June 18, 2025 • 45 mins
Amber Fuhriman, an attorney turned success coach, reveals how our self-created excuses limit our potential and how we can break through these barriers to create lasting change. She shares her journey from small-town Idaho to Las Vegas criminal defense attorney, and ultimately to becoming a transformational coach and NLP practitioner.
• Growing up in a small farming town of 2,000 people in Idaho
• Losing her father at age 18 and struggling through college with a 1.6 GPA
• Pursuing law school as a "trauma response" and graduating in the top 3% of her class
• Working death penalty cases and seeing the worst of society while maintaining humanity
• Creating "Break Your Bullshit Box" to help people identify and overcome limiting beliefs
• Recognizing common excuses like "I don't have time" and "I didn't have a choice"
• Understanding that blame keeps us in a victim mindset
• Using Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP) as a tool for personal transformation
• Finding personal breakthrough through obstacle course racing and physical challenges
• Living by the question "When was the last time you did something for the first time?"
Connect with Amber at successdevelopmentsolutions.com or follow her on social media to learn more about her book, podcast, and upcoming trainings.
Thanks for listening & being part of the Mindset Cafe Community.
----------------------------------------------
Connect With Devan:
https://www.devangonzalez.com/connect
----------------------------------------------
Follow On Instagram
https://www.instagram.com/devan.gonzalez/
https://www.instagram.com/mindsetcafepodcast
Let me know what topics or questions you want covered so we can help you achieve your goals faster.
----------------------------------------------
P.S. If you’re not already a part of the The Mindset Cafe Community Page I would love to have you be a part of the community, and spread your amazing knowledge. The page is to connect and network with other like minded people networking and furthering each other on our journeys!
https://www.facebook.com/groups/themindsetcafe/
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Yeah, it's Mindset Cafe.
We all about that mindset.
Gotta stay focused.
Now go settle for the last.
It's all in your head how youthink you manifest.
So get ready to rise, cause weabout to be the best.
Gotta switch it up.
Gotta break the old habits.
Get your mind right.
Turn your dreams into habits.
No negative vibes, onlypositive thoughts.
What is up, guys?
(00:21):
Welcome to another episode ofthe Mindset Cafe podcast.
It's your boy, devin, and todaywe are joined by a powerhouse
both in law and in personaldevelopment.
Amber Furman is on.
She is an attorney, she is anauthor, she is a speaker and
podcaster, as well as she is asuccess architect who has really
defined and redefined what itmeans to break past limiting
(00:44):
beliefs and build a fulfillinglife.
So, without further ado, amber,thank you for taking the time
out of your day to hop on theMindset Cafe.
Speaker 2 (00:51):
Hey, thanks for having me.
I'm so excited to be here anddig into this conversation.
Speaker 1 (00:56):
Well, awesome.
Well, thank you for taking thetime and let's dive in.
So what I like to do is I liketo start with your backstory,
your childhood, your bring up.
So what was that like?
Speaker 2 (01:06):
Yeah, I grew up in a super, super small town in
southeastern Idaho.
So for all of you who aresaying like small, like 3040,
50,000 people know like a lotsmaller than that.
We have grown to approximately2000 people, so super small, and
I think it was such a coolupbringing because, while I felt
(01:29):
sheltered for a lot of thingsthat I now know living in Las
Vegas, I also experienced thingsthat I wouldn't have been able
to experience in a big city andI experienced the ability to
connect with others and like awork ethic that comes from a
farming community that you justdon't get from a city.
So it was a it was a goodupbringing, but a little
(01:49):
sheltered.
Speaker 1 (01:51):
So what did your parents do for work?
Speaker 2 (01:54):
My mom was a pharmacy tech.
Um, my dad owned his ownbusiness, so he built houses for
a living.
Um, he had a few different jobsbefore he started his
construction company, but he wasalways out there just trying to
make things happen on his terms, and I you know, he passed away
when I was young.
He passed away when I was 18.
And so I don't think that Iactually got the opportunity to
(02:16):
really understand and appreciatewhat he went through to avoid
the corporate culture when I wasgrowing up.
Speaker 1 (02:23):
Oh, man well, I'm sorry for that.
It's always hard.
I lost my mom a few years back,and losing a parent is never an
easy process, no matter whatage you're at.
Speaker 2 (02:32):
Oh, I hear that I'm sorry for your loss.
Speaker 1 (02:35):
No, thank you.
So I mean, you had a sense ofseeing him start a construction
company and you decided to gointo law.
You know what was that, whatwas that journey like, what was,
you know, your decision to kindof go that route?
Speaker 2 (02:51):
Yeah.
So I'm very clear now becausehindsight is 2020 that going to
law school was 100% of traumaresponse, which is kind of what
started to pull me out of it.
So, just to give you like thesuper Cliff Notes version, I was
convinced that I was going togo into computer programming.
I started listen, I was a nerd.
(03:13):
So when I say this, I'm goingto warn you, I was a nerd.
I started a computerprogramming club in my high
school when I was a junior and Iwas convinced that that's where
I was going to end up.
We were talking 2000s beforecomputer programming was what it
is now.
Nobody really knew what it wasand I was intrigued by it and I
remember my dad telling me likeyou're going to absolutely hate
(03:34):
it.
You can't do that, and we'veall been 17.
We know everything.
Our parents know absolutelynothing.
So I went to school forcomputer programming and I
didn't hate it.
I liked the logic of it.
Interestingly enough, thethings that I loved about
computer programming are thesame things that I love about
the law and the same things thatI love about coaching and it's
(03:54):
solving problems and findingwhere things work and how they
fit together, and the logic ofthings.
Unfortunately, at the end of myfirst year of college is when my
dad's accident happened, and asthe first person in my family
to go to college, I felt like Ihad this responsibility to keep
going.
I felt like I couldn't taketime off to grieve.
(04:17):
I didn't know what that lookedlike.
I didn't want to be a failure,so instead I just put my head
down and I kept going to classes, but I wasn't in it.
So for about five years I justfailed, class after class after
class.
I changed my major a whole bunchof times and, as I'm sitting in
probably the lowest part of myacademic career, I've gotten a
(04:39):
letter from Idaho StateUniversity telling me that my
1.6 GPA just isn't going to cutit anymore and I'm drinking way
too much.
I've been married, I've beendivorced, I'm working a dead-end
job, and I just think back tothe last conversation that my
dad and I had about my futureand he said you know, I really
think you should go to lawschool.
(05:00):
And I said that sounds horrible, as I'm sitting in this rock
bottom, or what I thought wasrock bottom.
At that point in time I thoughtwhat the hell do I have to lose
?
I've got to figure somethingout.
So I started taking somepre-law courses.
Really loved it, ended upgraduating from Idaho State,
going to law school in Michigan,graduated in the top 3% of my
(05:24):
class, moved to Vegas, passedthe bar on the first try and
I've been practicing law eversince.
Speaker 1 (05:31):
So I mean, there was a little bit of moving around,
it seems like you know.
And so what was the reason orwhat was the transition from you
know, from Idaho, I believe yousaid to Vegas, you know from
Idaho, I believe you said toVegas, so Idaho.
Speaker 2 (05:45):
I ended up going to Michigan and the short, short
answer is that there's always aboy right.
So I was dating somebody thatlived in Vegas and I'm also the
type of person that I don't likebeing told what to do.
I really got to calm my egosometimes when people are giving
me instructions and advice,because I don't like being
(06:06):
pushed into a corner.
So when this relationshipfailed with this person who
lived in or was from Vegas, wehad made plans to move back to
Vegas to be closer to his family.
And when the relationshipfailed, he was like where are
you going to go now?
You can't go to Vegas, it's mycity.
And I was like, well, screw you, now I'm going to Vegas because
just to piss you off and thisis where I ended up, okay, I
(06:31):
mean.
Speaker 1 (06:31):
I mean, but at the same time, it might've stemmed
from you know, almost likeproving that it's not.
It's not his city, and you cando it too, but at the same time,
like that is a, it's a hugelifestyle switch and change,
especially growing up in a smalltown or small community to
(06:52):
Vegas, you know, and so beingable to adapt in and see a
different, completely differentlifestyle.
What was that mindset shift foryou?
I mean, obviously going tocollege, you get some experience
, but you know Vegas is stillVegas.
Speaker 2 (07:06):
Yeah, not a lot, to be honest with you.
I went to school in Lansing,michigan, so for those who know,
like we hear stories aboutDetroit, you hear stories about
eight mile.
It's a little bit differentthan downtown Idaho with 2000
people, where your biggestconcern is whether or not a cow
is going to cross the road atthe wrong time.
Biggest concern is whether ornot a cow is going to cross the
road at the wrong time.
But it still wasn't the bigcity, right Like we had to be
(07:29):
concerned, but not overlyconcerned.
And then I moved to Vegas andmy passion was always practicing
criminal defense.
That's what I wanted to do.
I wanted to work on highprofile, preferably death
penalty cases for individualsthat couldn't afford to hire
their own attorney, or at leastthat's what I thought I wanted
to do until I got theopportunity to do that in Vegas.
(07:50):
And I'll tell you that requiresa whole different set of skills
that I did not possess and Imight have if I really put my
mind to it.
I can vividly remember realizingthat racial profiling was a
thing when I came to Vegas, notbelieving that it was a thing
(08:11):
before, not not believing it wasa thing, just I never had to
think about it.
It was never an issue I had todeal with.
And then I was dealing withclients who would come to court
like bruised and be like whathappened to you?
And they're like my CO beat theshit out of me and I'm like no,
he didn't, like there's no wayhe did.
And then you'd hear that timeand time again.
(08:31):
And then you see clients thatget arrested for not using a
crosswalk and I'm like I havenever been arrested for
jaywalking my entire life.
What could possibly bedifferent about me than somebody
else?
And so you're right, thisculture shock of, you know, not
being able to go out to the barwithout thinking about whether
somebody is going to watch yourdrink when you go to the
bathroom.
(08:52):
Vegas has a huge, huge drugproblem and a huge human
trafficking problem.
It's one of the I think it'snumber three in human
trafficking, behind Atlanta andsomewhere in the Midwest, that's
, on the freeways where all thefreeways meet.
And you know, just being in asituation where you never had to
deal with your safety as beinga concern, to realizing that
(09:16):
you're just in a differentenvironment, was an interesting
adjustment for me.
