:31):
raising a family.
What were some of the biggestchallenges that you faced with?
Trying to maintain, I guess, awork life balance?
I hate using that phrase, butyou know what was your.
What were some of the biggestchallenges for you?
Speaker 2 (04:46):
Well, I bring in the word harmony work-life balance
and harmony because otherwise itjust feels like the scales of
justice and that doesn't work,because we always need to adapt
and change, no matter what kindof thing we do.
I guess I'm just really reallygrateful my ex-husband made
enough money to put a roof overour head and have food on the
table.
So when I started my lawpractice I knew I wasn't like I
(05:08):
was desperate.
I had to make a ton of money tobegin with.
So I just I was really reallygrateful that I was
self-employed because, like thefirst year that my son was born,
it was impossible to work fulltime and have your sanity and
took a while to find, you know,a child care provider that I
really loved and to have a groupof friends I had.
I ended up having a group offriends that I ran with that
(05:29):
were parents and had young kidstoo.
We need to drop them off at thehealth food club, have a run,
share everything through running, and it was like my therapy.
So, um, it was by the seat ofmy pants.
I was really tired for thefirst three years, you know, of
his life and my um business, butyou know, I was just flexible
and adaptable.
(05:49):
If I had to bring things hometo get things done while he was
asleep, I did that and, um, Idon't know.
I just developed a network offriends and some other women
business owners who are goingthrough the same thing and I
don't know how do we do it whenwe're going through that.
We're in the, the middle of it.
We're like, oh my God, how do Iget myself into this?
We just keep on stepping.
Speaker 1 (06:09):
No, I believe me, I have a three-year-old daughter
and we have one on the way, soit's I, I already know.
Like the first one, it was likewhat, what did we do, you know?
And then you start to, oh, it'salmost like PTSD.
You like we, we were planningon it and everything, but it's
(06:31):
still.
Then it's real and you're like,oh man, um, you know.
But you figure it out.
And that's the crazy thing isyou, you live and you adapt and
it's, it's just likeentrepreneurship, it's just like
you know, you know anythingelse, it's like you just adapt
it as it comes, you know.
And so I'm curious, you know,with getting burnt out right
With from the law firm andpracticing law as you're
(06:51):
starting to get more intocoaching.
What was that pivotal moment?
Right, cause I think we allhave that one, that one moment
at least, that it's like thefinal.
Okay, I'm just making a jumpright, I'm gonna, I'm gonna go
all in.
What was that for you?
Speaker 2 (07:06):
I don't know well.
The one to get out of, to getstopped doing divorce law was um
, um, a client that was analcoholic um filed a
professional complaint againstme and I had to hire an attorney
to represent me.
I'm like, oh my god, um and I.
That was when I was like, and Iwas like there's this.
I was in a small likestorefront office it was nothing
(07:29):
fancy two attorneys, anemployment agency and this guy
that was selling collectionpackages to businesses to help
them collect their debts andhe's like hey, arlene, I see
you're getting burned out doingfamily law.
Would you like to be theattorney for this?
You know you can do the ones inColorado.
You can farm out the ones thatare in the other states, and
that's how I got into that.
(07:49):
And so it was like this kind ofnice segue.
But it was really interesting.
It's like when I decided that Iwasn't going to practice family
law anymore, I got more peoplecalling me on the phone in like
two weeks than I'd had in likethe past six months.
It was insane.
I kept on referring them out.
I'm like I think the universeis saying are you really going
to do this?
(08:09):
Are you really going to do this.
Do you really have the guts?
And I was like I was done.
So I don't know with the other,with commercial law.
I was just, I was tired.
It just kind of built up.
It wasn't like this pivotalthing, I'd gotten the coaching
and the counseling and themeditation you know,
(08:30):
certification and it just waslike I just can't do this
anymore.
I'm just, I was tired, Icouldn't go anywhere.
You know, if I went, wetraveled for business and we,
you know, we went on holidaysand stuff like that.
But it was never not there,like you'd have to work, your
tail off to leave, work yourtail off to come back.
And I was just like I need adifferent lifestyle.
(08:52):
It's wonderful, but it just gotto the point I could do
something else I enjoyed and notbe under so much stress all the
time.
Speaker 1 (09:02):
No, I completely get that.
I mean it was probably reallyfun and exciting in the
beginning, or even, you know,throughout the time.
No, I completely get that.
I mean it was probably.
It was probably really fun andexciting in the beginning, or
even, you know, throughout thecareer.
And then it there's just apoint where it's like I'm, I'm
just, I'm tapped, like you know,I'm burning the candle from too
many ends.
I even signed both ends.
Too many ends.
I'm just yeah.
I'm over it and so I feel like alot of professionals,
(09:24):
especially entrepreneurs,struggle with that.
They start to burn themselvesout, they get overstressed.
What are some effective waysthat you've seen or you've
discovered really for them tomaintain their work-life balance
and harmony?
Speaker 2 (09:39):
Well, I have a lot of tools because I developed them
on the way and I love to sharethem.
I think the simplest thing is Ialways start with is breath
work.
You know, we forget to breathe,we get really stressed, we get
really anxious, we get liketight in our chest, we get tight
in our shoulders.
You know, we get anxious, weget overwhelmed and we get we
breathe really shallow or we'reholding our breath.
And so we can just start withsome really simple breathwork
(10:02):
techniques that, physiologicallyI see you're into fitness they
physically, logically and I amtoo switch your gears when you
go from this fight-or-flight tothis rest, to relax mode,
because you're oxygenating yourbody, you're giving your the
body the signal that it's okayto release, relax and let go.
The same working out is great.
It helps that too.
But this helps move of the mindand and there's a lot of breath
(10:26):
work if you, if you indifferent kinds of exercises as
well, that are awesome, but thesimplest one you can start with
is just breathe in through yournose, breathe out through your
nose, have the out breath longerthan the in breath, and you can
do it anywhere.
You know someone's talking toyou, you're driving the car
you're waiting in line.
You don't have to make it adifferent part of your day, but
just sort of continue thisbreath work consciously until
(10:50):
you begin to chill down a littlebit.
Speaker 1 (10:55):
Have you ever read Think Like a Monk by Jay Shetty?
Speaker 2 (11:00):
No, I haven't.
Does it have some good stuff inthere too?
Speaker 1 (11:02):
It does.
And I agree with everythingyou're saying with the breath
work and that's that's why I'mreferencing this book.
In the book there's a chapteron breath work and he describes
I want to say it's ninedifferent things, different ways
of breathing, right, how youwere mentioning the in-breath
versus the out-breath and thelengths of them.
And I tried them.
(11:25):
I tried a few of them, you know, just out of curiosity, and it
really it really does start tohave a physiological change on
your body and everything.
And I've even done one of thosebreath works where, at the
business mastermind I'm a partof, we do it every other meetup,
every other quarterly meetup,or you know this.
This lady flies in and she doesthis breath work where it's like
I don't even know what to, Iforget what the name of it is,
(11:47):
but everyone lays down and it'squiet and she's basically
guiding everyone through breathein, breathe out.
And I will say I was kind ofskewed on my belief in it and so
everyone ahead of time was likeyou might cry, you might this,
and I was like okay, whatever,like you know.
And so I was kind of skepticalbut I was like I'm game, I'll
(12:11):
try whatever to do it.
But all of a sudden she, rightbefore we start, she tells us,
if your body feels glued to theground, like don't panic, that's
natural.
And I was like, oh, you got tobe kidding me, like whatever.
And then, like don't panic,that's natural.
And and I was like, oh, you gotto be kidding me, like that
whatever.
And then we start going throughit and I could feel, I thought
like because we were outside, soI thought there was like bugs
(12:31):
or something on my arm, but myarm, I guess, was raising along
the grass and that's what I wasfeeling.
But then I went to adjust myarm because I thought there was
something on it and I couldn'tget it off the ground.
And and I was like, oh boy,we're about to go through some
stuff right now.
Like it's crazy how breathworkcan have an effect on you.
Speaker 2 (12:50):
Yeah, and there's so many like karate, tai chi,
weightlifting.
I do yoga.
There's breathwork, there's somany things physically that we
do that if you're in Coloradoand you're walking up a mountain
, you better be doing breathwork or you're not going to get
to the top, so it's all.
It's all around us, and I thinkwe just don't even acknowledge
(13:11):
that.
You know how helpful it is.
Speaker 1 (13:14):
No, definitely, and so I mean going into this a
little bit like with the wholestress, with the burnout.