And then, because I waspracticing criminal defense, I
saw the worst of the worst thatmost people don't even think
about or see when they're movingto a new city.
So it was an interestingadjustment, for sure.
Speaker 1 (09:33):
So I mean, you mentioned something interesting
that doing the death penalty,you know, and serving clients
under the death penalty requiresa certain set of skills or, you
know, maybe personality traitsor something.
What would that be?
What's the difference betweenthat and a normal client?
Speaker 2 (09:52):
Yeah, I think that you know, for the most part, my
clients were people who justmade bad choices.
They didn't scare me.
I didn't think they were evilpeople.
I didn't think they were badpeople.
I just looked at them as humanbeings that were deserving of a
defense and had just made a badchoice and maybe somebody got
(10:15):
hurt.
I could relate to them, I couldsee myself in them at some
point in time throughout theircase.
I used to tell my clients theonly difference between them and
me is that they got caught and,while that's not entirely true,
I easily could have been them.
I mean, when I was drinking sixnights a week, I easily could
(10:37):
have been one of my clients if Ihad access to some of the
decisions that they did.
When you get into death penaltycases, which are only reserved
for your felony murder cases,your well, that's about it your
first degree murder cases.
You're dealing with people whomade the choice to intentionally
(10:58):
take another human being's lifeand, most of the time, feel no
remorse about it.
The only client I've ever hadthat has actually terrified me
was a death penalty case, and Ithink it's just the ability to
put your emotions aside, yourfeelings aside, and to be able
to find a defense for some ofthe most indefensible conduct on
(11:22):
the planet and see them ashumans, when the rest of the
world has found a reason not to.
Speaker 1 (11:31):
That definitely is tough, I mean, because some
things, I mean I get it,everyone needs due process and
everything like that, and Ibelieve that as well.
And you hear about thesestories, whether it's a death
penalty case or whether it's, uh, you know, life imprisonment,
and then it was a wrongfulconviction that those stories,
(11:52):
you know, just are mind-bogglingto me.
But it's some of the, some ofthe cases you hear.
It's like people judge theattorneys that are defending
them and you put yourself in,like the attorney's shoes as
well, because it's like man, howhard is it for them to not
judge their client, especiallyif they know they did it.
(12:13):
You know, and, yeah, you stillhave to be on their side and try
to make sure that they get fair.
Speaker 2 (12:19):
You know, you know judgment essentially, without
you know what your own personalbeliefs are, because, I mean, I
know me personally, I couldn'tdo it, not even just death
penalty, but like for meanything to do with children,
like that, that's, that's no, nobrainer, like you know yeah, I
think what's interesting andthis is what I didn't expect
from the criminal defense worldand and, honestly, who I am now
(12:42):
so much of who I am is a resultof the work excuse me, the work
that I did as a criminal defenseattorney, because it allowed me
to be myself.
You know, it's so interesting.
We put on this mask ofprofessionalism and it's not
that I'm not professional.
I mean, my book is called Breakyour Bullshit Box.
I'm just an in your face person.
I always have been, but for solong I felt like I had to hide
(13:05):
that to be able to be thisversion of professionalism that
would be able to be accepted ina courtroom.
And if you're doing personalinjury, that might be the case.
If you're doing transactionallaw, that might be the case.
If you're doing business law orpatents, that might be the case
.
But when I walk into acourtroom and my client has been
in a gang since he was sevenyears old he doesn't want
(13:27):
professionalism, he wantssomebody that can relate to what
he's doing and saying, andsometimes you have to go toe to
toe with them and to do thatyou've got to be willing to kind
of dig in deep to those partsof us that sometimes we don't
like to access, and that wasinteresting for me.
It was interesting for me to seesomebody who had been dealt
(13:50):
shitty cards and find a way torelate to them.
What started to make the shiftfor me was, you know, you know
in the field that you're in,that in order to make any change
in your life whatsoever, thevery, very first thing you have
to do is be willing to takeresponsibility for the choices
that you've made that havecreated the life that you have
(14:11):
now.
And as I learned that andstarted getting into the
coaching world and startedmaking changes in my own life, I
became really intolerant ofpeople who wanted to blame the
system and really intolerant ofpeople who were in the wrong
place at the wrong time.
I heard that all the time I wasjust in the wrong place at the
wrong time.
I'm like I've been in a lot ofwrong places at a lot of wrong
(14:31):
times and I don't have 47felonies on my record.
At some point in time we got toacknowledge that there's a
common denominator to your rapsheet and it's not.
You know, your friends, I've,and I think for me being able to
stand toe to toe with somebodyto your point, to wrap it up to
what you were saying Um, a lotof times it's not getting them
(14:51):
to believe that you believe them.
I can't tell you how many timesI've looked at a client and
said I don't believe you, but myjob is to sell it.
I've actually said that to aclient.
I don't believe anything you'retelling me right now, but if
I'm going to sell this to a jury, you're going to have to lie
better, because nobody's goingto believe this.
So something's going to have tochange.
Speaker 1 (15:11):
And that's hard too, because it's like you as the
attorney you need to have asmuch information as possible so
you can know what angles todefend from.
But when your client's notbeing truthful to you, then
they're almost like trying tosave themselves from you.
Who's trying to save them?
(15:31):
Yeah, because they don't trustyou, right?
Speaker 2 (15:34):
They don't trust anybody.
They don't trust that anybody'son their side, and they think
they're smarter than the system.
So they think, if they justkeep information from you, that
it all work out with that beingsaid, though, this is what makes
me such a great coach.
It's what makes me such a greatspeaker.
People ask me all the time howcan you just walk on stage?
I did a 60-minute keynote at aevent that I was an attendee at
(15:57):
a couple of years ago, becauseone of the keynotes didn't show
up and I was friends with one ofthe speaker coordinators and
they were like dude, we need tofill a 60 minute keynote spot in
like 45 minutes.
Can you do it?
And I said absolutely I'll doit.
And they said how do you setthat up that quickly?
And I said you don't know whatit's like to walk into a
(16:18):
courtroom and think that youhave one defense prepared, just
to have a piece of evidence popup that makes you have to change
your entire strategy.
When somebody's life isliterally on the line, doing a
keynote in 60 minutes iscakewalk.
Speaker 1 (16:35):
I agree.
I mean I can't imagine what itwould be like, you know,
preparing everything like that,especially with that weight on
your shoulders.
But I mean in comparison todoing a keynote about something
you know that you're already atthe conference to kind of learn
about and you're comfortablewith in already doing speeches
that are similar in the sensethat's, you know, it is what it
(16:56):
is, you know, you just let it,let it flow.
Speaker 2 (16:59):
But I do want to touch on like oh no, I'm sorry.
On that note.
I was just gonna say if I messup in a courtroom, my clients
either going to prison or he'sgetting deported.
If I mess up on a stage,somebody might think I'm an
idiot.
That's it.
There's no comparison.
I'm not concerned about it.
Speaker 1 (17:14):
Yeah.
So I do want to mention you ortalk about you, because you
mentioned your book and I knowyou have your podcast with the
same title.
But the Break your Bullshit.
You know.
I want to dive into that alittle bit.
What was the reason for writingit and if you could explain a
little bit?
Speaker 2 (17:29):
yeah.
So, first of all, the conceptof your break of your box came
because I constantly get askedwhat led you from being an
attorney to being a businesscoach, and when you get asked
the same question over and overagain, you kind of get irritated
with giving the same response,and especially when it comes
back to back to back.
So I was at a networking eventand it was probably the 15th
(17:51):
time that I had been asked thisquestion and I was just out of
good answers.
So I looked at him and said mybullshit box overflowed.
I had an emotional breakdownand in the process of rebuilding
myself, I taught myself how tohelp others rebuild themselves
as well, and I sat in that for alittle bit.
Are you familiar with NLP,neuro Linguistics, programming?
Okay, so NLP I was learning it,I was studying it at the time
(18:17):
and I'm now a certified trainerof NLP in Vegas.
And so I was aware consciouslyof this reality that we create
our own reality through theexcuses that we believe, that
we've either given ourselves orthat our family has gifted to us
, and that we're constantlyliving with this box of excuses
(18:38):
that we just choose to hold onto, so that whenever we start
pushing ourselves a little bittoo far out of our comfort zone,
so that whenever we startpushing ourselves a little bit
too far out of our comfort zone,we can come up with the most
reasonable excuse, hold on tothat and hold ourselves back.
And so the idea of break yourbullshit box is that, you know,
we get to realize that thoseexcuses are exactly that, 100%
(19:01):
bullshit, that the onlylimitations that we have on
ourselves are the ones that wechoose to prescribe to ourselves
and believe, and the momentthat we stop choosing to believe
in a limitation, it stopsholding us back.
So how do we acknowledge thatwe're living by a world defined
by our own excuses, and how dowe start to break through those
to be able to create a differentreality?
(19:22):
So that's what the book isabout.
Speaker 1 (19:24):
No, I love that and I mean it's so cool because it is
so true, and I love the titleof it because it's that's funny
how you came about that.
But what?
What are maybe some of the, Iguess for better?
You know, not having a good wayto ask this what are some
bullshit boxes that aretypically, you know, people have
?
Speaker 2 (19:41):
Yeah, so they come across in different ways, so
they can be said by differentthings.
The biggest one that I hear isI don't have time.
I love it when people tell methat they don't have time
because somehow they seem tothink that you or me or anybody
else that's successful, just hasfigured out a way to multiply
time and we have more of it thanthey do, and so, for me, I love
(20:05):
turning that around to them andtelling them you know, if
somebody says to me working out,I just don't have time to work
out, I'll say that's fine.
All you're telling me is thatyour health is not a priority to
you.
And they're like no, no, no, Iwant to be healthy.
Well, clearly you don't, orelse you'd make time for it,
right?
Blame is another one.
Um, there's a.
We're working on a third book.
(20:26):
We've got a second book that'sin production right now.
The third book is, um on itsway to getting written, and that
book is going to be entitled.
Every victim needs a villain,and that kind of comes from this
as well, right?
So, um, the blame of who isresponsible for the fact that
I'm not getting results.
For a long time, my mom was myvillain, it was her fault, that
(20:49):
she didn't believe in me, thatshe didn't support me, when in
reality, every villain that wesee in our lives, every person
that doesn't believe us anddoesn't support us, is just a
mirror for us of the things thatwe believe about ourselves.
So we think I'm not good enough, I'm not capable enough, I
can't accomplish this.
And then we go out into theworld and we find somebody who
(21:11):
will also either believe that orthat we think will believe that
and then we blame that personfor our lack of results.
So in order for us to stay avictim to our circumstances,
somebody has to be the villainof our life.
So as soon as we startacknowledging that if we have a
villain, then that by definitionmeans we're being a victim we
can start taking responsibilityfor our choices and change.
(21:33):
So when I hear people blameother people or their
circumstances for things, that'sall an excuse.
One that's a little less obviousis and this is sometimes seen
as a good thing I never see itas a good thing is when people
tell me I didn't have a choice.
So when I tell them I'm reallyproud of the results that you've
(21:55):
made and they'll say well, Ididn't have a choice, and my
answer will be like no.
There are about 15,000 peoplethat live in the tunnels in Las
Vegas that made the choice thatyou didn't think you had right,
you had a choice.
People give away the credit fortheir successes so often by
saying I didn't have a choice.
(22:15):
But to be successful, you 100%had a choice.
And there are people that arehomeless, that are unemployed,
that are choosing not to takeresponsibility for their own
actions, that didn't make thesame choice that you did.
So stop being humble and stopsaying that you didn't have a
choice, because when you do that, you take away your own power
(22:37):
for both your successes and yourfailures.
And that's where true growthcomes from is saying I did this.
I'm responsible for mysuccesses.
Nobody else did it but me.
I might have had help and I hadsupport and there were these
pathways that were laid out forme and I didn't want to fail,
but I made the choices.
We get to start owning that sothat we can start taking
(22:58):
responsibility for everythingelse in our life.
Speaker 1 (23:01):
Yeah, I mean that's, I love that and I I hear that so
often as well, and I think it'snot necessarily being humble
right, because being humble intomy, to my understanding, in my
life way of comprehending itwould be a little bit different.
It's almost like someone thatsays they don't have a choice,
isn't willing to accept, likethe, the winning, except the
(23:26):
success.
They almost feel like they'renot enough.
And what they do, even thoughother people see it as a success
or a win, they don't see it asenough right, and so they're
almost always trying to fillthat, that void of feeling
enough right or they don't likethe feeling of like they're so
used to.
Speaker 2 (23:46):
This is one of the things that I dislike about a
lot of the creators out therethat, um believe that there's
always got to be somebodypushing you right.
Um, who doesn't that that um,underdog mentality that people
are going to tell me I can't doit, so i'm'm going to do it
anyways, and that's great, untilyou reach the level of success
(24:07):
where nobody's rooting againstyou, because there is a level of
success that we get to wherenobody cares whether you fail.
They are there to help yousucceed if you want to.
They're too worried about theirown success to wish anything
less than success for you.
So what happens is when we'vebuilt all of our success on this
(24:27):
underdog mentality, needingsomebody to push us, needing
somebody to not believe in us sothat we can be successful, when
we reach that level of successwhere nobody's rooting against
us, we don't know how to operate, and I see a lot of that.
I didn't have a choice in thatsame environment that people
don't know how to operate ifthey truly believe that they're
(24:47):
responsible for their life.
So instead they just say Ididn't have a choice, I had to
be successful.
Speaker 1 (24:54):
Yeah, that does really make sense, and it's like
you always have a choice, likeyou're saying, and giving that
that power away.
You know, it's like, it'salmost like when people you know
, I used to be like this for along time too where people tell
you good job, or you know thatthey're proud of you, or they
(25:16):
give you a compliment and youkind of brush it off because it,
you know, you're not proud ofthe moment you're, you're trying
to be a little bit better,right.
And same thing when someonedoes give you that, you know, oh
, you can't do it and you'reusing that as fuel.
It's like that should be.
That could be a great fuel tostart, but that shouldn't be
(25:36):
your only motivating factor,right, it shouldn't be that.
Enough push, but it shouldn'tbe your only driving factor
because, like you said, you getbig enough and no one's doing
that.
Now you're like well, whathappens?
Speaker 2 (25:49):
Yeah, and I think what's interesting is I did a
podcast solo episode a couple ofyears back called Humility is
Bullshit.
I hate the word humble and Idon't know what I replace it
with.
I haven't found a goodreplacement for it yet, but I
made the mistake of looking upthe definition of humble in the
dictionary when I was doing thispodcast episode.
(26:11):
And have you ever looked it up?
It's like it'll make yourstomach sick.
The definition of humble is tounderestimate one's own
importance or value, and themoment that I read that I was
like why would anybody ever wantto be humble?
And I think what happens iswe've got to lead with gratitude
(26:32):
.
We've got to lead with thisbelief and understanding that we
are valuable and that we alsohave room to grow, but we would
never want to underestimate ourown importance in society.
That's exactly what you'retalking about, right?
(26:55):
How many of us have been raisedsaying don't brag about your
successes?
How many of us have been raisedsaying nobody wants to hear
about how much money you have?
Don't talk about money,politics, religion.
We have been conditioned ourentire lives not to talk about
these things.
So when somebody comes up to usand says you did such a great
job.
Most of our first reactions iswait a second, I can't talk
(27:16):
about that.
Don't tell me that.
Let's talk about something else.
When, in all reality, for us toown our success, it allows
other people to own theirs aswell.
Us to own our success, itallows other people to own
theirs as well.
So we've got to be willing tostep into our success, to own
our power, but to do it from aplace of gratitude and love
instead of a place of ego andsuperiority.
(27:44):
And I don't know what the wordfor that is superiority.
Speaker 1 (27:47):
Yeah, and I don't know what the word for that is.
No, I don't either.
I was trying to think of it,but I don't.
I don't have a replacement foryou either.
Um, but it is weird, cause itwas like we were told, like you
said, to be humble.
And one way I would put it islike people always, you know,
would say that I would be cocky,righty, right and and I view
cockiness as essentially an overexertion of confidence, and I
(28:12):
used to tell people like look,I'm not out here screaming, I'm
the best, but at the same time,like I'll let you know that I'm
going to win.
I am, you know, yeah so go aheadso that's one of those things
where people try to tell you tobe humble or say that you're
cocky, and try to bring you backdown when in reality, like you
should have that self confidence, you should have that self
(28:33):
belief.
But I think, on the other, theflip side of something that
you're mentioning of, like,don't talk about religion or
politics and all that kind ofstuff it's like I feel like
there's a time and place for it.
You know, and the reason I saythat is because I have no
problem talking about it withother people that I know can
have a conversation.
I don't care what your viewsare, but at the same time, if
we're not in alignment with ourviews and you, all of a sudden,
(28:57):
are going to start just arguingor casting judgment instead of
just having an open conversation, then I'm just not going to
have the conversation I don'thave time for that.
Speaker 2 (29:07):
There's actually a guy at the dog park that I go to
that is a short fuse, and wenever know how long his fuse is
going to be.
It changes every single day,and so I try to avoid political
conversations with him at all.
However, we are at completedifferent ends of the spectrum,
and every now and then he'llcome up and he'll start a
conversation with me, and myexact words to him will be we
(29:29):
can have this conversation aslong as you're civil.
Speaker 1 (29:31):
Yep.
Speaker 2 (29:32):
The moment you're not civil, I'm done and I will walk
away.
And he's like well, I respectyou, so I'll be civil.
And I said you respect mebecause I've gone toe to toe
with you before.
You're not used to people beingwilling to like stand in your
face while you're screaming atthem, everybody backs down.
I'm not going to back down fromyou.
So I agree with you that there'sthis time and this place and it
(29:55):
comes from a willingness andthis is kind of what's missing
from society in general rightnow is a willingness to
appreciate and understandanother person's point of view
and to allow them to have thatpoint of view without having to
prove that you are right.
Like, if you think that thesky's purple instead of blue,
why does that affect me in anyway whatsoever?
(30:18):
So why do I need to change yourmind?
It doesn't matter to me.
We live in a world wheresomebody is like no, you have to
believe exactly what I believe.
No, you don't.
And to your point on what youmentioned earlier people want to
be validated, people want tofeel comfortable and individuals
(30:40):
who lack confidence will alwaysthink that your confidence is
ego.
They will always think thatyour confidence is over the top.
One of my absolute favoritephrases because I get called
absolute favorite phrases is I'mnot intimidating, you're
(31:01):
intimidated.
You get to fix that right.
Speaker 1 (31:05):
I literally I'm laughing because this
conversation me and my wife justhad it right and she because
she was like you know people are, sometimes people are
intimidated by you and I waslike that's not my problem.
I was like I'm not, I don't doanything.
I was like maybe I just have astraight face.
I was like, but at the same Idon't do anything.
I was like maybe I just have astraight face.
I was, at the same time, likeyou'd have a conversation with
me and I'm one of the mostconversational people but she
(31:28):
brought up the conversationbecause I went to pick up my
daughter from preschool and itwas the second occurrence of her
getting bitten by another kidand the teacher didn't tell me.
My three-year-old told me, andso I look at the teacher, or one
of the five teachers, and I waslike did she get bitten or is
she just saying that?
Because sometimes she'll justsay random things and they're
(31:51):
like oh no, it did.
She got bit and I was like wasit by the same kid?
And then the teacher's liketrying to backpedal and I was
like look, I'm not asking fornames or anything.
I just need to know are youguys doing your job in
protecting my daughter whileshe's here?
I don't need to know if it's,if it's the, you know the kid's
name, the parent's name oranything like that.
Was it the same kid, yes or no?
And then the teacher was likeall, like you know, flustered,
(32:14):
and she's like no, it wasn't.
I was like okay, thank you,that's all.
I was like that's not my fault.
Like you know, I wasn'tstirring, I wasn't yelling, I
just I asked a question, right,that's my right to do so Like
and so like.
Speaker 2 (32:29):
I do, it's our problem Like it becomes our
problem if we choose to make itour problem right.
Like if I'm, if I'm working withsomebody in a coaching capacity
, sometimes I get to soften myrough around the edges
personality to be able toconnect with them because
otherwise we're not going to getanywhere right.
(32:49):
So we have the ability to bethese chameleons, to adjust when
we need to adjust.
One of the things that I alwaystell my clients is that their
actions are all about them andyour response is all about you.
So, no matter what theiractions are, if you have an
(33:10):
emotional response to theiractions, that is an opportunity
for you to figure out what isunhealed within you, because
somebody can be a total assholeand I can look at them and say
that was kind of a jerk thing todo.
You should probably go work onyour anger management and that's
fantastic.