You know the breath work isamazing, but how could someone
maybe break free of you knowwhat I like to call it and I
believe you mentioned beforethat the hamster wheel and
really start moving forward withtheir intentionality and their
(13:35):
clarity?
Speaker 2 (13:37):
Yeah, there's so many things when people are stuck
and like feel like they're goingaround in circles and can't get
off, and what I feel that ismost frequently there is that
there's a lot of judgment.
You know, they might be judgingthemselves for how they're
feeling, judging themselves forthe situation that they're in,
judging themselves that theycan't get out of the situation,
whatever it is, it's going on.
And then what we do is we makeit, we put like the icing on the
(14:00):
cake and we start judgingourselves.
We're judging ourselves andthat's like when you really
can't get off the wheel.
So the first step is just to gowow, I've been judging myself,
because when we place ourawareness on something it can't
hide anymore, and when, whenwe're judging ourselves, we're
like being an inner criticinstead of an inner coach, and
so we can start to play withways that we can, you know, be
(14:24):
more of that inner coach insteadof the inner critic, and part
of it is just being aware of it.
And when we notice that, it'sjust go like that's not like me,
that's not who I am, and thenmake a new choice.
So we're making a new choicewhen we recognize that we're
behaving in a way that's likepulling us down, holding us back
, making us feel small andcontracted, and making a new
(14:46):
choice and even visualizingmaybe we made a mistake
somewhere and we got ourselvesstuck how we're going to do it
differently next time.
So we're like laying thefoundation for the new.
And of course it takes a lot ofpractice, and I always say
practice makes permanent thatthere's no magic fairy dust here
.
If we backed ourselves into acorner and we're on this
treadmill because we're judgingand we can't get off not to
(15:09):
expect magic fairy dust and justdo it once, it's almost like a
lifetime way of changing how welive.
Speaker 1 (15:17):
I love that and it's it's.
It's crazy, like you know, youmentioned where we can be our
our biggest critic.
But we're supposed to be ourbiggest like hype person, right,
where you're supposed to beyour biggest cheerleader,
essentially and I mean, I'vetalked to so many, so many
clients, you know cause, beingin the fitness space, owning a
(15:37):
gym and and everything like thatit's a lot of people come in
and they have this self-doubtand it's like look, you're here,
you're already doing a lot ofthese things.
That's your proof.
And it's like you have tobelieve in yourself before you
can expect other people tobelieve in you.
Other people will believe inyou before that point.
But how could you expectsomeone else to believe in you
(15:58):
if you can't believe in yourself?
You're supposed to be yourbiggest hype person, right, and
so it's like where doesgratitude and self-love and all
that kind of stuff come intoplay?
And then how would you defineself-love?
Speaker 2 (16:13):
just ask me a million questions at once.
Speaker 1 (16:15):
Okay we'll start with gratitude.
Speaker 2 (16:17):
you know, gratitude is like the key for all
manifestation and like if you'reI don't know if you're, if it's
a gym and you're doing weightsor you're doing running or
whatever it would be like evensay you're just lifting three
pounds, which sometimes is whatI do with my scope classes, but
anyway, I can do more now, butit's like we, we acknowledge
ourselves for all our littleaccomplishments along the way.
(16:37):
You come to the gym and maybesomeone's doing something 10
times more than you who cares.
This is what I did today.
I'm going to acknowledge myselffor that and I am going to
celebrate that success.
And we can do that in any areaof our life.
And so when we do that, we'rebuilding this foundation of that
inner coach and telling theinner critic, which is really
our personality, to take a backseat seat, because I sort of
(17:00):
believe that the soul, thegreater bit of us, is our inner
coach.
And sometimes we let thatpersonality blah, blah, blah.
Just get in the driver's seatand say, no, get in the back
baby.
And so that's really the bottomline and maybe you can I'm sure
you do something like that withyour clients.
But if you can acknowledge,even if I can only lift three
pounds, or I can only do thisone time instead of 10, that you
(17:24):
started something well done andwe're going to build on that
because muscle does get strongerand you can build that.
So I'm just using your industry, and with gratitude.
I guess I think the mistake thatpeople make the most is they're
waiting for something big to begrateful for.
You know, when I had my son andhe slept like a couple hours
(17:47):
more in the night, I was likedoing a happy dance.
Oh my God, I got two hours moresleep last night.
This is amazing.
So we need to be grateful forall the little things that
happen in our life already andall the things we've already
manifested in our life, Insteadof waiting for something.
To be grateful for all thelittle things that happen in our
life already and all the thingswe've already manifested in our
life instead of waiting forsomething to be grateful for.
That's kind of silly, becausewe have so much to be grateful
(18:09):
for already, and one of myfriends shared with me she was
in a beauty shop getting herhair done and the hairdressers
were playing this game andthey're like um, if I didn't
have a coat, I might if i't havea coat, at least I have a
sweater to keep me warm.
And the next one would go if Ididn't have a sweater to keep me
warm, at least I would haveshoes on my feet.
And the next one would go if Ididn't have shoes on my feet, at
(18:31):
least I would have socks tokeep me warm.
But it was like a reallyamazing she said it was an
amazing energy and they were allplaying this game and everyone
that was in the school on wasjust like wow, it's like if you
could feel everyone lifting up.
So I know I'm talking fast, butanyway you asked me a lot of
questions.
Speaker 1 (18:51):
Um, I don't think I answered them all, but no, no, I
thought I asked.
I asked like a blanket questionbecause you know one, my add
brain.
If I don't say it once, thenI'll be not focused on what
you're saying.
But now, like now as you'resaying it, I know the rest of
the questions.
So usually I'll ask the samequestion or the rest of it later
.
So no, you answered actually alot of the questions.
(19:11):
The rest was since, you know,since a lot of people are that,
you know, biggest critic andeverything like that.
You know, that's what I wasasking about the gratitude and
the self-love, but the theremaining part of the question
being what is self-love Like?
How how would you defineself-love?
Speaker 2 (19:29):
How.
I don't know if I have wordsfor how I define self-love.
Um, I guess self-love for me isloving myself unconditionally.
So I'm not.
If I'm loving myself, I don'texpect anything back in return.
I'm just loving myself for thejoy of loving myself, which
takes out the judgment, it takesout the inner critic, it takes
(19:50):
out everything else.
And when we're doing that, Imean there's a really simple way
that we can start doing that.
I mean, for women sometimesit's just going to get a massage
and the man nanny petty, Idon't do that anymore, but
something that's just reallynice for yourself.
But they can also be as simple.
As you know, sometimes, when,like, stuff is going on and I
(20:12):
can feel myself having areaction, I'll just stop and go.
I wonder how old this Arlene bitis inside of me.
You know, maybe she's eight,maybe she's 10, maybe she's
three.
Somewhere I got stuck.
You know something happened andsomething got frozen inside of
me or I've been judging.
You know some bit of mybehavior, like my teenage years.
You know I wasn't perfect andyou just turn around and love
(20:36):
those bits.
You know we need to find ways tofill ourselves up with love.
You know some of my friendsjust get outside in nature and
walk around and enjoy the beautyand that's how they fill
themselves up with love.
But we all have.
Some of my friends love to cookand thank God there's someone
not me, but you know I love tohave friends like that and so we
have things that really lightus up and make our hearts sing,
(20:57):
and it's important to engage inthose activities and really
appreciate them, and that'sanother way that we fill
ourselves up with love.
So it's individual for eachperson, but it's with the
collective of humanity.
I'm sure we could findsomething, you know, in a way to
fill ourselves up with love.
Speaker 1 (21:15):
No, I love that and the reason I asked that question
and it's not there's no rightanswer to it because social
(21:39):
media, you see a lot of thisself-love and you know it's that
you know is used in a marketingploy or you know, understanding
it from a different standpoint.
So that's why I really like toto ask that question, you know,
just to get a real, an honesttake on it, without any pictures
or anything behind it, becausethat's where you start to
understand the meaning of it.
Right, because for self-love,like you said, it does mean
(22:01):
different things for differentpeople, but still there's a
general common undertone of whatit should mean.
Right, and I mean you nailed iton the head it's the you know
accepting who you are, you knowloving who you are.
Right, because you are unique,you are, you know, beautiful in
your own sense and being okaywith you know the good and the
bad in in understanding thatwhen things, when things don't
(22:24):
go right and and you act acertain way like where, what,
why was that Right?
And then accept that part ofyou and you learn how.
If you want to change it, thenlearn what, where did you get
stuck, right?
So my next question is I wantto explain.
I want you to explain a littlebit more of what you just said
that getting stuck, because Ithink that's a really
interesting concept and you kindof went over that pretty fast.
(22:45):
The you know, is it theeight-year-old version of me, is
it?
You know this?
What does that mean?
When getting stuck at differentyears?
Speaker 2 (22:56):
Well, sometimes when we like if, like both of us can
be in a conversation with athird person, and this third
person says something and ittriggers the heck out of me and
you're going what's your problem?
Nothing happened, because weall have things inside of
ourselves that can just triggersomething.
You know, for me it's like ifsomeone asks questions that are
too personal, I used to get likereally defensive and it's like
(23:18):
I can't answer that question.
They would push and push and Iwould get upset, and so we all
have different and it might beyou would like not care.
It's like I don't care.
So if there's things thattrigger me in the world or
(23:38):
trigger me with somebody else ora group, it's something inside
of me that I can heal, and soI'm the only one that has the
love there to do that.
Nobody else really has thatspecial kind of love.
We can have other people in ourlives that love us, but our
love is what we really need toheal those bits inside of
ourselves.
And some of the ways we getstuck is when those parts of us
got frozen in time and maybe wehad an experience where we shut
down our heart or we just gotreally hurt and probably our
(24:01):
parents didn't even know it washappening.
Maybe we're just a little bitmore sensitive like I was than
the normal kid, and then we canjust turn around and love those
bits, because they got stuck.
They don't know how to getunstuck.
You know, we're the adult now.
They're just the kid, we're thesoul.
Maybe they're just theirpersonality and we have that
special love to turn around andhug them and say I'm sorry, I'm
(24:24):
really sorry I wasn't there foryou, I'm sorry I ignored you.
Um, but I'm here now.
And then we just really have tofind a way to stay with those
younger bits of ourselves andholding them in love like we
would our children, um, if theygot, they fell down and skinned
their knee or started crying forsomething and and we give that
to ourselves.
So we already know how to do itbecause we've given it to other
(24:47):
people.
We're just turning around andpracticing giving it to
ourselves.
Speaker 1 (24:53):
No, it's, it's interesting and, honestly, this
is straight curiosity.
You know that why I'm asking.
You know that why I'm asking.
So I understand.
Is that like where I'll usemyself, for example, right, you
know, I remember I got hurt in arelationship when I was at the
(25:14):
end of high school, going intocollege, but that also was a
pivotal moment for me and Idon't know if it was going into
college and you know, being aguy, or if it was also a
response to not get hurt again,that you start acting different,
you start viewing relationshipsdifferently and so forth.
And then there was another timelater, later on, where I
(25:38):
realized what I was doing.
You know it started to change.
Is that similar to what you'retalking about?
Speaker 2 (25:45):
yeah, because oftentimes what happens is this
is a different side of the cointhat we, if something happens
hard like that, you know, wetell ourselves a story that you
know it's not safe to be in arelationship.
It's not safe to open my heart.
It, you know all's.
It's not safe to be in arelationship.
It's not safe to open my heart,um it, you know, or all women
are whatever, or all men orwhatever.
(26:06):
We tell ourselves a story andwe get stuck in it for a while,
um, and hopefully lots of usfind a way to work our way out
of that, you know.
But sometimes some people have areaction.
They start getting lots andlots of women, um, so, yes,
things happen to us and then wemight tell ourselves a story
that we need to hopefully laterin our life, let go of, because
(26:27):
obviously you have a lovingrelationship and two children
now, so you must've workedthrough something.
But that's not unusual as well,and we just really need to be
aware, you know, have I, am Itelling myself a story because
someone really broke my heart orthis really difficult thing
happened?
Speaker 1 (26:42):
I got you and it makes total sense Now pivoting a
little bit right, going intorelationships and going into
self-love as well.
There's talks of settingboundaries and I've had some
conversations with other peopleabout this topic, but I wanted
(27:05):
to get your take off of on thisis, like you know, setting clear
boundaries, setting strongboundaries.
Speaker 2 (27:15):
Why is it crucial and what is the purpose?
Well, it's important.
This is common sense, but I'llsay it anyway.
If we don't set really clear,strong and appropriate
boundaries and we come intocontact with someone that's
having a bad hair day and we'rejust wide open, I mean, I don't
know if you've ever I'm suremost people have experienced
this it's like their energy sortof punches you right in the gut
or in the throat or in theheart and it just like feels
(27:36):
horrible and you might walk awayfeeling horrible because you
didn't have strong, appropriateboundaries.
And I guess what I share withpeople is that we don't set our
boundaries by how we are.
We set our boundaries by howthe other person is, because you
know, if we're all in love andwe're going out to lunch and
we're doing this or that andwe're I don't know, we're out at
(27:56):
an amusement park together andwe're all open because we're in
this wonderful relationship, andthen someone third person,
maybe another couple, comes overto us and they're all arguing
and we're all wide open we'regoing to get whammy by their
energy.
So we always need to becognizant of how the other
people are that we'reinteracting with and it can
always change.
You know so strong, strongerboundaries.
(28:19):
If someone's in a bad place orthey've something is really
upsetting them, it doesn't mean,and I guess what I used to
think is that and I didn'trealize for a long time it's
really important to have thesestrong boundaries for the people
in our lives you know ourpartner, our kids, everyone
because what we're saying isthat I'm only letting
(28:39):
unconditional love into mylittle golden bubble of
protection, my boundaries.
Therefore, I'm going to befilled up with a lot more love.
Your upsetness is not cominginto my golden bubble, but I'm
going to hold compassion andkindness and all those beautiful
qualities for you and share mylove with you like the overflow
of the love that I have in myheart.
(28:59):
But it's not my job to take onall of the negativity and upset
that you're feeling, becausefirst of all, it drags me down
and then I can't be as helpfulto you or as loving to you.
And I learned that the hard way.
I never realized that I had twosets of boundaries, one for the
rest of the world and one forthe people I loved, and so I
(29:21):
learned that the hard way.
Speaker 1 (29:24):
Is there a third level of boundaries, like within
yourself, like one for otherpeople, one for your close
family and friends andeverything like that, and even
your kids.
But then is there a set ofboundaries, maybe for yourself?
Speaker 2 (29:40):
Yeah, that's a.
That's a wonderful thing tobring to the table and I guess
that's where I don't know ifit's exactly setting boundaries.
It's more it feels like moreparenting to me that you know
we're being the loving parent tothe bits of ourselves that you
know want to be that innercritic that want to cut
ourselves down, that want towant us to contract and make
(30:01):
small, and we're saying, no, youknow, that's not your job.
I love you, but I'm steppingforward, Like when people come
to the gym you got this scaredkid or whatever it is inside of
them that thinks they can't doit.
I hear you.
I love you, it's not your jobto do this.
I'm going to go and lift thoseweights or whatever they're
going to do.
Get in the back seat.
(30:22):
I'm going to still love you,but I'm the one that's stepping
forward.
So I think that's moreparenting than boundaries.
No, interesting, I think that'smore parenting than boundaries?
Speaker 1 (30:31):
No interesting.
Do you believe in and this iskind of off topic, but at the
same time you know it's just.
I love, I love your thoughtprocess on certain things.
I'm just curious Do you believein manifestation and I'll leave
it there?
Do you believe in?
Speaker 2 (30:52):
manifestation?
Well, I don't believe in it.
I experienced it and know it.
Leave it there.
Do you believe in manifestation?
Well, I don't believe in it.
I experienced it, I know it'sto be true.
You know, the law of attractionis is what you focus on, is what
you get more of in your life,and so the problem isn't that
most of us myself included whenI was younger, and I can still
do it now is that we focus onthe reverse of an idea.
So, like your, people come toyou and they want to lift
weights or whatever I don't knowexactly what goes on in your
(31:14):
gym and but they're focusing onhow they're going to hurt their
shoulder or it's going to, theycan't do it, it's going to be
too hard.
Instead of acknowledging that,okay, I feel scared and feeling
is healing, I'm going to workwith those feelings, but I am
aligning to and I'm movingtowards being someone who really
, you know, works with weightsand enjoys it and gets better
every week.
So that would be like aligningto.
(31:36):
You know what I'm choosing tocreate in my life positively,
while acknowledging and allowingthose feelings to sort of move
through me and replace them withmore love.
Speaker 1 (31:46):
No, definitely, and the reason I stopped at the
first part of the question wasto kind of see where you
answered that with, because itdefinitely makes sense and
that's what I believe as well.