But if I then respond and belike you piece of crap and I'm
angry the rest of the day andI'm throwing stuff and it's
(33:30):
affecting me, like, what aboutthat is about me?
What about me?
Have I not dealt with that?
Made some random person'sactions that I don't know allow
me to ruin my own day?
And I can either say thatasshole ruined my day or I can
say I have some work to do tofigure out what about me was
triggered by that person'sconduct.
Speaker 1 (33:52):
Oh, 100%.
And I love that you justmentioned that, because I'm huge
on like self reflection, rightand, and understanding that the
self reflection of instanceslike that, because we're human,
right, it does happen, right.
And now, later in the day, onceyou've cooled your, your jets,
it's like why did that triggerme?
(34:12):
Why did I act in that thatmanner?
Right, and now you get to selfreflect.
But that's what builds youremotional intelligence.
And a word to whoever islistening If you think that
yelling, when someone's yellingat you, is the way to get back,
if you want to be really getback to them and make them tick
them off, it's have a calm voiceand say what you said is, you
(34:36):
should probably handle that withsome anger management.
That's only going to make themeven more and more mad, but
that's just a chance for them toself-reflect, hopefully later
in that day.
Speaker 2 (34:45):
Yeah, there's a couple of different things that
I use, depending on whether ornot I need to be involved in the
conversation.
So, one of the favorite quotesI've ever heard and I don't
remember where I heard it wasyou don't have to show up to
every argument that you'reinvited to and I, so I'll look
at it and be like is this aconversation that I really need
(35:08):
to partake in or can I just walkaway?
Um, if I can't walk away, ifit's a conversation I need to
have like I'm talking to aclient in my law firm or
somebody's pissed at me aboutsomething I need to solve my
favorite thing to say to them isI really want to help you and I
can't hear you when you yell atme.
Speaker 1 (35:28):
Honestly, I probably, you probably, have so many like
quick little rebuttals being.
I've had so many clientsbecause before my gym, in the
franchise, like I was a personaltrainer and I had a plethora of
attorneys and I will say, youguys are wordsmiths, right, and
the ability to fire back fromsome of my clients, like I would
(35:50):
say, a smart remark, you knowto mess with them because we
were on, like already thatpersonal level and the like, the
speed of some of their remarks.
I was like that, honestly, thatwas impressive.
I got nothing.
Speaker 2 (36:00):
You know, thank you, and so that came from the
attorney world.
But then when I learned NLP Ibecame like this, master in
linguistics, and then it justbecame like an understanding of
what really happens when you saywords right and how to get the
most impact for what it is thatyou want to accomplish.
(36:22):
It really is ninja-like.
Speaker 1 (36:28):
It is, honestly, it's almost like planting a landmine
in someone's head for them toset off later on in the day in
certain instances.
But it can be used for good orbad.
For example, I was at aconference and it was my first
intro to NLP and the speaker wastalking about it and he was
(36:48):
using the crowd as people todemonstrate on.
And so he walked up to someoneand he was like I'm really proud
of you, you did great today.
And the person smiled andeveryone was looking he's like
how did that feel?
And you know, the person smiledand everyone's kind of looking
he's like, how did that feel?
And the guy kind of shruggedoff, he's like whatever he's
like right, because I have noidea what what it really took
he's like.
But what if I told you youshould be proud of yourself?
(37:10):
I know you worked really hardat this right.
You should be proud of the workthat you put in right.
And all of a sudden it switchesit from I'm proud of you to you
should be proud, proud ofyourself.
And it builds that selfconfidence and almost like tying
back to what we were talkingabout before.
It's all internal now, insteadof looking for that validation
(37:31):
or looking for other people'sapproval for your success or
your goods, your bads, yourblame, all that kind of stuff
blame all that kind of stuff,yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2 (37:41):
And from like a sales context, like we have um
sitting in a conference in thebeginning of my NLP journey
where I knew what it was and I'dbeen through a couple of
classes but I wasn't certifiedto train it yet.
And I went to a salesconference and they were talking
about overcoming objections andthis was a high ticket
(38:02):
mastermind.
It was like $75,000 to workwith them for the year.
And he was talking from stageand he says I always get asked
whether we offer a money backguarantee and my answer is no.
And he says people will ask mehow can you ask for this much
money and not give me some sortof a guarantee?
And he says people will ask mehow can you ask for this much
money and not give me some sortof a guarantee?
(38:23):
And he says I guarantee that myproduct works.
I don't know if you do.
And I was like okay, okay,right.
And it's things like that thatare like you are the deciding
factor in this right.
And I go through thisconversation all the time
because people have either neverheard of NLP, so if you've
(38:45):
never heard of it, it stands forNeuro Linguistics Programming,
and it's basically the sciencebehind the way that your life
experiences dictate the way thatyou see the world, how you
communicate, how you sell, howyou lead, how you show up in
your life, what success youthink you're capable of, how
much money you think you canmake and how you communicate
with your team and your spouseand your family, and then how to
(39:05):
reprogram that in a way thatsupports you.
So, knowing that and knowingthe linguistic side of it, of
how to communicate with otherpeople, I get told all the time
that NLP is manipulation and thereality is it is a tool, as as
you just said, and it comes downto what your intention is.
And I use my burglary clientsas an example all the time.
(39:29):
Like if somebody was to show upwith your house with a crowbar
and you have locked yourself outof your house and you need help
getting in and they use thatcrowbar to open your door, that
is is a tool.
However, that same person canshow up with that same crowbar
when you're not home, open yourdoor to steal your shit, and
(39:50):
that's a weapon and the onlydifference was that person's
intention when they used it.
It doesn't make the crowbar bad,right, it's the intention of
the person that's using it, andso, when it comes to my NLP
trainings, we guard this stuff.
Like I don't sell my stuffonline, I don't sell my
trainings online.
The only way people get into mytraining room is by me knowing
(40:11):
them or by somebody that I knowand trust knowing them and
referring them to me.
If I haven't had a conversationwith them, they don't get these
tools, because I have to knowyour intentions.
Speaker 1 (40:20):
Yeah, that's huge, it is true.
I mean it's like people viewguns as bad, but essentially
it's the person holding the gunand their intent with the gun.
Speaker 2 (40:29):
Right.
Speaker 1 (40:29):
And that's the same.
I mean obviously a lot, a big,big dramatic you know,
difference, but similar, yeah,but the same, right.
So I do have one final question.
Exactly.
I got one final question foryou and I know I didn't give
this to you ahead of time andthere was a reason for it
because I like the spot-onanswer.
Speaker 2 (40:47):
I love these ones.
Speaker 1 (40:49):
So this is amber's legacy wall, right and on this
legacy wall.
It's not a tombstone.
I have to always say thatbecause, no matter how many
times I say it, people stillgive me a tombstone answer.
This is is your legacy wall,and on this wall could be any
message, short or long, that youwould leave for the up and
coming generations that you'velearned along your life's
journey.
Speaker 2 (41:15):
There's so many.
So I think there's a couplethings.
The first one of my favoritephrases this was originally told
to me by my business coach whenI was first starting NLP was
choice is a powerful thing andsuffering is always optional.
(41:35):
So that would be the first Likeif you suffer in your life, it
is because you are choosing tosuffer.
There is no other option.
I don't care what yourcircumstances are, I don't care
what your life has been like.
There have been a lot of peoplewho have been dealt shitty
cards in their life that don'tsuffer.
So choice is a powerful thing,suffering is always optional.
(41:58):
And then this is a little bitmore in your wheelhouse.
So we didn't talk a ton aboutthis, so I'll make it super
short.
But my transformation frombeing an attorney suffering from
panic attacks to being somebodythat can stand in front of a
room, train, be vulnerable, beopen and build this coaching
(42:18):
business that I've builthappened through fitness.
And build this coachingbusiness that I've built
happened through fitness.
When I was having panic attacksbecause my six-figure income was
supposed to take all my painaway and it didn't, and I found
myself hyperventilating in ahotel room and not knowing how
to function, I found obstaclecourse racing.
(42:39):
I started running Tough Mudders, I ran endurance races.
Obstacle course racing, Istarted running Tough Mudders, I
ran endurance races, and everysingle time that I would do
something on an obstacle coursethat I didn't do before, it
would remind me that I washolding myself back in other
areas of my life.
Without obstacle course racing,I don't open my first law firm,
I don't find NLP training, Idon't write my book.
(43:00):
I don't have anything that Ihave today.
So with that, we have a phrasein the obstacle course racing
and world's toughest muddercommunity that we used to say at
the starting line of everysingle race and it was when was
the last time you did somethingfor the first time?
And I would ask people to askthemselves that every single day
(43:23):
.
I don't care whether it'ssomething big, like skydiving or
doing an obstacle course raceor traveling across the country
alone, or whether it's somethingsmall like making a sales call
or helping somebody across thestreet with groceries, like when
was the last time that you didsomething that made you
uncomfortable?
And the last quote I'll leaveyou with is from a book by Jen
(43:45):
Sincero called you Are a Badass,and it's the first time I've
talked.
I talk about comfort zones allthe time, and when I read this
book and I heard this quote, itwas the first time that a
comfort zone became tangible tome.
She says in her book the wallsof your comfort zone are
lovingly decorated with alifetime of your favorite
(44:07):
excuses.
And it immediately gives methat image of sitting in this
dark room with all my excusesaround me and there's this door
and all you have to do is chooseto walk out of it.
And when you choose to walk outof it, there is a plethora of
people and experiences that arethere to change your life.
As long as you are held victimto those excuses that you have
(44:31):
decorated, the walls of yourcomfort zone with you will
always stay small.
So choice is a powerful thing.
Suffering is always optional.
When was the last time you didsomething for the first time?
And the walls of your comfortzone are lovingly decorated with
a lifetime of your favoriteexcuses.
That would be my legacy wall.
Speaker 1 (44:48):
Well, I love that.
So where can people connectwith you and learn more about
what you have going on?
Speaker 2 (44:53):
Yeah, so the best way is probably to go to my website
atsuccessdevelopmentsolutionscom.
There you will see informationabout the free Facebook group
that we have, the podcast, thebook, any of the upcoming
trainings or anything that wehave.
It's all there atsuccessdevelopmentsolutionscom.
You can also follow me on anysocial media.
Speaker 1 (45:16):
Well, awesome Guys, make sure you guys share this
episode with a friend.
I had a set of questions that Iwas gonna ask her, and I
honestly didn't even ask asingle one that I was
pre-planned to ask, because Igot so much out of this, and I
know you guys did too.
So thank you so much again,amber, for taking the time out
of your day to hop on theMindset Cafe.
Speaker 2 (45:33):
Thank you for having me.
This was a fantasticconversation.
Speaker 1 (45:36):
We'll definitely stay in touch soon.
Only positive thoughts.
Just in the game of life, myset calls the shots, got my mind
on the prize.
I can't be distracted.
I stay on my grind.
No time to be slackin'.
I hustle harder.
I go against the current Cause.
I know my mind is richer to becollected.
Yeah, it's Mindset Cafe.
We all about that mindset.
Gotta stay focused.
Now go settle for the last.
It's all in your head how youthink you manifest.
So get ready to rise, cause weabout to be the best.
Gotta switch it up.
Gotta break the old habits.
Get your mind right.
Turn your dreams into habits.
No negative vibes, onlypositive thoughts.
What is up, guys?
(00:21):
Welcome to another episode ofthe Mindset Cafe podcast.
It's your boy, devin, and todaywe are joined by a powerhouse
both in law and in personaldevelopment.
Amber Furman is on.
She is an attorney, she is anauthor, she is a speaker and
podcaster, as well as she is asuccess architect who has really
defined and redefined what itmeans to break past limiting
(00:44):
beliefs and build a fulfillinglife.
So, without further ado, amber,thank you for taking the time
out of your day to hop on theMindset Cafe.
Speaker 2 (00:51):
Hey, thanks for having me.
I'm so excited to be here anddig into this conversation.
Speaker 1 (00:56):
Well, awesome.
Well, thank you for taking thetime and let's dive in.
So what I like to do is I liketo start with your backstory,
your childhood, your bring up.
So what was that like?
Speaker 2 (01:06):
Yeah, I grew up in a super, super small town in
southeastern Idaho.
So for all of you who aresaying like small, like 3040,
50,000 people know like a lotsmaller than that.
We have grown to approximately2000 people, so super small, and
I think it was such a coolupbringing because, while I felt
(01:29):
sheltered for a lot of thingsthat I now know living in Las
Vegas, I also experienced thingsthat I wouldn't have been able
to experience in a big city andI experienced the ability to
connect with others and like awork ethic that comes from a
farming community that you justdon't get from a city.
So it was a it was a goodupbringing, but a little
(01:49):
sheltered.
Speaker 1 (01:51):
So what did your parents do for work?
Speaker 2 (01:54):
My mom was a pharmacy tech.
Um, my dad owned his ownbusiness, so he built houses for
a living.
Um, he had a few different jobsbefore he started his
construction company, but he wasalways out there just trying to
make things happen on his terms, and I you know, he passed away
when I was young.
He passed away when I was 18.
And so I don't think that Iactually got the opportunity to
(02:16):
really understand and appreciatewhat he went through to avoid
the corporate culture when I wasgrowing up.
Speaker 1 (02:23):
Oh, man well, I'm sorry for that.
It's always hard.
I lost my mom a few years back,and losing a parent is never an
easy process, no matter whatage you're at.
Speaker 2 (02:32):
Oh, I hear that I'm sorry for your loss.
Speaker 1 (02:35):
No, thank you.
So I mean, you had a sense ofseeing him start a construction
company and you decided to gointo law.
You know what was that, whatwas that journey like, what was,
you know, your decision to kindof go that route?
Speaker 2 (02:51):
Yeah.
So I'm very clear now becausehindsight is 2020 that going to
law school was 100% of traumaresponse, which is kind of what
started to pull me out of it.
So, just to give you like thesuper Cliff Notes version, I was
convinced that I was going togo into computer programming.
I started listen, I was a nerd.
(03:13):
So when I say this, I'm goingto warn you, I was a nerd.
I started a computerprogramming club in my high
school when I was a junior and Iwas convinced that that's where
I was going to end up.
We were talking 2000s beforecomputer programming was what it
is now.
Nobody really knew what it wasand I was intrigued by it and I
remember my dad telling me likeyou're going to absolutely hate
(03:34):
it.
You can't do that, and we'veall been 17.
We know everything.
Our parents know absolutelynothing.
So I went to school forcomputer programming and I
didn't hate it.
I liked the logic of it.
Interestingly enough, thethings that I loved about
computer programming are thesame things that I love about
the law and the same things thatI love about coaching and it's
(03:54):
solving problems and findingwhere things work and how they
fit together, and the logic ofthings.
Unfortunately, at the end of myfirst year of college is when my
dad's accident happened, and asthe first person in my family
to go to college, I felt like Ihad this responsibility to keep
going.
I felt like I couldn't taketime off to grieve.
(04:17):
I didn't know what that lookedlike.
I didn't want to be a failure,so instead I just put my head
down and I kept going to classes, but I wasn't in it.
So for about five years I justfailed, class after class after
class.
I changed my major a whole bunchof times and, as I'm sitting in
probably the lowest part of myacademic career, I've gotten a
(04:39):
letter from Idaho StateUniversity telling me that my
1.6 GPA just isn't going to cutit anymore and I'm drinking way
too much.
I've been married, I've beendivorced, I'm working a dead-end
job, and I just think back tothe last conversation that my
dad and I had about my futureand he said you know, I really
think you should go to lawschool.
(05:00):
And I said that sounds horrible, as I'm sitting in this rock
bottom, or what I thought wasrock bottom.
At that point in time I thoughtwhat the hell do I have to lose
?
I've got to figure somethingout.
So I started taking somepre-law courses.
Really loved it, ended upgraduating from Idaho State,
going to law school in Michigan,graduated in the top 3% of my
(05:24):
class, moved to Vegas, passedthe bar on the first try and
I've been practicing law eversince.
Speaker 1 (05:31):
So I mean, there was a little bit of moving around,
it seems like you know.
And so what was the reason orwhat was the transition from you
know, from Idaho, I believe yousaid to Vegas, you know from
Idaho, I believe you said toVegas, so Idaho.
Speaker 2 (05:45):
I ended up going to Michigan and the short, short
answer is that there's always aboy right.
So I was dating somebody thatlived in Vegas and I'm also the
type of person that I don't likebeing told what to do.
I really got to calm my egosometimes when people are giving
me instructions and advice,because I don't like being
(06:06):
pushed into a corner.
So when this relationshipfailed with this person who
lived in or was from Vegas, wehad made plans to move back to
Vegas to be closer to his family.
And when the relationshipfailed, he was like where are
you going to go now?
You can't go to Vegas, it's mycity.
And I was like, well, screw you, now I'm going to Vegas because
just to piss you off and thisis where I ended up, okay, I
(06:31):
mean.
Speaker 1 (06:31):
I mean, but at the same time, it might've stemmed
from you know, almost likeproving that it's not.
It's not his city, and you cando it too, but at the same time,
like that is a, it's a hugelifestyle switch and change,
especially growing up in a smalltown or small community to
(06:52):
Vegas, you know, and so beingable to adapt in and see a
different, completely differentlifestyle.
What was that mindset shift foryou?
I mean, obviously going tocollege, you get some experience
, but you know Vegas is stillVegas.
Speaker 2 (07:06):
Yeah, not a lot, to be honest with you.
I went to school in Lansing,michigan, so for those who know,
like we hear stories aboutDetroit, you hear stories about
eight mile.
It's a little bit differentthan downtown Idaho with 2000
people, where your biggestconcern is whether or not a cow
is going to cross the road atthe wrong time.
Biggest concern is whether ornot a cow is going to cross the
road at the wrong time.
But it still wasn't the bigcity, right Like we had to be
(07:29):
concerned, but not overlyconcerned.
And then I moved to Vegas andmy passion was always practicing
criminal defense.
That's what I wanted to do.
I wanted to work on highprofile, preferably death
penalty cases for individualsthat couldn't afford to hire
their own attorney, or at leastthat's what I thought I wanted
to do until I got theopportunity to do that in Vegas.
(07:50):
And I'll tell you that requiresa whole different set of skills
that I did not possess and Imight have if I really put my
mind to it.
I can vividly remember realizingthat racial profiling was a
thing when I came to Vegas, notbelieving that it was a thing
(08:11):
before, not not believing it wasa thing, just I never had to
think about it.
It was never an issue I had todeal with.
And then I was dealing withclients who would come to court
like bruised and be like whathappened to you?
And they're like my CO beat theshit out of me and I'm like no,
he didn't, like there's no wayhe did.
And then you'd hear that timeand time again.
(08:31):
And then you see clients thatget arrested for not using a
crosswalk and I'm like I havenever been arrested for
jaywalking my entire life.
What could possibly bedifferent about me than somebody
else?
And so you're right, thisculture shock of, you know, not
being able to go out to the barwithout thinking about whether
somebody is going to watch yourdrink when you go to the
bathroom.
(08:52):
Vegas has a huge, huge drugproblem and a huge human
trafficking problem.
It's one of the I think it'snumber three in human
trafficking, behind Atlanta andsomewhere in the Midwest, that's
, on the freeways where all thefreeways meet.
And you know, just being in asituation where you never had to
deal with your safety as beinga concern, to realizing that
(09:16):
you're just in a differentenvironment, was an interesting
adjustment for me.
And then, because I waspracticing criminal defense, I
saw the worst of the worst thatmost people don't even think
about or see when they're movingto a new city.
So it was an interestingadjustment, for sure.
Speaker 1 (09:33):
So I mean, you mentioned something interesting
that doing the death penalty,you know, and serving clients
under the death penalty requiresa certain set of skills or, you
know, maybe personality traitsor something.
What would that be?
What's the difference betweenthat and a normal client?
Speaker 2 (09:52):
Yeah, I think that you know, for the most part, my
clients were people who justmade bad choices.
They didn't scare me.
I didn't think they were evilpeople.
I didn't think they were badpeople.
I just looked at them as humanbeings that were deserving of a
defense and had just made a badchoice and maybe somebody got
(10:15):
hurt.
I could relate to them, I couldsee myself in them at some
point in time throughout theircase.
I used to tell my clients theonly difference between them and
me is that they got caught and,while that's not entirely true,
I easily could have been them.
I mean, when I was drinking sixnights a week, I easily could
(10:37):
have been one of my clients if Ihad access to some of the
decisions that they did.