It's like manifesting doesreally work.
But something important youwere just saying is like there's
action behind thatmanifestation, like you can't.
The big thing for me is like somany people think of you know
(32:07):
talking about them achievingtheir goals in the past tense
and writing in a journal, andagain, that works for some
people, but in my opinion thatonly works as a tool as long as
you're still trying to takeactions towards that goal, if
that makes sense.
Speaker 2 (32:22):
Right, it's like you have to take action.
You just can't dream.
I guess I can't talk.
Okay, for a moment.
My vision of this is that I'vegotten to a certain place, I'm
acknowledging myself and I'mstanding on this cliff and it
looks like there's a abyss andI've actually taken the next
step.
I'm going to fall into the abyss, but the truth of the matter is
(32:42):
and this is how I feel, and youcan take it or leave it is that
we have to take one stepforward.
We don't have to have afive-year plan or a one-year
plan.
We need to take one stepforward for our goals, and I
feel my feeling is spirit getsbehind me and holds me up, and
then I feel into how that feelsfor me, and then I take another
step, and then I take anotherstep.
But in order for us to manifestour goals and to move forward,
(33:06):
we have to take action, and ifwe're doing it from the heart
and we're doing it from thesinging heart especially we're
going to be supported each stepof the way, because it's
important to keep our bodieshealthy if we want to enjoy life
and be of service.
We can't do it if we're allcrumpled up, and one of the best
ways to do it is to exerciseand eat right.
(33:27):
And we have to do thosephysical things.
No, definitely.
Speaker 1 (33:31):
You said something real quick.
I just wanted to see if I heardit right.
And and yeah, we have to dothose physical things.
No, definitely you saidsomething real quick.
I just want to see if I heardit right.
You said from the heart andthen I believe you said from the
singing heart.
Speaker 2 (33:39):
Yeah, I think I feel like it's really important that
the goals that we have, weshould have a singing heart
about it and maybe it's going totake some time.
You know, if we're, if we'restepping out of our comfort zone
and a part of us was like,before we take the step, maybe
the people that are coming toyour gym, they had this moment,
like I really feel that this iswhat I need to do.
But when we have that kind ofsinging heart moment, all the
(34:02):
things that are saying no, we'regoing to come up and felt and
move through, we just need toacknowledge them because they're
kind of in ourselves, becausewe haven't done something for a
while, that we that's reallyimportant and then the more we
do it and we more to build afoundation, the more it's just
going to be.
Oh, I really enjoy this andthis is a part of who I am.
Speaker 1 (34:20):
No, okay, I got you.
I just want to make sure Iheard that.
Right, you know.
So I have a do have a finalquestion for you, and I know I
didn't give it to you ahead oftime because I like the first
thing comes to mind, but I willpreface it by saying this is not
a tombstone.
Speaker 2 (34:35):
This is not a what.
Speaker 1 (34:36):
A tombstone.
This is not a tombstone.
I have to say it and eventhough I say it, some people
still give me you know lovingfather or you know loving mother
, and it's like that's not thisright, okay.
So on Arlene's legacy wallright on this wall right, and it
says Arlene Miller, and it goesinto your legacy quote or
(34:56):
message that you would leave forthe up and coming generations,
that you learned along yourlife's journey till this point,
what would that message be?
Speaker 2 (35:09):
It can be as big or as long as you want it to be
Mistakes are opportunities tolearn and grow, not an
opportunity, not a reason tobeat myself up, and any disaster
that we experienced in our life, we can turn it into a blessing
if we so choose.
Speaker 1 (35:27):
I love that.
Explain, explain it a littlebit, you know, so people can get
some context on it.
I mean, I know it is prettystraightforward, but I love the
last part of it a little bit, sopeople can get some context on
it.
I mean, I know it is prettystraightforward, but I love the
last part of it and I just wantto get your take on why that's
your legacy message.
Speaker 2 (35:38):
Well, the whole thing is I think it might have been a
quote from Winston Churchill, Iforget it's like any disaster
can become a blessing, anyblessing can become a disaster,
but there's always a better way,and so you know.
An example of disaster becominga blessing is that you know you
had a child that was killed,you know, or something like that
, and people have foundationsand they're helping children all
(35:59):
over the world.
I had a friend whose child diedwhen she went to South America.
I forget what happened, but thevaccine or something that gave
her she had a really badreaction.
And anyway, they have thisfoundation.
They're helping kids all overthe world so that whatever
happened to their daughterdoesn't happen to somebody else.
That's like turning a disasterinto a blessing.
(36:21):
And of course, I mean the waywe can talk about turning a
blessing into disaster is peoplethat win the lottery and two
years later they're broke.
And there's always a better wayis that we're always evolving,
we're always learning, we'realways growing.
So what was fantastic for mewhen I was 20, I've outgrown
that, and there's a better way,now that I'm much older, to do
(36:42):
something and to learn from thatexperience.
So we're always evolving, we'realways growing, if we so choose
.
Speaker 1 (36:49):
I love that.
Where can people connect withyou and learn more about what
you have going on?
Speaker 2 (36:54):
Well, you can come into my website, which is jewel
J-E-W-E-L consultancycom.
If you look up Arlene CohenMiller, you have to put the
Cohen.
That's my middle name and myson's last name.
I don't think I'm.
I think I'm the only one.
So you'll find me with all thesocial media links.
(37:14):
And if you mentioned thispodcast and you just have a
question or you want to connectwith me, you can text me at
720-936-2634.
Speaker 1 (37:23):
All right, well, guys , that all that will be in the
show notes.
If you are watching this onYouTube, it'll be in the video
description.
But you know, I know you guysgot a lot out of this because I
know personally I did.
I mean, I know you guys heardmy questions and me diving into
it on with my personal stuff.
So make sure you guys sharethis episode with a friend,
right?
You know, bring one person upin your circle and in turn, it's
(37:45):
going to help elevate youbecause you are your circle,
right?
So bring them up, send us thisepisode, but make sure you guys
do it and do it out of love forthem, right?
But, arlene, thank you so muchfor taking the time out of your
day to hop on the Mindset Cafe.
Speaker 2 (38:00):
Thank you.
Thank you Got my mind on theprize.
I can't be distracted.
I stay on my grind.
No time to be slackin'.
I hustle harder.
I go against the current Cause.
I know my mind is rich to becollected.
Yeah, it's Mindset Cafe.
We all about that mindset.
Gotta stay focused.
Now go settle for the last.
It's all in your head how youthink you manifest.
So get ready to rise, cause weabout to be the best.
Gotta switch it up.
Gotta break the old habits.
Get your mind right.
Turn your dreams into habits.
No negative vibes, onlypositive thoughts.
What is up, guys?
(00:21):
Welcome to another episode ofthe Mindset Cafe podcast.
It's your boy, devin, and todayI'm honored to be welcomed with
a special guest, arlene Miller.
She is a transformational coach, she is an attorney, she is a
meditation facilitator and,honestly, she is an expert in
just the work-life harmonyoverall.
(00:41):
She has had decades ofexperience in high-pressure
careers and Arlene's reallydedicated her life to helping
women and professionals reallyfind balance and fulfillment and
peace while navigating thatcareer success, that
relationship success and,honestly, just personal
self-growth.
So, without further ado, arlene, thank you so much for taking
the time out of your day to hopon.
Speaker 2 (01:02):
Thank you for having me, I mean thank you so much for
taking the time out of your dayto hop on Thank you for having
me.
Speaker 1 (01:06):
So let's dive straight in.
Right, you know where did yourjourney really go.
I like to hear it straight fromthe source.
Get a little bit of background.
You know from you like frombring up.
You know your childhood all theway up until, like you know
where we're at today.
Speaker 2 (01:21):
Well, I had a pretty normal childhood.
I grew up in Louisville,kentucky.
My mom was a stay-at-home mom.
She thought she'd made it.
Her parents were pretty poor,so she was thrilled to stay home
and be a mother, and just in aregular neighborhood where kids
were still outside, playing witheach other and doing kick the
can and football and everythinglike that, and so, yeah, pretty
normal.
And when I was 15, I decidedthat I wanted to be an attorney
(01:44):
Big shock to my mom and dad andI did.
I went to law school.
I went to college in law school, got my degree, got married my
second year in law school.
I'm not married to him anymore,but anyway we moved up to
Cleveland, ohio, when we bothgraduated and so I worked for
some other attorneys for a fewyears and then I went out on my
(02:05):
own.