When you get into death penaltycases, which are only reserved
for your felony murder cases,your well, that's about it your
first degree murder cases.
You're dealing with people whomade the choice to intentionally
(10:58):
take another human being's lifeand, most of the time, feel no
remorse about it.
The only client I've ever hadthat has actually terrified me
was a death penalty case, and Ithink it's just the ability to
put your emotions aside, yourfeelings aside, and to be able
to find a defense for some ofthe most indefensible conduct on
(11:22):
the planet and see them ashumans, when the rest of the
world has found a reason not to.
Speaker 1 (11:31):
That definitely is tough, I mean, because some
things, I mean I get it,everyone needs due process and
everything like that, and Ibelieve that as well.
And you hear about thesestories, whether it's a death
penalty case or whether it's, uh, you know, life imprisonment,
and then it was a wrongfulconviction that those stories,
(11:52):
you know, just are mind-bogglingto me.
But it's some of the, some ofthe cases you hear.
It's like people judge theattorneys that are defending
them and you put yourself in,like the attorney's shoes as
well, because it's like man, howhard is it for them to not
judge their client, especiallyif they know they did it.
(12:13):
You know, and, yeah, you stillhave to be on their side and try
to make sure that they get fair.
Speaker 2 (12:19):
You know, you know judgment essentially, without
you know what your own personalbeliefs are, because, I mean, I
know me personally, I couldn'tdo it, not even just death
penalty, but like for meanything to do with children,
like that, that's, that's no, nobrainer, like you know yeah, I
think what's interesting andthis is what I didn't expect
from the criminal defense worldand and, honestly, who I am now
(12:42):
so much of who I am is a resultof the work excuse me, the work
that I did as a criminal defenseattorney, because it allowed me
to be myself.
You know, it's so interesting.
We put on this mask ofprofessionalism and it's not
that I'm not professional.
I mean, my book is called Breakyour Bullshit Box.
I'm just an in your face person.
I always have been, but for solong I felt like I had to hide
(13:05):
that to be able to be thisversion of professionalism that
would be able to be accepted ina courtroom.
And if you're doing personalinjury, that might be the case.
If you're doing transactionallaw, that might be the case.
If you're doing business law orpatents, that might be the case
.
But when I walk into acourtroom and my client has been
in a gang since he was sevenyears old he doesn't want
(13:27):
professionalism, he wantssomebody that can relate to what
he's doing and saying, andsometimes you have to go toe to
toe with them and to do thatyou've got to be willing to kind
of dig in deep to those partsof us that sometimes we don't
like to access, and that wasinteresting for me.
It was interesting for me to seesomebody who had been dealt
(13:50):
shitty cards and find a way torelate to them.
What started to make the shiftfor me was, you know, you know
in the field that you're in,that in order to make any change
in your life whatsoever, thevery, very first thing you have
to do is be willing to takeresponsibility for the choices
that you've made that havecreated the life that you have
(14:11):
now.
And as I learned that andstarted getting into the
coaching world and startedmaking changes in my own life, I
became really intolerant ofpeople who wanted to blame the
system and really intolerant ofpeople who were in the wrong
place at the wrong time.
I heard that all the time I wasjust in the wrong place at the
wrong time.
I'm like I've been in a lot ofwrong places at a lot of wrong
(14:31):
times and I don't have 47felonies on my record.
At some point in time we got toacknowledge that there's a
common denominator to your rapsheet and it's not.
You know, your friends, I've,and I think for me being able to
stand toe to toe with somebodyto your point, to wrap it up to
what you were saying Um, a lotof times it's not getting them
(14:51):
to believe that you believe them.
I can't tell you how many timesI've looked at a client and
said I don't believe you, but myjob is to sell it.
I've actually said that to aclient.
I don't believe anything you'retelling me right now, but if
I'm going to sell this to a jury, you're going to have to lie
better, because nobody's goingto believe this.
So something's going to have tochange.
Speaker 1 (15:11):
And that's hard too, because it's like you as the
attorney you need to have asmuch information as possible so
you can know what angles todefend from.
But when your client's notbeing truthful to you, then
they're almost like trying tosave themselves from you.
Who's trying to save them?
(15:31):
Yeah, because they don't trustyou, right?
Speaker 2 (15:34):
They don't trust anybody.
They don't trust that anybody'son their side, and they think
they're smarter than the system.
So they think, if they justkeep information from you, that
it all work out with that beingsaid, though, this is what makes
me such a great coach.
It's what makes me such a greatspeaker.
People ask me all the time howcan you just walk on stage?
I did a 60-minute keynote at aevent that I was an attendee at
(15:57):
a couple of years ago, becauseone of the keynotes didn't show
up and I was friends with one ofthe speaker coordinators and
they were like dude, we need tofill a 60 minute keynote spot in
like 45 minutes.
Can you do it?
And I said absolutely I'll doit.
And they said how do you setthat up that quickly?
And I said you don't know whatit's like to walk into a
(16:18):
courtroom and think that youhave one defense prepared, just
to have a piece of evidence popup that makes you have to change
your entire strategy.
When somebody's life isliterally on the line, doing a
keynote in 60 minutes iscakewalk.
Speaker 1 (16:35):
I agree.
I mean I can't imagine what itwould be like, you know,
preparing everything like that,especially with that weight on
your shoulders.
But I mean in comparison todoing a keynote about something
you know that you're already atthe conference to kind of learn
about and you're comfortablewith in already doing speeches
that are similar in the sensethat's, you know, it is what it
(16:56):
is, you know, you just let it,let it flow.
Speaker 2 (16:59):
But I do want to touch on like oh no, I'm sorry.
On that note.
I was just gonna say if I messup in a courtroom, my clients
either going to prison or he'sgetting deported.
If I mess up on a stage,somebody might think I'm an
idiot.
That's it.
There's no comparison.
I'm not concerned about it.
Speaker 1 (17:14):
Yeah.
So I do want to mention you ortalk about you, because you
mentioned your book and I knowyou have your podcast with the
same title.
But the Break your Bullshit.
You know.
I want to dive into that alittle bit.
What was the reason for writingit and if you could explain a
little bit?
Speaker 2 (17:29):
yeah.
So, first of all, the conceptof your break of your box came
because I constantly get askedwhat led you from being an
attorney to being a businesscoach, and when you get asked
the same question over and overagain, you kind of get irritated
with giving the same response,and especially when it comes
back to back to back.
So I was at a networking eventand it was probably the 15th
(17:51):
time that I had been asked thisquestion and I was just out of
good answers.
So I looked at him and said mybullshit box overflowed.
I had an emotional breakdownand in the process of rebuilding
myself, I taught myself how tohelp others rebuild themselves
as well, and I sat in that for alittle bit.
Are you familiar with NLP,neuro Linguistics, programming?
Okay, so NLP I was learning it,I was studying it at the time
(18:17):
and I'm now a certified trainerof NLP in Vegas.
And so I was aware consciouslyof this reality that we create
our own reality through theexcuses that we believe, that
we've either given ourselves orthat our family has gifted to us
, and that we're constantlyliving with this box of excuses
(18:38):
that we just choose to hold onto, so that whenever we start
pushing ourselves a little bittoo far out of our comfort zone,
so that whenever we startpushing ourselves a little bit
too far out of our comfort zone,we can come up with the most
reasonable excuse, hold on tothat and hold ourselves back.
And so the idea of break yourbullshit box is that, you know,
we get to realize that thoseexcuses are exactly that, 100%
(19:01):
bullshit, that the onlylimitations that we have on
ourselves are the ones that wechoose to prescribe to ourselves
and believe, and the momentthat we stop choosing to believe
in a limitation, it stopsholding us back.
So how do we acknowledge thatwe're living by a world defined
by our own excuses, and how dowe start to break through those
to be able to create a differentreality?
(19:22):
So that's what the book isabout.
Speaker 1 (19:24):
No, I love that and I mean it's so cool because it is
so true, and I love the titleof it because it's that's funny
how you came about that.
But what?
What are maybe some of the, Iguess for better?
You know, not having a good wayto ask this what are some
bullshit boxes that aretypically, you know, people have
?
Speaker 2 (19:41):
Yeah, so they come across in different ways, so
they can be said by differentthings.
The biggest one that I hear isI don't have time.
I love it when people tell methat they don't have time
because somehow they seem tothink that you or me or anybody
else that's successful, just hasfigured out a way to multiply
time and we have more of it thanthey do, and so, for me, I love
(20:05):
turning that around to them andtelling them you know, if
somebody says to me working out,I just don't have time to work
out, I'll say that's fine.
All you're telling me is thatyour health is not a priority to
you.
And they're like no, no, no, Iwant to be healthy.
Well, clearly you don't, orelse you'd make time for it,
right?
Blame is another one.
Um, there's a.
We're working on a third book.
(20:26):
We've got a second book that'sin production right now.
The third book is, um on itsway to getting written, and that
book is going to be entitled.
Every victim needs a villain,and that kind of comes from this
as well, right?
So, um, the blame of who isresponsible for the fact that
I'm not getting results.
For a long time, my mom was myvillain, it was her fault, that
(20:49):
she didn't believe in me, thatshe didn't support me, when in
reality, every villain that wesee in our lives, every person
that doesn't believe us anddoesn't support us, is just a
mirror for us of the things thatwe believe about ourselves.
So we think I'm not good enough, I'm not capable enough, I
can't accomplish this.
And then we go out into theworld and we find somebody who
(21:11):
will also either believe that orthat we think will believe that
and then we blame that personfor our lack of results.
So in order for us to stay avictim to our circumstances,
somebody has to be the villainof our life.
So as soon as we startacknowledging that if we have a
villain, then that by definitionmeans we're being a victim we
can start taking responsibilityfor our choices and change.
(21:33):
So when I hear people blameother people or their
circumstances for things, that'sall an excuse.
One that's a little less obviousis and this is sometimes seen
as a good thing I never see itas a good thing is when people
tell me I didn't have a choice.
So when I tell them I'm reallyproud of the results that you've
(21:55):
made and they'll say well, Ididn't have a choice, and my
answer will be like no.
There are about 15,000 peoplethat live in the tunnels in Las
Vegas that made the choice thatyou didn't think you had right,
you had a choice.
People give away the credit fortheir successes so often by
saying I didn't have a choice.
(22:15):
But to be successful, you 100%had a choice.
And there are people that arehomeless, that are unemployed,
that are choosing not to takeresponsibility for their own
actions, that didn't make thesame choice that you did.
So stop being humble and stopsaying that you didn't have a
choice, because when you do that, you take away your own power
(22:37):
for both your successes and yourfailures.
And that's where true growthcomes from is saying I did this.
I'm responsible for mysuccesses.
Nobody else did it but me.
I might have had help and I hadsupport and there were these
pathways that were laid out forme and I didn't want to fail,
but I made the choices.
We get to start owning that sothat we can start taking
(22:58):
responsibility for everythingelse in our life.
Speaker 1 (23:01):
Yeah, I mean that's, I love that and I I hear that so
often as well, and I think it'snot necessarily being humble
right, because being humble intomy, to my understanding, in my
life way of comprehending itwould be a little bit different.
It's almost like someone thatsays they don't have a choice,
isn't willing to accept, likethe, the winning, except the
(23:26):
success.
They almost feel like they'renot enough.
And what they do, even thoughother people see it as a success
or a win, they don't see it asenough right, and so they're
almost always trying to fillthat, that void of feeling
enough right or they don't likethe feeling of like they're so
used to.
Speaker 2 (23:46):
This is one of the things that I dislike about a
lot of the creators out therethat, um believe that there's
always got to be somebodypushing you right.
Um, who doesn't that that um,underdog mentality that people
are going to tell me I can't doit, so i'm'm going to do it
anyways, and that's great, untilyou reach the level of success
(24:07):
where nobody's rooting againstyou, because there is a level of
success that we get to wherenobody cares whether you fail.
They are there to help yousucceed if you want to.
They're too worried about theirown success to wish anything
less than success for you.
So what happens is when we'vebuilt all of our success on this
(24:27):
underdog mentality, needingsomebody to push us, needing
somebody to not believe in us sothat we can be successful, when
we reach that level of successwhere nobody's rooting against
us, we don't know how to operate, and I see a lot of that.
I didn't have a choice in thatsame environment that people
don't know how to operate ifthey truly believe that they're
(24:47):
responsible for their life.
So instead they just say Ididn't have a choice, I had to
be successful.
Speaker 1 (24:54):
Yeah, that does really make sense, and it's like
you always have a choice, likeyou're saying, and giving that
that power away.
You know, it's like, it'salmost like when people you know
, I used to be like this for along time too where people tell
you good job, or you know thatthey're proud of you, or they
(25:16):
give you a compliment and youkind of brush it off because it,
you know, you're not proud ofthe moment you're, you're trying
to be a little bit better,right.
And same thing when someonedoes give you that, you know, oh
, you can't do it and you'reusing that as fuel.
It's like that should be.
That could be a great fuel tostart, but that shouldn't be
(25:36):
your only motivating factor,right, it shouldn't be that.
Enough push, but it shouldn'tbe your only driving factor
because, like you said, you getbig enough and no one's doing
that.
Now you're like well, whathappens?
Speaker 2 (25:49):
Yeah, and I think what's interesting is I did a
podcast solo episode a couple ofyears back called Humility is
Bullshit.
I hate the word humble and Idon't know what I replace it
with.
I haven't found a goodreplacement for it yet, but I
made the mistake of looking upthe definition of humble in the
dictionary when I was doing thispodcast episode.
(26:11):
And have you ever looked it up?
It's like it'll make yourstomach sick.
The definition of humble is tounderestimate one's own
importance or value, and themoment that I read that I was
like why would anybody ever wantto be humble?
And I think what happens iswe've got to lead with gratitude
(26:32):
.
We've got to lead with thisbelief and understanding that we
are valuable and that we alsohave room to grow, but we would
never want to underestimate ourown importance in society.
That's exactly what you'retalking about, right?
(26:55):
How many of us have been raisedsaying don't brag about your
successes?
How many of us have been raisedsaying nobody wants to hear
about how much money you have?
Don't talk about money,politics, religion.
We have been conditioned ourentire lives not to talk about
these things.
So when somebody comes up to usand says you did such a great
job.
Most of our first reactions iswait a second, I can't talk
(27:16):
about that.
Don't tell me that.
Let's talk about something else.
When, in all reality, for us toown our success, it allows
other people to own theirs aswell.
Us to own our success, itallows other people to own
theirs as well.
So we've got to be willing tostep into our success, to own
our power, but to do it from aplace of gratitude and love
instead of a place of ego andsuperiority.
(27:44):
And I don't know what the wordfor that is superiority.
Speaker 1 (27:47):
Yeah, and I don't know what the word for that is.
No, I don't either.
I was trying to think of it,but I don't.
I don't have a replacement foryou either.
Um, but it is weird, cause itwas like we were told, like you
said, to be humble.
And one way I would put it islike people always, you know,
would say that I would be cocky,righty, right and and I view
cockiness as essentially an overexertion of confidence, and I
(28:12):
used to tell people like look,I'm not out here screaming, I'm
the best, but at the same time,like I'll let you know that I'm
going to win.
I am, you know, yeah so go aheadso that's one of those things
where people try to tell you tobe humble or say that you're
cocky, and try to bring you backdown when in reality, like you
should have that self confidence, you should have that self
(28:33):
belief.
But I think, on the other, theflip side of something that
you're mentioning of, like,don't talk about religion or
politics and all that kind ofstuff it's like I feel like
there's a time and place for it.
You know, and the reason I saythat is because I have no
problem talking about it withother people that I know can
have a conversation.
I don't care what your viewsare, but at the same time, if
we're not in alignment with ourviews and you, all of a sudden,
(28:57):
are going to start just arguingor casting judgment instead of
just having an open conversation, then I'm just not going to
have the conversation I don'thave time for that.
Speaker 2 (29:07):
There's actually a guy at the dog park that I go to
that is a short fuse, and wenever know how long his fuse is
going to be.
It changes every single day,and so I try to avoid political
conversations with him at all.
However, we are at completedifferent ends of the spectrum,
and every now and then he'llcome up and he'll start a
conversation with me, and myexact words to him will be we
(29:29):
can have this conversation aslong as you're civil.
Speaker 1 (29:31):
Yep.
Speaker 2 (29:32):
The moment you're not civil, I'm done and I will walk
away.
And he's like well, I respectyou, so I'll be civil.
And I said you respect mebecause I've gone toe to toe
with you before.
You're not used to people beingwilling to like stand in your
face while you're screaming atthem, everybody backs down.
I'm not going to back down fromyou.
So I agree with you that there'sthis time and this place and it
(29:55):
comes from a willingness andthis is kind of what's missing
from society in general rightnow is a willingness to
appreciate and understandanother person's point of view
and to allow them to have thatpoint of view without having to
prove that you are right.
Like, if you think that thesky's purple instead of blue,
why does that affect me in anyway whatsoever?
(30:18):
So why do I need to change yourmind?
It doesn't matter to me.
We live in a world wheresomebody is like no, you have to
believe exactly what I believe.
No, you don't.
And to your point on what youmentioned earlier people want to
be validated, people want tofeel comfortable and individuals
(30:40):
who lack confidence will alwaysthink that your confidence is
ego.
They will always think thatyour confidence is over the top.
One of my absolute favoritephrases because I get called
absolute favorite phrases is I'mnot intimidating, you're
(31:01):
intimidated.
You get to fix that right.
Speaker 1 (31:05):
I literally I'm laughing because this
conversation me and my wife justhad it right and she because
she was like you know people are, sometimes people are
intimidated by you and I waslike that's not my problem.
I was like I'm not, I don't doanything.
I was like maybe I just have astraight face.
I was like, but at the same Idon't do anything.
I was like maybe I just have astraight face.
I was, at the same time, likeyou'd have a conversation with
me and I'm one of the mostconversational people but she
(31:28):
brought up the conversationbecause I went to pick up my
daughter from preschool and itwas the second occurrence of her
getting bitten by another kidand the teacher didn't tell me.
My three-year-old told me, andso I look at the teacher, or one
of the five teachers, and I waslike did she get bitten or is
she just saying that?
Because sometimes she'll justsay random things and they're
(31:51):
like oh no, it did.
She got bit and I was like wasit by the same kid?
And then the teacher's liketrying to backpedal and I was
like look, I'm not asking fornames or anything.
I just need to know are youguys doing your job in
protecting my daughter whileshe's here?
I don't need to know if it's,if it's the, you know the kid's
name, the parent's name oranything like that.
Was it the same kid, yes or no?
And then the teacher was likeall, like you know, flustered,
(32:14):
and she's like no, it wasn't.
I was like okay, thank you,that's all.
I was like that's not my fault.
Like you know, I wasn'tstirring, I wasn't yelling, I
just I asked a question, right,that's my right to do so Like
and so like.
Speaker 2 (32:29):
I do, it's our problem Like it becomes our
problem if we choose to make itour problem right.
Like if I'm, if I'm working withsomebody in a coaching capacity
, sometimes I get to soften myrough around the edges
personality to be able toconnect with them because
otherwise we're not going to getanywhere right.
(32:49):
So we have the ability to bethese chameleons, to adjust when
we need to adjust.
One of the things that I alwaystell my clients is that their
actions are all about them andyour response is all about you.
So, no matter what theiractions are, if you have an
(33:10):
emotional response to theiractions, that is an opportunity
for you to figure out what isunhealed within you, because
somebody can be a total assholeand I can look at them and say
that was kind of a jerk thing todo.
You should probably go work onyour anger management and that's
fantastic.
But if I then respond and belike you piece of crap and I'm
angry the rest of the day andI'm throwing stuff and it's
(33:30):
affecting me, like, what aboutthat is about me?
What about me?
Have I not dealt with that?
Made some random person'sactions that I don't know allow
me to ruin my own day?
And I can either say thatasshole ruined my day or I can
say I have some work to do tofigure out what about me was
triggered by that person'sconduct.
Speaker 1 (33:52):
Oh, 100%.
And I love that you justmentioned that, because I'm huge
on like self reflection, rightand, and understanding that the
self reflection of instanceslike that, because we're human,
right, it does happen, right.
And now, later in the day, onceyou've cooled your, your jets,
it's like why did that triggerme?
(34:12):
Why did I act in that thatmanner?
Right, and now you get to selfreflect.
But that's what builds youremotional intelligence.
And a word to whoever islistening If you think that
yelling, when someone's yellingat you, is the way to get back,
if you want to be really getback to them and make them tick
them off, it's have a calm voiceand say what you said is, you
(34:36):
should probably handle that withsome anger management.