I had a solo practice,immediately found out I was
pregnant and I didn't have atribe.
You know my, my family, both ofour families were in Kentucky.
All my friends from law school,all my support, like
business-wise.
They were in like the lowerpart of Ohio and Indiana,
kentucky, beginning their lawlaw school, their careers in law
(02:28):
, and so I had to, like learnhow to develop my own tribe as a
new business owner and asoon-to-be mother and their work
and like coaches back then thatI knew of, you know that did
this kind of stuff.
So you know I tried a counselorand that didn't really help.
So I just sort of built my owntribe and my own life and, um
(02:49):
yep, when my son was nine I soldthe business.
We moved to um, longmont,colorado, um by I'd gotten.
I started off in divorce lawthat was kind of print me out,
and then I went to commerciallaw and I was helping businesses
collect their debts and so Ibought into a small boutique
firm that was doing the samething out in Colorado and we
(03:10):
sold the business about a littleover six years ago.
And before we sold it I got adiploma in coaching and
mentoring, a diploma intransformational holistic
counseling and certification inmeditation and I was just going
to use it in the practice of law.
But then I just got reallyburnt out and I just needed to
do something else.
So I decided I was going to dowhat I love full time and we
(03:34):
sold the business.
Speaker 1 (03:36):
Well, that I mean.
That's that is awesome, thatyou found a new passion and
everything.
What was the original passionor inspiration to go into law?
Speaker 2 (03:46):
I just feel like a really cool thing.
I mean, I knew I could helppeople and I also knew that I
just always had this thing Iwanted to be an independent
woman and not have to getmarried, to have someone take
care of me, to get marriedbecause we wanted to get married
, and so that just seemed likethe ideal career and it just
seemed interesting andchallenging and something that,
(04:07):
you know, I could really thrivein and enjoy.
Speaker 1 (04:11):
No, that is.
It's super interesting, I mean,cause you're raising a family
and you're going into I meanI've had clients that have been,
you know, going through lawschool and even you know,
working as an attorney and it isnot a time friendly job
necessarily.
So you know working as anattorney and it is not a time
friendly job necessarily.
So you know you, you were, youbuilt a whole law practice while
(04:31):
raising a family.
What were some of the biggestchallenges that you faced with?
Trying to maintain, I guess, awork life balance?
I hate using that phrase, butyou know what was your.
What were some of the biggestchallenges for you?
Speaker 2 (04:46):
Well, I bring in the word harmony work-life balance
and harmony because otherwise itjust feels like the scales of
justice and that doesn't work,because we always need to adapt
and change, no matter what kindof thing we do.
I guess I'm just really reallygrateful my ex-husband made
enough money to put a roof overour head and have food on the
table.
So when I started my lawpractice I knew I wasn't like I
(05:08):
was desperate.
I had to make a ton of money tobegin with.
So I just I was really reallygrateful that I was
self-employed because, like thefirst year that my son was born,
it was impossible to work fulltime and have your sanity and
took a while to find, you know,a child care provider that I
really loved and to have a groupof friends I had.
I ended up having a group offriends that I ran with that
(05:29):
were parents and had young kidstoo.
We need to drop them off at thehealth food club, have a run,
share everything through running, and it was like my therapy.
So, um, it was by the seat ofmy pants.
I was really tired for thefirst three years, you know, of
his life and my um business, butyou know, I was just flexible
and adaptable.
(05:49):
If I had to bring things hometo get things done while he was
asleep, I did that and, um, Idon't know.
I just developed a network offriends and some other women
business owners who are goingthrough the same thing and I
don't know how do we do it whenwe're going through that.
We're in the, the middle of it.
We're like, oh my God, how do Iget myself into this?
We just keep on stepping.
Speaker 1 (06:09):
No, I believe me, I have a three-year-old daughter
and we have one on the way, soit's I, I already know.
Like the first one, it was likewhat, what did we do, you know?
And then you start to, oh, it'salmost like PTSD.
You like we, we were planningon it and everything, but it's
(06:31):
still.
Then it's real and you're like,oh man, um, you know.
But you figure it out.
And that's the crazy thing isyou, you live and you adapt and
it's, it's just likeentrepreneurship, it's just like
you know, you know anythingelse, it's like you just adapt
it as it comes, you know.
And so I'm curious, you know,with getting burnt out right
With from the law firm andpracticing law as you're
(06:51):
starting to get more intocoaching.
What was that pivotal moment?
Right, cause I think we allhave that one, that one moment
at least, that it's like thefinal.
Okay, I'm just making a jumpright, I'm gonna, I'm gonna go
all in.
What was that for you?
Speaker 2 (07:06):
I don't know well.
The one to get out of, to getstopped doing divorce law was um
, um, a client that was analcoholic um filed a
professional complaint againstme and I had to hire an attorney
to represent me.
I'm like, oh my god, um and I.
That was when I was like, and Iwas like there's this.
I was in a small likestorefront office it was nothing
(07:29):
fancy two attorneys, anemployment agency and this guy
that was selling collectionpackages to businesses to help
them collect their debts andhe's like hey, arlene, I see
you're getting burned out doingfamily law.
Would you like to be theattorney for this?
You know you can do the ones inColorado.
You can farm out the ones thatare in the other states, and
that's how I got into that.
(07:49):
And so it was like this kind ofnice segue.
But it was really interesting.
It's like when I decided that Iwasn't going to practice family
law anymore, I got more peoplecalling me on the phone in like
two weeks than I'd had in likethe past six months.
It was insane.
I kept on referring them out.
I'm like I think the universeis saying are you really going
to do this?
(08:09):
Are you really going to do this.
Do you really have the guts?
And I was like I was done.
So I don't know with the other,with commercial law.
I was just, I was tired.
It just kind of built up.
It wasn't like this pivotalthing, I'd gotten the coaching
and the counseling and themeditation you know,
(08:30):
certification and it just waslike I just can't do this
anymore.
I'm just, I was tired, Icouldn't go anywhere.
You know, if I went, wetraveled for business and we,
you know, we went on holidaysand stuff like that.
But it was never not there,like you'd have to work, your
tail off to leave, work yourtail off to come back.
And I was just like I need adifferent lifestyle.
(08:52):
It's wonderful, but it just gotto the point I could do
something else I enjoyed and notbe under so much stress all the
time.
Speaker 1 (09:02):
No, I completely get that.
I mean it was probably reallyfun and exciting in the
beginning, or even, you know,throughout the time.
No, I completely get that.
I mean it was probably.
It was probably really fun andexciting in the beginning, or
even, you know, throughout thecareer.
And then it there's just apoint where it's like I'm, I'm
just, I'm tapped, like you know,I'm burning the candle from too
many ends.
I even signed both ends.
Too many ends.
I'm just yeah.
I'm over it and so I feel like alot of professionals,
(09:24):
especially entrepreneurs,struggle with that.
They start to burn themselvesout, they get overstressed.
What are some effective waysthat you've seen or you've
discovered really for them tomaintain their work-life balance
and harmony?
Speaker 2 (09:39):
Well, I have a lot of tools because I developed them
on the way and I love to sharethem.
I think the simplest thing is Ialways start with is breath
work.
You know, we forget to breathe,we get really stressed, we get
really anxious, we get liketight in our chest, we get tight
in our shoulders.
You know, we get anxious, weget overwhelmed and we get we
breathe really shallow or we'reholding our breath.
And so we can just start withsome really simple breathwork
(10:02):
techniques that, physiologicallyI see you're into fitness they
physically, logically and I amtoo switch your gears when you
go from this fight-or-flight tothis rest, to relax mode,
because you're oxygenating yourbody, you're giving your the
body the signal that it's okayto release, relax and let go.
The same working out is great.
It helps that too.
But this helps move of the mindand and there's a lot of breath
(10:26):
work if you, if you indifferent kinds of exercises as
well, that are awesome, but thesimplest one you can start with
is just breathe in through yournose, breathe out through your
nose, have the out breath longerthan the in breath, and you can
do it anywhere.
You know someone's talking toyou, you're driving the car
you're waiting in line.
You don't have to make it adifferent part of your day, but
just sort of continue thisbreath work consciously until
(10:50):
you begin to chill down a littlebit.
Speaker 1 (10:55):
Have you ever read Think Like a Monk by Jay Shetty?
Speaker 2 (11:00):
No, I haven't.
Does it have some good stuff inthere too?
Speaker 1 (11:02):
It does.
And I agree with everythingyou're saying with the breath
work and that's that's why I'mreferencing this book.