That's only going to make themeven more and more mad, but
that's just a chance for them toself-reflect, hopefully later
in that day.
Speaker 2 (34:45):
Yeah, there's a couple of different things that
I use, depending on whether ornot I need to be involved in the
conversation.
So, one of the favorite quotesI've ever heard and I don't
remember where I heard it wasyou don't have to show up to
every argument that you'reinvited to and I, so I'll look
at it and be like is this aconversation that I really need
(35:08):
to partake in or can I just walkaway?
Um, if I can't walk away, ifit's a conversation I need to
have like I'm talking to aclient in my law firm or
somebody's pissed at me aboutsomething I need to solve my
favorite thing to say to them isI really want to help you and I
can't hear you when you yell atme.
Speaker 1 (35:28):
Honestly, I probably, you probably, have so many like
quick little rebuttals being.
I've had so many clientsbecause before my gym, in the
franchise, like I was a personaltrainer and I had a plethora of
attorneys and I will say, youguys are wordsmiths, right, and
the ability to fire back fromsome of my clients, like I would
(35:50):
say, a smart remark, you knowto mess with them because we
were on, like already thatpersonal level and the like, the
speed of some of their remarks.
I was like that, honestly, thatwas impressive.
I got nothing.
Speaker 2 (36:00):
You know, thank you, and so that came from the
attorney world.
But then when I learned NLP Ibecame like this, master in
linguistics, and then it justbecame like an understanding of
what really happens when you saywords right and how to get the
most impact for what it is thatyou want to accomplish.
(36:22):
It really is ninja-like.
Speaker 1 (36:28):
It is, honestly, it's almost like planting a landmine
in someone's head for them toset off later on in the day in
certain instances.
But it can be used for good orbad.
For example, I was at aconference and it was my first
intro to NLP and the speaker wastalking about it and he was
(36:48):
using the crowd as people todemonstrate on.
And so he walked up to someoneand he was like I'm really proud
of you, you did great today.
And the person smiled andeveryone was looking he's like
how did that feel?
And you know, the person smiledand everyone's kind of looking
he's like, how did that feel?
And the guy kind of shruggedoff, he's like whatever he's
like right, because I have noidea what what it really took
he's like.
But what if I told you youshould be proud of yourself?
(37:10):
I know you worked really hardat this right.
You should be proud of the workthat you put in right.
And all of a sudden it switchesit from I'm proud of you to you
should be proud, proud ofyourself.
And it builds that selfconfidence and almost like tying
back to what we were talkingabout before.
It's all internal now, insteadof looking for that validation
(37:31):
or looking for other people'sapproval for your success or
your goods, your bads, yourblame, all that kind of stuff
blame all that kind of stuff,yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2 (37:41):
And from like a sales context, like we have um
sitting in a conference in thebeginning of my NLP journey
where I knew what it was and I'dbeen through a couple of
classes but I wasn't certifiedto train it yet.
And I went to a salesconference and they were talking
about overcoming objections andthis was a high ticket
(38:02):
mastermind.
It was like $75,000 to workwith them for the year.
And he was talking from stageand he says I always get asked
whether we offer a money backguarantee and my answer is no.
And he says people will ask mehow can you ask for this much
money and not give me some sortof a guarantee?
And he says people will ask mehow can you ask for this much
money and not give me some sortof a guarantee?
(38:23):
And he says I guarantee that myproduct works.
I don't know if you do.
And I was like okay, okay,right.
And it's things like that thatare like you are the deciding
factor in this right.
And I go through thisconversation all the time
because people have either neverheard of NLP, so if you've
(38:45):
never heard of it, it stands forNeuro Linguistics Programming,
and it's basically the sciencebehind the way that your life
experiences dictate the way thatyou see the world, how you
communicate, how you sell, howyou lead, how you show up in
your life, what success youthink you're capable of, how
much money you think you canmake and how you communicate
with your team and your spouseand your family, and then how to
(39:05):
reprogram that in a way thatsupports you.
So, knowing that and knowingthe linguistic side of it, of
how to communicate with otherpeople, I get told all the time
that NLP is manipulation and thereality is it is a tool, as as
you just said, and it comes downto what your intention is.
And I use my burglary clientsas an example all the time.
(39:29):
Like if somebody was to show upwith your house with a crowbar
and you have locked yourself outof your house and you need help
getting in and they use thatcrowbar to open your door, that
is is a tool.
However, that same person canshow up with that same crowbar
when you're not home, open yourdoor to steal your shit, and
(39:50):
that's a weapon and the onlydifference was that person's
intention when they used it.
It doesn't make the crowbar bad,right, it's the intention of
the person that's using it, andso, when it comes to my NLP
trainings, we guard this stuff.
Like I don't sell my stuffonline, I don't sell my
trainings online.
The only way people get into mytraining room is by me knowing
(40:11):
them or by somebody that I knowand trust knowing them and
referring them to me.
If I haven't had a conversationwith them, they don't get these
tools, because I have to knowyour intentions.
Speaker 1 (40:20):
Yeah, that's huge, it is true.
I mean it's like people viewguns as bad, but essentially
it's the person holding the gunand their intent with the gun.
Speaker 2 (40:29):
Right.
Speaker 1 (40:29):
And that's the same.
I mean obviously a lot, a big,big dramatic you know,
difference, but similar, yeah,but the same, right.
So I do have one final question.
Exactly.
I got one final question foryou and I know I didn't give
this to you ahead of time andthere was a reason for it
because I like the spot-onanswer.
Speaker 2 (40:47):
I love these ones.
Speaker 1 (40:49):
So this is amber's legacy wall, right and on this
legacy wall.
It's not a tombstone.
I have to always say thatbecause, no matter how many
times I say it, people stillgive me a tombstone answer.
This is is your legacy wall,and on this wall could be any
message, short or long, that youwould leave for the up and
coming generations that you'velearned along your life's
journey.
Speaker 2 (41:15):
There's so many.
So I think there's a couplethings.
The first one of my favoritephrases this was originally told
to me by my business coach whenI was first starting NLP was
choice is a powerful thing andsuffering is always optional.
(41:35):
So that would be the first Likeif you suffer in your life, it
is because you are choosing tosuffer.
There is no other option.
I don't care what yourcircumstances are, I don't care
what your life has been like.
There have been a lot of peoplewho have been dealt shitty
cards in their life that don'tsuffer.
So choice is a powerful thing,suffering is always optional.
(41:58):
And then this is a little bitmore in your wheelhouse.
So we didn't talk a ton aboutthis, so I'll make it super
short.
But my transformation frombeing an attorney suffering from
panic attacks to being somebodythat can stand in front of a
room, train, be vulnerable, beopen and build this coaching
(42:18):
business that I've builthappened through fitness.
And build this coachingbusiness that I've built
happened through fitness.
When I was having panic attacksbecause my six-figure income was
supposed to take all my painaway and it didn't, and I found
myself hyperventilating in ahotel room and not knowing how
to function, I found obstaclecourse racing.
(42:39):
I started running Tough Mudders, I ran endurance races.
Obstacle course racing, Istarted running Tough Mudders, I
ran endurance races, and everysingle time that I would do
something on an obstacle coursethat I didn't do before, it
would remind me that I washolding myself back in other
areas of my life.
Without obstacle course racing,I don't open my first law firm,
I don't find NLP training, Idon't write my book.
(43:00):
I don't have anything that Ihave today.
So with that, we have a phrasein the obstacle course racing
and world's toughest muddercommunity that we used to say at
the starting line of everysingle race and it was when was
the last time you did somethingfor the first time?
And I would ask people to askthemselves that every single day
(43:23):
.
I don't care whether it'ssomething big, like skydiving or
doing an obstacle course raceor traveling across the country
alone, or whether it's somethingsmall like making a sales call
or helping somebody across thestreet with groceries, like when
was the last time that you didsomething that made you
uncomfortable?
And the last quote I'll leaveyou with is from a book by Jen
(43:45):
Sincero called you Are a Badass,and it's the first time I've
talked.
I talk about comfort zones allthe time, and when I read this
book and I heard this quote, itwas the first time that a
comfort zone became tangible tome.
She says in her book the wallsof your comfort zone are
lovingly decorated with alifetime of your favorite
(44:07):
excuses.
And it immediately gives methat image of sitting in this
dark room with all my excusesaround me and there's this door
and all you have to do is chooseto walk out of it.
And when you choose to walk outof it, there is a plethora of
people and experiences that arethere to change your life.
As long as you are held victimto those excuses that you have
(44:31):
decorated, the walls of yourcomfort zone with you will
always stay small.
So choice is a powerful thing.
Suffering is always optional.
When was the last time you didsomething for the first time?
And the walls of your comfortzone are lovingly decorated with
a lifetime of your favoriteexcuses.
That would be my legacy wall.
Speaker 1 (44:48):
Well, I love that.
So where can people connectwith you and learn more about
what you have going on?
Speaker 2 (44:53):
Yeah, so the best way is probably to go to my website
atsuccessdevelopmentsolutionscom.
There you will see informationabout the free Facebook group
that we have, the podcast, thebook, any of the upcoming
trainings or anything that wehave.
It's all there atsuccessdevelopmentsolutionscom.
You can also follow me on anysocial media.
Speaker 1 (45:16):
Well, awesome Guys, make sure you guys share this
episode with a friend.
I had a set of questions that Iwas gonna ask her, and I
honestly didn't even ask asingle one that I was
pre-planned to ask, because Igot so much out of this, and I
know you guys did too.
So thank you so much again,amber, for taking the time out
of your day to hop on theMindset Cafe.
Speaker 2 (45:33):
Thank you for having me.
This was a fantasticconversation.
Speaker 1 (45:36):
We'll definitely stay in touch soon.
Only positive thoughts.
Just in the game of life, myset calls the shots, got my mind
on the prize.
I can't be distracted.
I stay on my grind.
No time to be slackin'.
I hustle harder.
I go against the current Cause.
I know my mind is richer to becollected.
Popular Podcasts
Stuff You Should Know
If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.
The Joe Rogan Experience
The official podcast of comedian Joe Rogan.
Dateline NBC
Current and classic episodes, featuring compelling true-crime mysteries, powerful documentaries and in-depth investigations. Special Summer Offer: Exclusively on Apple Podcasts, try our Dateline Premium subscription completely free for one month! With Dateline Premium, you get every episode ad-free plus exclusive bonus content.