In the book there's a chapteron breath work and he describes
I want to say it's ninedifferent things, different ways
of breathing, right, how youwere mentioning the in-breath
versus the out-breath and thelengths of them.
And I tried them.
(11:25):
I tried a few of them, you know, just out of curiosity, and it
really it really does start tohave a physiological change on
your body and everything.
And I've even done one of thosebreath works where, at the
business mastermind I'm a partof, we do it every other meetup,
every other quarterly meetup,or you know this.
This lady flies in and she doesthis breath work where it's like
I don't even know what to, Iforget what the name of it is,
(11:47):
but everyone lays down and it'squiet and she's basically
guiding everyone through breathein, breathe out.
And I will say I was kind ofskewed on my belief in it and so
everyone ahead of time was likeyou might cry, you might this,
and I was like okay, whatever,like you know.
And so I was kind of skepticalbut I was like I'm game, I'll
(12:11):
try whatever to do it.
But all of a sudden she, rightbefore we start, she tells us,
if your body feels glued to theground, like don't panic, that's
natural.
And I was like, oh, you got tobe kidding me, like whatever.
And then, like don't panic,that's natural.
And and I was like, oh, you gotto be kidding me, like that
whatever.
And then we start going throughit and I could feel, I thought
like because we were outside, soI thought there was like bugs
(12:31):
or something on my arm, but myarm, I guess, was raising along
the grass and that's what I wasfeeling.
But then I went to adjust myarm because I thought there was
something on it and I couldn'tget it off the ground.
And and I was like, oh boy,we're about to go through some
stuff right now.
Like it's crazy how breathworkcan have an effect on you.
Speaker 2 (12:50):
Yeah, and there's so many like karate, tai chi,
weightlifting.
I do yoga.
There's breathwork, there's somany things physically that we
do that if you're in Coloradoand you're walking up a mountain
, you better be doing breathwork or you're not going to get
to the top, so it's all.
It's all around us, and I thinkwe just don't even acknowledge
(13:11):
that.
You know how helpful it is.
Speaker 1 (13:14):
No, definitely, and so I mean going into this a
little bit like with the wholestress, with the burnout.
You know the breath work isamazing, but how could someone
maybe break free of you knowwhat I like to call it and I
believe you mentioned beforethat the hamster wheel and
really start moving forward withtheir intentionality and their
(13:35):
clarity?
Speaker 2 (13:37):
Yeah, there's so many things when people are stuck
and like feel like they're goingaround in circles and can't get
off, and what I feel that ismost frequently there is that
there's a lot of judgment.
You know, they might be judgingthemselves for how they're
feeling, judging themselves forthe situation that they're in,
judging themselves that theycan't get out of the situation,
whatever it is, it's going on.
And then what we do is we makeit, we put like the icing on the
(14:00):
cake and we start judgingourselves.
We're judging ourselves andthat's like when you really
can't get off the wheel.
So the first step is just to gowow, I've been judging myself,
because when we place ourawareness on something it can't
hide anymore, and when, whenwe're judging ourselves, we're
like being an inner criticinstead of an inner coach, and
so we can start to play withways that we can, you know, be
(14:24):
more of that inner coach insteadof the inner critic, and part
of it is just being aware of it.
And when we notice that, it'sjust go like that's not like me,
that's not who I am, and thenmake a new choice.
So we're making a new choicewhen we recognize that we're
behaving in a way that's likepulling us down, holding us back
, making us feel small andcontracted, and making a new
(14:46):
choice and even visualizingmaybe we made a mistake
somewhere and we got ourselvesstuck how we're going to do it
differently next time.
So we're like laying thefoundation for the new.
And of course it takes a lot ofpractice, and I always say
practice makes permanent thatthere's no magic fairy dust here
.
If we backed ourselves into acorner and we're on this
treadmill because we're judgingand we can't get off not to
(15:09):
expect magic fairy dust and justdo it once, it's almost like a
lifetime way of changing how welive.
Speaker 1 (15:17):
I love that and it's it's.
It's crazy, like you know, youmentioned where we can be our
our biggest critic.
But we're supposed to be ourbiggest like hype person, right,
where you're supposed to beyour biggest cheerleader,
essentially and I mean, I'vetalked to so many, so many
clients, you know cause, beingin the fitness space, owning a
(15:37):
gym and and everything like thatit's a lot of people come in
and they have this self-doubtand it's like look, you're here,
you're already doing a lot ofthese things.
That's your proof.
And it's like you have tobelieve in yourself before you
can expect other people tobelieve in you.
Other people will believe inyou before that point.
But how could you expectsomeone else to believe in you
(15:58):
if you can't believe in yourself?
You're supposed to be yourbiggest hype person, right, and
so it's like where doesgratitude and self-love and all
that kind of stuff come intoplay?
And then how would you defineself-love?
Speaker 2 (16:13):
just ask me a million questions at once.
Speaker 1 (16:15):
Okay we'll start with gratitude.
Speaker 2 (16:17):
you know, gratitude is like the key for all
manifestation and like if you'reI don't know if you're, if it's
a gym and you're doing weightsor you're doing running or
whatever it would be like evensay you're just lifting three
pounds, which sometimes is whatI do with my scope classes, but
anyway, I can do more now, butit's like we, we acknowledge
ourselves for all our littleaccomplishments along the way.
(16:37):
You come to the gym and maybesomeone's doing something 10
times more than you who cares.
This is what I did today.
I'm going to acknowledge myselffor that and I am going to
celebrate that success.
And we can do that in any areaof our life.
And so when we do that, we'rebuilding this foundation of that
inner coach and telling theinner critic, which is really
our personality, to take a backseat seat, because I sort of
(17:00):
believe that the soul, thegreater bit of us, is our inner
coach.
And sometimes we let thatpersonality blah, blah, blah.
Just get in the driver's seatand say, no, get in the back
baby.
And so that's really the bottomline and maybe you can I'm sure
you do something like that withyour clients.
But if you can acknowledge,even if I can only lift three
pounds, or I can only do thisone time instead of 10, that you
(17:24):
started something well done andwe're going to build on that
because muscle does get strongerand you can build that.
So I'm just using your industry, and with gratitude.
I guess I think the mistake thatpeople make the most is they're
waiting for something big to begrateful for.
You know, when I had my son andhe slept like a couple hours
(17:47):
more in the night, I was likedoing a happy dance.
Oh my God, I got two hours moresleep last night.
This is amazing.
So we need to be grateful forall the little things that
happen in our life already andall the things we've already
manifested in our life, Insteadof waiting for something.
To be grateful for all thelittle things that happen in our
life already and all the thingswe've already manifested in our
life instead of waiting forsomething to be grateful for.
That's kind of silly, becausewe have so much to be grateful
(18:09):
for already, and one of myfriends shared with me she was
in a beauty shop getting herhair done and the hairdressers
were playing this game andthey're like um, if I didn't
have a coat, I might if i't havea coat, at least I have a
sweater to keep me warm.
And the next one would go if Ididn't have a sweater to keep me
warm, at least I would haveshoes on my feet.
And the next one would go if Ididn't have shoes on my feet, at
(18:31):
least I would have socks tokeep me warm.
But it was like a reallyamazing she said it was an
amazing energy and they were allplaying this game and everyone
that was in the school on wasjust like wow, it's like if you
could feel everyone lifting up.
So I know I'm talking fast, butanyway you asked me a lot of
questions.
Speaker 1 (18:51):
Um, I don't think I answered them all, but no, no, I
thought I asked.
I asked like a blanket questionbecause you know one, my add
brain.
If I don't say it once, thenI'll be not focused on what
you're saying.
But now, like now as you'resaying it, I know the rest of
the questions.
So usually I'll ask the samequestion or the rest of it later
.
So no, you answered actually alot of the questions.
(19:11):
The rest was since, you know,since a lot of people are that,
you know, biggest critic andeverything like that.
You know, that's what I wasasking about the gratitude and
the self-love, but the theremaining part of the question
being what is self-love Like?
How how would you defineself-love?
Speaker 2 (19:29):
How.
I don't know if I have wordsfor how I define self-love.
Um, I guess self-love for me isloving myself unconditionally.
So I'm not.
If I'm loving myself, I don'texpect anything back in return.
I'm just loving myself for thejoy of loving myself, which
takes out the judgment, it takesout the inner critic, it takes
(19:50):
out everything else.
And when we're doing that, Imean there's a really simple way
that we can start doing that.
I mean, for women sometimesit's just going to get a massage
and the man nanny petty, Idon't do that anymore, but
something that's just reallynice for yourself.
But they can also be as simple.
As you know, sometimes, when,like, stuff is going on and I
(20:12):
can feel myself having areaction, I'll just stop and go.
I wonder how old this Arlene bitis inside of me.
You know, maybe she's eight,maybe she's 10, maybe she's
three.
Somewhere I got stuck.
You know something happened andsomething got frozen inside of
me or I've been judging.
You know some bit of mybehavior, like my teenage years.
You know I wasn't perfect andyou just turn around and love
(20:36):
those bits.
You know we need to find ways tofill ourselves up with love.
You know some of my friendsjust get outside in nature and
walk around and enjoy the beautyand that's how they fill
themselves up with love.
But we all have.
Some of my friends love to cookand thank God there's someone
not me, but you know I love tohave friends like that and so we
have things that really lightus up and make our hearts sing,
(20:57):
and it's important to engage inthose activities and really
appreciate them, and that'sanother way that we fill
ourselves up with love.
So it's individual for eachperson, but it's with the
collective of humanity.
I'm sure we could findsomething, you know, in a way to
fill ourselves up with love.
Speaker 1 (21:15):
No, I love that and the reason I asked that question
and it's not there's no rightanswer to it because social
(21:39):
media, you see a lot of thisself-love and you know it's that
you know is used in a marketingploy or you know, understanding
it from a different standpoint.
So that's why I really like toto ask that question, you know,
just to get a real, an honesttake on it, without any pictures
or anything behind it, becausethat's where you start to
understand the meaning of it.
Right, because for self-love,like you said, it does mean
(22:01):
different things for differentpeople, but still there's a
general common undertone of whatit should mean.
Right, and I mean you nailed iton the head it's the you know
accepting who you are, you knowloving who you are.
Right, because you are unique,you are, you know, beautiful in
your own sense and being okaywith you know the good and the
bad in in understanding thatwhen things, when things don't
(22:24):
go right and and you act acertain way like where, what,
why was that Right?
And then accept that part ofyou and you learn how.
If you want to change it, thenlearn what, where did you get
stuck, right?
So my next question is I wantto explain.
I want you to explain a littlebit more of what you just said
that getting stuck, because Ithink that's a really
interesting concept and you kindof went over that pretty fast.
(22:45):
The you know, is it theeight-year-old version of me, is
it?
You know this?
What does that mean?
When getting stuck at differentyears?
Speaker 2 (22:56):
Well, sometimes when we like if, like both of us can
be in a conversation with athird person, and this third
person says something and ittriggers the heck out of me and
you're going what's your problem?
Nothing happened, because weall have things inside of
ourselves that can just triggersomething.
You know, for me it's like ifsomeone asks questions that are
too personal, I used to get likereally defensive and it's like
(23:18):
I can't answer that question.
They would push and push and Iwould get upset, and so we all
have different and it might beyou would like not care.
It's like I don't care.
So if there's things thattrigger me in the world or
(23:38):
trigger me with somebody else ora group, it's something inside
of me that I can heal, and soI'm the only one that has the
love there to do that.
Nobody else really has thatspecial kind of love.
We can have other people in ourlives that love us, but our
love is what we really need toheal those bits inside of
ourselves.
And some of the ways we getstuck is when those parts of us
got frozen in time and maybe wehad an experience where we shut
down our heart or we just gotreally hurt and probably our
(24:01):
parents didn't even know it washappening.
Maybe we're just a little bitmore sensitive like I was than
the normal kid, and then we canjust turn around and love those
bits, because they got stuck.
They don't know how to getunstuck.
You know, we're the adult now.
They're just the kid, we're thesoul.
Maybe they're just theirpersonality and we have that
special love to turn around andhug them and say I'm sorry, I'm
(24:24):
really sorry I wasn't there foryou, I'm sorry I ignored you.
Um, but I'm here now.
And then we just really have tofind a way to stay with those
younger bits of ourselves andholding them in love like we
would our children, um, if theygot, they fell down and skinned
their knee or started crying forsomething and and we give that
to ourselves.
So we already know how to do itbecause we've given it to other
(24:47):
people.
We're just turning around andpracticing giving it to
ourselves.
Speaker 1 (24:53):
No, it's, it's interesting and, honestly, this
is straight curiosity.
You know that why I'm asking.
You know that why I'm asking.
So I understand.
Is that like where I'll usemyself, for example, right, you
know, I remember I got hurt in arelationship when I was at the
(25:14):
end of high school, going intocollege, but that also was a
pivotal moment for me and Idon't know if it was going into
college and you know, being aguy, or if it was also a
response to not get hurt again,that you start acting different,
you start viewing relationshipsdifferently and so forth.
And then there was another timelater, later on, where I
(25:38):
realized what I was doing.
You know it started to change.
Is that similar to what you'retalking about?
Speaker 2 (25:45):
yeah, because oftentimes what happens is this
is a different side of the cointhat we, if something happens
hard like that, you know, wetell ourselves a story that you
know it's not safe to be in arelationship.
It's not safe to open my heart.
It, you know all's.
It's not safe to be in arelationship.
It's not safe to open my heart,um it, you know, or all women
are whatever, or all men orwhatever.
(26:06):
We tell ourselves a story andwe get stuck in it for a while,
um, and hopefully lots of usfind a way to work our way out
of that, you know.
But sometimes some people have areaction.
They start getting lots andlots of women, um, so, yes,
things happen to us and then wemight tell ourselves a story
that we need to hopefully laterin our life, let go of, because
(26:27):
obviously you have a lovingrelationship and two children
now, so you must've workedthrough something.
But that's not unusual as well,and we just really need to be
aware, you know, have I, am Itelling myself a story because
someone really broke my heart orthis really difficult thing
happened?
Speaker 1 (26:42):
I got you and it makes total sense Now pivoting a
little bit right, going intorelationships and going into
self-love as well.
There's talks of settingboundaries and I've had some
conversations with other peopleabout this topic, but I wanted
(27:05):
to get your take off of on thisis, like you know, setting clear
boundaries, setting strongboundaries.
Speaker 2 (27:15):
Why is it crucial and what is the purpose?
Well, it's important.
This is common sense, but I'llsay it anyway.
If we don't set really clear,strong and appropriate
boundaries and we come intocontact with someone that's
having a bad hair day and we'rejust wide open, I mean, I don't
know if you've ever I'm suremost people have experienced
this it's like their energy sortof punches you right in the gut
or in the throat or in theheart and it just like feels
(27:36):
horrible and you might walk awayfeeling horrible because you
didn't have strong, appropriateboundaries.
And I guess what I share withpeople is that we don't set our
boundaries by how we are.
We set our boundaries by howthe other person is, because you
know, if we're all in love andwe're going out to lunch and
we're doing this or that andwe're I don't know, we're out at
(27:56):
an amusement park together andwe're all open because we're in
this wonderful relationship, andthen someone third person,
maybe another couple, comes overto us and they're all arguing
and we're all wide open we'regoing to get whammy by their
energy.
So we always need to becognizant of how the other
people are that we'reinteracting with and it can
always change.
You know so strong, strongerboundaries.
(28:19):
If someone's in a bad place orthey've something is really
upsetting them, it doesn't mean,and I guess what I used to
think is that and I didn'trealize for a long time it's
really important to have thesestrong boundaries for the people
in our lives you know ourpartner, our kids, everyone
because what we're saying isthat I'm only letting
(28:39):
unconditional love into mylittle golden bubble of
protection, my boundaries.
Therefore, I'm going to befilled up with a lot more love.
Your upsetness is not cominginto my golden bubble, but I'm
going to hold compassion andkindness and all those beautiful
qualities for you and share mylove with you like the overflow
of the love that I have in myheart.
(28:59):
But it's not my job to take onall of the negativity and upset
that you're feeling, becausefirst of all, it drags me down
and then I can't be as helpfulto you or as loving to you.
And I learned that the hard way.
I never realized that I had twosets of boundaries, one for the
rest of the world and one forthe people I loved, and so I
(29:21):
learned that the hard way.
Speaker 1 (29:24):
Is there a third level of boundaries, like within
yourself, like one for otherpeople, one for your close
family and friends andeverything like that, and even
your kids.
But then is there a set ofboundaries, maybe for yourself?
Speaker 2 (29:40):
Yeah, that's a.
That's a wonderful thing tobring to the table and I guess
that's where I don't know ifit's exactly setting boundaries.
It's more it feels like moreparenting to me that you know
we're being the loving parent tothe bits of ourselves that you
know want to be that innercritic that want to cut
ourselves down, that want towant us to contract and make
(30:01):
small, and we're saying, no, youknow, that's not your job.
I love you, but I'm steppingforward, Like when people come
to the gym you got this scaredkid or whatever it is inside of
them that thinks they can't doit.
I hear you.
I love you, it's not your jobto do this.
I'm going to go and lift thoseweights or whatever they're
going to do.
Get in the back seat.
(30:22):
I'm going to still love you,but I'm the one that's stepping
forward.
So I think that's moreparenting than boundaries.
No, interesting, I think that'smore parenting than boundaries?
Speaker 1 (30:31):
No interesting.
Do you believe in and this iskind of off topic, but at the
same time you know it's just.
I love, I love your thoughtprocess on certain things.
I'm just curious Do you believein manifestation and I'll leave
it there?
Do you believe in?
Speaker 2 (30:52):
manifestation?
Well, I don't believe in it.
I experienced it and know it.
Leave it there.
Do you believe in manifestation?
Well, I don't believe in it.
I experienced it, I know it'sto be true.
You know, the law of attractionis is what you focus on, is what
you get more of in your life,and so the problem isn't that
most of us myself included whenI was younger, and I can still
do it now is that we focus onthe reverse of an idea.
So, like your, people come toyou and they want to lift
weights or whatever I don't knowexactly what goes on in your
(31:14):
gym and but they're focusing onhow they're going to hurt their
shoulder or it's going to, theycan't do it, it's going to be
too hard.
Instead of acknowledging that,okay, I feel scared and feeling
is healing, I'm going to workwith those feelings, but I am
aligning to and I'm movingtowards being someone who really
, you know, works with weightsand enjoys it and gets better
every week.
So that would be like aligningto.
(31:36):
You know what I'm choosing tocreate in my life positively,
while acknowledging and allowingthose feelings to sort of move
through me and replace them withmore love.
Speaker 1 (31:46):
No, definitely, and the reason I stopped at the
first part of the question wasto kind of see where you
answered that with, because itdefinitely makes sense and
that's what I believe as well.
It's like manifesting doesreally work.
But something important youwere just saying is like there's
action behind thatmanifestation, like you can't.
The big thing for me is like somany people think of you know
(32:07):
talking about them achievingtheir goals in the past tense
and writing in a journal, andagain, that works for some
people, but in my opinion thatonly works as a tool as long as
you're still trying to takeactions towards that goal, if
that makes sense.
Speaker 2 (32:22):
Right, it's like you have to take action.
You just can't dream.
I guess I can't talk.
Okay, for a moment.
My vision of this is that I'vegotten to a certain place, I'm
acknowledging myself and I'mstanding on this cliff and it
looks like there's a abyss andI've actually taken the next
step.
I'm going to fall into the abyss, but the truth of the matter is
(32:42):
and this is how I feel, and youcan take it or leave it is that
we have to take one stepforward.
We don't have to have afive-year plan or a one-year
plan.
We need to take one stepforward for our goals, and I
feel my feeling is spirit getsbehind me and holds me up, and
then I feel into how that feelsfor me, and then I take another
step, and then I take anotherstep.
But in order for us to manifestour goals and to move forward,
(33:06):
we have to take action, and ifwe're doing it from the heart
and we're doing it from thesinging heart especially we're
going to be supported each stepof the way, because it's
important to keep our bodieshealthy if we want to enjoy life
and be of service.
We can't do it if we're allcrumpled up, and one of the best
ways to do it is to exerciseand eat right.
(33:27):
And we have to do thosephysical things.
No, definitely.
Speaker 1 (33:31):
You said something real quick.
I just wanted to see if I heardit right.
And and yeah, we have to dothose physical things.
No, definitely you saidsomething real quick.
I just want to see if I heardit right.
You said from the heart andthen I believe you said from the
singing heart.
Speaker 2 (33:39):
Yeah, I think I feel like it's really important that
the goals that we have, weshould have a singing heart
about it and maybe it's going totake some time.
You know, if we're, if we'restepping out of our comfort zone
and a part of us was like,before we take the step, maybe
the people that are coming toyour gym, they had this moment,
like I really feel that this iswhat I need to do.
But when we have that kind ofsinging heart moment, all the
(34:02):
things that are saying no, we'regoing to come up and felt and
move through, we just need toacknowledge them because they're
kind of in ourselves, becausewe haven't done something for a
while, that we that's reallyimportant and then the more we
do it and we more to build afoundation, the more it's just
going to be.
Oh, I really enjoy this andthis is a part of who I am.
Speaker 1 (34:20):
No, okay, I got you.
I just want to make sure Iheard that.
Right, you know.
So I have a do have a finalquestion for you, and I know I
didn't give it to you ahead oftime because I like the first
thing comes to mind, but I willpreface it by saying this is not
a tombstone.
Speaker 2 (34:35):
This is not a what.
Speaker 1 (34:36):
A tombstone.
This is not a tombstone.
I have to say it and eventhough I say it, some people
still give me you know lovingfather or you know loving mother
, and it's like that's not thisright, okay.
So on Arlene's legacy wallright on this wall right, and it
says Arlene Miller, and it goesinto your legacy quote or
(34:56):
message that you would leave forthe up and coming generations,
that you learned along yourlife's journey till this point,
what would that message be?
Speaker 2 (35:09):
It can be as big or as long as you want it to be
Mistakes are opportunities tolearn and grow, not an
opportunity, not a reason tobeat myself up, and any disaster
that we experienced in our life, we can turn it into a blessing
if we so choose.
Speaker 1 (35:27):
I love that.
Explain, explain it a littlebit, you know, so people can get
some context on it.
I mean, I know it is prettystraightforward, but I love the
last part of it a little bit, sopeople can get some context on
it.
I mean, I know it is prettystraightforward, but I love the
last part of it and I just wantto get your take on why that's
your legacy message.
Speaker 2 (35:38):
Well, the whole thing is I think it might have been a
quote from Winston Churchill, Iforget it's like any disaster
can become a blessing, anyblessing can become a disaster,
but there's always a better way,and so you know.
An example of disaster becominga blessing is that you know you
had a child that was killed,you know, or something like that
, and people have foundationsand they're helping children all
(35:59):
over the world.
I had a friend whose child diedwhen she went to South America.
I forget what happened, but thevaccine or something that gave
her she had a really badreaction.
And anyway, they have thisfoundation.
They're helping kids all overthe world so that whatever
happened to their daughterdoesn't happen to somebody else.
That's like turning a disasterinto a blessing.
(36:21):
And of course, I mean the waywe can talk about turning a
blessing into disaster is peoplethat win the lottery and two
years later they're broke.
And there's always a better wayis that we're always evolving,
we're always learning, we'realways growing.
So what was fantastic for mewhen I was 20, I've outgrown
that, and there's a better way,now that I'm much older, to do
(36:42):
something and to learn from thatexperience.
So we're always evolving, we'realways growing, if we so choose
.
Speaker 1 (36:49):
I love that.
Where can people connect withyou and learn more about what
you have going on?
Speaker 2 (36:54):
Well, you can come into my website, which is jewel
J-E-W-E-L consultancycom.
If you look up Arlene CohenMiller, you have to put the
Cohen.
That's my middle name and myson's last name.
I don't think I'm.
I think I'm the only one.
So you'll find me with all thesocial media links.
(37:14):
And if you mentioned thispodcast and you just have a
question or you want to connectwith me, you can text me at
720-936-2634.
Speaker 1 (37:23):
All right, well, guys , that all that will be in the
show notes.
If you are watching this onYouTube, it'll be in the video
description.
But you know, I know you guysgot a lot out of this because I
know personally I did.
I mean, I know you guys heardmy questions and me diving into
it on with my personal stuff.
So make sure you guys sharethis episode with a friend,
right?
You know, bring one person upin your circle and in turn, it's
(37:45):
going to help elevate youbecause you are your circle,
right?
So bring them up, send us thisepisode, but make sure you guys
do it and do it out of love forthem, right?
But, arlene, thank you so muchfor taking the time out of your
day to hop on the Mindset Cafe.
Speaker 2 (38:00):
Thank you.
Thank you Got my mind on theprize.
I can't be distracted.
I stay on my grind.
No time to be slackin'.
I hustle harder.
I go against the current Cause.
I know my mind is rich to becollected.
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